


Patience: The Companion Piece

by riseofthefallenone



Series: A Little Patience [2]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, M/M, Porn with more plot than porn, Switching, dom/sub undertones though neither is specifically either, high school AU meets coffee shop AU meets college AU, slowest of burns, warning tags in notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-06
Updated: 2018-01-26
Packaged: 2018-03-16 15:08:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 47
Words: 549,870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3492929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/riseofthefallenone/pseuds/riseofthefallenone
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Castiel's side of the <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058">A Little Patience</a> story. Now that we know how Dean fell for him, it's time to see how and when it happened for Castiel, and how he felt being <em>friends with benefits</em>.</p><p>com·pan·ion /kəmˈpanyən/<br/><em>noun</em><br/>1. a person with whom one spends a lot of time<br/>2. a person who shares the experiences of another<br/>3. a person's long-term sexual partner outside marriage<br/>4. one of a pair of things intended to complement or match each other</p><p>Updates every second Friday (usually around 12:00 PM CST).</p><p> </p><p>  <strong>Please see notes on the chapters (beginning or end) for specific warnings. There is going to be various exploring of kinks.</strong></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I strongly suggest reading the first story, [A Little Patience](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058) prior to reading the Companion Piece. I will do my best to make the Companion Piece work as it's stand alone fic, but I make no guarantees to how well it will work on its own.
> 
>  
> 
> **There are no warnings for this chapter.**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place _before_ the [A Little Patience](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3739232) storyline.

Some nights, when Castiel has trouble sleeping, he likes to lay back and think about his decisions in life. He’s tried counting sheep or measuring his breathing, but nothing puts him to sleep better than knowing that he’s made the right choices. At the time, he might have been scared out of his wits, or he might have doubted himself, but it was all worthwhile because it got him to this point. His junior year is done with and he has everything that he’s wanted for years. Right now, Castiel is very satisfied – even if he wouldn’t quite say that he’s _happy_.

Up until a few months ago, he had been attending a prestigious private school in the middle of nowhere. Since the school was actually located in a different state than where his parents live, it also meant that Castiel was living in a dorm room shared with a few other boys his age. It was either that, or he would have had an exceptionally long commute. Frankly, he doubts that would have ever been an option. His older half-brother, Gabriel, had attended the same schools when he was growing up and Father swears he did the same when he was a child.

It’s what their family has been doing for generations. Castiel did it, Gabriel did it, Father did it, and even Grandfather did it. There is no doubt in Castiel’s mind that he could trace his family tree back through boarding schools for generations. It seems his family has a history of preferring to have someone else raise their children for them.

Mother always claimed that she wanted him home more and that she missed him when he was gone, but Father insisted that Castiel continue to go. It didn’t matter how much he said that he hated it. As Father explained; a boarding school builds _character_ – though Castiel has yet to figure out how it was supposed to do that. All it seemed to do for him was foster an intense dislike for his peers. In all honesty, his teachers were the only things Castiel has ever liked about the private schools he’s attended over his short life. They were all top notch and near experts in their fields. Essentially, they were professors who could get more teaching at a private academy than any university, from Castiel’s understanding. Of course, everything always comes down to money in the end.

The teachers were the silver lining to Castiel’s dark days living in boarding school. They knew what they were teaching and he enjoyed learning from them. Unfortunately, that’s where the good things ended. His education was just about the only thing that was forced on him throughout his childhood and straight into his junior year of high school that he _didn’t_ mind. Castiel missed Mother and Gabriel on most days, and he missed Father on some. But worst of all was being forced to stay around people he could hardly stand.

In all his years in private schools, Castiel rarely met another student who _wasn’t_ pretentious beyond all reason or religious to the point of fanaticism. If he did stumble across someone who didn’t assume their parents’ money or their religion made them better than everyone else, that person never remained like that for long. Castiel might accept and respect anyone’s religious choices, but he doesn’t particularly like being preached to when he doesn’t share the same beliefs.

The schools felt toxic in that way. They tried to force everyone to believe the same thing and tried to make the students _be_ the same person. Despite that, there was still a clear hierarchy amongst the students that determined their social status by their family’s wealth. Everyone had to wear the same school uniform and they were told to style their hair the same way. Even their bedrooms had to be kept the same. Their rooms had strict rules about how tidy they had to be, including what was and wasn’t allowed to be put on the walls.

Castiel had struggled to remain himself. He wore their uniforms and combed his hair. His bedroom was always immaculate and he never put anything on the walls. Even his grades were perfect. Castiel was a model student, and though the school might have loved him, his peers certainly didn’t. Any conversation he tried to have with any of his peers only lasted for as long as it took to discuss whatever assignment someone _else_ was having problems with. He was well aware that was likely the _only_ reason anyone ever spoke to him, but even Castiel couldn’t go his entire school life _completely_ on his own.

In all honesty, he is fairly certain that he has never had an actual friend. Not unless he could count the books in the school libraries. _Friend_ is a word he would never have considered giving to anyone at any boarding school he has ever attended. To do that, he would have needed to actually speak to someone during breaks and vacations, right? If any of his peers were truly his friends, then they would have been interested in talking to him and spending time with him _without_ homework or a group project being the main topic of conversation. At least he wasn’t alone in despising group projects. For the other students, it meant being paired with people they might not like. For him, it merely meant that he would be doing most – if not all – of the work.

His positively stellar education aside, Castiel loathed every minute of private school. He was never outright bullied, but every year felt so very _lonely_ that he dreaded going back. And yet every year he was forced to return – not for lack of opposition on his part. But no matter how much Castiel begged his father to let him be home schooled – or, at the very least, let him attend public school – he was always refused his request.

The mention of public school had never gone over well with Father. He has always been very adamant with his opinions and even now he claims that homeschooling is for children with special needs and that public school is for the _common folk_. Mother, at least, seemed to be on Castiel’s side but even she can never sway Father’s opinion easily.

Sometimes, Castiel’s father gets on his nerves just as much as his arrogant peers did.

It doesn’t matter that the thought of attending public school scared Castiel more than anything else he’s ever done. The change would be extreme, no doubt, but school is school. He was more afraid of the fact that he would need to liveat _home_. Being around his mother more would have been nice, but it also would have meant that he would be around his _father_ for as often as Father would be home. His holidays and summers at home already felt so awkward and stiff when his Father was there. Sometimes it felt like Castiel couldn’t breathe. What would that  be like if he was there every day?

Despite that, Castiel has always known that private school doesn’t suit him. He would prefer almost anythingelse to having to attend it for another year. No matter how many expectations Father had for him, Castiel was certain he could still meet them no matter what school he attended. The pressure on him to pursue a medical career was – and still is – immense. Particularly since Gabriel turned out to be such a disappointed (as per his Father) when he chose to be a pastry chef. And _that_ is likely why Father always refused to let him attend anything but one of the best schools in the nation.

But all Castiel wanted - and still wants - was to be a _normal_ teenager. To achieve that, he had to make an extremely good argument to convince Father otherwise. Or, rather, to help convince _Mother_. Out of all possible candidates, Mother is and always will be the one most capable of changing Father’s mind. It just takes her some time, depending on how hard headed he’s being. After all, she’s the sole reason why Gabriel wasn’t outright disowned for shrugging off Father’s plan for him and moving across the country to do what _he_ wants to do.

Gabriel suffered in silence through all his years of private school and before he moved after graduating, he gave Castiel one piece of advice. He told him never to back down from Father. He should go for what _he_ wants, otherwise he’ll never be happy. And that is why Castiel constructed the best argument possible for Mother to take to Father. In short, he had stressed the fact that he wants to be a family practitioner. They might not make as much as a specialized doctor that would cost thousands of dollars to see for one particular ailment, but it would enable him to help more people.

He would still be a doctor and he can still specialize in something to fall back on should he ever get tired of the public. But to be able to treat them well, he will need to get to know the “common folk” better – as much as putting it like that makes Castiel feel sick. The only thing that separates him from these supposed ‘ _common folk_ ’ is money, and he hates it. Castiel wants to be normal. He doesn’t want to be pampered or have everything done for him. It only serves to make things more _boring_. The real world is out there and Castiel wants to experience it firsthand, outside of the books he borrows constantly from whatever library he has available to him.

His argument met all of Father’s demands and plans for his future. It was perfect, and it made no mention of Castiel’s confusion over what he would truly like to do with his life. A doctor is what he has always been told he should be. It’s not what he chose for himself and he has no particular attachment to wanting to be one. But it’s what father expects, and disappointing him is downright terrifying.

When he mentioned what he was trying to convince Father of in an email to Gabriel, Castiel never expected his big brother to put his silver tongue to use and start sweet talking their parents. Without Castiel knowing, Gabriel swooped in after Mother managed to at least get Father to start _thinking_ about public school, and he started singing the praises of a high school near his work. Not only did the school have some of the best students in the state, but it also happens to be in the same city as a fairly decent university - _Stanford_.

Perhaps it’s not _the_ best school, but it’s still one of Castiel’s top choices – and not just for its desirable location on the opposite side of the country from their father. With his grades and his father’s influence, Castiel could probably have his pick of the Ivy League schools. But he doesn’t want to go to those any more than he does a private school. At any rate, Castiel doesn’t foresee any difficulties with getting into Stanford. It’s likely that he could even apply for a scholarship if he wants to do things on his own. If he can, he would like to start earning his own way sooner rather than later. Even if he could, he doesn’t want to live off his Father’s money forever.

Castiel believes that what sealed the deal for everyone was when Gabriel offered to let him _live_ with him. He lives just a few blocks away from both the school _and_ his work. Mother absolutely loved the idea – as she has always insisted that the two of them need to spend more time together. Father, unfortunately, was not as convinced as she was. After all, Gabriel has not quite managed to work his way back onto Father’s good side even though it’s been a few years. But once Gabriel managed to sweet talk Mother into fully being on board with the idea, it didn’t take her _too_ long to convince Father that switching schools would be a good thing.

It came as a complete surprise to Castiel when he was granted permission to transfer schools in the middle of his junior year. The move was made during spring break and Castiel felt no remorse when he left his private school without a word to anyone. Unfortunately, he gave as much thought to that as he did to how a new student would be received in the middle of the school year - which is to say, he didn’t think about it at all. Castiel hadn’t stopped to think about what he would say when he was introduced to his new classmates. If he had, perhaps he wouldn’t have mentioned that he grew up in private boarding schools. And he also would have dressed in something more casual than an outfit that closely resembled the tie and blazers of his boarding school uniforms.

Truthfully, Castiel liked the styles. It was comfortable and he had no care if he wore a t-shirt or if he wore a button up with long sleeves or something with a vest. Clothing was clothing and he had always been raised to look presentable. In a public high school, dressing like the teachers was perhaps not the best of ways to win the affection of his new peers. As jarring a difference as there was between the strict rules of his boarding school and the apparent lack of them in the public school, Gabriel was there to help Castiel adjust as best as he could.

Gabriel did his best to help Castiel settle in a new city, but he could do nothing to help him _fit in_.

At first, Castiel’s new peers were intrigued because he’s parents are rich. They liked that he has travelled a lot overseas and they were impressed that he can speak multiple languages – all self-taught. But Castiel was maybe too shy for their tastes, or perhaps he was too soft spoken. It could have been how he dresses, or his classroom habits of obsessively taking notes and asking questions and actually _learning_. In either case, it didn’t take his new peers very long to determine that Castiel is, as they call him, a _nerd_.

And that is a situation he can’t help in the least. Is it his fault that he knows most, if not _all_ the answers to the questions the teacher’s pose? There are even some moments where he can _correct_ them. They’re good, but they’re not nearly as good as the professors that Castiel has studied under before. They assign more homework than Castiel is used to, but he’s happy to use his free periods and lunch hour to get the easiest of the work out of the way. Really, it’s the most prudent thing to do, but earning perfect marks on his homework _and_ having it done a week ahead of time had done nothing for his reputation.

Is he really to be blamed for liking to learn? He was already one of the best students in his previous school and no one liked him for it there either. Do people fault him for enjoying the company of books? He knows there are plenty of other students in his school who like to read too. He sees them reading in the halls, or in the cafeteria, or even in the library. But they seem as unwilling to talk to him as everyone else. There are some very smart students here who do pay attention during class, but they weren’t interested in speaking to him for very long either.

Gabriel said it’s because they see him as competition. Castiel doesn’t quite believe that, but it could be possible. Except he isn’t studious and hardworking to be better than them. He does it because it is what is _expected_ of him. Father will accept nothing less than perfection from him.

All in all, it’s not too surprising that Castiel is just as friendless by the end of his junior year as he was at his private school. Certainly there are plenty of people who are nice to him more often than not, but are they _friends_? Castiel is fairly sure that he can’t call them that. Being nice does not make people friends when he hardly speaks to them outside of the classroom. Is it his personality that his classmates find unattractive? Or his lack of a desire to keep up with the current popular crazes, or social media, or -well - much of anything, really?

He’s always been told by Gabriel that there’s nothing wrong with him and that he’s more likeable than most people his age, but he’s also a biased party. Granted, Castiel wouldn’t put it past his brother to call him out if he _was_ beinga so called ‘ _annoying_ ’teenager. But what makes someone one of those? Does he need to start gossiping and keeping up on current events? Does he need to know what’s happening in sports and with celebrities and which movies or shows are popular right now? It sounds as unappealing to him as spending hours preening in front of a mirror to attract a member of the opposite sex does.

Maybe that’s his problem. He looks presentable, but he doesn’t put effort into being – well, into being _attractive_. Or would ‘ _sexual_ ’ be a better term to use? That’s something that Castiel struggles with having an interest in. His private school was a bit more subdued because of the uniforms, but they too were beginning to show the signs of being ruled by their hormones like the classmates Castiel has here. Is he the only person his age _not_ caught up in the tide of natural biology?

Castiel can admit that there are certainly plenty of people who are aesthetically pleasing, but that doesn’t just stop at girls. There are many boys he would call ‘ _good looking_ ’ too. Despite that, Castiel can’t say that he’s ever been sexually attracted to anyone. Visually appreciating physical beauty is very different from wanting to put your hands and lips and various body parts against that beauty.

Of course, that doesn’t stop him from being like most red blooded teenage boys. Castiel _does_ masturbate, but only because it’s physically necessary sometimes. And when he does, he’s disappointed to find that it isn’t as overwhelmingly good as what he’s heard his peers talking about in locker rooms. He’s not sure if that’s the enduring guilt of the proper Christian upbringing he’s had, or if it’s something else entirely. Or, it could be because he’s certain that he has never developed a crush on someone and therefore never had anyone to think about when he touched himself. It hardly seems appropriate to crush on someone he barely knows just because they’re conventionally attractive.

His classmates may not know this about him, but Castiel feels like his lack of interest in either women or men also alienates him from them.

This is one of the dangers of thinking back on his choices as a means of falling asleep. As happy as Castiel is to finally be at a normal school with a mostly normal life, there are still things he wants and craves. And now his thoughts are lingering on this lump of loneliness he’s had sitting in his chest for years. Dwelling on that sadness is not conducive to falling asleep. If he wants to sleep any time tonight, then he should think about happier things.

For example, he could think about how after his move to California he now has more room to explore a hobby he’s been fostering for a few years now. It started with a book on photography that Castiel had found in the library at school. He had been slowly and surely working his way through the shelves and it was only a matter of time before he came upon one. His first purchase after finding that book was an old Polaroid camera – the kind that prints out a photograph immediately and the picture can be seen as soon as it dries.

With that camera, Castiel had spent _hours_ exploring the academy grounds. He had taken pictures of everything that could be photographed – from the landscape, to clouds, to flowers and bugs, to the buildings themselves and the old architecture both inside and out. As beautiful as it all is, Castiel has photographed everything to death. It didn’t take him very long to run out of things to take pictures of. But now that he lives in a big city with Gabriel, there is so much _more_ to see and photograph.

As a moving-in-with-Gabriel gift, Mother gave Castiel a proper digital camera. Between his parents, she’s the only one who accepts his hobby. Father thinks it’s nothing but a waste of time. At least Gabriel is plenty happy to feed it. Thanks to Gabriel, after his first weekend living in the city, Castiel had already filled up the memory card of his digital camera. And he’s kept that up every weekend since he moved in.

There’s a certain charm to the Polaroid camera and Castiel carries that with him too when he goes for a walk. Since Gabriel abhors all forms of public, he has even volunteered his time and his not often used car to drop Castiel off in different parts of the city so he can explore it through his viewfinder. On the rare occasion, Gabriel will even stay with him.

Regardless of how many pictures Castiel takes, he never really does anything with them. Anything taken with his Polaroid is kept in a photo album, but he does nothing with all the digital pictures. He only stores the best of them on his computer. The rest get deleted since the digital camera gives him the freedom to take multiple shots of everything. He does, however, have everything sorted into folders for the areas of the city they were taken in. Castiel considers this to be the best way of keeping track of the places that he’s been.

There’s something about taking pictures that utterly fascinates him. Even if he doesn’t have his digital camera or his Polaroid, then Castiel takes pictures with the camera on his phone. Generally, that would only be while he’s at school. He doesn’t like bringing either of his cameras to campus just in case he might damage them, lose them, or have them stolen. And those are risks he would rather not take with the few things he actually considers _precious_ to him.

Good. This is progress. He takes a deep breath and tries thinking of more things that make him happy. Castiel closes his eyes. That’s one good things about his life right now. There must be others. He _has_ to like other things about his life right now. Things like – like – like the libraries!  His new school library doesn’t have nearly as big a collection as his previous school, but it has many books that he hasn’t read yet and he’s happy to work through the ones he hasn’t read yet. The same can be said for the nearest public library.

Since he started at this new school, Castiel has spent the better part of the last few months of his junior year exploring the shelves and picking out most of what he hasn’t read before. His tastes are varied and he tries to go back and forth between different sections to keep himself from getting bored of one subject. To his delight, Castiel had also found that there were several new books about photography. It wasn’t much, but when he found one, Castiel took out all the others and read through them as quickly (and thoroughly) as possible.

Over the last few months he has definitely explored the settings on his digital camera, playing with them to find out what they do and how he could use them. Thanks to the books, Castiel has now learned so much about light placement and symmetry and a variety of things he’s never considered before. If he didn’t prefer to have a book in his hands instead of staring at a screen, he would likely have looked up more information on the internet – though he’s been tempted to do that more than once since he ran out of photography books to read.

Even though Gabriel encourages his hobby, he’s also been trying to get Castiel to do other things as well in his free time. But he isn’t interested in doing anything else. Castiel likes to spend what little free time he has between his Taekwondo lessons and homework learning about how to take a picture and how to edit it in Photoshop. He likes to take long walks and experiment with the subjects of his photographs. So far he has quite the collection of shop fronts, fountains, statues, various birds and animals, buildings, and parks.

There is, however, a distinct lack of _people_ in his pictures. The only people in them are the ones who get caught in the background. Honestly, Castiel just hasn’t had much interest in taking pictures of humans. He has a few of Gabriel and Mother and Father, but other than that there’s no one else in his life that he feels like photographing. Thus far _people_ have not left the greatest of impressions on him. To him, landscapes and architecture feel less distant than people do. With the right lighting and effects, he can make any hard building look more warm and welcoming to him than most people do.

With a sigh, Castiel turns on his side and tries to turn off his mind. Thinking has made him no more sleepier than when he started. Perhaps he’s in too melancholy of a mood to achieve sleep right now. Rightly so, considering the paths his thoughts seem intent on tracing. Even though he prefers to surround himself with books and knowledge to keep busy, his hobbies do nothing to keep him from feeling so very… _lonely_.

It might be a while yet before he manages to fall asleep tonight.

*

Something is ringing. The sound is high pitched and annoying and Castiel pulls his blanket over his head with a groan. Is it his phone? It must be. His alarm clock is currently set to wake him up with the radio. Who would be calling him at this ungodly hour of the day? Another good question would be, what time is it? Though, it doesn’t really matter. Any time would feel too early during his summer vacation. Not to mention that he was up later than he intended because he couldn’t stop thinking and now he’s certain that he hasn’t slept nearly enough.

Castiel groans again and sticks his hand out from under the blanket. He slaps at his bedside table until he finds the hard shape of his phone. He drags it back under the blanket and squints at the screen. Gabriel. Of course it’s Gabriel. There are very few people who would call him and of course his brother is one of them. But what could he be calling about? Castiel is seriously considering not answering it purely based on the time alone. This is at _least_ an hour before he would normally contemplate getting up during his summer holiday.

Besides, why would Gabriel be calling him now? He should have left for the café an hour ago and he should be preparing everything for when the store opens in a few hours. Forget it. Castiel is too tired to answer. If it’s important, Gabriel will leave a message and he can listen to it when he actually wakes up. He lets the phone ring out and rolls over to go back to sleep. Unfortunately, Castiel’s luck is not that good. Just as soon as the phone stops ringing, it starts up again.

With a sigh, Castiel answers the call. “I’m _sleeping_.”

“I know, princess.” Gabriel drawls and Castiel can actually _hear_ his amused grin. “But I need you to do me a favour, okay?”

Groaning, Castiel rubs a hand over his face. “Like what?”

“Like bringing me my wallet.” He explains quickly over the whirr of a mixer. “I forgot it on my desk and I’m going out after work. I’ve got a _date_ tonight.”

“And you couldn’t have waited to call me about this until later?” Castiel pushes the blanket away and rolls onto his back to glare at the ceiling.

Gabriel laughs and it’s a grating sound on his tired nerves. “I had to do it before I forget!”

“You could have left a message.” But that would be the _logical_ thing to do and Gabriel rarely does anything with rational thought. He’s driven by impulse and desire.

“But this is an _emergency_ , Cassie!” He whines, an edge of desperation entering his voice. “I couldn’t risk that you not check your messages.”

Sighing again, Castiel drapes his arm over his eyes. “How exactly does this classify as an emergency?”

After a short pause where Castiel can hear the clanking of whatever it is happening in the kitchen, Gabriel sighs wistfully. “Because she’s _really_ hot, Cassie. She’s out of my league hot. On _fire_ hot. Do you get what I’m saying?”

“She’s attractive.” Castiel briefly contemplates vengeance before he gives up the idea. “Fine.”

“Yes, she’s definitely _fine_ too!” Gabriel’s laugh echoes in the kitchen and Castiel is fairly certain he can hear someone telling him to shut up in the background. “Do this favour for me and I’ll pay you back with lunch. A sandwich meal on me.”

Well, that’s better than the soup Castiel was going to have for lunch. He can’t really make much more than that without burning something. It’s a part of his upbringing that irks him. His food has always been prepared for him and Castiel is having difficulty adjusting to making it himself.

“I’ll be by this afternoon with your wallet.”

“Thanks, Cassie! You’re a doll.” He makes kissing sounds at the phone. “Don’t forget, okay?”

Rolling his eyes, Castiel turns back onto his side. “I won’t. Good _bye_ , Gabriel.”

“Text me when you’re on your way!” The words come in a rush, clearly trying to catch his attention before Castiel hangs up. “I’ll have your favourite sandwich ready and waiting for you.”

Castiel grunts an affirmative and hangs up. He has no time for pleasantries when he’s tired and should never have been woken so early in the first place. With his alarm reset to a decent time a few hours from now, he turns onto his stomach and draws the blanket back up over his shoulders to make himself comfortable. In no time at all, he’s asleep again.

At no point would Castiel have actually forgotten what Gabriel asked of him, but apparently his brother doesn’t have the same faith in him. When he wakes up again, there are a half dozen text messages on his phone reminding him about his promise. What a wonderful way to start the day. Groaning, Castiel rubs his hands over his face and makes his way to the bathroom. Gabriel’s forgotten wallet can wait until after he’s done his morning rituals – even if it is rather close to noon.

While he brushes his teeth, Castiel stares at his reflection in the fogged after-shower mirror. In September he’ll be turning seventeen years old. Gabriel says that puberty has been very kind to him, even if Castiel doesn’t see it. Though, if asked, he would at least say that he isn’t _un_ attractive. His voice is getting deeper by the day and Castiel is one of the taller boys in his grade. Gabriel says that women like that, and that they like a man in good shape – which Castiel is, thanks to his Taekwondo classes and competitions. Honestly, he couldn’t care less about it all.

After washing his mouth out, Castiel rubs a thumb along his jaw. The feature he likes the least about himself is the facial hair. If he doesn’t shave every other day, he would likely have a full beard within a week or two. Since he didn’t shave yesterday, the lower half of his face looks darker to him today. It looks weird. Should a sixteen year old have facial hair like this? It’s odd and he takes the time to shave again before he deems himself ready to face the day. His hair is a mess, but any styling Castiel attempts is always destroyed within a few hours.

Castiel dresses himself quickly, pausing only to tuck his shirt into his jeans and fix the collar after he pulls his vest his on over top. Instead of bringing along his school satchel, Castiel decides on just wearing his trench coat. It was one of the first purchases he made after he moved in with Gabriel. It could possibly be another one of the reasons why his peers find him odd. The coat is ill-fitting on him – a few sizes too big that he just hasn’t grown into yet.

Gabriel said that Castiel will never grow into it and it will always be too big for him, but he doesn’t care. This is the first article of clothing that he’s ever bought for _himself_ and all that matters is that _he_ likes it. His mother didn’t buy it for him and his father likely wouldn’t approve of it. Wearing this coat feels like freedom. And it may be too heavy of a coat for the California heat, but there is almost always a breeze and it’s just enough to keep him from feeling overheated.

If worse comes to worst, he can always take it off and carry it over his arm for a while. In any case, Castiel doesn’t have much of a distance to walk, and Café du Crowley is always kept at a comfortably cool temperature. Besides, the many deep pockets are exceptionally handy. Outside of school hours his bag is completely useless to him when he can fit his wallet, his keys, his digital camera, his cell phone, _and_ a book into all the of his pockets.

Speaking of books, Castiel grabs one he was planning to start from his shelf before he leaves. He barely remembers to send Gabriel a message to let him know he’s on his way. He always likes to have something to read while he’s eating. Since he’s already photographed everything of interest on the walk between the apartment and the school, Castiel starts reading while he walks. It may not be long to go, but he should be able to get a few pages into the story before he reaches the café.

On the walk, Castiel passes by his school. The café is just a block down from it and Castiel fondly recalls the day when Gabriel had shown him where both were. They both had a good laugh at the sign and how it translates to “Café of the Crowley”. Apparently Crowley is not very adept at French, otherwise he would have it say “Café _de_ Crowley” so it would mean “Crowley’s Café”. Gabriel said it was a sore spot with Crowley because he’d already ordered everything with the name on it before anyone had informed him that it was wrong.

Aside from that nice moment, on the day Gabriel showed him where everything was, Castiel had been warned that he should never come to the café during the school day unless he was there for an emergency. It would be considered _uncool_ to be caught visiting the workplace of his older brother. Gabriel insisted that it didn’t matter how awesome the older brother is, it would still be detrimental to Castiel’s social status.

At this point in time, he thinks that it would have no effect on that. Even if Gabriel had been joking, his reputation wouldn’t suffer any if Castiel was caught talking to him. Truthfully, it might _improve_ it. The conversations in the hallway during the lunch hour are more than enough for Castiel to know that Café du Crowley has a decent crowd of students who regularly go there. They like the food and they like the serving staff.

To heed Gabriel’s warnings, just in case, Castiel has made no effort to go to the café during school hours. Gabriel always packs him a lunch anyways, so what reason does he have to go to the café? Aside from that, Castiel finds it pointless to leave the school during his free periods or the lunch hour. The library is a much quieter and far better environment to do his homework in. But he _has_ been to the café during the weekends. That’s how he knows that his favourite sandwich is the BLT and he has no preference in whether it’s the side salad or the fries.

Since he happens to be the head chef’s little brother, Castiel knows most everyone who works at the café. There are only a few people he has yet to meet and those would be the ones who only work on the weekdays. Even though he’s never met any of them, Castiel knows their names – all accept for one. He only knows one of them as _Lover Boy_. Gabriel complains about him a lot, though Castiel never really listens to _why_ he doesn’t like him.

When he walks through the door of the café, his eyes trained on his book, the people who might be working today are the furthest thing from his mind. He gets in line at the counter and continues to read, completely focused on that task alone. All the sounds around him blend together into the same buzzing background noise until he separates himself from the story when he reaches the front of the line.

“Hi. What can I get for you?”

It’s rare for Castiel not to recognize the voice of someone working at the café. Was someone new hired, or has he finally met one of the few employees he hasn’t before? Caught by surprised, he looks up curiously. Castiel recognizes the redhead manning the coffee station to his left. Her name is Anna and she works on the weekend sometimes. She’s only been at the café since she finished her exams in May and she doesn’t plan on staying when her classes start again in the fall. He only knows because Gabriel seems to know everything about everyone and he isn’t afraid of sharing it with his little brother when he gets home after work.

But the voice that Castiel doesn’t recognize clearly belongs to green eyes, subtle freckles, and a dazzling smile. The name tag on his shirt reads _DEAN_. This is a new face – a new _person_ that Castiel has never seen before. Someone new he’s never met here. He’s sure of it. He would never forget that face. It’s _perfect_. For as little attention as Castiel pays to the world around him, he knows that he has seen beautiful people before. But none have ever made him want to immortalize them with pencil, or in marble, or – or – or _on film._

If he were an artist, Castiel wouldn’t hesitate to sit in a corner of the café and spend hours just drawing every expression this _Dean_ makes. Even though he was one of the worst artists in the art classes he was once forced to take, he still learned quite a bit during the blocks about art history. Those classes felt pointless to him back then, but the information has certainly stayed with him, though he never thought he’d be able to use it. He learned all about Da Vinci’s Golden Ratio and symmetrical faces, and with one glance Castiel is _certain_ that Dean would fit the Golden Ratio mask perfectly.

This man is a stranger to him and Castiel has never wanted to photograph any living person more than he does this _Dean_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're interested in seeing Gabriel's apartment... [here is a post](http://riseofthefallenone.tumblr.com/post/112471989788/since-patience-the-companion-piece-will-start) with the majority of the layout and a brief description of the things I couldn't quite show in it.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He shrugs again and grins. “The cafeteria food is cheap as hell but unless you’ve got a cast iron stomach, you’re probably going to be missing at least one of your classes this afternoon.” Sam leans in closer and drops his voice into a whisper. “And it’s not gonna be pretty.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **There are no warnings for this chapter.**
> 
> This chapter takes place _before_ the [A Little Patience](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3739232) storyline.

Castiel is at a loss for words. He needs to ask for Gabriel, but he’s fairly certain that his voice isn’t going to work right now. The least he can manage is to open his mouth, but only silence follows. For one horrible moment, Castiel thinks that he’s about to make a fool of himself in front of a complete stranger. It wouldn’t be the first time, but it’s not something he particularly enjoys.

Thankfully, Anna is there to save him. “Isn’t it your break time, Dean?” She puts her hand on his shoulder and gestures toward the doors to the kitchen - and to where the break room is.

Dean glances at her with a smile. “Yeah, I’ll go after I’m done with this customer.”

“You can go now.” Anna shakes her head and pats his shoulder. “I’ll take care of him, don’t worry.” She turns a smile to Castiel. “You haven’t made up your mind yet, have you?”

It takes a moment for the question to sink in and Castiel shakes his head slowly. He usually only ever gets the BLT sandwich, but if this will buy him some time to get his thoughts back in order, then he’ll gladly take it. Especially since he now realizes that he’s been outright staring at Dean for longer than he knows to be an appropriate length of time.

Castiel looks at the menu board quickly and shakes his head again. “I – No, I haven’t.”

“Of course. Take your time!” She nods in understanding and turns back to Dean. “Go ahead and take your break. I’ve got this.”

“Alright, alright. You’re always trying to get rid of me.” Dean sighs and steps back from the cash register. He gives Castiel a bright smile before he turns away, stopping only to wink at Anna. “See ya!”

As soon as he’s ducked into the kitchen and the doors have swung shut behind him, Anna turns to Castiel with a smile bordering on the sly. “I take it that this is your first time meeting Dean?”

“Is he –” Castiel pauses and swallows. His lips feel dry and he licks them. “Is he new?”

Her smile only grows. “Just because you haven’t seen him in the last few months doesn’t mean he’s new. He’s been here for a few years now, I think.” She shrugs and glances over her shoulder. “But he only ever works on weekdays. I’m not surprised that you’ve never met him, since you never come visit me during the week.” A pout makes her bottom lip stick out when she looks back to him.

“I’m sorry.” He’s not quite sure what it is that he’s apologizing for, but he feels like it’s the appropriate thing to say in this moment.

That only makes Anna laugh and she shakes her head. “Don’t worry about it. Did you bring Gabriel’s wallet? He told me that you’re coming by to drop it off.”

“Oh!” In his earlier surprise, Castiel almost forgot why he was here. He digs around in his pockets until he finds the wallet. “Yes, I have it.”

“He’s swamped with baking right now and asked me to get it from you.” She holds out her hand and Castiel drops it into her palm. “He also told me that I’m supposed to give you a meal on his dime. Does that sound about right?”

He nods and looks up at the board. His usual BLT is sounding very appealing right now. Before he can say it, Anna laughs. “Gabriel said you’d be having the usual. Is that okay?”

“Yes, please. But just the sandwich is fine. I don’t need the meal.” He doesn’t want Gabriel to pay for the whole thing. There are better things he can do with his money than pay for things Castiel doesn’t actually need - especially since Mother and Father don’t put money into Gabriel’s account anymore. They stopped doing that when he decided to become a pastry chef.

“Sure thing.” Anna nods and starts entering the order.

While she does that, Castiel finds his gaze drifting from her to the kitchen doors. If Dean has worked here for _years_ , why has he never heard of him? Could he be the _Lover Boy_ that Gabriel is always butting heads with? He never mentioned what _Lover Boy_ looked like, or why he gave him the nickname. Castiel always just accepted it because nicknames are something Gabriel gives to everyone. He calls Anna ‘ _Red_ ’ and it wasn’t until after he met her in person did Castiel learn her proper name.

“He’s charming, isn’t he?”

Anna’s question catches Castiel by surprise and he looks back to her. “Excuse me?”

“Dean.” She tilts her head back toward the kitchen. “He’s charming.”

Is he? Castiel might not be the best judge for that. Customer service can be deceptive. He shrugs and his gaze flicks to the doors again. “I suppose.”

Her smile gets wider, catching Castiel’s eye. He looks to her again, curious about why her eyes have narrowed with her smile. This means something, but Castiel isn’t quite sure what that might be. He isn’t all that great at reading facial expressions, though he is a far cry better at it when he actually knows the person rather well. Castiel doesn’t even need to _look_ at Gabriel to read him properly most times. Compared to strangers, Gabriel’s expressions are as simple to read as a children’s book. But other people are often still a mystery to Castiel.

When he frowns at her, confused by her expression, Anna starts giggling. She finishes entering his order and puts it through as paid. “I’ll get Gabriel to fork over the money later. Why don’t you grab a seat? I’ll bring your sandwich over when it’s ready.”

At a loss regarding her amusement, Castiel only nods and finds a table. There are only a few left during the lunch hour and he takes the one located in the far corner. It gives him a good view of the whole restaurant and he likes to have his back to a wall when he reads. Doing so guarantees that no one will try to read over his shoulder, which is a concern he’s had for years with classmates trying to copy off of him in school.

He descends into the story again rather quickly, hardly noticing when Anna brings the sandwich to the table. She pats him on the shoulder and leaves without a word, knowing him well enough by now that he prefers not to be disturbed when he’s in ‘ _the zone_ ’, as Gabriel calls it. Despite that, a particular voice still manages to pierce through the fog that fills his other senses when he reads. Castiel forces himself not to look up again when he realizes that Dean’s break must be over, but he only lasts a moment before he sneaks a peek over the edge of his book.

This is silly. _He_ is being silly. Castiel is being ridiculous and he knows it. Dean’s face is just another face, no matter how beautiful it is. He shouldn’t be mooning over Gabriel’s co-worker like some smitten teenager. What he should be doing is reading his book and eating his sandwich. It’s a task Castiel has done several times in the past, but today it takes far too much mental focus to do the both of them at the same time, especially when he hears Dean’s _laugh_ for the first time. A shiver rattles down Castiel’s spine and he suppresses the overwhelming desire to take a picture of what that laughter looks like.

Thankfully, Dean disappears back into the kitchen soon enough. But just in case he comes back, Castiel holds his the book up high enough to hide the counter from view completely. It also hides most of his view of the shop and it means that Castiel also misses when Gabriel walks up to the table to kick him lightly in the shin.

“Hey, squirt.”

“You lost the right to say that to me when I grew taller than you.” Castiel puts his book down and looks up at him. “Are you on break?”

“Sure, why not?” Gabriel shrugs and drops into the seat opposite him with two milkshakes in hand. He pushes one of them across the table. “I figured I’d come talk to you for a little bit.”

A vanilla milkshake. So Gabriel _does_ know his favourites even when Castiel doesn’t order them very often. He leans back in his seat to enjoy it as Gabriel immediately launches into a detailed description of his plans for the evening. His date tonight is a set up with a friend of a friend and they’re going to some fancy restaurant that Castiel has never been to. Gabriel goes on at length about how beautiful his date is going to be. Her name is Kali and Gabriel is convinced that she is _extremely_ out of his league – even though he hopes that she’ll want to see him again after tonight, if all goes well.

For his entire break, Gabriel talks about Kali and how she works for some corporation that Castiel has never heard of. He barely says two words, simply nodding along to show Gabriel that he’s listening. It’s easier to forget about being distracted by Dean when he has his brother to hold his attention. In fact, Castiel has almost forgotten him completely by the time Gabriel’s break is over. While he finishes his milkshakes, he reads another few pages before he’s ready to leave. Castiel is jarringly reminded about the itching urge to take Dean’s picture when he turns to find him coming out of the kitchen with a dustpan and broom, his path clearly set to come around the counter.

Dean looks up as Castiel walks by and graces him with another dazzling smile. “Have a good day!”

That itch makes Castiel’s fingers twitch toward the pocket of his coat where his camera is and he forces his hand to hold still. “You too.”

He ducks out of the café quickly and heads back the way he came earlier. It’s best that he puts Dean out of his head entirely now. There is little point in thinking about him again. Doing that would likely only increase his desire to photograph him and there is no way Castiel could muster the courage to simply walk up to Dean and ask him to let him do that. Gabriel would be mortified and Castiel would likely never be able to show his face in the café again.

The only way he can think of getting the picture without asking would be to take it from a distance. But even _he_ is well aware that doing so would be the wrong thing to do. It would make him a stalker. Not only could he be reported to the police, but Gabriel would define something like that as being _exceptionally_ creepy. There are lines that Castiel doesn’t want to cross, even for his hobby or to settle the itch of taking pictures of beautiful things.

Since he has no plans to follow through on that, it’s pointless to dwell on any thoughts of Dean. Castiel devotes the rest of his walk to forgetting about him entirely.

*

His senior year is not starting out all too well. People have been nicer to him and some conversations about how the summer had been were held, but Castiel still feels a divide between him and the other students. That's fine, it was what he was expecting.  What he _didn't_ expect was the torrential downpour on the first day of school that started shortly after he left the apartment. By the time he had reached the school, Castiel had been soaked through. It was only thanks to his coat and his clothing that his bag and its contents were spared. It also meant that he spent the rest of his morning in his gym clothes until he had the time to go home at lunch to change.

On the second day, Castiel's bag broke. It was old and one that he had been using for years at the academy. He liked it because it was big enough without being _too big_ to fit everything that he needed for school - including whatever books he wanted to be carrying at the time. But the straps had finally given out and even though Castiel was confident that he could fix it with the right supplies, Gabriel had still dragged him out for an impromptu shopping trip to pick out a new bag.

Castiel likes his new bag and how it has just the right amount of space _plus_ special inside pockets for protecting electronics. Now he no longer needs to root around inside for his camera or his phone when he's not wearing his coat. But he did _not_ appreciate that it took them hours - literal _hours_ \- to do the shopping. Gabriel had insisted on going to every single store in the mall and he refused to let Castiel sit in the food court to wait for him. Why his brother believes that he needs to shower Kali with gifts now that she's his official girlfriend, Castiel will never understand.

Those were just the first two days of school. Today is the third and not only did Castiel accidentally sleep in because he was exhausted after the shopping expedition, but he only had time for an _extremely_ quick less-than-five-minutes shower. Which means he didn’t have the time to shave _and_ he forgot the lunch Gabriel made for him. It was such a simple thing to forget when he had to literally _run_ the entire way from the apartment to the school to make it to class before the final bell.

During the school year, his lunch is a part of the unofficial morning ritual Castiel shares with his brother. Gabriel always leaves a simple bagged lunch in the fridge for him to take to school. He doesn't technically need to do it, but he does it anyways. Castiel thinks it has something to do with Gabriel's desire to keep him from cooking. Which leaves him confused because he could just as easily go to the school cafeteria or the café for lunch. Of course, he doesn't complain. It lets him eat at school while he reads or does his assignments with minimal distractions.

Unfortunately for him, Castiel only remembered that he forgot his lunch once he sat down at his usual small two-person table tucked away in the corner of the cafeteria. He stares at the empty corner of his bag where the paper bag should be and sighs. If he wanted, he could walk back to the apartment to get his lunch, but he would lose time walking there and back and he had been looking forward to reading the new book he signed out of the library this morning.

Walking home would mean Castiel won't have the time to devote the right amount of attention to the book if he's focused on walking quick enough to get home and back before someone steals his table. Or he could just eat at home and read there. But then he'll still need to come back to school afterward and he’d rather not risk having to rush back if he accidentally reads for longer than he should.

All of those options seem equally unappealing to him, especially when the cafeteria is right there and today's menu special is macaroni and cheese. That sounds delicious, actually, and Castiel gets his wallet out. He leaves his bag on the table and takes two steps from it before he gets struck with the nervous idea that someone might steal his new bag while his back is turned. Gabriel would mock him forever if he lost his bag less than twenty-four hours after buying it.

But if he takes it with him, someone might decide to steal his table and Castiel _likes_ that table. It’s just far enough from the main tables that he’s not right in the thick of the ‘ _popular_ ’ students. If someone takes it, he might have to sit closer, or sit someplace less desirable - like next to the garbage can that always _reeks_ no matter how often they change the bag inside.

The dilemma perplexes Castiel for a moment before he notices the blonde girl sitting at the table next to his. He shares his history class with her and he remembers doing an assignment in last year’s science class with her. She had been very nice then. Hopefully she'll be just as nice now.

Castiel clears his throat as he approaches her. “Excuse me?”

She looks up from the conversation she's having with a tall boy. He's in another of Castiel's classes, but he can't place his name any more than he can the girl’s. “Hi!” Her smile is kind and it gives Castiel hope. “What's up?”

“Could you watch my bag for a moment, please?” He gestures at his table behind her. “I'm –“

“Of course!” She waves her hand and nods, making her yellow curls bounce on her shoulders. “We'll make sure no one touches your bag or your table. Promise.” She even makes a cross over her heart to prove she means it.

“Thank you.” Castiel smiles, hoping his trust isn't being misplaced. “I'll be back momentarily.”

He's barely been in the line at the cafeteria for more than a few moments before the tall boy from the table comes up next to him. “You forgot your lunch, huh?”

Confused and more than a little curious, Castiel glances at him with a frown. “I – Yes? How did you –?”

The boy shrugs. “Last year and for the last few days you brought your lunch and usually eat while you read. Jess noticed, since we sit beside you like every day during lunch. She’s my girlfriend.” He gestures over his shoulder at the table and Jess waves. The name sparks recognition in Castiel. With it comes the boy’s name – _Sam_. Jess talked about him during their assignment last year.

Sam continues talking. “Anyways, I figured that you should be warned that only the truly desperate should be eating this shit.”

That catches Castiel by surprise and he looks suspiciously at the slowly moving line ahead of him before turning back to Sam. “Excuse me?”

He shrugs again and grins. “The cafeteria food is cheap as hell but unless you’ve got a cast iron stomach, you’re probably going to be missing at least one of your classes this afternoon.” Sam leans in closer and drops his voice into a whisper. “And it’s not gonna be pretty.”

Of course missing a class wouldn’t be pretty. It would be a mark on his permanent record. And if he misses a class then his parents would be informed. Castiel doesn’t even want to _think_ about the hell his father would give him for that.

When he continues to stare at him, Sam snorts a laugh and leans back again. “Dude, I’m trying to be subtle about telling you that it’s going to give you the _shits_.”

“Oh!” Castiel feels embarrassment burn hot across the back of his neck and he ducks his head in shame. “I’m sorry. I don’t do well with subtle.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He laughs and his smiles doesn’t looklike he’s being mean. “My big brother misses out on subtleties sometimes too. It happens to everyone. Anyway, if you’ve got the coin to spare then you should _really_ look into eating somewhere else.”

“Thank you for telling me. I didn’t know.”

He could easily just go home instead. But now Castiel needs to weigh the pros and cons and possibility of having an upset stomach this afternoon versus walking home to get his lunch. There’s also a number of eateries within just as equal a walking distance as going home – including the café where Gabriel is currently working through the lunch rush.

“No problem.” Sam tucks his hands into his pockets and turns away. “There’s a café up the street you should try. Crowley something or other. They’ve got decent sandwiches and cakes you would die for.”

Castiel can’t stop himself from smiling. He’s talking about Gabriel’s café. Well, why not? Now that he’s been reminded of the sandwiches there, Castiel figures he could go for a BLT. Or maybe he’ll mix it up and get the ham and swiss. Or roast beef. There are so many choices and his stomach is starting to demand that he gets one of them as soon as possible.

He follows Sam back to their tables to grab his bag. With one more thank you to Sam and Jess, Castiel heads out into the windy September day. His coat protects him from being chilled by it and the sun is keeping him plenty warm. He grew a little more during the summer and now he fills out the coat better than ever. It’s still not _perfect_ , but Castiel hopes that he still has a little more growing left to him. His father is rather tall and he’d like to be able to see eye to eye with him when he’s older.

Before he walks into the café, Castiel pauses to pull his book from his bag. If he can get in at least _some_ reading during the rest of his lunch hour, he’ll be satisfied. It won’t be as much as he wanted to read, but it will be enough.

This is the first time that he’s in the café during school hours _and_ on a weekday. To his surprise, he finds the café packed almost at seating capacity. There are only a few tables left and the rest are filled with giggling girls (and a few guys) that he assumes are from his school. Gabriel _did_ say that a lot of students came here for lunch, but Castiel never expected this many.

When he turns toward the counter to get in line, everything becomes perfectly clear as he is reminded about _Dean_. No wonder there are so many girls. If Castiel, of all people, finds Dean to be handsome, then he can’t even imagine how the hormone-ruled populace of his high school would feel about him. Though he is not usually a betting man, Castiel would still bet his last dollar on the chances that the majority of the girls in here right now would jump at the chance to date Dean.

Granted, they likely know as much about him as Castiel does. Actually, no. That’s not true. Thanks to Gabriel, he actually knows quite a bit more than he realized. He knows that Dean has a little brother that Dean moons over constantly - much to Gabriel's annoyance. Castiel also knows that Dean is very charismatic. Everyone is charmed by him. Even Gabriel was in the beginning. He never did explain to Castiel why he doesn't like Dean or why he gave him the nickname _Lover Boy_ , but there must be a reason for Gabriel to form a negative opinion of him.

But for as much that Castiel knows about Dean, he also knows that his interest in him does not extend any further than what he knows now. He has no wishes to date him, unlike most of the patrons here. All he wants to do is take his picture. It makes him wonder, as he steps into the queue at the counter, if Dean has been approached by other photographers too. Has he ever had a professional stop him on the street and beg him to try modeling for them? Castiel wouldn't be surprised if he has. As it stands, he barely considers himself an amateur photographer, but he would still _jump_ at the chance to capture Dean on film.

Amateur photographer. Father would be _furious_ if he ever heard Castiel call himself that. He may tolerate this as a hobby, but it can never amount to anything. Castiel is going to be a _doctor_ , after all. Taking pictures is a hobby and its only use is to pass what little free time he has outside of studying. That is the path laid out before him and it's the only one Castiel can walk if he doesn't want to get on his father's bad side. He was there when Father learned that Gabriel was choosing a different career than the one planned for him and it was frightening. Castiel doesn't want to be any part of that again.

When it’s his turn to place his order, Castiel is not surprised to find that Dean doesn’t recognize him. It’s been nearly two months see they first met. Dean smiles at him with the same smile he gave to everyone in line already. Castiel wasn’t expecting recognition but there is a strange twinge of disappointment at the base of his throat.

“Hey, welcome to Café du Crowley.” Dean’s French accent is atrocious but amusing when he tries to pronounce the cafe’s name properly. “What can I get for you today?”

Castiel doesn’t even need to look at the menu board. He knows exactly what he wants to get. “I’ll have the BLT meal with a side salad, a bottle of water, and –” He pauses and glances at the cooled display of all the pastries that Gabriel has worked so hard on today. It looks like éclairs are on special at the moment. “And one of the special delights, please.”

When he looks back to Dean, he expects to see him entering the order on the register. Instead, Dean is staring at him with his lips parted slightly. Castiel is confused. He frowns slightly and tilts his head. Was it something he said? All he gave was his order and he’s fairly sure that he didn’t trip over any of his words as he did it. There were no hesitations, no stuttering. Has he done something else? Is there something on his face?

A mild panic starts to set inside his chest, but it vanishes in a moment. Dean blinks and colour rises in his cheeks. It only lasts a second and Dean clears his throat. He nods sharply and looks down at the register. “Y-yeah. Good choice. Is that for – uh – inside or to go?”

Oh. Castiel hadn’t thought of that. He looks over his shoulder, seeing if anything meets his standards. Thankfully, the table he usually sits at in the far corner is free. “Inside, please.”

Dean looks up at him from under his eyelashes, never lifting his face from the register. “Name?”

Everyone else already knows his name. Castiel has never had to give it before when ordering here. And no one ever knows how to pronounce his name properly or even write it most times. With a soft sigh, he gives his last name. “Collins.” It’s easier to understand and far more simple to write.

“Collins?” He lifts his head and raises an eyebrow curiously. Castiel nods and Dean shrugs as he finishes entering the order. “Got it.”

Before he can say the total, Castiel hands over a twenty dollar bill. He can see the amount plain as day on the customer’s side of the display on the register. And he’s had this exact meal on most weekends for the majority of the year. The price is seared into his memory.

“I’ll give you a call when it’s all ready, Collins.” Dean smiles and hands back the change, along with a bottle of water he grabs from the bottom of the cooled display case.

“Thank you.” He drops most of the change into the tip jar and slips away to the corner as quickly as he can, doing his best to ignore the itch building in his fingers again.

The longer he looks at Dean, the worse it gets. Even hearing his voice doesn’t help. Castiel can still hear him through the chatter of the café. Only when he has the book open does it begin to blend into the background with the rest of them. Usually after eating his lunch, Castiel retires to the library to read and that room is nearly dead silent for the remainder of his lunch hour. But reading here takes a little more concentration – more so even than when he reads in the cafeteria.

Castiel is practiced in ignoring the voices of his peers, but Dean’s voice is new. It’s rough and pleasant to listen to. And it is so very _distracting_. He manages to read through a handful of pages before he’s completely able to fully focus on the story and nothing else but it. Castiel becomes so focused that he almost misses when Dean calls his name for his order. Dean graces him with another smile when Castiel goes to the counter to pick it up. All it does is reignite his desire to capture its perfection.

As difficult as it is, Castiel does his best to put Dean out of his mind once he sits down at his table. Two months of avoiding the café during the week clearly wasn’t long enough to stop him from thinking these thoughts. He shouldn’t be thinking about how he would like to see all the different expressions that Dean can make. And he _definitely_ shouldn’t be thinking about how he wants to capture each one with his camera. But Castiel knows that will never happen and he should simply stop thinking about it.

What he knows of Dean, aside from his name, is everything that Gabriel has told him. And Lord knows how true any of that might be. Gabriel hasn’t even used Dean’s real name in Castiel’s presence yet. As it stands, Castiel doesn’t plan on coming here very often. Once he leaves, he’ll forget Dean soon enough, just like he did before. Therefore it is excessively pointless to waste his time thinking about photographing Dean. He can spend that time better with reading his book. Castiel needs to have it done before his homework levels get to be too much. Staying on top of his homework means staying ahead in his marks. And that means he’ll be keeping his grades up. And as Father says, _that_ is all that matters.

*

On his seventh day of school, Castiel’s final class before lunch finds him hungry. He could have had cereal for breakfast, but instead of that he had eaten most of the lunch that Gabriel had left him. It was enough to fill him up, but a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, an apple, and a juice box are certainly not enough to carry him through the rest of his day. A single serving bag of all dressed chips is currently sitting in Castiel’s bag for a snack to be had later. He _could_ have had cereal like he was supposed to, but when the time came he found himself eating his lunch instead. Which means that he is without anything to eat when his class lets out in five minutes.

It wasn’t exactly his _plan_ to go to the café for lunch today. But the closer the minute hand gets to his lunch break, the better an idea it becomes. As he packs his binder, notebook, and highlighters away, Castiel tells himself that he’s only going to the café for the food. And the only reason he is one of the first few people out of the classroom as soon as the bell rings – an occurrence that has never happened before - is because of how hungry he is.

On the walk to the café, Castiel rationalizes this change in his behavior with a single thought. The only reason he was the first one out the door is to beat the usual lunch rush. He doesn’t want to have to deal with waiting too long for his food, or risk having someone take his preferred corner table. That is really the most logical reason as to why he’s doing this. He skipped the cereal this morning because he didn’t have the time to make it and clean the bowl before he left. Now that he has no lunch, going to the café is just the right thing to do.

It shouldn’t – it _doesn’t_ matter that this will mark the second time in under a week where he’s had lunch there. It’s not like Castiel is going to be making this a habit – and even if he did, he has no reason not to. Eating lunch at a café every week day won’t hurt his wallet. His parents give him plenty of money for his allowance and Castiel rarely spends it. The majority of his allowance continues to build in his savings. Despite that, money won’t be the reason why Gabriel won’t like it if Castiel ends up making this habit.

Relief loosens the tightness in his lungs when Castiel steps into the café and sees a dark haired woman behind the counter. Gabriel spoke about the new employee who was hired to replace Anna. This must be Meg. Castiel can’t recall if he saw her at all the last time he was here. His memory of his time here feels fuzzy and he places the blame for that on Dean. Actually _speaking_ to him has apparently erased part of his memory.

Meg looks up from wiping down the counter and smiles in welcome. Before the students arrive, the café is actually fairly empty. There are only a people right now and they all look like workers from other businesses in the area. They all seem to be close to finishing up and getting ready to leave. They must know that the place is about to get flooded with teenagers. It only makes sense that they would want to clear out before that happens.

From the door, Castiel couldn’t hear the voices in the kitchen, but at the counter, he can. Somebody is having an argument and Castiel is fairly certain that he knows who. After years of hearing it directed at his parents through the walls of his home, he can quite easily pick out Gabriel’s voice as one of the parties involved. Who could he be fighting with? Is it Dean, or Crowley, or perhaps one of his ‘ _underlings_ ’ – as he so fondly refers to those who work in the kitchen with him?

Meg’s smile falters slightly when she realizes that Castiel’s attention is on the kitchen doors instead of her. “Excuse me a moment.” She steps away quickly, heading for the service window where the kitchen passes the food through to the front area. “Would you two cool it? The school crowd is coming in! Ken, we need you front and center. Get your chiseled chest out here.”

Ken? Castiel tilts his head in thought. To his knowledge, there is no one by that name here. Gabriel would have told him. Unless… Is Castiel wrong in assuming that Dean is Lover-Boy? Any further contemplation on that is halted indefinitely when Dean comes through the doors, dispelling any and all confusion. The glare Dean directs at Meg dissolves almost immediately into surprise when he notices Castiel standing at the counter.

His smile lights up and he heads straight for the cash register. “Hiya! What can I get for you today?”

Castiel is taken aback by the familiarity in Dean’s tone. He blinks and stares for a moment before remembering his order. “I – I’d like a BLT, please. With side salad, bottle of water, and whatever pastry you have on special.” He doesn’t care what the special is. There has yet to be anything that Gabriel has baked that Castiel hasn’t liked. And today it would be nice to be surprised.

Dean raises his eyebrows and starts entering the order into the till. “So, the same as the other day with a pastry surprise, huh? Sounds good to me.”

Again, Castiel is caught off guard. Dean remembers what he ordered? How – or better yet – _why_? Is it because Castiel is likely the only person who has come in twice in under a week wearing a trench coat like this? Or perhaps Dean just has a very good memory? There is any number of reasons, and Castiel has to force himself to stop from asking the question out loud.

He nods and gets the money from his pocket. “Inside. For Collins, please.”

“Sure thing.” Dean smiles and hands back some change and the bottle of water again. “I’ll call for you when it’s ready.”

With so many smiles, Castiel’s itchy shutter finger is only getting worse. He mumbles a quiet thank you and ducks away to his corner table. By the time he sits down, the line at the counter is already five people long and there are more people walking in. The tables are filling up quickly. Sighing, Castiel pulls out a new book. He finished the other one a few days ago and his homework is still rather light right now. His schedule will perfectly accommodate reading another book. It’s more preferable than taking out his binder and trying to fit it on this table with his food tray soon.

And reading helps distract him from wanting to take Dean’s picture. Castiel has come to terms with how he will never be allowed to do that. But just because he can’t take his picture doesn’t mean he’s not allowed to at least _look_ , right? He won’t be doing anything wrong. All he wants is some food and the chance to steal the occasional glance at Dean. That will satisfy him plenty.

“Order up for Collins!”

Castiel looks up from his book. Dean is waving at him before he ducks off to take another order. Leaving his book and his bag at the table, Castiel quickly makes his way through the growing crowd to get his tray. The dessert is missing, but before he can ask about it, Dean is back with a slice of warm apple pie and a decent dollop of whipped cream. It’s a pleasant surprise, much to Castiel’s delight. Gabriel’s preference lies with cakes, not pies.

“Enjoy!” Dean winks as he pushes the tray across the counter to him.

“Thank you.” He mumbles again and ducks his head as he returns to his table.

Why did Dean wink at him? Was that truly necessary? Was there a meaning behind it or was Dean merely being friendly? His personality seems to be friendly with everyone – save Gabriel, it seems. The question plagues Castiel through the first few bites of his lunch until he catches a glance of Dean doing the same to a few girls in line. It makes them both giggle loudly and blush. All it does is confuse Castiel a little more. Perhaps it really doesn’t mean much else besides a friendly gesture.

There’s a strange twinge of disappointment in Castiel’s stomach and he looks down at his book again. It’s best that he not think about it. He has a meal to enjoy and a book to read. There is truly no reason for Dean to be treating him any different than anyone else. Castiel isn’t special and he knows it. Besides, he doesn’t want special treatment. He’s here for lunch and _only_ lunch.

*

There is rarely any peace and quiet when living with Gabriel. If he isn’t talking Castiel’s ear off, then he’s on the phone with someone else (if the friend isn’t already visiting), or he’s watching TV, or he’s listening to music – all at decibels that border on the obscene, in Castiel’s opinion. Whenever he has time alone at home, he relishes the silence and the chance to play his own selection of music on his iPod – granted, Castiel only really listens to his music with headphones as it is. He rarely gets the urge to play it on the sound system and fill the apartment with it.

When he got home after school today, he had hoped he would have a little more than five whole minutes to enjoy the peace and quiet before Gabriel would get home. Castiel barely had the time to put his homework on his desk and use the washroom before the apartment door slams shut on the other side of the wall shared between the bathroom and entry hall.

Is he still upset about whatever it was he and Dean were fighting about at the café earlier? Gabriel _has_ been known to hold a grudge now and then. It wouldn’t surprise Castiel if this was one of those moments. Though hopefully it won’t sour Gabriel’s mood for the rest of the night. Kali will be coming over for dinner – which is why Castiel is happy he saved his chips as a snack.

Whenever Kali is scheduled to visit, Castiel has been banned from setting foot in the kitchen. Gabriel always wants it _pristine_ for when she is here. The same can be said for the living room and his bedroom. Thankfully, Castiel’s room is spared the same scrutiny – though it needn’t be. His room is always perfect.

He steps out into the hall after drying his hands and glances at his bedroom door directly across from the bathroom. Just a few steps and he could disappear into his room before Gabriel would be able to sink his teeth into him. Already Gabriel is muttering under his breath and Castiel can hear the rant on the horizon. He’s not much looking forward to it – especially when he has so much homework to do.

For starters, he needs to begin researching what he wants to do for a project in biology class. It’s a project that he’ll have to work on all semester and he needs to submit a proposal to the teacher before he can start it. And then there are the chemical equations he has to study on top of what his math teacher assigned. There is a whole chapter of his textbook to read tonight _and_ all the questions at the end of it to answer still. None if it is due tomorrow, but Castiel would like to get it out of the way nonetheless to free up time to do anything else he might want to do.

There’s a busy evening of work to do and Gabriel will tie him up for ages if Castiel lets him. But he hesitates a moment too long and Gabriel moves into the apartment just far enough to see him around the corner of the hall. “Cassie!”

Castiel flinches and turns to his brother. “Hello Gabriel.”

Said brother is currently stomping his way into the kitchen. He ducks around the curved island that separates the tiled kitchen space from the carpeted living room and hallway. Gabriel doesn’t own a table to eat at. He chose to fill the space with comfortable furniture, potted plants, and an obscenely large TV. His dining area consists of four high seated chairs along the outside edge of the kitchen’s island. It works for just the two of them and Kali hasn’t complained once. In fact, she’s complimented the space and Gabriel preened for three days over it.

With a sigh, he seats himself at the island. He might as well face his fate now. “Problems, Gabriel?”

That might be putting it lightly. Gabriel throws his keys down on the island and they skid right across it. Only Castiel’s quick reflexes stop them from sailing off the edge and to the floor. He puts them in the dish at the corner of the island reserved for their keys. “What happened today?”

“Co-workers, Cassie. _Co-workers_ happened today.” He runs his hands through his hair before opening the fridge. “They’re frustrating as hell. _Never have them_.”

Castiel tilts his head and watches as Gabriel shuts the fridge without taking anything out. “Was it the new girl?” From what he heard earlier, he doubts that it was Meg.

“No!” Gabriel spins around to face him and slams his hands down on the countertop. “It’s _Lover-Boy_.” Ah, so it _is_ about Dean then. “He’s supposed to pimp the special desserts to the customers. I make an _excess_ of them because they’re the damn _special_ and I caught that dick trying to peddle the pies first.” He throws his hands in the air and starts pacing. “Pies are so _simple_ , Cassie, that I actually let someone _else_ put them together.”

Was that why he got a slice of apple pie today? That makes Castiel curious about what the special was. And how did Dean know that he would like the pie? He likely didn’t and just assumed he would. After all, who _doesn’t_ like warm apple pie?

Apparently Gabriel isn’t finished. “I bust my ass on the specials every damn day and he goes and pimps those fucking _pies_. I could kill him. I could really kill him.”

“Oh.” Castiel doesn’t like seeing his brother this upset, but he also _really_ enjoyed that pie slice. He also realizes that Gabriel might not know that he was there today, or that he now knows Dean’s real name. “If it’s any consolation, I really enjoyed the apple pie today.”

The look he receives for that is both venomous and surprised. “You were at the café today? What about the lunch I made for you?”

He shrugs and looks down at his hands. “I ate it for breakfast.”

“So, you’ve met Dean then.”

“I met him when I dropped your wallet off. Didn’t Anna tell you?”

Gabriel groans and rubs his hands over his face. “I was elbow deep in tarts for some catering gig Crowley snapped up. I barely knew what time it was, let alone who was working the damn cash register.” He sighs and crosses his arms. “I was trying to spare you from that prick.”

The insults don’t sit well with Castiel and he shifts uncomfortably. He may not know Dean, but from what he’s seen, he seems fairly pleasant. Before he can interject, Gabriel continues with his ranting. “Did you know that he never picks up a weekend shift? _Never_. Ash needs someone to cover his Saturday shift this weekend and Dean is the only one not already booked to work it.” Even on his weekends Gabriel goes in during the morning to get everything prepped for the weekend chefs. “And he refused to take it. We don’t have the manpower for that, Cassie, and he’s an asshole for not taking it and helping Ash out.”

“Did he say why he couldn’t take it?” Castiel asks quietly. He doesn’t want to take a stance on someone he doesn’t really know.

“I dunno.” Gabriel shrugs and starts pulling pots and pans out of the cupboard, likely to get started on dinner before Kali is supposed to arrive. “I don’t care.”

“Maybe…” He clears his throat and stops himself from fidgeting with the sleeve at his wrist. “Maybe you should find out before you pass judgment. It’s possible that Dean has prior engagements for the weekend that you aren’t aware of.”

For a horrifying moment, Castiel feels like he might have said the wrong thing. Gabriel freezes with a pan in his hand and stares at him, eyes narrowed into suspicious slits. “What do you know of his _prior engagements_? Is there something you’re not telling me?”

Confusion floods through him, swallowing up the instance of fear. “There is nothing that I’m not telling you.” Except for his desire to photograph Dean, but that can easily go unmentioned. “I’m merely suggesting that Dean might have other plans and it’s not fair for you to accuse him of being lazy without knowing the entire situation.”

“Don’t even get me started on the kind of _plans_ guys like him have on the weekends, Cassie.” Gabriel sighs and closes the cupboard. “And as a heads up, dear brother, when I’m angry at someone you’re supposed to _validate_ my feelings.”

He knew that, but he also knows that though Gabriel is justified for his anger over the pies, the situation with the weekend shifts is irrational for him to be angry about when he doesn’t have enough information for it. Perhaps a joke might lighten the situation.

Castiel clears his throat and sits up a little straighter. “I’m sorry.” He keeps his voice in the monotone deadpan he knows always gets under Gabriel’s skin. “He’s an ass for not taking a shift when his schedule doesn’t allow it.”

At least that gets a wry smile out of Gabriel. “You’re not allowed any dinner, smart ass.”

With a shrug, Castiel pulls his cell phone from his pocket. “I’ll just order a pizza then.”

Gabriel laughs and points to an area over Castiel’s shoulder. “Go to your room.”

It doesn’t take as much effort as it used to for Castiel to fix him with a pleading look. “But then I can’t bother you like a younger brother should.”

“I’m going to poison your dinner.”

“I thought I wasn’t allowed dinner?” He’s winning and Castiel allows himself a triumphant grin. It seems he has successfully derailed Gabriel’s rants and his irritation towards Dean – for the time being.

After a moment’s pause, Gabriel sighs loudly. His glare is softened by his smile. “You’re insufferable.”

“I love you too, big brother.” Castiel grins and slides from his chair. “I’ll get out of your way now.”

“Nah, stay where you are and keep me company.” This time when he opens the fridge, Gabriel pulls vegetables out of it. “And _no_ , you’re not allowed to help. Not in this lifetime or the next.”

With a huff, Castiel sits down again and crosses his arms over his chest. Apparently, in this family, you get banned from the kitchen permanently if you set the smoke alarm off more than three times in as many days. He’s been marked for life, it seems. His amusement over the matter makes him smile. How will he ever survive now?


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His mind can’t even move beyond those few letters to start going through the wave of questions this one little slip of paper is inspiring. Castiel’s world has come to a sudden and confusing stop because of this simple string of ten digits. The ability to understand and function has left him and there is only one thing Castiel knows right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for this chapter.
> 
> This chapter takes place _during_ [Chapter One](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3739232) of the _A Little Patience_ storyline.

Castiel sighs and stares at the message he’s typed out. Proper grammar, proper punctuation and capitalization, and the content is fairly good news. He sighs again and hits send, hoping that Father won’t be answering it _too_ soon. It was unnerving enough to wake up to messages from Father to start with. They were so important that Castiel had to deal with their instructions immediately or else he could risk having Father call the school, if not actually _visit_.

Father was as ‘ _pleased_ ’ as is possible for him by Castiel’s grades at the end of the last school year. But this year he’s decided that Castiel needs to do even _better_. The text messages this morning had insisted upon what a good idea it would be for Castiel to make an appointment with one of the school’s guidance counselors and speak to them about the possibilities of extra credit assignments or what options he might have for taking more challenging classes. Neither are things that Castiel actually _needs_ , but having them on his transcripts would benefit him in the future.

It’s because of those messages that Castiel had to stay after school to speak with one of the counselors. He’s already enrolled in every advanced placement class that the school offers for everything that he’s actually interested in or needs to take so there wasn’t much the counsellor could offer him in that regard. To his understanding, extra credit assignments are usually only given to students who are actually in need of it, but since Castiel has a truly stellar record with the school after only a few months there, they are willing to look into giving him some if he doesn’t feel challenged enough.

If Castiel pushes harder, they might even consider moving him up a grade but he won’t make mention of that to anyone. This is his senior year, after all. The only other thing he could do is graduate more than a semester ahead of everyone else. Hopefully Father won’t insist on it. Castiel had refused that in the private schools and he’ll refuse that here too. It’s hard enough to try and fit in as it is. The last thing he needs is to be the youngest student in his university classes. He’ll be happy to graduate with his current peers, and it doesn’t even matter to him if he gets chosen as class valedictorian – though that would obviously please Father a great deal.

Waking up to text messages from Father demanding more from him than he’s already giving was enough to put Castiel in a bleak mood for most of the day. He didn’t even eat breakfast and he barely touched the meal he had at the café for lunch. The leftovers are still in his bag right now. Maybe Dean or Meg told Gabriel, because he is unsurprisingly aware of just how upset Castiel is today. He knew about the messages from Father and he also knows that being pushed around like this would make Castiel upset. It’s also no surprise that there was a text message from him on Castiel’s phone by the end of the day, telling him to come to the café afterward so they can walk home together.

Thankfully, though still a little disappointing, Dean is not at the café when Castiel arrives. From the looks of it, he might be gone for the day. It’s that or he’s in the back and out of sight. Castiel doesn’t know his shift times, other than that he only works there on weekdays. Honestly, that’s for the best. The less that Castiel knows about him, the better.

Meg is wiping down the tables when Castiel walks through the door. She looks up with a smile, though it’s not nearly as genuine as Dean’s always is. “Hel – oh!” She pauses and looks Castiel over from his head to his toes, recognition clear on his face. “Back already?”

He tilts his head as he regards her. After all the people who came here for lunch, she actually remembers him? She must have a very good memory. Castiel nods and glances towards the kitchen. “Is Gabriel finished work yet?”

When he looks back to her, Meg has a hand on her hip and her eyebrows are raised in surprise. “You’re here for his highness?”

“Yes. We’re walking home together.” He nods again and checks his phone out of habit, hoping to see that the screen is still blank with no message from Father. Thankfully, only his downloaded apps are showing at the moment.

Meg still looks thoroughly surprised. “I thought he said that he had a girlfriend?”

What does Kali have to do with anything? Castiel frowns in confusion as he tucks his phone away. “He does, and her name is Kali. Mine is Castiel and I’m his brother. We live together.”

“Oh!” She laughs sharply and dissolves into giggles that last far too long for what he said. What was so funny about it? “He never said anything about having a cute brother!”

That catches Castiel by surprise. Cute? She thinks he’s cute? This is the first time anyone outside of his family has told him that. He ducks his head and tries to will the heat out of his cheeks. It’s no good for him to be standing around at the front of the café with a blush. And Gabriel will tease him for all eternity if he’s caught like this. This is made all the worse by the fact that Castiel has no idea what to say to Meg. Should he thank her? Or should he ignore it? What is he supposed to do? He doesn’t have any experience to draw on for this and it’s leaving him at a loss.

Thankfully (or not), Gabriel makes his appearance then and saves Castiel from having to answer. He comes through the kitchen doors while loudly saying goodbye to everyone behind him. As soon as he spots Castiel, he breaks into a wide smile. “Cassie! Ready to hit the road?”

Castiel nods and turns to leave with nothing more than a muttered ‘ _goodbye_ ’ in Meg’s direction. Gabriel follows as Meg waves them out, laughing through her own farewell. Apparently she takes pleasure in Castiel’s mild embarrassment. Well, at least Gabriel seems to be in relatively good spirits. He walks with his hands in his pockets and a hum on his lips while they make their way down the block. It’s nice to see him in such a cheery mood.

When they turn the corner onto their street, Gabriel stops his humming with an excessively loud sigh. “He has another job.”

“Who does?” He glances at him curiously.

“Dean.” Gabriel sighs again and gives Castiel a mixed look. It’s caught between the expression he makes when he’s annoyed, and one he makes when he knows he’s done something wrong. “He can’t take weekend shifts because he has a second job.”

This pleases Castiel to no end. “Oh? You asked him?” Not only was he right, but this is another thing that he has learned about Dean. Two jobs? He must be a hard worker. Or he does it for a very specific reason. It sparks Castiel’s curiosity and he wants to know both why Dean works a second job and what exactly it might be.

“Nah. We’ve barely said two words to each other since the other day.” He huffs and scuffs his heel on the sidewalk. “It’s just him and his brother living in a one bedroom apartment. Dean has a futon in the living room and his bro gets the bedroom so he can study and shit. According to Meg, so according to Dean, he works two jobs to afford all the stuff that they need and so he can keep saving up for his little bro to go to university.”

It’s wrong for Castiel to feel this smug, but he most certainly does. “I told you not to judge him.”

Gabriel’s next huff comes out louder than the last, though it sounds more like a laugh. “Shut up.”

When they’re halfway to the building, Castiel spares a side glance at his brother. “Are you still mad at him for not taking the shift?”

“I’d have to be an asshole for that.” He snorts loudly and shakes his head. “Nah, I’m only pissed about the pie thing now. Besides, I’d be working two jobs to support you in school, and Taekwondo, and whatever else you were into if we were in their position.”

That brings another question to mind and Castiel hopes Gabriel will know the answer to it. “Where are their parents? Dean can’t be much older than you, is he?”

“I’m older than him by a long shot.” Gabriel sighs and plucks at his hair. He’s always so worried that he’s going to have gray hairs before he’s thirty years old. “Lucky bastard. Ah, to be twenty-one again.”

“Five years is hardly a _long shot_.” Castiel smothers a laugh and tries not to smile _too_ much. “And you never answered my first question. Do you know what happened to his parents?”

After another several steps of silence, it becomes apparent that Gabriel doesn’t know. He shrugs and stops in front of their building to fish the keys out of his pocket. “I don’t know, but it doesn’t change that he’s still one hell of a dick.”

“How so?” That is just as confusing to Castiel as anything else. He has been to the café every day in the last week for lunch – except for the weekend – and Dean has never been anything but pleasant to him and the other customers.

Gabriel unlocks the main door and gestures for Castiel to go through first. “Because he flirts like crazy with anyone who comes into the café. It’s annoying.”

Castiel has to choke back an ironic laugh while he checks their mailbox. “I fail to see your point.” Disappointingly, there is nothing but bills and flyers – all in Gabriel’s name, of course. “If I recall correctly, you were quite the flirt as well before you met Kali.”

“Stop doing that.” With a sour look, Gabriel snatches the mail from him and dumps the flyers in the recycling bin tucked away in a corner of their lobby by the mailboxes. “Keep it up and I’m taking back your birthday present.”

That smug feeling is back again and Castiel smiles to himself as he follows Gabriel to the elevators. “I’ll stop it when you stop making snap judgments about people without knowing anything about them. And you can’t take back my present because all you did was take me to dinner and to the old side of town to take pictures of things.” He didn’t want anything for his seventeenth birthday last week. Material things don’t mean much to Castiel when he can easily go buy anything he wants whenever he wants.

Gabriel grunts and side steps into Castiel, knocking him over a step. “Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Once they’re in the elevator, he clears his throat. “Though, I will give it to him that his flirting draws in a _hell_ of a lot of tips from pretty much everyone. I guess that’s good.”

Castiel spends the rest of the ride up to their apartment smiling. He’s pleased with himself and happy with his brother too. This is certainly a change from his morose feelings of the day. Now that he’s managed to at least (hopefully) begin to change Gabriel’s opinion of Dean. If they manage to become civil to one another, perhaps their working relationship will be better and Gabriel won’t come home complaining so much anymore.

On top of that, it’s rather nice to know something new about Dean. He’s seen him every day since the beginning of September and it feels odd to not know anything about him other than his name and his affinity for pie – and that he is apparently a flirt. Even though Dean seems so open and friendly, and chats so easily with the other customers, Castiel can’t barely bring himself to say anything more than his order when it’s his turn at the counter. In front of Dean he gets tongue tied and worried that he might say something he shouldn’t.

But he does appreciate all the different kinds of pies that Dean gives him instead of the actual special. Castiel has paid attention to making sure he knows what the special is and what he actually gets with his meal. He’s also watched others in line and so far no one else is given a slice of pie when they clearly ordered something else. He finds it… Cute. It makes him feel – well, it makes Castiel feel _special_.

Even today he felt a delighted flutter in his belly when he had retrieved his meal from the counter. Dean had given him a cream puff of some kind and it was the one that actually _was_ on special. Castiel thinks he didn’t get pie today because Crowley had been milling about behind him with a clipboard and a checklist. Judging by the way Dean kept looking over his shoulder, Castiel is fairly certain that his assumption is correct.

The cream puff had been sweet and just as delicious as anything else that Gabriel makes, but it just didn't have the same feeling to it as the pie Castiel has become accustomed to over the last several visits. If anything, the cream puff was _too_ sweet – not that he'll ever admit that to Gabriel, or even say that it’s a bad thing, because it certainly isn’t. The cream puff just pales in comparison to the flaky crusts and gooey contents of the pies he’s been sampling.

After Gabriel’s outburst a few weeks ago regarding Dean’s predilection for the pies, Castiel also knows better than to tell him about his own preference for it. Making any mention of it would only serve to upset his brother, and since they live together he would rather not strain the relationship between them – even if it would only be for a short time. In fact, Castiel should also probably stop smiling so much at the moment. If Gabriel learns about how happy he is to learn something new about Dean, he might do something drastic. He doesn’t know _what_ Gabriel would do, but it would likely be ugly and cause a scene somewhere for someone.

When they enter their apartment, Castiel makes the wise decision to keep his mouth firmly closed. He can’t do anything to stop his smile, but Gabriel doesn’t seem to be paying any attention to that – thankfully. Now if only Castiel could close his mind as easily as he does his mouth. Already he’s broken his promise to himself that he wouldn’t go to the café _every_ day. If he’s not careful and he lets his desires to capture beauty on film get out of hand – he might cross a line he doesn’t want to cross.

*

It’s the laughter that catches Castiel’s attention first.

His morning class before lunch had let out early because of some personal reason for the teacher and Castiel managed to reach the café well before anyone else is due to arrive. In fact, if he wasn’t purposefully drawing out eating his meal while he reads, he would probably be able to leave before the usual lunch crowd arrives. Because of that, Castiel is unused to just how _quiet_ the café can be before it gets filled with teenagers.

The ringing laughter that steals his attention from his book is loud in the restaurant. He’s heard it before, but never this clearly and it is _captivating_. Castiel glances up from his book, forcing himself not to stare too much or look up too quickly. Before he realizes what he’s doing, Castiel already has his phone in hand. It’s as though he’s entranced by the sound of that laugh and the sight of it in action. By the time his brain catches up with his actions, Castiel knows it’s already too late to stop. He’s going on every photographic instinct that he has – but at least he’s trying to be subtle about it.

Dean is standing at the counter with one arm folded over the top of the display case and the other fisted against his hip. He’s leaning into the case casually with a wide smile on his face as he laughs at whatever it is Sam said. Because on the other side of the counter is the tall boy who happens to be in at least half of Castiel’s classes this semester. His face is scrunched up with a laugh too and the moment between possible brothers looks so beautifully genuine that he _needs_ to capture it.

To take the picture, Castiel rests his elbows on the table and tries to make it look as though he is simply sending a text message. It doesn’t matter to him that he gets Sam in the picture too. After all, Castiel is fairly convinced that the two of them are brothers. In the few months that he has been coming to the café for lunch, he has seen Sam here several times and always he is talking with Dean. The way they interact reminds him quite a bit of himself and Gabriel. But despite suspicions of their relationship, Castiel can’t bring himself to ask either of them (or Gabriel) about it.

There may be many things about social cues and interacting with people that Castiel doesn’t fully understand, but he is mostly sure that expressing any interest in learning _more_ new things about Dean might make someone think that he has _feelings_ for him. Which would be an entirely incorrect assumption. Castiel might sometimes have the passing thought – or rather, _fantasy_ – about being a professional photographer with Dean as his perfect model, but it is neither a romantic or sexual fantasy.

Though sometimes it does leaves Castiel blushing – if only out of embarrassment for even having fantasies in any sense about a person he barely knows.

He stares at his phone after the picture has been taken, pleased to have forever captured such a beautiful moment between likely brothers. It only takes a moment for that feeling to dry up. Castiel’s smile falls and he quickly tucks his phone away. He picks up his book and stares at the words on the page. A line has been crossed and he shouldn’t have done that. Even just _keeping_ the picture is crossing yet another line and Castiel knows it.

By taking that picture, Castiel has intruded on a moment he was not a part of. Anyone could have caught him in the act and if that had happened he could have been labeled a stalker – or worse. Guilt is a heavy, uncomfortable weight ballooning in his chest and he puts his hand back in his pocket, tracing the edge of his phone. He should delete the picture. Taking it without permission was the wrong thing to do and the situation needs to be rectified.

Castiel pulls his phone out again and unlocks it. With careful fingers, he opens the gallery application and selects the image. The option to delete it appears at the top of the screen and his thumb hovers over it. He needs to delete this, but it’s such a _good_ picture. It has people in it and even though it’s on his inferior phone camera, Castiel is more proud of it than anything he’s captured previously. He can’t bring himself to do it and he puts the phone away again.

But now that he has that heavy mass resting between his ribs and weighing down his pocket, Castiel can’t stay for the rest of the lunch hour. He can’t be in the same room as Dean without thinking about what’s sitting on his phone now. Castiel finishes the remainder of his lunch as quickly as he can and leaves, hopefully not appearing to be in as much of a rush as he feels he is. It’s possible that Dean calls a ‘ _goodbye_ ’ after him, but Castiel can’t be sure. He has to sidestep around a group of students as they arrive and the sudden influx of conversation drowns out everything else.

The picture continues to be a heavy weight on Castiel’s mind as he makes his way back to the school. He does his best to try and forget about it, but even his homework proves to be no distraction for him during the remainder of his lunch hour. It is a bit of a long shot, perhaps, but maybe if he can just get himself to _not_ think about it, then he can pretend that it doesn’t exist. Or, maybe, he can try and rationalize what he did.

Gabriel says that there are plenty of people who take pictures of things every day. And every day, people get caught in those photos. How is this any different? For all anyone knows, Castiel could have been taking a picture of the menu board and the details chalked onto it in fancy script. Or he could have been photographing the cakes in the display – though he was technically on the wrong side of the café for that and wasn’t able to see them from where he was sitting.

In either case, he didn’t take the picture for perverted reasons. Honestly, he might never look at it again. Castiel closes his eyes and clears his mind. The picture is merely a part of his hobby. It was just for fun. He’ll never look or think of it again. Castiel swears it to himself. This is just a _hobby_ and he will _not_ photograph Dean again. He will keep to himself at the café and look at Dean like any normal customer. That is _all_ he will do, that’s it, that’s all.

*

This is outrageous. Castiel sighs at the cover of the book in his hands. _Life of Pi_. He’s more than halfway through his senior year and this book is only being introduced _now_? It’s ridiculous. These students should have read this book _years_ ago, just like Castiel did. Of all the many books he's read, for pleasure and for school, Castiel has reread this one at least a half dozen times, if not more. It has stayed with him more than most of the so called _classics_ forced on him in the school system.

Honestly, Castiel could probably do any assignment and participate in any class discussion without even needing to reread the book now. But it’s just so _good_ that he’ll do it anyways. In fact, he’s already started and is well into the third chapter. He has a lot of reading time available to him now that he takes every single lunch period at the café. It’s not a good location for homework, but he can certainly read in between eating and sneaking the occasional glance at Dean.

Now that it’s early spring of his junior year, it’s been a few months since he took his first and _only_ picture of Dean. Castiel hasn’t looked at it since he uploaded it from his phone to his computer and saved it into the appropriate folders. And just in case Gabriel decided to snoop, Castiel also searched how to password protect his files so there would be no risking it. He doesn’t even want to imagine how Gabriel would react if he found that photo. It’s been bad enough when his brother asks him every other day why he goes to the café instead of taking a lunch like he used to.

Naturally, Castiel has refused to tell him the truth. How exactly could he ever explain to Gabriel – or to anyone, for that matter – about how he likes to spend time at the café because he likes seeing Dean and hearing his voice? How can he explain that he has no interest in Dean beyond wanting to take his picture? How does he explain something that he barely understands himself?

Thus far, Gabriel is placated by having his ego stroked. Castiel’s answer each and every time is that he goes to the café because the food is good – which it is. And insists that he likes to be a patron of his brother’s work place to show that he supports him – which he does. Neither are lies, but they’re most certainly not the whole truth or even an actual part of it. Castiel will take the truth to his grave rather than risk Gabriel finding out. If he knows, then who knows how long it would take to get back to Father? And if Father knew… Well, Castiel dreads to think about it.

He puts thinking of his Father out of his head and walks into the café with the book already opened. After many lunch hours of experimentation, Castiel has found that his desire to take Dean’s picture is dramatically reduced if he doesn’t actually _look_ at him. A few glances stolen throughout his meal is fine, but to look at him when there’s only a counter separating them is enough to flare that photographic instinct. It’s the best for everyone involved.

Castiel has just enough peripheral vision while he’s reading with his head down to know that there is someone standing by the counter and talking with Dean. From the voice and the clothes alone, Castiel knows that it’s Sam. They still rarely interact, but at least Sam is friendly to him when they do share a brief exchange in the hallways or work together in class. And thanks to Gabriel, Castiel is now certain that Sam is Dean’s brother. He has confirmed that Dean’s younger brother has the same name.

The one thing Castiel has yet to figure out is why Gabriel often refers to Sam as ‘ _moose_ ’. His nickname for Dean makes sense, especially in regards to Dean’s apparent penchant for flirting – and Gabriel’s insistence that he was merely hired for his pretty face so that he’ll bring in more money from the high school students. Castiel doesn’t fully believe that would be the only reason. Dean is magnetic and enigmatic. He draws people in with friendly chatter and a nice smile, but Castiel has seen enough to know that Dean shares nothing about himself with the customers. No one ever walks away with more than his name.

It shouldn’t please him to know more about Dean than the majority of the other patrons, but it does.

As Castiel crosses the restaurant to the counter, he catches the very end of Dean’s conversation with his brother. “Move it Sasquatch, I’ve got customers.”

Sam immediately moves to stand in front of the display case, leaving room for Castiel to approach the register. He acknowledges this without ever taking his eyes from his book. The routine they’ve developed requires very little talking on Castiel’s part. Some days he doesn’t even need to say anything at all to make his order.

“Hey. The usual?” Dean asks, sounding as upbeat as he always is and Castiel can hear the smile in his voice even if he can’t see it without looking up at him.

With Sam standing next to him, Castiel can barely find the courage to speak. He drops his money onto the counter and finds his nerves when he holds his hand out again as Dean offers him the change, though it’s more out of politeness than anything else. “Thank you. Inside. For Collins, please.” Just in case Dean might forget – even though he hasn’t forgotten any other particulars about Castiel’s order for a very long time.

As soon as he’s finished speaking, Castiel is aware that Sam is looking at him too. He should know by now that Castiel is a frequent customer here, unless he’s not nearly as observant as he should be. Or maybe he just hadn’t realized that Castiel was the customer beside him? Either way, Castiel is so preoccupied with wondering why Sam is looking at him, that he almost misses what Dean says.

“Same as always.” His smile still colours his words. “I’ll call your name when it’s ready.”

Before he can acknowledge Dean or walk away, Gabriel’s voice rings out through the café and Castiel looks up sharply at it. “Hey, lover boy!”

Dean winces and Castiel is torn between watching him and leaning over to see what Gabriel is doing. Maybe if his brother knows that he’s here, he’ll be less likely to pick a fight with Dean – if that happens to be where this is going. He decides the latter is the better choice and he leans to the side slightly. Gabriel is standing in the window to the kitchen with a plastic bag in his hand and a wide grin on his face. He looks too amused for anything good to be happening.

“The moose’s sandwich is ready.”

“ _Thank_ you, Gabri _elle_.” Dean snaps, retrieving the bag from him with movements that shouldn’t be as sharp as they are. He must not be very fond of the nickname Gabriel has for him, understandably.

With a cheeky grin, Gabriel salutes Dean with two fingers before his attention transfers to Castiel. He doesn’t look surprised or even annoyed to see him there, thankfully. His grin inches wider and he waves hello. Without thinking, Castiel lifts one hand to respond with a wave of his own.

Dean’s smile is a little less easy and his voice is a little tighter when he hands the plastic bag over the counter to Sam. “Here. I’ll see you later.”

“Thanks, Dean!” Sam happily takes the bag. Rather than leaving, he leans into Castiel’s space and gestures at the almost forgotten book in his hands. “Enjoy the teeth.”

Even though Castiel knows exactly what scene he’s talking about – one that has always made his skin crawl – it still confuses him that Sam would be speaking to him. Did he do something to prompt the conversation other than just standing here? Castiel knows that after lunch they have the same AP English class together – which is what the book is for – but he hadn’t realized that Sam might have already read it. He is left at a loss for words and can only stare as Sam waves goodbye to Dean and leaves the café, squeezing out the door around a group of students.

“Sorry about him.” Dean bursts out in a rush and Castiel turns back to him in surprise, wondering what it is exactly that he’s apologizing for. All Sam did was speak to him a little bit. “He might be borderline genius, but Sam’s kind of a dumbass.”

Castiel can think of nothing to say. There was no need for an apology. After a moment of silence, he nods and turns away to get to his table before someone else can take it. Even with his book open before him, Castiel isn’t reading it. He stares at the words and tries to work out what exactly just happened. It’s fairly simple if he looks at it from the view of an outsider, but he can’t place why he feels – Actually, what does he feel? Confused? That sounds like a good word.

When Meg calls for him to get his order, Castiel starts in surprise. He had almost forgotten about his food. Dean is too busy with taking orders and smiling at the students to hand it out. There’s something off about his smile now. It doesn’t feel as genuine as it was when Castiel walked through the door. It worries him, but Castiel still does his best to put it out of his head once he sits down. If he focuses too much on questioning the reasons behind the things Dean does, then Castiel’s desires to photograph him or learn more about him will only get worse.

He’s gotten better at focusing entirely on reading while he eats. Sometimes he can stay distracted enough that he doesn’t even look up to sneak a glance at Dean throughout the entirety of his lunch hour. Today is, thankfully, one of those days. It likely helps that Castiel is reading one of his favourite books. The story captivates him immediately the moment he starts reading and he only remembers to eat by functioning on autopilot.

Everything, even Dean’s voice and laughter, merge into one buzzing stream of sound in the background. Castiel’s attention is _completely_ on the book, captivated by Piscine Molitor Patel’s story. He eats until there’s nothing left on his plate and no water in his bottle. Technically, he should leave when his dishes are empty instead of continuing to take up a table, but the absence of his food goes unnoticed. Nothing else matters when he’s perfectly enraptured by the story in his hands.

Because of that, Castiel sometimes loses track of certain things. His surroundings being one, and the time being another. He doesn’t even realize that all the other students have returned to the school, aside from the few that have a free period following lunch hour. Everything has gone quiet around him and Castiel doesn’t pay it attention in the slightest. In fact, he doesn’t even notice that someone is standing next to him until they clear their throat and speak.

“Hey, you finished eating? Want me to take those for you?”

Castiel looks up sharply. It takes a moment for him to remove himself from the story and come back to the real world. When he does, he finds _Dean_ standing beside him. He’s looking down at Castiel with an amused and all too bright smile that has his heart leaping to his throat. When did Dean get here? What did he just ask?

He knows Dean said words and it takes Castiel another moment to remember what they were. Dishes. Dirty plates. Right. Castiel has words and he should use them. “I – yes. I’m done. Thank you.” He sits back a little more in his chair to hold his book out of the way so Dean can take them.

Dean’s smile grows and he puts a tray already stacked tall with other plates on the table. “Don’t mention it.” He adds Castiel’s dishes to the pile before he carefully slides the tray underneath the others. When he’s done, Dean glances at his watch and looks back to Castiel. “Don’t you usually have a class by now?”

Why would he ask that? What time is it? Castiel frowns and pulls back his sleeve to look at his own watch. Class started five minutes ago and Mr. Adler is not particularly forgiving with tardiness. If Castiel takes any longer, he might not even let him into class. This could get back to Father and nothing good will follow that.

Without another word, Castiel is on his feet and scrambling to get his bag from under the table. He likes to keep it by his feet and out of the way to make sure that no one can get to it without him knowing. Castiel barely remembers to thank Dean as he pulls the strap over his head and shoves his book into the outside pocket of his bag before he’s running out of the café. Thankfully, Castiel is not only an experienced runner thanks to all the warm up laps he does for Taekwondo, but he’s also very fast when he wants to be.

In no time at all, he’s slipping through the door and wincing when Mr. Adler stops speaking. He was in the middle of his long winded speech about what they would be discussing in class today. “I see you’ve decided to join us, Mr. Collins.”

He ducks his head and stops just inside the doorway. “My apologies, sir. I lost track of the time while I was reading our current book.”

Some of the students groan and a few start whispering. Castiel doesn’t care. He was raised to be respectful and proper to teachers and to speak the truth. Lying would get him nowhere – and he couldn’t think of a convincing one on his run back to the school. Hopefully his reputation with the teachers will ease any punishment Mr. Adler plans to give him.

“Take your seat, Mr. Collins and next time set an alarm.” He gestures sharply toward one of the few empty seats in the room. “I don’t expect this to happen again.”

“It won’t, sir, thank you.” Castiel ignores the other students and quickly makes his way to the only seat that is available at the very back of the class. He prefers it in the back where people are less likely to be able to throw things at the back of his head. It’s happened before and he doesn’t like it.

With no time to stop at his locker and fight with the combination lock, Castiel has to fold his coat over the back of the chair before he sits down. He gets his binder out of his bag and a pen, setting them up on his desk as quickly and quietly as he can while Mr. Adler gets right back into what he was saying before Castiel got here.

He talks at length about a handout they’ll be working on this class and the questions that will be on it regarding the first chapter they were supposed to read last night. The sheet will be due at the end of class. It’s a speech that should have taken seconds to make, but Mr. Alder truly does love hearing his own voice and it takes several minutes instead.

Finally, he comes to an end and Castiel breathes a sigh of relief. “And you will need your books to answer this.” Mr. Adler announces as he starts handing the papers out to the people at the front of the class for them to pass back. “I expect proper quotes, including page and paragraph number. If you were moronic enough not to bring the book to class, find someone willing to share with you or you’ll receive a failed mark on this assignment. I will not let you go and get it from your locker.”

Immediately, everyone who doesn’t already have the book out reaches for their bags or looks around for a friend. Castiel usually keeps his book in the pocket of his coat and he reaches for that first. A moment later, he remembers putting it in his bag when he was leaving the café. He leans over to pull his bag up into his lap to get it, but is surprised to find it not in the pocket he’s sure he put it in. After an extensive search of his bag, Castiel is loathe to admit that it’s not there.

Where did he lose it? _This_ is why he hates putting anything in the outside pocket of his bag without zipping it closed afterward. Did it fall out at the café, or did it fall out while he was running? Is it on the street or is it somewhere in the school? As horrible an occurrence as this is, at least he didn’t lose school property. The book is his own, but it’s a pain to realize that he’s lost it.

Maybe he just didn’t look hard enough? Castiel continues rifling through the few items still in his bag in some desperate attempt to find the book. In a worst case scenario, he’ll have to ask someone to let him use their book. His best bet would be to ask Sam. He’s been the nicest to him in this class thus far and Castiel would probably be most comfortable asking him. But Mr. Adler would undoubtedly notice and he might berate Castiel in front of the class again.

He needs to focus and build up the courage to be able to get up and ask Sam. But he’s also several seats away and Mr. Adler might not like it if Castiel asks someone who isn’tsitting right beside him. His heart sinks. This had been such a good day and now it’s turned out terribly. If Castiel doesn’t get that book, he’ll get his first failing mark since – well, since _ever_. He knows the book, but he doesn’t know it well enough to quote it to Mr. Adler’s specifications.

Someone knocks on the door frame, but Castiel is wallowing too much in his own misery to bother looking up. Even when the class falls silent in an awed hush, he doesn’t care. But what _does_ catch his attention and makes him freeze in place is what Mr. Adler says.

“Dean Winchester. What a surprise. To what do we owe the pleasure?”

Castiel hugs his bag to his chest. He’s scared to look. Is it Dean from the café or is it another Dean he doesn’t know? If it _is_ Dean, why is he here? If it is him, Castiel knows he’s going to pleased (when he shouldn’t be) just for learning that _Winchester_ is Dean’s last name. Really, though, that wouldn’t have been too hard to look up. If he _really_ wanted to know, he could have easily found that information from any number of his teachers since Sam is his brother. But Castiel tries not to actively search for anything new about Dean. If he learns anything, it needs to be by accident, otherwise it leaves him feeling guilty for trying to get to know someone without being their friend.

“Dean?” Sam says softly, but in the silence of the classroom it’s more than loud enough to be heard. And it completely dashes Castiel’s hopes that the person at the door _isn’t_ the Dean he knows.

“Hi, Mr. A.” That all too familiar voice sounds slightly confused. “Hey, Sammy. I, uh, just came to drop this off. Collins dropped it at the café.”

How is it possible for Castiel’s heart to both soar and feel like it’s collapsing under the weight of his ribs? He stays hunched over, frozen in his seat when he feels the eyes of the rest of his classmates turn towards him. Castiel hates having everyone’s attention on him. He doesn’t even like it when he’s at Taekwondo and needs to do any kind of demonstration. Is this some kind of nightmare? Did he fall asleep in the café and he’s just having some kind of waking dream at the moment? That would explain so many things if it was.

“How fortuitous. Mr. Collins, are you missing something, perhaps?” Mr. Adler’s tone is sharp and full of just how much he disapproves of the class being interrupted _again_.

Slowly, Castiel lifts his head and looks towards the door. Anyone turned to face him turns back around to look at Dean. He carefully puts his bag back down on the floor as Dean smiles. There’s something wrong with it now that there wasn’t earlier. His smile doesn’t quite reach his eyes like it usually does. Castiel can’t put his finger on it, but he doesn’t like seeing it there. The wrong smile does nothing to stop Dean from lifting the book and wiggling it at him, his eyebrows wiggling up and down along with it.

Heat burns in Castiel’s cheeks, embarrassed at how he’s been staring. Dean was nice enough to bring the book to him – though for the life of him he doesn’t know how he could have possibly known which classroom to take it to. No, of course it was because of Sam. They’re reading the same book, after all. Dean likely knows where Sam’s classes. That must be the reason. Why else would Mr. Adler know Dean if he didn’t already know him through Sam? Unless… It could be possible that Dean attended this high school before he graduated too.

Castiel’s thoughts are stalling him. He shouldn’t expect Dean to bring the book to him. Dean already brought it all the way to the school. The least Castiel can do is go to the door to get it from him. His nerves have hit an all-time high and his limbs feel jittery. He’s not watching what he’s doing and his foot catches on the strap of his bag when he stands up. It nearly sends him crashing into another desk. Thankfully, Castiel just barely manages to stay on his feet and he mumbles an apology as he makes his way up the aisle.

Dean continues smiling at him and is gracious enough to meet Castiel at the head of the classroom. It’s impossible to meet Dean’s eyes as he takes the book back. “Thank you.”

“No problem. Sorry if it’s a little scuffed.” He does sound apologetic, but Castiel can’t bring himself to look up before quickly returning to his seat.

“Sorry for interrupting, Mr. A.” Dean continues, and only when he’s seated again does Castiel dare to glance up again to find that Dean is at the door now. “Have fun guys.” He waves and ducks out before anyone can say anything.

Mr. Adler waits a moment before he clears his throat loudly and looks pointedly at Castiel. “I trust there won’t be any more interruptions this class, Mr. Collins.”

“No sir.” He ducks his head again and opens his book to the very beginning.

There’s work to be done and it’s due at the end of the class. That leaves just enough time for him to be able to answer everything. He already knows the book inside and out, and can likely easily answer everything without even needing to look at it. Really, he only needs his book for the quotations Mr. Adler is expecting them to give.

Thank the stars for this assignment. If he didn’t have it to focus on, Castiel would never be able to concentrate on this class. His mind would be locked up with wondering about Dean’s smile and why it looked wrong. He would be trapped in an endless cycle of worrying about him, and that would only cause all manner of problems.

How many more times must he tell himself that he absolutely should not get more interested in Dean? Age difference aside, what reason would Dean have to be friends with him? What would they even talk about? Castiel doesn’t feel as though he has anything of interest to tell anyone. What would anyone even find interesting? Would Dean care that Castiel takes Taekwondo? Or likes photography? Or – or what? Castiel doesn’t do anything else.

And that just proves Castiel’s point. If he allows himself to think of Dean, he gets distracted. It’s a curse. With every ounce of his will power, Castiel puts everything that just happened out of his head. He has work to do and parents to make proud.

*

Since Castiel is much further ahead in the book than the classroom assignment required, he had only looked at the first chapter during class. The rest of his day had been too busy to allow him the chance to read. After school he had homework and a Taekwondo class to attend and dinner with Gabriel. It’s not until his day is over and he’s in bed, ready to read another chapter before sleeping, that he actually opens the book to the page with his bookmark is clipped.

Up until that moment, Castiel had no idea that there was a note tucked under the bookmark. It stares at him, the stark white of the paper standing out against the darker shade of the book pages. He stares at it for a long moment, trying to remember when he put that there. Nothing jumps up in his memory and Castiel briefly wonders if someone else did it. But that can’t be right, no one but him has had possession of this book since he put the bookmark there during lunch.

Castiel sits up sharply. That’s not true. _Dean_ had the book. Did he – is this a note from him? Carefully, he frees the note from the clip of the page marker and lets the book fall into his lap. He can’t decide if he should be excited or confused as he folds it open to read. His heart makes the decision for him as it skips a beat before it starts thundering in his ears. There is a _phone number_ written on the note. The number is unfamiliar, as is the handwriting, but the name just above it is incredibly familiar to him.

 _Dean_.

His mind can’t even move beyond those few letters to start going through the wave of questions this one little slip of paper is inspiring. Castiel’s world has come to a sudden and confusing stop because of this simple string of ten digits. The ability to understand and function has left him and there is only one thing Castiel knows right now.

_Dean Winchester just gave him his phone number._


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He resists the urge to throw something. The only something he has is his phone and breaking it would hinder the rest of this conversation – if it can even be called that. Is Dean playing some kind of joke on him? What is going on? Why isn’t he – This is driving Castiel crazy and he starts chewing on his bottom lip for a lack of anything better to do as he types out his next message.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **There are no warnings for this chapter**
> 
> This chapter takes place _during_ [Chapter One](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3739232) of the _A Little Patience_ storyline.

Castiel did not sleep well last night. He had tried his best, but it just didn’t work very well in his favour. After he had spent an overly long period of time staring at Dean’s phone number, unsure of what was expected of him now that he has it, he had shoved it back into the book and hidden that away in his school bag. Once that was placed on the other side of the room and well out of reach, Castiel had turned off the lights and pulled the blanket over his head. It was a little ridiculous to actually _hide_ from that small piece of paper, but Castiel could think of nothing else to do.

There was only one question running through his head. Why? What could have possibly prompted Dean into giving him his phone number? There must be a reason for it. Castiel honestly can’t understand it. They’ve barely spoken to each other in the months that he’s been spending his lunch hours at the café. Even when they do, they only ever exchanged a handful of words at a time and Castiel hasn’t even told Dean his first name. What could he have done to make Dean give this to him? He’s younger than Dean by – by how much again?

Dean is younger than Gabriel by five years, but when is his birthday? He could be twenty-two now if he has a birthday earlier in the month. Which means he is _at least_ four years older than Castiel. But does that matter? Should it matter? Despite being several years younger than Gabriel, they get along together just fine both as brothers and as friends. Age shouldn’t matter with friendship, should it?

This whole situation is hard for Castiel understand and nothing is any clearer by the time that morning finally comes. It doesn’t help that his thoughts kept returning to the same question over and over again: _Why was Dean’s phone number in his book_?

All through the night the questions continued to assault his mind. They kept him awake ages longer than they should have and it took him far too long to fall asleep. When his alarm rings in the morning, Castiel doesn’t even feel remotely rested. He drags himself from under the protective safety of his blanket to slip across the hall into the bathroom. It is a blessing that Gabriel has already left for the day. If he even so much as caught a glance of the sleepless bags under Castiel’s eyes, Gabriel would have barraged him with even _more_ questions – and Castiel is thoroughly sick of _questions_.

He spends the absolute maximum amount of time available to him to stand in the shower under the hot spray of water, hoping that it will help to wash away his confusion. Castiel angles the shower head as far downward as it will go so he can stand directly under it with his forehead resting against the cool tiles. The steady drum of hot water on his shoulders helps to clear Castiel’s mind a little while he stares down at the floor between his feet.

After the shower, it’s slightly easier to think. Castiel is still confused, but the water did help him to relax. Without his thoughts clouded, he can sit back and look at the situation from a new angle again. It’s possible that the only reason he is having so much trouble understanding why Dean gave him his phone number is because no one has given him one before. There are very few numbers in Castiel’s phone that aren’t members of his family. It’s only out of prudence that he keeps his school’s phone number and the café’s number in his contacts. The same can be said for his doctor’s number too.

But his phone is devoid of numbers that belong to anyone who attends his school. People know him better this year and they are somewhat nicer than they were in his sophomore year, but Castiel still wouldn’t say that anyone is his _friend_. He wouldn’t even count Sam and Jess as his friends. They were never outright mean to him, just as no one else has outright bullied him. He’s been teased once or twice, and bothered in class by other bored students, but who hasn’t been at one point or another?

Despite that, no one has ever invited Castiel to hang out with them. No one has sat down with him during study period or lunch hour. No one has ever even tried to make the effort to get to know him better. Castiel is just as much at fault for that as anyone else too. He hasn’t made any attempts to get to know _them_ better either.

Honestly, the closest people to _friends_ that Castiel has in his phone would be the Masters from his dojang. Though they should hardly count. He merely has their numbers because he helps out in classes and they contact him every once in a while to ask if he can come in earlier than usual to help set up on some nights. They’re all much older than him and he’s too young to be invited to any of the things that they do following classes or after competitions.

By giving Castiel his phone number, Dean has forced him into a territory that is completely foreign to him. It’s leaving him at a loss for what to do in response. Should he send Dean a message? Should he call him? Should he return the slip of paper to him at lunch today and explain that he doesn’t understand why it was given to him? But if he did that, he might not be able to get an answer then. Dean would be in the middle of working through the busy lunch hour and he couldn’t possibly be expected to take a break and explain to his intentions.

Perhaps – maybe would it be easier if he asked Gabriel about this?

Castiel pauses in doing up his shirt to stop all further contemplation on that matter. No, that would be an extremely bad idea. Not only has Gabriel already left for work, but his relationship with Dean is quite strained as is. He could never ask him about something like this. It would just make things harder at the café for both everyone. Despite his own previous flirtatious ways, Gabriel is annoyed at Dean for that and a variety of other things. It may be hypocritical of him, but Gabriel has also never told the whole truth about _why_ he has such a problem with Dean.

Once he’s done getting dressed, Castiel makes sure that his school bag is properly packed. He pointedly ignores the book. If he said anything to Gabriel about how Dean gave him his phone number, Castiel wouldn’t be surprised if his brother got arrested for attempted (or successful) murder. He has always been rather protective of Castiel, which is why he was so eager to allow him to move in with him. But as nice as that is, that protectiveness might not be the best of things in this particular situation.

The last thing Castiel wants to do is ruin anyone’s day by sharing this information with them. It would be best that he just not make mention of it to anyone until he is able to determine some kind of plan. At this point, it might even be better for everyone that he just pretends this never happened. Dean gave him his number directly after lunch. If he hasn’t received a message about it by now, would he still be expecting to get one?

Castiel’s thoughts are still circling around all the many questions as he forces himself to eat the breakfast sandwich Gabriel left for him and follows it up with a glass of milk. He does his best to put everything out of his head once he starts his walk to school but the questions still linger at the back of his mind throughout the rest of his morning. Every time he puts his hand into his bag and his fingers brush the book, he is reminded of the paper hiding between its pages.

Thankfully, that doesn’t happen _too_ often. All his textbooks his teachers provide are kept in his locker and only the ones he needs come home with him. He gets the others between classes, but he only carries one binder at school. Castiel keeps all of his most current assignments in the same binder and separates them by class with page dividers. He only ever sorts the assignments out into their proper class binders at home when the class has moved on to the next subject. It saves him time and he has less things to worry about during school hours – like changing binders or carrying more than one.

That’s why he doesn’t need a giant backpack. A satchel bag big enough for one binder and a little more is all he needs. He doesn’t keep much in it aside from that and whatever he happens to be currently reading. But now Dean’s number is in that book and he can’t bring himself to touch it. Which means it sits in his bag all morning and every time Castiel sees it, he is forced to think about the piece of paper and the number written on it. When that happens, his questions pick up exactly where they left off.

It doesn’t matter if Dean was or wasn’t expecting a message yesterday. No matter what, Castiel has no idea of what it is exactly that he was supposed to respond with. And if he did send Dean a message, what would it lead to? If it _did_ lead to something, whatever that may be, would that be the reason for why Dean gave him the number in the first place?

There are too many questions that continue to repeat themselves through Castiel’s head all through the morning. It’s not enough to distract him from his studies, but they don’t exactly _help_. He finds them to be enough of a bother that it actually has Castiel thinking about skipping the café for lunch. Going home for leftovers in the fridge would be easier to deal with than having to face Dean without knowing what to do or say about something as simple as a _phone number_.

But what if doing that insulted Dean? What if he started thinking that Castiel was purposefully avoiding him? That may technically be the truth, but the last thing Castiel wants is to hurt Dean’s feelings. He just – he’s confused and worried that he might somehow mess up what little of a relationship they have as server and patron. Castiel doesn’t want to lose this bright point in his day. Seeing Dean smile at the café is the highlight of every weekday and Castiel often misses seeing it on the weekends. Even though his itching desire to photograph Dean is sometimes a nuisance, he still doesn’t want to lose it.

That could be the entire reason why, come lunch hour, Castiel finds his feet carrying him toward the café. Even with the small breakfast he had, he doesn’t feel all thathungry, but he’s just hungry _enough_. Dean has been very professional with Castiel since the first day they met. There’s nothing saying that he won’t be just as well behaved today. And, if he manages to gather enough courage before he reaches the counter, Castiel might be able to get out at least one of the many questions that he has.

If it came to that, Castiel thinks he might choose to ask what Dean is looking for with giving him his number. Does he want to be friends or did he give it because he’s looking for more from Castiel than that? Gabriel says Dean flirts with everyone – man or woman, it doesn’t matter. Is Dean hitting on him by giving him his number? That seems the most logical reason, but Castiel wants to be _sure_. He needs confirmation before he can decide how to react. Until then, he will always remain curious and more than a little confused.

Has he ever shown Dean that he’s interested in – well – in whatever it is that Dean is after? Castiel finds him beautiful, of course, but he knows almost nothing about him. How can he have feelings or any form of attraction to someone he doesn’t know intimately? It feels impossible. If he’s going to have a relationship with anyone, he’d rather be friends with them first. That’s the only way he can be sure that they would not only get along, but his partner would be someone that he would be willing to have anything _long term_ with.

Castiel’s answer might disappoint Dean, if that is the case, but there is the chance that this might lead to friendship. If Castiel is careful with how he answers, he might actually be able to make a friend out of this. That would be nice. He would like to have an actual _friend_. Maybe Dean will be as nice outside of the café as he is when he’s working. Though he might only be that nice to Castiel because he is a steadfast customer of the establishment.

No. He needs to ask. Castiel can’t stand having the rest of his day be this distracting. How could he put up with having this hang over his head for any longer? It’s simple. He can’t. This needs to get dealt with _now_ or Castiel won’t be able to focus properly. This is the last semester of his senior year and he can’t waste his time worrying about this. Father would have his head if he ever told him his marks dropped because he was busy worrying about such silly things as _relationships_.

When he reaches the café, Castiel hesitates at the door. The sunlight is glaring off the glass and he can’t quite see inside, but he knows that Dean is in there. He might be waiting for his answer and Castiel steels himself before pulling the door open. His nerves are making him feel jittery. When was the last time he ever felt _nervous_ about walking into the café? Castiel is fairly certain that there has never been such a moment.

He shouldn’t be this nervous, but he is and it is very unsettling. The very fact that Castiel is nervous in the first place is raising just as many questions as the phone number in his book. Being this nervous just over having to talk to someone is disconcerting. Castiel can only remember being like this when he had to talk to his _father_. He has no issues with approaching people he doesn’t know to speak to them. Gabriel has told him that his frank attitude can sometimes be off putting – not that he understands why. If only he could be that frank now. It would make things so much _easier_.

This is the first time that so many things have not only made Castiel hesitant to act, but have truly caught him off guard. And the moment he walks into the café, he is once again unprepared for what he finds. Everything looks completely the same except for one glaringly obvious problem. While Castiel is mostly prepared for an actual conversation, Dean apparently is _not_ since he is clearly not standing behind the counter.

From the hairstyle, Castiel thinks that the person standing in Dean’s place must be Ash. He has never met him face to face, but Gabriel has talked about him quite a bit. According to him, Ash is the one responsible for keeping the kitchen and the dishes clean. Gabriel is also adamant in insisting that Ash is either high or drunk at all hours of the day though he never has any proof beyond Ash’s ability to hum through every minute of his whole shift.

When Castiel approaches the counter, Meg shoves Ash out of the way. He seems perfectly content with manning the coffee station and makes no comment about it. Meg, however, looks more than pleased. “Hello handsome!” Her smile is bright if not a little sly as she leans against the counter. “What can I get for you today?”

It feels odd to be asked that. Castiel has gotten so used to Dean already knowing what he wants that he momentarily forgets what he usually gets. He quickly places his order in as few words as possible and retreats to his table with his bottle of water. Worry is pulsing so tightly behind Castiel’s ribs that he’s honestly not sure if he’ll be able to eat any part of his lunch.

Did something happen to Dean? Where is he? Why isn’t he working the cash register? He _always_ works the counter. In the months that Castiel has been coming here, Dean has never missed a day of work. Dean has always been at the counter, ready and waiting with a smile to take Castiel’s order. This disruption to his daily habits – his schedule, his ritual, his _pattern_ – is more unsettling than anything else at this particular moment.

Without thinking, Castiel pulls his book from his bag. Normally he would start reading right away, but reading is the farthest thing from his mind at the moment. Castiel puts his book aside once he retrieves the slip of paper. He doesn’t think twice about what he’s doing when he takes out his phone and types Dean’s number into his texting app. He gives the same amount of thought – or lack thereof – as he types out a quick message and hits send.

**_Where are you?_ **

While he waits for an answer, Castiel should probably read. But he’s too concerned for anything like that. All he can do is stare at the phone in his hands and wait for something – for _anything_. Dean doesn’t even know his number, so he might not actually answer a message from someone he doesn’t know. But Castiel can still hope. He can cross his fingers and wait – he just wishes that he didn’t have to do that without knowing just how long it is that he’ll be waiting for.

Thankfully, it’s not more than another fifteen minutes. Castiel has his food in front of him by the time his phone beeps, signaling it received a message. He snatches it up and reads the message quickly, disappointed to find that it is only one word.

**_Work_** **.**

Really? Castiel glances back to the counter, but Meg is still the one taking orders and Ash is still the one calling out the orders that are ready while making and handing out drinks. Dean is nowhere in sight. Is he lying to him? He’s afraid to ask if it’s because he didn’t contact Dean yesterday when he gave him the number. At this point, Castiel doesn’t even know if Dean knows his first name or that the messages are coming from him.

He frowns down at his phone and types out another message. **_Why aren’t you working the counter?_**

This time, Castiel barely has to wait for a response at all. It comes almost immediately. **_Dish duty can’t talk lunch @ 130 ok to text then?_**

Once again, Castiel is left with a lingering feeling of disappointment mixed with worry. Why is Dean doing Ash’s work? And one-thirty is so far away. Castiel checks the time before he takes the first bite of his sandwich. It’s cold now, but he doesn’t care. There are nearly two hours between now and when Dean will be available to talk. By then his courage might have evaporated completely – not to mention that he’ll be in class at that point. How is he supposed to be able to text with Dean about this when he’s supposed to be listening to the teacher?

What class does he have next? Ah, right. It’s only Math. He’s fairly certain that he’s well ahead of the class in their current content. Castiel should be fine with taking a short break in the bathroom to have this conversation. Father would ship him right back to boarding school if he ever learned of this, so Castiel will just need to be quick about it. Until then, he’ll just have to put his worries on hold – as difficult as that might be.

It’s not particularly the answer that he wants to give, but what can he do? Castiel isn’t nearly selfish enough to draw Dean away from his own work just for this conversation. This is one of the busiest times of the day for the café. By slacking on his duties, Dean would be putting his job at risk. That’s not fair to him or Sam.

While he eats, Castiel doesn’t take his eyes off the phone. Halfway through his sandwich, he realizes that Dean’s number isn’t saved under a name. It’s just a string of digits at the top of the screen. That doesn’t feel right and he takes a brief moment to correct it. Once it shows _DEAN_ , Castiel realizes that Dean’s phone wouldn’t be saying much different. Unless Gabriel gave Dean his number at some point (unlikely) then it’s entirely possible that Dean _still_ doesn’t know who was texting him just now.

He rectifies the situation immediately. **_In case you were wondering… This is Castiel_.**

There. That should be settled now. Castiel puts his phone down and picks up his book, fully intent on reading while he forces himself through the rest of his meal. Gabriel will lecture him if he doesn’t eat enough throughout the day. But this time he only manages to make it halfway through his salad and through a half dozen pages before he puts both his fork and his book down.

Just because Dean can’t answer at the moment doesn’t mean that Castiel should abandon his courage now. He can still ask his most important question and hopefully get his answers first thing when Dean has the chance. If he waits, he might not have the nerve to leave class to have this conversation. Right now, Castiel _wants_ to talk to Dean. And that’s something he should capitalize on.

**_Why did you give me your phone number?_ **

Now that the question is out there, just waiting to be answered, Castiel finds it easier to relax. For the first time since he woke up this morning, he feels the tight muscles in his shoulders unwind and he settles back in his chair with a sigh. He did it. Dean will get the question the next time he looks at his phone and they’re going to be able to talk about this and then Castiel will _finally_ have his answers. That is all that matters, even if it doesn’t lead to anything.

With another sigh, Castiel pulls his dessert over. It’s the actual special of the day and as he bites into the chocolate torte he tries not to think about how he misses the tang of apple pie.

*

By the time one-forty rolls around, Castiel’s phone has yet to vibrate against his thigh. Dean was supposed to have gone on his lunch break a whole _ten minutes_ ago. Why hasn’t he answered yet? Did something happen? Did he forget? Has he just not checked his phone yet? Maybe he’s eating? It’s hard to concentrate on the worksheets they were given at the start of class when he keeps looking at the time and wondering when Dean is going to respond.

Ten minutes is plenty of leeway to give and his patience breaks at that point. He tucks his phone into his pocket and writes a quick note. Castiel heads to the teacher’s desk in the corner of the room, trying not to draw attention to himself. Some students look up, but the majority of them are busy doing the class work. Some of the questions need to be finished by the end of the class and shown to the teacher, but the rest is for homework. Despite his issues with concentration, Castiel has finished more than half the sheet already. He can afford to leave the classroom for a few minutes.

The note he hands to the teacher is a little rushed, but it gets his point across. She barely looks at it before nodding and handing him a hall pass. Castiel breathes a soft sigh of relief after he leaves the classroom. It’s the first time that he has ever outright lied to a teacher. His note had mentioned that his lunch wasn’t agreeing with him and he was afraid that she might question it too much. If he had been caught in his lie, he’s not sure what he would have done. His good reputation with all his teachers must have helped him in being excused so readily.

Being away from his desk during class time leaves an uncomfortable pit at the bottom of Castiel’s stomach. He wants to get this over with as quickly as possible so he can return to work and forget about this whole mess. It technically isn’t really a _mess_ , but it’s enough of an annoyance to disrupt the rhythm in which he lives his life. And that is completely ignoring the fact that Castiel is now actually _worried_ about why Dean wasn’t working the counter and why he hasn’t answered.

If there is any good that has come of this, it’s that Castiel now understands why many of his peers can – and often are – distracted in class. He’s not completely certain that this would be considered ‘ _drama_ ’, but he does hear many people talk about how it happens between their friends regarding friction between relationships of both the platonic and romantic. It’s not something Castiel has had the chance to experience himself, but he does feel like this is as close to it as he might ever get.

Once he’s settled in a bathroom stall, sitting on the toilet tank with his feet on the seat, Castiel pulls his phone out again. The latch on the door is closed and hopefully no one will wonder why there are no feet visible underneath it. He would rather not sit on the toilet seat with his pants still up.

 ** _Are you on lunch yet?_** The first message Castiel sends seems too forward and rather pushy, but he finds it necessary. Dean said they could talk when he went on lunch practically fifteen minutes ago and there was a question waiting for him. It’s rather rude that he hasn’t answered yet.

He stares at the screen on his phone until it lights up not more than a few moments later with an answer. **_Yeah sorry was eating_**

The wave of relief Castiel feels is larger than it has any right being. He ignores it and responds immediately. Who knows how long he has before the teacher sends someone to check on him? **_Did you get my other messages?_**

Dean is apparently much faster at answering messages when he’s not working. **_Yeah_**

Castiel frowns when there doesn’t appear to be any elaboration forthcoming. Does he really need to prompt for more of an answer? Dean is the one who gave him his phone number. Why isn’t he explaining himself or at least _talking_? **_Well?_**

**_Well what?_ **

He resists the urge to throw something. The only something he has is his phone and breaking it would hinder the rest of this conversation – if it can even be called that. Is Dean playing some kind of joke on him? What is going on? Why isn’t he – This is driving Castiel crazing and he starts chewing on his bottom lip for a lack of anything better today as he types out his next message.

**_I asked a question. Why did you give me your phone number? You specifically tucked it under the bookmark so it clearly wasn’t unintentional._ **

He had to have known exactly what he was doing. So _why_ did he do it? Hopefully Castiel will have an answer to that particular question soon.

At the sound of the bathroom door, he goes still. Castiel barely breathes at the footsteps of another student – or is it a teacher? It could be either, really. The teachers have their own bathrooms, but they can use this one if they want to. Whoever it is doesn’t go any farther than the urinals and Castiel relaxes at the sound of them relieving themselves. He gets distracted from anything else by another incoming message from Dean.

**_Figure its pretty obvious cas_ **

The poor grammar aside, Castiel can’t help staring at the message. Obvious. If it was obvious, Castiel wouldn’t have been driving himself mad half the day with thinking about this. He covers his face with his hands and tries thinking a little more on the subject. What would Gabriel think if he were in this position? _That_ is obvious. He would think that Dean was flirting with him. Isn’t that what people are technically doing when they give their number to someone they don’t know? That feels like the best assumption to him.

But why would Dean give him his number and then sound so – what would be the best word? Cold? Uninterested? Yes, that works. Why would he sound so _uninterested_ now that Castiel isactually texting with him? It’s possible that he didn’t know who Castiel was at the time. When he returned the book yesterday, he hadn’t seemed as perky as he had been during lunch just a few minutes before. If he had to pick an emotion, he would almost be willing to say that Dean looked _disappointed_ – though Castiel is notoriously wrong at judging expressions some of the time.

Is it possible that Dean didn’t know that Castiel was in the same class as Sam? But how could that cause disappointment? Maybe he really is wrong on that front and Dean wasn’t disappointed. Could he have been embarrassed to find out that Castiel shared a class with his brother? Maybe he was only going to drop the book off with Mr. Adler and he wasn’t aware that Castiel would be there? That makes the most sense for him, even though he can’t figure out what would be embarrassing about that.

Castiel takes a leap and hopes that he’s at least _close_ to being right. **_You didn’t know I was in your brother’s class, did you?_**

The bathroom sink runs for a moment and Castiel listens as the other person washes their hands and leaves. After the door swings closed, the silence in the bathroom is nearly deafening. Castiel wishes he had brought the earbuds that he keeps in his bag as a last resource if he needs to block things out. He could listen to some music while he’s waiting for Dean’s answer.

It doesn’t take nearly as long as he thought it might. **_I kinda thought u were his teacher_**

There is no other answer that Castiel can think to send except for; **_Oh._**

This is the first time that he’s ever been mistaken for a _teacher_ , though it’s not the first that people have thought him to be older. He may only be seventeen, but he certainly doesn’t look his age. That would be thanks to his Taekwondo training, good genetics, and especially if he doesn’t shave in the morning. Well then. If Dean did think he was older, than he most likely really _was_ hitting on him. Castiel wishes that resolved the matter, but all it’s done is open up _new_ questions.

Does that mean that Dean is gay? No, he would be bisexual at the least. Gabriel’s numerous complaints detail multiple times where Dean has flirted with girls. Granted, flirting doesn’t exactly translate directly to meaning that he’s interested in them. Hasn’t Gabriel warned him from not being drawn in by flirty sales persons? They wield flirting as a lure even though they have no interest. They’re only trying to sell something. But of course that’s not what Dean is doing now, right?

What does it matter? Castiel’s interest in Dean ends with his photography hobby. Anything else is just mild curiosity about someone his brother is more familiar with. He isn’t interested in Dean beyond that. Besides, it’s already weird enough that he wants to take Dean’s picture. Castiel has tried to keep a firm grip on any other desires to be Dean’s _friend_ – though it would be nice if that option were available to him. Dean seems nice when he’s not being disappointed by age differences –even if his intentions with giving Castiel his phone number weren’t exactly along those same lines.

All in all, Castiel would call this an interesting turn of events. In all Gabriel’s complaining, it hadn’t quite registered that Dean might also like men too. It also hasn’t registered that the light on his phone is blinking with a received message. He checks it quickly, taking note of the time and how long he’s been in the bathroom.

Dean’s message is appropriately apologetic. **_Yeah… sorry_** He likely wouldn’t have offered his phone number if he knew that Castiel was only seventeen at the.

Actually, Castiel is surprised that Gabriel never mentioned his age to Dean. **_Don’t be. I’m just surprised. Gabriel never mentioned that you thought I was older._** In fact, Gabriel has never mentioned anything about Castiel and Dean in the same sentence.

**_Gabriel???_ **

Is he confused? Oh. Maybe he doesn’t know that they’re brothers. The family resemblance isn’t very strong between them. Gabriel took after his mother and Castiel only really follows their father in height. A small smile tilts his lips while he types his answer. **_Gabriel Collins. You are aware that he is my older half-brother, aren’t you?_**

**_I am NOW_ **

This time Castiel actually laughs. He stifles it quickly in case anyone might hear. **_Gabriel never mentioned it?_** It wouldn’t be surprising. Gabriel shares little of himself with anyone, let alone with co-workers he can hardly stand.

Dean’s answer takes a little longer to arrive and Castiel is briefly worried that the conversation might be over. To his relief, it appears to only be because Dean was typing a lengthy message. **_Sorry to break it to u but we don’t get along so great but ok that does explain the whole waving thing yesterday_**

 ** _And this all explains his nickname for you._** Or rather, Castiel already had an explanation for it and this is just further evidence to the point. Not that he minds.

The time catches his eye and Castiel winces. The classes are going to be changing over soon enough and he really should get back to class before the teacher gets _too_ suspicious. **_It was nice talking with you, Dean. My next class is starting soon and I have to go._**

Castiel tucks his phone away without waiting for a response. If he did, it would just be for a ‘ _goodbye_ ’ and there is little point in waiting for that. He stands up on the toilet seat to peer over the stall door and confirm that he is alone before he even thinks of leaving. At finding the coast to be clear, Castiel quickly makes his way back to class.

For his lie to be extra effective, he should act as though his stomach is still troubling him – but it was never trouble for him to start with and he has never been the greatest of actors. When the teacher looks to him as he enters the classroom, Castiel ducks his head and gives her a weak smile. Everyone else is still working or quietly chatting and they pay him little mind. He returns his hall pass and slinks back to his seat in silence, sinking onto the chair with a muffled sigh. It’s hard to tell if he’s relieved or pleased that his lie has apparently worked.

In any case, he has maybe another ten minutes before the bell rings. It may have been a mostly free study period, but he could have – _should_ have finished more than he did. To be honest, Castiel could have probably finished all these worksheets if he had been completely focused instead of distracted with waiting for Dean’s messages. Oh well. He can do them after class. At least he somewhat got things resolved with Dean. Sort of.

Everything wasn’t _quite_ figured out, but at least they had a conversation. That would be a stride in the right direction. What that direction might be is beyond him, but Castiel is hoping for, at the very least, friendship. He would like a friend and so far he likes Dean. But now that he knows that Castiel is Sam’s age,  though possibly younger than him since he’s born in September, Dean doesn’t seem all that interested in pursuing Castiel for the original reason of why he gave him his number.

Is it even possible for them to be friends? Their conversation right now might be over, but Dean never said that Castiel couldn’t text him again. Would it be wrong for him to continue speaking to him through instant messages? Gabriel would frown on it if Castiel ever tried to actually spend time with Dean outside of the café. But texting… that should be fine, right?

That question isn’t as distracting as the ones that plagued Castiel throughout his morning, but it still follows him through the rest of his day.

*

As per their usual routine, Castiel gets home before Gabriel. That is no surprise on its own and neither is the immediate complaints the moment Gabriel walks through the door. “I don’t know what kind of stick Dean had up his ass today, but it was a _mean_ one.”

Castiel looks up from where he had hoped it would be safe to do his homework at the kitchen island. His laptop is set up in front of him, ready to use for any research or helpful hints he might need. At least Gabriel has stopped using Dean’s nickname most of the time. It hasn’t stopped him from complaining as much as he used to – and it’s certainly not stopping him now.

Gabriel launches into a rant without Castiel saying a thing. He starts making dinner while rambling about Dean’s sour mood and how he snapped at _everyone_ at the café today. “Even Ash, Cassie. He yelled at _Ash_ , and he’s the chill-est person who works there! Not to mention they were friends in high school. I’m telling you, Cassie, he was in a _bad_ mood.”

That would explain why he wasn’t working the counter at lunch. Crowley would never let anyone handle the customers when there’s the possibility that they might snap at them. And Dean’s bad mood would explain why he wasn’t very talkative during their afternoon conversation. Even though they were speaking through text, Dean’s words didn’t hold the same kind of pleasantness that Castiel is used to hearing from him at the café.

While Gabriel continues his tirade while making supper, Castiel ignores him in favour of picking up his phone and sending a quick message. **_Gabriel says you were in a bad mood all day. I hope your evening goes better than your day has._**

Castiel wasn’t expecting an answer to that message, but he does get one much later in the evening. Supper has long been over and Gabriel is stretched out on the couch watching TV. It’s not nearly loud enough to disturb Castiel’s concentration on his homework. If he was bothered by it, he would move to his bedroom. He’s nearly finished with everything when his phone vibrates on the countertop.

**_Got a few beers in me & evening is looking up_ **

He smiles without realizing it. **_I’m happy to hear that._** After a moment, he holds his breath to gather his courage and sends another message. **_Do you mind if I asked what had you down?_** His curiosity is steadily growing despite doing his best to ignore it.

The answer to that question takes even longer and Castiel has finished his homework by the time his phone vibrates again. **_Bummed out about shit but oh well_** At least Dean seems to be getting over whatever had him upset. Before Castiel can think of anything to say, his phone vibrates again while he’s packing his bag again. **_Sam says hi btw_**

What does bee-tee-double-you mean? If he asks Gabriel, he’ll merely be asked _why_ he needs to know. That isn’t exactly a question Castiel wants to answer right now. Instead, he turns to the internet. His laptop is right there, after all. Oh. It is apparently shorthand for ‘ _by the way_ ’. Interesting. He never would have guessed that.

**_Hello Sam. I hope he is well too._ **

Dean seems to be in a far more talkative mood, since he answers right away. **_As well as a moose can be I guess_**

Rather than risk Gabriel noticing that he is texting, Castiel closes his laptop and retires to his bedroom before answering. **_Moose?_** Gabriel never did explain why he calls Sam that.

Apparently Dean knows. **_Gabe calls him that coz he’s huge_**

Well, that is a good point. Sam is even taller than Castiel and he used to be one of the tallest boys back in boarding school. His phone vibrates in his hand again while he sets his laptop back on his desk. **_Ur brother is kind of a dick fyi_**

That is shorthand that Castiel knows. Gabriel uses it all the time. **_Sometimes. He’s an acquired taste for most. But if you were his brother, he would be nicer._** Honestly, Castiel has no problem with Gabriel. He can be abrasive at times, but he’s really not that hard to get along with.

 ** _Speaking of…_** Dean sends one message and follows up with another. **_U 2 don’t look all the same_**

It’s poorly worded, but Castiel gets the point and he muffles a laugh behind his hand. **_That would be because he is my HALF brother_. ** Dean isn’t the first to mention that. Most people just accept the information when they learn it, but others will sometimes question it.

His phone falls quiet long enough for Castiel to not only change into his pajamas, but he also has the time to brush his teeth. It’s a little early, but he doesn’t plan on leaving his bed any time soon. After all, he has a book to read.

Dean sends another question nearly a whole forty minutes later. **_There’s a story there yeah?_**

A story where? Oh, about how he and Gabriel are related? Castiel’s pulse increases incrementally. Is Dean – is he actually expressing _interest_ in learning about him? That sends a shiver of heat through his chest. He can’t remember the last time anyone actually asked him about himself. It makes him smile as he slides down against his pillow to get comfortable. This might be his _second_ conversation of the day with Dean and Castiel can’t stop smiling.

**_If you want to call it that, I suppose there is._ **

He doesn’t think it’s a particularly interesting story, but there is sort of one involved with their father’s divorce from his first wife shortly after Gabriel was born. Not long after that she grew sick and Gabriel had to go live with Father. His mother never recovered and Gabriel never knew her. She died while he was still an infant. Father met Castiel’s mother a few years later at a party her parents were throwing on their yacht. Another few years later and they were married and Castiel was born not long after that.

 ** _Hit me!_** The response he receives is both enthusiastic and immediate.

Dean _is_ interested. This pleases Castiel to no end. A second conversation and Dean is actually asking to learn more about him. Perhaps being friends is a possibility for them despite the age difference. And if it is, this could be the beginning of a better path than the one he walks now. This one is lonelier than he would like. But this – this could lead to very good things.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When his phone beeps with a text message, Castiel nearly trips over the coffee table in his dash to the kitchen island to get to it. Unfortunately, it’s just a message from Gabriel. _**I know you’re stressing. I can hear it from here. Calm your tits and have a beer.**_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **There are no warnings for this chapter**
> 
> This chapter takes place _during_ [Chapter One](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3739232) of the _A Little Patience_ storyline.

To be completely honest, Castiel hadn’t really expected to have any more conversations with Dean. The most he thought he would get is that they would be more familiar with each other at the café. But by the time a month has passed, Castiel’s message history has at least a dozen texts from Dean almost daily – with an excess of them on Dean’s twenty-second birthday. And now whenever he walks into the café, he’s greeted personally with an even brighter smile than ever before. It’s more than he ever thought he would get and it’s overwhelming.

“Cas!” Dean looks up from wiping down the outside of the display case and smiles. “You’re early today.”

“The teacher was hungry and let us out before he should have.” It’s impossible not to give Dean a small smile of his own as he approaches the counter. “How was your date last night?”

A light blush rises in Dean’s cheeks and he ducks his head. “It was good.” He goes back behind the counter, tucking his cleaning things out of sight. “We’ve actually already arranged to go out again tomorrow. I think I’ve got myself a girlfriend.”

“Congratulations.” And Castiel means it.

For the last few weeks, Dean has been dating a girl he met when he was out with some friends. Her name is Lisa and Dean has mentioned her quite a few times. Castiel doesn’t know too much about her, but the more that Dean talks about his dates with her, the more he ends up mentioning about himself. And learning about Dean is something Castiel enjoys a lot. The more that he learns, the easier it is to talk to Dean and it gives more for Castiel to say. It’s nice to actually have _conversations_ with someone.

“Thanks!” Dean laughs as he runs a hand through his hair and his cheeks are still dusted pink. “So, what’ll it be today? The usual again or are you going to actually mix it up?”

Castiel shrugs and looks up at the menu. He always just got the same thing because he enjoyed the BLT and changing the order meant talking to Dean more. Now it doesn’t feel like that was such a bad thing. In fact, he’s having trouble remembering why he had decided that he shouldn’t outright speak with him in the first place. Ah well, it doesn’t matter anymore. They talk now and it’s the highlight of Castiel’s day.

“What about the egg salad sandwich?” He tilts his head in thought. It’s been quite some time since he had that one. “And fries today.”

“That gets my gold seal of approval.” Dean laughs and enters the order. “And what kind of dessert are we aiming for today? Pie?”

The mention of Dean’s favourite dessert has Castiel muffling a laugh under his hand. “Surprise me. I always like what you choose.”

For a moment, Dean stares at the cash register, contemplating the choices. “Alright then, one surprise dessert coming your way.” He punches it in and grins. “You should’ve told me sooner that you were Gabe’s brother, y’know. You could’ve been getting the family discount this whole time.”

“It’s fine. I don’t need it.” He shakes his head as he hands over the money. The discount is only ten percent and with how often he comes here, it’s not fair to Crowley that he be taking advantage of that every day. Besides, he has a rather generous allowance that he rarely uses. The majority of it is in his savings at the moment as it is.

Dean rolls his eyes and hands back the change. “It’s up to you, I guess.” He ducks to get the bottle of water from the display case. “How were classes this morning?”

“The same as always. Though everyone is getting worked about midterms being soon.” Castiel shrugs and steps aside. There are still a few minutes before anyone else is going to show up, but he doesn’t want to block the counter all the same. “Has it been busy?”

“Nah, it never really picks up until lunch. Our breakfast just doesn’t have the allure of our lunch menu.” He sighs and shakes his head. “I blame Gabe. He can’t scramble eggs to save his life.”

Something in the kitchen makes a loud bang and Gabriel steps into sight through the window. “I _heard_ that, you lying little sh–”

“ _Language_ , Gabriel.” Castiel reminds him softly, tilting his head towards Crowley’s office and the open door. Crowley doesn’t mind foul language every once in a while, but Gabriel has had warnings for doing it in front of customers – though Castiel is fairly certain that _he_ is the only customer that Gabriel would do that around. He likes his job too much to take that risk.

Gabriel’s jaw drops momentarily before he gestures at the two of them. “I don’t like it that you guys talk now. I don’t like it one bit.” His expression only gets more outraged when Dean starts laughing. When Castiel smiles, Gabriel throws his hands in the hair and storms out of sight.

“To be fair, his scrambled eggs _are_ quite good.” He adds once Dean’s laughter has died down. “He studied various cooking when he was in school, but his specialty has always been in pastries.”

“I know.” He snorts another laugh before taking a deep breath to stop. “His food is pretty good no matter what he makes. I’m just being an ass and teasing him. That’s basically one of the few things I enjoy about working here.” Dean sighs and looks longingly at the clock. “Just one more year until Sammy is out of school and then I can go work full time at the garage.”

As he opens his bottle of water, Castiel tilts his head in thought. “Do you make more working there?”

“Yeah, it’s got better pay and I like the shifts more. I don’t like this seven to three stuff.” Dean glances toward the door and frowns slightly. Other students are already making their way here. “I mean, I get antsy with everything being the same every day. I’d rather have my shift change weekly from morning, midday, to afternoon shifts than do the same thing over and over.” He shrugs and gives Castiel a tired smile. “Plus, I just like the work better. I _get_ cars, y’know?”

Castiel nods. He understands, in a sense. He ‘ _gets_ ’ photography, but he doesn’t have the same attraction to the medical field as he does that. Dean would rather be working on cars, and Castiel would rather be taking pictures. Their feelings in that regard must be the same, despite how Castiel doesn’t exactly _work_ in the medical field and he hasn’t officially started studying for it.

“Looks like the time for chit chat time is over, boys.” Meg announces as she shoulders her way through the kitchen doors, a tray in hand. “Here you go, Cas. Egg salad sandwich and fries.” She slides that across the counter to him.

“And a slice of apple pie.” Dean adds a plate of it to the tray with a smug smile. “You like that one the best out of all of ‘em, right?”

He returns the smile with one of his own. “Actually, I prefer the chocolate cake.” Castiel is only teasing, or he hopes that he comes across as such, at the least. In truth, he doesn’t really have any preference when it comes to baked goods. They all taste good to him. But he does have a certain fondness for the pies since they’re clearly Dean’s favourite.

“Don’t lie, Cas. It doesn’t suit you.” His words are harsh, but Dean’s smile isn’t as he makes shooing motions with his hand. “Go get your grub on. I’ll talk to you later.”

Something akin to a butterfly flutters in his chest and Castiel ducks his head with his next smile. “Good luck with the lunch crowd.”

He slips away to his table before Dean can say anything else, trying not to outright grin. This is what it’s been like every weekday for the last month and it has been _wonderful_. Conversations, small talk, and even _banter_ with Dean comes easier to him every day. It doesn’t matter what they talk about – be it events in their day or if Castiel has seen whatever show Dean is currently obsessed with watching.

On that occasion, the answer is always a ‘ _no_ ’ and incites a long lecture about why he needs to start watching it. The lectures only last for as long as Dean doesn’t have another customer to serve, but they’re entertaining to listen to nonetheless. When Dean talks of things he’s passionate about - a show, a movie, his car, his brother, or even _pies_ \- he lights up in a way that Castiel finds captivating. He didn’t think it was possible to see new expressions from Dean after his months of casual observation while being a patron of the café.

There’s so much more to learn about Dean and Castiel is looking forward to all of it. Most of all, he’s looking forward to actually having a _friend_ now.

*

Castiel doesn’t like it when the teacher gives the class a free study period. Very few people seem to actually use it for studying. Out of Castiel's class of nearly twenty students, he would hazard the guess that only a handful of them are actually doing work. Some of them are reading books, but judging by their covers, he doubts that it's one given by the school for class reading. The rest of the students seem more interested in gossiping or holding intimate discussions that have nothing to do with school – as far as Castiel can tell. He always uses this kind of period to get a head start on his homework. On most occasions, he can usually finish a whole assignment before the bell rings.

Today, he might not have the chance to do that.

Shortly after class started, the teacher announced he had papers to grade and the students could do whatever they pleased as long as they were quiet. Normally, Castiel would get straight to work. But as he was getting his binder from his bag, the spaces on the other side of the table were filled up. Since this is the science classroom, the desks have long been substituted for tables to give students a better surface to work on during experiments.

Castiel isn't expecting to look up and find Jess and Sam sitting opposite him. They both share the same expression; amusement bundled with curiosity. It's a look that Castiel has seen multiple times on Gabriel and it automatically makes him uneasy. Only bad things follow when his brother makes that face.

Sam spreads his binder open in front of him before he leans forward on his elbows. "So, Cas - wait. Is it okay to call you that? I know that's not your real name."

"It's Castiel, but Cas is fine." He tilts his head to the side, eyes narrowing slightly. What is going on? "Can I help either of you with something?"

"We're just here to study." Jess smiles and pulls a notebook and a text book out of her bag. "You know why Mr. Walker gives us study period, right?"

Didn't he explain that at the beginning of the class? "Because he has papers to mark."

"That and because he's going to give us a surprise quiz tomorrow." She drops her voice into a whisper and leans over the table a little more. "It's a nasty habit of his."

Sam nods in agreement, leaning forward too and forcing Castiel to do the same so he isn't the odd one out. "He likes throwing quizzes and tests at people to make sure they're paying attention. And he always gives a study period the day before to see if anyone actually studies what they're supposed to."

That makes no sense. Why would he tell them to work on whatever they please if he really wants them to be studying his subject? Why wouldn’t he tell them to do that? But now that Castiel thinks back to the semester so far, he can definitely see a correlation to the study periods and the quizzes he’s held. It’s actually embarrassing that he never noticed that before.

“It’s a good thing I’m all caught up in this class.” Castiel sighs and opens his own binder. “I’ll do a review of my notes tonight before I go to bed as a refresher.” He opens his agenda to look through when his assignments are due, pausing only to look up at Jess and Sam. “Thank you for informing me.”

Jess smiles and twitches her shoulder in a shrug. “No problem. You of all people probably don’t need the heads up, do you?”

“Not particularly, no.” He chances a smile of his own and is pleased to find that it only makes their grins grow. “But I appreciate it nonetheless.” After a pause, he shifts in his seat and looks at the table they had been sitting at together before. “May I ask why you joined me?”

Sam shares a look with Jess and runs a hand through his hair. “Well, uh, you’ve been talking to Dean for a while now, right?”

“For several weeks, yes.” Castiel nods, though he fails to see what that has to do with this. “You don’t object to that, do you?”

“Nah.” He shakes his head and his smile doesn’t even hint at a lie. “Dean is a really good judge of character and he likes you.” Jess stifles a giggle behind her hand, but she still looks just as sincere as Sam does and Castiel doesn’t worry too much about it. “So, I figure that it’s about time that we make the effort to know you too – if you’re okay with that?”

Are – are they asking to be his friends too? Is Castiel reading this situation correctly? He looks between Sam and Jess, trying not to look as surprised as he feels. It’s hard to tell if they both look hopeful or if he’s reading expressions wrong again. Castiel would like to think that they’re being sincere. As far as he can tell, they are. This is a chance he should take. If worse comes to worst, a friendship with them might not work out but he’ll still have Dean, won’t he?

Tentatively, Castiel smiles again and nods. “I would like that.”

Jess looks delighted and she leans forward again. “That’s great! I saw you reading a book at lunch and I’ve been dying to ask about it. I’ve never seen the cover before. What was it?”

He pulls the book out of his bag and hands it over to her. “The Phantom Tollbooth. It’s fantastical and literal and very amusing. It’s a personal favourite that I’ve read several times. I would recommend it to anyone who enjoys plays on words.”

“I’ll have to check the library for it.” She flips through a few pages. “Oh, Sam, look at these pictures. They’re adorable!”

Sam leans over to look and arches an eyebrow. “Does that dog have a clock on its side?”

“Tock is a _watchdog_.” Castiel can’t help smiling. He truly does enjoy the play on words in this book. “And that is The Humbug.” He reaches out to tap the dapper looking bug on the same page. “And the boy is Milo. They’re the main characters and go on a delightful mission throughout a truly imaginative land.”

While he explains the brief synopsis on the back of the book, careful not to give away anything crucial to the story, Jess scribbles down the name of the book and the author in the corner of her notebook. She hands it back with a smile. “I’ll have to take it out at the library. It sounds interesting, for sure.”

“Lend it to me when you do.” Sam nudges her shoulder with his before he sits properly in his seat.

“As if! Get it yourself!” Jess shoves him back with a laugh and turns her attention back to Castiel. “You read a lot, don’t you? I always see you with a book in your hands.”

He nods. “I enjoy reading. There’s a lot to learn from books and they make a great escape when I feel out of my depth or –” Castiel stops before explaining about how he likes to escape from being lonely. Instead he shrugs. “They help to occupy me when I have free time.”

“Do you play any games?” Sam asks. He crosses his arms over his binder, clearly not planning on paying it any sort of attention.

“That depends on what you mean by ‘ _games_ ’. I have a few Sudoku and Crossword books at home.” Castiel tilts his head and thinks about it. “Unless you’re talking about video games. Gabriel owns several and has a few consoles in his bedroom, but I haven’t played any of them.”

If possible, Jess’s smile gets even brighter and she reaches into her bag. She produces a Sudoku book of her own with a bookmark sticking out the top. “Sam says these are such a waste of time but I love them! How good are you at it?”

“Fairly adept, I would say.” He takes the book from her and opens it to the bookmark. It’s just past the beginning of the ‘ _hard_ ’ section. “Are you stuck?”

“She’s been stuck on that one for a week.” Sam sighs and picks up his pen. Apparently he’s going to start working now that the conversation has turned from something he likes. “And she refuses to use the back of the damn book.”

Castiel leans over the table with his own pen in hand. “I’ll show you the trick to figuring it out. Some of it is trial and error, but some are slightly easier.”

He ends up getting very little homework done that free study period, but for the first time in likely his whole life – Castiel doesn’t mind.

*

Castiel wakes up to three messages and one picture on his phone. One of the curses of having a friend who goes out on Friday nights is that sometimes they feel the need to text you while they’re inebriated. Even though he is currently underage, he doubts that he will ever understand the allure of alcohol. He doesn’t want to blame his upbringing for that, but Gabriel has also insisted that part of the deal with their parents to allow Castiel to move in with him was that he would uphold a zero tolerance rule regarding alcohol and drugs. He doesn’t even keep beer here because of it.

All three messages are, unsurprisingly, from Dean. The first is the most coherent. **_U need 2 fast forward time 2 ur 21st bday now_** Clearly he wants Castiel to come out partying with him. The second message is shorter, but still rather understandable. **_U AWAKE???_** No, he was not. That was received at one in the morning. And the third message, with a picture attached, can barely be considered words at all. **_Id kosd i kikr yyis_** and it is followed with a photo of what Castiel would venture to guess is Dean and Lisa making out. It’s hard to tell given the dark lighting and the blurry quality of it. Whoever the photographer was, they did not have the steadiest of hands.

Now that it’s nearly June, with just a few more weeks of classes left, Dean and Lisa have been going out for a few months. It has taken this long for Castiel to grow steadily more irritated by their relationship. He doesn’t find himself nearly as annoyed by Gabriel and Kali as he is by Dean and Lisa dating, but he does note that there are things his brother does that bother him too. Mostly, he doesn’t like how much they both talk about their girlfriends.

If the topic of Kali comes up, Gabriel will never shut up about her. Dean is easier to derail onto other topics, but he reiterates things to the point that Castiel feels like he might be going mad. He can only hear so many times about how awesome Lisa is before it starts to get old. Though he may have patience that stretches on for miles, Castiel does have a limit somewhere and he fears that Dean might be reaching it soon. The last thing he wants to do is have to tell his friend – a word he uses tentatively in correlation to Dean – that he doesn’t want to hear about his girlfriend in every other text messages.

That is an exaggeration, but it holds a ring of truth. If he went through his message records with Dean, at least once per conversation he would mention what he and Lisa are doing, what their plans are, and how much he likes her. Castiel has already utilized the internet to learn that this is a common occurrence during the ‘ _honeymoon_ ’ phase of a relationship and that many people alienate their friends by talking about their new girlfriend or boyfriend. He reminds himself of it every time the irritation builds to annoying levels.

This is a friend that he _wants_ to have and a friend he wants to keep. And this is the first time he’s ever had to be present for the honeymoon stages of a friend’s relationship. It’s like being thrown to the lions, but Castiel will do his best to persevere. This is his first friend and he refuses to let anything take that away from him. But… If it turns out that he and Dean are truly incompatible people, then he will (regrettably) let the bonds be severed.

Anyways, it’s been well over three months since they started talking regularly and Castiel is fairly certain that they are compatible as friends. If it just so happens that he deletes this picture just as he does every picture with Lisa in it – well, that’s… Actually, Castiel doesn’t have a good reason for why he does it. All of the pictures are taken with a poor camera and half of them are blurry. Dean only _really_ likes to send pictures when he gets drunk. That’s every other weekend, more or less. He doesn’t do it _that_ often, but Castiel still doesn’t want to fill up his phone with bad pictures. Especially when he needs the space for the ones that _he_ takes.

It’s only because Dean is his friend that he saves the ones that are just of him. If anyone asks about his friend, Castiel wants to be able to show photographic proof of the one that he actually has. This is the first time that he has one, after all – even if he doesn’t hang out with Dean anywhere. It just can’t be helped given their schedules and age differences. Just the fact that they actually _talk_ is more than enough for him.

Castiel looks forward to a day in the hopeful future where they’ll get to hang out. He’s already starting to plan a way to get Sam and Jess to come over. His excuse will be for school, but Castiel figures that could ease them into hanging out normally – watching movies, or borrowing Gabriel’s gaming consoles or _something_.

As it stands, Castiel really only sees them during school, but now Sam and Jess sit with him during classes. They’ll walk with him in the halls or even join him at the café – though Dean pouts whenever they walk in with him. But he always looks happy following that. Castiel thinks he might be pleased to see that they’re becoming friends too. Now, if only he would be able to invite Dean over for studying like he plans to do with Sam and Jess.

*

“Gabriel.” Castiel sits next to him on the couch, his cell phone in hand.

“Cassie.” He acknowledges him and holds up the remote to lower the volume on the TV. “You’re using that tone that you use when you want something. What is it?”

With a sigh, Castiel looks down at his phone. His math exam is going to be in a few weeks and the teacher has promised that it would be rather daunting. He doubts that it will be, but it’s the perfect excuse that he needs. “I was wondering – would it be alright to invite a few of my classmates over to study this weekend?”

This time, Gabriel mutes the TV entirely and turns to him in surprise. “You’ve never invited anyone over before. What’s happened? Is someone threatening you to help them with their exams?”

“ _No_.” He shakes his head and squeezes his phone. “I’ve just – I’ve never _had_ anyone to ask over before. Now I do and I would like to bring them over to study. We have a test on Monday and exams coming up in a few weeks.”

Silence follows his explanation, but it’s brief as Gabriel leans into his side. “Are you perhaps _crushing_ on any of these people that you plan to invite?”

Again, Castiel shakes his head. “No, I’m not.”

His tone turns teasing and Gabriel brings a finger to Castiel’s face, poking his cheek. “Are you _sure_?”

Castiel shoves his hand away. “The people I’m hoping to invite over are already dating each other. And _no_ , I have no interest in dating either of them.”

Pouting, Gabriel slouches back and crosses his arms. “Fine. Do I know either of them?”

“I’m not sure if you know Jess, but you should know Sam.”

In an instant, Gabriel is sitting up and leaning well into Castiel’s personal space again. “The _moose_?” He sounds – and looks – incredulous. “Cassie, don’t tell me that you’ve befriended _Dean’s_ baby brother.”

“I have.” There is little point in lying and especially if Gabriel plans to be home when Sam and Jess are here. “And his girlfriend, Jessica, as well.”

Gabriel stares at him for a hard moment before he makes a valiant try to take Castiel’s phone from him. If he didn’t have such a firm grip on it, he might have lost it to his nosy brother’s fingers. “Is _Sam_ the one that you’re texting all the time?”

So he _has_ noticed that Castiel’s phone habits have changed over recent months. Since Gabriel hasn’t made mention of it, Castiel was wondering if he had picked up on it. “No. I’ve been texting with Dean.” What good would lying do him now? He knows how this goes. Gabriel would get the information out of him eventually and this is the least painful route.

His loud, busy, and boisterous older brother has never gone so still in what surely must be his entire life. Castiel can’t recall a single moment where he has seen Gabriel not move at least _some_ part of his body in some way. It doesn’t last for very long. After a few seconds, Gabriel slowly sits back and sticks his little finger in his ear. “I’m sorry, Cassie. I think I have lint in my ears. For a second there I thought you said you were texting –”

“Dean.” Castiel repeats, bracing himself for what surely will be some form of shouting. “I said that I’ve been texting with Dean.”

This is another miraculous moment in history. Gabriel is, apparently, speechless. “How – What – I – But he – Cassie, why would – _him_?”

Wary of whatever verbal trap Gabriel might be leading him into, he nods slowly. “Yes. I enjoy speaking with him. He’s –”

Castiel gropes through his vocabulary for an appropriate word and finds himself at a loss to properly describe Dean. In their conversations, he always offers views on things that Castiel would never have thought of on his own. Dean sees the world differently and it’s intriguing. It’s caught Castiel’s attention more than his perfect and extremely photogenic face ever did before. He’s become so much more than that to Castiel now and there is no word to do him justice.

He settles on one that he hopes won’t upset Gabriel any more than he might already be. “Interesting. Dean is interesting.”

As expected, all his answer gets is a derisive snort and a rolling of the eyes. “Puh- _lease_ , Cassie. Dean is as interesting as a bag of bricks. He’s _dull_. Guys like him are a dime a dozen.”

“I don’t think he’s boring.” He says it firmly and narrows his eyes. Gabriel is insulting his friend and he doesn’t like it. Hopefully he can deviate any further offences. “You noticed that we started talking more at the café. Do I look like I’m not enjoying the conversation?”

Gabriel reaches out to put a heavy hand on Castiel’s shoulders. “I hate to break it to you, Cassie, but all he’s trying to do is get into your pants.”

“It would be rather difficult for him _and his girlfriend_ to fit into my pants together.” Castiel speaks slowly and does so with his teeth clenched. Maybe Gabriel will get the hint to stop while he’s ahead.

“Oh, like _that_ would ever stop him.” He huffs loudly and rolls his eyes again. “Guys like him are only after one thing and they don’t care who gets hurt in the process.”

Something hot and almost verging on the painful flares brightly in Castiel’s chest. Before he realizes it, he’s on his feet and glaring down at Gabriel, his hands balled into trembling fists at his sides. “Do _not_ insult my friends, Gabriel.”

As if in retaliation, Gabriel stands up too, though he is a few inches shorter and has to look _up_ to meet Castiel’s eyes. “Get better friends, Cas _tiel_.”

“ _No_.” He hisses, his voice low and dangerous. “Dean admitted that he didn’t know my age at the time he gave me his number, but he has made no advances on me since he found out. We merely talk about our days and our interests.” Castiel continues speaking over Gabriel when he opens his mouth to interject. “If you absolutely _must_ know, we usually talk about the books we’ve read and the shows and movies that he has seen. That’s _all_. We don’t even see each other outside of the café.”

At least that makes Gabriel shut his mouth, even if only for a moment. It doesn’t take long for him to cross his arms again and turn away in a huff. “I still don’t trust the guy.”

“You don’t have to.” Castiel sighs and allows himself to relax slightly. Maybe the worst of this argument is over with. “Dean is _my_ friend. But if you bothered to look past what you see on the surface, you might understand that he is actually a fun person to _talk_ to.”

Gabriel turns up his nose and looks away. “Bullshit.”

Now it’s Castiel’s turn to roll his eyes. He refuses to continue this any further. “I’m not going to argue with you about the _one_ friend that I have.” His hand aches when he loosens his grip on his phone. “All I’m asking is if Sam and Jess can come over to study this weekend. We have a math test on Monday to find our weaknesses so we know what to focus our studies on for the coming exam.”

It takes so long for Gabriel to speak again that Castiel is almost worried that he’s going to refuse him. But eventually, he sighs loudly and drops his arms. “Fine, do what you want. I’ll spend the weekend at Kali’s and you guys can order pizza or something.”

“Thank you.” Castiel brushes past him, too annoyed – no, too _angry_ to want to speak with him any further. He makes sure to shut his bedroom door just hard enough that Gabriel will _know_ that he’s upset with the conversation they just had.

For several minutes, Castiel lays face down on his bed and simply breathes. Very rarely does he find himself actually _angry_ and he doesn’t like it. Gabriel works with Dean and he should know him better, but he doesn’t. He knows _nothing_. If he bothered to actually try and get to know Dean, Castiel thinks that he and Gabriel would get along rather well. They’re both big brothers and they both like movies and TV. It’s likely that they watch several of the same shows.

Why they can’t get along is beyond him and Castiel rolls over, determined to find out. He sends out a quick text message to Sam and Jess’s phones, asking if they would like to come over tomorrow. It’s been a few weeks since they exchanged numbers and he’s still exceptionally pleased that they were the ones who prompted that he do it.

With that taken care of, he opens the conversation he shares with Dean and sends one to him. **_What happened between you and Gabriel that made him hate you?_**

It might be a while before he gets an answer back. Since it’s Friday evening, Dean is either spending time with Lisa at home, or he’s out with her and his friends to drink and dance and do whatever it is that people do when they go to a bar. In the meantime, Castiel has some more homework to finish up and his study notes to prepare. If Sam and Jess are going to come over, there are some things he would like to have for them when they do.

He moves to his desk and turns on his laptop. With his notebook propped open next to him, Castiel opens a special document for labels and starts typing the notes up. These will be for flash cards and usually he would prefer writing them out by hand, but if he does it by typing then he can print out three copies instead of having to rewrite it all three times over. That would be repetitive and good studying for him, but it would also be time consuming and he doesn’t have an excess of that at the moment.

Castiel has just turned to the second page of his notes when his phone buzzes next to him. The message is from Dean. **_Finally told him that we text huh?_**

As is normal when he gets a message from Dean, a smile comes to Castiel’s lips. **_You’re astute today._**

**_ No 5 $ words I gotta look up k? _ ** Dean’s message is playful and followed up with another. **_U 2 fought?_**

Yes, Dean is being very perceptive today. Castiel starts typing his next message. **_I suppose. He insinuated_** He stops and backspaces the last word out to lessen the dollar value as requested. **_implied that you have unsavory intentions towards me despite your relationship with Lisa._**

Sometimes, Dean is very predictable. Now is no different. As expected, he seems as pleased to hear that as Castiel was. **_Dude not cool_** And he ends the sentence with a frowning emoticon.

Castiel sends back the same emoticon. **_That’s what I said._**

He manages to type up another few labels before Dean’s next answer arrives. **_Bullshit! The day u use dude is the day I become a pretty pretty princess_**

That would be a sight to see. **_That can be arranged, dude._** Castiel would give almost anything to see Dean’s face now and hear his laugh. Or rather, he hopes that he’s making Dean laugh. This banter still feels rather new to him and it’s harder to know if he’s getting the reaction he’s hoping for when they talk through text message.

Dean responds with a laughing emoticon. **_Ur springing 4 the dress!_**

Pleased, Castiel types out an answer of his own. **_Which Disney princess gown would you like?_** He’s almost tempted to offer the Arabian princess’s outfit, though that’s not exactly a _gown_. What was her name again? It’s hard to remember all their names, though he can picture their faces and outfits from the merchandize that he sees in stores when Gabriel drags him out shopping.

**_ I’m surprised u even know Disney exists _ **

Muffling a laugh in his throat, Castiel leans back in his chair while sending his response. **_I’m ignorant to many things but I don’t live under a rock._**

He thinks Dean might be a playful mood tonight, given the gaiety of his messages. **_Nah u live with ur bro so its under a BRIDGE_**

It takes Castiel a moment, and a brief search of the internet, to understand that particular reference. **_Gabriel is not a troll._**

**_ U sure? He’s short & grumpy & fits the bill _ **

If Gabriel knew that Castiel was laughing at his expense, he would probably poison their next meal. **_He exhibits none of the other signs._**

**_ Oh ya? Like what? _ ** Dean asks as if he doesn’t know, but Castiel suspects that he does.

**_ Such as stopping billy-goats, asking for a toll, or offering riddles among other things. _ ** That’s just a few of the things he found that trolls do during his search of things that live under bridges.

It’s possible that Dean’s end game from the very beginning of the conversation was to take Castiel’s mind off the fight he had with Gabriel. If that was truly what he was trying to do, then he has most definitely succeeded. Castiel can hardly remember that he was angry at all by the time his talk with Dean comes to a close – and that only happens because Dean is about to start watching a movie with Lisa.

They say their goodnights and Castiel gets back to typing up his notes. He’ll only print one tonight to make his own set of flashcards, but once he hears back from Sam and Jess, he can print more if they end up agreeing to come over. Castiel is hopeful that they will. So hopeful, in fact, that he has already made plans to order pizza, buy snacks, and ensure that they have study aides such as paper, pencils, and anything else that they might need.

For a short while, he had contemplated the possibility of a sleep over. It would have been nice to have one since the closest he’s ever had were the shared rooms back in his earlier years at boarding school. As nice as it would be to have a proper one, Castiel doubts that either of them would be comfortable spending the night. And Dean and Jess’s parents might object to a couple sleeping over at the same apartment together.

Castiel understand that, which is why he didn’t bother to ask. But he also doesn’t want to spend the entire time that his friends are over studying. He would like to try giving _hanging out_ a chance. Which is why he has also arranged for them to have some downtime from studying – if Sam and Jess actually agree to come over. Their entire afternoon hasn’t been outright scheduled, but Castiel has left space for some time to watch a movie – particularly when the pizza arrives.

In either case, he is eagerly awaiting their responses. Dean had mentioned that they were out on a date at the moment, so he likely won’t hear back from either of them until later. But that’s fine. In the meantime, Castiel can finish up the last of his homework, prepare his study materials, and try his best not to look forward to tomorrow _too_ much. It is very last minute, after all.

*

Castiel paces back and forth in the living room. He walks from the window at one end to the island at the edge of the kitchen before turning around and going back. His laptop, pencil case, binder and textbook are all sitting out on the island, carefully set to one side and leaving plenty of space for Sam and Jess to sit. If they prefer to move to the couch and chair and use the coffee table instead, Castiel would be more than willing to move there too.

Gabriel is gone for the day and everything is set out to be perfect. He has money for pizza and there are a variety of chips on the counter, just waiting to be poured into bowls. The fridge is even stocked with at least four different kinds of sodas. Castiel is _ready_ for this, but that doesn’t stop him from being nervous. He’s never invited friends over for anything, not even studying. What if he’s not a gracious host? What if the apartment isn’t clean enough? Or what if it’s _too_ clean?

After they both replied yesterday evening saying that they would love to come over to study, Castiel had spent over an hour putting together the flash cards for them. And then he spent the entire morning cleaning the apartment from top to bottom and an hour in the afternoon at the grocery store trying to pick the perfect chips and the perfect drinks. The only room he wasn’t allowed to touch was Gabriel’s bedroom and that door has been shut to hide the mess in there. Gabriel said that Castiel was going overboard, but he just wants everything to be _perfect_.

He’s tired of being lonely and he’s sick of doing the same things over and over again. For the last seventeen years, his life has been nothing but Taekwondo, school, and reading. It’s only in the last few years that he started adding photography to his routines. But that’s not enough for him anymore. As much as Castiel enjoys his personal time, he wants social time too. He wants to have friends to share news with and spend time with and _do things_ with. And this – this is his attempt at doing that.

Castiel can only hope that it will turn out well. Which is why his nerves are making it impossible for him to sit down. According to Dean’s text message from a short while ago, Sam and Jess were on their way. They’re coming by bus and Castiel is doing his best not to count the minutes or look up how long it would take for their bus to get here. He would need Dean’s address to do that, but Castiel doesn’t know it and he’s not going to ask for it just because he can’t _wait_.

When his phone beeps with a text message, Castiel nearly trips over the coffee table in his dash to the kitchen island to get to it. Unfortunately, it’s just a message from Gabriel. **_I know you’re stressing. I can hear it from here. Calm your tits and have a beer._**

He rolls his eyes and puts his phone down. They don’t even _have_ beer in the apartment. Gabriel is just being a pest, even if he does have the best of intentions. And he even went to the effort of making that rhyme. How nice of him. Castiel sends a thankful though somewhat scathing message telling Gabriel to mind his own business and enjoy his time with Kali. He puts his phone down and starts his pacing again, trying not to worry that they might have changed their minds on the way here.

Castiel barely ends up making a full two circuits across the living room before the buzzer rings. His heart jolts hard in his chest – partly nerves and partly surprise that it happened at all. At least this time he doesn’t trip over anything on his way to the door. The intercom is mounted on the wall next to it and he has to hold down the talk button to be heard.

“Hello?” He lets go immediately, waiting to hear a response.

“Cas!” Jess’s voice comes crackling through the speakers. “We’re here! Let us up!”

It’s hard not to smile in relief now that they’re both here. “We’re on the third floor. Stairs are on the left, elevators on the right.” He explains before pressing the button that opens the door downstairs.

Since the building is shaped like a ‘T’ and it’s easy to get turned around in it, Castiel waits out in the hall for them and waves as they come around the corner. Jess waves back and as soon as they’re close enough, she hugs him. “Thanks for inviting us!”

The hug catches Castiel off guard and it takes him a moment to be able to return it properly. “Thank you for coming. I’m glad you could make it.” He smiles at them both and steps out of the way to gesture into the apartment. “Please, come in and make yourselves comfortable.”

“This is a nice building.” Sam claps him on the shoulder as he walks past. “I can’t tell if Dean would be jealous or uncomfortable with it.”

“Jealous. Definitely.” Jess answers over her shoulder, already having removed her shoes and venturing toward the living room. “I mean, I don’t even live on my own and _I’m_ jealous. This place is beautiful!”

It may be Gabriel’s apartment, but Castiel still feels flattered and rather pleased that they like it. “Would you like a tour?”

“Of course!” She turns around to grab Sam’s arm and gestures at Castiel. “Lead the way, good sir.”

He smiles and shows them the kitchen, explaining quickly that the island is used as their table. Next is the bathroom, as he thinks that would be the most important thing for them to know. Following that, he points out the closed door at the end of the hall as Gabriel’s bedroom and then leads them into his. Both Jess and Sam stop in the doorway and stare slowly around the room.

“Are – are you _sure_ this is a teenager’s bedroom?” Jess asks quietly. “It’s so – it’s _spotless_.”

“Is Gabriel secretly some kind of clean freak or something?” Sam is whispering too, though Castiel doesn't know why. “That bed looks like it was made with military precision. Seriously.”

Castiel smothers a laugh and shakes his head. “I grew up in boarding schools. We were required to keep everything in order and it’s a habit that hasn’t changed for me.” He shrugs and glances around. “And I might have dusted, vacuumed, and tidied up a little bit when you agreed to come over.”

They both laugh and Sam throws an arm around Castiel’s shoulder as they head back to the living room. “Aw, Cas, you don’t need to impress us. We already like you.”

Neither of them might ever know just how _happy_ that makes him feel. Castiel smiles brightly at the both of them. “Thank you.” He gestures at the places they can sit. “Make yourself comfortable. Would you like anything to drink? I have Coca Cola, 7Up, Barq’s Root Beer, and Dr. Pepper. Gabriel picked the flavours, so I hope they’re alright.”

“It’s a good selection.” Jess laughs and heads towards the fridge. She pauses with her hand on the door. “Do you mind if I –?”

“Not at all. Please, help yourself.” Castiel is too happy to care if someone goes in his fridge. Sam and Jess likehim and his friend count could quite possibly be at _three_ now. “Would you like something to snack on? I got these chips.”

Jess hands Sam a Dr. Pepper and cracks open her own 7Up. “I’ll help. I think we’ll have more space to work and have snacks here at the island, won’t we? Plus, Sam is a klutz. If he spills, at least it won’t be on the couch.”

“Ha ha, love you too, Jess.” Sam grumbles, though he does wander back from looking at the pictures and items Gabriel has hung on the walls in the living room. He gestures over his shoulder at them. “Hey, Cas, what are those medals for?”

“Taekwondo.” There’s no need to look to check about what he’s talking about. “Gabriel insisted that we hang them up instead of leaving them in a box somewhere. I would have preferred they be in my room, but he claims that he likes to show off how awesome I am to anyone he brings over.”

Jess whistles and leaves her drink on the counter to go take a look herself. “Are these really all yours? Oh! Sam, look! Cas is in these pictures. How long have you been taking Taekwondo?”

Pride pulses brightly in Castiel’s chest as he pours half of each bag of chips into different bowls. “Since I was a child. Mother thought it would be a good idea to know how to defend myself since I was a bit on the small side until puberty struck.” He puts the bowls out on the island and watches them look at the pictures. “Mother says I should be proud of my accomplishments and she’s rather happy that Gabriel wanted to hang those up.”

“She’s right.” Sam almost seems in awe when he returns to the island to sit down. “Way to go, dude. I’m impressed!” For a moment he’s quiet and then he reaches for his bag. “I almost forgot! Dean sent something over for you.”

At the mention of Dean, Castiel’s heart trips over itself in his chest. He does his best not to look or sound _too_ enthusiastic as Sam digs through his bag for whatever it is. “He did?”

“Yeah.” Unsurprisingly, it’s a movie that Sam holds out to him. “Dean said if we had the time for it tonight, then we should totally watch this after we’re done studying.”

Blade Runner. Dean has spoken highly of this movie and they were actually talking about it just the other day. It’s touching that he remembered to send it along and Castiel can’t help but smile. “He has been rather insistent that I watch this.”

“Don’t even get me started on Dean and his damn _addiction._ ” Sam rolls his eyes and slumps in his chair. “He complains _all the time_ about how you don’t know anything about anything. If you’re not careful, he’s going to make it his life’s mission to educate you in all things pop culture.”

Jess only laughs as she pops a chip into her mouth. “Is that really such a bad thing though? Teaching Cas about cinema classics is better than having Dean devote all his free time to something more disastrous like - oh, I don’t know, world domination?”

Castiel briefly thinks about what a world run by Dean Winchester would be like. “I fear the only dessert would be pie and the things that compliment pie.”

“And we could say goodbye to salads.” She sighs and looks dramatically to Sam. “It would be Dr. Sexy on every channel at all hours of the day.”

He adopts a look of mock horror. “We can’t allow that to happen!” Sam turns to Castiel and clasps his hands together. “For the love of all things good, Cas, please don’t let that happen!”

It’s impossible not to laugh and Castiel drops into his seat next to Sam. “I can only promise that I will try. But I do prefer reading to staring blankly at a screen for an hour and a half.”

Jess reaches across Sam to pat Castiel on the shoulder. “You’re going to need all the luck in the world then if you're going to be friends with Dean. He inhales TV shows and movies like it’s air. It's only a matter of time before he’s going to be hell bent on educating you.”

Castiel’s smile is practically a permanent fixture on his face. “He can most certainly _try_. Gabriel has been attempting the same for years and he dubbed me a ‘ _lost cause_ ’ a while ago.”

That makes both of them laugh and it’s such a nice sound to hear. Castiel is delighted to have been the cause of it. He doesn’t want to interrupt and waits for their laughter to die down before he holds up a flyer for pizza delivery. “I was thinking that we could order this for dinner later. If that’s alright with the both of you?”

“Drinks, snacks, _and_ dinner?” Jess’s eyes go wide and she tilts her head. “Cas, you’re going to spoil us. I _insist_ that we chip in for the pizza.”

Sam nods along in agreement. “Absolutely.”

He ducks his head to hide the heat rising to his face. Castiel is starting to feel a happy, fuzzy feeling in his chest and it feels _good_. Is this what it feels like to have friends? If it is, he never wants to let it go. He hopes that it’s a feeling that will actually _stay_. And, thankfully, it does. That feeling continues pulsing away behind Castiel’s ribs while they finish setting up to get ready for studying.

Since he already has all his things set out, Castiel decides to send a quick text message to Dean while Jess and Sam finish getting their notes and binders out. **_Thank you for the movie._**

Dean’s answer is almost immediate and Castiel stifles a laugh. **_I expect a 10 page easy in the morning about why its fucking awesome_**

His smile is enough to make his cheeks hurt when he responds. **_Yes, sir._**

**_ Study hard u nerds! _ **

Castiel puts his phone to the side and looks up to find Jess watching him. Her smile has a sly edge to it. “Was that Dean?”

“Yes. I was thanking him for sending the movie.” He gestures at the case on the other side of the island. “I look forward to watching it.”

Now Sam is looking at him too and he has the same smile as Jess does. “You guys talk a lot, huh?”

“I suppose.” Castiel shrugs and glances down at his notes.

“That’s cute.”

He doesn’t understand how simply texting with Dean could be _cute_ , but he doesn’t question it. If he asks, he might get an answer he won’t be able to understand either. It’s better if he just moves the subject on to what Sam and Jess are actually here for, more or less. They’re here to study and have a good time together, not talk about his friendship with Dean.

Castiel clears his throat and holds up the flyer for the pizza. “I was thinking that we could study for a few hours and then order the pizza to take a break. Since Dean sent the movie along, we can start watching that and eat when the pizza gets here. Afterwards, we could quiz ourselves?”

Sam laughs, but he and Jess both nod together. “That sounds like a good plan to me.”

Good. He had been a little worried that they wouldn’t like the fact he had made plans before they were even here. Hopefully they won’t mind his next surprise either. “I also made flash cards with various equations and problems that we were told would be on the test, along with some other things.”

Jess takes the stack that he holds out to show them. Each card has a hole punched in a corner and a ring put through it to keep them together and make it easy to flip through them. She stares at them as she goes through the first few cards. “Wow, good thinking! These are – Cas, these are amazing. If this is how you study all the time, no wonder you’re top of the class.”

Castiel can feel heat filling his face again and he shrugs. “It does help. And I – I made three copies if you would like to take a set home.” He hands another set to Sam, hoping that they don’t think that he’s trying too hard or think that he’s a nerd. It’s something he’s been teased for before and he doesn’t enjoy it all that much.

“No way.” Sam’s jaw drops and he leans over to compare his pack to Jess’s. “How long did it take you to make all of these?”

“Not long.” He shifts in his chair and toys with the ring of his own set. “I just typed it up and printed them on labels to put on the cards. Typing it up took more time than applying the labels. It was just another type of studying for me.”

Jess laughs and puts her cards aside in favour of getting up to hug Castiel again – marking the _second_ hug he’s received today. “I’m going to have to have words with Dean. He totally lied about how awesome you are. Thank you for these! We owe you big time.”

“Damn right we do. Let’s start with the pizza.” Sam looks to Castiel with wide eyes. “Dinner is going to be completely on us tonight. Don’t even try objecting to it.”

Castiel is at a loss for words. He’s delighted that he was able to not only catch them by surprise, but that they also like his gift. And on top of that, Dean has told them that he’s awesome? What has he done to make Dean think that? All he ever talks about with him is his classes and how their days have gone. They talk about the shows that Dean has watched and thinks that Castiel should watch them too. And sometimes, Castiel helps Dean with talking to Gabriel.

He knows for a fact that Dean’s working relationship with Gabriel _has_ improved since they started talking, whether Gabriel knows it or not. The complaints about Dean have lessened quite a bit and even Dean doesn’t talk about how Gabriel was being annoying as much as he used to. In the beginning, a lot of Castiel’s conversations with Dean were about his work. They didn’t just talk about Gabriel either. Sometimes they talked about Crowley and how creepy he can be, and they discussed how annoying his dog is – a fact that Dean agrees on.

But none of that makes Castiel understand why Dean would call him _awesome_. It leaves him without an answer and he merely stares at them until Jess takes her chair again.

“If we get amazing marks on this test, you’re going to have to teach us the ways of your studying.” She opens up her binder and flips to the first assignments they were given in the class.

“You’re welcome to study with me at any time.” Castiel offers tentatively, knowing full well that they share a couple classes and with the exams coming up that would open many opportunities to hang out. He could even help them study with the classes that they _don’t_ share.

Sam claps him on the shoulder with a wide grin. “If that’s your way of inviting us over again, you can bet we’ll take you up on that offer. But you’re going to have to let us do something for you too, y’know? You should totally come to the big after graduation beach party. I know we’re going to have prom next week and everything, but the party isn’t going to be hosted by the school. It’s just a whole bunch of us getting together and having some un-chaperoned fun, y’know?”

Castiel has never been to a party before and he has no plans on going to prom, but he likes the idea of being invited to something. “If I’m free, I’ll try to make it.” He can’t remember the last time he’s ever smiled so much. “But we should get started on studying now or we’ll never get to it.”

“Ah, you’re just like Dean.” He sighs and runs a hand through his hair. “He’s always reminding me to study whenever I start getting distracted too.” Sam laughs and pulls his notebook closer. “Alright, let’s get to it. Jess, pass the chips.”

She laughs and moves the bowl closer to him as they all get started on reading through their notes. Castiel likes to use colours and he has a variety of highlighters set aside to help. He’s never had someone else to study with, but he hopes that he’ll enjoy their presence for it. They’ve already offered an invitation to him to hang out _outside_ of school related activities and he’s about ready to burst with how happy he is from that alone.

Friends. For the first time in forever, Castiel has _friends_. He should really thank Dean for this. If it wasn’t for him, Jess and Sam might never have taken it upon themselves to approach him. This is so exciting and Castiel can’t wait to see where things are going to go now.

*

The DVD menu for the movie is on the screen and Sam is on his cell phone placing the order for the pizza. Jess is making herself comfortable on the chair under the window with the bowl of chips in her lap. Even with pizza on the way, her appetite doesn’t look like it can wait. But her eyes aren’t focused on the TV. They’re currently trained on Castiel as she tilts her head and chews thoughtfully.

“Can I ask you a question?”

Castiel looks up from trying to figure out the remote for the DVD player. “Go ahead.”

She pops another few chips in her mouth before she’s ready to ask. “How come you don’t really talk to anyone at school?” When Castiel continues to stare at her, she extends her question. “You’re always off on your own doing homework or reading or whatever. How come?”

How is he supposed to answer that? He doesn’t want to admit that he is essentially alone at school. He doesn’t want their _pity_. “I – don’t often have the time for friends.” It’s not a lie, but Castiel is practiced in using half-truths, especially when talking to his father. “Between Taekwondo, homework, and whatever lessons my parents choose to send me to, it’s nearly impossible to have time for a social life.”

His mother likes to call him up and say that she’s arranged for him to attend a weekend workshop to learn how to do specific kinds of dance or anything that tickles her fancy. It’s her way of trying to stay involved in his life when he’s living on the other side of the country. Castiel doesn’t exactly enjoy it, but it keeps his mother happy and he does like to learn new things – even if he has no plans on _waltzing_ with anyone anytime soon. And if he were going to be completely honest with Jess, he would say that he doesn’t _have_ anyone that he could make plans with.

Sam drops onto the couch next to Castiel once his order has been placed. “Well, if you ever have some free time, you should totally come hang out with us.” He lifts his legs as though he were going to put his feet on the table, but Jess gives him a warning look and he freezes.

“It’s alright. Gabriel does that all the time.” Castiel leans back and puts his feet up to prove his point. He smiles brightly at the both of them. “And I would love to hang out with you.”

“There’s this free concert being held in the park tomorrow afternoon. You should come with us.” Jess offers, passing the chips along to them as Sam stretches his legs out on the coffee table. “It’ll be a nice break from studying, don’t you think?”

His heart is pounding almost painfully in his chest, and Castiel can hardly contain his smile. “I’d like that. I’m sure I can fit it into my schedule.” All he had down in his agenda for tomorrow was more studying and he knows the subject material so well that it won’t matter if he skips an afternoon.

Once the movie starts, Castiel is almost incapable of paying attention to it – though he certainly tries. He’s just so _happy_. A part of him wants to text Dean immediately and excitedly tell him about his plans. But he doesn’t want Dean to worry about how lonely he’s been until now either. Right now, he’s simply happy and there isn’t anything that’s going to take that away from him.

*

They’ve moved to the living room to continue their studying and their quizzing after the movie ended. Jess flips over a card and frowns for having made the wrong guess. “I just don’t get _math_. What am I ever going to do that requires knowing how long it’s going to take a train to reach the station when it’s traveling at so-and-so miles an hour? I have the station’s website for that and I sure as hell don’t plan on working with trains.”

She sighs loudly and stretches her arms out across the coffee table to rest her cheek on her binder. “This is dumb.” After a moment, she lifts her head. “Cas, does music bother you while you study?”

Castiel puts a sticky-note tab on the equation that he had trouble with and turns to the next one. “Not particularly. If you’d like to listen to some, you’re welcome to.”

Jess perks up and gets to her knees. “What do you have? Do you have any CDs or a cable package with some music-only channels?”

Honestly, Castiel doesn’t have any CDs and he’s not sure about the cable package, but he does happen to have an iPod full of music and the entertainment unit has a docking system for it. He gets his iPod from his bedroom and hands it off to Jess and Sam before he sits down again. If they find anything they like in there, they’re welcome to put it on.

They lean their heads together while they look through the songs. Sam looks up after a while, eyes wide. “Holy crap, Cas. I don’t think I’ve seen a collection this varied before.”

He shrugs and fiddles with his highlighter. “Several genres of music appeal to me. If I come across a song I like, I buy it on iTunes and download it to my iPod.” He doesn’t like _everything_ , but there are many songs from many different genres that catch his attention – either because of the tune or the lyrics. It’s rare that he’ll have a whole album downloaded.

“Here, play this.” Jess hands the iPod to Sam and he gets up to plug it into the entertainment system.

Castiel raises his eyebrow when _Vision_ by _Jason Manns_ starts playing. “You know this song?”

“He’s good and needs to be _way_ more popular.” Sam drops back into his spot with a grin. “Dean doesn’t like listening to anything more recent than, like, late 80s. If you ever drive with him, Cas, be prepared for _nothing_ but classic rock.”

It’s doubtful that he’ll be spending any time in Dean’s car, but Castiel nods nonetheless. “I’ll be sure to keep that in mind.”

Jess laughs and starts swaying in place. She hums along to the music while going over her notes. By the time the third song is playing, she and Sam are singing along to the lyrics. Castiel isn’t sure _how_ it happens, but he ends up singing along too for a few songs before they manage to drag themselves back to quizzing each other. He doesn’t mind the interruption. In fact, by the end of the evening when they’re packing up, Castiel would readily admit that this has been the most fun he’s ever had studying before.

*

Dean had promised that he would come to pick Sam and Jess up when they were finished, especially if they ended up going later than nine o’clock. Jess would need to take a different bus to get home and no one wants her or Sam to be bussing alone on a Saturday evening. It’s nearly ten by the time they leave and Castiel thinks it might be the fault of the movie – and possibly the music. But he’s not complaining. He enjoyed having company for a change and he would readily do it again.

“Even if I don’t study tomorrow, I think I’m still going to ace that test on Monday thanks to you.” Jess pulls Castiel in for one more hug before she steps out into the hall. “Thanks for having us over _and_ for the cards. Seriously, they’re going to be a _huge_ help.”

“It was no trouble.” He tries to keep his smiles under control, but they have a mind of their own as he walks with them to the stairs.

Even Sam hugs him before he leaves. “I’ll text you tomorrow with the details about the park concert, okay? You better come! Everyone needs a break from studying, and that includes you.”

Castiel can only nod and smile at him. “Of course. I’ll be there.” He waves at them before they head into the stairwell and he turns back to return to the apartment.

As he walks, Castiel sends a quick message to Dean. **_They’re on their way down now._** It won’t take them very long to get there, but he figures Dean would at least like a little notice.

**_ Did u 3 have a good time? _ **

That would be putting it mildly. **_It was very enjoyable, but I didn’t think that we would go so late, sorry._**

Dean’s responses are quick, which means that he hasn’t left just yet. **_Dont worry bout it hey hey was blade runner ok??_**

He locks the apartment door behind him and leans back against it as he types his answer. **_It was interesting. Do you have any other recommendations?_**

**_ District 9 for sure! I’ll send it along next time or u should download it!  _ ** Before Castiel can respond, a second message comes in. **_Whoop theres the lovebirds g2g! Ill ttyl!_**

Castiel smiles and types out his final message for the evening. **_Goodnight, Dean._** And it has undoubtedly been that. He can hardly believe that he has so much fun just _studying_. There’s still music playing and bowls of mostly eaten chips sitting out, but Castiel doesn’t mind that he has to clean up now. He had _friends_ here and he would clean up a thousand messes if it meant having them over again.

The message he doesn’t send, but most definitely feels, is a quiet and sincere  ** _Thank you._**


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Pout for me, guys. C’mon, gimme them great big anime eyes.” He laughs and holds his fingers together like a viewfinder, both thumbs touching the tip of the opposite indexes. “Don’t be shy, Jess. Strike a pose. Let out your inner underwear model, Sammy. Cas, my man, you need to loosen up!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place _during_ [Chapter One](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3739232) of the _A Little Patience_ storyline.

**_Last final today! Which 1 is it??_ **

Castiel leans back against a locker and tries not to smile at his phone too much. All the other students in line against one side of the hall are frantically looking through their notes one last time before they’re admitted into the classroom for the final exam. It wouldn’t be fair to them if Castiel was smiling instead of looking as nervous as they are. He already had several weird looks just for showing up with nothing but a pencil case in hand.

 ** _Honours Biology._** Castiel types out his answer to Dean’s question quickly and sends another message immediately after it. **_We’re going to be let in for seating in a few minutes, actually._**

 ** _Have i mentioned lately that ur stupidly smart?_** Dean adds a smiley face after it composed of a semi-colon and a capital ‘d’. It’s winking at Castiel and it makes his insides turn fuzzy.

He can’t keep his smile off his face any longer and he all but grins at his phone as he responds. **_Yes. You’ve said it to me every day that I’ve had an exam._**

 ** _Thats coz its tru!!_** Before Castiel can respond with a smiley emoticon of his own, his phone vibrates with another message. **_Ill shut up now but good luck! Me and lis r cheering 4 u!!_**

The fuzzy feeling sours slightly at the mention of Lisa, but Castiel’s smile doesn’t fade any. **_Thank you. If you’re using pompoms, I’d like to see the pictures please._**

**_Fat chance!_ **

A response is sitting at the tip of Castiel’s fingers, but the sound of the classroom door opening catches his attention. There’s a sudden flurry of activity as all the waiting students start putting their notes away into their binders or bags. Castiel turns off his phone and tucks it into a pocket of his jeans. It’s too hot of a June day for his coat, but he doesn’t need it. He can easily keep his wallet and his phone in his pants and all he needs for school is his pencil case.

Tests and exams have long since stopped being something that makes Castiel nervous before he takes them. He’s been subjected to them his whole life both in school and outside in whatever additional classes his parents have enrolled him in. Perhaps he’s being _too_ confident right now, but Castiel is well versed in today’s material. His studying sessions both alone and with Sam and Jess have gone very well and he has no worries about his marks for any of his exams.

Besides, it’s hard to be nervous about anything when he has Dean’s words of encouragement still circling through his head. It’s not just his parents and Gabriel that he wants to make proud with his marks. It’s Dean too. His praise tastes a thousand times sweeter and Castiel can hardly wait to tell him about his marks when he gets them.

With Dean’s well wishes warming him from the inside, Castiel goes into the exam room with his head held high and a bounce in his step.

*

Being the center of a hug sandwich is not entirely as pleasant as he thought it would be. Castiel feels slightly claustrophobic as Jess and Sam hug him from both sides. Not only is his apartment being invaded by a pair of extremely happy teenagers, but his personal space is at risk too – not that Castiel minds it. He’s never been a part of a hug like this and it’s a new experience he’s happy to have – though he’s fairly certain that he prefers a two person hug to a three person one.

“We did it! _We did it!_ ” Jess continues to repeat in Castiel’s ear.

“We _did_ it!” Sam laughs in the other, squeezing both him and Jess tightly. “I can’t believe it!”

Castiel takes a quick breath the moment the hug loosens enough for one. “What did you do?”

He doesn’t appreciate the mocking laughter from the couch. “Oh, I dunno, Cassie. It’s not like finals finished last week or anything.” Gabriel cackles again and shoves a handful of caramel popcorn into his mouth. “I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that they passed everything.”

“With _flying_ colours!” Jess announces, finally stepping out of the hug. “We can’t thank you enough, Cas. Our marks shot up like crazy just from studying with you. You’re amazing.”

Sam’s isn’t quite finished his hug yet and he squeezes extra hard one last time before he lets go too. “Have you checked your mail yet? Jess and I both got ours today. I’m going to tell Dean as soon as he gets home. He’s going to shit his _pants_.”

Actually, yes. Castiel did get the mail already today. The unopened envelope with the results of his examinations is sitting on the kitchen island, waiting to be opened. When it comes to end of the year exams, he usually waits until he gets a phone call from his parents before he opens it and tells them what his marks where. But this could be a special exception. Jess and Sam did come all the way to his apartment to surprise him, after all.

“I haven’t looked at them yet.” He picks up the envelope and immediately Jess and Sam are leaning over his shoulders. Castiel can’t stop from grinning at the both of them. “Should I open it?”

“Oh for the love of –” Gabriel’s puts his bowl of popcorn down on the coffee table and gets to his feet. “Enough with the suspense, Cassie. I’ve been dying for you to open that damn thing since you got the mail this morning. Mom and Dad won’t know if you’ve opened it before they call.” He stops into the kitchen and makes a grab for the envelope. “Just open it already!”

Castiel’s smile grows. It seems even Gabriel wants to know what the marks are. “If you all _insist_.” He teases, carefully pinching a corner of the envelope. “I guess I really have no choice.”

“Oh my _God_ , Cas.” Jess hisses and bumps their shoulders together. “Get on with it!”

In one quick twist of his wrist, Castiel tears open one of the short ends of the envelope. He shakes the papers out and unfolds them at agonizingly slow speed, just because he can. Having someone to tease besides Gabriel is so much fun. Over the several weeks of being friends with Jess and Sam, Castiel has caught himself wondering on multiple occasions how different he would be if he had grown up being friends with them and Dean.

Things would have been worlds apart, surely.

“Enough already!” Gabriel snatches the papers out of Castiel’s hands before he’s even folded up the top portion of the page. “You’re _killing_ me here, Cassie!” He turns his back to all of them as he looks the paper over. “Well, I’ll be damned.”

“What is it?” Castiel grabs at his shoulder and pulls, an ounce of worry fluttering to life in his chest. Did he do badly? Did he do well? Are they as good as Gabriel’s marks were when he graduated? “Gabriel, let me see. They’re _my_ marks.”

Without warning, Gabriel turns around sharply and wraps Castiel in a hug of his own. Jess and Sam just barely refrain from laughing. Castiel’s arms are pinned but he’s well aware that Jess plucks the papers out of Gabriel’s hand. She takes it apart and sets a few of the papers on the island – likely the letter explaining when and where the graduation ceremony will be held and what will be expected of him. Instead of looking over the paper with the marks, Jess holds it in front of Castiel’s face, the bottom curling against the top of Gabriel’s head.

Even Castiel is surprised by the marks of his finals. Half of them are perfect scores and the others are _nearly_ perfect. There’s nothing less than an A+. They’re just as good as Gabriel’s were when he graduated. Pride swells in Castiel’s chest just as Sam whistles in awe and Gabriel finally sets him free from his crushing hug.

“Mom and Dad are going to _love_ those marks, Cassie.” He puts his hands on Castiel’s shoulders and squeezes them tightly. “You did good, little bro.”

“This is even better than good.” Jess remarks, putting that paper down too. “I’d say that these are downright _awesome_ , wouldn’t you?”

Sam nods in agreement, though his eyes are on his phone. After a moment, he presses it against Castiel’s ear. “Here! Talk to him.”

There is only one person Castiel can think of that Sam would want him to talk to. But why is Sam the one calling Dean? Castiel was planning on texting – if not calling – him in a few minutes with the results. If Dean was still working at the café, he would have walked there to show it to him in person. Unfortunately, Dean put his notice in at the café as soon as Sam’s finals schedule was released. That way, his final day at the café was the same day as Sam’s last exam. Now he’s full time at a garage that his friend-of-the-family uncle owns and Castiel has no idea where that is.

As happy as Castiel is to know that Dean is enjoying working full time at a job he loves, he was rather sad on Dean’s last day at the café. Now there is little point in going there to eat. Of course he’ll still go because Gabriel works there and the pastries, sandwiches, and soups are _really_ good, but it seems so empty now that Dean won’t be behind the counter. He won’t be there with a smile that has become very dear to Castiel, and there won’t be any conversations or lectures about how he needs to get his nose out of a book every once in a while.

Castiel will miss Dean and he can’t help but wonder when he’ll get to see him again. They’ve never hung out together and the only time Castiel has ever seen him outside of the café is whenever he walks Jess and Sam down to the front doors if they’re being picked up late. Sam has stated that he prefers coming over here to hang out instead of inviting Castiel over. He claims it’s because his apartment is so small that it’s already cramped when it’s just him and Dean – plus Lisa is over all the time too.

It’s understandable and Castiel doesn’t fault him for that, but he still worries. The entire reason he first started going to the café was to continue being able to see Dean. The desire to look at him and take his picture has diminished quite a bit since they became friends, but will it stay like that or will it only get worse now that they’re not won’t see each other as often – if at all? Will his friendship with Dean suffer now that they won’t be seeing each other five days a week? What if they grow apart and stop talking?

Thoughts like that make Castiel’s heart clench painfully and he nearly chokes on his breath when Dean’s voice sounds in his ear. “Make it quick, Sammy. You know that I’m working. I’m not supposed to be on the phone when I’m under a car.”

“Hello, Dean.” He just barely manages to get the words out without croaking. Castiel takes the phone from Sam’s hand and steps away from everyone out of habit. “I’m sorry for interrupting your work. I wasn’t aware that Sam was placing this call until he handed me the phone.”

“Cas?” Dean sounds surprised and Castiel hopes that he’s not imagining the delight he hears. “I didn’t know Sammy was meeting up with you today.”

Talking with Dean always brings a smile to his face and Castiel turns away from the group so they don’t see it. “Neither was I. He and Jess showed up at my door to harass me for my examination results.”

“Oh yeah?” An edge of excitement enters Dean’s voice and Castiel imagines that he just sat up quickly, eyes bright and eager to hear what they are. “And? C’mon, Cas, don’t leave me hanging. Tell me how awesome you are.”

Heat tickles along Castiel’s ribs, warming the fuzzy feelings he’s had clinging to his insides for the last few months. “I’m _very_ awesome. I’ll send you a picture of my results, but I did better than expected.”

“That’s great, Cas!” Hopefully it’s not his imagination telling him that he hears actual _pride_ in Dean’s voice. “I knew you’d do amazing. Seriously, that’s awesome to hear. I’m really happy for you!” He sounds like he means it and Castiel’s insides feel like they’re wriggling with delight. “You should go to the café and have a slice of pie on me. Get Meg to pay for it, she owes me ten bucks.”

Castiel smothers a laugh under his hand. “Thank you, Dean. I appreciate that.”

“I guess I’ll be seeing you at the graduation ceremony, huh?”

Hopefully the date on the letter is sooner rather than later. “I suppose so.” And hopefully his voice doesn’t reflect the sinking sensation that’s making his stomach feel tight and uncomfortable. “As much as I would like to keep talking with you, I don’t want you to get in trouble at work for talking on your phone. Is it alright if I text you later?”

“Duh, Cas. Of course it is.” Dean laughs and the sound sends shivers down Castiel’s spine. “I fully expect a picture of your grades. You promised.”

“I’ll do it right away.”

“Good.” His voice is as warm as the feeling spreading through Castiel’s lungs. “I’ll see ya later, Cas.”

After he says his goodbyes, Castiel hangs up and hands the phone back to Sam. “Dean said that we should go to the café and get some pie. You also need to collect ten dollars from Meg because she owes him. It can be put towards buying us pie.”

“I like that idea!” Jess brightens and grabs Sam’s arm. “I would _kill_ for a slice of chocolate torte right now. Covered in whipped cream and strawberries. We _have_ to go!”

Sam gives Castiel a dirty look that falls short thanks to the smile pulling up his lips. “You just _had_ to say that, didn’t you?”

“Today’s special is ginger crème brûlée with wafer sticks and assorted berries.” Gabriel interjects, reciting from memory since he spent all morning making them. He grabs his wallet off the kitchen counter and grins at Jess. “It’s not as good as the chocolate torte though.” He ushers them all out the door as soon as Castiel has his shoes on and gotten his wallet and keys. “Your rewards for a  job well done are going to be on me and Dean – once we collect from Meg.”

There’s a bounce in Castiel’s step again as he follows Jess and Sam down the hall. Gabriel locks up behind them and throws an arm around Castiel’s shoulders when he catches up. The last few minutes feel like a dream. Where Gabriel has always been proud of him for his accomplishments, Castiel has never had _friends_ who were proud of him too. He’s never had friends who wanted to celebrate his victories – or their own.

Castiel adds this moment to his happiest memories.

*

If someone had told him that graduation would feel this good, then Castiel would have gladly skipped as many grades as possible to be here sooner. Of course, sitting in the first row of the concert hall wouldn’t feel half as sweet as it does if he hadn’t done all the work he did to get here. Currently, the school Principal is making a long winded speech about how great a year this was for everyone. She’s even citing all the achievements for the various teams that the school had. It’s been going on for five minutes already and Castiel isn’t even remotely bored.

This is his _graduation_ ceremony. High school is forever done with and in two months he’ll be starting his first year at Stanford University. He looks forward to it more than he ever thought he would – especially ever since Gabriel had told him that there was a massive difference between how people act in high school and how they conduct themselves in university. There will of course always be the assholes, as Gabriel put it, but the majority of people are there to learn of their own free will. It’s not something forced upon them like everything Castiel has had up until now.

Gabriel said he wasn’t doing it justice, but he insisted that the two are worlds apart. Castiel believes him and he can’t wait to go. Well, maybe there are some downsides. He’s interested in the new experiences that university will bring to him, but he has a marked disinterest in the lineup of pre-med courses that he’ll be powering through until he has all the prerequisites needed to take the Medical College Admissions Test. And _that_ is not something he’s looking forward to taking at all.

But at least he has a good long while before he has to worry about those.

When the Principal gives up the podium to the valedictorian, Castiel starts paying attention again. He had been asked to give the valedictory speech, but had refused. It would have been too much attention on him at once and he’s fairly certain he might’ve thrown up instead. Castiel can participate in Taekwondo competitions easily because he’s not the only one performing. He has an opponent in sparring and there are always other members of his dojang demonstrating alongside him. As long as he’s not the center of attention, he can handle being in front of extremely large groups of people.

Thankfully, the Principal understood when she asked him. And that’s why Becky is the one standing on stage, talking excitedly about their pasts, their present, and how amazing their futures will be. She was a much better choice to give this speech than Castiel. Becky not only participated on the student Council, but she was always very animated and knowledgeable when it came to presentations in class. Castiel didn’t share that many classes with her, but she was memorable enough from the ones they did have together for him to actually remember her name.

Before Becky’s speech is done, Castiel’s row rises and shuffles off to go the backstage. They’re seated alphabetically by last name and Castiel doesn’t really know either of the students next to him. But that’s fine. This will be the last time he ever sees them – unless they’re at the beach party that he will absolutely, without a doubt, be attending in a few days. Jess wasn’t all that happy that he never went to the prom and had very pointedly informed him that if he didn’t dance with her at the beach party, then she was going to steal his phone and leave embarrassing messages for all his family members.

Castiel doesn’t really believe that she would do that, but he isn’t going to take the chance. Truthfully, he had been a bit worried that Sam would be upset that Jess wanted to dance with him, but Sam only seems amused by the whole thing. Either way, Castiel is happy. Hopefully no one else in their grade will be upset that he was invited along. To his knowledge, no one actively _dislikes_ him. He just hasn’t made friends with anyone else and they haven’t made friends with him.

Once Becky’s speech is done – thankfully much quicker than the Principal’s did – she gets her diploma and a picture taken before she walks off stage. One by one, the students are called across the stage. Their names are announced along with their academic honours. When Castiel’s name is called, it is accompanied with _egregia cum laude_ – with outstanding honour – and a brief description of Castiel’s academic history. They even mention that he’ll be getting a scholarship to the university of his choosing.

Did they really have to say all that for him? Egregia cum laude is hardly ever used during graduation ceremonies. Hopefully he won’t be the only student with that stated. Even if he is, at least his parents will be happy with it. Though Castiel wouldn’t be surprised if his father is the entire reason why the school chose to use that instead of the more standard _summa cum laude_ – with highest honour.

There are the appropriate polite applause from the audience – aside from two “YEAH, CAS!” shouts from Sam and Jess. Someone in the section reserved for family members is whistling loudly – no, wait. It actually sounds like _two_ people, but it’s hard to tell amidst the clapping. If he had to guess, Castiel would think that it’s Gabriel. Who else is out there that would make such a ruckus for him from the area reserved for _family_?

Either way, heat burns in his ears as he crosses the stage quickly. Castiel shakes the Principal’s hand and accepts his diploma. When he smiles for the camera, it’s a little weak and he leaves the stage as soon as he can. Once he’s out of the lights, he’s finally able to breathe again. There were _hundreds_ of people – students and parents alike – watching him and he thanks his lucky stars that he didn’t trip over his feet or do anything equally embarrassing. Father might have died on the spot if that ever happened – and Gabriel would never let him live it down.

As soon as he’s back in his seat, Castiel slides down in it to relax. His cap isn’t sitting right on his head and he takes it off to run a hand through his hair. Mother won’t like that he messed it up, but she shouldn’t have tried to style it in the first place. He touches his hair far too much for it to keep any styling care given to it. Castiel isn’t expecting to feel his phone buzz in the breast pocket of his blazer and underneath his graduation robes. Hopefully his parents won’t be able to tell from where they’re sitting that he’s the one who has a phone out while the rest of the students are being called.

To his surprise, the message is from Dean. **_Congrats on the scholarship_** It’s followed quickly by a second text. **_why didn’t u tell me? Where u going?_**

Oh, that’s right! Dean is in the audience too. How could Castiel have possibly forgotten that? He’ll chalk it up to stage fright. Castiel lowers the brightness of his screen and hunches his shoulders to try and block the glow of his phone while he types a quick response. **_Stanford. Sam didn’t tell you?_**

That’s a little shocking. Sam had been very excited when Castiel told him earlier in the spring that Stanford had already accepted his application. The only reason he never told Dean about the scholarship or that he was going to Stanford was because he thought Sam was going to tell him. It’s a little odd that he hasn’t, but it doesn’t matter. Dean knows now.

As it turns out, both Sam and Jess have both been accepted there too. They had told him days before the acceptance letters were received and not long after they had started talking to him. It had been a worrying time for them, as they were hoping to get into the same school together. Castiel didn’t have hopes. He knew that he was going to get in. It’s a bit egotistical of him, but it’s fact that his grades are good enough to get him into any Ivy League school of his choice if he wanted to. The only reason Castiel ever applied for a scholarship was because it’s his way of trying to get out from the oppressing weight of his father’s influence.

It’s _his_ hard work on his academics that have _earned_ him the scholarship. It’s not a full ride, but it will cover part of his classes. The rest he’ll pay for from his savings – though he knows that his parents will continue to put money into his account whether he wants them to or not. That is something Castiel will have to talk to them about while they’re here. They might not like the idea, but he wants to see what they think of him getting a part time job to make up for the rest of his school expenses that the scholarship doesn’t cover.

The phone buzzes in his hand again and Castiel glances down. He doesn’t care for the majority of the students here so he isn’t paying _too_ much attention to the names being called, but he wants to cheer for Jess when she walks across the stage. And Sam too, of course. Dean, however, might not cheer for Sam now. Castiel knows that’s not true, but Dean’s message regarding Sam’s lack of information sharing makes him smile nonetheless.

 ** _Nah he’s a dick_** A second message pops in before Castiel can click reply. **_hey we’re having a bbq over at Lisa’s tonight to celebrate for Jess and Sam u wanna come too? U could even bring Gabe_**

There is nothing that Castiel wants more than to go to this barbeque with Dean and his friends. Unfortunately, that is not an option for him. **_Thank you, but my parents are here. We’re going out to dinner this evening._ ** He _is_ happy to see his parents, though. Castiel hasn’t seen either of them since he and Gabriel flew back to Rhode Island for Christmas.

**_Oh man that sounds delightful_ **

Dean’s sarcasm is strong even in text format and Castiel can’t help smiling. He has told Dean on several occasions about just how overbearing his Father can be. His mother expects a lot from him too, but she’s much more easy going. She had no problem cancelling the ballet classes when he was a child after he told her he didn’t like them. To be fair, he _did_ attend a few classes. Castiel just has no passion for or interest in dancing.

 ** _You don’t know the half of it._** Castiel sighs and glances up. They’re only in the names that start with the letter ‘E’ so far. **_Having Gabriel and Father together for a whole evening only spells disaster._**

**_Then how did u survive the holidays??_ **

It shouldn’t make his stomach flip just because Dean remembers that they returned home together for Christmas, but it does and his smile grows. **_It’s a big house with plenty of rooms to storm off to._**

Castiel had thought that the graduation ceremonies would be long and painfully boring. But with Dean texting him hilarious fantastical ideas of what might happen at tonight’s dinner – and even at the barbeque – the time flies by. Before he knows it, Jess is being called across the stage. He puts his phone down and claps as loudly as he can while she gets her diploma.

Once he has calmed down and has his phone in hand again, Dean changes the topic. **_Stanford, huh? Gonna make the commute from ur place?_**

Actually, Castiel had discussed that with Gabriel already. **_I’m going to be living in dorms. I don’t have my driver’s license and Gabriel doesn’t have the time to take me to class. Taking the bus all the way there would be a nightmare._**

Dean’s response is quick. **_No shit_**

It forces Castiel to bite his bottom lip to keep from laughing. **_I don’t like taking the bus._**

 ** _Honestly who does?_** After a moment, another text comes in. **_But 1 day ur gonna have 2_**

He winces and frowns at his phone. **_Only in the most extreme of circumstances._** And at the moment he can’t think of anything that would make him take a bus – or where he would even go on one. Everywhere that he likes to go is within walking distance of his current apartment. Once he starts university in September, he won’t have the time to do anything. He might not even be able to make it to his Taekwondo classes. It all depends on whether or not he can find a dojang closer to the university.

Their conversation turns towards trying to find what kind of situations would make Castiel get on public transit. It’s a fun topic and it distracts him enough that Sam is walking across the stage soon enough. He claps for Sam just as loudly as he did for Jess. The messages with Dean stop then, mostly because there aren’t many people after Sam and then the closing ceremonies are going to take place.

After that, it will be chaos.

*

Perhaps it’s a cruel twist of fate that gives Castiel a glimpse of Dean through the crowd gathered all throughout the front half of the concert hall. Even through dozens upon dozens of other people, Castiel can easily pick Dean out from everyone. He wasn’t even on the lookout for him. It’s completely by accident that he spots Dean between the mobs of people. The dark haired woman at his side must be Lisa. Castiel can’t see her face from here, but he can think of no one else who would be at Dean’s side.

Despite a slight stinging sensation in his chest, Castiel still moves without thinking. He only takes one step towards them before he realizes that he can’t simply walk away.  His parents are here. He can’t just _leave_ them to go see his friends. They came all this way to see his graduation and he’s supposed to spend this time with _them_. Especially since they’re only going to be here for a few days. And it’s not just them either. Gabriel and Kali are here too. It would be rude of him to abandon them both to his parents. Not to mention that there is little chance that Gabriel will approve of him going over there to talk to _Dean_ of all people, even if they aren’t co-workers any more.

A heavy weight settles in his chest, smothering the sting. Does that mean this is it? Is this the last time he’s going to see Dean? Castiel isn’t even allowed the pleasure of saying goodbye in person? He’s not fooling himself in any regard when it comes to Dean. They may text every other day – if not daily – but he doesn’t expect that to continue now that they won’t be seeing each other every week day.

Gabriel said that high school friendships usually drift apart once everyone graduates. If Castiel goes to Stanford with Sam and Jess, he might be able to maintain his friendship with them in between classes. But his friendship with Dean is probably going to fade away to nothingness one day. And that might be very soon. He’s four years younger than Dean. More than that, almost, since his birthday is in September and Dean’s is in January. It’s nearly five years difference. How could he expect Dean to continue their friendship when he can have friends his own age?

This is casting a sad pall over what should be a happy day. But Castiel can’t help it. The only real link he had to seeing Dean daily was at the café. They have never hung out together and now that Dean has quit, there isn’t anything to bring them together. Well, maybe that’s not true. Hope flickers lightly in his chest and Castiel straightens his shoulder slightly.

Come September, Castiel will be living on campus in the dorms to make his commute easier. And according to Sam, he and Dean are looking for a bigger apartment near Stanford. If Castiel’s friendship with Sam continues (and he sincerely hopes that it does because he enjoys the time he spends with both Sam and Jess), then Sam might be willing to invite him over now that they’ll have a bigger apartment more suitable for guests. If that ever happens, maybe Castiel will run into Dean then.

An elbow catches him in the ribs and Castiel turns to glare at Gabriel. Before he can hiss at him for being a bug, Gabriel leans in and drops his voice into a whisper. “Go say hi to your friends. Kali and I can cover you for ten minutes, tops.”

Castiel glances at their parents. Sure enough, their backs are to him and they're currently engaged in a conversation with Kali about her job. This is his chance. They won’t even know that he’s gone if he’s quick enough about it. If they weren’t surrounded by hundreds of people, Castiel might actually consider kissing Gabriel on the cheek in thanks.

Instead, he pats him on the shoulder. “You’re the best big brother ever.”

He slips away into the crowd after double checking to make sure neither of his parents are looking. With the ease bred from years of avoiding people, Castiel makes his way through the throng of graduates and their families without bumping into a single person. At first he thinks that he might be able to sneak up on them, but Dean is glancing around too much for that. As soon as he spots him, Dean smiles brightly and it’s enough to lift Castiel’s spirits.

"I almost thought we weren't going to get to see you!" Dean laughs and pulls Castiel into a tight hug. It's the kind of hug that he can lean into, and hugging Dean is more comfortable than he thought possible.

"You can thank Gabriel for giving me the chance to escape." He murmurs against Dean's shoulder, not sure if he should return the hug or not. This is the first time he's actually _touched_ Dean and it's like touching a live wire. A really _good_ smelling live wire that leaves his heart lurching oddly. Castiel chalks it up to still not being used to being hugged by friends.

Thankfully, Dean steps away before Castiel has to actually do anything. "Really? I'll have to send him a gift basket, then." He grins and follows it up with a teasing wink. "Do we have enough time for me to introduce you to Lisa properly?"

A twinge tugs at the base of Castiel's throat, but he smiles nonetheless. "Of course. And hopefully there will be time for a picture or two of all of us?"

Surprisingly, Dean's smile softens. "Well, aren't you lucky that we've got a camera lady." He reaches back and pulls Lisa away from Sam and Jess. "Cas, allow me to officially introduce the most beautiful woman in the world, Lisa Braeden."

Castiel will have to agree with him that Lisa is a very beautiful woman. She looks as nice as he has been informed that she is. Even Sam has said that Dean has never dated a nicer lady than Lisa. But why does that make something that feels a little bit like unhappiness vibrate through his chest. It’s an unpleasant feeling and Castiel doesn’t like how it twists around his ribs.

This is almost like what he’s been feeling over the last several week while he was talking to Dean – only this time it feels _wrong_. It’s not a nice feeling at all and he hates it. He shouldn’t be feeling like this when he’s meeting someone important to Dean. Castiel may not know her personally, but his friends do and they say she’s very pleasant. Lisa didn’t even need to come today, just like Kali didn’t. But they both are here to support members of the families that they’re slowing becoming a part of.

The timing for this feeling is _really_ off and he ignores the sensation as best as he can. Castiel focuses on all the positive things that he’s learned about Lisa over the last few months in the hopes that the bad feeling will go away. He holds his hand out to her and prays his smile is sincere. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you. Dean speaks of you often.”

“I should say the same to you.” Lisa’s smile is kind and it eases the unhappy feeling trying to coil tighter around Castiel’s ribs. “I was just complaining to Dean a little while ago that I haven’t gotten to meet his favourite text buddy yet.”

He ducks his head slightly and gestures over his shoulder. “I’m sorry that I can’t stay longer to chat. I have to get back to my parents before they notice that I’ve slipped away from them.”

“Of course.” She nods and holds up a digital camera in her other hand. It makes Castiel wish that he had his own here, but it wasn’t necessary since the school provided a photographer who took the necessary pictures of Castiel walking across the stage and receiving his diploma. “Then why don’t we get started on those pictures, huh?”

Dean steps out of the way and gestures for Sam and Jess to come forward. “C’mon graduates. Get your asses in gear and put on a big smile.”

That bad feeling in Castiel’s chest lessens rapidly while he stands where Dean tells him. to With Lisa manning the camera, Dean has apparently taken it upon himself to make everyone pose. For the first picture, he has Jess stand in the middle between Castiel and Sam. The second has Sam in the middle, and the third is Castiel. Judging by how often Castiel hears the metallic ding of a picture being taken, Lisa seems to be snapping multiples of each shot. At least she seems to know what she’s doing. Dean, on the other hand, is making things up as he goes.

“Pout for me, guys. C’mon, gimme them great big anime eyes.” He laughs and holds his fingers together like a viewfinder, both thumbs touching the tip of the opposite index. “Don’t be shy, Jess. Strike a pose! Let out your inner underwear model, Sammy. Cas, my man, you need to loosen up!”

His comments have all of them laughing. Castiel’s smiles come easier, but he still feels awkward in each picture. It’s very rare for him to be on the other side of the lens and he’s not sure how to act. All he can manage is to smile and relaxing slightly so he’s not too stiff while Jess and Sam follow Dean’s instructions only after a few of the more proper pictures have been taken.

The longer his smile stays in place, the more Castiel is reminded of something Gabriel told him the other day. He mentioned that Castiel has been smiling more often lately. That can likely be attributed to actually _having_ things to smile about. Sometimes they come unbidden when Dean, Sam, or Jess, sends him a text message. But these smiles right now feel natural. They feel _happy_.

All throughout his childhood, the majority of his pictures were always with a neutral expression. His mother used to tell him that she wished he would smile more. If only she could see him now. Actually, she _could_ if she just turned around. But with Father here, Castiel would rather that they not know about his friends – now or hopefully _ever_. Father would only want to know everything about them and he would judge them on Dean’s job or his financial standing or anything that occurred in their lifetimes that wasn’t absolutely _perfect_.

To start, Dean dropped out of high school. He’s thought about getting his G.E.D. but he hasn’t done anything to go through with that plan. If Father ever learned of that, he would demand that Castiel stop associating with the Winchesters immediately. Of course he wouldn’t ever listen to such a ridiculous order, but that’s exactly what is Father would want him to do.

When Dean throws an arm around his shoulder to join in on the photos, Castiel’s heart nearly stops. It’s hard to breathe and remember to smile all at the same time when he has Dean leaning against him on one side and Jess and Sam crowding him on the other. It’s a weird thing to have happen, actually. Castiel was perfectly alright when he was standing between Jess and Sam. Why does it feel like this just having _Dean_ be in closer proximity?

His heart is starting to beat harder – in a good way. It’s confusing, but it feels rather nice. Castiel has never actually _floated_ before, but he would like to think this is what it would feel like. He likes it. In fact, he likes it just as much as he likes the weight of Dean’s hand on his shoulder. Aside from the few times that their fingers have brushed when exchanging money at the café, this is the first time that he and Dean have touched each other – and that includes the hug from a few minutes ago.

“It’s too bad that you couldn’t come over tonight.” Deans sighs when he steps away slightly, gesturing for Lisa to lower the camera. “It’s going to be a blast.”

If he was allowed to make the choice, Castiel would choose an evening with his friends over having an awkward dinner with his family any day. “I would like to, but Mother came in from France and Father flew in from China. They both came here for this and it would be extremely rude of me not to spend this time with them.”

Jess takes the camera from Lisa and smiles at Castiel before she starts flipping through the pictures. “Don’t worry! We understand. I’ll make sure to take lots of pictures and email them to you.”

“Thank you. Will you send me those ones too?” He points at the camera in her hand and she nods, but she’s completely absorbed in looking through the pictures with Sam leaning over her shoulder to watch.

Dean’s arm is still around Castiel’s shoulder from the last picture they took. “Damn, I guess that means that you don’t want me to text you about how awesome tonight’s party is going to be, huh?”

“You could.” Castiel shrugs and immediately regrets it. The moment his shoulders move, Dean drops his arm and steps away completely to stand next to Lisa. It leaves Castiel’s side cold and that weird feeling in his chest gets worse again. He ignores it to continue speaking. “But if you do text me, then I might have to retaliate with how boring and awkward mine is.”

“If you need an out, you could always call me.”

Lisa laughs as Dean puts his arm around her shoulders just like he did Castiel’s. “You’ll need to do that before he gets too drunk to drive.”

As nice as it would be to escape the dinner even just for a little bit, Castiel has to resign himself to the fact that he will be missing this party. “I’ll be fine. My parents are actually in good moods right now and they’re not fighting. It’s possible things might actually be _civil_ between everyone as long as Father and Gabriel don’t butt heads too much.”

Jess and Sam abandon the camera to Dean’s hands long enough to hug Castiel goodbye. Sam pats him on the shoulder when he steps back. “I’ll keep you up to date on all the information about the beach dance. You _better_ come.”

“I promise I will.” Castiel nods and smiles at Jess. “We have a dance, don’t we?”

“And don’t you dare forget it!” She points a threatening finger at him before grabbing Sam’s hand. “Come one. Becky paid me ten bucks so she could take a picture with you. We’ll see you later, Cas!”

Dean snorts a laugh and watches them disappear into the crowd before he turns to Castiel. His smile fades slightly and he tilts his head. “I guess you gotta head back now, huh?” There’s no need for Castiel to answer the question. They knew their time was short. Dean sighs and runs his hand through his hair. “Well, good luck with it. I’ll see you around?”

Castiel nods and smiles, even though he doubts that they will. He would certainly like to see Dean again, and the thought of that makes his heart flutter in an odd way. Not a _bad_ way, but in definitely abnormal way. It’s a new feeling and Castiel decides to take his leave to avoid doing anything that might be deemed weird. His goodbyes to Dean and Lisa are short, but he waves while he walks away.

“ _There_ you are.” Father doesn’t sound pleased when Castiel pushes his way through the crowd to join them. “What took you so long?”

Mother cups his face between her hands. “Mon cher, are you not feeling well? It’s not healthy to take so long in the bathroom.”

Ah, Gabriel must have lied. He smiles stiffly and pulls her hands away. “I’m fine, Mother. There was just a long line. Shall we go?”

“Yes, let’s.” Father turns on his heel and starts making his way through the crowd without another word or a glance back over his shoulder.

With his mother on his arm, Castiel follows after him. He would like to tell them about his friends, but there are just so many reasons why that would be a bad idea. Castiel is proud of his friends and all their accomplishments and what they’ve done. If he could, he would boast about them to anyone with an ear to lend. But he doesn’t want his Father to insult them or be – well – _himself_. Maybe one day he’ll be able to tell his parents that on his graduation day he had a fun moment with his friends and was sad that he might never see one of them again, but today is not that day..

This is a happy moment for him. Castiel is graduating. He has friends _and_ he has _plans_ with those friends. Without a doubt, this is absolutely one of Castiel’s favourite moments in his life _and_ he has rarely been any happier than he is now. There is just one question tickling at the back of his mind.

Why does he also have a lingering sensation of _sadness_ too?

*

By evening, Castiel knows what the unkind feeling in his chest was. He had plenty of time to think when there was little to no talking during dinner. After some introspection, it didn’t take long to figure out that what he was feeling when he met Lisa was very similar to the unpleasant emotion he has whenever he’s been beaten during a sparring match or competition in Taekwondo. It’s the same feeling he’s had when a class he wanted to get into was full before he could apply for it.

This feeling is jealousy. Castiel is _envious_ of her.

Now the question is, _why_ is he jealous? Well, the answer to that is simple, isn’t it? She gets to spend time with Dean. It’s something he isn’t allowed to have have. He has no excuses to hang out with Dean like he did with Sam and Jess. First he had homework, and now they’ve started inviting him to other things. It would be weird of him to ask Dean to hang out simply because he wants to spend time with him, wouldn’t it? He needs a _reason_ , doesn’t he?

This is unacceptable. Castiel _graduated_ today. He is officially done with high school for the rest of his life and he will never have to go back there again. That’s a good thing. It’s a bit of a shame that he’s in bed at his usual bedtime instead of partying like the rest of the students in his year probably are. But it’s even more of a shame that he’s lying awake in bed worrying about a misplaced feeling of jealously and a friend he’s never actually spent time with outside of five minute conversations during lunch hour over a counter at a café.

But try as he might, Castiel can’t stop thinking about it. He can’t stop wanting to _see_ Dean. And he doesn’t want to lose his friendship with him. What if he and Dean drift apart? What if Jess and Sam don’t think he’s worth being friends with if he can’t even remain friends with Dean? There are too many questions and too many worries and this stupid _jealous_ feeling keeps clawing at his stomach. It continues to remind him that right now Lisa is probably laughing with Dean. She gets to spend time with him and see all the things that Castiel doesn’t even know about.

He is a _friend_. Feeling jealous of another friend’s girlfriend is useless and pointless and it doesn’t make _sense_. Castiel doesn’t have these feelings when it comes to Jess and Sam in either sense. He doesn’t want to know what Sam looks like when he’s sleeping, or if he snores or has restless leg syndrome. It would be an amusing thing to know, certainly, but it’s not something he actually _thinks_ about. Not for Sam, at least. Dean, however, is an entirely different story. Castiel has a mental list in his head of all the things he wants to know about him.

There are things such as; what’s his favourite colour? What’s his wardrobe look like _outside_ of his usual café outfit? Does he like to cook? What’s his specialty? When was the first time he lost a tooth? How old was he when he lost his parents? Why did he drop out of high school? What is his actual relation to his ‘Uncle Bobby’ and how long have they known each other? What does Dean do when he wants to relax? Why does he drive that big old Impala instead of something with better gas mileage? Where did he live when he was growing up? Has he always lived in California?

The list goes on and on. It feels endless and it doesn’t help that Castiel continues to add to it. Sometimes he manages to summon enough courage to ask Dean a question from the list every so often. He uses the question to break away from their standard conversations about how their days have been, what they plan to do, and the basic fare of television and book discussions. His knowledge of Dean expands a little bit every time, but it’s not enough. It still leaves Castiel with an itch under his skin to learn _more_.

And that doesn’t change the fact that _Lisa is Dean’s girlfriend_. It shouldn’t be upsetting to him that she gets to spend time with Dean and learn all those things. They’re things that Castiel doesn’t believe a _friend_ should wantto know. Right? Honestly, how is he supposed to even know! These are his first friends and he’s struggling with just trying to figure out how to properly be friends with Sam and Jess, let alone having to figure out why he’s jealous about Lisa and –

Castiel sits upright in bed and stares at the door. If a wall was what was at the other end of his bed, he would stare at that instead. His heartbeat is pounding in his ears, but it’s not nearly enough to drown out his sudden – and slightly horrifying realization.

Does he _like_ Dean?

No, that’s not possible.

He draws his legs up under him to sit cross legged in bed. With his eyes closed, Castiel tries to imagine himself in Lisa’s position. In this make believe word that he is briefly considering, Lisa doesn’t exist. Dean’s partner is _him_. Castiel is the one who gets to hold Dean’s hand. He’s the one who gets to cook dinner with him and lean into his side during movies, or go on long drives. When Dean goes camping, Castiel is the one who sleeps next to him on the air mattress – holding him or being held by him. And when they have a conversation there isn’t a lull with the time it takes to type out a text message or the unfortunate distraction of something else.

Every new scenario he imagines makes Castiel’s heart beat a little bit harder. It’s fluttering in his rib cage like a trapped bird and there is no questioning the forming pit of guilt in his stomach. He wouldn’t be feeling like this if it wasn’t true – if he didn’t _want_ those things. Castiel wants to get to know Dean better. He wants to spend more time with him and he may or may not have feelings for him that extend beyond just friendship. Which is absurd in and of itself.

By all definitions that he knows of, this is a _crush_ and Castiel simply doesn’t _crush_ on anyone. The last time he felt anything for anyone was at some point in grade five when he had a penpal from China. They were supposed to talk about the differences in their cultures and it was to help the Chinese students work on their English. Castiel would have liked to try writing the letters in Chinese, but he didn’t start teaching himself that language until a few years later.

He had a lot in common with his penpal and their letters were always the longest out of everyone else in his class. They talked about music and their families, likes and dislikes, food and hobbies and everything in between. Granted, those were the things that they were supposed to talk about – as outlined in their assignment guides – but the penpal was the first person in a long time that Castiel didn’t have a stiff and uncomfortable conversation with. Of course that never didn’t include family or teachers. The only other people Castiel has been able to speak easily with since then are his current friends. There are still some awkward moments, but conversations are getting easier and easier to have.

Maybe – maybe Castiel is only crushing on Dean like this because he’s the first person since then to be kind to him? These can’t be _real_ feelings. It’s just some misplaced gratitude for Dean being his first friend since forever. Dean is the one who helped break the ice – so to speak – with Jess and Sam. He is the catalyst for why Castiel is happier now than he has been in a _very_ long time. This crush isn’t anything more than some kind of _dependency_ on Dean for helping him like this.

That must be it. Because, honestly, it would make more sense for Castiel to have a crush on Sam or Jess. To date he has spent more time with them than he has with Dean, even though he has technically spoken to Dean more. But the vast majority of that is by text message. And conversations with Dean just seem – well, they’re _easier_ , surprisingly.He hasn’t been able to have entire conversations with Sam or Jess about nothing at all. He has message history proving that he and Dean can talk about anything and everything without any set topic.

There’s a _connection_ with Dean that Castiel is fairly certain he doesn’t quite share with Sam and Jess. It’s fact that Jess and Sam might never have spoken to him if it wasn’t for Dean having made friend with him when he had no obligation to. He doesn’t fault either of them for that since he didn’t make the effort to get to know them either prior to that free study class. After all, it took him how many months to even start speaking with Dean? And Castiel wasn’t even the one who took that first step. _Dean_ was.

He could have asked for Castiel to delete his number after he realized he was underage, but he didn’t. A mistake had been made, but Dean still befriended him nonetheless. He took what could have been a bad situation and turned it into something good. And Castiel is horrified with himself that he might be taking that something and twisting it into what it isn’t. This _crush_ – if it’s even that and not some kind of ridiculous waking nightmare from the desperation of trying to get to sleep – is likely Castiel just latching onto the first person to truly _be_ his friend. It will pass in time, just like the one he had for his Chinese penpal did after the assignment ended and they stopped sending letters.

If Castiel ignores the jealousy and the caged bird in his chest, then all he really wants is to be able to see his friend and spend some time with him. But he doesn’t have that and he doesn’t know how to get it. He wishes he had it and he wishes he knew how to get it, because he _does_ like Dean. Whether it’s as a crush or as a friend, he likes him a lot. Their conversations are consistently delightful and he always manages to make Castiel smile.

With a defeated sigh, he flops back across his bed and turns onto his stomach. Castiel pulls his blanket over his head and hides his face in his pillow. He may be happier with friends, but things never felt this complicated before. It was never this hard to understand how he felt and he didn’t second guess his relationships with people.

That doesn’t matter, though. Castiel would take feeling like _this_ over how lonely he used to be any day of the week, month, or year.

*

On the morning of the beach party, Castiel is in the middle of brushing his teeth when his phone beeps in his bedroom. He retrieves it and smiles around his toothbrush at Dean’s name on the screen. It’s a picture message and Castiel raises his eyebrow at the image. The majority of it is a poor shot of a building that he has never seen before, and the rest is filled with the top half of Dean and Sam’s heads. It’s an odd selfie, but amusing.

Another message arrives while he’s looking at the picture. **_WE GOT THE APARTMENT!!!_**

Oh! That must be their new building then! How exciting! Castiel bites down on his toothbrush and abandons it to type out a swift message. **_Congratulations! When is the possession date?_**

He’s rinsed out his mouth by the time he gets his answer. **_Aug 1!_**

That’s just over a month away. It’s longer than he would like to wait, but Castiel will take any opportunity that arises to get to spend time with his friends. He carefully types out a response and crosses his fingers after he hits send.

**_Need help moving?_ **

He can only hope that Dean says ‘ _yes_ ’.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Any of my readers who follow me over on [my Tumblr](http://riseofthefallenone.tumblr.com) might already be aware of this - but it came to my attention last weekend that there were some glaring differences in the timeline of the _Companion Piece_ and the original _A Little Patience_ story. 
> 
> I have made corrections to the _Companion Piece_ that involve changes to ages and what school year it is. Which is why you're probably wondering what happened to Cas's senior year, right? [I made a master post of the changes right here](http://riseofthefallenone.tumblr.com/post/115461316158/edits-to-the-companion-piece) if you would like to review them. I am currently working on editing the original story to match it. I'm also constructing a timeline that will be available for viewing when I'm done.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Don’t worry about it. I get distracted by the German language all the time.” She sounds amused, if not a little confused. “Hold on. Cas, are you _studying_ during summer vacation?”
> 
> Castiel hunches his shoulders and looks down at all the notes spread across his lap. “I wouldn’t call it _studying_ , per se. I’m just brushing up on my German.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **There are no warnings for this chapter.**
> 
> This chapter takes place _during_ [Chapter One](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3739232) of the _A Little Patience_ storyline.

The days are simply _crawling_ by. Castiel can’t find enough to keep himself occupied and it’s driving him crazy. Why can’t it be the first of August yet? It’s only two weeks into his summer vacation before his first year in university and already he’s read through his summer reading list - which really only consisted of all the books Dean had recommended to him since the beginning of the year. Castiel wasn’t able to read for himself with all his school work, so he had to save them all for summer vacation.

Granted, it wasn’t a very long list to start with, but he’s still rather disappointed that it didn’t last him as long as he had hoped. It should have taken him a month if he actually did anything else. Now what is he supposed to do? To him, it feels like he might be spending the whole of July twiddling his thumbs while waiting for when he’ll be able to see Dean next. He wants to hang out with Sam and Jess too, but he has yet to come across something that he could invite them to do with him together – though he is keeping an eye out for that.

Even though he’s on vacation, Castiel can’t quite shake the habit of waking up early. Gabriel says he should be sleeping until _at least_ noon, but he’s up a good few hours before that most days. With nothing else to really do, Castiel has taken up jogging in the mornings. Running laps around the dojang has always been a part of his warm ups with his Taekwondo training and since he might not really be able to continue that once university starts, he still wants to keep in shape. Luckily, the university has a track and it has work out facilities where he might be able to find a punching bag for some practice in between classes.

When it comes to jogging, Castiel likes to it to the neighbourhood. He usually stays out for – well, it varies per day but it’s usually anywhere between thirty and sixty minutes. Unfortunately, that doesn’t eat up nearly as much time as Castiel hoped it would - even if he stops to take pictures of anything that catches his eye. Reading (when he had things to read) would then take up the rest of the day, but Castiel is a rather fast reader. If he does nothing but read, it only takes one (maybe two) days to finish an average sized book. With that pattern, he powered through the reading list in two weeks. Joy.

On the bright side, now that he’s read all the books that Dean suggested, they’re actually able to _talk_ about them. One of Castiel’s greatest fears about graduating and Dean leaving the café was that their communications would decrease over the summer until they eventually stopped. He thanks each of the new books in his memory banks for actually _increasing_ how much he and Dean have been talking over the last few weeks.

Dean’s shifts at the garage aren’t the same from day to day or week to week, so it’s a little hard to tell when he’s awake and when he’s working. As is stands, he apparently likes to sleep in much later than Castiel does on most days. He also goes to bed before Dean does, but that’s fine. It means he doesn’t have to suffer through any text messages about how Dean’s evening with Lisa is going. Perhaps _suffer_ is not the right word for that. Castiel mostly grins and bears his way through them, happy to be just speaking to Dean even if the content isn’t exactly his most favourite of conversations.

Honestly, the mornings are Castiel’s favourites. Since he’s usually awake before Dean, he’s not sure when would be an appropriate time to send him a message, so he doesn’t. Dean, on the other hand, texts shortly after he’s woken up – usually with something along the lines of what happened in his dreams or to whine about how he doesn’t want to be awake. Sam has informed Castiel that Dean does this texting while he’s in the bathroom and that they can’t break him out of that habit. Oddly enough, it doesn’t bother him.

If Dean wants to text him while he’s on the toilet, then that’s perfectly alright. Who is Castiel to complain when it gives him and Dean a chance to talk? They don’t really get the chance to speak during the day while Dean is working, so Castiel will take whatever time he can get. Though he does take a measure of pleasure in texting him goodnight whenever he goes to bed. Hopefully Sam and Jess won’t notice that he doesn’t do the same for them unless he’s actually having a conversation with either of them at that time.

He likes that sometimes during the day he’ll get a text message from Dean telling him about anything interesting that happened to him at the garage. And whenever Castiel finished one of the books Dean recommended, he would text Dean to let him know. Between the two of them, Dean is most definitely the one who has more interesting things happening. In two weeks, Castiel hasn’t done much of anything but read, run, and attend his Taekwondo classes. Even Sam and Jess have done more than him, but they both have full time jobs for the summer and that’s keeping them busy for the most part.

Castiel could tell Dean about his Taekwondo classes, but he feels like that might be something Dean would find boring. Though Castiel enjoys the sport, it just doesn’t seem like something other people would be interested in hearing about. The last thing he wants to do is _bore_ Dean to the point that he doesn’t want to talk to him. Which is entirely why he hasn’t told Dean about his hobby with photography. Dean has never mentioned anything about liking to take pictures, so what if he finds that boring too? It’s better to stray away from those topics than to risk it.

A safe topic for them is talking about the books that they’ve both read. Unfortunately, Castiel has run out of books and Dean only has television and movie suggestions now. None of which are anything that he’s really interested in. The premise of the majority of them sound intriguing, but only if he was to read them. It will be a long time yet before he finds staring at a screen to be entertaining. And the only reason he does that with his laptop is because he’s editing pictures and playing with the different effects he can put on them. The same can be said for his phone and his camera.

Well, if he needs things to do, there’s always the library. Maybe he’ll be able to find some books that _he_ can recommend to Dean. He has a fairly firm grasp on the genre Dean likes. It shouldn’t be _too_ hard to find something that they’ll both be able to enjoy.

*

While he did get a handful of novels Dean hasn’t read before that fall into the genre he likes, Castiel also managed to find a few books about the German language. It’s about time that he brushed up on his vocabulary and grammar anyways. Which means that since he came home from the library, Castiel has been sitting on his bed and making flash cards of the sentences and words from one of the books he borrowed.

Even though he’s a graduate now, Castiel doesn’t want to lose his fluency in both French and German. With his mother’s side of the family, he won’t ever lose the French, but he doesn’t know anyone who speaks German. The only time he ever gets to use it is when he purposefully goes looking for videos or articles in that particular language. It’s good practice, actually. His Chinese, however, is rather rusty. He’ll have to work on that next. After all, Castiel never really did finish teaching himself that language. There’s still _plenty_ more for him to learn.

Some might find it sad that Castiel is actually studying for fun, but learning other languages requires almost constant upkeep. If he doesn’t do something with them every other day, he’s fairly certain that he’s going to forget it. At least it’s going to keep him busy.

And it does – right up until his phone rings. Without thinking, he picks it up. Castiel is so focused that he doesn’t even bother checking the screen to see who it is. “Guten tag.” He winces. His pronunciation could use some work too.

There’s a moment of silence – of hesitation – before the person on the other end of the line speaks. “Cas?”

“Oh!” He puts down his notes and sits up straight. “Hello, Jess. Sorry, I was distracted.”

“Don’t worry about it. I get distracted by the German language all the time.” She sounds amused, if not a little confused. “Hold on. Cas, are you _studying_ during summer vacation?”

Castiel hunches his shoulders and looks down at all the notes spread across his lap. “I wouldn’t call it _studying_ , per se. I’m just brushing up on my German.”

“Since when do you know German?”

He leans back on his free hand and looks at the ceiling, thinking about it. “For about… Five years now? Possibly six. I’m a bit fuzzy on when I started learning it.”

“Sam! Sam!” Jess must pull the phone away from her mouth. Shouting for Sam doesn’t hurt his ear nearly as much as it could have. “Sam, guess what!” Castiel can’t hear Sam’s voice in the background, but he must respond. “Did you know that Cas knows _German_?”

He strains to hear Sam this time, but there’s nothing more than traffic rumbling in the background and the murmur of voices on the street. Disappointed, Castiel waits for Jess’s attention to be back on him again. It’s not a long wait. “Sam says that’s badass and wants to know if you listen to a band called _Rammstein_? I think I’ve heard of them before…”

“I have a few of their songs, but I’m not that big into industrial metal music.” Castiel shrugs and moves the notes off his lap. It’s about time that he stretched his legs anyways. “I generally save that kind of music for when I’m in a dark mood.”

“Does that happen a lot for you?”

“Not particularly.” He rolls his shoulders as he gets up from the bed.

After another pause, Sam is the one on the phone. “You need to stop getting more awesome. At one point, you’re going to explode and it’s going to rain awesome from the skies.”

“So then I shouldn’t tell you that I’m also fluent in French and I have a passing understanding of Chinese?” Castiel can’t help but grin. His mother is very proud of him for learning languages, but he’s never actually _shared_ that he knows them with anyone else.

“Holy shit, Jess. Cas knows _Chinese_ too.”

She must be standing much closer than Sam was, because Castiel can easily hear her surprised; “No way!” over the rest of the traffic and general hubbub of a city street.

A blush heats his cheeks and even though he’s alone in the apartment, Castiel still ducks his head and runs a nervous hand through his hair. He’s never been one to purposefully boast about the things he can do, but having Jess and Sam be amazed by the things he knows makes him feel good. It makes him feel better than he’s ever felt about any of the things filling up his head.

“It’s official. You’re our coolest friend.” Sam sounds so finite in his decision that Castiel can’t even bring himself to doubt it. “That even trumps _Dean_. Don’t tell him that, though. He’ll be pretty much impossible to live with if he knows we don’t worship the ground he walks on.”

Odd, Castiel is fairly certain that Sam and Jess have never treated Dean like that before. Oh! It must be a joke. His smile grows into a laugh and Sam joins in with him. “I promise I’ll do my best to keep it a secret.” He waits for Jess to stop giggling in the background before he turns the conversation a little. It’s never good to let it linger on his accomplishments. In his experience, that just makes people annoyed with him. “May I ask why you’re calling?”

“Oh yeah.” Sam laughs again. “Look out your bedroom window.”

“My –” Castiel turns around sharply and takes the few steps to the window. Sam and Jess are standing on the opposite side of the street and they’re both waving – Jess using two arms to do it. Out of courtesy, Castiel waves back. “What are you doing here?”

Sam shrugs and he throws an arm around Jess’s shoulders. “We were in the area to pick up something for her parents and we thought we’d stop by to see if you’re home. Want to come grab a late lunch with us? We hear there’s a decent café in the area.”

He glances at the clock and winces. How did he completely forget to have lunch while he was visiting the library? If he has lunch now, he’ll likely not have room for supper later. Well, he could always have a late dinner. How often does he have friends randomly invite him out to eat with them? Never. This is one of the first – since he doesn’t count the dessert date he had with them and Gabriel on the day they received their final grades.

“I’d love to. Let me just grab a few things and I’ll meet you downstairs in a minute.” Castiel is already pocketing his wallet on his way out of his bedroom. “I don’t think Gabriel will be there by the time we arrive. Kali was going to pick him up for their own plans tonight.”

“That’s fine. We’re here to hang out with you, not your big brother.” Jess answers him and it takes Castiel a moment to realize that she must have snatched her phone back from Sam. “We’re going to cross the street and we’ll meet you at the front of your building!”

Excitement twitches through him and Castiel stumbles with trying to get his shoes on. “Alright, see you there!” He hangs up and shoves the phone in his pocket so he can devote two hands to getting his runners on and laced up properly.

This is such a nice treat and Castiel can’t help but hope that they’ll be able to make additional plans for later this week or next week or for some point during the rest of the summer. At some point, he’s really going to need to work on being able to ask his friends out on his own. He doesn’t have the luxury of studying anymore, but there are plenty of other things they should be able to do – hopefully.

*

“Cassie!” Gabriel calls his name as he bangs on the bathroom door. “For the love of all that is holy and sugar filled, will you get out of there already? My _eyeballs_ are floating here!”

Well that’s just highly unlikely and Castiel makes sure to drag his heels as punishment for making him get out of the shower early. Gabriel wasn’t even home when he went to take one to relax from a nice evening out with his friends. After an early dinner, Jess and Sam had gone with Castiel to the park where they sat on the grass and watched the people passing. They talked about their plans for Stanford and their living arrangements, and they talked about their future plans.

He had a wonderful time and now Gabriel is _ruining_ it. “I’ll be out in a minute. If it’s that pressing an issue, you can relieve yourself in the kitchen sink!” Or he can go in one of the many, _many_ potted plants he has scattered around the apartment.

“How about I use your _bed_?” Gabriel hisses through the door and jiggles the handle, making the whole thing rattle in its frame. “Cassie, I need to _go_. I drank too much at dinner and I can’t hold it any longer! Let me _in_. I don’t care if you’re naked!”

“Yes, but _I_ do.” Castiel wraps a towel a towel around his waist after using it to quickly dry off the rest of his body. “I told you I’m just going to be a minute. Hold on.”

When he unlocks the door, Castiel is nearly knocked off his feet as Gabriel pushes past. He doesn’t look back as he shuts the door behind him and crosses the hall into his bedroom. Once that door is shut firmly and Castiel is certain that the blinds are closed over his windows, he finishes drying off and changes into his pajamas. It’s not too late, but it’s late enough. Sam and Jess caught the latest bus they felt comfortable taking back to Sam’s apartment – which is where they’re going to sweet talk Dean into driving Jess home.

Speaking of Dean, there’s a message from him waiting on Castiel’s phone. The blinking notification light catches his attention while he’s pulling his pajama shirt on. With a few quick swipes, Castiel opens it and reads while running a towel over his hair.

**_So ur never gonna guess what happened to me today!_ **

Smiling, Castiel sits on the edge of his bed and picks up his phone to answer it. **_You worked today. I’ll hazard the guess that it involves cars or people in some way. Narrow down my options. Which is it?_**

The towel is hanging up to dry on the back of his bedroom door by the time Dean answers. **_Cars!_**

Interesting. But Castiel still needs more data before he can give a more concrete answer. He moves some of his language materials out of the way as he makes himself comfortable on the bed, thinking about which question to ask next.

Once decided, he types it out quickly. **_Are you injured?_**

Dean’s messages are quick, so he must not be driving Jess at the moment. **_Just my dignity :)_**

Castiel takes another minute to think about it before he decides he knows what happened. **_You were under a car and something ruptured. You ended up covered in all sorts of grease._**

 ** _Goddamn Cas how did u know??_** Dean sends another message immediately afterward. **_Happened on the last car of the day 2 :( can’t get in baby while I’m dirty_**

 ** _That’s a pity._** He chews his bottom lip and stares at the first message. Should he still answer it? Would it be alright if he tries and makes a joke of it? Castiel isn’t very good at jokes, but Dean always seems to find them amusing and he plays along with them well enough.

Oh, what the hell. He holds his breath as he types out his message and hopes it isn’t _too_ dumb. **_I know because I teach divination. I’m afraid that because you’re a muggle I’m going to need to obliviate your memories now._** It’s been a long time since he read any of the Harry Potter series, but he’s fairly sure that he got most of that correct. Castiel even goes as far as to cross his fingers.

When the phone vibrates with the next message, he does his best not to flinch from it. Dean’s answer brings with it a wave of relief and Castiel relaxes significantly. **_U work @ a magic school & didn’t tell me??? RUDE!!_**

A laugh bubbles in his chest and he bites it back if only so Gabriel doesn’t come to investigate. **_My apologies. To make it up to you I’ll leave your memories intact, but you MUST keep my secret._**

 ** _I will but only if u tell me my fate_** His response takes a little longer to arrive, but Castiel doesn’t mind. He has to organize his German notes and move them off his bed before he can actually get comfortable and maybe read a little.

Castiel shakes his head as he sends his answer. **_I envision several showers in your immediate future as well as the use of your car in driving a wonderful blonde woman home tonight._**

The next text that comes is a screenshot from Dean’s phone with a message from Sam asking him to drive Jess when he finally gets home. It’s immediately followed by another message. **_WITCHCRAFT!!_**

He can no longer retain his laughter but he does try to keep it quiet. Gabriel hasn’t made a peep since he came out of the bathroom, so he might either be in the living room or the kitchen. Either that or he’s being very quiet in his bedroom. In any case, Castiel’s bedroom walls touch all of those rooms and if he’s too loud, Gabriel will be able to hear him. He’s still rather touchy with the knowledge that Dean texts his little brother a lot and, as a matter of courtesy, Castiel tries not to flaunt it.

**_I’m going 2 try for my 3rd shower now wish me luck!_ **

It’s Dean’s last message for the night, but it makes Castiel smile as he sends the requested wish. He likes being able to make references with Dean. In the beginning, there were so many that he didn’t get in their communications that when he _did_ understand the Harry Potter ones, Dean was impressed. Unfortunately, Dean knows more about the movies than he does the books, but that doesn’t seem to matter. He still gave Castiel gold stars for having read them in the first place.

In fact, Dean had made it a point to say that he’d read the books _and_ seen the movies, and that he enjoyed the entire franchise. Harry Potter was one of the first series that they actually discussed things about to the point that there were times when they had to agree to disagree and find a whole new topic to discuss between themselves. It was wonderful. And reading all the books that Dean suggested has only opened up _more_ things. Castiel loves it.

As he puts his phone away and picks up his flashcards again, he can’t help but wonder if Dean texts Lisa as much as they do. Does he have the same kind of conversations with her? What is their relationship _really_ like? These are all questions and thoughts born out of jealousy and Castiel hates them from the very moment when they form in his mind. Each one leaves a bad taste in his mouth and he forcibly turns his attention to the German written neatly on his flash cards. If he focuses on these, maybe he’ll be able to forget about it.

If there is one thing that Castiel absolutely _refuses_ to be, it’s the kind of person who has a crush on their friend and then spends their time thinking bad things about their perfectly nice partners. His experience with Lisa may be short, but Castiel has no reason to dislike her. He isn’t that kind of hateful person and he will absolutely _not_ think mean things about people he barely knows – even if they’re a part of why he can’t have what he wants.

Actually, to be fair, Castiel doesn’t even _know_ what it is that he wants. All he knows right now is that he likes Dean. _How_ he likes Dean has yet to be determined, exactly. There are things he would like to do with him that _might_ be acceptable as things that friends do, but to his understanding they’re more likely things to be done among romantic couples. They would need to be _extremely_ good friends (possibly friends for _years_ ) to have the level of knowledge about each other that Castiel wants for the friendship that he has with Dean.

With a frustrated sigh, he shoves all his flash cards into their box and stacks everything on his nightstand. He flops back on his bed and drapes an arm over his eyes. It’s _this_ feeling that he’s glad he managed to avoid all throughout high school. Being undecided and confused about his feelings and his relationships is something that should be reserved for _teenagers_. Castiel will be eighteen in September, but he should be _past_ when all of this happens.

As Dean would put it; the drama ship has sailed. He never got on it and he doesn’t plan on doing that anytime soon. But it might turn around and come back for him if he keeps on thinking about Dean in this way. He likes him _as a friend_. That is all it should be. Right? Right. Everything else is just – It’s just him being overly attached to his first friend. Once he’s adjusted to actually _having_ friends, then these feelings will go away.

But of course that means there’s nothing else he can do aside from struggle with it in the meantime.

Groaning, Castiel covers his face with his hands. What if this only gets _worse_? What if, by acknowledging that he might actually have feelings for Dean, he somehow ends up having _sexual_ feelings for him? No, that’s impossible. Dean can certainly make his heart beat a little harder than most, but _no one_ has been able to bring about any sexual _desires_ in him. Castiel has thus far successfully managed to keep himself from thinking about what it would be like if he was the one Dean was kissing instead of Lisa and he refuses to even try imagining it.

If, by some horrible twist of fate he _does_ end up thinking perverse things about Dean, life would only get harder for him. Castiel hasn’t even _thought_ about things like that yet and he’s already feeling guilty for it. Gabriel has told him that dirty thoughts aren’t anything to be ashamed or guilty about, but at the time he was always telling him that seconds after having turned off what Castiel was fairly sure was a pornographic movie. Either way, this is mostly just a product of his upbringing in Church run boarding schools. He just doesn’t have the care to try and fight just yet, is all.

Though that might be just as bad as actually _having_ those feelings.

There’s a nagging sensation at the back of Castiel’s mind that has been there ever since puberty. It’s a little voice that continues to whisper to him that he’s _broken_ in some way. When puberty struck, all the other boys his age began showing interest in girls. They talked about them constantly and said perverse things that they thought about or wanted to do. It would often end with them getting detention if any of the teachers heard them talking like that. But the fact remains is that they _thought_ that. Everyone did. Everyone except for Castiel.

He never looked at the girls like that. And when he learned about homosexuality, he thought that might be why – except for the fact that he didn’t look at boys like that either. From his point of view, he is an anomaly. At seventeen and three quarters, Castiel Collins has never been sexually attracted to anyone and it scares him. It scares him that he finds both genders equally attractive, but he has no interest in them beyond that. It terrifies him that he has nothing more than empty hormones, disappointing orgasms, and the lingering religious guilt that follows any unsatisfying masturbating he does in the shower if he ever feels like it.

Is it possible that he’s bisexual? Gabriel says that’s what Dean is – even though Castiel has only ever seen him flirt with women. So far, _he_ is the only man he has seen Dean make an advance on – if he would even call that flirting. All Dean did was be friendly with him prior to giving him his number. Following that, he immediately stopped all possible flirtations. Very soon after that, he started going out with Lisa. All in all, Castiel isn’t entirely sold on the possibility of Dean being bisexual. But what if _he_ is? After all, he _does_ find both men and women equally attractive – though he has thus far not experienced sexual desire towards any of them.

A frustrated sigh follows Castiel as he sits up again. This is getting him nowhere. He doesn’t know what to do or what to think. There just isn’t enough information in his head for it. If he wants to be able to make a proper decision, he needs to do research – starting with sexuality. Maybe if he can find something about the different kinds out there then he’ll be able to form a better picture of what he might be. If he knows more about himself, he might be able to figure out a way to get better control of it and completely stop this crush on Dean in its tracks.

And that means he needs his laptop.

Castiel seats himself at his desk and turns his laptop on. His leg starts bouncing with anticipation as he thinks about the different things he should search for. Honestly, he doesn’t really know where to start. Maybe asexuality might be the best place? He knows very little about that to start with. All Castiel knows is that it is characterized by a lack of sexual attraction or thereabouts. Perhaps that’s him? But he still _has_ a sex drive – as unsatisfying as it is when he gives in to dealing with it by means of his left hand.

There’s so much to know and Castiel wants to learn all about it. He wants to learn about _himself_ , because he’s fairly certain that he just doesn’t fit into any of the more mainstream sexualities. Before he can even begin to understand his feelings for Dean, he needs to understand all of himself first. Thank God for the ever knowledgeable Google search engine.

While Castiel may think that it _felt_ like he was the only person in his school feeling like this, he knows that it is scientifically impossible that he is the _only_ person to _ever_ be worried about this. The internet is a melting pot full of experiences and he only needs to find the right combination of words to find those stories. It’s far better that he ask the internet at this point as opposed to asking Gabriel. That would be a pointless endeavor and would likely only serve to make Gabriel wonder why he’s interested in his sexuality. If that led to Gabriel finding out about Castiel’s possible feelings for Dean – well, he doesn’t exactly want to think about what would happen then.

Things were bad enough when Gabriel thought they were only talking at the café. Then he learned that they were texting and his relationship with Dean was only further strained by it. Castiel fears that Gabriel might actually implode if learned of his crush. He’d implode and then find some way to skin Dean alive from the grave, or something equally hideous. It's a small blessing that they don't work together anymore. That alone has brought their contact down to nothing and means that Gabriel won't be able to find anything else he could claim annoys him about Dean.

He doesn't even have his browser open yet and Castiel is already being distracted by his thoughts. The whole reason he sat down at his laptop was to search up on sexuality, not for him to waste time sitting here thinking about how overprotective his older brother can be. With a great deal of effort, Castiel puts Gabriel and his altogether unfounded issues with Dean out of his head. His laptop has fully turned on and with a few clicks of his mouse, Google is open in front of him - ready and waiting for his search.

It would help if Castiel could do more than just stare at the screen.

Alright. He knows what to look up. With a deep breath, he types in the search bar ' _lack of sexual desires_ 'and hits enter, hoping for the best.

*

“Come in.” Castiel lowers his laptop screen to hide what he's been looking at and glances over his shoulder at his bedroom door.

Kali opens it and takes a step inside. She has a flour-speckled apron around her waist and a smile on her lips. “Lunch is going to be ready in a few minutes. Would you like to eat with us in the kitchen or I can bring it to you here if you're busy?”

Since it's the weekend, Gabriel invited Kali over. Her kitchen might be bigger than his, but all the supplies they needed for today were already here. They've spent most of the morning in the kitchen making cupcakes to take to a birthday party for Kali's niece. Castiel has kept himself in his bedroom to stay out of their way and to continue reading up on the many different kinds of asexuality that exist. It's a fascinating subject and he sincerely wishes that he would have learned about the many facets of it earlier in life. Things would have been far less confusing for him had he known about such things as graysexuality, demisexuality, and even about all the other sexualities like pansexuality.

Currently he has a webpage open about demisexuality and demiromantics. Both definitions and explanations regarding them feel the most right to him, but he wants to read more into everything until he’s absolutely certain about what he is. Until he knows for sure, he doesn't want anyone - not even Gabriel - to know what he's researching. Which means that he's keeping even Kali away from his laptop.

“If there's room for me, I wouldn't mind eating with the both of you.”

“Of course there's room.” Kali laughs and steps back into the hallway. “We tried something new today, so I hope you like it.”

He smiles and closes his laptop completely as he stands. “I'm sure I will. You have yet to make anything that I haven't found delicious.” He would have liked to help, but Gabriel has completely banned him from doing anything beyond stirring the pots. That would have just put him in the way while they’re busy making both lunch _and_ a couple dozen cupcakes.

“Flattery will only get you an extra cupcake before we leave for the party.” Her smile grows and she winks at him as Gabriel shouts from the kitchen.

“Cassie has been holed up in his room for _days_! He doesn't get dessert until he tells me what the hell he's been doing in there!”

Kali rolls her eyes and heads back to the kitchen, though their conversation can still be heard. “He's a growing teenage boy on summer break with an internet connection, Gabriel. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.”

Castiel is confused right up until Gabriel starts making gagging noises. He winces the moment he figures it out. Kali couldn’t be more wrong. Well, maybe she’s not _that_ far off the mark, actually. What he was doing had to do with sexuality, to be sure. But he most definitely wasn’t touching himself. Castiel is fairly certain that’s what her comment was about.

While he washes his hand before dinner, he thinks upon everything that he’s learned. He _does_ have some form a sex drive, though it seems to be lower than the norm. That could easily be contributed to the fact that he doesn’t have anyone that he’s interested in right now. Well, he _might_ have an interest in Dean – but that’s not sexual and he hopes it doesn’t ever go there. He doesn’t want sexual desires to ruin his friendship with Dean. This possible crush (because he absolutely refuses to completely accept it as such) is bad enough.

But – since he is apparently capable of some form of romantic feelings, that would mean Castiel is not aromantic. He is not _completely_ asexual either since he does want to have sex at some point. But what apparently puts him under the umbrella of asexuality – and therefore most likely into the category of demisexuality – is that he doesn’t want sex with just anyone. What he wants for any possible future sexual activities is to be with someone he knows well and is romantically involved with.

The only problem with that is how Castiel isn’t sure if demisexuality is constrained to the opposite sex or if it includes something like bisexuality. After all, if he has a crush on Dean, then he can’t be heterosexual, right? He’s also fairly certain that he isn’t strictly homosexual either. Perhaps pansexual would be more appropriate? To him, as long as they’re romantically compatible then he doesn’t have much care for what gender his future partner might identify as or what their sex is – as those are apparently two very different things.

As far as Castiel is concerned, he is demiromantic. It’s just about the only thing he _does_ know for certain after the last few days of educating himself. He hasn’t felt any romantic feelings for anyone that he hasn’t already developed an emotional connection with. Granted, his emotional connection to his pen pal was tenuous at best, but he did have slight crush on them then. And his emotional connection to Dean is nothing more than friendship – with a possible crush that shouldn’t even exist in the first place. If their friendship actually does continue to flourish (as he hopes it will), Castiel has his fingers crossed that his crush won’t go haywire and develop into any full blown romantic feelings.

Honestly, it’s just plain ridiculous that none of this was taught in school. Castiel would have _loved_ to know all of this during his formative years instead of struggling for his entire teenage life with feeling like he just doesn’t _fit in_ with anyone else. If he knew about this and that there were others like him, he might have had an easier time with – well – _everything_. Labels may not be something that he feels like he _needs_ in his life, but they certainly help with feeling like he isn’t alone. There are others out there like him and there are actual terms for it. This is wonderful!

Either way, Castiel doesn’t really feel comfortable calling himself any sort of sexuality until he has actually experienced sexual attraction. Until then, he’ll continue to do research and hopefully find what he feels suits him best. But it’s comforting to know that he falls under the graysexual spectrum somewhere, even if he hasn’t found an exact spot yet. It’s a start, and that’s miles more than he had a few days ago. He may not be ready to share this discovey with anyone yet, but it has certainly made Castiel feel better about himself.

*

Gabriel drums his fingers on the steering wheel loud enough to be heard over his music. It’s like they’re drumming straight against Castiel’s nerves and he’s doing his best to not just jump out of the car at this red light and walk the rest of the way to Sam and Dean’s current and soon to be _old_ apartment. If he wasn’t morally opposed to taking the bus, Castiel would have done that instead of having Gabriel drive him halfway across town for this.

He just barely manages not to flinch when Gabriel clears his throat. “So…” After a lengthy pause and at least two side-glances, he continues. “Never knew you were one to help someone move, Cassie.”

Did they not already go through this when he asked for the ride in the first place? Castiel sighs and looks out the window. “I’ve never had anyone to extend the offer to.”

“Ex _cuse_ me?” Gabriel sounds offended, but obviously he isn’t. He knows very well that Castiel had been living in a boarding school on the other side of the country whenever he moved into an apartment. There was no way he could have done anything to help Gabriel move at those times.

When he doesn’t answer, Gabriel sighs dramatically. “Fine, fine.” He hits the accelerator when the light changes to green and Castiel utters a brief prayer that he’ll actually survive the rest of the trip. It might’ve been safer to bundle up in a canon and fire himself across the sky.

They turn a corner onto the street Dean and Sam won’t be living on after today and Castiel starts checking building numbers to see how close they are. He’s only half paying attention when Gabriel starts speaking again. “Look, Cassie, I know you like the guy –”

“I don’t _like_ him.” Castiel answers before he’s even fully realizes what he’s said. Worse yet, he sounds _defensive_ and he tightens his fist against his thigh. Oh no. Gabriel is going to sink his teeth into that and he’s never going to let go.

“Oh really?” There it is. _There_ is Gabriel’s curious and teasing tone. It’s the voice he uses when he knows he just stumbled across something juicy. “But I thought you said that Dean is your _friend_ , Cassie?”

He grits his teeth and takes a deep breath through his nose. If he answers, he’ll just be continuing what is sure to be a terrible conversation. If he _doesn’t_ answer, it will be playing right into Gabriel’s hands and only God knows where that would lead. This is a lose-lose situation and Castiel doesn’t like it, but one of them is the lesser of two evils.

“Dean _is_ my friend.”

Gabriel is giving him a suspicious look and it’s making Castiel nervous for more than just the fact that he doesn’t have his eyes on the road. “But you just said you didn’t like him. Make up your mind, little bro, you’re confusing me here.”

Castiel’s knuckles are turning white and he hopes to all things holy that Gabriel won’t make a big deal out of this. “I’m going there to help him _and_ Sam. They _both_ happen to be my friends and I only like Dean _as a friend_.”

Out of some sick curiosity, Castiel dares to glance at Gabriel to see his reaction. To his surprise, Gabriel _also_ looks surprised. Both of his eyebrows are raised, but at least his eyes are on the road again. “Ye-e-e-eah… That’s what I meant in the first place.”

Well isn’t that just peachy. Castiel just stuck his foot in his mouth (something he can actually do if he tried) and now Gabriel is _on to something_. That something is a crush that hasn’t gone away yet and has, in fact, only gotten worse. On more than one occasion, Castiel has caught his mind drifting to that Lisa-less fantasy world where _he_ is the one who gets to do the things that Dean texts him about. Such as last weekend when Dean went to the beach with Lisa and a bunch of their friends to celebrate someone’s birthday. Castiel had spent half of Saturday thinking about how much fun it would be to lay on a beach and read books together with Dean, or swim with him, or eat boardwalk French fries with him.

This is a curse. Someone has cursed him to try and ruin his friendship. That’s the only reason that Castiel can come up with for why his stupid heart isn’t listening to what he’s telling it to stop doing.

“Castiel.” Gabriel says his name slowly, his tone dangerous. “Is there something you’re not telling me?”

He poses the question just as he’s pulling to a stop on the other side of the street from Dean’s building. Castiel knows it’s the right place because Jess and Lisa are busy moving boxes from the sidewalk into a hatchback car that has had all its seats folded down. He doesn’t waste a moment with unbuckling his seat belt and all but springing out of the car.

“No, Gabriel, there is nothing to tell you.” It’s hard not to answer _too_ quickly, but it definitely sounds like he’s hiding something. “I’ll text you when we’re done if I can’t get a ride home.” Before he can be given any kind of snide answer, Castiel slams the door and starts checking both ways in preparation to cross the street behind Gabriel’s car.

But of course Gabriel just has to roll down his window to have the last word. “Don’t let him do anything weird to you, Cassie!”

“I’m sure I don’t know _what_ you’re talking about!” He calls over his shoulder and sprints across the road before the next group of cars come. Castiel doesn’t look back and he definitely doesn’t check to see if Gabriel has left. If he pays any more attention to him, who knows what else Gabriel might say. He crosses his fingers and hopes that Jess and Lisa didn’t hear the last snippet of that conversation.

In front of the building, there is a beaten up old pickup truck parked just before the hatchback car that Jess and Lisa are putting boxes into. There are more boxes in the back of the truck and the latch door is down, so it’s not that far of a leap to assume that the truck is there for moving too. Castiel wonders who it belongs to and he tries not to worry that the Impala is nowhere in sight. There are plenty of reasons for why Dean’s car isn’t here and few of them mean that Castiel won’t get to see him today.

Jess and Lisa are both leaning through the trunk of the car, trying to move some boxes and make everything fit. Castiel glances through the window and plays a brief game of mental Tetris with the boxes. “If you turn that longer one in the other direction and have it against the back of the seats, you’ll have the room to fit that one.” Specifically, he is referring to the larger one that Jess and Lisa are trying to shove into a too-small space.

“You made it!” With a laugh, Jess ducks out of the car and comes around to give Castiel a hug. “Sam said you were going to help but I didn’t know when you were going to come.”

“I wouldn’t miss assisting my friends with moving. I’m excited to help out.” Castiel returns her hug stiffly. It will be a while yet before he’s used to them. “I hope I’m not too late?”

Lisa laughs as she rearranges the boxes per Castiel’s suggestion. Her voice is slightly muffled through the car. “Dean got the keys to the new place this morning, but we haven’t brought anything over yet. There’s a whole apartment to move still.” She flashes him a grin through the windows. “You’re here just in time for all the heavy lifting.”

“Between the five of us, I’m sure we’ll be fine.” Castiel tries to return her smile, but he’s afraid that he might fall a little short in some aspects. There’s a bitter little monster living in his chest and he’s doing his best not to let it affect him _too_ much.

“Four of us, actually.” Jess sighs and she looks at Castiel sadly. “Someone called in sick at the garage and Dean was offered double pay to cover the shift. You missed him by, like, half an hour.”

With the boxes rearranged, Lisa withdraws from the car and dusts her hands on her jeans. “And that’s why we’re _really_ happy that you’re here. Having another pair of hands is going to help a lot.” She pauses and glances at the truck. “I guess I’ll drive Benny’s truck and one of you can drive my car? If one of us had driven Dean, we could have had the Impala to help.”

It’s harder than it should be for Castiel to keep the disappointment out of his voice and off his face. “I doubt Dean would have allowed us to bring boxes or furniture anywhere near his baby. There would have been too high a risk of scratching.” He had been so looking forward to getting to see Dean today. Will he ever have another chance to see him again?

“Good point.” She laughs and walks around the car to the few boxes still piled on the sidewalk. Castiel and Jess follow her. “We’re just going to have to make do with what we have.”

Jess picks up one of the boxes and turns to Castiel. “Sam has the dolly and he’s bringing down the boxes. You could give him a hand with that, if you want? There are two dollies up there and half a billion boxes.” She rolls her eyes and uses her hip to support the box. “Not to mention probably a hundred garbage bags full of clothes.”

“Don’t forget that there’s _actual_ garbage and recycling up there that we have to take out.” Lisa reminds them as she loads her own box into the car. “Plus there’s still all the cleaning we have to do if Dean and Sam want most – or all – of their deposit back.”

It sounds like a lot of work. Good thing Castiel is well prepared to work up a sweat and get his hands dirty. When he told Gabriel that this was what he was going to spend his day doing, he had to suffer through an entire breakfast of listening to a rant about what moving would actually entail. He doesn’t mind. Even if Dean isn’t here and Castiel doesn’t get to see him, Sam and Jess are his friends too and he’s here to help no matter what.

Despite Jess’s exaggeration, Castiel still glances between the hatchback and the truck. “Do we have enough space for everything?” He’s never been in their apartment so he doesn’t exactly know what kind of furniture they have, but he’s fairly certain a pickup truck and a car won’t be able to fit it all even though it was only a one bedroom apartment.

“Unfortunately, no.” Lisa pats the roof of her car before she goes for the last box on the sidewalk. Castiel picks it up for her and she takes it from him. “We’re going to just have to fit as many bags and boxes as we can in my car, steal one of the dollies from here, and take it on over to the new place.” She stops to tilt her head toward the truck. “All the bigger furniture is going to go in the truck, but we’re doomed to having to make more than a few trips to get everything over.”

Castiel frowns between the two vehicles. “Wouldn’t it be easier to rent a U-Haul truck?” They come in various sizes and one of the smaller ones could easily fit an apartment’s worth of furniture plus several boxes and bags.

Jess shakes her head and pulls out her cell phone, presumably to text Sam. “We suggested it, but Dean didn’t want to spring for one. The best he was able to get is borrowing that old truck off of Benny – one of his coworkers at the garage.”

“What if I pay for the truck?” He makes the offer tentatively, hoping that he isn’t stepping on any toes. If Castiel can help make this move easier on everyone, then he would be more than happy to do it. “We have three drivers here with you two and Sam. The moving truck could fit the majority of everything and the pickup and car can take the rest. We would only need to make one trip. And once everything has been moved into the new apartment, we’ll have more time to come back here and clean up.”

By the time he’s finished talking, both Jess and Lisa are staring at him. Lisa opens and closes her mouth a few times before she finds her voice. “You can’t do that, Cas.”

“Why not?” He tilts his head and frowns slightly. “I never got Dean or Sam any birthday presents because I didn’t know them very well at the time. And I don’t have a housewarming gift for their new apartment.” Castiel had actually researched that, but he didn’t have the time to get something and he had no clue what Dean or Sam might actually need. “This is the least I can do.”

Lisa’s smile softens and she strides over to pull Castiel into a hug. “I can see why Dean likes you.”

Caught between a blush and a sour burn at the back of his throat at just how _nice_ Lisa is, Castiel can only duck his head and shrug. “I can’t drive, so I’m afraid that three of us will need to go to the U-Haul location together to get the truck.”

Jess squeezes between them to get a hug of her own in before she waves her phone under Castiel’s nose. “Sam is going to be down in a minute with another load of boxes. We can spring your plan on him then, pack everything up and leave him here to watch over everything while we book it to the truck rentals. Sound good?”

It sounds fine, not that he would say anything if it didn’t. Castiel can only nod and wait with them for Sam. He’s down in mere moments, pushing a flatbed dolly loaded with boxes. There’s a wide smile splitting his face from ear to ear and he claps Castiel on the shoulder as soon as he’s close enough for it.

“You, Cas, are a _lifesaver_.” Sam immediately passes a box to him so they can start getting everything loaded into the car as soon as possible. “Without Dean and the Impala, I thought this was going to end up taking forever. The plan was to put all the bags of clothes in his car, save the truck for the furniture, and put all the boxes in Lisa’s car. We’re going to have to make more trips now, but at least we’re still going to have a fourth pair of hands!”

Castiel smiles and heads around to the trunk of the car to put his box down. “About that…”

In a rush, Jess and Lisa explain to Sam what Castiel’s proposed plan entails. It might be a stretch, but it almost looks as if he’s about to cry when he turns with a box in his hands. “I take it back. You’re not a lifesaver, you’re a _godsend._ ” He shoves the box into the back of the car and gestures. “The three of you will fit in the truck. Take it now and I’ll finish getting those boxes into this.”

“Are you sure? We could –”

Sam stops him with a wave of his hand. “I need something to do while I’m waiting for you guys and watching all our shit. Just go.”

“Come on, Cas.” Jess grabs his arm and starts dragging him toward the pickup. “I’ll take middle seat. The quicker we get this over with, the sooner we’ll have _everything_ done!”

And that is how Castiel finds himself alone in the cab of a stranger’s truck with Jess sitting between him and Lisa. It’s actually not as weird as he thought it would be. He gets along fine with Jess, even without Sam around. What had concerned him most about today was seeing Dean and Lisa _together_. He was saved from that by Dean’s absence, sadly. But now he’s spending time with Lisa and, in all honesty, Castiel had thought that things would be awkward between them. She doesn’t know about his little crush on Dean, but _Castiel_ knows. He knows and it’s only getting worse by the day.

Thank the Heavens for Jess and her wonderful ability to make conversation with everyone. They’re barely on the road for more than a few minutes before she’s drawn him and Lisa into a discussion about what they’ll be doing when they attend University. Lisa has already graduated with a degree in physical education and she’s working as a P.E. teacher in a high school by where she lives. She spends most of the drive telling them all about what university was like for her and that it will be some of the absolute best times of their lives.

Castiel sincerely doubts it.

The difference between them is that _Lisa_ got to do something she wanted to do. He has to go into medicine. It’s what his family has wanted from him since he was born and it is expected of him. If he doesn’t become a doctor, Father will be _furious_. It’s honestly terrifying to think about what would happen if he didn’t do as he’s been told.

At least the ride back to the apartment from the U-Haul truck rental is quieter. Jess is more focused on driving than she is talking and Castiel is preoccupied with his phone. It had rang while he was busy paying for the truck and Lisa was signing the paperwork. No message had been left, but a text message was received shortly afterward. Castiel didn’t check his phone until he got back into the pickup truck with Jess and was pleased to see that it was from Dean.

**_Thanks 4 renting the truck Cas!!_ **

**_It was no problem. Anything I can do to help. :)_** Just like his emoticon, Castiel is smiling. Sam must have contacted Dean to let him know of their plans. The fact that Dean took the time in his busy shift to try and call him as thanks is more than enough to bring a smile to his face.

He doesn’t expect Dean to respond immediately. **_Sorry I didn’t get to c u 2day :( I’ll pay u back 4 the truck OK? Promise!_**

Castiel sighs and shakes his head as he types a response of his own. **_You don’t need to do that. This is a gift. :) Congratulations on your new apartment._**

Once he lowers the phone, waiting to see if Dean responds, Castiel becomes very much aware that someone is staring at him. That someone in particular is Jess and she has a sly smile painted across her lips. “I bet you five bucks that it’s Dean texting you.”

“You would win.” He turns his smile on her before checking his phone when it buzzes. There’s just another thank you and a half dozen smiley faces. Would it be appropriate to answer that or should he let Dean get back to work?

“Does that mean you’re going to give me five dollars?” She sounds hopeful.

It makes Castiel laugh and he shakes his head. “I never accepted the bet.”

“Damn.” Jess sighs loudly and leans back in her seat a bit. “It’s really too bad that you missed him, you know? He was totally all set to start lifting heavy things.”

That piques his curiosity. It’s Dean’s _company_ he’s sad to have missed. Why would it matter if he was lifting things or not? “I don’t understand.”

When they pull up to a red light and Lisa stops behind them in the U-Haul, Jess takes the moment to turn to Cas and waggle her eyebrows. “He had on some _really_ tight jeans. A bit ratty around the cuffs and knees, but they sure did fit him _nicely_.” Oh. She means that he would have been attractive while was lifting things. “And you should’ve seen his tank top, Cas. It was _white_ and it was _so_ tight.”

Heat is starting to crawl up the back of Castiel’s neck and he’s doing his best not to actually picture anything. He already has a crush on Dean. The last thing that he needs now is to be aroused by Jess’s description. Luckily, Castiel has yet to be sexually attracted to Dean. But imagining it might make that hit at the most inopportune time and he most definitely doesn’t want today to be that moment. He shrugs and looks out the window, trying to act like what she’s telling him doesn’t matter to him in the slightest.

“Man, it really sucks.” She sighs again as the light turns and she eases the pickup forward – far better than Gabriel does with his little car. “He probably would have ditched that shirt halfway through the day you know? I bet he’s one of those assholes who _glistens_ when they sweat.”

Now she’s just being ridiculous and Castiel rolls his eyes. He smothers a laugh under his hand before turning to give her a wry look. “It’s a pity that we’ve been deprived of it.”

Castiel means it as a joke in the hopes that Jess will laugh, but all she does is side-eye him. A smug little smile pulls up the corner of her mouth so it’s half a victory. After a minute, she laughs with a snort before turning her attention back to the road while merging into traffic off a side road. For half of the way home, she keeps giggling to herself. Castiel is confused by it until she turns a sharp look at him, eyes bright and curious.

“Do you like Dean?”

His stomach drops and it feels like his ribs are starting to pinch around his lungs. “Of course I do. He’s my friend.” He will absolutely _not_ have a repeat of the conversation he had earlier with Gabriel. That was an accident and he was being defensive about nothing. Jess probably means the same.

She dashes his hopes in six words. “You know what I mean, Cas.”

“I’m sure that I don’t.” If he hadn’t had a moment similar to this with Gabriel, he probably wouldn’t know what she meant – at least not at first. Castiel never likes playing stupid, but he still shakes his head and looks out the window.

Jess sighs loudly and he hopes he’s imagining that it sounds disappointed. “C’mon, Cas. He gave you his _phone number_.”

Castiel shrugs and tries not to fidget with his phone. “That was a long time ago.” It was just over six months ago and Castiel has been nothing but happy since then. He’s sad that he won’t see Dean again, but he has two wonderful friends that he will see (hopefully) often – and one of which he might be able to see Dean through.

“Yeah, but he was _flirting_ with you when he did it.” She slaps the steering wheel for good measure. Jess even gives Castiel a hard look while checking over her shoulder before she changes lanes.

“It doesn’t matter.” He shakes his head and looks down at his phone. “He stopped the moment he found out how old I really was.”

Her frown is only getting deeper. “Yeah, well you’re not in high school anymore.”

“ _You_ might be eighteen already, but I won’t be for another few months yet.” Castiel reminds her. Jess shares the same birthday as Dean and she’s been eighteen since late January. “That’s besides the fact that Dean has a girlfriend.”

Jess is quiet for a long time after that. It makes Castiel nervous and he tries not fidget or look at her too much. But the quiet doesn’t last. They’re almost back at the apartment before she asks him another question in a much softer voice. “If Lisa wasn’t in the picture, would you?”

He knows he’s going to regret asking this. “Would I what?”

“Go out with Dean?” She looks at him again and there’s no malice that Castiel can see. Jess looks honestly curious and maybe just a little hopeful. But why is she hopeful? For what reason? Does she _want_ him to date Dean? Why would she want that? Where would she even get the idea that Dean is still interested in him like that?

It takes a long time for him to find his voice for his answer. Castiel spends that last leg of the drive staring at his phone. He isn’t able to speak until they’re parked in front of the building again. “I don’t know.” The answer sounds pathetic on his tongue.

 _Would_ he date Dean? A homosexual relationship goes against everything he was raised to believe and his parents would likely _hate_ it. Castiel doesn’t want his mother or his father to disown him because he has feelings for another man. What would Gabriel think? He already dislikes Dean. If Castiel dated him, Gabriel might actually come to hatehim. The last thing he wants is for his family to frown upon his relationship and hate his boyfriend. What kind of strain would that be on their relationship?

“I’m sorry, Cas.” Jess interrupts his thoughts with a hand on his knee after she parks the truck. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable with these questions.”

“No, it’s – I –” He swallows thickly and shakes his head. “I don’t _know_. I’ve never really discussed with anyone about – about _anything_ regarding Dean and I.”

She tilts her head to catch his eye. “Do you _want_ to talk to someone? Not just about Dean, but about – you know – everything? Anything?”

That warm fuzzy feeling is back, but it’s different for Jess than it is for Dean. Castiel manages a small, hopeful smile. “Maybe later. Right now I’m – I’m still figuring things out for myself. Not about Dean, but about _me_. I’m catching up on a lot of things I missed out on before.”

For one, Castiel acknowledges that he has a crush on Dean. It's a new experience for him and one that he doesn't want right now - not for his friend and not while said friend is in a relationship with a perfectly nice woman. And worst of all is that Castiel is _jealous_ of her. That is a new experience too. He's never been like this before and he doesn't like it. If anything, Castiel wants it to stop so he can be friends with Lisa too. He likes to think that Dean would like that.

But the question that bothers him the most – the one that rattles around in his head – is if there's more to it? If this crush _does_ go anywhere, is Castiel capable of a relationship? He's never been in one before and he only knows very rudimentary things about them from observation or from anything he reads. If Dean and Lisa broke up and Castiel tried to pursue a relationship with him, would he be able to meet Dean's needs? He has no experience with meeting emotional needs and _especially_ with anything sexual.

According to Gabriel, Dean has a voracious sexual appetite. Currently, Castiel doesn't do anything. He _might_ masturbate once a week, but he can usually go without. His sex drive is almost nothing at all, but who knows how that might change - _especially_ if he really is demisexual. It could change dramatically if he ends up actually experiencing sexual desire at some point.

But until it happens, Castiel will never really know.

He must have been too quiet for too long. Jess pats his knee again and gives it a little squeeze. "I'm here if you ever need to talk about anything. You know that, right?" She winks and puts a finger to her lips. "I won't even breathe a word of it to Sam if you don't want me to. These lips are sealed."

Castiel gives her a grateful smile. It's nice to know that he has a friend willing to do that. "Thank you." He pats the back of her hand before they both get out of the truck. Lisa has found a spot a little farther down the road and she's coming up the sidewalk now.

While Castiel joins her and Sam at the front of the building, ready to head back inside and get the next load, he looks at his friends. Lisa might not be a _friend_ yet, but Castiel hopes she will be. Maybe if he befriends her, then his crush on Dean will fade away faster. Hopefully. But despite that, Castiel can't believe just how good it feels to _have_ friends.

Maybe it only took him this long to make them because he was waiting for the very best to come along.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Culinary school.” A wide grin splits Gabriel’s face and he stands up to turn around, fingers hooking the waistband of his pants. “I got it on a dare and I didn’t even have to pay for it. Is this or is this not the finest looking Tweety Bird you’ve ever seen on an ass?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **No warnings for this chapter**
> 
> This chapter takes place _during_ [Chapter One](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3739232) of the _A Little Patience_ storyline.

Castiel isn’t certain if he should thank Jess or if he should kill her. It’s been over a week since Dean and Sam moved into their new apartment and ever since then, at least once a day, Castiel has caught himself thinking about a tight white tanktop. He does his best not to, but sometimes on his morning run he’ll catch sight of someone doing the same only they’re wearing a shirt similar to what Jess had described. It makes him wonder what Dean would have looked like in it, and once he has that thought it tends to linger in the back of his mind for the rest of the day.

It’s annoying. What’s even more annoying is that Castiel catches his mind also straying to thoughts about Dean’s _jeans_. He’s seen him wear jeans underneath the apron he used to wear at the café and there was never anything special about them before. So why – _why_ is he so distracted by the images conjured up by Jess’s suggestive descriptions on moving day? It’s been haunting him ever since and Castiel hates it. He doesn’t want to think of Dean in a sexual manner, but thanks to Jess’s teasing it’s been slipped inside his head without his realizing. And he had done _so well_ on moving day to not think about it at all after she had brought it up.

For more than a week, Castiel has fought the hormone driven impulses of his thoughts and his body. But, as all things go, they do eventually get the better of him when he is at his weakest; _in his sleep_. He had expected something like this would happen at some point, but he hadn’t thought that it would be so _soon_. His dreams take over where he won’t let his thoughts go when he’s conscious, filling his head with flashes of sights and sounds and smells all accumulated from his memories and twisted into something beautiful and downright torturous for him.

Images of white fabric, soaked with sweat and clinging to freckled skin fill his dreams. It rides up where fingers catch in it, revealing tantalizing stretches of stomach and hips with skin warm to the touch. Strong arms fold around him in a hug that’s more than a hug, filled with the scent of sweat and metal and leather. A deep voice rumbles incomprehensible words in his ear, searing through him as rough stubble scrapes across his skin. Hard bodies intertwined with roaming hands, clothing just another barrier between them that they both want _gone_.

The alarm on Castiel’s bedside table is both a blessing and a curse. Whenever he has something important that he needs to wake up for, he always uses the buzzer setting. It’s loud, abrasive, and nearly stops his heart whenever he hears it. The radio is reserved for when he doesn’t want to wake up by nearly jumping out of his skin. Unfortunately, today is not a radio day. Today Castiel’s plans involve spending the majority of it at the dojang. There’s a belt test and graduation ceremony scheduled and as one of the black belts Castiel was forcefully volunteered to help with setting up and performing demonstrations, and who knows what else they’re going to have him do.

As soon as his alarm clock starts screaming, Castiel is awake. He flips onto his side and slaps the off button as hard as he can. It’s not just being frightened awake like he was that has him breathing hard. Of _course_ it’s on a day that he actually has things to do when he wakes up from a _wet dream_ of all things. This is terrible and unexpected and Castiel actually has no idea what he’s supposed to do now. Has he ever had a wet dream before? He can’t recall.

Certainly there have been mornings where he’s woken up aroused or he’s woken up with a mess in his underwear, but he could never remember any specific kind of dream that would have inspired it. This morning is _very_ different from any other morning like it. For one, Castiel remembers the dream. More than that, he remembers it in _vivid_ detail. If he closes his eyes – and he makes sure he doesn’t do that for longer than it takes to blink – he can still see some of the images from the dream. If he stops and thinks about it long enough, Castiel can almost feel the lips against his own.

This is the line he didn’t want to cross. He has fought against himself so hard not to imagine what it would be like if Dean was to kiss him, but his dreams took all that control from him. It was Dean’s voice in his dreams; Dean’s arms around him; and it was most definitely Dean _kissing him_. There is no doubt about that. Castiel touches a finger to his lips momentarily, wondering why they’re tingling when nothing actually touched them.

With a loud groan, he pulls the pillow out from under his head and covers his face with it. Why did this have to happen? Not even just today of all days, but in general? He doesn’t want to think of his friend like this. Castiel doesn’t want to have _feelings_ for him – least of all sexual ones. It was hard enough to get a hold of the romantic emotions he already had, but now he has _this_ mess to deal with too. Was he born under an unlucky star or something? Why does the universe seem intent on making his friendship with Dean be so difficult for him?

On the bright side, at least things can’t get _worse_. It’s not like Castiel actually sees Dean often. He hasn’t seen him since graduation and it’s unlikely that they’ll be seeing each other again soon. Sam and Dean have been at their new apartment for a week and Sam hasn’t asked Castiel over yet. At this point, he kind of hopes that he doesn’t. Seeing Dean again might only make _more_ of these damn dreams happen and Castiel never wants to wake up like this again.

As far as he’s concerned, he’s perfectly happy to continue going on outings with them. Like the other day was very nice. They went and sat on the beach for a while before stopping at an arcade for some games. They had ice cream and Castiel got to watch Jess completely destroy Sam at a game that involved stomping on arrowed tiles as their counterparts were passing on a screen. Castiel greatly enjoyed going out with them and he doesn’t feel even remotely like the third wheel Gabriel continues to claim he would be for hanging out with two people who are a couple.

Yes, this is a good train of thought. He should be thinking about having fun with the friends that he _isn’t_ apparently attracted to stop thinking about anything else. But that’s difficult when he keeps thinking back to how Dean has spent the last week texting him all sorts of pictures and questions about setting up everything in the new apartment. He even asked for Castiel’s opinion on whether the dinner table should be in the corner of the kitchen or if they should put it against the far wall in the living room area. Castiel was even given the honour to offer his thoughts on the placement of the furniture in Dean’s _bedroom_.

In hindsight, thinking about Dean’s bedroom is probably not the greatest of things to ponder right now when he’s trying _not_ to give in to the erection currently tenting his pajama pants. He presses the heels of his palms into his eyes and racks his brain for anything to be a distraction. Maybe he should invite Sam and Jess out soon. It’s not right that he’s basically sitting around waiting for one of them to call and invite him over just for the chance to see Dean. That’s not fair to Sam or to Jess and it’s downright inappropriate where Dean is concerned. Castiel shouldn’t even be having _dirty dreams_ about one of his friends.

His hands fall away and he stares up at the ceiling. Unfortunately for him, his habit of waking up earlier than he needs to is stabbing him in the back this morning. Usually it works out in his favour to have that spare time just in case any hang ups occur – particularly Gabriel dragging his heels. But right now he has too much time on his hands and no desire to get out of bed while he’s still quite obviously aroused. Castiel could _try_ and make a dash into the bathroom for a cold shower, but he would rather not start his day with one of those.

That really only leaves him a few options. Either he can deal with the results of his wet dream in a hands on manner, or he can recite the Chinese alphabet in his head until it goes away. Lord knows how long that would take and it could very well end up with Castiel needing to deal with it directly anyways in a much shorter and less enjoyable time frame. Besides, he highly doubts that he’s going to be able to take his mind off its current pattern of thoughts any time soon.

For example, one of the questions currently trying to break down the walls he’s using to hold them all back is; does this mean that he’s sexually attracted to Dean? This is only _one_ sexual dream about him – and a week of suppressed imaginings. Would all of that bundled together qualify as sexual desire? Is Castiel only going to get an answer to all these questions if he’s actually able to _come_ while thinking of Dean? That is an experiment he would like to avoid, if he can.

It’s one thing to have an uncontrolled dream about Dean. It’s another thing entirely for Castiel to actually _fantasize_ about him while masturbating. And that – it just feels wrong to even think about potentially thinking about doing that. Castiel can’t do it. He _won’t_ do it. But he can force himself not to think about anything at all and just go through the motions of masturbating like he usually does until he’s orgasmed. Then it will be done with and he can move on with the rest of his day.

Gabriel knows better than to walk into his bedroom when the door is closed, so Castiel has no reservations about throwing the blanket back. He works his pajama bottoms and his underwear down his thighs enough to give him the room to work. Castiel closes his eyes and concentrates on keeping his mind as empty as is possible while he touches himself. It’s like an odd form of meditation, but it clearly won’t give him the same kind of satisfaction he gets from _actual_ meditation.

A thought drifts in and Castiel tries to stomp it out before it can fully take shape. But, in the midst of actually masturbating, it’s hard not to wonder if this would really be easier if he had someone to think about? Would it actually feel better if he thought about Dean? What if he didn’t think about Dean _sexually_ while he masturbated? Castiel could think about other things like - like - oh! Like how easy it is to talk to Dean and that some of the best conversations he’s ever had have been with him. Or it’s possible that he could think about the conversations they’ve had regarding some of the trips Castiel used to go on when he was a child.

There isn’t much about _him_ that Castiel has told Dean, but he could think about what it would be like if he did. Usually they just talk about things that are happening in the here and now, or about books they’ve read and what few movies they’ve both seen. He could try and imagine about how Dean might react if he is ever told about how Castiel can speak four languages and that he has a black belt in Taekwondo. Would Dean be excited or would he think that Castiel is merely bragging?

No, that really isn’t helping anything at all. He lays his free hand over his eyes and sighs loudly. Why does this always have to be such a chore? Why can’t he just have a body that functions _normally_? How come his brain isn’t satisfied with any of the things he actually doesn’t mind thinking about? It shouldn’t need to think about Dean’s smiles or the hug from graduation day to make this feel good. He shouldn’t have to think about how his heart skipped a beat when Dean sent him a message the other day where he admitted that he misses seeing Castiel every lunch hour. And least of all, he shouldn’t have to think about the way Dean smells or the sound of his voice.

Castiel bites his bottom lip as a shiver crawls down his spine. Heat is pooling in his gut and he’s starting to feel far too warm in his pajamas. Would this be easier, or would it be harder, if he could be satisfied by thinking about how easily Dean can make him laugh? Or how his chest constricts and his heart flutters with every other message exchanged between them? But of course things can’t be that easy. If Castiel wants anything to feel good and if he wants this to be over quickly, then he would need to think of things like – like – like warm touches with gentle fingers; a touch that cherishes. Kisses that linger; soft and burning hotter than the sun. Words whispered with passion and more emotion than Castiel has ever felt before.

His hand drops from his eyes to his mouth, smothering an actual moan. Something _hot_ flashes through him and Castiel gasps loudly, spine bowing as his belly actually _burns_. This is the first time he’s actually made a sound while masturbating, let alone one that he has no control over. He’s actually left panting once he’s stroked himself to finish, surprised at how quick that was. Castiel is certain that it has never taken him such a short amount of time to come before. And he’s also certain that the tingling still trembling through him is a part of the best orgasm he’s ever had.

The mess he made is cooling on his stomach as he stares at the ceiling again. Part of him feels terrible that he thought about Dean in the end. But another part of him is… it’s almost feels as though he is at _peace_ with himself. Which seems a little odd to him. It can’t be just because of the afterglow, can it? That orgasm was nothing short of amazing, but he sincerely doubts this feeling is due entirely to it. In fact, Castiel is fairly certain that the feeling could be from the fact that this is the closest he’s ever been to being sexually attracted to someone.

By the definition, wouldn’t this mean that he _is_ sexually attracted to Dean? Okay, this is a win-lose situation. He didn’t want to reach this point with his crush on Dean. Castiel had hoped that he would be able to intervene before his feelings got any worse, but it seems that he has already reached that point. There is nothing else that he can do except to try and ignore these feelings until they eventually stop. In the meantime, he can rejoice in the fact that he can now confidently call himself demisexual.

When he gets up and makes his bed after a quick wipe down with a tissue, Castiel does it with a smile. The guilty sensation resting heavily on the top of his stomach is uncomfortable, but it’s not enough to overshadow how happy is to finally know. At this point, he is nearly one hundred percent certain that _demisexual_ fits him rather well. His feelings for Dean only get stronger with every day that he knows him and now he’s clearly attracted to him as well. Or, he is in at least in some sense.

Oh Lord, Castiel prays that it just doesn’t get worse. If this is already difficult to handle, he can’t even begin to imagine how impossible it will be if his attraction gets any stronger. It actually kind of scares him, though he isn’t frightening by it nearly as much as he is by the realization that he feels more for Dean then he has anyone else in his entire life. Of course it’s nice that he no longer has to worry about being broken, since he clearly isn’t. Castiel knows now that he never actually was because being asexual doesn’t mean that that one is broken. That’s just the way they are and there’s nothing wrong with it.

While he’s in the shower, Castiel is delighted to find that all of the things he used to be worried about are no longer valid. For example, one day he hopes to have a relationship with someone. At the moment, he is doing his best _not_ to hope that person will be Dean. Thankfully, that is currently highly unlikely. But one of his greatest fears was that he would never be able to feel like _this_ for someone and that a relationship would be impossible. Now he knows that he _is_ capable of it – it feels amazing. Castiel will always be unhappy with himself for thinking about his friend in a sexual way, but at least he doesn’t have to worry about this anymore.

The puzzle pieces are falling into place and Castiel is rather happy about it. He still has some thinking to do and plenty more about himself to discover, but the questions are dwindling rapidly the more that he talks with Dean and spends time with Sam and Jess. One day he’ll have to thank them all for it. If he were to wax poetic, he’d say it’s almost like he’s been stuck in a nest for his whole life and Dean finally got him to test his wings. He’s not sure where Jess and Sam fit into this analogy, but they could always be the wind beneath him, helping lift him to new heights.

Isn’t there a song about being the wind beneath someone’s wings? He feels like he might have heard that somewhere before. In either case, Castiel is happy. His life could use some improvements, but for the first time ever, he’s happy with _himself_. And, to quote Dean, it feels _awesome_. Now, if only he could find a way to remember this occasion.

*

“I’m thinking about getting a tattoo.”

Perhaps dropping that news in the middle of breakfast while Gabriel is in the process of eating was not the best of ideas, but Castiel is a firm believer in the band-aid method of news delivery. He is not very experienced with pussyfooting around the topic until someone figures out what he’s trying to get at. The direct approach is always the best, in his experience. Granted, it never worked all that well with Father. But he is a special case and Gabriel is most certainly nothing like their father. He is Castiel’s brother and he trusts him not to share this information.

Besides, Castiel is only _thinking_ about it. That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s definitely going to get a tattoo. But he saw mention of using them to remember important moments in ones life while he was perusing some forums about asexuality and the idea has stuck with him. He rather likes the idea of commemorating parts of his life with ink on his skin. It’s like he would be a walking photograph and what’s not to love about that?

Gabriel spends several moments coughing around a mouthful of cereal before he puts his spoon down and turns a disbelieving stares to him. “Wha–” He cuts off with another cough and pounds on his chest with his fist, as though he thinks that will somehow help. Once Gabriel can breathe again, he doesn’t bother finishing his question and goes right back to staring at Castiel with confusion evident throughout his entire being. Castiel finds it a little insulting.

He shrugs and takes a bite of his toast, fully prepared to continue where Gabriel seems unwilling to go. “Something significant for me has happened recently and of the various ways to mark the occasion, I was thinking about tattoos.”

The silence that follows is rather unexpected, and fairly unnerving. Gabriel is not known for being quiet. When Castiel glances at him again, his stare hasn’t let up any. In fact, now he looks rather suspicious. There’s something else going through Gabriel’s head right now and Castiel is almost afraid to find out what it is.

“Whatever you’re thinking, just say it, Gabriel.”

“Did you lose your virginity when I wasn’t paying attention?”

Of all the conclusions he could have jumped to, Castiel isn’t surprised that this is the one his one-track-mind of a brother jumped to. “No, I have not.” He puts his toast down and turns to face Gabriel fully. “I merely figured out some things about myself that make me feel more comfortable with being _me_.”

“And this makes you want to get a tattoo?” Gabriel’s confusion deepens and he tilts his head while carefully spooning more sugar-coated cereal into his mouth. He continues after he’s chewed and swallowed. “What did you figure out?”

How should he explain this to him? Castiel isn’t certain that his vocabulary is even extensive enough to properly capture just how _whole_ he feels now. Since he started learning about asexuality and the various categories that fall under its umbrella, he feels like he’s grown up a little more. His world has shifted slightly and he has a better understanding of it and himself. He never thought that figuring out his sexual orientation would make him feel _normal_ for the first time in his life.

“I didn’t say I _wanted_ a tattoo.” Castiel shifts in his chair and picks up his toast again. “I said I was _thinking_ about it. If you have other suggestions for commemorating important moments in one’s life, I’d be open to hearing about it.”

“Depends on what the thing is, Cassie.” Gabriel leans towards him and pokes him in the shoulder with his spoon. “What _things_ did you figure ou–” He cuts himself off mid-sentence as realization spreads across his face, quickly followed by a wicked smile. “I knew it! You finally caught up with the rest of the class and accepted that you’re gay.”

If he’s going to tell anyone in his life about what he’s learned, then it makes sense that the one he tells first is the person he’s been closest to his entire life. “Demisexual, actually.”

That only makes Gabriel’s confusion deepen. “What the hell is that supposed to be? Are you only attracted to Demi Lovato?”

Castiel raises his eyebrow at him while he chews his toast. He has no idea who that is.

“No? Demi Moore, then? You got a thing going for the older ladies, little bro?”

With his toast finished, Castiel pushes his plate away. “I have no idea who either of those people are, but I’ll be happy to educate you if you’re willing to listen.”

Gabriel sits back in his chair and pulls his cereal closer. “I’m all ears, Cassie. Hit me.”

It’s sorely tempting to follow up that offer with a light punch to Gabriel’s arm, but anything like that would result in a wrestling match. Despite his extensive training in Taekwondo, Castiel can’t ever bring himself to use any of it against his brother to gain the upper hand. Gabriel, however, is perfectly willing to use every dirty move in the book short of kneeing Castiel in the crotch to come out the victor. There have been far too many childish wrestling matches between them where Castiel has simply given up to save himself from going prematurely bald.

He leans back in his chair and fixes Gabriel with what has often been referred to (by Gabriel himself) as his _teaching look_. “Demisexuality means that I don’t feel sexual attraction to someone until I feel that I have a deep personal connection with them.” His fingers are metaphorically crossed in the hopes that this isn’t enough to give away that _Dean_ is the person he feels he has that connection with. “I suppose there might be some pansexuality in there as well since I don’t exactly care about the gender of the person. I find both men and women to be equally attractive.”

Should he be concerned by how Gabriel is only staring at him now? No, he probably shouldn’t be. Gabriel is fairly good at understanding things on his own. He _did_ have better grades than Castiel, after all. But he’s just _sitting there_. It’s unnerving. Castiel wants him to say something – to say anything. This is a big moment for him and he needs Gabriel’s reaction so he can gauge whether or not this is something he’ll be revealing to anyone else in the near or far future.

When the silence stretches for a long enough period that even Castiel can tell that it’s been well beyond a socially acceptable time period, he sighs. Fine. If the short version isn’t enough for Gabriel, then he’ll get the longer version. Unfortunately for them both, that equates to Castiel spending the next ten minutes reciting every definition and fact that he can remember from the many internet pages he has read regarding asexuality and demisexuality.

He talks about it until Gabriel puts down his empty bowl and holds up his hand. “Alright, I get it.” His hands drops to Castiel’s shoulder and he smiles. “This isn’t much of a surprise. You’ve always been my special little brother.”

Relief washes through him and Castiel almost sags under his hand. Even his smile is a little shaky, though it’s still purely genuine. “Thank you for understanding.”

“Yeah, well, that’s coz’ I’m awesome.” Gabriel laughs and gathers their dishes to take them to the sink. “But if you ever get it in your head to tell mom and dad about this, I think you might want to mock up some kind of informational pamphlet before you do that. It’s not like it’ll hurt your chances of surviving that particular conversation any.”

Oh. Castiel hadn’t even thought about telling his parents about this. Honestly, he hadn’t even really planned on telling anyone. Gabriel was a spur of the moment thing because he wanted his thoughts on getting a tattoo. And if he ever got one of those, it would again be something he might never be able to tell his parents. Maybe he shouldn’t bother. That’s just too my secrets to have from his family and it leaves him feeling rather uncomfortable.

“Hey, big brain.” He is rather rudely pulled from this thoughts by Gabriel knocking his knuckles against the top of his head. “I asked what kind of tattoo you’re thinking of getting.”

“I don’t know if I want one anymore.” Castiel looks down at his hands. His enthusiasm for this conversation has effectively dissipated. “I just want something to commemorate my becoming my own person. Perhaps I should just get a piece of jewelry or something?”

Gabriel throws an arm around his shoulders and gives them a tight squeeze. “Doesn’t mean we can’t talk shop about it. Come sit with me.” He all but drags Castiel from his chair to the couch in the living room. “We’re only talking hypotheticals here, okay? _If_ you got a tattoo, what would you get? The asexual flag tattooed across your ass?”

That draws a short laugh out of him and Castiel shakes his head. “No, no. If I was to get one, I would want it to represent more than just my sexuality.” He leans back and props his feet up on the coffee table, thinking again about the possibilities. “Living here with you has taken me out from under Father’s thumb. It’s a freedom I never had access to when I was at the boarding schools he picked out for me or when I was staying at home with him and Mother. In a few weeks, I’ll be even more independent when I’m in a private dorm room and I just – I want something to remember this by and I don’t think a picture in an album is going to cover it. I’m growing up and becoming my own person and –”

“Remind me to talk to you about the living situation thing again when we’re done with this.” Gabriel interrupts, not even asking before he stretches his legs across the couch and over Castiel’s lap.

“That won’t be necessary.” Out of a lack of anything else to do, he straightens the cuffs of Gabriel’s pajama pants. “You and Kali don’t exactly keep your voices down when you’re talking at night. I’m already aware that you’re thinking of moving in with her.” It’s the curse of having his bed against the same wall as Gabriel’s. It often makes him wonder why he hasn’t moved his bed to the other side of the room.

“Oh, well damn.” He laughs and drops his head against the armrest. “I mean, it’s not going to be for a while yet. Maybe next year? I dunno. I’ve got another eight months on my lease and I don’t really want to have to find someone to sublet the place to in the meantime, y’know?”

Castiel shrugs. “That’s understandable. And even if you do move, I won’t be away from the dorms except for holidays. Will you still be able to store most of my stuff while I’m in school?”

“Hell yeah. Kali has in suite storage and she barely uses it. Your shit is safe with me.” Gabriel gives him a double thumbs up before he bounces his heel against Castiel’s thigh. “Now you’ve gone and changed the subject. I said to remind me _after_. You’re not getting away from this without telling me what kind of tattoo you were thinking about getting.”

He shrugs again and leans his head back to look at the ceiling. To be completely honest, he hadn’t quite thought that far ahead. Castiel doesn’t want anything over the top. It should be simple, but profound. Something that accurately captures how light his shoulders feel with every decision he makes that’s changing his life. Like living in the dorms, for example. He didn’t have to choose that. Castiel could have easily stayed here with Gabriel and forced himself to take the public transit. But then he wouldn’t have the independence of living on his own and being responsible for his own meals – despite that only meaning that he has a reloadable food card to be used at any of the University owned establishments located on campus.

This is his bid for freedom – an escape from having anyone make his decisions for him. It’s the closest he’s ever going to get to having what _he_ wants. And that gives him an idea. “Wings.”

“Big ones on your back or tiny ones on your ankles like you’re that Hermes asshole?”

Castiel huffs a laugh and shakes his head. “I’m fairly certain those were winged _sandals_ that he wore.” His laugh fades into a sigh and he shrugs again. “Honestly, though? I haven’t thought that far ahead. I don’t even know how I’m going to pay for it and if I want to spend the rest of my life having to hide it from our parents.”

“Get ‘em on your back.” Gabriel lifts his foot to push it against Castiel’s shoulder. “Imagine how hilarious that would be.” When he gets a flat stare in response, he rolls his eyes. “Because we’re named after _angels_ , Cassie!”

Oh, he is well aware of that. But using stares as an answer always unnerves Gabriel and it’s one of Castiel’s most favourite of past times when conversing with him. It’s difficult to keep the smile off his face when he looks away. “If I did get them on my back, then it’s a good thing that I haven’t been shirtless in front of our parents since I was a preteen.”

“Yeah, you were never really one for swimming.” Gabriel muses as he slides further down on the couch. At this rate, Castiel might never be allowed back up.

It’s true, though. When it comes to exercise, Castiel prefers to have solid ground under his feet. There’s just something about swimming that he doesn’t find overly appealing. Martial arts has been good for him and he likes his daily jogs. In fact, Castiel is rather looking forward to the track that the university has available to students. He might not get the same views as his does with his jog around this area of the city, but it should take less time to run the same distance now. Which is good, because he’ll need every moment available to him for all the studying he’s going to have to do.

After a long, comfortable silence where neither of them really has anything to say, Gabriel finally breaks it. “So, are you going to go for it?”

For what? Oh, a tattoo. “I don’t know. I doubt it.” He shrugs and closes his eyes. After further thought, it just seems like a lot of work. He’s going to have to hide it from his parents for the rest of their lives, and he can’t really risk having anyone else see it. What if word got around that he had a tattoo and it somehow got back to his Father? Castiel would be whisked back home in no time at all, likely to have it laser removed before he’s forced to undergo some sort of brainwashing.

Clearly he’s been listening to Dean talk too much spy movies. He would never had considered his father the sort to use a brainwashing machine before he started talking to him. That thought makes his heart thump hard enough to tickle his ribs. Is there anything else about him, aside from the way he thinks, that might have changed too? It appears his introspection isn’t at an end just yet, he’ll have to consider that further. What about Jess and Sam? Have they affected his habits too?

“Stop ignoring me.” Gabriel nudges his shoulder again with his foot.

“I’m sorry, did you say something?” Castiel tilts his head just enough so he can see Gabriel from the corner of his eye. “I wasn’t listening.”

“ _Obviously_.” He huffs and crosses his arms. “I asked how you were going to pay for it _if_ you got it? And you probably shouldn’t tell me if you do or don’t get it. Y’never know what might slip out under the penalty of torture.”

Father isn’t _that_ bad, but it’s a good point. The less people who know about it, the better. Besides that, Gabriel’s question is a rather good one as well. There is no issue with having the funds available to him. His parents give him a decent amount of money every month and a good third (or more) of it goes into savings while the rest gets transferred to Gabriel as part of his share of the rent, food, and utility costs. But Castiel rarely touches what he has in savings, so there’s plenty in his account for him to spend on whatever he wishes.

However, if he _did_ use his bank card to pay for the tattoo, he’d be caught almost immediately. It’s been a long standing suspicion between Castiel and Gabriel that their Father monitors his bank accounts. If he paid five hundred dollars or more at a tattoo parlour, Castiel would be back home and under the laser before the ink would have time to dry.

This is already too much trouble. “Never mind. I’m not going to get one.” He shakes his head and pushes Gabriel’s feet from his lap so he can stand. “It’s not worth the difficulty of having to work around our parents. I’ll just go find a necklace or something with wings on it. Or maybe a t-shirt or a nice piece of artwork for my wall.”

“Aw, Cassie, don’t be like that.” Gabriel whines as he sits up. “I don’t want to be the only person in the family with a tattoo anymore.”

That brings Castiel to pause before he can go to his bedroom and change for his morning jog. He turns back to stare at Gabriel, mouth agape. “You have a tattoo? Since when?”

“Culinary school.” A wide grin splits Gabriel’s face and he stands up to turn around, fingers hooking in the waistband of his pants. “I got it on a dare and I didn’t even have to pay for it. Is this or is this not the finest looking Tweety Bird you’ve ever seen on an ass?”

Castiel covers his eyes and turns away before he’s forced to see it. Any sane person would just pull their pants down in that one section to partially show the cheek where the tattoo is. Gabriel is a whole different breed of special. There is no doubt in his mind that Gabriel will – and likely already has, judging by the rustling sound of clothing – pulled his pants down far enough to expose his entire backside.

“Don’t be a prude, Cassie. Look at my ass-tat and tell me how awesome it is!”

The laugh bubbles up in Castiel’s chest whether he wants it to or not. “I refuse!” He stumbles against the wall as he tries to blindly make his way back to his bedroom. There are just some things that he doesn’t need to see in his lifetime.

“Spoilsport!” Gabriel calls after him and that only serves to make Castiel laugh harder.

It’s nice to know that even if his parents aren’t the most understanding or accepting of people, he’ll still always have Gabriel.

*

Despite his preference for having things planned out, Castiel seems to be doing everything by the seat of his pants lately. First it was telling Gabriel about his thoughts on getting a tattoo and determining his sexuality. A week later it was calling up Jess and Sam to invite them to go beach combing with him on the same day. No planning was involved with that. It was just a spur of the moment feeling. Less than a day later and a good few weeks before he moves into the dorms, Castiel is standing in front of a tattoo parlour in his jogging outfit.

There’s still sweat on the back of his neck and beading along his hairline. The late August heat is unforgiving and the inside of the shop looks cooler than out here – in more ways than one, it seems. Castiel is entranced by the artwork hanging on the walls the moment he steps through the door/ The majority of it looks hand drawn – like pages of a sketchbook torn out and carefully placed into frames. One wall is even completely covered in photographs of people displaying their various tattoos and assorted piercings.

To Castiel’s surprise, the tattoo shop is brightly lit with a pastel colour scheme and it is _completely_ spotless. All the parlours he’s ever heard about or seen on TV have been dirty, dingy little holes in the wall. This place is small, but meticulously clean. Even the plush chairs in the corner look amazingly well maintained. He can hear the buzz of the needles coming from behind the doors on a short hall of perhaps a half dozen rooms that take up the very back of the store.

“Hey sweetheart! Can I help you?”

Castiel nearly jumps. He hadn’t noticed that there was a woman behind the desk. She’s almost impossible to see over the raised wall of it, especially while she’s seated. At best, she must be five feet tall and possibly in her early thirties. Her blonde hair is verging on white and it’s is pulled back into a very curly ponytail with a bright red bow stuck in it. When Castiel approaches the desk, he notes that her dress looks like she stepped right out of a magazine from the Fifties. It’s very vintage and it goes well with her figure and her hair – even if it’s at odds with his mental picture of the kind of person who would be working in a tattoo shop.

Except for her tattoos. Those fit right in with it. Every inch of skin from her neck down is covered in ink. The artwork is beautiful and it’s entrancing to watch when she moves. In fact, it’s oddly suited to her white-and-pink-polka-dot dress. Did she do them herself or were they all done by someone else who works here? Does she have them elsewhere? Do they continue under her dress and go right down to her toes? How badly did it hurt? What are the stories behind them?

“You look a little lost there, honey.” She laughs and stands up to give him a good once over. “Let me guess, you came in here on a whim? Have you been thinking about getting a tattoo?”

All he can do is nod dumbly. He’s not even sure why he really came in here. He had already disregarded the idea of getting a tattoo. But there was just something about this place that called to him. Above the door it has simply said _Home of Miss Rose_. It had caught his eye, but it wasn’t until he saw the sign in the window that says ‘ _tattoos and piercings_ ’that he knew what it was. All the signs look like they’ve been hand painted in a very delicate stylized font. Even the multi-coloured rose covering most of the glass looks hand painted. He can’t help but wonder if it was one of the tattoo artists or if it was this woman here.

“Do you have anything in mind, or would you like to browse?” She comes around the edge of the desk and crosses the room to the plush chairs. There’s a big photo album sitting on the table between them that Castiel had completely missed at first glance. “If you’d like some ideas, this puppy is chock full of them. Everything done by yours truly or one of our in house Picassos.”

It takes a while, but Castiel ultimately finds his tongue. “Wings?”

One dainty eyebrow arches and her smile brightens. “That’s more like it, babe.” She sits down in one of the chairs and pats the seat of the other one. “Come sit with Miss Rose and we’ll see if we can’t find something that suits you to a tee.”

Castiel’s heart has been pounding since he stepped through the doors and he hesitates. Should he even be here? His birthday is less than a month away, but he’s still technically underage. And does he want to waste Miss Rose’s time when he isn’t even sure that he wants to get this tattoo? How is he going to pay for it? If he tells Gabriel, then that’s someone who’s going to know about it and it might get back to Father. Or what about having to hide it forever? Is he willing to make that commitment? This is a lifelong one and he _has_ to be sure that he likes it.

“Oh sweetheart, you look a little peaky there.” Miss Rose says softly and she puts the book aside. “Would you like some tea? I’ve got a kettle behind that desk and a wicked Earl Grey.”

He shakes his head and glances toward the door. “I don’t think I should be here right now.”

“Got the jitters, huh?” She sits back in the chair instead of getting up and continues to smile at him. “Let’s see if my eye is as good as it usually is. You’re… Seventeen?” When he nods, surprised that she got in on the first try, she claps happily. “How far off is your eighteenth?”

“September Eighteenth.” Castiel murmurs and ducks his head. He half expects her to tell him to leave now that she knows how old he really is.

Instead, Miss Rose pats the chair again. “Well that gives you plenty of time to think it over and cancel if you want. You don’t have to make any commitments here today, honey. It’s just a couple of people sitting down for a chat about body art.”

Talking is fine. Talking won’t hurt anything. And maybe she’ll know of a good way to commemorate this time of his life. He hasn’t found a single thing that he likes so far to use for it and the idea for a tattoo has still been lingering away in the back of his head. His palms feel sweaty and that has nothing to do with having just been jogging. Castiel is actually _nervous_ about this and he feels unsteady on his feet as he moves to the chair.

But they’re just going to talk, right? He doesn’t have to do this if he doesn’t want to. Right now, he’s just exploring the idea of _maybe_ getting a tattoo. And Miss Rose seems nice. She’s been nothing but sweet so far and her presence is rather calming. It’s not her that has Castiel ready to bolt out the door. Rather, it’s the fear of being caught. Of disappointing his parents and failing them somehow just for doing something _he_ wants.

As soon as he’s seated, Miss Rose reaches out to pat the back of his hand. “I’ve got a whole section on wings in this book. Would you like to take a look at them?”

With pictures under his fingertips, Castiel does start to calm down. The artwork itself is marvelous, even on someone’s skin, and the pictures are top quality too. Each one is almost more beautiful than the last and Castiel is enraptured by them the moment Miss Rose puts the book in his lap. There’s more than just pictures in it too. In between them there are little tidbits about the symbolism of wings, written in the same script as on the window.

Castiel focuses on what is written about angel wings. Miss Rose seems to know it off by heart, as she says it all out loud every time he turns a page. “Did you know that angel wings are most often associated to the spiritual?” She keeps her voice soft and soothing. “It’s like a higher evolution of the soul. _Ascension_. But they’re not just that. They can be a symbol for good luck, for hope and enlightenment. Even guidance and protection against evil.”

She pats the back of his hand again. “Some people even get them to remind themselves that they’re not alone. Whether it’s a divine presence in their life, like a guardian angel, or just someone they hold very dear to them.”

He tries very hard not to listen to the voice in his head that whispers Dean’s name. At least Miss Rose doesn’t pick up on that with her all too keen sense and keeps on talking when he flips the page again. “Wings have been associated with so many things over time; faith and purity, obviously. But they’re also associated to things like love and courage, illumination, compassion, perseverance, and my personal favourite – renewal.”

Miss Rose is a very good saleswoman. Castiel looks up from the book and this time his heart is pounding for an entirely different reason. “Can I pay in cash and is it possible to make an appointment for after my eighteenth birthday? Please.”

His finger is resting on the best picture out of all of them. This is what he wants, with different feathers of course. The tribal design of these feathers, curling across the shoulder blades and down the backs of the arms, is too jagged for his liking. There aren’t as many feathers in this design as Castiel wants either, but the overall shape is speaking to him on levels he can’t even fully comprehend. The client in the picture has his arms spread, making the wings spread out too and he loves it. _This_ is what he wants. This is what _he_ wants to do.

The smile Miss Rose gives him then is bright and toothy. “Absolutely, honey. Let’s get you penciled in.”

*

If he was smart, Castiel wouldn’t have gotten his tattoo the night before classes start. His back, his shoulders, and pretty much the majority of his upper arms feels _so sore_. He can hardly move because of them. It was a stroke of luck that he was able to move into the dorms a week prior and didn’t have to worry about aching while he was carrying boxes. But how in the world is he supposed to focus in class tomorrow when even just wearing a light t-shirt makes every inch of his skin sting?

With the freshness of his tattoo, Castiel can’t even sleep on his back tonight. And he’s certainly not going to wear a shirt while he’s alone in his bedroom with the door locked. He hasn’t even stopped to consider how he’s going to be able to stretch enough to do the aftercare for the tattoo. Miss Rose gave him a special moisturizing cream that he’s supposed to put on it and that honestly doesn’t sound like it’s going to be very fun. It would be easier if he had maybe told someone that he was doing this so he could have them put the lotion on for him. And no, he will not think about asking Dean. The last thing he needs to think about is Dean putting his hands on him. The only thing that will achieve is adding another sexual fantasy offense to his ever growing list.

If this is what it's like to be sexually attracted to someone, Castiel doesn't want it. He almost actually _misses_ what it was like before Jess opened his eyes - or rather, his imagination - to sexualizing Dean. And that is something Castiel honestly doesn't like doing. It leaves him feeling guilty any time that he even so much as has a passing thought of Dean while he does anything remotely sexual.

Okay. Time to get his thoughts off that before he gets dragged back into that pit of temptation. With a groan, Castiel pushes himself upright on the single bed of his dorm room and looks around for something to do. The room itself is rather small – not much bigger than his bedroom at Gabriel’s apartment and it even has the same kind of furniture. His dorm comes with a bed, a desk, and a bookshelf that is slightly taller than he is. The closet has built in drawers on one side of it and the rest is available for his coats, hanging clothes, and whatever shoes he has to put on the floor.

He also has his own three piece bathroom with sink, toilet, and a shower stall. It wasn't luck that got him this room, but he isn't complaining. The less distractions he has, the better. He'll need to work extra hard to keep his marks at their absolute best and roommates or having to share anything with someone would just be a distraction. Which is something Father would never allow. So it’s really no surprise that Castiel has a completely private room all to himself.

The funny thing is, Castiel has _nothing_ in his completely private room. Not even half of the amount of clothing that he actually owns is in the closet here. Most of it is still at Gabriel’s, awaiting the day for when it will all be packed into a box and put in storage once Gabriel moves in with Kali. The same can be said for any little knickknacks that he’s procured over the years, and the majority of the books that he owns. There are dozens of them back at Gabriel’s and Castiel only has a few here since he had no interest in bringing them all with him. If he wants anything, he can simply pick it up on a weekend when he visits.

His bookshelf here is mostly empty. There are a few books on it and his textbooks for school, as well as a handful of binders on it, already prepped for any schoolwork. His laptop is already tucked away in his bag for tomorrow, ready for classes. This will be the first time that he uses a laptop in class, so it will be an interesting experience. Castiel can’t help but wonder if it will make things easier or if it will only turn out to be a distraction. He’ll find out tomorrow. In the meantime, he could waste some time with putting his textbooks in a spare reuseable shopping bag that he’ll be taking to the main building.

It had taken some begging in the right places, but Castiel did manage to get a hold of a full sized locker in the main building. He plans to keep all his textbooks there and just grab them in between classes or on his way to the library. That way he won’t have to carry more than one at a time or bring all of them all the way back to his dorm room. It’s also just the right size to fit his gym bag with all his work out things. His dobok and Taekwondo paraphernalia have been left at Gabriel’s. For the time being, he’s not going to be able to make it to any of the classes. His plan is to only take a brief break from it until he has adjusted to his new schedule.

Essentially, Castiel wants to keep the things in his dorm to a minimum. It’s highly unlikely that he’ll be in the same room next year, so there really is little point in making this one his own. The only thing he has on the walls is a calendar on which he’s already written all his classes and colour coded them. That too might be pointless. Castiel doesn’t plan on being here very often. At the least, this is just a place to sleep. At the most, he’ll do homework here too when he has little other options. Otherwise, he’ll be at the library studying and using the many resources available to him there.

Castiel’s whole back aches while he gingerly moves the books into the shopping bag. There aren’t many of them, but he bought them all earlier today in preparation for his classes. Gabriel forced him to _shop smart_ , as he called it, and buy everything second hand. It’s apparently a complete rip off to buy the textbooks new. Frankly, Castiel doesn’t care. New or used, it doesn’t matter. He just wants to have the materials on hand for when he needs them.

It catches him by surprise when his phone pings from his side table next to his bed. When he sees Dean’s name on the screen, Castiel nearly drops onto his back on the bed to read it and start up whatever conversation is sure to follow. He catches himself at the last minute and lays across it on his stomach with his pillow bunched under his chest. In the case that this might be a longer conversation, Castiel puts the phone on vibrate so he won’t get annoyed by the beeping.

**_Dude its been a week WHERE R THE PICS???_ **

Is it wrong that he finds it adorable how Dean has been nagging him all week for pictures of his dorm room? **_I don’t know what you’re talking about._**

His phone pings successively with at least five messages full of nothing but sad faces. Castiel muffles a laugh against his pillow and picks out the emoticon from his menu that best gives his current expression. It’s a simple smiley face with its eyes closed. He gets a response to that almost immediately.

 ** _Rude! U didn’t even let us help u move in!_** And that is punctuated with an emoticon so angry that its whole face has gone red.

It had nearly killed Castiel when he had to turn down the offer that Dean is referring to. **_I told you, I didn’t have much to move. It took us one trip and less than half an hour to move everything into my room._** He had tried _very_ hard to think of a way to prolong the move to the point that he would be able to accept Dean’s help. But the only thing he could have done was bring _everything_ with him, and Gabriel would have mocked him straight to Heaven and back again if he changed his plans like that just to see Dean.

 ** _I STILL WANT P I C T U R E S!!!_** Dean seems fond of the caps lock tonight, as well as the angry faced emoticon. This message has three of them at its end.

With a sigh, Castiel carefully gets up from the bed. He uses his phone to take the pictures of his room from various corners to make sure that he gets everything – including the bathroom and the closet. It’s only a handful of them, but that should be more than satisfactory. There really isn’t much to take pictures of in the first place.

Dean seems to be of the same opinion after the pictures have been sent. **_Ur not moved in! liar theres nothing unpacked!_**

The only thing visible in the pictures is the bag on the desk with Castiel’s textbooks in it. Everything else, including the boxes that his stuff had been moved in, has been folded and put away in the top of the closet for when he needs them to move back to Gabriel’s at the end of the school year. Castiel quickly explains this to Dean. **_I assure you I would never lie to you._** He might withhold telling the whole truth, but he refuses to outright _lie_ to any of his friends. **_All the boxes have been emptied. It was mostly just clothing and school supplies._**

**_… but wheres all ur stuff???_ **

Castiel nearly rolls onto his back when he lays down again, but he stops himself. That would have been disastrous. **_Most of it is staying at Gabriel’s apartment._**

It appears that Dean does not approve of this. **_Lame cas so lame! U gotta make that place ur own! 1st place = OWN IT_**

His smile is almost starting to hurt his cheeks. Dean’s outrage is definitely adorable and he can’t bring himself to be anything but amused at each message. **_I only plan to really sleep and study in here. And the only studying will be what I can’t do at the library. I also have to pay if I damage anything more than the wall with that one thumbtack._**

He can practically hear Dean’s exasperated sigh. **_Ur such a nerd omg_** It only makes Castiel smile harder. **_No wonder u & sammy get along so good_**

Hasn’t Sam called Dean something similar? Castiel is fairly certain that he has. **_He would say much the same about you and I._** Well, hopefully he would.

**_Excuse u Im a GEEK & theres a DIFFERENCE tyvm_ **

That makes Castiel’s eyebrow raise. He knows that ‘ _tyvm_ ’ stands for ‘ _thank you very much_ ’ but he doesn’t know the difference between a geek and a nerd. He had always assumed that the two were synonymous, though he’s only ever been called one of them. Of course, that was mostly by Gabriel. Does _he_ know the difference? Would it be odd of him to use this as a way to continue the conversation and learn more about Dean?

**_Oh? Please, educate me._ **

His smile grows as his phone starts to vibrate repeatedly in his hand. In the last week, a lot of things have started to change for him. Castiel has moved into his ‘ _first place_ ’ and he’s going to be taking care of himself for the rest of the school year on his own. Tomorrow he’ll be starting his first day at university. With the new ink on his arms and his back, he’s turning over a new leaf. A lot of things are changing, but as he reads Dean’s messages, he’s happy to know that not _everything_ is going to change.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel comes to a sharp stop and looks up from his book. “Was that a fire engine?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **There are no warnings for this chapter.**
> 
> This chapter takes place _during_ [Chapter One](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3739232) of the _A Little Patience_ storyline.

Even though Castiel isn’t entirely happy about the path his studies are going to take him on, he _is_ rather thankful that they keep him very distracted. He barely has enough time in the day to take a morning jog around the university’s track before having to go to class. And if he’s not in class, then he’s writing papers, doing homework, and spending endless hours _studying_. It’s nothing altogether new for him, but he has a completely full course load and most of his classes are rather advanced for his age bracket.

Castiel just _barely_ manages to squeeze in a Taekwondo class once a week. And that’s only because Gabriel insists that he takes a break from school for one evening and actually drives across town to pick him up from the university to take him there. Such evenings usually include having dinner at Gabriel’s apartment and being driven back late at night, or Gabriel treating him to dinner and spending a few hours just talking together. Sometimes Kali joins them too and Castiel spends most weeks looking forward to that specific day because it really is a nice break from everything else in his life.

He doesn’t see Sam and Jess as often as he would like, but at least once a week they meet up in the university’s library to study together. Sometimes they even do their homework at Jess’s campus apartment. Her roommates don’t seem to mind as they tend to spend most of their time in their bedrooms or are out doing their own things. Jess’s apartment is the closest thing to a second home that Castiel has outside of his own dorm room – which he actually spend more time in than he originally planned to. It’s actually quieter than the library on most days.

The holidays and breaks come and go with Castiel barely noticing. It feels like school had just started before Castiel is boarding a plane with Gabriel to fly back to their parents’ home for Christmas. With how often Father checks in via e-mail and telephone to make sure that he’s keeping up on school, Castiel doesn’t really see the point of visiting. Except to see Mother of course. And he does spend most of the visit in her company since Father is just _so_ busy all the time.

Aside from that one trip, every other holiday has been spent with Gabriel and Kali. Spring break just ended and during it Castiel learned that a moving date has been set. It’s official. Gabriel’s lease ends at the end of April and as of the first of May he and Kali will be living together. She apparently has a much nicer and bigger apartment that is ideally located for the both of them. It’s obviously much farther from the café then Gabriel will be used to, but it’s not even remotely as terrible a drive for him as it would have been if Kali had moved into his apartment.

It will be a little sad to have to pack up what remains of his things at Gabriel’s apartment, but Castiel is still happy for them. He likes seeing relationships work out well for people. Same with Sam and Jess. It’s a bit of a fight to force himself to be happy for Dean and Lisa, but he tries. At least with school being so busy he hasn’t had much time to focus on his feelings for Dean or what jealous he has of Lisa. The only downside of that is how his conversations with Dean have also declined over the last several months.

Instead of being daily like they used to be, they’ve dropped to a few times a week. The both of them are really too busy to talk daily like they used to and it’s not like they have a whole lot to actually say anymore. It’s not exactly something that Castiel enjoys admitting to himself, but the fact that they _do_ still talk is at least something. After all, it’s almost been a year since they saw each other last. This is more than Castiel could have ever asked for.

A few years ago, he never would have thought that at this point in his life he’d be at a _friend’s_ place while writing an essay. The essay was basically expected, the location? Not so much. Jess and Sam are on the couch across from him, the both of them doing their own studying. Sam is typing away on his laptop where it’s balanced on Jess’s shins while she’s highlighting things in her textbook. Castiel is fairly certain that her two roommates are out, though it’s entirely possible that at least one of them is in their bedroom. He’s been here a few hours and hasn’t seen either of them, so the former is the more likely.

This is likely the one hundredth essay that Castiel has written for this semester alone. That might be a bit of an exaggeration, but it certainly feels like it isn’t. Not all of his classes have them, but some of his professors want one for every other chapter of their textbook. It’s tedious, but at least he’s fairly good at them. If he wasn’t, this would be nightmare. Thankfully, being around people – such as his friends – does little to deter him from focusing on writing.

His phone vibrating on the table next to him, however, is a different matter altogether.

Castiel hasn’t even looked at the phone before Jess speaks. “Let me guess, it’s Dean?”

He pulls the phone closer and unlocks it to access the message. “Yes, it is.” The fact that she guessed who the text is from is unsurprising. It’s a well-known fact between all of them that Castiel’s phone is only used to contact all of four people on a regular basis. Two of those people are sitting in this room right now.

Jess closes her textbook with the highlighter sitting between the pages to mark her place. Clearly she’s ready to take a break from studying. “What’s it about this time?”

“He says he’s bored and wants to know what I’m up to.” Honestly, it’s not that interesting of a message but of course Castiel’s chest still flutters happily at the thought that Dean finds him entertaining enough to contact when he’s bored.

Sam sighs and the sound of his fingers on the keyboard of his quite frankly _ancient_ laptop stops. “His memory must be going. I _know_ I told him that you were meeting up with me and Jess today to study.”

“He must be very bored.” Castiel can’t keep a small smile from lifting the corners of his lips while he types out a quick response to Dean. **_I’m doing something far more boring than you… Writing an essay._**

He just barely catches out of the corner of his eye that Sam and Jess share a look before he turns his attention back to his paper. Castiel picks up the pen and starts writing again, his mental word count tabulating while he goes. So far, he’s never been more than a few words off. When he writes essays, he prefers to do the rough copy by hand. Then he edits it, types it up and edits it again for good measure before correcting the digital copy and sending it to his teachers. It might not be the fastest of methods, but it works for him and he’s never gotten anything less than an A+ on one, even here in university.

“Hey, Sam?” Jess moves her legs a bit to jiggle his laptop, likely to keep his attention on her. “How come you didn’t invite us over to study at your apartment today?”

“I told you that already.” Sam grabs his laptop to keep it from falling and gives her a dirty look for it.

Castiel’s head may never move when he looks up at them and his pen doesn’t stop gliding across the paper, he still likes to steal a glance every now and them just to watch them and see what they’re doing. The way they’re so comfortable with each other is always fascinating. Though it’s not exactly a distraction to him, it’s certainly enviable. Maybe one day he’ll have a relationship like theirs.

“I forgot.”

His pen pauses. It certainly doesn’t _sound_ like she forgot. As far as he can tell, Jess doesn’t sound confused. She does, however, sound frustrated. Why? Is Sam not doing what she wants him to do? They’re both staring each other down when Castiel glances up again and he watches them for a moment before he continues writing. If there’s something brewing between them, it’s best that he not get involved or be caught watching. He doesn’t want to get in trouble for it.

Eventually, Sam sighs loudly. “Because _Lisa_ is over and I wanted to spare you guys the sex sounds. Besides, having Dean around when there’s people over is basically the best way to make damn sure that absolutely no studying would get done. _Ever_.” He makes sure to enunciate that bit very clearly.

At the mention of Lisa, Castiel grits his teeth and forces himself to focus on the second top in the body of his essay. He’s going to very conveniently, and with no small amount of difficulty, forget that Sam said anything about Dean and Lisa having sex together. His fantasies of Dean have thus far remained contained within the realm of his dreams, but Castiel still has them every so often. He can’t do anything about that, but it’s hard not to feel at least a little bit jealous whenever it’s mentioned that Lisa gets to actively participate in activities with Dean that he can only (unwillingly) dream about.

These are all feelings that Castiel has yet to manage to sort out. At this point, the only way he has found to deal with them is to ignore their existence entirely. If he doesn’t acknowledge that they’re there and puts them out of his mind as soon as they enter it, then it’s almost like he didn’t think those thoughts or feel those emotions at all. Unfortunately, this isn’t all that effective when these kinds of things decide to be repeat visitors.

Jess sits forward suddenly and thankfully provides just the distraction Castiel needs as she shoves at Sam’s shoulder. “I hardly get to see Dean as it is! You only ever invite me over when the apartment is empty and I don’t think Cas as even been there since you guys moved in.” She turns a sharp, narrow eyed look on him. “Have you?”

He shakes his head and averts his eyes back to his paper. “I barely have the time to leave campus for Taekwondo once a week, let alone to see their apartment. It’s fine, really.”

Castiel shrugs and finishes writing the sentence he has been working on. It’s odd that Jess seems more bothered by this than he does. To be honest, Castiel would rather he not be invited to Sam’s place. Seeing Dean would just make things worse and he’s been doing so well with getting over his infatuation during the last several months. His only regret, currently, is not having been old enough at the time that Dean made the first advance. Things could be _so_ different if he had been.

Sam shoves Jess’s shoulder too, making her flop back into her original position. “See? Cas doesn’t care. And, for the record, it’s not fair to Dean if I fill up his apartment with students when he’s trying to relax from pretty much everything, y’know?”

“What’s he got that he needs to relax from?” There’s concern in her voice and it warms Castiel to know that Jess honestly cares about Dean enough to be worried for him. “Is everything okay?”

“I guess?” He shrugs and leans his head back to look at the ceiling. “I mean, he works full time at a physically demanding job. Plus he’s out, like, every weekend with his friends and with Lisa. Sometimes he needs a break from all that, y’know? So, yeah, I like to keep the apartment as a quiet place where he can relax when he needs a break from everything else in his life.”

That’s very nice of Sam. Castiel has never noticed through their text messages that Dean has been stressed with the things in his life. Then again, text messages are rather difficult to glean actual _emotions_ from. He has a fifty-fifty hit or miss chance with it when he’s talking to someone face to face already. It would be an outright miracle if he was able to understand the subtly differences in a text that might be the difference between sarcasm and sincerity or anything else as complex as emotions can be.

Jess clears her throat when Castiel glances up again, Sam is wincing while she digs her heel into his thigh. There’s something going on here and he isn’t exactly sure what it is, but it does involve the two of them having whole conversations with their eyes that he doesn’t understand. Castiel elects to ignore it and turns his attention back to his paper. He still has another couple hundred words to go and then he has a red pen next to him, ready and waiting for editing.

Though this is par for the course, really. Jess and Sam don’t tend to distract them when they’re left to their own devices in the same room. It’s when _Dean_ comes up – either by text or by means of conversation – that slows him down. Castiel takes a deep breath and holds it for a few moments before he puts the pen to the paper again. He’ll just clear his mind and get right back to writing. That’s a good plan to start with.

Unfortunately, Jess seems to have other plans. She withdraws her legs from Sam’s lap while he rescues his laptop and crosses them under her as she leans forward. “What do you mean Dean needs a break from Lisa? Is there trouble in paradise?”

Well now they have Castiel’s full attention. Though he won’t be looking up from the paper and he might possibly scratch a few words down, the rest of his focus is completely centered on what they’re talking about. He only hopes that it won’t _look_ like he’s actually listening instead of working.

Sam sighs and moves his feet to put his laptop down on the table. “I don’t know, Jess. They’re the same as ever.” He shrugs and sits back again, and Castiel uses the lull to scribble out the rest of his sentence. “I mean, I’ve heard them fighting through the wall more often lately.”

“They _fight_?” She shuffles forward on the couch, hugging her textbook to her chest. “What about?”

Jess’s reaction makes Sam snort a laugh and he shakes his head. “Dumb stuff, I guess. The only thing they’ve been _really_ getting heated about since their one year anniversary is that she wants to live with Dean, or something.”

Castiel nearly wilts at the reminder of just how much time has passed since then. It’s been just a few months more than the one year mark of when he and Dean started talking. On top of that, it’s only another three months before it will have been a whole year since Castiel saw him last. Time is slipping away from him and while he likes _some_ aspects of it, he doesn’t like most of it. Aside from the obvious lack of seeing Dean daily, like he used to during high school, he also misses talking to Dean every day. As helpful at getting over him as it is, there are some days where he doesn’t talk to _anyone_ and he hates it. It reminds Castiel too much of when he had no friends at all.

Of course, that could all be easily rectified. If he _really_ wanted too – and he really does – he could just pick up the phone and ask Dean if he wanted to go out for coffee or something this weekend to catch up. But he won’t. Castiel wants to do that, but he also doesn’t want to do anything that will impede what he sometimes refers to as his _recovery_. If he ever wants his friendship with Dean to feel normal again, then he _needs_ to get over his crush on him before he can ever see him again. Otherwise things will just remain eternally awkward and he fears their friendship will fall apart.

Not to mention that Dean and Lisa have, apparently, been dating for a whole _year_ now. That sours the soda fizzling in his belly and their pending order of Chinese food is not sounding all too appealing. It’s a bitter, unhappy, selfish taste staining the back of his tongue and Castiel _hates_ it. He doesn’t want to feel like this. How long does he have to wait until it stops?

No, no. He can’t let this distract him. It’s just a vicious cycle and he needs to put a stop to it. These thoughts of Dean are getting in his way, partly because of his own weakness and partly because Sam and Jess just keep _talking_. Castiel just needs to block them out. After all, he has school to focus on, a GPA to maintain. It’s all just another step on the life plan that was picked out for him to follow and that plan doesn’t have any room for pining over a relationship that wasn’t written into it.

If only Jess would _stop talking_. “No way!” She sounds appalled and Castiel honestly agrees with her about this particular topic. “Lisa wants to move in with you guys?”

“Oh no, not even remotely!” Sam laughs and shakes his head. “She wants to live with _Dean_. He and I talked about it and we’re cool if she wants to move in with us, but as much as she swears she loves me, she says she just doesn’t want to live with brothers. It might make a difference if you were living with us or something, I don’t know. It just doesn’t make sense to me.”

“Well, it kind of does.” Jess adjusts herself so she’s sitting properly on the couch so she can lean against Sam’s side. “I mean, if I was in her position, I could see it. Frankly, I love Dean and I get along great with the both of you, so I’d have no problem with it. But I’ve also known you guys for most of my life.” She shrugs and rests her head on Sam’s shoulder. “But she doesn’t know you two as well as I do. Maybe she’d feel like the power in the home wasn’t balanced if it was her against two brothers all the time. Like maybe Dean would always take your side because you’re his kid brother?”

That makes plenty of sense to Castiel. On the other hand, however, he thinks he would have no qualms with dating Dean and moving in with them. He gets along wonderfully with Sam and he’s fairly certain that he’s level headed enough to be able to manage whatever quarrels might occur between them. And that train of thought will be stopped immediately. Castiel is _not_ going to get dragged into his rarely used fantasy world where Lisa conveniently does not exist.

He had hoped to remain a silent participant in the conversation, but even he has questions he can’t stop himself from asking. “Does that mean Dean is thinking of moving out?”

Of course not, that’s ridiculous. Sam’s laugh proves as much. “ _God_ no. It’s not even an option for him as far as he’s concerned. Something about how it would put too much of a strain on me while I’m still going to school and whatever.”

Which is true, honestly. It would be a struggle for Sam to be able to afford his current class load along with any form of rent. Dean is a very good big brother.

“Oh jeeze!” Jess giggles and sits up to look at Sam. “I bet Lisa doesn’t like that!” When he shakes his head to confirm it, Jess sits back more to punch him on the shoulder. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me that there’s trouble brewing between the lovebirds!”

With a wince and a laugh, Sam leans away and rubs his arm. “Because there isn’t! They still get along just fine and I actually haven’t seen them _fight_. I’ve just heard them talking at night. Loudly. Everything else seems fine. They just kind of – they _disagree_ on a lot of things, I guess.” He shrugs and pouts at Jess, likely for having hit him.

Castiel’s pen has officially stopped all form of writing. In fact, he has placed it on the paper and is watching the both of them intently now. Their conversation is too distracting, through no fault of their own. It just so happens that _this_ is a particular topic that Castiel knows more about than he would honestly like to. His phone has months of message history with Dean where he sometimes takes a moment or two to rant about his girlfriend. Every time he ends it with a “Whew! That feels better. Thanks for listening, Cas!” but the fact remains that it’s still there.

For as often as Dean says that Lisa is awesome and he enjoys having her in his life, he also makes it known that it would be nice if she shared more of his interests. Castiel is utterly baffled by how they’ve lasted a year already without that. Apparently Dean and Lisa have talked about this at length, but neither of them like most of the same books, shows, more movies. There are some that overlap, of course, but not many. From what Castiel can tell, Dean’s eclectic movie tastes, which are really all over the map, seem to be mostly tolerated, at best.

Despite not having the most firm of grasps on the relationships, Castiel is still fairly certain that most should at least share some common interests, right? Is it possible to have maintain a relationship where almost nothing the partners actually enjoy separately can be enjoyed together? He’ll have to ask Sam and Jess about that at a time where the topic isn’t so obviously linked to Dean and Lisa. At this point in time, he considers himself to be Dean’s confidant and Castiel refuses to betray that trust placed in him.

As such, he also completely denies and exiles any thought that enters his mind about whether or not he would be a more suitable partner for Dean. He may not have much, if any, interest in cars, but Castiel would happily (and has!) listen to Dean spend incredibly long periods of times talking about the different models and which ones are better than others. It didn’t take long to figure out that the answer is and always should be the 1967 Chevrolet Impala.

Though Castiel may not have many hobbies, besides photography and Taekwondo, he likes to think that Dean would be interested in those. Unfortunately for Lisa, Dean’s passion for yoga ends with the tight clothing and the resulting flexibility. Everything else about it is equivalent to a pointless death in his eyes. Castiel has spent many an evening amused beyond words by Dean’s whining messages whenever Lisa manages to convince him to attend any of the classes she helps teach in her off time – especially if it’s one of the classes that Dean describes as a sauna heated by the very fires of hell.

He’s not entirely sure about whether or not Dean actually complains about anything to Lisa’s face, but Castiel has made it a point to say that Dean should talk with her. It’s always been a personal belief of his that communication is a stable compound that one should use to build the basis of a relationship. Without communication, everything will fall apart. If Dean allows these little irritations to build up, one day it will explode and nothing good will come of it.

Dean has agreed on that matter, but he’s never said if he’s spoken to Lisa about it.

Aside from those moments, Dean and Lisa actually _do_ seem to get alone well. More often than not, they actually seem to really enjoy their time together. Now, if only Castiel could shake a nagging idea that gives him a glimmer of hope. While he might not be an expert on relationships – and especially on _Dean’s_ relationships, he has the feeling that Dean might not be as committed to the relationship as he could be. That’s not to say that Castiel thinks he would stray, which he doesn’t, but he also can’t say that the two of them are the best of matches either.

It really doesn’t help that Dean has admitted to him that Lisa was, at first, nothing more than a one night stand. And then another, and then another, until finally they were actually dating. Though that may be an unorthodox approach to a relationship for Castiel, if that’s how Dean chooses to start his, then that’s fine. After all, Dean has been in multiple relationships and his most current one has lasted a year already. Castiel, on the other hand, has just barely adjusted to having _friends_. Relationships are still well beyond his scope of knowledge.

For Castiel, his research over the summer has given him a much better insight into himself. As a demiromantic, he would much rather be good friends with someone before he would consider dating them. As a demisexual, the same can be said but in a more romantic sense before he would consider sleeping with them. But that’s just him. Thanks to that research, he knows that there is such a varied array of sexualities and romanticism and he doesn’t judge anyone for having them.

Granted, he still has his own bitter hopes that one day Lisa and Dean might eventually break up. They’re hopes that he despises with every fiber of his being, but they’re still _there_ – and it may be entirely in his head, but feeling like this makes the tattooed wings on his shoulders itch. If he didn’t think they weren’t as compatible as they could he, then he probably wouldn’t have these thoughts in the first place. But Castiel tries, he tries _so hard_ , not to think about that. It takes every ounce of his will to replace those thoughts with extremely sincere wishes that everything will work out for the best between them.

Despite the extensive range of thoughts Castiel has on the topic Jess and Sam are speaking of, he doesn’t share a word of it. He simply watches, his essay forgotten, while they stare at each other and continue conversing together. They both seem aware that he’s paying attention, and they certainly leave lapses for him to speak, but he has nothing that he can or is willing to share.

“I hate to be the one to say this –” Jess holds her breath and glances between Sam and Castiel. “But – and I know this is horrible of me to say – but I think there’s a countdown on their relationship.”

Okay, Castiel might have been wrong. He _does_ have things he would like to add – such as questions. “Why do you say that?”

She shrugs and finally puts down her textbook and looks to Sam. “I don’t know. I mean, Dean’s not going to move out while you’re in school, right?”

Sam nods sagely. “Damn right. So that means she’s going to have to wait another few years _at least_ if she’s completely dead set against moving in with us.”

Castiel frowns and tilts his head as he runs over the last bits of their discussion. “To my understanding, you’re not home very often as it is since you spend time with Jess, you have classes, you’re still doing basketball, and you’ve started that job with the bookstore. Isn’t that right?”

“Exactly!” He nods again and couples it with a shrug. “I don’t really see myself being home much at all. Especially since I’m looking to get a fulltime job over the summer to help out on bills.”

Whatever smile Sam had fades away and he slumps on the couch slightly. “Dean works hard to pay for all the shit with the apartment, his car, and our food. The bookstore just barely gives me enough time to _slightly_ help out with the utilities. I figure if I have a full time job until school starts again, he might be able to have more cash to do the things he wants to do, y’know?”

Though Castiel nods at the same time as Jess, she’s the one who speaks. “That’s really nice of you, babe.” She even leans in to kiss him on the cheek.

Castiel, however, is very much wrapped up in his own thoughts again. This is completely new information to him. Somewhat. Honestly, he never actually stopped to consider how Dean is the one supporting the both of them on one paycheck. Were they left nothing after their parents died? Depending on the nature of the accident, any insurance money they would have received must have gone towards the funeral arrangements. And then there was the matter of the mortgage of their old house and selling that.

After that, Dean dropped out of school to take care of Sam so he could keep going. They lived in a one bedroom apartment for _years_ and Dean eventually ended up working two jobs to support them both and save up for Sam to go to university. If he hadn’t, does that mean that without Sam’s scholarship then he wouldn’t be able to afford going to school fulltime?

In the same instant, Castiel is both impressed and proud of his friends. They’ve had such hardships and they’ve come out of it wonderfully. He’s not sure he would have been as strong as them in the same situation. The only way this changes his opinion is to _improve_ on how he thinks of them. They’re so much stronger than he first thought and it’s amazing. It sends a warm tingle through him to realize that every after a year of talking to Sam and Dean, there are still new things for him to learn.

All eyes turn to his phone again when it vibrates.

“Someone’s ears are burning.” Jess giggles and she flops back on the couch once more when Castiel picks it up. “Let me guess, he’s still bored?

He unlocks the message with a quick swipe across the screen. It’s an image of a coffee table covered in the cases of movies. One corner is reserved for a bowl of popcorn and a few drinks. Another message comes in after it. **_Pick 1 pls we can’t decide! Tie breaker cas is a go!_**

Castiel smothers a laugh. “It has to do with movies.”

“So, yes. He’s bored.” Sam translates while they settle down to get a little more studying in before they take an actual break for dinner.

Some of the movie titles are blurry when Castiel zooms in to scroll across the picture. It makes it hard to give Dean his vote – especially since the majority of them are ones he’s never seen and some of them he’s never even heard of. One of the titles jumps out as him and he glances at Jess’s TV set. It’s sitting on top of the DVD player where Sam and Jess apparently left it last night after they were finished watching it together with Jess’s roommates. He knows nothing about it aside from that, but there has to be some serendipity happening for that kind of coincidence to occur.

**_How about The Notebook?_ **

He gets a response before he can even put the phone down and pick up his pen. **_Lisa loves u but u must seriously hate me…_** There are tears on the face of the emoticon that follows up that message.

Even though he sighs, Castiel still smiles and shakes his head at his phone. **_Yes, well, that’s what happens when you send me a picture of a bunch of movies that I don’t know._**

There can only be one answer to a message like that and Castiel knows exactly what it is before he even gets it. **_I’m gonna fix that 1 day! U WILL B EDUCATED!!_**

His smile grows and this time he doesn’t care if Jess and Sam see it. Things like this give him hope. The familiarity of Dean’s response and his constant insistence that one day he’ll teach Castiel the waves of the cinema make him believe that maybe one day they really _will_ see each other again. He thinks about that while typing out what will likely be his last message to Dean for the evening.

 ** _Good luck with that. Tell Lisa I said hello and I hope that you enjoy your movies._** Judging by Dean’s reaction, Castiel doubts that he’ll like it as much as he something perhaps like the Lord of the Rings. Those are some of Dean’s favourite movies, though he didn’t like the books as much. Castiel, on the other hand, _did_ enjoy the books. He looks forward to hopefully one day watching the movies with Dean.

The last message he gets from Dean before he goes back to writing his essays is simple and, once again, expected. **_She says good luck on ur essay! Tell the other dorks we say hi!_**

When he puts his phone aside again, Castiel glances up again. As expected, Sam is watching him over the top of his laptop and Jess is looking at him out of the corner of his eye. His smile won’t leave and he simply shrugs. “Dean is not happy that I said he and Lisa should watch The Notebook tonight. If he didn’t want to watch it, he shouldn’t have given me an option for it.”

They both snort and Jess closes her book. “Good job, Cas.”

He grins at her, pleased that even she is amused by it. “He also sends his greetings.”

“How nice of him.” Sam rolls his eyes and closes his laptop too. “I move that the Council take recess to order in some nourishment before we get too hungry.”

“I second the motion.” Jess swings her legs off the couch and stands up. She puts her textbook down and gives Castiel an expectant look. “And what does his Highness think?”

Since when was he made royalty? Castiel doesn’t know, but he’ll accept it. “His Highness is going to finish the last of his essay before the food arrives. He also asks that the Council gets the _beef_ shanghai noodles this time. Not the shrimp.”

“Fine, fine.” With a laugh, Sam gets up too and leaves his laptop in his place. “But we’re getting the shrimp lo mein and there’s nothing you can do to stop us.”

“Treason!” He calls after them and their laughter as they head to the kitchen. That’s where all the take out menus are stored. There are quite a few good restaurants that deliver to the university and, over the last several months, Jess and her roommates have managed to amass quite the impressive collection.

For Chinese food, or what stands for that here in America, Castiel mostly shares the same tastes as Jess and Sam. He fully trusts them to order a few dishes that he’ll be able to share with them. In the meantime, he really should finish his paper before he forgets his word could. What was it again? Oh, damn. Well, he was only a few hundred off from the maximum. He’ll write that much and if he’s off during his edit, then he can add or subtract easily.

As he tunes out the conversation in the kitchen, he also forces out any lingering thoughts of Dean and his relationship. It’s none of his business and it shouldn’t bother him that Dean and Lisa are together. They’ve been together for a year now and there is little point in Castiel entertaining idle fantasies about his chances anymore. He never really had those in the first place, so what does it matter? Besides, even if he hopes for it, he knows that he won’t be seeing Dean again anytime soon.

It’s been _months_ since they’ve seen each other and Dean has been talking about teaching him the ways of movies since they first started talking. Despite that, the invitation has never actually been extended. And Castiel has never made the effort to do the same either. It’s best to stay away until his feelings for Dean have diminished. The sooner that happens, the better. Then and only then will Castiel allow himself to gather the courage to invite Dean to anything.

*

Of course it stands to reason that on the one night toward the end of the semester when his professor lets the class finish earlier than usual, everything just goes to hell. This is Castiel’s latest class of the week and it finishes after nine o’clock on Thursdays, and he hates it. Unfortunately, this was the only time slot this class was available and because Father absolutely _insisted_ that he needs to take it, he had no other choice but to take it. So when he’s allowed out of the class half an hour earlier than usual, it’s nothing short of a delightful miracle.

Usually, Castiel prefers finishing classes no later than six o’clock. He gets a nice break during the day between the classes to do his studying, but both Jess and Sam are in their own classes at that time, so he doesn’t get the chance to see them on Thursdays. More often than not, they do try to meet in the evenings after they’ve finished all their classes so they can study together with minimal interruption. Jess’s roommates this year aren’t as nice as last year, so they’ve been studying in the library or using Castiel’s dorm room.

Even getting out of class a half hour early still means that he’s getting out too late for him to invite them over. He _could_ , but his Residence Assistant for his floor this year is a bit of a – how would Dean put it? He’d probably call him a real _son of a bitch_. Last year, the RA did checks once a month. This year, the RA does it randomly once a week. Castiel has heard him threatening to write up other people living down the hall from him just for having a few clothes on the floor. It certainly keeps all the rule breakers on their toes.

Luckily, Castiel never has to worry about it. His room has always been perfect. It’s enough to actually impress the RA. He was gifted a little potted succulent plant for his nineteenth birthday from Gabriel and had been worried that his stricter-than-strict RA might outlaw that, but he didn’t seem to mind it too much. He did eye it up a little at first, as if he was going to say that Castiel isn’t allowed it, but there’s nothing in the rules saying that he can’t have a _plant_.

Needless to say, when a fire truck passes him by him and turns down the street his dorm is on, Castiel’s plant is the last thing on his mind. In fact, he doesn’t think much of it at all and hardly notices it. He’s focused on the notebook he uses as a schedule planner and homework tracker, trying to decide which assignment he should try and finish tonight. Nothing is due _immediately_ , but he doesn’t like to procrastinate. It just makes things harder in the long run.

Castiel comes to a sharp stop and looks up from his book. “Was that a fire engine?”

Curiosity, and a healthy dose of concern, makes him put his notebook away. He jogs the rest of the way to the corner and goes no further. His dorm is a few buildings down from where he’s standing, so he can quite clearly see that there are already barricades up on the sidewalks and the streets to keep traffic and people back. Students and residents of the dorm, many that Castiel recognizes from his building, are grouped together. And they’re all watching the very dorm that had been Castiel’s destination.

Part of the building is quite obviously on fire and an anxious worry twists in his gut. It’s thankfully on the opposite side of his room, but it could spread. Castiel takes a few steps forward before he stops. What good is there in going over? He has nothing of important in his bedroom at the moment that he needs. Everything is either on him or in his locker in the school’s main building. Even if he wants to ask if everyone got out, no one will really have that answer until a head count is done and everyone has been contacted. That could take forever. In the meantime, the clock keeps ticking towards ten o’clock and he needs to find a place to sleep tonight.

Gabriel is, of course, Castiel’s first thought. After sending a quick message to his RA to let him know that he’s fine and that he hopes everyone else is alright, he dials Gabriel’s number. It’s a bit surprising that he doesn’t pick up. The phone rings out and goes to voicemail eventually and the worry increases, pushing up into his chest against his lungs. Where could Gabriel be? Why isn’t he answering? What is he going to do if Gabriel isn’t able to come and pick him up tonight? On top of that, what happens now with the university and his dorm situation?

A hundred questions shuffle their way through his thoughts in the time it takes Gabriel’s pre-recorded voicemail message to finish playing. He might as well leave a message and then try Kali next. “Hello, Gabriel. It’s Castiel. My dorm building is currently on fire. I’m fine, but I need a place to stay for tonight. And possibly the next few nights. I don’t know. Please call me as soon as possible.” Out of habit, he rattles off his phone number and hangs up.

Next, he tries Kali. But her phone goes to voicemail too. His list of people he can stay with is quickly dwindling and Castiel briefly wonders if Jess’s roommates would allow him to sleep on their couch tonight. He leaves the same message for Kali and stares at the address book on his phone after he hangs up. He could try calling Jess, but he’s not sure it would be appropriate. Would it bother Sam if Castiel spent the night at Jess’s? It shouldn’t, but it might. And she has a few roommates. They might mind. Or they might already have given out the space to their friends if they knew anyone in that dorm.

Or maybe he’s just trying to make excuses to call the name sitting at the top of his address list. There are so few numbers in there and Castiel doesn’t know anyone who’s name starts with the first three letters of the alphabet. But he can’t call _him_. They haven’t spoken in a few days since Castiel is busy with studying and finals coming up soon, and Dean had an influx of repairs to do at the garage. Besides that, they haven’t seen each other since graduation. It’s been over a year now and Castiel is in his _second_ year of university. It would be too weird to call Dean now.

Or would it? Sam lives with Dean. Maybe it would be better if he called Sam instead? Then it won’t seem like it’s _Dean’s_ couch he wants to sleep on. No, he can’t bother Sam right now. He’s working at the campus bookstore tonight and he has another hour to his shift, at least. Perhaps it would be better of him to walk over there and just ask Sam in person?

This is ridiculous. If his crush _is_ still lingering, then all that is left is the romantic feelings. Anything sexual must have long since passed by now, right? Castiel is fairly certain it has. He can’t remember the last time he had an inappropriate dream about Dean. It was probably during the summer, actually. He hasn’t _had_ the time to think about anything else during the school year. There’s just been so much studying and homework and reassuring his father of his successes that he hasn’t been able to waste time thinking about anything else.

Castiel has Dean’s name selected before he stops from hitting the call button. Just because Kali and Gabriel didn’t answer doesn’t mean they won’t call him back as soon as they get the messages. Maybe it would be better for him to just wait at least a little while? Yes, a few minutes seems like a good idea. He’ll wait five minutes here on the corner and if neither of them calls him back after that, he’ll try both of them again. If they don’t answer a second time, then and _only_ then willhe call Dean.

It’s just his luck that Castiel ends up having to call Dean. While he waits during that brief moment of dead air for his carrier to connect the call, Castiel wonders if it would be better for him to just call a taxi and spend the night at a hotel. That way, he won’t be a bother to anyone. Besides, maybe the university will be making arrangements? He doesn’t know. No one has contacted him yet and he hasn’t gone down the street yet to ask.

“Y’ello?”

His heart actually skips a beat and Castiel almost forgets how to breathe. He had been thinking so hard about other options that he didn’t even notice the phone ring. This is the first time in nearly a year and a half that Castiel has heard Dean’s voice and it’s left him speechless. It’s been so long that he feels like he almost forgot what it sounded like. For Castiel, it sounds like comfort and nostalgia and good conversations over the counter of a café.

“Dean?” He sincerely hopes that his voice doesn’t betray just how hard his heart is beating.

“Hey, Cas.” His ribs tingle when Dean says his name. “What’s wrong?” There’s curiosity in his words. After a pause, it immediately switches to worry. “Cas, are you alright?”

Does he know about the fire? Would the fire engines have passed by his apartment building or would the news about this already be on the radio? What about the news stations? How long does it take reporters to show up on scene? From where Castiel is standing, he can see fire trucks and police, but he doesn’t see any reporters.

“Considering that my dorm building is currently on fire, no, not really.” He sighs and rubs a hand over his face. This was not the first thing he wanted to say to Dean the first time they would get to talk again.

“Where are you?”

“I’m –” That is not the question Castiel was expecting and again he is caught by surprise. He thought that Dean would have asked if he was alright, or asked about the fire, or something similar and along those lines. But this is new. Clearly Dean must know that he’s on campus. How else would he be aware that his building is on fire if he wasn’t?

Enough thinking. Answer the question. “Well, right now I’m down the road from my building. I don’t think I’ll be getting back inside any time soon.” He sighs again and looks up the street. If he doesn’t ask now, he never will. “I know this is an imposition, but would it be alright if I stayed at your place tonight? Gabriel isn’t answering his phone.” And Castiel is positive that he’ll have heard from him by then. After that, he can spend the weekend at Gabriel’s while sorting things out with the university.

It’s been so long since they’ve actually _seen_ each other that Castiel half expects Dean to say ‘no’. A warm bubbles fills his chest when Dean does exactly the opposite. “Gimme the street name. I’ll be there in five.” In the background, Castiel can hear the sound of a door being shut. “And yes, dude, my couch is your couch. Don’t worry about it.”

Relief feels _so good_ and Castiel almost wants to sit down where he’s standing as he gives the name of the intersection. Once Dean has it memorized, he sighs. “Thank you, Dean.”

“Don’t mention it, Cas. What are buddies for?” Dean laughs and his voice starts echoing. He must be in a stairwell or the parking garage. “I’ve gotta drive now, but I’ll see you really soon. Stay warm.”

“I will.”

Instead of putting his phone away, Castiel sends a text message to both Gabriel and Kali about the change of plans and the promise to call them tomorrow. He pulls his coat around himself to keep out the cool November breeze while he waits. With ever second that passes, his chest feels like it constricts a little more. Breathing is getting difficult and his heart just won’t calm down. He’s going to get to see _Dean_ again. It’s been so long and he needs to calm down so he doesn’t come across as too excited.

When the Impala turns onto the street, Castiel forces himself not to react. He does raise his hand to wave, but that is the extent of it. A large part of him feels giddy enough to actually bounce in place. If he were sitting, at least one of his knees would undoubtedly be bouncing as though it had a mind of his own. Castiel will need to be aware of that once he gets in the car. Oh no. The _car_. He’s never been in the Impala before. This is Dean’s precious car that he loves almost as much as he loves Sam. And Castiel is finally going to get to ride in it.

He feels ridiculous for thinking that this is almost like a dream come true.

Dean looks the same as Castiel remembers. Which is expected, really. He may not send picture messages _that_ often, but he does send them every few weeks. But his bright smile hasn’t changed – still as warm and welcoming as the first day Castiel ever saw it.

“Hey stranger. Long time no see!” Good Lord. His voices sounds even better in person. With some effort, Castiel forces himself not to visibly swallow as he gets into the car, gingerly sliding onto the front seat. Thankfully, Dean doesn’t seem to notice. All he does is nod at Castiel’s book bag. “That all you got?”

“I doubt I’ll be seeing the rest of my things tonight.” He sighs and glances up the street to where the fire crews are currently working on getting the fire under control. From here it looks like they might almost be done with it.

“Do you know how far it spread?” Dean asks as he puts the car back into drive and pulls a u-turn, heading back the way he came.

Castiel slides down in the seat and closes his eyes. It’s the only way he can stop himself from staring at Dean for the rest of the drive. “I didn’t bother getting any closer than this. I saw the fire on my way back from a late class and called Gabriel. When he didn’t answer, you were the only other person I could think to call since you’re in the area.”

That may not be the whole truth, but it’s mostly true. After all, he _did_ contemplate calling Jess or going to a hotel, it’s just that Dean was still the first and only name he looked at when he was done with calling Gabriel. But Dean doesn’t need to know that. He’ll likely only find it odd and unsettling and he won’t want Castiel to stay for the night, let alone actually wanting to see him again.

“Don’t worry about it.” Dean laughs and _pats Castiel’s knee_ a few times, sending his pulse and his blood pressure through the roof. “The couch is yours for the night and we can try getting a hold of Gabe in the morning.” His hand moves back to the steering wheel, but where he touched feels like it’s burning and Castiel can barely breathe. “So – uh – y’think the school will call you? What even happens when a dorm catches fire, anyways? Do they pay to put you up somewhere else or replace all your stuff?”

Yes, those are good questions to focus on. Castiel should think about that and _not_ how Dean’s hand was on his _leg_. Lord help him, he’s not over Dean. He’s not over him even remotely. This is _terrible_. “I don’t know.” He looks out the window instead of at Dean, or he might risk showing everything he’s feeling. “At least I didn’t have any effects in there. Just clothing.”

“What about your school stuff?” He sounds confused.

It’s not surprisingly, really. Castiel told him at the beginning of the last school year about his set up. He never bothered to tell him that everything was basically the same this year, just in a different building. “My textbooks are in my locker in the main building and I have my laptop with me.”

“Well, that’s good.” Recognition enters his voice and it starts to sound like he’s amused. Castiel focuses on that. “How in the hell do you have no personal things in your dorm room after a year and a half?”

Are they really going to have this conversation again? Well, it _has_ been a year. He can’t expect Dean to remember everything that he tells him. “I saw no point in bringing them from Gabriel’s.” Castiel shrugs and smoothes a hand over his bag. “He moved in with his girlfriend earlier this year and most of my things are in boxes in their storage closet. Gabriel keeps teasing that he’s going to drop it off, even though he promised to hold on to it for me.”

Dean snorts a small laugh. “Good thing he didn’t.”

That is when the realization hits him. Castiel frowns at the dashboard while he thinks. Depending on what happens with the school, he was kind of half planning on hopefully living with Gabriel and Kali and just taking a taxi to and from school if neither of them could drive him. Even though he _knows_ that they live together, that fact didn’t exactly _click_. Kali’s spare bedroom is her home office. All they really have is a futon and he won’t exactly get much rest on that if he has to stay for an extended period of time.

He must be quiet for too long, because Dean glances over with a worried look. “What is it?”

“Gabriel moved in with Kali.”

“Yeah, you already said that.” Dean looks ahead again as he drives down ramp to a garage door and swipes a card against a box on the wall.

Castiel shrugs and slides down even further in his seat until his knees hit the glove box. Wallowing in his unhappy realization feels better than thinking about how he can still somewhat feel Dean’s hand where he touched his knee. “I don’t know if he’ll have the room to let me live with him until things are sorted out with the university.” In fact, it’s looking like he might have to stay in a hotel near the campus if he doesn’t want a long commute.

He’s pondering about how that might affect his studies when Dean finally parks the car and does the unthinkable. Castiel’s heart just about leaps out of his chest when Dean puts a hand on his shoulder in another gentle pat. Actually, he’s fairly convinced that it does leave the space behind his ribs. Right now it feels like it’s tying a knot in his throat. His heart is trying to kill him. That is exactly what is happening right now.

Dean’s soft smile isn’t helping. “Hey, our couch is yours for as long as you need it.”

His hand can’t _really_ be on Castiel’s shoulder, can it? Just to be sure, he looks. There is definitely a hand on his shoulder. Castiel half believes that this is a dream and it won’t be Dean on the other end of that arm. Slowly, he follows the arm with his eyes until he’s looking straight at Dean. It _does_ belong to him and he’s almost positive that Dean just said he could stay with him and Sam for as long as he needs to.

Oh God, this _is_ a dream. How can he go from not seeing Dean for a year and a half to staying over for an undetermined amount of time? He can’t believe this is happening. He must have misheard him somehow. But he knows he didn’t. Dean made this offer _sincerely_ and it’s all Castiel can do to keep from outright grinning at him for it. Only a fraction of his smile makes it through, but he hopes it’s enough to show his gratitude.

“Thank you, Dean.”

“Don’t sweat the small stuff, Cas.” Dean returns his smile before getting out of the car and gesturing for Castiel to follow. “We’ve got your back.”

A hot-cold feeling chases across Castiel’s ribs and he ducks his head as he follows Dean toward the elevators. It’s been so long since he’s seen their apartment that he almost forgets what it looks like. They don’t say much on the way up, but Gabriel says that’s the unspoken rule of elevators. Whether it’s true or not, Castiel doesn’t know, but his hands are shaking where he’s hidden them in his pockets by the time they reach Dean’s floor. It’s been over a year since he was here last and even though he helped move most of the stuff in, Castiel still feels out of place when he follows Dean through the front door.

There’s a small closet immediately to the right of the door and Dean opens it. “Here’s where the coats and the shoes go.” He kicks his off and carefully lines them up at the bottom of the closet. Castiel does the same while he hangs up his coat. Dean hands him a hanger for his own coat and then backs away, pointing at the entrance to the kitchen next to the closet. “That’s the kitchen, obviously. If you’re hungry, I’ve got some leftover chicken wings I made earlier.”

“That’s alright. I had dinner before I went to class.” Castiel closes the closet and double checks that the front door is locked before he follows. “Thank you, though.”

Dean shrugs and smiles. “Help yourself if you’re hungry. We’ve got that filtered water jug bullshit in the fridge because Sam _swears_ that the tap water will kill us.” He rolls his eyes and turns away, gesturing for Castiel to continue after him. “The bathroom is at the end of the hall on the right. Sam’s room is across from it. This one is mine.”

While Castiel gets a quick tour of the apartment, he looks around. There’s a corner in the kitchen between the two entrance points of it that is going completely unused. The only things there are a few pictures hanging on the wall. If he had known that’s what it would look like without the table, he would have suggested that they make it into something like a breakfast nook. Or they should have actually put the dinner table there and put something else where it currently sits by the door to the balcony.

Dean ducks into his bedroom and Castiel hesitates in the doorway. He can’t bring himself to go any further than this into the room. That’s too far into Dean’s personal space and after the things he’s dreamed about happening in this room, he _really_ doesn’t feel right entering it. Especially when Dean has no clue of the things he’s dreamt about. Honestly, right now _feels_ like he’s walking in a dreamland. Castiel can barely comprehend that he’s actually _here_ and with _Dean_. It still doesn’t feel real even while he’s watching Dean go through a dresser in his closet to pull out a pair of flannel pants and a t-shirt.

“Here you go.” Dean hands him the clothing as he slips past, heading down the hall to the closet at its end. “This has all the things like the sheets and towels. I always forget the damn word for it.”

“Do you mean that it's a linen closet?”

“Yeah, that's the thing.” He laughs and pulls out a set of sheets and a pillow. “Sam likes to keep his shit separate, so this bottom shelf is his. Mine's the middle shelf. You can use any of it, if you want. Same for the stuff in the shower, by the way. Me on the right, him on the left. He's a prissy pants about me touching his shit, so just use mine to be on the safe side.”

Castiel doesn't know if he should be amused to learn this or worried that he had no idea Sam was like this. He never has any trouble sharing his things with Jess when they're together and Castiel has borrowed books and pens from him all the time. Is it just _Dean_ that Sam doesn't like sharing things with?

Summoning his courage to ask why isn't as hard as Castiel thought it would be. “Why is Sam so possessive of his things?”

“Because I'm an asshole.” Dean turns to face him after he pulls an extra blanket from the closet and there's a wicked gleam in his eyes. “I used to prank him without mercy when we were kids. Oh man, it was a beautiful thing.”

Ah, yes. He should have thought of that. Dean _is_ an older brother, after all. Gabriel must be cut from the same cloth because is rather fond of pranks himself. Castiel has had to suffer through them for most of his life, but he never exactly retaliated. He _could_ , but he didn't. Father wouldn't have liked it very much and he already frowned on the fact that Gabriel didn't. And since he was terrified of ever doing anything to disappoint their father while growing up, Castiel had to restrain himself and accept the fact that sometimes he would wake up with shaving cream in his slippers.

“You don't prank him anymore?” He's curious to find out, because Gabriel still does it on occasion.

“Yeah, but just tame stuff that he'll never know about unless I tell him. No more Kool-Aid dye in the body wash but plenty of rubbing my butt on his pillows.” Dean puts a finger to his lips and winks. “Don't tell him a said that.”

Castiel mimics the gesture, a small and amused smile spreading behind his finger. “I won't.”

With a laugh, Dean slaps him on the shoulder and turns him around to go back to the living room. “I knew there was a reason I liked you, Cas. Now let's set up your temporary bed. Sorry we don't have anything better to offer you.”

“It's fine, Dean, really. This is more than enough.” It's also certainly not how he thought he'd be spending the rest of his short evening. At no point during his day did he suspect that it would be ending with him helping Dean fit sheets for a much bigger bed to a couch (which looks more ridiculous than he has words for).

When everything is finished and Castiel actually thinks it looks halfway comfortable, he turns to Dean with another grateful smile and a heart skipping every other beat in his chest. “Thank you, Dean. I can't even begin to –”

“Let me stop you right there, Cas.” Dean waves his hands to cut him off and drops them both on Castiel's shoulders. “You don't need to be so polite and we'll mannered with me, okay? Relax! I know it's been awhile since we've seen each other, but it's all cool.”

It would be so much easier to not feel like he's swallowing his tongue if Dean would just stop touching him. As it stands, Castiel doesn't have any answer that he can give and he simply nods. His voice is lost to him right now, especially with Dean standing so close to him. Is he blushing? It feels like he’s blushing. Everything feels too warm in the room and under his clothes. Hopefully he isn’t. _That_ would be hard to explain away.

For a moment, Dean’s eyes drop to his hands and he stares at them before he drops his hands too and takes a step back. “I haven’t seen you in, like, a year and a half.” He steps around Castiel and heads for the kitchen. “Go change and freshen up in the bathroom or whatever it is that you gotta do. I’ll pop some popcorn, we’ll pick out a movie, and do some catching up.”

“We text often. What do we have to catch up on?” It’s curiosity that has him asking, not confusion or a lack of willingness to participate. “And how are we supposed to talk if we’re going to be watching a movie? That’s counterproductive.”

Dean stops and looks over his shoulder. He stares at Castiel for a moment before throwing his head back with a laugh. “Good point. We’ll skip the talking and just watch the movie. Make Sam jealous for not being home to partake in the sleepover.”

“Is he staying at Jess’s tonight?”

“Nah, he’ll be home after he’s done work. I’m just being a dick.” He starts pulling things out of the cupboards and gestures at Castiel again. “Go on. Get comfy. I’ll just be a sec. Oh, and if you need a toothbrush, we’ve got extras under the sink. Sam always has replacements ready just in case I dip his in the toilet or scrub my pits with it.”

Castiel wrinkles his nose and immediately wonders if Gabriel ever did that to his. “That’s disgusting.”

“I know! That’s what makes it so great!” His laughter rings through the apartment and it’s an amazing sound. It does a wonderful job of making Castiel forget about the rest of his worries.

He listens to it as he makes his way back to the bathroom to clean up and change. A part of him is worried that if he thinks too much about how he’ll be wearing Dean’s clothing in _his_ apartment tonight, then his subconscious might take that and run wild with it. That part of him is actually most of him and Castiel does his very best to forget that fact while he’s folding his own clothing and pulling on the flannel pants. They actually fit surprisingly well, a reminder that Castiel _has_ been growing. He and Dean are probably roughly the same size now – though he doesn’t doubt that Dean will likely always seem so much bigger in his memories.

To be honest, he also doesn’t mind if Dean does what to try and catch up during the movie. Who is he to say ‘ _no_ ’ when Dean wants to spend time with him? It’s getting late enough in the evening that they both have every justified excuse to just turn in now and not speak again until morning. This is an opportunity that Castiel can’t allow to go to waste.

Who knows how long it will be for things to be sorted out with the university? How long before Dean and Sam’s hospitality runs out? Or perhaps Gabriel will come and steal him away to his apartment with Kali, leaving Castiel little choice in staying here. Whatever that thought may be, Castiel is really in no hurry to leave or even to do anything else. For the first time in a very long time, he isn’t worried about getting his homework done or about finding time to study. All he wants to do right now is spend time with a friend he hasn’t seen in a very long time.

Putting all his worries and confusions about his attractions to Dean aside, Castiel really is just _very_ happy to be able to spend some time with him again. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Dean?” He clears his throat as he takes one of the plates to dry it. “I’d like to speak to you about our current sleeping arrangements.”
> 
> Unexpectedly, Dean winces. He pauses with his hands in the water. “Uh – yeah? What about it?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **There are no warnings for this chapter.**
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter takes place _during_ [Chapter Two](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3810334) of the _A Little Patience_ storyline.

After spending a few days on the Sam and Dean’s couch, Castiel has come to the conclusion that it only fits him comfortably when he’s on his side because both of them are obscenely tall. They must have spent _ages_ shopping for a couch that would have been long enough for either of them to not feel cramped when they’re laying down. Unfortunately, it’s not _that_ long and when he has a pillow under his head, Castiel has to bend his legs quite a bit to keep them from being over the armrest.

Right now he has them propped up on the opposite arm rest, but that’s just personal preference to help him stretch in the morning. He usually prefers sleeping on his side during the night anyways, though there is very little sleeping happening right now. In fact, all the sleeping has been finished and Castiel is staring at the screen on his phone. Should he reset the alarm? He could technically sleep for another half hour or so before he would absolutely _have_ to get up and get ready.

Gabriel is coming over to take him to the school and figure out what’s going on with the dorm situation. He apparently doesn’t care that it’s a Sunday. And if that doesn’t work, then they’ll be going out together to waste time until he needs to go to his Taekwondo class. It’s not a very exciting day planned for him, but at least it’s something besides studying to get him out of the apartment. Yesterday had been spent entirely at the library as a desperate attempt to not impose on the Dean and Sam any more than he already is by spending the last few nights on their couch.

Sleeping would be far better than lying here and wondering if he’ll learn anything about his dorm situation today. This was his third night on Dean’s couch and he _still_ doesn’t know much about what’s going to happen. So far, all he’s learned is that someone two floors below him had a prohibited hotplate and must have accidentally turned it on when they hid it at the bottom of their underwear drawer before leaving for the day. It all happened on the monthly inspection day, so it’s no surprise that the fire apparently originated in their dresser drawer and just spread from there while they were out.

By his understanding - and from simple observation of the building from the street - Castiel has determined that his dorm room was untouched by the fire. Everything will likely be a little smoky, but it should otherwise be alright. His floor looks relatively unscathed, but that’s just from the outside. The inside could be an entirely different matter. Unfortunately, the halls and the stairwell were not so fortunate to escape damage and no one has been allowed into the building except for trained professionals to do God knows what. All Castiel knows is that he wore the same clothing for a few days in a row and it was disgusting.

Thankfully, Dean decided to do his laundry last night and allowed Castiel to throw his clothing in with his things too. The generosity of the Winchesters is astounding and it makes him wonder how long it will last. He's verging on the beginning of day three here and they can't possibly be alright with him staying longer, can they?

Gabriel has been making daily offers to let Castiel have the couch at his place with Kali, but he's so far declined because this location is _much_ more convenient for everyone involved. Besides, Castiel has seen their couch and it's not nearly as big or as comfy as this one. But no matter how comfortable this is, it's still a couch and after sleeping on it for three nights in a row, Castiel is starting to feel a bit of a crick in both his back and his neck.

Any plans he had for going back to sleep are effectively erased when one of the doors in the hall opens up. Castiel puts his phone down and listens, trying to determine if it's Sam or Dean. Oh, what does it matter? They're up and it would be rude of him to pretend to be asleep when he's not. It would just mean they would have to take the effort to be quiet and that would be completely unnecessary. With a yawn, Castiel sits up and stretches his arms above his head until his spine pops in several places. He couldn't stop his pleased groan if he tried. It just felt _so_ good.

"Well hey there, sleeping beauty. I thought I heard your alarm."

Ah, so it's Dean. Castiel's stomach starts tying itself into knots just as it has every morning so far at the happy idea that Dean is the first person he's seen every day so far. It's obviously not the same as waking up next to him, but it's more than Castiel ever thought he'd have and he'll take what he can get where Dean is concerned.

He twists in place to look over the back of the couch and stretch his muscles a little more. "Good morning, Dean. Did you sleep well?"

"Better than you, I'm guessing." Dean gives him a sleepy grin before it's ripped apart by a yawn. He hides it under one hand while he scratches at his belly with the other.

Much to Castiel's dismay (and the delight of his hormones), Dean apparently has a penchant for sleeping in his underwear and wandering around the apartment in nothing but his boxers. It was a wonderfully distracting surprise on his first morning here. Every day has been a literal battle in his head to force himself not to look and ‘ _accidentally_ ’devote every line of that body to memory. If he did, his dreams would have a field day with adding those particular details to the dirty dreams that decided to resurface the night before last. It had been a very cold start to his morning yesterday when he stole the shower before Dean and Sam were properly awake.

"How's the couch treating you?" Every morning Dean asks same thing and every morning Castiel has the same answer for him.

"Just fine, thank you." When Dean starts walking towards him, Castiel looks away and masks it by twisting toward his other side. "Your kindness is much appreciated."

Dean snorts as he comes around the side of the couch and shoves the blanket completely into Castiel’s lap so he can sit. “Yeah, I’m going to call bullshit on that.”

Castiel very carefully does _not_ look at him. He already has an extremely good memory and just the few glances he’s had have been enough to have a very good mental image of what Dean’s naked chest looks like. What he hasn’t looked at enough – thankfully – is the arch of Dean’s hips or whether or not he has freckles on the insides of his thighs too. God help him if he looks at him any more than this. Castiel might start thinking of more than just the various different ways he could photograph Dean if he did that.

He clears his throat and focuses on dragging the blanket into his lap to start folding it. “I’m sorry?”

“I’ve slept on this couch before, Cas.” Dean stretches before he drops his hand to pat the armrest. “I know better than most that no matter how comfortable it is, it’s not the greatest to _sleep_ on.” He props his feet up on the coffee table and gives Castiel another lopsided smile. “Tonight, you’re gonna be sleeping in my bed.”

Staying here is not going to be good for Castiel’s heart. What Dean just said nearly makes his heart stop and he almost chokes on his next breath. It takes him a bit _too_ long to answer and it’s not helping that he’s now outright staring at Dean. “I – I’m sorry?”

Dean just shrugs and sinks down a little more on the cushions. “I’ll change the sheets today and you can sleep there while I spend the night at Lisa’s. She’s been bugging me to come over this week and I can spend the next few nights there so your back can have a rest.”

Does that mean Dean won’t be coming back here at all for the next few days? Castiel doesn’t like this plan for various reasons, few of which he actually wants to voice. The first causes a bitter stinging sensation at the back of his throat purely from knowing that Dean would be sharing a bed with someone else. He stamps down on that feeling immediately. Dean and Lisa have been dating for over a year and a half now and this is just _ridiculous_. Secondly, he _just_ started seeing Dean again. Why would he want Dean to start staying somewhere else so they _don’t_ see each other?

And, on that note, he can’t sleep in Dean’s bed in good conscious. “I can’t do that, Dean.” He shakes his head and runs his hands over the blanket in an effort to distract himself. It would be _extremely_ detrimental for his recovery from this crush if he spent the night lying in the same bed Dean has slept in several times.

“You totally can.” Dean sighs and slings an arm around Castiel’s shoulder. “I told you, you can stay for as long as you have to. But you shouldn’t have to break your back on this thing. Sleep in my bed for a few nights and if the university is still jerking you around, you can sleep in Sam’s bed. Or mine. Or go back to the couch and we’ll just keep switching up. I know Lisa won’t mind having me over.” He shrugs and gives Castiel’s shoulders a squeeze. Hopefully he doesn’t notice the blush Castiel can feel crawling up the back of his neck. “Don’t worry. We’ll figure it out.”

For as badly as he wants to tell Dean that he can’t accept this particular offer, another (very vocal) part of him doesn’t want to pass this opportunity up. Dean is being kind enough to let him stay here for an indeterminate amount of time _and_ he’s willing to give up his bed for a few nights to do it. It would be rude of him to refuse him when he doesn’t have a much better reason for it than that he doesn’t want to accidentally have _more_ dirty dreams about him.

Well, he’ll just have to try very hard not to have any dreams tonight. “Thank you.”

Dean gives his shoulders one more squeeze before he gets up. “You’ve got a shit situation with the university and you don’t even know if your stuff is okay yet. Like I said, don’t worry about it. We’ve got you covered here.”

He ruffles Castiel’s hair once, exacerbating the blush crawling under his skin, and heads into the kitchen without any acknowledgement of it. “You’re heading out with Gabe this morning, right?”

“I – Yes.” Castiel shakes his head to throw the stupor off and to keep himself from watching Dean walk away. “He’ll be by to get me in an hour or so.”

“Then I’ll make you some breakfast while you get ready. You need the shower?”

God, _yes_. And a cold one at that, thank you very much to Dean’s underwear. “If you don’t mind.”

“Sure, let me just duck in there a second.” Dean abandons the fridge to head for the hall. “Oh, and don’t forget your clothes are on the chair at the table. Unless –” He pauses and pokes his head out of the hallway. “Do you want to just borrow some of mine? Or Sam’s? You’ve been wearing the same thing since Thursday, right?”

“I’m fine with what I have, thank you.” He can’t even imagine what his body or his apparently overactive imagination would do if he spent the day walking around in Dean’s clothing. That is not a risk Castiel is willing to take. “Besides, I can just buy more while I’m out with Gabriel if it’s going to be a while yet. We’re going to check today to see if I can get any of my things.”

That gets him a double thumbs up and a “Good luck!” before Dean ducks down the hallway to use the bathroom. Castiel takes the moment to breathe and get himself under controls. It feels like his heart has been pounding against his ribs at unprecedented speeds for the last few days and he’s fairly certain he’ll die from it soon. This can’t be healthy. How could anyone live through this when they’re in the company of their crush? High school must have been a nightmare for the other students who experienced things like this far easier than he did.

He waits until he hears Dean in the kitchen again before he heads for the bathroom. As he’s passing the entrance, Dean calls out to him. “If you find out anything about your dorm, text me today, okay? I’ll be at the garage but it doesn’t matter to me. I wanna know.”

“Of course.”

His fatal mistake is actually looking. Castiel never should have looked and now he might very well have bitten through his bottom lip. Dean is bent over on the other side of the kitchen to rummage through the drawer under the stove for a pan. It’s a sight that Castiel has never been subjected to before and whatever budding problem he had moments ago from sitting next to a nearly naked Dean is now a full blown issue. Good Lord, he’s never going to survive however long he has here.

Castiel ducks into the bathroom before Dean has the chance to turn around. He locks the door and leans against it, eyes closed and breath heavy. This is torture. Whoever decided that sexual attraction should exist in the first place should be sued, arrested, and thrown into jail for the rest of their life. Either that or they should get the death penalty. Castiel had absolutely no say in whether or not he wanted this feeling and now he has it. He has it and it’s going to ruin _everything_.

When he first woke up, he hadn’t planned to start his day with a cold shower again. It doesn’t exactly surprise him that this is what happened. He _is_ temporarily living with Dean, after all. Castiel wouldn’t be doubt it if there would be several more showers just like this the longer that he stays here. And, of course, that only makes his stomach twist uncomfortably. It’s completely inappropriate to being even remotely aroused by the fact that Dean walks around in just his underwear.

Nothing about this feels right. Castiel shouldn’t be feeling like this when Dean doesn’t know about it. The two of them are _just friends_ and Dean is in a _relationship_ with someone else entirely. He shouldn’t be thinking of Dean sexually and he most certainly should _not_ act upon it in anyway. Thus the cold showers and self-hatred.

He sighs and starts the water running. Castiel needs to get his body in check so all of this will just _stop_. For a long while he thought it _was_ under control since it had been quite some time since he had a wet dream. It’s been even longer since he actually masturbated after one of them while thinking of Dean. While he’s living under the same roof as Dean, Castiel absolutely _cannot_ think about Dean like that again and he most assuredly should not _touch_ himself while he’s at it.

If he wants to continue to see Dean in person, then he _needs_ to get a hold of this before it gets completely out of control.

*

It’s been more than a week. Castiel has been staying here for over a _week_. The university offered temporary alternate housing, but they were doubling up on existing dorm rooms in other buildings. Although Castiel _had_ contemplated it, if only to escape from his hormones, Dean had insisted that he stay with them until something more permanent had been figured out. His reasoning was that it would be less disruptive to Castiel’s studies. Jess said the real reason was that Dean and Sam like having him around. Whatever it may be, Castiel appreciates it nonetheless.

But even after spending more than a week here, there are some things that he has yet to adjust to. For one, he isn't quite used to being walked in on. Whether it's studying, eating, or reading a book, Castiel is always caught by surprise when Dean or Sam enters the room or comes home while he was alone. So far it hasn't been much of a problem and no one has caught him in the middle of changing yet either. He's been very good about doing that in the bathroom when Sam and Dean are already awake or quickly getting dressed before either of them comes out of their room.

It wouldn't be a problem if they _did_ catch him with an open shirt or in his boxers, but Castiel does prefer his privacy. He even changes in private when using the track or the gym facilities at the university. Of course, that's mostly out of prudence to make sure that no one sees his tattoo. Before he got it, he had no problem with undressing around others. But he’s been hiding himself for over a year now and habits are hard to break. At least he's not uncomfortable about his body. Castiel is just not used to other people seeing him in any state of undress.

This morning, however, changes that. He muffles a yawn in his throat and staggers while balancing on one foot, the other poised to be shoved into the leg of his pants. For a Sunday night, he stayed up far later than he should have and now he's feeling the effects of this missing hours. It might be wise of him to ask Dean to brew a little more coffee this morning so he can have a cup before he leaves for class. It's a good twenty minutes too early for Dean to be up yet, but that's still plenty of time before Castiel has to leave. He likes to have all his routines finished with before either of the Winchester brothers wakes up so he doesn't disrupt their own routines too much.

The unbuttoned front of his shirt flaps against his chest as he leans over again to balance for the other leg. It's a true miracle that he's managed to stay standing this long and he didn't just drop back onto the couch to keep sleeping until his absolute last if-you-don't-wake-up-now-you'll-really-be-late alarm. He's been resisting that because he already pulled the sheets and the blanket off the cushions because tonight he gets to sleep in Sam's bed while he stays with Jess and tomorrow he'll be in Dean's while he's at Lisa's. They rotate constantly and Castiel _does_ feel bad for it, but there's really nothing he can do about it. He tried to talk them out of it, but they all insisted.

Castiel truly does have the best friends in the world.

Since there's still plenty of time before Dean is due to be awake, it's understandable that Castiel nearly swallows his tongue when the bedroom door swings open unexpectedly. At that point, his pants are only halfway up his thighs and his shirt is still wide open. His tattoo is completely covered and there's no way Dean would be able to see it, but he's still there and he is most definitely staring at Castiel from where he's frozen in the doorway to his room.

Apparently Castiel is unable to move either, even as a blush burns through him. It feels like his heart has stopped while he forces himself to look up and meet Dean’s eyes. He’s not as good at knowing Dean’s expressions as he is Sam’s, but he’s getting better with every passing day and Castiel is fairly certain that his face is currently painted with surprise. More than that, even. This might be outright _shock_. It’s making Castiel feel rather self-conscious and he quickly pulls his pants up the rest of the way. He doesn’t bother doing them up and instead grabs his shirt to pull it closed. That makes him feel slightly better, but that hasn’t stopped Dean from staring any.

“I’m sorry.” Castiel clears his throat and turns away slightly, as if that will do any good to hide himself _and_ his rising blush. There’s something about the way Dean is looking at him that’s making his blood grown hot. “I should have dressed in the bathroom. I wasn’t expecting you to be awake yet.”

Dean opens his mouth as if to speak, but nothing comes out. He closes it as Castiel finishes buttoning his shirt and closing his pants, doing his best not to shift on his feet and _show_ that he’s embarrassed right now. There shouldn’t be anything making his stomach twist and his heart stutter. It’s not like he had his underwear down or his tattoo out. Dean didn’t _see_ anything, and yet he’s still _staring_. What is there to stare at, exactly? Castiel? There’s nothing special about him.

It’s altogether too confusing and Castiel finds it difficult to meet Dean’s eyes again. “I promise I’ll only change in the bathroom for the rest of my stay.”

That seems to break Dean out of his stupor and he looks away sharply, clearing his throat loudly. “We’ll – uh – I’ll make sure that Sam and I do something like – um – announce before we come outta our rooms. Just to make sure, y’know? Yeah. Sorry.” His face is getting red and he tugs at his t-shirt. “I’m – I gotta use the john. You need breakfast?”

Castiel doesn’t know what to say. All he can do is nod. Dean does the same before he disappears down the hall and out of sight, the sound of the bathroom door closing shortly after. Once he’s gone, Castiel stops fighting his blush and sinks down on the couch to hide his face in his hands. His cheeks are burning and he hopes that will stop before Dean returns.

This situation feels more awkward than it should be. Dean walks around in his underwear all the time. Why would he stare when _Castiel_ is the one half-naked? Why would _he_ seem just as embarrassed about this as Castiel feels? It’s not like he saw anything scandalous. As a man himself and one with a younger brother, Dean should be completely used to seeing another man’s thighs and chest – especially since he goes to the beach often during the summer or he does yoga with Lisa sometimes.

The blush is under control by the time Dean starts banging frying eggs in the kitchen. By then, Sam is shuffling into the kitchen with a yawn. There’s coffee already brewing, but Castiel hasn’t left his place on the couch. He can’t bring himself to move yet even though he would like to do something to help. But he’s currently been more or less banned from having anything to do with the kitchen ever since he tried to make dinner one day as a thank you.

His attempt last week had been ruined when he nearly destroyed a pot by somehow fusing the pasta to its bottom. It’s _still_ soaking in the sink and he manages to chip off a little more of the crusted noodles every day, but it’s going slowly. Castiel is _sure_ that he had put enough water in when he was boiling them, but it didn’t turn out quite like he wanted it to. Dean refuses to let Castiel try cooking anything now, and Gabriel’s horror stories didn’t really help matters much when he had stopped by to actually thank Dean and Sam in person for allowing Castiel to stay here.

He tries to use breakfast as a means of distracting himself, but it doesn’t work all that well. Being caught half naked by Dean stays on his mind for the rest of the morning. And of course it’s painfully obvious to him that Dean doesn’t actually _look_ at him again before he leaves for class. That makes the bubble in his belly swell with worry, but Castiel does his best not to dwell on it. There’s a very small part of himself that he forces himself to ignore because it feels a lot like _hope_ and he’s not too sure about what or why he should feel any sort of hope from that. And either way, he shouldn’t be feeling it to start with.

That feeling haunts him for the rest of the day.

*

Castiel’s things are returned to him by the middle of the week. It’s just a few garbage bags of clothing, bedding and one box that holds literally everything else that he had in his room. Everything _reeks_ of smoke and as soon as he brought it home from the university (with the help of Dean and his car), Dean had taken the clothing straight to the laundry room in the basement of the building. The rest of Castiel’s things were set out on the balcony to air out.

By Friday it has officially been two weeks since Castiel started staying with Dean and Sam. And by Friday he also knows that he wouldn’t be returning to his dorm building any time soon. More than half of it was damaged by the fire and it’s unsafe for anyone to stay there until it’s been renovated and fixed up again. That could take the rest of the school year or longer, depending on what priority the university gives that. And now Castiel needs to find permanent lodgings that won’t interfere with his studies.

The options the university has been giving aren’t all that great. They’ve been working to change what _were_ single rooms in other buildings into double rooms and double rooms into triple rooms by adding another bed where there was space. There are _many_ unhappy people, but Castiel isn’t one of them. It’s not as big a deal to him as it is for others because he could easily find an apartment in the area. If he asked, his father would probably pay for it without question. But he doesn’t want to do that for more reasons than he can count.

He also doesn’t want to keep sponging off of Dean and Sam. Two weeks is _much_ too long a time to be invading in their home and he can’t keep doing it anymore. It takes Castiel a whole day to work up the nerves to talk to Dean about it. This is a delicate topic and he doesn’t want to sound like he’s being ungrateful. It’s actually the exact opposite, but he can’t help feeling bad for living here without contributing to anything. He does pay for his own laundry and helps with the food, but he knows there are way more bills than that and he can’t in good conscious stay here without helping with all the rest.

It’s Friday evening when Castiel finds the courage to confront Dean about it. Dinner is finished and Sam has left for his evening class while Dean does the dishes. Castiel may not be allowed to cook, but he has gotten into the routine of helping clean up afterward.

“Dean?” He clears his throat as he takes one of the plates to dry it. “I’d like to speak to you about our current sleeping arrangements.”

Unexpectedly, Dean winces. He pauses with his hands in the water. “Uh – yeah? What about it?”

“I can’t keep sleeping in your bed.” After a moment of consideration, he continues. “Or Sam’s.” In truth, though, he has much less of a problem with sleeping in Sam’s bed. Dean’s bed, however, smells like him. Even after the sheets have been changed, everything still carries Dean’s smell and it’s _his_ bed. It’s wreaking all sorts of havoc with Castiel and he can’t do it anymore.

Once again, Dean does something unexpected. He _laughs_ and turns to look at Castiel with a tilted smirk. “Are you seriously going to complain that we’re _not_ making you sleep on the couch every night?”

This is what he was afraid of and Castiel shakes his head quickly. “No, of course not! I can’t thank you enough for how kind the both of you have been. I’m just – I don’t want to continue stealing your beds every other night. You haven’t even brought Lisa over while I’ve been here.”

Dean presses his lips together into a thin line before he snorts another laugh. It only makes Castiel pout. “It’s _rude_ , Dean. I can’t stand that I’m essentially kicking you out of your house.” He fixes him with his widest eyes, knowing that they work every time with wooing Gabriel over to his side during an argument. “You should be able to bring your girlfriend back to your own bed.”

With a sigh, Dean dries his hands on a towel before he puts them both on Castiel’s shoulders and squeezes them tightly. “You _just_ got back the shit that survived the fire. And we’re better than any hotel that the university would’ve set you up with.” He tilts his head and his smile grows. “You’re kinda looking a gift horse in the mouth here.”

That’s what it feels like he’s doing, but Castiel clearly isn’t getting his point across. He needs to explain this without letting slip that he has inappropriate feelings for Dean. But before he can say anything, Dean puts his hand over his mouth and he nearly swallows his tongue at the action. Dean’s hand smells like dish water and soap, but his palm is still pressed against Castiel’s lips. This is more than the times that Dean has touched his arm or his shoulder or accidentally bumped into him in the apartment. But this – this might kill him.

“Listen to me.” Dean starts slowly and he tilts his head forward slightly, holding Castiel’s eyes with his own. “We know we don’t _have_ to sleep over at the girls’ places. We’re just not that big of an asshole not to want to help you, okay? Gabe doesn’t have the space with Kali and we’re cool with you staying, but it would be super shitty of us to make you sleep on the couch the whole time.” He steps back and lets his hand drop. “We’re doing this coz’ we’re _nice_. Don’t spit in our faces for it, okay?”

God help him, this isn’t carrying out the way he wants it to. Castiel shakes his head and frowns at Dean. “I’m not _spitting_ in anything. It just doesn’t feel right that I’m –”

“I know.” He cuts Castiel off with a smile. “But trust me, Cas, we don’t mind.” He pats Castiel on the shoulder again before sticking his hands back into the sink. “Hell, if we had an extra bed, we’d probably invite you to stay permanently. It would be kick-ass to cut the rent.”

Wait, what? His own bed? No way. Dean did _not_ just suggest that Castiel move in _permanently_. He doesn’t know how to react to that and quite possibly the stupidest thing he could say is what comes out of his mouth. “But you don’t have another room.”

“You could have the living room.” Dean shrugs and dries his hands again before turning to look toward the living room over Castiel’s shoulder. “There’s room in the kitchen to move our dinky little table. If we do that, there’s plenty of space for a single in that corner beside the balcony door, if you don’t mind the lack of privacy. I mean, we could totally hang up curtains or some shit if you _really_ need it.”

Castiel can’t believe it. Dean is talking about this as if it could really happen. He’s talking as if it’s actually possible for Castiel to _live here_. That would mean living with _Dean_. Oh God. This can’t actually be happening. He can’t believe it. He _refuses_ to believe it. This must be a dream. It _has_ to be. The only time Dean would ever make the offer for Castiel to move in with him permanently would be in his dreams. It _has_ already happened in his dreams – several times, actually. That’s what makes this so hard to believe.

He can’t even control his blush if he tried. Castiel’s face goes hot while Dean leaves the kitchen to start walking around the living room. Dean measures things with his steps and his hands, tilting his head one way or the other while he thinks. What is he thinking about? Where he’s going to put Castiel and his things? Right now his bags of clothing and his box of things are currently sitting in a corner of the dining where they’re out of the way.

“Dean, you can’t just rearrange your entire apartment for me to live here.” He intervenes as soon as Dean comes back to the kitchen. There’s still dishes to do after all.

“Why not?” Dean narrows his eyes as he picks up his scrub-brush and points it at Castiel, just barely missing his nose in the process. “You got a problem with this place?”

Without flinching or even acknowledging the brush, Castiel shakes his head. “I didn’t say that.” It’s honestly the _last_ thing he would say about this apartment. He loves being here and he loves living with Dean and Sam, but things can’t be this easy can they? It’s not possible that he could actually be allowed this, is it? Has Dean really already made this decision?

“Good. Then we’ll talk with Sam when he gets home from classes. If he’s cool with it, we can get the landlady to put your name on the lease too.” He nods as though that’s the end of that and starts scrubbing at the dishes again. Dean is smiling to himself, like he’s proud that he came to this decision. “I’ll get a hold of Bobby to check out his wood scraps for something I can use to make a bed frame and all you’ll need to do is find a mattress somewhere. I can make some under-the-bed Ikea knockoff storage shit for your clothes and we’ll get you some wall shelves or something for your books.”

Castiel can’t help himself anymore. He can still feel how warm his face is from the blush and now his cheeks are actually hurting from his smile. There are so many things that he wants to say right now and he can’t decide which one it should be. Of course he should tell Dean about how grateful he is for this opportunity, but there’s _so much_ else brewing in the back of his throat that he doesn’t even know where to start with saying it all.

He takes so long to say anything that Dean eventually glances up to see him. Dean’s smile grows again and he actually grins at him. “Do you want me to try building you a desk or something? I could rig something to fold out from the wall at the end of the bed, or –”

Oh God, that’s too much. Dean has already made the offer to _build_ Castiel a bed. Anything more would just be ridiculous. He shakes his head and gives Dean a small, thankful smile. “The kitchen table will suffice, Dean. Thank you.” It occurs to him then that this is the _perfect_ opportunity to deal with the thing that was bothering him the most about staying here. “And I can pay a third of the bills – or more, if you want.” He could afford it, if need be.

Dean doesn’t look away from the dishes, but he’s grinning at them while he cleans them. “A third is fine, Cas. I’ve got Sam’s ass covered, so you don’t have to worry about it.”

There’s something wiggling and happy curled up in Castiel’s chest. Even if Gabriel won’t be the happiest about this, he can’t wait to tell everyone about this. And Jess and Sam might be happy to hear about this too. Sam loved the idea of having Castiel stay here so far and Jess has been texting him almost every day to make sure that things were going well and to see how Castiel is getting along with everyone. She’s like the sister he never had and Castiel is happy for it.

He has to wait until Dean has left for Lisa’s after they’re finished with the dishes before he can do that. As soon as he’s alone in the apartment, he takes out his cell phone and sends the same message to a few messages. **_Dean asked me to move in permanently._**

Sam responds immediately, even though he should be in class right now. **_Yeeeeeeeeessssssssssssss!!_**

Gabriel’s response is much less excited. **_You have GOT to be kidding me._**

Jess takes a few minutes more, but when she does answer it’s nothing but exclamation points and emoticons that look like party favours exploding with streamers and confetti. Castiel takes this to mean good things and he sends them both them all the same response. **_I’ll be paying a third of the rent and he plans to put my bed in the living room where the dinner table is. I’m excited._**

To Gabriel he makes sure to inform him that this is a _good_ thing for everyone. He’ll have an apartment close to the university and this will actually _help_ Dean. Sam isn’t exactly _worried_ about their money situation, but he does want Dean to have more time and money for his own things. Castiel would love to help him out, even if it’s only in this capacity. It also means that he’s now going to be _living_ with Dean. Granted, that probably won’t be any good for his crush, but after not seeing him for more than a year and a half, it’s not like he can actually allow this opportunity to slip out of his grasp.

Speaking of helping Dean. Castiel draws up his conversation with him on his phone and sends him a message. **_Thank you again. I look forward to living here with you. When you come home, can we discuss finances? I’d like to work out what parts of the bills I should be paying too and how much I should transfer to you every month._**

After a pause, he sends another one. **_I would also like to retroactively pay the amount of the rent and bills that I owe for living here the last few weeks. Which I can’t thank you enough for, by the way._**

He doesn’t actually expect a response from Dean any time soon. It’s possible that he hasn’t even reached Lisa’s place yet. And if he _has_ , then he’ll be busy spending time with her. Castiel is perfectly capable of sharing Dean’s time and he can absolutely wait until Dean comes back tomorrow. Well, hopefully. He never actually specified when he’d be back. It could be tomorrow or it could be the next day. If he doesn’t come home tomorrow, he’ll likely text to tell Castiel that he can sleep in his bed for a second night in a row.

When his phone dings a few hours later while he’s reading on the couch, he’s surprised to see that it’s from Dean. More than that, he’s surprised by the _content_ of the message. **_Coming home early sorry u can still have my bed I’ll take the couch sorry_**

By then, Sam is already home and he’s watching television next to him. “Dean is on his way home.”

Sam mutes his show. “What? I thought he was spending –”

“Me too.” Castiel frowns down at his phone and reads the message over again. “But he said he’ll let me have the bed and he’ll take the couch.”

“Oh man. He’s going to be sleeping on the couch?” He runs his hand over his face and slumps back against the couch. “I bet they had a fight tonight and that’s why he’s coming home. Better to sleep on our couch instead of hers so they don’t just fight again in the morning.”

This is not good. Castiel may not like Dean’s relationship with Lisa, but he doesn’t want them to fight and be unhappy. Even Sam looks worried and that only doubles what Castiel is feeling himself. There must be something that he can do to help Dean right now. What are some things that Dean likes that might lift his spirits? Well, he likes movies, right? And there are boxes full of dozens upon dozens of DVDs stacked in the cupboards the TV is standing on.

“We should have a movie night.” Castiel announces and turns to Sam. “I know it’s late, but we should make popcorn and pick out Dean’s favourite movie and watch it with him.”

“Good idea. I don’t want him to be moping around the apartment.” Sam jumps up and heads straight to the kitchen. “We’ve all got tomorrow off so we can stay up as long as we want. Let’s watch a couple. You pick them out.”

That’s not nearly as bad an idea as it sounds. Castiel may not know movies very well, but he remembers almost everything Dean has told him. He is almost an expert in all things Dean. Or, at the very least, in all the things that Dean has told him since they started talking nearly two years ago. While he digs through the boxes to find a trilogy of movies that Dean has mentioned several times, Sam cooks some popcorn in the microwave and pulls a beer out of the fridge.

They have the living room completely set up and ready for Dean by the time he walks through the door. There’s three utterly _massive_ bowls on the table full of every piece of popcorn they had in the apartment. Sam has a can of pop, Castiel has his bottle of water, and there’s one bottle of beer waiting on the coffee table. Castiel is a bit worried that Dean will be angry when he gets back, depending upon what kind of fight that he and Lisa had. But as soon as Dean comes inside, he doesn’t look angry at all.

Dean looks perfectly normal while he locks the door without looking. At the moment he’s just staring at the two of them where they’re waiting patiently for him on the couch. The first movie is already in the DVD player and there’s an open spot on the couch between them just waiting for him to sit down and join them. Dean looks back and forth between them before he sighs and gives them a tired smile.

“Figured it out, huh?”

“Just drink your beer, pig out on popcorn, and enjoy the pirates.” Sam laughs and pats the open cushion. “We’ve got a whole marathon planned while our asses warm your bed.”

With a laugh, Dean kicks off his shoes and drops into the spot. “If you even _think_ about farting where I’m gonna put my head, I’ll rub your toothbrush in my pit and never tell you when I’ll do it.”

Castiel crinkles his nose at the thought and smothers a laugh of his own. That does a good job of masking the worried laugh that he and Sam share behind Dean’s back when he leans forward to get his beer. If Dean and Lisa actually _did_ fight, shouldn’t he be more affected by it? Either Dean is a much better actor than either of them gives him credit for, or there’s something else going on where Dean actually _isn’t_ upset by it for some reason that they’re not aware about yet.

If he was even remotely good at understanding relationships, Castiel might be able to accurately predict what might have happened during a fight between two people who are in one. Whenever he’s seen Jess and Sam argue about something, it’s usually inane things such as the toppings on pizza or the fact that Sam sometimes accidentally leaves the toilet seat up in an apartment full of women. Nothing was ever serious and they always managed to work things out when it was other things.

But what about Lisa and Dean? They disagree and bicker about a lot of things. What did they fight about tonight? Will it be enough for them to break up? Does Dean look apathetic about his fight tonight because Castiel was right and Dean actually _isn’t_ as committed to the relationship as he could be? That honestly wouldn’t make Castiel happy to hear. As much as he wishes that Dean were single, he still wants Dean and Lisa’s relationship to be a happy one for the both of them.

Dean slumps back against the couch with a sigh after he takes a long draw from his beer. “Thanks, guys. You didn’t have to do this, y’know?”

“Yeah, well, you fought with Lisa. It’s never easy to do that.” Sam shrugs and picks up the remote to pick his way through the DVD menu. “Figured we’d give you a break before you spend the night on the couch. How come you’re staying in the dog house even when you’re home?”

“I promised Cas the bed for the night. It’s cool.” Dean shrugs and rubs a hand through his hair. “And we only fought about the usual things. I told her I invited Cas to move in and she got annoyed that it didn’t mean that I was going to move in with her.”

Oh, dear. That really doesn’t make Castiel feel very good. He doesn’t like being a part of the reason that they fought. What if he also ends up being part of the reason why they might break up? Lord, he hopes that doesn’t happen. It would be a _terrible_ feeling to know he was a part of making the two of them so unhappy. Of course, that’s only if the break up is a bad one. Castiel does know that there are some relationships out there that can end on amicable terms.

Something about his thoughts must be showing on his face because Dean takes one look at him before he throws an arm around his shoulders and squeezes. “Don’t look like that. It’s not your fault that she’s being weird about the living situation.” He gestures from himself to Sam. “We want you here and that’s all that matters, okay?”

Castiel nods slowly and settles back against the couch. Dean’s arm stays across the back of the couch while they all get comfortable and ready to watch the movie. He does his best not to notice how every part of his body that’s touching Dean feels like it’s on fire. Will he even be able to focus on the movie while he’s practically pressed against Dean’s side? Unlikely. But he can certainly try.

While the opening credits are playing, Castiel pops a piece of popcorn into his mouth and glances at the other two. “I haven’t seen this one yet.”

Dean snorts and shakes his head. “Why am I not surprised?” He takes another swig of his beer before he points at him. “Y’know what, Cas? Now that we’re going to be living together, we’re going to have a damn movie education night at _least_ once a week. You, me, and maybe Sam. I guess.”

Sam laughs but he’s shaking his head with much more vehemence than Dean did. “No way. You can count me _out_.” He shoves a handful of popcorn into his mouth and glares at Dean. “I’ve been subjected to your tyranny for long enough.”

With a shrug Dean squeezes Castiel’s shoulders again. “Fine. It’ll be just us and we’ll do it while you’re out at basketball practice or some shit.” He stops and turns a hopeful look to Castiel. It’s one that makes his insides flutter and he had to fight not to blush. “If you want to?”

It’s all he can do to make himself smile and nod and not give away how happy this is making him. “I don’t see why not. I’ve liked everything you’ve had me watch so far.”

The smile he gets for that is like a ray of sunshine in the middle of the night and it almost makes him melt. “That’s the spirit, Cas!” Dean hugs him again and actually winks at him before he lets go of his shoulders to get the bowl of popcorn. “We’ll make a movie buff out of you yet.”

All Castiel can do is duck his head and nibble at some more popcorn. This is the only way he knows to hide the way his stomach and heart are fluttering in sync. Today has been a truly amazing day and he might actually have trouble falling asleep because of it later. It won’t help that he’ll be in Dean’s bed tonight. Would it be weird of him to extend the offer to _share_ the bed? It’s certainly big enough for two people and it _is_ Dean’s bed in the first place.

Without moving, Castiel shakes that thought out of his head. Being in Dean’s bed _alone_ is bad enough. If Dean was there too, he would probably explode. His heart would be beating too hard and too fast and it would literally kill him. But he can absolutely and will gladly have a standing date with Dean every week to spend an evening together watching movies. It’s hard to believe that just two weeks ago he wasn’t spending _any_ time with Dean and now he’s going to be living with him.

This is bad. This is _not_ going to be good for his crush, but he can’t help it. God help him, but he hasn’t been happier than he is right now for a very long time. Castiel enjoys Dean’s company and he’s sorely missed seeing him daily. He’s missed talking to him face to face too. All the joy he gets from that might be more than he needs to get through this. It just means that he’ll have to work extra hard to keep his feelings and his desires in check.

Castiel will just have to keep his fingers crossed in the hopes that he can do it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [The layout of the Winchester/Collins apartment](http://riseofthefallenone.tumblr.com/post/116591477133/deanssunshine-submitted-this-is-the-end) courtesy of [deanssunshine](http://deanssunshine.tumblr.com) 


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “It’s not ridiculous. It’s based on sound fact. Why else would Cassie spend so long texting with him and now he’s _living_ with him!” Gabriel turns a narrow eyed, suspicious glare on him. “He hasn’t _done_ anything to you, has he? I saw that hug. He _lingered_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings: angst**
> 
> This chapter takes place _during_ [Chapter Two](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3810334) of the _A Little Patience_ storyline.

Sometimes when Castiel wakes up in the morning and stares at the ceiling, he has trouble believe that this is where he lives now. _This_ is his home and Dean is just on the other side of the wall next to his bed while Sam is down the hall. Things happened so fast and it’s taking longer than expected for Castiel to adjust to this actually being his permanent residence. His name is already on the lease and all his things from Gabriel’s have been brought over too – not that it was anything more than clothes and books.

Within a day of the decision having been made that Castiel was going to be moving in with the Winchesters, Dean had already gotten spare lumber from his boss’s junkyard and Castiel had paid for whatever else he needed. He spent the weekend out at Bobby’s workshop cutting, sanding, painting, and sealing the wood before he brought it all back home to put it together into drawers and a bed. Castiel had wanted to do more to help, but the best he had was money and being in charge of finding himself a mattress.

At least he was able to assist with rearrange the living room so Dean had room to work. And he was also able to lend a hand whenever Dean needed someone to hold the wood in place while he used screws and nails to bring it all together. Castiel liked being able to help. It was just a small way of saying thank you for everything that Dean and Sam have done for him in the last few weeks. They even opted to leave the living room as they had changed it, if only because Sam and Dean claim they want to give him more room around his bed.

They basically rotated the entire living room clockwise and now the back of the couch faces the kitchen and its left side has been pushed up against the wall next to the apartment door. It _does_ give Castiel more room around his bed, but it’s not like he really needs it. He didn’t own very many things to start with, so this is plenty of space for him. All of his clothing fit in the three drawers under the bed and it didn’t even require very much creative folding to do it. Anything that needed to be hung up is hanging in the front closet next to the door.

Dean also installed shelves on the wall above the bed and that’s where Castiel keeps his books, binders, and the cactus Gabriel got him. There’s a very thin bedside table squeezed into the space between the edge of the bed and the door to the balcony. It’s just big enough for Castiel’s phone and charger. It has a little shelf under it and that’s where he puts his wallet and keys when he gets home from school. His dobok and everything for Taekwondo is just kept in his locker at school since he goes to his classes straight from there.

The fire in his dorm building may have turned his world on its head for a while. Now things have fallen so easily into place in such a short span of time that it’s no surprise that Castiel has trouble believe it’s real. He’s been officially living here with his own ‘ _room_ ’ for a few weeks and it’s like some kind of Christmas miracle. Sometimes it feels like this is a dream come true, and sometimes it’s like a living nightmare – just not the _bad_ kind of nightmare.

It’s beyond him to be able to comprehend how neither of the Winchesters has figured out that Castiel has a truly _ridiculous_ crush on Dean yet. They don’t seem to notice that half his showers are cold and leave no steam on the bathroom mirror. Maybe Castiel is a better actor than he thought? It always feels like such a struggle not to blush or show any kind of reaction to Dean when he walks around in his underwear or casually touches Castiel’s back, arms, shoulder, neck, hair – or rather, just basically anywhere. If Dean’s touches him in _any_ way, it always feels like his heart is going to explode.

It has yet to be determined if that’s from panic or joy.

But everything else – everything about living here makes Castiel so happy. He’s surrounded by friends and he’s never been so _not_ lonely in his life. Every day is one filled with happiness – even on the days when Lisa stays over. Castiel might still be on the fence about whether or not he actually likes her, but not _all_ the times that she’s here are bad. Though he absolutely dreads the day that he hears a particular set of noises through the wall he shares with Dean’s bedroom.

That hasn’t happened yet, but he knows it will. Someday soon, it will happen. Although maybe Dean and Lisa are simply being courteous and they don’t do that while other people are home. Or they could just be waiting for Castiel to leave for the next few weeks. As per his tradition with Gabriel, they’ll be flying across the country today to spend the rest of the holidays with their parents. Kali will be joining them the day before Christmas Eve. Until then, it will just be the two of them and their parents. Castiel is not looking forward to spending time with his father, but he can hardly wait to see Mother again.

He’s running over his mental list of things he needs to bring with him when he’s interrupted by someone knocking on a door. A smile plays across his lips and he sits up. “It’s safe.”

Dean’s bedroom door opens and he pokes his head out. “You sure?”

“The blankets will obscure anything too indecent for your eyes to see.” Castiel’s smile grows when that draws a laugh from Dean.

This morning he’s wearing a t-shirt coupled with his usual boxers and he stretches as he steps out of his bedroom. “How’s that bed holding up for you?”

“You don’t need to keep asking about it.” Watching Dean stretch makes his own muscles ache and Castiel muffles a yawn under his hand before he arches his back. “You did a very good job with putting this bed together. I’m certain it could withstand even the apocalypse.”

That makes Dean snort again and he shakes his head. “Well, at least the cockroaches will be have something to sleep on.” He flashes Castiel with a wide grin. “You good for some breakfast or are you and Gabe getting something while you’re on your way to the airport?”

A good question if there ever was one. Castiel grabs his phone to look at the time. They would probably have the time to grab breakfast somewhere before their flight, but no restaurant bought food has ever tasted as good as what Dean can make. He fixes Dean with his best pleading eyes. “Would it be too much for me to inconvenience you for some breakfast?”

“Breakfast bagels by Chef Dean coming right up – after a bathroom break.” Dean gives him a double thumbs up before he ducks down the hall – stopping long enough to bang on Sam’s door. “Hey Samsquatch! I’m making breakfast bagels. You want one?”

The response is too muffled for Castiel to understand. It could be anything from a yes, a no, or even insults for being woken up so rudely. It’s actually fairly amusing and Castiel smiles while he picks out his clothing for the flight and double checks his bag to make sure everything is there. Aside from the fact that he’s living with two of his best friends, Castiel likes seeing how Dean and Sam interact as brothers. It’s both very different and amusingly similar to his own relationship with Gabriel.

As soon as Dean is out of the bathroom, Castiel takes his turn. He showers, shaves, and dresses as quickly as he can to maximize the amount of time he’ll be able to enjoy with Dean and Sam before having to leave. Castiel won’t say it out loud (because he _does_ miss his mother) but he’s rather sad that he won’t be here for his first Christmas with the Winchesters. He was out Christmas shopping with Gabriel when they decorated the apartment and he was disappointed to miss that too.

When Gabriel texts that he and Kali are downstairs, Castiel has never been so unhappy to see his brother. He doesn’t want to leave. If his mother could come here and he could spend Christmas with her and his new roommates, he would be _extremely_ happy. Granted, with all the confusion of moving and dealing with the university and prepare for visiting his parents, Castiel didn’t have the time to find decent presents for his new roommates.

All he was able to do is put two cards under the tree – one for Jess and Sam, and one for Dean and Lisa. In each of them he wrote an I.O.U. for a dinner that he would take them out for – either together or separate. He wishes that he’d had the time to find something personal for each of them, but that just wasn’t possible this year. Not when his free time was spent at Taekwondo or shopping with Gabriel to find appropriate gifts for their parents and each other – and Kali, since she’ll be spending Christmas with them as well.

To his great surprise, Sam and Dean actually escort Castiel down to the lobby of the building. The biggest surprise is that Dean stays in his underwear and his t-shirt. Sam rolls his eyes at him when they leave the apartment, but he walks ahead of them with Castiel’s luggage in tow.

“Seriously, Cas, I could’ve driven you to the airport.” Dean throws his arm around Castiel’s shoulder and gives them a squeeze. “All you had to do was ask.”

“I know.” He gives him a warm smile and does his best not to lean into the hug. “But Kali was already driving Gabriel and I’m on the way. This is more logical, and now you get to go back to sleep on your day off. A win-win, as you would say.”

That makes Dean laugh and he shoves Castiel forward a few steps. “Fine, fine. I know when Baby and me aren’t wanted. I’ll let this go for now but we are _totally_ picking you up when you come home.”

“January second.” Castiel reminds him. He pats the side of his satchel where his tickets are. “I’ll be looking forward to being home.”

After a pause, Dean puts his hand on Castiel’s shoulder and draws him back the few steps until he’s even with him again. “You mean here, not there, right?”   

He nods. Of course he does. His parents’ home never really felt like home for him, if only because the majority of his life has been spent away from it. If anything, it felt more like a vacation house for him because it was only during holidays when he went there. It wasn’t until he moved in with Gabriel that it actually felt like he had a real _home_.

Castiel nods and ducks his head to hide his smile. “Yes, I mean here.”

“We’ll have our own little Christmas and New Year’s celebration when you come home.” Dean announces as they get in the elevator after Sam. “We’ll eat, drink, and be merry and all that shit. How’s that sound to you?”

It sounds amazing and Castiel tells him as such. That only makes the both of them laugh and that pleases him to know end. He likes being able to make his friends laugh and he _definitely_ likes hearing Dean’s laugh. It’s just as wonderful as the first time he heard it and he’s fairly certain that he’ll never tire from hearing it.

Since Gabriel and Kali are in the car just out front and there’s a cool wind whipping through the streets today, Castiel doesn’t ask that Sam and Dean come outside with him. They make their goodbyes at the doors and Sam surprises Castiel with a tight hug.

Dean puts his hands on both of Castiel’s shoulders to look him in the eye. “I know you’re not looking forward to this trip. If you’re having a rough time or something because your dad’s being a dick, find some place quiet and give me a call, okay? We’ve all got your back here.”

Heat flames behind Castiel’s ribs and it reflects in his smile. “Thank you.”

The hug he gets pulled into is warm and comfortable and Castiel never wants to leave it. He leans into it and allows himself the moment to wrap his arms around Dean too, his fingers curling momentarily in the fabric of his shirt. When he steps away, Castiel immediately notes the cold. Dean is so warm and such a pleasure to hug that Castiel never wants to leave it.

With one last goodbye, he takes his suitcase to the car. It’s Gabriel’s car today since it has plenty of trunk space and Castiel tucks his luggage away before getting in the backseat and waving to Dean and Sam. He’s still waving when they pull away from the building and if he were any more of a child, he would likely turn in his seat to continue waving out the back window. Once they’re out of sight of the building, Castiel settles in his seat.

It is _extremely_ unnerving to face forward and find Gabriel twisted around in his seat and hunched over so it’s only his eyes visible over the back of his seat. Castiel squints at him. “What?”

“How long have you had a crush on lover boy?”

Castiel almost chokes on his next breath. His throat works without producing any sound for a few moments and in that time, Gabriel reaches over and slaps Kali on the shoulder. “See! I told you.”

Kali’s eyes look to Castiel in the rearview mirror. “Or maybe it’s your ridiculous question that’s caught him off guard. Have you thought of that?”

“It’s not ridiculous. It’s based on sound fact. Why else would Cassie spend so long texting with him and now he’s _living_ with him!” Gabriel turns a narrow eyed, suspicious glare on him. “He hasn’t _done_ anything to you, has he? I saw that hug. He _lingered_.”

The heat that had previously been burning in Castiel’s chest has fizzled out and moved to his face. It’s getting hard to meet his brother’s eyes and he looks away to stare out the window. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Dean and I are friends.”

“But you want to be _more_ than friends. Don’t you?” Gabriel reaches over the back of his seat and strains to poke his fingers against Castiel’s cheek. “How long have you been mooning after lover boy? Better question – _why_ are you making googly eyes at _him_ of all people? You could do better, Cassie.”

Castiel smacks his hand away and refuses to look at him. “I could say the same to Kali.”

The only laugh in the car belongs to her and she giggles for a good few blocks. Even when Gabriel turns a glare on her, she merely shrugs and continues laughing. “What? It was a good burn!” She pats him on knee. “Don’t look at me like that. You know I love you.”

Gabriel huffs and turns back around. “I don’t like this and I don’t like him. Dean’s always rubbed me the wrong way.” He crosses his arms and Castiel notes that he turns to glare out the window too. “I always knew he’d make a move on you some day. You’re too damn cute for your own good, Cassie.”

“I told you – Dean is in a relationship and he hasn’t made a move on me since the day he gave me his phone number.” Castiel sighs and rubs his hand over his face. This holiday is not starting out very well. “Any feelings I _might_ have for him are irrelevant. If I had them, neither of us would be acting on them because he is very much in a relationship and I would not want to be the one to end it – _if_ I liked him.”

“You’re not fooling anyone, Cassie.” Gabriel shakes his head and twists a little more to turn his glare on him. “You’ve got the hots for a Winchester and now you’re _living_ with him! And –“

The car jerks slightly as Kali comes to a sharper stop than she should. “Enough.” She turns a dark glare on Gabriel that makes him recoil against the passenger door. “We talked about this and you promised you wouldn’t be an asshole about it.”

Castiel stares between the two of them. This can’t be real. Have they actually discussed any potential feelings Castiel might have for Dean? Why? Panic swells in his chest and he fists his hands against his thighs. If Gabriel and Kali can see his attraction to Dean, who else can see it too? Does _Dean_ know? No, he probably doesn’t. He wouldn’t have invited Castiel to live with him if he _knew_ , right?

Lovely. Now Castiel is left with the task of setting things straight with Gabriel if he wants to even remotely enjoy the long flight to their parents’ home or the even longer few weeks that they’ll be staying there together.

He clears his throat to get their attention. “I will neither confirm nor deny if I have feelings for Dean.” Castiel looks pointedly at Gabriel when he glances at him over the back of the seat again. “Regardless of what I feel, Dean is still my _friend_. As your brother, I ask that you _please_ don’t mention anything about your suspicions to him.” When Gabriel opens his mouth to interject, Castiel talks over him. “ _And_ I ask that you be a little nicer to him whenever you see him. He has been nothing but a gentleman and he opened his home to me. I would appreciate it if you would at least _try_ to get along with my friends.”

His request earns him a glare, which in turn earns Gabriel a smack in the shoulder from Kali. He faces forward again with a loud sigh. “Fine, whatever. I’m not making any promises about being _nice_ but I won’t say anything. It’s not like I talk to your friends ever.”

“Thank you.” Castiel relaxes barely a fraction and he slumps in his seat.

It’s the best he’s going to get right now and he’ll just have to make do with it for the moment. And Gabriel _does_ have a point. He’s only seen Dean once since he left the café was when he brought over all of Castiel’s few things that were in his storage.

Well, this is just a wonderful start to his vacation, isn’t it? They’re not even to the airport yet and Castiel wishes that he had never left home.

*

**_Its fucking xmas eve & im seriously considering sleeping on the couch tonight_ **

Castiel frowns at his phone and the message from Dean. He looks at the Christmas tree on the side of the sitting room and hugs his legs tighter. There’s a blanket wrapped around his shoulders and a cup of hot cocoa in his other hand. It’s always been a Christmas tradition for him to stay awake as late as possible on the couch with Gabriel. The first to fall asleep has to give over any and all candy that happens to be in their stockings in the morning.

 _This_ is how Christmas Eve should be spent. Dean shouldn’t be unhappy at home because he and Lisa are fighting again. Dean has been texting him for the last few hours about the fight and Castiel honestly doesn’t know what it’s about this time. Apparently neither does Dean. From what Castiel can tell, it seems to be a jumble of things. The messages don’t have much detail to them and are mostly just Dean venting with questions about why he didn’t come along on vacation with Castiel.

He gets the sense that both Dean and Lisa might be unhappy for various reasons right now. Someone quit at the garage and Dean has an extra workload that he’s been working longer hours to deal with. Lisa doesn’t like that, especially during the holiday season. And of course she’s spending more time at their apartment while Castiel isn’t there, which means she’s been bringing up the living arrangements _again_. Castiel understands the basis for her argument, but he agrees with Dean that she should also understand _his_ argument.

Of course Lisa isn’t the only one taking issue with things. Dean is upset with some of his co-workers who are also thinking of quitting and that’s bleeding over into the rest of his life. His temper is already short and Lisa is pushing buttons that have been pushed more times than they should – as Dean has pointed out. Castiel feels bad for everyone involved, including Sam. Since he won’t be escaping to Jess’s for Christmas, he’ll be trapped in the apartment while Dean and Lisa have animosity between them.

Castiel leans over to put his hot chocolate down on the side table to free up both his hands for typing a response. **_You don’t need to sleep on the couch. My bed is open to you._**

 ** _Thanks I dunno she just made me eggnog with a ton of booze in it so maybe we might be good?? Dunno man dunno…_** He can almost envision Dean’s defeated sigh between that and his next message. **_I just don’t wanna be angry 4 xmas yknow? Might just let this all go so we can have a nice xmas…_**

But wouldn’t it be more prudent for them to actually _talk_ about their troubles ? Maybe they should only do that _after_ they’ve both calmed down. Nothing can really be solved when emotions are running high. Castiel has learned that from pretty much every book he’s ever read. Bad things happen when people fight with their anger running on high. But Dean has been in many relationships and he has far more experience in these matters than Castiel does. He doubts that Dean would appreciate it if he made that kind of suggestion.

He sighs and huddles a little deeper under his blanket before he responds. **_Do what you think is best. Just don’t let things get WORSE._**

**_I won’t let them promise! Ur gonna have a nice home to come back too_ **

That brings a smile to his lips and Castiel picks up his mug again. He should be able to finish the rest of this conversation with only one thumb. **_I look forward to it. And since it’s after midnight where I am; Merry Christmas._**

Dean’s response is immediate. **_MERRY XMAS CAS_** And it’s followed with several emoticons that both represent Christmas and celebrations. It amuses Castiel and he sends back several of his own as well.

The conversation drops off after that, much like Gabriel has next to Castiel. His head keeps nodding forward only to be jerked back up with a snort. It’s only a matter of time before Castiel is the victor and he’ll lay claim to the candy in the morning. Not that he’ll actually eat it all. He’ll still give it to Gabriel eventually. It’s _winning_ that matters – not the prize. It’s something that he can lord over Gabriel for the coming year and Castiel looks forward to it.

He takes another sip of his chocolate and leans back into the couch to admire the tree. New Year’s Eve is just a week and a bit away and with it will be a whole different year. He’ll actually be _living_ with Dean and Sam for this one and Castiel has no idea how that will play out. But if there’s one thing he does know, it’s that it’s sure to be an exciting one.  

*

Apparently even having two holidays and a few weeks pass isn’t enough to stop the fighting between Dean and Lisa. Castiel doesn’t even need to be home to know that it’s happening. Dean always texts him afterwards, or Castiel can almost _smell_ the tension in the air when he walks into the apartment. On those days, Lisa is often absent because she’d rather be home than spend the night being angry with Dean and avoiding him in his own apartment.

It leads to many awkward evenings, in Castiel’s opinion. Halfway into the month of January and Dean is moody almost every day. He clearly tries to hide it, but Castiel can tell and he’s not the only one. Sam has developed the habit of spending most of his time in his room or at Jess’s so he can avoid everything. Castiel, on the other hand, doesn’t have a room to retreat to. He wouldn’t exactly say that he’s _forced_ to deal with Dean when he’s in a bad mood, but he doesn’t really know how to deal with it.

Really, it was only a matter of time before Castiel ended up walking in on a fight. He just wishes that he was better prepared for it. Of course it has to happen on a day when Sam isn’t home at all and Lisa is over because she’s planning to stay the night. It’s just Castiel’s luck that he doesn’t walk in on a phone fight. That would have been so much easier to deal with.

The moment he unlocks the door and steps inside, Castiel knows something is wrong. There is just something _off_ about the air in the apartment and he shuts the door carefully. No one is in the living room and he’s not sure if he wants to go any further and see what’s happening. The apartment is just a little _too_ quiet for his liking – which means the arguing must have stopped when they heard him at the door. Great. He not only walked in on it, but he _interrupted_ the fight too. They’re not going to like this – unless Dean is happy to have an excuse to end the fight.

His heart is pounding almost painfully in his chest as he toes off his shoes and slides them into the closet. Maybe it would just be better if he left? Unfortunately, that’s not really an option. Castiel drank a whole bottle of water during his last class and he walked home with a full bladder. He needs to pee and he can’t leave now that he’s here. It takes a moment for Castiel to get the courage to proceed any further into the apartment.

Sure enough, Dean and Lisa are standing at opposites sides of the kitchen. They’re both glaring at each other and they only stop to look at him. That almost makes Castiel’s heart stop. He can’t even bring himself to take another step when Dean looks away from Lisa to stare at him. The only thing he can think to do right now is lift one hand and wave at them.

“Hello.”

Lisa may not look at him, but she still greets him at the same time as Dean does. “Hi, Cas.” Her glare is still firmly locked on Dean.

She looks perfectly prepared to continue whatever fight this is, but Dean turns away from her completely to face Castiel. “We’ll finish this later, Lis.” He sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. “Sorry, Cas. What do you want for supper?”

Even Castiel can tell that what he just said isn’t a good thing. He shakes his head and frowns as he glances between them. “I’m introducing on something personal, aren’t I?” It’s ridiculously obvious, but it’s only polite to ask. “I’ll come back later.” After he uses the washroom.

“Thank you.” Lisa finally looks to him, but it’s only to give Castiel a tight smile before he glare and her attention is on Dean again. “We are having this conversation _now_.”

It’s scary to see Dean have to visibly calm himself. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes for a moment. Castiel has never seen him like this before and it’s a little unnerving, even if he’s not the one on the receiving end of the glare that follows. “I don’t see the point in continuing this _now_. I’m not changing my mind. I have other people depending on me and I’m not going to just drop them because _you_ want me to.” Dean crosses his arms and his eyes narrow into a dangerous squint. “I gave you my options. You choose.”

What options? How long has the fight been going on? Castiel is _so_ curious, but it would be extremely improper of him to ask for details. Especially when Lisa looks as furious as she does. Her face gets red and she turns away from him to get her purse from the table. He steps out of her way as she storms out of the kitchen with an angry “Fine.” spat at Dean.

Castiel’s need for the bathroom is all but forgotten as he watches Lisa pull on her shoes and slam the door behind her. The awkward lingering feeling of a fight is still heavy in the apartment and it’s leaving him extremely uncomfortable. Things aren’t helped by the fact that Dean is quite obviously doing breathing techniques to keep himself calm. Since Dean doesn’t appear ready to move yet or do anything else, Castiel steals the moment to use the bathroom.

When he returns, he’s pretty certain that Dean isn’t even aware that he left. But he comes back just in time to see Dean open the fridge and pull a thawed package of ground beef from it. Apparently he’s going to be making their dinner now. Castiel is tempted to offer to order pizza, if only so Dean doesn’t have to do anything when he’s angry. But that might be the opposite of what Dean needs now.

Rather than risk it, Castiel sticks to asking a question. “Are you okay, Dean?”

It takes Dean a minute to answer. He’s busy with pulling bowls and ingredients out of the cupboards. His back is to Castiel when he shrugs and answers. “I dunno, Cas.” Castiel’s chest aches at how Dean sounds so quiet and upset. “I think we might’ve just broken up.”

“Ah.” There is nothing more inappropriate for this moment then the _joy_ that makes Castiel’s ribs tingle. He hates himself for feeling it and does his best to ignore it. Dean is _sad_ right now and he needs to help his friend – even if he doesn’t have the first clue of how to do that. “My condolences.”

Dean only shrugs again. “Supper will be ready in an hour.” Apparently he no longer wants to talk about this. “If you’re gonna shower, do it now before Sam gets home and uses up all the hot water.”

Castiel didn’t plan to shower tonight, but it sounds to him like perhaps Dean wants to be alone right now. He understands. Dean is upset and likely doesn’t want anyone to see him like this – not even Castiel. With an unhappy twist in his stomach, Castiel retreats to the bathroom. He might as well do it now so he won’t have to do it tomorrow morning, but the entire shower is spent worrying about Dean and trying to think of ways to cheer him up.

If only he had some kind of experience on how to handle this.

*

This is not good. Dean went straight to his bedroom after they ate and he hasn’t come out since. Castiel isn’t sure what he’s doing in there, but it can’t be good. He’s been sitting on his bed ever since with his laptop propped up on his knees and he hasn’t heard a single thing through the wall. Is Dean listening to music? Is he on his own laptop? Is he taking a nap? Whatever it might be, Castiel can’t stop himself from worrying about it.

Which means that this is a good moment for him to figure out what he can do to _help_. Castiel opens a browser on his laptop and goes straight to Google. Bless it and bless the internet for its answers to all of life’s mysteries thus far. He can only hope that it will have suggestions of what he should do for a friend going through a breakup. It helped him figure out his sexuality, and that was the biggest mystery of all, so hopefully it will be just as useful now.

His hopes are answered within moments as he finds himself on a Wikihow page. The pictures are of two women, but Castiel will persevere through the article with his fingers crossed in the hopes that he can carry it over to helping Dean. The first step is _listening_. But Dean doesn’t seem to be in any kind of mood for talking. Castiel is sure that he had opened things up enough for Dean to talk if he wanted to. Oh! Step number two works with number one. _Be patient_. Alright, Castiel can do that. He is nothing _but_ patient with everything in his life. His friendship with Dean will survive this and Castiel will wait until Dean is prepared to talk – if ever.

Step three has an image of men and Castiel is relieved. That means this _can_ carry over to all genders. Good. However, step three can’t be done without step one. He’s supposed to _help his friend feel understood_. But he can’t do that if Dean isn’t talking. He’ll have to wait for that until Dean is ready to open up to him, but at least he can completely disregard step four in the meantime. Castiel doesn’t have any of his own previous break ups to avoid bringing up.

His stomach sinks when he reads step five. How is he supposed to discourage Dean from contacting Lisa? Dean has his phone with him in his bedroom. Castiel can’t just go in there and take it away, and he has no idea what he would _say_ to convince Dean that calling her would not be a good thing. And why shouldn’t he contact Lisa now? They didn’t exactly have much of a conversation today. A fight and storming out isn’t exactly working through any differences or rough patches. Granted, the two of them have been having fights on and off for a few months now. Perhaps the break up was the inevitable ending for them?

Castiel closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He absolutely will _not_ be happy about that. He won’t. Any delight he takes over this will be ignored and forgotten because it’s entirely inappropriate.

Step six involves distracting the friend within reason. Okay, he can do that. He’ll let Dean grieve for his relationship in his own way and try to do something with him maybe once a day. A movie should work, shouldn’t it? They have their once a week standing date. Maybe if Castiel offered to watch more movies on other nights of the week, that might help Dean be happier.

And that is the end of method one for helping in the short term. There is a long term helping option too and Castiel skims through it too. Step one and two are fairly easy for him. This isn’t Dean’s first break up, so he likely already has a grieving process. And Castiel already does step two. He helps Dean with all sorts of day to day things anyways – like cleaning the dishes, going grocery shopping, and all sorts of mundane details.

Step three shouldn’t be too hard either. He has fun with Dean no matter what they’re doing and Castiel enjoys his company immensely. Step four makes him a little worried. How is he supposed to monitor Dean’s alcohol consumption when he’s underage and unable to join Dean in the bar to make sure he doesn’t over drink. Would it be appropriate of him to contact Dean’s other friends and ask them to make sure that he doesn’t get too drunk too often? Castiel has the feeling that would be something Dean wouldn’t appreciate very much.

He is completely ready to help with step five. Castiel knows quite a few of the things that Dean enjoys doing. It shouldn’t be too hard for him to find things that Dean likes for him to focus on. And he can absolutely support Dean in anything that he does that helps him feel better – except for over indulging in self destructive behaviours. And he can definitely let Dean be angry like step six suggests. Dean was already clearly frustrated while he was making dinner and that’s no surprise. The situation was unfair in all regards and he deserves to angry about it.

Step seven is the final step on this page and it makes Castiel’s heart start beating harder than it should. His throat goes dry and he quickly back spaces off this page to go look at a different article. He can absolutely do step seven, but he’s not sure if _he_ should be the one to help Dean with it. After all, he’s a bit of a biased party involved in that step. How is Castiel supposed to discourage Dean from rushing into another relationship when he absolutely wants to be the next person Dean dates?

Castiel reads another few articles before he closes his laptop and puts it aside in favour of his most current book. He can afford to read for an hour before changing for bed and getting in some studying. He doesn’t have any homework tonight, thankfully. One of his professors promised that they’d be assigning a research paper soon, so Castiel has made sure to keep up to date on everything else so he’ll be able to give the paper his full attention. For now, he can relax with a good book.

If only that were the case. Castiel finds it very difficult to focus on the book itself when his mind keeps sliding right back to ways he might be able to help Dean cheer up. He can’t stop thinking of things they could do tomorrow that will help Dean get over this break up. And, even though he refuses to admit it, a lot of his focus is devoted to stop himself from thinking about what chances _he_ might have with Dean now. There are just so many things wrong about thinking like that, that Castiel doesn’t want to even consider it.

After all, he’s not even completely sure that Dean is interested in having a relationship with a man. Dean might have been the one to make a move on Castiel’s first, but he hasn’t seen or heard of Dean hitting on another man since then. Granted, Dean has been in a relationship with Lisa barely a month after he gave Castiel is number. But that all feels like _forever_ ago. Castiel doesn’t want to say for certain that Dean likes men too.

Maybe he likes them sexually but not romantically? That’s a possibility and it terrifies him because Castiel doesn’t want a purely sexual relationship. The _romance_ is the most important part of a relationship for him. There are so many things that Castiel wants out of a relationship – and especially one with Dean – that he’s worried he might be building it up too much and whatever he actually ends up in will never live up to his expectations.

Needless to say, Castiel’s thoughts keep him _very_ distracted for quite some time.

They plague him the whole time that he changes into his pajamas and gets out one of his books for class. Father might not approve of it, but Castiel does enjoy having one literary class in his schedule. The books they assign for reading have all been fairly good reads thus far. Reading it isn’t exactly _studying_ , but they’ll be writing a deconstructive paper about the book soon and he’d rather reread it a few times so he’ll have a better understanding of the story.

The last thing Castiel expects of tonight is to hear a thump on the other side of the wall. It’s the first that Dean has moved since he disappeared into his bedroom hours ago. He didn’t even come out of his room to say hello to Sam when he came home not long after they finished dinner. Sam has been in his room since then too and it’s been a quiet night for their apartment. But only lasts until this moment because the footsteps in Dean’s bedroom carry him out into the hall and straight for Castiel’s bed.

It takes all his self control not to flinch when Dean drops onto the bed. For a moment there, Castiel was subject to the very real fear that Dean might crush his feet. Thankfully, he misses by bare inches. Castiel’s legs are folded almost to his chest and he unfolds them to stretch across the bed as Dean leans in, looking _much_ happier now than before. His heart jumps to his throat at the proximity and a thousand possibilities flash through his mind. None of them seem like something Dean would actually do, but Castiel considers them nonetheless.

It’s actually a relief when all Dean does is pull the book from Castiel’s hands – not that he understands why the announcement Dean makes required that. “We’re not broken up and she wants to try living here for a week or two as a trial!”

All Castiel can do is stare for a few seconds, processing that information. A trial? As in, a trial to see if she’s able to live with them permanently? It won’t be just Castiel, Dean, and Sam anymore. It would be the three of them _and_ Lisa. Really? His heart sinks into his stomach, but Castiel still forces a smile.

“That’s good news.”

It’s not.

Dean’s smile drops for a moment and his eyes grow wide. He drops the book in Castiel’s lap and leans forward close enough that their noses nearly touch. His heartbeat starts pounding so loudly in his ears that Castiel nearly misses what Dean says next. “This doesn’t mean I’m telling you to move out, okay? I want you to stay too. You’ve been a friend for longer than I’ve known Lisa and we’re not going to kick you out. Ever.”

That wasn’t even one of Castiel’s worries, but he’s glad Dean addressed it anyways. His smiles becomes a little less forced and Castiel puts a hand to Dean’s chest, if only to push him back enough so that he can breathe without feeling like Dean can hear his heartbeat. “Don’t worry, Dean. I know.”

“Good.”

He nods as if he’s satisfied with that answer, but he doesn’t move away. Dean stays still, leaning in and making it very hard for Castiel to focus on anything else but the green of Dean’s eyes. Castiel already knew that his eyes were beautiful, and staring at them now only remind him of it. His fingertips are burning where they’re touching Dean’s chest, even though there’s a shirt keeping them from having skin touching skin.

Castiel has no idea of how much time has passed before they hear Sam’s bedroom door open. “Coming outta my room!”

Dean springs up from the bed before Sam has finished speaking. Disappointment floods Castiel’s chest as Dean turns around quickly and quickly makes his way into the kitchen. “Hey, Sammy! I’m going to be making celebratory pancakes in the morning. You gonna be up in time for some?”

His fingers still tingle and Castiel doesn’t move to follow or be a part of the conversation. Sam talks over the sound of the fridge being opened. “Celebratory? For what?”

The joy in Dean’s voice should make Castiel happy too, but all it does is make his chest hurt. “Lisa is temporarily moving in to see if she can tolerate our manly testosterone enough to move in for real.”

There’s the sound of a high five and not long after, Dean is back out in the hall. He gives Castiel a double thumbs up as he walks backwards down the hallway prior to ducking into the bathroom. Sam appears in the doorway to the kitchen with a glass of milk in his hand. When Castiel looks to him, he raises both his eyebrows in the kind of look that Castiel has long since learned is a silent question. But what is the question itself? Is he wondering what Castiel things of this? Or is he making a comment about Lisa moving in? Does he not like that Lisa is going to move in?

Castiel doesn’t want to be the one to be a damper on Dean’s happiness right now. He forces another smile, shrugs, and picks up his book again. Hopefully he’ll actually be able to handle this. It’s already somewhat difficult to be in the same room with Dean and Lisa when they’re sitting on the couch together while watching TV. If Lisa moves in, things might just get more awkward and more difficult for him and he doesn’t want his chest to hurt any more than this.

Hopefully this doesn’t mean that he’ll have to move out one day soon.

*

Having Lisa live with them honestly doesn’t change much. The only real difference is in Castiel’s desire to be home. He still loves living with Dean and Sam, but he doesn’t particularly enjoy having Lisa here with them. Just having her around for a visit or staying over for one night is fine, but when she’s here, Castiel is just hyper aware of the presence of others. It’s like he can’t _stop_ noticing where she is and where Dean is in correlation to her.

Before she came to live with them, Castiel didn’t mind that he doesn’t get very much alone time when he’s sitting on his bed. Dean or Sam would be in the living room or in the kitchen, but he never minded it so much. Now he finds himself constantly distracted by how Lisa and Dean are often spending time on the couch together. Granted, he prefers them being there more than he does having them alone in Dean’s bedroom with the door shut.

If they’re on the couch, the chances of hearing a certain set of sounds decreases to _nothing_. Sam had made it clear to everyone that Dean and Lisa are not allowed to engage in any kind of inappropriate touching in the common areas of the apartment. They have to keep it to Dean’s bedroom – which is unfortunate, because Castiel shares a wall with that room and he knows without a doubt that he will be able to hear any and all sounds if they choose to do anything.

Honestly, hearing anything like giggles, moans, or the squeaking of bedsprings is Castiel’s worst fear. He dreads it from the moment that Lisa walks through the front door with her suitcase in tow. Every night when everyone goes to bed and every morning when he wakes up, Castiel is terrified that he’s going to hear it. Just thinking about it and what it’s associated to makes his heart feel like it’s caught in a vise and the crank is slowly being twisted, tightening until his entire chest hurts.

It must be some kind of record or a blessing that the first two days go by without any problems. The third day, however, is not so lucky. It’s a Saturday afternoon and Castiel is diligently working away on the promised paper his professor gave them the other day. Maybe if he had chosen to work at the table in the kitchen instead, he might have stood a chance with not hearing things – especially if he had worn some head phones and listened to music while he was working.

The moment he hears a giggle and a thump, Castiel’s heart stops and he turns a horrified stare on the wall. No, please, no. He doesn’t want to listen to that. He doesn’t want to be _here_ when it happens. Is this even normal? Do people actually have sex in the middle of the day while their roommates are home? That feels ridiculously – God, help him, he doesn’t even have words for it. Rude? Impolite? No, those are the same thing. _Inconsiderate_.

A sick twist starts curling in his stomach and Castiel barely remembers to save his document before he shuts his laptop. He’s lucky that he remembers his phone or his keys as he jumps up from the bed. It doesn’t matter that he’s in sweatpants and an old sweater. All he knows is that he _needs_ to get out of this apartment before he hears anything more. A sting is burning his nose and this is _not_ something that Castiel will cry over. It absolutely will not be.  

As Castiel pulls his shoes on, he hears music start up from down the hall. It’s quickly silenced, which means Sam actually put on headphones and decided to drown them out instead of leaving. Then again, he has far more experience with hearing things like this then Castiel has. He also doesn’t harbor secret and absolutely _horrible_ feelings for one of the people in Dean’s bedroom.

Playing music would certainly allow Castiel to keep working on his paper, but he knows it’s not possible. That’s why he’s out the door before he’s even pulled on his coat. He can’t be just one room over while Dean and Lisa are – while they’re – while Dean is _loving_ someone else. His everything is aching and he feels like he’s going to be sick and he just needs to _get away_ before he hears anything else – and especially before his mind starts picturing what might be happening on the other side of that wall.

Castiel doesn’t really have any plans for where he’s going to go or what he’s going to do, but a walk sure sounds like a better plan than the alternative right now. Because he uses the track at the university, Castiel doesn’t actually have a route for this area that he would normally take for a jog. He doesn’t know the streets as well as he could, but maybe he _can_ make the best of this situation. This is the perfect opportunity to explore and while he might not have his camera on him now, he still has the not-so-great one on his phone.

Though that might be his plan, Castiel never does make it farther than around the corner from the apartment block. As soon as he notices the cat trees in the window and the paw prints painted on the class, Castiel doesn’t think twice about ducking into the pet store. He never knew there was one here and he’s always been enthralled with the idea of a pet. Of course he won’t be able to have one for a long while yet, but it can’t hurt to just _look_ at them, right? Maybe a cute animal will be enough to distract him from this upset that’s making him feel physically ill.

There’s a curly haired brunette standing behind the cashier’s desk and sorting treat bones into a few bins. She’s wearing an apron with the name _Amelia_ stitched across it. When the bell rings above the door, she glances up with a smile and an automatic response. “Welcome!”

Something about his inner turmoil must be showing on Castiel’s face, because Amelia immediately stops what she’s doing and looks far too concerned for her own good. “Well that’s one hell of a long face.”

Castiel shrugs and wanders towards the side of the store full of glass looking into narrow rooms full of cats and dogs. Some have older cats, or only one big dog. And some have a whole litter of kittens and puppies in them. They’re all so cute and Castiel crouches by the glass when one puppy comes over to see him. Maybe these little ones will be able to distract him from thinking about what’s happening back in his apartment right now.

The worst part is that this is all bound to happen again, and again, and again. And Castiel is fairly certain that he just doesn’t have it in him to confront Dean about it. What is he supposed to say? ‘Please don’t ever have sex with your girlfriend because it reminds me that you’re not mine and that might slowly be killing me because I think I might be falling in love with you a little bit more for every day that we live together?’ Oh yes, that would just go over _so well_.

Of course, he could just tell Dean that it makes him uncomfortable when they have sex while he’s home. In the future – and especially if Lisa is going to move in with them – he would prefer that they show some form of discretion and wait until they have the apartment alone. That might be a little hard considering the fact that Castiel is always in the apartment if he’s not in class or at Taekwondo. With all his course work, he doesn’t really have the time to do anything else.

Amelia doesn’t seem to be accepting Castiel’s silence. She’s at his shoulder within a moment. “Would you like to see one of the puppies? You sure look like you need it.”

“I’d like that. Thank you.” He stands up, but he can’t bring himself to smile at her. Instead, Castiel rubs a hand over his face and glances at the door. “How long am I allowed to stay? My roommate is having sex with his girlfriend in our apartment and I have no idea what I’m supposed to do.”

After a moment, Castiel realizes that he probably shouldn’t have said that. Amelia is a stranger to him and even then, that’s not something you would actually say to a friend, is it? Would Castiel tell that to Jess? Well, yes, he would. But she’s one of his best friends and she’s also known Dean longer than Castiel has. This would likely be one of the situations where Gabriel would tell him that he’s over sharing.  Well, too bad. It’s a good thing, then, that Castiel doesn’t care about pretty much _anything_ right now.

“Oh, ouch.” Amelia winces and glances around the store. “Well, we’re not exactly busy right now. Feel free to stay as long as you need. We’ve got a back room where you can visit with one of the puppies.” She starts towards the back of the store, gesturing for him to follow.

“Thank you.” Castiel takes off his coat and hangs it on the back of the door once they enter a play room. It also has windows opening it to the rest of the store. There are a pillows scattered on the floor and variety of toys in baskets against one wall.

She stops at a door leading even further into the back halls of the store and turns to him with a wink, her finger to her lips. “This is going to be our little secret, okay? Only prospective buyers are supposed to be in here and all the puppies are actually already adopted. They’re just waiting to be old enough to go home with their new families.”

“This is much appreciated, thank you.” He nods in understanding and takes a seat on one of the pillows on the floor.

Amelia winks at him again. “It’s no problem. We’ve all been in your shoes.”

Castiel sincerely doubts that she means that in his particular sense. It almost makes him tempted to tell her that he has feelings for his roommate, or that he wishes _he_ was the one in that room with Dean. Would Amelia be so sympathetic if he told her that he’s jealous of Lisa for being the one Dean’s holding right now? No, no, _no_. He isn’t supposed to be thinking of things like this. Castiel went for a walk and came here because he was trying to _escape_ from thoughts like that.

It’s an easier thing to do when the puppy is introduced to the room and he ends up with a lapful of wiggling Golden Retriever. Amelia leaves him alone in the room while she returns to the store and Castiel is more than happy to be alone with the puppy. He’s so enthralled by the little ball of energy that he actually loses track of time rather easily. Castiel doesn’t even know how many games of tug-of-war he played or belly scratches he’s given before his phone pings with a message.

The puppy stretches across a pillow when Castiel gets up for his phone. It’s a message from Sam and he’s almost afraid to check it. Thankfully, the two word message gives him some of the best news he’s heard all day. **_It’s safe._**

With a sigh, he pulls on his coat and reaches down to give the puppy one more scratch. “Thank you for playing with me. I hope you enjoy your new home.”

He gets a few whines as he goes out the door, and Castiel hates to ignore it. Instead, he focuses on replying to Sam’s text. **_Thank you._**

Castiel thanks Amelia on his way past the counter and he wishes that there was something he could buy here. But he doesn’t know anyone with a pet and he certainly doesn’t have one of his own. There aren’t even any donation cans sitting on the table that he could drop some coins into. Amelia doesn’t seem to mind. She waves him out of the store with a shrug, a smile, and a wink.

Another message arrives when he’s halfway back to the building. **_Between u and me… I kinda hope Lisa doesn’t want to move in for good… We’ll hear that A LOT more often if she does…_**

Something dark and unhappy curls through him and Castiel swallows against a bitter taste burning the back of his tongue. **_I agree._** Though for similar yet entirely different reasons, he’s sure.

The worst part about this is that he wants to like Lisa. He knows she’s a nice person and that they could probably have been friends at some point if he didn’t have these feelings for Dean. Castiel hates feeling like this and he doesn’t want to have to move out to stop this feeling or be the one to tell Dean that he doesn’t want Lisa to move in. He hasn’t even been living with Dean and Sam for a whole two months. Is that enough time for him to be allowed to complain about someone’s sex life and having their significant other around?

This whole thing has Castiel torn straight down the middle. On one hand he really does hope that Dean and Lisa’s relationship will work out for the best. They both deserve to be happy and he truly does wish that for them. But the other half of him is the worst and he _hates_ it. That bitter, selfish, horrible part of him secretly wishes that everything will crash and burn – if only because _he_ wants a chance with Dean. Even though he’s fairly certain it won’t happen even if Dean is single.

Castiel makes a silent prayer as he takes the stairs up to their apartment. He hopes that Dean and Lisa will be happy, but he begs anyone who will listen that if Lisa does move in, they’ll both learn a little decency. There are plenty of other times throughout the week that they could have sex instead. Otherwise, he’ll have to confront someone about it and he really hopes that he doesn’t have to.

*

It’s been a week and a half and Castiel has given up all hope of either of them learning any sort of discretion. Sam had a talk with Dean literally the same day it first happened, but all that means is that Dean and Lisa don’t have sex in the middle of the day. Castiel is certain that they do it when he’s not home, but they also still do it at times of the day when he _is_ home. Though they might assume that he’s sleeping at those particularly early or late hours.

Unfortunately for him, Castiel is very much _not_ sleeping at those times. He might have _been_ sleeping, but somehow he always manages to wake up the moment bed springs start squeaking – even _if_ Lisa and Dean are being quiet themselves. Which is odd because he is, by no means, a light sleeper. Castiel is a perfectly normal sleeper. But that particular set of sounds associated to sex just wake him up immediately no matter what.

Thankfully, Lisa announced a few days ago that she’ll be making her decision today. In fact, it’s been ten whole minutes since she asked to speak to Dean in private in his bedroom. Since then, Castiel hasn’t heard anything more than murmured voices. To give them their privacy, he moved to the far end of the couch by the front door to put as much space between him and Dean’s room as possible so he wouldn’t overhear anything he wasn’t supposed to. What they discuss is between them and them alone.

But if Lisa does decide that she actually wants to live with them, Castiel won’t do anything to stop it. The extra break in the rent will help everyone – not that Castiel is the one who needs it. But Dean and Sam would no doubt appreciate it. Sam seems worried about how much money Dean has for things, which means that Dean is worried about it too in some way. And that means there is no way Castiel can be selfish enough to express that he doesn’t want Lisa to move in.

Besides, he’s already made up his mind that he will be investing in noise cancelling headphones that he can plug his music into. The hours that they’ve switched to having sex during are too late or too early for him to walk to the pet store – though he has been back there when he’s feeling particularly upset about this situation. Amelia lets him play with any and all animals in that back room and it does wonders to make him feel better.

Castiel has the TV on to drown out any voices he might accidentally hear, though he’s not actually watching it. He’s too worried about what the result of this talk will be. Will Lisa move in? Will she not? Aside from his own dislike for Dean and Lisa having sex, Castiel thinks that the last week has gone fairly well. Everyone has been pleasant to each other and Lisa seemed like she was enjoying herself. There were some nights where things were actually _fun_ and they all enjoyed sitting in the living room and watching a movie together.

He runs over everything that happened in the last week and a half while he waits for the announcement. Of all the many things that could happen, Castiel is expecting them all – including the one where Lisa comes out of the bedroom with her suitcase and her purse. She gives Castiel a sad smile, but doesn’t say anything as she puts her shoes on. All he can manage to do is stand up and return her smile before she leaves. Castiel has the very distinct feeling that this is the last time he’ll see here.

Despite that, Castiel doesn’t feel happy. He doesn’t know for sure if Dean and Lisa broke up, but she is definitely left . Would she have taken her things if she was just going to be coming back with the rest of her possessions? That wouldn’t make much sense. Castiel frowns and glances at Dean’s bedroom and its open door. Should he check on him or should he wait? Maybe he can check on him and just take his time with getting there.

First Castiel locks the door, purely out of habit. Safety is veryimportant. And he detours through the kitchen to straighten anything that seems out of place before he very slowly makes his way to Dean’s door. His heart is fluttering nervously in his chest and he’s doing his best not to breathe _too_ quickly. What if Dean and Lisa _did_ break up? Is Castiel capable of hiding his delight if they are? If Dean is upset about it, of course he’ll be upset too.

There’s a small voice in the back of his head asking questions that Castiel doesn’t want to listen to right now. He has to focus on Dean and making him feel better with what research he did on comforting friends.  But the voice keeps asking if Castiel will have the courage to ask Dean out once an appropriate amount of time has passed. He can’t do that. Step seven of method two stated that he should do his best to encourage Dean _not_ to rush into another relationship.

But how long is an acceptable amount of time before he’s _allowed_ to make his ‘ _move_ ’, so to speak? And would Dean still be interested? Was he even interested in a romantic relationship when he gave Castiel his phone number or was he just interested in a physical one? This bothers him. There are far too many questions and Castiel isn’t sure what to do about it. Besides, he needs to make sure that Dean is okay before he can even think about doing anything else.

Castiel peeks around the edge of the door frame before he does anything else. Dean is sitting at the end of his bed with his head in his hands. His shoulders are slumped and he looks _sad_. It hurts Castiel’s heart to see him like this. He steps away to take a deep breath before carefully knocking on the door frame to get his attention. Hopefully Dean won’t be so upset that he doesn’t want to talk or something.

“Dean?” He pauses and tries to think of a good excuse for him to be bothering Dean right now. It would be extremely rude of him to just outright assume that Dean and Lisa broke up. “I’m making some supper. Would you like some?” Maybe his disastrous attempts at cooking will be enough to get Dean out of his bedroom and smiling again.

But all Dean does is shake his head and stare at his feet. It pulls at something within Castiel and he takes a step forward before he’s even realized that he’s moved. Everything that he is just wants to just make Dean look _happy_ again. There’s an itch under his skin crying for him to hold Dean and do everything possible to make him smile. It’s actually painful to ignore.

“Is everything okay, Dean?”

He shakes his head and sighs loudly. “We broke up.”

Castiel ignores the spark of joy that kindles in his chest. “Oh.” Does he sound happy? Hopefully he doesn’t, but he clears his throat just in case anyways. “The last time this happened, I looked up what you’re supposed to do in this situation. Social convention calls for me to comfort you with physical contact or an alcoholic drink.” That had been expanded upon in the other articles he read. “Would you prefer a hug or a beer?” Or both. Castiel can do both and he is more than happy to hug Dean at any and all times of the day.

To his delight, Dean actually snorts and gives a small, dry laugh. It’s not exactly a _happy_ sound, but it’s a step in the right direction. Dean shakes his head and stands up. “You’re ridiculous, Cas.” There’s a sad smile on his lips, but it still makes Castiel’s heart skip a beat. It actually stutters in his chest when Dean gets close enough to throw an arm around his shoulder and squeezes. “I’ll take that beer, though.”

This is only a small hug, but Castiel still has to fight with himself so he doesn’t lean into it. He gives Dean a hopeful smile and walks with him to the kitchen. “Are you hungry?”

“Not really. But I want greasy food after a breakup, so I’m ordering the greasiest damn pizza in town.” Dean lets go of him to pull the fridge open and get a bottle of beer from it. “You want in on it?” He cracks the cap off the bottle and turns to Castiel with a raised eyebrow. “You gonna drink with me too?”

Seeing as how he’s still underage,  he won’t be doing that. But Castiel _will_ help pay for the pizza and share in that. While Dean makes the call for the pizza, Castiel picks a movie he hasn’t seen for them to watch and he takes a moment to send a message to Sam with an update on the situation. He’s out on a date with Jess at the moment and they should both be kept abreast of this change. At least now Sam won’t be surprised when he comes home.

 ** _Well that’s just AWESOME…_** Sam responds with. **_Now ur gonna get to see a whole new side to Dean. Sorry, Cas… He’s a whole different person when he’s on the prowl…_**

 ** _I have no idea what you’re talking about._** Castiel frowns at his phone. On the prowl?

Sam explains and it makes his stomach sink. **_Sleeping around, dating around, going to be the bar a few times a week with friends… the whole shebang._**

This conversation is not making him happy and Castiel puts his phone aside as Dean sits down next to him with a whole six pack of beer cans and a glass full  of what just might be whiskey. “You’re actually watching something? What’s up with that, Cas.”

Castiel shrugs and presses play. “I know it’s a few days too early, but I thought you might like to have a movie tonight too. Is that alright?”

Dean downs his glass and flashes him a smile. “Never change, Cas.”

He has no intention of doing that anytime soon. Castiel does, however, worry when Dean starts in on the beer right away before the opening credits of the movie have even finished playing. One night of drunkenness doesn’t equate alcoholism, does it? As his friend, Castiel is supposed to keep Dean from turning to alcohol as an escape from his emotions right now. But just one night should be okay. As long as it doesn’t become _every_ night, then Castiel shouldn’t have to worry about this any further.

The pizza arrives at nearly halfway through the movie and Dean tears into that with single minded determination. By then, he ‘s had more than half his pack of beer _and_ he’s refilled his whiskey glass a few times. Castiel has tried not to keep track, but it’s hard not to be aware of it every time Dean pops the tab on a can or gets up to pour himself another glass. It worries him, but it’s not his place to say anything. Not yet, at least.

Besides, a part of him kind of likes it. The more that Dean drinks, the more heavily he leans into Castiel’s shoulder. It’s getting to the point that it would be more comfortable for the both of them if Castiel put his arm around his shoulders. But he can’t bring himself to do that – no matter how much he wants to. Maybe if he was more comfortable with touching people he wouldn’t have as much of a problem with actually reaching out and doing it.

“Y’know what, Cas?” Dean mumbles into his shoulder towards the end of the movie, his words slurred and muddled to the point that Castiel almost doesn’t understand him. He doesn’t wait for an answer before continuing. “Relationships fuckin’ _suck_. Don’t date, Cas. S’just _bullshit_.”

That shouldn’t sting, but it does. Castiel bites his tongue to keep from saying anything. Which turns out to be a good thing to do, because Dean doesn’t give him the chance to speak. “M’done, y’know? Done with everything. Lisa was right and I’m done.”

If only he could ignore that horrible sinking feeling in his chest. “Done with what?”

“Relationships.” Dean sits up and reaches for his last can of beer. “I’m not gonna hurt no one again. No more fuckin’ relationships. I’m _done_.”

Castiel has no answer for him. There’s a lump in his throat and disappointment swelling like a balloon in his chest. What is he supposed to say to that? He can’t think of a single thing. More than that, he’s just – sad. Dean doesn’t want a relationship. Does that mean there’s literally no chance for _them_? It hurts to hear and Castiel is glad that Dean doesn’t elaborate further. He falls silent while he nurses through his last beer, staring sullenly at the screen.

By the time the movie ends, Castiel is too upset to even pay any attention to the conclusion of the plot. Honestly, he doesn’t even remember the name of the movie or what it was really about. He doubts that he’s going to be able to think of anything else for a while. This was not what he thought things would be like if Dean and Lisa’s relationship ever ended. But it’s what he deserves.

This is what he gets for feeling even remotely _happy_ that they broke up.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a groan, he rests his head on the table. “I hate you, Dean Winchester.” Even though his feelings for Dean are exactly the opposite, his _headache_ is the one speaking right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place _during_ [Chapter Two](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3810334) and [Chapter Three](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3931444) of the _A Little Patience_ storyline.

As much as he hates to admit it or even _think_ about it, Castiel might be actually considering moving out. He loves it here and living with Dean and Sam feels so much better than living on his own in a dorm room or his own apartment, but he’s not sure that he can take this much longer. It’s almost inconceivable to him that it was actually _easier_ for him when Dean and Lisa were together. In fact, if he only had the two options of dealing with _this_ or dealing with the two of them having sex in the next room again, he would choose that.

Castiel truly thought he could handle living with Dean and knowing that he isn’t interested in a relationship. He was capable of doing it when Dean was unavailable while he was dating Lisa, so why should it be any different when he’s single and not interested in dating anyone else? It was so naïve of him to think that. Even with Sam’s warning about how Dean’s habits were going to change, Castiel never took into account how it would make him feel.

Dean doesn’t go out _every_ night, but he’s out enough evenings of the week that Castiel finds himself upset by it and he _hates_ that it makes him feel this way. He shouldn’t be bothered by what Dean does with his own time, but he is and he finds it despicable. Even worse, he hates waking up on some mornings with his first thought being if Dean will be home that night or not. Castiel can handle Dean going out to the bar with his friends. He did that before when he was with Lisa. But it’s proving to be an extreme struggle for him.

Whenever Dean leaves the apartment in the evening, Castiel’s chest tightens and pinches around his lungs. He doesn’t like not knowing if he won’t be seeing Dean again until morning. And he _hates_ knowing that if Dean doesn’t come home, then it means he went home with someone else. Sure, it’s better than the alternative, but that doesn’t mean Castiel hates it any less. He really should thank Sam for telling Dean that he wasn’t allowed to bring his one night stands home. Castiel can’t even imagine how _that_ would have made him feel.

To make matters worse, Castiel is losing sleep over this. He doesn’t _mean_ to, but it happens whether he wants it to or not. Every night he lies awake either until Dean comes home or until he’s knows without a doubt that Dean isn’t coming back. Every morning he wakes up hoping that Dean might have come back while he was sleeping, but he never is. It’s getting to be unbearable and Castiel knows it wouldn’t be if only he didn’t feel that sick, burning _jealousy_ in his belly.

It’s affecting his moods and it’s only a matter of time before Sam or Dean notice that he’s been spending almost every day in a sulky mood. Castiel does his best not to show it, but he’s not sure if he’s a very good actor. Sometimes he is, but sometimes he’s just feeling too much to be able to hide it all. And these last few weeks are testing his acting abilities to their limits. Some days it feels almost impossible to hide all the worries that he has.

What if Dean finds someone at the bar that he sees more than once during the week? What if he ends up wanting to have a relationship with them even though he said he never wants another one again? He was drunk at the time that he said that. It’s entirely possible that he won’t remember having said it. And if he doesn’t remember, does that mean the feelings that made him say that aren’t there anymore? Were they just inspired by the large quantities of alcohol he consumed before he said it?

Castiel would give _anything_ to stop being plagued by questions likes that. He doesn’t want to constantly wonder anymore about whether or not he’s missed out on his chance to be with Dean. What if the only chance he ever has to actually _be_ with Dean is in a sexual capacity? As much as Castiel would like to explore his sexual boundaries (specifically with Dean), he’s not sure if he could stand sharing something as intimate as sex knowing that nothing else would come of it. Sex just for the sake of sex sounds so unappealing to him and he knows it’s not what he wants – but he can’t help but wonder if he would still go for it if that was the only way he could have Dean.

Does he want Dean that badly? How desperate would he have to be to even consider that? Does he want Dean to stop sleeping around that badly? Or would he be doing it to try and quell this ache in his chest? Questions like that make both his head and his heart hurt. This would be so much easier if he wasn’t on the asexual spectrum. If he was allosexual, he might be capable of having loveless sex with someone without it leaving him uncomfortable.

These are all worries that Castiel doesn’t want or need. They’re nothing but a distraction from his daily life. Thankfully, he has plenty of classes and homework to help distract him when he’s starts getting _too_ caught up in his thoughts. He _does_ have to keep his grades up to his father’s high standards, after all. It works well enough with keeping his mind busy, but it does very little to help make him feel any better.

Maybe things would be easier if Castiel had someone to talk to about this. If this was about anything else, he would turn to Sam or Jess for comfort. But he’s not sure he can even go to them for this. There is literally no way that he could explain things to either of them without giving away that he’s attracted to Dean. If Sam found out, he might tell Dean. And if Dean finds out, he might be uncomfortable and ask for Castiel to move out. But he doesn’t want to leave – even if he sometimes considers it as a better course of action than watching Dean leave every other day.

No. He can’t tell Sam and he can’t tell Jess. They both have their own things to deal with anyways. Sam is somehow juggling his course load with his basketball schedule _and_ working. Not to mention that he has his relationship with Jess to maintain. And Jess has the same, plus work and classes. They don’t need the added stress of Castiel’s inappropriate affections for Dean.

Besides, it’s been a few weeks since the breakup and they’re already pushing into the second week of February. If no one has caught on to his moodiness by now, he doubts anyone will. Or at least that’s what he had convinced himself of up until Dean pauses Raiders of the Lost Ark one Friday evening. Fridays are the one day of the week when Castiel is actually happy. It’s the only night when Dean _doesn’t_ go out. He never misses their movie night and they always stay up until they’re both practically falling asleep on the couch.

Castiel always sits in the corner of the couch next to the wall. He likes being able to prop a pillow up on the armrest and against the wall to rest his head on if he doesn’t feel like sitting properly. That leaves Dean to sit on the right side and he usually always has his feet on the coffee table or he’s half curled up on his side of the couch. It’s a comfortable distance between them, but today Dean makes it feel different when he turns to face him, folding his leg between them.

There’s a look in Dean’s eyes that has Castiel’s heart tripping over itself. He can’t tell if it’s confusion or concern or something else altogether. But it does worry him and Castiel is about to ask what’s wrong, but Dean beats him to it.

“Do you have a problem with me sleeping around or something?”

Oh no. Castiel has to catch himself before he reacts, even though the question nearly makes him stop breathing. Does he know? No, he can’t. Dean doesn’t pay that much attention to him. He wouldn’t notice these little changes to Castiel’s mood. Right? Please, dear God _please_ , let that be right.Castiel isn’t sure he could handle it if Dean _knew_ what was actually wrong.

No matter how hard he tries not to show his fear at having been caught out for all of his inappropriate feelings, Castiel can’t stop everything. He glances at Dean and knows, without a doubt, that he can never say the truth. Or, at least, not _all_ of the truth.

“You live your life the way you want, Dean. I have no say in it.” It’s true, he doesn’t. No matter how much he wishes that he _could_ do something that would get Dean to stop and stay home with him.

His answer must not be what Dean was hoping to hear, because it only makes him frown and lean forward. “Yeah, but you don’t like it. Do you?”

Is he really that transparent? Castiel shrugs and folds his hands together in his lap. He looks down at them because it’s easier to look at them then look at Dean. Not because he’s lying, but because his courage is failing.

“It’s not a way that I would choose to live mine, but I don’t fault you for how you choose to live yours.” He doesn’t blame Dean for why he feels like this. It’s his own fault for letting himself fall for Dean and half all these terrible feelings.

Dean’s voice is all too curious when he asks his next question. “Have you ever given it a try?”

Well, Castiel has certainly thought about it over the last few weeks, but he’s almost positive that he’d never be able to actually do it – for various reasons. “No.” He shakes his head and keeps his eyes down. “But I had a very strict upbringing.

It would probably kill both of his parents if they ever found out that Castiel was sleeping around. It’s none of their business, certainly, but he represents the family name when he’s out in the world. Anything he does reflects upon his parents and everyone in their circles most definitely looks down on anything that the Church considers sinful or inappropriate.

When the silence continues for too long, Castiel chances a small glance at Dean. There’s an expectant look in his eyes and it makes Castiel’s stomach sink. Dean wants to hear more – which means the conversation isn’t done and they won’t be returning to watching the movie any time soon. But he doesn’t _want_ to keep talking. Castiel wants this conversation to be over with and forgotten so he won’t have to keep using half-truths and partial lies to keep from saying anything that might make Dean upset and uncomfortable.

Sighing, Castiel slumps back against the couch and gives Dean a pitiful look in the hopes that it will be enough to make him move on from this. When he doesn’t see any chance for escape, he sighs again and continues. At least he can stick to this part of the truth without telling the part that pertains specifically to Castiel’s feelings for Dean.

“You have to understand that my parents are fairly religious _and_ they come from a rather prestigious background.” He knows that he’s told Dean that before, but he might not remember it and that’s fine. They’ve talked about quite a bit over the last few years. It would be ridiculous of him to expect Dean to remember everything they’ve talked about. “I was in private school up until my junior year and I had to fight tooth and nail to be allowed to attend a public high school. Gabriel was a big help with that.” And he will forever be thankful for it.

When Dean waves his hand to cut him off, Castiel is actually happy. He thinks that’s the end of the conversation, but Dean shatters his hopes with only a few words and another question. “How’s that whole half-brother thing work?”

Oh, that’s not so bad actually. That’s almost a change of topic! Though, again, this is yet another thing that feels like they’ve talked about already. “I’m fairly certain that I’ve told you this before.”

“I know.” Dean shrugs and grins at him. “I want to hear it again.”

Castiel sighs and turns to stare at the screen. He’ll give the short version. “Gabriel’s mother divorced our father shortly after he was born and died not long after that. He met my mother a few years after that, got married a few years further down the road, and then I was born.”

“Oh yeah, I remember.” He nods slowly and his smile grows. “You told it better last time.”

He shrugs again. All he needs is to fudge the explanation little about why he doesn’t want to have sex with just any willing partner and then they can get back to the movie. “I had a very proper upbringing with tutors, musical lessons, _dance_ lessons, and my parents have essentially planned out my life for me.” Castiel forces his voice to remain neutral, otherwise he might start _sounding_ annoyed. Talking about the lack of control in his life never fails to get under his skin.

“My grades are perfect because that’s what was demanded of me and it’s what’s necessary for the medical profession they’re _encouraging_ me to enter.” That’s putting it lightly. And it’s definitely more _Father_ pushing for it than Mother. She was the one who got him a camera to support his photography hobby after all – and that’s something Castiel hasn’t had the chance to do for a while.

Dean, as always, gets to the heart of the matter rather quickly – even if it’s not what he was originally asking about. “But is that what you want to do?”

No one has ever asked him what the wants to do and Castiel looks to him, eyes wide. “I don’t know what I want to do.” He really doesn’t. The only thing that interests him is photography, but he can’t make a career out of that. Well, he _could_ , but his Father would disown him for good if he gave up being a doctor to do anything else.

The hand on his shoulder is one given out of sympathy, but Castiel would have preferred a hug instead. “You don’t know what you want to do, but do you know what you _don’t_ want to do?”

He’s known this answer for a while. “Yes.” Castiel looks down at his hands again. Father would kill him if he knew he was saying this. “I don’t think I want to be a doctor.”

“Well, then fuck them.” Dean squeezes his shoulder gives him the type of smile that makes Castiel’s stomach flip and his heart beat harder than it is healthy to. “Just because they’re your parents doesn’t’ mean that you owe them your whole life or something. You don’t have to do what _they_ want you to do. It’s your life. Do what makes _you_ happy, man.”

If only that were possible.

“Is that what you’re doing?” The questions is out of him before it’s even barely a thought. But he wants to – he _needs_ to know if the lifestyle Dean leads is one that makes him happy. Does sleeping with a stranger he picks up from the bar something that brings him joy or is he unhappy with aspects of his own life too?

Dean draws back to his side of the couch and picks up the remote. “I’m trying to, at least.” His smile isn’t as bright as the one from before and it leaves an unsettled itch on the back of Castiel’s neck. “So, what are you going to do about school then?”

That’s a good deflecting question and Castiel shrugs at it. “I still have a ways to go before I can even think about applying into the medical course.” But each day brings that time closer and each day shortens the window he has to escape. It’s a terrifying thought and Castiel leans his head against the back of the couch. “If I change my mind between now and then, I’ll still have plenty of time to switch majors or something.” To what, though, he doesn’t know.

Unfortunately, that’s not the last of the conversation. “You still haven’t answered the main question.”

There was a main part? Castiel thinks for a moment, but he can’t remember whatever it might be. He looks to Dean curiously. “What is it?”

Dean’s eyes and his expression are wholly serious. “Are you happy?”

Yes and no. Castiel is happy to be here with Dean and Sam. He’s happy with the courses he’s taking currently and the friends that he has. But he’s not happy that his family – his _father –_ is dictating his life. And of course he can’t have the only person he wants because they don’t want the same things. He’s caught in the middle between two answers and Castiel doesn’t know how to answer that.

He shrugs and sits up a little straight. There are some things there that he can’t say and some he already has. It’s better to just focus on the _good_ things right now. “I like learning and I enjoy living here.”

Out of everything Dean could do in response, Castiel does not expect him to stretch his leg across the couch to jab him in the thigh with his big toe. “Is that a ‘ _yes_ ’?”

It’s not a ‘ _no_ ’. “I could be happier.”

Things would be so much better if he had the courage to take control of his own future. And of course he would be much happier if Dean stayed home every night with him – or at least took Castiel out with him to places that weren’t the bar, since he’s too young for that by a few years yet. He would be happier if he could gather the courage to actually ask Dean out and see if he’s interested in being more than just friends. And he would _definitely_ be happier if he could pull move across the couch and lean against Dean’s side for the rest of the movie – if they ever start it again.

Castiel can’t say any of that, but he can narrow it down to a few words. “I could be happier.” And that is where he would have left it if Dean didn’t keep poking him with his toe. He sighs and continues. “There are things I want that I can’t have. But yes, Dean, I am happy.” If he ignores a few particular things.

His answer makes Dean raise his eyebrows, though it doesn’t get him to stop poking him. Those are all the answers Castiel is willing to give right now and he grabs Dean’s foot to make him stop. Dean winces with a laugh as Castiel presses his thumb into the arch of his foot. It makes him withdraw his foot in retreat and – _finally_ – start the movie again. Castiel settles back against the couch and turns his attention to it.

The movie hasn’t done much in keeping him entertained, but Castiel is happy to use it to distract himself now. This conversation has left him with an odd sensation crawling along his ribs. He’s not too sure about whether it’s a good feeling or a bad one, or even if the conversation turned out well or not. _Something_ feels different after that conversation and he wishes he knew what it was.

*

A few hours ago Castiel was on campus and prepared to spend the whole evening in a computer lab doing assignments that could only be done at the university. That was supposed to keep him busy until the labs closed and by then, hopefully, Dean’s plans with his friends would have been over. Castiel specifically planned to be out of the apartment at the time so he wouldn’t be in the way or interrupting anything. If he caused a fuss at home while Dean was trying to have friends over, it might have made them decide to go to the bar instead and Castiel would much rather spend an evening doing homework on campus than spend it sitting at home wondering if Dean would be coming back that night.

So how – _how_ – did he end up _here_ playing poker with Dean and his friends?

Castiel knows that the only reason he’s home is because the labs were closed due to someone releasing all the animals in the science labs. He can understand that. But that doesn’t account for why he’s sitting at the table with an open and untouched beer in front of him, cards in his hand, and surrounded by people he doesn’t know. Everything happened so fast that all he can remember is that it had something to do with Dean and sweet words and an excessive amount of touching – by which he means an arm around his shoulders.

Tonight is actually the first time that Castiel has really met any of Dean’s other friends. He’s heard about most of them in various different stories that Dean has told over the time that they’ve known each other, but he’s never seen their faces before. Dean is sitting to Castiel’s left and next to him his co-worker, Benny. Beside him is Ash, an old friend of Dean’s and a former co-worker from the café. Then there’s Chuck, someone Dean met through Ash. And that comes full circle to the man sitting to Castiel’s right; Victor. He’s a police officer and customer of the garage where Dean works. They bonded over their passion for older model cars like Dean’s Impala.

Despite not knowing any of these people, besides Dean, Castiel apparently has no trouble with beating all of them at nearly every hand of Poker. It only took a couple rounds for him to understand the rules and memorize the list of hands that Dean quickly jotted down on a note for him. That note goes unused under the bottle of beer.  But, just in case, Castiel still shows Dean his hand to make sure that he hasn’t missed anything.

Dean has done well with not using that to his advantage. For the last two hands, Castiel has had nothing but a low pair or nothing at all. But he completely bluffed his way through both hands and _won_. Apparently his bluntness and ability to hold a straight face is more than enough to convince those who don’t know him that he has a good hand.

While everyone else is drinking and eating the chicken wings that Dean and Benny cooked up, Castiel is plenty happy to just listen to their stories. His wings are already long finished and he has no plans on touching the beer. It’s not just the fact that he’s sitting next to a policeman while still having a year and a half left until his twenty-first birthday that’s keeping him from drinking. At this point in his life, it’s mostly habit and he doesn’t see a need to drink beer when a glass of water is just as filling and probably tastes better in the first place.

He is perfectly happy to continue drawing cards and throwing his chips into the ‘the pot’ sitting in the center of the table. It’s actually a mixing bowl, but apparently that is just what it’s called no matter what container the chips are being put into. Any care that Castiel has for his beer seems to have transferred from him to Dean, since he is paying much more attention to it.

“Dude, at least _try_ the beer.” He whispers and pushes the bottle closer.

One day, Castiel would like to try drinking. It is, most definitely, on his list of things to try once he’s legal to do so. His plan is and always has been to drink safely and carefully. He’s seen and read too much about the effects that it can have on people and he doesn’t want to become yet another statistic. But he doesn’t need beer to enjoy this game and he’d rather have his wits about him instead of potentially losing the tall stacks of coins he has in front of him.

“I told you, I don’t –”

“I _know_ what you told me.” Dean sighs and nudges his arm with his elbow. “Just try it? If you don’t’ like it, I’ll finish it.” The look he’s giving Castiel is enough to send blood his racing through his veins. Why does he go weak in every way imaginable when all Dean does is widen his eyes a little? “One sip. That’s all I’m asking.”

Should he? Victor doesn’t seem to be paying any attention to the fact that Dean is asking a minor to drink. In fact, he’s in a very heated discussion with Chuck about some particular aspects of his job. Castiel glances at the beer before he looks to Dean again. He doesn’t drink, but he would like to try it. Just because he has a sip doesn’t mean that he has to finish it or that he _has_ to get drunk on it. And it’s _Dean asking_ him to try it. Castiel would do just about anything for him.

But he shouldn’t make this _too_ easy for him, should he? After all, this isn’t all that Dean has asked him to do tonight. “You also asked me to play.”

“And look how well that’s going!” He laughs and gestures at Castiel’s chips. He has more than anyone else at the table. “I’m pretty sure that you were lying when you said you never played poker before.”

“That wasn’t a lie.” A self-satisfied smile comes to Castiel’s lips unbidden. He loves it when anything he does manages to surprise Dean. “I’ve never played before. You just greatly underestimated my math skills.” Actually he’s just been exceptionally lucky, but Dean doesn’t need to know that. Though Castiel _is_ very good with math and numbers.

The table falls silent and everyone turns to look at him. Castiel would be embarrassed if he wasn’t completely amused by this. Or by Chuck’s inability to keep from asking the most obvious of questions. “Are you counting cards?”

Castiel understands the basic of card counting, but he’s never put it into effect and he has no plans to do it here. He probably could if he thought about it enough, but he doesn’t feel the need for it. Just like he doesn’t feel the need for the truth right now. He’s not an overly competitive person, but he wants to win this game. Plus it’s kind of fun to keep teasing all of them.

“I might be.” He shrugs and puts his cards face down on the table. “Or I could be saying that to throw you all off your game and make it easier for me to win.” It’s exactly what he’s doing, but none of them need to know that.

To his surprise and delight, Dean starts laughing. It’s a magical sound that melts away any residual worries still clinging to the back of Castiel’s mind. Dean is here and he’s _happy_. Castiel has no reason to worry about whether or not he’ll go out tonight. He doesn’t need to think about tomorrow night or the next or the nights when Dean didn’t come home earlier this week. With Dean leaning back in his chair and laughing harder than Castiel has ever seen, he actually _can’t_ think about any of that.

His own smile grows so wide that it actually hurts his cheeks. Seeing Dean happy like this makes Castiel feel giddy. It makes him feel like he could take on anything – the world, the MCATs, his father. Anything. In light of that, the bottle of beer doesn’t look anywhere near as intimidating as it did before. Castiel doesn’t even think twice before picking it up and taking a sip. He immediately regrets the action as soon as the bitter taste hits his tongue.

At least someone enjoys that sip. Dean’s laughter is renewed at the face that Castiel makes because of the taste. Either it’s Dean’s laughter or Castiel’s expression that makes the others laugh too, but it’s barely a moment before the kitchen is ringing with their laughter. He continues to keep his nose crinkled as he takes another few sips. They’re still as bad as the first, but the taste is kind of growing on him. Barely. It’s certainly never going to be the best thing he’s ever had, though.

Castiel lets the amusement of everyone else fuel him to actually finish the beer. It’s not his priority, so it takes a while to do. By the end of it, his head feels tingly and his mouth tastes funny, but he can’t bring himself to care. He doesn’t even care about proper manners. His mother would throw a fit if she saw him sitting with his elbows on the table – let alone with an empty bottle of beer in his hands. Castiel is absolutely enraptured by the story Victor is in the process of telling.

Dean may not mean to, but he distracts Castiel from the end of Victor’s tale about two sex workers having what sounds to be a truly epic fight on a street corner. It’s by no fault of his own, certainly. Castiel should have been perfectly capable of not being distracted by someone simply handing him a drink. Unfortunately, when that someone is _Dean_ , nothing else stands the chance of holding his attention for long.

“Here y’go, Cas.” The bottle taps against Castiel’s shoulder and he turns to Dean’s voice immediately. “I got you another beer. Unless you want a water?”

It’s impossible to look away from Dean’s eyes, but Castiel is almost embarrassed to look into them. They’re just so _green_ and kind and – and – and Castiel could spend the rest of his life staring into them if he was given the option to. Thinking thoughts like _do_ make Castiel feel embarrassed and he ducks his head, still unable to look away as he thanks Dean for getting him the drink. How is Castiel supposed to stop looking at someone who is just so – so – so very _captivating_?

He can’t even stop himself from gravitating towards Dean. Over the period of what might be a few minutes or might be several more, Castiel catches himself leaning closer to Dean, even if he’s not directly facing him. It _should_ just look like he’s just leaning more to that side of his chair than the other, but really it’s all about Dean. It is taking _quite_ a bit of concentration to keep himself from just leaning right against Dean and resting his head on his shoulder. That looks like a very comfortable shoulder.

Everything about Dean looks comfortable and good and Castiel wants to touch. Would it be weird if he did? Probably. Especially in front of all of Dean’s friends. He’ll have to be satisfied with simply leaning close to him for now. Oh, but Dean keeps looking at him. Why? Is there something on Castiel’s face? No, Dean wouldn’t be smiling at him like that if there was something wrong. Every time that Castiel catches his gaze, he gives him a small smile of his own. And every time that Castiel smiles, he can’t help but laugh too. It’s a bubbly little thing that feels good. He likes laughing and he likes the way Dean smiles at him when he does it.

Honestly, Castiel kind of forgets that there are other people at the table. The only thing that he actually listens to are their bets. Other than that, they don’t exist to him. His world has narrowed down to the bubble that holds his chair and Dean’s. And it gets even more narrow the more he has of this second beer. It still tastes like shit, but he doesn’t mind it so much now. What’s to mind when Dean is right next to him and he’s drinking too and everything is as perfect as it can get right now.

It’s so perfect that Castiel thinks it’s a marvelous idea to tap his bottle against the one Dean is holding. They make a clinking noise and he likes it. Should he do it again? He should definitely do it again. Castiel laughs again and when he leans in to do it a second time, his shoulder actually bumps Dean’s. Oh, that feels nice. He likes that a lot and he leans in again just to feel the solid wall of him. It’s like leaning against a comfortable heater and Castiel decides that he never wants to move. This is the place where he’s going to die – and he is perfectly okay with that.

Some part of him vaguely notes that he might be making Dean uncomfortable, but Dean hasn’t asked him to move and Castiel is more than happy to just stay like this. If he gets bold enough – maybe by the end of this bottle – he might actually put his head on Dean’s shoulder. Now wouldn’t _that_ just make his life? It absolutely would. Things would never be able to get more perfect than this. No wait – yes it can!

After taking another sip from his beer, Castiel clinks it against Dean’s bottle. It sounds different when it’s sitting on the table as opposed to being held in Dean’s hand. Either way, he still likes it. But he doesn’t like it as much as he likes Dean. Nothing beats that and he laughs quietly to himself like it’s some big secret. Which it is, but no one else needs to know. That’s why it’s a secret.

Genius!

*

Castiel  knows without a doubt that he is not in his own bed the moment he wakes up. There is a momentary confusion because he certainly doesn’t remember going to bed, and that is followed up with the realization that his own bed is most _definitely_ not big enough to accommodate him in this particular position. He’s on his stomach with all limbs stretched out. This is a full on spread eagle and not only is everything still on the bed, he’s also not touching a wall while doing it.

And that is how he quickly reaches the somewhat unsettling conclusion that he’s not in his own bed. It’s a true feat, actually, considering that his temples are pulsing with pain. A headache. He has a _headache_. When was the last time he had one of these? Castiel can’t remember. Right now all he can remember is _pain_. Everything hurts and his mouth tastes disgusting. It has that unpleasant fuzzy feeling on his teeth as if he didn’t brush them last night.

That brings to question what actually happened during the poker game. For the life of him, Castiel can’t remember how it ended. The last thing he can remember is winning a hand and downing his drink. Did he win the whole game? What happened that resulting in him ending up in a bed that isn’t his own with a stinging headache and his normal clothes on.  He would never go to bed without changing into his pajamas or at least stripping down to his underpants. Clearly he must have gone to sleep so suddenly that he didn’t think about doing that at all.

If he’s still at home, then there are only two beds that he could be lying in right now; Sam or Dean’s. Now that raises the question – if he’s in one of their beds, then where are they? The building curiosity regarding that is enough to get Castiel to peel his eyes open – and then immediately regrets it. The curtains above the bed are open and sunlight is pouring in almost directly onto him. He groans and squeezes his eyes shut. That was unpleasant.

With another groan, Castiel forces himself to roll over. It takes a little while before he can comfortably open his eyes and look around again. There’s quite a bit of squinting involved as he peers around the room and takes in the furniture and decorations. His brain isn’t working as fast as it should be because it takes Castiel far too long to realize that he is, indeed, in Dean’s bedroom. As soon as the realization strikes, he sits up sharply. Regret fills him again along with the pressing urge to stick his head into a bucket of ice and hope that it will do something to numb the pain of his apparent hangover.

He sits at the edge of the bed with his head in his hands for a few minutes, waiting until everything stops spinning. It gets easier to think the longer that he stays like that and Castiel takes a deep breath to steady himself. Alright. Time to take stock of the situation. This is Dean’s room and Dean’s bed. The blankets are still made and Castiel slept on top of them with his clothing still on. He was very much taking up the _whole_ bed, which means that Dean was likely not here. One very _slow_ glance around the room confirms that he is alone here.

The feeling in his mouth is too disgusting to put up with for much longer _and_ Castiel has a pressing need to pee. If he gets up and goes to the washroom, he’ll be solving two problems – as long as no one is in there. It’s a bit hard to hear anything outside the room over the pounding of his own head, but Castiel is fairly certain that no one else is awake yet. Actually, he’s not even sure that Sam came home last night. Yesterday he said he was considering staying over at Jess’s. So that’s a possibility.

He confirms that Sam isn’t home when he goes to the bathroom. Sam’s bedroom door is wide open and the bed is empty. Which means that Dean didn’t sleep there either. Then where did he go? A sinking feeling fills Castiel’s empty stomach and it makes him feel nauseous. What if he stole Dean’s bed last night and Dean decided to go out to the bar with the rest of his friends? What if he –

Castiel turns around to go check the kitchen for a note and stops dead in the middle of the hallway. His heart nearly stops in his chest.  What if _Dean is in his bed_? Because that is _exactly_ where he is right now and Castiel has no idea how to deal with that. Should he wake him? No, that would just be cruel. Dean was apparently kind enough to let Castiel sleep in his bed last night – if he didn’t steal it, that is. He should just let Dean sleep for now.

But what he _can_ do is have some coffee ready for him whenever Dean wakes up.

It takes slightly more dexterity than Castiel is actually capable of at the moment to actually be _sneaky_ as he detours into the kitchen and turn on the coffee maker. Dean _always_ fills it with coffee grounds and tops it off with water the day before, so he knows that it’s just ready and waiting for the button to be pushed. An envelope stuck to the fridge catches his eyes if only because it’s being held in place by the C, the A, and the S of the magnetic alphabet they have.

As it turns out, the envelope is full of money. This must be his winnings from last night’s game. Castiel smiles to himself, pleased by the amount. He doesn’t want to count it right now, but it _looks_ like a lot and that’s all that matters. Now, back to business. He slips back out into the hallway and into the bathroom without hearing so much as a squeak from Dean. Good. He was perfectly stealthy, then.

Since Dean is sleeping in his bed, Castiel forgoes getting a change of clothes after he’s finished in the bathroom. Once he’s relieved himself and brushed his teeth, he feels like a whole new man. Sort of. It still feels weird to be wearing the clothing he slept in that he also wore all day yesterday. He’ll have to put up with that until after Dean wakes up. In the meantime, there are always painkillers and anti-nausea tablets he can take to make things slightly better.

The coffee is still brewing slowly when he returns to the kitchen. It should only be a few more minutes before he has some sweet caffeine. In the meantime, he should probably move the table. It’s still in the middle of the kitchen and taking up most of the walking space. But does he have the ability to move it quietly? And how heavily does Dean sleep? Since Dean usually sleeps in another room with the door shut, Castiel hasn’t actually been able to determine what kind of sleeper he is. Not that he _needs_ to know – but it would be nice. For posterity’s sake and most definitely not his own curiosity.

Well, Castiel can’t do anything in the kitchen without moving the table. And he has to get started on the homework he didn’t do last night. His classes aren’t for another few hours yet, so he should have plenty of time to make up for missing last night. But he needs the table to work on and it wouldn’t feel right to leave it where it is. Maybe if he’s _really_ careful, he’ll be able to push it back into place without making _too_ much noise. It’s just a matter of going slowly and paying very close attention.

That plan is sound enough for him and Castiel gives it a try. It takes much longer than it should because he actually needs to clean the table off first, but he does eventually manage to get the table back against the corner wall of the kitchen between the two entrances to it. The chairs are _much_ easier to move because he can actually pick those up without having to scrape them across the floor. His head did not appreciate every small screech that the table had made when he moved it. Dean, however, is still asleep. Castiel counts that as a victory.

Dean doesn’t wake up the whole time that Castiel gets his bag from where he left it on the floor at the end of his bed and while he sets up his laptop in the kitchen. It takes Castiel a little _too_ long to notice that the coffee is finished brewing. He gets a mug from the cupboard and fills it with the perfect amount of sugar and milk. The bitter taste of the beer from last night is burned into Castiel’s memory, but the coffee is like liquid heaven. It’s almost enough to make him forget. _Almost_.

Absolutely none of his homework gets done while Castiel has his coffee. He spends those several minutes with his eyes closed. His head just can’t handle looking at a screen right now. There will be enough of that happening when he starts researching his next paper _and_ while he is (hopefully) in the labs later today. If they’re open yet. As much as he loves small animals and frowns on using them for testing and experiments and the like, he doesn’t approve of simply releasing the animals into the same buildings they were kept. A better alternative would have been stealing them completely and finding them proper homes or releasing them into the wild.

The most depressing thing he’s encountered this morning is when his coffee mug is finally empty. His head isn’t doing any better, but he does feel more awake. Now he needs to face the dreaded monotony of research. It’s so _boring_ , but he needs to get it done anyways. Papers need to be written, parents need to be kept proud, and life continues regardless of whether or not Castiel has his first hangover. But he _can_ put it off for a little while yet by procrastinating.

He gets up to put his mug in the sink and is met with an open cupboard. Oh. Castiel hadn’t realized that he left the door open when he got his mug. Is he _that_ out of it this morning? Possibly. Nothing truly feels _real_ at the moment. Except for that coffee. _That_ was delicious. He contemplates pouring himself a second cup for a moment before he decides against it. The coffee was so good that he knows if he refills his mug then no work will be getting done. He’ll just sit as his computer marveling in the caffeine.

With a sigh, Castiel puts the mug in the sink and reaches out to flick the cupboard closed. The realization hits him too late that he should have closed it _slowly_. Pain lances through his head at the loud bang as the cupboard door slams shut. Air hisses between his teeth in a pained hiss and Castiel rubs circles into his temples as he slinks back to his chair at the table. That was the stupidest thing he could have done and now everything hurts and Dean is probably awake and he regrets _everything_.

Only one good thing has come out of last night and that is the decision that Castiel will _never_ drink again. He gave it a try and had two beers. It has left him with holes in his memory and he hates that. He hates not know what _really_ happened. And it might sting his pride a little that it only took _two_ beers to put him under. Everyone he knows who drinks can have four or five times (or more) before they reach the same point that he’s at now. Granted, if that’s how much they usually drink, then they’ve likely built up an impressive tolerance to it.

It doesn’t take too long for the pain to recede. Castiel still isn’t happy about it and he stares at the screen until he has the energy to move his wireless mouse and click things. That might be a while yet – _especially_ since another dull ache sets into his temples at the sound of creaking boards. The only boards in this apartment that creak are the ones underneath Castiel’s mattress. Well, isn’t _that_ just lovely? Now he’s gone and woken Dean up too.

Actually, no, that’s a good thing. Dean should suffer along with him. If he doesn’t have a hangover of his own, then the least he should have is being forced to get up earlier than he would prefer. It’s Castiel’s fault for drinking the beer, but right now he definitely holds Dean responsible for putting the idea in his head that he could have one. He would never have even considered a beer. Castiel would have been happy with water or a soda or even _tea_.

With a groan, he rests his head on the table. “I hate you, Dean Winchester.” Even though his feelings for Dean are exactly the opposite, his _headache_ is the one speaking right now.

There’s a flurry of movement and Castiel lifts his head in time to catch a blur pass down the hallway. He almost thinks that he imagines the “Sorry, Cas!” he gets as it’s so quick. The bathroom door slams shut and Castiel stares at the empty hallway for a moment, wondering if Dean’s stomach is upset or if he just _really_ needs to go to the washroom. Should he get Dean something to drink? He could pour him a new cup of coffee or get him a glass of water. Castiel discards those ideas the moment he hears the shower running. Well, never mind then. Dean can get it himself once he’s done.

Oh, but this is the perfect opportunity for Castiel to _finally_ change his clothes. He does that quickly, opting for something a little more comfortable to work in until he has to go to class. His _normal_ clothing always feels so stiff. Castiel much rather prefers staying home in his sweatpants and a sweater. That way, there’s no risk of sullying the family’s name by not looking _perfect_ whenever he’s in the oh-so-public eye. At least he feels slightly better once he’s wearing fresh clothes that don’t smell like he work them for a whole day and night.

Castiel should be looking up information for his paper, but instead he’s deep into the informational side of the internet looking up information about hangovers by the time Dean comes out of the shower. Having one of his own kind of sidetracked him. This is his first one after all and he has plenty of questions about it. Since Dean is indisposed at the moment, the internet is really the only option left to him – though it’s kind of failing him right now. So far he’s just found people’s experiences and each one is very different from the last.

He would really like it if Dean would finish his shower already. He’s taking a longer time than usual, though it’s not really Castiel’s place to comment on things like that. Besides, Dean had _much_ more to drink last night, so it’s no surprise that he needed a refreshing shower. In fact, he might take one himself before going to class. That sounds like a very good plan, actually. Especially if the painkillers aren’t doing their job and he ends up still feeling gross by then.

Dean doesn’t say a word once he’s finished changing in his bedroom. He does come to the kitchen, but he’s not talking and as far as Castiel can tell, he’s not looking at him either. Of course that doesn’t mean anything. Right? No, Castiel doesn’t have the time to think about that. He has a schedule to keep to and he’s behind on it already because of last night. Not that he regrets that, of course. Well, yes, he regrets the beer. But he’s completely fine with everything else that happened _before_ his memory of it ends.

Any animosity he might have harbored towards Dean for the beer of last night disappears the moment Dean puts a glass of water on the table next to one of his textbooks. It is quite literally the biggest glass that they own and Castiel stares at it for a moment. Is this really for him? That’s an odd place for Dean to put the class if he intended to drink it himself.

“Drink that.” Dean shrugs and he’s already turning away by the time Castiel looks up at him. “Breakfast will be up in a moment.”

Food. How did Castiel completely forget about _eating_? The prospect of putting anything solid into his stomach right now is not very appealing, but that cold water looks amazing and Castiel pulls it over. “Thank you, but I already ate.” It’s a bit of a white lie, but there’s no actual harm being done. “Oh, you can take the money I won yesterday. It will cover my potion of the bills this month and I’ll transfer the rent money to your account on Friday.” There should be enough in the envelope for that. If there isn’t, he can just transfer more.

He isn’t expecting Dean to pat him on the shoulder. It startles him and makes Castiel’s heart jolt sharply in his chest. “Thanks, Cas.” Dean pats once more before he moves away. “And trust me, what I’m making is my hangover cure. It’ll look and taste like waffles, but don’t question the ingredients that go into making them.”

That sounds questionable and Castiel isn’t particularly sure he wants to eat them. “I take it that ignorance is bliss?”

“You bet’cha.”

The water is doing wonders for Castiel’s mood and he settles back in his chair. For a few minutes he clicks around the page he’s on, scanning for relevant information. It’s of little use, really. He can’t focus on his homework for the life of him. It’s hard to concentrate when his head hurts and he keeps getting assaulted by other questions than the ones he should be finding answers to for his paper. The only thing keeping Castiel from closing the laptop is pure stubbornness.

But last night is on his mind and he can’t think about anything else now – especially with Dean awake and making breakfast right behind him. Well, since he’s clearly not going to get anything else done, Castiel should settle these concerns so he can actually do things.

He clears his throat and resists the urge to look over his shoulder. “Is it common not to remember things when you’ve been drinking? I tried doing some research, but it was inconclusive.”

“It varies per person and the amount you drank, I guess.” Dean’s answers is almost drowned out by the sound of things being moved around in a drawer. But what Castiel _does_ hear make sense and explains why his findings were all so different. “Why? Are there things you don’t remember from last night?”

“Some things.” Castiel shifts in his chair and twists the glass of water in his hands. “I don’t remember when, or how, I ended up in your bed, for one.” He’d really like to know that.

“I put you there after you climbed up on the table and did a belly dance.”

At first Castiel’s heart lurches in his chest. But he can hear the smile in Dean’s voice and he knows without a doubt that he’s joking. In retaliation, he snatches a pen from the table and turns around to throw it at him. It bounces off Dean’s shoulder and makes him start laughing rather loudly. It’s the first time that Castiel _isn’t_ pleased to hear him laugh – if only because it makes his head hurt.

Luckily, it doesn’t last too long. Dean has waffles to make, after all. “I’m _joking._ ” That’s not going to stop Castiel from glaring at him. “If you glare at the back of my head any harder, you’re going to set me on fire.” How did he know?

Dean puts his mixing bowl down on the counter and flips open the top of the waffle iron. “You were starting to fall asleep on my shoulder, so I removed you from the game and I figured my bedroom would be the best place for you. I swear on my honour as a knight of Rohan.”

Oh, God. Castiel can feel a blush starting to rise and he does his best to fight against it. How can he not remember _leaning_ on Dean? That’s just – No, wait. That feels vaguely familiar actually, now that he thinks about it. He can remember something solid and warm against his side. Was that Dean? It must have been. If only he could remember _more_ about it.

As he rescues his pen from the floor, Castiel decides that an apology is in order. He inconvenienced Dean last night because he wasn’t able to hold his beer, so it’s the least that he can do.  “I’m sorry if I did or said anything that made you uncomfortable. I vaguely remember using your shoulder as a pillow, but the details are hazy.”

“Don’t worry about it.” Dean shrugs and turns away when Castiel stands up again. “You’re the good kind of drunk, Cas. Flirty and sleepy. It’s a thousand times better than being an angry or sad drunk.”

Now _that_ doesn’t sound like a joke and Castiel can hardly believe his ears. “I was _flirty_?”

With Dean? He was _flirting_ with Dean? Or was it someone else in the group? No, it most definitely had to have been Dean. There’s no one else he would ever want to flirt with. But this poses a very big problem because Castiel doesn’t know _how_ to flirt. Oh sweet heaven, no. No, no, no. What did he say? What did he _do_? He wracks his brain trying to remember, but there’s nothing more than blurry memories without words.

Dean turns to him and there’s concern written across his face for a moment. It quickly eases into a calming smile. “Yeah, don’t worry about it. The guys thought it was cute and you’re just lucky it was me you were getting all giggly with.” Oh God. “A lesser man might have decided to take advantage of you.”

The blush rushes into Castiel’s face so quickly that it leaves him dizzy. Apparently his body figured out what that might mean before his brain could catch up. Does that mean if Dean _were_ a lesser man (which he thankfully isn’t), Castiel might have woken up under the blankets, without his clothes, and with Dean next to him? Does that mean that Dean didn’t mind that Castiel was flirting with him? Does it mean that Dean might be _receptive_ to any non-drunken flirting?

This is not the time for _hope_ to take root in his chest. Nor is it the time to be thinking about potential _what ifs_. Dean is looking at him with a mix of confusion and concern, and he must be only moments away from asking if something is wrong. Castiel turns away quickly and sits back down at the table. Maybe, if he throws himself into his studies and actually _does_ them, then he’ll be able to forget that this conversation ever happened. He can’t even _look_ at Dean, let alone actually speak to him about this.

Castiel _flirted_ with _Dean_. And the worst part is that he can’t _remember_.

He barely manages to actually do a few Google searches for the topic of his paper when a plate with no less than four waffles is placed next to him. They’re topped with jam and syrup and look absolutely _amazing_. Even though Castiel wasn’t hungry beforehand, his stomach still growls simply from looking at them. Well, okay then. He can most definitely eat these.

“Thank you, Dean.”

“Don’t mention it.”

His textbook is in the way and needs to be moved if Dean is going to sit down and join him. Castiel gets as far as closing it before Dean leaves the room. A moment later, Castiel hears the sound of his bedroom door closing. Oh.  Apparently he’s not going to be eating out here. That’s – it’s rather disappointing. Castiel’s heart and stomach sink as one and he slumps in his seat. Was it something he said? Or maybe their conversation reminded Dean about something Castiel did last night that made him uncomfortable? There are so many things it could be and each question that comes to mind chips away at what little appetite Castiel just developed.

With a sullen sigh, Castiel picks up his fork and starts picking at his waffles. Dean went to the trouble of making them for him and it would be rude of him not to eat at least _some_ of them. More than that, they’re supposed to help with his hangover. He doesn’t know _how_ , but it’s the thought that counts. And it counts quite a bit. The fact that Dean wanted to help and went to the effort of trying to take care of his first hangover for him warms Castiel on the inside.

It makes him happy, but at the same time he’s feeling very _not_ happy. Dean is avoiding him. For some reason or another, he’s avoiding him and Castiel can’t stop wondering _why_. Although it’s very possible that Dean simply wants to relax in his own room. He doesn’t work today, so he could potentially go back to sleep after he’s eaten. Dean _does_ like his naps, after all. It is _so hard_ not to overthink this. What if his worries really are valid? What if they’re not?

Castiel had been hoping that by the time Dean woke up, this morning would get better. At this point, he can only say that it didn’t really get any _worse_.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He rolls his eyes and gives Dean a flat stare. “Just press play.” Dean knows full well that Castiel is _always_ ready for their Friday movie night. It _is_ his favourite night of the week, after all – though it’s entirely possible that Dean doesn’t actually _know _that.__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter content warnings are at the end of chapter. Please click the link below to see them.**
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter takes place _during_ [Chapter Three](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3931444) of the _A Little Patience_ storyline.

There is no other time of the week that Castiel treasures more than his Friday nights. Not only is it the end of the school week and he has two glorious days free of classes, but it’s his standing ‘ _date_ ’ night with Dean – even though it’s not actually a date and all they do is watch a movie or two (sometimes three, if it’s a trilogy) before they go to their separate beds. And there is always nearly a whole cushion of space between them on the couch while they movies play.

Regardless of that, it’s still time that Castiel gets to spend with Dean and it’s time that Dean doesn’t spend elsewhere – such as the bar in the company of someone else who might take him home with them. So it really is the best night of the week, no matter how Castiel looks at it. He gets to spend time with one of his very best of friends, and Dean gets to satisfy his desire to educate Castiel in all manner of popular culture – both young and old.

The only thing that would make things better would be if Jess and Sam could join them. But Jess’s job usually schedules her for Friday evenings and Sam always has a basketball practice that runs rather late – which is apparently the coach’s attempt to keep his team from going out and partying in some way or another. Considering that his team is composed entirely of university students – most of which are there are scholarships – it seems a tad unnecessary to have the practices running so late. Luckily, Sam doesn’t seem to mind. Most Fridays he just ends up sleeping at Jess’s campus apartment anyways.

Speaking of Sam, he should be leaving soon if he wants to be able to make it to the university in time. He’s going to be biking after all. Castiel glances at the clock on his phone, just to make sure. Yes, Sam should be leaving at any moment. He looks over his shoulder to check for Sam as he puts his phone on silent. It’s going to spend the rest of the evening sitting on the coffee table since Castiel. He doesn’t really want anything to interrupt the evening.

Like clockwork, Sam comes around the corner to the hall with his backpack on. He gives Castiel a wide smile and a double thumbs up before stooping to get his shoes on at the door. “What’s the movie on the docket for tonight?” That’s odd. Has Sam already forgotten what Dean told him earlier? “You’re not really going to subject Cas to the Matrix Reloaded, are you?”

Castiel twists around to look at Sam over the back of the couch, eyes wide in the kind of look that he knows makes him look too innocent for his own good. Sometimes seeming naïve plays in his favour. “We’ve watched the first already. We _need_ to watch this one and the next.” Otherwise Dean will be upset that Castiel hasn’t watched the entire series.

To prove Castiel’s point, Dean gives him a thumbs up over his shoulder while he’s finding the movies. “Exactly, Sammy. It would be blasphemy if we stopped now. Just be happy you’re not here to watch it.”

“Oh trust me, I am.” Sam laughs and pats Castiel on the shoulder. But his words are somewhat concerning. Why do the two of them seem to not like this movie? Is it that bad? The first one had been rather intriguing and Castiel had liked the premise of it.

He never gets the chance to voice his questions as Sam pats his shoulder once more. “You might want to fast forward through the drum scene for Dean’s sake.”

Drum scene? He looks to Dean with an eyebrow raised, but Dean doesn’t look back. His response to Sam’s teasing statement is to give him the middle finger. “Fuck you, Sammy. Don’t you have a basketball practice you should be biking to?”

It might not have been the nicest way to say that, but Dean does have a point. Sam will be late if he doesn’t leave now – and Sam knows it. “Yeah, yeah. I’m going.” He heads out the door with a wave over his shoulder. “Have fun, guys!”

As soon as the door is shut behind him, Castiel pushes up in his seat to reach back and turn the lock. Sam was wearing his basketball clothes but his backpack was stuffed full – which means he is most definitely planning on staying at Jess’s apartment tonight. It’s prudent planning to lock the door now before either one of them accidentally forgets to do it later.

Dean gives him a wide grin as he drops into his spot at the other end of the couch, the remote in hand. The DVD menu is already loading on the screen. “Ready for this, Cas?”

He rolls his eyes and gives Dean a flat stare. “Just press play.” Dean knows full well that Castiel is _always_ ready for their Friday movie night. It _is_ his favourite night of the week, after all – though it’s entirely possible that Dean doesn’t actually _know_ that.

“You’re the boss.”

As soon as the movie starts, Dean relaxes into the couch with a look on his face like he’s not all that interested in it. That kind of affects how Castiel enjoys the movie. He’s touched that Dean would watch something he’s not one hundred percent into because he wants Castiel to experience it, but at the same time Castiel wants to watch things that Dean likes too.

It doesn’t take long for him to figure out _why_ Dean isn’t very interested in the movie. It follows the first in much the same cinematic greatness and Castiel does enjoy the visuals. The concept of the series itself is still intriguing to think about and to watch, but the dialogue and the writing for the movie feels like it’s changed. It’s just somehow not as enrapturing as the first movie had been.

When the drum scene arrives, Castiel doesn’t understand why Sam warned him to fast forward it and especially why that would be necessary for Dean’s sake. At least – he doesn’t understand for the first few minutes of it. And then the main characters, Neo and Trinity, sneak off to have sex. Nothing explicit is being shown, but it’s the most that Castiel has ever seen in any of the movies that they’ve watched together. Everything else usually changes scenes after the actors start kissing.

This feels more awkward than when he stumbled upon Gabriel’s dirty magazines while cleaning out the closet for his bedroom. And that’s purely because Dean is _right there_. Right now isn’t a matter of finding magazines, flipping through them, seeing naked people then shoving the magazines back into the box they came from and leaving it on Gabriel’s bed. This is a matter of sitting next to Dean and seeing a couple intertwined with each other on the screen right in front of them.

It’s making Castiel feel a little uncomfortable on a number of levels. Particularly because he’s never looked at porn and he doesn’t know how this is affecting Dean. Is he going to be aroused by this scene? What does one even _do_ in this kind of situation? And why did he have to think about Dean being aroused? That just created all manner of problems for him and now Castiel is having a hard time turning his thoughts to something – to _anything_ else.

He shifts uncomfortably and averts his eyes to anywhere but the TV and definitely not towards Dean. His lap is as good an option as any. It’s rather boring, but it’s better than watching a couple actors roll around together. Plus it keeps Castiel from thinking further to such things like what Dean would look like aroused and what he might be able to do to make that happen. Oh Lord help him, _no_. Why would his brain even think about not thinking about that? It’s like he’s _trying_ to sabotage himself!

Heat is starting to burn in his ears and he can feel it in his cheeks too. A blush. Castiel is _blushing_. This is mortifying and he hopes to the high heavens that Dean doesn’t notice it. But of course Castiel’s luck isn’t that good. Of course Dean ends up pausing the movie and looking toward him. And of _course_ he just has to sound and look so very concerned.

“Something wrong, Cas?”

No, nothing is wrong. Nothing at all. It’s not like Castiel is struggling very hard not to think about Dean being aroused and doing all manner of inappropriate things. Good Lord, he can _never_ say that out loud. And he especially can’tsay it to _Dean_ of all people. What can he do? What can he _say_ to deflect this so Dean doesn’t figure it all out? Think – think – think – oh!

Castiel shakes his head and keeps his eyes focused on his lap as he points at the screen. “That’s porn.”

“Well, sort of.” Dean shrugs and narrows his eyes a little at the television. He even tilts his head while he contemplates it. “Softcore, maybe. It’s not explicit or anything.”

Oh no. This isn’t working. Is Dean not accepting that as an answer? Granted, the ‘ _soft core_ ’ porn caught him off guard in the first place, but what else does he need to say for Dean to accept that as the reason why Castiel is acting like this? Oh, of course! He almost wants to slap his palm into his forehead for not realizing it sooner. Dean doesn’t exactly know about Castiel’s past where porn is concerned.

He shakes his head a second time and looks at Dean with the best most innocent look he has in the small arsenal he’s gathered over the years. Castiel is well aware of how effective it is on Dean. “I’ve never watched porn before. This is – I’ve seen a few dirty magazine Gabriel had forgotten in the closet of the bedroom he gave me when I moved in with him, but I've never _watched_ porn.” Every word of that is the truth, but it’s only enhanced by Castiel’s most innocent of expressions. “The magazines were just naked men and women. They weren’t in the middle of the act and it’s –”

“Hold the phone, Cas. Just hold up.” Dean holds up his hand to cut Castiel off. He looks honestly surprised and Castiel isn’t sure which part of what he just said is making him look like that. “Are you – are you _seriously_ saying that you’ve never watched porn before? _Really_?”

Oh. That part. Alright then. Castiel nods and Dean slaps his hand to his chest, adopting the worst look of false horror ever seen. “Oh my God, Cas. How is that even possible? You’re going to be _twenty years old_ this year. Didn’t any of your friends in high school – no. Never mind. Wait here.”

Before Castiel can say anything to stop him, Dean is on his feet and all but running to his bedroom. He’s left with the overpowering feeling that what he was trying to do didn’t work. Actually – what was Castiel even attempting there? Was he attempting to make Dean fast forward through this part in the end? That would’ve been nice, actually. Then the rest of the movie could have distracted him from having any sort of sexual thought about Dean. Castiel has been trying to very hard to _not_ do that while living here and it’s been a daily struggle for him.

It’s also a struggle not to fidget nervously while Dean is in his bedroom. What could he possibly be doing? Is he getting something from there? What could he be getting that would be related to what they were just talking about? Castiel was in the middle of explaining how he’d never seen porn before and then Dean – Oh no.

Immediately, Castiel is conflicted. A part of him is absolutely horrified by the possibility that Dean is getting something related to porn. Another part of him is beyond elated that this could potentially be the next step that Castiel has been looking for. But the next step to _what_ , exactly? Dean has already made it clear that he never wants another relationship again. And yet, he’s been a very sexual creature with plenty of other people. Though Castiel doesn’t want a purely sexual relationship – would a physical one _lead_ to a romantic one? There’s a possibility and it’s not one that Castiel fancies, exactly. It wouldn’t be fair to either of them.

His stomach sinks but his heart starts _pounding_ in his chest when Dean returns with a shoebox in hand. Only it’s not a _shoe_ box. It looks like, at some point, it once held _boots_. Good God, that can’t possibly be _full_ of porn, can it? Castiel hopes not. He’s fairly certain that his heart won’t be able to handle it if there’s nothing but porn in there.

It takes every inch of his willpower not to flinch when Dean drops the box on the table in front of him. Dean spreads his arm in a dramatic sweep. “I hereby rename _Movie Night_ to _Porn Night_.”

He stomps his foot as if he’s trying to make it official and that nearly makes Castiel’s heart stop. It _actually_ ends when Dean flips the box open and there are _dozens_ of DVDs neatly lined up inside. Is this some kind of horrible joke being played on him? Why would – how did – They were just watching the _Matrix Reloaded_. Castiel can’t for the life of him understand what happened for them to logically end up at this point in their evening. And he _really_ wishes that he could just make up his mind to be happy about this or not.

The blush gets even worse and Castiel sinks back into the couch, hoping that it will swallow him whole and keep him from finding out where this situation is going. But he knows that’s not going to happen. Maybe, if he’s lucky, he’ll be able to convince Dean to put the box away and they can return to their regular movie night and Castiel won’t have to deal with _change_ – even if that change is something that he desperately wants.

“Dean, I’m not really sure –” That they should be doing this. “I mean, this isn’t –” Going to make things any better. In fact, it might make Castiel’s attempts to _stop_ thinking lewd things about Dean. “Why are we –” Doing this and not getting back to the movie?

Those are all the things Castiel _wants_ to say, but the rest of his sentences aren’t making it past his tongue. He can’t look away from the box of porn – as if it might do something horrible like jump up and bite him. But at least it’s better than looking at Dean, right? No. No it isn’t. Castiel tries looking away, but he only manages it for a moment before he looks back again. It’s ridiculous because he _is_ slightly curious about it even though he’s not sure he wants to be.

After a few beats of silence, Dean reaches down and flips the box closed. Again, part of Castiel is glad for it while another part of him is rather disappointed. “If you’re not into it, Cas, you know that’s okay, right? Just because I love porn doesn’t mean you have to, and I’m not _that_ huge of a dick to force you to watch something you don’t want to.” He puts his hand on the box and leans down to try and meet Castiel’s eyes. “Just say the word and we’ll go right back to finishing the rest of the move and we’ll forget all about this.”

Castiel curls his fingers into fists on his knees, bunching his sweatpants under them. Should he see what lies down this path? Or should he go back to what he knows? After all, that’s part of the _real_ problem here, isn’t it? “I’m not _uncomfortable_ , Dean. I’m just – I’m out of my element.” That’s an understatement if there ever was one.

There are things about porn viewing that Castiel has only ever heard of or read about. What if he does something wrong? “I’ve never watched porn before. I don’t know the etiquette involved and I –” He bites his lip for a moment to gather the courage necessary to say the rest. “I was raised to think the act of masturbation and all things _sexual_ , even after marriage, were things to be ashamed of.”

Perhaps that might have been the wrong thing to say. Immediately Dean’s face falls into an unhappy frown. “They’re not.” He puts both hands on the box and leans forward again. “Sex is fucking _awesome_ and nobody should be ashamed of enjoying something that's natural, beautiful, and isn't hurting anyone as long as you're being careful and not doing the illegal shit.”

Dear God, are they _really_ talking about sex right now? _Sex_? Castiel is almost positive that he can’t handle this. His poor little heart is going to beat itself to death in the next few seconds – sooner even if he lets himself think about _Dean_ and sex all at the same time. Especially if that sex involves the both of them. At the same time. Oh no. Oh no, no, _no_. His brain needs to stop that right now. Dean said things and Castiel should focus on answering him instead of – of – of thinking about _other_ things.

“I know.” He nods and tries to fight against the blush that must be bruising his cheeks by now. “I've been doing my best to grow outside of the cage I was raised in, but I've still never –” Castiel makes a helpless gesture at the box under Dean’s hands.

“The etiquette, right?” Dean nudges the box across the table and lifts the lid again. “It’s pretty simple. You watch what you enjoy and if you need to whack off, you just go ahead and do it.”

Well yes, that _is_ simple – and Castiel already knew that part. What he doesn’t know is what one does if they’re watching porn in the company of another person. He’s fairly certain that’s where this night is heading – considering that Dean renamed their unofficial ‘ _date_ ’ night. That implies it would be something they do _together_.

Thankfully, Dean answers before Castiel needs to ask. “If there are other people in the room, you make sure that they're okay with it. But I'm not going to judge.” He shrugs and a fond smile crosses his lips as he reminisces about times gone by. “I've lost count of how many times I've jerked off at the same time as a friend.”

Wait. He’s done that with other friends? Who? Are they the friends that Castiel has met? He doesn’t like that Dean has done things with his other friends that he hasn’t done with him. _They’re_ friends too, aren’t they? So, logically, they should do the same things together as Dean does with all his friends. Right? Castiel has the feeling that maybe that isn’t how things work, but there’s a jealous part of him that doesn’t care about that.

He stares at the box, unsure if he’s trying to will it out of existence or not. What would change between them if he and Dean watched porn together? What might happen if either one of them ended up masturbating while they’re both in the same room? A _very_ interested part of him wants to stick around long enough to find out what might happen. Would he even have the self control necessary to keep himself from acting if Dean ends up masturbating next to him? He’d like to think that yes, he would.

Okay. This would be a new experience and most of him wants to have it – especially with Dean; _only_ with Dean. That’s it, he’s decided. Castiel licks his lips and glances around the room, wondering briefly if they’re going to need anything else. The only thing that he can think of is the fact that the door is merely locked and anyone with a key – ie: _Sam_ – could walk in at any time. He uses his foot on the couch to push back far enough to reach the chain latch. There. Problem solved.

When Castiel sits back into place again, he keeps his foot on the couch cushion and all but hugs his knee to his chest. It gives him some slight comfort. “Alright. Let’s – let’s watch one.” Each word is said with his heart in his throat.

“Great!” Dean’s delighted grin is almost enough to ease the nervous flutter bouncing around Castiel’s ribs. “Every young man needs to be educated in the ways of porn. Now, pick your poison: I've got straight, lesbian, gay –”

And once again Castiel feels like his heart has stopped at the same time that it feels like it’s racing. He looks up at Dean in surprise and hugs his leg a little tighter. “Gay?”

Castiel can hardly believe it. Of course he knew Dean was at least somewhat attracted to men. He _did_ give him his phone number, once upon a time. But there hasn’t even been a hint of Dean being attracted to men after that. Having this affirmation just gives Castiel so much _hope_ that he feels like he’s going to _explode_ with it.

Dean shifts on his feet and clears his throat. “Yeah. _Gay_.” He’s staring Castiel down with the kind of defiant look that dares him to say anything homophobic. “I like guys too. Is that a problem?”

It is the exact _opposite_ of a problem and it’s making that blush creep right back into Castiel’s cheeks again. “No, it’s not. I just – I didn’t know that you were –” Good Lord. How is he ever supposed to figure out how to sweep Dean off his feet when he can’t even get his tongue to work properly to _speak_? “That you like – that you were still interested in men too.”

He can actually pinpoint the moment when Dean relaxes. It’s a second before he drops to a crouch so he can start shuffling through the DVDs in the box. “I figured since I like my own dick well enough, other guys can’t be much different. And I was right. Girl or guy, it all feels good.” He shrugs and glances up at Castiel. “What about you? You ever strayed from the straight road?”

Castiel’s heart almost stops again. He’s never told anyone, save for Gabriel, about his sexuality. And he doesn’t quite feel like explaining it right now – especially to _Dean_. That might be enough of a hint to give Dean the idea the Castiel has more feelings for him than simply friendship. If he’s going to answer this question, he needs to keep the answer to a minimum. He needs an answer that isn’t a lie, but isn’t the complete truth. He’s very good at giving those.

“I have no sexual preferences.” There. That’s perfect and hopefully Dean won’t question it too much. Just in case, Castiel mentally crosses his fingers and hopes.

“Oh good! That makes things a hell of a lot easier.” Dean looks back down at the box. He doesn’t sound weirded out by this revelation and Castiel relaxes a fraction. “What do you want to watch? These are pretty vanilla –” He makes a sweeping gesture over the box. “– nothing kinky, really. I know Sam used to sneak them, so I kept all the kinkier shit on my computer.” After a pause, he glances towards the bedroom again. “I could get that if you’ve got more exotic tastes?”

Good sweet Heaven on high, forgive him his blasphemies. But there is no way in this world or the next that Castiel could possibly do that right now. He has barely been able to handle have sexual attraction to start with, let alone thinking about what kind of things he would like to do _during_ sex. At this point in time, Castiel doesn’t even _know_ what kinds of kinks there even are.

A burst of nervous butterflies erupts in Castiel’s chest and he hugs his knee tightly. His other leg starts bouncing at a ridiculous speed and hopefully Dean won’t think that he’s _too_ nervous for this. Castiel wants to do this. He wants to have this experience. It’s just something so very _new_ and he’s just not used to it is all. Once this is over, he won’t be so nervous and everything will be okay – as long as he can convince Dean that he doesn’t need the ‘ _kinky_ ’ stuff.

“No, no – uh – no.” Hopefully Dean won’t take offense to his hurried answer. “That’s fine. You – you can pick, Dean.” And hopefully this won’t be as disastrous an experiment as Castiel thinks it might be.

His nerves start climbing and those butterflies get even worse as Dean changes out the DVDs. Castiel’s heart might as well belong to a rabbit for how quickly it’s beating inside his chest. He’s convinced that Dean is going to be able to hear it at this point. Castiel brings both his feet to the couch and hugs both knees to his chest. Maybe he’ll be able to muffle the sound by sitting like this. As an extra measure, he puts his chin on top of them.

Unfortunately, Castiel’s blush won’t leave. It’s permanently burned into his cheeks and he can only hope that Dean doesn’t notice it when he sits back down. Actually, Dean barely even looks at him when he joins him on the couch again and starts the new video. Is that part of the etiquette for watching porn with someone? It makes sense that you’re not supposed to look at the other person. What if Castiel did that and he caught Dean while he was aroused? Or, worse yet, _masturbating_.

He really should not have thought of that possibility. That really, truly, distracts Castiel from the beginning of the porno. He sees what happens without actually processing it. A bar, a bartender, two men, a pool table, and a poor plotline. Castiel stares without really seeing as the men press against each other in the guise of a poorly executed attempt at teaching each other how to play pool.

It’s not a game that Castiel is overly familiar with, but he knows without a doubt that palming the front of your opponent’s jeans is not a part of playing. At least Castiel gets distracted from thinking about Dean when the bartender leaves the scene and all pretense between the two men at the pool table is dropped. He can hardly believe that he’s actually watching this as the actors hump each other and undress. They kiss, but Castiel doesn’t see any sort of romantic or emotional connection between them – which makes this video exceptionally less arousing for him.

In fact, Castiel just feels queasy right down to his stomach by the time the men are naked. It’s like a bad train wreck and he just can’t look away as demands are made by one to have the other ‘suck his cock’. Such a crude word, but it sound so much less clinical than _penis_. But even watching one fellate the other does nothing for Castiel. He finds nothing about this arousing. It could be if he imagined that the two men in the video were him and Dean, but they don’t look anything even remotely like the actors.

His interest is slightly peaked when one of the men gets bent over the pool table. According to the poor dialogue, the one on the pool table is now going to be ‘ _rimmed_ ’. And from what happens next, apparently that means having their asshole licked. Theoretically, that sounds horrible. But seeing it happen is a whole different story. It certainly looks like the man on the table enjoys what’s being done to him, and that sets the wheels turning in Castiel’s head.

Is rimming considered a kink? It sounds disgusting, but it doesn’t look nearly as bad. In fact, it’s sending a pleasing chill through him – especially when he thinks of doing it to Dean or having Dean do it to him. Interesting. He will have to keep this filed away for the time when – or rather _if_ – he’ll ever be sexually active in his own right. Of course that will only happen when he’s ready and if he’s found a suitable partner willing to have a romantic relationship with him.

Those are rather depressing thoughts, and Castiel is almost happy when they're interrupted by Dean. Until he registers Dean’s words, that is. “Do you mind if I –?” From the corner of his eye, he can see that Dean has glanced at him and he gestures at his lap. “If you’re not comfortable with it, I can leave the room.”

Nothing in this world could stop Castiel from glancing from the screen to Dean. He very carefully does not turn his head however, but he doesn’t need too. Just looking at Dean like this is more than enough for him to be able to see that Dean is very much aroused right now – the front of his jeans tented. Castiel’s mouth goes dry and his face grows very, _very_ hot. Dean wants to masturbate. Here. In the same room. As Castiel. Within _reach_.

God must be punishing him for something.

“It’s – It’s fine.”If Castiel was a stronger person, he would have told Dean that they were done for the evening and they could go their separate ways for the rest of the night. “Do what you want.” Too bad he’s utterly, horrendously, and _completely_ weak.

Dean shrugs in acceptance and leans back into the couch. Castiel immediately looks back to the TV and tries not to acknowledge that he can _just_ barely see Dean spread his legs. The sound of his heartbeat pounding in his ears is almost enough to drown out the sound of Dean undoing his belt. This is now going to be an adventure in exerting his self control and _not_ looking at Dean – and most definitely not _touching_ him.

His fingers are twitching and Castiel grabs fistfuls of his sweatpants to make them stop. It is now completely impossible for him to keep any sort of focus on the television and the porno unfolding on its screen. Every part of him is focused almost completely on what Dean is doing. He can’t quite see what he’s doing, but Castiel can hear it. First it’s a quiet hiss under Dean’s breath, accompanied by the rasp of skin rubbing against the rough fabric of jeans. Dean hasn’t undone them yet, but he’s still touching himself in some way.

Thankfully, Dean gives him some time to adjust. It feels like Dean doesn’t do anything else like that for ages. But even though he’s doing very little, Castiel still finds it a million time mores arousing than the porno they’re watching. The little sounds Dean makes are each a spark burning in Castiel’s veins. The people in the video only make him uncomfortable, but _Dean_ is an entirely different matter. He has Castiel’s full attention whether he knows it or not.

Well this whole evening took a much more interesting turn and Castiel bites his bottom lip, trying hard not to squirm. If he squirms, he makes the fabric of his underwear and his pants get a little tighter over certain _sensitive_ areas – areas that should not, under any circumstance, be touched by him or his clothing. Only bad things will happen – especially while Dean is rubbing himself through his own pants right next to him.

Oh God, but it is getting so very difficult _not_ to have a physical reaction to what’s happening right now. Castiel is most definitely getting hard and nothing he can short of getting up and leaving the room will make it stop. The quietest voice in his brain has been all but screaming for him to leave since Dean brought that box in, but his body just isn’t listening anymore. He couldn’t leave even if he wanted to and he absolutely does not want to be anywhere other than right here.

What are the chances that he’s ever going to get to experience this again? Just because _this_ Friday is renamed to _Porn Night_ doesn’t mean that next Friday is too.

Castiel crosses his ankles and glances at Dean again without turning his head, just to see if he was disturbed by his slight movement. Apparently he hasn’t, as Dean’s hand is still rubbing over the front of his pants and his eyes are still fixed on the screen. There’s a slight flush in his cheeks and Castiel looks away quickly as something curls tight in his gut. He’s getting hot in his clothes, which would explain why they’re called _sweat_ ers and _sweat_ pants, and any moment now he knows that a sweat is going to break out on his brow.

It’s getting very hard to hold still, especially with the how tense things are starting to get in his lower belly. He is most definitely growing hard and it would undoubtedly be showing if his knees weren’t being held to his chest. But Castiel is getting uncomfortable. He wants to move and deal with his growing erection but he can’t bring himself to do that while Dean is _right there_. He’s a much more reserved person than Dean. How much courage would he need to summon to be able to touch himself in the same room as someone else?

Maybe if he just shifts around a bit, he’ll be able to get comfortable _without_ having to touch himself? It’s a possibility and Castiel tries it out. At this rate, he’s going to bite through his bottom lip, but it’s better than accidentally making any kind of sound. Worse yet, though, is that the couch squeaks every time he moves and it makes Castiel wince. Hopefully he’s not being _too_ annoying.

His hopes are dashed when Dean clears his throat. “Dude, if you’re hard, just take care of it already.”

He’s been caught out. Castiel doesn’t know if he should be mortified by this fact or relieved. Now that Dean knows, he doesn’t exactly have to hide it anymore. That doesn’t mean that he has to actually deal with it, but he _could_ make himself more comfortable. Right? The first thing would be to put his feet back on the floor, which he does – but that doesn’t really do anything for him. Now it’s painfully obvious that Castiel has an erection, but hopefully Dean won’t realize that it’s because of _him_ and not the porn.

But Dean _did_ tell him to take care of it and Castiel knows without a doubt that doing so would be an impossible task for him. “I don’t –” He pushes down on the front of his pants, trying to hide the erection or, at the very least, control it. It feels too good and drags interrupts him with a hiss. “I don’t know if I can do it with you here.”

There’s a teasing smile in Dean’s voice. “Is that you asking for a helping hand? Or are you telling me to get the hell out and give you some alone time?”

Castiel nearly chokes on his own tongue. A helping hand? Dean must be joking. Of course he is, but that’s still taking teasing a little too far for Castiel’s liking. He lets Dean know that by throwing a glare at him. As much as he would like a literal helping hand, he wouldn’t want Dean to do that for him when there’s nothing but sex fueling his actions. Castiel wants more than that from him. Dear God, but he so badly wants to know what it would be like to have Dean _touch him_.

No, no, _no_. He can’t think about that. If he thinks about it, he might be tempted to say ‘ _yes_ ’ and nothing good will come of that. At this point, Castiel needs to do something else so he _won’t_ have that temptation available to him anymore. The only options left to him now are leaving the room altogether to deal with his issues in the bathroom, or telling Dean that they’re done for the evening and he should retire to his own room, or he follow in Dean’s footsteps and take care of himself here too.

Can he really do that though? Can he cross that line of friendship and actually _masturbate_ in the same room as Dean? Well – possibly. If he doesn’t think about it too much. Besides, he’s been kind of addicted to the sounds that Dean has been making. It’s barely anything right now, but Castiel would like to hear more of it. What sounds would Dean make once he’s out of his jeans and touching himself properly? Good Lord, but Castiel wants to hear _those_ sounds more than anything right now.

He’ll miss them if he leaves and Castiel absolutely does not want to miss that. That desperate feeling is enough to overpower the majority of his nerves. This is an experience Castiel _wants_ , even if it happens to scare the pants off of him. Speaking of, he needs to get those out of the way if he’s going to meet Dean’s unofficial challenge.

Castiel hunches over his lap and starts picking at the knot he tied the strings in. He does his best to ignore the rapid flutter of his heart against his ribs or how it’s making it hard for him to breathe. He feels a little less awkward about this once Dean stops looking at him and returns to focusing on the screen. The two actors are still going. One of them is on his knees and he’s giving a blowjob to the other. Dean is focused on that while he fumbles with his own pants.

At the sound of a zipper, Castiel almost stops breathing. Next it’s his heart’s turn to nearly stop working when he tries very hard not to notice that Dean has now pushed his pants _and_ his underwear down his hips. A blasphemous mantra starts running in the background of Castiel’s mind as he tries so very hard not to look or notice anything more out of the corner of his eye. More than that, he tries very hard to focus on easing his own clothing out of the way so he can take himself in hand.

This is, quite possibly, the hardest that Castiel has ever been before. He’s leaking quite heavily with pre-cum and his hands tremble a little as he uses it in the stead of the hand cream that he usually uses – or the soap in the shower. Even with the TV playing, Castiel is surprised by how _loud_ everything is, like the mutual sounds of the both of them masturbating. Good _God_ those _sounds_. They’re going to be the death of him because it’s not just the slick slide of a hand over a dick. It’s also the soft sound of Dean’s breathing and little unconscious noises in the back of his throat when he does something he likes.

Dean is touching himself and it’s almost killing Castiel not to glance over and see for himself what that looks like. He wants to know everything about Dean – past, present, future, and most assuredly even what he looks like naked. Castiel wants to know where he’s been kissed by the sun and if the freckles he sometimes sees on his hips when Dean walks around in his underwear are everywhere else too. God help him, but Castiel wants to know Dean completely and he hates that he might never be allowed that.

Besides – it’s probably not proper etiquette to look at each other while masturbating to porn, is it? Of course Castiel knows that he’s not actually aroused by the porn, but Dean doesn’t need to know that. He also doesn’t need to know that Castiel isn’t paying any sort of attention to what is happening on the screen. At this point, he’s not even sure if they’ve actually started having sex or not.

Castiel honestly could not care less about what’s happening in the porno. All he cares about are the soft hitches in Dean’s breath or how he’ll breathe heavily through his nose sometimes. Oh, but what he wouldn’t give to know exactly what Dean does to make himself do that. What he wouldn’t give to be allowed to be the one to give him that kind of pleasure. He’s certain that he would absolutely jump at the chance to be the one to hold Dean close before, during, and after. Granted, he would prefer if he’s feeling were reciprocated for that to ever happen.

And then something happens. Castiel doesn’t know what it is exactly, but everything that Dean is doing changes. He moves his other hand to his lap too, but Castiel doesn’t know what for, and the slick squish of his hand moving over his dick increases dramatically. Is he getting close? Did something happen in the porno? Castiel doesn’t know much about that, but he does feel the fire in his own belly burn hotter at the mere thought that Dean could be nearing his own orgasm.

A muffled moan next to him has Castiel freezing completely. Even his heart feels like it’s stopped as he squeezes his eyes shut and focuses entirely on every sound that Dean makes. From the quiet grunts to soft moans, he listens to each one and mourns that they’re almost drowned out by the rustle of movement as Dean moves. Judging from what he hears, Castiel is fairly sure that Dean leaned forward to grab a handful of tissues from the box they always keep on the coffee table.

Dean groans again and now Castiel knows for certain that he’s coming. _This_ is what Dean sounds like during an orgasm and it’s stirring up a storm inside of him. He wants to know so badly if Dean is holding back his noises or if he always sounds like this. Is there more to it? Is there more for him to learn? Castiel knows that there is and the building desire in his chest wants to learn it _all_.

The storm whirling within him is centered in Castiel’s gut. He knows this feeling and it’s become too familiar with him since he moved in. His own orgasm is fast approaching and the quiet, satisfied groans Dean keeps making aren’t helping matters. If anything, their fuel to that fiery storm. It’s like Castiel swallowed molten lava and everything inside of him is too warm than it should be. He feels like he’s going to burn up from the inside out.

Unsurprisingly, Castiel’s own orgasm strikes him shortly after that. All that escapes him is a choked little gasp and it’s a blessing that it doesn’t contain Dean’s name. Castiel has most definitely come from thinking and focusing on Dean completely. If he wasn’t running high on endorphins, Castiel is certain that he’d be feeling bad right now – like how he kind of feels like he’s somehow betrayed Dean by not being aroused by the porn.

Only after he’s slumped back against the couch and finished stroking himself through his orgasm does Castiel truly realize that he now has a mess all over his hands and seeping into the edges of his pants. Wonderful. He was too wrapped up in thinking about Dean to worry about getting his own tissues to keep from making this disgusting mess. And he’s not in the shower to clean it off like he usually has been for the last several times that he’s done this.

Castiel is still breathing heavily by the time he peels his eyes open. He looks down at his lap and frowns at the mess. What is he supposed to do about this now? It would be gross to just tuck himself back into his pants with all this – His heart trips over itself as the box of tissues enters his field of view. He spares a quick glance at Dean and finds his head back against the couch and his eyes closed. But he still knew. Dean knew that Castiel didn’t use the tissues when he came. Then – what else does he know about?

Panic becomes a growing balloon in Castiel’s chest. He snatches the entire box of tissues and fumbles to clean up enough for him to run away. His brain won’t stop running over everything that he just did. Did any of it give away how Castiel feels for Dean? Or that he was thinking about him the whole time? Does Dean _know_ and that’s why he’s not looking at Castiel right now?

Paranoia and panic are not the best of companions and it’s wreaking havoc with Castiel’s nerves now, utterly destroying what good feels he might have had from his own orgasm. There is only one thing for him to do right now and Castiel jumps up as soon as he’s clean and tucked back into his pants. It’s actually an easy task for him not to look at Dean or his exposed lap as he all but runs past him. He needs to get to the bathroom and wash his hands or shower or drown himself in the sink.

As soon as he’s hidden in the safety of the bathroom, Castiel slumps against the door and resists the urge to cover his face. His heart won’t calm down. It’s going insane trapped in the cage of his ribs and Castiel can’t breathe around it. How can his lungs work when his brain won’t process beyond the fact that he just _masturbated next to Dean_? This is – it was a spur of the moment decision and he doesn’t know if this is good or bad. He doesn’t know what to _think_ and that scares him.

The only thing that makes Castiel move from the door is when he hears Dean in the hall and the sound of his bedroom door closing. It’s like someone dropped ice down his back and Castiel is brought back to reality with a whole slew of new questions. Why is Dean in his bedroom? Is he upset about what just happened? What did Castiel do that would have made him feel like that? Or is he hiding because he knows what was going on in Castiel’s head?

That should be impossible, but Castiel can’t help worrying about it. He thinks about it the whole time that he washes his hands and scrubs clean any cum that ended up on his pants. It leaves him with a few wet spots, but it’s fine. At least there aren’t any stains. Now he doesn’t have to worry about anything other than Dean.

But what if he’s over thinking things? What if there _isn’t_ anything to be worried about? Dean said that he’s done things like this with other friends before. He’s _used_ to this. Maybe there isn’t anything wrong for him and he’s just waiting for Castiel to return to the living room with them so they can continue watching the rest of their other movie? There are so many possibilities and Castiel doesn’t know what would be truth and what is just his own paranoia.

Castiel needs to know. He has to know if he somehow just ruined their friendship by giving in to his most selfish of desires. It’s more likely that he _didn’t_ , but worries are worries for a reason. Maybe – what if he acts like this didn’t affect him? What if he acts like nothing happened and just continues with their night like the porn had never happened? Castiel knows that Dean doesn’t like drama in his own life. If he doesn’t give him a reason for any, then there’s nothing that Dean needs to stress over either.

Okay, yes. That sounds like a good plan. And it works in Castiel’s favour too.  If _he_ doesn’t talk about it, then it’s likely that _Dean_ won’t either. Really, right now, the last thing Castiel wants to do is talk about this. He doesn’t want to acknowledge that this happened until he’s _ready_ to deal with it. And that will be when he’s alone in his bed without Dean as a distraction. Alright. Yes. A sound plan and Castiel likes it – for now. Things will change, certainly. But right now, he needs some normalcy after that.

When Dean comes out of his bedroom, he’s wearing pajamas now. He looks surprised to find Castiel waiting for him on the couch. It takes everything in Castiel’s very slim repertoire of acting abilities to keep his face completely neutral when he glances at Dean again. “Are we going to finish the rest of the Matrix movie?” Mentally, he has his fingers crossed hoping that Dean will agree and they can go about the rest of their day like normal.  

“Yeah, sure.” Dean gives him an odd look as he scrolls through the DVD menu looking for the scene they left off on. Before he chooses it though, he turns to Castiel again and makes his stomach dive through the bottom of the couch in nervous preparation for what comes next. “Are you okay?”

Castiel looks back to the TV, eyeing the square with the still image of the scene they’re about to watch. “I’m fine, Dean.” Fine enough that he doesn’t want to disrupt the rest of Dean’s evening with his own internal guilt ridden turmoil.

He doesn’t think Dean believes him. There’s doubt in his voice when he speaks again. “Are you sure? I mean, if we crossed a line or something and you were uncomfortable with it, I’ll understand if you tell me to go fuck myself.” Now he’s actually starting to sound a little nervous. “I’ll never bring it up again and we can just keep going on like this never –”

No, no, _no_. Dean is worrying and Castiel hates that he’s the reason behind it. He needs to fix things and make things okay again. There’s already too much on Dean’s plate for him to need to be concerned about this too.

“It’s _fine_ , Dean.” Castiel gives him a soft, small smile, hoping to placate him. “It was an… experience, but really, it’s alright.” A bit of an understatement in the ‘experience’ department, but that’s fine. “If I had been uncomfortable, I doubt I would have been able to achieve orgasm.” And that’s one of the few things really making Castiel feel _good_ about what just happened.

But his answer must give Dean some kind of solace, because he snorts a laugh and shakes his head. “Y’got a point there, Cas.” He point the remote at the TV again, but he doesn’t push the button. Instead, he looks to Castiel again. “So, you’d be down for more of that sometime?”

That – well, that is not something Castiel has really thought of yet. He doesn’t have a ready answer for Dean and he can only shrugs in response as he looks away again. “Perhaps. Ask me again in the future.”

Castiel honestly doesn’t know what his answer will be then. First he needs to pretend that he’ll be paying attention to this move and then he’ll need to think long and hard about what just happened, how it makes him feel, and how this has changed anything between the two of them. And he sincerely hopes, beyond all realm of possibility, that nothing has changed for the _worse_.

*

After a not-so-restful night’s sleep, Castiel has come to a few conclusions. Of everything that he knows for certain about what happened last night, he knows that he doesn’t feel _embarrassed_ about masturbating in front of Dean – or rather, _next_ to him. The rest of his feelings are still rather up in the air about it. Especially since he finds it difficult to keep looking Dean in the eye because it doesn’t take much at all for him to remember everything that he _heard_ last night.

And, of course, if that wasn’t bad enough, his imagination was already enough to arouse Castiel in regards to Dean on normal occasions. But now that Castiel has _sounds_ that he can pair with those fantasies, he finds himself feeling a burn of arousal almost every time that he starts to imagine what Dean was doing to make those noises. And then it all starts bouncing around inside his head and there’s no escape if he can’t distract himself from that _immediately_.

All of that just results in Castiel being a little bit more quieter than usual – especially when Dean is around. It might be his imagination (and he sincerely hopes that it is), but he also suspects that Dean is having problems of his own. For one, Dean seems to have issues with looking Castiel in the face during the following few days. But maybe that’s just Dean playing off of how awkward Castiel has been feeling since then – if only because of his damn imagination.

There are too many possibilities and each one occurs to him during the following week. Despite that, none of them keep Castiel from being ready for their next movie when Friday night rolls around again. He may have spent a week coasting through his classes while he thoughts were a jumble of fantasies, questions, and worries, but he still wants to have this special evening with Dean. No matter what they end up watching, he wants to be here to share that time with him.

Which is why Castiel isn’t surprised to find himself sitting on his end of the couch on Friday night shortly after Sam has already left for his practice. Once again he’s hugging one of his knees to his chest, but it’s more a comfort thing than it is anything else right now. Especially since Dean comes out of his bedroom with that boot-box of DVDs carried under one of his arms again. He’s not surprised by it, since Dean likes porn and he has a good memory for all the things that he likes.

It’s a testament to Castiel’s willpower that keeps him from blushing and looking away when Dean puts the box down on the table again. And that’s even more so considering that Castiel doesn’t breathe a sigh of relief when Dean gives him a _choice_.

“Your pick, Cas.” He gestures down at the box before resting his hands on his hips. “Porn or a movie?”

There have been plenty of hard decisions in Castiel’s life, but he is almost positive that this is the worst one yet. He sighs and twists to rest his elbow on the couch’s armrest and covers his face with his hand. “I don’t know, Dean.”

Because, yet again, Castiel is horribly conflicted. Though his hormones only drive a very small part of his consciousness, it has grown increasingly vocal since he moved in with the Winchesters. That loud little voice is all but demanding that Castiel choose porn and gather more information for his data banks. The rest of him, though being the majority, has a very small voice and merely _suggests_ that he choose the movie. It’s not a unanimous decision by a long shot, but Castiel knows what Dean would pick if the choice was left up to him.

Dean seems both amused and proud of Castiel’s answer. He grins as he flips the box open and turns it around to face Castiel, as if he’s leaving the pick of the DVD up to him too. “Have you watched any more porn since your christening last week?”

Well that is just a _wildly_ inappropriate thing to say in this kind of situation. Castiel glares at Dean through his fingers. “That’s not an appropriate term to use for what happened last week.” His parents would have a heart attack if they heard Dean blaspheme like that.

“I’m aware.” He shrugs, proving that he likely did it to annoy him. Dean taps the box to bring Castiel’s attention to it again. “Have you or haven’t you? You’ve got a laptop and the whole living room to yourself at night. Did you do some internet exploring?”

Out of everything that Castiel has looked up online in the last week, _porn_ is not one of them. Though it did come up on the search results several times. That was a given though, considering that he was looking up information about masturbating with friends and hoping for other perspectives on it. He just needed to understand and reassure himself that there is nothing wrong with doing that in the same room as a friend, and especially when watching porn together.

The fact that he’s actually researched into this is what brings a small blush to Castiel’s cheeks. “I haven’t.” He shakes his head and looks down at the box. There are just so many _options_ and Castiel doesn’t have the first clue which one they should watch. It’s not like he’s even going to pay any attention to it. “You can pick.”

One of Dean’s eyebrow twitches up in curiosity. “Pick a porno?” His smile grows again. “I can do that. We could watch something short and sweet, get our rocks off, and then watch a movie - if you’re okay with doing that?”

That sounds like a good plan. Something short means less awkwardness. And then they can watch the last Matrix movie and Castiel can valiantly try to pay attention to it too instead of focusing on the fact that they once again will have (likely) masturbated side by side. Maybe, if he exposes himself to this kind of situation more often - with Dean only, of course - he’ll be more comfortable with it. This is just new and unusual for him and he only needs to adjust to it. Once he does that, everything will be okay. Although his imagination might run away with him most days and he’ll always be guilt ridden for being aroused by Dean instead of the porno.

Enough introspection. Castiel can do this. He _can_. His lips feel so dry and he licks them, swallowing around the nervous lump in his throat as he nods. “I am.”

Dean selects one quickly and they settle on the couch with the box of tissues between them. Castiel doesn’t move to try and get prepared to masturbate, but Dean does undo his pants. He starts the DVD and picks the the first video on it. Apparently there are a few short ones on this one DVD. Castiel chews his lip lightly while the poor plotline plays out, waiting to see what’s going to happen and how long it will take before Dean gets aroused again.

Castiel is rather appalled by this storyline. What babysitter in their right mind would _invite_ the pizza delivery man into the house while the child is asleep in their room upstairs? Since when do babysitters even order pizza in the first place? Wouldn’t the parents have left the money for her to do that _before_ the child was put to bed? And who would order pizza without the money to pay for it in the first place? This plot is full of illogical holes and it annoys Castiel to the point that there is _no_ warmth in his veins or under his skin.

Also, he finds it very rude that the babysitter would take the delivery boy to the _parents’ bedroom_. This isn’t her home. She doesn’t have permission to do that! It’s absolutely terrible and Castiel puts his foot down on the floor again so he has the room to cross his arms and all but _glare_ at the TV while this absolutely horrendous storyline plays out. He knows that pornography is purchased for the content rather than the story, but this is just insulting.

The last thing Castiel expects to happen is for the delivery boy to start smacking the babysitter’s bottom while she’s kneeling on the bed in front of him. She’s being _spanked_ and Castiel can’t for the life of him understand why. Isn’t spanking what parents do to their children to punish them? Is the delivery boy punishing her for her blatant disregard for this family’s home? No, this is – is spanking a _kink_ , like Dean mentioned last week? That would make sense, actually, even if Castiel doesn’t really understand it.

Try as he might, he just can’t find the appeal in having someone slap his ass. Maybe only one slap as a joke or something, like they do in sports leagues, but spanking just does not hold any sexual allure for him. Castiel can accept that some people might like it, but he’s fairly certain that he doesn’t. His mother spanked him once for using a curse word in front of her before he learned that it was improper for a young gentleman to swear.

Watching the delivery boy repeatedly spank the babysitter while he’s having sex with her leaves Castiel feeling mildly uncomfortable and not even remotely aroused. It doesn’t help matters that he’s finding it nearly impossible to even slightly pretend that there’s a connection between the two characters or even their actors. Do they even like one another? There’s no _chemistry_. This is nothing more than sex and Castiel doesn’t like it.

At least last week the actors seemed more familiar with each other. They actually looked like friends and the sex involved plenty of kissing. These two barely kiss at all. It’s just sex and as soon as Castiel realizes it, his attention wanes. It wasn’t like he _intended_ to pay so much thought to this porno, but it was better than being completely focused on Dean like he was last week. There are no guilty feelings brewing in his chest so far and that makes him feel a little better.

But this video is bothering Castiel a little too much. Maybe if he asked Dean, they could move on to a different one that he might actually enjoy. If only Castiel had remembered that while _he_ might not be enjoying the porno, that doesn’t mean that Dean isn’t either. When he looks over toward Dean to ask his question, no words make it out of his mouth. Instead, Castiel just about swallows his tongue and he’s _very_ lucky that he doesn’t make a sound as he looks away quickly before he’s caught for looking.

It’s not late. The image of what he just saw is burned into his mind and he is _never_ going to forget it. If he closes his eyes, even while facing the TV, Castiel can still see how Dean’s shirt was pushed up almost to his ribs, baring his belly and hips. Dean’s jeans were open and he had been palming himself through the front of his underwear. But as interesting as that was, Castiel can’t stop seeing what Dean’s _face_ looked like.

Those flushed cheeks, parted lips, and hooded eyes will haunt Castiel’s dreams and his fantasies for the rest of his life. Now, if only they had been focused on _him_ instead of on the TV. God, but if Dean had been looking at him like that, Castiel’s life would have been complete. He would actually fight in a gladiator ring for the chance to capture that look on film. It was heart stopping and it’s taking everything Castiel has to keep from stealing another look just to see it again.

He keeps his own eyes closed or trained on a corner of the TV where he doesn’t actually have to pay any attention to what’s happening on screen. In fact, Castiel has almost all but forgotten what’s happening in the porno. Dean has started making his soft sounds again and they’re even better than they were last week. He’s masturbating again and it fuels everything in Castiel’s own mind – bringing his own arousal into full swing. As Gabriel would say it, he’s gone from zero to sixty in no time flat.

There’s only one thing that keeps Castiel from stealing more glances. He wants to so badly that it hurts, but he occupies himself with getting his own erection out of his sweatpants to get started on his own pleasure. It would feel too much like a betrayal to actually _look_ at Dean while he has his dick out. He might not have been given any actual rules about what he should and should not do while masturbating together, but Castiel is terrified of getting caught. He’s too afraid that Dean will hate him for it.

This is bringing them closer together in some way and Castiel wants to see where it goes. He wants the experience of doing something that apparently lots of boys his age and younger do together. And if he ruins it by crossing some unspoken line, they might just stop doing this. And he can’t bring himself to end things as they are just yet. There’s still too much to learn, to see, to do, to _feel_.

But, if necessary, Castiel could do without the porn. He would be happy with just having his regular movie night with Dean. The only thing he can see being accomplished by the watching porn together is that it’s essentially the only intimate thing that he’ll ever have with Dean. Now that they’ve crossed this line, they’ve become closer friends, haven’t they? This takes them a step beyond _best friends_ , right? If they hadn’t started doing this, he would still just be a friend – a roommate.

What Castiel tries very hard not to think about is how this is a step towards what he wants with Dean. And it’s the closest he’ll likely get. This may be outside of his comfort zone, but that could be only because this is still entirely new to him. If he could just shut off his brain to stop analyzing everything, he might actually be able to just sit back and accept this. He _wants_ to, but thinking has always been what he does best and he can’t just turn it off at the drop of a hat.

Is it so wrong of him to want to be selfish for a little while? He won’t likely have anything more than this with Dean and he wants to take advantage of this while he can. Castiel wants to hold onto this until it’s no longer available to him because he knows that this is all he’s ever going to get to have. Dean doesn’t want a romantic relationship with anyone ever again. Which means only physical relationships are left to him, but Castiel doesn’t want loveless sex. He wants – he wants so many things and he doesn’t know how to go about getting it.

Even if he’s a little uncomfortable right now, Castiel can grin and bear it. He won’t be for long once he’s used to it. And, besides, Dean is worth this. Having this experience with him is worth anything because Dean is worth _everything_. Castiel has _never_ wanted anyone like he does Dean and he’s terrified of how it makes him feel – and especially of how it affects his decisions.

*

Castiel’s palms are sweating and he wipes them clean on his pants. No one is particularly watching him while he waits his turn in line at the gas station, but he still feels like the entire world has their eyes on him. It feels like everyone knows why he’s there and that he keeps glancing at the wall of boxes and bottles behind the counter. This is the only place that he felt comfortable coming to get what he’s here for, but he still feels nervous about it.

His gym bag with his Taekwondo gear is heavy on his shoulder but he refrains from shifting it to the other one. It might just draw attention to him and he doesn’t want more people to notice that he’s here. There’s an intense paranoia bouncing around inside his head that somehow this is going to get back to his parents, even though no one knows what he’s here for and he’s going to be paying in cash. It’s not even an odd purchase, yet he can’t help but worry anyways.

“Hey, what can I get’cha?” The bored teenager at the counter gives him a flat look when it’s Castiel’s turn. He even glances down at the utter lack of items in his hands.

Castiel clears his throat and points at the wall behind the teen, just a few years younger than himself, by the looks of it. “I’d like one bottle of the KY lube, please.” It’s a miracle that his voice doesn’t crack and that he doesn’t stutter his request.

To his credit, the teen is unfazed. He must have requests like this all the time, since the lube and the condoms are kept on the wall behind the counter. It’s an odd place to keep them, but Castiel can understand that the condoms might be a hot commodity for being stolen. Especially if most teenagers, like himself, were taught that sex is a terrible thing that no one should have until they’re married. Anyone younger than him who wants condoms must feel terribly anxious when they come in to purchase them.

As soon as the bottle is bought and paid for, Castiel tucks it away into the side pocket of his duffle bag and leaves the gas station as normally as he can. This is the first time that he’s ever bought anything like this and he can’t tell if he’s nervous for having bought it or if he’s excited to get to use it. The idea had come to him last night when he was in bed and he can hardly believe that he actually followed it through in the light of day.

Last night was Friday again and Castiel had watched two very short pornos with Dean before their normal movie. The pornos both had gay pairings in them and watching them had given Castiel an idea that he doesn’t want to pass up. In one of the videos, there hadn’t even been any penetration. One of the men had gotten the other off entirely from just a blowjob and fingering his partner. And that – that was something that had made Castiel a little hot under his collar once he replaced the two actors with himself and Dean in his head.

Maybe he won’t do it tonight, or even tomorrow night, but sometime soon Castiel would like to try fingering himself. He knows from basic anatomy knowledge that fingering will be necessary to prepare anyone for receiving anal penetration. If he ever plans on potentially having sex with a partner one day, he wants to know what he does and doesn’t like before getting into it. He owes his future partner that much at the very least.

At this point, Castiel barely knows what he likes about touching himself. He would hardly consider himself a connoisseur of masturbation – even though he’s been doing that a _ridiculous_ amount lately. It actually surprises him that his sex drive could be so very _active_ once given the right motivators. In this case, that would be Dean – and an overactive imagination. And it’s that very same imagination that has had Castiel thinking about sex with Dean where _he_ is on the receiving end.

That had been a wonderful fuel to dump on the fire of his idea to try fingering himself. If the opportunity ever presents itself, which he doubts it ever will in the situation that he would like it to, knowing how he likes being fingered will be a great help for preparing for that stage – not that he’s actually hoping for that or anything. Castiel knows what Dean does and doesn’t want. It’s all just a matter of figuring out what _he_ wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warnings:_
>
>> \- Pornography  
> \- masturbation  
> \- references to spanking


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You ready for this?” Dean asks as he sits forward to grab the remote and the tissues from the table. He puts the box between them. “This one is a bit long, but I figure we just get ‘er done and then we can go ahead and watch Avatar. Sound good?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter content warnings are at the end of chapter. Please click the link below to see them.**
> 
> This chapter takes place during [Chapter Three](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3931444) of the A Little Patience storyline.

Up until it finally happens, it feels like Castiel waits an eternity for the rare night when both Sam _and_ Dean are out of the apartment for the night. For how often Sam leaves for his own work, basketball practice, or Jess, it’s surprising how rare it is. At least one of them is usually home when Castiel is here and he has the feeling it’s because neither of them really likes leaving him alone. Why? Honestly, he hasn’t the first clue.

There are a few theories, however. One could be that they both know Castiel did not have any friends before the Winchesters and Jess entered his life and they think it sad to leave him out of things now. Which isn’t all that true, actually. Sam invites him to plenty of things. Castiel has spent more evenings than he cares to remember sitting in Jess’s apartment studying with the two of them. He always returns home though, even if Sam plans to spend the night. It’s just that he happens to prefer his own bed, as opposed to sleeping the night on Jess’s couch. Besides, that wouldn’t be fair to her roommates.

But finally the night comes where Sam doesn’t plan to come home after his shift. He’ll be going straight to Jess’s afterwards. And it also happens to be an evening where Dean’s friends have invited him out drinking. He doesn’t explicitly say that he won’t be home again after he leaves, but if history is anything to go by, Castiel knows he won’t be coming back. Dean _rarely_ comes back when he goes out to the bar. More often than not, he finds someone else to go home with – though Castiel never disregards the idea (the _hope_ )that Dean might just be spending the night on one of his friends’ couches.

Since he doesn’t exactly know where Dean is going to sleep, Castiel hopes that his own plans for the evening will be enough to stop him from being _too_ focused on that. And since his plans are rather exciting and leave him with anticipation twisting through his belly, he’s fairly certain that they will. After all, this is the first night that he’ll finally be able to use the lube that he bought a few weeks ago. It’s been hidden at the bottom of his underwear pile since the day he brought it home.

That anticipation sends a chill over Castiel that almost makes him feel like he’s sweating while he waits what he thinks to be an appropriate time after Dean has left. He doesn’t want to risk that Dean might come back right when things are getting good. Or – at least – Castiel _hopes_ things will be good. This will be something entirely new to him and he wants to have the time to explore it to the full limits of his own pleasure. He wants to figure out what will and will not feel good for him and he’s looking forward to learning it.

While that appropriate time period ticks on by, Castiel opens his laptop and checks one of the websites he’s visited with an incognito browser. The URL is memorized so he doesn’t need to favourite it or risk not being able to find it again. This particular site is home to an informative step by step process for healthy and safe anal play. Out of all the ones that Castiel had perused for this specific topic, it had the most information and the most detail in what should and should not be done.

And step number one is to be _clean_. It recommends an enema for those who are more than worried about getting feces on anything they don’t want it to be on, but Castiel isn’t _that_ worried about it. He went to the washroom earlier and cleared things out, so he should be fine with a simple shower. Hopefully. If he ends up getting grossed out by anything, then perhaps anal sex just won’t be for him in the future. Or he needs to adjust something and try again, maybe this time with the enema.

A shower is the perfect way to occupy him while waiting for his mental timer to countdown and Castiel wastes a good ten minutes in there. He cleans himself from head to toe and spends more time than usual with cleaning some of his most sensitive areas – areas that he’s never cleaned quite _this_ thoroughly before. It actually feels quite refreshing and the rough fabric of the cloth sends pleasant chills racing under Castiel’s skin whenever he rubs it over his hole. An odd term, but he prefers it to asshole – since he’s much too accustomed to hearing that as an insult to want to use it in reference to any part of himself, even if it _is_ rather true.

By the time his shower is done, Castiel can feel the first few pulses of heat in his veins. It’s not anything like he’s become all too used to feeling while thinking of Dean, but it will be satisfactory for what he plans to try tonight. He takes his time with drying off and doesn’t’ bother with putting on clothing afterwards. The towel stays wrapped around his hips as he makes his way through the apartment to double check the closed curtains over the balcony door and to lock the door with the chain – because he can’t shake the feeling that someone is going to come home tonight regardless of their original plans.

While his laptop has been safely moved to his small bedside table, Castiel flips back his blanket starting from the end of his bed. He rolls it back up towards the head of the bed to give him something to lean on. His towel, though slightly damp, gets spread out over top of his sheets. This holds the potential of getting rather messy and he doesn’t want to have to change his sheets when this is over. If this turns out to be a successful endeavor, it’s possible that he won’t have the energy to do it afterwards.

With his laptop positioned so Castiel can still read the screen, he uses some hand sanitizer to clean his hands again. The website says that his hands should be clean when he puts his fingers in and that he shouldn’t touch anything else in between. He doubts that he’ll be _this_ much of a stickler when – or _if_ – he’s ever wrapped up in the heat of having sex with someone. But since this is first time _ever_ trying to put anything _in_ him, he’ll follow the suggestions to a tee.

The list of things to do and the many suggestions to make it all pleasurable for him are already memorized, but Castiel still wants the computer in front of him – just in case he forgets while in the heat of the moment. His laptop screen is the only light in the apartment to see by and that’s exactly how Castiel prefers it. He always feels so oddly self-conscious when he’s naked in the open. A bedroom is fine, but this is not exactly a _bedroom_. Besides, an actual _light_ might make it possible for him to be seen from the door through the crack when opened with the chain lock in place.

Castiel chews on his bottom lip while he pours a healthy amount of lube into his palm. It’s much more slippery than he thought it would be at first. Of course, that’s what lube is _for_ , but he’s still never had it squishing between his fingers before. At least it’s warmed by the time he leans back and spreads his legs. He’s not fully aroused yet, but he strokes himself absently while probing with his fingers. It feels weird to be touching back here without a toilet paper barrier, but every time his fingertip grazes across his hole, a pleasant tingle shoots up his spine.

For a while, Castiel just massages the area around his hole. He tries not to run over the list in his head _too_ much, because focusing on it makes it a little hard for him to relax. Being relaxed is a key part of any kind of anal penetration. It takes a deep breath and closed eyes to bring him to that point – and even then, all he pushes in is the very tip of his middle finger. Well _that_ is certainly an interesting sensation and it forces a small gasp out of him.

It feels _good_ and Castiel breathes hard through his nose while he pushes a little deeper, testing his limits. With his eyes closed, it’s almost too easy to imagine that it’s someone else touching him. A significant other testing the waters and taking their time to work him open. The moment he starts thinking about that is the moment when he _really_ starts getting hot under his skin. Having someone sitting behind him, holding him to their chest and pressing kisses to the back of his neck while they take their time to work their fingers into him – it gets his blood racing and his heart pounding better than anything else ever could.

That’s what makes him really start getting hard. It’s difficult to pretend that the person holding him in his imagination _isn’t_ Dean, but it could really be no one else. He’s the only person that Castiel wants, no matter how much he fights against it. The second finger slowly working its way into him isn’t his own – or, at least, it isn’t in his head. With his imagination in full swing, it’s _Dean_ touching him and pushing in a little deeper – just a little further. And it’s _Dean’s_ fingertip that grazes his prostate and draws another gasp from the bottom of Castiel’s lungs.

Oh, _wow_. That is – that feels _way_ better than anything the website described. Castiel can’t stop himself from throwing his head back as he rubs against that one little spot inside that feels just a bit different from the rest. But dear God does it feels _good_. The only strange bit about this is the itch burning in his skin for _more_. It’s as if he just doesn’t feel full enough with two fingers stretching him open. Would that burn be satisfied with a third?

Castiel wasn’t really planning on trying anything more than two, but now that the idea is in his head, he can’t stop thinking about it. His imaginary Dean whispers sweet nothings in his ear while he slowly works a third in and Castiel can hardly keep back a pleased moan. It feels so _weird_ , but not in a bad way. If anything, this is one of the best things he’s ever felt and there’s no way that he can stop now. There’s a pressure building up inside of him and Castiel feels like he might just burn up from it.

The hand he has wrapped around his dick moves quick, stroking him in just the way that he enjoys the most. With the added stimulus of his fingers, Castiel knows that he’s not going to last anywhere near as long as he usually does. Granted, when he’s masturbating on his own it can take forever, as opposed to when he does it with Dean next to him. Having him around usually gets Castiel to completion in less than half the time it normally takes.

It takes a while for him to notice that his hips are twitching and pushing down onto his fingers. This is the first time his body has done something like this all on its own. He’s never been lost in sensation like this before and Castiel lets out a loud whine as he rubs at his prostate a little more. God help him, it just feels so good and he wishes – he wishes so _badly_ that it was Dean touching him, that it was Dean giving him this pleasure and kissing him during and after and always and –

And it’s little surprise that when Castiel comes, not only is it a powerful orgasm that has his shaking and tightening almost painfully around his fingers, but it’s Dean’s name on his lips as he breaks apart at his seams. It’s not an overly _loud_ moan, but it’s still one nonetheless and Castiel immediately hates himself for it. Usually he doesn’t have a problem with moaning quietly, and especially when nobody's home. But why did it have to be _Dean’s_ name? Why did it have to be any name at all? Couldn’t it just have been a singular sound?

There’s a cooling mess on his stomach and the weird feeling of having fingers in his ass isn’t feeling all that amazing anymore. His mood has soured quickly with guilt while Dean’s name echoes in his head. With an unhappy sigh, he carefully pulls his fingers out and wipes his hands clean on the towel. Castiel gathers the towel up too and uses it to wipe any lube from between his legs. Even though he just showered and his hair is still damp – though from sweater or the shower, he’s not sure which – he feels so very _dirty_. But not because of what he just did.

No, no. _That_ was amazing. That was something he’s going to most certainly do again when the opportunity presents itself and most likely in the shower. But imagining Dean being the one touching him and actually saying his _name_ just – it feels like such a betrayal. Will he ever be able to _not_ think about Dean while masturbating? Will he ever be able to not feel like he’s the scum of the Earth for this? God, he can only hope.

Part of him is trying to convince himself that there must be plenty of people out there who think of people who aren’t their partners while pleasuring themselves. It’s not _that_ big of an issue, is it? Thinking is free game as long as he’s not thinking truly problematic things, right? Maybe. He’s not sure of it is and it’s that doubt that keeps that self loathing rooted in Castiel’s chest every time that he does this. Everything would be fine if his brain just didn’t over think or worry so much about it.

With a sigh, Castiel tosses his towel into the laundry hamper at the end of his bed. It’s one that his mother sent him that doubles as a wicker bench. Inside are three sections, each capable of being removed on their own, for him to separate his clothing into. He doesn’t have many colourful clothing, so it’s essentially towels, darks, and whites. Speaking of clothing, he’s feeling very naked right now and he doesn’t like it. Of course he’s undressed, but his thoughts have left him even more bare than previously and it’s making him _very_ uncomfortable.

As soon as he’s dressed, Castiel pulls back the curtains and opens the balcony door for a while. Even though _he_ can’t smell any difference in the air, he still wants to clear the apartment for a while. Just in case. Which is the same reason why he takes the chain off the door. If Dean or Sam comes home, he doesn’t want them to be completely locked out and force him to actually get out of bed to let them in if he’s already sleeping at that point.

But sleep is a long way off. There’s at least a few hours between now and his usual bedtime – especially for a week night. Which means he has much too long to be wrapped up alone with his thoughts. What he needs is a good distraction and homework is the only – or rather, the most important – thing that he has to do at the moment. It’s not so much homework as it is simply studying up, but at least it’s something to do.

He folds his blanket out again and gets tucked underneath it with his notebook propped open on his chest. Castiel thought it would be easy to use his notes as a way to stay distracted, but they’re not doing much. It’s hard to stay focused on the words when he keeps thinking about how his butt is feeling a little weird and perhaps a little sore despite how he took his time with preparing himself. On top of that, his mind keeps choosing to nag him for having had Dean in his imagination.

It’s not something that he should feel this bad for, but Castiel doesn’t like that he thought about Dean in that sense without his knowing. It feels like a betrayal of his trust or something similar. No matter how good it felt for him, he can’t stand feeling like this afterwards. He needs to keep Dean out of his thoughts in the future if he ever doesn’t want this annoying – and rather upsetting – feeling when he should be enjoying the high of his orgasm.

Why isn’t studying doing its job for him right now? At the very least it should be giving him a topic to think about that _isn’t_ Dean. What he needs to do now is drown himself in his homework. If he devotes almost every waking moment to it and his classes, just like he used to, maybe he’ll get out of this rut that has him far too focused on Dean. Of course, the only exception to that will be on Fridays because Castiel refuses to miss that particular date – even though it does absolutely nothing to help stop him from being so ridiculously distracted.

Although… Would anyone else actually consider it a problem to be distracted by something in a window while out on a run? It must happen to other people all the time, right? Because Castiel can’t be the only person in the world who sees something and thinks that it’s something their best friend would like. He can’t be the only one who has to resist buying it because he’s not completely sure how Dean would take to receiving random gifts.

Aside from that, wouldn’t it be inappropriate of him to buy things for Dean all the time? Not to mention how rude it would be to give presents to Dean but nothing to Sam. Of course he sometimes does see things that he thinks Sam or Jess would like, but he never knows if it would be a welcomed gift or not. That doubt keeps him from buying anything for anyone randomly. He can wait for birthdays and Christmas, where gift giving is more appropriate.

With a groan, Castiel rolls onto his stomach and pulls his pillow under his chest. He props his notebook up against the wall and stares at the words until they blur together. Dean has been occupying the majority of his thoughts ever since their movie nights took on the addition of porn that he’s rather worried how his _problem_ has really only gotten worse. By all accounts, that is _not_ a good thing.

The school year is coming to a close in the next month and exams will be starting next week, though his own are most packed into the last two weeks of the period. This is the last week of classes and then he has a couple where he can study until his brain bleeds out his ears. Hopefully doing nothing but studying for the next few weeks will keep his mind off Dean. And he can only cross his fingers and pray that his grades haven’t been affected in the slightest by the last month of intense hormonal distractions.

If anything drops even half a mark, Father would immediately question it. How in the world would Castiel ever explain to him why his schooling is suffering? It’s not like he could just _tell_ his father that apparently he’s finally getting the rest of puberty that he apparently missed out on when it should have been happening. Good Lord. That could quite possibly be the most awkward conversation they would ever have in either of their lifetimes.

*

Castiel wakes with a start the moment he hears keys turning in the lock. He doesn’t get out of bed and he doesn’t move. But he does open his eyes a fraction and squint through the darkness at the front door, wondering who it could be coming home this late. Without grabbing his phone, he has no way of knowing what time it is. But it doesn’t feel like he’s been asleep for too long. Though that really doesn’t mean anything in the long run.

The door swings open a bit and a head pokes through. In this light, Castiel can’t make out who it is. Whoever it is, he hopes they’re alone. Well, only if it’s Dean. If it’s Sam, Castiel will forgive him for bringing Jess home with him. And he’ll forgive Dean if it’s perhaps one of his friends. But if it’s his bed partner for tonight, Castiel will have to get up and firmly remind Dean of their rule about how he isn’t allowed to bring his one night stands here. It will mean he has to tell Dean ‘ _no_ ’, but in this situation he’s fairly certain he could summon up the willpower for that.

His heart feels like it stops and starts in his chest when a soft whisper reaches him from across the room. “Cas? You awake?”

It’s Dean. And Castiel can never _not_ answer him. He reaches out and grabs his phone to turn it on and look at the time. It’s barely an hour after midnight and he’s been asleep for just under two. The light of his phone must be the answer that Dean’s was looking for, because he doesn’t wait for Castiel to say anything in response. And since it’s clear that Castiel is awake, Dean shuts the door behind himself without any attempt to be quiet.

“Sorry.” Dean keeps whispering, even though they’re the only two home. “Did I wake you?”

“Your keys did.” Castiel puts his phone back and doesn’t bother to sit up. “I thought you weren’t going to be coming home tonight.”

The thumps of Dean’s shoes being kicked into the closet and the sound of the lock being turned precedes a yawned answer. “I wasn’t gonna, but then I wasn’t really in the mood for much drinking. I was sober enough to drive home.” He shuffles further into the apartment and the light through the part in the curtains illuminates his legs for a brief moment as he passes through it. “Weeknights don’t always have the best pickings at the bar either. Didn’t meet anyone I was interested in.”

“You poor thing.” It takes a surprising lack of effort to make those three words sound as sarcastic as he does. Perhaps the secret is to be half awake?

Dean huffs a laugh and continues straight for his bedroom. “Yeah, yeah. Woe is me, right?” He muffles a yawn and Castiel watches the shadowed shape of him wave. “Sorry for wakin’ ya. Wake me when you do and I’ll make breakfast as an apology.”

“Understood. I’ll wake you at six.” That’s nearly three hours before Castiel actually needs to get up, but some teasing is in order for this. “Sleep well, Dean.”

That draws another laugh out of Dean as he disappears into his bedroom. “Whatever y’want, Cas. G’night!” He shuts the door behind him, marking the end of their short past-midnight conversation.

Castiel immediately rolls onto his stomach and presses his face into the pillow to hide his smile. Not only is Friday nothing more than a few days away, but Dean came home! Regardless of the reasons for it, he’s still spending the night _here_. He’s not out at some strangers home to share their bed. And that makes Castiel happier than he has any right being, but he really can’t help it.

At this point, nothing feels better than having Dean _home_.

*

The force of Dean dropping onto his half of the couch actually makes Castiel bounce in place slightly. Despite the relaxed atmosphere, he still can’t bring himself to actually _look_ at Dean while they both make themselves comfortable. In this case, that means Dean gets his pants open and Castiel very pointedly doesn’t watch him do it. He prefers taking his own time getting out of his pants when the need arises for it – or when Dean pushes his underwear down out of his own way. If Castiel does it before that, he just ends up feeling somewhat self-conscious.

“You ready for this?” Dean asks as he sits forward to grab the remote and the tissues from the table. He puts the box between them. “This one is a bit long, but I figure we just get ‘er done and then we can go ahead and watch Avatar. Sound good?”

Castiel nods and gestures at the TV. “Let’s do this.”

Now it’s a test of his will to see how long he can keep himself from thinking about Dean. Which means that he won’t be aroused much, if at all, until then. There’s no point in trying to convince himself that he _won’t_ think about Dean at some point. It’s going to happen eventually and it’s one of the few ways that he can actually enjoy the porn.

Surprisingly, Dean pushes his underwear and pants down his hips rather early on in the porno. Usually he takes his time and rubs himself through the front of his underwear. He’s done it practically every time and now he’s apparently decided to do _this._ It would just be weird if Castiel did the same, wouldn’t it? Most likely. It’s best that Castiel waits a little longer. Maybe he can take a page out of Dean’s book right now and be the one to rub himself.

It gets the blood flowing at least somewhat – with the great help of the soft sound of Dean stroking himself slowly. Castiel pushes his own clothing out of the way and bites his lip at the first touch of skin to skin. There isn’t much of it, but his pre-come at the moment does a wonderful job of slicking his hand enough for his own slow strokes. At least his attention is on the screen and he hasn’t felt the urge to try and peek at Dean just yet.

In fact, Castiel is rather distracted by what is happening in the porno. He’s seen plenty of blow jobs happen on screen over the last month, but there’s one thing that has bothered him about each and every one of them. It’s not that the one doing the sucking tends to practically gag on the dick, or gets extremely messy with it – some getting the point of where they actually try to _drool_ on it or something. That actually makes him a little squeamish, actually. But – watching one happens brings to mind one extremely annoying question.

“Are blowjobs actually enjoyable?” He stops stroking himself and frowns at the TV in concentration, doing his best to keep looking at it instead of looking to Dean. Looking at whomever he’s talking to is a habit that Castiel really shouldn’t give in to right now.

Going by the sounds and what he can see out of the corner of his eye, Dean stops moving too. In fact, Dean might even glance at him. He can’t be sure, but it makes his heart stutter in his chest because if Dean _looked_ at him, then he’s seen him and it just – Castiel takes a deep breath and forces himself to calm down. It’s nothing. There’s nothing to be nervous about. Nothing at all.

“Dude, you’re going to be twenty this year.” Dean’s voice is heavy with incredulity. “Are you trying to tell me that you’ve never had a blow job before?” Why does he sound so _scandalized_ by this?

He needs to see Dean’s face to properly gauge his reaction. Castiel glances at him, confirms that Dean does indeed look confused. Wonderful. With a shrug, he looks back to the screen  and crinkles his nose. The blow job has stopped and the woman in the video is now sitting on the counter of a kitchen. Her partner is kneeling in front of her and giving her some very enthusiastic cunnilingus. Castiel can’t help but wonder if that’s pleasurable to receive too. Is being the one to give it also fun, regardless if it’s a woman or a man on the receiving end?

“That’s a damn shame, Cas.” Dean sighs and there’s a rustle as he shakes his head. “Blow jobs are fucking _awesome_ to get and, frankly, they’re pretty fun to give too.” He pauses at the same time that Castiel can feel a blush climbing up the back of his neck and there’s a smile in Dean’s voice when he continues. “Some people aren’t all that into giving them, and some aren’t even into getting them. But I like it both ways – and I’m told I’m pretty good at it.”

Oh God, _what_? Castiel looks at Dean again before he’s even realized that he’s done it. Dean has given – well, of course he has. He openly admitted that he likes men too. It’s only logical that he would have – an image surfaces unbidden in Castiel’s mind of him and Dean in the kitchen, his back to the counter and Dean on his knees in front of him. The sounds from the porno replay in his head, but this time they’re being made by Dean’s mouth – Oh Lord have mercy, his _mouth_.

It takes Castiel a moment to realize that his eyes are focused on Dean’s lips. Suddenly his own mouth has run dry and it’s a struggle just to remember how to breathe. What he wouldn’t give for Dean to _want_ to do that for him – to kiss him and hold him close before moving down his body to settle between his legs and show him what is just so enjoyable about being the recipient of a blow job. What he wouldn’t give to be the one to do that _for_ Dean!

His imagination is spiraling out of control and his erection feels like it’s throbbing painfully under his hand. Thankfully, Dean starts speaking again. His voice is more than enough to shake Castiel from his fantasies and he comes crashing back to reality with the bitter guilt burning in his gut yet again. He did it again. _Damn it_. Castiel did it _again_.

“I don’t get it, Cas. You’re a good looking guy –” Confusion takes the place of the guilt. Dean thinks – he thinks he’s good looking? Well, of course he does. Why does Castiel have to remind himself every time that he Dean gave him his phone number? _Dean_ made a pass at _him_. That’s how they started talking in the first place.

“– don’t give me that look.” Dean shakes his head and looks back at the TV again, leaving Castiel wondering how he was looking at him. “You were fucking hot in high school and you know it.” That’s true. He is aware that many find him to be aesthetically pleasing. Gabriel never lets him forget it when he complains about how Castiel hasn’t been making use of his ‘ _talents_ ’ – if good genetics can even be called that.

“I just don’t understand how no one hopped that train like it was the last one in the station.”

Maybe because no one actually _liked_ him? Or that Castiel didn’t exactly like anyone else? Or any number of other reasons that live Castiel with an unhappy taste stinging the back of his throat. The majority of his school memories are not ones he is overly fond of. It wasn’t until the last few months of his final school year where he actually _had_ friends and was _happy_. The rest were lonely and he had zero desire to be sexually active with anyone.

Damn. Now he’s been reminded about things that make him unhappy _and_ he still feels guilty for having such a vivid fantasy about Dean giving him a blow job. And this had been going so nicely too. Just like every Friday. He’s so wrapped up in his own thoughts and glaring down at his knees, that Castiel barely hears Dean speak.

“It’s a fucking shame, Cas.” There’s another sigh and another head shake. It sounds like Dean is _pitying_ Castiel for never having anyone fellate him and that only irritates Castiel further. “Your –”

No. He doesn’t want to hear it. He doesn’t want to hear how _weird_ he is for not seeking that out with his classmates. He doesn’t want to hear that it’s not right that he never showed sexual attraction to anyone before, regardless of whether or not Dean knows that’s actually the reason he’s never had one. At this point, it even sounds like Dean thinks that he’s not a virgin. Would he pity him for that too?

Castiel’s irritation snaps and with it comes an interruption that he absolutely did not _think_ about prior to saying the actual words. “If it’s such a damn _shame_ , why don’t _you_ do it?”

Once the words filter into understanding, he is horrified by them. “I’m sorry, that was – that was uncalled for.” More than that, even. He just told Dean that he should basically – that he should – Oh God. “I just – I’m sorry, but I don’t understand the preoccupation with sex in high school.” Maybe if he explains himself, Dean will understand and he won’t be mad for Castiel’s outburst. “I –”

But then Dean starts moving. He’s tucking himself back into his underwear with a determined set to his jaw. It’s the kind of look that terrifies Castiel. “What are you doing?”

Dean’s answer is to put his foot on the edge of the coffee table and _shove it_. The table ends up right against the shelving unit sitting underneath the TV. Castiel continues staring at him, mouth open because there is no such thing as decorum at the moment – and especially because Dean has stood up. He turns and steps in front of Castiel, effectively making his heart _stop_.

“You said to do it myself, so I am.” With a shrug, he drops to his knees.

If Castiel wasn’t breathing quickly before, he’s definitely on the verge of hyperventilating now. He can’t think of a single thing to say or do. It’s by pure self-preservation instincts that Castiel can even swallow around the nervous lump in his throat. This can’t be happening. This can’t be real. This is – this is inconceivable. He’s dreamed about it but he never thought he would actually be _here_ with Dean’s hands resting gently on his knees.

His legs fall apart without his permission and it’s not even something that Castiel was certain he would allow or not. He can’t even feel his heart anymore. This is happening and he feels like he’s boiling in his skin from the light hands on his knees and the curious look Dean gives him. It’s all soft-eyed understanding and a heat in them that knocks the breath out of Castiel’s lungs.

A chill races through him when Dean squeezes his knees. “You know how it goes, Cas. I’m not ever going to do anything you’re not comfortable with. If you want me to stop, just tell me and I will.”

Of course Castiel has control. He could stop this whenever he wanted. But the question is – _does_ he want to? Aside from Gabriel, Castiel has never had a closer relationship with another person before. Dean is his best friend. Everything he does is amazing – from how he can rebuild a car on his own to how he’s been working tirelessly to support him and his little brother since before he was even legally an adult. Dean is everything that Castiel wants, but he doesn’t _have_ him.

Can he really do this knowing that Dean is only doing this because – because why? Because of what Castiel said? Or is he doing this because he wants to? Well, clearly he wants to. Dean wouldn’t be kneeling between his legs right now if he didn’t want to be there. His hands slide up to Castiel’s thighs, but they stay there with his thumbs rubbing circles that send all forms of tingling shivers racing under Castiel’s skin.

The way that Dean is looking at him now, it’s just – it would be _so_ easy to believe that Dean _does_ want more from him than just something physical. That’s a fond look if ever he saw one and it’s making Castiel’s heart melt into a puddle of goo. God, yes, he wants this. But – but at the same time, can he live with himself if he says ‘ _yes_ ’? Castiel is certain that if he says ‘ _no_ ’, he’ll lose the only opportunity he’ll ever have to actually be with Dean like this. What are the chances that it will ever happen again? Never. That’s the answer. _Never_.

What if he doesn’t feel like this for anyone else again in his lifetime? What if he’s never actually attracted to anyone else? That’s a terrifying thought and Castiel’s stomach twists at it. There are certain experiences he _does_ want in life – though he’ll still be plenty happy if they never happen. But he doesn’t want to be alone. At some point, Castiel does hope to find someone he could spend the rest of his life with – regardless of whether or not they have sexual appetite. If they’re completely asexual, he would understand and be fine with that.

But – but _Dean_ isn’t asexual. He’s likely a bisexual , actually, and he’s a rather sexual person. Dean is also on his knees offering almost exactly what Castiel was imagining not more than a moment ago. The only difference is there won’t be kissing, they won’t be holding each other before or afterwards, and they’ll be doing this as nothing more than friends. And is that acceptable? Does Castiel want to share his first experience with this with Dean so badly that he’s willing to sacrifice the romantic aspect he craves?

The lump is still in his throat and Castiel swallows around it again. If he ignores that part, he knows that he wants this and he wants to be with Dean. Castiel wants to share with Dean what he’s shared with so many others. At least in this difference, he and Dean aren’t strangers. They’re good friends. Best of friends. He’s the first best friend that Castiel has ever had. If it’s normal for friends to masturbate in the same room, is it normal for them to evolve to this too?

Dean is still waiting for his answer and Castiel thinks he has one now. He wants this. And if it becomes too much, he can stop it. That’s the power that was given to him here. The next breath he takes feels like his first and it rattles in his throat. Speaking is well beyond him right now and all he can manage to get across his decision is a small nod. The smile he gets in response almost looks relieved, and Castiel isn’t sure if he’ll ever be able to breathe again.

When Dean’s eyes drop to his lap, he becomes painfully aware that his erection is still very much out and that his hand is currently wrapped around it. He takes a small, sharp breath when Dean touches his wrist lightly. Castiel’s dick feels cold when he lets his hand drop to the couch, but he immediately forgets about that. Dean leans closer and a ghost of a breath washes over the exposed skin. So close – he’s so close and there’s a fire inside Castiel that feels like it’s going to erupt before anything even happens.

The only thing that makes him look away from how ridiculously close Dean’s lips are to his dick is Dean’s hands. They slide up Castiel’s legs to curl over his hips. Before Castiel can wonder what Dean is doing, his hips are quite masterfully tugged lower down the couch. A surprised gasp is forced from him and Castiel slumps back against the couch even more, eyes locked with Dean when he looks back up at him again. There are so many things he’s imagined Dean saying if they ever ended up in this position. What he says next is not what he was expecting.

“Are you clean?”

Is he – what? Clean? He showered just before they sat down for this. Of course he’s – _oh_. That’s not what Dean means, is it? He’s probably asking if Castiel has any sexually transmitted diseases that he should be aware of. Well, he’s never been sexually active before, so he’s almost certain that he doesn’t have anything. He nods and Dean’s smile turns from happy to delighted, and then it’s gone as he ducks his head and presses a kiss to the base of Castiel’s erection. The kiss becomes a little lick and Castiel loses every cognitive function that he has as Dean starts to stroke him with one hand.

His lips and tongue are wet and warm and _perfect_ as they move over him. Dean’s tongue curls under and around his balls and every curious suck he gives them pulls noises from Castiel that he wasn’t even aware he could actually make. He has to fist his hands on the cushions to keep them there as they. They keep twitching with the urge to bury his fingers in Dean’s hair, but he can’t touch. He can’t. If he touches, only God knows what will happen after that.

Whimpers force their way out of him when Dean flicks his tongue to the very head of his erection. He tries to hold back the sounds, but it becomes an impossible task because Dean is _watching him_. Those too-green eyes are focused on him, watching every twitch and drinking in every sound Castiel makes. He can’t look away either, enraptured by everything. If only he had a camera in his hands right now. He would _love_ to photograph just how beautiful Dean looks in this moment.

A tremor runs through Castiel every time Dean meets his eyes. Being under the full force of that gaze makes his insides squirm and has him burning up under his collar. He’s barely getting enough air and he’s half convinced that if Dean kisses him, he could breathe for him. God, that’s what he wants. A kiss. He’d trade this for a kiss in a heartbeat. But that would be asking for too much and Castiel needs to keep himself satisfied with this and this alone.

And then Dean moves the hand that has thus far been resting on Castiel’s hip. It disappears out of view, but the rustling of clothing is all he needs to know that Dean is taking himself out of his underwear again. Is he actually aroused by giving this? Does he get pleasure out of giving pleasure? Does he really – oh sweet _God_.

An unexpected cry is ripped from his throat as Dean wraps his lips around him and proceeds to take every inch of Castiel’s erection into his mouth. He sinks down so far that Castiel can actually _feel_ Dean’s nose press against his belly. Any control he had over his body up until that point was an illusion and Castiel’s hips almost lift from the couch without his approval. It’s a miracle that he grabs at the couch cushions instead of sinking his fingers into Dean’s hair or clutching at his shoulders.

He’s – oh God, what is he doing with his throat? Is he – Castiel’s mind shuts off and the questions stop as he’s pushed beyond the ability to actually _think_. He squirms and gasps and outright _whines_ as Dean starts bobbing his head. It’s impossible to keep watching him anymore. The tight heat of Dean’s mouth is more than Castiel can handle and he knows he’s not going to last long. Every fiber of his being is begging him to get closer – to _move_ in some capacity, and preferably against Dean.

It’s an honest to goodness battle with himself to stay in place. He can’t move. He can’t ruin this nearly perfect moment by doing something that Dean might not want – and he’s certainly not capable of asking Dean if he would be interested in doing what his body is begging of him; physically and mentally. Blasphemies are running through his head, but nothing but nonsensical moans leave his lips. Good. If Castiel is going to ever call anyone’s name, he wants it to be the name of his partner. He’s just not actually able to form proper words right now. Even less so when Dean lifts his head and take that sweet warmth of his mouth away.

With a disappointed groan, Castiel forces himself to look back down at Dean. The only thing that he’s capable of doing at the moment is to give Dean a pleading look to continue. Castiel is so close –so very close. His orgasm is just around the corner and he’s never wanted to come this badly before. This is better than when he fingered himself earlier this week. This is better than any time he’s ever masturbated and it’s all because it’s _Dean_ giving him this pleasure.

Castiel whines when Dean’s fingers  curl around his wrist. Half-formed questions fill his mind as Dean lifts his hand. They’re all answered seconds later when Dean moves his hand to rest against the top of his head. _Oh_. He _wants_ Castiel to hold his hair. Well that is just about one of the best things Castiel has heard all day. Short of the current situation, that is. He brings his other hand to join the first and curls his fingers in Dean’s hair, reveling in how soft it feels.

When Dean puts his mouth around him again, Castiel’s grip tightens. He’s absolutely horrified as he realizes that he just _tugged_ Dean’s hair. That can’t have been comfortable for him and Castiel fully expects a reprimand for it. Instead, he gets one of the best things he’s ever felt. A pleased _moan_ rumbles in Dean’s throat and it vibrates right through Castiel’s erection and up his spine. Does – does Dean actually _like_ having his hair pulled a little? He does it again, just to test his theory – and sure enough, Dean moans again.

A thrill races through him as Castiel comes to the conclusion that Dean is actually enjoying this. He’s getting pleasure out of giving a blow job and having his hair pulled and that is quite possibly the greatest thing ever. It only fuels the inferno inside of him and Castiel careens towards his orgasm without any form of restraint. He can’t even function enough to tell Dean that he’s close to coming. But somehow Dean seems to know – he draws back until only the head of Castiel’s dick is in his mouth and _sucks_.

If he set out to make Castiel cry out again, then Dean has most definitely succeeded. Bright lights dance behind his eyelids as his orgasm is practically forced out of him. He can’t even wrap his head around the fact that Dean is actually _swallowing_ his ejaculate. It’s just happening and Castiel is half convinced that he’s only feeling this good because he’s actually dying. Dean has killed him and that’s the only reason why Castiel is sags to the couch after he’s spent. It’s the reason why he can barely breathe and he can’t look at anything but Dean while he sits back and licks his lips. Clearly Dean is a vampire and he just sucked the life out of him.

Hopefully it isn’t Castiel’s hazy imagination, but he’s fairly certain that Dean is looking at him _fondly_. There’s pride in there too, but he just seems overly _happy_ right now. Castiel likes that look on him. When his ability to think in full sentences returns, it brings with him the idea that he could make Dean look happier. What if _he_ gave back when Dean just gave him? Could he do it? Of course it won’t be anywhere near as good as what Dean gave him, but Castiel wants to try. He wants to make Dean feel as good as he does right now.

God, yes. He wants that.

“I want to –” Castiel’s voice cracks slightly as he uses it to make proper words for the first time in what feels like forever. “I want to try.” He meets Dean’s gaze and he hopes – God, but he _hopes_ – that Dean will accept his offer.

His request appears to have caught Dean off guard. All he does is stare at Castiel with an open mouth. But that look doesn’t last for very long. A smile spreads across his face and he all but jumps to his feet. As he sits back in his spot on the couch, Castiel slides off to his knees and situates himself between Dean’s legs. And immediately he finds himself staring down at Dean’s very obvious erection. This is the first that he’s actually _seeing_ it and – and – and Castiel has no idea what he should do now.

Should he use his mouth right away or should he tease Dean with his hands? His brain is still rather hazy at the moment and he can’t completely remember what it was that Dean did for him. It’s a blur of _oh-my-God-that-feels-amazing_. Okay – he feels ridiculous just sitting here. He needs to do _something_. The only experience that he has with touching a dick is his own and he’s only ever stroked it. That seems like a good place to start, isn’t it?

It feels like his whole arm goes numb when he touches Dean’s erection. His skin is so warm and the pre-come he smears across it isn’t nearly as slippery as the lube, but it’s still so very _different_. Castiel glances up to make sure that Dean likes what he’s doing – and it is the best thing that he’s ever done. Dean’s bottom lip is caught between his teeth and his skin is flushed so nicely. His urge to photograph it keeps climbing and he has to ignore it.

He turns his attention back to what he should be doing – which is giving Dean a blow job. Simply stroking him won’t cut it. There’s much more to it and Castiel tries to focus on that instead of getting swept up in the mere fact that he is _touching Dean_.Now… what did Dean do for him next? Obviously he took Castiel in his mouth, but there was more. He did things, right? But _what_? God, he can’t remember. Not only did Dean kill him, but he apparently stole his memories.

Well, okay. He’ll just – Castiel will just have to play this by ear then. Of what Dean did, all he can really remember is that he took all of him in the first go. That shouldn’t be _too_ hard, right? Dean appears to be roughly the same size as his own and Castiel things he should be able to take that. Maybe. The only way to know is to try.

The moment his tongue touches Dean’s erection, Castiel forces his brain to shut off. He doesn’t want to spend this moment analyzing taste and texture. That can be done when he’s alone with his thoughts later. Right now he just wants to stay focused on pleasuring Dean and bringing him to orgasm. At least the somewhat tangy and slightly salty taste of his skin isn’t bad. In fact, Castiel might actually come to like it if he got to taste it often enough. Not that he expects this to happen again or anything.

His first attempt to take all of Dean’s erection into his mouth does not go as planned. In fact, it almost chokes him and, just like the people in the porn videos, Castiel gags. He pulls back sharply and frowns at his failure. One more try. If he can’t take it all again, then he’ll give up and keep to sucking what he _can_ fit in his mouth. And of course that is exactly what Castiel ends up having to do.

Regardless, Dean seems plenty happy with only having half of his dick in Castiel’s mouth. He looks very happy with it every time that Castiel glances up through his lashes to check on him and make sure that he’s doing things properly. Seeing Dean look so lost in sensation has Castiel’s heart skipping several beats. This is because of _him_. He’s the one making Dean look like that and it’s a heady feeling that goes right to Castiel’s head.

Would this be better if Dean was gripping his hair? He’s almost tempted to ask, but then Dean’s hips start twitching slightly. “Cas – _Cas_ – I’m gonna –”

Delighted, Castiel sits back to lick at the head of Dean’s dick while he strokes him quickly, using any little tricks that he knows works for him. He’s going to make Dean orgasm! Castiel is so excited for it that he wants to see this first hand and he can’t quite do that with an erection in his mouth. Besides, he isn’t exactly ready to have anyone – Dean included – come in his mouth. That requires a little more mental preparation than what he has right now.

Castiel’s heart almost stops when Dean suddenly grabs his hair. It’s a tight grip that makes him wince, and then Castiel squeezes his eyes closed. He doesn’t need to ask to know why Dean just did that. There’s only one thing that could happen right now and Castiel is fully expecting it as Dean ends up coming _on his face_. Well, at least it’s better than in his mouth. But now there’s a mess on Castiel’s lips and his chin and he has no idea what to do about it.

Before he can say or do anything, Dean’s grip moves to the back of his neck and pulls. Castiel has to brace his hands on Dean’s thighs to keep himself upright. “Shit, Cas, sorry – I’m sorry.”

Dean continues, apologizing in between little licks as he cleans Castiel’s face _with his tongue_. He licks away the mess his chin and moves on to tracing his lips with the tip of his tongue, making Castiel’s grip on his thighs tighten. This is the closest thing they’re ever going to get to a kiss and it’s taking everything in Castiel’s power not to wrap his arms around Dean’s shoulders and try kissing him _properly_. That would be asking for too much and he can barely function right now as it is.

When Dean finally pulls back, apparently satisfied with his cleaning job, Castiel’s has devolved to shallow breaths. All he can think about now is actually _kissing_ Dean. But this is as close as he’ll ever get and _God_ , but he can still feel Dean’s tongue touching his lips. They were _so close_. If only he had opened his mouth and maybe touched his tongue to Dean’s – that could have gotten the message across, right? They could have actually kissed then. _If only._

The only thing that breaks Castiel out of whatever trance he apparently descended into is Dean’s hand. It’s like a brand on his skin when he moves it from the back of Castiel’s neck to the side of it. Having Dean clear his throat a moment later probably helps a bit too. His hand falls away as he sits back and Castiel glances down just in time to watch Dean tuck himself away and do up his pants again.

“See?” Dean gives him a lopsided grin once he’s done. “What did I tell you? Awesome, right?”

Castiel blinks slowly as he processes the question. He sits back on his heels and looks down at his lap while he thinks. Oh, he never pulled up his pants. Lovely. When he stands, he pulls his pants up too. There, that’s better. Now – Dean’s question. Was this awesome? He touches his lips and contemplates this whole situation for a moment. The orgasm was certainly wonderful, and he got to bring Dean to one of his own. But he still sacrificed some of his most important ideals to have this moment with him.

“Yes, that was…” He drops his hand and nods, giving Dean a small smile. “Awesome.” But the urge to be alone keeps growing, swelling like a panic in his chest, and there’s only one safe place to do that right now. “I call dibs on the shower.” It doesn’t matter that he had one less than two hours ago. The water will help him focus and _think_.

He doesn’t wait for Dean to say anything in response. Castiel turns on his heel and leaves as quickly as he can without looking like he’s running away. Of course he’s not _really_ running away. He just – Castiel needs space right now. He needs time to think and the best place to do that is the shower. That said, the moment he’s safe being locked doors and has the water running, Castiel squats in the tub and hugs his knees to chest, hiding his face against them.

Now that he’s out of earshot and Dean’s line of sight, Castiel is dangerously close to hyperventilating. He’s not entirely sure _why_ he’s on the verge of freaking out, but he’s definitely teetering on that edge. How can he even begin to understand what just happened? Honest – _how_? One minute he was preparing to masturbate next to Dean like it’s become the norm for them over the last month. Then in the next minute Dean was giving him a _blow job_ and then Castiel was apparently so high on endorphins that it seemed like the best idea ever to turn around and return the favour and – and – and –

And Castiel _had Dean’s dick in his mouth_.

A lump rises in his throat and Castiel touches his lips. If he concentrates hard enough, he can still taste the tang of Dean’s pre-come and feel the weight of him on his tongue. God, but Castiel can still feel the wet swipe of his tongue across his lips when Dean _licked his come off his face_. Oh God. _God_. So many things happened. Too many things. And so many questions! Does it count as a kiss to have Dean’s tongue touch his lips? Did they _kiss_? Oh no. If that was his first kiss, then that means Castiel barely got to participate in it and it’s _nothing_ like he had hoped it would be.

But if it does count as a kiss, there is at least one good thing that could be drawn from it. Castiel has dreamed of having his first kiss with Dean since he realized his feelings for him, and now he’s had it. Dean had his first kiss. That means that this is supposed to be a dream come true. So then why does Castiel feel like he’s caught in a nightmare right now? The answer is obvious, but Castiel doesn’t want to accept it. He doesn’t want to accept that even though Dean is his very best of friends, Dean doesn’t love him – not like how Castiel wants him to.

His body is satisfied with this evening, but his heart aches behind his ribs. The shower might be able to wash away the sweat and all other evidence of what happened tonight, but it won’t be able to wash away this pain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warnings: ___
>
>> \- anal fingering  
>  \- masturbation  
>  \- blow job(s)
> 
> [NSFW art for one of these scenes](http://riseofthefallenone.tumblr.com/post/112152579733/pappcavecommission-for-riseofthefallenone-from-a) by [Pappcave](http://pappcave.tumblr.com)  
> 


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With a deep breath, Castiel straightens his shoulders. He’s made his decision and he can only hope that he won’t end up actually regretting it. “Can we do it again?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter content warnings are at the end of chapter. Please click the link below to see them.**
> 
> This chapter takes place during [Chapter Four](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3991384) of the A Little Patience storyline.

Castiel had tried to sleep, but he’s not sure he actually did. Aside from the obvious reasons that kept him in the shower until the water ran cold, he was also plagued with various worries about why Dean wasn’t in the living room when he finally came out of the bathroom last night. While Castiel had been trying to calm down, Dean had apparently gone to his bedroom. It didn’t seem so odd since he had done the same the first time they masturbated in the same room together so he could change and Castiel hadn’t thought anything of it at first.

But that’s where the similarities between this week and their porn night ended. Dean never came out of his bedroom last night, even though Castiel waited on the couch for him to return so they could continue with their plans and watch a movie. After what they did, Castiel had wanted that semblance of normalcy again and now that he never got it, he doesn’t know what to do. The world has shifted – their friendship has changed – and he doesn’t know how or what he should do about it. That’s of little surprise, considering how he doesn’t even know what to make of his own thoughts regarding what happened last night.

Now Castiel is worried beyond all possible reason that something he did last night upset Dean in some way. Did he insult him by running to the washroom again? Or did Dean hide out in his bedroom because he regrets that he – that _they_ – Oh God. Castiel can’t even bring himself to think about what they did without feeling like his entire face is heating up again. It certainly isn’t helped by the fact that he has an impeccable memory. And it most definitely isn’t a good thing that he mind finds it entirely necessary to remind him – in startling detail, nonetheless – exactly how Dean looks when his lips are –

 _No_. He’ll stop that thought process right now before it has time to generate the previously mentioned images. If he’s not careful, he’ll end up needing to take a shower before Dean and Sam get up – just so he can deal with the results of his memories. And, honestly, Castiel really doesn’t want to do that. As fired up as his libido has become, he doesn’t want to use what happened between them as fodder for even more fantasies.

It’s not that Castiel regrets the blow jobs – far from it, actually. Or, at least, he doesn’t regret it in the way that he thought he would. At first he thought that he would regret that he did it at all and that it should never have happened, but he just can’t bring himself to feel like that. Castiel is _happy_ that they shared such an intimate moment, and he wouldn’t trade those memories for the world. What’s eating away at him inside is that they did it without Dean being aware of Castiel’s feelings for him. If Dean had known – well, maybe that would have affected his decision to do it.

Of course Castiel would _love_ to know for certain whether or not Dean would have done that while stilling knowing his feelings for him. But he would have loved it more if he knew that Dean did it while _sharing_ in those feelings. Having done it without Dean knowing about his feelings feels like – like he stole this experience, or like he took advantage of Dean somehow. Even though Dean was the one who instigated it, more or less, he didn’t know that this was the first time that anyone has ever touched Castiel. And he certainly didn’t know that Castiel wanted – _wants_ more from him than just that.

Dean doesn’t know that Castiel wants him in every sense of the word.

Groaning, Castiel rolls over onto his belly and pulls his pillow over his head. Maybe he can get away with not doing anything today. He could just stay in bed and never leave it again. It _is_ Saturday, after all. Oh wait, no. That’s not possible. He has Taekwondo today. _And_ he volunteered to help with the morning class too. Which means he _needs_ to get up and get ready, and soon. Gabriel won’t be able to pick him up today, and Dean has to work, which means that Castiel has to take the bus today. Or he could take a cab. Yes, that sounds like a good plan.

With another groan, Castiel drags himself out of bed and checks his phone. His alarm went off a short while ago, but he still has plenty of time to get ready. Although, Dean’s alarm should have gone off by now, shouldn’t it have? Castiel can’t remember if he heard it through the wall, and he’s fairly certain that he hasn’t heard any movement in Dean’s bedroom so far this morning.

Would it be weird of him to knock and check to make sure that Dean is awake? Normally it wouldn’t be, but Castiel isn’t sure if Dean might be avoiding him. Hopefully he isn’t. Sam should be up soon too. He has his own plans today. Maybe it would be fine to leave it to Sam to deal with Dean? Sam is usually very good at making sure that Dean is out the door on time for his shifts. Sam is very punctual and sometimes Dean is – but sometimes, when he’s been out drinking or he’s upset about something, his scheduling can be a little… _off_.

Okay, new plan. Castiel is going to call to arrange for a taxi to be here within thirty minutes. Then he’s going to go to the bathroom to change and freshen up. Hopefully Sam and Dean won’t need it in that time period. If they do, he’ll let them have it. If neither one of them is awake by the time he’s done with that, then he’ll wake Dean – because Castiel _knows_ that he has a shift this morning and that they should be leaving at roughly the same time if Dean doesn’t want to be late for work.

While he’s on the phone with the taxi company, Castiel picks out his clothing for the day. It doesn’t need to be anything fancy, since he’ll be changing into his dobok at the dojang. He ends up with a clean pair of underwear, a pair of jeans, an undershirt, and a dress shirt that he’ll wear with the cuffs rolled up his forearms and the first few buttons undone. That should be acceptable. Anything less would risk showing the wing tips that nearly reach his elbows. And since it’s a dark coloured shirt, he doesn’t risk having the wings show through the fabric.

Castiel is fully changed and almost done with his morning routine when he hears a door across the hall open. He pauses with shaving his last cheek, waiting to see who it is. Judging by how the footsteps lead away, he’s not entirely sure. At this point, it could be Dean or it could be Sam. It’s not that big of a deal and Castiel continues with shaving.

Thankfully, he’s done shaving by the time Sam starts banging on Dean’s door a few minutes later. With how much it makes him jump, he likely would have cut himself in the process. “Dean!” Sam calls out loud enough to be heard over the sound of the running water in the sink. “C’mon, Dean, you’re going to be late if you don’t get up now!”

And that means Dean will need the bathroom immediately. Castiel washes his face clean and applies his aftershave in record time. He gathers his clothes and is out the door and down the hall in just the right amount of time needed to nearly walk right into Dean as he comes out of his bedroom. They both stop short of actually bumping into one another, but anything resembling words drops right out of Castiel’s head. He can only stare at Dean and hate the blush he can feel burning under his skin.

To his great surprise, there’s a flush to Dean’s cheeks too. He averts his eyes and mumbles an apology before taking a step back into his bedroom to allow Castiel to pass. Proper manners has an answering apology finding its way past his lips before he’s even managed to find his words again. Castiel ducks his head and slips by to make his bed and fold his pajamas. There’s the smell of bacon and eggs in the air and Sam is in the kitchen cooking it up. He must have gotten that started before waking Dean.

It only takes a moment to flip his blanket into place and straighten it. He’s just finishing with his pajamas when Dean transfers from the bathroom back to his bedroom. Shortly after, Castiel’s phone rings. Ah, apparently the taxi is here.

“You leaving?” Sam pokes his head out of the kitchen while Castiel is pulling on his coat.

“Yes. I have training.” He crouches to tie the laces on his runners. They go better with his jeans than his other shoes. Plus, they’re more comfortable. “I’ll be back this afternoon.”

“I made you a breakfast sandwich.” Sam holds out a plastic wrapped sandwich. “It’s just bacon and eggs. I put pepper on it, like how you like it.”

Castiel is touched by the gesture and he takes it with a grateful smile. “Thank you. Oh, should I take the shopping list? I can stop and do the shopping on my way home.”

“If you want. But Dean’s going to want to pay you back. There’s no grocery gifts in this household.” He gives Castiel a cheeky grin and fetches the list from the door of the fridge. “Now hopefully he checks the counter before he leaves because I made him a sandwich too and I’ll be leaving as soon as I’ve made myself pretty.”

And on that, Sam hands the list over and almost runs for the bathroom. Is he running late too? Castiel stuffs the list in his pocket and he’s about to leave when the two sandwiches on the counter catches his eye. Only one is plastic wrapped and the other is half eaten. It’s easy to tell which one belongs to Dean, but that’s only his breakfast. What will he have for lunch? He shouldn’t have to buy something to eat when they have plenty of food here.

The idea unfolds in Castiel’s mind and he acts upon it immediately. There are paper bags in one of the kitchen drawers and he writes Dean’s name on one of them. He puts a bowl and a spoon in it and spends a few seconds picking a can of soup from the cupboard before added it to the bag. As a last thought, he puts the sandwich in there too and folds the bag closed. Hopefully Dean will notice it before he leaves.

It’s nearly ten minutes and several blocks away in the cab before Castiel’s phone pings in his pocket. **_Thanks for lunch :)_**

Castiel can barely contain his smile. A message from Dean is a step in the right direction from feeling like _normal_ again. **_You can thank Sam for the sandwich. I solemnly swear that I did assist and nothing was burned in the process of making it._**

Hopefully that will make Dean laugh. If he laughs, that’s yet another step towards things being back to normal between them. It would be nice to not blush every single time that he looks at Dean – because he knows without a doubt that’s what will happen for at least today, if not tomorrow and the day after. It would be nice not to worry and obsess and think about nothing but what happened last night between them.

If he’s lucky, Taekwondo will be enough to keep him from thinking back to the blow jobs from last night and how much he wishes that he’d been given a _proper_ kiss – with all the feelings behind it that he wants more than anything else.

*

Things aren’t normal. They might never _be_ normal again. And Castiel is fairly certain that he hates it. The only problem is that he can’t figure out _what_ has changed. He stopped blushing when he looked at Dean after the second day, and they’ve been conversing just fine whenever they talk to one another. But somehow things still feel – they feel not _right_. Castiel can’t put his finger on it, but he knows something has changed for them.

He sighs and rubs his hand over his face to try and shake off those thoughts. Right now his thoughts should be on studying for his upcoming exams. They should _not_ be focused on thinking about his relationship with Dean and how it’s changed in some way. He doesn’t have the first clue how he’s managed to make it all the way to _Wednesday_ with this eating away at him, but at least he’s managed to get _some_ studying in this week.

Sam and Jess have taken over the couch and coffee table with their own studying materials and Castiel has laid claim to the entire kitchen table. At least they’re sharing in the music and none of them are afraid of leaning back to ask questions to each other. Castiel is also plenty happy with sharing his studying materials with them – such as his flash cards, highlighters, and portable printer that they’re both connected to for printing labels or notes. They are all _extremely_ prepared, and Castiel would be surprised if any of them got less than top tier marks on their exams.

Castiel is so focused on keeping himself from thinking about Dean and staying on his studies that he doesn’t even notice when his phone vibrates next to him. His head is too full of equations and trying not to think about Dean that he almost doesn’t even hear when Sam calls out to him from the living room.

“Hey! Earth to Doctor Collins. Come in Doctor Collins.” A crumpled up ball of paper bounces off Castiel’s shoulder and he finally looks up. “There we go. You were seriously studying that hard?”

He shrugs and lays his highlighter in line with the last equation he had been memorizing – and transcribing to his laptop for label printing. “I was in the zone.”

“The zone must not get a signal.” Sam grins at his joke and Jess muffles a laugh before she shoves his shoulder because of it. He shrugs it off with a laugh of his own. “Did you get Dean’s text?”

His heart skips a beat and Castiel starts flipping up papers and textbook edges to find his phone. Of course it’s not actually hidden under anything, but he can’t exactly remember where he left it last. Sure enough, the notification light is blinking. As soon as he unlocks his phone, it feels like his blood turns to ice and his stomach drops through the floor.

 ** _Going out with friends after work dunno if i'll b back 2nite don’t wait up_** And this terrible message is ended with a winking emoticon.

A lump lodges itself in Castiel’s throat and he deletes the message, if only because he doesn’t want to see it again when he unlocks his phone again at any other point. It has done nothing but upset him now and Castiel tries not to frown at it _too_ much. Otherwise, Sam and Jess will know that something is wrong and he doesn’t want them to think that this is something that would upset him. By any _normal_ logic, Dean spending the night out shouldn’t make him feel this unhappy and that might give Jess and Sam something to worry about.

Castiel puts his phone aside and picks up his highlighter again. “I’ll make sure to leave the chain off the door in case he comes home tonight.” And he can only hope that he does.

If Dean stays out again – Castiel doesn’t know what he’ll do. Well, obviously he’s not going to do anything, but he’ll definitely be troubled by it – even though he has no right to be. Just because they gave each other blow jobs doesn’t mean that Dean is _his_. It gives Castiel absolutely no claim over him – no matter how much he wishes that it did. If only it meant that Dean would come to _him_ instead of going out and sleeping with strangers and – and – and is that something Castiel would actually _want_?

That’s an interesting thought. What if _he_ made himself available to Dean for that? No, he can’t do that. It would be – it’s not something that he can do, right? Dean doesn’t care for him like Castiel wants him to and it just wouldn’t be right to use his body like that. He would – that would – No. Just _no_. Castiel should be ashamed for even thinking such a thing.

Oh, look at that. Once again, Castiel is distracted from studying. This is ridiculous. If he’s not thinking about how awkward things have felt, then he’s reliving what they did, or he’s thinking about the things they _could_ do if they continued doing those kinds of things, or he’s thinking about what they could become – and that’s about when the fantasies start to get out of hand and he has to actually struggle to return to reality. Maybe things would be easier if Castiel had actually sat down and talked with Dean at some point about what they did and what it means – but he hasn’t and they haven’t and they might never end up doing that.

And yet again he’s distracted. Exams are fast approaching and Castiel doesn’t have the time to waste thinking about what will likely never be.  Honestly, this was probably the _worst_ time for this – this – this whatever it is to happen between him and Dean.  For as hard as Castiel has tried _not_ to think about it (and failed spectacularly), he’s just barely been able to accept that he not only enjoyed it but that he can live with having done it knowing that Dean doesn’t share his feelings.

At least Castiel can satisfy himself with knowing that he made Dean feel good. For those few minutes, he got to make Dean happy. _He_ gave Dean pleasure, brought him to orgasm, and _that_ was the best, most truly wonderful experience. Castiel’s favourite thing about what they did was how Dean looked at him and the way _he_ managed to affect him. It was more than he ever thought that he’d get to have with Dean and he should be happy with that. He _is_ , of course, but he wants more than he doubts he’ll actually be allowed.

Castiel sincerely doubts that what happened last week won’t happen again. It doesn’t change how he’s still looking forward to Friday, though. At least then he’ll have a chance to speak to Dean in private about what happened. Maybe they can work things out and bring back the _normal_ feeling between them that Castiel both craves and hates. Even if they never get it back, he at least wants to be able to find a new status quo for them where he doesn’t feel this dissonance in their relationship.

Okay, that’s what he can do. If he can be patient enough and wait until Friday, then Castiel can have his conversation and watch a movie with his best friend. But he should raise the stakes a little to make sure that he studies too. He takes a sticky note and finds a place in his notes several pages in, placing it there. If he doesn’t study up to there by Friday evening, then he won’t allow himself to have his usual movie date with Dean. This could quite possibly be the best motivator he’s ever thought of for himself. Not to mention that this could actually do wonders with keeping him from thinking about what Dean will be doing tonight – hopefully.

“Hey, Cas?” Jess taps him on the back of his head, drawing him out of his thoughts again. “We’re getting hungry. What about you?”

“I could stand to eat.” Castiel turns around and forces a smile, even if his current mindset doesn’t much make him feel like doing so. “We don’t have much that doesn’t require much preparation. Would you like to order out?”

She looks thoughtful for a moment before glancing at Sam. “What’s our take out budget looking at for this week, babe?”

Sam tilts his head back against the couch and stares at the ceiling while he thinks. “I’m pretty sure we’ve got enough left that we can split a pizza. We could save on delivery if we walked to that one place a few streets over.”

“That sounds fine to me.” Castiel nods as Jess gets the menu off the fridge. “I think it would be good for us to take a break and stretch our legs for a bit.”

And maybe the fresh air can help clear his mind a little. The conversations that he’s sure to have with Jess and Sam while they walk will certainly do wonders for that. He’s never _not_ enjoyed his time with them, after all.

*

Their dinner is sitting warm in his belly and Castiel is extremely content with this moment. He had good food and he’s in good company and it really can’t get better than that. Except, of course, that today is Friday and in just a few moments he’ll be alone with Dean in the apartment. As soon as they finished eating, Sam got up to get his backpack and put on his shoes. Once he’s left, it’s supposed to be their movie night and Castiel isn’t sure whether or not they’ll watch porn again.

“Alright, guys. I’m heading out.” Sam leans around the corner while Castiel gathers the last of the dishes from the table. “I’m going to stay at Jess’s tonight and I’ll be back tomorrow for grocery shopping. Don’t go without me because you _always_ forget the vegetables.”

“There’s a difference between forgetting and not caring, Sam.” Dean calls over his shoulder with a grin. “Go on and get outta here before you’re late for practice. We’ll wait for you tomorrow.”

Castiel nods in agreement and waves goodbye just before Sam turns away. As soon as the door is closed behind him, he dumps the last of the dishes into the sink, mindful of Dean’s hands. Usually, Castiel would wipe down the table now. But they’re finally alone and that means he can finally _talk_ to Dean about what happened. He’s spent the whole day preparing himself for this moment and he feels surprisingly calm now that it’s finally arrived.

“Are we going to watch another porno before our movie tonight?” It’s only one of the many questions that Castiel has been going over all day. They’re direct and to the point because he will _not_ spend another week wondering and worrying again.

Dean doesn’t even look to him. He’s apparently very focused on doing the dishes. “If you want to. Speaking of, Cas –”

“Will _that_ happen again?” Castiel feels bad for interrupting, but if he let Dean continue then he might lose his momentum and not be able to get the rest of his questions out.

His question has Dean stopping everything and looking to him quickly. There’s surprise in his features and Castiel steels himself against rejection. In truth, he’s fully expecting to be told that it was a onetime thing. Castiel still doesn’t know if he actually _wants_ it to happen again, but he knows that he isn’t holding out hope for it.

The surprise melts off Dean’s face and he steps away from the sink. He dries his hands on his shirts as he turns around to face Castiel properly. “It doesn’t have to. We can skip the porn completely and just get back to watching movies if you’re not comfortable.” Castiel’s heart trips over itself when Dean gives him an understanding smile. “I’m not going to force you into anything you don’t want, and I sure as hell don’t want to ruin our friendship, okay?”

It’s strangely satisfying to learn that Dean at least partially has the same kind of worries that Castiel has been plagued by all week. His biggest concern was always that their friendship has been changed or ruined in some way. To hear this is a _massive_ relief and Castiel has to resists sighing happily at it.

“Our friendship is fine, Dean.” He couldn’t hold back his smile even if he tried, and he certainly doesn’t want to. If Dean’s smile makes him feel better, maybe the same can be said for his? Castiel does note that Dean’s shoulders relax slightly – though that could be attributed to his words instead.

But Dean’s response hasn’t exactly answered Castiel’s question. He needs a definitive answer before he can finally move past this. “I was wondering if you think you’ll – if we’re going to –” Where did all of his courage go? Castiel stops and clears his throat, grounding himself to force out the next question. “I was wondering, what are the chances of it happening a second time?” And he can only keep his fingers mentally crossed that the answer will be that there will be _no_ second time. He’s not sure what he’ll do if it’s anything other than that.

After a moment of silence where they do nothing but stare at each other, Dean finally shrugs and runs a hand through his hair – a nervous tick that Castiel finds absolutely adorable. “I’m not gonna lie, Cas, but last week was fucking awesome.” A pleasant chill runs through him and Castiel almost holds his breath as Dean continues. “And I’m one hundred and ten percent willing to do it again.”

It takes everything that Castiel has to keep his expression neutral. He doesn’t want to look excited and he doesn’t want to look disappointed because he doesn’t know how to feel. There’s happiness and sadness all rolled into one heavy ball in his chest right now. Dean is willing to do it again, which means that he _is_ interested in Castiel – or, at least, in his body. Dean _wants_ him in some way and that is exhilarating to an unfathomable degree. But that’s all he wants, isn’t it? He only wants his body and nothing else and that makes Castiel feel like a heavy weight is pressing in around his heart.  

The hopeful look Dean gives him is shattering. “But if we’re going to keep sucking each other off or, I dunno, doing _more_ than that – I think we need to probably lay down some ground rules or something.” He shrugs again and his lips press into a thin line. Castiel doesn’t need to ask to know that Dean is now waiting for _him_ to make the definitive decision on what happens between them.

While Castiel appreciates being given the power over whether or not their relationship will evolve to include this new physical aspect, he kind of wishes that Dean had been the one to choose. There is too much for him to consider. What will happen if he _does_ choose to go forward with this? Where would it lead? Would he be able to satisfy himself with being allowed nothing more than Dean’s body? Of course he wouldn’t be. Castiel will always want more than that.

But that’s not something he’s allowed. Dean doesn’t want a relationship, so this is all Castiel knows he’ll ever be allowed. Can’t that be enough? He’ll still be with Dean. He’ll still get to share with him what he’s never shared with anyone else. The only problem will be that he won’t be the only person that Dean is sharing himself with. And Castiel wants to be selfish. He wants to be the _only_ person Dean is with. But that’s not an option and Castiel knows that he can’t have everything that he wants.

That’s just his life, isn’t it? He doesn’t get what he really wants. Castiel only ever gets to have a piece of it – only ever half of what he desires. For example, he wanted a new start in a new school where he might actually have friends. He got to go to a new school, but it hardly felt like a new start and he certainly didn’t have friends until the very end of the school year. So, really, he actually did get everything that he wanted. It just took a little time. Which makes him wonder, would it happen for him and Dean if he just waited a while?

Perhaps that’s it? If he tries it, just for a little while, this might actually lead somewhere. Because he knows what he wants and he knows what he’s allowed, but there are just so many possibilities in it all. A bubble of hope starts to grow in his chest and Castiel pushes it down, trying to bury it under his lungs. He doesn’t want to get his hopes up for more than he knows he’ll ever have.

With a deep breath, Castiel straightens his shoulders. He’s made his decision and he can only hope that he won’t end up actually regretting it. “Can we do it again?”

“You want to blow each other again?” There’s an almost breathless quality to Dean’s voice, like he can’t believe what he was just asked. He even licks his lips and Castiel can’t help looking at them briefly.

“Yes, I would.” His heart is hammering against his ribs and he has to swallow around the lump in his throat. Castiel nods and forces himself to look back up and meet Dean’s eyes. He wants him and he’ll take whatever is allowed him – for now. Maybe, if he’s lucky, he’ll be given more one day. And if not – then he’ll call an end to whatever is starting right now.

A bright grin spreads across Dean’s face – bigger and happier than Castiel has seen from him all week. “Fuck to the yes, Cas, we can _definitely_ do that again.” He takes a step closer and it takes every inch of Castiel’s willpower not to react. “But, y’know, there are _other_ interesting things that we could do too.”

Without thinking, Castiel brings his hand to his lips. The memory of Dean licking across them is still fresh in his mind, but he can’t remember the feel of it anymore. His eyes drop to Dean’s lips again and the desire to kiss him sky rockets. Would he be allowed that now if he asked for it? Well, there’s really only one way to know for sure.

“Like kissing me again?”

Dean’s grin gets wider and he shakes his head. “That wasn’t a kiss.”

Castiel tries not to be disappointed, but he is at least just a little bit. Could he push and try and convince Dean it was? Maybe Dean might kiss him to prove that the other wasn’t? Oh, that sounds like an interesting theory and it’s one that he would like to put to the test.

“Your tongue touched my lips.” He frowns at Dean to hold back his smile. A part of him right now just _really_ wants to tease Dean. But most of him wants to have his first kiss and he _really_ wants Dean to be the one he shares it with. “How is that _not_ a kiss?”

“Trust me, Cas.” Dean’s smile turns teasing as he steps even closer. “If you were kissed by Dean Winchester, you would know it.”

That almost sounds like a challenge. Does Dean _want_ to kiss him? Is he invading Castiel’s personal space because that’s what he plans to do right now? A hopeful blush is edging past his defenses and Castiel can’t stop it. Neither can he stop the rather jealous (and altogether despicable) thought that Dean likely has the several hours of practice backing up his claim. And that practice was had with God only knows how many individuals.

Castiel frowns at his own jealousy and immediately tries to play it off. “What I _do_ know is that you licked semen – _your_ semen – off of my lips.”

Any brain power that was focused on his jealous feelings is immediately diverted the moment Dean’s hands find his hips. It’s also that moment when Castiel’s mind chooses to notice that he has been quite obviously backed up against the counter. His brain almost completely flat lines the moment Dean’s nose brushes his and he almost stops breathing.

“That wasn’t a kiss, Cas.” Dean reminds him, voice soft and seeping into Castiel’s seams.

He can feel Dean’s breath on his lips a second before there’s the barest of touch against them. It’s the softest of kisses and Castiel’s heart is absolutely _pounding_. It completely drowns out the sound of his restraint snapping. Castiel’s eyes close of their own free will and his hands find Dean’s arms. He squeezes them tightly as he leans forward, seeking a firmer kiss. For a horrifying moment, Dean actually leans _away_ – but then he’s pressing back harder and the world has literally never been more perfect.

Every time Dean pulls away, he never goes far and he always presses in a little harder. He steals Castiel’s breath with each kiss. When he brings a hand to Castiel’s jaw, he almost thinks that it might be the end – until there’s a pressure against his chin. There’s nothing else for him to do but open his mouth and it is the single best thing he has ever done. In that moment, Castiel steals a breath and it’s the only one he can consciously remember taking before there’s a tongue sliding against his own.

There’s something Dean does with his tongue that draws an unexpected noise out of Castiel him, but it sends the most pleasant of shivers down his spine. Goosebumps are spreading under his skin and Dean is doing all sorts of wonderful things that he would never have thought possible to do with just a tongue. Castiel can’t breathe, he can’t think, he can’t process anything beyond how he’s _finally kissing Dean_. It feels like he’s going weak in the knees and he is pointedly ignoring the whole fact that he has next to no idea what he’s doing and he can only hope that this is as good for Dean as it is for him.

If he was capable of noticing it right now, Castiel would probably be delighted to learn that Dean is breathing almost as heavily as he is when he finally ends the kiss. But it’s hard to be aware of anything when his entire body feels like it’s tingling from the brief catch of Dean’s teeth on his bottom lip. That – that was definitely good. Castiel is very aware that he has been kissed now. There is absolutely no doubt in his mind about it.

“Oh.” He breathes the word because it’s the only thing that comes to mind. Really though, there’s little else that he can think of right now other than the fact that he _really_ wants to kiss Dean again.

Castiel doesn’t spare a second thought for it. His hands are in Dean’s hair before he realizes it and he’s all but crushing their mouths together. It feels like a rolling fire runs burns through him the moment an appreciative groans rumbles in Dean’s throat. There are fists pressing in against his back, pulling him forward as Dean backs out of the kitchen and Castiel can only focus on how _amazing_ it feels to actually be held by him.

Things are so much easier when Dean is kissing him. It has Castiel’s worries, his insecurities, even his entire _world_ melting away until there’s nothing left but the one very real fact that he is _kissing_ Dean. Castiel doesn’t even care that he ends up on his back on the couch. He doesn’t stop and worry about what it means or where things will go when Dean settles between his legs to actually lay on top of him. The weight of him is just as addicting as the slide of his tongue and the scrape of his stubble, of the heat of his fingers when they untuck his shirt and slide underneath.

There are hands on his skin and they’re _burning_. Castiel can’t hold back a groan of his own, because Dean is _touching him_. He has never been happier or more aroused and Dean is a _genius_ when he starts to rock their hips together. The friction through Castiel’s sweat pants would be the best thing he’s ever felt – if he didn’t already know what it felt like to have Dean give him a blow job, and if he wasn’t kissing Dean right now. Basically nothing can beat the feeling of learning the way Dean kisses – of learning the way Dean _loves_.

While Castiel is getting lost in every sensation that Dean is giving him, his body at least seems to know what to do. One of his legs has had the monumentally wonderful idea of hooking around Dean’s thigh to gain the leverage to keep rolling his hips up against Dean’s. And his hands are the smartest of hands because they’re dragging Dean’s shirts up his back. His skin is so warm and softer than Castiel expected. It’s probably covered in freckles and he wants to look, but that would require pulling away from these kisses and there is no force on this earth that will stop him unless Dean is the one who pulls away.

Eventually it does happen though, and when it does, Castiel has to bite back an actual whine. But there’s most definitely a pout on his lips – until he realizes what Dean is doing. He’s fumbling with undoing his jeans and once again he’s displaying his genius. Castiel lifts his hips so he can push his pants and underwear out of the way. They only make it partially down his thighs, but that’s apparently all Dean needs, because all he’s done is open his pants and pull himself out.

His lips feel tingly and sensitive, but Castiel still bites the bottom when Dean doesn’t hesitate to take his dick in hand and starts stroking him. He forces himself to stay still, even though his whole body is all but demanding to start rocking into Dean’s fist and his head wants to press back into the couch. No, he refuses. Castiel wants to watch what Dean is doing. He wants to see and learn and devote every moment of this to his memory.

Dean is doing the same to himself, wrist twisting to pass his palm over the head. It looks like he’s spreading their pre-come. What is he planning? Should Castiel inform him that there’s lube in his underwear drawer? But what do they need lube for? His heart skips a beat and he tries very hard not to freak out at the thought that Dean might be preparing to – No, he wouldn’t do that. There is _far_ too much prep needed for that and they have done none of it right now. Castiel fully believes that Dean wouldn’t do anything without proper preparation.

He whimpers and his lip actually starts to _ache_ from how hard he bites it when Dean actually takes them both in the same hand. Before he can even begin to be overwhelmed by the feeling of having another person’s erection against his own, Dean is kissing him again and nirvana is approaching at a terrifying speed. Castiel can’t hold back any longer. Dean is drawing all manner of muffled sounds from him and there is no embarrassment or anything keeping him from making them. Everything just feels so _good_ and Castiel feels so wrapped up in _Dean_ – it’s more than he can take.

Unsurprisingly, Castiel is careening towards his orgasm faster than it usually takes him. Dean must be aware of it, because he draws away again taking both his lips and his hands and leaving Castiel floundering for more. Thankfully, he doesn’t have to wait long or even ask for anything. His shirt has ridden up to bare his belly and even though he doesn’t have Dean’s lips, his stomach is still getting the kisses. They’re a little ticklish, but Castiel loves them almost more than he loves how Dean moves down his body until he can wrap his lips around him again.

It’s almost embarrassing how quickly (and loudly) he comes, but the euphoric glow following his orgasm leaves him lightheaded and deliriously happy. In fact, Castiel is happy enough that he knows that he wants to return the favour a shadow of a doubt. He barely waits for Dean to finish licking him clean and pulling his pants back into place before he grabs handfuls of his shirt and drags him up again. The kiss he steals while they’re switching positions on the couch has a hint of the same somewhat salty taste that reminds him of what it was like giving Dean a blow job last week.

The same taste hits his tongue the second he gets his mouth on Dean’s dick, completely focused on doing a better job than he did last time. He tries his best to remember everything he’s ever seen in the pornos, using his hands to stroke what he knows he can’t take and bobbing his head in a steady rhythm. Castiel wants to make this good for Dean. If they’re going to do this more, then he wants to be better. It’s unlikely that he’ll ever be _the best_ that Dean has ever (or will ever) have, but he will absolutely give it his very best shot.

Just like before, Castiel isn’t expecting to enjoy the act of giving a blow job as much as he does receiving. It’s almost like a power trip and he has those so rarely that this could be dangerously addicting – especially where Dean is concerned. And of course the feeling only gets worse as Dean continues to run his hands through Castiel’s hair, sometimes simply petting and sometimes actually gripping it. Every tug is a bolt of lightning down Castiel’s spine and it could very well bring him to a second erection – if that were at all possible right now.

One of the last things that Castiel expects is for one of Dean's hands to slip do go his cheek. He makes a mental note to try this next time as Dean gently urges him to tilt his head just slightly. It has the head of Dean's dick pushing against his cheek before going deeper and apparently Dean _really_ likes being able to feel that because his hips twitch almost involuntarily and he actually _gasps_. It’s a heady thrill for Castiel and he muffles a groan of his own around the erection in his mouth. He loves learning all the ways to bring Dean pleasure and if this is all he’s allowed, then he can only hope that he’ll be allowed to learn more than just this.

The rough rasp of Dean’s voice is almost a physical sensation over Castiel’s skin and he has to suppress a shiver when he speaks. “Can I - please let me come in your mouth, Cas, please?”

Even though Dean has done it twice for him already, the thought of doing it has Castiel coming to a complete stop. The thought have having someone, even Dean, ejaculate inhis _mouth_ isn’t the most pleasant to have - but this isn’t about him. Everything Castiel is doing right now is to give _Dean_ pleasure. He wants to make him happy and he wants to experience all the things that do that for him. If he happens to be building his own repertoire for any future partners (or hopefully for Dean), then that’s just a happy coincidence.

Slowly, Castiel lifts his head until his mouth is free and he’s able to talk. His own voice is much rougher than he expected and it catches him by surprise as he meets Dean’s eyes. “I’ll try anything once, Dean.” Within reason, of course. And that’s only if it’s something that he’s comfortable with. What Dean is asking is just skirting the borders of his comfort zone and he’ll only know afterwards if it is or isn’t something that he enjoys having happen.

With Dean watching, Castiel lowers his head again and flattens his tongue along the underside of his erection in one long lick. Dean’s eyes are wide and his mouth is open in a very nice ‘ _o_ ’ shape. It makes Castiel want to kiss it again, but he has a job to do. He’s fairly certain that he is close to bringing Dean to orgasm. Even though he suspects - _knows_ \- that, Castiel is still caught by surprise when Dean actually does hit that brink. The grip he has in Castiel’s hair goes almost painfully tight as he holds him still and Castiel has to use his hand to keep stroking him - much like how Dean continued bobbing his head while he came earlier.

But doing so only comes as an afterthought. There’s more come than he was expecting and Castiel finds himself struggling to swallow it all. He’s almost ashamed when he feels some of it dribble down his chin. Not only is that bad manners, but Dean might think that he didn’t want this. In truth, it’s not as bad as he thought it would be and Castiel actually swallows without thinking. Only afterwards does it occur to him that spitting it out was a possibility. Dean never said whether or not he wanted Castiel to swallow it.

Apparently Dean doesn’t seem to mind that Castiel couldn’t keep it all in his mouth. In fact, he seems all too eager to drag him back up onto the couch to lick it away just like he did last week. The only difference this time around is that instead of leaning away, Dean kisses Castiel again. His tongue is quick and probing, like he’s searching out the remnants of his taste in Castiel’s mouth. It’s a giddy thought that has him melting against Dean further, opening to him completely and willing to readily willing to give him almost anything that he asks for right now.

It’s a pity that he didn’t spend more time kissing Dean after receiving his own blowjob earlier. The kiss he’d given him then was extremely nice and he would happily have it again, but he wishes that he’d taken the chance to try and taste himself on Dean’s tongue. Maybe - if he’s lucky - he’ll have the chance to try it again? If he’s even luckier, he might even be allowed to see what it’s like to kiss Dean without it being a precursor to sex. _That_ would be downright amazing.

To his disappointment, the current kiss doesn’t last nearly as long as he would like it to. Castiel wants to spend the rest of the evening on this couch doing nothing else but kissing Dean. He wants to be held by him and to hold him and - and - God, help him, but Castiel just wants _Dean_ and nothing more or less than all of him. But something about how his relationship ended with Lisa has left Dean stung and he’s closed himself off from ever being hurt again.

Even though Castiel would _never_ do anything to hurt Dean, he can’t quite explain that to him without outing that he has feelings for him. Doing so might make Dean uncomfortable, which means Castiel would have to move out, and he doesn’t want to. He wants to stay with his friends. He wants to stay and be with Dean in what small capacity he can - as friends and as whatever this is that they’re blindly stumbling into right now.

Dean has somehow managed to use the kiss to distract Castiel while he gets to his feet. Before he knows it, Dean is standing over him with a wide smile on his face. Castiel slumps back against the couch to catch his breath, his mind buzzing with so many thoughts that they don’t even form into anything cohesive or mildly coherent. It’s like his head is filled with nothing but white noise while he watches Dean tuck himself back into his pants, marking the end of - of whatever this was.

He doesn’t know what he’s expecting Dean to say now that things are, apparently, finished. But what he gets is both relieving and disappointing all in the same moment. Dean fixes him with a bright smile and a cocky wink. “Dibs on the shower.” And then he’s gone, patting Castiel on the shoulder briefly as he walks around the end of the couch and out of sight.

Castiel doesn’t move. He stays sitting on the couch long after he’s heard the shower start behind the bathroom door. The longer he sits here, the more he thinks and the clearer his head gets. Having Dean near him after what they just did was like placing a magnet next to a computer screen. Everything in his head goes blurry and colourful and he can’t process anything properly until he finally has some space. And the longer that Dean is in the bathroom, the easier it is for him to think. Now that he can think, there are a few conclusions that are being reached - and none of them are making Castiel feel better.

On the bright side, at least they aren’t making him feel any _worse_ either.

For Castiel, it feels like he’s being torn in two. One part of him is ridiculously happy that he just got to be intimate with Dean for a _second_ time. It’s more than he ever thought he would get and he doesn’t want to hold out hope that they just might do it again sometime soon. Dean did hint towards that possibility, but until it’s confirmed, it won’t be something that he’ll waste his time actually hoping for. But he’s still happy and he’ll never let anyone take these precious moments from him.

Unfortunately, that’s only one part of him. The other half is not feeling nearly as good about this as the rest of him is. That particular part is very upset that Castiel wants to be with Dean so badly that he’s apparently willing to sacrifice his morals to get it. True, this is not how he wanted things to be with Dean, but at least he finally has _something_ with him, right? It’s more on Dean’s terms than it is his own, but it’s already been determined that what he wants isn’t a viable option. Castiel needs to settle for what he _can_ have and that’s - well, that’s this.

There is, perhaps, one more part of him that is pulling him apart over this situation. It’s one that Castiel is actively ignoring and as far as he’s concerned, it doesn’t actually exist right now. That little part - so small that it shouldn’t even exist - is trying very hard to convince Castiel that he can use this. If he were to avail himself to Dean in this fashion whenever it’s beneficial for the both of them, it’s possible that Dean would stop going out as much as he does.

Would he still stay out all night and potentially sleep with strangers if he knew that he could get the same thing at home for certain? If Castiel was a _sure thing_ \- as Gabriel once said about previous girlfriends - would Dean stop looking for sex elsewhere? Is Castiel willing to use his body to distract Dean from going out anymore?

That part is just a very small piece of him, but it is extremely tenacious and Castiel fears that it will only grow if this continues. And that doesn’t spell very good things for him.

*

To Castiel’s everlasting relief, this past weekend wasn’t anywhere near as bad as it had been the week prior. There were no signs of the awkwardness he had feared would follow them after their second tryst on Friday night. Dean effectively dispelled all of Castiel’s doubts when he changed after his shower into some comfortable pajamas and settled down on the couch again for a movie about giant transforming robots from outer space. Their Friday night ritual was established once again and it was a blessed return to a normalcy Castiel had been craving - now with an added twist.

He would be _beyond_ happy if their Fridays started having addicting kisses and amazing orgasms before their movies instead of vaguely uncomfortable pornos and guilty orgasms instead. Things would be quite obviously better if the movies were watching while cuddling happened on the couch, but that would be asking for far too much. At this point, Castiel isn’t even asking from the kisses and orgasms. He’s doing his best not to ask for anything and forcing himself to be patient and wait to see where this new facet of their friendship is going to lead them.

Since things have _changed_ for them, Castiel feels like he should be applauding himself whenever he succeeds in fighting back a blush when he and Dean are around each other in the apartment. It’s quite the feat considering that he finds it hard to stop thinking about how he would very much like to kiss Dean up against every surface in their home. He wants to sling his arms around Dean’s waist and pull him close every time they pass each other in the hall. Or he has to struggle with the urge to walk up behind him while Dean is cooking and lean against his back just to be close to him.

These are all desires that Castiel has been beating back since he moved in, but now it’s _harder_. Before last week, he didn’t know what it was like to kiss Dean. Castiel didn’t know the exact weight of him when he’s laying on him. He wasn’t aware of just how _hot_ Dean’s skin is or what it feels like to move against him. Before last Friday, Castiel didn’t know what it felt like to be _held_ by him and now it’s all he can do to stay focused on his studies for his upcoming exams.

And that is exactly why Castiel has taken to studying at the library. It’s a lot easier to keep his mind off Dean when he isn’t surrounded by everything that belongs to him. Not to mention that he’s not studying sitting a mere handful of feet away from two places where he has not only kissed Dean, but gone several steps beyond that. Without those reminders distracting him, Castiel is finding that his studies go a lot quicker and he absorbs more of the content. And that is a _very_ good thing. If he keeps this up, he’s confident that there won’t be any decline in his already near-perfect grades.

At least that’s something Father should hopefully be pleased with. Of course he won’t ever tell his father _why_ he’s been studying at the library, should he ask – or find out, for that matter. He can’t even figure out a way to tell Sam when he asks. The best that Castiel can come up with is a half-truth about how the library has a better atmosphere for studying. Unfortunately – or fortunately – being away half the day at the library isn’t enough to deter Dean from bringing up what they’ve been doing earlier than Friday. In fact, it’s only Tuesday when Castiel comes home to find Dean waiting for him.

The moment he walks through the door, Dean turns off the TV and looks over the back of the couch at him. Castiel hesitates with the door open, briefly considering how far he could get right now if he dropped his bag and ran. It’s not his first impulse, but he does consider it. The way Dean is looking at him over the back of the couch is a little worrying – and the worst thing is that Castiel doesn’t know _why_. He doesn’t look upset or angry or anything that Castiel would consider negative. If anything, he might look a little hopeful? Or that could just be Castiel’s projecting on him

“Y’got a minute to spare, Cas?” Dean asks and gestures at the empty place next to him on the couch.

“I do.” He nods slowly and steps inside. Sam must not be home if Dean is planning on talking to him right now. Castiel doesn’t need to think too hard to figure out what it might be in regards too. And that has his pulse ratcheting up a few notches as he kicks out of his shoes and locks the door. As an afterthought, he puts the chain lock in place as well. Depending on the results of their conversation, they might be doing something that they don’t want Sam walking in on.

Castiel takes a shortcut to his spot by climbing over the back of the couch. He sits with his legs crossed, as that’s the only way to keep his knee from bouncing nervously. Despite the jittery edge that’s quickly spreading through him, Castiel maintains his composed exterior once he’s settled facing Dean. “Are we going to discuss what we’ve been doing?”

“Yeah, we are.” Dean turns to face him and draws one of his legs up under him. “First things first. Do you think this is going to be a thing?” Apparently he’s not holding back and is just going to dive head first into the topic at hand. “I mean, like, do you want to keep doing it? Maybe even doing more than what we’ve done so far?”

These are the questions that Castiel has been asking himself since the first blow job. And, by this point, he doesn’t exactly have an answer to Dean’s questions. The very loud and extremely selfish part of him wants to say yes, but there’s still that other part of him that wants to end things here before they get any farther than this. He just doesn’t know what he wants beyond the fact that he wants Dean and he has _immensely_ enjoyed what they’ve done so far – as long as he keeps ignoring the little unhappy voice that wants what he knows he can’t have.

The only way to sum up all of that into one answer for Dean is with a shrug. It’s not the best of responses, but it’s really all Castiel can do right now aside from outright speaking his thoughts and baring his innermost feelings. And that just isn’t something he can do right now – maybe not ever.

Dean sighs and he runs his hand through his hair. Maybe that wasn’t the answer that he wanted to hear, but it’s not deterring him from pushing forward with the conversation. “You know I’m not looking for another relationship, right, Cas?” His hand drops to gesture between the two of them. “This thing between us would be just sex, if it ever gets that far.”

Of course Castiel already knew that, but there’s still a painful twinge in his chest as he takes his time processing the implications of what Dean just said. He hates how true it is, but he nods anyways. There is little other choice in the matter. “I understand.”

For a moment, a smile slips across Dean’s face. “Good.” But then it’s gone again into something a little more curious and with that hint of hopeful that makes Castiel’s heart stutter. “Now, if we get that far, would you actually want to have sex with me?” He pauses and a furrow forms between his brows slightly. “I remember you saying that the way I live my life, with the sleeping around and all that, isn’t a way you’d choose to live yours. I’ll completely understand if that’s still a thing for you.”

Oh yes. There’s that too. Castiel looks down at his hands and hates that he can feel an embarrassed blush starting to burn in his ears. He’s been caught out and he doesn’t know how to explain that he’s making a half-exception especially for Dean because he’s – he’s – well, because he’s _Dean_ and Castiel is tripping head over heels for him no matter how hard he tries not to.

There must be something he could say to Dean to make him understand that he _does_ want this, in a sense. It occurs to him in a brilliant flash of thought, but it brings with it the fresh memory of Friday night and Castiel can’t bring himself to look up again. “I also said that I would try anything once.”

“Oh.” Dean sounds surprised and relieved all at the same time. “Well, that’s good.” The couch creaks as he leans forward slightly. “What about my first question?”

His first question? Oh! The burn in Castiel’s ears is spreading to his cheeks and he can’t hold back from fidgeting anymore. He starts running a hand over his jeans, pushing down the creases in them. “I – Maybe?” Castiel shrugs and tries not to show himself as being _too_ nervous about his answer. “If it comes to that, I think that I would –” Have no idea what to do. “I would like to try it. With you, that is.”

Even though he thought the words and said them, Castiel can hardly believe that they came from him. Yes, he’s thought about having sex with Dean. He’s thought about it more times than he cares to count. But would he actually be able to carry out the act if given the opportunity? Quite honestly, Castiel just doesn’t know. He won’t know unless it happens and it’s possible that he doesn’t _want_ to know right now. It would require too much thinking and that’s the kind of thinking that he doesn’t want to do.

The silence that follows his answer is unnerving and Castiel looks up. He needs to see Dean’s expression to understand if what he said was good or not. Judging by his smile, Castiel did well with his answer. “That’s great, Cas. Now we’re going to need to lay down some rules for that.”

Rules are good. Castiel likes to work within rules. Having set parameters helps him stay focused and he won’t over reach for what he wants and can’t have. “What kind of rules?”

Dean lifts a finger for his first rule, apparently counting them off on his hand. “Sam can’t know – which means that we don’t do anything while he’s home and we don’t leave marks. No hickies, no bruises, no scratch or bite marks. Agreed?”

Castiel nods again. “Agreed.” If – and that is a very big _if_ – he and Dean end up doing anything more, it won’t be anyone else’s business but their own. Sam already gets on Dean’s case for sleeping around – would he be upset if he knew that Dean was bringing Castiel around to his way of life too? Though, of course, Castiel has absolutely no plans to so much as touch another person for the foreseeable future.

The next finger on Dean’s hand flips up. “We’ve got to get checked.”

“Checked?”

He nods once, head bobbing quickly. “For STIs and all that shit. I’m still going to go out with friends and I’m still going to hook up at the bar whenever I feel like it.” A blade composed entirely of a tight misery slices through Castiel’s chest to lodge itself between his ribs, but he holds his tongue and does his best not to show a reaction as Dean continues. “This thing between us is just going to be casual, so you can still go out and have a good fuck with someone else too. Got it?”

What Castiel _gets_ is a very big suspicion that Dean doesn’t know that he’s a virgin. How would that affect this situation if he knew? At this point, Castiel doesn’t exactly want to find out. As much as it hurts to hear that he’ll have to continue to grin and bear his way through Dean’s weekly nights out, he still wants this – wants _him_. And he wants to at least _try_ to be with him – if possible.

There’s a lump in his throat again and Castiel swallows around it, looking down at his hands in case his expression might give away that he’s out of his depths here. “I – yes, I get it.” And then a thought occurs to him and he looks up again. “How often should we get checked?”

Dean shrugs and scratches at the back of his head while he thinks. “I dunno. Maybe once a month, maybe longer? You always use a condom, right.”

“I’ve n–” The truth is almost given on reflex and Castiel cuts himself off with a shake. “Yes, I am an advocate for safe sex.”

“Good.” An approving smile slides across Dean’s lips. “We’re going to use them too, just in case. Though if we’re clean – and I’m pretty sure we both are, otherwise I wouldn’t have done what we already have – then we don’t really need to use them for blow jobs.” His grin grows even wider. “They’re so much better without – both for giving and getting.”

All Castiel can do is nod in agreement. He’s never experienced anything with a condom before, so he has no comparison to make right now. But he _can_ accept that both giving and receiving without one have been wonderful experiences.

“Awesome.” Dean’s smile is set to break his face in half if it gets any bigger. It’s secretly rather pleasing to know that he has some a wide smile because he’s happy with Castiel’s answers. “How often do you think you’ll want to do it?”

Wait – what? “I’m sorry?” Castiel frowns. He feels like he missed something here. “I thought we were going to get checked once a month?”

That pulls a short laugh out of Dean. “I mean how often do you want to have _sex_ , Cas? Or is that something we should probably play by ear?”

Oh God. Of _course_ that’s what he meant. Castiel’s blush has a mind of its own now and he shifts position to hug one of his knees to his chest. Now Dean is entering the territory that Castiel has purposefully not thought about at all. “I think…” He starts slowly, buying himself time to think while he quickly considers his schedule compared to Dean’s and Sam’s. “… it would perhaps be wisest to do it on an as needed – or as available – basis.”

Dean shrugs and rolls his shoulders, stretching as he leans back against the armrest. “Alright, I’m good with that. But I’ve got a high sexual appetite and with you being available and all, I won’t have to hold back until I have to go to the bar. You think you can keep up?”

With how much Dean has been affecting him since he moved in, Castiel is fairly certain that he could give Dean a decent run for his money in that regard. But still, it begs the question; “How high is high?”

“If given the chance…?” He shrugs and looks at a point over Castiel’s shoulders, eyes going unfocused while he thinks. “I’d probably do it at least once every day. Probably twice – morning and night. What about you?”

Well that is much higher than he thought it would be. Could he keep up with having sex twice a day? The potential images and situations flood Castiel’s head and his whole face heats up again. He ducks his head and stares at his toes. “I – I don’t know. But with our schedules and Sam’s, I doubt that we’ll be able to do it that often.” Though it would be nice if he could. If he did, then maybe Dean wouldn’t go out to hook up anymore.

“Exactly.” Dean nods and then he sits forward again, expression suddenly serious. “Oh, and Cas? The most important rule is that you can say _no_ at any time. I meant it. I’d rather Sam know that we’re fucking then you being uncomfortable with anything that we do.”

He’s giving Castiel power over this _thing_ between them again. It’s almost unbelievable, but it’s most definitely appreciated. “I understand.” Castiel nods slowly, processing all of the implications to it. “If I’m uncomfortable, I can call an end to this – this –” It’s time he has an actual name for it. “What do we call this arrangement?”

Again, Dean shrugs and scratches at the back of his neck. “ _Arrangement_ works. But, basically, what we’re going to be is more commonly known as fuck buddies.”

“Oh.” Castiel looks away to think about it. They haven’t reached that stage yet, but it’s a possibility and he’s briefly terrified by it. Can he really do this? Possibly. He’ll have to wait and see. But there is still one question rolling through his mind. “Do _you_ want this?” Castiel looks back to Dean, praying he doesn’t look _too_ hopeful. “Am I an acceptable… _fuck buddy_?”

His answer is a lascivious grin. “Remember when I gave you my phone number? You were my favourite customer and I looked forward to you coming in every day.” Heat spreads through Castiel’s chest and he hugs his knee harder. “I was completely ready to hook up with you at that point – until I found out you were underage.”

And _that_ is something Castiel will rue to the day he dies. How differently would things be if he had been old enough for Dean then? Would they have started dating then? Would they still be dating now or would they have ended like Dean’s relationship with Lisa? Castiel can’t say for sure because he doesn’t know what actually ended that relationship, but he’d like to think that since he and Dena have been such good friends for the same amount of time, that they might have stood a better chance.

He stares down at his knee and tries not to think about it. That’s a world he’s thought of more times than he would ever admit, but he could never tell Dean about it. Just thinking about it is embarrassing all over again and Castiel is now convinced that his blush is a permanent fixture.

It catches him by surprise when Dean slides closer. His skin tingles pleasantly as fingers slide under his chin and Dean gently urges Castiel to lift his head again. Dean’s eyes are soft and his smile encouraging. “To answer your question; yes, Cas. I want this and you are _beyond_ acceptable.” He leans in and out of reflex Castiel brings a hand up to hold the front of his shirt, needing something to hold on to while Dean drops his voice into a whisper. “You don’t even want to know the things I’ve been thinking about you.”

And that is where Dean is very wrong. Castiel licks his lips and he glances to Dean’s lips. Are they going to kiss? He would very much like to kiss Dean again, and especially out of the boundaries of the safety of their Fridays together. If he could kiss Dean every day, he would be happy – even more so if he was able to do it first thing in the morning when he wakes up and just before he goes to bed. Preferably all of it happening in a bed he shares with Dean.

But Castiel is very, _very_ intrigued by what Dean just said. He pushes him back into his own spot and ignores the brief disappointment that flashes across Dean’s face. That look melts away as Castiel follows after him. His heart is pounding far too hard, but he still forces himself to throw a leg over Dean’s lap to straddle it. This is the first time he’s done anything like this and he only hopes that he doesn’t look as awkward as he feels.

If this is how Castiel is going to be allowed to have Dean, then he’ll accept it until he can’t anymore. Because if there’s one thing that he knows, it’s that he wants Dean and he wants him in whatever capacity he can have him – even if it’s only like this. With that determination fueling him. Castiel chokes back his nervousness and meets Dean’s eyes.

“I want to know. Show me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warnings_ :
>
>> -Frotting  
> -blow job(s)


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel struggles to remember anything that he might have learned the first time they kissed. It’s rather difficult considering that kissing Dean apparently has the ability to defy science and steal completely wipe his memory of all things actually important. But it’s just so _good_ – the way Dean tastes and the things that he can do with his tongue. There can’t be anything better than kissing Dean Winchester.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter content warnings are at the end of chapter. Please click the link below to see them.**
> 
> This chapter takes place during [Chapter Four](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/3991384) of the A Little Patience storyline.

Any nerves that had managed to build up in Castiel’s chest melt away the moment Dean groans. It’s a sound that reverberates right through Dean’s chest and into Castiel’s. The hand that wraps around the back of his head pulls him forward into a crushing kiss. A wrecked noise of his own is ripped from him. Castiel can’t resist wrapped his arms around Dean’s shoulders and pressing as close as he can get. The heat of Dean’s body is burning him through the layers of their clothing and it’s so very addicting.

Castiel struggles to remember anything that he might have learned the first time they kissed. It’s rather difficult considering that kissing Dean apparently has the ability to defy science and steal completely wipe his memory of all things actually important. But it’s just so _good_ – the way Dean tastes and the things that he can do with his tongue. There can’t be anything better than kissing Dean Winchester.

There is one thing, however, that Castiel remembers from last week. It had made him feel like liquid heat was sliding down his spine and he wants Dean to feel that good too. Castiel tries it now, giving a tentative suck to Dean’s tongue mid-kiss. That earns Castiel another loud groan that scrapes through him, carving a burning trail right into his gut. Clearly Dean enjoyed it and he couldn’t be happier for actually pulling it off – because he knows that he’s not as good at kissing as Dean is.

Either way, Castiel is rewarded with a tight grip on his hips. Dean’s fingers are lines of fire on his skin when they sneak under the hem of his shirt. They leave him tingling wherever they touch and he is _more_ than happy to move his hips when Dean urges him to start doing it. This is just like the grind they had on Friday, only Castiel is the one on top now. So far, he’s pretty sure that he prefers having Dean on top of him. It was like being wrapped in his heat and the combined scent of everything that is uniquely _Dean_ – and Castiel loved it.

The moment Dean starts pulling at his tie to loosen it with one hand while the other is already popping buttons of his sweater, Castiel realizes just where this is going. They’re going to take their clothes off. He’s going to be _naked_ in front of Dean. Surprisingly, that doesn’t make him as nervous as he once thought it would be. In fact, Castiel is excited for it – possibly because that means he’s going to get to see Dean naked as well.

His heart is already pounding faster than ever before and he is certain that Dean can feel it when his hands pass over his chest, pushing the sweater off to attack the buttons of the shirt underneath. Castiel’s hands are already pushing Dean’s over shirt off, fumbling to get it off his shoulders and down his arms. He wants to see if Dean’s freckles are as subtle on the rest of him as they are on his face. Castiel wants to see the lines of his body and commit them to memory because he highly doubts that he’ll ever be allowed to take pictures of _all_ of Dean’s perfection.

For one frustrating moment, Castiel tries to pull Dean’s t-shirt off without breaking their kiss. It’s obviously not going to work unless he rips the shirt down the front, and he’s pretty sure that Dean would not appreciate that. There’s an amused smile on Dean’s lips when they pull apart long enough to get their shirts off – like he knows that Castiel doesn’t want to stop kissing. That smile is missing when Castiel turns back to him after looking away to throw their shirts on the floor.

“Hold on, Cas, what the hell is that?” Dean’s grabs Castiel’s right elbow and pulls it to the left, forcing him to twist in his lap. In that instant, Castiel remembers his tattoo – though he can’t for the life of him understand how he forgot it in the first place. “When the hell did you get a tattoo?”

For a moment, Castiel actually entertains the thought of trying to play it off as not having one. But the feathers are big, black, and the majority of his upper back _and_ the back of his arms almost all the way to his elbows. They’re quite clearly not fake rub-on tattoos either. He discards those thoughts almost immediately. There’s no way Castiel can lie to Dean. Not about these and especially when Dean is a large part of the reason that he got them in the first place – not that he’ll tell him _that_ particular detail.

It’s rather fitting, actually, that Dean be the first person to see them (aside from the tattoo artist, of course). Castiel hates having to pull away from Dean to show him properly, but he forces himself to slide backward off of Dean’s lap until he’s able to stand. He feels strangely calm when he turns and spreads his arms to give the best few possible of his wings. Usually Castiel’s tattoos make him nervous. When he changes in a bathroom at Taekwondo or in a stall at the university’s gym, he’s always paranoid that somehow someone is going to see them. But this – showing Dean – it feels so _natural_.

A pleasing tingle shivers across his skin when fingertips touch his back. Castiel closes his eyes briefly and paints an image in his head, following the movement of Dean’s fingers. He’s tracing the feathers and the feeling of it – of Dean doing something that no one has done to him before – has his heart doing loop-de-loops in his chest. It’s that giddy, exhilarating feeling he had the first time Gabriel took him on a rollercoaster the moment he was tall enough to ride one.

That very same feeling has Castiel ready and willing to explain about his tattoos with little indiscretion. “I got them shortly after I graduated.” He glances over his shoulder and his stomach flips at the awed look in Dean’s eyes.

“You’re the last person I would’ve expected to see with a tattoo, Cas.” His voice is a low murmur and Castiel wants to listen to nothing else for the rest of his life.

He is completely pliant as Dean guides him to take a few steps backwards. The backs of Castiel’s calves are pressed against the couch and he can feel Dean’s breath on his skin, close enough that he may be examining each feather. Castiel holds his breath and revels in that feeling for a moment, closing out anything else in his mind that wants to remind him that he’s now _half-naked_ in front of Dean. There are so many little voices and thoughts that are trying to remind him about every little thing that Castiel _needs_ to drown them out if he wants to be able to enjoy this.

Talking to Dean is one way to do it. “Why do you think I only ever wear shirts with long sleeves?” He can’t tell if he’s trying to make a joke or not, but it will suffice. “My parents would throw a fit if they knew I had it.” Which is one of the worries the voices in his head keep whispering. But Castiel trusts that Dean isn’t going to go out and tell anyone about this.

He isn’t expecting Dean to laugh, but it’s still such a nice sound and he can practically feel it vibrating against his skin for how close Dean is. Castiel closes his eyes and listen to it as he lets Dean move him around again. With some effort and a bit of fumbling, he ends up on the couch and in Dean’s lap again. However, this time Dean is lying lengthwise across the cushions and Castiel is now facing _away_ from him. This is all well and good, but how are they going to return to kissing with this ridiculous position? What good is it going to bring them? Castiel still has his pants on, so it’s not like he can ride Dean in the – what was the name of that position again? Oh, yes. The Reverse Cowgirl.

It would certainly be a possibility – if Castiel were ready for sex and he wasn’t wearing pants. He can feel Dean’s erection through both their jeans, pressing against his ass. Oh! An idea occurs to him then and he experimentally tries rolling his hips. The groan that washes over his tattoo is answer enough and Castiel is glad that he isn’t facing Dean now. It makes it easier to hide his pleased grin as he returns to grinding down against Dean’s erection.

As he moves, Dean’s hands continue to trace and track every feather on Castiel’s skin. “Did you get this for a reason?”

Having Dean touch him feels good and he lets his head loll back absently. A hum is on his lips before he finds the best words for his answer. It needs to be one that tells the truth without giving away the specifics of it. “For the freedom I gained when I made a friend who helped me start to, metaphorically, spread my wings.”

For a long moment, Dean doesn’t say anything and his grip on Castiel’s arms tightens briefly. He takes long enough that Castiel begins to worry that he might have said the wrong thing. Does Dean know that _he_ is that friend? He’s already under the impression that Castiel has had past partners, so does that carry over into him thinking that Castiel also had friends before him? It’s a normal thing to assume, despite how it would be wrong in this particular case.

Unexpectedly, Dean moves under him. Castiel is jostled in place slightly as Dean sits up. He swallows back a gasp of surprise when Dean’s mouth presses hot and wet to his back. His brain skips and stutters as he tries to understand what’s happening – and then it clicks. Dean is _kissing his tattoo_. A soft sound escapes him and Castiel can’t stop himself from leaning back into the kiss and the many that follow, tracing the edges of the feathers.  

“They’re really nice, Cas.” The words vibrate across his skin, digging under it to find their way to the pit of his stomach. They curl up there, warm and pulsing and making Castiel feel lightheaded – like they somehow sucked all the air out of the room. “They suit you.”

He’s so entranced by that feeling that he doesn’t even notice the hands on his belt. Dean apparently has very sneaky fingers. Castiel isn’t aware of what they’ve managed to do until there’s a palm very obviously pressing against his own erection. It’s straining against the zipped of his jeans and he would absolutely _love_ it if Dean opened them. Castiel wants to feel Dean’s hand on him more. He wants to feel them _everywhere_. God, but he wants them to be burned into his skin so he carries Dean’s touch with him wherever he goes.

Would Dean touch him more if Castiel let him know that he likes it? But how could he – His body! He should speak with his body. That’s what sex is, isn’t it? It’s speaking with actions and conveying all sorts of things in something as simple as a touch on the arm or a press of lips to skin. Castiel rocks his hips forward into the press of Dean’s hand, a groan rumbling in his throat. Hopefully that will be enough to get Dean to do more. If he doesn’t, Castiel might have to take matters into his own hands. Literally.

To his disappointment, Dean’s hands slip away without so much as touching the pull tab. He would voice his displeasure, but he’s not sure if he’s actually unhappy with it or not. What Dean is doing instead is rather worth paying attention to. He’s still touching Castiel, his hands spread wide over his stomach. They stroke up in a gentle caress, fingers dancing across his ribs. It’s making Castiel shiver and he bites his lips to stifle anymore sounds, waiting to see what Dean does.

Dean’s hands brush across Castiel’s chest and one of his fingers passes over a nipple. Almost immediately, he stops. His hands and his mouth and his tongue all just _stop_ and Castiel has to stop himself from begging for him to continue. He wants to see what Dean is going to do and where this is going to go. Castiel wants to know what it feels like to be touched and kissed and – and – and _loved_ by Dean, even if it’s only in a physical capacity.

“Hey, Cas –” His voice is soft, as much a caress on Castiel’s skin as his hands are. “Do you like having your nipples played with?”

To punctuate his questions, Dean’s fingers drift across his chest. They find by touch Castiel’s nipples and he rubs small circles over them. It sends a pleasing sensation zinging through him. Of course it’s nothing like having his penis touched, or even as good as the way his knees get weak when Dean kisses him, but it’s still good.

Good enough to make his breathing hitch as he tries to find his voice long enough to answer. “I – I don’t know. I’ve never – oh!” The sensation increase tenfold when Dean pinches one of his nipples between finger and thumb and Castiel’s whole body jerks at the feeling.

He can feel a smile against his back and Dean pinches again. More than that, he actually _pulls_ and it’s all Castiel can do not to outright whimper. His body is trembling and he can’t understand how it could happen when it’s just his _nipples_ being touched. But it feels good – a burn of new pleasure that he wants more of _and_ wants to find out what other parts of his body make him feel like this. Dean must know them, right? He’ll find them and teach him and Castiel wants it so badly it hurts.

When Dean starts guiding him to turn again, Castiel is more than happy to comply. He scrambles around carefully on the couch to settle in Dean’s lap again, more than ready for the kisses he knows – he _hopes_ – are coming. To his disappointment and unending delight, Dean doesn’t lean in for a kiss. Instead, his kisses are pressed to Castiel’s chest, lips soft as they circle around one of his nipples. Castiel sink his fingers into Dean’s hair and grips tightly as he actually starts to _suck_ at them. It feels so _different_ from just Dean’s fingers.

Castiel can’t stop shuddering at each new sensation cutting through him. He wants to watch what Dean is doing, see how he uses the tip of his tongue to tease before he sucks at it again. But watching is so hard to do when everything he’s feeling wants him to close his eyes and tilt his head back and just _enjoy_ it all. That being said, it’s no wonder how Castiel doesn’t actually _see_ the moment when Dean chooses to scrape his teeth across the now _very_ sensitive skin of his nipple.

The sound that gets pulled from his throat is one he’s fairly certain he’s never made before and that only serves to fuel his curiosity. What other sounds is he capable of that he hasn’t yet discovered? What else can Dean draw out of him? Whatever that may be, Castiel only wants _Dean_ to be the one to hear them. He wants Dean to take him apart and put him back together again. Every first that he has in him, Castiel wants Dean to have them and he is more than willing to give them to him.

When Dean starts kissing across his chest to his other nipple, Castiel braces himself for this next apparently onslaught of sensation. It’s likely going to feel as good as the first and he’s not sure if he’ll be able to hold up to it. He’s already painfully hard in his jeans and he wants it deal with – preferably by Dean in whatever fashion he so chooses to do it by.

But then Dean starts talking again and Castiel is cruelly reminded of reality. “I’ve been with guys who don’t like their nipples played with, and I’ve been with guys who don’t like having their asses touched.”

His stomach drops at something he often tries to forget – Dean’s _other_ partners. He doesn’t know who they are or if Dean sleeps with the same ones more than once, but there are other people out there that get to touch him the same way Castiel is right now. There are other people who have pushed their hands through Dean’s hair. There are others who have tasted the sweat on his skin – and that’s something Castiel hasn’t even had the chance to do yet.

It’s a sobering reminder of what he’s not allowed to have and Castiel would dwell on it longer save for one thing. That thing happens to be Dean’s hands and the firm grip they have on his ass. Considering the fact that Castiel is wearing jeans, it’s rather impressive that Dean is able to grab it as hard as he does. Every squeeze sends lightning zigzagging up Castiel’s spine and it’s all he can do to just keep himself still. He’s never had anyone _grope_ him like this before and his first instinct is to pull away at the unfamiliar touch, but this is _Dean_ touching him and he couldn’t move even if he wanted to.

One particularly good squeeze precedes Dean continuing with his train of thought. “What’s your opinion on that?”

A better question would be, what were they talking about again? It takes a moment for Castiel’s thoughts to arrange themselves into something understandable again. Oh, yes. Dean had mentioned that there are people who don’t like having their nipples or their asses touched. Castiel _does_ have an opinion on that, but in the time it takes to find his words, Dean is already asking another question.

“Have you ever had fingers in your ass before, Cas?”

Only his own, but is Dean asking because he wants to do that? Castiel remembers the slick burn-stretch of his own fingers and how good it had felt to have them _in_ him. He also remembers how he had imagined that they were _Dean’s_ fingers. The fact that it’s extremely possible that his fantasy could be a very real reality as early as tonight is enough to send the heat stirring through Castiel into an incredibly dizzying spiral. His body moves without thought behind it and he pulls Dean up into another crushing kiss before he can do anything to his other nipple. Maybe that will be enough to get across that he is greatly enjoying the direction this conversation is heading.

By the time the kiss breaks, Dean is actually _panting_ against Castiel’s mouth. His lips tingle with the aftermath and pride swells behind his ribs that it was his clumsy kiss that has Dean like this. Something _Castiel_ has done was enough to make Dean’s fingers slip and fumble with pulling his jeans open. Castiel actually sighs with relief when the zipper is pulled down. But then Dean doesn’t even bother doing anything like pulling them down. Instead, what is does is _much_ better.

Castiel feels like he’s on fire the moment Dean’s hands push under his jeans _and_ his boxer-briefs. He’s too hot in his skin as Dean grips his ass again, skin to skin, and squeezes again. It’s better than when it was over the jeans. Dean is touching him and that makes _everything_ better. A whine keens behind his teeth and he rocks his hips back particularly hard, pushing into the grip Dean has in the hopes that he’ll do more – touch; kiss; taste; _anything_.

“Have you ever been fucked before, Cas?”

Maybe it’s the question, or maybe it’s how unexpectedly rough Dean’s voice is, or maybe it’s how the words are whispered directly against his lips, but everything all wrapped together has a hard shudder shaking through him. He can barely meet Dean’s eyes when he opens own. His heads is a hazy cloud of pleasure and they’ve barely done anything yet. How is he supposed to organize his words into a cohesive response that will actually make sense?

It takes him a second, but Castiel eventually gets something out. “I’ve used my own fingers, but I’ve never had – no one has ever –”

The truth about his virginity is balancing on the tip of his tongue, but the delighted light in Dean’s eyes cuts him off.  That, and how Dean’s hands are a vice on his hips and he’s already guiding Castiel to his feet. “Get your pants off and go to your bed, Cas.” He leans in for a quick kiss before he actually steps away, leaving Castiel feeling like he’s at a loss. “I’m gonna go get the lube from my room.”

If Castiel thought he was feeling overheated before, then he doesn’t even have words to quantify the sun he can feel scalding his cheeks. He’s going to be naked. In his bed. With _Dean_ and lube and – and – and oh dear God this is actually happening. Is he ready? He’s not sure, but he does know that he wants it. Or at least to _try_ whatever it is that Dean is planning to do next. If it ends up being more than he can take, then Castiel still has the power Dean gave him. He can call a stop to this whenever he pleases.

Right now, though, he wants to see where this is going. Castiel nods quickly, accepting Dean’s orders, and hooks his thumbs into the waistband of his underwear. Dean is already in his bedroom by the time Castiel gets his pants off. He picks them up off the floor, along with their long abandoned shirts, and folds them over the couch. It’s annoying to have to move around with an erection, but Castiel quickly strips his bed of his blanket, folding it in the same motions for convenience's sake. His hands shake slightly, but he attributes that to his nerves.

With the blanket safely over the arm of the couch where it won’t risk getting any sort of _stains_ on it, Castiel surveys his bed with a thoughtful eye. Now that Dean isn’t here and he isn’t touching him, he can think a little more clearly. The looming potential of what they might be doing soon is a distraction, of course, but Castiel tries not to think too much about that while he attempts to decide what to do right now. Dean said that he should get on the bed, but he feels like he should do something _more_ than that.

It comes to him in a flash of inspiration taking from the oddest source he’s ever used in his life. In one of the first pornos that he and Dean ever watched together, there were lesbians. Though Castiel didn’t pay much attention to the video while it was playing, he remembers that one of the women was not present at the start. The other woman had started touching herself before the absent woman arrived and she had seemed exceptionally pleased to find that her partner had started without her.

Would Dean have the same reaction?

That’s most definitely the kind of experiment Castiel that would like to try. He can hear Dean clunking around in his bedroom. It doesn’t take long to get the lube, so he’s bound to be back soon. Which means that Castiel window of opportunity to test this out is quickly diminishing. As he stretches out on the bed and spreads his legs, Castiel hopes that he won’t look _too_ awkward. Although he’s obviously masturbated in the past, he’s never done it in front of a mirror so he honestly has no clue what he looks like when he does this.

Castiel completely forgets the existence of the lube that he has in one of the drawers under his bed. He remembers it shortly after he pushes one spit-slicked finger in. It is, without a doubt, _much_ better to use the lube. The burn now is greater and he’s rushing a little more than he should so that he can at least have the process started before Dean gets back. But it still feels good. Castiel has only ever fingered himself once, but even just this one finger – barely even pushed into the first knuckle – feels as good as he remembers it.

And he wants _more_.

His free hand moves unbidden to his erection, using the already beading pre-come as a poor substitute for lube or lotion as he starts stroking himself. It only feels better when Castiel reminds himself that in just a few short moments, it will be Dean’s hands doing this to him again. Only in his wildest dreams did he ever allow himself to hope that this could be a reality and now it is. Of course there are some significant emotional differences regarding his fantasies and realities, but Castiel conveniently doesn’t think about those.

It’s a choked little whimper that notifies him that Dean is back in the room. Castiel forces himself to stop arching his head back into the pillow so that he can look toward the end of his bed.  Sure enough, Dean is standing there and the look on his face is all the answer Castiel needs to know he made the right decision. If he’s not careful, it will also be all he needs to come – and they’ve barely started. Just the way Dean is staring at him has Castiel’s body moving of its own accord, his hips start rocking to push his erection into his fist before pushing down onto his finger and taking it even deeper.

Dean’s eyes are far too wide and his mouth is hanging open. He looks surprised and hungry and like he’s a hair’s breadth away from throwing himself on the bed. There’s a colour burning dark in his cheeks and Castiel likes the look of it. It would be better if Dean was closer, because when he blushes, his freckles stand out more and Castiel loves being able to see them better. But Dean isn’t doing anything. He’s just _standing_ there. He’s not getting closer and he’s not touching him and it’s starting to drive him just a little bit towards desperation.

Maybe he can try luring him closer? “In the – the third video we watched –” He can barely breathe and he’s hardly done anything. “The woman in it, she – she started before her partner arrived. The other woman – she seemed – she looked pleased when she –” His words are so broken that he’s not even sure that what he’s trying to say is getting through to Dean.

“I’m pleased, Cas.” The look in his eyes certainly seems to corroborate his words. “Jesus fucking _Christ_ , I am _pleased_.”

He throws a bottle of lube and a latex glove on the bed and Castiel doesn’t even question them. His focused is completely on Dean and every step he takes closer to the side of the bed. Castiel can’t tear his eyes away from Dean’s hands undoing his belt and pulling open his jeans. With quick, practiced motions, Dean shimmies out of his jeans and his underpants in no time at all – and suddenly Castiel is faced with a very naked, very aroused Dean Winchester.

Before his brain can process beyond that one fact, and before he can properly commit this moment to memory, Dean has clambered onto the bed settled onto his knees between Castiel’s legs. For one brief moment, he feels horribly exposed. Castiel has to resist the urge to press his knees together and hide everything he’s doing from view, but that look of _wanting_ in Dean’s eyes is more than enough to keep him from actually moving.

When Dean picks up the latex glove and puts it on his right hand, Castiel has to bite his bottom lip and remind himself to keep working. He doesn’t particularly understand the need for the glove until Dean starts smearing lube on his fingers. Cleanliness. It’s obvious that Castiel didn’t exactly prepare himself for this moment, so Dean is likely only using a glove out of prudence. Which raises a whole new set worries and a small balloon of panic swells behind his ribs.

Castiel isn’t given much of a chance to dwell on that feeling or think further about it. Almost in the same moment that the panic forms, Dean leans over him and the bed dips as his weight is transferred to his left hand just shy of Castiel’s right side. And then he’s kissing Castiel again and all of his worries melt away at the first swipe of a tongue against his lips. With a happy groan, he opens to the kiss and closes his eyes to focus on that and only that.

But Dean is making that very hard to do when his lube-slicked fingers are stroking along Castiel’s perineum. It’s like every nerve in his body is now focused on where he’s being touched and his heart has never pounded so hard before. When Dean uses his wrist to nudge Castiel’s hand out of the way, he pulls both of them away and doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around his shoulders. He holds on as tight as he can and tries his best to stifle the whines punching their way out of him when Dean starts working one finger into him.

It’s just one finger, but it feels _so_ much better than his own. Castiel can’t even decide _how_ it’s better, but it just – it _is_. Someone else is touching him and that someone is _Dean_. It’s a touch that’s setting his whole body ablaze and Castiel wants to freeze this moment in time. He wants to keep it with him always so he can reflect back on it when he’s feeling lonely and needs some fuel for the fire Dean always causes to burn in the pit of his belly.

Which is entirely the reason why he makes a truly shattering, disappointed noise when Dean pulls away from him. “We need to move.”

Move? Move where? To his room? To the floor? Back to the couch? There are so many possibilities and Castiel can’t even voice one of them – if only because he’s too busy being unhappy about how Dean has taken his hand back. It was only one finger, but Castiel still feels empty. He wants _more_ – more of Dean; more experiences; more memories; more _everything_.

“Switch with me, Cas.” Dean murmurs, already pulling Castiel up into a sitting position. “This’ll be easier for us both if you’re above me.”

Castiel tries his best not to pout. So far, he is absolutely certain that he prefers having Dean above him and he was hoping for more of that. But, if this really will be easier for them, then he supposes that he should do it, right? He moves out of the way to let Dean lie down in his place, waiting to be told where Dean wants him to be. Is he going to sit over Dean’s stomach? His lap? It will have to be someplace where Dean will still be able to reach his –

A blush burns hot across his face when Dean slides down enough to leave plenty of room at the head of the bed. Castiel doesn’t need an explanation to know where Dean wants him to go. He bites his lip and crawls into place exactly where he’s directed to go – that being to kneel directly over Dean’s head. Oh God, what view must he have from that position? It’s so embarrassing that Castiel can’t even begin to imagine it. All he can do is stare at the wall and focus on the little things – like how Dean’s shoulders are pressing against the backs of his thighs.

Once Dean is fully settled, Castiel has no more need of feeling awkward or being concerned about their positions. It’s hard to be worried about anything when there are now _two_ fingers working into him. And Dean is doing a marvelous job of distracting Castiel from that too as he lifts his head and closes his mouth around the head of his erection. It’s too much stimulus and Castiel doesn’t even notice the sting in his hands when he slaps them both against the wall, bracing himself as he leans forward.

He can’t tear his eyes off what little he can see from his own vantage point. Castiel can actually _see_ every bit of his erection as it slips past Dean’s lips. This feels so wonderfully different from the other blow jobs he’s received, if only because Dean isn’t actually moving his head. Oh no, not at all. This time, the hand that he has on Castiel’s hip is guiding him to rock them back and forth in a slow, gentle rhythm. Needless to say, he can’t decide if he prefers rocking forward into the warm, wet heat of Dean’s mouth, or if he likes moving back against Dean’s fingers better.

If he thought _one_ fingers was amazing – two would almost be enough to make Castiel come. Obviously it’s not, because Dean is apparently under the impression that torturing him is a _fun_ thing. He’s been completely avoiding touching anywhere near Castiel’s prostate. Which means that Dean is also keeping his fingers rather shallow and it only leaves him itching for more. Castiel wants to know if the bursts of stars along his spine feel different when it’s _Dean_ who causes them.

When a third finger is finally worked in along the other two, it feels like every muscle in Castiel’s body is on fire. It’s only then that he realizes that Dean’s name is dropping from his lips in a pleading chant. How long has he been doing that? What else is his body doing without his consent? This is dangerous – so very _dangerous_. Having Dean touch him like this is clouding all of Castiel’s senses and he might very well do something – _say_ something – that he should never do. He needs to be more –

His cry actually echoes in the room when Castiel throws his head back. Dean answered his unvoiced prayers and the sparks crawling through his bones _absolutely_ feel better than when he did it on his own. Each breath comes on a gasp and the room couldn’t possibly get any hotter than it already is. He’s trembling so hard with trying not to move too much, but it’s so difficult! Every instinct he has is screaming to _move_ – to thrust into the delicious temptation of Dean’s mouth or ride his fingers harder, faster – more, God, _more_.

“ _Dean_.” Castiel’s voice scrapes through his throat when he speaks. Talking only drains him and it’s just getting to be too difficult to do now. He can’t hold himself up anymore and he leans forward to rest his head against the wall.

A long groan rumbles out of him as he’s fairly certain he can feel a _forth_ finger get worked in with the others after Dean takes a moment to get more lube on them. That groan turns into a disappointed whine when Dean doesn’t return to massaging his prostate. In fact, he even guides Castiel’s hips back far enough that he’s no longer sucking his dick.

“Dean. Dean, please. _Dean_. I’m –” He was getting so close. Why would Dean stop now?

But Dean seems to be ignoring everything Castiel is saying. He’s perfectly content to spend his time liking Castiel’s erection, working from the base to the head in long swipes of his tongue. His fingers aren’t really pushing in anymore either. Castiel wants them to move, but all they’re doing is gently stretching. That would be appreciated if Dean was actually going to be putting anything else in there today, but it’s extremely unlikely that he will. They never talked about having sex today and he didn’t bring a condom back from his bedroom.

So, _why_ isn’t he doing what Castiel wants him to do? He’s forcing Castiel to use his words, but doesn’t he know that his brain feels like it’s melting? Talking is just so _hard_ right now, though Castiel does make a valiant effort. “I’m – Dean, I’m close.” If that wasn’t already fairly obvious. “Please just – just a little more –” Hopefully begging will do the trick.

For one terrifying second, Dean actually pauses. Castiel’s head is hanging between his shoulders again and in that moment, he manages to open in his eyes. Dean is looking up at him and Castiel can just barely make out his smile. It’s a little bit devious and a little bit soft around the edges, and it’s the kind of smile that has Castiel’s heart crawling up into his throat. This is the kind of smile that Castiel has to fight himself to stop from sliding down the bed to kiss it – the kind of smile he wants to taste and savor and treasure forever.

And then the smile is gone – though it’s still there in Dean’s eyes. His mouth can’t show it any more as he lifts his head and does what Castiel has yet to manage, taking his dick almost to the root and swallowing around him. In the same instance, Dean pushes his fingers deep. It’s just what Castiel wanted and he lets Dean know how much he appreciates that with another shameless cry. He drops his hand from the wall to Dean’s hair, gripping it out of habit ( _habit_!) when Dean is merciless with rubbing at his prostate.

Castiel is fairly certain that he borders on a _wail_ as he comes. There are starbursts behind his eyes, magma in his veins, and he’s trembling so hard that it’s all he can do to stay upright. Meaning that as soon as he’s spent and Dean has withdrawn both his mouth and his hand, Castiel can barely lift his leg enough to swing it over to one side so he can slide down the bed to finally go limp. His very bones feel like they’re made of jelly and it is absolutely the best feeling in the world. _Ever_.

Somewhere under the foggy haze of pleasure filling his head, Castiel knows that Dean hasn’t yet had any attention given to him. Aside from the earlier grinding they did on the couch, he hasn’t been touched at all. And _that_ is a travesty if ever there was one. But Castiel can’t exactly move right now – not yet, at least. His arms are nothing more than boiled pasta and he can’t do anything to reciprocate until his hand are actually able to _grip_ something again.

Honestly, as good as the orgasm was (and it was _wonderful_ ) Castiel wishes that he had been the one under Dean. It would have been a marvelous thing to have been allowed to be the one to bring Dean pleasure before he receives it. That’s been the case between them the last few times that they’ve done this and Castiel can’t wait until the day that _he_ can make Dean come before him. At the very least, right now, he would like to be able to move and share with Dean at least a modicum of what he’s feeling right now – which, again, is absolutely magnificent and couldn’t possibly be beaten by anything else.

For a moment, Castiel wallows in that in between of afterglow and the itching desire to do more. He wracks his brain as it slowly returns to proper forms of thought to try and think of a way that he could return the favour, so to speak. If allowed, he could do the same for Dean as has been done for him, but Castiel is not so certain about how Dean feels about being fingered. For the life of him, he can’t remember at the moment if Dean has ever mentioned that he’s been on the receiving end of more than just a blow job when it comes to gay sex.

Thankfully, Dean saves him from having to think too hard. The glove is nowhere to be found when Dean’s hand gently touches his hip. With soft touches and a pleading look, Dean guides Castiel to roll over onto his side. He’s not quite ready to move and he groans at the effort it takes to carry out such a simple task as turning over. It places his back to Dean and the wall in front of him again – only this time Castiel is left with the very real possibility that they just might actually be engaging in anal sex tonight. He clings to his one solace; the reminder that Dean didn’t bring a condom out.

Dean is smart and thoughtful and altogether kind. He wouldn’t go to the lengths of using a rubber glove to keep his fingers clean and then proceed without a condom. Besides, didn’t he say that he wanted them to be tested first before they get that far? Yes, yes he did. Oh good. Then there’s nothing to worry about. Castiel doesn’t have to evaluate why he isn’t ready to take that step just yet, even after everything they’ve just done.

And that would also explain why Dean is currently spreading lube on Castiel’s inner thighs and not his sufficiently prepared hole. But before he can question why he would be doing such a thing, there is a very solid and very _warm_ body pressing up against his back. Dean gets as close as is physically possible and Castiel momentarily loses the ability to breathe. He doesn’t ask why Dean is lifting his leg or why he can feel the burning heat of his erection lay across his inner thigh.

Slowly, he lowers Castiel’s leg again and presses down on it. “Keep these closed tight.” His breath is a too hot gust against the back of Castiel’s neck, threatening to bring his softening erection back to full hardness. “Got it, Cas?”

Immediately, Castiel crosses his ankles. It’s the best he can do until he regains the ability to actually flex his muscles. Doing so earns him a satisfied pat to his thigh before Dean starts moving and – _oh_. His hips snap against Castiel’s with every sharp thrust, jarring his body in what he can only imagine to be the same way it would if Dean was actually _in_ him. Dean’s hand is on his hip, holding him still and in place and this is insanity. None of his erogenous zones are actively been touched, but Castiel’s heart won’t stop beating out an intricate and altogether dangerous tempo against the cage of his ribs.

Until they get tested, this is the closest Castiel can actually get to having sex with Dean. He absorbs everything that he can from it – the feel of skin burning against skin; the messy sound of the lube slicking the way for Dean’s dick; the way Dean is panting for breath against the back of Castiel’s neck, his lips brushing his hairline and the first knobs of his spine. God, he wants to feel those lips against every inch of his body. But more than that, he wants them on his own again.

It takes every ounce of his returning strength to reach back and grab Dean’s hip – though really it’s actually his backside, but Castiel is conveniently not thinking about that. Otherwise his head might explode at the mere thought of touching Dean’s _ass_. With the grip he has there, Castiel braces himself to twist at his core just enough to comfortably look back over his shoulder. He must be an accidental genius because now he’s helping pull Dean into every thrust. _Genius_. Castiel will absolutely need to remember this for the (hopeful) future.

But now Castiel needs to somehow find the words to ask for a kiss. And again, Dean saves him from having to do it. The moment he turns, Castiel finds Dean already propped up on his elbow. He leans into a messy meeting of lips and tongue, but it’s more than good enough to satisfy what Castiel has been craving since he was told to move to his knees. A moan escapes him when he realizes that the salty taste on Dean’s tongue is his own. There’s something altogether amazing (and just a tad bit gross) about being able to taste himself in Dean’s mouth.

In Castiel’s opinion, it’s far too soon when Dean’s grip on his hip tightens to the point that it is almost painful. He pulls back, leaving Castiel at a momentary loss when he doesn’t feel the hard line of Dean’s erection between his thighs anymore. But that is replaced with the warm mess of Dean’s orgasm painted across the backs of them. His momentary annoyance at the mess is easily overshadowed by his delight at once again playing a part in bringing Dean enough pleasure to come.

Besides, how can Castiel be upset with him when Dean is nothing but gentle while guiding him onto his stomach? And it’s rather considerate of him to do so, as it keeps the mess from getting on the sheets. Regardless, Castiel is still going to change them afterward. If he could keep Dean’s scent on them without the sanitary issues raised by sex, he would leave them as is. Unfortunately, that is not the case.

At least he can comfort himself with the fact that Dean is still lying much closer than he needs to, even though the bed is a single. His stomach is a scant few centimeters from Castiel’s hip when he rearranges himself on the sheets and props himself up on his elbow.

He graces Castiel with a wide, hopeful smile and a gentle hand on his shoulder. “So, was that okay?”

It takes a moment of self-evaluation for an answer to be found. Castiel combs through his emotions and his thoughts, weighing pros and cons, and considering things from all angles. On a physical front, that was _more_ than okay. On the other hand, he actually feels rather fine about this. He knows that he can’t have Dean’s heart and he’s slowly coming to terms with that. It felt good and he feels closer to Dean now than when they started.

With some effort, Castiel lifts his head and crosses his arms under his chin. He looks at Dean from the corner of his eye and considers his answer. It should be something to calm any worries that Dean might have. And maybe something funny? Yes, that sounds like a good idea.

“Despite the mess and the need to shower?” He smiles softly and tilts his head in a slight nod. “Yes, Dean, it was more than _okay_.”

Once again, Dean visibly relaxes and his smile turns easy. “Great!” This could only be better if Dean would touch his hair or lean in and kiss him again. But this is still just as good.

“Then you’d be up for more?”

Despite the weakness he still feels in his limbs, Castiel’s head lifts up sharply at the unexpected question. Dean can’t be serious. “ _Now_?”

His wide-eyed question somehow draws a laugh out of Dean. That’s always a nice result, but he frowns at it nonetheless because Dean sits up. Now he’s moving _away_ and that is the exact opposite of what Castiel wants. And just because it’s a _want_ is exactly why Castiel knows he can’t have it.

“Nah, Sam’ll be home before either of us could probably get it up again.” Dean stretches his arms above his head with a muffled groan before he leans back on his palms and looks to him. “I meant, maybe next week or sooner?”

And again there’s that little look of _hope_ in his eyes. How could Castiel ever say ‘ _no_ ’ to that? Besides, he wants to see how far this will go. It might have been brief, but he and Dean _were_ lying in the same bed together. That’s just a step away from how he’d _really_ like to share a bed with him, and Castiel knows that he has to settle for it. He might never get more than this, but it’s enough. For now. If he continues doing this with Dean, can he be satisfied with that?

With any luck he can be, and he might not be _too_ greedy.

“I could be persuaded.” Castiel nods again, hopefully coming across as playful as he’s trying to be.

Once again, Dean’s smile burns bright and makes that bubble of hope in Castiel’s chest grow just a bit. It’s not helped by how Dean reaches over and briefly runs his hand through his hair. And then he promptly ruffles it in a fond, yet annoying, gesture. Granted, Castiel would prefer it over Dean getting out of the bed, even if it gives him the absolute _loveliest_ view of Dean’s backside. If he didn’t prefer having Dean close, he could be more than happy with the sights from where he’s lying.

Getting to his own feet requires a little more work and whole lot of sliding across the entire bed. It’s the only way to keep the mess on his legs from getting on the sheets. Dean offers his hand to help him up and it’s greatly appreciated, considering how he likely would have ended up falling on his face. Castiel can be graceful when he’s comfortable, but this situation is well outside of his scope of knowledge. What does one even _do_ when their – their – bed partner? Yes, bed partner. What does one even _do_ when their bed partner has left a mess on their legs?

Castiel reaches back and touches his thighs. The results of Dean’s orgasm are quickly cooling. It’s sticky and a little bit gross and he can’t stop himself from frowning at Dean for just a moment. Would it be rude of him to go shower immediately and wash it all away?

Dean graces Castiel with a smile and a shrug in response to his frown before he turns away. “Hey, Cas, how much do you wanna bet that I’m going to be able to make you forget all the other partners you’ve had?” He takes his time picking up his pants and finding his shirts, completely oblivious to the fact that there _aren’t_ any other partners for Castiel to forget. “I mean, they weren’t even nice enough to fucking _blow you_. That’s just rude.”

When he turns around, Castiel honestly doesn’t know what to say to him. The right thing to say would be to tell Dean that he doesn’t have any past experiences. But he already knows he can’t say that. He’s too much of a coward to do it. Maybe he’ll be able to say it _after_ he – after what? After they sleep together? They might not even get to that point. And if they do, Castiel knows he’s going to feel terrible for not saying something sooner. But he just – he _can’t_.

He sighs and shakes his head, disgusted with himself for being so weak. “I’m going to take a shower first.” Castiel turns and heads for the bathroom, trying not to walk funny with the mess on his legs or the slight soreness working its way into his backside. That was _four_ fingers he was taking and it’s more than what he’s done before. It’s also only the _second_ time that he’s been fingered, after all.

The hot water feels _amazing_ , as usual. Castiel loves the water pressure here. It’s infinitely better than the weak spray the showers at the university had – whether in the dorms or in the changing rooms at the gym. Given the chance, he would happily spend eternity standing under the steady stream pounding against his shoulders. Castiel likes to think that it could somehow wash away his problems – just like it’s washing away the mess Dean left on his legs.

That on its own is rather weird, actually. He’s never had to wash off someone else’s release before. It’s always only ever been his own – not that he ever came on himself like this and certainly not in the same place. But that doesn’t feel nearly as weird as what’s happening _inside_ of him. There’s this big empty space lodged somewhere in his belly. That feeling is both sad and wanting; craving _more_ – physically _and_ emotionally. As curious as that feeling is, Castiel knows that he needs to pretend that it isn’t there.

Even with the calming water, his heart is still pounding and his hands continue to tremble slightly. He does his best to make them stop doing that by rubbing soap into his skin. While that may work, it does nothing to stop him from thinking about Dean’s implied promise that they would be doing this _more_. Dean essentially promised that they were going to have _sex_ together, and _soon_. That knowledge is still sinking in and Castiel takes a shaky breath as he rolls the thought around in his head.

Now every breath trembles as he takes it he leans his forehead against the wall. Without thinking, he starts to worry his bottom lip between his teeth. He both does and doesn’t want to have sex with Dean and he honestly  doesn’t know whether he’s going to agree to it until it happens. There is only one thing that Castiel knows for certain and it’s that he’s going to feel absolutely _horrible_ if he never clears up Dean’s misconception about the number of partners he’s had in his lifetime.

He can’t stand feeling like he’s lying to Dean. Castiel honestly _hates_ it. But he just , he just can’t bring himself to say anything about it yet – and that’s not the only thing. His throat is filling up with all the things he wants to say – to ask for – and he’s drowning in everything. There are so many wishes filling his head that he wanted to say out loud but swallowed back. Wishes like – like how he wanted to lay together on the bed for much longer than they did. He wishes that they could have held each other and spent the rest of the evening just doing that.

God help him, but Castiel wishes he could spend hours with his head on Dean’s shoulder while they talk. He could use the tip of his finger to trace nonsensical designs into Dean’s skin. They could be tangled up in each other and talk for hours, or share a comfortable silence together. It could be quiet and intimate and everything that Castiel wants. And it’s _killing him_ that he can’t say a thing about it to Dean.

What if saying something makes Dean stop? What if he’s so disgusted by these desires that he’s no longer comfortable with Castiel living here? What if – what if – _what if_ – There are just so many possibilities, both bleak and _amazing_ , but Castiel still wants all of them to stop. The good ones give him hope and that’s just as bad for him as the upsetting ones.

Why can’t he just be _happy_ with this? Why can’t he just enjoy what he and Dean have now? Castiel wants to be satisfied with what Dean is giving him and he doesn’t want to crave for more. He just – he wants to be happy _with_ Dean. But he knows he won’t be – not like he wants to be, at least. Castiel is happy to have this, but he’s always going to want more. He’s going to want _everything_. It’s going to take a lot of effort to keep his desires in check.

His sigh sounds weary to his ears. Castiel closes his eyes and hugs himself, turning just enough to allow the water to beat down on the back of his neck. The usual method of using a shower to clear his mind isn’t working to its full effectiveness today. Likely because Castiel just can’t forget the feel of Dean’s hands moving across his body. And he absolutely can’t stop thinking about what it felt like to have Dean’s lips on his tattoos and on his chest. He can’t stop reliving the kisses while Dean held him from behind – God, but Castiel has _never_ felt this close to Dean before.

It feels so – so _odd_ to be scared and excited for what’s about to come. But Castiel might be able to ignore it all if he just keeps focusing on one very important thing. Dean looked so _happy_ when they were done. He was happy and it was because of _Castiel_. If he can – and apparently it _is_ completely possible – he wants to keep Dean looking like that.

Maybe making Dean happy will be enough to make Castiel happier too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warnings:_
>
>> \- blow job  
> \- anal fingering  
> \- intercrural sex  
> \- bottom!Cas


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His voice drops into a hushed whisper, the kind that curls its way into Castiel’s ear. “When we get out of here, do you wanna make out in the car?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **There are no warnings for this chapter.**
> 
> This chapter takes place before and during [Chapter Four](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4088754) of the A Little Patience storyline.

He should have never come here. There’s really no point to him being here in the first place. Castiel _knows_ that he’s clean. There’s little chance that he’s carrying anything and he doesn’t need a test to know that. Besides, it’s not like he hasn’t done things with Dean that would have transferred _something_ between them already. And Dean is nearly positive that he’s clean too. They’re only doing this for posterity’s sake and to be _completely_ positive.

Because, honestly, Castiel is feeling more than a little paranoid. What if he _is_ carrying something and he just doesn’t know it? Or what if Dean has managed to contract something since the last time he was checked? It’s entirely possible, and no matter how Castiel tries not to think about it, he’s still _worried_. And he hates it. He wants to believe in what he knows and he wants to be able to trust Dean about this – and about everything.

Regardless, Castiel is still very nervous and he doesn’t want to be here. His right leg won’t stop bouncing and he’s doing his absolute best to keep from doing any more fidgeting than that. If Dean notices how anxious being here is making him, he might figure out _why_ Castiel is feeling like that and that could ruin everything. It’s just a few tests and they wouldn’t be the first he’s ever had. Mother was always conscientious about his health and he had yearly checkups.

Dean is both a blessing and a curse right now. He’s the whole reason that Castiel is here in the first place, but Dean is also doing wonders for keeping him calm. This is obviously not Dean’s first time here and he almost looks _comfortable_ while he picks his way through the waiting room with a clipboard and forms in each hand. He drops into the seat next to Castiel and hands one to him with a smile. It’s the kind of smile that has any and every built up worry melting away at it.

His heart skips a beat when Dean puts a hand on his knee to stop it from bouncing. “Calm down, Cas. This is fine. You’re acting like you’ve never been tested before.”

“I haven’t.” Castiel stares at the form in his hands and mentally crosses his fingers that this won’t upset Dean. “I’m sorry, I should have told you that before. But I know that I’m –”

“Hey, don’t worry about it.” Dean squeezes his knee before pulling the pen from his clipboard. “It’s totally cool. Not everyone is as proactive as me.” He laughs and graces Castiel with a wink. “I was just checking to make sure you knew what to expect.”

That makes Castiel’s stomach drop and he’s not exactly sure _why_. “What do you mean?”

The teasing smile Dean gives him doesn’t make him feel any better. “I mean that you’re going to be going in there to see the doctor and tell him what you want.” He gestures at the form. “Actually, that’s what those are going to do for you. But he’s still going to take all sorts of swabs and someone is probably going to take your blood.”

Well isn’t _that_ just lovely. Castiel stares at the clipboard and the blank spaces on the form waiting for his information. He doesn’t have any issue with needles or swabs, and he’s rather comfortable in the presence of doctors. There’s just something about this that’s making him nervous and he can’t focus long enough to figure out exactly what that might be.

“No orifice is gonna be safe, Cas.” Dean pokes him in the cheek with the end of his pen. “I hope you’re prepared for that.”

He is, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to like how invasive some of these tests are going to be. Castiel sighs and rubs a hand over his face. Luckily, he’s not all that concerned about being naked in front of other people anymore. Dean has effectively eradicated that feeling now that he’s very interested in stripping him entirely, even though all they’ve done over the last week or so is make out and swap blow jobs. But hopefully he won’t have to show the doctor his tattoo. He isn’t ready to show that to anyone else aside from Dean right now.

There must be something about his nerves showing on Castiel’s face because Dean leans in and puts his hand on his knee again. “If you’re uncomfortable, I could go in with you.”

As nice as that would be, Castiel shakes his head. “I’m an adult, Dean. I’ll be fine.” Besides, he’s not entirely sure that he would like to have Dean present when someone else touches him – and vice versa. He couldn’t stand watching a doctor touch Dean to take swabs and samples and God knows what else. It would be unbearable and already he can hardly stand it when Dean spends the night out.

Dean laughs and throws his arm around Castiel’s shoulder in a half hug. “Chill, Cas. I’m just teasing! You wouldn’t be in pre-med if you had issues with needles, right? You don’t need me to hold your hand.”

There’s nothing wrong with letting Dean think that’s why Castiel is nervous. He gives Dean a shaky smile and nods. “Exactly.” Besides, if this is going to be his future, then he might as well get a look at what it’s going to be like providing his services to the public.

Castiel ignores Dean’s muffled giggles and they both start filling out the form, carefully penciling in their names and what information they’re requesting. Hopefully he’ll be able to pay for all of these tests in cash so that they won’t show up on his bank records. Father monitors so many things that Castiel doesn’t actually know if his medical records are one of them, but he can only hope that he doesn’t. That would be an extremely awkward phone call that he doesn’t want to have to deal with.

Actually, Castiel has been thinking about this all week and he hasn’t yet thought of a single excuse for why he would be getting this particular set of tests. The best that he has is that he wants to ensure that he’s safe just in case he decides to be sexually active soon – which he already is, but that’s besides the point. But that would just start a long, self-righteous, and highly religious discussion about _why_ Castiel wants to distract himself from his studies with something as mundane as sex. And he’s definitely heard all of that before he moved across the country to live with Gabriel.

Or – the idea occurs to Castiel like a bolt from the blue and he pauses with filling out the form. The best way to get his father off his back is to find some way to relate what he’s doing to school. What if he said that he was accompanying a friend to the clinic as moral support and then decided to get a round of tests himself just so he could see what goes into the process? That might be enough to keep him from both the frying pan and the fire. He can only hope – and he’s most definitely _not_ going to bring this up unless Father does it first.

Dean is finished with his form well before Castiel is – likely because he’s already filled it out many times before. He doesn’t need to spend any time carefully reading through the whole thing. At least he holds back from saying anything else until Castiel is finished with his own. As soon as he’s signed his name at the bottom, Dean takes it from him and leans in again.

His voice drops into a hushed whisper, the kind that curls its way into Castiel’s ear. “When we get out of here, do you wanna make out in the car?”

Dear God, _yes_. As if he even needs to ask. Castiel fights the blush rushing in his cheeks and nods. He would very much like to make out with him. There isn’t a single moment during the day when Castiel _doesn’t_ want to kiss Dean. Morning, noon, or night, he’s always wanting and always waiting for the right time when they’re alone and Dean is willing. Kissing, holding, _anything_ as long as he can feel connected to Dean for just a little while.

Now Castiel actually has something to look forward to once they’re done with the tests. All he had before were plans to return home to study. His exams are quickly approaching and he’s even had to take a break from his Taekwondo for the next few weeks just so he can stay focused. If he gets his fill of kissing and touching Dean _before_ they get home, that might be enough to satisfying him and he won’t be preoccupied with thinking about it later.

That’s actually a very good theory and it’s one that he hasn’t put to testing yet. Castiel already knows that if he doesn’t do anything with Dean before studying, then his thoughts will absolutely stray to him throughout the course of his study period. He’s never actually done anything with Dean _prior_ to sitting down to study. This is absolutely going to require some extensive testing – if he can convince Dean to help him with his theory.

Judging by the smug look on Dean’s face as he gets up to take forms to back to the desk, Castiel is fairly certain that he would happily assist.

*

It might have been foolish to assume that Dean meant they would kiss in the car at the clinic, but Castiel is still disappointed when Dean doesn’t make any move to kiss him once they get into the car. Really, though, this is far too public a space for the both of them. People could see them through the windows – people they both know and do not know. And so far they’ve only ever kissed in the privacy of their apartment, and that’s only when they’re alone and all the locks have been drawn over the door.

Dean keeps glancing at him throughout the drive though. Castiel tries his best not to acknowledge it or look at him, but he’s keenly aware of everything happening on the driver’s side of the car. He feigns his ignorance to the subject, alternating between looking out the side window and staring out the windshield. Only once does Castiel actually catch Dean’s eyes at a red light and it feels strangely intense – like he’s staring into the sun.

The rest of the drive is finished with Castiel’s heart going jackrabbit fast. His fingers keep twitching against his thigh and he wants nothing more than to reach across the seat between them and hold Dean’s hand. That’s something they haven’t done yet and it’s as high up on Castiel’s list as cuddling. He wants to try them both and he wants to do them both to be with Dean. There’s so much that he wants to do and try and he still doesn’t know what he’ll be allowed.

But he is most definitely looking forward to finding out.

Castiel manages to control his desire to hold Dean’s hand, though it is a struggle. His hand stays firmly on his thigh even after they’ve pulled into the parking garage under their apartment building. Dean weaves his way through the many lanes until he finds his parking spot tucked away in a corner where the Impala will be safe from nicks and dents of other cars. It’s a wonder that Dean managed to get such a perfect spot. It would be of little surprise if Dean had actually sweet talked the building manager into giving him this spot just to keep his car safe.

The engine is still clicking as it cools down when Dean slides across the seat between them. By now, Castiel half thought that Dean might have forgotten his request to make out in the car. That semi-formed worry scatters into the wind as Castiel twists in his seat to face him, more than ready for a kiss. He’s been ready since Dean handed their forms into the desk attendant at the clinic. No, he’s been ready since _before_ that – since he woke up this morning to Dean standing half naked in the kitchen making breakfast for all three of them.

It takes everything in Castiel’s power to swallow back a confused whine when Dean takes hold of his chin and turns his face away from what would have been a very nice kiss. The whine is instead replaced with a short, surprised gasp as Dean presses a kiss to the side of his neck. Without prompting, Castiel tilts his head out of the way, exposing as much of his throat as he can. Dean has never given him _neck kisses_ before and already chills are chasing themselves up and down his spine in anticipation for what he hope is to come.

He isn’t disappointed.

Dean starts by pressing soft little kisses along what little bit of Castiel’s collar bone is exposed by his shirt. His hand is on Castiel’s thigh, squeezing lightly as his kisses move up along his neck. Castiel’s can’t manage anything more than short breaths, gripping Dean’s arm and waiting to see where this is going. An unbidden groan rumbles across his tongue when the kisses become less gentle and less like _kisses_. As he works his way up Castiel’s throat, they gradually become Dean simply mouthing at his neck. Every scrape of his teeth has Castiel’s breath hitching and his grip tightening.

There is no stopping the shudder that shakes his whole body, or the sharp groan that accompanies it, when Dean’s tongue curls under his earlobe and he sucks it between his lips. His teeth catch at it too, sending all manner of shivers racing through Castiel. Heat is starting to slide through his veins, gathering in his belly and making the already warm confines of the car almost unbearable. Castiel had no idea that his ears could make him feel this good.

This is torture. He wants more of this – he wants Dean to find all the places on his neck and ears and everywhere that makes him feel like this. But, at the same time, he wants proper kisses. God, but he wants that so badly and Dean is just too focused on Castiel’s ear and neck and jaw. All he can do is whimper and wait and hope – and groan against Dean’s lips the moment he finally kisses him. He melts against him and doesn’t hesitate to wrap his arms around his shoulders.

At no point in the many months that he’s had feelings for Dean did he ever think that he would actually be _familiar_ with the taste of him. But Castiel knows it intimately and it only heightens what arousal is starting to burn through him. With the way Dean keeps squeezing his inner thigh, Castiel can’t decide if this is going to go further than just making out. He also can’t decide if that’s something he wants and would readily be a part of – especially when they’re still not behind locked doors.

By the time they pull apart, Castiel _does_ want more. And it’s why he chases after the kiss, catching Dean’s bottom lip between his teeth. That earns him a soft noise and another few minutes of kissing. Dean almost has him pressed up against the passenger door and it’s making Castiel feel giddy – giddy and greedy and he still wants _more_. He needs to get back to studying, but he just can’t stop right now. Stopping is just – it’s _impossible_.

“Fuck.” Dean hisses against his lips. “If Sam wasn’t upstairs right now –” He squeezes Castiel’s thigh particularly hard, his hand slipping upwards an inch or two. “Shit, Cas, I wouldn’t be able to wait for the results of our tests.”

His head is so fogged with every delicious feeling that crowds his body when Dean kisses him that it actually takes Castiel a moment to realize what he means. When it clicks, he pulls Dean closer and kisses him harder. There’s a certain exhilarating factor to knowing that _Dean Winchester_ wants to sleep with him, and it’s making Castiel feel dizzy. His brain feels like it’s falling apart and he can barely remember how to twist his tongue like Dean has done to him several times before. He must get it right, and it apparently comes as a surprise, because Dean makes a startled – though pleased – sound and all but completely sags against him.

To Castiel’s unending frustration, Dean does end up drawing back again. “You’re not making this easier.”

“I’m not trying to.” Castiel had thought it obvious that he doesn’t want the kisses to end.

“You asshole.” Dean laughs and carefully pulls Castiel’s arms from his shoulders. “As much as I’d kill to just spend the rest of the day getting it on with you in Baby, you’ve got studying to do.” Despite his words, he still takes the opportunity to palm Castiel’s crotch, looking amused at how Castiel is half-hard in his pants. “C’mon, let’s go before Sam starts to wonder why this little pick-up errand of ours is taking us so long.”

In all fairness, they didn’t lie to Sam about having an errand. Castiel had a box of clothes that he needed to pick up from Gabriel’s apartment and Dean had volunteered to drive him instead of having Gabriel bring it over. The trip to the clinic had been a complete surprise to Castiel, as had the plan that if Sam ends up asking about what’s taken them so long then he needs to say that they stopped somewhere for a bite to eat.

The end of the kissing is always Castiel’s least favourite thing about this new facet of his friendship with Dean. He hates when they have to draw apart, and right now he hates it even more because he’s mildly aroused and he knows that he isn’t going to get any relief from it soon. The best that Castiel can do is huff and glower at Dean while he carries his box of summer clothes to the elevator. Of course, he could always try and distract himself from thinking about where things could have gone.

Once they’re in the elevator, Castiel glances at Dean. “Sam’s birthday is going to be soon, right?”

Dean looks away from watching the numbers of the floors and nods. “Yeah, it’s on the May second.” And that’s just a few weeks away.

“Do you have plans?” He’s curious to know how his living with them will affect how they’re going to celebrate Sam’s birthday.

“Well, I dunno.” He shrugs and looks down at the floor for a moment. “He’s not gonna be able to drink legally yet for another year, so I’ll probably just take him to some dumb restaurant that he wants to try.” A troubled look crosses his face and he sighs loudly. “I don’t know what the hell to get him, though. He’s always had issues with asking for the shit he wants so he never says anything to me about anything.”

Castiel clears his throat and shifts his weight slightly, adjusting the box in his arms. “I have a suggestion, if you don’t mind listening to it.”

“At this point, Cas, I’d listen to your _brother_ about what to get for Sam.”

That makes them both laugh. “I wouldn’t suggest going as far as that. Gabriel is notoriously bad about giving gifts. It’s always something ridiculous.”

“Gag gifts? Yeah, I can see it.” Dean grins and shakes his head as they step out of the elevator onto their floor. “C’mon, Cas, hit me. What do you think I should get?”

He hopes that he isn’t going to be out of line by suggesting this. “I was thinking about a new laptop. Perhaps not _new_ , but at least a refurbished one that is in better condition than his current one.” It would still be an expensive gift, but Castiel knows that it’s something Sam would like. “The one that he has now has been crashing on him recently.”

Dean looks to him sharply, surprise evident in his eyes. “What? He hasn’t said anything about it to me!”

Castiel shrugs and shuffles his feet, feeling a little awkward for having brought this up. He thought that Dean knew about Sam’s computer issues. “I’m not sure why he hasn’t mentioned it, but I told him that he could use mine if his starts giving him too much trouble. I just thought that a newer one might be a nice gift.” His current one is kind of… well, it’s just _old_ and rather bulky.

With a sigh, Dean rubs a hand through his hair. “Yeah, it would be nice for him.” But there’s a frown on his face, though Castiel can’t decide if it’s a good one or a bad one. “I’ll talk to Bobby and Jess and see if they want to pitch in for it. We’ll figure something out. But it _is_ a good idea.” He gives him a grateful smile. “Thanks, Cas.”

Of course Dean would ask Bobby and Jess for help. They’re practically family to him and Sam. Meanwhile, Castiel is just a friend. As a friend, would it be inappropriate of him to offer to help out with it? He’s going to have to wait and see about what Bobby and Jess say, and if Dean will still be able to afford a third of the gift with their help. If it’s too much trouble for them, Castiel is more than willing to step in and help out.

And if that plan fails and they’re just fine without him, he’ll have a back-up plan to find something else for Sam.  Maybe he can find a nice new backpack that’s more ergonomic than his current one, or a laptop case. Whatever happens, Castiel is still excited for Sam’s birthday. He didn’t really become _friends_ last year with Sam and Jess until after Sam’s birthday. But now he _lives_ with him and this year it’s sure to be a fun time – hopefully.

*

With his first exam coming up in a few days, Castiel has been forcing himself to focus on nothing but his studying. His nose is to the grindstone, as his father would say, and he’s not planning on stopping any time soon. He _needs_ to ace every single one of his exams to keep his father off his back and he’s not about to ruin things now. It’s even to the point that he hasn’t even had to try very hard to keep himself from dwelling on the change to his relationship with Dean.

There are a lot of things that Castiel doesn’t notice during the day when he’s in his zone for studying. He forgets to eat and will refuse to get up to go to the washroom until he’s reached a place he deems appropriate for stopping. And often times he’ll completely forget that there are other people in the room, tuning out all manner of noise so he can focus completely on the subject at hand. It can be a bit of a problematic mindset – which is why Castiel doesn’t like descending into ‘the zone’ so fully unless it’s for important exams.

It gets to the point that he doesn’t even notice when a phone is ringing – whether it’s his own or someone else’s. Which is to say that he doesn’t hear the one ringing in the other room, and he most definitely doesn’t notice who gets up from the living room couch to go answer it. Both Jess and Sam are here to study too. They’ve taken over the living room while Castiel is monopolizing the entire kitchen table for all of his supplies.

The only thing that ever pulls Castiel out of his zone is when something in his environment directly interacts with him. In this case, it’s Sam stomping into the kitchen and throwing a cell phone down on the table. That particular phone scatters some of Castiel’s papers and he lifts his head to frown at Sam for doing it. But Sam isn’t even paying attention to him. He’s stomping around the kitchen to pull open the fridge and stare at its contents.

With a sigh, Castiel moves the phone and rearranges his papers. Off hand, he recognizes that the phone is Dean’s. Apparently he forgot it at home today. Hopefully he hasn’t missed any calls because, for some ungodly reason, Dean doesn’t have a package with his carrier that includes voicemail. That doesn’t explain why Sam is throwing Dean’s phone around, but then again, that’s none of his business. Castiel has studying to do and he can’t let something like this distract him for long.

But he _can_ let his own phone steal his attention when it rings. “Hello?”

“Good day. Is this Castiel Collins?”

“It is. May I know who is calling?” He pins the phone between his ear and shoulder and finishes putting his notes back in order.

“Hi, this is Nadira from the clinic.” Castiel drops his pen and sits up straighter. “I’m just calling with the results of your tests. There’s no need for a follow up because you’re all sorts of squeaky-clean, sir, but if you would like a copy of your report you can pick it up from our office. If you have any questions, I can also schedule you for a meeting with our physician.”

Oh no, he’s definitely fine with that. He clears his throat and shakes his head, despite how she can’t see it. “Thank you for letting me know. I have no further questions and you can just dispose of the report, thank you.”

“You’re welcome, sir. Have a good day.” Nadira hangs up without waiting for a response. She probably has a million other phone calls to make, do Castiel doesn’t fault her for it.

He’s halfway through typing a message to Dean about his results before he remembers that Dean’s phone is literally sitting right beside him. Well then, Castiel might as well just wait until he gets home from work to tell him. But now when will Dean get his results? And what will that mean for _them_? Since their visit to the clinic, they haven’t done much more than the occasional blow job and quite a bit of kissing – basically whatever they could fit between Castiel’s studying schedule and Dean’s work shifts.

Okay, _okay_. There’s no point in thinking about this now. He has too much studying to do. Castiel puts his phone aside and grabs a highlighter. There are equations to memorize and practice problems to go over and – and a Sam to lecture for slamming the fridge door like that. He turns around in his seat to say something about it, but Sam beats him to it.

“Does it gross you out that Dean sleeps around?”

The question is met with silence. Jess must have heard because she pauses the music playing in the living room. Castiel has his mouth open, but there are no words or sounds coming out of it. He doesn’t like Dean’s penchant to sleep with strangers, but that doesn’t mean it disgusts him. All it does is make him jealous, and a tad confused. Sam’s words are much too harsh to describe Castiel’s feelings on this particular matter – not that he would ever say anything about it anyways.

It takes him a moment to find the ability to give some kind of answer, but it sounds pathetic even to his own ears. “No?”

Sam doesn’t seem to care about Castiel’s answer. There’s a storm brewing on his face and he starts pacing the kitchen angrily. “It’s _irresponsible_ of him.”

Jess turns around on the couch, settling on her knees while she crosses her arms over the back of the couch. “Sam, babe, where the hell is this coming from?”

He points at the phone sitting conspicuously next to Castiel’s on the kitchen table. “That was a _clinic_ that just called for him.” His frown gets even deeper. “I answered because he doesn’t have voicemail and all I find out is that he went and got another damn set of STI tests! Did you know that he goes and gets one, like, every other month? Do you know expensive that gets? He wouldn’t need to get them if he didn’t sleep around so much!”

Castiel bites his lip and turns away to look back down at his notes, trying to hide whatever might show on his face. “If that’s how Dean chooses to live his life, then it’s not our place to say anything about it.” As true as that may be, he still wishes Dean didn’t have to do it.

“You really don’t have any problem with it, Cas?” Jess asks quietly and she honestly looks curious when Castiel turns to look at her. “I thought at least your upbringing would have affect your views on this. Or is it something else?”

“I don’t have a problem with it.” He shakes his head and hopes that he’s keeping a straight face. Of _course_ he has a problem with it, but it’s for entirely different reasons than any of the reasons that Jess or Sam would likely first consider. “If Dean is happy living his life this way, it shouldn’t be a bother to any of us. His choices in life are none of our business.”

Sam doesn’t appear to like that answer. He stomps across the kitchen to snatch up Dean’s phone. “But it’s not _safe_.” Whatever he’s looking through on the phone, Castiel knows without a doubt that Dean would likely not want him to be doing that. “Look at all these numbers, Cas. Some of them don’t even have actual _names_.”

The last thing Castiel wants is to see proof of Dean’s night time fun, but Sam insists on shoving the phone in front of his face. He doesn’t look away fast enough and his stomach turns at what few lines of it that he caught. _Red-head @ Hi-Low_ and _Mr.T Look-Alike @ Crossroads_. Oh God, he’s never going to be able to get back to studying now. His curiosity is going to want to know just how many numbers are in that phone and he absolutely doesn’t want to think about it any further.

“I’d be fine with it if Dean knew who these people were and knew their histories and their goddamn _names_.” Sam hisses and drops the phone again. “Hell, I’d even be cool with him having fuck buddies. But what he’s doing right now just isn’t _safe_.”

A chill sweeps through him and Castiel just barely manages to keep himself composed. “You – You’re accepting of fuck buddies?” He curses the fact that his voice still gives out on him as his nerves climb higher and higher. If Sam is accepting of fuck buddies, like what Castiel is going to be with Dean, does that mean he would be accepting of _them_? Does that mean they wouldn’t need to be so secretive about everything that they’re doing?

“Well, yeah, of course. They’re a friend that you sometimes have sex with. There’s nothing wrong with that.” Sam shrugs. “I just don’t like that he’s sleeping with _strangers_ – and more than one per week. I’m worried about his _safety_ , Cas. Not his morality. If he was safer about it, I wouldn’t give a damn about how many peoples he sleeps with.”

“I see.” Castiel nods once and turns back to his notes, hoping to put an end to their conversation. It’s making him just a bit uncomfortable, and it’s going to be impossible for him to keep focused when it feels like he’s going to throw up just from thinking about Dean sleeping with other people. He’s trying so very hard to completely ignore that facet of their upcoming fuck buddy relationship.

Unfortunately for him, turning away from Sam does nothing to stop him from venting. Even Jess’s pointed sighs can’t stop him as he launches into a fairly impressive rant about all the different kinds of infections and diseases that Dean could get from sleeping with people he barely knows. He even goes into detail about just how every single one of those would affect Dean and all his current or future partners. It’s a very disturbing rant – and one that Jess objects over loudly.

Of course Castiel is already aware of everything that Sam is talking about. He was given quite the thorough education about all manner of STIs rather early on in life. His parents apparently deemed it to be entirely appropriate to show somewhat traumatizing pictures of the results of unsafe sex to a pre-pubescent boy in the hopes of keeping him from being like – well, like _Dean_. There is a proper way of teaching sex education and Castiel feels like they just didn’t go about it the right way.

While Sam rants, Castiel pretends he’s listening just like he pretends to be studying. He’s staring at the paper and his eyes are going over the words, but nothing is being actually _read_. Is Sam this upset because Dean’s results came back with an issue? At least Castiel knows that he’s clean, but he can’t help being worried that Dean might have something. If he does, will that mean that they’re not going to proceed any further than they have now until Dean is cured – if possible?

It would completely rude for Castiel to ask about Dean’s results, wouldn’t it? He bites his tongue and holds back the questions he’s just dying to ask. But now he’s just completely distracted. There’s no going back to studying now that he can’t think about anything other than Dean’s results and what they might be. More than that, he just hope that this doesn’t ruin the rest of the day for all of them. It is, after all, a very important day.

Today is Sam’s twentieth birthday and Castiel wants it to be good for him. This morning, he hugged Sam and gave him a card. At this point in time, he doesn’t exactly have a gift for him, but he’s prepared nonetheless. To his knowledge, Dean and the rest of his small family are still planning to buy him a laptop. In that case, Castiel is going to either get Sam some new accessory or he’ll just give him some money or a gift card for him to pick out one that he would like himself.

All that aside, there’s still the rest of Sam’s birthday to go. Wouldn’t it be a bit silly if a little phone call that wasn’t even for him is enough to upset the rest of the day, right? Well, no, not really. Sam is simply worried about Dean’s health and his safety. Those are all very normal things to be worried about for one’s brother. But still – Sam is perhaps going a little overboard. How long has his rant been going on now? It must have been a while. It feels like it’s been going for an hour.

“Okay, that’s enough.” Jess raises her voice to cover over Sam’s and she actually stands up on the couch. “Sam, babe, shut up. Cas has studying to do and so do we. You’ve got an exam tomorrow morning, so you damn well better get your ass back in here and keep studying for it. Otherwise, I’m going to go home and you can study on your own.”

Castiel actual breathes a quiet sigh of relief when Sam stops his pacing. Even the rant cuts short. Though he doesn’t look to check, Castiel is fairly certain that Sam and Jess are glaring each other down from the opposite sides of the apartment. It takes a long moment before Sam finally sighs and stomps out of the kitchen. When the music starts up again, Castiel shakes his head. It’s not nearly loud enough to drown out their heated whispers as they continue arguing back and forth.

Eventually, silence does fall between them again. As thankful as Castiel is for that, he still can’t drag his thoughts back to his studies. It takes _ages_ to dam up his distracting thoughts and get back to work, but that only lasts for what few hours they have before Jess has to pack up. Her part time job scheduled her for tonight and she can’t afford to miss shifts – even if it _is_ exam season.

“I wish I could stay, babe.” She pauses at the door with Sam and kisses him on the cheek. “But I couldn’t get today off. I wanted to spend it with you without the exams getting in the way.”

“It’s cool.” Sam wraps her in a hug and Castiel averts his eyes as he waits for them to say their goodbyes. “I see you every day, Jess. My birthday isn’t anything special to worry about.”

That just makes her huffy and she frowns up at him. “Yes it is.” But her frown melts into a hopeful smile. “And please don’t be too hard on Dean when he gets home.”

Castiel winces. He knows what she means by that, but he still wishes she hadn’t mentioned it again. Now Sam is going to get irritated again and, since Jess is leaving, she won’t have to deal with the fall out. If Castiel has to listen to Sam rant about Dean’s sex life again, he might just feign intestinal distress and camp out in the bathroom with his laptop.

Jess covers Sam’s mouth with her hand when he opens it. “It’s your birthday. Don’t judge him too much. I want you boys to have fun tonight, okay?”

Sam rolls his eyes and pushes her hand away. “I don’t even know what we’re going to be doing.”

“That’s because Dean likes to surprise you.” Her smile brightens even more and she glances at Castiel with a hopeful eye. “Isn’t that right, Cas?”

He nods and shuffles forward until she gives him his own hug goodbye. “Of course. Dean takes much delight in surprising the people he cares about – and he cares about no one more than he does you, Sam. I’m sure you’ll love tonight.”

Jess nods in agreement. “Exactly. And, Cas, you make sure that they behave themselves and have some fun tonight, okay? I’m trusting you here.”

A flush burns in Cas’s cheeks and he shakes his head. “I wish I could, but I’m not going to be intruding on their family plans. This is just their –”

Now it’s his mouth that Jess covers. She doesn’t say anything, but she gives Sam a pointed look. He just shrugs and shakes his head. “I’d like him to come with, but we’re going to have to wait and see what Dean says – and what he can afford.”

“He’s definitely going to say that Cas can come with.” Jess sniffs defensively and steps back, a wide grin spreading across her features. “Because he totally loves you, Cas. You’re family and he’s going to want you to come with. Just watch.”

Well that’s just _cruel_ and Castiel can’t even fight back his blush as it starts burning in his ears. All he can do is nod, wish Jess a safe trip home, and return to the table while Sam walks her downstairs. Chances are, he’s going to walk her a few blocks back to her campus apartment too. Which means that Castiel is now alone in the apartment with nothing but his thoughts to keep him company. And the only thing that he can think about is how badly he wishes that Jess was right.

If Dean really did love him, Castiel could die happy. He can’t think of anything he wants more than that and it makes his chest ache to think about it. No, no, _no_. Castiel needs to stop his brain before it gets caught up in the depressing spiral of the hopes and wishes he knows won’t ever come true. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to find his center and clear his head. It’s a complete waste of his time and energy to hold any hope for something as improbable as Dean loving him.

Castiel is a realist. He’s not going to try and trick himself into thinking it’s possible. He’s happy with what little he has and what little he might be given in the future – depending on the results of Dean’s tests, of course. All he needs to do is keep reminding himself of that. He is _happy_. This is enough for him.

Maybe he’ll start believing that someday soon.

*

Dean has barely taken two steps into the apartment when Sam is on him. After Jess left, he moved into the kitchen to share in using Castiel’s laptop. He had been using Jess’s while she was here. His own can only last all of ten minutes before it starts to overheat now and Castiel _really_ hopes that the others will get him a new laptop for today. It’s even more necessary now than it was when he told Dean about it a few weeks ago.

The moment they hear the door open, Sam is out of his chair and takes up a stance in the entrance to the kitchen. His arms are crossed and he does _not_ look happy. Castiel stays where he is at the table, trying his best to be as unnoticeable as possible. He doesn’t want to get dragged into whatever fight Sam is gearing up for, and it is a rather embarrassing one at that – one that has Castiel fighting against a blush yet again. All he can do is hope and keep his fingers crossed that this won’t be as big of a spat as it has the potential to be.

“The clinic called with your _results_.” Sam hisses, and he sounds about as happy as he did when he answered the phone earlier.

After a moment, the door closes with a slow click. “Just my luck that they call my cell the one day that I forget it at home.” Dean sounds like he’s smiling and Castiel has to fight the urge to look over and see it for himself.

If Dean _is_ smiling, it’s doing nothing to stop Sam from sounding _very_ displeased. “I only answered it because _someone_ doesn’t have voice mail.” Castiel can actually hear the eye-roll in his voice. “They said you’re clean and you can pick up the report if you want it.”

That ball of worry in Castiel’s chest releases in that instant and his whole body relaxes. He sits back in his chair and finally allows himself to look at the brothers. Dean’s smile is bright and amused, even though Sam is still standing with his arms crossed and his shoulders set in an unhappy line.

“Got’cha. Thanks, Sammy.” He starts patting down the front of his jacket as if he’s looking for something. “And I promise I’ll get voicemail when I make friends with someone who doesn’t know how to work a damn text message.”

Actually, Dean has a point. Gabriel never leaves a voicemail message. If Castiel misses his call, he always hangs up and sends a text message instead. The only people that he knows who actually _leaves_ messages are his parents – and such places as doctor’s offices or other organizations. But it’s still a helpful thing to have, so it’s a bit ridiculous that Dean has a carrier package that doesn’t have it. Aren’t those standard with most packages anyways?

Sam’s hands move to his hips and he shakes his head. Clearly Dean’s attempt to distract him isn’t working nearly as well on him as it is on Castiel. He’s still stuck on the fact that Dean went to a clinic in the first place. “If you didn’t sleep around as much as you do, you know you wouldn’t have to get tested all the time, right? It’s not safe and it’s not healthy, Dean, and you know –”

“I _know_ that I don’t want you to start that holier than thou shit with me today, Sammy.” Dean cuts him off and Castiel would applaud him for it if Sam wasn’t standing right there. He has no interest in listening to that rant for a second time today. Besides, it’s much more fun to see the way Sam brightens up the moment Dean reaches into his pocket and pulls out what is unmistakably a very specific kind of card for Sam. “Not on your _birthday_.”

Castiel has to cover a laugh and his smile at the immediate change in Sam’s demeanor. Even though Dean is the same height as him, he still manages to keep the card out of reach as Sam starts grabbing at it. “You remembered!”

As if Dean would ever forget Sam’s birthday. He thinks the world of his brother and does so much for him. Nothing in this world would make him forget such an important day. Sam likely only thinks that because Dean left this morning without wishing him a happy birthday. But Dean was in such a rush this morning that he barely had time to say anything to anyone, _and_ he forgot his phone too. Which means that he couldn’t text Sam any well wishes either.

“Have I ever forgotten?” Dean laughs and he just looks so delighted at Sam’s excitement that Castiel’s heart melts just a little more. He eventually does hand over the card with a smile that could brighten any day. “Once you’ve read that and been disappointed by the lack of money in it, go get your ass cleaned up and changed. I’m taking you to that God awful vegan place you fucking love and we gotta go right away so we’ll have time to hit the computer store after.”

Castiel can’t help a smile of his own. It looks like they _are_ getting Sam something that he actually needs and really wants but could never bring himself to ask anyone for it. And even though this is something that would obviously please Sam, he still pauses in opening his card and sounds a little too surprised. “Computer store? No way, Dean, you can’t afford to get me –”

Dean holds up his hand to cut him off. “I can afford it when I’m not the only one going in on the gift.” He reaches out and grabs Sam by his shoulders, forcibly turning him around before giving him a shove back into the kitchen and toward the hallway. “Bobby and Jess are chipping in, so don’t expect to get anything from the.” After a brief pause, he adds. “Jess can come tonight too, if she wants.”

“She has an evening shift tonight.” Sam only takes a few steps before he turns around again. He looks and sounds hopeful. “What are we going to get at the computer store?”

It might be too forward of him, but Castiel can’t hold his tongue anymore. He’s too excited for Sam to be getting a gift that he actually _wants_. With his pen, he taps the edge of the monitor on his own laptop to catch Sam’s attention. “You’ve used this more in the last week than I have.” Castiel pauses and looks to Dean, hopefully not stepping on his toes here. “I’m also going to be putting my name in so you can get a new laptop that doesn’t crash on you twice a day.”

Only after he’s spoken does he realize that he just spoiled the surprise. Dean might have been waiting until they were at the store to tell Sam what they were getting for him. Oh God, how could he have been so stupid? He just wanted to be a part of the conversation and now he might have just gone and ruined everything. What if Dean gets angry at him for it? What if he doesn’t want Castiel to –

“I love you guys.” Sam cuts into Castiel’s paranoid thoughts with a smile bright enough to rival Dean’s.

Incidentally, Dean’s smile hasn’t waned even slightly. He does roll his eyes and shake his head, but he’s not giving off any kind of hint that he’s upset while he follows Sam through the kitchen. “Don’t get emotional over a computer, Sammy. It’s embarrassing.”

Maybe Castiel _didn’t_ ruin things after all. But, just in case, he turns back to his studying so as not to draw attention to himself any more. That does nothing to keep Dean from stopping before he crosses the hallway to his bedroom. In fact, he even turns around to face Castiel and raises his eyebrows at him. “Cas, you coming to dinner with us?”

His heart skips a beat and Castiel slowly looks up from his homework. He doesn’t want to do anything to ruin his chances of actually being allowed to join them on this family party. “If I’m invited.”

Sam isn’t even in the room anymore, but he’s apparently still paying attention to the conversation. “Of course you are!” He shouts from his bedroom. “You’re family now, Cas. Embrace the way of the Winchester. You’re never getting rid of us!”

 _Family_. Do they actuallythink that much of him? It’s making Castiel’s insides do all form of somersaults and he can’t stop himself from smiling at that. He feels so warm and happy and this is better news than the fact that both of their test results came back clean. Dean’s smile is only making these feelings worse.

“You heard the birthday boy, Cas.” He winks and gestures for Castiel to follow after him. “You’re gonna have to change too.” Which is obvious, since he’s only wearing sweat pants and a sweater and these are not proper clothing for going to a nice restaurant. “Come talk with me about how we’re going to do this computer thing. But only if you don’t care that I’m going to be down to my skivvies.”

Castiel shrugs and cleans up his notes a little before he stands. “I don’t mind.” An understatement, to be sure. Dean would be hard pressed to stop Castiel from joining him when there’s the promise of seeing him in any state of undress.

It might be a bit wishful of him, but he closes the door behind him once he’s inside. If asked, Castiel will obviously state that he’s done it for Dean’s privacy while he changes clothes – even if the only other person around is Sam and it wouldn’t be anything else he’s never seen. At least Dean doesn’t object that Castiel shut the door. Instead, he just gestures for Castiel to sit on the bed while he turns his back to it to start rooting around in his closet for clothing.

The silence in the room feels just a little too overwhelming and Castiel can only stand it for a short while. He clears his throat after a moment and keeps his voice to nothing more than a loud whisper – just in case Sam might hear them. “My results are clean too.”

“Excellent.” Dean laughs and gives him a thumbs up over his shoulder, but he doesn’t turn away from picking tonight’s outfit. “Sorry if that embarrassed you or something. I was late for work this morning and I didn’t realize I forgot my cell until I was halfway to the garage.”

“It’s fine.” A smile comes to his lips and Castiel leans back on his hands. Dean hasn’t started stripping yet, so Castiel takes the moment to look around the room and see if there’s anything new since the last time he was in here. “However, you do owe me for the hour long rant I was subjected to while Sam complained about your sex life.”

Even with Dean’s back to him, Castiel can still tell he winces at that. “Shit, sorry.” He turns around to throw a shirt and some jeans onto the bed. “I’ll make it up to you later.”

Before Castiel can question him about what he might to for that, Dean grins and winks at him. Heat starts filling his cheeks and he can’t tear his eyes away as Dean pulls both his shirts over his head. He tosses them onto his clothes pile and sets to work on his jeans. Castiel openly stares as Dean undoes his belt and throws it onto the bed. His jeans drop to the floor a moment later and he kicks them to his clothing pile along with the rest.

The ability to make words has been stolen from him and all Castiel can do to express his curiosity is make a small noise. He doesn’t know where to look first – the muscles in Dean’s shoulders; the way his boxers hang low on his hips; the trail of hair on his lower belly disappearing under its hem? It all looks so amazing and the only thing Castiel can do is stare. He’s just lucky that his mouth isn’t hanging open.

Just because he’s ogling the rest of Dean’s body and remembering the few instances where he’s had it pressed up against him doesn’t mean that Castiel misses the grin on Dean’s lips. And he absolutely doesn’t miss the way he practically saunters across the room to him. It’s all Castiel can do to hold still as Dean comes to a stop in front of him, so close that he’s basically straddling Castiel’s legs. And he’s doing it all in just his underwear.

He’s so close and all Castiel wants to do is _touch_ him. His fingers twitch on the blanket as he stares up at Dean, hoping against all hope that he’ll be granted permission to do something right now. Oh, but Sam is in the other room. They haven’t once touched each other when there’s someone else in the apartment. Which means that he’s not going to be allowed to do anything – or, at least, that’s what he thinks until Dean smiles and nods.

Is that a ‘yes’? Is he actually going to be allowed to touch him right now? Castiel reaches out carefully and rests his hands on Dean’s hips. That all too beautiful smile grows, encouraging Castiel to do a little more. He sits forward and pulls Dean closer – close enough for him to press a hesitating kiss to Dean’s stomach. By all accounts, he should be told off for doing this, but Dean doesn’t seem to mind.

In fact, he’s only goading Castiel on by running his hands through his hair. It feels so good and sends all sorts of chills through his bones. He really does enjoy having someone touch his hair – and he would love it if Dean would do it even more – or rather, more _often_. Yes, that. He would like that. Just having Dean’s hands on him at all times – having him _here_ , with him. What does he have to do for this to happen all day every day?

Castiel barely bites back a groan as Dean uses his hair to pulls his head back. When Dean leans down, he half expects him to kiss him – but he wouldn’t do that, right? Not while Sam is home. Sure enough, Dean doesn’t do that. Instead, his lips brush Castiel’s ear and sends all manner of shivers down his back. Whether he wants it or not, his grip on Dean’s hips tightens to the point that even his own fingers ache.

“How would you like one hell of a wakeup call tomorrow morning?” His voice is a hushed whisper and it’s all Castiel can do to keep himself from groaning out loud.

Of course, he can’t keep completely quiet. The small moan that rumbles in the back of his throat is smothered by the unexpected kiss Dean gives him. It’s far too short for Castiel’s liking, but it gives him the chance to taste Dean again. Unfortunately, it leaves him craving for more, and it’s more that he isn’t going to get because Dean chooses then to withdraw – much to Castiel’s disappointment.

“Y’know what, I’m going to go grab a shower before we leave.” He winks at Castiel and grabs his clothing off the bed.

It doesn’t escape Castiel’s notice that he’s holding them oddly – or rather, _strategically_. They’re covering his front and he makes sure they stay in place as he slips from the room. Interesting. Is he doing that because he’s aroused? Is that why he’s taking a shower too? Granted, he almost always takes a shower when he comes home from working at the garage. Well, if Dean _is_ aroused, is it just from that one little kiss? Or is it because Castiel was kissing his stomach?

That particular set of questions follows Castiel back to the living room where he picks out his own outfit for the evening. He considers it safe enough to change there, since Sam’s door is shut and it sounds like he’s on the phone at the moment. If he had to guess, Castiel thinks it might be either Jess or Bobby he’s talking to – to thank them for the gift they’re all paying for tonight.

Of course that doesn’t mean that he’s going to take his time with changing. First things first, he needs to change his shirt. Since he knows exactly which restaurant Dean was referring to, Castiel knows that it’s a bit nicer than the usual places that they go to. It’s a special occasion and by that logic, he should dress up for it, shouldn’t he? He picks something nice, but not _too_ formal. His best pair of jeans, a nice button up with a vest and a matching tie should just about do it.

By the time he’s changed, Castiel is actually excited to go out. Aside from going to dinner with Gabriel, he doesn’t actually go out very often – let alone with Sam and Dean. In fact, Castiel rarely goes out with Dean and that’s quite the misfortune. He would _love_ to go out with him – dinner, movies, walks in the park, whatever it may be. Castiel just wants to spend time with Dean – whether it’s here or out there. Of course, that would be considered a _date_ and dating is just not something Dean wants to do.

Regardless of his dreams for the future, Castiel is certain that tonight is going to be fun for everyone.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once he’s had a good look, Sam turns around again to shoot a glare at Dean. “Could you keep it in your pants for my birthday? _Please_?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **There are no warnings for this chapter.**
> 
> This chapter takes place before and during [Chapter Five](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4088754) of the A Little Patience storyline.

One thing that Castiel did not anticipate while he was getting dressed for Sam’s birthday dinner was the way that his clothing choices would have an effect on Dean. It never occurred to him that they could affect Dean in some way, especially since Castiel’s attraction to him is rarely influenced in any way by what he wears. But tonight, he most certainly reevaluates some things regarding his wardrobe. And he’s not entirely sure how these things will change his future choices.

For instance, Dean apparently likes tight jeans. His eyes are positively glued to Castiel’s backside and legs the moment that Dean joined him and Sam in the living room. These are, without a doubt, one of Castiel’s tightest pairs. But they’re also the nicest and they’re fairly comfortable. The way they cling to his form is just something Castiel has had to tolerate since Gabriel absolutely _insisted_ that he buy them. In fact, Gabriel is the one who purchased them for him. Now his claims make sense, actually. Gabriel did say that he was doing it for the sake of any future partner he might have.

Castiel will have to make sure that he writes Gabriel a thank you card, or something similar. Because he is very, _very_ aware that Dean can barely take his eyes from him when they leave the apartment. Usually Dean walks in front, since he has the keys to the car and it makes sense for him to be the first to reach the Impala. But tonight he lags behind, letting Castiel and Sam chat about computer options on the way down to the garage.

Honestly, it’s not too hard to believe that Dean finds him appealing. After everything they’ve done together to this point, Castiel is fully accepting of the fact that Dean is attracted – dare he say, _very_ attracted to him. Though he might have come to terms with that, Castiel is still struggling with all the connotations that such a thing involves. Particularly the sexual aspect, but he’s working with that – especially since they’re apparently going to be doing even _more_ tomorrow.

As much as Castiel’s brain would _really_ like to explore those thoughts further, he has to force them out of his head. Today is Sam’s birthday and he will _not_ allow such things to distract him. This is Sam’s night, not his. Any of Castiel’s personal problems – and fantasies – can be put on hold for the next five hours. He can let these thoughts all come rushing back in and keep him company _after_ he goes to bed. Until then, Castiel is going to focus on having fun with his friends.

Of course, Dean doesn’t help with that decision in the slightest. While Castiel does his best to ignore the very persistent thoughts that continue to draw his attention to the driver’s seat, Dean spends quite a bit of time glancing at him in the rearview mirror. He would like to believe that it’s just coincidence that they’ve only been on the road for ten minutes and he’s already caught Dean’s eye in the mirror a half dozen times, but even that isn’t something he can delude himself over.

The worst part is that this is making Castiel feel hot under his collar in ways it absolutely shouldn’t be. But he can’t help being at least slightly titillated that he managed to distract Dean so much with nothing more than some nice clothes. If he had known it would be this easy to catch Dean’s eye, Castiel would have started dressing like this at home _months_ ago. Instead he wears nothing but loose sweatpants and sweatshirts. It mystifies him that Dean has somehow still managed to find him sexually attractive enough despite his formless home attire. Or perhaps it’s his usual school clothing that Dean is more captivated by when they’re together?

Oh no, he’s doing it again. Just a few shared looks with Dean through a mirror is enough to cause Castiel to lose what little control he has over his thoughts. This is bordering on a nightmare and they haven’t even reached the restaurant yet. Hopefully watching Dean eat won’t be nearly as disastrous. It all depends on the meal he chooses, but it will still be a battle that will require all of Castiel’s self-control. Which is what he spends the majority of the car ride doing.

Castiel is so wrapped up in trying to corral his thoughts into appropriate areas again that he’s far too distracted to say anything when Dean ends up pulling into the drive thru of a McDonalds. By then, it’s too late. Dean has already placed his order for a Big Mac before Castiel has even found his tongue again. Certainly he has a few questions to ask, but he holds off on asking them when Dean turns around to glance at him and Sam.

“Hey, you sure you two don’t want anything?” He asks, all while jerking his thumb over his shoulder to gesture at the menu board.

Sam sounds just as incredulous as Castiel feels. “You do know that we’re going to a _restaurant_ , don’t you? I’m pretty sure you said that you got reservations for us and everything.”

“Yeah, but it’s a _vegan_ restaurant, Sammy.” Dean’s nose crinkles in an impossibly cute manner and Castiel has to look away from it. “You know that shit is against my religion.”

“Fuck you, Dean, it’s delicious and you’re going to like it.” Despite his harsh words and the disapproving shake of his head, there’s still a smile on Sam’s face. “You’re impossible, you know that?”

Dean shrugs and turns away, but not before he winks at Castiel in the mirror. “If you want me to suffer in silence through dinner while you eat your weird hippy food, then you better let me have my damn burger before we get there. Right, Cas?”

“I would rather not get dragged into this.” Castiel feigns his innocence on this matter and turns away to look out the window.

On this matter, he’ll play Switzerland. While he would like to expand Dean’s culinary horizons, he also knows that the fare at this restaurant is nowhere near what Dean is comfortable with. It would be better for him to have something to eat beforehand so he doesn’t spend the entire meal watching Sam and Castiel eat. He just wishes that Dean would be eating something a little less –

“Fine.” Sam sighs and slumps in his seat. “Enjoy your clogged arteries.”

Yes, exactly. Something a little less unhealthy. Castiel would be happier if Dean had eaten a peanut butter and jelly sandwich before they left. Or grabbed a granola bar, or an apple, or any of the leftovers that they currently have in the fridge. Literally anything would have been better than the grease ridden – though delicious in the most unholy of ways – burger that gets handed to him after he pays at the window. Oh, but it does smell _divine_ and Castiel’s stomach rumbles in envy.

Dean completely ignores the stare Sam has directed at the side of his head as he takes the first bite of his burger. “Hey, I _need_ this.” He mumbles around the mouthful. “It’s not like there’s going to be anything at this restaurant that I can actually _eat_.”

Thankfully, his prediction turns out to be completely wrong. The restaurant actually sells sides separately and Dean manages to find something on it that he can eat. More specifically, he ends up having three bowls of rice over their course of the meal. And each bowl is smothered with an almost sickening amount of soya sauce. At least it’s something for him to eat while Castiel and Sam enjoy their own delectable dishes.

Sam clearly likes what he ordered. He can’t take a bite of his Turkish-style Couscous and his side of zucchini salad without making a happy humming noise. And Castiel is taking no small amount of pleasure out of his own meal. His six mini mushroom quiches made with tofu are simply _amazing_ and his jasmine rice is nice side to it. And the quiches even look good just lined up neatly on a plate with eye-catching garnish. If he could cook, Castiel would love to add this to his repertoire.

It’s no surprise that Sam looks like he’s in heaven with his food. Castiel can understand it well. They don’t often get meals like this at home. Of course, he isn’t complaining about anything that he usually eats because he absolutely _loves_ every single home-cooked meal he’s been blessed with. Dean’s weekly menu is beyond all forms of amazing. Castiel could never ask for anything better than what Dean cooks. Even what Sam cooks – on the uncommon occasion – is also good.

But everything that Dean makes tastes like _home_. No, it’s actually _better_ than home. Castiel’s hasn’t had much of that _home_ feeling in his life. The majority of his childhood memories are of classy multi-course meals for hundreds of rich kids that were all cooked by five star chefs. When he was back with his parents, it was the same thing. It wasn’t until he was living with Gabriel did he actually have a real home-style meal – it was the best thing he ever tasted, up until he was graced with the chance to taste Dean’s cooking.

Gabriel, and eventually Kali, used to make some of _the_ most delicious of dishes. Now that he’s had the luck of tasting the Winchester repertoire, it only makes Castiel wish all the more that he had the chance to learn how to cook. He would absolutely _love_ to be able to make the same delicious things for his loved ones. If he could cook something for Dean without something on the stove burning to the point that it almost, or actually _does_ , catch fire.

If such a time ever comes, Castiel makes a mental note to keep couscous off the menu, especially considering the conversation currently taking place between the brothers Winchester.

“Are you sure you don’t want to try my couscous?” Sam offers, his voice pitching into a singsong cadence while he waves a couscous-full fork back and forth in front of Dean’s face.

His nose crinkles in a truly ridiculous and utterly adorable manner. “Couscous? Is that made up? It sounds made up.”

“ _Dean_.” Sam huffs loudly, frowning at him as Dean shoves a large forkful of rice into his mouth.

“What?” It’s a miracle that none of the rice gets sprayed across the table when Dean speaks. “It’s a personal rule that I don’t eat things I can’t pronounce.”

Castiel’s own teasing smile worms its way onto his lips. “You pronounced it just fine right then.”

Sure enough, that earns him a dark look. “You’re not helping, Cas.”

And that only makes Castiel’s smile grow. “Would you like to try one of my quiche?” He makes a sweeping gesture at the few remaining on his plate. “You could at least try and get _some_ vegetables in your system during this evening.”

The crinkle in Dean’s nose hasn’t relaxed yet. “Hey, I take offense to that. There was lettuce, pickles, _and_ onions on my hamburger.”

“And, if I recall, they were smothered in grease and cheese.” Now Castiel’s teasing smile has reached its maximum size. “Which means that _those_ were about as far from healthy as you can get where a vegetable is concerned.”

Sam nods in agreement and taps his fork against Dean’s bowl. “You can’t survive on rice alone, Dean.”

“Jokes on you. I have bread too.”

“You still can’t survive on that either.”

Dean rolls his eyes and pulls his bowl out of reach. “Just shut up and eat your damn hippy food, you rabbits.” He makes shooing motions and narrows his eyes at them. “Leave me and my rice alone.” And, as if he’s _trying_ to emphasize his childishness, Dean even hunches over the bowl and starts shoveling the rice into his mouth.

Castiel shares a pointed look with Sam before they both laugh. They know it to be a lost cause, but teasing Dean about his eating habits are one of the few things they _can_ tease him about. Most everything else is either topics they _know_ not to tease about, or it’s something that Dean just rolls with it like it doesn’t bother him in the slightest.

And yet – Castiel still isn’t expecting Dean to nudge his foot under the table shortly after Sam leaves to use the washroom. “Hey, lemme try a piece of your little mushroom pie things.”

This is a surprising turn of events. Castiel raises an eyebrow and taps the top of the quiche with his fork. “Are you sure? They have _tofu_ in them.” Though Dean might like mushrooms, Castiel knows for a fact that the very mention of tofu has him all but gagging on most days.

Apparently reminding Dean of this fact was not a good thing. All it gets Castiel is a flat stare from across the table and a slightly harder kick to the shin. Despite the lack of words, he understands Dean’s point quite well, and it’s all Castiel can do to keep himself from actually grinning at him.

“I suppose I shouldn’t be trying to talk you out of trying something healthy.” He laughs and cuts the last quiche in half with his fork.

“Got it on the first try.” Dean’s glare softens and he leans forward over the edge of the table. “Now gimme.” He then proceeds opens his mouth, and he _leaves_ it open.

When Castiel holds the fork out, he fully expects Dean to take it – even with the state of his mouth. After a solid ten seconds of Dean continuing to stare him down, eyes hooded and smoky in a way that Castiel hasn’t seen outside of their more _intimate_ moments together. Those eyes never leave him as he leans forward slightly. It’s a miracle that his hand doesn’t shake as Dean takes the food directly off of Castiel’s fork.

He can’t look away from the way Dean’s tongue brushes over the tines of the fork just before his teeth close over it, pulling the food off. His lips close over it last and it’s a slow slide down the end of the fork before Dean sits back in his chair again, chewing slowly. The same heated look still burns in his eyes and it’s of no surprise that Castiel feels like the temperature in the room has been turned up a good fifty degrees more than normal.

And in that moment he is also very suddenly reminded of the promise Dean made earlier. Now the temperature ratchets up to _a hundred_ degrees and he has to resist to pull at his collar. Dean’s promise reverberates through Castiel’s mind – he’s going to get _one hell of a wakeup call tomorrow_. There is no way that he could mistake that to mean many things, but Castiel is beyond certain that Dean was referring to something sexual.

But what are they going to do? Is it something that they’ve already done, or will it be something more? It leaves so many options for what could happen after Sam leaves for his exam in the morning. A few weeks ago, Castiel might have not known all the possibilities. That has most certainly changed now. After that night, Castiel has made his way through many websites in the dead of the night to look up various things they could do. There are whole _lists_ of it and Castiel has to do a search on what half of the things might be.

Of course, he doubts that Dean would do something adventurous next. Fingering and intercrural sex wouldn’t exactly lead to anything unusual, right? At most, Castiel thinks that perhaps they might go as far as Dean _rimming_ him. Oh, dear. He shouldn’t think about that any further or he’ll have an unfortunate reaction to those thoughts in a very inappropriate setting for them. Contrary to that plan, Castiel can’t help wondering whether or not Dean intends to actually have s–

“Cas?” Sam sits down next to him again and effectively draws Castiel back to reality. “Are you feeling okay? You’re all red.” He looks down at the last half of the final quiche. “I thought your food didn’t have any hot spices in them.”

Thankfully, he isn’t still holding the fork out to Dean. But he _is_ still staring and it takes a truly monumental amount of willpower to tear his eyes away from Dean’s satisfied little smirk. “It’s Dean’s fault.” For far more than just what Sam is talking about, but he doesn’t need to know that.

The smirk falls right off Dean’s lips and his eyebrows shoot up his forehead in surprise. “It’s – _what_?”

“Dean!” The accusation in Sam’s tone has both of them flinching. “What did you _do_?”

Well this just got so much more fun. Castiel drops his voice into a whisper and leans in closer to Sam. “He made an _extremely_ lewd and _very_ inappropriate comment about that gentleman sitting at the table behind us.” He very carefully side glances at Sam to make sure the person he had noticed when they were walking to their table is still here. Oh, good! He is. That makes this lie all the more believable. “The one with the crew cut.”

As soon as he’s said that, both Sam and Dean turn to look. They try to do it subtly, but Dean actually has to lean to the side to see around Castiel. The sheer surprise on both their faces is more than pleasing. It’s rare that he manages to catch them _both_ off guard. Castiel doubts that either of them paid much attention to the crew cut-man earlier, or the woman in the polka-dot dress, or the pair in the corner who look like they stepped right out of a hipster magazine. Or are they called _zines_ now? He can never keep track of the trends.

Once he’s had a good look, Sam turns around again to shoot a glare at Dean. “Could you keep it in your pants for my birthday? _Please_?”

It takes longer than it should for Dean to respond. Instead of staring at the crew cut-man, he’s returned to staring at Castiel. After a minute, he shakes himself out and turns a truly dazzling smile on Sam. “Aw, c’mon. There’s nothing wrong with window shopping, is there?”

His answer earns him a glare with the added bonus of narrowed eyes. Sam even crosses his arms for extra emphasis. Castiel only feels slightly bad that his lie has gotten Dean into a modicum of trouble. He deserves it, somewhat, for doing that – that whatever it was he did with his tongue and the fork. Dean must have known what he was doing when he did it, meaning it was on purpose because he _knew_ exactly how that would affect Castiel.

Dean over exaggerates his sigh as he mimes zipping up his pants. “Fine, fine. I’ll curb my libido for tonight.” He draws an ‘X’ on his chest with the tip of his finger. “Promise.”

“Good.” Sam accepts the answer and nods.

With a relieved sigh of his own, Castiel pats Sam on the shoulder. “Thank you.”

He might have been _slightly_ worried that making such a stupid ‘ _joke_ ’ might make Dean think it would be alright to hit on other people while they’re out. And that is something Castiel does _not_ want to see. It’s bad enough when he remembers back to the days in the café when he would see Dean be flirty with the other patrons. Though that is eased by how he now knows that Dean did it all for tips.

A gasp draws the attention back to Dean as he adopts a false, wounded expression. Even going so far as to clutch at his heart. “Es tu, Cas?”

For a moment, they all stare between each other, but then promptly start laughing. There was no tension to be eased as far as Castiel could tell, but it still feels good to laugh. He has several years worth of laughing to catch up on, after all.

Sam is still chuckling when he reaches for the dessert menu. “Okay, guys, let’s see if they have anything good on this thing.”

“Whoa, whoa, _whoa_.” Dean sits forward sharply and grabs Sam’s wrist, his eyes wide and pleading. “For the love of pie, Sammy, can we _please_ get dessert somewhere _normal_.”

Castiel arches an eyebrow at that. “You mean someplace a little more traditional, perhaps?”

“Yeah, that. Exactly.” He nods quickly, looking hopefully to Sam. “Please?”

It doesn’t look like they’ve convinced Sam on this matter just yet. “Someplace more traditional? Like what, a drive thru at the Dairy Queen?”

“Or there’s that place on the pier that we can swing by after we get you some awesome new tech.” Dean even goes so far as to wiggle his eyebrows provocatively. Apparently he _really_ doesn’t want to have to get a birthday treat here.

To Castiel’s surprise, Sam drops the menu immediately. His eyes go wide in a way that can only mean that he must have forgotten where their next stop would be. “Well, what are we waiting for?” He looks to Castiel sharply, excitement making him practically vibrate in his seat. “C’mon, Cas, finish your quiche. We’ve got _plans_ to follow.”

“Who am I to deny what the birthday boy commands?” Castiel laughs and uses his fingers to pick up the last half of the quiche – manners be damned. He pops it into his mouth amid laughter from two of his best friends, and he’s convinced that they’re can’t be much else in the world that’s better than this.

*

Castiel has seen Sam run several times in the time that he’s known him. He’s been to basketball games and seen him dash across the court, and he’s seen him do races during Track and Field events in high school. If he wants to, Sam can sprint rather quickly when he needs to. But Castiel has never seen Sam move as fast as he does when they entire the computer store. It’s almost as though he leaves a motion blur in his wake as he heads directly to the section with all the laptops.

In the blink of an eye, it’s just Castiel and Dean standing inside the doors. Sam’s enthusiasm for his gift brings a smile to Castiel’s face and he wants to mention something about it to Dean. He never gets the chance. When he turns to face him, a wall on the other side of the store catches his eye. In an instant, Castiel is practically drooling. The entire wall is devoted to all manner of cameras, accessories, and equipment. It’s like stumbling upon an unexpected treasure.

Before he knows it, Castiel has already wandered over to the camera wall. Since entering university, he hasn’t had much of a chance to keep up with his hobby. And especially since he and Dean started getting closer to one another. Castiel can’t remember the last time that he went out to take some pictures. Most of his morning runs are done at the university’s track because of its convenience and there’s just not anything to photograph there.

Matters aren’t helped any by the fact that Gabriel borrowed his digital camera a few months ago and he hasn’t returned it. At this point, Castiel might as well give it up for loss. He’s very familiar with what happens when things are loaned to Gabriel. Once it’s in his brother’s possession, it’s very rare to ever see that particular item again. Normally, Castiel wouldn’t have allowed Gabriel to borrow something as precious to him as his camera, but since he had his Polaroid, he figured it would be at least _somewhat_ safe to allow him to have the digital one for awhile.

Unfortunately, his backup plan didn’t turn out so well. A week after Gabriel borrowed the camera for some overnight trip with Kali, Castiel discovered that he was actually completely out of Polaroid film. Since then he just hasn’t found the time to go buy some. Not to mention that it’s likely due for a tune up. The shutter is getting a bit too sticky for his liking. Some of the pieces inside of it are getting a little old, after all. But he rarely uses the Polaroid as it is. If he used it often, he would have noticed that he was out of film sooner than he did.

Honestly, right now Castiel doesn’t really feel like he _has_ a camera – aside from the one on his cell phone. Gabriel has his digital one and that’s as good as gone. And his Polaroid is little more than a collector’s item. It has served him faithfully for so long that it’s about time he retire it. Of course, this just might Castiel’s way of trying to talk himself into dipping into his savings to buy one of these more _professional_ ones on the wall.

He gets chills when thinking about owning one that has lens attachments. Or one that could capture multiple high definition action shots. Imagine if he could get a good photograph of Sam on the basketball court? Or of some of the members of his dojang while they’re sparring or practicing? He could donate the pictures to the Master to use in brochures or on the dojang’s website. Castiel could even take pictures of _him_ doing Taekwondo if he used a timer function and had a tripod. And he would never have to prop a camera up on a table to take a family photo again if he had one of those.

Okay, _now_ Castiel is drooling. He can’t stop imagining all the different things he could do with one of these high end cameras. The very same cameras that he absolutely cannot resist touching. The security cords are a little annoying, but Castiel just wants to test the feel and weight in his hands. If it’s comfortable to hold and feasibly use, he might very well buy it. Or at least heavily consider buying one. It feels weird not to have an actual camera available to him like he used to.

Castiel is so enraptured by the cameras that he doesn’t even notice when Dean joins him. It takes a solid jostling of his shoulder to snap him out of his thoughts. His heart stutters in surprise as Dean leans in to look at the camera in his hands. “You interested in photography, Cas?”

Oh, that’s right. He never told Dean about his hobby. It’s hard not to blush or feel embarrassed to be put on the spot about it. Castiel has to force himself not to blush as he shrugs. “I like the idea of capturing beauty with a picture instead of taking it for oneself.” He hums in thought as he puts the camera back on the shelf. “And memories. I like collecting memories.”

Dean actually sounds interested as he bumps Castiel’s shoulder again. “Do you have a camera?”

A good question, actually. He mulls over his answer for a moment before shaking his head. No, it’s better to say that he doesn’t right now. Well, aside from the one in his pocket. Castiel takes his phone out as an example. “Just on this.” _Now_ , at least. And… Would Dean like to know _what_ he photographs? Is he _that_ interested in what Castiel likes?

Just in case, he tells Dean anyways. It won’t matter if he’s wrong anyways. “I usually take pictures of the places I’ve been and the people I know.”

“Oh yeah?” Now there’s a dangerous kind of _curiosity_ in Dean’s voice, and it makes Castiel very worried. And for good reason. Dean reaches for his phone and Castiel has to put it away to keep it safe.

“Aw, c’mon, Cas.” He whines and tugs at Castiel’s elbow. “I wanna see if you have any pictures of me. I don’t remember you ever taking any.”

And _that_ is for an _extremely_ good reason. “I’m very subtle.” An understatement, for certain. Castiel is less subtle and more sneaky, because he never wanted to be branded as being _creepy_ because the only picture he’s ever taken of Dean was taken without his permission.

Dean snorts a laugh and gives Castiel’s shoulders a playful shove. “That’s just a fancy way of saying _sneaky_.” Case in point. “Face it, Cas. You’re a stalker.” And Castiel’s stomach drops into his shoes, only to crawl right back up again as Dean continues grinning at him instead of looking upset like one would be after accusing their friend of being a stalker. “Now I _definitely_ wanna see.”

Good Lord, _no_. Castiel frowns at him for the stalker comment and turns away. It’s easier to hide the blush he’s fighting against when he’s not facing Dean. “No, they’re private.” Though Castiel actually wouldn’t mind showing Dean the ones of Gabriel and his family, or of what he’s seen when he’s out and about. But the best pictures are on his laptop at home.

“Dude, they’re of _me_.” There’s another tug on his sleeve as Dean starts whining – in the kind of way that makes it hard for Castiel to resist him. “Show me. Please?”

He can feel his will breaking as Dean keeps tugging at his arm. But Dean’s patience runs out before Castiel’s strength fails and he huffs unhappily that his begging isn’t working. The last thing Castiel expects is for Dean to turn to _threats_ after that. His voice drops into a heavy whisper. “Show me or we’ll let the whole store find out just how ticklish you are.”

No one but Gabriel has tickled him in recent years, and Mother used to do it when he was a child. Castiel isn’t all that sensitive to tickles, but he knows without a doubt that if Dean starts touching him in public, there are going to be _very_ different reactions than what Dean would be aiming for. It would be the kind of reactions that should remain behind closed doors.

Dean gets treated to Castiel’s strongest glare in the hopes that it will be enough to stave off any attempted tickling. “You wouldn’t _dare_.”

The conniving glint in Dean’s eyes don’t inspire much hope for the effectiveness of Castiel’s glare. In fact, it’s possible that Dean might be seeing the look as a _challenge_ , if anything. “Oh ye of little faith.” He turns and raises his voice, shouting across the store. “Hey, Sam! C’mere!”

Sam’s answering groan is just loud enough for them to hear. He glares at them over the many shelving units between the two sides of the store before making a big show of coming over to him. His glare hasn’t subsided by the time he reaches them. “What is it?” But it melts away right away and he brightens up, gesturing over his shoulder. “I think I found the computer I want. What’s the limit for how much I can spend?”

“Don’t worry about it. Just get a computer that’s not going to crash on you” Dean pats Sam on the shoulder and draws him into a one armed hug, his smile growing devious. “Now, tell Cas about the time I wanted to know about your first kiss.”

Well, _this_ is interesting. Sam has told Castiel many things about his life, including that Jess was his first kiss when they started going out at sixteen. But he’s never heard the story of when Dean was told about it. Judging by the way Sam’s nose scrunches up, there must be a good reason for why he hasn’t shared this particular story.

With a sigh, Sam rolls his eyes. “Whatever it is that Dean wants to know, Cas, just save yourself the trouble and tell him. He once tickled me in the middle of a Walmart until I pissed myself.” Oh Lord. “When I was _seventeen_.” The humanity!

Part of Castiel wants to laugh but he bites back that side of him. Sam would probably not enjoy having his pain laughed at – especially on his birthday. He keeps silent as Dean shoos Sam back to the computer side of the store.

As soon as Sam has left, Dean turns to Castiel with a victorious smirk. “And there you go. It’s really in your best interest to just cough up the pictures, Cas.”

This calls for drastic measures, and ones that Castiel is almost looking forward to. A smile spreads across his face, sly and challenging. “I’d like to see you try, Dean.” He _really_ would. “It would be interesting to see, considering that I have Taekwondo and Hapkido classes twice a week.” Both of which are on hold during exams and he’s really starting to miss it.

Surprise replaces every smug expression on Dean’s face and he opens his mouth without a sound coming out. It only lasts a moment before he’s looking Castiel up and down, almost as if he was searching for some kind of proof. “Whoa, wait. What? Since when have you being doing _martial arts?_ ”

It always feels good when Castiel manages to catch Dean off guard. He doesn’t want to ruin this moment and tries to play it cool with a shrug. “Since I was seven years old and my parents decided it was a good idea that I know how to defend myself.” For a brief moment, his confidence soars and Castiel leans in closer, his voice dropping to a whisper. “I have a black belt, if you’d like to see it.”

Once again, Dean’s eyes skate over Castiel’s body. Almost every thought he has is showing on Dean’s face and it’s sending all manner of chills racing through him. What Castiel wouldn’t do to have him voice those thoughts – or better yet, _act_ on them. But of course that’s not an actual option. Not with the status of their relationship as simply _fuck buddies_. At least, on the bright side, his attempt at a flirtation has Dean swallowing thickly and staring pointedly at his lips. Oh, but a kiss would be _amazing_ right now.

After a minute of staring, Dean clears his throat and pokes him in the chest. “This isn’t over, Cas.” And he turns away sharply to stomp after Sam.

Well, isn’t that lovely? Castiel should be worried about that, but he actually feels a little excited. If anything, he might actually be _looking forward_ to what Dean will do.

*

If this was Dean’s plan all along, Castiel is going to have to admit that he’s a little disappointed. He had hoped for more than waking up to the sound of someone shuffling through the room out of sight. After years of growing up with children who thought it funny to prank him, Castiel can wake up at the slightest of sounds. Most times he’s a sound sleeper, but when someone is being _sneaky_ he can be wide awake in an instant.

In this case, Castiel opens his eyes just in time to see a hand reach up over the side of the mattress. After his heart stops and starts for one sleepy, freaked out moment, his mind catches up with reality. It’s not the hand of a ghost or a monster or some thief in the night. Castiel knows, without a doubt, that the hand belongs to Dean – and he knows that without having to check. If the front door or the balcony door had been opened, that would have woken him up. So it’s clearly not an intruder. And Sam would never try to steal Castiel’s phone in the middle of the night.

To confirm what he already knows, Castiel carefully rolls over just enough to peek over the edge of the bed. Sure enough, it’s Dean on the floor next to him. He’s lying on his stomach with Castiel’s phone in hand. The screen has been dimmed, but the light still manages to sting Castiel’s eyes. Despite that, it’s not too hard to make out the time displayed above the password field. It’s just after two in the morning and if he wasn’t amused right now, he’d be very upset with Dean for trying to break into his phone at this time of night.

He watches Dean carefully pick zero nine one eight from the numbers. Ah, a good try to be sure. But Castiel’s date of birth is not the password to his phone. Neither is the year of his birth. Those are much too easy a password for Castiel’s liking. His password is a secret that he’s kept close to his chest for years now. There are only a select few who know that secret and yet they would likely never guess that it would be the password to his phone. Dean is not one of those people.

But now there is only one more password attempt and Castiel would prefer that his phone doesn’t get locked. He adopts the most potent glare he can at this time of night and lifts his face from the mattress enough so that his words won’t be muffled. “You’re never going to figure it out.”

Apparently his whisper wasn’t soft enough. Dean still jumps in surprise and Castiel is _certain_ that he hears a strangled squeak. It amuses him to no end that he has, once again, caught Dean off guard. Now it’s getting _really_ difficult to keep his glare in place. And it only gets harder when Dean rolls onto his side to look up at him. His attempt to look innocent is so pathetic that Castiel almost wants to take pity on him for being caught. But trying to steal his phone – and for pictures that aren’t even on it, no less – Dean must be taught a lesson. For now, that lesson is for him to think that Castiel is annoyed with him.

Dean clears his throat and looks up at Castiel with a grin that’s a little shaky around the edges. He must think that he’s in a lot of trouble for this. “G’morning, Cas.”

Morning. Right. “It’s two AM, Dean. Go to bed.” Castiel sighs and reaches over the edge of the bed and takes his phone back. The bars are full and he unplugs it so it can spend the rest of the night under his pillow. If Dean still plans to wake him up with something _good_ , then Castiel won’t need to have his phone out to hear the alarm.

Dean pushes himself up onto his knees and crosses his arms on the edge of the bed. It forces Castiel to lay back on the pillow again, otherwise they would be face to face and he can’t be held responsible for the kisses that would occur if that were to happen. He fully expects Dean to continue getting up and to return to his room, but he doesn’t. Instead, Dean stays exactly where he is, and he absolutely doesn’t look away. It’s a staring contest and Castiel can play it for as long as Dean can.

Except that he’s tired and the minutes are crawling along. He hits his limit eventually and he can’t understand why Dean is still here – _or_ what he’s planning. “What do you want, Dean?” Castiel will forgive him for almost anything, but his patience draws thin when he’s tired.

Somehow that catches Dean by surprise yet again. He jerks back slightly and puts a hand on his chest. After a moment of calming himself down, Dean’s expression goes serious and it’s Castiel’s turn to feel like his heart has stopped. “Why did you ever tell me about your tattoo?” Dean leans in slightly, and the look in his eyes borders on actually being upset. “Or that you’ve been doing Taekwondo since you were frikken _seven years old_?”

That look turns _sad_ and Castiel’s heart wrenches in his chest. “And you never mentioned liking to take pictures. I thought we were friends, Cas.” His lips pull into a pout and Castiel wants nothing more than to kiss it away – to apologize and promise that he never meant to hurt Dean by not sharing that information. But Dean is still talking and he can’t interrupt. “Does Sam know?”

He can’t look at Dean anymore or he’s going to break. Castiel rolls onto his back and covers his eyes with his arm. There, no more temptation. “ _No one_ knew about my tattoo. Not even Gabriel.” That must make Dean feel better, but he doesn’t dare peek to check. “The less people who knew, the less likely my parents were going to find out. When I use the gym at the university or when I’m changing for Taekwondo, I change in a bathroom stall.” And that brings him to point number two. “Sam does know about my chosen sport, but that’s only because he saw the medals Gabriel has hanging up.”

“I didn’t know you go to the gym _or_ that you had medals.” Dean whispers, and he doesn’t sound as happy as Castiel had expected.

It hadn’t occurred to him that he was hiding so much from Dean. That alone wouldn’t be so bad. But the sheer fact that he _hurt_ Dean by keeping these secrets makes Castiel feel sick to his stomach. “For running.” He whispers, choking out the words. “I use the track if the weather is good or a treadmill if it’s not.” With great effort, Castiel drops his arm and chances a glance at Dean again. At least he doesn’t look as hurt as he sounded. “I’ve won medals in various martial arts competitions.

But the more that Castiel talks, the less happy Dean looks. “What about the pictures?” His eyes drop to the phone still in Castiel’s hand.

“I obviously had to keep that from you.” He snorts and hides the camera under his pillow “I know you were going to want to see them and I’m not particularly ready to show you any.” Though he’s only ever taken the one picture of Dean. But Castiel has never really shown his pictures to _anyone_ outside of his family. Only his mother and Gabriel have ever had an interest in seeing what he’s taken.

“Fine.” Dean huffs loudly and stands up. “I’ll let the picture thing slide for now.” He dusts off his knees for a second before leaning over the bed and over Castiel. “But the rest?” The mattress dips as he places his hands on either side of Castiel’s chest, and thank God that’s what he did with them. If they were touching him, Dean might be able to feel just how hard Castiel’s heart starts beating in that moment.

“Tell me these kinds of things, Cas.” Dean whispers, holding Castiel’s eyes with his own. “I wanna know these things. I wanna know about you.”

Oh God, Castiel is going to die. He’s going to end up saying something or do something that he he’ll regret if he doesn’t think of something to do or say _right now_. If he’s not careful, he might tell Dean all about the _other_ secrets that he has floating around in his brain. Like the one about how he’s a virgin and he’s mostly certain that every hint he’s tried to drop about that have all gone right over Dean’s head. Or perhaps like the one how he hates that he gets jealous of the other people that Dean sleeps with. Which would obviously just lead into the biggest secret of them all – that he’s _in love_ with Dean.

Castiel swallows around the lump that rises in his throat and he can barely make himself nod. If Dean wants to know more about the things that are no longer secrets – though they were never really _secrets_ in the first place – then he can know about them. “I have another competition in June.”

That brings a bright smile to Dean’s face. “Can I come watch it?”

He nods again, slower this time, and Castiel has to fight not to keep himself from looking at Dean’s lips. “If you – if you want to.”

“Good.” Dean’s happy smile calms any and all tumultuous feelings in Castiel’s chest. “Text me the date and time and I’ll book it off from work.” But then he dips his head and their noses brush together, and Castiel’s chest feels like it’s caught in a vice again. “Would’ja give me a goodnight kiss, Cas?”

The next breath catches in Castiel’s throat and his hands move without thought to rest on Dean’s shoulders gently. “Sam is –”

“Sam is _sleeping_.” His voice drops into a whisper that does _horrible_ things to Castiel’s stomach. He tilts his chin and a barely-there kiss touches his lips.

It’s a gentle, teasing kiss and it shatters any restraint that Castiel had. He only hesitates for a second when he thinks that Sam is just down the hall, but even that isn’t enough to stop him from wanting to kiss Dean when it’s being offered. His hands slide to the back of Dean’s neck and he gives a quick tug to pull him down into a proper kiss. It feels so good to properly kiss Dean again that he can’t hold back a quiet, content sound that gets swallowed by it.

And just like that, the kiss is over. That’s the worst thing about kissing Dean. The _end_. Castiel hates when the kisses end and he frowns when Dean pulls back after an all too short amount of time. But he isn’t at all expecting Dean’s hand to move to his crotch and rub it lightly. He bites back an actual moan and breaks into a sweat as heat floods his veins. It’s an automatic reaction to having Dean touch him and he can’t do anything to stop it.

Dean grins as he stands up straight and turns away. He’s almost to his bedroom when he tosses a loud whisper over his shoulder. “See you in the morning, Cas.”

As soon as the bedroom door is closed, Castiel groans and rolls onto his stomach. Now he has to wait for whatever sort of quasi-erection he has, and who knows how long that’s going to be? With an unhappy, and very quiet whine, he pulls his phone out from under the pillow. He better adjust his alarms – just in case Dean doesn’t actually wake him in the morning. With what just happened, he doubts that will be the case, but it can’t hurt to have a backup.

His lips are still tingling with the remnants of the kiss as he types in the password to his phone. It took a while for Castiel to stop feeling guilty when he types three three two six, but he’s used to it now. Just as long as no one ever finds out what those four numbers translate to on a telephone pad. Once his alarms are set, Castiel hides the phone under his pillow again and pulls his blankets over his shoulders.

Morning can’t come soon enough.


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Alright, Cas. D’you think you're ready?” Dean asks, his voice soft and as gentle as his hands had been. “D’you still want to go through with this?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter content warnings are at the end of chapter. Please click the link below to see them.**
> 
> This chapter takes place before and during [Chapter Five](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4088754) of the A Little Patience storyline.

Castiel's alarm barely has to go off for him to wake up. It hardly feels like he's slept at all, and yet he doesn't feel in the least bit tired. If anything, he actually feels like an entire pot of coffee has been poured directly into his veins. Regardless of how he's practically shaking as he tiptoes into the kitchen, it doesn't stop him from hitting the start button on their coffee maker. He trusts that Dean replaced the new filter and grounds yesterday when he cleaned it out, just like he always does.

Sam isn't awake yet and Castiel still has some time left his alarm is set to go off. He knows what it's set for because last night Sam _insisted_ that they not do anything even remotely loud during a very specific time frame. According to those instructions, Castiel has a good thirty minute window to work with before Sam gets up. Which probably won't be much earlier than when Dean gets up. He doesn't work until this afternoon, but he's undoubtedly going to wake up early to see Sam off for his exam.

Oh God, exams. Castiel doesn't even want to spare even an iota of his brain power to thinking about them right now. His first is in a few days and all he sees it as is another form of stress for him at this point. With next to no sleep for the night, he sincerely doubts that he's going to get much studying today (and he doesn't even care what problems that might raise for him). Especially if Dean is going to – especially if _they're_ going to – Sweet heavens, Castiel hasn't even had any coffee yet and he already feels like he's warm right to his core.

It's a blush and it's making his face go as red as a beacon in the bathroom mirror when he ducks in there. Castiel won't admit to himself – or to anyone, for that matter – that his shower is being taken in preparation. He's only doing it in the off chance that Dean is actually going to follow through on his promise. Even if they don't, it can't hurt to be ready regardless of whether he's going to have sex with Dean or not. If they don't, then Castiel figures that at some point this morning Dean might – at the very least – finger him.

Just thinking about it has his heart pounding. The hot shower does little to calm him while he does the necessary prep before and during his shower. His hands are trembling while he cleans himself from head to toe, thoroughly scrubbing every inch of skin. He doesn't know if it's because he's nervous or if he's excited. Castiel has had a while to think about whether or not he would ever want to have sex with Dean, and it was a resounding ' _yes_ ' from all the board members in his head.

All in all, Castiel loves Dean. He knows that Dean doesn't love him, but he _does_ consider Castiel to be a close friend. In fact, both Dean _and_ Sam have referred to him on multiple occasions as being someone who is practically a member of the family. He doesn't know what he's done to deserve such a title, but he would be more than happy to call himself a Winchester. It's an odd place to be, considering what he and Dean do behind closed doors, but Castiel feels at home with them and that's more than he has when he's with his actual family – Gabriel and his mother being exceptions.

If Castiel could fool himself into believing that the actors in most of the porn that he's watched were in love, then he's fairly certain that he can make believe that Dean loves him too. He almost has that anyways. Whatever Dean feels for him is some form of love – platonic, sexual, both or neither. Castiel doesn't know, but he'll accept it nonetheless. That's more than he needs. And if what he's done with Dean so far is any kind of example, he's positive that Dean is going to be a loving partner no matter what feelings are involved in their tryst.

Which is exactly why Castiel decided to go through with this. It took him the majority of his life to find someone that he's sexually attracted to. What if it never happens to him again? What if he doesn't love anyone else in his life? Or what if he _does_ love someone else, and he's sexually attracted to them, but the opportunity never arises to act on it? It's unlikely, but it's not a risk that he's willing to take.

The person he loves right now – the person that he _wants_ right now – actually wants him back. Dean might not love him the same way that Castiel does, but that's negligible. It's something he can work around – something he _will_ work around. This is an experience Castiel wants. He wants to have that connection with Dean. He wants to have that connection with someone he _loves_. Castiel wants whatever Dean is willing to give him and he'll accept it to the best of his ability.

And it might leave him more than a little breathless to think that in less than a few hours, Dean might actually be _in_ him. Thinking thoughts like that has him feeling too hot in his skin again, though part of that could be attributed to the too-warm shower. Unsurprisingly, that inspires a physical reaction in his nether regions and Castiel spends a good minute staring at his growing erection.

"Now what am I supposed to do with _you_?" He mutters under his breath.

Could he feasibly be aroused again in a few hours? It might be possible but he's not entirely sure. That's not something he's ever put to the test before. Well, it couldn't hurt to try, right? If he's having trouble getting it up later, he could just draw out the foreplay until he's ready. And it's not like _he_ needs to be fully aroused if he's going to be on the receiving end. It will help, certainly, but at least partial arousal should be good enough. Besides, this might help him last longer when – if they have sex.

Whether that's the truth or not, Castiel doesn't care. He has no desire to turn the temperature of his shower down and he wants to deal with this _now_. But he doesn’t like using soap and that's why he keeps a small travel bottle of moisturizer on the three level caddy hanging from the shower head. No one has questioned it yet, and he doesn't expect that they will. Sam has twice as many bottles on his shelf and half of them don't even have a label anymore. And Dean is a snoop, so he probably already knows what it is and there are two logical leaps from that point – either Castiel moisturizes in the shower, or he uses it to masturbate. Either way, it's nothing unusual.

What _is_ a little out of the realm of usual is that in the midst of stroking himself, Castiel puts a foot up on the edge of the tub. He braces his back against the wall and reaches down between his legs. Castiel has surprised himself with how often he does this when he masturbates now. Of course he doesn't go for as many fingers as he did the first time, or when Dean does it. Just one or two is enough for him when he wants to come quickly.

The first one slides in and Castiel has to bite his lip to keep quiet. It feels so good and he can't help but wonder just how different it will feel when it's the solid heat of Dean’s _dick_ inside of him. That thought –and the combined pleasure of his hand on his erection and a finger rubbing persistently at his prostate – has Castiel reaching orgasm much earlier than normal. Well, it’s a good thing that he came now. This would just have been embarrassing if it happened while Dean was trying to penetrate him.

Castiel takes a minute to relax under the shower spray before he starts cleaning up. He’s already used most of the hot water and Sam isn’t going to be very pleased if he wakes up to a cold shower on his exam day. Which means that Castiel washes off everything that needs to be washed off as quickly as he can before turning the water off. While he’s drying off, Castiel wipes the mirror off so he can see what he’s doing while he brushes his teeth and shaves.

He brought a clean pair of underwear into the bathroom with him, but he didn’t bring a change of pajamas. Dean saw what he was wearing in the middle of the night, and it would be awkward to be caught wearing something else. Wouldn’t it? Probably. That’s not a chance Castiel will risk taking at the moment. This has to go as close to perfect as he can get it. And that means changing back into his previous night’s pajamas. They underwent a rigorous sniff test and have passed his high standards, so they’ll likely pass Dean’s.

That being said, Castiel is pouring his coffee when he realizes that he forgot to put deodorant on. Once that is taken care of, he returns to the kitchen to ponder on whether or not he should eat. If anything happens between him and Dean this morning, he’s going to need energy for it. Which means he should have something – though nothing too heavy, or too loud to make. And it needs to be something easy, since he’s not actually allowed to use the stove.

His breakfast ends up being a handful of cheese cubes and apples slices. There may be apartment rules forbidding him to use a frying pan when everyone is either sleeping or not home. But there’s no rule against him using a knife. After a few years of playing assistant to Gabriel in the kitchen, Castiel has found himself to be rather skilled with chopping, mincing, slicing, and doing all manner of things with a blade. For the most part. He’s not classically trained or anything, but he won’t lose a finger.

Breakfast is eaten in front of the TV with the news playing. With consideration to his roommates, Castiel keeps it on silent and turns on the captions. They’re mostly accurate for the better part of them, so he doesn’t have much trouble with understanding what’s going on. He’s not _that_ interested in the news to start with, so it doesn’t matter much. It’s just habit to watch it, since Father always had the news playing during whatever breakfasts Castiel shared with him during his childhood.

By the time Sam’s alarm goes off, Castiel has long finished eating and his plate is already cleaned and back in the cupboard. He briefly considers going back to bed to pretend that he’s been sleeping this whole time, but there’s no need for that pretense. Besides, the bathroom has quite clearly been used already.  Now that Sam is awake, Dean will be up soon enough. Besides, watching something and having to read the captions at the same time is helping to keep him distracted about thinking ahead.

The only thing that distracts him from his show is that Sam is being _much_ louder than he was while he goes about his own morning ritual. He doesn’t take long in the shower, but he’s much louder in the bathroom than Castiel was. And he isn’t quiet either while he’s getting dressed. Drawers are being slammed left and right in his closet. Each unexpected bang makes Castiel flinch. But if Dean wasn’t going to wake up before, then he definitely is now.

Sure enough, Dean’s bedroom door opens a few minutes later and he shuffles out with a yawn. He barely opens his eyes, let alone actually acknowledges Castiel. In his slow shuffle to the bathroom, Dean must yawn at least another two times before the door closes behind him. Sam is still in his bedroom when Dean comes out again. This time he looks much more awake than when he went in. Castiel glances over his shoulder and gets a happy little wave before Dean ducks into the kitchen and out of sight – for the most part.

Now that they’re both awake, Castiel turns the sound back on for the TV. Dean is knocking around in the cupboards and it’s extremely distracting but not in an annoying sense. It’s more anticipation than anything else and Castiel’s knee is threatening to start bouncing at any moment. He’s finding it much too hard to keep himself from fidgeting. That particular urge gets translated into a speedy click through of their entire cable package.

The thing about watching the news is the channel that gives the most varied and unbiased news has _the_ most annoying anchor Castiel has ever had the displeasure of viewing. The anchor is just ridiculously pompous (more so than Father!)  and it reflects in his voice. Castiel can’t tolerate listening to it for any length of time if he actually has to hear it. Which means he’s now on the prowl for another station that satisfies his requirements for a news channel.

Sam’s loud groan has Castiel glancing over the back of the couch again. His hand is over his eyes as he comes around the corner to the hall. “Put some damn clothes on, Dean!”

“Boxers _are_ clothes.” Dean calls back after him, along with the distinct sound of milk being poured into a bowl of Cheerios. It’s something quick that won’t keep him occupied for too long. It’s also just a bowl of cereal and it has Castiel’s heart rate picking up in speed. “And Cas doesn’t care about it. Do you, Cas?”

His thoughts slingshot right back to where they’re supposed to be. What is he not supposed to care about? Oh, right. Dean’s boxers. Actually, he cares about those a great deal – especially because he wishes that they didn’t exist for two very different reasons. One being that if they were gone, Dean would be walking around in all his naked glory and Castiel would very much like to appreciate that to his full ability. And the other being that those boxers are a horrible, _horrible_ tease and they’re trying his restraint to its limits.

But he also knows that this is the kind of argument that the Winchester brothers have on a weekly basis – since even _before_ Castiel moved in. “I’m staying out of this.”

“That’s Cas speak for _he doesn’t give a fuck_.” Well, he’s not _wrong_ , but he’s not exactly right either.

Dean’s laugh gets clearer as he steps into the living room. He’s still addressing Sam around a mouthful of cereal. “What do you care, anyways? You’re heading out for the day and you were so noisy that you woke us both up.”

“That’s incorrect.” Castiel glances over his shoulder, carefully making sure not to look at anything except Dean’s face. “He woke _you_ up. Some of us get up early regardless of how late in the day their schedule starts.” And especially if they set their alarm for almost an hour and a half ago.

Before he stuffs his mouth with more cheerios, Dean takes a moment to stick his tongue out at Sam. Castiel rolls his eyes at the same time that Sam does and turns back to TV. Sam goes back to checking his backpack for everything he’s going to need for his exam.

“Whatever. You’re _both_ weirdoes as far as I’m concerned.” His words sound harsh at face value, but there’s no true feelings behind them. Castiel knows Sam isn’t saying it to be mean. In fact, it’s more _fond_ than anything else.

Sam pulls his shoes on and opens the door. “I’ve got a job interview after my exam, by the way. The university bookstore cuts my hours for the summer, so I’m applying at every place with a help wanted sign that I can find.”

Ah, yes. He did mention that he wanted to work more during the summer to help with Dean’s bills _and_ to start building up his savings. His full scholarship covers his classes and textbooks, but there are still things Sam wants to do outside of school. Unfortunately, all those things require money and that’s something that Sam doesn’t have in excess. Castiel fully supports his decision to get a second job for the summer. He only hopes that Sam doesn’t burn himself out.

“Good luck on your exam and with the job search.” Castiel turns to wave as Sam heads out the door.

He assumes that Dean says the same, but it’s hard to tell when he’s saying out around a mouth full of Cheerios. After a few minutes, Castiel is certain that Sam isn’t coming back right away and he gets up if only to put the chain over the door. It’s become habit now to make sure that no one interrupts in case anything happens. And he sincerely hopes that something _does_ happen before he loses all of his courage to actually go through with it.

It’s a good twenty minutes before Castiel sees Dean again. He’s not even aware of what’s playing on the television for that period of time. All of his senses are focused completely on every little sound in the apartment. Specifically, on the sounds of Dean cleaning up his breakfast and returning to the bathroom. The tap runs and Castiel knows without a doubt that Dean is cleaning himself up – brushing his teeth, potentially shaving, deodorant, and God knows what else.

And in that twenty minute window, Castiel allows his fidgeting out. He drums his fingers on one knee while the other bounces at a truly astounding speed. It takes a ridiculous amount of effort to force himself to stop moving entirely when he hears footsteps coming up the hall. He does his best not to look like he’s been waiting – and it’s easier than he thought it would be. Pretending that he doesn’t immediately notice when Dean stops at the end of the couch is the hardest part.

The moment Castiel finally lets Dean catch his eye, he can’t do a thing to stop the blush that spreads across his face. Dean has this _look_ in his eye that makes his next breath catch in his throat. It’s a hungry stare that immediately starts a fire in Castiel’s veins. But Dean doesn’t move. He stays where he’s standing with his boxers hanging stupidly low on his hips and dear God, that is _not_ helping.

It’s a miracle that his hands don’t shake when he picks up the remote to turn the TV off. Perhaps it’s because all of his nerves are currently focused in his legs and they’re tingling so badly that they feel like limp noodles. Castiel is certain that he couldn’t move them even if he tried. All he can do is curls his fingers in his pajama pants over his thighs and hope the feeling comes back to his legs soon. And if it doesn’t, then Dean better do something to distract Castiel enough that he can actually move.

But Dean doesn’t say anything. He just gives Castiel a gentle smile before taking a seat. It’s a change in proximity and it’s just what he needs. Castiel’s heart jumpstarts and his brain flat lines with it. Without realizing it, he’s moving immediately and pushing right into Dean’s space. More than that, he’s actually _kissing_ him and oh, but that does wonders for Castiel’s nerves. He doesn’t even care that he might be just a little desperate and maybe a little too forceful with his kiss. This is what he _needs_ right now and by God, he’s going to have it.

His body continues to function on its own while his brain struggles to catch up. At this point, with his hands mapping the contours of Dean’s bare chest and shoulders, Castiel hopes that it doesn’t. This is something that he doesn’t want to over think. The more that he thinks about it, the more that he’ll psych himself out. He could potentially _ruin_ this for himself – for the both of them – and he doesn’t want to do that. It’s the last thing he wants to do.

Despite how Dean has always been very forward with their _interactions_ thus far, he’s fairly reserved right now. It’s almost refreshing. Castiel likes how Dean’s touches are gentle and slow, his fingers warm where they push his pajama top up. Gentle hands, but his _lips_ – oh, his lips are a very different matter. Dean’s kisses are perfect, as always. He’s right there, kissing back and doing everything that makes Castiel’s toes curl.

It’s hard to notice what he’s doing when he’s wrapped up in the sensation of Dean’s kissing. They have a special effect on him and he really doesn’t mind having his mind wiped by just a few of them. Castiel doesn’t even realize that he’s practically on top of Dean until there are suddenly hands insides his underwear and actually gripping his _ass_. Out of sheer surprise, Castiel’s hips snap forward and he can’t keep quiet. A groan rumbles in the back of his throat as Dean squeezes and actually has him shivering.

There’s no doubt in his mind that this is happening. They’re going to have sex and it’s going to be today and Castiel groans again. It breaks the kiss, but Dean’s mouth doesn’t go far. He starts mouthing along Castiel’s jaw and his neck. Every scrape of teeth or stubble sends tingles across Castiel’s skin and causes all manner of heat to pool in the pit of his stomach.

“Hey, Cas?” Dean’s breath is warm on his skin and Castiel has to fight to keep from whimpering. Especially when Dean pushes his hands further into his pants and rubs his fingertip over Castiel’s hole, and – _oh_. “Can we do _it_ today?”

Castiel shudders almost violently at the touch and he couldn’t keep quiet if he tried. All he can do is tip his head back to give Dean all the room he needs to taste. It’s all he can do to make himself nod. If this is all it takes to overwhelm him with sensation, what’s going to happen when it’s not Dean’s fingers that are actually inside of him? God, but he hopes that he doesn’t just implode from it all. That would be messy and awkward.

But Dean’s finger keeps rubbing and he keeps mouthing at his throat and Castiel is quickly losing all ability to do anything else. He wants to do this, but before they do anything, they need a change of venue right away.

“Not –” _Oh_. Dean nips at the hinge of his jaw and Castiel momentarily loses the ability to speak. Enough! Where are his hands again? Yes, Dean’s hair. He uses his grip there to pull Dean’s head back again. His mouth is much too distracting. “Dean, not _here_.”

Castiel’s voice is nothing more than a whisper, but he hopes that he hears him. Judging by how quickly Dean gets them both to their feet, there’s a good chance that he did. But as soon as they’re standing, Dean’s mouth is back on Castiel’s throat. If this wasn’t reality, Castiel would be inclined to think that Dean was a vampire for how much attention he’s paying to his neck. It’s almost as if there’s something that he wants to do that he’s not – oh, never mind.

Dean is back to kissing him again and all is right in the world. It’s even better because they’re stumbling on their way to Dean’s bedroom. Castiel enjoys the fact that they’re losing their clothing along the way. Technically speaking, _he_ is the one losing it. Dean doesn’t have anything but his boxers to lose. But even those are gone by the time they reach the bedroom. They have to kick the door closed behind them, but not even that stops their naked shuffle to the bed.

It takes a lot longer than Castiel thought it would, but he doesn’t mind. Taking their time like this gives him plenty of time to get arouse – not that he needs it. Castiel is already erect and he can’t keep himself from rubbing up against Dean every time they’re close enough for it. Dean seems to be of the same regard and neither of them are complaining. Though that might be the reason why it takes what feels like forever to finally reach the bed.

The moment Dean’s knees fold at the press of the mattress against the back of them, Castiel has to swallow to keep his heart from climbing out his throat. Now that they’ve reached the bed, it’s just one more step closer to having sex. It’s only a matter of a few minute before he’s going to have Dean’s fingers stretching him open again. And after that, they’re going to – and he’s going to be – His heart can’t possibly pound any harder than it already is, but it’s giving its best attempt at it.

A distraction. Oh God, but Castiel still needs a distraction. He doesn’t let Dean get far from him as they move up the bed, and he’s right there above him the moment they’re settled. It feels almost like second nature to straddle Dean’s thighs, and it certainly feels natural for him to start rocking his hips. Their erections brush together with each movement and it feels amazing. As long as the pleasure keeps happening, Castiel is certain that he’ll be able to get through this without his brain over thinking everything and ruining this for him. He _wants_ this and nothing, not even his own head, is going to stop him from having it.

The way Dean is staring up at him has Castiel’s heart doing back flips in his chest. It’s not helped by how Dean’s hands are rubbing his thighs so gently, encouraging him to keep the slow rhythm of his hips. His eyes are dark and wanting, and oh but Castiel wants to give Dean everything. He can have it. As far as Castiel is concerned, he’s already Dean’s in every way imaginable – except officially. If that ever happened and Dean was his and only his, Castiel would probably die from happiness. It sounds improbable, but he thinks it might be possible. He’ll have to check into that later.

For now, the view he has of Dean’s chest is inspiring a _very_ important question. “Do you like to have your nipples touched too, Dean?” He hasn’t touched them yet and Castiel has an itch to try it. If only to keep his mind and his hands busy.

“It’s pretty good, I guess.” Dean shrugs, but there’s a smile on his face. He raises his arms above his head to hold the pillow. “You can touch ‘em, if you want.”

Well, there’s just no stopping him now. Castiel will absolutely touch them. But he wants to make these feel good for Dean, and he’s going to take his time with it. He takes his sweet time by exploring everywhere from Dean’s lips to his chest with touches and kisses. Everywhere his hands touch, he absolutely kisses after. And he must be doing something right, considering the sounds Dean makes. The best sound comes when Castiel’s teeth find his nipple.

When it was Dean’s hands on his chest, Castiel enjoyed having Dean pinch them. He’s also enjoyed when Dean used his teeth on his neck. And since _he_ liked them, maybe Dean will like them being combined together in one place that Castiel finds to be rather sensitive. Carefully, he scrapes his teeth over one of his nipples. That gets him another happy sound, but Castiel doesn’t get anything if all he does is run his tongue over it.

It delights him to find new ways to bring Dean pleasure and that just makes him want to do more. He catalogues what he learns away and chooses giving pleasure over learning anything more right now. It’s not exactly easy to wiggle his way down the bed, but Castiel does his best at it, just so he can keep kissing Dean’s body. Dean apparently likes the direction things are taking, because he starts pushing at Castiel’s shoulders to get him to move even lower as quickly as he can.

The moment Castiel’s mouth moves over his erection, Dean sighs happily and he knows that he’s on the right path. His hands are in Castiel’s hair the moment he takes him in his mouth and _sucks_. The sting when Dean’s fingers tighten in his hair is well worth it and he has to suppress the full body shiver that it incites. Again. He wants that feeling again and Castiel throws himself into his – well, he’s lost count of how many times he’s worked at it, but this is the next attempt to give Dean the best blow job he’s ever received. It’s doubtful, but Castiel plans to keep working at it until he’s earned that title.

Unfortunately, Dean doesn’t give him very long to work at it. Before too long, Dean is tugging at his hair to pull him back again – and right back into another kiss. Thought that doesn’t last long either. Dean pulls away from that with a lascivious smile. “You like my cock that much, huh, Cas?”

Truthfully, yes. But Castiel could never admit that out loud. Even just thinking of it has him blushing and he ducks his head to hide it. “I just want to get better at it.” Which he does, and if Dean likes that answer, then maybe he’ll let Castiel practice more often.

His stomach practically turns inside out when Dean smiles at him. It’s soft and fond and everything that Castiel’s loves about him. He loves it even more when Dean kisses his forehead. “Don’t you worry about that. I’ll give you _plenty_ of practice.”

Does that mean he’ll let Castiel get back to work right now? Oh, apparently not. Dean stretches across the bed for the side table. Castiel freezes and swallows hard when he looks over and, sure enough, there are condoms and lube sitting on the end table. He’s not sure if he’s _more_ turned on by the fact that Dean had them set out and waiting, or if his heart is going to give out from nerves. The lube is the only thing that Dean grabs, but he stops and glances back at him, one eyebrow raised in question.

They’re only fuck buddies and Dean is still so considerate and thoughtful. He’s waiting for Castiel to give his approval for them to move forward. The reins are still in Castiel’s hands and he could end this right now if he’s not ready or comfortable or for any number of reasons. God, but that just makes him love Dean all the more. He might be nervous, but he still nods. Yes, he wants to keep going, to take every step between here and annoying the downstairs neighbours with the creak of bedsprings.

Maybe his nerves are showing, because Dean pulls Castiel into a quick though thoroughly distracting kiss. “You want practice, Cas? Have you ever tried a sixty-nine?”

A – _what_? What do numbers have to do with sex? Now Castiel _has_ to find out what that is. He lets Dean throw all the pillows to the floor and maneuver him to where he wants Castiel to be. The last thing he expected was to end up on his back with Dean kneeling directly above him. He finds himself face to face with Dean’s genitals, and he knows exactly what to do with that. Castiel gets right back to his practice while Dean drops to his elbows and does the same to him.

There’s no stopping his groan of approval when Dean’s lips slide over his erection. And on top of that, there’s a lubed finger rubbing over his hole. He knows what’s next and he can’t wait for it. His hips agree and they rock to push up into Dean’s mouth and back against that finger. There’s no other way he could get that finger in him without saying it, and he can’t exactly do that when there’s a penis in his mouth. But he doesn’t expect Dean to guide his hips to keep moving.

Castiel loses all sense of everything when that first finger slips in. His grip on Dean’s thighs is practically white-knuckled and he can hardly hold still while Dean works his fingers into him. He can’t keep quiet either, even while he’s in the middle of a very enthusiastic blow job. Little noises keep slipping out around Dean’s erection, or rumbling deep in the back of his throat. Maybe it’s anticipation that makes everything feel even more amazing than usual.

He barely remembers how to breathe properly when Dean finally pulls away to kneel next to him instead of over him. There’s a smile on his lips the taste of _Castiel_ on his lips when they kiss. Dean wipes his hands clean on the sheets as he helps him to sit upright, kissing him all the while. But each kiss is soft and all too gentle. It’s going to be _much_ too easy to trick himself into thinking that Dean actually cares for him as _more_ than a friend.

Dean runs his hands through Castiel’s hair gently. “You doing okay?”

“I’m fine.” The touch is gentle too and he can’t help from leaning into it. His heart won’t calm down and he knows he’s holding onto Dean’s arms almost too hard. It’s the only way he can stop them from trembling. Unfortunately his voice, however, is an entirely different matter. “Are you – are you going to fuck me now, Dean?”

A part of him relaxes slightly, even though it shouldn’t, when Dean shakes his head. “Not yet.” Their faces are so close that their noses brush together when Dean does that. “I wanna make sure you’re good and ready.”

 _So_ considerate. Dean knows that this is the first time that Castiel has been on the receiving end of sex and he’s just being so gentle about it. That makes all of this so much easier than Castiel thought it would be. Of course, that doesn’t stop him from continuing to feel at least somewhat nervous. Though that is _immensely_ helped by the way Dean’s hands are rubbing up and down his back, and the soft kisses he keeps giving him.

“You okay with being on your stomach while I finish prepping you?”

If he thinks that will be better, than alright. Castiel gathers his courage enough for a nod and he reaches over the edge of the bed to get one of the pillows. Past experience tells him that having one under his chest is way more comfortable than just being flat on his belly. He hides his face in it, but being on his stomach with his legs spread just feels _weird_. Instead, Castiel opts for being on his knees. Hopefully Dean won’t mind this.

Since he doesn’t correct him, Castiel figures that it must be alright, especially since Dean gets right back to working him open again. Every muscle in his body is trembling, but he does his best to hold still. It’s difficult to do when Dean continues to cover his back in kisses. _And_ Dean keeps doing things with his spare hand that is driving him _insane_. He keeps stroking him or pressing places that make Castiel feel like the fire in his veins is going to break through his skin and burn him alive.

It feels like it takes forever - and simultaneously much too soon - before Dean sits back and his hands leave his body. That's one particular moment that Castiel hates. He feels like he's lost and floating somewhere out of reach until Dean touches him again. But that feels like it's never going to happen wit how long he's left untouched.

“Alright, Cas. D’you think you're ready?” Dean asks, his voice soft and as gentle as his hands had been. “D’you still want to go through with this?”

Slowly, Castiel twists to look over his shoulder. He stares at Dean and he can feel his brain trying to churn back to life. It wants to think this through again, even though he's done it a hundred times since he agreed to being Dean's fuck buddy. Part of him isn't sure about this. It's a small, quiet, barely there part of him, but it's still there nonetheless. And Castiel hates that tiny voice of doubt because the rest of him, almost all of him _wants this._

"It's up to you." The gentle hand brushing over his hip is enough to help him make up his mind. "I'm not gonna do anything you don't want." That comforting smile Dean offers him only reaffirms his decision.

"I want it." Castiel's voice still trembles slightly, but that's more out of nerves than anything else. He's never had sex before and this is - this is thrilling and exciting and terrifying all at once. "Don't - please, don't stop." Otherwise they run the risk of his courage failing and they might postpone and end up never doing this and Castiel would just hate himself for it.

He might be imagining the way Dean's shoulders relax slightly, but Castiel ignores it and looks away again. Of course Dean would have been worried that Castiel might have refused him. It would have been disappointing to have gotten this far only to learn that he wouldn't be allowed any further. But Castiel wants this. He'll have it. They're going to do it. And he absolutely doesn't have to suppress a shiver at the sound of the condom wrapping being opened.

When Dean touches his hips again, Castiel has to stop himself from jumping. He takes a deep breath and holds it as Dean leans over him. The weight against his back is comforting, and the kisses Dean gives to the small of his back are just as good. Even the little circles his thumbs are rubbing into the back of his hips are just as calming. It helps him relax just a little more.

"Do you want to do it like this?" Dean whispers against his skin, making him shiver. "Or on your back?"

"This is - this is fine." Castiel whispers and he ducks his head to hide his face in the pillow again. "This is okay." His body belies his words, though. He's starting to tremble again and his muscles get tense whether he wants them to or not.

At any other time, Castiel would probably prefer being on his back and facing Dean. But for right now, for his first time, he'd rather be facing away. He doesn't want anything to show on his face that might end this. Dean has thus far been a very considerate partner and he would likely stop if he saw anything even remotely like a grimace on Castiel's face.

With the pillow hiding his face, Castiel even bites his lip at the sound of the lube squishing between Dean's fingers. His grip on the pillow tightens when he feels Dean's fingers slip inside again, checking one last time. It feels good and it's just a precursor for what's coming next. There's a whole flutter of butterflies going crazy inside his stomach; a combination of anticipation and nervousness that might actually make him throw up if they don't get on with this soon.

Dean's fingers slip out and not more than a moment later, something else catches against the rim of his hole. Castiel knows what it is and his immediate reaction surprises him. A gasp punches out of his chest, sharp and painful as his hips roll back. It's almost like his body wants it even more than the rest of him does. He has to bite back a whine of disappointment when Dean leans back out of the way, taking his heat away with him.

"Slow down, Cas." Dean murmurs, his hands slipping over Castiel's sides on their way up to hold his hips. "This is your first time taking it, right? I don't want to hurt you." This is his first time ever, but that doesn’t really matter, does it? He needs to just get to it and stop drawing this part out even longer.

"We'll go nice and slow to start, and when you're comfortable -" Dean pauses as he leans over Castiel again. His chest is pressed all up against his back and his breath is hot against Castiel's ear. "And when you're finally comfortable, I'll make you fucking _scream_."

Is that a promise? Castiel muffles a groan into the pillow and squeezes his eyes shut. He's seen plenty of sex on screen now, thanks to Dean, and he knows what this promise will entail - and it's making his blood _boil._ Castiel wants it. God, but he's rarely ever wanted anything more than this. He needs to do something, anything, that will get Dean to do it. To get on with it and let him have what he's apparently craving. His body on its own, giving him the answer he needs. His hips roll back against Dean's to rub his ass over the hard line of Dean's erection.

That must do it, because Castiel can feel Dean's smile against the back of his neck. It precedes a trail of kisses being laid down along his spine until he's run out of room and can only sit back again. His hands bracket Castiel's hips, holding them tight as he lines up again. Castiel bites back a groan as he feels the head of Dean's erection press against his hole. This is it - this is it - this is _it_. Oh God, this is it! He can feel his heart hammering against his ribs and his toes are already curling in the sheets.

It's a blessing that Dean doesn't tease him any further than this. The first push hurts a bit and Castiel throws his head back, the pillow caught between his teeth. He absolutely will _not_ make any sound that might sound like he’s in pain. Castiel refuses. And this one little bit of pain doesn’t mean that everything is going to hurt. This is just the beginning. The internet always said that the first bit is usually like this and then it will be fine. Or, at least, that’s what he remembers from it.

Oh – oh – oh _fuck_. Castiel’s groan rumbles around the pillow regardless of how hard he bites it. He can _feel_ Dean push in even further and it feels _amazing_. There’s pain, yes, but not enough to overshadow how good it feels to have Dean rock in and out slowly. It’s hard to breathe while biting the pillow and Castiel lets it go so he can pant against it. Dean is in him. Dean is actually _inside_ of him and this is what’s going to kill him.

Pleasant goosebumps spread across his skin when he can actually feel Dean’s hips pressed against his hips. Another wave of it rolls across him when Dean groans long, low, and loud. Does that mean he likes this too? What does it feel like for him? For Castiel, there’s almost too much for him to notice. There’s a heat deep inside him that isn’t his and it’s weird and different and wonderful all at the same time. Castiel wants to move and feel that slide of Dean inside him again, and yet he doesn’t want him to move ever again. This is heaven and everything is perfect.

It’s surprising that Dean actually manages to make this _better_. He stretches out across Castiel’s back again, pushing against Castiel’s hips until they’re flush to the bed. The sheets are sweet, sweet friction for Castiel’s erection and he whimpers softly at the feeling. It’s so hard to keep himself from thrusting against them. Besides, how is he supposed to do that? Dean is heavy on top of him and hot inside of him and Castiel absolutely _loves_ it. Can he frame this moment in time so he’ll always have it forever?

But this is taking so _long_. What is Dean waiting for? Castiel wants him to move and he wants him to move _now_. If he could find his voice, he’d tell him to, but that takes a while. As soon as Castiel _does_ manage to gather himself enough for words, all he managed to get out is a soft whimper. Even then, it’s mostly muffled by the pillow.

“ _Move_.”

Castiel almost wants to cry tears of joy when Dean pushes up. The first few rolls of his hips are small and gentle and absolutely perfect. There’s just one problem with it and it’s that Dean isn’t lying on top of him anymore. Though he doesn’t have that, he _does_ have Dean leaning in again to actually _lick_ at the curve of his ear. It makes him shiver in the best of ways and muffle a soft whine in the back of his throat. More than that, it has him squeezing around Dean’s erection and he really needs to do that more because it makes Dean’s breathing stutter and grow heavy.

“How do you want it, Cas?” Dean whispers directly into his ear and Castiel tenses on reflex, making Dean huff a soft groan in his ear. He actually stops moving for a moment while he gets his voice working again. And when he does, Castiel almost wishes he hadn’t.

“Do you want it slow and sweet?” His voice is soft and sultry as his kisses spread across Castiel’s neck and shoulders. Dean’s hips rock at a gentle pace that makes Castiel blush more than anything else. It’s nice and he would be more than happy with it. This is the kind of soft and sweet that he imagines lovers would do. That’s good, but it’s not enough. There’s something missing and Castiel just doesn’t know what it might be.

“Or do you want it hard and fast?” Bless Dean for always knowing the answers to the questions Castiel never asks. Instead of the gentle rocking of their bodies that Castiel is growing accustomed to, Dean lifts his hips and thrusts into him hard and fast.

If Castiel was enjoying this before, then he doesn’t even have words for how good _that_ feels. He has a visceral near _primal_ reaction to it. All that comes out of his mouth is a gasp, but Castiel’s whole body shudders with delight. _This_ is what was missing and dear God but he wants more of it. His hand stings a little when he slaps it against the wall, but he doesn’t care. Castiel braces himself against it to shove back against Dean as hard as he can. More, God, please, he wants _more_.

“Reading you loud and clear, Cas.” Dean’s voice carries his grin and his teeth catch Castiel’s ear, tugging at it sharply for too brief of a moment. That little nip feels so good too and Castiel wants even more of it.

And that’s it. That’s all Castiel can think of anymore. His ability to breathe is utterly destroyed as Dean grips his hips tightly and sets up a near brutal pace. Every thrust draws an untold number of sharp noises from Castiel’s vocal chords whether he wills it or not and he absolutely doesn’t care about it at all. He doesn’t even care that more than half the sounds are in the form of Dean’s name. His whole body is jostled every time Dean pushes back into him and he loves that just as much as he loves actually being able to feel Dean move in him.

More, dear God, he wants _more_. Castiel can’t get a good enough grip on the sheets to push back and it’s not comfortable use the wall to shove back against Dean. There’s not enough leverage and he wants more – _needs_ more. This could only be improved upon if they were kissing, but at this point, Castiel can’t even bring himself to care about that. His everything is focused on where and how their bodies connect. The slide of their bodies together; the press of hot hands to his skin; the heat of Dean’s breath against the back of his neck, carrying the ghost of Castiel’s name; and the fireworks behind his eyes every time Dean hits that special spot inside of him.

Castiel outright keens Dean’s name when he takes the initiative to reach under him. It’s too much stimulus when Dean starts stroking him and Castiel groans long and loud. This is what’s going to tip him over the edge. He just knows it – up until Dean’s grip on his erection tightens almost painfully.

“ _Fuck_.” The curse is on Castiel’s lip unexpectedly, but unsurprisingly.

How _dare_ he?! Castiel wants to come and he wants to do it _now_ , but Dean’s hand is preventing it and this is what’s going to kill him. As happy as he is by that, meaning that they’ll continue being connected and everything will feel good and amazing forever, he still wants to come and he’s prepared to complain, but all that comes out is a ‘ _yes_ ’ followed by several of its siblings when Dean tilts Castiel’s hips at just the right angle. This is better than any fingering, done by him or by Dean, and Castiel never wants it to end – regardless of how badly he wants to orgasm right now.

That bright precipice of his orgasm is right in front of him and Castiel very nearly cries when it’s torn from him. Actually, it doesn’t turn out to be so bad. Dean’s arms wrap around his chest and his stomach as he sits back, pulling Castiel up with him. Now he’s more or less kneeling in Dean’s lap with him still buried deep and practically burning Castiel from the inside out. His head lolls back against Dean’s shoulder and Castiel gasps for every breath, his hands gripping Dean’s wrists tight.

They’re not moving. Why aren’t they moving? Why has Dean _stopped_? Castiel can’t even bite back the whine on his tongue. They’re not done, are they? He hasn’t come and he’s fairly certain that Dean hasn’t. As far as he knows, it’s not normal to stop in the middle of things. And it’s certainly not normal for Dean to shuffle them up the bed – is it? Maybe it is. Right now, Castiel can barely remember anything they’ve watched together, let alone what usually happens when _porn stars_ have sex. And that’s hardly an example of _normal_.

Dean is pressed all against Castiel’s back while he moves the pillow and gets them close to the wall at the head of the bed. This is disrupting the rhythm and pulling Castiel farther and farther away from his orgasm and he hates it. He wants to come and get back his ability to properly _think_. When he can do that, he might actually be able to focus enough to do something to make this feel good for Dean too. With their position, he can’t really tell if Dean is enjoying this.

Castiel bites his lip and squirms in place. It feels _weird_ to just be sitting here with Dean inside of him. Not a bad weird, but the kind of weird that leaves him craving something – something _more_. He wants Dean to move, obviously. Hard and fast – a way that makes Castiel nearly delirious with pleasure. God, yes, he wants that and he’ll do anything to make Dean do that again. That includes leaning forward and pressing his hands against the walls when Dean guides him to do so.

There’s sweat in his hair and beading on his skin, and still Dean presses kisses to the tattooed wings on Castiel’s back. His hands slide all Castiel’s arms and down over his chest, fingers brushing over and tweaking his nipples. It’s another jolt of sensation spiking through him and another whine slips from his lips. Why won’t Dean _move_? He’s just – he’s only sitting there and no amount of hip wiggling is getting him to react and actually _do something_.

“Dean –” Castiel chokes out his name, his throat feeling far too raw for how little he’s actually said. “Please –” Why are words so hard to form? He twists to look over his shoulder, fighting to focus on Dean’s face and hoping that his expression will be able to communicate where he feels like his words aren’t doing the job. “ _Move_ , Dean.”

The grin Dean gives him in answer does not inspire much hope. But at least he drops a hand to Castiel’s lap to gently stroke him. “Why don’t you try moving for yourself, Cas?”

He has _got_ to be joking. Castiel groans and hangs his head between his shoulders. How can he be so mean? It’s not like Castiel knows _how_ to move. And he’s not entirely sure that his body is going to listen to him right now. Every muscle feels like it’s going to give out whenever he tries to move a limb. Everything is trembling and weak and he just wants Dean to press him into the bed and have his way with him. Is that too much to ask? Besides, _Dean_ is the one who knows what he’s doing here.

His bottom lip is going to be raw and very sore by the time this is done. Castiel worries it with his teeth as he struggles to lift himself in Dean’s lap. Even his breathing is weak and shaking as Dean rubs his thighs, an encouraging gesture for Castiel to continue. Right away, he knows that this isn’t going to be nearly as good as it was when he was on his belly. His legs are spread much too wide, thanks to Dean’s knees, and he can’t rise up high enough. The only thing that Castiel has working for him is gravity when he drops back down into Dean’s lap, but even that isn’t as hard as before.

Castiel wants the full body jolt that comes with Dean thrusting into him. He wants the sharp slap of skin on skin without the sting of a spanking – which is something he’ll have to watch more of. There’s been a few porn that they’ve watched where they had a singular slap or two, but it wasn’t enough for Castiel to form much of an opinion on it. What he knows now is that he likes _this_ – or, at least, what they were doing before. He wants it again and Dean just isn’t giving it to him.

Luckily, Castiel is not above begging.

“Dean.” There’s not enough air in his lungs and Castiel can only gasp the words. It’s a struggle to lift his head enough to look over his shoulder again, eyes wide and pleading. “Dean – please – I can’t.” He rolls his hips and muffles a whine. “It’s not the same. Please, I –” The words get lost in a frustrated groan and Castiel hangs his head again, eyes squeezed shut with the concentration needed for the effort he’s making. An effort that his body just won’t play along with.

“You’ve done good, Cas.” Dean’s kiss to the back of his neck is as soft as his voice.

The sudden hard snap of his hips is everything Castiel wanted and more. He jerks hard in Dean’s lap, his head falling back again with a surprised shout. It dissolves into a long, drawn out ‘ _yes_ ’ and Castiel is almost completely lost. Dean does a very good job of making sure that he stays on the path to the best orgasm he has _ever_ had.

Castiel isn’t sure how he did it exactly, but it feels like in no time at all the inferno in his belly goes supernova and his whole body locks up. Everything from his head to his fingertips to his toes is left tingling and his throat hurts from – well – _everything_. He can’t even move while he trembles through his orgasm against Dean’s chest. He can’t move, he can’t speak, he can’t even _think_. Everything is perfect and Castiel doesn’t care about a single damn thing. Life is never going to get more perfect than this moment – except that Dean needs to come too, of course.

As soon as the lights stop popping behind his eyelids, and Castiel regains the ability to breathe, he sags back against Dean. He still can’t move even slightly and he wouldn’t have it any other way. No, wait. He takes that back. Dean kisses the side of his neck before he carefully rearranges them on the bed. Castiel’s appreciative groan is almost lost to the pillow when he drags it under him again. Amazingly enough, Dean is still in him and Castiel honestly doesn’t mind it in the least. It’s an almost comforting to feel this full now.

But Dean isn’t done yet. When he starts moving again, hard and fast just like before, Castiel desperately wishes that he was hard again just so he could enjoy it to its full extent. Right now all he gets from this, at best, is the satisfaction of knowing that Dean is going to come soon. Oh, well, the aftershocks of pleasure that dance along his bones whenever his overly sensitive bits are touched in some way certainly isn’t anything to sniff at.

Though he’s always been into photography rather than videography, Castiel would love to record this moment just for the sound Dean makes when he comes. His hips are flat against Castiel’s backside, twitching as he groans through his orgasm. It’s a broken, beautiful noise made against his wings and it’s the only thing Castiel wants to listen to for the rest of his life. If possible, he’d also like to have Dean continue moving in him for the rest of ever, no matter what – except... Everything is well on its way to feeling slightly sore.

Is it possible for Dean to remain connected with him like this without moving? He doesn’t want Dean to pull away right now – or ever. He wants to stay like this forever. Or would that be bad? Are there any consequences to having a flaccid penis in one’s ass? Castiel isn’t sure, but he _is_ slightly worried about it. But he doesn’t want to be. Everything feels so good, so why can’t he just accept that? Most likely because he knows that Dean is going to pull out and roll away and this is going to be over. They’re going to have to go about their day pretending that this never happened when they see each other again.

The moment Dean pulls out, Castiel lets him know he’s displeased by it with a disappointed groan. At least Dean makes the same sound. Does that mean that he didn’t want to pull away too? Did he also want to stay connected? It would be nice if he did. Then maybe Castiel wouldn’t feel so lonely when Dean rolls away and sits up at the edge of the bed. He’s barely even a whole twelve inches away, but Castiel wants him as close as physically possible. Pressed against him in every way imaginable would be the most preferred option, if he had to be honest.

For fear that longing might present itself in his expression, Castiel tucks his arms under his pillow and hides his face in it. Since they’re merely _fuck buddies_ , does that mean that any form of post-coital cuddling is out of the question? Castiel would absolutely _love_ to have that. As amazing as the sex was (and dear God, he hopes that he’d be allowed to have it again), he might actually prefer the intimacy of a good snuggle over that. If only because now that his mind is starting to clear, he’s not sure how he’s supposed to feel now that they’re finished.

Castiel knows that he’s happy. Beyond all sense of reason, yes, he most definitely _is_ happy. But – he’s not sure if he does or does not feel ashamed for having sex with someone who doesn’t love him and that he’s not in a _relationship_ with. And that’s not even considering the fact that this could have utterly ruined their friendship. It’s hard to tell when there’s so many things that he’s feeling – both emotionally and physically.

He flinches when Dean clears his throat. “So –” Dean is stretching when Castiel chances a quick peek at him. “How’d you like getting fucked for a change, Cas? It’s almost better than topping, right?”

If he had something to compare it to, he might have a better answer. All he can manage now is gathering himself up enough that he can actually manage to sit up. It’s not an easy thing to do, considering that his muscles are still trembling. There’s still sweat on his skin and on his face. Castiel takes a deep breath to calm himself in the hopes that his voice won’t tremble, and he pushes the hair out of his face.

“It was –” The smile Castiel gives Dean is a bit shaky, but it’s genuine. “I enjoyed myself.” That’s for certain. There has been little else in his life that he enjoyed more than he did that.

His honesty brings the brightest of smiles to Dean’s face and that settles some of Castiel’s fears. With a smile like that, Dean _must_ not be worried about their friendship. They had sex and things are still okay between them. More or less. Castiel doesn’t really have any problem with it. He’s just happy to have at least _some_ hope that everything is more or less the same between them.

Dean moves a little closer and Castiel can’t help swaying slightly towards him. God help him, but Dean just has so much warm naked skin available to him and he wants to lean into him for the rest of the day. Screw his studying and his upcoming exams. At this point, it’s hard to care about anything else when he has Dean so close and willing to be with him.

“Does that mean you’d be okay with more of this?”

Castiel opens his mouth, a question on the tip of his tongue that he bites back. He closes it for a moment to let him think. It’s a good question. _Would_ he be okay with having sex with Dean again? There are plenty of things that could change between now and then that might affect his decision. But at this exact moment? There’s really only one answer he can give. And if he wasn’t already flushed, he’d probably be blushing right now – especially with that one particular question he _does_ want to have answered.

He rubs the back of his neck, nervous about question he’s not sure he can work up the nerve to actually ask, and nods. “I would.”

As soon as he says that, Dean’s smile falls. “You were going to say something else, weren’t you?” His eyes narrow into a suspicious squint. “It’s great and all that you want to do it again, but what were you going to say?”

No. Castiel can’t say it. If he does, he might ruin his chances of doing this again. “It’s not important.” He shakes his head and turns away from Dean. No, he definitely shouldn’t even slightly think about that one particular question. That’s just asking too much and he feels _much_ too worried that asking about it might make him lose this all completely.

Since Dean is one to pry about these things, it would be best that Castiel removes himself from the room as soon as possible. After all, he does need a shower. And the more space that he puts between him and Dean, the less likely he is to drag Dean back to the middle of the bed for that cuddling he’s craving. Yes, that’s a good plan and it starts with Castiel carefully making his way to the edge of the bed opposite from Dean. Space is good. Space is _safe_.

“Don’t do that, Cas.” Apparently Dean doesn’t share the same idea. He has Castiel by the arm before his feet have even touched the floor. “If we’re going to be doing this shit together, we need to communicate. We gotta know what each other does and doesn’t like. So, spit it out. Was it the part where I made you move on your own? Or did you not like that hard? Or –”

“No!” Castiel turns to him sharply. How could Dean even _think_ that he didn’t enjoy _everything_ they just did? “Dean, I have no complaints about anything we just did. It was all _very_ enjoyable and I liked it.” He might even say that he loved it. There’s no wonder now why there are so many people who are absolutely obsessed with it.

Dean’s shoulders relax slightly, but he still looks confused – and perhaps a little hurt. “Then what were you going to say?” His expression has Castiel’s stomach twisting itself into little knots. It’s hopeful and curious and somewhat sad. “Were you going to ask me something?”

Yes, yes he was. But even just _thinking_ of the question has Castiel blushing again and he’s warm from head to toe because of it. He can’t even _imagine_ the situation where his question would apply without – No. It’s important and he should ask it. Especially if they’re going to continue doing this. Because it – it’s something that he knows without a doubt that he would _really_ want.

Castiel pulls his arm free and pushes his hand through his hair. He can do this. He can ask this. He _can_. “I was just wondering if… Would I ever be allowed to –” Castiel shrugs, unsure of how to word this. Instead, he just gestures at Dean and hopes that he gets the point. “You?”

With just a few words, he has managed to eradicate the worry in Dean’s eyes and replaced it with amusement. In fact, Dean almost laughs. “Yeah, of course you can, Cas. I like giving, sure, but receiving is pretty damn great too.” He winks and Castiel blushes at it, knowing that he absolutely agrees. “And I’d like to see what kind of moves you’ve got.”

Any joy that had managed to accumulate at Dean’s answer shrivels up and dies. He looks down and his lap, lips pressed together tightly in the hopes that he’ll be able to hide his expression from Dean. He doesn’t _have_ any moves to show Dean. This was the first time he’s ever had sex and he had hoped that his many hints and obvious naïveté would have been enough for Dean to know that without Castiel having to say anything.

Of course he never wanted to tell Dean straight because there was always the risk that Dean wouldn’t want to do anything with a virgin. But he’s dropped several hints since this change to their friendship, and apparently all of them have gone over Dean’s head. Any skills in this department that he’s displayed have all been by pure luck. It’s all instinct and what little he’s garnered from watching porn with Dean. And now he needs to break the news to Dean that he just took his virginity.

“I think you’ve misunderstood me, Dean.” Castiel shifts nervously and glances up at Dean, but he can’t hold his gaze for long before he looks away again. He doesn’t want to see the realization, or the disappointment or horror that Dean might feel when he learns the truth. “I tried telling you, but it wasn’t just anal sex that I’ve never had before.”

His admittance is followed by silence. It’s long and awkward and the longer it goes on, the more Castiel feels like he might cry. When Dean clears his throat, Castiel very nearly flinches. “ _What_?”

He sounds surprised, understandably, but there’s no anger in his question that Castiel can detect. Dean’s voice is actually a few octaves higher than usual, his question coming as more of a squeak than anything else. But it’s not _angry_ and that helps calm Castiel’s own fears quite a bit. It gives him just enough courage to continue his explanation and he takes a deep breath to calm the rest of him.

With that, he’s able to lift his head and look Dean in the eye again. “I’ve never had sex before. At all.” Dean’s wide eyes get even wider and he’s staring at Castiel with an open mouth. He continues on. “Everything I know about it is what I’ve seen in Gabriel’s magazines, the stories you’ve told, and the porn we’ve watched – as well as some research and pointers I looked up after you first fingered me.”

There’s still a blush burning under his skin and Castiel can feel it get darker as he forces himself to continue looking at Dean. If the truth is out now, then he sound tell the rest of it – up to a point. “You were also my first kiss.”

“Son of a bitch.”

Aside from the surprise clearly evident on Dean’s face, Castiel isn’t sure of what else he might be feeling. Is he simply shocked or is he upset too? Is he angry that this was kept from him? Dean needs to show more. He needs to _do_ something. Anything. Castiel doesn’t care. He just wants some kind of reaction so he can know just how badly he messed everything up by being stupid and selfish. But all Dean is doing is staring and Castiel just knows that he’s ruined something – probably _everything_.

He can just see it now. Dean is never going to want to touch him again. If Castiel is lucky, he might actually be allowed to continue living here. But he doubts that. He wouldn’t be surprised if Dean didn’t want to. No, no, no, he doesn’t want that. Castiel doesn’t want to _leave_. Well, he does want to go hide in the bathroom for the rest of the day, but that’s beside the point.

Maybe – maybe if he explains himself and apologizes, then Dean won’t be so angry? But just in case, he’ll retreat while he does it. “I’m sorry, Dean.” Castiel gets off the bed as quickly as he can, not wanting to intrude in Dean’s bedroom anymore. “I thought I had been fairly obvious, but you kept referring to my past partners and I thought that if I said anything about my being a virgin then you wouldn’t want to continue our arrangement.”

Castiel starts heading for the door on wobbly legs, not caring about how naked he is. All he wants is to get out before Dean finds his voice again. “I’m sorry. I should have – you can just forget –” Everything, just as long as he doesn’t have to move out.

“Whoa, Cas, hey.” Dean is quick when he needs to be and in an instant he’s standing in front of Castiel, his hand wrapped around his arm again. It’s the warm look in his eyes and the soft smile on his lips that keeps Castiel from trying to pull away. “Don’t worry about it, okay? This is totally fine with me.”

When Dean pulls him into a hug, Castiel doesn’t try to break away from that either. He’s too stunned to react, actually. Even so, this is a hug from Dean and those always have the most calming effect imaginable on Castiel. He sags into the hug, trying his best to ignore the fact that they’re both naked. If he could, he’d drag Dean right back to the bed and their hug could continue there.

But there’s just one question on his mind and no matter how much he doesn’t want to ask it, he has to. Castiel _has_ to make sure that Dean is really alright with this. “Are you sure? I basically _lied_ to you.” And he hates himself for it. He doesn’t like keeping things from Dean, but he also doesn’t want to do anything that will result in losing what little he’s allowed to have.

Dean draws back just far enough to press a kiss to Castiel’s forehead. The next kiss falls on his cheek, and the third is soft and lingering on his lips. “Seriously, this is fine.”

He speaks close enough that Castiel can feel the words being formed against his lips. Castiel can practically taste them, and he wonders if Dean can taste the relief that he sighs into his mouth, chasing it with another kiss. His arms stay locked around Dean’s waist, palms spread on his too-warm back. There’s a heat emanating from Dean’s body that Castiel is more than willing to let himself become dangerously addicted to.

To Castiel’s surprise – and his great delight – he finds himself being shuffled backwards mid-kiss. The bed is behind him and Dean is guiding him back to it and this can only mean good things. He’s pleased when he’s proven right and they both stretch out on the sheets yet again, avoiding the slightly damp spot at the head of the bed that Castiel left during his orgasm.

They settle on their sides and Dean threads his leg between Castiel’s, a hand stroking along his hip and thigh until he can tug his leg up a little higher. Their kisses continue for longer than he ever thought possible. It’s everything he wanted from today and more. He might not have Dean’s heart, but he still has _this_. Castiel has a fuck buddy that treats him with the same gentle caring he would a lover and there’s nothing more he could possibly ask for.

This is as close to perfect as his life can get and Castiel is certain that he has never been happier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warnings:_
>
>> \- masturbation  
> \- blow job(s)  
> \- anal fingering  
> \- anal sex  
> \- bottom!Cas


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “If you wouldn’t mind.” Castiel leaves the bags on the floor and quickly moves the pie into the fridge. If he starts putting the cold things away first, then Dean won’t have the chance to accidentally stumble across his surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter content warnings are at the end of chapter. Please click the link below to see them.**
> 
> This chapter takes place during and after[Chapter Six](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4183947) of the A Little Patience storyline.

Honestly, only the devil would hold an exam on a Saturday. Castiel’s first exam is in twenty minutes and he needs to leave the library in ten if he doesn’t want to be running across campus to make it in time. Perhaps it would have been better for him to have bunked down in the hallway outside the exam room with the rest of his classmates, but then Castiel would have been sitting on a hard floor for three hours. That’s how long he’s been here, after all. Mostly it was for some last minute studying. The rest was to get away from Dean.

Of course, Castiel doesn’t mean that in a _bad_ way. He means it a way that means that Dean is far too distracting for his own good. It’s been a few days since they had sex and it still makes him tingly all over when he so much as allows his thoughts to deviates slightly in that direction. They’ve held off from touching each other at all since then, because of Castiel’s exam, but the want is still there. Castiel can feel it coiling hot and pulsing in his gut whenever he’s in the same room as Dean.

Considering that they live together and Castiel’s bedroom is the living room, that happens a lot. He’s forced himself to study at the library every day since then. Leaving early in the morning – sometimes not even waiting for Dean to get up, and coming home just in time for dinner. Castiel gets plenty of time with Dean after that and he downright _aches_ with the desire to touch him again. It’s hard to be in the same room as Dean and not remember what it felt like to be held and loved by him.

That’s not even thinking about how hard it is to be in the same room as Sam and not act like he hasn’t sex with Sam’s brother. Castiel never knew it would be this _hard_. How do people do this? How do they act like they didn’t do something so _intimate_ together? It boggles his mind and he’s been avoiding Sam just as much as he’s been trying to focus on his studying. He buried himself in going over his coursework to keep from thinking about that and it has worked wonders.

But now that his exam is ticking closer on a scale of nothing short of minutes, Castiel doesn’t have to worry about studying. He’s done all that he can do and anything more will just stress him out right before taking the exam. Now he’s wasting time by staring at a picture he’s spent the last five minutes fiddling with the filters on. It’s one of the few password protected files that he has on his laptop and he made sure that he was sitting in the best position to make sure that no one could view his screen.

Now the picture is _perfect_ and Castiel has plans for it. If only he could force himself to actually send it like he planned to. It’s the whole reason why he opened it in the first place. This is a picture for Dean. He expressed interest in Castiel’s hobby and now he wants to share it with him. Dean was particularly interested in the pictures that Castiel took of him, and since there’s only one of those, well, that makes Castiel decision of which one to share with him rather easy.

Of course, that does nothing to sway his nerves as the cursor hovers over the send button of his e-mail to Dean. _No one_ has ever seen this picture before. Castiel himself hasn’t even opened the file since he sealed it on the day he took it. But Dean has given him so much in the last several months that he actually _wants_ to do this – and for various reasons at that. It’s not just a ‘ _thank you_ ’ for giving him more than he would ever ask for in regards to _them_.

Aside from his family, Castiel hasn’t opened up to anyone – not even Sam and Jess – about his affinity for photography. This is a big step for him and he wants to share this part of himself with Dean. Their relationship as friends is something Castiel wants to continue building on, even while they continue spiraling deeper into a sexual relationship too. And he _knows_ that Dean would be happy to know that he’s opening up about his hobbies.

There’s just one thing Castiel _doesn’t_ know. What will Dean think about the context of the picture itself? No. He can’t think about that. Castiel made his decision when he opened the file and he’s going to _send it_. He will. He absolutely will. And to live up that want – the _need_ to please Dean with this, he closes his eyes and all but punches the track-pad’s mouse button. His e-mail leaves his outbox with the subject line; _You’ve Earned It_ , and Dean most certainly has in a variety of ways.

“There!” With that done, Castiel closes all his programs and shuts his laptop without bothering to turn it off. It’ll go to sleep and there’s plenty of battery life to last him until he gets home later.

The laptop gets zipped away in a protective case before Castiel shoves it unceremoniously into his mostly empty backpack. Usually he uses his satchel, but today is grocery shopping day and not even his exam could stop him from that. There are two rather large reusable shopping bags folded inside and they pad his laptop for the time being. After he’s done shopping after his exam, whatever he buys will provide that extra padding.

Castiel heads to exam feeling slightly better than he had when he sat down to study a few hours ago. He doesn’t like feeling like he’s been avoiding Dean, even if it’s because of studying. Especially not after what they shared the other day. If he’s lucky, Dean will actually like it and not think that it’s some kind of weird stalker thing. Oh good Lord. What if he _does_ think about that? Castiel’s heart stutters as it’s gripped with fear – and he hasn’t even left the library yet.

They hadn’t even spoken outside of ordering at the counter of _Café du Crowley_ when he took that picture. What if Dean realizes that? It’s hard to tell _when_ it was taken, but what if he figures it out? He never gave his permission for Castiel to take that picture. It’s the one picture – the _only_ picture – that he has ever felt bad for taking. But he treasures it more than most and a part of him feels raw and exposed for having sent it.

In hindsight, he probably shouldn’t have done this right before his exam. Now there are nerves making his hand shake in his pocket while he makes his way across campus. A part of him can’t help feeling worried that Dean is going to find it weird that Castiel has a random picture of him – especially one that he’ll have no recollection of. What if he _does_ hate it? What if he ends up accusing Castiel of stalking him and he chooses to end their friendship and everything that they have right now? That’s the last thing that Castiel wants. _Ever_.

Dean has just looked so _happy_ these last few days. What if that picture ruins that smile? What if it destroys all chances of a few stolen kisses to be had today – or more, if Sam is out of the apartment? Castiel is itching to share a private moment with Dean again and he doesn’t want that taken from him – not before he’s able to do something more to bring Dean pleasure; to make him _happy_. With his studying done for the day, he has the chance to do that now.

Technically speaking, Castiel should probably start studying for his next exam, but even _he_ needs a break every now and then. Taking breaks keeps _him_ from breaking under his father’s tyrannical orders to keep his marks up. If they drop even slightly, Castiel doesn’t even want to think of what kinds of things his father will start demanding then. It could be anywhere from quitting Taekwondo to moving back home to attend the school of _Father’s_ choosing. But he’s safe from that and basically all contact with his father as long as his marks remain consistent and top of his class.

So far, so good.

God, but Castiel wishes there was something to think about that _doesn’t_ cause him some kind of worry right before his exam. If it’s not thinking about his marks and his father, then it’s thinking about Dean’s reaction to the picture, or it’s pulling his backpack around to his front to pat down the outside pocket to ensure that he has his pencil case with all his necessary exam tools. It would be really nice if telling himself that things were going to be fine actually worked. At the moment, it’s not doing much.

When he queues up outside the exam room, Castiel takes a few deep breaths and shakes his head as an attempt to clear it. He’s done all that he can to prepare for his exam and he is extremely confident that he’s going to ace it. There’s nothing for him to worry about regarding his already spectacular marks in this class and he knows Father will be pleased to see that he’s maintaining his straight A’s. As for his supplies, the pencil case is exactly where it should be. And even if it wasn’t, Castiel has a spare in the pocket of his coat.

The only question mark is Dean. He wanted to see what kind of pictures Castiel had of him. He _asked_ for this. Right now, Castiel needs to rely on what he knows of Dean. This is something he wanted, and it’s a look into Castiel’s hobby. He’ll likely be too happy to get what he wants to be upset about the situation regarding how the picture was taken. Besides that, if Dean wasn’t upset at Castiel for not mentioning that he was a virgin prior to them having sex, then he should (hopefully) not care about the time frame of the photo.

Yes, that sounds like the Dean that Castiel knows. He’s not going to mind. Everything is going to be fine, and Castiel crosses his fingers just to be on the safe side. And if he happens to bring a slice of pie home from that bakery down the street from their apartment, well, that’s just shrewd planning. If he returns with pie, then things will _definitely_ be okay.

He hopes.

*

His exam went better than expected. Castiel knew the answer to every question and he was one of the first people to hand it in. He likely would have been the first done if he hadn’t sat there for half an hour reviewing every question three times over because he _had_ to be sure. It’s always a good sign when he walks out of an exam feeling confident and proud of what he handed in. It will be _quite_ the shock, and something that he’ll absolutely bring up with his professor, if he ends up with anything less than an A.

The exam went so well that Castiel didn’t have a single worry during his walk to the grocery store from campus. His thoughts about Dean and the picture still wandered along the edges of his mind while he shopped, especially since there was no answer from Dean during or after the exam, but it wasn’t enough to bring down his mood. After all, Dean did have a shift today and he would have left the apartment not long after Castiel did this morning. He should be done by now, actually. If Castiel’s memory serves right, it was a short shift.

Sure enough, Dean is sitting on the couch with his feet up on the table when Castiel comes through the door. There’s a container with a slice of baked-that-day apple pie sitting on the top of one of Castiel’s shopping bags and it’s honestly a surprise that Dean doesn’t sense its presence the moment it’s inside the apartment. But Castiel won’t bring his attention to it. If Dean doesn’t notice it right now, then it can be used as a surprise later.

It could be that the game Dean is playing on his phone is distracting him, but that just plays into Castiel’s favor. The TV is a quiet rumble in the background as he kicks off his shoes and shuffles into the kitchen with the shopping. This is the kind of thing that Castiel likes. He likes being able to come home to a warm, cozy place that actually _feels_ like a home. And he especially likes that he’s coming home to Dean sitting loose and relaxed on the couch. Looking _happy_ (though perhaps a little bored).

If he could, Castiel would _love_ to come home to something like this every day. Be it from classes, errands, or work. Whether it’s to Dean napping, cooking, working, or doing just about anything. All Castiel wants in life right now is to live with Dean forever and be able to keep him smiling just as long.

“Hey, Cas. Need a hand?” Dean asks over his shoulder as the sound of his game ends.

“If you wouldn’t mind.” Castiel leaves the bags on the floor and quickly moves the pie into the fridge. If he starts putting the cold things away first, then Dean won’t have the chance to accidentally stumble across his surprise.

The sound of the TV cuts out and Castiel glances over the fridge door. It’s off, not muted. Darn. He half-hoped that he could spend some time sitting on the couch with Dean. Who knows, he might even have tried to muster up the courage to hold Dean’s hand. That is, if Sam isn’t home of course. Castiel can’t remember if he was going to be home this afternoon or not. He doesn’t have an exam, but he was going to be studying with Jess.

Instead of standing up and joining him in the kitchen, Dean continues to talk to Castiel over his shoulder – this time without looking at him. “C’mere for a second, would’ja?”

He has the milk and the cheese in the fridge, but there’s still the frozen things to go. Specifically his popsicles. If those melt, there will be hell to pay. They’re the one sweet thing that Castiel will actually spend money on. The rest he has forced on him by Gabriel or they’re items that Sam and Dean put on the shopping list for him to get. But those are with the frozen meat at the bottom of the bag and he needs to pull things off of those to get them. That would mean making Dean wait and that simply just won’t do.

In Castiel’s book, Dean ranks _much_ higher than a box of frozen juice sticks. This probably won’t take long anyway, and he can probably convince Dean to buy him new ones if these melt. He moves the bags to the table where they’ll be easier to empty, and his backpack joins them before he goes back to the living room. There’s a measure of worry growing heavily in his belly again. Hopefully this won’t be about the picture, but Dean hasn’t mentioned it yet so it could really be about anything.

“Am I in trouble for the picture?”

“Nope.”

Once Castiel is standing behind the couch, he has a full view of what Dean is doing. In this case, it’s changing his camera to the selfie-screen. He looks at Castiel’s reflection on the screen and a smile quirks his lips. “Lean down for a sec, okay?”

He’s going to take a picture. That knowledge makes Castiel’s heart flutter like a hummingbird trapped in the cage of his ribs. It’s a miracle that he doesn’t pass out as he follows Dean’s gestures to get him into place. Castiel has been naked with Dean. He’s given him blow jobs and had sex with him and yet the simple act of putting his arms around Dean’s shoulders has him dizzier than all of that combined. He ends up with his head right next to Dean’s and he’s honestly surprised that the phone’s camera isn’t reflecting a blushing face.

It feels like he’s burning up inside his skin at this simple, barely even intimate gesture. He can’t stop the smile that comes to his lips. Even though it’s small, Dean seems to like it. One of his own lights up like a ray of sunshine on a warm summer’s day. The thought is sappy, but Castiel can’t help it. Seeing Dean smile makes him want to wax poetic in a way that would give Shakespeare a run for his money, if he truly put his mind to it. Though, truthfully, his creative writing classes were never his favourites. Castiel can read for eternity, but God help him if he had to write a book.

He has to force himself to keep his eyes on the pinhole where the camera is when Dean takes the actual picture. If he didn’t do that, then Dean would have photographic evidence of the obviously love-stricken when Castiel looks at him. As it is, he doesn’t care about the quality of the picture. He wants a copy of it for his own phone. This is something that he would set as the background, regardless of the teasing that it would incur from Gabriel.

“What do you think, Mr. Photographer-man?” Dean glances up at him with a grin as he pulls the picture up for them to review.

Castiel decides against asking for a copy as he looks it over. They’re not dating. It would just be odd for him to have Dean as the background on his phone. But at least the picture turned out well. “It looks good, but why did you do that?”

“I don’t have any pictures of you.” Dean shrugs and tucks his phone away. Clearly he’s forgotten all about the ones that he had Lisa take at the high school graduation ceremony. But what he says next makes that all moot. It makes the rest of history moot, and it makes Castiel feel weak in the knees. “And I wanted one.”

If Dean wasn’t on his feet and watching him right now, Castiel would pinch himself to make sure that this wasn’t a dream. Perhaps he was struck by a bus on his walk home from the bakery? That would make more sense than this. Dean actually _wants_ a picture of _him_? And not just him. That was a picture of _them_. Together. In a pose that Castiel has only ever seen partners and the very best of friends (unless otherwise drunk) do together. And neither of them are drunk right now.

He fights back a blush with a curious frown. “If you asked, I could have sent you one.” Of course, he’s not complaining. That brief moment is a memory he will always treasure.

“Oh?” Dean raises his eyebrows at him and flashes another smile. “You have some good ones?” He slings an arm around Castiel’s shoulder as he comes around the couch, turning him in the same gesture to head back into the kitchen.

“They were taken by Gabriel, so I can’t speak for the quality.” It’s a joke, obviously, and Castiel can’t keep his smile down.

It only grows as Dean laughs and pulls away to start going through the bags on the table. Already Castiel is going through his mental catalogue of what pictures he has that he could use. There aren’t many of just him that he has and he’s fairly certain that he wouldn’t want to give any of those ones to Dean. A picture of him on his own is just – it leaves Castiel feeling sad. He doesn’t like looking at himself being alone anymore. He wants to be surrounded by the people he cares about in pictures. _Those_ are the moments of his life that he wants to capture in a photograph.

“Nah, I want something taken by you.” Dean shrugs as he pulls open the freezer to put away the frozen things. There’s nothing left that needs to go into the fridge, meaning that he won’t see the surprise waiting for him.

But that certainly narrows the list of pictures. In fact, it narrows it down to nothing. Castiel doesn’t have any pictures of himself that he’s taken. He’s never been a fan of selfies, let alone taking pictures of people in general. Dean is the only person that he’s ever actually _wanted_ to photograph. Aside from Mother and Gabriel. But those were for keepsakes, and family doesn’t really count in this matter anyways. Besides, Dean wants a picture of _him_.

Castiel almost can’t believe it. He shakes his head with a sad sigh. “The timer function on my phone isn’t very good for that.” It’s complete shit, to be honest. “It would be a selfie at best and as interesting as those are, I don’t think that’s what you were referring to.” Yes, that’s exactly what Dean wants. A picture of Castiel with it looking like he’s about to hug the phone. Beautiful.

Dean snorts a laugh and shakes his head. “Then you need to get a proper camera.” He shrugs and goes elbow deep into the freezer to reorganize it for space for Castiel’s treasured box of popsicles. “With a tripod and a timer thing and all the extra bits and bobs and shit.”

Oh God, _if only_. Castiel would love to have a proper camera. He misses his digital one (thank you very much, Gabriel) and his Polaroid is still sitting broken in its bag at the back of one of the drawers under his bed. And his phone just isn’t cutting it during what few times throughout the day when he _does_ want to take pictures. There hasn’t been much of that lately, to be honest. It’s unfortunate.

“Photography is an expensive hobby.” He sighs and starts pulling the cans and boxes out of the bags to put away. “And I would have to pay for it myself. My parents would see a hobby like that as something _frivolous_.” As his father has reminded him every time photograph has come up in conversation in some way or another. Mother supports it, but he could never ask her for an advance on his monthly allowance for that. She would have to deal with Father about that and Castiel won’t dare subject her to that.

“I think it would be worth it. I really liked it” Dean shuts the freezer and reaches for the fridge handle.

Castiel’s stomach twists as his surprise is about to be revealed. “You didn’t think that I was being a _stalker_?” He looks to Dean, hoping to draw his attention away from the fridge before he sees it. “I took that picture well before we were ever friends.”

“Nah, don’t worry.” Dean shrugs and flashes a bright grin at him, blasting away every free that had been building up in Castiel since he sent the e-mail earlier. “It was candid and you grabbed a good moment. If I was uncomfortable with it, I wouldn’t have put it on the fridge of honour. See?”

He lets go of the fridge handle to knock on the freezer door. Specifically, he knocks right next to the picture that Castiel had sent him. It’s in a cheap plastic frame, but it’s glossy and freshly printed and Castiel is completely baffled by it. He sent that to Dean only a handful of hours ago. How could he – when did he – _why_ would he –?

“Dean!” Castiel hisses and he can feel his ears burn in embarrassment. He didn’t know that Dean was going to actually _share it_ like this. “You can’t hang this here!” What if Sam sees it? What would _he_ say? He needs to do something about this and Castiel makes a desperate grab to pull it down.

“Too late!” Dean’s laugh fills the kitchen and he grabs Castiel’s wrist. In one quick tug, he pulls him around and away from the fridge. “I already did it and once it’s been done, it can’t be undone!”

The heat in Castiel’s ears spreads down the back of his neck and into his face. It only gets worse as Dean wraps an arm around his waist and pulls him close. Their bodies slot together and his heart starts performing a samba behind his ribs. It’s only been a few days and yet his body is already reacting to having Dean pressed against him. And that reaction only gets worse when Dean’s lips brush his cheek and his voice is warm in Castiel’s ear.

“I like it.”

With a sharp shove, he puts some breathing room between them. There’s so much going through Castiel’s head right now that he doesn’t know what to think first. And it’s made all the more difficult by Dean’s proximity and the very real fact that they’re home alone. They’re _alone_. Sam won’t be home for who knows how long and that leaves them to do whatever they want. Of course, Castiel’s first thoughts swing right into all the things they could do in that time that they can’t do when Sam is here. The dirty, lustful, _primal_ things.

Castiel isn’t used to that being his first thought and it surprises him – _scares_ him even. And he doesn’t know what to do with this desire. His memories of their intimate moments together have been made hazy by the endorphins brought about during those times and he’s having trouble remembering if Dean is the only one who has ever instigated anything between them. Has _he_ ever made the first move? God help him, but he can’t remember and he’s drawing just as much of a blank on what would be appropriate for him to do now.

Does Dean even want to do anything right now? As far as Castiel can tell, Dean hasn’t given him any of the signs that he would be interested in something right now. Even that kiss was fairly innocent; something done in jest. He didn’t grab Castiel’s ass, or kiss him full on the lips, or push him up against the counter like he’s done in the past.

He needs a shower. Immediately. It’s a danger for the both of them if his brain feels this cluttered and he can’t make an easy decision. Castiel needs some time to think and he can’t do that with Dean this close to him. He turns away sharply and all but flees from the kitchen, hoping that Dean doesn’t take any negative connotations from his actions right now. And if Dean happens to stumble across the pie while Castiel is in the shower, then so be it. The pie means nothing to him now.

The moment the bathroom door is locked behind him, Castiel sheds his clothing and throws himself behind the shower curtain. He doesn’t even care about the brief blast of cold as he turns the water on and immediately pulls the plug to start the shower. It quickly warms up and Castiel crouches in the bottom of the tub, hugging his knees and hiding his face against them. This is _ridiculous_. How could Dean possibly affect him this much with just a kiss on the cheek and a _hug_?

Maybe – maybe this is because they haven’t done anything since they had sex? Did something change in him that morning and now the slightest touch from Dean is going to set his body off? Is this a normal thing to happen to people or is he some kind of ridiculous outlier? Castiel doesn’t know and he’s not sure if he wants to ask Dean about it. He certainly isn’t going to bring it up with Gabriel. Nobody knows that his relationship with Dean is sexual. The only thing that Gabriel knows is that Castiel has some form of a crush on Dean. That’s it and he absolutely does not need any further information on that.

A good shower and steady water pressure has always done wonders for clearing Castiel’s head. But the heat of this particular shower is doing nothing to stop his body. He’s still getting hard even while folded in on himself at the bottom of the tub and there’s a _yearning_ in his belly. Dean is just in the other room and if he asked he could probably have Dean’s hands on him right now. But the words are stuck in his throat and all Castiel has is his own touch to satisfy himself.

With a heavy sigh and no idea of how much time has passed, he forces himself to stand up and get his sneaky bottle of moisturizer. If he’s going to touch himself, then he’s going to do what he likes and that means fingering himself. It’s a poor substitute for Dean’s fingers, and it doesn’t even hold a candle to sex with Dean, but it’s good enough to get off. Maybe, if he comes in the shower on his own, he won’t be such a short fuse if anything happens with Dean later.

Castiel has his back against the wall and his foot braced against the edge of the tub when a knock comes at the door. One hand is moving in quick, tight strokes on his erection and he has two fingers buried deep with a third ready to join it. His hands and his breathing stutters in surprise as Dean’s actual voice interrupts the one in his imagination.

“Dude, if you’re jerking off or something, I could help y’know!”

By the second word, Castiel is already out of the tub and the water is off. He’s moving on autopilot in a moment that almost feels out of body, not even aware of the fact that he hit the tap to stop the water. There’s little care spared for the water he gets all over the bathroom as he wraps a towel around his waist. He shakes his head to get the water out of his eyes, shoving a hand through it quickly while reaching for the door. One sharp twist of the doorknob has the lock popping out and he pulls it open sharply. There is no substitute for the real Dean and the offer has been made. Castiel knows where they stand in this particular moment and nothing could have him denying Dean now.

When he pulls Dean into the bathroom, he notes that all too pleased look on his face. Dean must be well aware of what he was doing. Regardless, Castiel doesn’t care. The moment the door is closed, he pushes Dean up against it and gets right up in his personal space like it simply doesn’t exist. He’s breathing Dean’s air and it’s like ambrosia on his tongue. It’s making him heady and he leans in more, nose to nose and his lips brushing Dean’s with every other breath.

“You gonna kiss me or not?”

Dean’s hushed whisper is the permission Castiel didn’t even realize he was waiting for and he all but falls into the kiss. There was barely an inch of space between them, but it’s enough. Dean’s tongue slides across his and Castiel groans around it, tasting him properly for the first time in what feels like much too long. Just as it’s been too long since he’s been allowed to touch Dean too. His hands roam without boundaries, pushing up under Dean’s shirts to sweep across his stomach, his sides, his back and his chest. Feeling each plane of his body out before clumsily trying to remove his belt.

Castiel realizes, belatedly, that to get Dean naked means that he’s going to need to stop kissing him. It’s that or he tries ripping Dean’s t-shirt down the middle so it can be shoved off his shoulders like his outer shirt. At this point, Castiel feels like Dean probably wouldn’t appreciate that. He doesn’t have too many work t-shirts to start with and property damage is not likely the best way to start a sexual interaction. Because Castiel has no illusions to which direction this kiss is going to be taking.

Once he has Dean’s belt and pants open, Castiel forces himself to step away. He pulls Dean’s shirts over his head and watches him drop his pants and step out of them. A part of him briefly wonders if his gaze is as hungry for Dean as his body feels, but he doesn’t get long to dwell on that thought. In one smooth movement, Dean steps out of his clothing and right into his space again, backing him up against the counter. The towel creates some absolutely _wonderful_ friction when Dean pushes his thigh between Castiel’s legs, forcing them to spread.

Again, his body moves on its own. They haven’t come together like this often, and yet it feels like his body has already been trained in what to do. His hips know to start rocking against Dean’s thigh the moment that Castiel gets forced up onto his toes by Dean’s leg between his own. It feels good enough to draw a gasp out of him, and that gets chased after by a pleased groan. Dean’s teeth catch at his bottom lip before he kisses him again, lightning spreading down his spine.

But all of this is just a precursor to the main show. It feels like they kiss forever, but it’s much too soon when Dean breaks away from that. He drops to his knees slowly, leaving a trail of kisses down Castiel’s body. The towel is pulled away and tossed aside, and there is no time to feel shy about being naked under Dean’s hands and eyes again. His hands find Dean’s hair, twisting in the short strands to get a good grip. Castiel knows what’s coming next and he holds his breath, bracing himself.

When Dean’s lips close around the head of his erection, that preparedness is the only thing that keeps Castiel from shouting out. The sweet wet warmth of Dean’s mouth is a kind of heaven that he knows is unique to Earth. It’s unique to here, to _Dean_ , and he doubts that anyone else in the world could make him feel this good. God, but even the _sounds_ of him – slick and filled with soft hums.

Dean is quick with his mouth, head bobbing with a practiced ease. Castiel is too blind with the sensations to notice how sloppy he’s being. He’s focused too much on trying to watch and failing to notice that Dean’s making his own fingers wet. The realization doesn’t strike him until Dean’s fingers are nudging back between his legs, slick as they slide over his sac and across his perineum. With what Castiel had been doing in the shower, two slide into him easily.

It makes his knees go weak and a shaky moan rattles out his throat. Castiel’s eyes are squeezed shut and he’s fighting the urge to rock down on Dean’s fingers. His body wants to move, preferably against Dean. But even with his eyes closed, Castiel can feel Dean’s curious stare. When he opens his eyes, it’s to find Dean looking up at him with the majority of his erection in his mouth. One eyebrow is raised in question as he works his fingers in and out, a third pushing in to join the first two.

That delicious burn as he’s stretched open draws a whimper out of him and his hips twitch with the desire to move. “I – since the first time you fingered me – I’ve been –” His explanation is broken by a sharp gasp and another desperate twitch of his hips as Dean purposefully glances over his prostate, sending stars dancing behind Castiel’s eyes. “Every time I shower – I – _Dean_.”

He’s making it impossible to form coherent sentences and Castiel would give it up for loss if his orgasm wasn’t rapidly approaching. As much as he (and his body) would absolutely _love_ to come, there’s an idea budding in his brain that he can’t ignore. The position Dean’s in is what planted the idea in the first place and Castiel decides, then and there, that he wants to do that. There’s no way that he’s going to last long enough for Dean to have sex with him now, but Castiel could do something here that he’s been thinking about since the first blow job he ever gave.

“Dean – Dean –” He pushes at Dean’s head, trying to force him back far enough that his lips come off his erection. “I want – Dean, _stop_.” It’s the last thing Castiel wants to say right now, but it is absolutely necessary. As nice as coming in Dean’s mouth is, he wants something _different_ today.

There’s a frown on his lips when Dena sits back on his heels. “What is it?”

“I want to –” Now that he has the chance to ask, the words get stuck on Castiel’s tongue. His nerves spike and he can’t believe that he’s _embarrassed_ to ask this, even after all they’ve done together.

No. Castiel refuses to let his brain stop him from asking for what he wants. He gathers the ragged vestiges of his mind together long enough to get his question out. “Can I come on your face?” After a pause, he remembers his manners. “Please?”

This is a recent desire, conceived just a few moments ago. Castiel hadn’t even considered it before, but now he wants it. He remembers the salty wet heat on his own face when Dean accidentally came on him after his first blowjob and he’s thought about it often. They haven’t done that again since and he wouldn’t exactly be impartial to it. In fact, he’d rather like to do it now. At least then he could see what the big deal about it is, since nearly every porno they watched had at least one man ejaculating on their partner’s (or partners’) face(s). Honestly, Castiel can barely handle one sexual partner. He can’t imagine what it would be like dealing with two or three at the same time.

His answer is a wicked grin and a warm tongue. Dean’s hand makes quick work of Castiel’s erection, stroking fast to match the broad swipes of his tongue across the head of his penis. Despite leaning back for their brief quasi-conversation, Dean never actually took his fingers out. The three are still buried deep and he continues to work them in a way that turns Castiel’s blood to star fire. A groan is born and dies in his throat and he can’t take his eyes off Dean, watching him closely as he works.

When the heat in his body pulls tight and releases in a rolling wave of _amazing_ , Castiel bites back another drawn out moan. He holds Dean’s head still, even though his hands are shaking, and does his best to watch as he comes. Dean closes his eyes, but he continues to stroke Castiel through his orgasm, not even flinching as the lower half of his face gets painted with ejaculate. When he’s done, he touches Dean’s wrist gently, letting him know without words that he can stop now.

Just as he thought, Castiel didn’t exactly get any pleasure from coming on Dean’s face. His orgasm still has him weak on his feet and shaking with aftershocks. At least _that_ was good. But now he just feels sort of bad for making a mess on Dean. Coming on his face was no different from coming on his belly while they’re grinding together. He just doesn’t understand the point of specifically releasing on the face, and now he needs to clean Dean up.

And then another idea hits him. He’s tasted Dean’s ejaculate before. Does his own taste any different? It surprises him how quickly the curiosity chases away the afterglow of his orgasm. Even more so by how badly he wants to try it. Hopefully Dean won’t find it weird that Castiel is seriously considering licking his own come off of his face. Well, he only has to try a little. If he doesn’t like the taste or finds the action too weird, then there’s a wash cloth sitting on the edge of the sink behind him that he can use.

Fine, alright. That’s decided then. Castiel grips Dean under his arms and pulls him to his feet before he can change his mind. He cards his fingers through Dean’s hair gently before leaning in. Carefully, he laps at the streak across Dean’s cheek. Immediately, relief floods through him. It tastes no different than when he’s tasted Dean’s come. Thank God. A large part of him had been worried that every time Dean gave him a blow job, he was tasting something horrible. This isn’t bad and judging by the soft pleased sound Dean makes, he doesn’t find what Castiel is doing either.

Dean’s hands finds Castiel’s hips and his thumbs stroke slow circles over the bones while his face gets dutifully cleaned. Castiel quite purposefully saves Dean’s lips for last. He licks them clean with the hopes that he’s being teasing about it. If he is, maybe he can draw Dean into being the one to kiss him. As much as Castiel likes kissing him, he absolutely loves it when Dean initiates the kisses. It means that _Dean_ wants them. He _wants_ to kiss _Castiel_. There is nothing about that he doesn’t love.

His heart does a delighted flip when Dean’s grip on his hips tightens, pulling him in closer as he leans into him. Dean’s kiss has a desperate edge to it, his tongue sliding against Castiel’s like he’s trying to chase the taste on it. That sends a thrill along his bones and he sorely wishes that his refractory period was instantaneous. Regardless, Dean groans softly around the kisses and rocks against Castiel’s thigh.

Well, no wonder he’s desperate. Dean hasn’t had any attention since they started this. He wasn’t even touching himself while he was sucking Castiel off. Both of Dean’s hands were completely occupied in giving Castiel as much pleasure as he is capable of receiving. And now it’s time for the favour to be paid in full – though he hardly considers this a favour. After all, it’s practically a treat to be allowed to touch Dean and be a part of this experience. This is one of the few ways where he can feel like Dean is _his_ and Castiel will take all that he’s allowed.

Getting them to turn around so Dean is the one pressed against the counter takes some manoeuvring, especially given the fact that Castiel absolutely refuses to stop kissing him. Besides, he needs to buy time to develop a plan for what he’s going to do. Since this seems to be a day of firsts, perhaps he should try something else? But the best he can offer Dean right now is his thighs from some more intercrural sex, or his mouth. He would offer him his ass, but without being aroused himself, Castiel is fairly certain that wouldn’t be nearly as pleasurable as it was before.

The obvious choice is to give Dean a blow job. Not only does Castiel enjoy giving those, but he still has plenty of room to improve with those. He won’t be satisfied until Dean tells him that they’re the best he’s ever had. But Dean didn’t just give him any old blow job, did he? He fingered Castiel throughout it. What if he did that too? Would Dean be accepting of it? There’s really only a few ways to find out and Castiel feels like being surprising. If Dean refuses him, then so be it.

When Dean’s phone pings with the familiar tone of a text message, Castiel finally pulls away from the kiss. He half expects Dean to get it, but he’s pleased when it goes ignored. That means he has Dean’s full attention and Castiel loves these kinds of moments. It’s hard to admit it, but he’s a very selfish man. If he allowed himself to be as demanding and as greedy as he sometimes wants to be, then he would be monopolizing all of Dean’s time. Luckily, Castiel knows better than that.

Even with the decision to try fingering Dean today, Castiel’s mind continues to work beyond that. It’s running over every porno they ever watched together, picking and choosing the things he would like to try in the hopes that they both like it. While it does that, Castiel ducks his head in an almost shy way and gives Dean a hopeful, curious little look. “May I try something, Dean?”

“Do whatever you want, Cas.” A wide grin spreads across Dean’s lips as he leans back and stretches his body out. “I’m all yours.”

Those three words do horrible things to Castiel’s heart. It feels like it stops and starts a half dozen times in an instant. His reflection in the mirror is obscured by Dean, but Castiel hopes nothing showed on it in that moment. He wishes beyond all manner of wishing that those words were true. What he wouldn’t give to truly be able to call Dean his. But all that he has is this, and hopefully that will be enough to satisfy the craving in Castiel’s heart to be with him.

Alright. Enough wishing. There’s a very prominent erection pressed against his hip that’s demanding his attention and Dean has been more than patient for his turn. Castiel has work to do – though it can hardly be called _work_ , since he enjoys it so much. He licks his lips and nods to punctuate his thoughts. Thankfully, his hand doesn’t shake as he brings it to Dean’s face. Hopefully Dean will understand what he wants to do with this one gesture.

He traces the edge of Dean’s jaw, fingertips rasping over the stubble there. Dean must not have shaved this morning, because this is well past a five o’clock shadow. It’s nice, but Castiel doesn’t spend long touching it. His goal is Dean’s lips and he touches them gently. Please let Dean understand this. Please let him accept it and let Castiel try touching him the same way he’s been touched. This could lead up to a time when he’ll be the one to ‘top’ Dean, as the saying goes.

Hopefully that time comes _before_ Dean grows tired of this sexual relationship of theirs.

A smile comes to him unbidden when Dean opens to his fingers without question. Those too-green eyes fall closed as Dean closes his lips around Castiel’s fingers. It’s an odd sensation to feel his tongue twisting around them, but the way he sucks on them is all too similar to how he was sucking on another part of Castiel’s anatomy just a few minutes ago.

It’s sorely tempting to just stand here and watch Dean suck on his fingers, but there are other things that Castiel could be doing. Better things, surprisingly. Things that would involve giving Dean more pleasure. He doubts that doing this right now is very pleasurable for Dean at all. It takes a great amount of effort to tear his eyes from Dean’s lips wrapped around his fingers and to lean in again. Thankfully, it’s not too hard to work around his arm being in the way, he still manages to kiss his way down Dean’s chest without much effort.

His other hand is still free and waiting and Castiel puts it to good use. The moment he brushes his knuckles along the length of Dean’s erection, he’s rewarded with a groan that he can feel on his fingertips. Another rumbles in the back of Dean’s throat when Castiel palms his sac, massaging his balls in a way he’s never done before. He likes doing that to himself when he’s masturbating, so he hopes that Dean likes it too. Judging from the muffled noises he keeps making, he likely does.

Dean’s phone beeps again with a text message, but Castiel ignores it. If Dean doesn’t care about it, then he certainly doesn’t either. Besides, there’s a nipple under his tongue right now and the attention he’s giving it has Dean groaning around his fingers again. The sounds Dean makes and the feel of his tongue around his fingers is stirring heat in Castiel’s veins again, but he knows it’s much too early to be aroused again. At least he’ll still enjoy this, regardless of whether he’s aroused or not.

To his delight, Dean hunches over to continue running his tongue over Castiel’s fingers even as Castiel lowers himself to his knees. This time, it’s Castiel’s phone that beeps and he elects to ignore it too. It’s well outside of his reach in the pocket of his coat, which is bunched somewhere behind him that he doesn’t want to bother looking for. There are much more important things to do, like finally getting his mouth on Dean’s mostly neglected erection.

Suckling at the head of Dean’s erection earns him the loudest groan yet. In that instance, Dean actually opens his mouth for it and Castiel’s fingers slip from his tongue. Well, if Dean thinks they’re wet enough for this, then Castiel supposes he’ll have to agree. They certainly _feel_ wet enough. And his hopes that Dean knows exactly what Castiel was doing this for are confirmed when Dean lifts his leg and rests his foot on the door handle. That opens up all manner of room for Castiel to work with – room that he probably should have given Dean when their positions were reversed.

His hands are shaking again as Castiel traces his fingers back between Dean’s legs. He knows when he’s found what he’s looking for, because Dean’s hips jerk and he pushes just a little further into Castiel’s mouth. It’s not more than he can take, but now he understands why Dean has liked guiding him to move his hips like this when he’s giving Castiel a blow job. It’s rather enjoyable to have Dean be the one to move rather than having to bob his head repeatedly. He’ll have to take note of that for later. Right now, he’s going to show Dean exactly what expertise he’s developed regarding fingering.

Castiel starts with rubbing in gentle circles, to help Dean relax. He has no idea how long it’s been since Dean was last penetrated and he wants to make this good for him. That means taking it slow and experimenting carefully. What works for Castiel might not work for Dean. He knows that _he_ likes feeling full. Does Dean like the same or does he prefer having more attention paid to his prostate? Those are the things that Castiel aims to find out.

When his phone beeps again, Castiel starts getting annoyed. They’re being distracting and he’d rather not have anything take away from this moment. Hopefully they’re not bothering Dean either. To be sure, he better distract him from them. Or else Dean might think it would be a good idea for them to stop and check out who it is that keeps insisting on intruding upon their moment.

Dean’s hips start twitching again when Castiel carefully starts working one finger into him. He wants to see the way this is affecting him and he looks up at Dean through his lashes, knowing that Dean likes it when he does that while he’s giving him a blow job. Castiel is pleased to find that he’s right. Dean gasps low and loud, colouring rising in his cheeks while he stares down at him. He brings a hand to Castiel’s face, thumb brushing along his cheekbone in a nearly tender gesture.

It’s when Dean does things like this that gives Castiel a glimmer of hope. It’s a hope that he tries to ignore. Dean has flat out told him that he’s not looking for a relationship. There’s nothing _to_ hope for between them. But this – moments like these make it easy for Castiel to imagine that they do have one. That this right now is only a part of everything that they have together. And that makes it so much easier for him to do this with Dean.

Before Castiel can even thinks about using a second finger, one of their phones has the nerve to actually start _ringing_. He groans unhappily and frowns around Dean’s erection. Castiel will be damned before he stops this blowjob, but he wants the distractions to _stop_. Dean’s hand moves to his hair, gripping tightly as if he’s going to make him stop. No, Castiel refuses. But Dean’s pants are right next to him and he regretfully pulls his fingers free to get it for him. The other hand would require reaching across his body and that’s some contorting that he doesn’t feel like attempting right now.

Dean sighs, a soft almost disappointed sound, and takes his jeans. There’s some rustling sounds above Castiel’s head as he continues to work mouth and tongue along Dean's erection. One of the jean’s legs brushes against his ear and then the whole thing drops to the floor. A moment later and Dean’s hand is on his shoulder and shoving him back.

“Fucking _shit_. Fuck – Cas, Sam’s _here_!” Dean looks panicked as Castiel sits back on his heels. The blood has drained from his face and he’s staring at his phone. “You have to go get the chain off the door. He’s locked out. Shit, shit, _shit_.”

Damn. Castiel sighs as he reaches for his towel again to wipe his hands clean on them. Now _his_ phone is ringing, but he ignores it. For the first time in his friendship with Sam, Castiel is actually annoyed with him. He doesn’t like being interrupted on the best of days regardless of the situation and this is _the_ worst time for Sam to decide to come home. All of Castiel’s plans have officially gone out the window and he feels robbed of what would have undoubtedly been a lot of fun.

He pouts at Dean as he stands, fixing the towel around his waist again. “I was hoping to try rimming you today.” Among other things. If they had been able to continue for long enough, he might have been able to get aroused again and try ‘topping’ him.

Dean is in the process of picking up Castiel’s shirt. He freezes and turns wide eyes turn to him, his voice going a few octaves higher when he speaks. “What?” Clearly he’s been caught by surprise and Castiel is more pleased with that than he should be. The colour floods back into Dean’s cheeks in a dark blush and he shakes his head. “Never mind. Later. We can – yeah, that can be later.”

Castiel is nearly knocked back a step when Dean shoves his shirt against his chest. “Go let Sam in. Tell him some shit lie about how I was sleeping, you were showering, and I’m in here now because I’m running late for going out with some friends tonight or something. Okay?” He’s having trouble looking Castiel in the eye while he’s talking.

Something a lot like annoyance flares up in Castiel’s chest again. It’s dark and unhappy and this time it’s directed at Dean. He wants Castiel to lie to Sam and he _hates_ lying to his friends. Castiel has never had to really omit anything about what he does with Dean because it’s never come up around Sam before, but now he needs to flat out _lie_? Castiel doesn’t like that. Especially about this in particular. But fine, whatever. He’ll do it. If that’s what makes Dean feel better, then he’ll do it.

With a sigh, he pulls on his shirt again. He doesn’t bother  doing it up. It’s enough to cover his tattoos as it is. He takes the rest of his clothing with him  when he leaves Dean alone in the bathroom. The shower starts up not long after the door closes behind him. Castiel tries to wipe the frown from his face as he dumps his clothes on the bed and goes to the door to let Sam in.

“Okay, you have a viable excuse.” The annoyed expression on Sam’s face melts away when he looks Castiel over. “But what’s Dean got for not coming to let me in, huh?”

“He was sleeping.” Castiel turns away and returns to his bed. He needs to dick out his sweatpants and something to wear now. “He woke up in a panic because he’s running late to meet with some of his friends. They’re apparently going out tonight.” It’s easier to lie when he’s not looking Sam in the eye. “Kicked me out of the bathroom before I was really finished.”

Before Sam can say anything, Dean leans out of the bathroom and calls down the hallway. “Cas! Hey, could you get me my towel? I forgot it and I don’t want to get dressed again.” And of course he can’t run naked down the hall because he’s still got a very impressive erection going on that Castiel won’t be allowed to take care of now – which only frustrates him more.

“Oh, hey Sam. When did you get home?”

Castiel looks up to find that Sam turning down the hall. “You’re an idiot, Dean. You should’ve at least let Cas get dressed before you kicked him out of the bathroom.” He waves at Castiel to stay where he is. “Don’t worry, I’ll get it.” He must mean the towel. “Cas, I’m going into my room after, so just give a shout when you’re done getting dressed.”

At least Sam respects his boundaries. Castiel watches him duck into Dean’s bedroom to get the towel and that gives him a good look at Dean at the end of the hallway. He’s still a little flushed and Castiel _really_ wishes he could join him in the shower, if only to help him deal with what Castiel knows is being hidden behind that door. Is Dean upset that he’ll have to deal with it on his own now? Does he blame Castiel for taking so long that he didn’t get to come before they were interrupted?

An apology feels in order and Castiel mouths an _‘I’m sorry_ ’ at him. Dean has to wait until Sam has given him his towel and ducked into his room before he can respond with a ‘ _later_ ’. And then he ducks back into the bathroom and Castiel is left alone to change. How much _later_ is later? Castiel feels robbed of his chance to bring Dean pleasure. Being the one to bring him to that brink and kiss him back from it is one of the main pleasures Castiel takes from their sexual encounters.

To say that he sulks while he gets dressed is an understatement. Castiel sequesters himself on the couch with a text book after that. What else is there for him to do now that Dean is going to have to go out to maintain his lie? Any good feelings Castiel had after his orgasm are long gone. He wanted to spend the evening watching movies and relaxing with Dean. That’s been stolen from him too and he fully plans to sulk the rest of the evening. Hopefully he won’t be too short with Sam if he speaks to him at all.

Dean eventually comes out of the bathroom, but it’s only to go straight into his bedroom. And when he comes out of there, he’s fully dressed and ready to go. He stops behind the couch to pull on his shoes, standing directly behind Castiel while he does that. “I’m going to be meeting up with Ash and Jo, and some new guy Ash knows. His name is Charlie.”

“I hope you have a good time.” Castiel doesn’t sound sincere in the slightest and he hates it. He sounds like a child. A sulking and horrifically _pathetic_ child.

“I’ll be back later.” Dean shoves a hand into Castiel’s hair and ruffles it slightly. He sounds amused and Castiel only frowns more. It feels like he’s making fun of him. “You gonna wait up for me?”

He twists to glance over his shoulder for a moment. “That depends entirely on how long you’re planning on staying out.” Castiel turns away again and hunches his shoulders. “And whether or not you’re going to be coming home at all.” Because it’s entirely possible that Dean will find someone else to go home with to do for him what Castiel wasn’t able to. He doesn’t have to _hide_ what he does with them like the does everything with _him_.

“Yeah, I’ll be home tonight.” Dean leans over the back of the couch and when Castiel glances at him again, he’s surprised by a quick kiss. A teasing grin is painted across Dean’s lips when he pulls away, and his voice is dropped into a hushed whisper. “I’m pissed about Sam interrupting too. How about we try that rimming thing tomorrow, huh? If you’ve got the time for it in between your studying, of course.”

A blush burns in Castiel’s cheeks and Dean straightens with a laugh. “I’ll see ya later, Cas.” He turns towards the rest of the apartment and raises his voice. “Sam, I’m leaving! If you make supper, at least leave me a little, okay?”

“As if!” Sam calls back, but it just makes Dean laugh more.

“Alright, I’m outski.” The locks turn and the door opens.

Castiel glances over his shoulder again to watch him leave. “Goodbye.”

Then Dean is gone and Castiel isn’t sure _how_ he feels. Dean kisses him goodbye. Has he ever done that before? He can’t recall because his brain feels oddly wiped. It’s like Dean took all his memories with him when he kissed him. Castiel turns back to his book with the distinct feeling that he’s not going to get much – if any studying done until tomorrow morning.

After several long minutes of staring at his textbook, Castiel moves to the bed. He’s come to terms with the fact that he isn’t going to be getting any studying done right now. But there is a different kind of studying of his own that he can do. Regardless of Dean’s words, there’s still a worry curling in on itself in Castiel’s stomach that he might not see Dean again until the morning. There is every chance of that, no matter how much he wants to believe what Dean told him.

Today is the first time they managed to do anything since they had sex, and Dean didn’t go out during that time. Why would tonight be any different, considering that they just tried to do something? Of course, Dean ended up having to finish himself off. If there’s any reason to go out, then that’s it. He doesn’t have to be sneaky with them. It’s less trouble for him to do something with _them_ than it is with Castiel. There’s no need to _lie_.

He is far too worried to do any actual studying now. Castiel shouldn’t _be_ worried, considering the position s of their relationship, but he can’t help it. He loves Dean and it’s only natural that he hurts because he can’t have him. But thinking about that isn’t going to do anything for him. All he can do right now is – is do his own form of studying in the hopes that he’ll find something that might convince Dean that he doesn’t _need_ to go home with anyone else. If he can keep him sexually satisfied, then Dean might choose _him_ over _them_.

Of course, Castiel doesn’t want to completely monopolize Dean. He doesn’t want to keep him here and away from his friends. In fact, he _likes_ that Dean spends so much time with all his friends. All Castiel wants is for Dean to stop sleeping around. It’s not healthy, for one. And – and if he could be Dean’s one and only, not _just_ sexually either, then Castiel would ask for nothing else ever in his life.

Castiel settles in the corner of his bed with the blanket pulled over his legs to keep them warm. He boots his laptop up and plugs his headphones in. If his studying results in him having to view any kind of videos, then he doesn’t want to risk Sam catching sight of his screen or hearing anything undue. And just so no one will find out what he’s doing, Castiel makes sure that all of his searches are done in an incognito browser. He wouldn’t put it pat Gabriel to get a hold of his laptop and check his history just to find something he could tease him with.

His first search is on the topic of ‘ _ways to keep a partner interested_ ’. What he gets back are lists interesting ways to liven up the dating life again. But he and Dean aren’t dating, so he ignores those. What he’s looking for are explicitly sexual lists. Because that’s all that Dean wants from him, no matter how much that knowledge stings. Castiel stamps down on that feeling and roots around on the internet until he finds websites and forums devoted to suggestions on spicing up the bedroom life for couples. Though he and Dean aren’t technically a couple, this information could still be useful.

If he’s lucky, Castiel might be able to compile a list of things that appeal to him enough to try it. He’ll read about it, maybe look at a video about it, and make his decision then. Castiel knows that he told Dean that he would try anything once, but there’s an addendum to that. It has to be something that he actually finds appealing. Apparently he isn’t opposed to licking his own ejaculate off of his partner, but he knows he wouldn’t enjoy – what did Gabriel call it again?

The name escapes him, but Castiel remembers none too fondly the time Gabriel got drunk and went on about sub genres of kinky sex. He went into great detail about how there are people who like to be urinated or defecated on. Far be it from Castiel to judge anyone on what they find pleasurable, but he knows that’s not his cup of tea. He accepts that there are all sorts of things out there that people find arousing, but that particular branch of sex is just not for him. Besides, at this point in his life Castiel is barely comfortable with using a public washroom when someone else is at another urinal close enough to be able to see _him_ while he’s urinating.

In a notepad document, Castiel starts his list of things that appeal to him. So far, the only thing on it is rimming. He puts on some instrumental music to listen to while he searches, perusing each list that he finds and searching for anything that he doesn’t understand. Spanking goes on his not interested list. If Dean wants to try it, he might – but right now, not so much. That’s always been a punishment from his childhood and he doesn’t really want anything like _punishment_ associated to the good feelings he gets from having sex with Dean.

Before he can add anything else to his list, his phone buzzes on the blanket next to him. It plays the quick tone that signifies a text message. Castiel reaches for it blindly, more interested in the crescendo of music in his ears and the text on his screen than what’s happening with his phone. His attention switches the moment he notes that the text message is from Dean.

**_Hey huggybear what u up to?_ **

One of Castiel’s eyebrows arches up his forehead. _Huggybear_? Well, that is certainly new. No one has ever called him that before, and especially not Dean. He stares at the message for a minute before typing out an answer. **_Studying._** In a sense. Just not the sense that Dean will likely think.

**_Sam around?_ **

Castiel looks up from his phone. Sam’s bedroom door is still shut and he hasn’t made any attempt to venture out of it yet. He’ll probably be out soon enough. It’s getting rather close to dinner time and Castiel isn’t partial to eating a microwave dinner – since he knows Sam will rat him out to Dean for cooking if he actually tries making something on the stove.

 ** _In his room._** He’s tempted to ask why Dean wants to know. Castiel chews on his bottom lip before starting to type it out. His phone buzzes with a new message before he’s finished.

**_So u like taking pics right?_ **

Now his other eyebrow arches up with the first. **_Yes, we’ve established that I do._** Castiel has an idea of where Dean is going with this line of questioning.

**_What are the chances u’d take dirty pics for me?_ **

Bingo. It’s always nice to validate how well he knows Dean. But that is a very good question. Could he ever take sexual pictures of himself? At this point in time, his immediate reaction is to say _no_. Pictures are evidence and he’s heard too many horror stories about celebrities having their private pictures spread across the internet by a current or ex partner. His father might actually die if that ever happened to one of his sons and Castiel isn’t willing to risk that right now.

He feels a little bad about having to turn Dean down. **_Roughly the same chance you would have of breathing the atmosphere on Mercury._** Though, he does trust Dean, so his opinion on that might change – as long as it’s kept somewhere that can’t be lost or hacked.

Thankfully, Dean doesn’t seem too disappointed. **_Would u be one of those guys interested in taking dirty pics of me?_**

Well _there’s_ a thought. A rather good one at that. It certainly plays to Castiel’s desire to take pictures of Dean. When he first developed his – uh – well, he wouldn’t call it an _obsession_ , though it was close to that. When he first developed his interest in taking pictures of Dean, he never once thought of taking any _naughty_ pictures of him. Everything he ever dreamed of were far more candid, or artistic. Definitely nothing _nude_. But now that the idea has been presented to him, it most definitely appeals to him.

Castiel opens his notepad document and types _dirty photo shoot_ as the next point on it. He could take pictures of Dean lying naked on the bed. Of him touching himself, or masturbating, or even fingering himself. Maybe he could do some point of view shots while they’re having sex – though that would require a steady hand and Castiel was anything _but_ steady when they had sex. But he could take pictures of Dean using toys, couldn’t he? Oh, toys! He adds that to the list too.

As soon as he presses _save_ , his phone buzzes again with another message from Dean. **_Is that a no?_**

He smiles and types out a quick response. **_I had to stop and think about the kinds of pictures I would want to take of you like that._**

 ** _What’s the verdict?_** Castiel imagines that the message sounds hopeful.

His smile grows. **_I would be amenable to it._** In fact, he is _extremely_ amenable to it. But he’s definitely going to need a better camera than his cell phone for this. He could get his Polaroid repaired, but those would be actual physical copies. If Dean is alright with that, then he’ll absolutely pay to get it fixed. Though he really would like to get a far more _current_ camera.

 ** _But not of u, huh?_** He sounds so disappointed that it pulls at Castiel’s heartstrings.

 ** _We’ll see how comfortable I feel about it later._** He chews his bottom lip in thought before adding to that message. **_I DID say that I would try anything once, remember?_** Maybe if he was in charge of keeping the files secret. He’s become very good at hiding pictures over the years. Especially when Gabriel stopped respecting personal boundaries.

And now Castiel needs a change of topic before he ends up accidentally spilling the surprise that he’s working on. **_Aren’t you supposed to be with your friends?_**

Dean’s response is almost instantaneous. It must be the fastest response he’s ever sent. **_Not here yet u should’ve come too_**

Doubtful. He’s not twenty-one yet, for starters. **_Exams are around the corner. I don’t have the time to waste._** His next one is just a day away. He’ll have to spend all of tomorrow studying and he should probably do it at the library. It’s Sunday tomorrow and he’s fairly certain that Dean has the day off. Which means he’ll be _here_ and he’ll just be one great big distraction.

Another question occurs to him and he doesn’t hesitate to send it. **_Why would you even want me there? I’m a light weight._** He’s only consumed alcohol once in his life and Dean was there for it. He _has_ to remember how terrible that went.

**_An ADORABLE light weight!_ **

They clearly have different memories of how that night went. Castiel rolls his eyes and he’s about to start typing another message when another message pops up. **_Jo is here! Remind Sam that he needs 2 eat while he’s studying & u need food 2! I’ll c u l8er!_**

He really needs to teach Dean to type like he’s not a fourteen year old girl. Castiel sighs and puts his phone aside and looks up from his laptop. “Sam?” Hopefully he won’t have to raise his voice much louder than this. He doesn’t like having to shout to get someone’s attention.

After a moment, Sam’s bedroom door opens and he leans out. “What’s up, Cas?”

“I’m done changing.” It’s a bit moot now, but he realizes that he never informed Sam of that like he should have earlier. “Also, Dean suggests that we break from studying long enough to have some supper. I went shopping today, so there should be plenty to choose from.”

Sam laughs and rolls his eyes. “I guess I could do with something right now.” He steps out into the hall and stretches. “Are you in the mood for anything in particular? I could whip up a mean box of Kraft Dinner – or some kind of soup? A sandwich?”

“I could do with some Hamburger Helper.” Castiel closes his laptop and takes his headphones out. “The hamburger I bought is in the freezer, but it should still be alright to use.”

“Sounds good to me.”

He gets up with the full intent on helping Sam make dinner. He might not be allowed to cook on his own, but he can absolutely _help_. In this case, that might just be getting the pasta boiling while Sam works on cooking the hamburger. Either way, at least he’ll feel like he accomplished something. And perhaps he might actually learn how to make the hamburger himself if he watches. Honestly, he needs this. It’ll get his mind off certain _things_.

*

After the food has been made and eaten, Castiel ends up returning to his ‘studying’ for a lack of anything better to do. He gets his list up to five points before he closes it. So far it consists of rimming, taking pictures of each other, using toys, role playing, and blindfolds. He could have continued, as the lists he found had _plenty_ of things – many of which would have required looking them up. Especially since Sam relocated to the living room for some relaxation after eating, he didn’t particularly want to do research _that_ in depth.

Five is plenty and as far as Castiel can tell, none of them are particularly ‘ _out there_ ’. It’s nothing especially weird and Castiel feels that Dean would likely be open to all of these. He already knows that Dean is interested in the rimming, and he was the one who suggested the photo shoot – more or less. The rest will have to be a surprise. They’re all things they haven’t done together and Castiel is rather looking forward to trying them.

In particular, he’s looking forward to all the things that _he_ can do to _Dean_. Castiel wants to do things to Dean that will make him shake and come apart under his hands and mouth. God, but he hopes that they’ll continue this relationship long enough for him to know what that will be like. He doesn’t want this to end before he has the chance to hold Dean in return.

While Sam watches TV, Castiel pulls out a small box that he keeps in bedside table. The top half of the table is a drawer and the bottom half are two shelves. The box is kept on the bottom shelf with a few other things that don’t quite fit anywhere else. It’s about half the size of a shoebox and it’s where he keeps all the Polaroid pictures that he’s taken over the years. He’d rather keep them in a photo album, but he doesn’t exactly have the space for that at the moment.

He sorts through the box, looking for a picture that will suit his needs. Dean wanted a picture of him and he doesn’t have many of those, and especially nothing that was taken by _him_. But there is one that he doesn’t completely hate. It’s a picture of him and Gabriel and his first meal at the Café as a high school graduate. Meg was the one who took it and she did a fairly good job, actually.

Castiel puts the rest of the photos away and sticks the Polaroid to the fridge with a magnet. It’s right next to the one that he sent Dean earlier. A pleasing warm feeling spreads through his chest at having the two of them there. It makes him feel like he’s part of the Winchester family. Having pictures on the fridge – one of them being something that _he_ took – is like the family ideal that he never had as a child. There was no fridge with pictures of him or of his achievements at the boarding schools he grew up in, and most definitely not at home.

Pleased with himself and with his life at the moment, Castiel opens the fridge to get himself a drink. His smile falls when he sees the pie. Honestly, he had forgotten all about its existence. Either Dean never found it while Castiel was showering, or he did and he never mentioned it. Well, if he’s true to his word and he actually does come home tonight, Castiel will just have to remind him about it – if he’s still awake. He doesn’t actually know _when_ Dean will be coming back, after all.

The TV turns off while Castiel is polishing off his glass of milk. “Hey, Cas?”

“Hm?” He turns to find Sam at the edge of the kitchen.

“I’m going to head back to studying now.” Sam runs both hands through his hair while he stretches. “We’ve both got an exam on Monday, right?” He doesn’t wait for an answer as he cuts through the kitchen to the hallway. “If Dean comes home, make sure that he keeps it down, okay?”

Castiel nods and rinses his glass out in the sink. “Of course. I’ll be spending tomorrow studying. My brain needs a break from everything for tonight.”

Sam laughs from down the hallway. “Puh- _lease_ , Cas. Out of everyone in the school, you’re more prepared for these exams than anyone. You probably don’t even _need_ to study.”

To be honest, that’s probably true, but that doesn’t mean Castiel isn’t going to have his nose buried in his notes tomorrow. The rest of the school doesn’t have his Father breathing down their necks and expecting top tier marks from them. If they did, they’d probably crumble under the pressure – much like Castiel wishes he could sometimes. Though he sincerely doubts that it would make anything easier.

Sam shuts himself away in his bedroom again and Castiel snags another book from the shelf under his bedside table. He settles into his corner of the couch again, ready to spend the rest of the evening reading and relaxing. Everything that can be done has be done and he’s not going to waste anymore time thinking or working on any potential sexual adventures in the future.

Castiel is still reading when Dean comes home barely more than a few hours later. It’s surprisingly early for him, considering that he usually returns in the very extremely hours of the morning – or not at all. The door opens behind him and Castiel doesn’t think of looking before he’s finished reading the paragraph he’s on. He never does finish reading it. A moment after the door closes, there’s suddenly a nose pressing into his hair in what is undoubtedly an affectionate nuzzle.

That one little gesture has his heart spiraling with delight. He looks back over his shoulder, slightly confused with what just happened. Not only did Dean kiss him goodbye, but he nuzzled him hello? And of course how could he ever forget about that _huggybear_ comment?

“Did you have a good time out?” He obviously drove home, so he didn’t have _too_ much to drink. But how much did he have to encourage him to nuzzle Castiel in greeting?

Dean’s answer is a shrug as he kicks off his shoes and heads into the kitchen. “Yeah, it was pretty good. He’s making a beeline for the fridge and Castiel grips the edge of the book, waiting for him to open the door and find the pie. “Made a new friend, maybe found a new hobby. I –”

His hand is only on the handle when he stops talking. He hasn’t found the pie yet, but he’s staring at the freezer door. Castiel looks back at his book and he can feel the back of his neck heating up. Obviously Dean has found the picture he put up. Now it’s just a matter of waiting for the verdict of whether or not Dean likes it. If he doesn’t, then Castiel will be disappointed, obviously.

Instead of saying anything about the picture, Dean returns to the living room without opening the fridge. He goes straight to the cases of DVDs that they have under the TV. “Sam home?”

Castiel bites back a frown. Why hasn’t Dean said anything about the picture? “If he hasn’t gone to bed yet, then he’s studying in his room still.” He watches Dean pull open one of the boxes and start rifling through the cases. “Are you going to watch a movie?”

“Maybe.” Dean shrugs and spares a glance at him. “You’re not studying are you?”

He shakes his head and closes the book. “I’m taking a break for the rest of the night.” Castiel leans forward to put it on the coffee table. “Would you mind if I joined you?” It’s very unlikely that Dean will tell him that he can’t, considering that his bed is also in the living room and Castiel has nowhere else to go aside from the bathroom, but it’s still a possibility – especially considering that Dean hasn’t said anything about the picture so he might not be happy with it.

A wide grin spreads across Dean’s face and it melts away some of Castiel’s bigger fears. “I was planning on it, Cas.” He looks back to the DVDs and pulls out a case. “I’m in the mood for something fantasy. You alright with Dragonheart?”

Castiel squints at the case. “I’ve never seen it.” Or heard of it, for that matter.

Dean doesn’t look surprised. He rolls his eyes in a rather fond way as he puts the DVD into the player. Rather than come straight to the couch to sit down, he detours to Castiel’s bed and steals one of the two pillows he has on it. Castiel raises an eyebrow at that. Why does he need his pillow? His other eyebrow rises too when Dean proceeds to throw it down in his lap. Finally, he sits down. Or rather, he lays down and proceeds to put his head directly on the pillow resting on Castiel’s thighs.

A surprised noise wrestles its way out of his throat and Castiel does his best to hold still while Dean makes himself comfortable, lifting his right hand out of the way and everything. “ _Dean_ , what if Sam –” He glances over his shoulder towards the hallway.

“He’s not going to think anything of it.” Dean shrugs and fiddles with the remote, working his way through the DVD menu. “I’m a comfort and a couch hog. This is perfectly normal for me. The most that Sam’s gonna be worried about is if I’m making you uncomfortable or something.” He pauses for a moment and turns to look up at Castiel. “I’m not, am I?”

His cheeks tickle when heat spreads through them and Castiel shakes his head. “I’m fine. But –” Castiel’s right hand is still left in a limbo above Dean’s shoulder and he waves it to draw Dean’s attention to it. “Where would it be appropriate for me to rest my hand?” He can think of a few places that he would like to rest it, but running his fingers through Dean’s hair while Sam is home doesn’t seem like the best of plans at the moment.

Dean shrugs again, his attention back on the TV. “Wherever’s comfortable for you.”

Castiel frowns down at his lap and analyzes the various ways he can rest his arm without being _weird_ about it. He finally decides on resting his elbow on Dean’s shoulder and keeping his hand tucked behind his head. That way, if Sam goes to bed or something, he can easily play with Dean’s hair with minimal movement – if Dean will let him, that is. At least this is comfortable and Dean doesn’t complain about it.

They’re about twenty minutes into the movie when he hears Sam’s door open. Dean must hear it too, because he flinches out the sound and turns his head slightly. He flinches again when Sam calls down the hallway. “Guys, I’m going to bed! Can you turn the volume down?” Dean immediately grabs the remote and lowers the volume. “Thanks! G’night, guys!”

Castiel waits a moment after the door shuts again before he moves his hand. He starts with one finger brushing through Dean’s hair. When he doesn’t get a complaint about that, he slowly moves to include all his fingers, sliding them through Dean’s hair in a soft motion. His gaze remains focused on the screen, but he still knows when Dean glances up at him. Castiel expects him to tell him to stop, but Dean doesn’t say anything. He just turns back to watching the movie with what sounds like an undoubtedly _happy_ sigh. It’s a sound that warms Castiel from the inside out and he couldn’t stop himself from smiling even if he tried to.

Judging from the plot of the movie, Castiel estimates that they’re almost at the end of it when he remembers that Dean _still_ doesn’t know about the pie. “Oh, I forgot to mention –” Dean hums a quiet note of encouragement for him to continue, apparently not caring that Castiel is interrupting the movie. “I bought you a slice of pie today. It’s in the fridge.”

Dean sits up so quickly that he knocks Castiel’s whole arm out of the way. “You _what_?”

The way he stares at him is rather intense and Castiel finds it hard to meet his eyes. “I bought you a slice of pie from that bakery down the street. It’s one of your favourite, right?” Castiel shrugs and tries to act like his attention is still on the movie. “I got off a stop too early on my way home and picked up a slice of apple pie for you.”

The stare doesn’t let up. “But you had all that shopping.”

“And you like pie.” Castiel shrugs and fidgets with the edge of the pillow case. He chances a glance at Dean. “I thought it was something that you would like.”

Without warning, Dean breaks into the biggest smile that Castiel has quite possibly ever seen on him. He leans in without a word to kiss Castiel full on the mouth. A hand even comes up to cup his jaw and hold him there. Far be it from Castiel to question _why_ Dean is doing this. Obviously he’s just very happy to have a slice of pie ready and waiting for him. His thumb brushes Castiel’s cheek in a gentle sweep until he pulls away.

It was short, it was sweet, and it leaves Castiel breathless.

“You’re the _best_ , Cas.” Dean whispers and kisses him once in a quick peck. And then he’s up and off the couch and nosing through the fridge for his pie.

He doesn’t see Castiel’s smile or how he hugs the pillow to try and hide it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warnings:_
>
>> \- blow job(s)  
> \- anal fingering  
> \- bottom!Cas  
> \- bottom!Dean


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Cas!” Jess wraps her arms around his shoulders and presses a kiss into his hair when she returns from Sam’s bedroom. “Put those books away! It’s movies and magic night!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter content warnings are at the end of chapter. Please click the link below to see them.**
> 
> This chapter takes place during [Chapter Seven](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4284210) of the A Little Patience story line.

There is, without a shadow of a doubt, no point in Castiel’s life where he ever thought that his days would revolve around something that didn’t have to do with school. In fact, the very last thing he would ever have have thought of is what his life now currently is. Every single day he’s thinking about or trying to find the time when he’ll be able to sneak a moment of solitude with Dean. Every single day, he and Dean practically jump at the chance to be alone together and do _something_.

The moment that Sam steps out of the house, be it to do some shopping, pick up Jess, or if it’s for an exam or studying elsewhere, Castiel and Dean will drop whatever they’re doing. Dean has actually abandoned making lunch just to push Castiel up against the nearest wall. He’ll turn the stove off or leave his sandwich half made. Moments alone aren’t exactly rare, but if they want to do something, then they need to take advantage of what time they can. It means that in a very short amount of time, they’ve become rather skilled at knowing how much time they need to do certain things.

For example, they can usually exchange blow jobs in the time it takes Sam to go pick up Jess from her campus apartment. Any errands to the corner store only allow for making out. Exams or out-of-the-apartment studying give more than enough time for proper sex. Though, to be honest, Castiel is a little surprised by how little they actually do have sex. Dean doesn’t push for it nearly as often as Castiel thought he would. More often than not, he actually tends to get Castiel off with his fingers and mouth as opposed to sex.

There are a multitude of reasons for that and Castiel is fairly certain (though there’s quite a bit of hope in the mix) that the reason is because of the time of the year. He’s in the middle of exams and sex is not only somewhat time consuming (what with prep, the act, some after-sex kissing, and then the clean-up – which usually involves a shared or separate showers) but it’s also draining. Dean always looks like he wants a nap after and Castiel would be lying if he said that he has never considered that an option either. And that would just eat into his studying time if he did that.

But, on the bright side, Castiel doesn’t really mind that they don’t have sex as much. He’s plenty happy with just being able to do _something_ with him. Certainly, he would love to do more (and more often too) but they simply don’t have the time for it. Besides, he’s managed to get Dean accustomed to having fingers in his ass too. Castiel always gets a thrill when Dean practically encourages him to finger him while he’s giving a blow job. He hopes that it means he’ll soon be allowed to have his turn at playing the role of the ‘top’ between them.

Much to Castiel’s dismay, the hope that Dean has been keeping the number of their “home runs” (as the saying goes) low because of his exams is all but completely dashed against the rocks of reality. Dean didn’t come home last night. It’s just over a week before Castiel’s exams are finished, with only two left. His heart had sunk a little when Dean said he was going out with Benny and some of the other guys from work, but he had his hopes that Dean would return at some point during the night. After all, why would he go someplace else to seek what is both a closer and an easier option? _Castiel_ , of course.

Of course, that hope was small at best and it dwindled every minute that ticked past midnight. It took Castiel seventy-two of those painfully slow minutes to fall asleep. He had gone to bed earlier, but he stayed awake and watched the front door. Midnight is when he started counting the seconds and adding up the minutes in his head. But there was no Dean when he finally closed his eyes.

When he opens them again in the morning, the first thing Castiel does is sit up and look at Dean’s room. A vice squeezes around each lung and Castiel grins his palms into his eyes, trying to rub away the sight of Dean’s bedroom door still sitting wide open. It’s only ever like that when Dean isn’t in it. For a brief instance there, Castiel had been foolish enough to hope that Dean might have come home in the middle of the night and he had just slept through it.

But of course Dean didn’t come home. He found someone at the bar who didn’t have exams to worry about. Or they did, but they were too drunk to care about them, or flat out don’t care about them at all. Or they might have already graduated for that matter and they never have to worry about exams again. Dean likely went home with someone who doesn’t have a time limit on how long they can do things for. They’re someone with more experience. Someone who doesn’t have to hide from anyone that they’re sleeping with Dean Winchester. Someone whose heart isn’t going to break when Dean leaves in the morning and they might never see him again.

Castiel feels like he’s going to be sick. Thankfully, Sam is still snoring when Castiel ducks into the bathroom. Hopefully, he won’t be getting up any time soon. And hopefully he won’t be upset that Castiel plans to use up most of the hot water right now. The burn will help take his mind off things. But it won’t change how this is the saddest that Castiel has been in a long time. He can’t remember the last time his chest hurt this much. Every breath is razor blades. Every thought is a faceless man or woman, holding Dean or being held by him.

Who did he go home with? Where is he now? Will he be home soon? Bile stings the back of Castiel’s throat at the realization that Dean might come home and smell like that other person. And, of course, he can’t help but spend a portion of his shower wondering if _he_ did something wrong. Was it something that he did to make Dean go somewhere else? What could Castiel have done to let Dean know that, regardless of his exams, he is ready and willing? Short of flat out telling him or taking control of the situation and bodily climbing into Dean’s lap, he can’t think of any other ways to get that across.

It’s of little surprise that Castiel ends up not even having the heart to touch himself during his shower. God, but the thought of it – the thought of touching himself or of sex in general – is making his stomach turn. He doesn’t want to touch himself at all right now, except for what he needs to for cleaning himself with a cloth and soap. Hurt coils tight between his ribs while he does it, and bitter thoughts make his temples pound painfully.

What’s the point of fingering himself either in preparation or to keep his skills up to par when Dean apparently doesn’t even want him anyways? No, that’s not true. Castiel shakes his head to get that thought out of it as he turns the water off. It’s not that Dean doesn’t want him. He _does_ , but what he doesn’t want is a relationship. Dean _wants_ to keep sleeping around, and it’s just Castiel who can’t wrap his head around _why_.

And now that his shower is done, Castiel has nothing else to do but study. It’s too late for him to try and sleep any longer, but he’s certainly not in the right frame of mind to get any studying done. But what else can he do? He _needs_ to do this studying. His second to last exam is right around the corner and he needs his marks on this to be perfect. Castiel can’t even imagine if he dropped a grade because of this. How would he ever explain this to his father?

Unsurprisingly, after Castiel sets up his studying spot at the kitchen table, he doesn’t study. His laptop sets itself into sleep mode after ten minutes of going untouched and he doesn’t flip his textbook page for a twenty minutes. That’s how long he’s sitting there before Sam wakes up and shuffles into the kitchen. The only thing Castiel actually did prior to that was set the coffee maker going. He has a mug in his hands, and he _has_ sipped from it a few times, but not much.

Now that Sam is in the kitchen, Castiel tries to look like he’s studying. He picks up his pen and jots down a few notes. His eyes even actually move over the page. Surprisingly, he even turns it. The true question lies in whether or not he’s actually absorbing anything. Chances are, he isn’t, but Castiel doesn’t really care about anything right now. He feels numb. No, that’s a lie. All he feels right now is pain. But he could say that he’s numbed to it, somewhat.

All he can even manage when Sam says good morning is a hum of acknowledgement. Hopefully he doesn’t look too morose this morning. Castiel wouldn’t know where to start to try and explain why he’s not his usual self at the moment. Chances are, if he tried that then he might accidentally tell Sam about the ‘secret’ relationship that he has with Dean. Once the beans have been spilled, Dean might not want to sleep with him anymore and – and then what? God, he doesn’t even want to think about what might chance in their lives if that came around.

To his surprise, Sam ends up putting a plate of toast and orange slices next to him. “I know Dean said you shouldn’t use the stove, but there’s plenty of breakfast options that don’t need it.” His tone is teasing as he gives Castiel’s shoulder a playful squeeze. “You don’t need to starve yourself waiting for one of us to make breakfast, y’know?”

Castiel ducks his head, but there’s no laugh to be found within him. “Thank you, Sam.”

Truthfully, the thought of food only makes his stomach turn right now. But he forces himself to pick up one of the toast slices and eat it. He doesn’t want to seem rude for not eating it after Sam went to the effort of making it for him. Besides, he should eat to keep up both his mental and physical strength. Otherwise, he’s _definitely_ not going to get anything out of the studying he _should_ be doing.

He still has two of his original four orange slices and one of the pieces of toast left when he hears the keys in the lock. Castiel does his best not to flinch when the door opens and Dean walks in. Part of him wants to look over and see him, but Castiel can’t bring himself to do it. What if Dean allowed the stranger to put marks on him? What if he actually _looks_ like he’s been well and truly ‘taken care of’? He has to put his toast down and breathe through his mouth to keep from maybe accidentally smelling if Dean is carrying the scent of someone else on his clothes.

Despite the torrid tumult of thoughts twisting through his head, Castiel doesn’t miss Dean’s heavy sigh or the telltale sound of him slumping against the door.

Sam sits up straighter to look over Castiel’s head at the door. “Fun night?” There’s a flat edge to his voice and it bears the same disapproval currently sitting heavy in Castiel’s stomach.

“Always is.”

At the sound of his voice, some of Castiel’s tension is shaved away. But it only gets replaced with a sense of curiosity. Dean doesn’t _sound_ like he had a fun night. He sounds tired and – hm. There’s something else that Castiel can’t quite put his finger on. Maybe he would know if Dean would speak more, but it could almost be – maybe, defeat? No, that doesn’t sound quite right. Castiel is so wrapped up in trying to pinpoint what the other emotion in Dean’s voice might be that it takes the sound of the bathroom door closing for him to realize that he didn’t even greet Dean. Granted, he had a mouthful of toast and he could pass his silence off as being ‘ _in the study zone_ ’. But he still feels bad about it, even though he’s not sure if he can even bring himself to look at Dean at all today.

This might be the first time in history, but Castiel thinks he might actually be – is he _mad_ at Dean? No, he’s not mad. He’s – well, quite frankly, he’s hurt. And it only stings more when he knows that he shouldn’t be. Castiel knew right from the beginning that this is how their arrangement is – how it was always going to be. No matter how much he wants it, he’s not Dean’s one and only. Not like Dean is for him. Dean doesn’t have a one and only. He has no one and yet, he has everyone. He wanted their relationship to be like this so they could ‘both’ (hah!) keep sleeping around.

Castiel’s nose wrinkles when he takes another sip of his coffee, if only to hide his grimace. That particular bit of their agreement always leaves a bad taste in his mouth. He has no plans to sleep with anyone else. And no matter how much he wishes, he doubts that he’s going to be able to do or be everything that Dean wants enough to just keep him _here_. It’s not like Castiel didn’t know that this was going to happen. It was bound to happen eventually and, now that it has, he just needs to find a way to deal with it until he finds his status quo again.

In this case, it might be studying. The more he tries to act like nothing's wrong, the more notes he takes. Of course it’s not _fixing_ anything, but whatever depressed stupor that had settled in his head gets pushed out of the way. This is nothing more than a distraction, but as long as he can keep busy, he’s happy. Then he doesn’t need to think about anything else and things will eventually go back to normal. If he can get through this without worrying either Sam or Dean, that might just be a miracle.

When the bathroom door opens again and Castiel can practically feel the whole apartment warm up from the release of steam, he takes a deep breath and truly focuses on his work. This is just something that he’s going to have to get used to. It’s not something he can hold against Dean. He _agreed_ to this, knowing full well what might happen – and knowing that it will _continue_ to happen. And just like everything else in his life, Castiel is just going to get used to it and make the best of the situation.

But still, there’s a sharp sting in the back of his throat. Every time he opens his mouth, either to breathe or take a bite of the small breakfast Sam made for him, Castiel can feel it pinching back all his words. This might very well be the quietest day that he’s had in a long time, and that hurts. He doesn’t _want_ to not talk to Dan. But the words just aren’t coming – not when Dean comes into the kitchen again to make his own breakfast, and not when he goes to the living room to sit and fiddle with his laptop.

Unsurprisingly, this pattern carries out through the rest of the day. Castiel can’t bring himself to say anything to Dean directly. It’s not as hard to get out a few words to Sam, but they feel like sandpaper on his tongue whenever he asks for Sam to pass him something or to answer any questions he might have. This is rather surprising, actually. Sam rarely studies outside of his bedroom, but today he’s set up next to Castiel and they’re sharing the table.

In fact, Sam might be more attuned to his moods than Castiel gives him credit for. He’s being oddly attentive today and Castiel isn’t sure exactly why that might be. By the time lunch rolls around, Sam has offered to refill Castiel’s coffee at least three times _and_ he made sure that Castiel had all the supplies he needed before he even sat down. Which, of course, Castiel did. Sam should know by now that he is _always_ prepared when it comes to studying time.

In a strange turn of events, Dean is actually quieter than Castiel and Sam are. He doesn’t turn the TV on while they’re on their own, instead using his laptop and his headphones. Castiel knows because he did steal a little glance. He was curious and wanted to know why Dean was being so quiet. If he’s not mistaken, it’s Game of Thrones that Dean is watching on his computer. In any case, he does his best not to bother Castiel and Sam while they’re studying.

Despite that, brothers will be brothers and they do speak to each other a few times throughout the morning and afternoon. The only time the TV actually goes on is when Sam gets up from the table with a stretch and loudly announces that it’s break time. Castiel steadfastly stays at the table and continues to write out his notes, identifying anything that he thinks he might need to work on before the exam. But break time becomes lunch time and Dean makes sandwiches for everyone. He and Sam eat theirs in front of the TV together.

On any other day, Castiel would have joined them. But today he just – he can’t. The most Castiel managed to do was put his pen down and lean back in his chair. Every time he makes the decision to get up and go join them, his body locks up. The same happens whenever he tries to say anything to Dean. If Sam wasn’t the one who gave him the sandwich, he might never have been able to choke out a ‘ _thank you_ ’ for it.

And it’s not just his body that seems to run into a brick wall wherever Dean is concerned. His brain is absolutely in on that particular issue as well. The moment he wants to do anything with any regard to Dean, every bit of his studying gets pushed aside. His whole head gets filled with the kind of imaginings that he really wishes it wouldn’t give him. Each one is an image that burns his mind hard enough that he needs to squeeze his eyes shut and try to force it away.

But how will he ever be able to forget the thought of Dean with someone else? Those faceless men and women are going to haunt him for a long time yet. The images of them in Dean’s arms, kissing him and doing everything that _he_ wants to do with Dean just – it causes a tornado of emotions in him; anger, jealousy, sadness, desire, disgust. So many things. The worst of it is the disgust, of course. If only because it’s directed at _him_ for not being able to control himself.

Castiel should be above this. He shouldn’t be getting dizzy thinking about all of this. He should be studying and treating Dean like normal. What must Dean be thinking about how Castiel hasn’t said a single word to him since he got home? Is he worried? Has he even noticed? Of course he’s noticed. What Dean did last night is no different from what he was doing before their agreement and it’s not going to change just because they’ve had sex.

And there he goes again. Castiel allowed himself to have a break and now this is what has happened. He sighs and rubs at his eyes. Enough. He’s not going to dwell on this anymore. He’s _not_. And to make sure of that, he shakes his head and picks up his pen again. No more breaks. If he only fills his head with studying, then there won’t be any room for anything else. Hopefully.

*

“Hey Cas?” Sam taps his shoulder at some point in the late afternoon. “Would it be okay if I borrow your printer for a second?” He gestures at the wireless one set up in the corner of the table.

The most Castiel can manage is to glance up and nod before he gets right back to studying. There’s no room for anything else in his struggling, yet valiant, attempt at keeping out every bad thought that’s trying to worm its way into his head. So far, it’s working and he doesn’t pay any further attention to what Sam does with the printer – until a few minutes later when he calls Dean into the kitchen.

“What’s up, chicken butt?” Dean leans his hip against Sam’s chair and he’s suddenly closer than he has been all day.

Castiel is immediately distracted. Dean’s aftershave isn’t as strong this late in the day, but Castiel can still smell it and the very _Dean_ scent of him. It sends a shiver down his spine and he has to catch himself to make sure that he doesn’t do anything like stop writing. But it’s hard because Dean is _right there_ with his voice and his heat and his smell and his everything that makes Castiel want to crawl into his arms and never leave. There’s a comfort that Dean gives him that he’s been sorely in need of all day. How unfortunate that Dean is a part of the reason why he feels like this.

“Here.” Sam holds up the paper he’d printed. “Make this for supper.”

Castiel lifts his head, his curiosity getting the better of him. All he manages to catch a glimpse of is one of the words at the top of the page; _Spaghetti_. They’ve had that multiple times before and Castiel raises an eyebrow at Sam. Why would they need a recipe for that? Dean rarely uses recipes when he cooks.

“You could have just said that you wanted spaghetti.” Dean mirrors Castiel’s thoughts with a laugh. “I don’t need a recipe for that, Sam.”

He holds the paper out again, but Sam pushes it at him. “Did you actually _read it_ , Dean?”

The only thing Castiel can’t bring himself to do is look up and see what Dean’s expression is when he reads out the title of the recipe. “Filipino Spaghetti? How’s that any diff –” He pauses as he must read through the list of ingredients. “Sam, we don’t have the sauce packet that the recipe says we need.”

“Yes we do!” A wide grin spreads across Sam’s lips and he jumps up from the table. Castiel watches, interested now, as Sam pulls one from the cupboard. “Jess had her roommate pick this up for us. She made it for Jess last week and Jess swears that it beats regular spaghetti by a mile. It’s awesome and we need to try it.”

“But _you_ haven’t tried it?”

Sam shakes his head and gets a determined look on his face. “New things aren’t going to kill you, Dean. Just give it a try. I know you’re going to love it.”

Castiel can actually hear the roll of Dean’s eyes in his tone. “Fine, fine. Whatever. Do we even have any hamburger for this?” He starts towards the fridge and stops when Sam makes an uncertain sound.

“Actually…” Sam catches Castiel by surprise when he looks to him. “Did you buy that ground chicken? I put it on the shopping list last week.” His smile brightens when Castiel nods. “Awesome! Then it’s in the freezer. And before you get all pissy about it –” He turns a pointed look to Dean. “– Jess’s other roommate doesn’t eat beef or pork, so they made it with chicken and turkey and it tastes just as good so follow the recipe with those substitutions, okay?”

Dean’s only comment is; “Turkey?”

“As in turkey dogs. Y’know, instead of hot dogs.”

The disbelief is thick in Dean’s voice and Castiel can perfectly picture what his expression is, despite how his back is mostly to him. “What the hell kind of spaghetti are the Filipinos eating?”

“The best kind.” Sam pats him on the shoulder and gives him a hopeful look. “Don’t question the recipe, okay? Just make it and I promise you’ll like it. This stuff has Jess’s gold seal and you know how much you trust her food critique.”

Dean sighs and the shakes the paper out. “The girl does have damned good tastes.” After a moment of silence, he sighs again. “Yeah, yeah, okay. Fine. I’ll make the damn stuff. Just sit your ass down, study a while, and kick that exam’s butt.”

“If that’s the price I have to pay for you to make supper, then so be it.” Sam drops back into his chair next to Castiel with a wink. “It’s going to be great, Cas. You’ll see.”

All Castiel can bring himself to do is nod and reach for his headphones. If Dean is going to be making dinner now, then it’s going to get loud in here. Music will help to keep Castiel’s mind on his studies and less on Dean, especially since he’ll now be within reach. Sam seems to be of the same mindset as he gets his own music going and settles down again with his chin propped against his hand.

True to form, the music does wonders and Castiel berates himself for not having done this sooner. He’s so lost in the depths of the crooning melodies of Jon Bon Jovi and complex mathematical equations that he’s completely caught by surprise when Dean puts a hand on a his shoulder and a plate of spaghetti in front of him. Castiel even jumps in his seat and pulls the ear phones out.

“Sorry, Cas.” The words are an amused rumble in Castiel’s ear. “But it’s time to eat. You shouldn’t study _too_ hard. It’s good to take a break every now and then.”

Castiel stares at the food and his stomach gives and appreciative, and altogether longing grumble at it. The pasta looks boiled to perfection and it’s covered by the meatiest sauce he has ever seen and spotted with angled slices of hot dogs. The pasta is framed by four triangular slices of what looks like toast with a garlic butter spread on it. Just the sight alone has Castiel’s jaw twinging with how quickly he starts to salivate. And then the smell hits him and he swallows thickly, hungry beyond reason.

“Thank you.”

It comes out on reflex, but Dean doesn’t seem to notice. He squeezes Castiel’s shoulder. “No problem, Cas. I hope you like it.”

Maybe it’s just his imagination, but Castiel thinks that perhaps Dean’s hand lingers a little longer than it should. He doesn’t look up to check, but he does put his pen down in exchange for the fork sticking out of the pile of spaghetti. When Dean leaves the kitchen to go eat in the living room with Sam, Castiel puts his headphones back in and drags his laptop a little closer. There are a few record lectures about the topics that he’s having trouble with that he can listen to while he eats. It’s better than listening to Dean and Sam watch TV together.

He uses the time it takes to find and open the files to let his stomach calm down. Apparently the simple touch of Dean’s hand has it flip flopping in an anxious, wriggling mess. There’s no way it’s going to accept food when it’s like this. But the droning and near monotone voice of his math professor does well enough to dull every possible sensation he’s capable of feeling. Except the taste of the food, that is.

As soon as Castiel thinks he’s calmed down enough to eat, he zones out of the lecture and right into the food. It’s _amazing_. The sauce is so much sweeter than what he’s used too when it comes to spaghetti sauce, but it is absolutely wonderful. He doesn’t even mind that there’s quite a bit of meat in the sauce. Castiel likes it and the only thing that has him putting down his phone is so that he can reach for his cell phone and text Jess a quick; **_Thank you for the Filipino Spaghetti suggestion. It’s delicious!_**

She responds before he even gets the next forkful into his mouth. **_I’m always right. You should have learned that by now!!_ ** A second message pops up. **_Study group tomorrow. You in?_**

He considers it, but at the moment Castiel doesn’t exactly feel like being surrounded by people. **_I don’t know. We’ll see?_**

 ** _Hope so!_** She follows it with a small pink and purple set of heart emojis.

Her answer gets the closest thing to a smile that Castiel has had all day. It almost even makes him laugh. Jess is such a good friend and he wishes that he could spend more time with her. He should make plans to do something with her soon, once exams are done of course. Maybe they can go to that Farmer’s Market he’s heard about downtown and hasn’t had the chance to go yet. Dean always makes a face at vegetables, but he might change his mind if he gets to cook with fresh ones like that.

Castiel is still contemplating it when Dean and Sam both come into the kitchen. Dean goes straight to the sink to start filling it with water. Sam makes a detour to the table. By then, Castiel’s plate has been completely cleared and set aside. When Sam sees it, he picks it up and swings it under Castiel’s nose for a tantalizing moment.

“Would you like _seconds_?” He draws the word out into a nearly sing-song tone.

“No, thank you.” It’s a tempting offer, but that might push Castiel into the realm Gabriel likes to call the _hating yourself_ for eating too much. “That was more than enough. My compliments to the chef.” Of course that’s a roundabout way of thanking Dean without saying it directly to him, but Castiel can see how Dean practically puffs up with pride while he dumps the leftovers into Tupperware containers.

It’s just a matter of moments before he gets drawn into some kind of conversation and he knows that he’s not ready for it. Sam hands the plate off to Dean for washing and that’s all Castiel stays turned around to see. He puts his headphones back in and puts his music on again, returning to his studying. On any other day, he’d usually help Dean clean up. But when exams started, Dean had insisted that he be in charge of cleaning up after meals so that Castiel and Sam can focus on studying. Neither of them are complaining, of course, but Castiel still helped him.

Today is just – it’s _different_. That’s all.

*

Castiel is startled out of his studying zone when his phone starts buzzing against the table. It’s one of his alarms. Specifically, it’s the one that he set to make sure that he would go to bed on time. Even though his exam isn’t tomorrow, Castiel still tries to adhere to his normal sleeping pattern. Otherwise, he would probably study through the night and the lack of sleep would mess him up more than anything.

As soon as he starts closing his books and his laptop and stacking them off to the side of the table, Castiel can hear Sam and Dean do the same. After supper, Sam had moved to the living room to ‘ _study_ ’ while watching TV with Dean. Castiel doesn’t know how much studying he actually got done, but it’s good to relax every once in awhile.

Dean turns the TV off when Castiel flips the blanket back on his bed and takes his pajamas out. They’re both getting up and stretching when he heads off to the bathroom. Now that he’s going to bed, they’ll be retiring to their bedrooms too. It’s purely out of courtesy to him, since his bedroom is technically a part of the living room. Castiel doesn’t mind it and he hasn’t missed having a room of his own yet. If he ever needs privacy, the bathroom is always an option, or Sam and Dean have been very good at letting him use their own rooms for some quiet when he needs it.

To his surprise, Dean is still lingering in the living room when he comes out of the bathroom, taking his time with wrapping up the cord for his laptop. The taste of Castiel’s mouthwash is still fresh on his tongue, but it doesn’t cover that unpleasant tang when he tries to open his mouth and say something. A goodnight would be in order on any other night, but the words get swallowed before he can say anything. But Dean looks like he’s waiting for something and Castiel is aware that he keeps stealing little glances at him whenever Dean thinks he’s not looking.

Whatever Dean is after, he doesn’t get it. Castiel crawls into bed in silence and he pulls the blankets up over his shoulders as he faces the wall. His back is to Dean and there’s a stinging in his nose, as if he’s going to cry. Castiel _wants_ to say goodnight. He wants to put this petty jealousy to rest and never be like this again, but his whole body just feels _stuck_. Nothing is working right, no matter how hard he tries to bend it to his will.

The urge to cry gets worse when Dean silently makes his way to his bedroom a few moments later. He doesn’t say goodnight either and that’s just as odd a thing as Castiel not saying anything. A lump rises in his throat and Castiel swallows against it. There is no way that he is going to _cry_ over this. It was a part of their agreement and he won’t cry. He _won’t_. But he will roll onto his stomach to bury his face in the pillow and try to take a few minutes to calm down.

Once he’s sure that he’s going to be fine right now, Castiel turns onto his side again. He starts counting his breaths, slowing them to match the pace of the numbers. Maybe he’ll be able to put himself to sleep this way. And, if he counts loud enough in his head, then he won’t have to think about how ridiculously jealous and childish he’s being. It made him treat Dean poorly today and Castiel will not abide by that. No one, not even him, should treat anyone – let alone _Dean_ – like that.

Come morning, Castiel is going to have to find a way to make this up to him.

*

It doesn’t happen often, but on occasion Castiel does wake before his alarm. Today is one of those days. He turns it off so it won’t ring later and gets up only to use the bathroom and brush his teeth. And then he’s right back in bed, staring at the ceiling and taking the time to plot the ways that he can apologize to Dean without actually _apologizing_ to him. As far as Dean knows, he hasn’t done anything wrong. Technically speaking, he hasn’t. He was still acting within the boundaries set by their agreement. Castiel is the one acting poorly here, but he doesn’t want to draw too much attention to it.

For all Dean knows right now, Castiel could have just been _really_ into his studies yesterday. If he apologizes outright, Dean might realize that something is wrong with him. And if he notices that, then he might try and _change_ things. Call him pessimistic, but Castiel is certain that the changes will not be ones that he likes. Thus, his planning is necessary and all of it hinges entirely upon the requirement that Sam be out of the apartment this morning. Hopefully he’ll be leaving at some point, and hopefully it will be not long after he wakes up.

Castiel is still planning things when he hears Sam wake up and start puttering around the apartment. He must have noticed that Castiel is still in bed, as he’s being quieter than he usually is. His consideration is warming, though unnecessary. But Castiel appreciates it nonetheless.

He waits until Sam is tiptoeing around in the kitchen before he says anything. “For the record, I’m awake.” Castiel still keeps his voice to a loud whispers, since Dean is still sleeping on the other side of the wall from him.

Sam pokes his head out of the kitchen entrance behind the couch. His hair has been pulled back into a small ponytail. “Did I wake you?”

“No, I’ve been awake for a while.” He shakes his head but doesn’t bother sitting up. “I just don’t feel like getting up yet.” Besides, he’s still outlining his not-an-apology apology to Dean.

“Oh, okay.” Sam gives him a sleepy smile that gets broken by a yawn. “If I’m getting too loud for you, let me know, okay?”

Castiel lifts his hand to give him a thumbs up, but otherwise doesn’t move. This is a day off for Dean and he wants to start it off better than yesterday ended. That will likely require sexual things, but there are a multitude of options and he wants to pick the best ones. Castiel might not have that much experience, but he knows a few of the things that Dean both does and doesn’t like and he’s mentally organizing them in a list of what he can get away with today.

Sam is already done with his breakfast and returned to his bedroom by the time Dean wakes up – which is oddly early for his day off. He doesn’t waste any time going straight for the shower, despite how he took one yesterday morning as well. Hopefully that just means that he likes the water pressure as much as Castiel does, and not upset about Castiel’s poor attitude yesterday.

Still, he doesn’t get up. Not when the shower finally turns off, and not when Sam comes out of his bedroom fully dressed with his bag over his shoulder. Castiel does mentally high five himself for this stroke of luck, though. This means that Sam is going out and now he’ll be able to put his plan into action. He watches Sam put on his shoes, a set of wings fluttering around in his chest. Anticipation is making him dizzy, and he feels slightly bad that he’s actually _excited_ that his friend is leaving.

“Heading to the library!” Sam cups his hand around his mouth and calls out into the apartment.

It’s a good time to do it, because that’s when Dean steps out of the bathroom fully dressed in another set of pajamas. His rare two days off in a row are usually spent being lazy around the apartment and Castiel is actually pleased to see that despite his sour mood yesterday, some things still don’t change.

As soon as Dean comes around the corner, Sam pulls the door open. “I’m going to be bringing Jess home with me after our study group is over. Y’want me to grab anything on the way home? Pizza? Chinese?”

Oh yes, the study group. Castiel had almost forgotten. Depending on how his morning goes with Dean, he might just be able to make it later this afternoon – if they’re still there, of course.

“Nah, I’m making burgers.” Dean shakes his head, sending little droplets flying from his still drying hair. He doesn’t seem to mind and even yawns as he scratches his belly. “Have fun, Sammy.” His wave is limp as he shuffles into the kitchen, clearly not as awake as his shower should have made him.

“See ya!” Sam’s wave appears to be directed at Castiel before he shuts the door.

Castiel is out of his bed a moment later. He pads across the apartment, not exactly intending to be quiet about it, but doing it all the same. The short chain over the door rattles as Castiel slips it into the lock. The sound of it isn’t covered by Dean’s cereal as it gets poured into a bowl. Dean is in the process of getting his milk from the fridge when Castiel corners him against the kitchen counter. He is determined to do everything in his power this morning to make things up to Dean, and he’ll be damned if anything is going to stop him from doing it.

Unless, of course, Dean tells him to stop. In which case his heart might break but he will absolutely back away. Dean is in every right to be mad with him for how he was acting yesterday. It was rude and (as far as Dean knows) uncalled for.

Thankfully, Dean merely looks surprised when he turns around to find Castiel in his personal space. A noise to match that look gets smothered by the kiss Castiel gives him. It’s harder than he intended, just shy of clacking their teeth together, but a part of the writhing ugly monster that’s been sitting in his chest since yesterday is immediately soothed by the simple touching of lips. If it could, that same monster would start purring when Dean opens to the kiss instead of pushing him away.

His hands find Castiel’s hips, squeezing tightly. But that’s the wrong place and it’s not really getting across exactly what Castiel wants to do right now. He fumbles slightly with grabbing Dean’s wrist, already much too focused in the slide of Dean’s tongue against his and the appreciative rumble he can feel through Dean’s chest against his own. That rumble turns into an all-out groan against his lips when Castiel moves Dean’s hands from his hips to his ass.

If _that_ doesn’t get his intentions across, then Castiel makes sure his next step does. There’s no need to rush this, but there is an anxious edge to his movements as he pushes his hands up under Dean’s old t-shirt. He’s never been this demanding or forceful with Dean before and Castiel gets a shiver of delight from it, _and_ from how pliant Dean is being. He hums a happy note when Dean squeezes his ass, practically lifting him up onto his toes in the process.

Maybe Dean is as ready for this as Castiel is? Or, at least, he hopes that he is. Castiel plans to spend the rest of the morning in Dean’s bed, giving and getting every bit of loving and more that whatever partner he had the other day will never be able to experience. And if that thought comes from the ugly, jealous monster making a home in his chest, then so be it.

*

Castiel thought he could handle it. He thought that after the first time, the second would be easier, but his second to last exam was just this past afternoon and Dean is already heading out for the night again. He even tells them not to wait up for him, winking as he stepped out the door. It looks like that bitter beast is going to be staying around for a while longer and Castiel blames it for swallowing up his words the next day again.

It should have been a onetime thing for him, but it’s not. The day that Dean comes home in the morning is almost as hard as the night before when he’s gone. Castiel can hardly look at him, let alone speak to him again. And it leaves him feeling worse by the time he goes to bed than he did when he woke up. Shouldn’t Castiel have learned his lesson the first time? He _can’t_ act like this. It’s not fair to Dean.

Certainly, it’s not fair to him that Dean is doing this, but Dean isn’t entirely in the wrong here. He doesn’t know about Castiel’s feelings. He’s doing exactly as they agreed to and Castiel is the one with the secrets. Castiel is the one being terrible and he should know better. He _does_ know better. But that monster – that spiteful, angry, ugly little thing – squeezes at his vocal chords and keeps him silent. Until the next day, that is.

The monster is calmer the day after. And again, just like the first time, Castiel tries to make it up to Dean. A small part of him hopes that, perhaps, he might be able to show Dean by doing this that he’s not only sorry for his actions the day before, that he’s also _available_. Castiel is right here, at home, and a completely viable choice for Dean to choose _him_ over the physical comforts of complete strangers. And, maybe, if they do it more often and he gets better at this – at everything – then he can be what Dean wants. He can _do_ what Dean wants.

Through doing that, Castiel might be able to learn of what he likes for himself too. This arrangement of theirs isn’t _just_ about Dean, after all. It’s about the both of them enjoying some sexual time together. And now that Dean knows Castiel was a virgin when they started, it’s also come to involve finding all the things that he likes in bed.

So far, they haven’t done much exploring in that regard. Castiel is much too focused on perfecting what he can do right now. And his exams have been a big damper on trying new things. Sam is home much too often during the exam season, but as soon as it’s done he’s going to be starting a new job soon. That means he’ll be out more often and that will give Castiel and Dean all the time they need to explore each other and their likes and dislikes.

Castiel is _really_ looking forward to that. Once his exams are done, Dean might be more likely to stay home with him. The possibility of trying new things (or teaching new things) might be more enticing to him than what little a stranger can give him.

But, of course, as is the norm in Castiel’s life right now, his hopes are once again dashed. Through the last week of his exams and even after them, he loses that little flame of optimism that Dean might eventually become exclusive with him. Those overnight trysts at the bar continue, despite Castiel’s best efforts at using his body to convince Dean that staying home is the best option.

With his exams done and a brief grace period between them and Castiel’s summer courses, he and Dean are coming together at least once per day to get off. It’s not just blow jobs either. Castiel gets the chance to finger Dean as much as Dean fingers him. And they _have_ been having sex. In Dean’s bed, in Castiel’s bed, and even in the shower.

And yet, daily orgasms with Castiel just still doesn’t seem to be enough for Dean. At least once a week Dean stays out partying with his friends and keeping someone else company for the night. Each time that it happens has Castiel getting more and more numb to the pain. He knows that he’s just going to have to forget about it. He’s going to have to accept it. Eventually, maybe. But right now he just can’t.

The vicious little monster in his chest claws at his lungs and squeezes around his heart. It steps all over his stomach and kicks his kidneys. That little jealous beast makes every single part of him hurt. The pain is there and Castiel acknowledges it, even feels it, but he does his best to ignore it. All that he can do is try to remain positive and to focus on the good things. Not only in his relationship with Dean, but in his life all together.

For example, his term is done and summer classes are going to be starting soon. That’s another notch in his belt towards graduation – even if that’s a long way off. And his Father hasn’t asked for him to come home at all this summer, so he’ll be able to stay here and focus on his classes (and on Dean, of course). His mother has been e-mailing him and she’s doing well during her visit overseas with family. She’ll be coming back some time during the summer, hopefully, as long as plans don’t change.

Those are all very good things. And then there are some silver linings to the sexual things that he’s been doing with Dean. They’ve been doing things _daily_ now and the frequency has opened up all sorts of options to trying some of the things that they’re interested in doing to each other. Granted, they haven’t done much, but that’s Castiel’s fault. He likes to perfect something before he moves on to the next – which he would like to say is the reason that he hasn’t ‘ _topped_ ’ yet.

So far, the only item on Castiel’s list that he’s actually able to try without broaching further conversations about this is rimming. And he decides that the perfect time to try that is in the middle of a sixty-nine. For this particular one, Dean is kneeling over Castiel. He’s practically laying on top of him, to be honest, but Castiel doesn’t mind. It’s a very nice feeling to have Dean’s weight on him. But this position requires that Dean be high enough for either of them to have the room necessary to do what they need to do.

Which, as it stands (so to speak), is mouthing at Dean’s sac and nosing his perineum. Castiel always gets a nice, pleased rumble out of Dean when he pushes or rubs there. He likes listening to it and feeling it vibrate through him whenever Dean groans in the middle of giving fellatio. Those happen more often whenever Castiel fingers him – much as he’s doing right now. One hand has Dean’s ass parted and the other is two fingers deep, rubbing and stretching gently in as perfect as he can get it at this angle.

The idea to try rimming strikes Castiel suddenly. He doesn’t think twice about pulling his fingers out and lifting his head to lick over Dean’s hole in one quick swipe. It occurs to him immediately afterward that he should have gotten Dean’s consent before doing that. His whole body goes still, waiting to see what the reaction to that will be. Castiel also takes that moment to quietly see if he tasted anything weird. If he did, then this will turn very awkward very fast.

Luckily, all he can taste is soap from Dean’s earlier shower, and sweat. As for Dean’s reaction, it’s nearly immediate. An encouraging groan rumbles around Castiel’s penis and he pushes back. He does it in such a way that Castiel can only think that Dean is searching for more. He _liked_ it. Excellent! So far, Castiel doesn’t mind giving it and he’s rather excited to finally get the chance to explore a new aspect to sex. This is a pleasing development and Castiel reaches up the bed to grab a pillow. He’s going to need the leverage if he’s going to do anything more right now.

Dean doesn’t seem to mind the wait. As soon as Castiel is comfortable, he returns to what he was doing before – which is very, _very_ pleasing in its own right. While Dean works his own magic tongue over Castiel’s penis, he experimentally continues to lick over and around Dean’s hole. He does it again, and again, and again. And each time, Dean pushes back against his tongue with a new and very encouraging noise muffled deep in his throat.

Silently, Castiel thanks the many helpful tips that he read up on how to properly rim someone. Most of the videos that he had found were from porn and he honestly doesn’t trust those too much. And instructional videos that were designed for it simply don’t provide adequate examples – at least not to standards where he was comfortable learning from them. Almost everything is mostly hidden by a face or an ass and he can’t exactly _see_ the tongue techniques that he was trying to learn.

Luckily, there were _plenty_ of helpful forums and articles written about it. Castiel had more reading material for this than he did on some of the subjects he took in high school. And when he has Dean coming before him for the first time in a long time, Castiel makes the mental note to sign up on one of those forums if only to thank the people who had posted there before him.

This also marks the first time that Castiel manages to make him come with his mouth but not _in_ his mouth. Granted, his hand was there and he was stroking Dean through the rimming, but he usually has Dean coming through a blow job, during sex, or while they’re essentially dry humping together. He’s never had Dean come just from some simple stroking and his tongue licking over his hole. This is one for the history books, so to speak, and Castiel is delighted with himself and with the experience.

And this was only the tip of the iceberg! He wasn’t brave enough tonight to try sticking his tongue _in_ , but there’s always next time. Tonight, he licked over it and along the edges, and he tickled it with the tip of his tongue. That was something that Dean seemed to like in particular. But he also really liked being fingered and having Castiel’s tongue running along the stretched edges. Honestly, Castiel would say that Dean seemed to like everything about that, given the way that he sags sideways before he’s even managed to get him off yet.

If Dean were still aroused, Castiel would like to think that this would lead to him finally getting to top between them. Obviously, it doesn’t. But he can see it happening on the horizon very soon. Hopefully. They don’t actually get to have sex as often as he believes Dean would like. Castiel is happy with anything, but they can only do what they know is possible given the timeframes of both their schedules and when Sam will be out of the house.

Besides that, Castiel has actually been the one on the receiving end every time. Not that he minds, of course. It’s the exact opposite and he would happily play the ‘ _bottom_ ’ if Dean had said that he has no interest in ever being anything but the ‘ _top_ ’. But that’s not the case and Castiel looks forward to the day when it will finally be his turn.

*

The keys jingle as Dean throws them across the room at Sam. “You put a scratch on Baby and –”

Sam catches them effortlessly and tucks them into the pocket of his hoodie. “I know, I know. You’ll skin me alive, or something equally gruesome.” He rolls his eyes and pulls the door open. “I know the drill. I’ll be back with Jess in, like, thirty minutes or something. Try not to kill each other while I’m gone.”

Even though Sam says it with a wink, Castiel can’t even begin to fathom where he might get the idea that they would do that. An excellent example of why that would be the furthest things from their minds is the look they give each other the moment the door closes behind Sam.

Castiel is back at the kitchen table with the reading material for his summer classes. They haven’t started up yet, but he’s reading them ahead of time to take notes on any parts that he might have questions about. It can’t hurt to get ahead for them, and it also means that he has an excuse to stay at home. And, it just so happens that home is where Dean tends to spend most of his time when he’s not busy with his shifts at the garage.

As soon as the door is closed, he looks up from his book. Dean is already getting to his feet and looking back over his shoulder. They share a look that speaks a thousand words in a glance, and it’s only confirmed by how Dean jerks his thumb over his shoulder towards Castiel’s bed. It’s one silent question that Castiel answers by putting his highlighter between the pages and standing up.

His sweater is already off by the time he reaches the bed, and Dean is right there the moment it’s over his head. Castiel would prefer more of a buildup than this – touching and kissing and ages spent simply _loving_ each other – but they have to work with their timeframe. That means doing what gets the job done quickly, and that means kisses that practically suck the air from his lungs and hands going straight to work at what they do best.

Castiel falls to the bed as carefully as he can, especially when Dean practically drops on him right after. The last thing they need is for his bed to break while Sam is away. How would they ever explain that to him and Jess when they come back? And that train of thought is thoroughly derailed as Dean settles between his legs and on top of him. He’s barely in place before his hips are rocking hard against Castiel’s. He hooks his legs around Dean for the leverage he’ll need to return the grind, but he is far more interested in the wet and insistent kiss Dean is pressing to his lips.

Regardless of where he wants them to be, Castiel’s arms wrap around Dean’s shoulders to hold him in place. He loves the feeling of having Dean on top of him and he doesn’t want that to change any time soon. No matter whether it’s when they’re making out or when they’re having sex or otherwise, Castiel wants Dean on top of him nearly always. It just opens up some a wonderful array of things for him to do, and the weight of him is a good reminder that Dean is _here_.

The moment Dean pulls away from the kisses, Castiel lifts his head to start mouthing at his neck. He noses his way to it until Dean gives in and tilts his head out of the way, giving him the space he needs. Dean’s arms are shaking slightly as he holds himself up, baring his chest to Castiel’s hands and his deft fingers as he pulls his shirt up. It gets bunched under Dean’s armpits, waiting for when he’ll actually sit back to take it off. Of course, that opens a whole new expanse of skin to Castiel’s hands and he takes full advantage of it.

Between the two of them, it’s unsurprising that Dean is the one getting hard the fastest. Castiel always takes longer, even though he is absolutely here for this one hundred percent. Maybe Dean hasn’t noticed it yet, but Castiel has been aware of the fact almost from day one that he gets more aroused by _giving_ pleasure than by receiving it. Obviously having Dean touching him and nearly worshipping him with hands and mouth arouses him, but he just likes being the one to do the touching slightly more than that. Only slightly. But it does make all the difference.

If they had more time today, Castiel would be more than happy to simply do this for – well, forever, actually. But they don’t have time to waste and he forces himself to move on. He can’t spend the rest of the day following the long memorized paths of Dean’s chest and back. That will have to be saved for another day. Today, he groans unhappily as he has to push Dean up into a sitting position to get his shirt off. It means that the comforting weight of Dean’s body is gone and it leaves Castiel feeling cold and oddly lonely, even though he’s very much not alone right now.

They encounter an unfortunate problem when it comes to their pants. They didn’t take those off before they hit the bed and hindsight is soundly kicking them both for forgetting to do so. Dean grumbles under his breath as he gets to his feet, wiggling out of them and his underwear as quickly as he can. While he’s standing, he pulls the balcony door open to get a breeze in the room. It will keep it from smelling like sex, hopefully. That’s yet another thing neither of them wants to explain to Sam and Jess.

Castiel always tries to make the best of the situation and he knows of a way to stop Dean’s grumbling right now. He sits up and reaches out to tug Dean closer by his hips. True to form, the mumbled complaints stop the moment Castiel’s lips touch his stomach. Immediately, Dean weaves his fingers into his hair, petting gently to encourage him to continue.

There’s an invisible path that Castiel always follows down his body, tongue dipping into his navel and tracing the rest of the path. Dean’s fingers tighten in his hair, more out of anticipation than anything else, probably. They both know where this path ends and Castiel might be just as excited for it as Dean is. A pleased moan even tickles the back of his throat when he finally gets his lips on Dean’s erection, not even bothering to use his hands.

It’s strange to think about how much he’s come to enjoy the weight of having Dean’s erection on his tongue; stretching his lips around it and filling his mouth with the taste of him; filling his nose with the very smell of him. All of his senses become zeroed in on Dean when he’s giving him a blow job and there is no one word to explain how wonderful that feels. Though, his favourite thing might be the sounds. Castiel adores every rumbling groan or wavering sigh he can pull out of Dean when he does this.

If Dean wasn’t fully aroused before, he most definitely is by the time he pulls Castiel to his feet so they can switch places. It’s not more than a few minutes at most, but it’s not long enough for Castiel’s liking. He frowns down at Dean for having made him stop, even while Dean unties the string of his sweatpants and pushes them down for him. It looks like Dean plans to return the favour and Castiel will not have any of that right now. He was doing something and he won’t let this stop him.

As soon as his pants are off, Castiel steps out of Dean’s reach. “I’m not done yet.”

Dean raises an eyebrow in question, but it’s at odds with the wolfish grin that takes over his lips. He doesn’t say anything, instead turning to out on the bed. Castiel’s mouth almost goes dry when Dean spreads his legs to make room for him between them. It’s a silent invitation to continue and Castiel happily complies. The only detour he takes is to kiss Dean soundly and fish out the little bottle of lube he keeps hidden under his pillow for moments just like this.

Castiel makes sure that Dean sees what he grabbed. He doesn’t want to do anything that might catch Dean by surprise. Of course, Dean simply nods and gestures with his hand for him to continue. It’s more or less a given now that Castiel will finger him while giving a blow job. The same can be said when their positions are reversed. In either case, this is a job that Castiel revels in and he gets to work right away. There are few things he loves more than the things that he does with Dean.

In a matter of minutes, Dean’s hips are squirming on the bed and his fingers are tight in Castiel’s hair. He’s all but actively whining whenever a fingertip rubs purposefully over his prostate. Of course, that might also have something to do with how Castiel’s tongue is quick and that he’s gotten much better with his gag reflex when it comes to taking Dean’s erection deeper into his mouth and throat. He takes pride in being able to make Dean’s breathing stutter every time he does this.

A loud moan accompanies Dean’s heel pressing sharply into the back of his shoulder. “Would y’just – God, Cas, either fuck me or –” He cuts off sharply with a long, drawn out groan that Castiel purposefully tried for, fighting against the urge to grin.

Oh, but he would love to have the time right now to explore what it would be like to take Dean. But they’re going to be pushing the limits of their time frame as it is and Castiel hasn’t even been dealt with yet. That’s actually a bit of his fault, really. He’s being more teasing than he should be; working Dean up only to back off before he can come. If he focused and did what he was supposed to, he could have had Dean coming already. Dean is right, of course.

There is little disappointment in that. It only takes a little work with his fingers and a long hum around Dean’s erection for him to bow his back from the bed and come across Castiel’s tongue. His free hand strokes Dean through his orgasm as he pulls back until his lips are only wrapped around the head of Dean’s penis. Castiel swallows what he can and licks up anything that escapes, cleaning Dean thoroughly before he pulls away. _That_ is the only thing disappointing about making Dean come.

The grin that Castiel had been fighting before comes to him now. He raises an eyebrow in a curious question, hoping that he did well. Castiel knows that he did, but he likes being told so in some way or another. Today, Dean is pouting and not looking at him. It’s cute and Castiel’s smile only grows as he slides his fingers out and grabs something from the floor to wipe them clean on. Dean’s legs drop to the bed again with a loud, contented sigh.

A warmth akin to liquid honey spreads through Castiel’s chest at the sight of Dean satiated and happy in _his_ bed. He can’t hold himself back from pressing a gentle kiss to his belly, just below the navel. Like magic, that little kiss has the pout melting from Dean’s face. In fact, it even gets a pleased hum and a soft tug at his shoulders. Castiel scrambles up the bed, happy to comply as Dean pulls him down to lay against him for another kiss. It’s the kind of kiss that has Dean groaning when he tastes the salty tang of himself on Castiel’s tongue.

But as much as both of them would like to spend the rest of the day kissing each other naked in bed, Castiel is still very hard and they don’t have much time left to take care of him. He had tried to speed the process along a little by stroking himself whenever his hand was free, but he wasn’t going to deny himself the joy of having Dean finish him off. That would be rude to Dean too, because Castiel knows full well that Dean takes great delight in giving as well as receiving. Maybe not to Castiel’s standards, but it’s likely very close.

He only has to rub his erection against Dean’s hip a few times before it’s his turn. Dean recovers his energy quickly after an orgasm sometimes and especially when Castiel is still unfinished. It’s just a moment’s wait to get some lube on his fingers before Dean is down the bed and his mouth is on him. Castiel sucks in a sharp breath at the wet heat that envelops his erection, eyes squeezing shut momentarily. Sometimes he forgets about just how good it feels.

Dean wastes no time in getting his fingers into Castiel as quickly as possible. He is a wizard when it comes to fingering. He knows exactly how fast to go so that he doesn’t rip anything, but it’s just fast enough that Castiel bits his lip at the small burn of stretching. It makes his erection twitch on Dean’s tongue and his hips jerk against his will, pushing just that little bit deeper into his mouth. At the moment it’s hard to recall if he ever told Dean that he likes that feeling, but Dean seems to know that regardless and it’s _amazing._ Castiel couldn’t ask for a more perfect partner than him.

Once Dean is satisfied with how worked up Castiel gets – which doesn’t take long, that’s for sure – he crawls back up the bed again. Castiel whines at the loss of Dean’s mouth, but he knows that something good must becoming now. Dean never leaves him unfinished and he always finds some way to surprise Castiel with something he likes. In this case, it’s being turned on his side so Dean can press up behind him. He lifts Castiel’s top leg, guiding it to hook back and over his.

Although Dean’s erection is softening, he still rocks his hips against Castiel’s ass. Just like the intercrural sex they’ve had before, it gives the illusion that they’re having sex – even more so once Dean’s fingers are working in him again. It’s not much of a substitute, but it’s the best they can do right now and it’s more than enough for Castiel. Dean’s other arm is even under him and curved up his chest, his hands cupping Castiel’s chin to keep his head and torso turned just enough that they can kiss through this.

The position leaves Castiel in charge of jerking himself, but he takes no issue with that. He strokes in time with the rocking of Dean’s hips and fingers, trying to match the pace. Of course, that all goes to hell when his orgasm approaches. Any rhythm he had is completely lost. Every stroke of his hand becomes desperate and uncoordinated. Dean swallows any semblance of a groan that shakes out of Castiel as his orgasm hits. He barely has the capabilities to remember to grab some tissues – a box always kept at hand when they do this – to catch the mess.

As soon as the tissues hit the floor, it’s only a matter of seconds before Dean is swinging a leg over him. He rests his whole weight against Castiel, settling comfortably between his legs without a thought the first chance that he gets. Stars still blur Castiel’s vision when Dean starts kissing him again, fully intent on taking at least a few seconds for some of the afterglow things. They’re the things that Castiel adores most of all and he’s not sure if Dean is actually aware of that. But he still sighs happily into the slow and all too gentle kisses.

They never really get the chance to indulge in these things given their schedule. Or, at least, they don’t indulge in them as often as he would like. There are times when he could happily go without the sex, as long as it means that they could lay together like this. Even the kissing wouldn’t be missed all that much. Though he certainly enjoys those. Sometimes even more than the sex. It’s really a pity that they can usually only manage a minute or two of this before they clean up to minimize any risk of Sam finding out about everything they’ve been doing.

Sometimes Castiel can’t remember why they’re hiding this from him in the first place. Whatever the real reason may be, Dean doesn’t want Sam to know and Castiel will respect his wishes. Which is why he always puts the chain over the door. That way, if Sam does try to come home unexpectedly, they’ll hear the thudding way the chain stops the door from being opened too far, and then they’ll hear Sam complaining about it. And if they happen to be in his bed when it happens, instead of Dean’s, they’ll be out of sight before Sam has the chance to put his face to it and yell at them.

It takes a few seconds past the end of that train of thought before realization strikes. With more regret than he cares for, he breaks the kiss to stare at the door and the chain that he most definitely _did not_ put into place. He looks back at Dean with an expression that probably shares a kinship with horror. “Dean, the _chain_!”

For a minute, Dean looks dumbfounded. His eyes are unfocused, still riding the high from his own orgasm or perhaps from making Castiel come. But he blinks that away as the puzzle pieces fall into place. A swear hisses between his teeth and he practically springs from the bed. Castiel frowns for too many reasons as he’s pulled to his feet. Part of him wishes that he hadn’t remembered what he forgot. Then Sam could have walked in and this whole farce would be over with.

But then the other part of him none-too-kindly reminds him that if that happens, there’s a very high chance that none of this would continue. If Sam knows, Dean might not want to have sex anymore. And if he doesn’t want that, Castiel won’t get to have slivers of intimate moments with him like he’s been so desiring since high school, or thereabouts. It’s a good thing that he remembered, but Castiel will only admit that with a grain of salt.

While Dean gets dressed where he stands, Castiel gathers his clothes and heads to the bathroom. He needs to wipe down certain areas before he can get dressed again. Castiel cleaned Dean up with his tongue and mouth after his orgasm, so he’s fine as he is. Not that he’s complaining, of course. That position Dean surprised him with was _greatly_ enjoyed.

Dean makes the bed while Castiel is in the washroom. He’s back on the couch by the time he returns to the kitchen. Endings like this always leave something to be desired. Which is why Castiel so looks forward to the days when they can devote hours to their special times alone. Those are the days when they separate from each other naturally; when it feels _right_ and not because they _need_ to. Castiel treasures those days, especially since they happen so rarely.

Jess and Sam walk in just a few minutes after Castiel starts reading again. They go straight to Sam’s room to dump all their things, since everyone makes an effort to keep the common areas of the apartment clean – especially the living room, given its connection to Castiel’s bedroom. Dean shares a relieved look with him behind their backs as they pass through the kitchen.

“Cas!” Jess wraps her arms around his shoulders and presses a kiss into his hair when she returns from Sam’s bedroom. “Put those books away! It’s movies and magic night!”

He raises an eyebrow at her. “Magic?”

“She means popcorn.” Sam laughs as he starts rooting around in the cupboard for their bags of microwaveable popcorn. “I don’t know why you’ve started calling it _magic_ , but it’s not even close.”

She frowns at him and puts her hands on her hips. “Don’t you go taking this from me! Popcorn _is_ magic, when made right. And especially if it’s tossed in that cheesy powder stuff.” Jess puts a hand to her mouth and flutters her eyelashes. “I’m drooling just thinking about it.”

Dean laughs and calls to her from the couch. “Sorry, but we don’t have the cheesy powder stuff. Will regular ol’ theater style with butter satisfy her Majesty?”

The pout that pulls out her bottom lip is so fake that even Castiel can tell. “I _guess_ so.”

Since everyone else seems to be ignoring the obvious question here, Castiel takes it upon himself to ask it. “Delicious puffed corn kernels aside, are we going to skip out on dinner entirely?”

That brings everyone to a standstill. Jess and Sam share a look between them before they look to Dean, and then Dean looks to Castiel. Everyone shrugs at least once until Dean sighs. “I don’t think we have room for ordering in on the budget.”

“We have frozen pizzas.” Castiel supplies, remembering that they barely fit in the bags when he was loading them at the grocery store.

“That’ll work!” Jess smiles brightly and pulls open the freezer. “Sammy, baby, fire up the oven. These puppies are gonna get baked like it’s four-twenty.”

Both Sam and Dean snort at the joke, but Castiel only smiles. He doesn’t get it, but he also doesn’t like having someone explain jokes like this to him. He’d rather pretend that he does and mentally file it away as something to look up later. Now would not be the best of time, since it’s going to be dinner and movies soon. Castiel starts closing and stacking his books to put aside for later. This break Sam and Jess are imposing on him is more welcomed than they might think.

He never says anything about it, but Castiel is more than a little happy to be included in things like this. Ever since he moved in with the Winchesters, there are so many close family moments that he gets to share in. Dinners and movies, games and fights, hobbies and an honest to God actual _chore list_. It’s wonderful. It feels like what a family should be and it makes him giddy to be included in it.

Once they’re all settled on the couch with two big bowls of popcorn and a couple pizzas in the oven, they start trying to pick a movie to watch. Castiel and Jess make up the ends of the couch with Sam and Dean squeezed in between them. The long couch has the room for it, but they’re still knocking elbows. It gets to the point where, while they’re trying to get comfortable together, Dean slings both of his arms across the back of the couch behind Castiel and Sam.

While Castiel gets a thrill from having Dean’s arm somewhat around him, Sam apparently isn’t as pleased. He shoots a dirty look at Dean and gets answered with a shrug. “It’s more comfortable this way, Sam. Just keep it cool. It’s not like I’m making a move on you or anything.” After a brief pause, Dean turns and winks at Castiel. “ _You_ on the other hand…”

It’s supposed to be a joke, and everyone does laugh, but Castiel can feel a blush starting to creep up the back of his neck. Flirtations are hard for him to grasp at the best of times, but Dean making any kind of ‘ _pass_ ’ at him always brings out a blush in him. He needs to distract from it before someone notices and Castiel has to dig for his wit. There’s something he can say here, but what? Oh!

Castiel waits for the laughter to die down before he puts his hand on Dean’s knee and leans in closer. With some effort, he forces his voice into a teasing tone. It’s one that he more or less learned from Gabriel. “Only if you think you can handle me.”

So, it’s not _that_ funny. But it’s the best he can come up with on short notice. Either way, it has everyone laughing again – including Dean. He still flashes a smile and another wink at Castiel. It’s one that he’s pretty sure is supposed to be read as; “You know I can.” In a bold move, Castiel winks too. He doesn’t particularly mean anything by it, but he likes how it makes Dean’s grin grow wider.

When the laughter finally dies, they settle on a movie from Netflix. The pizza should be done soon, but no one seems to pay that any mind. Castiel regretfully takes his hand from Dean’s knee. He wishes that he could have left it there. It was comfortable to have it there, and now it feels awkward to have it folded in his lap with his other hand. But not more than a moment later, Dean’s arm slowly slips from the back of the couch to rest completely across Castiel’s shoulders. Neither Sam nor Jess seem to notice.

Nobody really notices either when Castiel leans just a little more into Dean’s side. Of course, Dean notices. He gives Castiel’s shoulders a little squeeze and a light smile stays permanently fixed on his face while they watch the opening credits of the movie. It’s impossible for Castiel to keep the same smile off of his own lips.

Moments like this one are kindling to the little fire of hope that sits in his chest. Sometimes the ugly monster that lives within him tries to put it out, but then there’s always things like this to build it back up again. Maybe one day that fire will become an inferno. When hope is no longer just hope but an actual reality. When what he and Dean share might one day become _more_. If that day should ever come, Castiel is greatly looking forward to it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warnings_ :
>
>> \- Fingering  
> \- Blowjob(s)  
> \- Rimming


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Dean, stop being an overprotective baby.” She points at him but fails to keep a serious expression, instead breaking into a wide grin. “You go to bed at an appropriate time and let Cas party his pants off. He’ll be fine. He’s a big boy now.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **There are no warnings for this chapter.**
> 
> This chapter takes place during [Chapter Seven](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4284210) of the A Little Patience story line.

There are plenty of conversations and shenanigans that Castiel has walked in on when returning to the apartment. His favourite so far has been when Jess and Sam were seeing who could balance an egg on their head the longest. They both failed rather quickly, but at least he got to see the spectacular ending to it. It had been messy, but oh so worth it just for the laughter it brought from everyone involved. More so when Castiel picked up another egg and out balanced them all by a good five minutes.

However, any hijinks that occur in the apartment are usually involving more than one person. Today Castiel walks into a storm of swearing pouring from the kitchen. It’s Dean, obviously. Sam isn’t often one for swearing _that_ much. He’s also at work for another hour, so Dean really is the only logical person it could be. And of course Castiel would recognize his voice no matter the situation.

Something bangs against the wall while Castiel quietly shuts the door and toes off his shoes. There’s shuffling and grunting and a plethora of creative word combinations that he’s fairly certain he’s never heard before. Curiosity abounds and Castiel drops his Taekwondo bag and coat over the back of the couch without much care. He’ll tend to them _after_ he finds out what Dean’s doing in the kitchen. Thus far, his first guess is that Dean is wrestling with a mime.

Unsurprisingly (though somewhat disappointingly), there is no mime. Dean is, however, apparently wrestling a whiteboard that must be roughly five feet by three feet – from what Castiel can tell at first glance. A portion of it is actually cork board. The whiteboard half looks like it has lines of tape all over it in a layout that looks a lot like a calendar. There’s even an attached cup and tray, where Castiel assumes markers and pushpins are supposed to be kept.

He has no idea why Dean is trying to put this up, but that matters far less than why Dean would be doing it alone. It’s much too dangerous for him to be attempting to juggle both the whiteboard and a power screw driver.

Castiel watches him struggle to hold the whiteboard in place for another moment before clearing his throat. "Would you like a helping hand, Dean?"

"I got this." Dean's hisses between his teeth as his face grows steadily redder. Either it's embarrassment or frustration. But in any case, Castiel finds it rather adorable.

"I was under the impression that things like these have hooks." At least, the one that Gabriel put up for him back in his old bedroom did. But that was significantly smaller. "Wouldn't it make sense to do those prior to attempting to put this up?"

That earns Castiel a narrow-eyed frown. "No, Cas. That didn't occur to me _at all_." Dean steps back from the wall and lowers the board to the ground. "But I want to drill this bitch into the wall so no one can knock it the fuck down by accidentally brushing against it or some shit."

Though that does make sense, Castiel does have a question regarding that. "But won't that put some sizeable holes in the wall? Will that void your security deposit on the apartment?"

"If I don't fix it before we leave, yeah." Dean shrugs and turns his glare from Castiel back to the wall. "But give me twenty minutes and I could fix it with some shit from Bobby's and the building manager wouldn't have a clue about it."

Castiel has to fight not to smile at that. It always marvels him at how handy Dean is. Is there nothing he can't build or fix himself? If a pipe burst, would Dean know how to fix it? It's admirable and Castiel feels a warm spot of pride in his chest for all the skills his best friend has. He'll never admit to it, but he has absolutely spoken to members of his Taekwondo dojang about how amazing he finds Dean to be. Hopefully it didn't come across as gushing about his crush. Nobody has mentioned it, so he believes that he's safe in regards to that.

That aside, there is another pressing question that needs to be asked now. "If I may – how do you plan to fix it to the wall and hold it in place at the same time? It's rather large and you seem to be having some difficulty with it."

"I've got this." Dean huffs and picks the board up again. He uses his thigh to balance it at the height he wants, but it wobbles dangerously.

Regardless of what Dean said, Castiel steps into place next to him. Immediately, Dean sighs and hangs his head. He still gives Castiel a grateful smile as he helps lift and hold the whiteboard in place. The temptation to say ' _told you_ ' is great, but Castiel resists it in favour of focusing on not moving as Dean puts a screw in each corner of the board. Once it has been secured in place, they both step back to admire it's placement. Surprisingly, it actually looks level.

After a moment of silence, Dean makes a soft admission. "It didn't come with hooks."

Castiel looks to him, an eyebrow raised. "It didn't?"

He shakes his head and rubs a hand over the back of his neck.  "I got this thing for, like, five bucks from the junk store. So, I'm making do with what I've got. Plus, I'm pretty sure Sam would brush against this when he's whirl-winding through here in the morning and knock it down and scare the shit out of everybody in the building."

That would be very possible. Castiel nods in agreement and looks back to the board, admiring it. For being second hand, it's in surprisingly good shape. "Are you a bargain shopper, Dean?"

With a sharp laugh, Dean turns away to pack up the drill. "Would it surprise you to hear that my entire bedroom set is second hand too? That desk was in pretty rough shape before I took a sander and a can of paint to it."

To be honest, Castiel isn't surprised at all. "I'm more surprised that you didn't build it all by yourself." He did such a good job on Castiel's bed, and that was all from scrap wood from Bobby's home, apparently. "But I already knew that you're a smart shopper." Dean always includes coupons with the grocery list and he knows when all the big sale days are. "And I've been told that second hand things can often be of better quality than fresh from the store, if you know what to look for and you're willing to put a little work into it."

Of course, Castiel has never hand anything from a second hand store before. At least, not to his knowledge. He's heard plenty of things about stores like that from Gabriel. Things were rather rough for him for a while when Father nearly disowned him for deciding to pursue a different career path than what had been chosen for him. Mother tried to help as best as she could, but there's only so much she could do when Father is being a hard headed bastard about things.

A bright smile fills Dean's face as he turns to Castiel again. " _Exactly_. Those shops only sell the stuff that ain't complete shit. And anything else I can just fix up. Bobby has a sweet shop behind his house. Once I get my hands on something, I can make it better than new in under a week."

"Like my bed?" Castiel offers. That was built from scratch, to his knowledge, but he'll take every excuse to praise Dean for it. A lovely blush always rises in Dean's cheeks when he does.

Sure enough, a light flush turns Dean's face pink as he ducks his head and shrug. "Yeah, sort of. Though that thing was a work of genius and we're just lucky that Bobby had most of the stuff that I needed to put it together."

"It was." He fights to keep his smiling from getting too large. "And I like my bed very much. Thank you for the hard work you put into it. And this." Castiel tilts his head towards the whiteboard.

The blush doesn't diminish, but Dean stares at him blankly long enough for Castiel to be worried about it. Was it something he said? All he did was compliment Dean. It was completely sincere, even if it was partly because Castiel likes seeing him blush. He quickly runs a list through his head of all the things that could result in this kind of reaction from Dean. Nothing seems to fit the situation and that is worrying too. Is his knowledge of Dean's behaviours lacking?

Castiel is ready to ask what's wrong, but Dean moves in the same moment that he opens his mouth. The mental list goes straight in his mental trash bin when Dean steps forward to wrap him in a tight hug. Without thinking, Castiel melts into it. He leans into Dean and he's not surprised by the kiss that follows. Nothing about this surprises him, but it's brilliant nonetheless. He hums happily into it and curls his fingers in Dean's shirt, holding on for dear life as he opens to the gentle slide of a tongue against his lips.

When Dean starts shuffling him backwards, Castiel goes willingly. He ends up with his back pressed against the whiteboard, thankfully missing the little tray and cup. Those would have been annoyingly painful against his back. It might have even broken up the kiss and that would have been an outright travesty if it had.

There are plenty of times where Dean has kissed Castiel against a while. This is, quite possibly, the tamest moment out of all of them. Of course, he's not complaining. Castiel would happily kiss Dean everywhere and anywhere for the rest of eternity if it was asked of him. For him, the intimacy of a long, slow kiss far outweighs any of the quick sexual escapades that he and Dean have snapped up when available to them. Castiel loves them and he wishes he could have moments like this more often.

When the kiss breaks, Castiel mourns its end. That feeling is short lived as Dean graces him with a small smile as he rests their foreheads together. "That was part _welcome home_ and part _thank you_."

"Mhmm." Castiel hums softly and closes his eyes. This moment is nearly perfect and he wants to frame it in his memories.

Dean gives a soft laugh, the breath of it puffing against Castiel's lips. "You didn't even ask _why_ I put this thing up. I'm shocked, Curious George. You had so many questions before that."

He hums again, far too satisfied right now to find his words. If Dean is going to tell him, he'll do it regardless of whether or not Castiel asks him.

Sure enough, Dean explains it right away. "Schedules." He's close enough that Castiel can feel his smile. "My work, Sam's work, any basketball practices if he's still doing that, and your summer classes. I wanted a place for us to put it all up so we know who is where and everything. It makes planning things easier for all of us, right?"

It's certainly a good idea, but Castiel still opens his eyes. A sly smile slips over his lips. "To plan things like when we're going to have sex?" There are plenty of other reasons to use it too, but this is the most glaringly obvious reason that Castiel can see. Anticipation and hope unfold themselves in his chest, like rushing light rolling around by his ribs. If that really is the case, does that mean they're going to be doing it more often? And if they are, does that mean Dean's planning to be _here_ instead of going out?

Dean rolls his eyes, but he does nod in agreement. "Yeah, that too. But we're not going to put _that_ on the board. Can you imagine what Sam would say about that?"

"Don't forget Jess. She'd see it too and they'd never let the matter drop until we explained it."

The imagined situation has them both laughing softly. Castiel ends that for them both by tilting his head to kiss Dean again. It's just short and sweet, but he still has to fight himself to pull away from it again to say what he has to say. "On that train of thought, I happen to know that Jess has talked Sam into going straight from work to the park to hang out with a group of their friends. She said they weren't going to be back until dinner time."

Castiel had been invited to it, of course, but he had declined. They started gathering before his Taekwondo class had even finished. Sam will be heading to it late, and Castiel _could_ have gone, but he didn't really want to. After his class ended, he had to come home to shower. If he was going, he'd need to find transport to the park. It's not _that_ far, but it would take him a minimum of thirty minutes to walk to it, which would negate the purpose of his shower in the end.

By the time Castiel would have gotten there, he likely would have missed half the activities that they were planning. Besides, he has summer classes to get prepared for. And, if pressed, he might admit that he was somewhat hoping that having Sam out of the apartment all afternoon would me that he and Dean could have some much craved for private time with Dean. It's one of the few times that he can pretend that he and Dean are actually _together_ , even if just for a little while.

There are practically stars in Dean's eyes at this new tidbit of information. A grin spreads across his lips and a matching one slips across Castiel's lips. Unfortunately, he's going to need to put that off for another few minutes yet. "But, I would like to shower first."

That does nothing to impede the lecherous look Dean gives him. "How about taking a shower _during_?"

Oh, yes. How could Castiel have ever forgotten that? In all the forums that he's been reading through to try and find ideas for his sex life with Dean, there are few things more complained about than the difficulty of shower sex. Many claim that it's great in theory but not so much in practice, and Castiel has yet to figure out why. He and Dean have had no trouble maneuvering in the tub when they shower together and things take a steamy turn.

If Castiel went by what the internet says, then apparently it's a miracle that neither one of them loses their footing or gets water up their nose or in their eyes during the heat of the moment. The lack of slippage should be attributed to Castiel's exquisite balance, his flexibility, and the adhesive stickers on the bottom of the tub that provide traction. If everyone had those, then maybe they wouldn't have disastrous accidents while trying to have sex in the shower.

Dean likes to claim that it's because Castiel is somehow gifted in that the doesn't mind having a leg up while he's being bent over to brace his hands on the lip of the tub – or similar. In either case, Castiel has enjoyed all the various positions that they've tried in the shower. They are limited by the fact that they're vertical and the tub is much too small for two grown men to get horizontal.

Thinking about it fuels Castiel's desire for it. He leans in to kiss Dean again and whispers against his lips. "I could be persuaded."

"Fuck _yes_." A groan rumbles between them.

He takes far too much joy in groping Castiel's ass as they make their way to the bathroom. Of course, Castiel doesn’t mind and he gives back as good as he gets. This has yet to be anything _but_ fun, and he doesn't doubt that it's because he'll be doing it with Dean.

*

The whiteboard squeaks while Castiel writes on it, adding a few library based study sessions so he can utilize the resources there for some of his classes. He hasn't looked at the board since he added his schedule to it the first time. It catches him by surprise when he spots the orange writing underneath the green of his Taekwondo tournament next weekend. And there's even more orange for the weekend after that, and this is all news to him.

Sam was the one who came up with the idea that each of them have their own colour to write with. The moment he'd suggested that, Dean had all but thrown the blue marker at Castiel. He took the green one for himself, and Sam had hummed and hawed over the remaining options until he finally settled on red. It was a collective agreement between all of them that the orange marker would be the colour for events that would include all three of them.

Jess had come in later and claimed purple for herself, though she hasn't done anything but draw hearts on days with Sam's writing and penises on Dean's. Those are nothing more than smudges now. It had been an interesting wrestle match between her and Dean to try and get her to stop.

But this orange writing, it's _new_. And it arouses Castiel's curiosity. "Dean?"

There's a rustle of newspaper behind him. "Yeah?"

"According to this calendar, apparently I'm now a part of this LARPing thing of yours both next weekend and the one after." He glances over his shoulder, eyebrow raised. "I barely know what this is and I'm sure I'd remember if I had agreed to it. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you?"

Dean has mentioned LARPing before, but mostly in passing while he's talking about his new friend; Charlie. He's never gone into actual detail about it and Castel has refrained from searching the internet for information. If he's going to learn about one of Dean's hobbies, he'd like it to be straight from Dean. It makes conversations more fun that way. All he knows is that requires sessions and shopping for supplies and it's done with a large group of people.

The silence behind him is telling. Sure enough, there's red in Dean's ears and he's got his head ducked down with the newspaper held up too high. He even flinches when Castiel clears his throat and calls his name again.

Slowly, Dean turns in his chair to glance at him. "D'you promise not to make fun of me?"

Castiel puts the cap on his marker and turns around fully, as serious as he's ever been. "I would never."

A pout pushes out Dean's bottom lip. " _Sam_ did."

"He's your little brother." He points at Dean with his marker to accentuate his position. "Sam is contractually obligated to make fun of you for practically everything."

"Point." Dean laughs and shakes his head. "Okay, LARP stands for Live Action Roleplaying."

Well, that was unexpected. Castiel turns to look back at how Dean has written that over a _whole weekend_. The limits of his own knowledge regarding roleplaying is in a reference to sex. He's read about it on many forums and informational sites. But this ' _live action_ ' part is new to him. How does that change what roleplaying is? This has stumped him and he turns around to ask Dean about it, the question already balancing on the tip of his tongue.

Dean beats him to it. "LARPing means that we dress up in medieval gear and act out a fantasy world in a park. We set up tents and spend a weekend beating each other with foam swords while Charlie commands us as our Queen during a mock war between us and another ' _kingdom_ ' we meet up with."

Oh. Well that's not what he was expecting at all. "That sounds interesting."

"It's like an upgraded version of dungeons and dragons, kinda." Dean shrugs and drops half his paper in favour of rubbing his hand over the back of his neck. "I mean we don't have actual dragons or magic spells or anything. But I liked what I've seen when I went with Charlie so I wanna give it a try."

It’s hard not to grin. Dean is being very cute right now. Castiel finds it endearing with how embarrassed  he is now that he apparently has a hobby. And he’s happy to apparently be a part of it now. “Is that why we seem to be scheduled to go shopping for LARP things after the dinner we’re having after my competition next weekend?”

Dean actually blushes right through his ears and across the back of his neck. He clears his throat and lifts the newspaper again, as if that will do any good at hiding him from view considering his back is to Castiel. “Yeah, I guess. I – uh – gotta buy some stuff for it.”

“And you need _us_ to go with you?” Castiel steps up  behind Dean’s chair and gently rests his hands on Dean’s shoulders. “Do you need us to hold your shopping bags?”

That earns him a small laugh. “Or, maybe you guys could buy some stuff for yourselves too?” He looks over his shoulder, eyes wide and hopeful and melting Castiel’s heart.

He gives Dean’s shoulders a squeeze and leans down to hug him. “Are you asking us to join you in your fantasy world, Dean?”

Castiel can practically feel the heat coming off of Dean’s cheeks. “Maybe? I mean, if you guys think it’s interesting or whatever.” He shrugs and tilts his head to bump against Castiel’s temple. “There’s a LARP event the weekend after and maybe you guys could come along? Just to see if it’s something you like?” Dean folds his newspaper slowly. “If you don’t like it, then at least you have an outfit for Halloween, right? Or I’ll get one of the other LARPers to buy it off you, or –”

Dean is rambling and it is much too cute for Castiel to resist. He can’t stop himself from laughing quietly as he takes the paper away and sets it aside. The motion brings Dean to a short stop and he looks up at Castiel; part curious, part hopeful. Without needing to be asked, Dean pushes away from the table just enough to make space for Castiel to straddle his lap.

“You don’t need to worry about it, Dean.” He murmurs, leaning forward until their foreheads bump. “I would be more than happy to come with you.”

When Dean grins, Castiel feels it more than he sees it. “You’re always happy to _come_ with me, Cas.”

The hope turns into a leer and Castiel rolls his eyes as Dean pulls him into a kiss. Kisses from Dean always make him happy. However, today he happens to be more delighted than usual as they make out in the kitchen. Dean _wants_ him to be included in the things he likes. He wants Castiel around to share in the things that make him happy and that – well, that is just a deliriously good feeling.

Castiel sincerely hopes that he’s likes this LARPing thing. If he can, he really would like to be included in all aspects of Dean’s life – that he can legally be a part of. But it’s another year and a half until he’ll be old enough to accompany Dean to the bar. Who knows what’s going to change by then? For now, Castiel will take what he can get – and in this case, that’s LARPing. And hopefully more things will open to him in the future.

*

“Are you _sure_ that you don’t want me to pick you up afterwards?”

It’s likely about the fifth time that Dean has asked that, but Castiel doesn’t find it annoying in the least. In fact, judging by the annoyed huff from the couch, it’s Sam and Jess who find Dean’s concern to be irritating. At this point, Castiel just finds it endearing. In fact, he might be dragging his heels at getting ready just so he can be around for Dean insistence at being the one to bring him home later. He absolutely will not accept the offer, but he does really like hearing it.

“I can’t ask you to pick me up, Dean.” Castiel explains for the umpteenth time, if only because it gets weird if he doesn’t responds to him. “I don’t know how late the dinner is going to go. I think they usually stay until the restaurant closes, but I’m not completely sure. This is the first time that I’m going to be staying for the whole party.”

He’s never really had the opportunity for it before and it’s like the stars have aligned for him to be able to stay the entire time tonight. It won’t be the first pre-competition party that he’s been to, but it will be the first that he doesn’t leave it halfway through due to ride availability or having plans the next morning. Truthfully, Castiel has never really been one for parties before, or rather, he’s never really been _invited_ to a proper party before. This is one of the few chances he has ever had to attend one from start to finish and he’d like the experience at least. This way he’ll at least know if he’s someone who does or doesn’t like to go to events like this.

“Okay, but when does the restaurant close?”

“I don’t know. Don’t most restaurants close around one a.m.?” Castiel shrugs as he flips through his wallet to make sure that he has enough cash for tonight. He’s going to leave his cards here for the night to make sure that he doesn’t get tempted to offer to buy others food or drink. He tucks those underneath the rolled balls that make up his socks.

When Castiel stands up after closing the drawer under his bed, he finds that Dean has taken to stand in the entrance to the kitchen. He looks like he’s just shy of starting to pace the room. Dean frowns and looks away as opposed to meeting Castiel’s eyes. “Whatever. I could still pick you up.”

“But you should be asleep by then, Dean.” He’s smiling when he shouldn’t be, but Dean’s stubbornness and willing to help are far too adorable to resist. “I believe that you said you have work in the morning, didn’t you?” And Castiel is positive that he saw that written on the board in the kitchen anyways.

Dean wrinkles his nose. “Yeah, but –”

“Dean.” Just saying his name calmly is enough to make him stop. Castiel passes him. It’s hard for him not to melt when he sees the pout Dean is trying so hard to avoid. “I have a ride both to and from the dinner already. Hannah will be here soon to pick me up and she said she doesn’t mind going out of her way to drop me off tonight too.”

Castiel is fairly certain that it’s his mind playing tricks on him now. There’s no reason for Dean’s eyes to narrow fractionally. Even if he _did_ do that, what would be the reason for it? Certainly Castiel has never mentioned anything about Hannah before, but there’s never been a need for it. She’s one of the other black belts at his dojang and one of Castiel’s favourite sparring partners – primarily because their skills are on par enough that he still feels challenged while sparring with her, but he doesn’t feel outclassed.

“If it’s going to be out of her way, then I should –”

“It’ll be even _more_ out of the way for you, Dean.”

The reminder is enough to make Dean stick his tongue out at him. Castiel does his best to ignore it while getting his coat out of the closet. If Jess and Sam weren’t sitting on the couch _right there_ he might have lost all manner of composure and cancelled his ride with Hannah. If they weren’t here, he’d be kissing that cute pout from Dean’s lips. And then they could spend the evening doing all manner of things and – and goodness, Castiel’s thoughts are taking a turn that they don’t usually do. He’ll attribute that to the fact that he and Dean haven’t been able to steal even so much as a kiss for the last few days.

Once again, that would be because of Sam and Jess. Castiel loves his friends dearly, but he can’t do anything with Dean when they’re around all the time. Usually they aren’t and they tend to spend more time at Jess’s apartment, but one of her roommates has had the flu and everyone has apparently quarantined her there for the time being. Castiel hopes she feels better soon. He really would like his private time with Dean back – especially before Dean decides to start going to the bar again.

Castiel has absolutely noticed that the number of times Dean goes to the bar has greatly diminished since his exams. It’s been almost two weeks since Dean went out with his friends to the bar. That’s a big change in his habits, as far as Castiel can remember and he is _very_ familiar with Dean’s habits. Of course he’s not going to point that out to anyone. If he draws attention to it, Dean might go back again. Castiel would much prefer that he go LARPing with Charlie than to the bar with any of his other friends.

“I just think it’s dumb that you didn’t ask me for a ride, is all.” Dean mumbles as he crosses his arms and leans against the wall. “It’s not like I had any plans or anything. I could’ve driven you.”

With a sigh, Castiel rolls his eyes and looks over his shoulder at the two on the couch. “Sam, please tell Dean that he’s being irrational.” He looks back to Dean pointedly. “And please tell him that he should be _sleeping_ by the time I return tonight?” It’ll be late and the last thing Castiel wants to do is be the cause of Dean being tired at work the next day. Especially since Dean could hurt himself if he’s not acutely aware of what he’s doing when he’s under a car.

Sam sighs loudly, clearly irritable. “I can’t tell Dean anything. I’m _reading_. Jess, you do it.”

The sound of Jess’s typing pauses for just a moment. When Castiel looks, she’s turned around on the couch to stare at them both. She doesn’t look remotely annoyed. If anything, Jess looks amused. And that is rarely a good sign.

“Dean, stop being an overprotective baby.” She points at him but fails to keep a serious expression, instead breaking into a wide grin. “You go to bed at an appropriate time and let Cas party his pants off. He’ll be fine. He’s a big boy now.”

At that point, Dean’s eyes _definitely_ narrow and his glare amplifies in power. This time, it’s specifically directed at Jess. Castiel is caught between the urge to laugh and the need to act like he’s as annoyed by this as he’s supposed to be. He elects, instead, for a sarcastic reply that falls somewhere in between both options.

“As tempting as that might be, I’m fairly certain my pants will most definitely be staying _on_ , thank you.” Castiel actually can’t imagine any situation where they would be coming off tonight. Not unless Dean really does pick him up afterwards and they end up doing something in the car before coming home. And that is just as unlikely because Dean won’t be picking him up unless something completely unexpected happens.

Jess huffs a half-laugh and raises her eyebrows at him. “You should live a little, Cas. You might like it.”

“I’m going to be staying at a party for the entire thing. I _am_ living a little.” In fact, Gabriel had actually been rather proud of him when Castiel told him that. Proud to the point that he tried to convince him to stop by the café before the party so he could pick up a pack of condoms. Needless to say, Castiel turned his offer down.

“Point.” Jess’s half-laugh becomes a full one and she moves her laptop so she can turn around completely on the couch. On her knees now, she gestures for Castiel to come closer. Which turns into a gesture for him to lean over. He gets a kiss to the forehead for his troubles.

She cups his face to squish his cheeks together as she would a child. “Party safe, Cas. If you end up in jail, I’ve got bail money and Dean can sell the Impala if he has to.”

“Bite your fucking _tongue_.” Dean hisses behind him, clearly scandalized by the mere thought of giving up his precious car.

Castiel doesn’t fault him for it, though. The Impala is a precious memento of Dean’s parents. He would never ask Dean to give it up just to get him out of jail. There would be no need for it considering his own savings account _and_ Father would likely hemorrhage money trying to cover this up. He would get Castiel out of jail and then pay everyone in the known universe to never mention that one of _his_ sons was ever in some place as low as _jail_.

Regardless, Castiel sighs and shakes his head. He smiles down at her. “Thank you. I will do my utmost to stay out of trouble.”

“Was that sarcasm?” She raises an eyebrow, her smile growing to nearly dangerous levels. “Are you learning? Did you just try and _sass_ me?”

He honestly doesn’t know and he chooses to answer with a shrug instead. Luckily, Castiel is saved from actually having to use words by the fact that his phone starts beeping from his pocket. Dean’s frown hasn’t changed any when Castiel fishes it out to find a message from Hannah.

“She’s here.” Damn. Castiel had hoped to be downstairs and waiting for her already. He pulls his shoes on quickly, fumbling with the laces. “I’ll be back later and I promise that I’ll try to be quiet so I don’t wake any of you.”

“Appreciated.” Sam still doesn’t look up from his book. It must be a very good story and Castiel makes a mental note to ask if he can borrow it when Sam is done.

Dean’s frown finally eases slightly, but it only devolves into another pout. “Have fun, Cas.” At least he sounds sincere when he sees Castiel out the door with a wave.

Hopefully tonight will be fun. Everyone else is old enough to drink, but with Hannah as his ride home, Castiel is glad to know that he won’t be the only sober one there. And considering how he was the one time that he drank with Dean and his friends, Castiel won’t drink anything alcoholic that anyone might try to sneak him at the restaurant. He doesn’t want to accidentally start getting flirty with anyone – which is apparently what he does when he drinks.

Castiel shakes those thoughts out of his head as he all but runs down the stairs to the lobby. It won’t do to start his night with worries. He’s going out to have _fun_ and spend some time with his other friends. As much as he cares for Dean, he can’t let his entire life revolve around him. So tonight is going to be focused on his friends from the dojang and nothing else. And it’s going to be _fun_.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kali’s hand moves to his shoulder to give it a squeeze. “Don’t be like that, Castiel. We’re here for you if you ever need us. No matter what. Family looks out for each other.” She gives him a little tug and Castiel leans over just enough for her to press a kiss to his cheek. “You’re welcome to come over whenever you want. Don’t be such a stranger, okay? Gabriel misses you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter content warnings are at the end of chapter. Please click the link below to see them.**
> 
> This chapter takes place during [Chapter Seven](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4284210) of the A Little Patience story line.

Hannah is, apparently, a giggly drunk. And she also has absolutely no sense of personal space after kicking the night off with doing shots _before_ anyone has had anything to eat. Castiel didn’t raise any issues after she took that first shot, as they still had hours to go before she was supposed to drive him home and she _swore_ that she wouldn’t drink anything else. He was a fool for believing her – and he blames himself for not keeping better tabs on her throughout the night.

If he _had_ paid attention, instead of getting drawn into a long conversation about philosophy with Uriel – another black belt, then perhaps his night would be ending differently right now. He likely would be on his way home instead of helping Uriel load a giggling, swaying Hannah into the back of a taxi. At least _someone_ seems happy tonight, judging by how she can’t stop laughing.

Uriel climbs in next to her, the third person in the taxi. He rolls the window down after Castiel shuts the door behind him. “Aren’t you coming?”

“I’m in the opposite direction.” Castiel sighs and looks toward _his_ side of the city. “Hannah promised she would drive me. Since she’s in no condition to do so, I’ll find my own way home.”

“Are you sure?” Uriel frowns and gestures at the front seat of the taxi. “We’ve got room. We’ll all pay properly. You don’t have to -”

He shakes his head again and takes a few steps back from the curb. “Don’t worry. I’ll be fine.” There are a variety of options open to him. “Go on. I’ll see you next weekend at the competition. Please make sure that Hannah gets home safely.”

Although Uriel doesn’t seem too convinced, he does nod and sits back. Castiel waves after them as the taxi leaves, turning at the corner. With the last of them gone, that leaves Castiel standing alone in front of the restaurant. The lights in the entrance have already been turned off and the door was locked behind them when they left. He can see the workers cleaning up the portion of the dining room that their party had been occupying.

Castiel looks up and down the street. How is he going to get home? He turns his cell phone over in his hand, deep in the pocket of his coat. He could always call a taxi of his own, but he doesn’t have nearly enough money to get home. There’s a bus stop at the corner, but does he have enough change for it? Castiel honestly isn’t sure. Do the busses even run after one A.M.? What kind of people will be riding it with him? What about the route and how long would it take to get home that way? Hours? He doesn’t even know which busses to take home and he’s not very familiar with the website for it.

At this point, he’s rather tempted to call Dean for help. After all, Dean _did_ say that if Castiel needed a ride, all he had to do was let him know. But it’s also very late and Dean has work in the morning. He should be sleeping right now. Can Castiel, in good conscious, wake Dean up and have him drive halfway across the city to pick him up and then drive all the way back? It would be at least an hour’s worth of driving and probably a good hour and a half or more before Dean could get back to sleep.

No, he can’t. Dean needs his sleep. And he was so adamant that Dean not drive him in the first place that it would be hypocritical of him to call now. Not to mention how Dean didn’t text him _at all_ throughout the entirety of the evening. Which is unusual in its own right. Even when Dean is the one out and about in the evening, he still texted Castiel random things that came to mind or to check on how he was doing on his own or with Sam.

So, this is rather odd. Is Dean angry with him because of their disagreement over this earlier? But why would he be? This is - it’s unsettling. And it’s a point in favour of calling him. Would Dean be happy with that? He wanted to be helpful and he would at that. But - No. Castiel already decided against that. He can take care of himself without having Dean do everything for him. All he needs to do is just - he just needs to figure things out from here.

And that means using his phone. Thankfully, it still has plenty of battery life left. Castiel pulls up a map if only to familiarize himself with the area. After studying it for a few minutes, a few of the street names start to jump out at him. They’re familiar to him - but why? He chews his lip and squints at them until it hits him - Gabriel and Kali! They live not more than ten minutes from here. By car, at least. Between Gabriel and Dean, Castiel doesn’t mind waking his brother up. He might even be awake, given that it’s a Saturday night and all.

That is why he starts with sending text messages. Over the course of ten minutes, he sends a total of three messages. None of them get answered. Without a second thought, Castiel dials Gabriel’s number and hits the call button. It rings out and goes to voicemail. He tries again.

By the fourth ring, the line picks up and Castiel can hear muffled swearing before Gabriel’s sleepy voice becomes more distinct. “Cassie, _what_?”

Oh dear. Apparently Castiel has disturbed him. “Are you sleeping?” He does feel genuinely bad for waking him, but at the same time Castiel gets a delighted kick out of bothering his big brother.

“I _was_.” Gabriel groans and  Castiel feels only a smidgen worse for having woken him.

In the background, another muffled voice can be heard. “Gabriel, who is it?” And now Castiel feels truly bad because he also apparently woke up Kali.

WIth a laugh that’s half annoyed and half fond, Gabriel’s voice gets a little distant - as if he turned his head away from the receiver. “It’s the one person who doesn’t pay me who has the balls to call me in the middle of the night.”

“Oh.” Kali yawns. “Is Castiel okay? He doesn’t usually call this late.”

There’s a brief pause before Gabriel speaks again, and this time he carries a note of concern. “Cassie, what’s wrong? Did that dick finally get sick of you and kick you out on the street?”

Any amusement Castiel might have been feeling at this time is quickly lost. He _hates_ it when Gabriel insults Dean in some way, shape, or form. “I’m certain that I have no idea to whom you are referring.” His tone drops into one akin to ice. Sleepy or not, Gabriel has no right to be mean to Dean.

“I’m joking, Cassie.” At least he _somewhat_ sounds contrite, thought Castiel sincerely doubts that he is.

“Jokes are generally funny, Gabriel. That wasn’t.”

He groans and takes on a whining tone. “I can’t be funny on short notice like this. You’ve gotta give me time to _prepare_ , Cassie.”

“In any case, I would prefer if you _didn’t_ insult my friends.” Castiel would cross his arms and glare at him were they not speaking over the phone. “I don’t know how many times I need to say this before that gets through to you.”

“We’re getting away from the point of this phone call.” He’s quick with his words, obviously trying to get away before he fully finds himself in Castiel’s bad books. “Could’ja get to that any time soon, pretty please?”

Castiel sighs and rubs a hand over his face. He _is_ rather tired and he would like to go to bed soon. And it would be nice not to be standing out on the edge of the street so late at night. “Fine. Do you remember how I told you that I was going out to dinner tonight with the group from my dojang?”

After a moment of silence, Gabriel suddenly sounds far more awake. “Yeah. I’m the one who recommended what restaurant you guys should go to.”

“Yes, well, I’m stranded out in front of it.” He checks his watch and sighs. “At nearly half past one.”

“What happened to your ride?” Now there’s rustling on the other end of the line.

Frowning, Castiel tilts his head back and looks at the sky, wishing he could see stars. “Hannah got drunk and I sent her home in a taxi. And of course I made the poor decision to leave my cards at home and now I can’t afford a taxi of my own. And I don’t know the bus system enough to trust it to get me home at a reasonable time and I –”

“I’m already putting my pants on.” Gabriel interrupts, and it certainly sounds like he is going by the thudding sounds of what is likely him hopping to try and put them on. “I’ll be there in ten minutes.”

Relief washes through Castiel and he lets a little of the tension out of his shoulders. “Thank you, Gabriel. I’ll be waiting in front of the restaurant.”

And sure enough, Kali’s car pulls up barely ten minutes later. She isn’t in it, of course, but Castiel is plenty happy to see his brother. There isn’t much conversation to be had this late at night, especially with Gabriel yawning every thirty seconds, but Castiel still manages to fit in at least a dozen thank you’s and apologies by the time they pull into Kali’s designated parking spot under the building. At that point, Gabriel has stopped being so accommodating and seems mostly annoyed again.

“Seriously, Cassie, you don’t need to keep thank me.” He shoves at him as they make their way to the elevator. “This is a normal thing for family to do, okay? I’m here for you, baby bro.”

Castiel ducks his head with a smile. “I know. And I’m sorry that I woke you.”

Gabriel rolls his eyes and lets his head hang back with a heavy sigh. “I told you, it’s _fine_. I’d rather that you woke me up instead of trying some cockamamie way to get home that ends up with you getting mugged or some other bullshit.”

“If worse came to worst, I would have ordered a taxi and had them wait for me while I ran up to the apartment and got something I could pay with.” Actually, now that he thinks about it, that would have been the less bothersome of options. He’ll blame the late hour for why he didn’t think of that sooner.

To his surprise, Kali is awake and waiting for them. As soon as he’s in the door, she pull him into a hug. “I already have the sofa bed set up. There’s a brand new toothbrush in the bathroom and I put a spare set of Gabriel’s pajama pants on the bathroom counter.” She steps back with a teasing smile. “If they’re too small for you, you’re welcome to sleep in the underpants. We won’t mind.” Kali finishes it with a wink and Castiel can feel a blush start to burn in his ears.

Gabriel groans as he kicks off his shoes. “Kali, baby, I love you, but you don’t need to baby him. Cassie’s a grown ass ma–” He stops dead in his tracks and his words at the truly _fiery_ look Kali sends him. It’s almost as if she’s trying to set him on fire with just her eyes. Gabriel visibly pales before he forces a smile and slaps Castiel on the shoulder. “G’night bro!”

Without looking back, he heads down the hallway to the bedroom with an all too brisk pace. Castiel ignores him in favour of giving Kali his warmest smile. “Thank you, Kali. Your kindness is appreciated.”

She puts a hand on his cheek in a gentle touch. “You don’t need to be so formal with me, Castiel. You’re just as much a part of my family as Gabriel is.”

Castiel ducks his head to hide how pleased that makes him feel. “I know.” His own family life might be a mess of money and power, but it’s nice to know that he can still feel like he’s a part of a family both with Kali and the Winchesters.

“Good!” Kali’s smile is warm and bright all at the same time. “Now go and get some rest. I have to go to the office in the morning to take care of some things and I can swing by your place on the way.”

He doesn’t know where she works, but he certainly won’t look a gift horse in the mouth. That saying never made any sense to him, but it satisfies the situation. “Thank you. Wake me whenever you need me to be up. I can be ready in a matter of minutes.”

She nods and starts down the hall after Gabriel. “Sleep well, Castiel. Let me know if you need anything.”

Castiel waits until the door is shut before he does anything. He takes off his shoes quietly and hangs his coat up on a coat stand by the door. The only thing he takes with him to place on the table next to the sofa bed is cell phone. He won’t require anything else at this time of the night. Castiel does make a mental note to find a way to thank Kali tomorrow or soon. Not only did she fold out the sofa bed, but she also put it sheets on it and made it up with pillows and a comforter. It looks fit to sleep in and more tempting than anything in Castiel’s life has ever been.

At least the bathroom he gets is well away from their bedroom and he can take as long as he needs with his nightly ritual – as stunted as it will be without his usual things. Their condo is a two bedroom, but they use the second bedroom as an office – which is fine. This is the first time Castiel has ever stayed over at their place. He doesn’t need his own bedroom for something like this. Not to mention that he’s no stranger to having his bed out in the open of a living room.

When he finally retires to the bed, Castiel takes the chance to stretch out across it. His own bed back home is half this size. It’s just big enough for him and it _barely_ fits him and Dean when they’re using it. Granted, they’re usually on top of each other when that happens, so it’s almost a moot point. But a big bed is a nice luxury to have every once in a while and he’s going to savour it. Although it would be _very_ nice if there was a certain someone here to share it with him.

It might never happen in his life time, but Castiel is keeping his fingers crossed that one night will come where he’ll be able to spend the night with Dean completely and actually _sleep_ beside him. He turns on his side and pulls one of the pillows to his chest, hugging it tightly. What would it feel like to fall asleep holding Dean or being held by him? Castiel would _really_ like to know.

He would also like to know if Dean had a good evening with Sam and Jess. It’s so rare that he’s had so much radio silence from him. Maybe it’s because Dean decided to go out with his friends instead? That would be a plausible explanation. It would be a normal thing for him to do on a Saturday night. But if he went out with them, was it out with Charlie to one of her geeky games, or was it with Benny and the others to the bar?

Between those two options, Castiel knows undoubtedly which one he would prefer. But if Dean _did_ go out to the bar, then he’s keeping his fingers crossed that he went home afterwards instead of going home with some stranger. But that’s still a possibility. And it _would_ explain why Dean never messaged him at all during the evening.

A queasy kind of pull fills his belly and Castiel closes his eyes. This is going to worry him until he falls asleep and it’s just the price he has to pay for keeping his feelings quiet.

*

“I’m telling you, Castiel, you don’t need to get me anything in thanks.” Kali laughs as she changes lanes ahead of a turn. “I’m just doing a favour for family. Favours don’t need to be repaid.”

Castiel tries not to pout. He’s thankful for the ride home, but he still wants to do something to show that thanks. Even if it’s something like a cup of coffee at some point. “In that case, I’m just going to have to get you a very good birthday or Christmas present depending on which comes first.”

That draws another laugh from her. “Alright, I can’t complain about _that_. But if you want that information, you’re going to have to get it out of Gabriel. A lady has to keep her secrets, you know?”

No, he didn’t know. Not completely, at least. Mother keeps the year of her birth hidden, but she’s rather open about the day. Primarily because she loves big parties and giving people plenty of time to get her gifts. But Kali is hiding even that, and that makes no sense to Castiel. He won’t question it, though. Instead, he takes out his phone and sends a message to Gabriel asking for Kali’s birthday and what kind of things she might like to receive.

He doesn’t get anything back right now, considering Gabriel was still dead asleep when they left. It’s not even that early in the morning. According to the time, Dean has another hour or so before he should be leaving for work. Hopefully he actually _is_ home. Castiel would like to see him before he goes to work. He wants to tell him about how the party went and find out what Dean did last night. And if Jess left when Sam should have left for work, then he might be able to sneak in a kiss or two before Dean leaves. He doesn’t have an itch for anything more, but he would happily do that too if Dean asked.

“This is it, isn’t it?”

Castiel looks up from his phone, surprised. Sure enough, they’re now parked in front of his building. “Oh, yes. Thank you.” And now he feels bad for not having paid much attention to Kali for the latter half of the drive. “I hope I didn’t make you late for work.”

She shakes her head and reaches over to pat him on the knee. “It’s not shift work. I’m going in to get some paperwork and then heading back home. There’s nothing to make me late for.”

“Oh, well, that’s good I suppose.” He shrugs and tilts a smile at her. “But this is greatly appreciated. Dean has work this morning and I could never have asked him to come pick me up. And it wouldn’t have felt right if you or Gabriel had paid for me to take a taxi home.”

Kali’s hand moves to his shoulder to give it a squeeze. “Don’t be like that, Castiel. We’re here for you if you ever need us. No matter what. Family looks out for each other.” She gives him a little tug and Castiel leans over just enough for her to press a kiss to his cheek. “You’re welcome to come over whenever you want. Don’t be such a stranger, okay? Gabriel misses you.”

Castiel ducks his head as he sits back again. Something warm twists through his stomach at the reminder of how lucky he is to have such good family and friends – his father aside. “I’ll make sure to make time for you both more this summer.” He runs a hand through his hair, messing it up further. “Thank you.”

“Anytime.” She gives him a shove with a smile. “Now get going or I’m going to kidnap you for the day.”

He gets out of the car with one last goodbye before he shuts the door. The last person that Castiel expects to see in that instant is Dean, and especially on the sidewalk with a plastic bag dangling from his fingers. Bright heat blooms up in his chest immediately, forcing a smile to his face before he even realizes that he’s smiling. The smile Dean gives isn’t as big, but Castiel figures that’s due to the early hour. He should still be sleeping, shouldn’t he? So, what’s he doing out like this in his sweat pants and ruffled sleep-hair and _him_ -ness.

Dean stops a few feet away and clears his throat. His voice is still sleep-rough too, the way it is before he has his first coffee of the day. “Mornin’, Romeo. Did’ja have a good night?”

“No better than expected.” Castiel shrugs and tilts his head, looking down at the bag in Dean’s hand. “Why are you –”

A honk interrupts him. Kali waves through the window as she pulls away from the curb. He lifts his hand to do the same, pleased that Dean does the same too even though he’s never met her before. Damn. He should have used this opportunity to introduce them. But Kali is already gone. They’ll just have to wait for another time, then.

“Got yourself a sugar mama last night, huh?” Dean asks, though his voice is oddly monotone. “I’m impressed.” He certainly doesn’t sound it.

Castiel frowns and tilts his head. The term doesn’t sound familiar to him. “Sugar mama?”

He shrugs and gestures towards where Kali’s red car is turning off their street. “Yeah, the fancy car.”

“That was Kali’s car.” But what does the car have to do with a sugar mama? The words itself make him believe that it’s related to Kali herself, but Dean has never met her before so how would he know anything beyond her name?

Rather than explain anything, Dean just shrugs and turns away. “It’s a nice car.” He heads into the building ahead of Castiel. Rather than turning towards the elevators, Dean goes for the door to the stairwell. That’s not entirely odd, but usually Dean takes the elevator.

Castiel bites his lip as he starts up after Dean. Something isn’t sitting right with him right now. There’s an uncertain buzz behind his ribs, making his chest feel tight and his stomach turning. Reading people might not be his specialty, but Castiel knows Dean better than he does anyone else and something is _wrong_ right now. He just doesn’t know what.

“Is Sam home?”

Dean shakes his head as he reaches their floor. “Nah, he left for work already.” He holds the door open long enough for Castiel to slip through after him. The bag crinkles loudly as he lifts it to draw attention to it. “But Jess is in the bathroom and she needed me to go buy her some crap.”

“I see.” Castiel tries his best not to pout. If Jess wasn’t here, he could have asked why Dean feels so off to him right now. Or maybe it’s because Dean had a bad night? In which case, Castiel could have done something to cheer him up before he leaves for work. Which – when is that again?

If he remembers correctly, it’s in about an hour or so. But he doesn’t want to say anything and seem like he has Dean’s entire schedule memorized. That might freak Dean out in some way. Just in case, Castiel plays dumb. “Do you work today?”

Dean nods again as he fishes his keys out to unlock the door. “Yeah, I gotta leave right away.” Oh, that’s sooner than Castiel expect. “I’ll be back before supper. You’re going to spend the day pre-studying for your classes, right?”

“Yes, but I need to go pick up a book from the library. They have it on hold for me, so the earlier I go the better.” Which would have been, ideally, after he had some alone time with Dean. Since Jess is here, that’s unlikely to happen now. “But I should be home by two. Would you like me to get supper started?” It’s a pointless question because Dean would obviously rather he didn’t, but he’ll still offer it anyways.

“Don’t worry about it.” Dean shoves the door open and doesn’t bother with taking off his shoes, heading straight through the kitchen towards the hall. “I’ll take care of it when I get home.” He pulls a couple chip bags from his plastic bag and drops them on the table on his way by.

Castiel shuts the door behind him and carefully toes his shoes off while Dean calls out into the hall. “Hey, Jess! I got your damn tampons. I’m covering my eyes and opening the door.”

While Dean makes a quick drop off with Jess, Castiel heads to his bed to get out a change of clothes. He doesn’t want to go out again wearing yesterday’s clothes. They’re also a little wrinkled from spending the night on the arm of the couch. And after sleeping in a strange bed, he kind of wants to take a shower. Rather badly, in fact.

“Are you going to be much longer, Jess?” Castiel calls over his shoulder, hoping that she’ll be able to hear him. “I need to shower before I leave for the library.” And to his knowledge, she doesn’t have anything to do today except return to her own apartment on campus. Since she’s taking a few summer courses too, she’s allowed to stay in the student housing.

“Done in a sec!” She shouts back.

Dean ducks into his bedroom while Castiel is still messing around with his drawers. He’s got clothes to pull out and his cards to return to his wallet. Castiel has just gotten to his feet when Dean comes out with proper day clothes on – jeans and a t-shirt. His standard outfit for work. When Dean goes straight for the front door, stopping only to grab a bagged lunch from the kitchen, Castiel’s heart twists and pitches down towards his stomach.

“See ya, Cas.” Dean says it over his shoulder without looking back. “Bye, Jess!”

“Goodbye –” The door shuts behind him and Castiel sighs. “– Dean.” Okay. Something is _definitely_ wrong and now Castiel can't’ do anything about it until Dean comes home from work later.

He’s still staring at the door when Jess comes out of the bathroom. “It’s all yours, Cas.” She stops halfway down the hall to frown at him. “What’s wrong?”

“Does – did Dean seem _off_ to you this morning?” Castiel shuffles his feet and looks to her. He doesn’t want to look or sound worried, but it’s rather impossible considering that’s how he feels right now. And Jess has always been very understanding of him. She would likely pick up on it no matter what.

“Yeah, that’s probably our fault.” Jess laughs and ducks her head. “Sam and I had a – uh – _fun_ morning and I’m pretty sure we woke him with it.” Her face turns a bright shade of pink and she sticks out her tongue. “It probably didn’t help that I sent him to buy me tampons.”

Oh, well. That’s not so bad, then. He feels better knowing that it’s not something that he did. But it doesn’t really change that Dean _was_ upset this morning and Castiel did nothing to help him. If he could have done _something_ – No. Dean would have asked for his help if he wanted it. Maybe. It’s hard to tell with him sometimes. Dean is just – he’s very – well, he’s _Dean_ , basically. Sometimes Cas has to predict what it is Dean needs because he won’t ask for himself.

Maybe he’ll just have to do something to make Dean feel better later today. 

*

After the third rustling crash from the kitchen, Sam’s voice finally drifts out over the shuffling of cans. “Cas, do we have any chocolate?”

“If we do, it’s not in the pantry.” He doesn’t look up from writing out his study plan now that he has all his textbooks and class line up. “I would suggest checking Dean’s junk drawer. He throws an Oh Henry in there every once in a while.” After a moment, his curiosity gets too much. “Why?”

“Jess has some killer cramps right now.” A drawer slams in the kitchen and Sam comes out with a chocolate bar in hand and a backpack over his shoulder. There’s an electrical cord dangling out of the zipper. “I’m going over with my heating pad, some chocolate, and I’m going to make her dinner tonight. Don’t expect me back tonight. Her roommates went home for the summer and we’re going to live it up like we really have our own place.”

Castiel rolls his eyes and stifles a laugh. “Be careful that you don’t get her kicked out of her apartment.”

“Dude, did you hear what I said?” Sam snorts a laugh and wrinkles his nose at him. “We’re going to cuddle up with chocolate, food, and watch a movie. There won’t be any wild raves happening or sex, for that matter. We’re not into the period sex.”

Now it’s Castiel’s turn to wrinkle his nose. “I believe the term to use right now is _TMI_.”

“Bingo!” Sam laughs again and leans over the back of the couch to clap Castiel on the shoulder – which is quite the feat considering that he’s sitting on the floor in front of the couch. “I promise if we _do_ have a rave, I’ll give you a call so you have a chance to get your freak on.”

“Oh please, spare me.” He rolls his eyes and tilts his head backwards to look at Sam upside down. “Tell Jess that I hope she feels better soon. If you would like, I can give you some money and you can buy her some more chocolate as a gift from me?”

For a second, Sam actually seems to be contemplating the offer. After a moment, he shakes his head. “Nah, we're good. She’s got a stockpile of her own, but I’ll let her know you offered. She’ll appreciate the sentiment. You might even get a tearful thank you text without even having done anything.”

“I look forward to it.” Castiel raises his hand in a slight salute as Sam puts a hand on the door knob. “Have a safe walk. I’ll let Dean know you won’t be home tonight.”

“Thanks! Try not to kill each other tonight, okay?” Sam laughs and winks at him before he heads out the door with another goodbye thrown over his shoulder. Once Castiel hears the key turn in the lock, he allows himself to let his attention fall right back to his study plan.

There’s a few hours between when Sam leaves and when Dean comes home from work. Castiel spends those hours in silence. He perfects his study plan and after cleaning up he retires to his bed with a book. It’s one of the more comfortable places to read in the room and he wants to be in full view of the door when Dean comes home. His morning might have been a bit rough, but Castiel fully plans to make the rest of his day as enjoyable as he can.

After calculating the time it usually takes Dean to get home from work, Castiel puts his plan into action. Ten minutes before that estimate timed, he starts touching himself. It’s nothing more than rubbing the front of his sweatpants, but it’s rather effective. Even though Castiel tries to focus on his reading, he doesn’t get much of it done. His thoughts keeping jumping ahead of him and imagining what Dean might want to do tonight to relieve any of his daily stresses.

Will they do it here on Castiel’s bed? Or will they migrate into Dean’s bedroom? Most days, Dean wants to shower first thing when he gets home from work. Will he be open to Castiel joining him? Should he prepare himself or would Dean rather do that for him? Castiel did some basic cleaning and a little light fingering on his own when he took a shower earlier today, but he’ll require way more if he’s going to be bottoming tonight.

Or – and this is thinking well outside of the box they’ve constructed for themselves – _or_ , perhaps, he could ask Dean if _he_ could top tonight. The little rush of arousal fluttering about in his lower belly flares into a burning pool of heat at that thought. He’s done so much research and memorized so many of the things that he’s seen or that Dean has done to him that he’s confident in being able to do well as a top, despite never having done it before.

The book is officially going completely ignored. He’s lost in his daydreams about what it would be like to see Dean in the various positions he’s had Castiel in and palming the erection tenting the front of his pants. Frankly speaking, he shouldn’t be so brazen to be doing this. It’s entirely possible that Sam could come home unannounced and catch him like this. But currently, he doesn’t care. All Castiel cares about right now is the flickering fire licking through the core of him and how much he wants to give to Dean everything that he’s been given since they started their arrangement.

It’s still a relief when Dean is the one who walks through the doors, a few minutes behind Castiel’s prediction. As soon as he walks into the apartment, Castiel looks from the book to Dean with his best ‘ _lusty_ ’ eyes that he can manage. Dean has told him before that he does it rather well (and he finds it very arousing), but Castiel has never seen what it looks like in the mirror. He has the feeling that if he ever tried to do it on his own just to see what it looks like, he might laugh at it and never be able to do this look for Dean again.

A half-smile lifts a corner of Dean’s mouth, but he doesn’t look all that happy right now. Castiel is immediately concerned. They’ve had days like this before where Dean has come home to find him like this, and he has _always_ locked the door and practically pounced on him right away. But now – now he’s just standing there with a half-smile and half-grimace. Part of him looks interested, but the other part of him just looks – well, to be honest he looks like he’s in pain.

That’s when Dean takes a few more steps into the apartment to get out of his shoes and Castiel sees what’s wrong. “Why are you limping?” He sits up and puts his book aside, forgetting about his own arousal entirely. “What happened?”

Dean shrugs out of his jacket and throws it over the back of the couch rather than hanging it up in the closet. “Tripped over shit at work and now my knee is fucking killing me.” He looks towards the kitchen and takes a step in that direction. “We’ve got a bag of frozen peas, right.”

“Let me check.” Any plans that Castiel had for tonight go out the window. Although his attention is usually focused on Dean, right now he is fixated on him for an entirely different reasons. “Take off your pants and get off your feet. I’ll take care of it.” He might hate pre-med, but he’s learned quite a bit in the courses he’s taken so far. And basic first-aid is more than helpful in this situation.

With a skeptical look, Dean gestures to the front of Castiel’s pants as he passes him into the kitchen. “You sure you don’t want to take care of yourself first, Cas?”

It’s an excellent suggestion, but unnecessary. This won’t be the first time that his needs go ignored and it likely won’t be the last. There are far more important things to worry about. First and foremost, Dean needs to get off that knee. If he needs ice, then he must think there is some kind of swelling. In which case he most _definitely_ needs to get off his feet.

This is also a rare opportunity where Castiel gets the chance to take care of Dean. As much as he hates the fact that Dean is in pain, he is slightly delighted with this opportunity. It will likely be the only time that he can openly dote on Dean without question.

“Don’t worry about it.” He calls over his shoulder as he locates the bag of frozen peas in the freezer. They never use it for anything else but cooling situations – like when Jess accidentally kneed Sam in the crotch in the middle of a friendly wrestling match. Or there was the time that Sam came home with a swollen ankle when he turned it during a basketball practice. And there was the time that Dean banged his head on the cupboard when he stood up without checking that the one above him was open.

In fact, the first-aid kit gets quite a bit of attention too. Dean comes home with cuts and scabs all the time when he’s careless at the garage. Castiel mostly uses it when he has an accident in the kitchen involving knives during one of his poor attempts at cooking. He will maintain until his dying day that all kitchens are cursed by some manner of vengeful spirit and they’re all taking it out on him.

Castiel fetches the kit out from under the bathroom sink and finds Dean in his bedroom. He’s currently struggling out of his jeans at the end of his bed. The act alone brings back the memories of the fantasies Castiel had been entertaining for the last little bit and he bites his lip at their return. His erection may be flagging now that he’s focused on Dean’s wellbeing, but it’s still there. It’s there and it’s begging for him to mention something – anything.

The words leave his tongue before he realizes they’re there. “I was hoping that we would have the chance to –” He shuts his mouth with a snap. No. There’s no point in telling Dean that yet. But he _can_ point out certain other things about tonight – which may or may not lead to some of the things he had been thinking about. “Sam was home earlier and he left with an overnight bag for Jess’s.”

Dean tosses his jeans towards the closet and the clothes basket in the corner and turns to face him with a raised eyebrow. Heat burns in his cheeks and he ducks his head. This is an inappropriate time to be bringing that up.

“But that’s not important.” Castiel gestures at the bed in the hopes that Dean will lay down. “I’ll take care of your knee and take care of supper.” To the best of his ability. Which means they’ll be having cold cut sandwiches and baby carrots. Or perhaps re-heated leftovers if Sam left any in the fridge. He had lunch before he left and who knows how badly he decimated their food stores by then.

With a muffled, though appreciative, groan, Dean drops onto the bed. He strategically aims himself to be smack in the center of it, his head nestled on the pillows. Once he stretches and settles himself, he turns his attention to Castiel again. “Hey, if you wanna fuck, I’m down for it. You’re just going to have to take the reins.”

Castiel’s heart jumps in his chest. It feels like it’s crawling up into his throat and he has to swallow it back down. Dean can’t possibly mean that in the quasi-literal sense that it’s Castiel’s turn to – No, that’s unlikely. He probably means that he’ll have to stay on his back and Castiel will just have to ride him. It’s not one of his most favourite positions, but it’ll suffice in a pinch. Truthfully, Castiel much prefers having Dean on top of him. Whether for kissing, cuddling, or sex. There’s just something altogether pleasing about having a solid weight against him. And he doesn’t get that when he’s above Dean.

Of course Castiel had considered how he would lose that feeling if Dean was bottoming for him. It’s a sacrifice he would absolutely be willing to make if it meant that he would get to have the experience of topping for once. He wants to be the one to pin Dean to the bed and move in him. To see him squirm and writhe and whine. It gives Castiel shivers just thinking about it. And he can’t forget that if he _does_ want to experience the weight of Dean on top of him while he’s the one buried in the heat of Dean’s body, then he could always have Dean riding him.

It’s definitely a possibility, but not one available to him right now. Dean’s knee has an ugly purple-black bruise spreading across it and it looks twice as big as his other knee, at the least. This needs Castiel’s attention first and _then_ he can address Dean’s offer and determine what exactly he meant by it. He folds one leg under him as he sits on the edge of the bed. Dean hisses under his breath at a few careful (and very gentle) touches to his knee, just to see how bad it is.

Though Castiel might not be a doctor yet, he’s fairly certain that nothing is broken. If it doesn’t get better with a cold compress and some time to heal, then he will absolutely suggest that Dean go to a proper doctor. For now, the tenser bandage from the first-aid kit and he the bag of peas will suffice. Dean winces while Castiel wraps his knee, but as he groans happily and closes his eyes as the cold must start cooling the inflamed area.

Castiel doesn’t even realize his hand is resting on Dean’s calf until his leg moves slightly. Dean readjusts how he’s lying in the bed slightly and sighs. It sounds partly tired and partly relaxed. Some small voice in Castiel’s head suggests that he let Dean be to recuperate, but he can’t bring himself to move. They have the whole evening to themselves and he wants nothing more than to spend it at Dean’s side. Even if it’s just to take a nap or cuddle or watch a movie.

After a few minutes of silence, Dean sighs again and opens his eyes. He’s all loose and calm, and Castiel is utterly torn right in half. If only there could be some way to let him relax and sleep, but still answer the itch still roiling in Castiel’s gut. Or – could he have both? Just one after the other. Sex before, relaxing after. Or, nap first and then sex? The sex shouldn’t be needed tonight, but Castiel actually _wants_ it right now, no matter how he tries to convince himself not to. And he will absolutely blame his fantasies from earlier for it.

Dean’s eyes narrow slightly, almost as if he were suspicious of the silence. “What?”

If he’s ever going to have a chance to ask to top, this is it. Castiel tilts his head slightly and moves his hand to Dean’s thigh so that there’s no mistaking what he’s going to ask about. He squeezes Dean’s thigh and gives it a go. “Can I –”

Nope. The rest of the question isn’t even there. Castiel takes a deep breath and leans forward. He _needs_ to ask this. “Would it be alright if I tried to –”

No, that won’t do either. His questions aren’t going to be of any help. Trying the right way to word a question is just frustrating and it must be showing on his face. What Castiel needs to do here is be _direct_ and he squeezes Dean’s thigh again to reassure himself. If he can touch Dean like this without complaint, then maybe he won’t be flat out rejected with this particular desire.

“I would like to fuck you.”

Castiel always has liked to get straight to the point. And it’s always a pleasure to see Dean caught unawares. His eyes go wide and his lips part slightly. He blinks more too when he’s surprised. It’s pleasing to see. But it’s not an answer. What he wants to know now is if Dean is open to it. They’ve talked about it before and more specifically about how Castiel has no experience in that role. Dean even gave him pointers once. But the farthest they’ve gotten is fingers and the occasional rimming. He likes to think that they’re working their way up to it.

After a moment, Dean clears his throat and gives a shaky nod. “Yeah. Uh, yeah. We can – we can definitely do that.” He sits up on his elbows as red creeps into his cheeks.

There are no words to express how happy Castiel is to hear that. He tries not to seem _too_ eager when he gets to his feet and starts undressing. It’s only halfway through pushing his pants down his hips when he realizes that Dean might not mean at this very moment. He just got home from work and he’s injured. Dean might want to rest first, or take some painkillers for his knee or –

“Can we take a shower first?” Dean interrupts his thoughts and Castiel looks up to find him carefully maneuvering his legs off the bed, though he doesn’t bend his knee.

He kicks off his pants and steps forward to pull Dean to his feet. “Let me help.”

“I’m not an invalid, Cas.” A frown creases his face. “I can do shit on my own still.”

“I know.” Castiel leans in and kisses away the pout forming on Dean’s lips. “But I take a great deal of pleasure in undressing you and I won’t have that stolen from me by your pride.”

Dean rolls his eyes, but doesn’t complain further. Instead, he blushes rather nicely as Castiel pushes one shirt off and pulls the other over his head. His hands trace Dean’s body, looking for any other sore or tender spots that he should be aware of for later. Thankfully, nothing else seems like it was injured in the fall that Dean took earlier. Dean shuffles his feet a little, almost as if he were impatient, while Castiel takes his time with carefully pulling his underwear down and over his knee.

Once those are out of the way and Castiel is standing again, Dean sticks his tongue out at him. “Have you had your fun yet?”

“Not quite.” He steps out of the way and gestures for Dean to go for the door. “I’ve got some things to get for the shower. I’ll meet you in the bathroom.”

That earns him a confused look, but Dean does it anyways. Castiel has to make a detour to the kitchen. He takes a pair of scissors to cut open the bottom of a plastic bag and he digs the duct tape out from one of the drawers. After making sure the front door is locked with the chain, he joins Dean in the bathroom. With a little sidestepping, he manages to get past Dean. He turns on the water to let it warm up first while Dean shuts the door.

“What’s this shit for?” Dean points at the plastic bag and he frowns in confusion when Castiel kneels at his feet. It clears up almost immediately, and especially when Castiel starts trying to get him to put his foot through the bag. “You know, we _could_ just take the bandage _off_ for the shower, right?”

“You technically shouldn’t even be on it right now.” Castiel doesn’t bother looking up. He’s far too focused on wrapping tape around the bag close to the ends. Not tight enough to cut off circulation, but tight enough to keep it in place and keep the water out. “The least we can do is keep it cooled while we’re showering.”

Dean shrugs and doesn’t complain further. He still doesn’t sound as enthusiastic about this as Castiel feels. Well, it’s about time he changed that, isn’t it? Castiel leans forward and presses a kiss to Dean’s thigh as he puts the tape and scissors aside. Without hesitation, Dean leans back against the counter and spreads his legs – almost as if he did it out of habit. And what a wonderful habit that is. It opens up plenty of space for Castiel to trace his lips over.

The water has likely heated up by now since it never takes very long, but neither of them quite feels like moving right now. Or, at least, Castiel doesn’t. He’s plenty happy to remain kneeling in front of Dean. He presses kisses everywhere that he can reach – Dean’s hips, his stomach, and his thighs. The only place he’s completely avoiding is Dean’s penis. _That_ particular aspect of his anatomy is under the care of Castiel’s hands. He’ll save a proper blowjob for later, when Dean doesn’t have to worry so much about staying on his feet.

When Dean is hard in his hands, Castiel finally stands again. He kisses his way up Dean’s body until he can kiss him proper. A soft groan meets him and Dean’s hands move to grip his hips, drawing him closer. The bathroom is heating up with steam from the shower, but it is still nowhere near as warm as their bodies when they press together. It takes all of Castiel’s willpower not to start rubbing against Dean then and there. They’ve already wasted enough water for that.

With some difficulty, he manages to guide Dean away from the counter and towards the shower without really breaking their kiss. They get forced apart when they have to step over the edge of the tub, but that’s just a minor hiccup. As soon as the curtain is back in place and they’re under the spray of the water, Castiel wastes no time in pushing Dean up against the tiles to kiss him again.

His stomach flutters and his chest feels like it’s constricting when Dean’s hands come up to wrap around his shoulders, pulling him closer and deepening the kiss. It’s almost enough to fully distract him. Castiel barely maintains enough cognitive processes to remember to dip a hand the back of Dean’s bad leg. At least it takes little prompting to convince Dean to lift it, or to rest his foot on the side of the tub to alleviate the weight on his knee.

Castiel feels like a glutton at an all-you-can-eat buffet. He has free reign over Dean’s body right now. He could touch him, taste him, do whatever he wants right now and the likelihood of him being stopped is next to none. And that is entirely why he takes his time with cleaning Dean from head to toe. With body wash to slick his fingers, he caresses Dean’s shoulders and chest, his stomach and hips, each thigh and calf and foot. Every part of Dean gets its own attention in due time and Castiel revels in it.

No matter how many showers they’ve had together, Castiel has never had the opportunity to outright _worship_ Dean like this. Dean has never been so pliable to his hands and the hot water, moving where and how Castiel guides him. And he has never seemed to enjoy it so much either. Dean hums and sighs under his breath with every touch. Groaning when Castiel’s fingertips draw over sensitive parts of his body. If it weren’t for the taste of the soap, Castiel would put his mouth to those spots just to hear how those sounds would change.

The soap is an inconvenience and Castiel is happy when it washes away. It means Dean is clean now and he can get to more pressing matters again – such as kisses. These will always be his favourite. He hums happily as Dean tugs him closer, their kiss soft and gentle. A quiet melding of mouths and tongues. Castiel’s hands, however, can’t hold still. They find their way down and around Dean’s body to grip his ass. His hips move of their own accord too, rolling to meet Dean’s. But it’s slow – almost agonizingly so. The movement of his body is not the main event here. It is and always will be the kiss.

And, sadly, the kiss is what he needs to give up in order to pick his bottle of lube out from the ones on his shelf in the shower. Dean’s eyes are closed and his face is tilted into the spray. He doesn’t seem aware of what’s happening – until Castiel starts lifting his bad leg a little higher.

With a laugh, Dean threads his arms around Castiel’s shoulders and hikes his leg as high as it will go over his arm. “I’m going to kick your ass from here to Timbuktu and back if I fall again just because you’re getting kinky in the shower and can’t wait until we get back to the bed.”

Castiel’s smile is hidden by the curve of Dean’s neck. “Duly noted.” And then he has no time for words. His mouth is occupied with tasting Dean’s pulse point, mouthing at it in a way that has Dean’s fingers digging into his shoulders and soft puffs of air gasping against his ear.

They’ve done this plenty of times with _him_ in Dean’s place. He’s fairly confident that even with their positions reversed, he’ll still be able to keep them both on their feet. His confidence doesn’t waver even when Dean rises up onto his tip toes and his head thumps back against the wall. Fine tremors wrack Dean’s body as Castiel works him open. This is only an extension of the worshipping from earlier and Castiel is as gentle with it as he was everything else.

Dean is the one who calls an end to it. He ends it with a forceful kiss; one that bruises lips. “Enough, Cas.” He groans into it, his hips rocking. “No more shower. No more prep.”

Oh there is _plenty_ more preparations that Castiel wants to do, but he’ll make a compromise here. He’ll meet Dean half way. And by that, he means they’ll return to the bedroom and he’ll continue what he was doing there. There’s a deep, dark part of Castiel that wants to work Dean open until he’s begging. If he’s going to top Dean today, then he wants Dean to _ask_ for it. And that – well, that just sends a chill straight down his spine and he fumbles with turning off the taps.

Once they dry off, Castiel helps Dean to the bedroom. His own knees go weak at the sight of Dean stretched out across the bed, skin flushed from their activities and the heat of the water. God help him. How did he ever manage to be so lucky as to be allowed to experience this? Of all the people in the world Dean could have chosen as a partner, right now he’s with _Castiel_ and that – that causes something to trip in Castiel’s chest that no words can describe. A spiral of emotions spinning too fast for him to tell what they are.

Oddly enough, he doesn’t want to know. There is no room in his mind right now for introspection. He is absolutely enraptured by what – by _who_ – lays before him. Castiel’s hands shake slightly as he peels the plastic covering from Dean’s leg. The peas have all but completely defrosted by now and he removes those too before rewrapping his knee. One of his top priorities is that Dean’s knee be taken care of properly. Everything else can wait – but thank God that it’s not a very long deviation.

Castiel kneels between Dean’s spread legs, his heart drumming a staccato rhythm against his ribs. Hopefully he doesn’t come across as jittery as he feels as he leans down to cover Dean’s stomach in more kisses. His teeth scrape over the jut of Dean’s hips and he has to fight back the urge to smile at the gasp that gets him. Dean twitches and his hips rise from the bed slightly, pushing into Castiel’s kisses. They twist and rise, over and over again; a question asked without words.

Though he may be waiting for Dean’s words, it’s not for this in particular. This will be yet another compromise – as long as Dean _does_ ask for what Castiel wants to give later. He took his time before, but Castiel doesn’t waste any now. Since sometime during the shower, he’s been more or less ignoring Dean’s erection. His own has gone unattended – aside from what little grinding they’ve done – and he doesn’t mind that. But Dean, it seems, is getting a little desperate.

If he held out longer, Castiel might be able to get him to start demanding things. He can wait for that later. Right now – right now he wraps his lips around the head of Dean’s penis and he sucks. Castiel is rewarded with the happiest groan he’s heard all day. Rough fingers push into his hair and get a grip that causes a wave of pinprick pleasure to ripple across his skin. It nearly causes Castiel to give a moan of his own. He settles instead on taking more of Dean’s erection into his mouth.

The lube from the shower is still in his hand. Castiel uses his tongue and lips to distract Dean from the sound of the cap popping open, or the squish-slick sound of the gel coating his fingers. A sharp gasp accompanies a particularly powerful quake as he returns to stretching Dean open. It appears Castiel caught him by surprise and that pleases him more than words can say. These reactions are half the fun of what they do and Castiel rewards Dean for his with a hard rub to his prostate. His own reward is a long, drawn out moan and the way Dean trembles, trying not to thrust into his mouth or down onto his fingers – three now.

When it comes to comparing penises, Castiel and Dean are about the same. Nothing extraordinary for either of them. Even though Dean said he didn’t need further prep, Castiel wants to make sure that he’s ready. Dean used to wait until he was four fingers deep before he’d even consider fucking him. And since they’re similar of similar girth and Castiel absolutely does not want this to be a scarring experience for either of them, he will damn well make sure that Dean is _ready_.

Dean, however, seems to be of a different persuasion. “Cas – Cas, for the love of fuck, would you –” His breathing hitches and his heels thump against Castiel’s back. He tugs at Castiel’s hair, harder than necessary but still not an unpleasant sensation. “Shit, would y’just get on with it?”

It’s very difficult to hide his smile when he lifts his head and lets Dean’s erection fall from his lips. The disappointed whine that Dean bites back is well worth it. “I like taking my time, Dean.” Castiel continues to work his fingers in and out, even as he speaks. “There’s more I want to do today.” So much more that he can’t even list it all and he doubts they’ll be able to get to all of it.

With another groan, Dean digs his heel into Castiel’s shoulder blade. “To do more, you’re gonna actually have to put your damn dick in me.”

All in due time. “Not yet.” Castiel shakes his head and wiggles down the bed until he’s flat on his stomach. He might not be at that point yet, but he’s all about compromise. In this case, he’ll move on to the next thing on his list that he wants to do today.

That next step is to gentle roll his tongue under and over Dean’s balls. As sensitive as those are, and as much as he knows Dean enjoys having them played with, Castiel doesn’t spend too long there. His main goal is further back. Thankfully, Dean tilts his hips to accommodate him without being asked. At this point, Dean is basically holding his legs up himself. His hands cup the back of his thighs, keeping them out of the way so Castiel can flick his tongue where he pleases.

At the moment, that means doing his best to trace the edges of Dean’s hole that he can reach. His fingers take up most of the space down here, but Castiel doesn’t mind. Every time his tongue flicks alongside his fingers, Dean sucks in a sharp breath and his whole body twitches. The more he does it, the more Dean reacts. He trembles and twists and gasps. And each thing that he does sets fire to Castiel’s blood. Already he feels like he’s cooking in his own skin, but he can’t stop yet.

It feels like he’s been working at this for ages by the time that he sits back. Castiel is more than pleased with himself for the ruffled state he’s got Dean in. He runs his hands along Dean’s legs and carefully guides them to stretch out on the bed again. His fingers glance over the bandage around Dean’s knee, a quick check to make sure that it’s still okay. Dean doesn’t seem bothered by it as much anymore, not even twitching at the touch.

He watches Castiel from under hooded as he leans past him for the condoms on the bedside table. Nowadays, Dean rarely actually puts them away. There’s always at least one sitting within reach. It’s a wonder that his hands aren’t shaking when he starts rolling the condom on. He’s almost as nervous now as he was when he was in Dean’s position – only at that time he was on his stomach and he didn’t watch Dean spread lube over the condom.

His fingers slip slightly on Dean’s thighs as he guides them to spread a little wider. Castiel is torn between watching Dean’s eyes and watching what he’s doing as he shuffles closer to line up. This is it. He’s about to top for the first time ever, and to _Dean_ no less. This is something he never would have allowed himself to dream about, let alone think of it. He’s going to get to see Dean like he’s never seen before and he can hardly wait.

Dean bites his bottom lip as Castiel pushes against his hole. He’s no different. Castiel watches carefully, eyes darting between what he’s doing and watching Dean. It’s a little disappointing that Dean is staring at the ceiling or that he’s gripping the sheets instead of reaching for him. He’ll have to fix that later. One thing at a time. Dean is dealing with this feeling in his own way and Castiel wants to learn it. He wants to see what Dean’s like when he’s the bottom and interrupting it with _his_ wants will taint the experience. Besides, he –

Oh _God_.

The initial resistance gives way and Castiel slips in without warning. It’s only just a bit, but it steals his breath away. Muscles jump and dance under Dean’s skin as his spine arches away from the mattress. He takes a sharp breath and lets it out slowly, clearly forcing his body to relax. Castiel, on the other hand, is trembling. The pressure – the warmth – it’s nothing like he thought it would be. He’s had Dean’s mouth around him before and that was amazing, but _this_ – this is – it’s – _Oh God_.

It’s all Castiel can do not to bury himself in the heat of Dean’s body. His hands move to grip Dean’s hips. He doesn’t even have the capacity to think about, let alone care, that his grip might be too tight. Dean’s hands leave the sheets and cover his, holding on as Castiel slowly – so very _slowly_ – continues pushing in. The deeper he gets, the more of him that is actually _inside_ Dean, the harder it is to breathe and stay upright. No wonder people like doing this so much. It feels _amazing_ no matter which role he plays.

By the time he bottoms out, his hips pressed against Dean’s ass, Castiel can’t even remain upright. He’s folded over and gasping for breath against Dean’s chest. Dear God, what does he have to do to preserve this moment for eternity? Castiel never wants to leave it. He feels connected to Dean so very differently from any other time they’ve had sex. To let someone into your body like this involves a level of trust and acceptance that Castiel has barely been able to quantify when he’s the one doing it. But this – this makes his heart feel ten times too large for his rib cage.

That feeling only grows in magnitude when gentle hands brush through his hair. Dean’s fingers skate across his shoulders in a soft sweep before returning to comb through his hair. It’s a sweet, calming gesture and Castiel doesn’t know if it’s meant to ground him or remind him that there’s another person here with needs that should be attended to. And he will absolutely get to those in a minute. Just – just right now he needs some time to adjust. If he moves too soon, he might shatter this moment – or he just might come far too soon for either of them to get any enjoyment out of this.

It isn’t long before Dean’s touch turns a little more desperate. His fingers dig into Castiel’s shoulders, though he isn’t sure if Dean is trying to push him away or pull him in closer. “ _Fuck_.”

Yes, that just about sums up Castiel’s thoughts too. Though there are a lot more letters involved and it’s more like someone slammed their face repeatedly against a keyboard. And then they threw that keyboard out a window and set themselves on fire. Honestly, how has no one ever burst into flames before because of this? The sweat is beading up on his skin and he still can’t breathe properly. Dean’s body is just so _hot_. Inside and out. It might burn him alive.

Eventually – and it does take some time – Castiel manages to adjust. Usually it’s the partner on the bottom who needs to adjust to the intrusion. That could play a part in why he takes so long to sit back. He was merely waiting for Dean become comfortable with having Castiel inside of him. Though, judging by the look Dean is giving him, he was ready a while ago. Castiel ignores it in favour of sliding his hands from Dean’s hips to the back of his thighs.

Mindful of Dean’s bad knee, he gently guides Dean to hike his legs up until they’re practically under Castiel’s arms. It would probably be better to have them over his shoulders, but he doesn’t want to completely fold Dean in half. He’s not as flexible as Castiel is, and he fully plans to be above and on top of Dean. He wants to kiss him while he has sex with him – while he _makes love_ to him. Whether Dean knows it or not, Castiel’s feeling are here in full. He’ll communicate them with his body the words that he isn’t allowed to say.

Besides, this position is better for Dean’s knee. It won’t have as much stress on it in this position. At least it seems not to be causing him any problems. Dean is acting like he’s completely forgotten about his knee. He crosses his ankles behind Castiel’s back, pulling him in closer. It’s not necessary, really. Castiel can’t possible get any closer than he already is. But still, he leans over Dean, his hands on either side of his head, and stoops to press a lingering kiss to the center of his chest.

A joke that would make light of the situation slips across his mind and Castiel murmurs it into Dean’s skin. “You need to keep that knee elevated, Dean.”

He will readily admit that it’s a poor joke. Dean’s reaction to it is funnier than it was. He gets a flat, unamused groan and a tug to his hair in response to it. Castiel smiles against his chest and rocks his hips. It’s just a gentle rolling movement that he barely pulls out any, but it’s something and it makes Dean take another sharp breath. Dean’s moves his body too, hips wiggling as if that might make Castiel move more or pick up his pace. If he keeps it up, he might actually succeed with his endeavor.

When Castiel looks up, he’s again disappointed to find that Dean’s eyes are closed. They’re screwed shut and his bottom lip is still caught between his teeth. His breathing is uneven, his skin flushed, and sweat is pooling in the dip of his collarbone. Between them, Dean’s erection is heavy on his stomach, precome beading at the head. There are so many places that Castiel wants to taste and touch, but he can’t – not yet. He needs to focus.

Finding Dean’s prostate and taking this from _great_ to _amazing_ is marginally more difficult than when he uses his fingers. Castiel concentrates on finding the right angle. Dipping and raising his hips is miles harder than simply crooking a finger at the right depth. He knows where it is, but how is he supposed to find it when he’s just – No. He won’t let his frustrations with that take away from this moment. This is special. This is Dean opening another door to him and he’s going to treasure it – just like how Castiel treasures each and every moment he spends with – _Holy shit_.

Dean’s eyes are open and Castiel is floored by it. The blush filling his face grows deeper and his mouth opens slightly. The green in his eyes is nothing but a thin corona around the blown black of his pupil. Despite the lidded gaze, he looks – shocked? He looks like he’s seeing Castiel for the first time. A small, soft little noise – almost a gasp and not quite a whine – slips past Dean’s lips.

It’s a sound that breaks the levee.

The pace changes the moment Dean reaches up and Castiel falls into him, dropping to his elbows. The kiss is soul-sucking and claiming. Spit-slick tongues sliding together. One hand is in his hair, gripping tight like Dean’s holding on for dear life. He meets every thrust of Castiel’s hips with a roll of his own. It’s nowhere near the often rough and time-pressed rhythm they usually have, but it’s not as slow as before. It’s steady and perfect and different and wonderful.

With every movement Castiel makes, with every kiss he gives, he tries his best to communicate to Dean just how much he means to him. Every touch is laced with love, and every kiss with devotion. Dean doesn’t need to understand for him to do it, but Castiel does hope that somewhere inside of him – deep and hidden behind the doors Dean keeps from himself – that he knows what isn’t being said now. Castiel hopes Dean knows that this isn’t _just_ sex. That it never was.

By some miracle of motion, Castiel somehow manages to find the right angle that works for the both of them. He does it completely by accident when he shuffles his knees a little further up the bed to get better leverage. The only way he knows that he’s done well is when Dean’s whole body jerks in surprise and a happy moan melts between their lips. A nearly vicious delight sears through Castiel’s bones, pleased to have found a way to make him lose it the same way Dean always manages to do for him.

It’s a turning point for them. With that one moan, the dam holding back Dean’s voice is shattered. Castiel revels in every gasped moan and curse word that fills the barely there space between them. His favourite is the aborted whimpers and cut off versions of his name. Sometimes it’s only the first syllable, sometimes it’s the last. But each one tastes so sweet and Castiel takes them all. He stores each one in a special place inside him, wrapped in the heat that warms him from his core when Dean is around. They’ll stay there until he’s ready to take them out as mementos of this moment.

Dean becomes incapable of holding still. He squirms and rocks against him, pulling away from the kisses. A whole new level of adorable is reached as he presses his face to Castiel’s throat or his cheek, panting for every breath and hissing all manner of bad words. It just makes him all the more endearing because it’s just so _Dean_. And it just makes Castiel want to kiss him all the more. He twists his head and uses what he can to get Dean to show his face.

As soon as he can, he’s kissing Dean again. A tingling ripple of _wow_ tumbles through him when Dean’s fingernails dig into his back. There’s a sting along with it, but it’s not altogether bad. Hopefully he doesn’t leave any scratches. But it must mean that Dean is feeling good, right? Castiel is nearly completely positive that Dean is enjoying this. In fact, he might go as far as to say that Dean is feeling this more than he usually does when their positions are switched. And _that_ particularly wishful thought pleases him beyond all reason.

It makes Castiel want to see what else he can do to bring out more of Dean’s reactions. And he deserves to be rewarded for making this experience as astoundingly remarkable as it has been thus far, considering his bad knee at the moment. Dean rumbles a moan against Castiel’s mouth when he leans his weight to one arm, freeing up one hand. He reaches between them and lays his hand over Dean’s erection, pinning it to his stomach.

Immediately, Dean’s moan turns into a growl of disapproval. Castiel suppresses a shiver and grins into the kiss. He likes it when Dean gets demanding, even when he doesn’t use words. But that doesn’t mean he’s going to listen to him. Instead of moving his hand, Castiel moves his head and kisses his way from his mouth to Dean’s ear.

His teeth catch on the lobe for a moment before he breathes one word. “ _No_.”

The answer he gets is devastating. It’s another groan and nails pressing hard into his back. But that’s not all Dean does. He rolls his hips very purposefully, pushing up into Castiel’s hand before rocking hard back onto his erection. And then he _squeezes_. Castiel does this all the time when he’s on the bottom, but this – he never expected that it would feel like _this_. It catches him by surprise and it’s like a blow to his chest, knocking the air out of him.

Everything gets thrown to hell in that moment. Castiel loses all rhythm with his hips. Worse yet, Dean doesn’t stop. He squeezes and rolls and utterly _ruins_ him. In his opinion, it’s far too soon for Castiel to lose his control. But it happens regardless of what he wants. The heat inside of him builds up into a pressure too strong to contain. It rocks through him and he chokes a sound against Dean’s ear. His orgasm snuck up on him and Dean drew it out of him expertly.

Castiel’s hips twitch and stutter through his orgasm before he’s finished. But Dean isn’t done and Castiel wants to feel him come around him. He refuses to give into the overwhelming urge to just collapse where he is and let the pleasant floating feeling after his orgasm take over. It almost _hurts_ to push himself up and back to sit on his knees. His limbs are shaking, but Castiel ignores it. He’s still hard and will be for a very short time frame – meaning he has to make Dean come in that time.

As soon as he’s sitting back, Castiel finds the right angle and starts moving in earnest with quick, jerking thrusts. Any form of finesse is lost to him now that his whole body is buzzing with the aftereffects of his orgasm. Doing this requires more concentration than it did before and he bites his bottom lip as if that will help in some way. Dean’s legs fall open around him and he braces his feet against the bed. Clearly he’s striving for that sweet release too, and he’s going to work at it just as hard as Castiel is.

Dean groans happily when Castiel starts moving his hand. He keeps Dean’s erection pressed to his stomach and rubs the whole length of it with his palm. Over and over and over again. His other hand cups under Dean’s sac for a moment before it drops lower. Dean’s rim has always been extremely sensitive when it comes to Castiel licking over it, so it would stand to reason that stimulation during sex would help speed along his orgasm.

The moment he presses the pad of his thumb against his rim, Dean bites his lip and throws his head back into the pillows. His hands curl tightly in the sheets and Dean groans loudly. “Fuck – Cas – you kinky bastard.” He struggles to look back down at him. “What the hell are you –” Dean cuts himself off with another loud groan as he arches almost violently from the bed.

“I’m making it up as I go along.” Castiel whispers, his voice scraping through his throat. And really, it’s the truth. He has no idea what he’s doing. All he’s trying to do is make this good for Dean.

He bites his lip again, concentrating hard on the angle of his hips and the rub of his thumb. It’s mesmerizing, actually. Castiel can hardly tear his eyes from watching the way Dean takes him in and how he slides out. Even so, he can’t resist glancing up every now and then, just to see the way Dean is watching him or how he’s twisting towards an orgasm of his own.

Castiel’s heart nearly leaps right out of his chest the moment Dean lets go of the sheets and reaches for him. It doubles in time and his hand trembles slightly as he takes Dean hand and links their fingers together. Heat blooms up his arm from it and he squeezes, imprinting the feeling into his memory. Dean’s mouth falls open and his back bows in that moment. He comes across his own stomach and his muscles ripple and squeeze around Castiel.

If it were at all possible, this would be enough to make him come again. Unfortunately, Castiel can feel that he’s going soft already and he pulls out when he thinks it’s safe to. The last he wants to do is accidentally hurt Dean in the middle of an orgasm. He continues to stroke Dean through it, waiting until he’s stopped twitching and his breathing evens out a little. Castiel can’t resist the urge to lift Dean’s hand to his mouth and press a kiss to his knuckles.

Dean’s eyes stay shut but his flush turns into a deep blush. He drapes his free arm over his eyes and takes a deep breath. There’s a smile ghosting the edges of his lips and Castiel feels like he’s done well. Delighted with himself, he slides off the bed. It’s getting uncomfortable to wear the condom any longer, especially now that he’s going soft. He doesn’t take long to get rid of it. There’s still basic cleanup to do, including the mess on Dean’s stomach.

It doesn’t even cross Castiel’s mind to get one of the wet wipes from the drawer. Instead, he sits back down on the edge next to Dean and leans over him. There’s a sharp breath above him just as Castiel puts his mouth to Dean’s stomach. He takes his time with licking Dean clean, not minding the not-quite-bitter tang of his come and the salt of his sweat. Half the fun is the way Dean’s stomach twitches and moves under his tongue.

When he’s done, Castiel looks up to find Dean staring at him. It’s part a look of wonder and partly dazed. Is he still floating from his orgasm? How adorable. Castiel loves that look and he leans down to kiss him before he can stop himself. Short, but sweet and as perfect an ending to this as he’s going to get. Dean is likely sore and tired now. He’s probably going to want to sleep and he likely isn’t going to want Castiel to be around for that – or rather, Dean’s never asked him for that before.

Besides that, dinner still needs to be cooked. Castiel can take care of that while Dean rests. In deference to Sam, Castiel tries not to wander around the apartment naked when it’s just him and Dean. Which means he’s going to need his clothing for that. But when he gets to his feet to start picking them out from Dean’s, a hand catches him around the wrist. Castiel stares at it for the moment he has before Dean gives it a tug.

At first, Castiel hesitates – and then his brain catches up and he slides back into place next to Dean on the bed. Are they really going to cuddle and kiss now? He had been hoping, but he couldn’t dare bring himself to ask. Either way, _this_ is the best possible outcome. Castiel snuggles as close as he can get as Dean hooks his leg over his own, tangling them together. They’re both mindful of his knee while they get comfortable – which involves Dean leaning into his chest and Castiel running his hands up and down his sides and back.

Of course, all of this comes with kisses. Dean’s teeth catch his bottom lip in a soft bite and his tongue soothes it after wards. He runs a hand through Castiel’s hair and touches him all over. Castiel closes his eyes and sighs happily into the familiar push-pull of after-sex kisses. If only they could do this after _every_ time that they’re intimate together. In fact, nothing would beat being able to do this when there’s no sex involved at all. Just having that as an _option_ would complete Castiel’s life. Because that – that would mean this really _is_ more than just sex between him and Dean.

And that – that is something Castiel knows he could only ever wish for. But what a sweet wish it is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warnings:_
>
>> \- blow job(s)  
> \- rimming  
> \- anal fingering  
> \- anal sex  
> \- bottom!Dean


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It takes another block of constant knocking and Gabriel drumming his fingers on the steering wheel before he comes to a decision. “Dean’s a mechanic, isn’t he?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter content warnings are at the end of chapter. Please click the link below to see them.**
> 
> This chapter takes place during [Chapter Eight](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4383855) of the A Little Patience story line.

Maybe Dean thought he wouldn’t notice, but Castiel has. He has most _definitely_ noticed. There has been something _off_ about Dean for the last few days. It’s been half a week since the party with his Taekwondo companions. And ever since the morning after, Dean has been acting weird in a many different ways. If he’s not somewhat _avoiding_ Castiel, then Dean can’t seem to be able to keep his hands off him. It’s almost as though he’s being _needy_ – for whatever reason.

Dean isn’t usually on him _every_ time they’re alone. But this week Dean is stealing kisses whenever and wherever he can. Touches and kisses abound far more than what Castiel is used to. It is rather, well, it’s very _concerning_. Unfortunately there is little room for worries on days like today – on days when Dean drags him to the bedroom not even five minutes after Sam has left for work. And there is little room for complaining about it (not that Castiel ever would) when he is on the receiving end of a truly _spectacular_ blow job with an orgasm that is very near to perfection.

And the strangeness just keeps happening. Never, in all the times that they’ve been together like this, has Dean ever tried to strike up _conversation_ while Castiel is returning the favour. But here he is, being _weird_ again while Castiel is very occupied. He’s working his fingers into Dean, which is now a staple of the experience whenever he gives a blow job. Castiel quite literally has Dean’s erection _in his mouth_ when Dean starts asking questions that have no business being asked right now.

“So, how often are you seeing that Kali chick?”

The question is so unexpected that Castiel makes a small noise of surprise as he regretfully lifts his head. He looks Dean in the eye, both eyebrows raised incredulously. “Are you honestly making conversation right _now_ , Dean?”

It’s almost impossible to tell that Dean’s flush deepens. “I know, I know. It just –” He flexes around the two fingers Castiel has yet to pull out of him, hips squirming slightly. “It kinda, y’know, occurred to me that we should both get checked again soon since we’re both out with other –”

Dean cuts himself off as Castiel pulls his fingers out and gets his knees under him. If he had been aroused right now, having _that_ brought up would have had a strong chance of ending it. Castiel fights back a frown, hating the reminder that Dean has been with other people. But he’s confused too. Why would Dean think he’s been with other people? And why in the world would he bring up _Kali_ of all people right now? Something is going on here and Dean’s sexual satisfaction is going to have to wait until Castiel has it all figured out.

He sighs and plants his hands beside Dean’s hips, leaning over him somewhat. “Dean, I haven’t been with anyone else but you.” That should be the first thing cleared up. The rest will come soon.

Sure enough, confusion flickers over Dean’s expression. Did he seriously think that Castiel was with anyone else? Let alone thinking that he’s even capable of that? “But you and the sugar mama with the red car –”

And that would be why he mentioned Kali. Castiel’s eyebrows draw together with his frown. “I told you, that was Kali.” Oh, wait. Maybe – “You _do_ remember my mentioning that she’s Gabriel’s girlfriend, don’t you?” He has the strong suspicion that Dean doesn’t.

 _There’s_ the realization. It’s clear as day on Dean’s face. His eyes go wide and his mouth opens slightly. He closes it for a moment before quietly asking another question that, again, has no relevance to the moment at hand. “But last week – the morning after your Taekwondo dinner things –”

Any irritation that Castiel had with this pointless questions is quickly turning into finding Dean exceptionally adorable. “She drove me home.” He explains as he leans down to gently kiss Dean’s stomach, just above his navel. “My ride ended up getting too drunk and no one else was heading this way to split a taxi with me.”

Castiel drops another kiss, this time higher up towards his solar plexus. Everything he’s explain now seemed fairly obvious on the weekend, but maybe Dean didn’t see it that way. What was he seeing instead then? He decides to remind Dean about other facts of the night after placing another kiss at the bottom of his ribs.

“I left my cards here and I didn’t have enough cash on me for one.” He glances up at Dean momentarily, just to see if he’s going to stop him from kissing higher. “The restaurant was close to Gabriel’s new apartment with Kali. They let me spend the night on their couch.” Castiel reaches one of Dean’s nipples and he flicks his tongue across it. “Kali dropped me off on her way to work since it was closer for her than it would be for Gabriel.” Not to mention that Gabriel was still very much _sleeping_ at that point.

“But she ki–” Dean breaks off with a groan. Without thinking, Castiel fits his mouth to Dean’s nipple and sucks. It’s just a quick little pull, but it’s just the way Dean likes it. His timing could have been better though, but he didn’t need to hear anything more to _finally_ understand what has been eating at Dean for the majority of this week.

Has Dean been acting like this because he’s _jealous_? What other reason would he have for bringing up the fact that he apparently saw a kiss? Liquid heat pools in Castiel’s chest and his heart flutters like a thousand trapped butterflies. He looks up at Dean again, hopeful. Jealousy means Dean cares, right? There should be nothing to be jealous about if they were _just_ fuck buddies like they’re supposed to be. Castiel tries to ask the question with his eyes. He knows that asking it with words would have the opposite effect and Dean would likely push him away.

His unasked question has no answer forthcoming. Dean bites his bottom lip and looks away, his eyes closing tightly. He doesn’t want to see the question being asked. Castiel sighs and lowers his head to place a kiss over Dean’s heart. Disappointment mingles with the heat, but his hope won’t let it die completely. This one moment is giving him more hope than all the intimate moments that he’s shared with Dean until now. And as loathe as Castiel is to let it go, he’ll let it pass for now for Dean’s sake.

“She kissed me on the _cheek_ and told me not to be such a stranger with them.” Castiel explains what happened as a distraction for Dean from this moment. “Apparently Gabriel misses me.”

Dean sighs through his nose and Castiel wants to believe that it sounds distinctly _relieved_. The hands that drift over his shoulders seem more confident than desperate – different than how they have been all week. He hums against Dean’s skin, pleased with this turn of events. For now he’ll keep it close to his chest, but he’ll still show his delight with this new nugget of knowledge he’s received.

To do so, Castiel quickly kisses his way up to Dean’s throat. There’s just something so immensely satisfying about being able to press his tongue to Dean’s skin and _feel_ the rushing pound of his pulse. As exhilarating as that is, Castiel doesn’t stay there long. He has an urge to taste Dean’s kisses again and he continues working his way up to his ultimate goal. Castiel isn’t expecting Dean to groan low in his throat and turn into the kiss as enthusiastically as he does. His fingers curl in Castiel’s hair with a tight grip, as though he were holding on for all that he’s worth.

Concern flares to life in the forefront of Castiel’s mind when he notices that Dean seems to be gasping into the kissing more than usual. Is he having trouble breathing? He’s about to pull back and check on him when Dean breaks the kisses on his own. His arms stay locked around Castiel’s shoulders, hugging him tightly as he hides his face against the side of Castiel’s throat. Is it his imagination, or are Dean’s hands shaking slightly? It’s hard to tell when his fingertips are pressing hard into Castiel’s skin.

Another groan rumbles against his skin. It’s a desperate one he’s heard before – one that Dean makes when he wants his orgasm. Is that why he’s clinging to him? Castiel could understand that if he really wants to come. Dean tends to get pushy when it’s taking too long – evidenced by how he rolls them until he is kneeling over Castiel’s stomach. But this feels different from usual. Dean won’t look him in the eye while he takes Castiel’s hand in his and start guiding it to his erection.

Instructions aren’t necessary at this point. He is well aware of what Dean wants right now. Castiel watches, fascinated, as Dean’s hips start moving almost immediately, thrusting into the curl of his fist. He could watch Dean do this forever, but the frown creasing Dean’s forehead gives him cause for worry. What hope Castiel was feeling earlier is turning into a molten ball of worry behind his ribs.

Again, he doesn’t expect Dean to start conversation in the middle of things. “You could’ve called me.”

Castiel can’t stop himself from smiling. He’s _still_ upset about that? It’s adorable, really. “It was after one AM, Dean. I didn’t want to wake you.”

Dean folds over until his forehead touches Castiel’s. His eyes are screwed shut again and each breath is coming on a gasp. He must be close. Castiel knows just the thing to help with that and he twists to start slipping his other hand back between Dean’s legs.

“I don’t care what time it is, Cas. If you – _Jesus_ –” He cuts off as Castiel’s grip tightens on his erection. In the same moment, the pad of his fingers rubs over Dean’s hole, making his hips jerk in surprise. Despite that, Dean is apparently adamant to continue the argument they were having about this last week and he continues speaking through gritted teeth. “If you ever need a ride, Cas, you call me. I –” His breathing hitches with a gasp. “I’ll come get you.”

To emphasize his point, Dean opens his eyes to stare Castiel down. For a moment, he looks like he’s been caught off guard. Was he unaware of how close they were? Somehow he still manages to open his mouth and finish speaking. “Anywhere. Anytime.”

The conviction in Dean’s voice is surprising – and it makes Castiel melt inside. In his own way, Dean cares.  He _cares_ and he was _jealous_ and this is the best day ever. Castiel tilts his chin up, wordlessly asking for a kiss. Without a thought, Dean drops into it with a sigh. This is a well-known dance between them and Castiel never wants it to end. Which is why he kisses Dean through his orgasm and long after, regardless of the sticky mess on his hand and stomach.

By then, Dean is a nothing more than a limp and nearly useless pile of skin and bones. He hums and rumbles please moans in between each kiss.  Somehow he still finds the energy to trace his fingers light and teasing across Castiel’s sides and up his arms. Dean curves into him like he’s grounding himself in Castiel’s body and it is _wonderful_. It is the absolute closest to perfection that can be achieved in this moment – short of Castiel saying something that might shatter this. The last person he would ever let ruin this moment is himself.

But he does have plenty of things to think about now – _after_ this, of course.

*

Yesterday still lingers on Castiel’s mind despite hardly being awake. His hair is still damp and his towels keep slipping on his shoulders and his hips as he trudges from the bathroom to his bed. Sam’s door is open a crack and he can hear charged up battle music and the crash of swords from a video game. The only reason he actually knows it’s a game is because Sam mentioned several times how pleased he is that the laptop he got for his birthday is powerful enough that he can actually _play_ games now. Castiel has no idea what _Steam_ is, but apparently Sam’s laptop runs it wonderfully.

Castiel is in the midst of contemplating pouring himself a cup of coffee when his phone rings. He winces at the piercing shrill as he unplugs the charger and makes a note to change the ringtone. Answering it is both a blessing and a curse. The ringing ends, but now he needs to string together actual words without having caffeine in his veins. Thankfully, it’s Gabriel’s name on the call display and that means he might be able to get away with not having to speak any words at all.

“Good morning, baby bro!” Gabriel doesn’t even give Castiel the chance to speak when the line picks up. “Have you had your morning coffee yet?” A half-second of silence is apparently answer enough. “It’s nearly _noon_ , you know that right? Make sure you have some before I pick you up! I’m leaving right now to come and get you.”

Groaning, Castiel pulls the phone away from his face to squint at the time on it. Damn. He thought he had more than that. With a sigh, he puts the phone back to his ear. “I’ll be ready.”

“You better be!” Gabriel laughs and Castiel can hear an engine revving in the background. “You know how I hate to wait.”

He knuckles at his eyes and muffles another yawn. “I’ll be ready, Gabriel. Don’t worry.”

“Good. See you soon!”

Castiel hangs up without saying goodbye. He stretches his arms above his head until his back pops pleasingly. The towel draped across his shoulders falls to the floor and Castiel very nearly drops the one around his hips before he remembers what he should do first. “Sam!”

“Yeah?” His voice is muffled through the door of his bedroom, but Castiel can hear the game pause.

“Don’t come out of your room. I’m going to be naked!”

Sam laughs and the sound of the game starts up again. “Thanks for the warning!”

Although he fully trusts Sam not to peek or anything, Castiel still rushes to get dressed. To the point that he almost puts his pants on backwards. As soon as he’s finished getting dressed, Castiel pours himself a mug of coffee from what Dean prepared before he left for work this morning. It’s cold by now and he puts it in the microwave to warm up while he hangs his towels in the bathroom. He mentally checks off everything that he needs to remember for this morning.

Teeth? Check, done while he was trying after the shower. Deodorant? Check, done at the same time. Coffee? Ready and will be consumed before he leaves the apartment. Wallet? In his bag. Phone? Still on the nightstand.

Castiel grabs his coffee from the microwave, using a cloth to protect his hand. It was only in there for a minute, but he doesn’t want to risk a burn. Their microwave can be a little temperamental about that. While he drains the mug, he transfers his phone to his bag. As a last minute decision, he also adds his laptop, a notebook, and the folder he keeps his class handouts in.

Now that classes have started and he has homework again, he’s never going to go anywhere without all the things that he needs to study on the spot. Thankfully his laptop is lightweight enough for it not to be a problem to carry around with him. Today is the one day off during the week – not including weekends – where he doesn’t have any classes. Castiel specifically arranged his schedule so that he would have one day off for no reason other than it’s nice not to _have_ to get up for a certain time.

That’s the whole reason he slept in today. He stayed up later than usual last night to study _just_ so he justify sleeping in this morning. Granted, he’s not used to sleeping in and it has left him a little groggier than usual. Castiel was so head-fogged this morning that he even forgot to bring a change of clothes with him before heading to his shower. And now he’s set to spend a good few hours with Gabriel. This one cup of coffee is not going to be enough for that.

“Sam, I’m finished.” Castiel calls up the hall as he moves his bag to the front door. He has a few minutes to finish cleaning up his bed before he should head downstairs to wait for Gabriel.

“Cool, thanks!” Sam shouts back, though the sound of his game doesn’t stop.

To Castiel’s knowledge, he plans to play the game until Jess calls him after she’s finished work. They’re going to be spending the rest of the day together and Castiel has been invited to join them after his outing with Gabriel if he wants to. Which, actually, he would. He would like for the two of them to come over and hang out with him and Dean, just so he doesn’t have to pick between spending time with them and spending time with Dean. It’s terrible of him, but Castiel knows who he would choose.

Once his bed is fully made and everything, Castiel gets his coat from the closet out of habit rather than need. Even though Sam might not respond, he still calls out into the apartment. “I’m heading out now.”

He starts in surprise when Sam comes around the corner of the hall not more than a moment later. “You’re going to lunch with Gabriel, right?”

Castiel nods and slings his bag over his shoulder. “He has work on Saturday and won’t be able to make the competition. So this is his attempt to make up for it.”

“Well, you’ll have us. That’s just as good, huh?” Sam grins and raises his eyebrows in a teasing gesture.

Laughing, he nods again. This is the first time he’ll have _friends_ attending a competition. Hopefully they won’t be any kind of a distraction to him. And, of course, Castiel is going to have to do his absolute best so that he won’t be letting them down in any way. Particularly since this will be the first time that any of them see him do Taekwondo. Though he refuses to even admit it to himself, Castiel _really_ wants to impress them – and especially Dean.

Sam waves Castiel off at the door and locks it behind him. He can hear the bolt fall into place even half way down the hall. At least he doesn’t seem to be in the habit of putting the chain over the lock like Castiel is. Granted, that’s so _Sam_ can’t walk in on him and Dean doing anything that Dean doesn’t want him to know about. That still stings a bit, to be honest. Castiel isn’t all that fond of the fact that Dean thinks what they share should be something kept _hidden_ – but it’s better than nothing.

By the time Castiel makes it downstairs, he only has time to check the mailbox and read over the first page of his handouts before Gabriel arrives. It’s a nice enough day that he’s standing outside on the sidewalk and leaning against the side of the building. Gabriel gets his attention with a sharp honk of the horn. He’s actually on the other side of the street, having apparently been coming from the other direction, it seems.

After checking both ways, Castiel runs across the road and around to the passenger side. He raises his eyebrows at Gabriel as he slides onto the seat. “I’m surprised that Kali let you borrow her car.”

“She said I should take you out in style.” Gabriel flashes a grin at him as he puts the car into drive. “So I dropped her off at work.” And that would explain why he was coming from the opposite direction than expected – though that was never mentioned to him.

They pull out into traffic and Gabriel makes a grand gesture out the front window. “I hope you’re ready for an exciting trip through lunch hour traffic followed by some of the most delicious sushi this side of the Pacific Ocean!”

Castiel rolls his eyes and settles back in his seat with a smile. “That sounds delicious.”

“It’s gonna be.” Gabriel nods to accentuate his point. “I’m taking you to that fancy place where they do all that fancy flipping shit right on the grill in front of you.”

“Does that count as sushi? I don’t think they –”

He gets interrupted by a finger being waved in his face. “You can _order_ sushi there. It’s just some of their menu can be cooked on that fancy grill. We’re going to have dinner and a show and you’re going to like it. No nitpicking, got it?”

Another laugh bubbles up in Castiel’s throat and he pushes Gabriel’s hand away. “Yes, yes. I get it.” He glances at him to flash a smile. “Thank you, Gabriel. I do appreciate this. I’ve never been to one of those restaurants before.”

“Duh!” The smile is returned in force, accompanied by waggling eyebrows that bring another laugh to Castiel’s lips. “Why do you think that’s where we’re going?”

“Hmm…” Castiel takes a moment to act like he’s thinking about. “I suppose one of the reason you could be taking me there is –” He pauses again before dropping his voice into a sickly saccharine register. “Is it because you’re the best big brother in the world?”

Gabriel sticks out his chest and straightens his shoulders to make himself appear taller, as if he were puffing up with pride. “Damn right I am!”

And it’s true. Castiel could ask for no one better to be his big brother. He’s very happy to have Gabriel in his life and he wouldn’t trade him for the world.

*

By all rights, no food should be _that_ delicious. Castiel’s ate until he was uncomfortable and he _still_ wants more. It was no home cooked meal as he’s used to with the Winchesters, and it’s not something that he would want to eat every day, but it was still _amazing_. He’s very tempted to take Jess, Sam, and Dean here sometime soon. But he knows without a doubt that Dean would hate having someone pay for his dinner and that this kind of restaurant would be well outside of his price range. It _is_ on the rather pricy side – to the point that even Castiel cringes at it. But he does have a much more frugal outlook on life than the rest of his family does (Gabriel included).

Speaking of which, Gabriel appears to be talking at the moment. Castiel should really be paying attention to him. “– fucked the blue unicorns.”

“ _Excuse_ me?” Castiel looks to him sharply. Apparently he missed _a lot_ while he was fighting off the urge to descend into a post-meal coma.

“Oh good, _now_ you’re paying attention to me.” Gabriel wiggles against the back of his chair, pleased with himself. “Now like I was _trying_ to ask before you stopped listening – Is there anywhere that you wanna go right now?”

He doesn’t need to know that Castiel hasn’t been listening _at all_. Without looking at him, Castiel shrugs and shakes his head. “I have no plans after this.”

Gabriel makes an interested noise and tightens his grip on the wheel. He falls into silence, likely to think about what they could possibly do with the rest of their afternoon. Castiel takes the chance to dig his cell phone out of his bag and check it. The chances that he’ll have missed a call or any messages is rather small, but he can’t help wanting to check it anyways – in the off chance that maybe Dean might have texted him in the last few hours.

A bubble of disappointment swells up under his ribs when he finds the screen blank. They haven’t spoken since they said their goodnights to each other yesterday. Usually Castiel would have been awake this morning and could have seen him off. Now he kind of curses having slept in. A part of him is very tempted to text Dean to see how he’s doing. Would he be on lunch break by now? Sometimes he doesn’t take it at his usual time for whatever reason.

With a sigh, Castiel scrolls past Dean’s name in his message history to look at the others. They’ll likely talk later at home, so he shouldn’t feel _too_ sad that they haven’t spoken yet. The disappointment in his belly melts into guilt when he comes across the messages from his Mother. He clicks those open and scrolls through them. Her last message was shortly after she landed in France last week to let him know that the flight went well and that she wants him to come with her next time to see the rest of his family who live out there.

Castiel never told her about his competition because he knew she would be in France when it would happen. Normally, she would be the first person after Gabriel that he would tell about it. Father being the last, if Mother didn’t tell him already. And since Mother doesn’t know about this weekend, then Father absolutely doesn’t either. Castiel never told him and he doesn’t plan to. He doesn’t want Father there – primarily because all of his friends are going to be there and he just _knows_ that Father would cause problems in some way.

Gabriel’s elbow catches him in the arm, jostling Castiel out of his thoughts. “Hey, how about some shopping? The mall isn’t too far from here.”

He looks at him, horrified and pleading. Shopping with Gabriel is the _worst_. Castiel is convinced that he takes after Mother in that regard. Neither one of them can go into a store without spending thirty minutes in there _at minimum_. And the mall is just a trap. Gabriel insists on browsing every store, whether he likes what they sell or not. Castiel is the opposite. He doesn’t _browse_. He walks in, finds what he wants within minutes, buys it, and leaves. There is no humming or hawing over which pair of shoes or shirt or pants is better than the other.

Rather than respond to the truly desperate _please-no_ look that Castiel is giving him, Gabriel chooses to lean over and look at his phone when they come to a stop at a red light. “Are you ignoring me so you can text with that boy toy crush of yours?”

The screen has since turned off, but Castiel still frowns. He turns to put his eyes on the road. Stopped or not, if Gabriel won’t watch traffic, then he will. “Please watch where you’re going.”

“We’re not _moving_ , Cassie.” Gabriel huffs and looks up to glare at him. “Stop texting everyone else and pay attention to _me_.”

“I’m not texting anyone.” Castiel holds his phone up to bring attention to how the screen is _off_. “I was just checking to see if I had any messages.”

With a derisive snort and an exaggerated roll of his eyes, Gabriel turns his attention back to the road and starts driving along with traffic again. “Don’t lie to me, baby bro. I know you were looking to see if you had any messages from _Dean_.”

He narrows his eyes and dips his voice into a daring tone. This is entering the borders of a kind of conversation he does _not_ enjoy having. “Is that a problem, Gabriel?”

Whether or not Gabriel notices the tone of his voice remains to be seen as he nearly literally waltzes right into the conversation Castiel _hates_. “You could do better.”

A cold chill sweeps up Castiel’s spine and any semblance of his good mood after lunch is starting to dry up. “If you start insulting Dean again, then pull this car over and I’ll find my own way home from here.”

“Don’t be like that, Cassie.” Gabriel gives him a pleading look.

“Then _you_ don’t be like _that_.” Castiel hisses, slouching in his seat and turning his glare out the front window. “How would you like it if I started saying mean things about Kali?”

Gabriel actually has the audacity to laugh. “You wouldn’t. You’re too nice to do something like that. Besides, Kali is perfect and you know it.” He turns his head to stick his tongue out at Castiel – which he only manages to see out of the corner of his eye.

If Gabriel had kept his eyes on the road, he might have seen the rather large pothole ahead of them. And if Gabriel hadn’t just upset him in one of the easiest ways to do so, Castiel might have deigned to warn him about it. But he’s annoyed and bitter. And it is in no way _his_ fault if Gabriel is driving Kali’s expensive car and not looking where he’s going.

The jolt of them going over the pothole startles them both and Gabriel nearly slams on the breaks. “Holy _shit_. What the hell was that?”

“A pothole.” Castiel shrugs and puts his phone away. He crosses his arms over his chest and turns his glare back to him. “You better hope that doesn’t knock anything loose under the hood. Imagine how upset Kali will be if you mess up her car.”

“Don’t even _joke_ about that, Cassie.” Gabriel looks panicked and it’s more satisfying that it has any right being. “She would fucking _kill_ me.” They get exactly one block before the knocking starts and Gabriel turns an absolutely horrified look on him. “I’m dead.”

With a hum, Castiel takes his phone out of his bag again and thumbs it open. “I’m texting Kali to tell her that you broke her car.” He starts tapping at the screen as if he really were going to follow through on that threat, if only to make Gabriel sweat a little.

“It was the fucking road, Cassie, not me!” Gabriel starts shifting in his seat, pushing himself up as if that might help him see the problem under the hood. “Don’t you dare text her. I’m going to get this taken care of and she won’t be able to tell anything ever happened to it.”

Now _this_ Castiel has to see. “How, pray tell, are you going to do that? You’ve never so much as looked under the hood of a car before.”

It takes another block of constant knocking and Gabriel drumming his fingers on the steering wheel before he comes to a decision. “Dean’s a mechanic, isn’t he?”

He has _got_ to be joking. “Are you really trying to tell me that after you just tried insinuate that he’s _not good enough_ for me, you’re going to _exploit_ him to keep your hide out of trouble?”

Gabriel grumbles under his breath before forcing a smile. “Look at it this way – if he can fix whatever the hell happened, then he’ll be putting himself into my good books. I might even _approve_ of him after this.”

Of course Castiel doesn’t believe him, but he’s also not able to hold a grudge this long. Gabriel needs help and Dean _can_ fix it. Not to mention that Gabriel has a very good argument there. Dean could prove just how good he is – how good Castiel _knows_ he is. He makes sure to exaggerate his sigh as he inputs Dean’s work address into the map app on his phone.

“Turn left at the next lights.”

“I love you little bro.”

Castiel frowns at him. “You had _better_ be nice to him.”

“Cross my heart!” Gabriel draws an ‘x’ on his chest – which turns out to be completely pointless shortly after they arrive at the garage.

When they pull into the parking lot, Gabriel immediately parks the car and points to the front door. “Go inside and get him to come out and look at it. He likes you. He’ll listen to you.”

“He would like you too if you weren’t such an ass all the time.” Castiel makes a face at him as he gets out of the car. “I’ll be right back.”

He heads into the customer entrance of the garage. A few people are waiting the lobby, but no one is standing at the service desk. A young woman that Castiel would place at his age or a little older is sitting at a computer, typing slowly. The nametag on her shirt reads _Jo_. She glances up with a smile when Castiel steps up. “Good afternoon! How can I help you?”

Castiel glances towards the door that clearly leads into the garage. The wall behind the girl is mostly windows and he can see straight through to the cars and workers on the other side. “I’m – Is Dean Winchester busy? I need to speak with him.”

She laughs and rolls her eyes. “Knowing him? Probably not.” Jo stands up and turns to look through the window too. “I’d bet ten bucks that he’s bugging Benny about his secret new job.” She turns back and shakes her head. “But we don’t usually let the employees take visitors during working hours unless it’s an emergency or something.”

He chews on his bottom lip in thought for a moment. “I don’t suppose an exception would be made for such things like roommates?”

Surprise fills Jo’s face and it’s quickly replaced with a smile. “ _You’re_ Cas?”

“I am.” Castiel nods and tries to fight back the urge to blush. “My brother is having car trouble and we were hoping that Dean might be free to look at it.”

“Well, now. That’s a whole different story!” Jo laughs and drops back into her chair. “Let me call him up to the desk, okay? I’ll make an exception for this, but you can’t go spreading it around. Okay?”

He nods again, this time with a bright smile. “Thank you. I’ll be waiting for him outside.”

“Sure thing, cutie.” She winks at him as she picks up the phone.

Castiel takes that moment to escape, a blush already rising on the back of his throat. He leaves the office just as Jo’s voice comes over the loudspeaker; “Dean Winchester to the front desk. Dean Winchester, you’ve got visitors!”

As soon as he approaches the car again, Gabriel rolls down the window and leans over to look out at him. “So, did you get him?”

“He’s being paged. She wouldn’t have called him if I wasn’t his roommate, you know?” He sticks his hands in his pockets and does his best to be nonchalant. “Look how beneficial it is for you that I’m friends with –”

“Yes, yes, I _get it_.” Gabriel groans and sits back in his seat. “I told you, didn’t I? I’ll be on my best behaviour.” He makes the ‘x’ over his chest again and then pauses. “As long as _he_ isn’t an ass first. After that, I gotta stand up for myself, y’know?”

Of course he would say that. Castiel sighs and rolls his eyes – and that’s when he notices him. Dean is crossing the parking lot towards them and he’s _smiling_. It’s the kind of smile that causes Castiel’s pulse to race, thudding against his ribs. It’s happy and bright and so very contagious. Without realizing it, Castiel is already smiling himself. Nothing makes him happier than getting to see Dean – except for getting to see Dean _smile_.

That old familiar itch to take a picture of Dean’s smile builds in the back of his mind, but Castiel ignores it in favour of watching the first interaction Gabriel and Dean are going to have in a while. He expects this to bomb spectacularly. There’s no way Gabriel is going to be able to keep his promise. Dean is going to tease him about something and all Hell is going to break loose after that.

Gabriel gets out of the car as soon as he notices Dean through the windshield. “Hey loverboy! Long time no see.” Castiel immediately winces and bites back a sigh. “Cassie tells me you’re all sorts of handy with everything automotive. How true is that?”

Heat burns Castiel’s cheeks at that. He _has_ toted that Dean is a wonderful mechanic, but he didn’t expect Gabriel to point that out. Now Dean knows that Castiel talks about him when he’s not there – although it’s only ever good things. But _still_. He drops his eyes to the tires of the car to avoid looking at either of them. Castiel doesn’t want to see Dean’s reaction to those words and he absolutely does not want to see how smug Gabriel is going to be.

“Yeah, I’m good enough, I guess.” Dean voice sounds proud and Castiel chances a peek just to see him shrug and glance down at the car. “What’d you do to Kali’s car?” Of course he remembers who this belongs to especially after last weekend.

“How the heck am I supposed to know?” Gabriel shrugs and makes a sharp gesture at the car. “It just started making a clunking noise after we left the restaurant.” He gives Castiel an equally sharp look, eyes narrowed over the hood of the car while Dean isn’t looking. “And before you ask, _no_ , I didn’t hit any curbs or shit.”

That is a blatant lie and quite obviously Gabriel’s attempt at limiting the amount of people who could tell Kali that he wasn’t watching the road while he was driving _her_ car. Castiel should correct him, but not while Gabriel is here. He still needs a ride home afterwards, doesn’t he? Though, it wouldn’t be too much trouble if he was abandoned here. Castiel could easily get a ride home with Dean. And that does seem like a good idea, actually. He’ll have to consider that more.

“That’s not the question I was thinking of.” Dean laughs, a grin pulling up his lips as he knocks on the hood of the car. “More like; do you need a booster seat to see over the steering wheel?”

A snort of laughter manages to escape before Castiel catches himself. Honestly, Gabriel isn’t _that_ short. He’s just a couple inches shorter than Castiel. But Castiel is a few inches shorter than Dean and Dean is a few shorter than Sam. So compared to the Winchester Giants, of course Gabriel would appear much shorter than he does to Castiel.

He looks away quickly when Gabriel turns a glare on him. “Maybe you should wait inside, Cassie. You’ve got stuff you could be reading, don’t you?”

That’s a dismissal if ever he heard one. Castiel turns a glare back on him. “Of course. That would be preferable to listening to you two make barbed commentary at each other.” He rolls his eyes and walks past the both of them. “Let me know when you actually get any work done.” And hopefully Gabriel will get the point that Castiel’s irritation is in regards to how he broke his promise with that _loverboy_ comment – which _definitely_ came before anything Dean did.

Jo is still sitting at the desk when Castiel walks back into the office. The few people sitting in the lobby are reading magazines or playing on their phones. Neither of them even glance up when Castiel walks in or even when Benny comes through the door leading into the garage.

“Hey, Cas. Long time no see.” Benny lifts a hand in a wave. “How you doing, brother?”

Castiel shrugs, using the motion to hike his bag up higher on his shoulder. “No different than normal. Summer classes, living with the Winchester – the usual. I heard you got a second job. How is that working for you?”

“Y’heard that, did you?” Benny glances out the door towards Dean, eyebrow raised. “He’s not trying to get you to get that outta me, is he?”

“I didn’t hear it from him.” Of course, he’s not going to point fingers at Jo, though she does glance at him. “And even if you did tell me, if it was said in confidence than I wouldn’t tell Dean at all. I’m told I am very trustworthy.”

That earns him a laugh and a hearty clap on the shoulder. “I’ll take your word for that, Cas. But the job’s been okay. I mostly work nights there just to earn some extra cash.” He leans his hip against the counter and crosses his arms over his chest. “It’s just for a while so I can save up to get my girl a nice ring and give her the big wedding she’s been dreaming of.”

A butterfly of heat flutters around Castiel’s heart and he can’t help but smile. “That’s very romantic of you, Benny. I’m sure she’s going to love it.”

“I know she will.” His grin turns soft. “Pretty sure she suspects that’s why I took on the second job. But she’s taken up extra shifts at the hospital too and I think that’s her way of saving up. No way she’s gonna let me pay for everything.”

Castiel’s fingers curl in his coat. Benny sounds so in love. It’s envious, really. What he wouldn’t do to have someone – to have _Dean_ – talk about him with such fondness in his voice. Will that ever be in the cards for him? It would be nice if it were. It would be even nicer if it would be in the future for him _and_ Dean. Though he doubts that it will happen. How often does it ever work out with your first love?

“You’ve got that wistful look goin’ on there, brother.” Benny puts a hand on Castiel’s shoulder and gives it a squeeze. “Don’t tell me you’re thinking about proposing to the love of your life too.”

He throws his head back with a laugh, like he just made the funniest joke in the world. But Castiel can’t manage more than a couple huffs that barely resemble laughter. With a great deal of effort, he forces himself not to think about what it would be like to be going out with Dean to the point that either of them would consider marriage. That’s more than his heart can take right now – or likely ever.

“Damn, Dean’s lucky.” Benny cuts through Castiel’s thoughts. His gaze is directed out the window and Castiel turns to look with him. All he sees is Dean getting out of Kali’s car. “He got to drive a _Porsche_. We don’t get fancy cars like that here too often. It’s always a treat to give it a whirl around the lot.”

After Dean finishes with looking under the hood of the car, he ducks back in through the driver’s door to turn it off and give the keys back to Gabriel. Castiel would watch more, but Benny grabs him by the shoulder and pulls him a step closer. He leans forward until his mouth is next to Castiel’s ear as he takes his hand to shake. But it’s more than just a shake. Castiel can feel a business card being pressed into his palm. As soon as Benny steps back again, he looks down at it.

The card is all black with fancy red and white script. Castiel has never heard of the store before, but it sounds like some kind of toy store. The tag line running along the bottom of the card underneath the address and contact number makes him think it’s not the kind of _toy store_ that one would take children to. The tagline reads; _We’ve got the supplies for your nighttime playtime_ and the logo itself includes the words _Grown-Up Novelties_. There’s only one kind of after hours playtime that Castiel can think of and he looks up at Benny with wide eyes, hoping for some kind of confirmation. He rarely gets these things right on the first try and he can’t possibly be correct about _this_.

“You should come visit some time.” Benny winks at him, his voice little more than a whisper. “I can hook you up with some fun stuff to spice things up in your private life.”

Castiel has absolutely no control over the blush that burns under his skin. He tries to control it, but he absolutely cannot. Why would Benny give him something like this? Why would he even think that Castiel would need something to _spice things up_? Does Benny know what he and Dean do together? Is he implying that Castiel should purchase something from his new job to _spice things up with Dean_? This is –he can’t – what? Why? There are so many questions piling up in his head and none of them make it out.

Benny laughs and ducks back into the garage seconds before the door chime rings. Dean and Gabriel walk in and Castiel tries not to be obvious about it as he puts his hands back in his pockets to hide the business card. Benny might not have specifically stated that this is confidential, but Castiel is going to treat it as such.

“Did that bear hit on you, Cassie?” Gabriel’s voice is pitched with concern as he steps up next to him, a frown pulling his expression down.

“No, Gabriel, he didn’t.” He ducks his head and avoids looking anyone in the face. He might crack if they look at him right. And he’s a terrible liar if he’s looking someone in the eye. “He made a rather racy joke that caught me by surprise.” Okay, it’s partially true, but they don’t need to know that.

He hears Gabriel open his mouth, but it’s Dean who speaks next as he walks past them both. “My break is long over, guys. I’ve gotta get back to work.” Castiel looks up as Dean pauses at the door and waves over his shoulder at them. “See you later, Cas.”

“Of course.” He waves back, forcing a small smile through his blush. It’s a pity that they didn’t get to see each other more right now. But Dean _is_ at work, after all. He does feel a little bad that Dean was apparently on break when they called him and they made him waste it doing work.

Dean’s wave stops short when Gabriel calls after him; “Don’t go tripping over any more toolboxes, loverboy!” That earns him the middle finger from Dean before he passes through the door.

Castiel immediately reaches over and punches Gabriel in the shoulder. “You’re an idiot.”

“Ow!” Gabriel rubs his shoulder and directs a pout at him. “What did I do? I was just being _concerned_ for his wellbeing, Cassie! You’re the one who told me about it in the first place.”

“I was _concerned_ about him.” He hisses and turns away towards the lobby. It’s set aside from the desk area by a half wall covered in potted plants. “I didn’t tell you that so you could make fun of him with it.” If Gabriel is going to make an appointment for the car, then he’s not going to have any part of it. He’ll wait in the lobby or go outside and sit in the sun for a while.

The chairs are surprisingly more comfortable than Castiel thought they were and he stays where he sits in the corner. He stares at his phone for a few minutes, wondering if it would be appropriate for him to text an apology to Dean for taking up his break and forcing him to spend time with Gabriel. Castiel even opens up his messaging app and starts typing out a message. But he erases it and rewrites it a total of three times before Gabriel comes over and kicks his foot.

“C’mon, baby bro. We’re going for dessert.”

Castiel closes the app without sending the message. “We just ate.”

“Yeah, but we didn’t have _dessert_.” Gabriel jerks his thumb over his shoulder. “According to the desk girl, her mom owns a place around the corner and we should go waste time there while we wait for your boy toy to fix up whatever broke.”

“They look busy. How did you manage to get your car in so quickly?” He stands and narrows his eyes at Gabriel. “You didn’t bully your way into being next in line, did you?”

The innocent look Gabriel tries to give him is so false that Castiel is almost insulted that he tried using it. “Would I do that, Cassie? I didn’t have to do anything! We got moved up because we have you.” He elbows Castiel in the side as they leave the building. “It pays to have a cute little brother who’s actually _living_ with one of the mechanics. If you two were actually dating, I probably wouldn’t have had to use as much sweet talking as I did.”

He sighs loudly and lets Gabriel lead the way to the restaurant. It’s another place that Castiel has never heard of before, but he trusts that Jo wouldn’t send them to a rundown hole in the wall. Dean confirms that before they’ve even reached the place. Castiel’s phone buzzes with a text message from him. **_U NEED to try the pie & don’t let ur dick bro diss the food or I’ll tell Kali he fucked up her car_**

“Look.” Castiel turns the phone for Gabriel to see – after he makes sure that it’s the only thing showing on the screen. “Keep this in mind when we get there.”

Gabriel rolls his eyes and shoves his hand away. “Yeah, yeah. I get it.”

That’s what he said last time and Castiel believes him just as much as he did then.

*

“So, how was it?” Jo smiles up at them as she gets the paperwork Dean filled out about the car. “Mom makes a pretty mean pie, right? I figure Dean probably texted you to try that as soon as I told him that’s where you are. Am I right or am I right?”

“I enjoyed it a lot, thank you.” Castiel nods in agreement. Definitely one of the best pies he’s had. The bag in his hand weighs heavy and he can’t wait to give it to Dean. He’ll be delighted to find out that Castiel brought him back a slice of pie.

Gabriel nods in agreement, surprisingly. “They were pretty good. I’ll give it that.” His tone leads even Castiel to believe that there’s something more he wants to say on that matter. Sure enough, despite how Jo narrows her eyes in warning, Gabriel still continues. “Of course, they weren’t as good as _mine_.”

Jo’s lips draw into a tight line and she picks up the phone. Castiel kicks Gabriel in the shin, out of sight of Jo, as she hits the intercom button. “Dean Winchester to the front desk. _Now_. Your customers are back.”

Dean is there within moments and he reads the situation immediately. He puts both his hands on Jo’s shoulders as he stands behind. “What is it?” His eyes narrow on Gabriel specifically. “What did he say?”

“He said mom’s desserts weren’t as good as his.” Jo huffs loudly through her nose and drops her glare to the computer, fingers flying on the keyboard.

Castiel tries his best to look apologetic. He makes a mental note to ask Dean what he can do as an apology to Jo and her mother later. Though Gabriel has disobeyed Father at every turn of his life, he still so much like him in personality sometimes that it’s scary. He loves his big brother, but sometimes he gets under Castiel’s skin – just as every big brother likely does at some point.

“Those’re fighting words, Gabe.” Dean shakes his head slowly and pats Jo on the shoulder. “You better watch out. Jo has a knife collection and she knows how to use it.”

Gabriel doesn’t even look remotely phased by that, though he does put a hand to his chest. He pouts at Dean, eyes wide with the kind of faux hurt that Castiel is used to seeing from him – which causes him to roll his eyes and give Dean a look that hopefully _screams_ not to believe him. “I said the pastries weren’t quite on par to mine, but I _did_ give it a passing grade.”

“It was very good, Jo.” Castiel offers his own opinion softly, hoping that will break the tension building between Jo and them. She immediately smiles up at him, her shoulders relaxing. He’ll count that as a job well done and he takes the opportunity to change the subject immediately by turning to Dean. “When are you finished work today?”

Dean looks at the clock hanging on the wall by the door. “Another hour and a half.”

“Would it be alright if I stayed here and waited to get a ride home with you?” Castiel poses the question carefully, glancing between Dean and Jo.

Next to him, Gabriel makes a derisive noise while thumbing through his wallet for his credit card. “Cassie, don’t be ridiculous. You can’t wait here that long.”

He can and he will. “I have some studying and homework I could do while we wait.” It’s a good thing he brought his things with him. That’s some excellent foresight in his opinion. He shrugs and glances to Dean, hoping he’ll say something to convince Gabriel of this too. “Our apartment is in the opposite direction of yours. If I can get a ride home with Dean, then you don’t need to bother – and I’ll be studying either way.”

Although, Gabriel will have to pick up Kali too, won’t he? Unless she made alternate arrangements to get home. Castiel doesn’t know the rest of his plans. But he does know that right now it would be more beneficial for him to go home with Dean. And that would mean spending time with Dean earlier than he would if he had to wait for him to come home first.

Dean shrugs and runs a hand through his hair. “If you’re cool with a ninety minute wait, that’s fine with me. We’re cool with you hanging out in the lunchroom while we work. Right, Jo?”

She pauses while handing Gabriel his credit card and his receipt back. Jo looks to Castiel briefly before glancing over his shoulder at Dean. “Yeah, I don’t see anything wrong with it.”

Gabriel looks like he’s going to dispute it, but Castiel turns a hard look on him. His lips are pressed together in a thin line and he knows his expression is one just _begging_ him to disagree. After a moment, Gabriel just sighs and pockets the keys lying on the counter. “I know when I’m beat.”

Castiel follows him towards the door. “Thank you for lunch and dessert. Will I be seeing you again soon?” He _would_ like to spend more time with his brother, but preferably not in the vicinity of Dean. They’re apparently like oil and water and there’s nothing Castiel is ever going to be able to say or do to get them to get along with each other.

“Why don’t you come over for dinner with me and Kali next week?” Gabriel jingles the keys in his hand. “She can pick you upon her way home and –”

“That sound lovely.” He nods excitedly, pleased that they have plans now. “I’ll see you next week then.”

Gabriel gives him a grin. “Great. See you later, baby bro.” He pulls Castiel into a one armed hug. “And good luck with the competition this weekend. Kick some ass and take some names.”

“I’ll do my best. Drive safe and give Kali my regards.”

Castiel waves Gabriel off from the door. Normally he would have followed him out to the car to say goodbye there, but it wouldn’t do to make Dean wait any longer. He _is_ on the clock, after all. As soon as Gabriel is gone, Dean gestures for Castiel to follow him. There’s a walkway that cuts through the garage and Castiel very nearly walks into Dean a few times because he’s so busy watching everything happening around them.

The walkway leads to another hallway with a few different rooms off of it. They pass a room with lockers, and they pass the bathrooms. At the end there’s an open room with tables, a vending machine, and a full kitchen with _two_ microwaves. The room is currently empty, but Dean still picks one of the tables off to the side and pulls out one of the chairs for Castiel to sit.

He doesn’t let it go. Instead drumming his fingers on the back of it before asking a question that Castiel has the distinct feeling has been bugging him for well over an hour. “So, what joke did Benny tell you?”

Damn. Castiel had been hoping that Dean would never ask about that. He doesn’t _have_ a racy joke to use for this. Instead, he puts his bags on the table and starts unpacking his backpack. “I don’t remember it properly.” Or not at all, but Dean doesn’t need to know that – although his blush might be giving him away somewhat. He needs something to distract Dean from this topic – and he has just the thing.

“It doesn’t matter.” Castiel glances at the plastic bag from the restaurant. “Oh, here. I got you a slice of apple pie.” He picks it up and hands it over to Dean. This should be the perfect distraction for him.

For one brief moment, Dean stares at the bag in his hands. Then he’s all but dropping the bag on the table and hooking Castiel around the waist. He doesn’t think anything about where they are or who could see when Dean pulls him in for a kiss. It takes Castiel by surprise and he grips Dean’s arm tightly, a little confused noise getting muffled into the kiss. He makes no effort to pull away, despite how anyone could walk in on them now.

When Dean steps away, Castiel’s brain feels like it’s filled with fuzz. His blush is tingling through his cheeks now. He loathes the moment when Dean steps away from him, hands dropping. The room instantly feels colder without him pressed close. At least he’s not the only one who looks like he wants the kiss to continue. Dean is eyeing him the same way he does when they’re alone at home, expression full of want and fingers twitching.

Instead of grabbing Castiel for another kiss, Dean picks up the bag with the pie again. “Thanks, Cas. I’ll come get you when I’m finished.”

Castiel acknowledges him with a soft sound. By the time his head clears, he finds himself alone. It gives him the room to breathe and he sits slowly. After a couple deep breaths, he starts setting his stuff up again. His laptop is still booting up when Benny walks into the room. They don’t exchange anything besides a nod at each other and another wink from Benny as he makes his way to the fridge. Castiel ducks his head to hide his blush. The business card is weighing heavily in his pocket.

He’s almost completely absorbed by his studying when Benny calls out to him. “See ya next time, Cas! Stop by the shop some time.”

By the time Castiel turns around, he’s gone. All the questions he had before come stampeding back and he stares down at his homework for a solid five minutes thinking about them. Unless Dean has mentioned it, then Benny has no reason to believe that they’re more than just friends. This is very concerning and confusing and Castiel is going to have to investigate about this very soon. Either by contacting Benny himself or going to the store to talk to him about it.

Castiel hates it when confusing things happen. He’s not going to be able to leave this alone for too long.

*

“Hey, Einstein.” Dean laughs and taps Castiel on the back of the head, breaking him out of his studying reverie. “Time to go, smart stuff. Pack ‘er up.”

He finishes writing out his sentence before he looks up from his notebook, eyes going to the clock on his laptop screen. “Already?” Sure enough, an hour and a half has well passed.

“Yup, already.” Grinning, Dean slumps down into the chair next to him. “C’mon and let’s go home. Sammy’s probably waiting for us to go make dinner for him.”

Castiel doesn’t even bother powering down his laptop before he closes it. “Don’t you mean that _you_ will make dinner?” Since _he_ isn’t allowed to cook. Of course, if Dean really will let him help, he would be more than happy to do so.

Dean snorts a laugh and gets up as Castiel does. He pushes his chair back in while Castiel starts shoving things into his bag. When he pulls on his coat and shoulders his bag, he chances a glance at Dean. “Did you eat your pie already?”

“Yup, and Bobby lectured me about eating out on the floor.” He shrugs and grins. “And that’s just coz’ he was jealous that I had pie and he didn’t. I’ll buy him a slice next time and he’ll forget all about this little _incident_.”

Bobby is an enigma to Castiel. He doesn’t know too much about him aside from how he was a very close friend of the Winchester family prior to Dean’s parents’ death. Sam has referred to him as a pseudo-uncle once before and both brothers think of him highly. But aside from that, Castiel has never actually _met_ him. Even while being here at the garage for nearly two hours, he hasn’t seen him. He is almost tempted to ask if he can, but Bobby is likely busy if Dean hasn’t already brought him. Unless – maybe Dean doesn’t _want_ to introduce them? Now why would that be?

With a hand on his shoulder, Dean starts guiding Castiel out of the break room. “By the way, Bobby says ‘hi’. He’s got a shit ton of paperwork to do, otherwise he’d have come out to meet you.” He gives his shoulder a squeeze before stepping around him to lead the way out. “We’re going to have to set up a meeting or something some day because he’s heard all kinds of things about you.”

“All good, I hope.”

“ _Duh_.”

That pleases Castiel more than it should. It keeps him warm and toasty on the inside as they make their way back out to the parking lot. Along the way, Dean waves at a few of the other workers and Jo sees them out. Castiel assumes that everyone will be leaving soon too and are just wrapping things up. Although he’s never had a job of his own before, Gabriel has often come home later than the end of his shift if only because he was cleaning things up or had to explain things to the other employees.

The drive home is filled with conversation about how lunch with Gabriel went. Castiel goes into great detail about how the chef flipped food around the grill like he was controlling tiny acrobats at a circus. His description of it has Dean laughing and Castiel prides himself on the achievement.

“That sounds like a blast. Too bad it’s not in my budget and I’m not really into the fishy foods.” Dean sighs and flashes Castiel a grin. “Gimme a burger and a beer any day and I’m happy.”

“Gabriel would say that makes you a cheap date.” Castiel muffles a laugh under his hand. Hopefully mentioning his brother won’t irritate Dean. But he will have to file this away for future reference – just in case he ever does get the chance to take Dean out on a date.

Rather than being irritated, Dean just laughs. “I’m not gonna debate that. There’s nothing wrong with being one.” He tilts his head to give Castiel a sidelong look. “And what about you?”

“I don’t know.” Castiel looks down at his lap and how his hands are folded there. “I’ve never been on a date, so I don’t know what kind of date I would be.” It’s not exactly something that he tries to flaunt, but it’s also something that he’s a bit worried that Dean is going to tease him about.

Instead of teasing, Dean places his hand on Castiel’s knee and gives it a squeeze. “Your date will come someday, Cas. And whoever they are, they’re going to be one lucky son-of-a-bitch.”

He gives him a wide smile and it sets off a crescendo of _want_ in Castiel’s chest. What he wouldn’t give to date Dean. They very rarely go out together, and when they do it’s usually to the grocery store. Dean isn’t much one for eating out and, as far as Castiel knows, he only really does that when he goes out with friends. Dean also doesn’t go to the movies unless there’s something that he’s been waiting a long time for. And even then it’s usually with Sam and Jess. And that hasn’t happened yet since Castiel moved in. If it had, he’s sure that he would have been invited to.

That somewhat saddening train of thought comes to an abrupt halt when Castiel notices that Dean’s hand doesn’t leave his knee. In fact, it stays exactly where it is for the duration of the ride home, no matter how many one handed turns Dean has to make. There’s no need for Dean to leave it there, but Castiel definitely doesn’t complain about it. He welcomes it with a content sigh, leaning back in his seat comfortably. It’s moments like this that make him want to go for long drives down country roads in the sunshine, just him and Dean and the open world ahead of them.

His moment is over all too soon when they reach the parking garage under their building. Dean lets go of his leg so he has both hands on the steering wheel for control while maneuvering his precious car through the many poles and lines of cars in the parkade. Castiel misses the weight of Dean’s hand the whole time that they’re parking and make their way up to the apartment. Their shoulders brush when they stand side by side in the elevator and Castiel wishes he had the courage to hold Dean’s hand.

They reach their floor without incident and he regrets it with every step to their apartment door. But Sam slamming things around in his bedroom is a decent distraction and Castiel becomes less concerned with his cowardice and more with what’s going on. It doesn’t _sound_ angry, but rather more rushed than anything. But a note of worry still bubbles in his chest as he and Dean stand in the doorway and share a confused look between them.

Dean only gets a few feet into the apartment before Sam comes around the corner. He has his gym bag in his arms and he’s focused completely on zipping it closed. It doesn’t even look like he’s noticed that they’re there. Or rather, at least not until Dean speaks.

“Going somewhere, Sammy?”

Surprised, Sam comes to a short stop. His head pops up just as a blush fills his cheeks. He pushes his hair out of his eyes and does his best not to look embarrassed. “Uh, yeah. Jess’s roommates are both staying somewhere else tonight and she invited me over to keep her company.”

Castiel knows what that means – both for Sam and for himself. He and Dean are going to have the apartment to themselves. Already his heart has started beating harder inside his chest, and his blood feels hot in his veins. It’s hard to act like this little _notion_ hasn’t started getting him a little hot under the collar. He tries to act like it’s not as he shrugs out of his coat and hangs it up in the closet, only half-listening to the conversation Dean and Sam are having.

“You need extra condoms?” Dean offers and Castiel doesn’t need to look to know that he’s grinning like a fool. “I don’t have any extra small, but I could give you some money.”

“Haha. Fuck you, Dean.” Sam’s voice perfectly captures the amount of eye roll Castiel has at the poor joke. He carefully makes his way past the both of them to get access to his shoes. “I’ll be back after work tomorrow. And Cas? If Dean’s being a shithead or something, I’ve got holy water in my bedroom. It might burn him enough to get him to calm down.”

Sam shares an amused grin with Castiel as he stands up and pulls open the door. He’s in too much of a hurry for proper goodbyes, it seems, as he’s out the door. Castiel waves after him while Dean has the indecency to shout after him; “My dark powers are stronger than that, Sam!”

With a soft sigh, Castiel shuts the door again. He stares at the white laminate and the peep hole while he takes long, deep breaths. How is it possible that just the _thought_ of being able to spend the night with Dean like this is enough to already have arousal crawling through him? Even after all the times that he and Dean have been together, Castiel still isn’t used to this. But he’s enjoying it nonetheless and he’ll take advantage of actually having a sex drive while he has it.

Just to be sure that Dean knows _exactly_ what Castiel is thinking,  he is very deliberate with his movements as he locks the door. The chain jingles excessively as he puts it into place. With his back still turned, Castiel puts his back over the back of the couch and removes his shoes. He does everything careful precision. Anything more and he’s going to lose his cool and just pounce Dean to the floor. And that would just be ridiculous.

Finally, Castiel turns around to stare Dean down. It looks like his hints have been well received. Dean is looking at him like he did that pie he was given earlier. His eyes are hungry, his mouth open, and a flush rising in his cheeks. It’s everything Castiel wants and more, but he has to wait for Dean to take his jacket off. Castiel’s fingers twitch at his sides as he waits for just a little longer – for Dean to take a step closer to him. And that is the moment when his willpower truly breaks.

Castiel reaches out and grabs him. He sinks his fingers into Dean’s hair and pulls him forward into a crushing kiss, only taking the space of a breath to catch Dean’s bottom lip between his teeth. With practiced ease, he licks his way past Dean’s lips to find the familiar taste of his tongue. Almost immediately, Dean presses forward and uses his whole body to press Castiel up against the door. It’s a pleasing, solid weight against him and Castiel moans into the kiss to show his delight with it.

Dean’s hands are on Castiel’s hips immediately, fingers sneaking up under the hem of his shirt. Heat spreads across his skin where Dean touches – like lightning bolts of tingling sensation. Castiel considers it to be perfection right up until Dean does something even better. His nails scrape down Castiel’s side in a light, tickling motion that shocks him too his core. A shiver wracks Castiel’s body and Dean steals the gasp from his lips.

God help him, but Castiel wants more. He wants _Dean_. They’ve barely started kissing and already his body is thrumming with the _need_ he has to get closer, to do more, to _be_ more. Castiel wants to feel Dean’s skin against his and he drops his hands to start pushing clothing out of the way. Why must Dean wear so many _layers_? It’s ridiculous. Always a minimum of two shirts. Well, actually, Castiel is the same. He always has a long sleeve shirt under a short sleeve one, or a vest. This appears to be a moment of the pot calling the kettle black, and yet he doesn’t care at all.

By the time all of Dean’s shirts are on the floor, Castiel is ready to get started on his pants. His fingers just barely brush the button of his jeans when Dean grabs his wrists and pins them to the door. They’re in line with Castiel’s hips and the best he would be able to do is try pulling up and free. Really, though, Castiel has no desire to move now. His head thumps back against the door as Dean kisses away from his lips to mouth wetly at his throat. It sends all manner of goosebumps across his skin and Castiel’s hips rock forward of their own accord.

He can actually _feel_ Dean’s grin against the skin of his throat. And yet, the words that follow aren’t the ones that Castiel wants to hear. “I gotta –” Dean pauses to press a kiss to Castiel’s jaw before he does the inconceivable and _steps away_. “I gotta take a shower first, Cas.

When Castiel frowns at him, Dean’s grin merely grows. “You wanna join me?”

Oh! How could he have overlooked that option? It’s clearly the logical solution here. That way they don’t have to be separated and he can keep kissing and touching and feeling and _being_ with Dean. And it looks like Dean really wants him to agree to that joint shower. Is there really any reason that he shouldn’t? Aside from the fact that he showered earlier in the day, the only other reason he can think of is perhaps taking the time to look up things they could actually do tonight.

Actually, that sounds like a rather good idea. As loathe as he is to separate from Dean right now, this time would be better put to preparing for what will come _after_ the shower. What Benny said earlier is weighing on his mind and Castiel wants to see if there’s anything he can do to ‘ _spice up_ ’ what they have between them. He doesn’t see much need for it, but maybe Dean might? If he compiles some ideas for them to review after the shower, then he’ll at least have options to present to Dean in case the chance to do something like that does appeal to him.

Castiel hooks his fingers in Dean’s belt loops and pulls him back in. “It’s a tempting offer. But I showered just before Gabriel picked me up.”

Their foreheads bump together as Dean leans into him. “So? You’ve had two showers in one day before.” He grins, full of pride in himself, and Castiel can almost feel it against his lips. “I know. I’m the one who made you all sweaty and dirty enough to need a second one.”

This is going to require some amount of persuasion and Castiel knows just how to do it. He tilts his child up just enough to brush a gentle kiss across Dean’s lips. “I think –” Castiel pauses long enough to trace Dean’s bottom lip with the tip of his tongue. “I think I’ll get things ready in the bedroom first.” To some extent. He’ll need Dean’s confirmation before they can _really_ start anything.

Dean makes a strangled noise low in his throat and he rocks his hips to rub his obvious erection against Castiel’s. “I’ll be quick then. What do you want to do tonight?” He seems to be having as much trouble letting Castiel go as Castiel is with letting him go. “You wanna top?”

Hm, now that _is_ a thought, isn’t it? Castiel tilts his head back to look at the ceiling, contemplating how he feels tonight. He truly enjoyed his time as the top last week and he would happily do it again, but right now his mood is more along the lines of letting Dean have him. His thoughts get interrupted as Dean’s lips press against his throat again. Castiel hums in delight and closes his eyes, enjoying this for a few moments before he breaks it with more talking.

“We have the apartment to ourselves for the night, right?”

“Seems like.” Dean murmurs and wraps his arms around Castiel’s waist, holding him tight. He’s teeth skim over the thin skin of Castiel’s throat, eliciting another please shiver and filling Castiel’s head with all manner of thoughts.

It would be so easy for Dean to suck a mark into Castiel’s skin right now. What would it be like to be on the receiving end of a hickey? What would it be like to _give_ one? To leave his mark on Dean’s body for everyone and anyone to know that Castiel was there and that Dean was with _him_. Oh _God_ but that sounds amazing. If only they didn’t have those damn rules. Is it possible to get rid of them, even if only for just one night?

No. Rules are rules for a reason. And no matter how much _Castiel_ wants to be rid of them, that doesn’t meant that Dean does. These are his rules and Castiel is going to abide by them so Dean remains comfortable for their arrangement. If he doesn’t, things might end and that is the worst possible thing that could happen. Before that should ever come to happen, Castiel would absolutely like to take advantage of every opportunity offered to him to be the one to have Dean.

“Then – Then there’s time for me to – I can be the top later.” If it comes to that, Castiel won’t mind it at all. But right now he’s having trouble finding the ability to breathe while Dean works his neck over with kisses. “If you’re – if that’s alright with you. I want – I would like –”

“How long is it gonna be before you stop getting tongue tied when you think about fucking me?” Dean murmurs the words with a grin and Castiel can hear the complete self-satisfaction in his voice.

Castiel huffs loudly and pushes Dean back a few steps in an attempt to give himself time to think. “You’re making it _very_ hard to think at all.” Without thinking, his hand comes up to rest over the area where Dean was kissing on his neck. It feels warmer than the rest of his body and the skin tingles pleasantly. “Go get cleaned up.”

That smug look doesn’t leave Dean’s face, even as he takes another step back. He never breaks eye contact with Castiel as he undoes his belt. The buckle clatters on the floor as his jeans drop, taking his underwear with it. It’s all Castiel can do to hold still. He takes a quick, deep breath and bites his bottom lip, trying his best to keep hold of the reins on his willpower. His whole body vibrates with the effort it takes not to move from his spot while Dean turns on his heel and quite literally _saunters_ away.

It’s only when the bathroom door clicks closed does Castiel allow himself to relax. He takes a deep breath to calm himself. If tonight doesn’t kill him, then Dean will most definitely be the end of him sooner rather than later. Castiel shakes himself out both mentally and physically while he gathers Dean’s clothes and takes them to the bedroom. He dumps those in the laundry basket and glances around the room. What are they going to need?

First he strips the bed of the blankets, leaving just the sheets and the pillows. He folds the blanket and places it on the chair at the desk. Next is getting the lube and the condoms out. Castiel lays those by the pillows. That should be about everything – aside from him. He strips quickly, ignoring the fact that he’s half hard. They will deal with that later. Right now he needs to figure out certain things. Those things being if they’re going to do it like normal today or if they should _spice it up_.

Benny’s comment earlier isn’t the first time Castiel has heard of things like this before. During his many forays into the depths of the internet for information about sex, he has come across many a message board and article that were solely devoted to keeping the bedroom life alive. They all toted that it was good to try new things every once in awhile, otherwise things might get stagnant and boring. And with Benny’s offer earlier… Well, Castiel can’t help wondering if Dean might be thinking that things _are_ getting boring between them.

Many of the men and women on the forums that Castiel has read were stating that their partners had already cheated on them or were worried that they were going to _because_ they seemed bored. From what Castiel can tell, Dean doesn’t _appear_ to be tired of their arrangement at all, but he does still go out and has sex with other people – much to Castiel’s irritation. Maybe, if he can be interesting enough in bed, _maybe_ Castiel can keep Dean from going anywhere else? Although, he _has_ noticed that Dean hasn’t been out as much recently – or at all. Of course, he’s not going to draw any sort of attention to that. Otherwise, Dean might start going out again.

That aside, what are they going to do _tonight_?

Castiel runs through his mental list of all the things that he was looking forward to trying. Rimming? Already done, repeatedly. A dirty photo shoot? No, not yet. Castiel doesn’t have a decent enough camera for that. Toys? That is a possibility, but Castiel doesn’t own anything and if Dean has one, then it’s not something that Castiel would want to use too because who knows who else has touched it.

There are two viable options left to them then from his list – roleplaying and blindfolds. Roleplaying is definitely a possibility. And Castiel is sure that he could find something they could use as a blindfold. But there are other things they could do, aren’t there? These are just the things that _Castiel_ is interested in doing. There must be other interests that Dean has too, right?

He glances around the room, hoping to spot anything that might give him a hint. The only thing that Castiel can spot is Dean’s laptop. As soon as his eyes land on it, a memory surfaces of a mention that all of Dean’s kinky porn is kept there. Well, they’ve watched a lot of Dean’s tamer collection. What harm could it do to watch the kinky stuff? And it would give Castiel an idea of what Dean likes. It might even reveal some new things that could spark his own interest.

With the laptop in hand, Castiel settles naked on the middle of the bed. He sits cross legged and angles the laptop so he can maneuver the touch pad easily and still see the screen. The battery looks almost dead once it boots up and Castiel hopes it will last long enough for him to guess the pass – Oh. Apparently Dean’s laptop isn’t password protected. That’s going to have to change if either of them is going to have pictures of the other. The same can be said for Dean’s phone.

It takes a grand total of two seconds to find Dean’s folder full of porn. Castiel doesn’t know why he’s surprised that it’s literally _right there_ on the desktop. His sigh is distinctly fond. Of _course_ Dean wouldn’t hide this. He rarely has anything to hide and it’s one of his traits that Castiel finds rather admirable. That said, he does get rather taken aback by just how _many_ video files there are in the folder once he opens it. Castiel didn’t expect the folder to contain enough files that its contents are in the triple digits.

On the bright side, despite the large quantity of them, everything is meticulously labeled with a short description of the kink involved. At first glance, it seems the vast majority of them are ones that Castiel isn’t even sure he’s ever heard of before. And the entire ‘A’ section starts with the word _anime_. He has no interest in watching fantastical cartoon characters do the physically impossible, so he skips straight through the list to the ‘B’ section – and then gets no further.

Bondage. Dean has bondage videos. Just the word catches Castiel’s interest. Maybe the video won’t be nearly as terrifying as the pictures that he had come across during his haunting of internet forums. Though bondage had been involved in those pictures, Castiel is certain that there were some rather heavy BDSM scenes taking place. And _that_ was too much for him. The tying up bit had been rather interesting – it was just the rest that had been happening in picture that was overwhelming.

Without any further thought, Castiel double clicks one of the files. It’s only ten minutes long and from what he can tell at the awkward starting place, it seems to have skipped the awkward scene set up that he’s become accustomed to with porn. The video starts immediately with a woman standing naked next to her partner. He has a length of rope in his hand and he’s already in the process of slowly – _carefully_ – wrapping it around her in complicated loops and knots.

Every time the rope drags across her skin, the woman shivers. When a knot gets tightened, her eyelashes flutter and she tilts her head back with a moan. Her reactions have goosebumps prickling across Castiel’s skin and he can’t bring himself to look away. The woman’s arms get bound together behind her back and chills sweep down his spine at just how – how _vulnerable_ she looks. How much trust must she have in her partner to let him incapacitate her in such a way? She’s giving herself fully to him and trusting that he won’t hurt her.

That is – it’s rather appealing, actually. To be made powerless but still feel safe because of the one you’re with. To know that person has absolute power over you and trusting them not to hurt you. Trusting that they won’t walk away and leave you like that. Castiel finds the thought of that to be extremely tantalizing. A tingling tension builds in Castiel’s belly and a lump rises in his throat as he continues watching, not even realizing that his erection is fully hard within minutes of starting the video.

He hasn’t moved an inch or taken his eyes from the screen by the time that Dean walks into the room. Not even the sound of the door closing makes him move. Castiel is aware that Dean is there, and he can tell by his peripherals that he isn’t even wearing a towel. From where he’s sitting, he can even smell the soap on Dean’s skin and the shampoo in his hair. All of that registers somewhere in his mind, but still he doesn’t move. Castiel is completely captivated by the way the rope indents the woman’s skin on the laptop screen when she makes it pull tight around her.

If she keeps making it dig in like that, won’t it leave a mark? Castiel takes a deep breath at that thought and another chill tingles through his bones. A _mark_. She’s going to carry proof of this act with her throughout the rest of the day and into the next. Castiel hasn’t had any marks as proof of his acts with Dean. Their rule prohibits it. He leaves his times with Dean with nothing to show for it besides an ache in his heart (and in his hips). But if they were caused by a _rope_ – would that be considered a loophole? It would be something that he could touch again – that he could see again and relive the memories better than just by thinking of them.

 _Oh_.

May-maybe this – _this_ is what they should try next? Yes, definitely. This is absolutely what they should try doing tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warnings:_
>
>> \- anal fingering  
> \- blow jobs  
> \- bottom!Dean  
> \- bondage (mentions of)


	25. Chapter 25

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No sooner are the words out of his mouth does Dean’s head pop up. He looks extremely surprised and Castiel tries very hard not to squirm, but he has no control over the blush rising in his cheeks. Dean stares at him for a long moment before he finally says something. “You want to give _bondage_ a shot?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter content warnings are at the end of chapter. Please click the link below to see them.**
> 
> This chapter takes place during and after [Chapter Nine](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4478031) of the A Little Patience story line.

Whether Dean watches the video with him or not, Castiel ends up watching another five minutes of the woman being very much completely _dominated_ by the man she’s with. He can’t stop imagining various scenarios where _he_ is the one in her position. A few of his imaginings include having Dean bound at his whim, but that doesn’t make his blood rush in his ears nearly as much as the thought of having rope bite into his skin and pull tight around him.

He’s so absorbed in the video and his own mind that Castiel isn’t expecting the most obvious thing of all. When Dean touches him it’s with a gentle tap to his knee and a soft question; “How’d you find that?”

Castiel is surprised enough by it that he actually _flinches_. He opens his mouth to answer, but nothing comes out. The video is right there and he’s doing his best to learn what he can about the knots and the positions while he can. Short of actually starting some in depth research right now, Castiel really has no other way of knowing how to do this. Maybe they should do it exactly like this video? Though, the knots and the way she’s wrapped up _is_ rather intricate. Would it be safe for them to try this without first being well versed in how to properly tie someone up?

Dean taps his knee again and Castiel remembers he has an answer to give. He licks his lips, surprised to find how dry his mouth is. “You said you keep porn on your computer.” One hand lifts to slowly grip the edge of the screen as he prepares himself to close the laptop completely. But he just can’t bring himself to do it. He’s still too enraptured by what he’s watching.

No, he’s getting distracted again! Words. He needs to use his _words_. Why is it so hard to focus on his _words_ right now? “I thought that I could – I’ve been looking at stuff online for ideas to keep our re –” No. Don’t use _relationship_. That’s not what Dean want this to be. “–our arrangement fresh. I read an article that said one should do that with their sex life and –”

The words stop again when Dean puts a hand on his wrist and gives it a small squeeze. “Cas –”

For whatever reason, it’s _that_ that makes Castiel lift his head. He meets Dean’s eyes only for a moment before he has to look away. It’s – it feels _weird_ to look him in the face after being caught red handed with _bondage_ porn, of all things. Does he still need to explain why he looked it up? Dean looks – he looks curious? Concerned? It’s hard to tell when there’s a haze of _want_ filling his head. But he has to try. He has to explain why he feels like this – why he wants to _do_ this.

“I don’t want you to get bored.”

That would have been the perfect explanation if he hadn’t practically _whispered_ the damn thing. Now Castiel sounds like he’s _scared_. Granted, that _is_ part of how he feels. He’s scared that Dean will want to end this. That the novelty of having sex with him will wear off and he’ll move on to someone else. Castiel is terrified of having to go back to a life where he can’t touch Dean or kiss him anymore. He’ll always want to be his friend and stay a part of his life in some way, but it might kill him to have to watch Dean be with someone else after everything that they’ve shared together.

“I’m not bored, Cas. Trust me.” Dean’s words are soft and sweet. He leans in and presses a kiss to Castiel’s shoulder, his words ghosting across his skin. “I am the exact _opposite_ of bored.”

Oh, but that feels good. Both the touch and the words. Castiel allows himself to relax slightly and lean a little more into Dean. But there’s still one niggling little voice in the back of his mind that won’t let him just let this _go_. “And yet you have all this ‘ _kinky_ ’ porn but we never do any of it. Why do you keep it if you don’t want to do it?”

A shiver races across his skin as Dean leans into him a little more. His lips press kisses along Castiel’s neck, inching higher with every new one. “Because sometimes –” He pauses to drop another kiss. “– sometimes I’m in the mood to watch it.”

Without thinking, Castiel tilts his head out of the way to give Dean more room to work. His eyes are on the screen again and narrowed in thought. While _he_ might not know what to really do for this, does that also go for Dean? He’s the one who had the porno to start with. “Is this something you’ve done?”

“Not like that, no.” His words are muffled against Castiel’s skin as Dean mouths at his neck.

It elicits a wonderful shiver and Castiel swallows thickly at the feeling. “Do you know if –” The rest of his question vanishes as Dean’s teeth catch on his earlobe. What was he asking again? Something about the bondage. Oh – right. “Is it enjoyable?”

“She certainly seems to like it.” Dean traces the curve of Castiel’s ear. He gestures at the laptop with the same motion he makes to close it. And that – well _that_ is just a wonderful idea.

Castiel turns into Dean for a proper kiss, humming happily at the familiar taste of his tongue. He just barely manages to get the laptop onto a side table before Dean is rolling him onto his back and climbing over him. A firm grip on his hips pulls Castiel a little further down the bed. It catches him by surprise, but this is a much more comfortable position than being partially folded against the wall. But, best of all, Dean stretches out next to him for more kisses and gentle touches.

This is familiar and Castiel loves it. He turns into Dean more and hooks his leg over Dean’s to pull him in closer. But he won’t be deterred. There is something Castiel wants and he won’t let Dean’s kisses distract him from it – despite how very distracting they are. With fingers in Dean’s hair, Castiel pulls back from the kiss and tightens his grip so Dean won’t lean after him. That earns him a groan of disapproval, but it’s enough to let Castiel actually _think_ for a minute.

He takes a deep breath and licks his lips again. They tingle from the kisses and he can taste Dean on them. Such a small thing makes his blood boil and Castiel sighs softly. Dean, meanwhile, makes a frustrated sound deep in his throat and his grip on Castiel’s hip tightens briefly. But he’s not actively trying to kiss Castiel again and he rewards Dean by moving his hand to the back of his neck and running his fingers through the soft hairs there.

It takes a little longer than it should to find his voice again. In the interim, Dean ducks his head and presses soft, sucking kisses along Castiel’s collarbone. Oh, but that is so nice. He’s rather tempted to let Dean just do that for the rest of the night. Or he could even lay back and let Dean do whatever he wants to him. But no. Tonight is different. Tonight Castiel actually _wants_ to try something altogether _new_. It’s something new and exciting and oh, but he wants to at least give it a shot.

“Do you want to try it?”

Dean doesn’t even lift his head. “Try what?”

“The –” Oh! Castiel bites his lip and shivers as Dean reaches between them and takes his dick in hand. No, he can’t allow himself to be distracted by this. “The thing with the rope.” Castiel gets the words out as quickly as he can, just in case Dean tries to do anything else to trip him up.

No sooner are the words out of his mouth does Dean’s head pop up. He looks extremely surprised and Castiel tries very hard not to squirm, but he has no control over the blush rising in his cheeks. Dean stares at him for a long moment before he finally says something. “You want to give _bondage_ a shot?”

His blush burns darker and Castiel bites his lip harder. He can _do_ this and he nods. “If you do.”

This is something that Castiel _really_ wants to try. More so than he’s wanted to do anything that they’ve done so far. As it is, he’s willing to do just about anything to convince Dean to give it a try too. He doesn’t seem opposed to it, but Dean isn’t exactly jumping into action either. Perhaps he needs a little persuasion? Luckily, Castiel knows just how to convince him otherwise.

Dean pulls his hand away quickly when Castiel rocks his hips against his. He pulls Dean in for another kiss, dragging them in the exact way that he knows he likes. Dean taught him every way that Castiel knows how to kiss and, through a careful process of elimination, he has figured out which ones _really_ fan the fires within Dean. And that’s just _kisses_. Castiel has a mental list of everything that gets Dean excited and he draws from that for this.

In between every kiss, Castiel breathes words against Dean’s lips. “Do you – want to – tie me up – Dean?” They’re barely audible, but he knows they’re working when Dean makes a rough, overly frustrated groan in the back of his throat.

He grins at his success only to have Dean kiss it away. It’s bruising and breathtaking, aided only by how their bodies don’t stop rolling together. Castiel gasps for air when Dean pulls away, lungs starved for air. Sometimes Dean kisses so well that he forgets to breathe at all. Those are generally the kisses that curl Castiel’s toes and steal every thought from his head. They’re in his top three favourite kinds of kisses – especially when Dean draws back looking as in awe as he is right now.

Though the worst part of any kiss is when Dean pulls away. In this case, he’s literally trying to disentangle himself from Castiel’s grip. “Don’t – Jesus, Cas, don’t move.” He groans as he slides back off the bed, looking for all the world like leaving is the last thing he wants to do right now – which is likely very true. “I’ll – Shit, I’ll be right back.”

Sadly, Dean actually _leaves_ the room. Castiel takes the chance to stare at the ceiling and take as many deep breaths as he possibly can. He’s shaking from his nerves in the same way that he hasn’t been since the first time Dean took him to bed. This is – this is exhilarating. Dean is going to _tie him up_ and he shivers at the thought of it. In a matter of a few minutes, there will be rope – if they have any – and he’ll be bound and this is – Dear God, this is just so _exciting._

Should he stay like this until Dean comes back? Or should he rearrange himself into a much more _appealing_ position? If he recalls correctly, that one time he got started without Dean had been _extremely_ appreciated. It went very well and he really should do it again right now. But what, though? What should he do?

Castiel thinks about it while he listens for what Dean’s doing. As far as he can tell, he’s moving things around in the closet at the end of the hall. It doesn’t take long for him to come to a decision. He rolls over onto his belly and gets his knees under him. Should he start prepping himself? No, he wants Dean to do that for him. Then what should he do with his hands? Well, it’s rather obvious and Castiel tries crossing his wrists in the small of his back. It puts more weight on his shoulders and neck, but it’s not uncomfortable or anything.

This doesn’t feel particularly special, but he’s in full control of himself right now. There’s nothing holding him in place or making him feel particularly vulnerable about this. _That’s_ what he’s waiting for. He wants to _know_ that Dean will have a measure of control over him. He’ll give everything to Dean and he can’t _wait_. Shivers keep racing across Castiel’s skin while he waits for Dean to come back and it’s all he can do not to wiggle in anticipation.

He holds his breath when he hears the door shut behind him. There’s nothing but silence after that – until Dean takes a deep breath of his own. It’s a sharp intake that Castiel can practically _feel_ , even though Dean is on the other side of the room. The wait for Dean to come over to the bed is like torture, but he’s still not ready for it when the bed dips with his weight. At that point, the curiosity overwhelms him and he _has_ to see what Dean went and gone.

Castiel twists to look over his shoulder and his heart stutters in his chest before pounding hard enough to make his ribs hurt. Dean has a coil of _rope_ in his hands. He’s never looked at rope like this before – with the idea of being _tied up_ with it – and now he knows he’s never going to be able to see it the same again. It’s so hard to hold still and _wait_ for Dean to _do_ something.

To his horror, Dean just puts the rope down on the bed next to him and stands up again. He turns away and walks out of Castiel’s line of sight. He’ll have to actually push up onto his hands if he wants to see Dean. But why is he leaving? What could be more important than this? “Where are you going?”

“I’m right here.” Dean’s voice is soft and nearly lost by whatever he’s doing on the other side of the room. It sounds like he’s going through the closet – and he better have a good reason for delaying this. Castiel is too worked up to wait much longer.

Thankfully, Dean returns to the bed soon enough and he upends a shoebox onto the covers. “C’mere and look at this, Cas.”

With a pout at having to move, Castiel sits back on his heels. There’s a handful of condoms, a box of what look to be latex gloves, and a coil of smaller rope. It looks _much_ softer than the other rope and it has two plastic pieces that it appears to be threaded through. Okay, he’ll give Dean a pass on this. His curiosity is piqued.

“I’ve got these if you want to start off small first.” Dean puts away everything but the second rope and Castiel reaches out to touch it, realizing belatedly that it’s _handcuffs_. “We could use them to figure out if you even like being restrained before we go all out.”

Castiel picks up the handcuffs and runs his fingers over the cord. It almost has a silky quality to it. “Could I wear these while you’re prepping me?” Should he even bother telling Dean that he’s _extremely_ certain that he’s going to enjoy this? No, that’s alright. Dean will figure it out soon enough.

“Yeah, of course.” Dean fetches the lube from the bedside table, stopping only to appraise the handcuffs and how Castiel is sitting. “Do you want your hands in front or in back?”

That doesn’t require much thought. “Back.”

He hands Dean the handcuffs and turns around again. Castiel tries to keep his breathing steady as he puts his hands behind his back and lets Dean guide the rope around his wrists. As soon as his hands draw away, Castiel can’t resist giving an experimental tug. The function of the black pieces immediately becomes clear as he feels them slide along the rope to press against the insides of his wrists. These handcuffs are _ingenious_. If he wanted to, he could easily remove them. But the more he struggles, the tighter they get. And right now they’re making _heat_ burn in his veins.

Now that his hands are officially incapacitated behind him, Castiel can feel a tremble running through him. Dean could do _anything_ to him now. And the rope of the handcuffs feels so gentle. It’s not like he thought it would be, but it still feels _good_. So much so that he has to take a quick breath to calm himself enough to realize the problem with this situation.

“I should have done that while I was lying down.”

Now how is he going to lay down? It’s always awkward when Dean preps him while he’s upright. Castiel absolutely prefers it when he has his face in the pillow. Though when it comes to the actual act of sex, he would rather be on his back and facing Dean. Castiel doubts he’ll be able to do that this time around, especially if he insists on keeping his arms bound behind his back. It’s one sacrifice he is more than willing to make in exchange for this opportunity.

One of Dean’s hands spreads warm across Castiel’s collar bone and the other over the back of his neck. “I got’cha.” Dean keeps Castiel from crashing forward as he lowers himself until his face is in the pillows. He waits for Castiel to get comfortable before stroking a hand down his back. “You alright?”

Something as simple as changing his position like this affects him so much more than when he was upright on his knees. This position alone makes him feel rather defenseless, but now that his arms are officially bound – _oh_. That fire in his veins turns to lightning and his whole body feels sensitive to the touch. His erection is hanging hard and heavy between his legs and he doesn’t need to look to know that he’s leaking far more precome than he usually would for how little has been done by now.

Each breath is harder and harder to find and Castiel gives up his voice as a lost cause. The best he can do to answer Dean’s question is nod. He shivers and arches his back slightly, a silent request for Dean to get things _started_ already. Is he purposefully trying to draw it out? Even if he’s not, Castiel wants to be touched already – though there is a certain thrill in knowing that he’s being watched like this.

The pillow muffles his unexpected groan when he hears the click of the lube bottle being opened. _Finally_. Dean pays him no heed when Castiel twists to try and look at him. He won’t be able to actually _watch_ anything in this position, but he does enjoy seeing Dean get aroused from preparing him. Dean always looks like he’s enjoying the act of giving pleasure. He gets off on pleasuring others, in a sense, and Castiel loves it. That’s a feeling Castiel can understand entirely.

Any chance he thought he might have at watching Dean is dashed to pieces at the first press of a finger. He chokes out a sound of surprise and squeezes his eyes shut. Little breathy gasps and sharp moans keep punching their way out of him with every new thing that Dean does – and not just with his fingers. The first kiss to his curled fingers is a surprise, as is when covers Castiel’s backside with them. He’s not expecting the wet swipe of a tongue either. But he gets them nonetheless and each one feels so much more – It’s _different_ from when they do it normally. His skin is more sensitive and every sensation feels like it’s something _new_ all over again.

All of this combined riles Castiel up harder and faster than he can ever recall it happening. He knows it’s _much_ too soon when he tries to get out a demand for Dean to just get on with it and all he actually manages is to gasp his name. And even that gets muffled into the pillows. It’ll be a miracle if Dean understand what that was.

“What’s up, Cas?”

Apparently he didn’t. It’s a small blessing that he didn’t remove his fingers, but Castiel kind of wishes he did. Those aren’t what he wants anymore. He wants _more_. He wants to feel full like he only feels when Dean is moving in him. God, but he wants the way each thrust shakes him to his bones. It feels so perverted and mildly embarrassing to _want_ that with as much desperation as he does, but Castiel doesn’t care. Not right now.

He tries and fails again at telling Dean what he wants. Castiel doesn’t even have the energy to lift his head and say it properly. To his disappointment, Dean _does_ pull his fingers out. Though is it that big of a loss if he immediately stresses out next to him? Not really, actually. He greatly enjoys having Dean lying next to him like this. Of course it would be better if Dean was touching him more than stroking his hand along Castiel’s spine.

Dean’s fingers are dry when he works them under Castiel’s chin and makes him lift his face out of the pillow. “Speak up, Cas. I can’t hear you when you mumble like that.”

“ _More_.” The words come out on a hiss and his back curves. Hopefully it’s alluring enough to draw Dean into touching him again. “I want _more_.”

To his horror, Dean just shakes his head. “You know I don’t fuck you until you can take four fingers.” He draws back and out of sight again. “You’re just going to have to wait.”

But that’s not _fair_. Castiel groans and squirms. No, he can’t wait. He just can’t. He _needs_ more and he needs it right now. If it’s not going to be Dean pushing him down and (in his own crude words) _fucking_ him into the bed, then Castiel will have more right now and it damn well better be more _rope_. Because right now he can still get out of these handcuffs easy enough and that’s just disappointing. This is made all the more obvious by how he just has to twist his wrists slightly and pick the plastic away to loosen the handcuffs and free one of his hands.

It feels good to give his arms a rest, even though it doesn’t feel like he was bound for that long. Time kind of faded in and out for a while there and he’s not even sure how many fingers Dean got up to, but he doesn’t care. He rolls his shoulders and takes a deep breath, struggling to calm himself. This won’t be as good if he works himself up too much and comes long before Dean does.

Steeling himself, Castiel plants his palms on the bed and pushes himself up to sit on his knees again. He pulls the handcuffs off completely and throws it to the side. “I want more _rope_.” The coil of rope is still beside him and he picks it up to hold it out to Dean. “Please?”

He takes the rope and looks between it and Castiel. There’s a calculating look in his eyes, like he’s trying to figure out how he wants to do this. “You want, like, a full body rigging or something? Like the lady in the video?” Dean tilts his head to gesture at the laptop.

As interesting as that would be, Castiel sincerely doubts that Dean knows how to do those kind of intricate knots. And this rope doesn’t seem to be the right quality for that. None of that changes his answer though. That style of bondage is what caught Castiel’s eye in the first place and just thinking about being bound like that has pleasing shivers racing across his skin.

“Yes.” Castiel takes a shaky breath and gives Dean is his best, most pleading look. “Please?”

“Anything you want, Cas.” A wide smile splits Dean’s face as he draws him in for a short kiss. “I don’t know any special ways to do this. We should stop and look something up –”

Those are words Castiel never wants to hear while they’re in the middle of something like this. He cups Dean’s face between his hands. “I don’t want to stop. If it’s uncomfortable, I’ll let you know. And if I want to stop, I’ll tell you.” And he _highly_ doubts that he will.

Castiel presses a long kiss to Dean’s lips, hoping to distract him from the thought of stopping. “If this is something that I like, then we can look up proper methods of doing this later. Is that acceptable?” He won’t mention right now that he is _positive_ that he likes this. If he did that, then Dean might really want to stop to make sure that they find a proper way to do this.

Dean doesn’t debate this issue further. His eyes are wide and round as he nods in agreement. Satisfied (and more than a little smug) with this result, Castiel turns around again and makes himself comfortable on his stomach. This always makes things so much easier for them. Thankfully, Dean doesn’t object as he settles between Castiel’s legs. And as soon as he crosses his arms behind his back, Dean starts working the rope around them.

This particular rope is far rougher than the handcuffs were and Castiel loves it. When Dean is done, he gives it a few experimental tugs to make sure that he can’t easily get out of it. The rope doesn’t even budge. Castiel is _actually_ tied up now and it’s making him feel dizzy beyond reason. This is perfect! But now Dean has stopped completely. He’s not doing anything else with the rope. Why? Is something wrong? Please, for the love of God don’t let there be anything else to delay this. Castiel isn’t sure how much longer he can wait.

“This stuff is kinda rough, Cas.” The rope tugs at it a bit. “You sure you’re okay with this?”

Breathing is getting hard again and there’s a haze of _want_ settling thick in Castiel’s head. “Y- _yes_. Can we – Are you done? I want –” He groans as Dean slips a hand under his chest and helps pull him back up onto his knees. Castiel doesn’t want to _move_. He wants _more_. “Dean, _please_.”

With a soft hushing sound, Dean starts wrapping the rope around him. It goes around his stomach and his chest a few times before he knots it somewhere in the middle of his back. And it feels _amazing_. The rope is just the right amount of rough and every time it pulls tight across his skin, it’s just the perfect amount of burn. It scrapes across his skin if he moves even the tiniest bit and makes him shudder with delight every time.

The rope pulls tight around his chest and Castiel feels Dean’s fingers brush his back. “Lean forward, Cas. I’ve got’cha.”

He doesn’t need any further instruction and he sags forward, letting his head drop with a gasp. It’s getting harder to keep himself upright or to do anything at all, really. His whole body is like a livewire of sensation and Dean isn’t even touching him. Sex with him already feels amazing. What’s going to happen when this _already_ feels fantastic?

Dean keeps slowly lowering him toward the pillows. “Does that hurt at all?”

Not at all. Castiel shakes his head because that’s all he can do right now. It’s all he can do to breathe right now. Somehow, he still manages to force his body to move to look over his shoulder at Dean. The look turns into a pathetic glare when he sees that the only thing Dean is doing right now is looking at him. He’s not in re-lubing his fingers to get back to prep. This is delaying what Castiel is craving and he is _not_ happy about it.

“Don’t give me that look.” A laugh rumbles in his chest and he leans over to press a kiss to the back of Castiel’s neck. He rocks his erection against the back of Castiel’s thigh, nearly distracting him completely from what he’s actually saying.“I just want to make sure that you’re okay first. You wanna wear this rig the whole time?”

How dare he even ask that. Of _course_ Castiel wants to keep it. He answers with a moan of approval. It’s harder to move in his position, but Castiel does his best to arch his hip and rub back against Dean’s erection. This is his silent plea to get him to _do_ something again – and he’s rewarded with slick fingers pressing in straight for his sweet spot. Stars pop behind Castiel’s eyes and he buries his face in the pillows. His voice is getting hard to control and he muffles every moan that works its way free.

Castiel’s toes curl in the sheets and it’s the only leverage he has to help him rock back against Dean’s fingers. He whines when the ropes pull tight again and Dean lifts him. Moving right now seems like so much _work_ , but Castiel still scraps together some manner of self control to help so Dean isn’t lifting his dead weight. Once he’s upright on his knees, Castiel sags back until he can drop his head against Dean’s shoulder. That’s all he can do now. He can’t even bring himself to open his eyes or close his mouth – both terrible manners, but he doesn’t rightly _care_ right now.

Why – why is he like this? His muscles feel so weak and he whimpers when Dean pushes his fingers just a little deeper, brushing his prostate repeatedly. Another soft whine is drawn out of him as Dean presses a kiss behind his ear. That never fails to send shivering bolts of _yes_ down his back.

“Cas?” Dean’s voice is a rumbling whisper in his ear and it vibrates through him in the best of ways. “Cas, you hearing me? You listening?”

He does his best to answer, but Castiel isn’t sure if it comes out as words like he intended. At least he manages to roll his head to the side and open his eyes. Whatever Dean says next better be in short words because Castiel is having all _kinds_ of trouble paying attention right now – especially since Dean seems set on continuing to work his fingers in and out of him.

The rope pulls tightly in a sharp movement that makes Castiel’s whole body jerk. “We need a safe word for this, Cas. Any time that you want to stop or the ropes start getting uncomfortable, you’re going to have to say it.”

Is he joking? He must be if he thinks that Castiel is going to be able to remember any kind of word when they’re in the thick of things soon. It takes a few tries for him to get his throat working, but he does manage it eventually. “Don’t – We don’t need one. I want –” He wants Dean to take his fingers out and push him down on the bed and _take him_. Make him feel the closest to heaven that he can get while he’s still alive to feel it. Because this – God, but this might kill him.

“We’re going to have one just in case, okay?” Dean shakes his head and gets this _determined_ look that tickles Castiel’s interest and annoys him all at the same time. “What do you want to use? Something that you wouldn’t normally scream in bed.”

Nothing comes to mind immediately. There’s a heavy haze of pleasure filling his head and Castiel can barely _talk_ let alone actually find proper words.

“C’mon, Cas.” There’s a teasing tone to Dean’s voice as he presses a kiss to Castiel’s shoulder. “Gimme a word or I’m pulling my fingers out and I’m not putting anything else in.”

How _dare_ he even threaten that! Castiel groans and tenses around Dean’s fingers, as if he’s trying to keep him from following through on that. “I – Dean, I don’t _know_. I don’t _care_ , just – I trust you.” Every word is an effort to form and he takes deep breaths to try and focus. “If I say stop – you – you’ll stop?” He fully trusts Dean in that regard. They didn’t plan this out well enough and they’ll be more prepared next time. But right now he’s just – he’s too far gone right now.

“Yeah, of course. But we should still have –”

“ _Next time_.” Castiel hisses as he rocks his hips down on Dean’s fingers, trying to remind him of what he’s still in the process of doing. “Please – Dean – no more talking. I need – Dean – I _want_ –” More. He wants more of Dean. More of this feeling of – of being completely at Dean’s mercy.

It’s a blessing that Dean doesn’t feel the need for more words after that. He crumples to Castiel’s plea like wet paper and pushes him back down to the pillows. Dean doesn’t do it roughly, but the act alone is thrilling and another small noise escapes him. He really is at Dean’s mercy here and Castiel _loves_ it – far more than he ever thought he would. And if he had the mental capacity right now, he’d likely be analyzing it. But that haze is, thankfully, keeping those thoughts at bay for now.

Rather than continuing to prep him, Dean withdraws his fingers. Castiel’s body starts moving on its own, seeking any kind of pleasure with rocking his hips against the sheets. It’s not much friction, but it’s something while Dean does whatever he’s doing out of sight. Going by the sounds, Castiel is going to assume that he’s putting a condom on. Thank God. That only took _forever_. Hopefully Dean doesn’t make him wait any long– _Oh_!

A long groan rumbles deep in Castiel’s chest when he feels Dean presses close against his back. He forces himself to relax for what’s about to come next. Even though he’s ready for it, he still has no control over his body’s reaction when Dean starts pushing in. The rope pulls tight across his chest and Castiel’s back bows in response. First curving upward and then downward into the bed as the first bit of resistance gives way and he can actually _feel_ the slow slide as Dean slips into him. And it is _glorious_.

Castiel feels like he’s reaching levels of euphoria bordering on delirious. Everything just feels so _good_ and he can’t _think_ or _breathe_ or – or _anything_. All he can do is arch his hips and _feel_ every slow inch as Dean enters him. And then he stops. Dean _stops_. His hips are flush with Castiel’s ass, but he’s not moving anymore and it is _torture_. Where are the thrusts? Where is the jolting him in place and the heated breath on the back of his neck? Where is that feeling of being devoured that he’s so used to having during sex with Dean? Where is everything he was craving for this moment?

He almost moans with delight when Dean shifts slight, but it’s only to lean over him. Teeth catch on the skin at the back of his neck and Castiel shivers at the feeling. Dean kisses and nips all across his back, avoiding where the rope is digging into his skin. He seems focused on tracing the tattooed lines of Castiel’s wings. Normally he loves this feeling. Right now, he hates it. This isn’t want he was expected. He thought it would be rough and hard, like how it was in the video.

Dean’s stomach squishes Castiel’s hands against his back when he stretches over him a little more. His lips brush the shell of Castiel’s ear and he shivers at the feeling. Teeth catch on the lobe and Castiel bites his lip, sucking in a sharp breath at the pleasure that zips through him to add itself to the tight coil wrapped up in his belly. While he assaults Castiel’s ear with all manner of sensation, Dean also _finally_ starts moving – though barely. It’s maddening and amazing and all he wants is _more_ of it.

“I had no idea you were this kinky, Cas.” The voice in his ear is a soft, pleasing rumble. Dean murmurs the words between kisses to the space under and around his ear. It all adds to everything else Castiel is feeling and pushes him beyond the ability to respond.

“What else turns your crank? Dirty talk?” It’s not something they’ve tried, but Dean is extremely arousing no matter what he does, so it’s entirely possible even that will do it for Castiel. He does greatly enjoy hearing Dean’s voice while they’re having sex.

One of Dean’s hands moves to grip his hip. “What about spanking?” Something in the far reaches of Castiel’s mind balks at the idea of spanking. He doesn’t have the chance to try and think about it or answer Dean’s question, as it’s followed almost immediately by another one. This time, Dean poses it in a hushed whisper. “What about biting?”

Isn’t that just another word for _marking_? Does Dean want to put his mark on him? The thought alone draws a groan out of him. That breaks and turns into a loud whine of a moan when Dean draws his hips back sharply and snaps them forward again. _There_ it is – and then it’s gone again and he’s barely moving at all. Is he _trying_ to torture Castiel? If he is, he’s doing a damn good job of it.

Dean uses the rope again to pull Castiel back up into the same position as before. His head lolls back again, baring his throat to Dean’s lips. He can feel teeth scraping the side of his neck. A bite might hurt too much, but Castiel _really_ wouldn’t mind if Dean sucked a few red marks into his skin. He also really doesn’t mind what Dean’s fingers are doing as they drift across his chest. They brush his nipples first and Castiel bites his lip. He arches his back to push into them and his mouth drops open with a gasp at the first light pinch.

“I just realized something, Cas.” Again Dean’s voice rumbles through him. His hand drops to where the rope passes over Castiel’s chest and he gives it a little tug. “These ropes are gonna leave all kinds of marks on you. That’s against one of our rules, y’know?”

That hadn’t occurred to him, but Castiel still doesn’t care about it. He gathers what faculties he still has to him and rocks his hips against Dean’s. Castiel just wants him to move _properly_. Enough of this – this whatever it is that Dean is doing right now with his hips. It’s pathetic and not enough and why won’t he just give Castiel _more_? He’s never been _this_ teasing before.

“Do you want that, Cas?” Dean’s lip brush his ear with every word. “Do you wanna be marked up so anyone who sees it will know exactly what you’ve done? Do you _want_ to break our rule tonight? Or are we going to keep it our dirty little secret?”

Does _Dean_ want to do that? Is that why he’s bringing it up? In any case, the answer is a resounding _yes_. And if he could locate his ability to speak, Castiel would say it. But before he can do that, Dean’s hands drop to his hips and he pushes him forward until he’s almost all the way out. Castiel has a complaint on the tip of his tongue, but all that comes out is a pleased groan as Dean pulls his hips back again. In the same motion, Dean rocks his hips forward. It shakes Castiel to his core and he’s desperate for more of _that_. No more teasing. Just _that_.

“You gonna hide these rope burns under your clothes, Cas?” Dean keeps asking questions that Castiel can’t answer. “What about your competition, Cas? Are you gonna kick ass with these marks under your clothes and no one is going to know but me?”

With his hands, Dean guides Castiel’s hips to start moving. It’s something, but it’s not exactly what he wants. Castiel satisfies himself with that by rocking his hips in time with Dean’s movements. His chin drops to his chest and every breath is an open mouthed effort. He _hates_ having to move himself when he feels this close, and especially when Dean isn’t moving at all. It’s all Castiel can do not to outright whine in an effort to show just how displeased he is with all this _teasing_.

Dean’s lips are on his ear again, whispering words as tempting as the snake in the garden. “Do you want me to mark you up more, Cas?”

No thought needs to go into that answer. Castiel wants Dean’s mark on him like he’s never wanted anything else before. He has no intention of having anyone else see him naked any time soon, but Castiel knows – without a doubt – that he would _love_ to have that secret. If he could, he’d be satisfied with bearing it were everyone _could_ see. Then this thing between him and Dean wouldn’t be a secret anymore. And – maybe – things between them could evolve _beyond_ just sex.

Before any verbal answer can be made, Dean pushes him back down onto his stomach. The bed dips at Castiel’s shoulders where Dean places his hands, bracing himself. Castiel almost holds his breath because he _knows_ what’s coming next. He doesn’t even get the chance to stare at Dean’s hand and the way his fingers curl slightly in the sheets – which is disappointing in its own small way, because he loves Dean’s hands.

 _Finally_ , after what feels like _ages_ , Dean starts moving in earnest. He sets up a brutal rhythm that Castiel can’t even hope to match – not that he has the ability to do so right now. The rope and Dean’s weight on his hips with every hard, quick thrust he makes just adds to Castiel’s inability to move. It feels like his body is a live wire of sensation and it’s turning him into mush. He can’t stop shaking, and neither can he keep his voice in check. Hopefully the neighbours don’t complain.

Time blends into a never ending burn of pleasure. Castiel loses all track of it. One minute Dean’s giving him almost exactly what he wants, and then it feels like no time at all before he’s slowing back down again. And all without ever sending that shivering bolt of _wow_ up Castiel’s spine. Dean was purposefully avoiding it because for some reason he’s _really_ into teasing him right now – and, honestly, Castiel kind of likes it. He wouldn’t be nearly this riled up if he didn’t.

A kiss gets pressed against his back again, preceding questions Castiel never thought he’d get to hear. “How about it, Cas? Do you want to completely break our rule tonight?” He pauses for a breath and leans forward more, mouth by Castiel’s ear again. “Do you want me to mark you up?”

Words have never sounded so good. Yes, yes, _yes_. He wants that. He wants so badly to have Dean make him his in ways that extend beyond sex. Castiel never thought _words_ could bring him pleasure, but they are and his body reacts to it with a sharp jolt of anticipation, tensing around Dean mid-thrust. Dean hisses against the back of his neck and his rhythm stutters slightly.

Dean rewards him with teeth scraping the back of his neck and whispered words clouding his mind. “I could leave bruises on your hips, Cas. I could fuck you hard enough that you won’t be able to sit right for a week.” His voice goes husky and rough, carving a hot path through Castiel’s veins. “You’d have to work hard at the competition so no one suspects a thing, wouldn’t you? And the whole time, I’ll be watching you and you’ll know _I_ did this to you whenever you move; whenever you look in the mirror and see the marks I left on you.”

It’s like Dean doesn’t realize that he doesn’t need to _convince_ Castiel of anything? He might not have yet verbalized his desire for this to happen, but his body should certainly be enough to make that obvious. He can barely breathe for how drunk he is on this feeling.

“I bet you’d get hard looking at them, wouldn’t you?” From the wrecked state of Dean’s voice, Castiel would be willing to bet too that he’s feeling this too. Dean wants to leave a mark just as badly as he wants to receive one. He can’t sound like _that_ just because he hasn’t stopped moving his hips.

A shaky breath gets drawn against his skin as Dean presses his forehead to the back of Castiel’s neck.  “You’d go hide in the bathroom and take care of yourself, right?” He would. “Wish it was me touching you again.” Always. “Fuck, Cas, I could suck bruises all over these wings of yours and you wouldn’t even know they were there.” _Please_.

Castiel does nothing to stop his groan when Dean’s sucks sharply between his shoulder blades. “All you gotta do is say the word, Cas. Say it and I’ll do whatever you want. No rules tonight.”

Instead of words, all Castiel can manage are shaky breaths. And those careen straight into octaves he normally doesn’t reach when Dean lifts his hips and starts moving in earnest again. Castiel throws his head back with a shout of Dean’s name at that long craved for lightning bolt in his bones. It coils searing and  tight in his belly as iron hands keep his hips perfectly angled for more of it with every other thrust.

But it’s too short and sweet – and Dean actually _stops_. Why – for the love of all that is good in this world – why would he stop _again_? It’s a small blessing that he hasn’t pulled out, but Castiel still isn’t happy with it. And it hasn’t escaped his notice, despite the declining rate of his mental acuities, that Dean has been completely ignoring his penis. Not once has he been touched there since they started.

A soft whine of disapproval is nearly muffled by the pillows as Dean leans over him again. It quickly turns into one of approval when Dean’s fingers drift along his jaw and gentle coerce him to turn his head. Kisses are nice. But, as much as Castiel loves Dean’s kisses, he barely has the energy or the means to kiss back at the moment.

“C’mon, Cas. Say it. Gimme the word and I’ll do it.”

Oh God, he has to use _words_. But he wants this and he’ll damn well do it. Castiel swallows thickly and closes his eyes, forcing himself to concentrate long enough to choke out one word. “ _Please._ ”

He can feel Dean’s smile against his lips before he moves away. That smile moves to Castiel’s shoulders where Dean fixes his mouth and _sucks_. Castiel’s body jerks slightly and he bites back a noise of surprise. At no point did he ever think that being on the receiving end of a – a – What were they called again? Oh, right. _Hickies_. At no point did he ever think that being on the receiving end of a _hickey_ would feel like this. It’s not even on a particularly sensitive part of his body and it still feels – it feels – _Oh_.

“Dean, _please_.” Castiel curves his shoulders down to bare more of his back to Dean’s mouth. He practically chants the plea as Dean starts sucking more and more marks across his tattooed wings. The chant rises in volume when Dean’s hips start moving again, picking up the pace they abandoned what feels like not more than a few moments before.

Everything just feels _so good_. Even the burn of the rope where it’s rubbed his skin raw in places. Castiel barely even feels that. He just feels pleasure radiating from every fiber of his being. From the tight grip Dean has on his hips; to the nipping, sucking kisses on his back; to the pull of the rope to the familiar push-slide of Dean moving in him – it’s more than he can take. In one moment, there’s a supernova in his gut, and in the next it’s exploded outward to every end of him.

The orgasm blindsides him and it’s all Castiel can do muffle his scream with the pillow. He catches the fabric between his teeth and breathes hard through his nose, his whole body tense and vibrating. Dean isn’t moving in him anymore, but he more than makes up for it with what he does next. Castiel shudders almost violently when Dean lifts his hips and there’s suddenly a hand wrapped around him, stroking quick and tight to work him through the rest of his orgasm.

Soft kisses flutter across Castiel's back, gentle like a breeze, as Dean's hand works him through the last of it. "You did good, Cas. Real good."

The praise is like a refreshing wind. It eases Castiel's body better than any breathing techniques or massage could possibly do for him. With a ragged sigh, his body finally relaxes with the rush of endorphins loosening every muscle in his limbs. Dean lets him slide back to the bed to catch his breath. Regretfully, that also means that Dean pulls out. It leaves Castiel feeling empty, but satisfied. So very, very satisfied. Has he _ever_ felt this good after an orgasm? Probably, but he can't remember it right now. He would be lucky if he could remember the names and faces of people he's known his entire life right now. It's a miracle he can even remember his own name.

Once things clear up a little, both mentally and physically, it strikes Castiel that they're not done yet. Aside from the fact that he's still very much bound, there is one glaringly obvious thing. _Dean_ still hasn't come yet. Has he? No, he's still sitting behind Castiel right now. If he came too, he would be off the bed and throwing the condom out. He'd also have likely untied Castiel by now. And – and didn't Dean say that their rules wouldn't apply tonight?

Well, then. That just means Castiel gets to have a little more fun with some new things that he hasn't had the chance to try yet because it's been outside of their _rules_. He's rather looking forward to trying this, actually. Now if only he can get across what he wants from Dean without actually using words. His throat feels sore and it's all he can do to keep breathing right now.

Castiel twists slightly to look over his shoulder at Dean. He takes a moment to be pleased to find that he was right. Dean is kneeling between his legs, one hand idly stroking his erection. His eyes are fixed on Castiel, full of a familiar heat that sends a twinge of arousal through him. Nothing will be getting _up_ again with him any time soon, but it's nice to know that Dean is looking at him like he could devour him for hours and never get bored. With that in mind, Castiel cants his hips upward. At any other time he might feel a slight edge of embarrassment at _presenting_ himself to Dean like this, but right now it just heightens what's left of the pleasure thrumming through his body.

A lascivious grin spreads across Dean's lips and he leans over Castiel again. But he does it without doing what Castiel wants him to do and he frowns. It was far too much for him to expect Dean to know what to do without any actual hints. But it would have been nice. He twists onto his side, pulling away slightly from the feeling of Dean's erection pressing against areas that are starting to feel a little tender. It's nothing _too_ bad, but if they don't get this done with soon, he'll _definitely_ be feeling this tomorrow.

"No rules." The words rasp through his throat as he stares Dean down, barely any space between them now that Dean is leaning above him. "You said _no rules_ , Dean."

Confusion flashes across Dean's face for a moment and then it's lost to a kiss. Oh, but that feels nice. Dean groans into the kiss and uses that moment to roll his hips. That's all he needs to do to slide back inside and Castiel gasps into the kiss at the feeling. The gasp breaks their kiss and his head lolls back into the pillow, opening the curve of his neck to Dean's mouth while Dean rocks his hips in slow circles. It's like he's _trying_ to draw this out, and although Castiel doesn't mind that, there's still one glaring problem here that needs to be addressed.

"Take it off."

Dean pauses in his ministrations and Castiel feels fingers brush his hands. He's going for the ropes and that is very much _not_ what Castiel was after at all.

With a hiss, he jerks his arms away from Dean's touch. "Not that." Castiel takes a deep breath and rolls his hips in the most obvious way that he can, trying to squeeze around Dean to point out what he wants. " _Take it off_ , Dean. No rules tonight."

That stops Dean altogether. He sits back on his heels still half inside and stares down at him. There's understanding in his eyes this time and Castiel shudders, anticipation snaking through him. _Now_ Dean must know, right? If he doesn't, then he – _Yes_. Dean pulls out carefully and his fingers slip and fumble with getting the condom off.

This has unofficially been on Castiel's list for a while now. He knows, health wise, that he could get a stomach ache or otherwise with semen in places it shouldn’t be. But he still wants to try it, at least once. And he trusts that Dean is clean. If he wasn't, he would have told Castiel about it. They're both clean right now and their rules are abolished for the night, so why not give this a try? Then he'll know if he likes it or not. Not to mention that Castiel is rather curious to know if he'd be able to _feel_ Dean coming in him or not. There's been mixed reviews about that on the forum pages he's been following.

With his bottom lip caught between his teeth, Dean tosses the condom out of sight and grabs Castiel's hips. He lines up, pushes in, and Castiel agrees with every swear that Dean hisses around his teeth. The condom hides half of Dean's heat. It's like he's burning Castiel from the inside out. In this one moment, he wants nothing more than to never have either of them wear a condom again when they have sex together. Especially when Dean leans over him again, hands by his shoulders, and picks up his nearly brutal pace once again.

Teeth catch in his shoulder, sending a bolt of pleasure-pain to Castiel's core. It doesn't actually _hurt_ , but it definitely catches him by surprise. Dean soothes the little bite with a gentle kiss and a question broken by soft grunts. "In or out, Cas?"

There's no debating it. Castiel wants him to come inside. He _wants_ to try this and he wants it tonight when their rules are non-existent. The plea has barely left his lips when Dean's hips stutter to a stop, pressed against Castiel's ass and twitching as he comes. And _oh_ but that is an – it's an _interesting_ feeling. There's a pulsing kind of liquid heat where he's never felt it before and Castiel is too high from his own orgasm to tell if it feels bad or good. Well, no. It doesn't feel _bad_ , it just feels _new_.

Dean holds still for a few moments and then he pulls away. Castiel immediately feels colder for it. Cold and empty and starting to feel sore. He hates this moment. When they're both finally done, it's the end. He doesn't get to feel like he and Dean have something any more – not until the next time they do this, at least. And who even knows how long that will be?

While Dean fumbles with the knot of the rope, Castiel takes the time to breathe and reorient himself. It won't do to spend the rest of the evening in a daze. There are other things that he has to do, right? He can't remember what any of it was, but there must have been something. Castiel _always_ has something to do, especially if he wants to keep his father happy.

The rope finally loosens and Dean peels it all away. It actually feels _extremely_ good to have his arms drops to the bed for the first time in – well, Castiel doesn't exactly know how long it's been. But a loud sigh of relief escapes him as his arms tingle with the ache of being in a not-entirely-comfortable position for too long. He doesn't get to stay like that for long. Gentle hands on his hips guide him onto his side again and Dean slides into the space that opens up.

Those same hands are just as gentle as they pushes the hair off of Castiel's forehead. A thumb traces his cheekbone and Castiel turns his face into the touch, searching for more. It's soft and sweet and it feels so wonderful. There's a curious, almost concerned, look in Dean's eyes and Castiel manages a tired smile to let him know that he's doing just fine. He had been so worried about keeping Castiel comfortable in the beginning. It's nice to see the same care being taken at the end too.

"How'er you feeling?" Dean asks as he leans in and kisses the corner of his lips.

"Good." Castiel sighs and closes his eyes, leaning into Dean a little more. He doesn't want to have to move from this just yet. At this point, he might not even be able to do that. "Sore. But good. That was – it was better than expected." It exceeded all expectations and Castiel sincerely hopes that Dean would be party to doing this again.

"Yeah, you surprised me there." Humming, Dean lifts Castiel's hands to where he can see them, and he opens his eyes only for that moment before letting them fall shut again. There are red bands around his wrist, standing out against his skin. He presses kisses to the raw marks the rope left behind. Those will be there for the next day or so, likely. It looks like Castiel will have to wear long sleeved shirts to avoid any prying questions.

One of Dean's hands slips down, tracing Castiel's side and over his him until he's all but grabbing his ass. "That’s going to be messy. Do you – Are you okay to shower on your own?"

Oh, that's right. He's going to need to clean himself out – putting it lightly. "I should be." Not that he wants to. If given the option, Castiel would absolutely always choose showering _with_ Dean over taking one alone. Their tub might not be very big, but it's enough space for the both of them to stand comfortably. They've put that to the test several times by now, and that's was more than enough for him to know that showers are infinitely better when he has Dean with him.

But Dean must have brought up the shower because he's ready for this to be over. It's clearly time for Castiel to get up and leave. With some effort, he forces himself to roll away to the edge of the bed and sit up. Immediately a sharp ache radiates from his hips and he winces. Hopefully that will be gone by the competition. It'll be very difficult to do the majority of his kicks if his hips feel this stiff. He'll have to do stretches between now and then to try and avoid that.

His knees feel weak as he stands up. They tremble with every step he takes and he reaches a hand out to grip one of the shelves on the bookcase to steady himself. Perhaps he should take a bath instead? That might be safer. Unless Dean came with him. Castiel could lean against him in the shower and use him as support – in more ways than one. Right now he wants nothing more than to stay at Dean’s side and he hates how he knows how that won’t be an option to him. If Dean doesn’t initiate a long lasting make-out session after they’ve finished having sex, then it means _their_ time is over.

Luckily, the water is always welcoming. Castiel really should take up swimming, especially if his love for showers is any indication for how much he likes the water. As soon as he turns the tap, the calming effect a shower always has on him sets in. The pounding rush of water fills his head before he’s even stepped over the edge of the tub. Perhaps that is the reason why he doesn’t hear the door open behind him, and why he doesn’t notice that Dean is in the bathroom until he’s stepping into the tub after him.

“Mind if I join you?”

The question is moot at this point. Dean is already in the process of pulling the shower curtain closed. It’s as if he’s well aware that Castiel would never turn him away from this. Instead, Castiel just smiles and draws him closer. In hindsight, he should have waited for the room to warm up to match the heat of the water before he did that. During their shared showers, Dean has the tendency to push him up against the wall – and its _cold_ tiles – with his kisses. Although Castiel does have his fair share of moments where he does the same.

Dean knows full well that Castiel breaks every kiss with a frown when that chill sweeps across his back. And his reaction seems to amuse Dean to no end. That is the sole reason why Castiel never complains about it. He can make Dean laugh with just a look and it brings him such joy to hear it – to see the smile that comes with it – well, he just plain forgets about what annoyed him in the first place.

“Hey, lift your leg for me?” His hand is already sliding down to the back of Dean’s thigh when he asks the question. “I made the mess. Let me clean you up.”

As if he would turn that down. Castiel still feels like he barely has any control over his limbs. He tilts his face into the spray of the shower and lets Dean do as he pleases. In this instance, that means hooking Castiel’s leg over his arm and carefully using his fingers to clean the mess he made. It’s a very odd sensation to be able to actually _feel_ Dean’s come slip down his thigh. This isn’t the first time that Castiel has had it on his skin, but it’s never been coming out of _him_ before.

The experience is certainly an odd one, but it’s not unpleasant. This is something Castiel could see himself doing again – if Dean allowed it, of course. In fact, he’d like to try it with their positions reversed. What would it feel like to be in Dean without a condom between them? Does it feel different to come inside someone without a condom than it does with one on? He has certainly noted that there is something to be enjoyed about being buried in the heat of another body during orgasm.

“All done.” Dean’s words are a soft murmur against the side of his neck and they break Castiel out of his thoughts enough to notice that Dean has taken the time to clean him fully – including a wipe down with a handful of bodywash. “You wanna turn around? I’ll get your hair for you.”

This must be heaven. Did he die while he was tied up? This is the first that he can recall showering with Dean without the rush of having sex or cleaning up before Sam comes home. He must either be dreaming or dead for this to be happening. They’re taking their time and enjoying the shower to its full extent and Dean wants to _wash_ him? Truly this must be some kind of waking dream. If it is, he sincerely hopes that nothing is going to wake him any time soon.

With a happy sigh, Castiel turns and leans back against Dean’s chest. He lets his eyes fall closed so he can fully enjoy every sensation that comes with Dean slowly and gently working shampoo into his hair. To his delight, Castiel even gets a passing attempt at a scalp massage. It’s not as good as what his hair dresser gives, but it’s wonderful purely because it’s Dean giving it to him. Castiel will have to return the favour somehow – and soon.

He gets his chance after Dean turns him around again to let the shampoo run out of his hair. There’s a cloth hanging on the wire rack underneath the shower head and Castiel snags it as he turns. Once he has no risk of getting shampoo in his eyes and Dean is in the process of lathering up his own hair, he grabs the body wash and squirts a generous amount onto the cloth. He rubs it with his hands to make the soap foam before he puts the cloth to Dean’s skin.

“My turn, huh?” Dean grins at him and keeps his arms up enough for Castiel to clean his sides.

There is little else Castiel has done in his life that matches the attention to detail he gives when cleaning Dean. He covers every inch of him, from the bridge of his nose right down to the space between his toes. Dean laughs and his leg jerks slightly when Castiel squats to rub the cloth over his feet. Are they ticklish? Well, now. That is certainly interesting. He files that tidbit away as he works his way back up Dean’s body – this time with Dean facing away from him.

When Castiel reaches his shoulders, he doesn’t hesitate to lean in and press a kiss between them. It strikes him then that he likely has red marks all bruises all across his back now. But Dean’s back is pristine. The only marks he has are his the light freckles splattered here and there. And Castiel wasn’t the one to put them there. Are their rules back in place now? Would it be unacceptable for Castiel to put a mark of his own on Dean?

That want surges bright inside him and Castiel stares at Dean’s back, envisioning where he would put them. He stares long enough for Dean to turn and pull him into a kiss. It’s one that ends too quickly as the shampoo in his hair slips down his face. It tastes _horrible_ and they both pull away with matching looks of disgust. Dean’s expression dissolves into laughter and he shuffles Castiel out of the way to wash the shampoo out of his hair.

To his disappointment, the shower more or less ends after that. They both stand under the shower head, leaning into each other for a few minutes more before the water starts going cold. That’s what happens when they have the heat on high for a rather long time. Castiel tries his best not to pout when Dean reaches for the tap. Now things really _will_ be done. They’re both going to get dressed and do their own thing for the rest of the day.

And he _still_ hasn’t gotten to leave his own mark on Dean. Which is just not fair by any stretch of the imagination. No, this is not happening. Castiel refuses to let their time end without leaving his own mark on Dean. He should be allowed this too. He _will_ be allowed this.

Castiel waits until they’re both dried off and have towels fixed around their waists. That’s when he strikes. Dean comes willingly and with a smile as he pulls him in by the towel. In the same motion, Castiel presses forward and backs Dean up against the door. There’s something to be said about doing that to one’s – well, can he really call Dean his lover when there may be no _love_ on Dean’s end? In either case, Castiel does greatly enjoy pushing Dean up against any surface.

He distracts Dean from his plan  with a hard kiss. It’s the kind that pushes Dean’s head back against the door and makes him gasp. The kind that has him gripping Castiel’s shoulders tightly and pulling him in closer. These kinds of kisses are the best thing to use to keep Dean from thinking that he’s up to anything else. In the middle of the kiss, just as Dean groans into it, Castiel pulls back and ducks his head. He picks the first place on Dean’s collarbone that he finds and fixes his mouth to it, sucking sharply. This is how one leaves a hickey, right?

Dean gasps again and there’s a bang against the door. He doesn’t look up to check to see it what it was, focusing instead on making that mark darker before moving on to leaving a second one. There are fingers digging into his shoulders and Dean’s hips rocks against his with a sharp twitch. Everything he’s doing are signs Castiel has become familiar with as things that Dean does when he’s feeling good. So, this isn’t a problem then, is it?

After he’s satisfied with the two that he’s left, Castiel steps back with a smile. There’s a lovely flush in Dean’s cheeks that has nothing to do with the heat of the room. Castiel admires his handwork, pleased with himself for the spots he picked. Now anyone who sees Dean shirtless is going to see those marks and they’re going to know he was with _him_ – maybe not specifically Castiel, but they’ll know that someone was here.

There’s a far off look in Dean’s eyes and he blinks it away as Castiel touches the spot gently, incapable of keeping himself from smiling. “Fair’s fair, Dean.” And it most certainly is.

Dean’s mouth opens, but nothing comes out of it. He continues to stare at Castiel even as he moves out of the way so the door can be opened. Castiel is feeling like he’s walking on air while he leaves the bathroom. He leaves Dean in the bathroom to see his handwork in the mirror. With all of the ones he got being on his back, Castiel won’t be able to see them like Dean can. But he knows they’re there and they make him feel special for having them. If he didn’t have the tattoos to hide and his family’s respectable reputation to uphold, he would happily parade the marks Dean left on him in front of everyone and anyone who would see.

By the time Dean comes out of the bathroom, Castiel is already fully dressed and settled cross legged in front of the coffee table. His homework is spread out on it and he’s in the process of picking up where he left off back at the garage. Neither of them says anything until Dean is dressed himself and stretching out on the couch behind him.

“It’s not going to bother you if I watch any TV, is it?”

“Not at all.” Castiel even hands him the remote. “Be my guest.”

He sets to channel surfing the moment the TV is on. It’s not playing for more than a few minutes before he pushes a hand into Castiel’s hair. “Lemme know when you get hungry, ‘kay? I’ll get up and make dinner then.”

Castiel glances at the clock on his laptop. It’s later than he thought it as. Lunch with Gabriel was hours ago, as hard to believe as that is. Despite how they should have worked up quite the appetite in the bedroom, he doesn’t really feel all that hungry at the moment. If it gets too late, he’ll likely just have a snack or something light. He doesn’t want Dean to have to cook anything too big when it’s late.

Dean’s hand is still resting on his head, fingers sifting lightly through his hair. Castiel nods to let him know he heard him, but that does nothing to make Dean take his hand away – not that he wants him to. The atmosphere between them is comfortable and Castiel is more than happy to continue his studying while Dean plays with his hair. The TV drones on in the background, but he pays it no mind.

*

Something isn’t right.

Castiel stares up at the ceiling and the streaks of light painted across it, caused by the streetlamps peeking through his curtains. There’s a weird, tense feeling sitting at the base of his throat. It’s uncomfortable and wrong and it’s making his whole body itch. He tried closing his eyes and breathing the feeling away, but it didn’t work. In fact, it might have made it _worse_. It’s like he’s uncomfortable in his own skin and can’t, for the life of him, figure out why.

The only thing different today about any other day is that he and Dean tried something new. It was new and it was _amazing_ , and Castiel wouldn’t change a thing about it. But – well, that was certainly the most vulnerable he’s ever felt with him. And he’s never acted like _that_ with Dean before. Castiel had been so – so _enthusiastic_ about the whole endeavor. But was he _too_ enthusiastic? Did he seem – was he desperate about it? Maybe – is it possible that Dean might think that he was _too_ vulnerable?

And that just brings up a whole flurry of other questions. What did Dean think of the whole thing? He seemed all for tying Castiel up in the beginning and he didn’t have anything bad to say about it during or afterwards, but – There’s a paranoia building up in Castiel’s mind like some unstoppable tidal wave. What if Dean thinks that he’s _weird_ for apparently liking being tied up? This is the least _normal_ thing that they’ve done since their arrangement started.

They’ve had sex in all manner of positions, but they’ve never done anything _kinky_ before. Honestly, they haven’t even talked about it before tonight – not that much _talking_ happened. It’s true that Castiel wanted to spice up their sex life to keep Dean’s interest, but what if what they just did was _too_ kinky and it makes Dean want to end this? Maybe he wasn’t ready for this kind of kinky stuff and he only went with it because Castiel seemed interested?

No, this is ridiculous. If Dean wasn’t happy with what they did, he would have said something about it sooner. He wouldn’t have done it in the first place. He’s not someone to just sit in silence if he’s not having a good time too. Castiel knows this. He knows _Dean_ , and he knows that all of these worries forcing their way into his head aren’t even remotely true. But they’re still there and he can’t stop himself from thinking them.

He can’t stop thinking about things like how he went and gave Dean _two_ hickies without asking. Their rules should have been back in place the moment they left the bedroom, but Castiel went and did it anyways. It made him feel all cocky and sure of himself at the time, but now there’s a nervous pin in his stomach and a weight sitting on his chest that he really doesn’t understand. He’s happy about leaving his mark on Dean, but at the same time he feels terrible about it. And the worst thing is that he can’t figure out _why_ he feels like this.

Well, since the internet has helped him figure out everything else so far, he might as check there right now. Especially since sleep doesn’t seem to be coming to him any time soon. As quietly as he can, Castiel gets up to fetch his laptop from the coffee table. He settles back on the bed and makes himself comfortable against the wall. With Google open, he searches _bondage sex anxiety after_. It’s not the best search he’s ever done, but he figures it gets across what he’s looking for.

Hopefully something, somewhere in his search will be able to explain why he’s feeling like this. He’s never felt so – so very _down_ after sex with Dean. Castiel started feeling like this about halfway through the evening while he was doing his homework and no amount of having Dean play with his hair helped stop it from getting worse. The soft touches Dean gave him only helped to _delay_ these feelings.

Unfortunately, his search doesn’t get him anything more than several links about how bondage play can reduce anxiety and stress. That is the exact opposite of what’s happening to him right now. Castiel sighs and rubs his hands over his face. He needs to think about this a little more and get a better description of what he’s feeling right now. If he had to sum it up, he feels… uncomfortable. Not with the sex itself, because that was amazing and he absolutely wants to do it again. But he just – something doesn’t feel right with him right now.

Okay, he can work with that. His next search attempt is _feeling uncomfortable after bondage sex_. Castiel feels monumentally relieved when the first link answers at least some of his questions. The article introduces him to the concept of _sub drop_ and he is immediately intrigued by it. Now he has a starting point and Castiel spends the next hour hunting down every little thing he can about sub drop and it’s various manifestations.

Many of the pages end up being bookmarked for future reference. There are apparently far more things than he ever knew about doing things like bondage or anything else that might fall into the BDSM category of sex. He bookmarks pages about sub drop, about scenes, and most importantly about aftercare. Some of the pages he’s read, and some he skimmed and is merely saving for later. Those are the ones he’ll have to look into when he’s not so exhausted.

Once he puts the laptop away and settles back under the covers, Castiel only has a few minutes between that and sleep where he wonders a few things. Would he still be experiencing this drop if he and Dean had taken full advantage of Sam’s absence for the night? Would he be feeling better if they had shared Dean’s bed? They’ve never actually _slept_ together and that’s one of the many things Castiel would like to do with Dean.

Maybe – if there is a next time where the stars align and Sam is gone for a whole night – then _maybe_ Cas will try his hand at convincing Dean to let him sleep with him.

That would be really, really nice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warnings:_
>
>> \- bondage  
> \- BDSM undertones (sorta?)  
> \- dirty talk  
> \- anal fingering  
> \- anal sex  
> \- creampie  
> \- bottom!Cas


	26. Chapter 26

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Father’s answer is a sigh. His frown eases into an expression of pure disappointment and it stings to be on the receiving end of it. “Get changed and cleaned up.” He makes a flippant gesture towards the locker rooms, as if Castiel and his friends are being dismissed. “I’m taking you to dinner.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **There are no warnings for this chapter.**
> 
> This chapter takes place during [Chapter Ten](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4588773) of the _A Little Patience_ storyline.

It seems like only yesterday when Castiel agreed to participate in the competition. That was months ago, but time passed so quickly and here he is. Though, to be honest, he didn’t ever dare to think that he would be going to the competition in the Impala with Dean beside him and Sam and Jess in the backseat. This is the first time he’s going to have _friends_ at a tournament, and the first time that Gabriel won’t be there since he moved here. It’s exciting and terrifying all at once.

Perhaps that is the explanation for why Castiel is so talkative right now. He’s jittery with nerves and finding it hard to stop talking. All he’s doing is gushing about Taekwondo, but it’s still more words than he’s used to saying all in one go. Frankly, he can just blame Dean for this. If he hadn’t asked about the different terms they might hear at the tournament, then Castiel likely never would have opened his mouth. Now the problem is shutting it.

Thankfully, Castiel has Sam to help him. Sam reaches over the seat and pats him on the shoulder. “Cas, as an expert in all things Dean, I can tell you right now that our vocabulary lesson is going in one ear and out the other right now.”

Oh good, that’s the perfect excuse to let him stop. But Castiel still turns in his seat to look back at Sam and Jess. “He was the one who asked in the first place.”

Dean doesn’t take his eyes off the road, but he still slumps forward with a whine. “I didn’t expect it to be in _Korean_ , Cas! You just talked for twenty minutes and I can’t remember a single word.”

Castiel rolls his eyes at him and he turns to face forward again, if only to hide his relieved smile. At least no one finds it weird that he was so talkative. Granted, it’s not often that he gets to talk about his interests like this. And there is so much more that he could explain about Taekwondo – if they were interested to hear about it, that is. But it seems like that particular conversation has reached its end, marked by how Sam and Jess start laughing in the back seat.

“It’s okay, Dean. We all know languages aren’t your thing.” Sam moves to pat him on the shoulder instead, though his grin is directed at Castiel in the rearview mirror. “Did you know that he totally bombed Spanish in high school? And yet he _still_ watches shitty Spanish soaps on break at the garage.”

“That’s because _Bobby_ likes the show!” Dean whines again as he shrugs Sam’s hand away. “There’s nothing else to watch. And I don’t understand a damn thing without subtitles.”

Now it’s Castiel’s turn to pat Dean on the shoulder. “That’s okay, Dean. Languages can be very difficult for some people. Being multilingual isn’t for everyone.”

Dean sticks his tongue out at him, knowing full well that Castiel can speak a handful of languages more than him. Though he would never brag about it, he still enjoys what few moments where he can actually tease Dean. Castiel fights the urge to laugh and instead sticks his tongue out too. It’s childish, but refreshing to not have to act prim and proper all the time. And, as a bonus, it makes everyone laugh.

Jess is practically cackling in the backseat. It takes her some time to manage to speak. “If it’s any consolation, Dean, I totally suck at math.”

“And that’s why you’re going for an art degree.” He fires back. It sounds like it’s supposed to be an insult, but his tone is jokingly fond.

“Abso-fucking-lutely!” She laughs in agreement, giving them all a thumbs up.

Sam dons a mockingly horrified expression. “Jess! _Language_!”

That only garners an eye roll and her elbow in his side. “Pardon my French, your _highness_.”

They both dissolve into laughter again. Castiel’s face actually hurts from how much he’s smiling during this drive. He’s never had this much fun on his way to a tournament before. Gabriel is one of the funniest people he knows, but even still their drives are usually silent unless they have some particular topic to discuss. This is different. This is what it’s like to have _friends_ and Castiel has never been more grateful to have them.

Once they reach the gymnasium where the tournament is being held, Castiel only walks with them as far as the doors before they have to head in their separate directions. He stops and gestures down a hallway marked with signs for competitors to follow. “I need to go meet up with my dojang now.”

Dean’s smile falls slightly, almost dropping into a pout. It makes a fluttering happy feeling spread in Castiel’s chest. He likes knowing that Dean enjoys his company. “Aw, okay. I guess we won’t see you until after, huh?”

“On the contrary, you’ll be seeing quite a bit of me _during_ the competition.” He does his best to say it with a completely straight face, playing on the opening Dean gave him.

Sure enough, Dean’s nose crinkles with a laugh. “You know what I mean, Cas.”

Of course he does, but he also loves teasing Dean. In this case, all it involves is tilting his head and blinking at him in the most innocent fashion that he knows how to do. All that gets him is a hard shove down the hallway and another laugh.

“Don’t pull that shit with me, you dork!”

“And don’t leave just yet!” Jess follows after him only to pull him into a hug. “That’s for good luck! You better kick some ass out there.”

Sam slaps him on the shoulder and gives him two thumbs up. “Looking forward to it, Cas. Good luck out there!” He sobers after a moment. “No pressure, though, okay? We’re not trying to –”

Castiel interrupts him with a laugh. “I know, Sam. Thank you.” He smiles at all three of them, sure that his face is going to crack from it. “I’ll see you all after the match.”

That’s where they part, as Castiel heads towards the locker rooms where his team should be waiting, Dean and the others go to the gymnasium. From there, they’ll be directed to the bleachers. As happy as he is to have his friends here, there is more than a bit of nervousness brewing in his belly. This tournament will be more nerve wracking than anything previous, purely because his _friends_ are _here_. It’s old hat to perform in front of family. Having Sam, Jess, and _Dean_ here to _watch_ him just – it’s making him feel all jittery. Castiel is going to have to focus rather intently if he wants to win.

Really, this is just a matter of reminding himself that the competition isn’t about impressing them. He is here to represent his dojang and pit his skills against others. This is not about showing off for his friends – as much as he’d like to do just that. But there are people depending on him for this and he needs to be in his best form – which means not being distracted by the presence of his friends.

Once he reaches the locker room, Castiel finds a corner where he can put his things and take a moment to calm himself. The rest of his dojang are already gathered in the hall between the separate locker rooms for men and women. He joins them as soon as he’s ready – as soon as his hands aren’t shaking and he doesn’t feel lightheaded. But first, he changes into his dobok in a stall.

After checking this morning, he confirmed that the marks from the ropes they used the other day are still on his skin. They don’t stand out as much as they did yesterday, but Castiel doesn’t want to risk someone seeing them and knowing what they are. If anyone asks, he’s not sure that he would be able to keep a straight face while lying. Especially not when his heart starts pounding harder in his chest when he pauses to run his fingers over them. He can already feel heat filling his face just remembering that night and the following morning.

His drop had been more or less dealt with during the morning after. Primarily because Castiel had been woken up by a groggy Dean crawling into his bed. It had been a tight fit with the two of them on a single, but Dean’s only intentions were to kiss Castiel awake so they could have breakfast. Though it may not have been a conventional form of aftercare, he was still plenty happy with it. That was likely the best aftercare he could ask for from Dean, given that they never actually _talked_ about it before.

If they do any of that again (and he certainly hopes that they do), he’ll be sure to inform Dean properly about sub drop and the necessary aftercare. Perhaps, if he’s lucky, he might get even _more_ caring and intimate moments with Dean because of that. It really just makes him want to do more ‘kinky’ things with him, if that’s what he’ll get afterwards.

With a sigh, Castiel pushes those thoughts out of his mind. He finishes pulling on his dobok and ties the belt carefully. If he’s not quick, he’s going to be late and the others will never let him live it down. Sure enough, the moment he’s in the hallway, Hannah and Uriel are on him.

“What took you so long, Castiel?” Uriel’s hand lands heavily on his shoulder, squeezing tightly. “We thought you were never going to get here.”

He ducks his head slightly. “My apologies. Traffic was heavier than expected to get here.” And it really was _part_ of the reason. The rest being that Sam had been over at Jess’s apartment and the two of them had taken longer to get ready than expected.

Hannah smiles widely at him and touches him on the arm. “Are you ready for this?”

Castiel nods and squares his shoulders. “As ready as I’ll ever be. Did I miss anything important?”

“Just the usual do your best, shtick.” She shrugs and starts heading down the hall towards the gymnasium. “All that encouraging talk, you know.”

“Of course.” He nods and follows after them to the corner of the gym set aside for their dojang and their sparring equipment.

First and foremost, they’re going to spend the preparation time stretching. After that, the rounds will start. Even with his friends watching, Castiel is really looking forward to this. A tournament always gets his blood pumping. He likes the way he can let his mind go blank and just rely on his instincts. It’s just so – not _calming_ , exactly, but it certainly helps with any stress that might manages to build up within him.

It feels like no time at all before the competition actually starts. There are a few matches going at a time and the gymnasium rings with the cheering of the crowd and the echoing kiyups of the fighters. Castiel can barely hear it all over the pounding of his blood in his ears. Even so, he’s fairly certain that he can still hear Dean and the others cheering for him. It’s not something _new_ to him, considering how Gabriel always used to do it, but he’s not used to having so many voices.

Father doesn’t cheer when he comes to the tournaments. He deems such an action to be _improper_. Mother doesn’t cheer either, but she does clap and she’s always all smiles and hugs afterwards – no matter how sweaty he is. Thinking about his father only serves to annoy Castiel and he funnels that feeling into every kick. His punches are filled with the building guilt he has for purposefully not mentioning this competition.

Using those emotions as fuel apparently works rather well for him. That and his skill, obviously. It carries Castiel straight through to the finals – which isn’t exactly an unusual event. It’s been years since the last time when he _didn’t_ manage to make it at least to the semi-finals. For that, Castiel thanks how hard he’s worked at his training _and_ the extreme expectation his parents have of him. Father is satisfied with semi-finals, though he is never _pleased_ unless Castiel takes home the first place award.

Thankfully, Father isn’t here today. Otherwise he would be subjected to a disappointed frown at the results of the final match. Despite his efforts, Castiel doesn’t win. His opponent was _spectacular_ , however and he actually feels honoured to have lost to him. They were closely matched, but his opponent was just that little bit better. It was truly a good fight and Castiel is happy to have come in second to such a good fighter.

It is with a gracious modesty that Castiel accepts the silver medal in the center of the gymnasium. Without the adrenaline of his matches already leaving him and the pounding in his ears subsiding, he is certain now that he can hear his friends screaming for him. Just like Gabriel, they don’t seem to mind that he only came in at second place. It’s all he can do to not to outright beam in their direction. In fact, Castiel doesn’t even look towards them. He’s certain that if he does he’ll end up blushing like a fool in front of the best fighters in his dojang – which is something he’s already trying valiantly not to do. At least he can blame the red of his face on how he’s still worked up from his final match.

As they award the bronze medal to Hannah for making it to the semi-finals, Castiel waits with the rest of his dojang. It’s unfortunate that she was matched against the opponent that Castiel faced in the finals. If it weren’t for him, she would have definitely made it to the finals. Should that have been the case, Castiel isn’t sure who would have one. They’re both fairly well matched when it comes to sparring during their training classes.

Castiel is in the process of putting away his sparring padding when he spots Dean out of the corner of his eye. He stands to greet him, ignoring his padding for now. That can wait. Dean is and always will be more important than that. The majority of his dojang members have already gone back to the locker rooms and Castiel is slightly thankful for it. At least he won’t have to do introductions. It always feels so awkward to have to do that.

Dean comes to a stop in front of him and claps Castiel on the shoulders, smiling wider than he ever has before. “You are officially the most badass person I know.” He looks almost as worked up by the matches as Castiel was – and _he_ was the one who actually did the fighting.

Badass? _Him_? Castiel rather likes the sound of that and he grins, wide and bright and _happy_. His heart skips a beat when he catches the dip of Dean’s eyes towards his mouth. For one wild moment, Castiel licks his lips and wonders if he’s going to kiss him. But of course he won’t. They don’t do that in public, sadly. But Dean looking makes Castiel want to look, which makes him want to _kiss_ and he needs to distract them both from that line of thought.

He clears his throat and Dean looks up sharply. With a sheepish grin, he drops his hands and steps away. It opens up space for Jess to elbow her way in. She doesn’t hesitate to pull Castiel into a tight hug, her hair making his nose itch as her curls fill his field of vision.

“Ew, Jess, he’s all sweaty!” Sam’s laugh fills his ears as he wraps them both in a hug, squeezing them together. “You almost had him, Cas! It was an amazing match!”

As soon as he’s free, Castiel ducks his head while heat fills his face. “Thank you. I did my best.” He’s been praised by family before, but having his friends do it makes his insides feel like they’re wriggling in delight behind his ribs .

“And it was _awesome_.” Dean practically crows his praise when he slaps Castiel on the back. It doesn’t go unnoticed that his hand lingers a little longer on his shoulder than it would for anyone else. “There is no way in hell I’m missing any more of these, got it?” If Castiel wasn’t going to blush before, than he’s definitely doing it now.

“You better tell me when you have competitions. I’m going to be at each and every one of them. And this –” His fingers tap the medal hanging around Castiel’s neck, drawing his attention to it. “This is going up on the apartment wall. No if’s, and’s, or but’s.” Dean smiles bright and warm like he’s doing his best to set Castiel on fire with it. “I want everyone to see that you’re awesome.”

Everyone in his family has wanted to do that before. Gabriel hung them up in their living room too, and his parents have a display case full of every scholarly award or trophy or medal he’s ever received. But this – knowing that _Dean_ wants to display his achievements too, it’s just – it’s almost too much for Castiel to believe.

“Dean, you don’t have to do –” The words die on his tongue and Castiel can feel every muscle in his body tense the moment he catches sight of a familiar form crossing the gymnasium behind Dean.

What in the world is _Father_ doing here? He shouldn’t – who could have told him? Oh no. No, no, _no_. Castiel can’t let him meet Dean or Sam or Jess. Father never had anything nice to say about anyone that he has ever known in his life. Castiel doesn’t want to know what he might say about his friends. It’ll be nothing good and it’s already just making him annoyed to think about it.

It’s like his body is functioning on automatic. As Father gets closer, Castiel straightens his back and lifts his head a little higher. Any sense of joy he had up until this moment dries up. It must show on his face because Sam and Jess step back, confusion in their eyes. Dean has the sense to look behind him and Castiel really wishes he didn’t. Whether Dean knows that it’s his father approaching or not, his hand drops from Castiel’s shoulder.

Father comes to a stop standing next to Dean and Castiel resists the urge to sigh. Instead, he dips his head in a greeting. “Hello, Father.” His voice sounds bland even to his own ears. But he just can’t bring himself to be happy to have his father here. If it was Mother, that would be an entirely different matter.

Dean gives him a sharp, wide-eyed look that borderlines on pure horror. It’s a rather appropriate reaction, actually. Sam and Jess both open their mouths in surprise, looking between Castiel and his father in unison. All of them have heard that Castiel isn’t all that attached to his father. He’s been too distant in his life and demanded too much of him in his life time for that. Mother had least made the effort to get to _know_ him. Castiel is fairly certain that his father doesn’t know what his favourite food is, or his favourite colour. And he only knows that he likes photography because he _frowns_ on it.

“Hello, Castiel.” Father tilts his head in acknowledgement of his greeting. “Are you going to introduce me to your _friends_?” He doesn’t even look at the others as he speaks and it puts Castiel’s teeth on edge. His hands curl into fists momentarily before he catches himself and forces them to relax.

In that short moment, Dean takes the chance to speak where he doesn’t. He steps forward between them and holds his hand out to shake. “If I had known you were Cas’s dad, I would’ve introduced myself up in the stands.” The smile on Dean’s face would make even the most stoic person melt, but Castiel’s father is hardly human most of the time and that simply won’t work on him. “Dean Winchester. I’m one of Cas’s roommates and a former co-worker of Gabriel’s. It’s nice to finally get to meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

Hah, he makes that sound like it’s all been good! The only time Castiel has ever said anything _nice_ about his father is when referencing his willingness to pay for just about anything in his life. And that’s only because Father doesn’t have emotions like a normal person. He has _money_ and he seems to be under the impression that he can use that in place of his presence in his sons’ lives. Whatever Mother sees in him is far beyond Castiel’s scope of understanding.

Father frowns down at Dean’s hand and Castiel fights the urge to punch him. He’s seen that look before. It’s the kind of look that his father reserves for something he finds particularly disgusting – as if he thinks Dean is little more than a bug he could crush under his shoe. That look bothers Castiel when Father gives it to people he doesn’t know. Today he’s giving it to _Dean_ and that – No. He will not tolerate this. If Father refuses to shake Dean’s hand, Castiel is going to –

He presses his lips together into a thin line to keep from audibly sighing in relief when Father finally shakes Dean’s hand. But of course he has to do it with a sour expression. Would it kill him to smile even _once_? To look like he _isn’t_ an egotistical jackass for just five minutes?

Their hands bounce in one quick shake before Father lets go. Castiel will have to compliment him for not immediately rushing off to wash his hands. At least he’s quicker to shake hands with Sam and Jess when Dean introduces the both of them as well. But any praise he might have wanted to give for that vanishes when Father outright ignores their greetings. Worse yet, he ignores them just to _scold_ Castiel right here in front of his friends.

“How come you didn’t tell me about this competition, Castiel?” The corners of Father’s mouth pull into an even deeper frown. “I had to learn about it from Gabriel. I had meetings this weekend that I had to cancel to be here today.”

Castiel looks at the floor, unable to meet his eyes anymore. That sense of guilt he’d had earlier comes back a hundredfold, making his stomach sink. “My apologies. I was preoccupied with my summer classes and notifying you slipped my mind.” It’s an outright lie, but in this case it’s far better than the truth. He doesn’t even want to think about what Father would say or do if he knew the real reasons.

Father’s answer is a sigh. His frown eases into an expression of pure disappointment and it stings to be on the receiving end of it. “Get changed and cleaned up.” He makes a flippant gesture towards the locker rooms, as if Castiel and his friends are being dismissed. “I’m taking you to dinner.”

He didn’t think it possible, but Castiel’s stomach manages to sink even further. “I – Actually, I have plans with my friends.” _They_ were going to go out to dinner together to celebrate the competition – regardless whether Castiel had won a medal or not. And then they were going to meet up with Dean’s new friend, Charlie, at a costume shop to get some outfits for LARPing.

“Such as?” One of Father’s eyebrows arches in what _should_ look like interest but Castiel knows what it really is. It’s a _challenge_.

In the off chance that Castiel actually refuses to go with his father, he knows that he’s going to be in more trouble than he’s ever been in his lifetime. He has no good excuse for why he shouldn’t be spending time with him. Especially when Father cancelled _meetings_ to come here. He _rarely_ puts his sons before work, so it would just be outright insulting not to go with him. Castiel would never hear the end of it. And only God knows what kind of punishment he would receive for choosing his friends over time with his father.

To Castiel’s surprise, Dean puts a hand on his shoulder. His smile is understanding, but strained. Clearly he has figured out the same answer Castiel has. “Don’t worry about us. We can always reschedule and we’ll celebrate your win tomorrow.”

Although he should be grateful that Dean didn’t debate the request, Castiel can’t bring himself to be happy about it. “Thank you for your understanding, Dean.” There’s a sharp pain in his heart as he steps away to pick up his gym bag. He doesn’t want to do this _at all_. “Please excuse me. I need to go clean up now. I’ll be back shortly, Father.”

“I’ll be waiting for you outside with the car.” Father nods and walks away. He doesn’t even say goodbye to Dean, Sam, or Jess. And of course he didn’t congratulate Castiel on the medal either. He’ll be lucky if he gets even a modicum of praise before he gets home later.

Standing around with his friends and knowing that he can’t leave with them is only going to depress Castiel further. His own goodbye is quick, mumbled in the short space before he turns away too. Any fight he had left in him drains away and his shoulders slump as he makes his way to the lockers. Does he even have the time for a shower? Screw it. Even if he doesn’t, he’s going to take one. If Father gets upset with how long he took to clean up, then Castiel can just say that he didn’t think his father would appreciate going out to dinner with him reeking of sweat.

As much as he wants to, Castiel doesn’t even look over his shoulder to see if the others are still there. He doesn’t want to know if they’re disappointed that he won’t be joining them or not. Of course, Castiel knows his friends better than that. None of them looked happy to hear that he wouldn’t be going along too. But he hopes that they don’t let this ruin the rest of their day like he feels it’s doing for him. He had really been looking forward to going shopping with them later.

Castiel has only seen part of one of the LARP sessions that Dean does with Charlie. It looked fairly interesting. And Dean looked _very_ good in a tunic. Not to mention that chainmail and the way he handled his foam sword. He’s never done anything like dress up and make believe before, but Dean looked like he had a lot of fun and Castiel would love to get to be a part of it. The more he can do with his friends, the better. He has a lot of experiences to make up for.

His shower is short, quick, and completely unenjoyable. Partially because he would rather be with his friends tonight, and partially because he doesn’t like showering in public places. It’s just too nerve wracking when he’s trying to hide his tattoos from prying eyes. Luckily, the showers here have stalls with doors that lock and a space to change. He would have bypassed the shower completely if it was just behind a curtain that could be moved by a good breeze.

On his way out of the locker rooms, Castiel pulls out his cell phone and texts Gabriel. **_You’re a traitor_** _._

To his surprise, Gabriel responds quickly. He must be on break. **_I’m a what now?_**

 ** _TRAITOR_** _._ He types back angrily, keeping his pace slow so he has the time for this conversation before he reaches the car. **_Father is HERE. He says YOU told him about today’s competition._**

**_Sorry little bro but I told MOM not him._ **

Castiel grits his teeth and narrows his eyes at his phone. Mother isn’t in the country right now. She wouldn’t have been able to make it. But of course she would have wanted to have Father here at least. That makes her a traitor too. **_You still snitched to our parents. I’m fairly sure that’s a violation of the siblings’ code of conduct. Now I’m missing plans with my friends because Father is making me go out to dinner with him._**

And Gabriel knows exactly what that is going to entail. It means spending an unfortunate amount of time with Father in an uncomfortably fancy restaurant. It means suffering through Father’s disappointed stares and an unbearable lecture for not telling him about the competition. He’s likely going to bring up the fact that Castiel lost too, _without_ praising him for doing his best and making it to the final match.

**_Did you win?_ **

**_I lost in the final match._ **

Without a doubt, Gabriel is wincing at his phone in the backroom of the café. **_Good job, baby bro! Proud of you :D Now just apologize for not telling dad about today and ask him about how his businesses are going. You’ll be bored as fuck, but at least he won’t be making you feel like shit anymore <3_** See! Even Gabriel knows that lectures are looming in Castiel’s near future.

The only thing that has him looking up from his phone is when Castiel stops to bow to the master of his dojang and apologize for not being able to stick around for further celebrations with the group. Not that he was going to do that in the first place, since he was originally going to leave with his friends. But he was going to apologize then and he’s definitely going to apologize now. Especially because it just delays him going outside even longer.

But leaving is inevitable and Castiel does eventually have to leave. Once outside, he doesn’t need to guess which car his father is in. There’s only one executive level town car with tinted windows sitting among the cars by the curb. It’s also the only car with a driver waiting next to the door. Castiel sighs as he approaches and the driver opens the door for him. Unlike his father, he actually has the decency to thank the man before getting in.

He drops his gym bag on the floor between his feet and buckles up for safety. Luxury car or not, Castiel doesn’t trust anyone’s driving skills. Father, on the other hand, is going beltless. He’s always done that. Apparently seatbelts cause _suit wrinkles_. If he wants to die for fashion, then who is Castiel to stop him? There’s also no point in saying anything about how Father is pouring himself a drink from the small drink bar sitting between them. Which is ridiculous in its own right. Who has a _bar_ in their _town car_?

Of course, they can’t forget the fact they’re not even at the restaurant yet and Father has already started drinking. Nothing good can come of this. One small saving grace is that Father doesn’t say anything during the long drive to the restaurant. Unsurprisingly, it’s on the more upscale side of the city. Castiel doesn’t even want to see the menu. He’s grown up with money, but he’s certain that even _he_ would cringe at the prices of the menu.

The first words Father says to him are as they’re pulling up to a stop in front of the restaurant. “I hope you like steak. You haven’t gone _vegetarian_ in this hippy town, have you?”

Castiel shakes his head and waits for the driver to open the door for them. “No, Father, I have not. Thank you for taking me to dinner.” If he forces himself to be pleasant, then maybe Father will be nice too and this won’t be as painful as he feels like it may be.

“Of course.” Father gets out first and starts heading into the restaurant before Castiel has a foot on the cement. “Anything for my son, even if you _did_ come in _second_.”

There it is. _There’s_ the snide comment that Castiel was waiting for. He doesn’t flinch from it like he thought he would. “My apologies, Father. I’ll do better next time.” There’s no point in telling him that he did his best. Father will just belittle him for not being good enough.

If he’s lucky, he might be able to get through this meal without any conversation at all. Castiel has no desire to say anything, that’s for sure. Talking just makes things with his father last longer. It gives him more of a chance to nitpick at everything about his life and he has zero desire to suffer through that. There are too many things in his life that his father would frown upon – the majority of which Castiel would _never_ even mention to him in the first place.

Once inside, Castiel feels woefully underdressed. He looks respectable, of course, otherwise Father would never have taken him here in the first place. But everyone else is wearing business suits and Castiel feels like a slob in his slacks, sweater vest, and button-up. He had his coat too, but he bundled that up and put it in his duffle bag. Father would likely hate that thing if he saw it.

There are many alcoves along the walls with private booths for dining. They get seated at one of those and Castiel thanks the server for the glass of wine that she immediately pours for them. Father probably called ahead and told them exactly what he wanted the moment they get seated. Castiel has no plans to touch his wine. The glass of water will suit him just fine because the last thing he needs is to get tipsy or drunk in front of his father. It’d just be _perfect_ if he said something he’d end up regretting, wouldn’t it?

Father doesn’t even bother with the menu. As soon as the wine is poured, he hands back the menus and places their order. “The house soup to start with _fresh_ bread sticks. Porterhouse steak, medium well with the _baked_ potato.” When she turns to Castiel, Father clears his throat. “And he will have the same.”

Castiel gives her a small smile and nods in agreement. He likely would have ordered something else or at least taken the mashed potatoes over the baked, but there’s no point in debating here. The waitress returns his smile, confirms the order with Father, and heads off straight towards the server station. She must deal with people like Father all the time. Hopefully no one is terrible to her. She seems nice.

By some small blessing, Father busies himself with his wine instead of making conversation. But that only last so long. When the waitress comes back with the soup and breadsticks, he apparently deems that a good moment to start talking. “So, Castiel. How are you studies going?”

He doesn’t bother looking up from cutting the breadstick in half to butter it. “Very well, Father. Summer classes have started and I am staying on top of all my homework and studying.”

“Good.” Father pauses for a spoonful of his soup before continuing. “I received a copy of your marks from the last semester. They were adequate.”

The bite he takes of his breadstick might be a little more vicious than needed. Would it _kill_ his father to say that his marks were actually _good_? Castiel worked his ass off during some of the most emotionally and sexually turbulent times of his life. Despite that, he _still_ managed to come out as one of the top students in all of his classes. The least Father could do is appreciate all of his hard work a little bit.

Castiel mutters a quiet thank you and focuses on eating his soup. It’s some kind of minestrone and it’s actually very flavourful. He counts it as a miracle that Father seems thoroughly distracted by it. But he’s usually not very big on conversation to start with. Sometimes Castiel wonders if he actually even knows the person sitting across the table from him. His father has been so distant and cold for so much of his life that Castiel feels almost nothing for him. There’s some familial attachment there, but nothing like what he thinks should be felt for a father.

At least Mother made a concerted effort to be a part of his life. She supported his hobbies and took him out to things. She’s always been just a call away if Castiel ever needed to talk to someone while he was in boarding schools. Really, the only sour thoughts that he has about his mother is the fact that she’s gone along with essentially _all_ of Father’s whims when it comes to decisions about their sons’ lives. The only time she’s ever gone against Father’s wishes was when she advocated letting Castiel live with Gabriel and attend school here.

When the main course arrives, Father clears his throat. “So, those were your _roommates_ , were they?”

Oh no. Castiel braces himself for the direction this conversation is likely going to take. He continues to avoid contact while he cuts his steak into manageable pieces. “Yes. They’ve been very kind and accommodating of my situation with my school. I am very grateful for everything that they’ve done for me.” Both by being his friends and letting him live with them.

Father hums under his breath while he chews. The inevitable blow comes only a moment later. “They’re rather unsophisticated, aren’t they?”

This is exactly what he was expecting and he’s still not ready to hear it. Castiel chokes down what he was chewing and puts his fork down, finally looking up at him. “I’m afraid I don’t see how that is any of your concern.” And he absolutely doesn’t agree with that. There are varying degrees of sophistication and just because they don’t meet Father’s high expectations of everyone.

“Don’t take that tone with me, Castiel.” His words take an edge of warning to them, but it only serves to irk him further.

“Then please resist making thinly veiled insults towards my friends.” Castiel keeps his voice even, despite how he feels an adrenaline rush building in his veins. That feeling only grows stronger as he continues staring his father down. He can take any and all insults about himself, but he’ll be damned if he lets his father insult his _friends_.

Father’s eyes narrow slightly. “When did you become so contentious?”

Castiel shrugs and picks up his fork again, turning his attention to his baked potato. “Independence has the tendency to do that to a person.”

“I don’t appreciate your tone.”

“My apologies.” There is nothing apologetic about his tone, but Castiel doesn’t care. He also doesn’t care that he’s lost his appetite and there’s no point in smothering his potato in butter since he won’t be eating it. At least what he _had_ tasted was actually rather delicious.

He can feel Father’s glare burning through the top of his head. “It’s the fault of those crude roommates of yours, isn’t it?” Did he _really_ just say that? Castiel’s grip on his utensils tightens as Father continues. “I suspect that you have learned to disrespect your parents because they treat theirs poorly as well.”

“They don’t _have_ parents.” Castiel hisses, looking up sharply. “They died when Dean was in _high school_ and he’s been taking care of Sam ever since.”

That stops his father for all of a few moments. His expression does change slightly, relaxing into one of understanding. “Ah, that explains things. They’re lacking in a proper upbringing.”

For his father’s safety, Castiel puts his utensils aside. Truthfully, he feels eerily calm about this. Annoyed and angry more than he ever has before, but still managing to maintain his calm. His appetite is well and truly gone now. “I must disagree. Sam and Dean are some of the best people I know.” Certainly better than a pompous _ass_ who can only speak ill of people he knows nothing about.

Unsurprisingly, Father’s frown only grows deeper. “Living with two boys such as that must be very distracting for you.”

“I assure you, it isn’t.” Despite his calm, Castiel’s jaw is clenched tightly and it’s an effort to get the words out. “Obviously my _adequate_ grades have not been affected by my time living with them.” If Father insists on combating that, then he can reference the aforementioned copy of Castiel’s marks. That’s actual _proof_ that nothing has been poorly impacted from living with the Winchesters.

It comes as no surprise at all that Father still finds more to nitpick at. He sighs and shakes his head. “There is _always_ room for improvement, Castiel. You could be doing far better without those distractions to hinder you.”

Is this some kind of game for him? Is he _trying_ to push any and all buttons that Castiel has? Every spare moment that he has is devoted to his studies. All that hard work has brought him to be top of practically all of his classes. How could he _possibly_ improve short of cheating on every single test and assignment?

Father puts his utensils down, clearly having reached a point where arguing is more important than continuing his meal. “I want you to move out.”

There is no point in even trying to discuss that. Castiel knows exactly how he feels on that matter. “No.”

Despite that, Father continues speaking as if he didn’t hear him. He even goes so far as to pull out his cell phone and start typing to someone – likely his personal assistant. “I’ll make arrangements to provide you with an apartment on campus. I’m sure they have something available. If not, then I’ll find one closer than your current homestead. The closer you are to school, the less you’ll have to distract you.”

Castiel grits his teeth and takes a deep breath. He hates having to repeat himself, but apparently his father is getting hard of hearing. “No.”

Again, Father doesn’t acknowledge him. “Of course, I’ll cover the rent. You will only need to worry about using the money your mother and I give you to cover your phone bill and food. Although, I should just arrange to have groceries delivered on a –”

That is _it_. Castiel has had enough and he emphasizes it by slamming his hands down on the table, using force to get his father’s attention. “I said; _no_!”

Some of the other diners in the vicinity stop what they’re doing to look in their direction. Castiel is making a scene for the first time in his life and he doesn’t care. He couldn’t give a _shit_ about how Father looks surprise for a split second before he narrows his eyes. Or how he very carefully and purposefully puts his phone aside. Father picks up his napkin and dabs at his mouth, a purely unnecessary action, although it does signify that they’re _both_ done eating now.

His calm is more than a little shaken right now, and Castiel takes a deep breath to try and find it again. He moves his hands to his lap to hide how they ball into fists. “I will not move out. I like where I am now. I’m wanted there and I enjoy living with my friends.”

Father doesn’t say anything. Instead, he folds his napkin and signals for their waitress. She comes over quickly, a hint of concern in her eyes as she glances between them. “How can I help you, sir?”

“We need the rest of this bagged to go and the bill.”

“Please, and thank you.” Castiel adds when his father obviously doesn’t.

That’s the last word said at the table. Father pays and takes both boxes of food. Apparently he’s going to deny Castiel his leftovers. It’s a childish means of getting back at him for his attitude so far, but Castiel honestly doesn’t care. He likely would have let Sam finish it off. And if Father expects him to say something about it, he’s sorely mistaken. Castiel doesn’t say a word and he actually leaves the restaurant ahead of his Father.

The driver is ready and waiting for them and Castiel thanks him again as he gets in and moves over to the far seat. It’s purely for the driver that he does such a thing. He doesn’t want him to have to go around the car and open the other door for his father. Castiel pulls his bag into his lap, if only to make room on the floor for his father to put his feet. His grave is already getting pretty deep here and it doesn’t need to get any deeper by being more rude.

“Do you know why we left, Castiel?”

No, never mind. He’s going to dig this grave as deep as it will go. “Whatever it was, it must have been _my_ fault since I can’t seem to do anything right.”

The edges of Father’s voice frosts over. “You have certainly developed quite the attitude out here.”

“No, I’ve always had this attitude.” Castiel crosses his arms and continues glaring forward. He won’t give Father the satisfaction of looking at him. “I’ve just never had the urge to share it with you before.”

Father hums lowly for a moment, sounding like he’s actually _thinking_ about something. Likely how he’s going to punish Castiel for being so insubordinate with him. “Perhaps you would be better suited attending a university closer to –”

“No!” Castiel turns to him sharply. “I already said I’m _not_ moving. I’m staying right here.”

“Is this because of your so called _friends_?” His nose crinkles as he sneers the word, as if the mere idea of having friends like the ones Castiel has is something to be disgusted by.

It is taking all of Castiel’s willpower not to punch his own father. “I _like_ spending time with them. They’re my _best_ friends and I don’t want to leave them just because _you_ don’t like them. You don’t even _know_ them!” And he especially doesn’t want to leave _Dean_ – not that he would ever say that to his Father.

Castiel is well aware that he’s making his father mad with his attitude right now, but he honestly doesn’t care. Not anymore. This is one part of his life that he is absolutely _not_ going to budge on. He is _beyond_ sick of letting his father walk all over him and his life. The line is being drawn _here_ , even if it means upsetting his father further. Though he feels like he might be toeing the line of following in Gabriel’s steps here. Is he willing to take that same path if it means that he gets to stay with Dean?

Of all the things Father could do right now, the last thing Castiel expects is for him to laugh. It’s a dry, humourless kind of chuckle, but it’s the first time he’s ever heard him do it. “I get it. This is all a _joke_. You’re trying to be funny, aren’t you?”

“I assure you, I’m not.” He sits back again and narrows his eyes in suspicion. “I’m being completely serious, Father. I’m not leaving.”

Any sense of humour on Father’s face vanishes instantly. “You’re a _Collins_ , Castiel. You’re from a better breed of people than your so called _friends_.” He treats the word same as before, as if he can’t fathom the point of having them. “You deserve _better_ friends.”

Did he really just hear that? “Ex _cuse_ me?” He couldn’t possibly have just said that. Not even his _father_ is that rude. Oh, what is he saying. Of course he is.

“I’m just saying that you should be associating with a better caliber of people than them.” Father tilts his nose up, as if it’s possible for him to actually _get_ even snootier than he already is. “That – What was his name again? Dean, was it? He said he worked in a garage. You shouldn’t be living with a _grease monkey_ , Castiel. That’s beneath you.”

If Father’s goal was to make his blood boil, then he has certainly achieved it. He should be thankful that they’re no longer in the restaurant because Castiel starts raising his voice and that would be completely inappropriate in a public setting. “Now _you_ must be joking. He’s my _friend_.” And more. “Just because he works in a garage doesn’t give you any right to call him –”

“You’re missing my point.” Father cuts in and that only makes Castiel angrier.

“No, I’m really not.” The words are practically a hiss and they seem to catch Father by surprise. In that moment, he apparently finally notices that Castiel is actually upset. “ _You’re_ missing the point. Who I associate isn’t your decision. Neither is where I live or who I live with. I refuse to move, and I will not tolerate you speaking ill of my friends.”

As expected, Father doesn’t look impressed with Castiel’s display of emotions. “And what will you do if your grades start to fall?”

Because that’s all it really comes down to. Castiel is just a _grade_ to him. Is there anything else about him that his father cares about? Like his _happiness_ , for instance? That just builds on Castiel’s anger even further, dragging with it every moment of his life where his father has let him down in one way or another. Every moment where he asked more of Castiel than he could give. Where he pushed him harder than any child should have to be pushed.

And that’s when he snaps.

“Honestly? I couldn’t give a damn about my grades.” Oh _wow_. That felt equal parts amazing and terrifying to say. His heart is pounding in his chest as hard as it did during the competition and it just might cause him to have a heart attack before this conversation is over.

“Oh _really_?” Everything about Father turns glacial in that instant. “And what is _that_ supposed to mean?”

Does he dare to do it? Does he dare to say more than this? Yes, yes he does. Castiel is just the right amount of angry to throw everything to the wind. “It means that I don’t want to be a doctor. I _never_ wanted to be one.”

Father folds his hands in his lap and dons the most displeased look Castiel has seen on his face since the day Gabriel said the same thing. “Are you going to disappoint me like your brother did?”

Speaking of… “Gabriel is _not_ a disappointment. Not to me, and not to Mother.” If they were some place he could stand, Castiel would be doing so right now. “He is _head_ pastry chef for a _very_ successful café – if you ever bothered to stop by and see it. He even has dreams of opening his own café one day, once he and Kali have saved up the money for it.”

There’s the chance that Gabriel won’t like him spilling his plans. But Castiel can’t stand that he’s insulting his brother like this. “Kali has a very good head for business and she’s already drawn up plans for it already. If you bothered to stop and care about _us_ instead of your _plans_ for us, you might realize that we have dreams of our own. For Gabriel, it’s his own café.”

“And what, pray tell, is _your_ dream, then?”

That brings Castiel to a short stop. What _is_ his dream? He’s been so wrapped up in following his father’s plan that he’s never sat down to really think about what _he_ wants. Short term, long term, he just doesn’t know. Well – aside from his photography. Castiel really likes doing that. Though – is that something he could pursue as a career? Would he want to do that for a _living_ instead of as just a hobby? There would be so much he’d have to learn for it though. Composition, lighting, balance, and more.

But Father always thought that his photography was just a silly hobby. And right now it’s the only thing that he’s interested in doing. Does he dare to say that it’s an interest he wants to look further into? When would there ever be a better time for it? When would he ever be angry enough to have the courage to actually try and change the path he’s on?

Castiel bites the inside of his cheek before he decides to throw caution to the wind. “I want to try my hand at professional photography.”

“Now _that_ must be a joke.” Father huffs another of his unamused laughs. It might as well be a cough.

“Do I look like I’m joking, Father?” He has never been more serious. “I like taking pictures and I like cameras. There’s plenty for me to learn in that field and I would like to leave pre-med to pursue it.”

The dark look Father gives him sends a chill down Castiel’s spine. He can’t recall ever seeing his father look this angry. “I forbid it.”

That just burns him all the more. “It’s not your choice to make.”

“It is when it’s _my_ money.” Father actually has the audacity to look superior when he says it, lifting his head a little higher. “Did you forget that little bit, Castiel? As long as I’m paying for it, then you will attend the classes that I tell you to take.”

He has a very good point, but Castiel has dug himself in too deep. If Gabriel could survive without Father’s money, then so can he. “If those are the strings you’ve attached to my life, then I want nothing to do with them anymore.” He sits back in his seat and looks away out the window, waiting for the inevitable backlash this is going to bring.

To his surprise, Father manages to retain his composure. “I knew it.” He even sighs, and he’s shaking his head when Castiel takes the chance to glance at him.

“Knew _what_?” Dare he hope that his Father might have a shred of human decency?

“That letting you move out here was a bad idea.” Father sighs again, louder this time. Like he’s _so_ put out by this. “I should never have listened to your mother. You never would have moved in with those –” He pauses, searching for the best word. “Those _commoners_ –”

Castiel interrupts with a sharp look and words pitched into a dangerous tone. “We are _not_ royalty and having less money than you does not make someone a _commoner_. If you refer to my friends like that again, I’m going to –”

“You’re going to _what_ , Castiel?” It’s Father’s turn to interrupt him, and this time the warning isn’t just in his tones. He carries it in his eyes too, giving Castiel a look that just _dares_ him to say or do anything more. “We have our place, and they have theirs. It just happens to be significantly lower than us. Grease monkeys are a dime a dozen. But _we_ are a rare breed. We –”

He did it again. Father called Dean _that_ again. On its own, the term likely wouldn’t be considered rude. But in this case, it is undoubtedly being used as an insult. And it’s an insult towards _Dean_ – towards someone who means the world to Castiel. Every insulting think Father has said today towards his friends, towards _Dean_ , flashes through his mind right then and all Castiel sees is red. That’s it. He doesn’t care anymore. He is _done_.

“I love him.” For such important words, they come out hard and painful. But it has the effect he was aiming for. It shuts Father up quick enough. But Castiel isn’t done yet. He keeps his gaze and his voice steady as he looks his father in the eye again. “I won’t tolerate you insulting Dean in my presence again because I am _in love_ with him.”

Silence reigns in the car for the longest time it has yet. But, as all things eventually do, Father’s cool demeanor breaks. Castiel doesn’t look at him again, but he unwillingly flinches when Father raises his voice. Yelling is nothing new from him. He’s heard it in Father’s business dealings and whenever he did anything as a child that was inappropriate for one of his so called _status_. Castiel knew this confession would cause an outburst, but he still isn’t prepared for it.

The rest of their conversation can’t really be considered as one. It involves Father yelling at him nonstop for bringing _shame_ on the family. He outright denies that a _Collins_ could possibly be gay. Father rants about how Dean obviously brainwashed him into be a homosexual and made him into a disrespectful, unappreciative disappointment. Any and all derogatory terms for a gay man get thrown in his face and Castiel just doesn’t have the heart right now to inform him that he is a demi-sexual, in fact.

Their chauffeur is driving without a destination. Castiel picks up on this quick enough. He’s tipped off by the fact that they’re taking every corner and often looping through areas they’ve already been. Of course Father would do that to prolong the time where he could verbally and emotionally assault him. Castiel had assumed that Father had told the driver to take them to his home. What a mistake that was.

After ten minutes of verbal abuse, Castiel leans forward and presses the intercom that lets them speak to the driver on the other side of the divisor between the front and back of the car. “Please pull over. I’ll be getting out here.”

Father stops his tirade only to scold him further. “I’m not done, Castiel.”

“But I am.” He lifts his bag from his lap and undoes his belt in preparation for the car pulling up to the curb. “I’m not going to sit here and listen to you insult me, my dreams, my brother, or my friends. I’ve done everything you’ve asked of me until now, but I’m finished. I want to start living _my_ life for once.”

That’s the last he has to say and Castiel is out the door the moment the car comes to a stop, not even giving the chauffeur a chance to open his own door. He slams the door behind him, but Father just leans over to roll down the window. “If you change your course load to chase after your _photography_ dreams, then don’t expect me to pay for it. Or for your housing. If you walk away from me now, I’ll cut you off.”

Castiel doesn’t hesitate to snap make. “You can take your money and your _exceptional_ superiority complex and _shove it_.”

With that, he shoulders his gym bag and walks away without another word. In this moment, he’s angry enough to not care about Father’s threat right now. He pays no attention to the car as it drives away, passing him only to disappear into the traffic. Castiel has no idea where he is, but he doesn’t care. It’s hard to care about anything right now when he feels like he’s shaking in his shoes from pure _rage_. The sheer audacity of his Father to just _say_ all those things. It’s just – how _dare_ he!

But now what is he supposed to do? All Castiel wants is to go home and see his friends and – and not realize that he has no idea what his future is going to be like from now on. How is he going to get home though? He could probably call Dean, but he might be out with the others right now or shopping with Charlie. Castiel shouldn’t interrupt that. Not with this. And he needs to take some time to calm down. Which leaves him the option of taking a taxi or bussing it. Well, if he’s not going to be getting his massive allowance anymore, then he’s not going to be able to afford to take a taxi everywhere. He might as well start getting used to the public transport system now, shouldn’t he?

When he next comes across a bus stop, Castiel sinks down onto the bench and takes a minute to just hold his head and breathe. This is _not_ how he imagined his day would go. In fact, he never thought this moment would come. If his father hadn’t started insulting Dean, Castiel never would have gotten so angry and so worked up enough to have the guts to do this. Now – now things are going to be so very different and he should probably tell Gabriel what happened.

But first Castiel the information on signs at the bus stop to download the necessary transit app. With that, he’s able to plot his route home from where he is. And it’s almost two hours worth of travel time. Isn’t that just lovely? That’s going to be his life now – if he has to go far. Maybe he can just ask Dean for help with that if he ever needs to go somewhere that would take more than an hour by transit.

A quick rummage through of his coat pockets brings up enough change to afford the bus fare. Castiel utters a silent prayer in hopes that he won’t have to pay for more and that transfers will be enough to get him through to home.

The panic doesn’t start to hit until Castiel is actually on the bus. That’s when the true consequences of his actions are fully realized. Father is going to _cut him off_. That means he’s not going to be able to afford his rent _or_ his classes. Good God, he’s going to have to get a _job_. Especially if he wants to stay living with Dean and Sam. But he’s never had a job before. And where is he even going to work? At the pet store around the corner from their home? Castiel isn’t even sure if they’re hiring. He’s going to need a _resume_ too and he’s never written one of those either.

Gabriel. He needs to call Gabriel _right now_. Gabriel has already dealt with this before. He’ll actually know what to do, or at least know which direction to point Castiel in to get started. Oh, but Gabriel is at work. Instead of calling him, Castiel decides on texting him. That way, Gabriel can just call him back when he has free time. But what would be the best thing to say to ensure that?

Castiel settles with keeping it simple. **_I fought with Father._** That will do nicely.

The rest of his ridiculously long bus ride is spent wondering if he should spend the rest of today voluntarily withdrawing from all his current classes. It would be following through on what he told Father he would do, but he’s not entirely sure he wants to do that. If he does it, he gets cut off and his life gets one hundred percent more difficult than it was yesterday. But if he doesn’t, Father will be absolutely intolerable with how _smug_ he’s going to be. And, of course, he’s going to keep right on believing that he owns Castiel and can dictate his life as he pleases.

And he can’t forget that being under Father’s thumb for the rest of his life means that he’s going to have to move out. He won’t be allowed to live with Dean anymore. In fact, not listening to his father is going to cost him the same thing. Without Father paying for it, he’s not going to be able to afford any of his rents or bills. Dean can’t afford to support him either – not that Castiel would ever ask him to. It wouldn’t be fair to him or Sam.

Oh God, but what he wouldn’t give to make his mind _stop_ thinking things over a thousand times before he reaches home. His whole trip, all his brain does is bombard him with memories of what he said and supplying him with things that could have been said differently. Or horrible visions of a future where he loses everything that he has now because he couldn’t control his damn temper. But Father _insulted_ his friends _and_ him. That was just completely unacceptable and he couldn’t let his father get away with it.

When the bus drops him off across the street from his apartment, Castiel drags his feet as he makes his way home. He’s not sure if he wants anyone to be home or not. Actually, no, scratch that. He _does_ want someone to be home – specifically, he wants Dean to be there. As much as he loves Sam, Castiel is closer to Dean in multiple ways. It’ll be easier to talk to him about this. Or, at the very least, Dean can distract him from his troubles for a little bit.

He’s just shutting the apartment door when Dean comes out of his bedroom, eyes a little wider than usual. Dean almost looks worried as Castiel drops his bag. It doesn’t sound like there’s anyone else home, but it’s best that he check. “Anyone home?”

Dean shakes his head and spreads his arms with a shrug. “Just me.”

So they _are_ alone. First and foremost, Castiel needs comfort. He can tell Dean what happened _after_ he stops feeling like the ground is falling out from beneath his feet. Without a word, he toes his shoes off onto the mat in front of the closet. His coat ends up over the back of the couch as he turns to lock the door, purposefully putting the chain over it so Dean will know what he wants right now. Dean still looks a little worried and more than a bit confused when Castiel reaches him.

Perhaps he’s a bit more forceful than he means to be, but he doesn’t regret crashing into Dean and knocking him down onto the bed. He straddles Dean without a thought, cupping his face between his hands and kissing him in search of every bit of that tingling feeling in his bones that kissing Dean gives him. To his horror, Dean isn’t exactly kissing back. Not with the same kind of fervor that Castiel is kissing him with. He’s definitely participating and his hands are fisted in the back of Castiel’s shirt, just holding on and waiting to see what’s going to happen.

When he finally pulls back to breathe, Castiel’s breath rattles in his chest. All this kiss is doing is reminding him that he could lose it very soon. He’s not going to be able to afford to _stay_ and he can’t stand that. Castiel wants to be here with Dean. Not – not anywhere else. This is home. Right here with Dean and with Sam and anywhere else is just going to feel _wrong_ now.

The air in the room feels too thick. It’s hard to breathe and Castiel feels like he’s gasping for each breath. He can barely feel Dean’s hands as they slide up his neck. His fingers slip through Castiel’s hair, stroking softly. Nails play over his scalp, sending goosebumps rippling across his skin. It feels good and Castiel whines softly in the back of his throat. He sits backs and drops his head to rest his forehead against Dean’s collarbone, doing his best to catch his breath.

Dean’s arms fold over his back and Castiel wants so badly to just sink down against him and never move again. But right now he needs to breathe and find his calm and not do anything ridiculous. But what would constitute _ridiculous_? Because right now a large part of him wants to cry. He can’t remember the last time he cried, but right now feels like a good moment for it. And yet his pride doesn’t want him to do that. Not in front of Dean, at least.

By some miracle that is _Dean_ , Castiel manages to calm down somewhat. It still feels like there’s a pressure behind his eyes and a sting in his nose. He doesn’t want to cry, but the feeling just grows more when Dean rubs up and down his back and asks a question in a quiet whisper. “You okay, Cas?”

“ _No_.” He really isn’t and he finally gives in. Castiel slowly lowers himself until he’s lying on top of Dean. In a fit of childishness, he presses his face against Dean’s neck and breathes him in. He’s shaking and it takes some time for him to find his words again. This is absolutely something that he _needs_ to share with Dean, but – “I don’t know what to do.”

The concern in Dean’s voice increases tenfold. “What happened?”

Where should he even _start_? Castiel’s throat closes up and his words come out as a whisper. “I fought with my father.”

“About what?” Dean’s hug tightens slightly and it does end up giving Castiel a measure of comfort.

“Here.” He squeezes his eyes shut tightly, fighting the urge to cry. “You.” Castiel doesn’t want to have to tell Dean what his father said. It’s just too rude and cruel to bear repeating. But Dean deserves to know what’s going on. “Everything.”

As if matters aren’t worse enough, right then is when his nose decides to start running. If he sniffs, it’s going to sound like he’s crying. And he’s _not_. Or, rather, not _yet_. Castiel doesn’t want to cry. There’s no weakness in tears, but he doesn’t want to give his father the satisfaction of having made him cry – even if he never finds out about it.

“Take your time, Cas.” Dean’s voice is a soft whisper in his ear as he continues stroking his back in long sweeps of his hand.

Bless him and his understanding. Castiel keeps his eyes closed and focuses on breathing until he can get as calm as he possibly can right now. Of course he’s never going to get _properly_ calm. Not with this irritating topic. He knows that having to tell Dean about it is just going to work him up again. But this is necessary. This isn’t something that he can keep from Dean. And Gabriel hasn’t called him yet, so he has no one else to talk to this about until then.

Castiel tries to speak a few times, but the words don’t actually come. He can do this. He can talk about it and Dean will help him figure things out. The worst possible outcome is that Dean tells him that he has to move out. But Castiel knows him better than that. Dean has been nothing but kind and generous with him. He would never just kick him out like that.

Okay, okay. He can do this. Castiel swallows around the lump in his throat and forces the words out. “He tried – Father tried to talk me into moving out. He offered me my own apartment.”

That’s a good place to start, but a conversation can’t exactly be had with his face buried against Dean’s skin. With a heavy sigh, Castiel makes himself move off of Dean to lay next to him on the small bed. Dean immediately rolls onto his side, giving him room so he’s not squished against the wall. The light in the apartment is brighter than expected and Castiel covers his eyes with his arm to block against it. He might also not want to see Dean’s reaction to this news.

Dean doesn’t say anything in response, but he does wiggle closer. Castiel’s heart was already beating painfully just from having to work up the nerve to talk about this. It starts pounding even harder when Dean places a hand on his chest. That small gesture is more of a comfort than anything else he could be doing right now and Castiel is eternally grateful for it. And for how it buoys his courage to continue.

“It would be an on campus apartment – or, at the least, relatively closer to there. Closer than here.” The urge to put his hand over Dean’s is stronger than it is to cover his eyes. He masks the movement with a shrug, but the moment his hand is over Dean’s, Castiel can’t resist the urge to curl his fingers around it. He doesn’t want Dean to take it away, not when it gives him such a great amount of comfort.

“Father didn’t like that I turned him down.” He sighs and looks over at Dean, hoping that he might have some kind of answer in his eyes. “I told him that I – I don’t want to move out, Dean. I like living here with my friends –” Castiel takes a breath before continuing. “– with you.”

An encouraging smile pulls across Dean’s lips. “I know. I like having you here too, Cas.” He squeezes his thumb over Castiel’s fingers. “He didn’t take that news very well, huh?”

Just being reminded about _how_ Father took the news makes Castiel’s blood boil again. He turns his glare up to the ceiling to spare Dean from it. “He called you a _grease monkey_.”

Dean pops up on his elbow next to him at that, eyes wide and God but Castiel hopes he’s imagining that little flash of hurt in them. “He _what_? Why? What did I do – besides work in a garage?”

Nothing. Dean did absolutely _nothing_ to deserve the condescending insults Father used. Castiel nearly chokes on his anger and he sits up quickly. “Father said I should be socializing with people of a higher caliber because I –”

Anger pulses through him and Castiel swallows back an actual _snarl_ of rage. His arm snaps out before he realizes it and he stops himself before he actually hits the wall. “He said I _deserve better friends_ than you and Sam because I come from a _better breed of people_.” Castiel sneers the words, mimicking his father. “I can’t believe he would – how _dare_ he say that about –”

Right now, all he wants to do is hit things. If he can find some more change in his drawers, he might be able to go to the dojang and release some pent up anger on their equipment there. Then he could punch and kick it to his heart’s delight until all this _rage_ is out of him. He’s angrier now than he was before and Castiel is certain it’s because this time he saw Dean’s reaction to it. Now Castiel _knows_ that Dean was hurt by what his father said about him.

Without a word, Dean sits up completely. He crawls into the space behind Castiel, forcing them both to move over so he can stretch out his legs on either side of them. Before Castiel can ask what he’s doing, Dean wraps his arms around his waist. It takes little coercion on Dean’s part to get Castiel to lean back against his chest. Have they ever sat like this before? He’s finding it hard to recall, but this feels so nice and comfortable.

Dean’s voice is in his ear again. “You blew up at him, didn’t you?”

Castiel sighs loudly, letting himself relax back against Dean slowly. He drops his head back against his shoulder and stares up at the ceiling again. “I did. I raised my voice at him. I’ve _never_ yelled at my father and I –” He puts his arms over top of Dean’s, fitting his hands over his wrists to give them a gentle, thankful squeeze. “I might have told him that I don’t want to be a doctor. I said I wanted to take a few photography courses and stop with pre-med.”

It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that he _shouldn’t_ tell Dean about what he said to finally make his Father explode. Telling someone about how he feels for Dean already destroyed one of his relationships today. He doesn’t want to risk losing Dean too by it.

“What did he have to say to that?” He rests his cheek against Castiel’s temple and gives him a small squeeze – again more comforting than Dean will ever know.

Now _that_ is not something he is going to bother sharing. “Nothing good or worth repeating.” Castiel shifts slightly so it’s more comfortable to lean together with Dean. “He called me a disappointment and threatened to cut me off if I changed my course load for the coming year.”

This is the part that he was most worried about telling Dean. Without money, he’s not going to be able to stay here. Castiel has quite a bit in savings because he never really had a lot to spend it on, but _still_. That will run out eventually, especially if he ends up not being able to balance school and work. His scholarship should be enough to cover his classes, but would he be able to keep up his grades _and_ work at the same time?

He barely notices when his hands start to shake, or when the sting returns to behind his eyes. Castiel closes his eyes and takes a deep breath through his nose. Did he do something in his life to deserve this? He always thought that he was a good person. So how did this happen? Why is he being punished for wanting to actually _live_ his own life? Would Mother be as upset with him as Father is? He’s going to have to phone her and let her know what happened before Father gets his hooks in her.

Castiel is still wrapped up in his thoughts when Dean moves them again. With some maneuvering and gentle guidance, Dean gets the both of them onto their sides and facing each other. It’s almost second nature for them to slot their legs together so they can lie comfortably. Without thinking, Castiel curves an arm over Dean’s waist and fists his other hand in his shirt. This is more comfortable than how they were sitting before and he would happily fall asleep right now just to get away from everything that happened today.

His eyes stay closed as Dean starts running his hands through his hair again. It feels just as good as before and he’d love to just stay like this forever and never have to deal with anything else ever again. He can feel Dean’s breath on his face from how close they are. Oddly enough, he likes that just as much as he likes having Dean’s thumb and fingertips trace along his cheek and jaw. This is so calming and it’s doing wonders to make Castiel feel better. Wherever Dean learned this, it’s absolutely magical.

Which is why there are moments where Castiel gets the overwhelming urge to kiss him while they’re lying like this. All it takes is tilting his chin up slightly and Dean meets him halfway, returning the kiss with a gentle press of his lips. Some of them are a little harder than necessary, but those are the moments when Castiel’s thoughts are starting to deviate towards angering memories again and he needs a good distraction from them.

It takes some time, but eventually Castiel feels _normal_ again. He still has worries building up somewhere in the back of his mind, but it’s not so forefront or completely overpowering everything in his head like earlier. The gentle touches and the occasional kiss work wonders at smoothing out his ruffled edges. It’s only then that he finally opens his eyes. His heart thuds painfully against his ribs when he finds Dean’s eyes locked on his and a small smile filling his face.

Dean’s thumb brushes his cheek again, leaving a tingling path in its wake. “You gonna be okay?”

“Maybe.” Castiel can’t bring himself to speak any louder than a whisper. He shrugs and pulls Dean a little closer. When it comes to Dean, they can never be too close. “I don’t want to move out.”

“You don’t have to.” The answer is immediate and Dean’s smile remains soft, helping ease Castiel’s worries all over again. “We’ll figure that out, don’t worry.”

This isn’t fair either. Dean shouldn’t be so understanding. It’s just making Castiel fall for him all the more. His feelings might show in his eyes and he closes them again, nodding to let Dean know that he heard him and he understands. But if he’s going to talk about his worries right now, then there’s more he has to say.

“I don’t want to be a doctor.”

“You don’t have to do that either.” Dean’s lips brush his cheek before he presses a kiss to the corner of Castiel’s mouth. It’s a gentle reassurance. “Take the classes that you want to take, Cas, and drop the ones you don’t.”

Everything sounds so simple when Dean says it, but Castiel knows better. “But Father said he’s going to cut me –”

“Let ‘em.” Dean cuts him off with a quiet sigh. Their noses brush as he turns his head to press another kiss to Castiel’s lips. “If your dad cuts you off, then you can get a part time job or something. I can give you a break on the rent until you get your feet back under you.”

See? He _knew_ Dean would be this kind and accepting, as he always is. But it’s too much. “That’s not fair to you, Dean.”

“It’s fine.” Castiel can feel Dean shrug and there’s a smile against his lips. “I was basically paying for this place on my own before you came along. Don’t worry about it, okay?” The smile turns into another gentle kiss. “I want you to be happy, Cas. So, do what makes you happy.”

There are very few things in this world that make Castiel happier than this. Of all the things that make him happy, right now all he can think of is kissing Dean. With all that’s happened today, he sees no reason in denying himself this any further. Dean grins up at him as Castiel swings a leg over him and rolls over until he’s on top of him. He might say something in the interim before he kisses him, but Castiel can only focus on one thing at a time when it comes to this.

Yes, this was the right decision. He was absolutely correct in choosing to kiss Dean right now. Because he is _very_ happy with this. It’s a pleasant distraction from having to deal with reality at the moment. That can wait. After the kisses have run out and the good feelings are gone again, that’s when he can step up and be an adult. That’s when he can cancel his classes and look for a job. But now – now he can just kiss Dean for as long as he’s allowed.

Which is apparently several long minutes later. He whines a soft sound of displeasure when Dean’s hands push into his hair and _pull_. It doesn’t hurt, but he’s physically keeping Castiel from being able to kiss him. Dean holds his head back and he turns his head just enough that his lips are out of reach. That’s just _rude_. Why would he do such a thing? But there’s a smile on those lips, so Castiel might very well forgive him for it.

“You know…” Dean’s grin almost literally puts a sparkle in his eye, filling them with the sense of mischief. “There are _other_ ways that you can pay the rent.”

Maybe it’s the brain fog he always gets when he kisses Dean, but Castiel has no idea what he’s talking about. He blinks away the haze in his head. Another frown creases his forehead while he tries to think about what Dean could mean. How else could he pay for rent? Oh, maybe Dean means that he could do chores and things around their home to pay for room and board? That happens often in some of the books that Castiel has read.

Dean’s smile grows slightly hesitant. “It’s just a joke, Cas.”

But what _is_ it? “I don’t get the joke.”

“You’re a dirty liar.” He rolls his eyes and his hands start sliding down Castiel’s back. “There’s no way you didn’t get that.”

Except that Castiel really doesn’t. What’s so funny about doing chores? How does _that_ constitute a _joke_? He tilts his head while he tries to figure it out. “How else would I pay the rent if I don’t have the money to –” Everything clicks into place the moment Dean’s hand curve over his ass and give it a hard squeeze. “Oh!” _That’s_ the joke!

Though inelegant, Castiel’s laughter starts with a snort. It just gets worse from there and he sags against Dean’s chest, shaking with laughter. If he could find his words right now, he’d thank Dean for this. Being able to still laugh feels _so good_. Especially with Dean grinning like he just managed to save the world. And he’s still grinning, even when he reaches guides Castiel back up and into another kiss.

That one doesn’t last as long as before, primarily because Castiel’s phone rings only a few minutes later. It plays the jingling circus like tune that Gabriel selected for himself. With a sigh, Castiel breaks away from the kisses. He’s not surprised that he’s calling, but he wishes that his brother had better timing than this.

“Ignore it.” Dean murmurs. He’s the snake in the tree, tempting Castiel from what he knows he should do. “You can talk to him later.”

“And then how am I going to explain why I missed his call?” With a laugh, Castiel extracts himself from Dean’s clutches. “I’ll only be a minute.”

He gets a pout for his troubles before Dean sighs and lets him go. “Fine, fine. But if talking about it gets you all sad again, I fully expect compensation for bringing back your smile.”

Castiel squeezes his thigh as he stands and flashes him a grin. “You know I’m always good for it.” And that will be something to look forward to, because he _knows_ that this is going to upset him. Some way, somehow, he is _not_ going to be happy with the results of this call.

Thankfully, he has Dean. And maybe more so than he ever thought he did. Because everything that just happened has only fed the little fire of hope burning bright inside his chest. What kind of _fuck buddy_ would be so supportive and comforting as Dean just was?


	27. Chapter 27

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Well that’s entirely new to Castiel. He’s never heard of something like that before. The look of surprise on his face must communicate this to Sam because he laughs and claps him on the shoulder. “How about that, Cas? We could send your dad an exploding box of glitter.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **No warnings for this chapter**.
> 
> This chapter takes place between [Chapter Ten](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4478031) and [Chapter Eleven](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4684008) of the A Little Patience story line.

Castiel is a simple man. He is a simple man who enjoys simple things. His needs are few and, in this case, he is more than content with laying in his bed with Dean. The call with Gabriel had been short and sweet. Gabriel is proud of him for finally standing up to their father, and he’s on Castiel’s side one hundred percent. After the call, Dean was still up for cuddling and there was no way he was going to say no to that. He’s not as depressed as he was earlier, but the future is daunting and Castiel feels overwhelmed just from the short chat he had with Gabriel.

As soon as his smile started to fade, Dean pulled him back to his bed for more cuddling mixed with the occasional kiss. Honestly, it’s just perfect. Castiel wishes that they could stay like this always. He would happily never move from this spot if nothing required him to. Of course, his life is far from perfect and these moments aren’t allowed to him for too long.

Dean’s phone does eventually start beeping with a text message. Luckily he doesn’t let go when he answers it. One arm stays wrapped around Castiel, holding him to his chest, while Dean digs his phone out of his pocket and checks the screen. He swears immediately and turns his head to groan into Castiel’s hair. Now what could it have been?

“He’s on his way home and wants to know if you’re home yet.” The touch-keyboard makes the tapping noise as he starts typing out a response. Clearly he hasn’t disabled that – even though he’s complained about Sam’s phone making that noise. “Looks like date night went well, but Jess has work in the morning so he’s coming home.”

That sounds nice, but Castiel tightens his hold around Dean’s waist and wiggles closer. He really doesn’t want to let go yet. His hug makes Dean laugh and he presses a kiss to Castiel’s forehead. “I told him to let me know when he’s on his way up so I’ll know he’s safe and shit.”

Castiel nods and hums his answer. That means they can stay like this for at least a little longer. But even that doesn’t feel like long enough when the phone beeps again. Thankfully, when they’re on their feet again, Dean takes the chance to cup Castiel’s face between his hands and kiss him until his toes start to curl in his socks.

“Smile, Cas.” He whispers against his lips. “You’re not alone in this.”

He feels light headed as he all but staggers to the door. The chain needs to be lifted before Sam gets upstairs. Castiel hasn’t even had the chance to walk away from that before Sam is bursting in only to immediately pull him into a tight hug. It’s the kind that squeezes the air from his lungs and lifts Castiel off his feet for a second.

“Dean said your dad was being a dick and you came home sad!” Sam puts him down again and takes a moment to kick out of his shoes and shut the door properly. “Do you want to talk about it? I know a guy with a squadron of pigeons that he rents out to shit on people’s cars as a prank, if you want me to make that call.”

Dean is currently in his bedroom and he starts laughing just at the suggestion. “You’ve never mentioned knowing this guy before!”

“Well, I don’t _know_ him. But he’s some guy online.” He shrugs and rolls eyes. “It’s like one of those websites where you ship an envelope of glitter to someone you hate.”

Well that’s entirely new to Castiel. He’s never heard of something like that before. The look of surprise on his face must communicate this to Sam because he laughs and claps him on the shoulder. “How about that, Cas? We could send your dad an exploding box of glitter.”

Dean chooses then to chime in from his bedroom. “He’ll be cleaning fairy herpes out of the carpet for the next century.”

“I think that would just make him even _angrier_ with me.”

“That’s the beauty of it, Cas.” Sam gives his shoulder a squeeze before he heads into the kitchen. “It’s all anonymous. He’d have no idea who sent it. _Suspicions_ , but nothing concrete unless he can do a money trace or something.”

As tempting as these plans are, Castiel shakes his head. “I think I’ll just stay off his radar for the time being. He’s not going to want anything to do with me after this afternoon.”

“Yeah, about that.” Sam pops his head up over the fridge door. “Am I ever going to get details on what happened or is Dean just going to lord it over me forever that he knows something I don’t?”

Castiel leans back against the couch with a sigh. “Long story short, I’m basically disowned because I didn’t tolerate him insulting both me and my friends. He wanted me to move out and get new friends because he considers you to all be _low class_ and I told him off for it.” His nose wrinkles unhappily just thinking back on it. “Then I told him that I don’t want to be a doctor anymore and that I want to try taking classes about photography.”

Sam winces while he pours himself a large glass of milk. “Damn. I don’t doubt that he didn’t take that well. I barely met him today and I could tell he was an ass.”

“You don’t know the half of it.” He sighs and rubs a hand over his face. Since Dean is within earshot, Castiel won’t bother mentioning what he said about his feelings for him. In fact, no one can know about that. Especially since no one has ever been told about that in the first place.

“I don’t know about the rest of you, but I think we’ve all had a long day.” Dean doesn’t bother muffling his yawn and he stretches his arms above his head. “Are we gonna turn in for the night or is anyone interested in a movie marathon or something? I don’t work tomorrow and you don’t have class, right?”

Even if he did, Castiel doubts that he would be going to any after today. If only because going would mean that his father’s threats were effective. But he feels bad not going at all. Maybe he should just spend tomorrow withdrawing from every class. At least that way the majority of the money will be refunded. And he bought all his textbooks second hand. He still has the receipt somewhere to return them. That’s more money that can be put towards his savings for the bills he’ll have to start paying himself. Of course, that’s only if he doesn’t call his father and ask for forgiveness.

“Today has just been exceptionally draining.” Castiel runs a hand over his face and glances between the brothers. “You don’t mind if I go to bed now, do you?”

“Not at all, Cas.” Sam gives him a thumbs up before draining his milk. “Dean gave me some info in the texts and you’ve got my gold seal to stay here no matter what. We’ll work things out. The Winchester family is small, but we’re still a family and we look after our own.”

Dean sniffs and wipes away a tear that doesn’t exist. “I raised him so well. Couldn’t have said it better myself, Sammy.”

The knowledge that he’s so loved by the Winchesters warms Castiel heart more than they’ll ever know. He ducks his head to hide how his face feels like it’s getting hot. If they haven’t noticed already, then they probably will soon. Castiel covers it more by mumbling a thank you and going to his bed to dig out some pajamas.

As soon as Sam is in his bedroom, Dean meanders over to Castiel to gives him one final hug. “If you need a reminder about the good things that’re gonna come out of tonight, I’ll leave my door open for you to sneak in, okay?”

“Thank you, Dean.” That sounds sorely tempting, but with Sam in the next room over, it’s likely best that he shouldn’t take Dean up on that offer.

Dean cuffs him on the chin in an affectionate gesture as he pulls away. “Seriously, lemme know if there’s anything else y’need me to do. We’re here for you.”

Castiel ducks his head again, this time to hide his smile. “I know.”

His Father might be an asshole, but his friends more than make up for it.

*

For the first time in a long time, Castiel actually _sleeps_ in much longer than he usually does on the weekend. Normally he would sleep in by an hour or so before going for a run. This time around, Castiel sleeps in by _hours_. He doesn’t even remember waking up and turning off his alarm. All he knows is that it’s almost noon by the time he opens his eyes. It feels _good_ to sleep in and he can see why people enjoy doing it when they can.

However, he doubts most people who sleep in will wake up to Dean Winchester crouched at the edge of their bed with his finger just inches from their nose. Dean’s look of concentration spreads into a wide grin when he sees that Castiel is awake now. “Good morning, sunshine! It’s time to get up and at’ em!”

Did Dean poke him in the nose? Is that why he woke up? Either way, how rude. Castiel groans and pulls his blanket over his head. Why should he get up? If he gets up, he’s just going to have to deal with the fallout from yesterday. If Father spoke to Mother at all, then she’s probably tried to get a hold of him by now. And then he has to figure out if he actually wants to disappoint his parents completely and withdraw from his classes or not.

It’s all too much to think about or deal with and he doesn’t want to do it right now – or ever.

“Aw, c’mon, Cas.” Dean puts a hand on his shoulder and the other on his hip and gives Castiel a good shake. “You can’t stay in bed all day. Y’gotta get up and go to the bathroom, and eating would probably be nice.” He shakes harder when Castiel doesn’t move. “And you muted your phone in the middle of the night, so it’s been flashing messages all morning.”

Castiel groans again and sneaks a hand out from under the covers, groping for his phone on the night stand. Dean takes pity and hands it to him, and then promptly rips the blankets off his head. The light doesn’t hurt too badly, but damn him. Since when has Dean been such a perky person? He’s probably like this in an attempt to cheer Castiel up. As much as he appreciates that, he hates it just a little bit too.

He squints at his screen and frowns. There are nine missed calls and _twenty-three_ text messages. Unsurprisingly, they’re not all from the same person. Some of the calls and messages are from Gabriel earlier this morning. The others are spaced throughout the night and into the morning, and they’re all from his _mother_. Again, Castiel groans and he shoves his phone under his pillow. He doesn’t want to deal with anyone in his family right now.

Dean is still watching him expectantly and Castiel avoids his eyes by rolling over. “I’m staying in bed.”

“Aw, c’mon, Cas. Don’t be like that.”

“I _am_ going to be _like that_.” He huffs and wiggles under his blanket a little more, getting comfortable. This will be the first time in his life that he’s stayed in bed past noon, but he’s going to damn well do it.

“Cas, I practically raised Sam through his school years.” The bed dips as Dean’s knee slides onto it. “Do you _really_ think that you’re going to be able to get away with this?” He leans over Castiel, one hand pressing into the mattress on the other side of him.

Castiel doesn’t even bother turning to look at him. “Yes, I do.”

“Oh, really?” The curiosity is strong in Dean’s voice and he leans down until Castiel can feel his breath on his cheek. “What makes you so confident about that, huh?”

A number of reasons, really. But only one stands out from the rest. “Because yesterday you saw what I’m capable of and you know that I could knock you off your feet without getting up.”

The whole room falls silent for likely a whole minute before Dean gets off the bed. “Alright, that’s a pretty good point. Y’got me there, Cas.” He leaves the room only to come back a few moments later. This time he drops something on the bed directly in front of Castiel’s nose. “Here. Let _that_ get you up and outta bed.”

It’s a box of Kraft Dinner. How would this, in any world, be enough to get him up? “I don’t understand.”

Dean leans over and taps the box. “Food.”

“I’m not hungry.” Okay, that’s not exactly the truth. The longer that he’s awake, the hungrier Castiel is getting. But he’s going to stand his ground, figuratively speaking.

With a sigh, Dean picks up the KD box and wiggles it. “ _Food_ that I, the great Dean Winchester, am going to teach you how to cook.”

Sam’s voice suddenly comes down the hall, sounding from his bedroom. “Are we lifting the ban on Cas using the stove?”

“For cooking lessons with me, yes.” Dean laughs and gives Castiel’s shoulder a shake. “C’mon, Cas. Don’t waste this wonderful opportunity to learn from the Master of all things Kraft Dinner.”

Castiel groans and rolls onto his back, if only so he can finally glare up at Dean. “Why now?” It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate Dean’s attempt to lighten his moods, or everything that he promised him yesterday, but it’s just – Can’t Dean allow him this one chance to sulk?

Dean shakes his head and leans down to poke the tip of his nose again. “Because you’re just going to lie here and stew about what happened yesterday. I want you to get back on your feet, distract yourself for a bit, and carry on like the big boy that you are. Bu-u-u-ut, if you _really_ want to be a big ol’ sourpuss about a golden opportunity for you, then tell me now and I’ll go piss off. Otherwise, get your butt outta bed and come bond with your best friend.”

Well, now Castiel just feels guilty for wanting to lie here out of sheer laziness to keep from dealing with anything else. But he’s also stubborn, so he crosses his arms and pouts. “I don’t want to.”

“Fine then.” With a shrug, Dean turns on his heel and walks away. “You say that, but I know you’re going to get up before I’m even in the kitchen.”

“What makes you so sure of that?”

Dean glances over his shoulder, a sly smile on his lips and what could very well be a twinkle in his eye. “Because I’m awesome and you’re not going to be up a chance to cook with me.” To add to his point, Dean wiggles his ass and all but flounces right out of the room. “If you’re going to join me, you have _five minutes_ to get ready or I’m starting without you. And if I start without you, the stove isn't’ the only thing I’m going to ban you from.”

There are any number of things that Dean is referring to, but to Castiel’s ears the only thing he’s talking about is the sexy things they do together. If he had just started with that as his attempt at coercion, Castiel would have been out of this bed long before the Kraft Dinner box had been brought into play. The last thing he would risk losing right now is his connection to intimacy with Dean. Even if he lost the sex, he wouldn’t mind so much. But not being able to hold him or be held by him? To kiss him and not be turned away for looking at him with more affection than any friend would? No, he absolutely will _not_ let those disappear from his grasp – not even if it’s just temporary.

Castiel is well aware that he’s being manipulated as he sighs loudly and kicks the blankets off. As he rolls out of bed, he gets his cell phone out from underneath the pillow. Dean thinks he’s just going to be denying him sex. It’s not his fault that he doesn’t know about Castiel’s feelings and the full extent of why he clings to their sexual relationship. He can’t be _too_ mad about this, but he’s still not entirely pleased with it. Once Sam gives them some time alone, he’ll have a talk with Dean about how he doesn’t like being treated like this. If he wants to sulk, Dean should let him sulk. It’s not like he’s going to be in a moody funk forever.

As such, he makes sure to throw Dean one of his darkest glares as he passes the entrance to the kitchen. All Dean responds with is a bright smile and a double thumbs up. He’s practically gleaming with pride and Castiel rolls his eyes at it as he ducks into the washroom. This is one of those mornings where he’s not in the mood to stand and take his morning piss. Instead, he sits and uses the time to scroll through the text messages on his phone.

Half the ones from his mother are in French, meaning that she was rather distraught when she was sending them. The others are in English and they all reference last night. It looks like Father did contact her after all and told her that Castiel is going to be disowned. He wouldn’t explain anything and Mother is begging for Castiel to tell her what happened or answer his phone.

Gabriel’s messages are much shorter and far simpler. **_CAL ME ASAP GOO D NES GO OD NEWS!!!!_ ** Did he turn off his auto-correct? This is just shameful.

Unfortunately for his family, he has no intention of calling anyone back this morning. He will absolutely feel like a terrible son, but it’s also a nine hour time difference between them and who even knows what Mother is doing right now. For all he knows, she could be attending some fancy evening party and he’ll just be interrupting her with his call. Castiel can come up with a hundred and one good reasons not to call her back. And if she’s really upset or curious, she’ll call again soon enough. When she does, _that’s_ when he’ll answer.

Before finishing with his morning business, including the brushing of teeth and the application of deodorant, Castiel clears his notifications and turns the sound of his phone back on. Now he won’t miss any more messages or phone calls. And if Gabriel or their mother demands to know why he wasn’t answering before, the honest truth will be that he slept in. The lie will be that he didn’t bother checking his phone after he woke up because he wasn’t in the mood to see if Father contacted him.

Oh, shoot. No, that’s a plan that won’t work. Their messaging apps have little notifications when a message has been read. Damn. He’ll have to think of something else then. In the meantime, ignoring his phone is his game plan and Castiel is going to stick to it. Ignoring it and making Kraft Dinner with Dean, that is. Though… Should he spare them both that lesson plan? There’s something about Castiel’s history with Kraft Dinner that Dean doesn’t know about yet.

When he shuffles into the kitchen still in his pajamas, Dean is still somehow maintain a cheerful attitude. “Okay, you ready for this, Cas?”

“I suppose.” He shrugs. “Though I feel like I should point out that –”

Castiel cuts himself off when Dean slings an arm around his waist, pulling him in for a hug. As if on instinct, he leans into the hug, leaching from it every ounce of comfort he can. The last thing he expects right now, considering that Sam is home, is a lingering kiss on the lips and a hand on his cheek.

Dean’s thumb brushes under his eye a few times and his smile is soft. “It’s gonna be okay. Me and Sam, we’re here for you. Gabe too. We’re all on your side and you don’t need a shitty dad when you’ve got us. Just remember that for me, and for you, okay?”

He ducks his head to lean it on Dean’s shoulder, happily stealing a moment that Sam could easily walk in on. “Thank you, Dean.” Even though these are the same words that were told to him last night, it’s still nice to hear them again now. They really do manage to lighten his mood somewhat.

By some miracle, Sam doesn’t interrupt them. In fact, they get to hug for a good while before Dean steps back, his bright smile in place again. “Okay, so, first things first: You _never_ need to put the burner on full. Medium is usually enough but medium-high can sometimes be okay.”

Alright, that’s a new one to him and it makes no sense at all, but it does remind Castiel of the thing he was supposed to tell Dean about. “I know how to make mac and cheese.” His announcement seems to catch Dean off guard, so he continues. “This is the only thing I never messed up while I was living in the dorms. I made it every other night in the shared kitchens after Gabriel showed me how to make it.”

Dean’s jaw actually has the audacity to drop. “Why didn’t you say so before?”

Castiel shrugs and picks up the box of Kraft Dinner to read the instructions, just in case they might have changed since he last made it. “You never asked and then you banned me from the stove after that one morning where I tried to make pancakes.”

“Oh, alright then.” After a moment of silence, Dean grabs the pot of water on the stove and dumps it in the sink. “Fine, I guess I’m teaching you how to make some goddamn pancakes.”

As he swaps out the pot for the pan, Dean directs Castiel to put away the box of KD and to get out a series of ingredients from the cupboards. And that marks the beginning of the lessons on _pancakes_ – which Castiel has yet to decide whether or not it’s the most or least useful thing he’s ever learned. He can see the benefits of knowing it, but to have it now for next to no reason at all is – well, it’s rather interesting, to say the least.

Dean walks Castiel through every step of the process of making pancakes. He tells him which ingredients he needs and why, and what additional ingredients he can throw in if he wants to make them taste even better. Castiel devotes to memory the exact measurements that Dean uses, all of which he does without using a single measuring cup or spoon. Once the batter is made, he turns back to the pan again, which has been heating on the stove.

“Just like the pot, your pan doesn’t need to be on max heat for this, okay?” He adjusts the dial a few notches while explaining. “Low-medium will work just fine.”

This is the part that didn’t make sense to Castiel before. “But they’ll cook faster at high heat.”

“They will, but you run a better risk of burning them.” Dean shrugs and this time he actually uses a scoop to ladle out the batter into the pan. “Plus, high heat damages your pots and pans. Nothing needs to be on _high_ like that, okay?”

Castiel raises an eyebrow, doubtful. Why would stoves include such a high heat if you weren’t meant to use them? “Are you sure?”

“Yeah, it’ll warp the centers of them, usually.” Dean continues to explain while he ladles a second pancake into the pan. For the third, he hands the scoop to Castiel and has him do it.

His hand stays surprisingly stable while he pours the batter, making sure to not have any overlap with the other two. “I never knew this.” Why didn’t they have classes like this in high school? Learning life lessons like this would have been far more useful than half the things he did learn.

“Well, now you do.” Dean laughs and bumps their shoulders together as he grabs a spatula. “Now shut up and let me explain to you this shit about _bubbles_.”

For a moment Castiel thinks he means that the pan itself will bubble. But then he notices the little ones popping in the pancake batter and he feels like an idiot. Luckily Dean doesn’t notice and goes right on with his explanation of how much batter should go in the pan at one time – depending on the size of the desired pancakes. Castiel listens with rapt attention as Dean describes how to tell with just a glance when a pancake is ready to be flipped, and how to check the bottom for confirmation before flipping. He walks Castiel through flipping techniques and which spatula works best for it, even letting him flip one of them without incident.

Dean does the first few batches, letting Castiel manage one of the three he makes at a time. The last couple batches, before the batter is completely used up, are done solely by Castiel’s hand. He is ridiculously proud of how well they turn out. There isn’t a single burned one in the batches, and when they’re all mixed in with Dean’s, he can’t tell them apart. The pride in Dean’s smile is enough to make him blush – and the quick kiss he gets as a reward only makes it more pronounced.

Once they’re seated at the kitchen table with full plates and a bottle of maple syrup, Dean gestures at their pancakes. “Next time, we should make these with bacon – and I’m not talking about having it on the side. Bacon pancakes are the _best_ because bacon makes everything better.”

“I’ve had bacon _with_ pancakes, but never _in_ pancakes.” That’s another new concept for him and Castiel wishes he knew where Dean learned all these things. Was it the internet?

“It’s an experience, Cas.” Dean gets a dreamy look on his face as he sits back. “You need to try them one day. Next time you wanna make some pancakes, I’ll show you how to do it, kay?”

Castiel nods and Dean breaks into a wide grin. “It’s a date then.”

Four words is all it takes for his heart to start beating harder than it ever has before. He knows what Dean means, but it still makes him blush and duck his head to focus on eating his pancakes. Hopefully no one will notice it. Dean is more or less occupied with eating his own pancakes and calling for Sam to get some before they eat them all. Sam, on the other hand, could be much more observant. He breathes a sigh of relief when Sam joins them without making any commentary on how they look.

Sam digs right into his pancakes and eats a total of three of them before he looks up at Castiel and broaches one of the subjects that he wants to avoid entirely. “Are you going to do the voluntary withdrawals for your summer courses today? The deadline to do that is coming up to do that.”

With a groan, Castiel puts down his fork and knife to hold his head in his hands. No matter how much he wants it, he apparently can’t avoid this at all. “I don’t know.” He sighs and looks up at Dean and Sam in hopes that they’ll offer some kind of advice. “If I withdraw, Father is going to officially cut me off for sure.” That is, if he hasn’t done so already because of Castiel’s confession regarding Dean.

Dean drops his knife and puts his hand on Castiel’s shoulder to give it a squeeze. “I might be biased because your dad’s a dick and he said some hurtful shit last night about everyone, but I think you should do it. Withdraw and strike out on your own.”

At Castiel’s wide-eyed look, a laugh bubbles in Dean’s throat and he shakes his head. “I don’t mean that literally, Cas. I meant it when I said that me and Sam are here to help. You’ll always have a place here with us. Promise.”

Sam swallows around a particularly large mouthful of pancake before nodding. “As true as that is, I also think that you should talk to your mom, Cas.” He waves his fork at him for emphasis. “She’s one of the deciding powers in your family, right? Before you make any big decisions, you should talk to her. She might be able to keep your dad from being an asshole and cutting you off.”

Though Sam does have a point, he also doesn’t know that the majority of the family money is in his father’s accounts. The family business is run by him, after all. He gives Mother an allowance, but they don’t have joint accounts. Mother does have her own money from her family’s business and her investments, but it’s much less compared to Father’s. Castiel doesn’t want to ask for her to cover his bills any more than he wants to ask his father to. His pride won’t allow it.

He sighs and rubs a hand over his face. “I really don’t want to deal with anyone in my family right now.” And that includes Gabriel. All Castiel wants to do is crawl back into bed and sleep for a thousand years so he doesn’t have to deal with his future. Preferably, he would do that with Dean cuddled up and holding him through it all.

Be that as it may, Castiel sits back knowing that there is a grim pall on his face. “Can I use one of your bedrooms to make the call to my mother?”

Dean’s smile softens. “Yeah, of course you can. Use mine.” He only has a few bites left on his plate and he eats them quickly before standing. “I gotta leave within the hour anyways. Someone from the garage needs the second half of their shift covered and I volunteered to get the extra hours. It counts as overtime because I already worked my full forty this week.”

He grins and winks at both Castiel and Sam. “Let me change first and then the room’s all yours.”

“Thank you, Dean.” Castiel does his best to smile and not show any of his disappointment that Dean won’t be home today. He would have liked to spend the day with him – for comfort reasons, of course.

The rest of his pancakes don’t taste as good now that Dean isn’t sitting with them, but Sam makes up for it by striking up a conversation about Castiel’s predictions about the next Game of Thrones episode. It’s an almost pointless topic, considering they have both read the books and know what’s coming next. However, it’s rather nice to discuss about what differences there will be between the show and the books, as adaptations are never _exactly_ the same.

*

“Please, mon chouchou?” Mother has her pleading voice on and it’s made all the more obvious by how she uses the one term of endearment that she reserves for when she’s desperate. Castiel has always been weak when she calls him her blue eyed boy. “Your father will not explain a thing to me. Why is he cutting you off?”

With a sigh, Castiel leans back against Dean’s pillows and stares at the ceiling. “Take your pick, maman. It could have been anything that I said last night.”

Mother goes silent for a moment before proceeding with caution. “What did you say to him?” Clearly she’s worried that whatever it is will upset her too. She doesn’t want to be angry with him anymore than she wants Father to be angry with him.

He takes a deep breath and lays an arm over his eyes. “Father called my friends low class and demanded that I move out, but I told him that I don’t want to move out. I also told him off for insulting my friends. Then he started insulting me and I told him off for that too.”

Castiel bites his lip because the next bit is something he doesn’t want to tell his Mother either. She was so proud of him for pursuing a career in medicine and she’s going to be disappointed with him now. But if she’s going to find out, he wants it to be from him. “Among the many things I told him yesterday, one of them was that I no longer want to be a doctor.”

The only thing he’s going to keep from her is his feelings for Dean. Castiel doesn’t care if his Father hates him for loving a man, but he absolutely doesn’t not want his mother to know. She is a very religious woman and though the topic of homosexuality hasn’t come up in their conversations before, he doesn’t want to risk disappointing her even further. Granted, Mother has been a rather open minded woman her whole life. She might take it better than Father did. Except that mentioning it would open a whole new can of worms that he doesn’t want to deal with right now.

If he tells her about how he feels for Dean, Mother might start making _inquiries_. They would be the kind that Castiel would find _very_ hard to dodge. Mother would probably want to know about his relationship with Dean and how it got started and all manner of things. Castiel doesn’t even know if he would be able to lie his way through that, and he absolutely doesn’t want to run the risk of accidentally alluding to being Dean’s fuck buddy.

Yes, it’s best to completely avoid that topic for now. If she hasn’t learned it from Father yet, then he’s probably not going to tell her. He’s likely too mortified to tell _anyone_ about how one of his sons is homosexual. Of course, that’s not the whole story, but Castiel doubts that his father would be interested in listening long enough to learn about demisexuality and the many other sexualities out there.

“Oh.” Mother makes a soft sound of surprise, like she really wasn’t expecting that. Considering how Castiel has always been the model of a perfect son, he doesn’t doubt that she actually _wasn’t_ prepared to hear about how he directly defied his Father.

After another moment of silence, she sighs. “That is certainly interesting. Your Father _definitely_ did not mention any of that.”

“I’m not surprised.” At least she seems to be taking this better than Father did. “I also had the driver pull the car over and I got out on the side of the road. I bussed home because I couldn’t stand to be around him anymore.” Castiel holds his breath for a second before forcing out one of the most important things he can say to her. “I want to be my own person, maman. I don’t want to live under his thumb and be who _he_ wants me to be. I just – I only want to be _me_.”

“Of course, mon cher.” Mother’s voice stays soft and it immediately makes his nose start to sting with the precursor to tears.

Castiel pinches the bridge of his nose to try and impede the oncoming tears. “Are you mad at me too?” He sounds like a child but there’s nothing he can do to stop it.

“No, mon cher, I am not mad with you.”

His next breath is one of relief and some of the tension releases from his body, though not all of it. “But you’re disappointed with me and my choices.”

“A bit.” She sighs and Castiel can feel part of himself shrivel up. He can _hear_ the disappointment in her voice and it makes him never want to leave this bed for the rest of his life. “I just wish you would have told us sooner.”

So does he. Castiel sighs and knuckles at his eye, trying to keep back the tears that are still a very real threat. “A lot has happened to me since I moved out here, maman. I’ve grown a lot; emotionally, mentally, personally, and –”

“It is okay, mon bébé.” Mother interrupts, her voice soothing in the way that used to calm Castiel whenever he was upset about being away at boarding school. “You do not need to explain such things to me. I was your age too once upon a time.”

Well, it looks like she doesn’t hate him. That’s a load off Castiel’s shoulders and a tear does slip out – though it’s one of relief. “Thank you, maman. That – it means a lot to me that you’re still willing to talk to me, unlike certain people.”

Mother laughs, a quiet chuckle that sends a tight bubble of homesickness bubbling in his chest. He hasn’t seen her since Christmas and he misses her a lot. Castiel misses her more when she makes her next offer. “I can keep putting money in your account, if you need it, mon cher. It will not be nearly as much as what your father was giving you before, but your bills would be covered and –”

“No, no, maman. It’s fine.” Castiel shakes his head even though she can’t see him. “I don’t need you to do that.” It would certainly be helpful, but how is he ever supposed to become independent and take care of himself if he keeps using his parents’ money?

Immediately there’s panic in her voice again. “But how will you pay the rent? And what about school? Are you going to be dropping out completely?”

“I have savings.” He reminds her, keeping his voice calm so she’ll calm down too. “I never spent everything I was given before. What I’ve got in savings is more than enough to cover my rent and bills until I can get a job.”

Mother actually _gasp_ at that, making Castiel crack a smile. “You are going to get a _job_?”

“Hopefully.” It’s not like he’s really thought about it very much or anything. But it would make sense that he get one if he wants to keep going to school. “I figure that I should probably work the summer full time. When school starts in the fall, I’ll do part time classes and part time work.” Yes, this is starting to sound like a really good plan to him.

The little sigh that crackles over the phone sounds quite a bit like relief and Castiel’s smile brightens. “Alright, mon bébé, I understand. Are you going to tell me about what kind of classes you will be taking now that you are leaving medicine?”

Shit. That’s right. He hasn’t told her. Castiel squirms on the bed, suddenly embarrassed to talk about something that has been a dream of his for a very long time. “I’m – well, I just – I want to see what it would be like to pursue a career in photography. Maybe.”

“Oh!” Mother starts laughing, much louder than before. “I should have known. You have always loved holding a camera.”

Castiel can’t stop himself from smiling now. This is a topic that he never fails to talk about enthusiastically – especially when talking to one of the few people who has encouraged him to pursue this hobby. “I would really like to learn about composition and lighting. And I think they offer classes to learn about proper framing. I won’t know until I look into it more, but I think it’ll be really interesting. Sam and I are going to look into it –”

Mother interrupts him again, this time with a laugh. “You will be amazing at it, mon chouchou.”

Oh God, not that again. Castiel rolls his eyes with a sigh. “Maman, I’m going to be _twenty_ this year. Are you ever going to stop calling me that?”

“Non!” He can actually hear the grin in her voice. “You will always be mon chouchou, so do not _dare_ to try and take it away for me.”

They share a laugh over that and Castiel wipes another tear from his eye. Last night it had felt like his chest had been full of steel wool, filling him up and doing nothing but hurting him. Now, while talking to his mother, it feels like cotton balls. He feels warm and like everything is going to actually be alright. His mother doesn’t hate him, Dean still wants him to live here, and that’s about as right as the world can get for him right now.

After the laughter subsides, Mother’s voice goes soft again. “I will try to speak to your father. It might take some time, but I am sure he will accept you for who you are and what you want to do. If he could do it for Gabriel, he will do it for you.”

“Thank you, maman.” It’s a start, but it’s not going to hurt too much for him if Father doesn’t take him back. And, honestly, Castiel has his doubts about how that will go. There are some glaring differences between what happened with Gabriel and what went down last night.

“He loves you, mon cher.” She’s said it before, and Castiel believed her then. He’s struggling to try and believe it now. “Your father just has a – he has a different way of showing it.” Understatement. “And do not _ever_ forget that _I_ love you. I will always be here for you, mon bébé.”

Damn. Castiel closes his eyes. He thought he was past the point where he felt like he was going to cry. His voice shakes a little when he finally finds it for his answer. “Thank you, maman. I love you too.” He rubs at his eyes because he absolutely will _not_ cry about this. One tear was enough.

Finally, their conversation changes. It’s been awhile since Castiel spoke with his mother and they move on to lighter topics. They touch upon how Mother’s trip to France is going, and the results of yesterday’s tomorrow. One thing that she insists to continue paying for are his TaeKwonDo classes – even though Castiel thinks that he should stop taking them just to cut down on his expenses.

“Castiel, if you stop your sport you will get _fat_.”

“Don’t body shame, maman.” He sighs and rolls his eyes. “It’s not nice.”

The frown is so obvious in her voice that he can’t help but laugh at it. “I only worry for your health, mon bébé. I want you to take care of yourself.”

“I’ll be fine.” He tucks an arm behind his head as he gets more comfortable in Dean’s bed. “Need I remind you that I regularly use the track at the university? I went running every day that I had class.”

She huffs and the topic changes again to what Castiel wants her to bring him from France. Castiel thinks the topic is dropped again, up until their call is coming to a close. That comes rather suddenly when his call waiting signal starts interrupting and Castiel looks to see that it’s Gabriel. Mother choose then as a good time to end their call, as it’s getting late for her and she has things to do before bedtime.

Just before they hang up, she still manages to get the last word. “I love you, Castiel, and I will be paying for your TaeKwonDo no matter what you say! À plus tard, mon chouchou!” And then the line goes dead.

His mother is ridiculous, but Castiel is smiling when he answers Gabriel’s call. Before he can even get a greeting out, his brother seems to think it’s a good idea to _shout_ directly into his ear.

“Baby brother! I got you a _job_!”


	28. Chapter 28

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Cassie! Cassie, get back here!” He shouts into the hallway. “Cassie! You don’t know how to drive a car!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No chapter warnings!
> 
> This chapter takes place before and during [Chapter Eleven](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4684008) of the A Little Patience story line.

Castiel is a runner. He loves going for a jog and a brisk sprint around the track at the school. He is in top form for TaeKwonDo, and his feet haven’t hurt for him in _ages_. Today, they’re aching from how much damn _pacing_ he’s been doing, and it’s barely even noon yet. He’ll attribute that to his nerves and how he feels ready to jump right out of his skin. That and he’s only wearing socks while walking back and forth across the carpet in Gabriel’s living room – which he’s certain only has concrete underneath it.

A loud sigh from the couch draws Castiel’s attention from the papers in his hands. Gabriel is sprawled across it, looking as comfortable as can be. In fact, he’s also looking rather amused, if not a little annoyed with how Castiel just can’t seem to hold still.

He makes this all the more obvious by gesturing at the arm chair as soon as he notices that Castiel is looking at him. “For the love of God, Cassie, would’ja just sit the hell down and take a breather?”

“I can’t. I’ve never had an interview before.” Castiel shakes his head and turns back to his hand written list of everything he should cover in an interview. “I need to make sure this goes perfectly.”

On the bright side, his resume is perfect. It was meticulously put together as per every suggestion and template he could find online. The work experience is woefully empty, but Kali looked it over for him before she left for work and she thought it was wonderful. She was even impressed by how he had a portfolio ready with certificates of achievements, copies of his resume, and his list of topics to address. Gabriel says that he’s over prepared, but Castiel doesn’t believe that there’s such a thing.

“Little bro, listen to me.” Gabriel sighs again and fixes him with a flat look. “You don’t need any of that. The interview is just a formality. I already got Crowley to agree to hire you, so no matter what you’re gonna get the job.”

“I know, but I still want to make a good impression.” He pauses in his pacing long enough to stick his tongue out at Gabriel. “I want to show him that I have skills and –”

Gabriel interrupts as he sits forward. “And that you’re way overqualified for this position. Just answer one question, Cassie. Can you smile?”

An interesting question – and one that Castiel has no idea what it has to do with anything. “Yes?”

“Can you interact with people?”

Well, that depends on several things. “Sometimes?” Castiel knows there are some situations where he can be awkward, but he’s also confident that he’ll excel in any position once he learns what he should and shout not say. Besides, he has friends and he’s used to talking with people now.

“You’ll be fine, Cassie.” Gabriel waves his hand to dismiss any worries. “The most difficult part of your job is going to be working those coffee machines. Once you’re used to ‘em, they’ll be a snap for you.”

Technical things are a breeze for him, but Castiel is more worried about dealing with the high school students. Historically, he hasn’t had the best history with them. “Are you sure?”

“Absolutely.” The grin Gabriel gives him looks _a lot_ like his teasing smile. “I bet all the high school kids are gonna _love_ you. Dorky is, like, totally _in_ right now.”

A shiver runs down Castiel’s spine at the inflection and accent Gabriel uses. “Please don’t ever speak in that tone again.”

“What? You don’t like my valley girl?” He adopts a mock wounded look. “I thought it was genius!”

“No, it was just terrifying.”

Gabriel pouts and crosses his arms. “Spoilsport.”

“Just shut up and let me continue rehearsing in my head.” Castiel flaps his portfolio at him and takes to pacing again. “I need to be prepared.”

After a moment of silence, Gabriel clears his throat. “So, I shouldn’t tell you that we should leave right now or we’re going to be late?”

Castiel freezes and turns to stare at the clock on the wall above the TV. His heart stutters so hard at the time that it actually makes him feel light headed. “ _Gabriel!_ ”

“Don’t _Gabriel_ me! I told you this interview Is pointless. This isn’t my fault!”

He doesn’t have time to listen to this and Castiel runs to the door, sliding into his shoes while grabbing Gabriel’s car keys from their hook. If he goes out the door, he’s sure that Gabriel will follow soon enough. The more _he_ rushes, the faster his brother will move. Probably. Either way, Castiel is the one with the keys and he can already hear Gabriel scrambling to get his shoes on at the door.

“Cassie! Cassie, get back here!” He shouts into the hallway. “Cassie! You don’t know how to drive a car!”

*

The interview goes even less like an interview than what Castiel was expecting. In fact, it’s a lot more like what he believes _orientation_ is supposed to be like. He made sure to hand over his resume and ask if Crowley wanted a copy of his certificates of achievement – which apparently he did not. They discussed wages and what Castiel’s availability is. Aside from his TaeKwonDo classes, his schedule is wide open for any and all shifts.

Crowley made sure to touch on what would be appropriate to wear to work. Essentially any nondescript white shirt and black pants is acceptable. Luckily, that’s basically half of Castiel’s wardrobe. He’ll just have to make sure to wear one with long sleeves to cover his tattoo. And an undershirt so the black lines don’t show up through the fabric of his shirt. Either way, he’ll make it work.

After the meeting, Castiel even got to meet with the other employees. There are a couple people on kitchen staff and Meg, who works the front more or less on her own. Castiel’s duties will be assisting her at the cash register and with making drinks – depending who takes which task. He even got to watch her punch in a couple orders and make the coffee, just to get an idea of what he’ll be doing.

Tomorrow he’ll get proper training, considering it’s going to be his _first shift ever_. And that is a fact that keeps Castiel nervous, though thoroughly excited, for the whole ride from the café to his apartment. Gabriel chatters away the whole ride while Castiel stares out the window, trying to get his nerves under control. He’s never had a _job_ before. Is it always this stressful before starting one? Or is it a onetime thing, considering this is his first job?

Any stress or indecisions Castiel has regarding his new job go completely out the window the moment he walks into the apartment and has three party poppers go off in his face. One of the little streamers gets caught in his hair and stays hanging in front of his eyes. He stays in place, blinking at the three culprits. Sam, Jess, and Dean are all standing together with the biggest, dopiest smiles on their faces. Hanging above the entrance into the kitchen is a hastily taped together, handwritten sign reading ‘ _Congratulations Cas!_ ’ that reads across several pieces of paper.

For a solid few minutes, Castiel simply stares at them with his mouth open. He finds his voice eventually and gestures at them and the sign. “What is this?”

Dean laughs and reaches out to pull Cas into the apartment fully. “You got a job!”

That’s technically true, but how do _they_ know that? “To your knowledge, I went to an _interview_.”

Jess pulls her cell phone out of her pocket and wiggles it under Castiel’s nose. “You’re brother texted us as soon as he dropped you off.”

Why that little _sneak_! That was Castiel’s news to give, not his. Gabriel is going to get an earful about this later. Castiel doesn’t have the option of doing that right now, because Dean snatches another party popper off the back of the couch and lets it go right in his face. He accompanies it with a congratulatory shout that makes all of them flinch in surprise.

“ _Dean_!” Castiel hisses and ducks his head, swatting the streamers and confetti out of his hair. “We have _neighbours_. Please try to be considerate.”

“They can suck it. I’m happy for you and nothing is gonna stop me from celebrating this.” He looks beyond delighted right now and Castiel doesn’t have the heart to tell Dean otherwise. “You start your first job _ever_ tomorrow and it’s going to be _awesome_.”

Sam throws an arm around Dean’s shoulders and leans into his side. “Really? Because I could’ve sworn that you _hated_ working at the café.”

He gets an elbow in the ribs for his sass. “Shut _up_ , Sammy.”

Jess pulls Sam away and gently pats at the spot where Dean elbowed him. “He didn’t _hate_ it, babe, he _loved_ it because the café is what brought Cas into our lives.”

That is only a partial truth and Castiel can’t resist pointing that out. “I was already in your lives before Dean befriended me at the café. I was in the majority of your classes, in case you’ve forgotten.”

With a sigh, Jess throws a flat look at him. “Shut up, Cas.”

Her frown breaks a second later into a bright smile, proving that she’s just being teasing. She’s not the only one either. Castiel may have wanted to point that out, but he was also joking with them in his own way. He’s fully aware that if it wasn’t for his connection with Dean, Jess and Sam would likely have never talked to him with the intent of befriending him. It would have been kept to school work and joint projects, should they have been placed together.

That said, it was the café that allowed Castiel to meet Dean in the first place. In fact, that might be part of the reason why he accepted Gabriel’s offer to get him a job there in the first place. Of course, he _really_ needed a job and he wasn’t about to look a gift horse in the mouth – especially considering that there is so much for him to do with taking his life in his own hands. The café will always hold a special place in his heart as the place where he first met Dean, but it pales in comparison to how thankful he is for his friends and their help. Even though the café is where his life changed for the better and Castiel is never going to forget it, his friends are the reason why he feels like he has a much better grip on his future than he did yesterday.

In an effort to change the topic and keep himself from stressing over everything he still has to do, Castiel kicks off his shoes and gestures at the mess left by the party poppers. “Are these and the banner the only things you’ve done for this – uh – surprise?”

“Yes, of course there’s more!” Jess abandons Sam’s side in favour of wrapping Castiel in the biggest hug she can possibly give. She even makes a concerted effort to lift him from his feet, though it doesn’t work very well. His toes are still very much on the ground.

Oh, really? Now his curiosity is officially piqued. “Such as?”

Her smile grows even brighter as she lets him go and steps back. “I baked you a cake!”

“And I helped!” Sam puffs up with pride even as he stretches up tall enough to rest his chin on the top of Jess’s head. “All Dean did was put up a couple measly decorations.”

“That’s because a couple of bastards took over my kitchen and wouldn’t let me help.” Dean frowns at the both of them and sticks out his tongue. “Even though I can the hell out of the both of them.”

Castiel raises an eyebrow at Dean, fighting the urge to smile. “That sounds like cannibalism.”

His witticism does not seem to be appreciated. Dean turns a frown on him. “Hey, watch it. Don’t make me make a determined effort to find out if you’re ticklish or not.”

As much as Castiel would _love_ to have Dean’s hands on him, he has an excellent track record with resisting tickling and he’s not about to lose to it now. “You would fail wholeheartedly.”

Dean narrows his eyes in suspicion. “Are you _sure_?”

“Absolutely.” He nods, making sure that his expression is like steel. Castiel has a will like iron and has _never_ shown how much it affects him when anyone has tickled him – ‘ _anyone_ ’ being Gabriel, of course.

While Castiel has a stare down with Dean, a silent battle of wills, Jess and Sam duck into the kitchen to prepare the cake. They’re even discussing using candles, and that cracks his cool demeanor. They’re treating this like it’s his birthday and he can’t believe how amazing his friends are.

The moment Castiel smiles, Dean does too and he loops an arm around his shoulders. “Just an FYI, but I’m also your best friend ever because I got you a _gift_.”

He must be joking. “It was an _interview_ , Dean. That isn’t worthy of a party on par with a birthday.” Despite that, Castiel’s heart jolts sharply with delight. What could Dean have possibly gotten him? Whatever it is, he knows he’s going to love it.

Dean puts a hand over Castiel’s mouth. “Just can it and let me say what my gift is, okay?” He continues when Castiel raises both eyebrows to indicate that he understands. “Good. As I was going to say, whatever dough you make from tomorrow on, I want you to save it. You’re not going to be paying a cent for our bills or the rent until you start classes.”

It takes a moment for all that information to sink in. When it does, Castiel turns to Dean fully and grabs his shoulder in surprise. “I can’t do that!”

“You absolutely can and you absolutely will.” He grins and puts his hand over Castiel’s. “Sammy already pays for some of the bills and I can cover the rent just like I did _before_ you moved in. It’s going to be just fine for a couple months. Don’t forget that we were just fine before you moved in. This summer isn’t going to break the bank.”

That is _exceptionally_ sweet of him, but Castiel can’t still feels terrible for not contributing. His savings would be more than enough to pay for his section of the rent over the summer. “But I –”

“But nothing.” Dean interrupts by covering his mouth again. “You need to get your feet back on the ground, Cas. Once you’re steady again and you’ve got your life on the track that _you_ want, _that’s_ when you can start paying rent again. This way, your money can go towards saving up for your classes in the fall. Sound good?”

Dear God, Castiel loves him _so much_. How can Dean be so thoughtful and nice to him? How can he just – It’s ridiculous. He’s impossible. Just flat out unbelievable. This is a dangerous thing to do, but Castiel pushes forward and shuffles Dean back out of the way of the kitchen entrance. He cups Dean’s face between his hands and kisses him with enough force to back him up another step. The kiss is just a quick thing and Castiel steps back as quickly as he had stepped forward, leaving Dean somewhat flushed. His lips are parted in a small ‘o’. It makes Castiel really want to kiss Dean again.

Instead, he simply smiles at him and steps away again. It’s a good thing that he does, as that’s when Sam and Jess make their epic return with the and a rousing rendition of ‘ _For He’s A Jolly Good Fellow_ ’. In a heartbeat, Dean shakes off his surprise and joins in with singing along, raising his voice above the others in a slightly off key tune. He’s doing it on purpose, but it just adds to the perfection of the moment.

It’s silly and sweet and just so _them_. Castiel rolls his eyes, but he blows out the candles with gusto while thanking every power that exists in this world and the next for the wonderful friends that he’s been blessed with. The wish he makes on the candles is one he carries in his heart always; to keep these three great friends in his life for as long as he possibly can.

*

Castiel has been on this website several times before to look at time tables and sign up for classes. Even so, he feels like he’s looking at a particularly complex math problem. Usually he enjoys that kind of challenge, but right now he just wants to close the laptop and shove it away. That’s not an option right now, not with Sam sitting at his side. It’s part of the reason he’s here; to keep Castiel from wanting to run away – and, of course, to help him sign up for his fall classes.

“Did you withdraw from all your current classes?” Sam asks while highlighting a line on his printed copy of the course listings. “Tomorrow is the last day to withdraw before you can’t get a refund for them.”

“I have.” He did that last night before Gabriel had picked him up to spend the night as his apartment.

Sam flashes him a bright smile and slides the paper over to him. “Great! That’s just one step down. Now, I’ve highlighted all the prerequisite classes you’re going to need to sign up for prior to entering the photography courses. Sign up for them now while you still have pre-registration powers.”

Just from a cursory glance at the list, Castiel can already tell that he has some of this classes under his belt. The rest though, he should take right away – or rather; as many of them as he can fit into his schedule for the fall.

“Which ones should I take first?” He asks the question out loud, even though he’s already thinking it over. “I’m going to have to pay for it myself, and I need to work through university so I can only take a half workload.” Castiel tallies up the number of classes he could take versus the number of days he can take shifts versus days off he’ll need for homework and studies.

“What about your scholarship?”

Sam raises a valid point and Castiel takes that into account with his mental tallies. “I’ll take the minimum required hours to keep it. The rest I’ll be paying out of pocket.”

The fact of the matter is, Castiel got the scholarship even though he came from a wealthy family. It was at the request of his parents that he applied for at least one. Because he didn’t feel that he needed it, Castiel made sure that he picked the smallest one offered to him. If he wasn’t trying to prove himself to his parents, he would have purposefully bombed the essay so someone who might have actually needed it could have had it. The subject of his scholarship is something he still feels rather guilty over.

After some deliberation, they determine what would be the most efficient order to take the classes. Sam fiddles with his phone while Castiel takes the time to look up the course availability and build his Fall schedule. He selects the minimum required hours for his scholarship and does his best to fit all of them within a span of two days. That’s the best he can do, though one course ends up being on a third day. He’ll accept having one class on his two days off.

This works out nicely. Now Castiel will be able to work three days a week and still have almost two whole days to relax and study. If needed, he could even accept additional shifts on those days. The schedule with his classes is rather tight, but it’ll do for right now. It’s like a weight off his shoulders when he’s finally signed up for the last of them and he can close the laptop with a relieved sigh.

Castiel takes a deep breath and looks to Sam, a weak smile on his lips. “Thank you for all your help.”

“Hey, don’t worry about it.” Sam puts his phone down and claps Castiel on the smile. “That’s what friends are for. Besides, Jess is the one who went and found the required course list for you.”

From the couch, Jess raises her voice to fill the entire apartment. “You’re welcome!”

She’s been making herself comfortable there ever since Dean ran out to do some errands. Usually Castiel would have gone with him, but Sam made the executive decision that now was the best time for them to work on figuring out his fall schedule. He figured that if Castiel didn’t do it right away, then he was likely never going to do it at all. While that isn’t _entirely_ accurate, it probably wasn’t that far off from what would have happened.

Castiel laughs and leans back in his chair to look at where Jess is waving from over the back of the couch. “Thank you, Jess.” He turns back to Sam, a wide smile pulling at his lips. “And thank you, Sam. I really appreciate everything that you and Dean are doing for me. I really don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such good friend as you, but I’m happy to have you.”

Spots of colour fill Sam’s cheeks and he reaches over to ruffle Castiel’s hair. “You’re practically family at this point, Cas. We’d do just about anything for you.” His eyes crinkle when he grins at him. “But don’t let Dean catch you getting all sappy. He hates these chick flick moments.”

After a beat of silence and a shared, knowing look between them, they both break down into snorting laughter. Jess’s laughter kicks up in the living room, joining theirs because it is just _so obvious_. Dean can deny it until his dying day, but literally _everyone_ knows that he loves chick flick moments. If he hated them, he wouldn’t continuously watch movies that are absolutely rife with them. But, that’s just another reason why Castiel loves him – and why he loves being a part of this family.

*

“Here’s something for lunch.” Dean places a paper bag in Castiel’s lap as they’re pulling up in front of the café. “I know you get discounts here, but bagging it is the cheapest option. It’s nothing fancy, just a sandwich and some fruit coz’ I know you like that shit. Oh, and a cheese string because you’re never too old for string cheese, am I right?”

It is taking every _ounce_ of Castiel’s will power not to grab Dean by the face and kiss him stupid right now. He’s been making breakfast, lunch, and dinner every day this week so far and it’s been _wonderful_. Dean is far too thoughtful for his own good and it’s going to be the end of Castiel one of these days. It’s been rough starting his first job, changing career plans, and disappointing his father, but Dean is doing his damnedest to distract Castiel from all of that. This is just one of the many less sexual ways that he’s been doing it.

“Thank you, Dean.” Castiel smiles at him, bright and happy because he honestly is. “I’m sure it will be delicious and I’m looking forward to it.”

Dean claps him on the knee, giving it a tight squeeze. “Don’t get your hopes up too high, Cas. It’s just a sandwich.” He laughs and gives him a shove. “Go on. Get to work. I’ll pick you up afterwards, okay?”

“You don’t have to. Gabriel said he’d drive me home.” Though, if he had to decide, Castiel would probably pick to go with Dean. It makes more sense because Dean actually lives where Castiel is going, whereas it’s out of Gabriel’s way for him to drive. But that’s neither here nor there.

“Sure thing, then.” Dean shrugs and flaps his hand, smiling brightly at him. “Sounds good by me. If you’ve got any requests for dinner, text me, okay?”

Castiel nods as he slides out of the car. “Of course. Have a good day at the garage!”

He stays on the curb and waves as Dean drives off, waving out the window. There’s a slight pep to his step as he heads inside, though his joy at the day dies immediately upon finding Gabriel waiting for him. He’s standing behind the counter with his elbows propped up on it, chin in his hands and the most _devious_ of looks in his eyes. It’s a look Castiel has known to only spell disaster in the past and he has half a mind to turn on his heel on run. The only thing keeping him here is the fact that this is his _job_ now, and it’s only his third shift ever.

“Well look at what the cat dragged in!” Gabriel calls out, and he’s only getting away with this because the café hasn’t opened yet.

“Nothing _dragged_ me in.” Castiel rolls his eyes and hip-checks his way through the swinging gate to access the area behind the counter. “Now what are you up to?”

Gabriel bounces away from the counter to follow Castiel into the kitchen and towards the lockers. “Oh, just _stuff_ – y’know!” He even giggles, which is never a good sign.

“You’re up to something.”

“No, I’m not.” Gabriel leans his hip against the lockers and tilts his head to rest against them too. He’s not taking his eyes off Castiel, and that means he is _absolutely_ up to something.

Castiel sighs and shoves his bag into the locker. “What is it? What do you want?”

“Oh, nothing.” He shrugs and looks away when Castiel turns to meet his eyes. “Just wondering things.”

“Such as?”

Gabriel shrugs again and steps away. He links his fingers behind his back and practically skips around the locker room. “I’m just wondering what you like better; blondes or brunettes?”

Oh no. Castiel can see where this is going and he is _not_ interested in the least. “I’m not going to answer that. If you’re thinking of setting me up with anyone, then the answer is _no_. I don’t want to go on any dates. Ever. Thank you.”

“Aw, c’mon!” He turns on Castiel, eyes wide and pleading. “Just one date! I’ve got a couple ladies lined up that would find you totally awesome. They’d _love_ to go on a date with you.”

“No!” This is ridiculous. He should have expected it, but Castiel still isn’t happy about it. “I’m not interested in dating anyone right now.” Especially because he’s completely focused on Dean and has no care for anyone else at the moment.

Gabriel groans and leans against his side. “But you’re going through a rough time right now, Cassie! Nothing helps more than companionship.” He flashes a teasing grin at him. “And, of course, a multitude of orgasms. You’re still a virgin, right? I know this one girl who just _loves_ breaking in virgins.”

Okay, that’s enough of that. Castiel shoves him away and grabs one of the aprons from the rack by the lockers. “I will never speak to for the rest of your life if you even _think_ of bringing up this topic ever again.” He stomps off while tying the apron around his waist. It’s not a threat he can keep to because he loves his brother dearly, but Castiel doesn’t want to risk Gabriel learning that he is, in fact, far from being a virgin now. The repercussions for that would be catastrophic – and perhaps more than a little life threatening for Dean.

“Aw, Cassie! Don’t be like that!” Gabriel calls after him, though he doesn’t follow him out into the front of the shop. “I’m just trying to help distract you from how much our dad sucks!”

“I have friends who are doing that just fine, thank you!” He calls back before flat out ignoring anything else his brother says.

There’s some last minute cleaning to do before the store opens and Castiel wants to get that out of the way before Crowley comes in to turn on the ‘open’ sign and give everyone his morning pep talk. Despite having only been here a couple days, Castiel already feels familiar with the ins and outs of the café. There’s still much to learn, but his confidence in himself is stronger than ever – though now he’s going to have to keep an eye on Gabriel. He’s scheming about matchmaking and this is a part of their brotherly relationship he had hoped they would never come to.

*

The bell above the door dingles and Castiel glances over with a smile, ready to greet the customers. He’s surprised that his smile doesn’t falter when his heart skitters in surprise to find _Dean_ walking in. Meg is right behind him and she all but shoves Dean out of the way. She smiles brightly at Castiel and gives him a happy wave. Of all his new co-workers, Meg has been the friendliest and most welcoming – even more so than Castiel’s own brother.

Which is why he doesn’t quite understand why Dean glares at the back of her head as she moves past him. Although – Didn’t Dean say that she got under his skin when he worked here? Castiel can’t understand why, she seems plenty pleasant. Meg has been very helpful with training him and getting him used to his new job. She’s been very hands on and Castiel couldn’t have asked for anyone better to show him the ropes.

But Meg aside, _Dean_ is here! “I thought you had work today.” This is the absolute last thing Castiel was expecting today and he is delighted by it.

He hands a cappuccino over the counter, gracing her with a bright smile – which Gabriel informed him is all a part of good customer service. “Have a good day.”

Dean leans his hips against the counter and grins at Castiel in the kind of way that sets his pulse to pounding. He never thought that he would see Dean back in the café again and he’s rather happy for it. This is where they met, after all, though their positions were reversed at the time. But it’s still nice for the both of them to be here, where Castiel first started falling in love with Dean.

“Oh, y’know.” With a laugh, Dean shrugs and gestures around the room. “A man’s gotta eat and I figured I’d come see how you’re holding up.”

Castiel ducks his head and looks down at the cash register. He slides his fingers across the keys, wondering what Dean is going to order. “It’s taken some adjusting to, but I’m doing well here.” The keys make a nice clicking sound under his fingers. “What can I get for you?”

“I’d like a BLT, side fries, and whatever pastry you have on special. I’d go for the bottle of water, but I’m feeling more like a coffee – black, please.”

He’s already halfway through entering it when he realizes what the order is. This is almost exactly what Castiel always used to order when he came to the café and now Dean’s ordering it and – and this is far too touching for what it really is. Castiel fights the urge to blush while he finishes entering the order into the system. He glances up at Dean, trying not to look at him too obviously.

“I assume that this is _to go_?” Though he would rather Dean stay, even if just for a little bit. But, of course, Dean is in the middle of his work day. His lunch break is only so long and it’s not like the garage is that close to here.

“If I had the time, I’d sit in my favourite spot.” Dean glances over his shoulder at the corner of the café. “But it looks like it’s taken.”

Now why would that be Dean’s favourite spot? Is it because that was where Castiel always sat? Or is there some other reason for it? Of course, he wants to believe that it’s because of him, but he won’t make any assumptions – even though Dean is giving him that kind of smile that really makes Castiel believe that it _is_ because of him. Especially since Dean acts all coy about it himself, shuffling his feet and glancing away with that soft blush in his cheeks.

He eyes the pastry cabinet next to the cash register while he hands over the money. “No pies today, huh? Crowley’s never going to get his head out of his ass about that.”

While Castiel agrees with him that pies are delicious, there are certain other members of his family who do not. Unfortunately, said family member is working today and he has very sharp ears. It also probably doesn’t help any that Meg likely warned Gabriel that Dean was here when she went into the back to store her personal belongings.

“That’s because pies are at the bottom of the pastry pyramid of delight, loverboy.” Gabriel’s voice is tilted in sing-song, but it still makes Castiel wince.

He turns around to frown at him as Gabriel brings a tray of pastries through the door. “Please don’t insult Dean’s favourite treat. I happen to like pie too.” And he _did_ warn Gabriel that if he couldn’t be civil, then Castiel was going to send Mother after him.

“You’ve always had terrible taste, Cassie.” Gabriel shakes his head as he opens the back of the pastry case. There’s a knowing tone to his voice that Castiel doesn’t like and Gabriel better hope to high Heaven that Dean doesn’t pick up on it. He’s never confirmed for his brother that he _actually_ has feelings for Dean – and that’s one point Castiel kept from him when retelling the fight with Father.

Gabriel throws Castiel a withering stare, coupled with a disappointing sigh. “That would explain why you keep turning down my suggestions.”

Dammit. He had been hoping that Gabriel wouldn’t bring those up. Now Dean’s going to ask and – Yep, there he is, as if on cue.

“Suggestions about what?” Dean’s voice is just _brimming_ with curiosity as he glances between the two of them. Miraculously, he actually jumps to the wrong conclusion. “You’re not trying to talk him into moving out too, are you?”

“No, he isn’t. It’s nothing, Dean. Ignore him.” As relieved as Castiel is that Dean didn’t immediately assume that his brother is trying to set him up on dates, he still doesn’t want to actually explain it. What if Dean actually agrees with Gabriel? What if Dean _encourages_ him to accept Gabriel’s help with finding a date that he doesn’t want? He wouldn’t know what to do with himself if that were the case.

Gabriel slams the door to the pastry cabinet and turns on Castiel with a huff. “It’s not _nothing_.” He throws his hands up in despair, ever the drama queen. “These are some quality girls I’m trying to set you up with and you keep turning your nose up at them!”

And there it is. Of course he would just blurt it right out like that. Now Dean knows and he’s going to agree and Castiel’s heart already hurts enough over what aspects of their relationship that he’s not particularly fond of. He doesn’t need this too. And that’s why he can’t bring himself to look at Dean, or at Gabriel. Instead, he busies himself with ignoring Gabriel completely while getting Dean’s pastry order from the cabinet and setting it up in a box to go.

Unfortunately, ignoring Gabriel never leads to anything good. “In this time of turmoil, Cassie, you need something to take your mind off of things and there’s nothing better than the comforting arms of a lady!” He just sounds so _insistent_ and Castiel is about five seconds from smashing the pastry of the day into his smug little face.

Maybe it would have been better for him to be paying attention to him, because the next time Gabriel speaks, he sounds like he just made the revelation of the century. “Unless… Am I barking up the wrong kind of tree here? Should I be trying to set you up with _guys_ instead?”

Considering that Gabriel was the one who sniffed out that Castiel had a crush on Dean, how was this not the first conclusion? Or was Gabriel purposefully ignoring that fact in the delusional hopes that the crush was just a onetime thing? Castiel isn’t going to bother any introspection on his brother’s outlook on homosexuality, primarily because there are bigger things to worry about right now. Such things as whether or not he can trust Gabriel to keep his mouth shut and _not_ mention any evidence to the fact that Castiel might prefer guys over girls – which isn’t true in the slightest. He prefers _Dean_ , that’s all.

Either way, an interception is necessary. “How many times must I tell you that I’m _not interested_?” He sighs and turns to the coffee machine to pour Dean’s order, still avoiding looking at either one of them. “I have no interest in people I’ve never met before.

Now Gabriel’s tone turns sly. “So, you’ll go for it if it’s something you know?”

Oh no. That wasn’t an interception. That was a _set up_. Castiel just inadvertently gave Gabriel the perfect opening to draw Dean into the conversation as the next suggestion. No, wait. Gabriel doesn’t like Dean. He would never purposefully suggest him as a dating option – and especially not with Dean standing right there in all his bachelor glory. It would be too much of a risk. Dean could very well _agree_ to going on a date with Castiel, and Gabriel would never allow himself to be the one to have set that up in any way, shape, or form.

“Still, Cassie, I gotta know. Girl or guy? I can’t pick someone if I don’t know your preference.”

Relief washes through him and Castiel does his best not to let it show. See? He had nothing to worry about in the first place. Castiel should have had more faith in his brother.

“If Cas says he’s not interested, then he’s not interested.” Dean interjects for the first time since Gabriel arrives and Castiel has no idea if this is a good thing or a bad thing. “Just drop it, Gabe.”

While he does appreciate Dean’s efforts to get Gabriel off his back, Castiel knows it’s not going to work. If anything, it’s just going to irritate Gabriel into saying something snappy and hurtful. Things are not going to get better from here. Worse yet, Castiel still has the rest of his shift to get through with Gabriel. Dean is lucky. He’s going to get his food and leave in a matter of minutes. As soon as there are no customers, Castiel’s safety net from his brother’s nosiness will be gone.

“This is _family_ business, loverboy.” Gabriel snaps and Castiel sighs. Sometimes he hates it when he’s right. “Unless Cassie puts a ring on your finger, you keep your nose outta it.”

That’s _it_. Castiel wasn’t sure where his line with this conversation was, but now he’s found it and Gabriel has crossed it. Although he’s never entertained the thought of _marrying_ Dean before, he still feels stung by the comment. He’ll never have Dean as more than a friend – with benefits – and Castiel knows that. Marriage is _well_ outside any opportunity available to him where Dean is concerned.

“Do I smell trouble in paradise?”

Bless Meg and her perfect timing. “You’re smelling Dean’s lunch.” Castiel puts the finished coffee aside and turns to her. She’s all smiles at him from the other side of the order window as she passes him the Styrofoam container.

He puts that and the little box with the dessert in a plastic bag before handing it all over to Dean. Castiel still can’t look him in the eye, and especially not after Gabriel’s _ring_ comment. What if Dean looks disgusted at the thought of marrying him? His heart couldn’t take it. Right now, the slightly scratched counter is far more interesting a thing to look at and Castiel’s eyes are locked on it.

“Thank you for stopping by, Dean. It was nice to see you.” He might not be able to look Dean in the face, but it would be impolite to send a customer off without a proper farewell.

“Oh, please.” Gabriel scoffs, clearly having a different take on what accounts for a _proper_ goodbye. “You live with the idiot. You have to see that ugly mug every damn day.”

And Castiel wouldn’t have it any other way. But how _dare_ Gabriel be so rude! They’ve talked about this extensively and the rules regarding Dean being a part of Castiel’s life is that Gabriel must maintain at least some semblance of civility when they meet. This is not acceptable and as soon as Dean is gone, Castiel is going to make sure his brother knows it. If need be, he’ll inform Kali and _she_ will be the one to get the point across. Gabriel is more afraid of her than he is of Castiel anyways.

“You’re just jealous coz’ I’m prettier than you and even Crowley knows it.” Dean huffs, getting the last barb in. This one, Castiel will approve of. “This _ugly mug_ gets more tail than you can even dream about.” And that scratches out the approval. Why did he have to bring up those _other_ people who don’t even appreciate how lucky they are to share his bed? It’s soured Castiel’s mood completely.

“I gotta get going.” Dean steps away from the counter and Castiel hates it just a little bit, in the most confusing of ways. He wants Dean to go so he won’t be late for work and so things will calm down at the café quickly, but at the same time he doesn’t want Dean to go. Castiel _always_ wants him around because even when he says things like that, Dean usually has a way of saying something else to turn his mood around in a heartbeat.

This fact is proven by what Dean says next; “But I can pick you up after work, if you want?”

The café is out of Dean’s way. Castiel knows this, but he still appreciates every ride given to and from work. He even covets them, to a degree. Obviously Dean cares about him in some way that is _more_ than just a _friend_ if he’s willing to go so far out of his way for him like this as often as twice a day, in some cases. And that warms Castiel to his core. It chases away the dark clouds filling his chest from the previous conversation.

He ducks his head to try and hide his smile. “It’s fine. I’ll be done before you and I can take the bus from here.” Dean dropped him off this morning and must have gone into work over an hour early for his shift. Castiel doesn’t want him to rush to try and get done early. “I’ll see you at home.”

And _that_ is something that Castiel has over all of Dean’s other so called _partners_. He lives with Dean. They see each other all the time, sneaking touches and kisses and all manner of things when they have the chance. Who else can lay claim to such a thing? Castiel knows the answer is _no one_. If Dean isn’t at work, then the majority of his time is usually spent at home. It hasn’t gone unnoticed either that the frequency of his trips to the bar with his friends has significantly decreased too.

Actually, that’s plenty of reason for Castiel to smile – and he does while waving Dean out. There are plenty of things for him to be sad about in his personal life, but things with Dean are not one of them – not entirely. Things between them are going _great_ , despite Gabriel’s recent attempts to sabotage it. If that isn’t a cause for smiling, then Castiel doesn’t know what is. It’s a far cry better than whatever matchmaking Gabriel is attempting to do.

Speaking of, Castiel has a bone to pick with him about that. And he just _knows_ that’s going to be a _fantastic_ conversation to have.


	29. Chapter 29

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They both stare at each other for a long stretch of time before Benny clears his throat and shakes out his paper. “I’ll pretend I don’t know you and I won’t tell anyone I saw you, if you don’t tell Dean this is my second job. Deal?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mentions of things having to do with BDSM/Collaring, sex toys, etc.
> 
> This chapter takes place during [Chapter Eleven](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4684008) of the A Little Patience story line.

With a groan, Castiel rolls out of bed and staggers to his feet. His hips and back ache, but it’s a good one. He fumbles with his phone to turn off an alarm that isn’t ringing. This doesn’t occur to him until he’s pressing the button on the coffee machine to start the water flow. In that time, Castiel not only manages to make his bed and take out his clothes for the day, but he also manages to use the washroom without once realizing that he has absolutely no reason to be up this early.

Quietly, he curses his internal clock. All week it’s been habit to wake this early to prepare and have breakfast before going to work. At least he knows he’ll probably never be late if even after a week he wakes up this early naturally. On the bright side, he now has every opportunity to go back to sleep. Or if he wants to be productive, he has a whole day off to do whatever he wants. Although, to be honest, he doesn’t really know what he should do without classes to study for or textbooks to read.

Another realization strikes him then and Castiel quickly turns to the calendar board Dean put on the wall. Sure enough, Dean doesn’t have anything written in for today. Sam, however, has an afternoon shift at the grocery store. This is delightful news! As much as he loves having Sam around, this is going to be the first day in  a very long time where he and Dean will have almost a whole day to themselves. Of course, they always take advantage of every moment they have together.

Take last night for instance. Sam and Jess went to a movie, giving Dean and Castiel a couple hours of alone time. They had a lot of fun, but while _he_ might have enjoyed what they did, his _back_ did not agree with the wall quite so much. But when they have a time limit like a few hours, they don’t get to everything that makes private time with Dean as enjoyable as Castiel has come to find it. What he loves more than the orgasms is the long stretches of kissing before sex and afterwards; the cuddling and the soft touches and those treasured moments of intimacy.

Thinking about what they might be able to have later today wakes Castiel up much faster than the coffee ever could. There’s even a bit of a pep in his step as he heads back to his bed to puts his clothing away. Now that he has no plan to leave the apartment, he won’t need them. Today he can spend the whole day in his pajamas and do whatever he wants. This is going to be a wonderful day and he is suddenly _really_ looking forward to it.

Castiel’s good mood only lasts a short while. The coffee hasn’t even finished dripping when he hears his phone vibrating rather loudly on his bedside table. He practically dives for the phone, fumbling to grab it before the buzzing wakes Dean and Sam. A groan rumbles in his throat when he sees the call display. Why in the world is Gabriel calling him so early? He _knows_ that Castiel has the day off. Oh, but what if someone called in sick and he needs Castiel to take the shift for them?

Now that requires some real consideration. It wouldn’t hurt at all to make some extra money this week, and taking the shift would make a good name for himself at the café. Crowley would see that he’s a hard worker, and any future request for a recommendation might be glowing. As good as that would be, Castiel also really wants his day off with Dean; no distractions, no interruptions, and no one else around. Which is why he’s torn. Should he answer the call or ignore it?

No, he can’t ignore it. This is his _brother_ calling. With a sigh, Castiel swipes the screen to answer. “Good morning, Gabriel. To what do I owe this disruption on my day off?”

“Shut up, Cassie. You love me and you know it.” Gabriel’s laughter rings through the phone.

He sighs and shakes his head. “Unfortunately. Now, what do you want?” As a precaution, Castiel lowers the volume on his phone to make sure that it’s not too loud to wake anyone else.

More laughter echoes along the line. “Oh, Cassie, my sweet Cassie. You know much I love you, right?”

That throws up hundreds of red flags in Castiel’s mind. Now he’s _very_ suspicious. “What are you trying to butter me up for, hm? Just spit it out already.”

Gabriel sighs loudly, but at least he gets a move on. “Well, you know how you said that you didn’t want to date anyone you didn’t know?”

Oh no. “I think I also said that I don’t want to date anyone. _Period_.”

As usual, Gabriel completely ignores him. “Good news! I found you the perfect person! You know her, plus you guys get along and everything.”

Castiel can count on one hand the number of girls he knows that he gets along with, and he knows for a fact that Gabriel would not try to set him up with Mother, or with Jess. That leaves one person and he is not happy about this outcome either. “I don’t want to date Meg.”

“Oh, come _on_ , Cassie!” Gabriel’s whine is pitched and it hurts Castiel’s ear.

“Gabriel, I said ‘ _no_ ’. I don’t want –”

“But you _need_ someone, Cassie!” He cuts him off with a rather rude huff. “You’ve never been on a date and you’re almost twenty years old. Do you know how _sad_ that is?”

Oh, not _this_ again. Castiel sighs loudly and rubs a hand over his face as he makes his way back to the coffee pot. It’s done and he pries it open to remove the used grounds and filter, keeping the phone pinned between his ear and shoulder. _He_ doesn’t think it’s sad to have gone this long without a date. What’s sad is that people find _that_ to be sad.

As annoying as it is to have Gabriel be like this, Castiel knows he’s just looking out for him. All Gabriel wants is for him to be happy. He wants Castiel not to be upset by everything that’s going on with their parents, but this is just the only way that Gabriel knows how to help him – as misguided as that is. And there’s no point in trying to fight him on it.

He sighs again and shakes his head. “I _know_ and I understand what you’re saying, but I –”

“But nothing!” Gabriel cuts him off again and Castiel is getting _really_ sick of it. “Go on a date with Meg.”

Would it kill him to just _listen_ to Castiel for once? “Will you _please_ just –”

“Just one date, Cassie!” He’s starting to beg and it’s getting annoying. “What’s it going to hurt?”

There’s a shuffling sound in the hallway and Castiel looks over just in time to see a leg disappear around the corner. Great. The argument with Gabriel must have woken Dean up early and he’s probably not going to be happy about it.

Now Castiel is annoyed. “I’m _not_ interested, Gabriel. Please don’t keep pushing this.” The bathroom door clicks shut and he takes a deep breath, trying to keep himself calm. “If I want to date someone, I’ll ask them myself. You don’t need to set anything up for me.”

“But you’re obviously not doing anything, so I have to do it for you!”

“I’m not doing anything because I don’t _need_ to do anything. I’m not upset about what happened with Father anymore.” A smile starts pulling up the corner of his mouth when he thinks about _why_ he’s gotten over that. “I don’t need anything to distract me, or for whatever reason you’re doing this. I have a _job_ for that now, anyway.”

While that is a completely valid argument, Gabriel has thrown all form of logic out the window. “How is one date going to hurt anything?”

“Because I don’t want to date Meg.” How many times is he going to have to repeat this? “I don’t want to date _anyone_.”

“Are you _sure_?”

If he’s trying to hint that Castiel wants to date _Dean_ , then he’s going to discover a way to reach through the phone and throttle his brother. “Yes, I’m sure.”

“So you _really_ won’t go on a date with anyone?”

Castiel sighs again and pinches the bridge of his nose. “That is correct.”

“Not even Meg?”

This is getting tiring. “Not even Meg.”

“What if I set you up with a guy?”

It takes everything in his power not to actually _growl_ at Gabriel right now. He isn’t an animal, but he’s starting to get really tired of this. “I won’t go on a date with him either.”

“But what about –”

“No!” Castiel actually refrains from stomping his foot. “We are _done_ with this conversation, Gabriel. I don’t want to go out with anyone.”

After a moment of silence, Gabriel sighs softly. “You’re going to break Meg’s heart.”

“Then she should have asked me herself instead of going through my brother.” That was a low blow on her part. Castiel wasn’t even aware that she was interested in him.

“You’re _really_ sure that you won’t go on a date with her?”

“I’m sure.” Please let this be the end of it.

“Seriously, Cassie.” Gabriel’s voice takes a serious edge. “Date Meg.”

He shakes his head and drums his fingers on the counter top. “No, I don’t want to. I –”

The bathroom door opens and Castiel is distracted enough by it to stop talking on his own. It’s enough for Gabriel to get the last word in. “Sorry, Cassie, but I already told Meg that you’d go out with her next weekend. If you don’t want to go, then you have to cancel it yourself with her! Now look at the time! I have work to do! Love you, baby bro. Buh-bye!”

“Gabriel!” But the line is already dead.

How _dare_ he! Castiel turns the phone off and drops it on the counter with a groan. This is a ridiculous situation and not at all what he was expecting from today. Can there just be _one_ day in his life where it’ll go like it should? Just one day where something doesn’t jump up and surprise him?

“That sounded like a fun conversation.” Dean announces his presence with a yawn. He leans against the door frame to the kitchen and scratches at his bare belly.

“It wasn’t.” He had thought that the conversation with Gabriel he had earlier this week would have been enough to get through to him. Clearly he failed.

Dean yawns, covering it with his hand. “What’s the dickhead up to now?”

That stings a bit. Castiel doesn’t like hearing Dean insult his brother any more than he likes Gabriel insulting Dean. Granted, at this point in time Gabriel has rather earned such a title.

With a sigh, and hopefully his final one of the day, Castiel opens the cupboard to get out a couple mugs. “He set up a date for me next weekend and he’s refusing to cancel it. It will be extremely rude of me not to show up and whether I do or don’t, it will only make things awkward at the café.”

“Oh?” Dean raises his eyebrow in surprise. “How’s that going to happen?”

“Because the date is with _Meg_.” Castiel leans forward to rest his forehead against the cabinet, turning the whole situation over in his mind. “I get alone with her at the café, but I’m not interested in _dating_ her. Gabriel is just taking what I said the other day too literally. I don’t want to go.”

“Then don’t.” Dean says it as simply as he walks into the kitchen to get the milk from the fridge.

But it’s _not_ that easy. The only _real_ reason that Castiel doesn’t want to date anyone is because of his feelings for Dean. He’s still unsure of whether a relationship will ever take shape between them, but what they have now is satisfactory. It’s not what he desires, but it’s enough for him. But to tell Meg that he doesn’t want to date her might accidentally reveal his feelings for Dean. And if _she_ gets word of it, then there’s no telling who else may hear of it

Would it really be in his best interest to go on the date with her? One date. That’s all that was asked of him.  One date and then he never has to do it again. He can tell Gabriel and Meg that he didn’t feel anything on the date and doesn’t want to give her any hope by going on a second. Actually, that’s an excellent plan. The only downside is any awkwardness that might occur between him and Meg afterwards while they work together.

Of course, Gabriel is very fond of pointing out that Castiel is awkward the majority of the time without him knowing. There is every possibility that he won’t notice any awkward situations. Either way, a little awkwardness is nothing new to him, and it would be much easier to handle than constantly having to tell Gabriel off for trying to set him up on more dates.

“I have to.” Castiel steps out of the way so Dean can pour the milk. “I don’t have a good enough excuse that Gabriel will accept.” Which is a lie. He does, but Dean is the last person who can know the truth.

“That’s bullshit.” Dean snorts and gives him a flat look. “not wanting to do something should be a good enough excuse. You’re not interested in that shit and he should respect your decision.” There’s irritation heavy in his voice, like he’s more upset about this date then Castiel is. “Why not just give him an excuse he _would_ accept?”

Oh yes, like Castiel hasn’t done _that_ already. Dean should know that. Castiel crosses his arms and frowns at him. “I’ve _tried_.”

After he puts the milk away, Dean turns back to him and shrugs. “Why not just tell him that you’re gay or something? That’ll get you out of the date with Meg.”

Except that Castiel already told Gabriel that he’s demisexual. Dean, however, doesn’t know that. And who could tell what he would learn from that if he knew. Castiel’s feelings for him would be kind of obvious once Dean does the math. It’s best that he continue to pretend that he’s – well, what does Dean already think he is? Bisexual, probably. Yeah, okay. He’ll go with that for now.

Of course, this means lying to Dean and Castiel _hates_ doing that. The idea of doing it makes him frown more and he looks away, almost glaring at the coffee pot. “And what will I tell him if I end up with a woman in the future?”

“You could tell him that sexuality is fluid.” Dean ducks his head to try and meet Castiel’s eyes again. “Tell you thought you were gay but you found out that it doesn’t really fit you and you’re actually bi, or pan, or whatever the hell other sexuality you think you might be.”

So, Dean _doesn’t_ think he’s bisexual? Well, that doesn’t matter. What matters is that Castiel is going to be doing enough lying in this whole ridiculous situation.

He shakes his head. “I don’t want to lie to him like that.”

At that, Dean shrugs. “Then tell you him already have a girlfriend.”

No, that won’t work. It’s still a lie. “He’ll want to meet her.”

“Boyfriend, then!” Dean throws his hands in the air. “Jesus, Cas, I don’t know. Tell him you’re dating Sam, or Jess, or _someone else_.”

Someone like who? Like _Dean_? The idea twists around his ribs, binding them together painfully because he knows it’s impossible. “Gabriel knows that Sam and Jess are dating. We used to study together at his apartment, remember? And that doesn’t change how I don’t want to lie to him. It makes me feel uncomfortable.” Among other things. He turns away to start pouring the coffee in an empty to distract himself from the conversation.

After a strong beat of silence, Dean takes a big breath and licks his lips. “I could –” He pauses to swallow thickly. Suddenly he’s so shifty on his feet, like he’s suddenly so very nervous. “If you want, _I_ could be your boyfriend?”

Castiel shot down everything else as soon as Dean suggested it. But this loaded question is one that he is wholly unprepared for and it trips him up. It makes him actually stop and _think_. He puts the coffee pot down and looks at Dean with a frown. Is he acting nervous about the question because there’s _truth_ to it? Or is it just another lie that Dean wants him to tell?

Dean clears his throat after a minute. “I couple play it up as if I was your boyfriend. Make him think that we’re together so he’ll leave you alone about this dating thing.”

So, a lie then.

He presses his lips into a thin line as he looks back down to the coffee. “No.” This is one thing he will _not_ want to lie about.

“No?” The word sounds like it’s choking him. “Why not? If Gabe ends up pitching a fit about us dating, you can tell him after that we broke up because he was so upset and we didn’t want to cause more family tension or something. He’ll feel so bad that he’ll never interfere with your love life again. Boom. Problems solved.”

On the contrary, it will just bring even _more_ problems – right to Castiel’s heart. This hurts. It burns in his throat and sing down into his lungs. He wants nothing more than to tell _everyone_ that Dean is something as close to him as a boyfriend. But that’s not what they really are and to say it without any truth behind it hurts Castiel to no end.

“I said _no_ , Dean.” He puts the coffee pot back rather forcefully, his muscles feeling stiff and unwieldy.

“Fine. _Whatever_.” Dean takes the only coffee that doesn’t have any milk in it and practically stomps back towards his bedroom. “Figure it out on your own.”

The partial truth bubbles on the back of Castiel’s tongue, and it escapes whether he likes it or not. “I don’t want to _lie_.”

Castiel isn’t sure that Dean hears it. For all he knows, the sound of the bedroom door closing could have been enough to drown it out. Dean slams it rather hard – hard enough for it to wake Sam. His bedroom door is partially open and worry flares to life in the pit of Castiel’s stomach at the idea that he might have heard the entire conversation.

“Could you maybe _not_ slam doors while people are _sleeping_?”

For the moment, Castiel forgets about his coffee and heads into the hallway. “Sorry, Sam.” He grabs the door handle and pulls it closed. “Go back to sleep.”

That should help. And if he heard anything that he wasn’t supposed to, Sam will either keep it to himself or make mention of it later on. He’s much more tactful than either Castiel or Dean. If he says anything, Castiel will just figure it out from there. Just like he’s going to have to figure out what he’s going to do about Dean. This mood of his is unexpected and Castiel doesn’t really know what it is about their conversation that set it off.

What he _does_ know is that this could potentially ruin the whole day for the both of them.

*

Dean doesn’t come out of his bedroom until after noon. Even then, it’s only to grab something to eat and use the bathroom. Castiel wouldn’t think twice about it if Dean wasn’t so obviously _not_ looking at him. He’s spent half the morning reading in bed or watching TV with Sam, once he woke up. But Dean doesn’t even throw so much as a glance his way before he returns to his bedroom. It only confirms the strong suspicions that he really _is_ mad at Castiel – though the reason still remains unclear.

This is giving him quite a bit to think about. Did Dean _want_ to play pretend boyfriends? He could potentially want that just to see if it’s possible to have a relationship like that with Castiel. Though they would only be pretending about that in front of everyone at the café for an undetermined amount of time. But how often are the both of them in that kind of position? It’s not like they would be doing that in front of Jess and Sam – and _they_ are the people that would matter the most right now.

Or is Dean mad because he doesn’t want Castiel to go the date with Meg? Though that raises the question about _why_ he doesn’t want him to go. He had many suggests, but it can be frustrating to have them all shot down. Dean could be mad about that. Or is he jealous? But _why_ is he jealous? Dean would only be jealous if _he_ wanted to be the one to date Castiel, right? Or, well, there’s always the chance that Dean wants to date _Meg_ instead.

Even just the mere thought of it sends a sick burn down his throat and Castiel discards the idea as soon as he has it. He doesn’t even want to consider that as a possibility.

Whatever the reason might be, this is becoming much too long for Dean to sulk. Has he ever sulked this long before? Castiel can’t recall, but it’s frustrating, annoying, and worrying all bundled together into one. It’s overwhelming and he hates feeling like this. He hates not knowing what’s going on or what he can do to help make it better.

Sam doesn’t approach until after they’ve had lunch and Dean has disappeared back into his bedroom. He’s been trying to talk to Dean whenever he comes out of his room, but even he hasn’t been spared the cold shoulder.

“Hey, Cas?” Sam drops onto the couch next to him, nearly jostling the laptop right off of Castiel’s knees. “Do you know what’s up with Dean today?”

“I don’t know, Sam. He’s been in a mood since he woke up.” It’s not a _complete_ lie, but it’s still enough that Castiel can’t bring himself to look Sam in the eye while he says it.

With a sigh, Sam gets to his feet again. “Well, this sucks.”

“Tell me about it.” Castiel muffles a sigh of his own and taps aimlessly at his keys. Hopefully Dean’s _mood_ won’t last much longer.

Unfortunately, that doesn’t seem to be the case. Dean is still in his room when Sam leaves for work halfway through the afternoon. It makes Castiel’s heart ache to sit alone in the living room for that quiet hour after Sam leaves. He hurts more than he cares to admit. It stings so much that after an hour he can’t bring himself to stay inactive for any longer.

By then, his stomach is rumbling. Dean must be getting hungry too, right? But he hasn’t shown his face yet to make dinner. Will he be doing that any time soon? Likely not. In that case, Castiel will have to make it himself.

With a loud huff, Castiel gets to his feet and heads into the kitchen. There’s one thing that he can make well and he sets about doing just that. He two pots of water on the stove to boil, making sure not to put the heat on high – just like what Dean taught him. One pot is reserved for macaroni and cheese, and the other will be hot dogs.

The mac and cheese is something he could make in his sleep. The hot dogs, however, are new to him. Luckily, Castiel has a phone and he does a quick Google search to determine how long he should boil them for to make sure he cooks them properly. While everything cooks, he sets out two bowls and the cutting board for when the hot dogs are done.

And then starts the waiting game for the food to finish. In that time, Castiel fidgets and watches both pots like a hawk. His mind is elsewhere, focused on whether or not he should tell Dean that he’s making dinner. Castiel dwells on it while he drains the macaroni and mixes in the rest of the ingredients. He’s still thinking about it through chopping up the hot dogs.

By the time he’s done, his mind is made up. Even still, he frets outside Dean’s bedroom door for another few minutes. What if Dean gets more upset with him for disrupting his person time? Then an idea strikes him to distract Dean from being upset. Castiel backs away and detours to the living room. With a little searching, he finds the first Lord of the Rings movie and pops the disk in the DVD player. Maybe Dean won’t be so mad with him once he has some food and one of his favourite movies to watch.  It’s worth a shot, at least. At the worst, Dean will say ‘ _no_ ’ and take his food back to his bedroom.

On the bright side, even if he spends the whole day in his bedroom, at least Dean is _here_. He’s not out getting drunk in the middle of the afternoon and going home with some stranger. Castiel is all for Dean spending time with his friends, but it hurts like nothing else when he doesn’t come home.

It’s that reason why he has the courage to knock on the door the second time around. There’s silence as his answer, but it’s only for a moment before Dean’s calls out. “Yeah, what is it?”

Is that permission to go in? Castiel isn’t entirely sure, but it’s enough for him. He opens the door and takes a step inside. His stomach twists when Dean’s eyes immediately drop to his laptop where it’s propped up on a pillow in his lap. Why won’t Dean _look at him_?

Castiel gathers his courage as close to him as he can before he speaks. “If you’re hungry, I – um – I made dinner. It’s nothing special.” He half expects to get a lecture for using the stove without supervision, but Dean doesn’t even look up. Time for part two of his plan. “I’m also about to watch the extended edition of The Fellowship of the Ring. I thought – I’m wondering if you would like to join me?”

With almost no hesitation, Dean closes his laptop and gets up from the bed. “Yeah, lemme just grab some pants before Sam pitches a fit about it.”

Why does that matter now? He hasn’t worn pants all day. Dean didn’t even put a t-shirt on when Sam complained about how naked he was. Castiel doesn’t mind, anyways. Sam is gone, so if Dean wants to be in his underwear all day, then he can be as naked as he wants. In fact, Castiel encourages it.

“Sam isn’t home. He left for work an hour ago.” He looks away and backs out of the room as Dean crosses to the pile of clothing on his bedroom floor.

By the time Dean comes to the kitchen, Castiel has served out the mac and cheese into the two bowls and covered them with diced hot dogs. He adopts his most apologetic of looks, even though he’s not too sure what he’s apologizing for. Hopefully it will work to cure him of his foul mood.

Dean stops in his tracks and stares openly. It only lasts for a second before he ducks his head and takes the bowl slowly. “Thanks, Cas.”

He actually sounds genuine and Castiel feels his insides thaw. “It’s nothing much. I thought I would keep it simple instead of accidentally burning the kitchen down.” Maybe it’s too soon for a joke, but there’s no harm in attempt it.

Victory! A smile spread across Dean’s lips and he drops a hand on Castiel’s shoulder. “Hey, that pan would’ve caught fire for _anyone_. And we put it out right away before any damage was done. That’s what fire extinguishers are for.”

Oh God, why did he have to bring this up? Castiel tries to frown, but he’s too delighted to see Dean’s smile to be serious about it. “I’m sure you say that to everyone.”

“No, really. If you were Sammy I’d be banning you from the kitchen for life.” Dean laughs and pulls Castiel after him, heading for the living room and the movie waiting for them.

“If you did that, how would I ever feed myself?” Castiel feigns shock and horror, though it’s hard when he’s got joy bubbling in his heart.

Dean hums thoughtfully as he drops down into his favourite spot on the couch. “Guess you’d just have to let me cook for you forever then.” He goes silent for a moment before acting like he never said anything and reaching for the remote. “You already got the DVD set up?”

Castiel settles at the other end of the couch. “Yes.”

There’s been another shift in Dean’s mood, though it’s not outwardly showing. Castiel is probably one of the few people in this world who can tell from that simple question. But what could have caused it this time? Dean was fine up until he made that joke about cooking for Castiel forever. Could that have been it? Why? Although Castiel would love to have Dean cook for him for the rest of his life, he personally doesn’t see why that would be something to tilt Dean’s mood back onto the negative scale when it was _his_ joke in the first place.

Their brief conversation ends when Dean presses play on the remote. There has long been a rule in their home that they don’t talk during Dean’s favourite movies. If Castiel has any witty commentary, he can share it, but that’s it. Anything else might bring about the wrath of Dean – and no one wants to have to deal with those whiny complaints.

Disappointed and confused yet again, Castiel slumps in his corner of the couch and picks at his meal. He feels the space between them like a yawning divide. Normally they would be sitting _much_ closer without Sam here. The fact that they’re not raises even more questions that sufficiently distract him from the movie. It’s a good thing he’s already been thoroughly educated on this particular movie, otherwise he might be subject to a lecture for not paying attention to this masterpiece.

Because of his state of mind, Castiel has no problem with getting up in the middle of the movie to go was the dishes. He hasn’t even cleaned the pots yet. Maybe keeping his hands busy will help to keep his mind off whatever is wrong with Dean. However, he’s hardly stepped into the kitchen when the sound cuts out in the living room. Castiel glances back to find that Dean has paused the movie and is getting to his feet too.

Dean intercepts him before he reaches the sink. “Hey, Cas, I got this.” He steals the bowls from Castiel’s hands. “You go back to the movie.”

“We can watch the movie together sooner if I help.” Dean might want to help, but Castiel won’t let him ruin this distraction time. He grabs the pot of dried cheese sauce from the stove and holds it out toward the sink. “Soak this first and I’ll wipe down the stove.” It’s not exactly dirty, but it will be something for him to do.

He takes his time with cleaning things while Dean putters around the kitchen.

“Are we out of milk?”

Castiel looks up to find Dean looking at the box of recycling under the sink. “Yes. I wrote it on the shopping list for this weekend.” That’s when he and Dean usually do the grocery shopping together.

For no reason that he can see, Dean starts frowning. Castiel watches as Dean stands and starts scrubbing the dishes with gusto. Is there something about the recycling and garbage that upset him? If they need milk sooner than Saturday, Castiel could go buy some now or after they’re done the movie. It’s not _that_ big of a deal, is it?

He finishes with his cleaning before Dean does, and with nothing to do further heads back to the couch. If he tries to muscle in on the dishes, Dean will just get more upset about whatever it is that’s upsetting him. And again, Castiel has no idea what it is about. Sometime to do with the milk, apparently. First Meg, then cooking, and now milk? What is going _on_ with him today?

“You can watch the rest of the movie without me.” Dean’s voice and the sound of tearing paper brings Castiel back to the present and out of his thoughts. “I’m going to grab the milk and the rest of this shit before Sam throws a fit about not being able to eat his wheaties tomorrow morning.”

Castiel turns around, his stomach dropping as Dean pulls his coat from the closet and grabs his shoes. He knows things have been awkward and _off_ between them today, but does that mean that Dean has to _run_ from him? Sam has never complained about them being out of milk before. If he can’t have wheaties, then he has waffles, or a smoothie, or eggs and toast. There are plenty of options. It’s not like their cupboards are _bare_ or something.

Dean is _avoiding_ him. He wants Castiel to finish watching the movie on his own because he doesn’t want to watch it with him. This is his excuse. Is he – is he _done_ with him? Why? Castiel knew their arrangement would have an end some day, but this hurts more than he expected. Would it hurt less if he knew the reason _why_? Just like he would like to know the reason why behind Dean’s surprised expression when he _finally_ looks at him again.

His hands pause in their pat down of his coat, likely searching for his wallet. Dean licks his lips and turns away after a moment. “I’ll be back in a – in like half an hour or something. If you need anything else, just text me.” He stops again with his hand on the door handle, shoulders going rigid. “Or – uh – you could, if you want, you could come with me?”

Those few words ease Castiel’s worries quite a bit. He’s still very confused, though. If Dean _isn’t_ avoiding him, then why is he leaving? This isn’t making any sense to him. Part of him wants to go with Dean, but he also wants to stay here and think things through. He might thinking more clearly when he’s truly alone. Without Dean around to be a distraction, Castiel might be able to figure something out that would brighten both their moods. If they stayed together to go shopping, the awkwardness would just continue. It’s not like Dean will actually _talk_ about it.

“Thank you for the offer, but I – I think I’ll decline for now.” He shakes his head and offers Dean a small, apologetic smile.

Another beat of silence follows before Dean shrugs and shakes his head. “Right, yeah. Okay. I’ll –” He clears his throat and opens the door. “Yeah, I’ll be back later.”

Then he’s gone and Castiel is alone with his thoughts. Unfortunately, nothing gets any clearer now that Dean isn’t here. In the first five minutes, only a few ideas come to him. One is to sit Dean down and ask him what’s going on. The second is to just apologize and hope that fixes everything. And the third is to use his body to distract Dean better than the movie did, because at least _that_ is a tried and true method that has never failed him before.

At the ten minute mark after Dean’s departure, Castiel has made up his mind. He’s going to apologize _and_ use his body, because that’s what he was planning to do today anyways, so why not make the best of his apology? This might be a bit of a drastic way to the save the rest of their day, but if it will make Dean smile at him again, then Castiel is ready to do it. Some might consider this a long shot, but he’s confident that it will work.

Determined, Castiel quickly changes his clothes. It’s a casual day off, so he sticks with simple jeans and a long sleeve shirt. Today he forgoes his coat and shoves his wallet into his back pocket. His coat stands out and where he’s going he doesn’t want to be obvious. Before he leaves, Castiel writes a quick note and leaves it on the kitchen table. Hopefully Dean won’t be even _more_ upset to find that he went shopping on his own without him.

Halfway down to the building lobby, Castiel remembers a card he hastily hid in his wallet on a day that feels like ages ago. He pulls it out and stares at it, wondering if he should go. There’s the potential of running into Benny there and he might spoil the surprise for Dean. No, no he won’t. Being discreet is part of the Adult Novelties business, is it not? Benny won’t say anything to Dean, especially since he’s still trying to hide what his second job is – as far as Castiel knows.

Well, this is better than nothing. He might as well give the store a shot! He pops the address on the card into his bus app to find the quickest route there. It’s about a thirty minute bus ride away, which isn’t too bad. He’ll be gone longer than he said in his note, but Dean will understand when he returns. But first, Castiel needs to find an ATM. He’s going to want to pay in _cash_ when he gets to where he’s going.

It takes him the whole bus ride and then some to work up the nerve to actually go into the store when he gets there. Castiel has never been into one of these before. He has no idea, and he really doesn’t want to think about it too much either. All he wants to do is get in, find something to spice up tonight, and get out. If there’s one thing he’s learned from all the porn he’s watched, Dean kind of likes the idea of bringing toys into the equation – if the content of his collection is any example.

Barely two feet in the door and Castiel stops in his tracks to stares at the employee sitting behind the cashier’s desk. He can feel his face growing steadily warmer as he stands there. At the sound of the bell over the door, Benny looks up from the newspaper he’s reading. It’s just a quick glance and then he turns away again. In that instant, his shoulders go rigid and he slowly looks back up again. A double take. He just did a _double take_. Clearly he wasn’t expecting to see Castiel of all people walk in.

They both stare at each other for a long stretch of time before Benny clears his throat and shakes out his paper. “I’ll pretend I don’t know you and I won’t tell anyone I saw you, if you don’t tell Dean this is my second job. Deal?”

Castiel nods, his face burning right to his ears. He hasn’t told Dean yet and he doesn’t plan to do it any time soon. Without a word, he shuffles away the moment Benny looks back to his paper. This is going to affect his entire shopping experience. How is he supposed to shop for such embarrassing items when someone he _knows_ is going to be the one ringing it up? And is Benny going to somehow know that Castiel plans to use what he buys with _Dean_?

Idiot. He needs to think _logically_. Benny has no way of knowing that what he buys is for him and Dean. Obviously he’s not going to know unless Castiel tells him and he is _definitely_ not going to tell him. So everything is fine and he just needs to relax and – and – _buy_ things. Even though he doesn’t really know what he wants to buy.

First and foremost, he gets the standard items; a bottle of lube and a box of condoms. It’s not like they’re running low at home or anything, but it can’t hurt to have more. Castiel grabs both of those while he makes his way through the various isles and display cases. He keeps his eyes peeled for anything else that might catch his interest.

It’s by pure chance that he spots an entire display filled with different kinds of bondage gear. What really catches his eyes are the bundles of rope sitting out on the shelf. Castiel stares at it, memories flooding his mind and sending a pleasant shiver down his spine. Without thinking, he reaches out and touches the rope. His fingers slide along the fibers and he marvels at how much softer it is than the camping rope he and Dean had used previously.

Each bundle of rope has a different position depicted on the cover, showcasing just how the rope can be used. It’s putting all sorts of ideas in Castiel’s head and he’s certain that he could find other positions on the internet that they could use this with. The heat spreads under his skin, pooling in his gut, and he looks away quickly. It would be entirely too inappropriate for him to get aroused here. Benny would never let him live it down, not that Castiel ever sees him that often.

After one more glance, Castiel grabs the bundle with the position that interests him the most. Maybe he and Dean can try it tonight – or maybe they’ll try it another day. Either way, he’ll put it on his sexual bucket list. The bundle of rope gets tucked into the crook of his arm and he continues on his way, trying to act nonchalant as he balances it with the bottle of lube and the box of condoms. He must not pull it off well, because Benny comes by only a few moments later to silently hold out a basket to him.

Without a word exchanged between them, Castiel drops his collection of items into the basket and takes it from him. They don’t even look at each other. Hopefully this is as awkward for Benny as it is for him, because this is _very_ awkward. He keeps his head down as he continues making his way around the store and Benny heads back to the counter.

For some unknown reason, the next thing that makes him stop is a wall of vibrators and dildos. There are _way_ more than Castiel was expecting to ever see in his lifetime. So many different shapes and sizes and colours. Some are as thick as his arm, and some are as long as it. There are a few styles with suction cup bottoms, and some that have wireless remote controls. Those are the ones that Castiel gravitates towards, specifically in the section labeled _anal wands_.

His ears burn the whole time that he’s standing there looking at them. He stays there so long that he’s worried Benny might come over again. Just in case, Castiel glances over his shoulder to make sure. Benny has a newspaper between the two of them, and he’s not even remotely looking at him. Thank God. Castiel would never be able to make an actually decision if he knew he was being watched. It’s a small miracle that there’s no one else in the store to witness this either.

Honestly, Castiel isn’t even sure why he wants one of these. Sure, he’s seen things in the videos he’s watched with Dean where someone teases their partner with a remote controlled toy. Thinking about it gives him another thrill that spirals straight down into his belly. Putting the remote into Dean’s hand would give him the same kind of power over Castiel that he had when they used the rope before. It might give him even _more_ power and that is a _really_ appealing thought. He would love to be teased by Dean like that.

Castiel pulls out his cell phone and quickly does a few searches on the different brands hanging on the wall. If he’s going to spend money on these (surprisingly expensive but completely worth it) toys, then he’s going to damn well buy a good one. He wants one with a wireless remote, but he only wants the best. In this case, he goes by the best reviews on Amazon. Before he can second guess himself, he grabs it off the wall and adds it to his basket.

That should be enough for tonight. Or so he thinks. On his route to the cashier, Castiel finds one more treasure to take with him; a blindfold mask. He adds it to his basket on a whim, mostly because he likes the idea of being at Dean’s mercy. What will it be like to lay bound on the bed with the mask on? Not knowing when or how Dean will touch him. Oh, it sends another shiver shaking through his bones.

Even though he tries to delay it, Castiel ends up at the counter eventually. He shoves the basket into Benny’s hands and looks everywhere but at him. The rotating stand sitting off to one side of the counter is rather interesting and he takes his time spinning through that while Benny rings everything up. It’s full of promotional or information pamphlets about several different things. There’s one about dildos, another about vibrators, several about various _scenes_ to play for BDSM. Some pamphlets are supportive for how to deal with being gay or feeling dirty about one’s kinks.

They’re all good, but only one of them fans the flames smoldering in his belly. He plucks it from the stand and focuses entirely on it when he realizes that Benny is opening the vibrator package. The pamphlet is actually a catalog, listing various collars and leashes with their prices. There are pictures of people on their knees in front of someone else, a leash in the hands of the person standing. It looks _really_ interesting and Castiel doesn’t quite know why he likes the idea of wearing a collar or – oh!

He bites his bottom lip rather hard when his traitorous brain decides that it’s a good idea to bring up an image of _Dean_ on his knees before him, eyes hooded and smoky. There’s a collar around his neck and the leash is in Castiel’s hand. Oh, but he likes that. He _really_ likes that. Collars usually denote ownership and he adores the idea of Dean belonging to him and only him.

“That’s a freebie if you want it.” Benny offers, not even looking up while he pops batteries into the vibrator. “Y’want it?”

Castiel nods and hands it over for Benny to put it in the black bag with the rest of the things. He nearly jerks his hand away in surprise when the vibrator gets handed to him. “You wanna see if this works to your liking?”

He doesn’t need to see his face to know that it flames red when Benny flicks the switch on the remote. The vibrator starts purring in his hands, first at low and then at medium. The _high_ setting makes his hands feel numb and Castiel puts it down quickly. “T-that’s good.”

Benny nods and pulls the batteries out. He packages the whole thing back up and pops it in the bag. “D’you wanna buy any batteries while you’re at it?”

Oh, he hadn’t thought of that. Do they have any at the apartment? Well, just in case, he should probably get some more. He nods and Benny takes a pack off the wall behind him to scan and add to the bag. That’s the last of it and he turns the display on the top of the register to face him with the total. It’s significantly more than Castiel thought he would be spending, but that’s why he came with lots of cash. He didn’t exactly know _what_ he was going to buy anyways.

He declines the receipt when Benny offers it to him. The less evidence he has of this trip, the better.

Benny nods and sits back down. He picks up his newspaper and shakes it open, hiding behind it again. “See ya, stranger. Enjoy your purchase.”

Castiel fights valiantly against his blush as he hugs the bag to his chest and ducks out of the store. At least he manages to mumble a goodbye, so he’s not _too_ rude. God, he should have brought a backpack or something to put this into. It would be better than walking around with this big _thing_ in his arms, standing out against his shirt like some kind of terrible stain.

He keeps the bag close to his chest on the bus ride back to the apartment, doing his best not to look anyone in the eye while he has it. His trip is spent staring out the window and keeping the bag tucked between his knees. When he gets off the bus, he all but _runs_ up the street and into the building, hoping beyond hope that no one saw what he was carrying.

On his way up to the apartment, Castiel wonders just how he’s going to make his apology to Dean. Should he just put the bag in his lap and walk to the bedroom? Or should he actually _say_ something? What if Dean isn’t home yet? What if he _is_? Oh God, what if this wasn’t a good idea and Castiel managed to mess everything up with it?

Every question spins round and round in his head as he opens the door to the apartment. Sure enough, Dean is sitting right there on the couch. From the looks of it, he’s finished with the first Lord of the Rings movie and he’s started on the second. He must be really into it, because he doesn’t even bother looking to see who came home. His arms are crossed and he’s slumped rather far down on the couch – much more than how he usually sits. Worse yet, Dean’s attention is steadfastly focused on the TV. From the angle that Castiel has on him, he doesn’t look very happy at all.

Castiel closes the door slowly, taking his time to think things over. What can he do to turn that frown upside down? For starters, he should get his point across about what he wants to do with the rest of their day. To do that, he should make sure that there’s no chance that Sam might just _walk_ in on them. With that in mind, Castiel locks the door by putting the chain in place.

Dean must obviously realize what’s going on. The hitch in his breath is enough evidence of that. Castiel takes it as a  good sign that he doesn’t speak out against it. But he also doesn’t do anything else about it either. All Dean does is sit there and stare at the TV. To get his attention, Castiel takes a deep breath to steady himself and hold the bag in front of Dean’s face. If that doesn’t work, nothing will.

 _That_ gets Dean’s attention. He sucks in a sharp breath and his head turns as Castiel walks away. To maintain the illusion of calm, he doesn’t check to make sure that Dean is looking after him. Instead, he keeps his head high and his shoulders straight as he heads towards the bedroom. It’s a good sign when the movie goes silent and the TV beeps as it turns off. Dean got the message and it seems he’s also taken the bait. Castiel’s apology is just moments away and then all this awkwardness and bad moods between them will be behind them – hopefully.

He finally chances a look over his shoulder, and sure enough Dean is already on his feet and following him. Joy spirals through the confusion and the ache inside him. Satisfied, Castiel slips into the bedroom and waits for Dean to join him.

As soon as Dean shuts the door behind himself, he reaches out and catches Castiel around the waist and gets in close. “What’s in the bag, Cas?” His breath is warm against the back of Castiel’s neck, lips brushing his skin, teeth catching in all the right places. “Did you buy me a present?”

It feels _way_ better than he thought it would to have Dean close again, pressed up against his back and so very _there_. Castiel can’t resist reaching back and sliding his fingers into Dean’s hair to keep him in place. As if detached from his mind, his body moves on its own. It knows just what to do to arouse Dean. In this case, Castiel’s back arches and his hips roll back against Dean. On the bright side, Dean’s breathing hitches again – a sharp intake against the knobs of his spine.

“I might have.”

Like some kind of reward, Dean drops a hand to the front of Castiel’s jeans and starts rubbing him gently. It feels _very_ nice and he drops his head back against Dean’s shoulder with a sigh. Is there any better way to give an apology than this? Likely not.

Castiel takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, though it’s rather hard to concentrate when his blood is rushing south. “I thought it – That it might help make up for – for this morning.” It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t know what he’s apologizing for as long as the apology is made and he means it.

Dean sighs softly and rests his forehead against the back of Castiel’s neck. After a moment, he takes the bag and tosses it towards the bed. Another sigh ghosts across his jaw as Dean guides him to turn around. Their foreheads bump together as they sling arms around waists and shoulders, holding each other close as their breaths mingle between them. Dean’s eyes remained closed, but that doesn’t change how _good_ it feels to be standing together like this again. Now he doesn’t even mind that they weren’t doing this hours ago.

“You –” Dean starts and stops. He takes a deep breath before trying again. “Cas, you’ve got nothing to make up for, okay?” He rubs their noses together in an affectionate gesture that makes Castiel’s knees go week. “I was being a dick about nothing. It’s – it wasn’t your fault, okay? I’m so–”

That’s all Castiel needs to hear. He tilts his chin up to kiss him into silence. He’s not going to disagree that Dean was kind of being a dick earlier today, but everyone is entitled to their mood shifts. Castiel has his own on occasion and he doesn’t have to explain the reasons behind them. Dean apologized and Castiel forgives him and that’s all that matters. They can put everything behind them and have some actual _fun_ for the rest of the day.

With a sigh, Dean opens his eyes. At first they’re warm and gentle and everything about Dean that Castiel loves. He could stare into those eyes for the rest of his days and never be tired of it. That’s kind of what he wants to do, actually. He doesn’t care _how_ that happens, as long as he gets to stay with Dean as long as he can. That’s all that Castiel wants and he’ll do just about anything for that to happen.


	30. Chapter 30

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That’s certainly some food for thought. He’ll have to work on that later. “Do you like dirty talk?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter content warnings are at the end of chapter. Please click the link below to see them.**
> 
> **This chapter takes place before and during[Chapter Twelve](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4775427) of the A Little Patience story line.**

There are so many emotions swirling in Castiel right now. It’s a combination of his love for Dean, his anticipation for what’s about to happen, his joy that Dean both forgave him and apologized for the confusion from this morning, and his fear that his body might not be enough to tie Dean to him. That’s a terribly selfish thing for him to want to do, but what else can he do when he feels like this and he’s only allowed to have Dean in this small way? It’s not like he’s doing anything to _hurt_ him, right?

These thoughts are not contributing at all towards his arousal. He was struggling against it for the whole ride home, but now those feelings are flagging. Castiel steels himself against that and forces his mind to turn away from those depressing thoughts. His attention turns completely to their kisses and he throws himself into them completely. To Dean’s credit, his kisses have always been _very_ distracting and they do the job quite well.

The embers of his arousal haven’t cooled completely and it doesn’t take long for the kisses to fan them back into a flame. Castiel pushes into them, shuffling Dean back against the wall. He’s not doing anything beyond the kisses and there are _needs_ that must be met. For one, they are both far too dressed for what will be coming next. Even though he’s wrapped up in the kisses, Castiel still gets quite the kick from peeling Dean’s clothes from him.

A fiery burn is singing through his veins and he has to grab Dean’s hips to keep his hands from shaking. On the bright side, he can dip his fingers under the waistband of his jeans and start working them down. But though he has his hands more or less under control, Castiel’s mouth isn’t at all. He can’t stop himself from tasting everything he can touch. Dean’s lips are addicting, but so is his collarbone. Putting his lips to that and scraping his teeth across it always makes Dean’s head drop back with a groan.

Alternatively, Castiel also enjoys the way Dean grabs at him whenever he traces the shell of his ear with his tongue. He always makes some _really_ nice noises when Castiel nips and sucks at the lobe. Dean even shivers whenever nipping kisses are trailed along his jaw. Every sound and every reaction is perfection and God help him, Castiel wants to bask in them for the rest of his life.

At some point, one of them starts moving their hips and he has no idea who does it but it is clearly a stroke of genius. The sweet press of friction draws a gasp out of Dean and he drops his head back against the wall again. It bares his throat to the ministrations of Castiel’s mouth and there is nothing better than that. No wait, he stands corrected. Having Dean’s hands gripping his ass _inside_ of his jeans is very, _very_ nice too. Primarily because Castiel is well aware that Dean has an affinity for his ass – to which he thanks his love for running.

It takes a surprisingly long time for Dean to slide his fingers into Castiel’s hair and pull his head up. For a moment, he thinks that it’s time to move on to the bed. Instead, Dean kisses him. Somewhere in between the kisses, a single word is hissed and Castiel is pleased to find that he really wasn’t all that wrong. Despite that, they still take their sweet time with stumbling towards the bed. On the bright side, at least they manage to shed the remainder of their clothing en route.

When they drop onto the bed, Castiel drags Dean down with him. The last thing he wants right now is to lose the passion of these kisses. To his disappointment, Dean doesn’t seem to mind moving on to other things. Though, he can be forgiven for the mere fact that as Castiel scoots up the bed to get comfortable, Dean stays near the bottom and presses kisses all down his torso. Dean is also the one who decides when Castiel has moved up far enough. He grabs his hips to keep him in place, and then the _real_ torture begins.

Castiel isn’t ticklish in any regard, but having Dean’s tongue dip into his belly button feels so weird that he can’t resist wriggling. At least Dean soothes that sensation by covering his belly with kisses. Half of them involve teeth and every scrape can be felt straight down to Castiel’s bones. None of these kisses will leave a mark, unfortunately.

Dean hasn’t left anything on him since the first time they used the rope. If they use Castiel’s purchase today, will he do it again? One can only hope. In fact, shouldn’t they get on to trying that? Castiel bought these things as a present for Dean and he hasn’t even looked at them yet. That’s quite the shame. He’s rather interested in seeing how Dean is going to react to them. What is he going to say to the rope? Or the mask? Oh God, how is he going to react to the _vibrator_?

It takes a few tries for him to find the bag somewhere on the bed with them. It’s very difficult when Dean presses a sucking, biting kiss to one of his nipples and he loses cognitive thought for a moment. Castiel has to breathe deep and actually _focus_ to simply get his hand inside the bag.

The first things his fingers close around are the little booklet full of collars. He throws that over the edge of the bed. That’s something for _him_ to look at later. Before he can find the next time, Dean traces feather-light fingertips up the underside of his penis. Castiel gasps and his back arches on instinct. It’s such a small touch, yet it feels _divine_.

No, _no_. Focus! He bites his bottom lip and screws his eyes shut, trying his hardest to gather the dexterity necessary to empty the bag. The next two items he manages to pull out are the lube and the condoms. As good as it is to have them, they’re not his goal. At this point, it’s beginning to look like his goal might be lost to him, because now Dean  apparently thinks it’s better to use his _mouth_ instead of his hand. If his fingers were divine, then his curling tongue is beyond holy.

A loud groan rumbles in Castiel’s chest. He forgoes the bag for now to sink his fingers into Dean’s hair. God help him but he wants more of that wet, sucking heat. Miraculously, Dean obliges. He sucks Castiel down into the tight heat of his mouth and it is _so good_. It’s good enough that he’s almost tempted to give up on the bag entirely and stay just like this.  But no, he can’t. He bought these things expressly to show to Dean and he _needs_ to show him.

The item that makes it out on the next attempt is the coil of rope.

Dean must see it, because he lifts his head and pushes himself up onto his elbows.  “You still wanna do the rope stuff, huh?”

If he could breathe properly, he would answer, but it takes Castiel a few tries before he can do that. It takes more energy than it should to lift his head and look down at Dean. “I liked it. This rope is – it’s better than what we used before and there are –” He pauses and licks his lips, suddenly they feel so dry. “There are _different_ ways we could try it.”

“Yeah?” A grin tilts across Dean’s lips and he pushes himself up onto his knees. “How’s that?”

The best way to explain – the _easiest_ way, in fact – is to simply shove the coil at him. Dean sits back on his heels as he takes it and explains the label. His most recent ministrations have blurred Castiel’s short term memory. Regardless, he’s rather confident that the image that comes to mind is the correct one.

On the label should be a woman dressed in lingerie and seated on a chair. Her wrists are tied to the back of it, up by her shoulders and her feet are planted on the seat. The rope is wrapped around her thighs to bind the calf of the same leg to it. Such a position would likely make Castiel’s legs very sore, but she looks so vulnerable and open to her partner. It appealed to him and he just – he _really_ wants to at least try it once with Dean.

“You are _way_ kinkier than I give you credit for.” Dean laughs and wiggles his eyebrows at him.

Almost immediately he turns his attention back to the rope and starts to unwrap it carefully. It looks like he’s trying to preserve the label. Does that mean he wants to follow it as an example? Oh, that would be wonderful! Castiel’s already pounding pulse jump in excitement. He can hardly wait for it, or to try out the new toy that he bought.

While Dean works at freeing the rope, Castiel gets the vibrator from the bag and starts taking it out of the box. It requires a bit of dexterity considering that his hands are shaking slightly and he’s lying on his back, but he manages to do it. Getting the batteries inside is a whole different matter and he has a little more difficulty getting those put together.

“Holy shit, Cas.” When he looks up, Dean is staring at his hands and the bulbed wand of a vibrator he’s holding. “What are you, the Mary Poppins of sex toys?”

Dean abandons the rope to take the vibrator from him. He turns it over in his hands, testing the weight and getting a good feel for it. One of his eyebrows raises in question, but he doesn’t ask anything. Instead of looking back to Castiel, Dean turns his head and eyes the bag. There is one last thing to show him and Castiel dumps the rest of the bag out on to the blanket before finally throwing it away. He’s half expecting more than just the mask to be in there after how hard it was to get out everything else.

Castiel puts the remote aside on the other side of the bed where it won’t get lost and starts opening the box with the blindfold. “I want to try it.”

Once he pulls it out, he’s surprised to find that the black fabric is almost silky to the touch. He looks up at Dean, and widens his eyes enough to pull off what Gabriel calls his _puppy dog_ look. “Can we?”

The excited grin that spreads across Dean’s face is downright lecherous and he drops the vibrator. “You been getting these ideas all on your own, Cas?” He leans over to grab the bottle of lube from the night stand. “Or have you been watching porn with me again?”

It gets remarkably difficult to meet his eyes when Dean asks questions like that. Castiel looks away in favour of shoving the receipt from the bed to join the bag on the floor. He hasn’t been watching porn like they used to, but he has been reading forums and doing searches to find anything that might interest him. The most he’s investigated is further into the world of bondage and learning a bit more about BDSM. There’s been the odd video here or there, but that’s really about it.

Dean leans down to press a kiss to Castiel’s stomach. When he sits up again, he’s exchanged the bottle of lube for the vibrator again. “I’m going to wash this thing first. When I get back, I want you wearing that mask with your legs spread.” He slips back off the bed and throws a pointed look over his shoulder. “Got it, Cas?”

Dear God, _yes_. A spiraling thrill rushes through his chest and Castiel can only nod in answer. The elastic strap of the blindfold slips from his fingers a few times as he tries to get it over his head. As soon as the mask is over his eyes, Castiel’s world goes dark. Even with his eyes open as wide as he can make them, he still can’t see a single thing. The mask seemed so flimsy in his hands and he’s honestly impressed to see how well it obscures his vision.

While he can still hear the water running in the bathroom, he makes himself comfortable on the bed. He reaches back and pulls a pillow down under his head. Castiel keeps his arms above his head and tucks his hands underneath the pillow. There are a number of different ways he could spread his legs, but he chooses to plant his feet on the mattress just like how he saw the example on the rope’s label. Even without the rope he can already feel the stretch in his thighs.

The moment the sound of the tap in the bathroom turns off, Castiel starts straining to hear as much as he can. Dean’s footsteps are surprisingly quiet from a man of his size, but they’re still audible enough for Castiel to have a vague idea where he is. He’s pretty sure he knows when Dean enters the room, but he doesn’t know for certain until the door closes. Castiel’s pulse ratchets up another few notches for every footfall that brings Dean closer to him.

With the mask blocking his vision, his body feels hyper aware of everything. The feel of the sheets, the overwhelming smell of sex and Dean in the room, the barely perceptible flow of air through the room. Castiel can feel all of it, smell all of it, and practically _taste_ it on the air. His skin tingle with the anticipation of being touched and not knowing when or how or where it’s going to happen. He flinches in surprise when the edge of the mattress dips, even though he was expecting it.

Castiel bites his lip and forces himself not to move. His whole body feels like a taut wire, ready to snap at the first touch. Will Dean touch his legs first? His arms? His chest? Will he go back to blowing him or will he jerk him off? Not being able to see what Dean is doing while he gets settled on the bed is fueling his anticipation for everything he knows is coming next.

Surprisingly, the first thing Dean touches is his face. A thumb slides under Castiel’s bottom lip, and he gasps at the touch. Without sight, such a simple touch feels so _different_. He turns his face into Dean’s hand and gets rewarded with a small kiss. Even the quiet snap of the lube bottle being opened sounds so loud to him, though it’s a wonder that he can hear it over the pounding of his heart in his ears. The squishing liquid sound of the lube sends another thrill through him.

“I’m going to prep you first, okay?” Dean’s voice is so familiar to him, yet it sounds deeper and feels different to him.

When fingers touch his side, Castiel twitches in surprise again. He relaxes immediately as the gentle touch starts sliding down towards his hip. Oh, but this is exciting! Castiel is quickly growing fond of the blindfold, although he does miss seeing Dean’s face. One of his favourite things is seeing the way Dean looks at him, but it’s a sacrifice he’s willing to accept for trying this out. Although he does miss the expressions Dean makes, this is turning out rather well and Castiel hopes there may be times in the future when they’ll use the blindfold again.

Dean’s hand stops at his knee and gives a soft squeeze. “When I’m done, I’m going to get the rope. But you can’t move until I say so, Cas. You gotta stay just like this, okay?”

Oh God. Oh _God_. Yes, a thousand times yes. But somewhere between his brain and his mouth, those words get lost and an answer for Dean never comes to breath. Without an answer, they can’t move forward. There are levels of trust to this and permission needs to be granted – even though Castiel is more than willing to let Dean do whatever he wants to him.

Dean puts his hand on Castiel’s stomach. His fingers spread out wide and it’s a solid touch that only makes him want more. He rolls his stomach up into the touch purely on instinct, craving more of that touch. In response, Dean pushes down; exerting just enough strength to keep Castiel from pushing his hips up from the bed. “ _Okay_?”

 _Oh_. It’s getting hard to breathe, but Castiel does his best anyways. He forces himself to nod and hiss the answer Dean is waiting for. “ _Yes_ , Dean.”

“Good.” The hand on his stomach disappears, only to be replaced a moment later by one of those almost-ticklish kisses. “You’re gonna do great, Cas.”

He certainly hopes so.

In the span of a few minutes, Castiel _knows_ he’s doing great. Primarily because he hasn’t released himself from his position _and_ he’s refrained from demanding that Dean touch him properly. Although Dean is diligently working him open with his fingers, he’s also avoiding touching anything of importance. Castiel’s erection is going completely neglected – though, to be fair, so is Dean’s (from what he can tell). But the worst things is that Dean is outright avoiding touching that place inside Castiel that makes everything feel absolutely amazing.

It’s obvious that Dean is teasing him, and he kind of likes it – to a degree. Things feel so much more pronounced with the blindfold on and Castiel can barely stop himself from writhing. He twitches and trembles and all but vibrates in place with the effort to hold still. Without movement, the only reactions Castiel really has left to him are ones he can make with his voice. Any sense of embarrassment is thrown out the window and he surprises himself with how vocal he is – even though there aren’t any _words_ actually being formed.

When Dean withdraws his fingers, Castiel relaxes marginally. He takes deep, gulping breaths to try and calm himself, all while listening for what might come next. All he can hear is the squishing sound of the lube. Is Dean getting more for his fingers? Or is he slicking up his erection? Are they already getting to sex without the rope? Or is it the vibrator and does he plan to use it before they anything else?

All these questions swirl through his head in a muddy mess. He hasn’t even been tied up yet and he’s already well on his way to being as worked up as last time. If he could work his throat properly, Castiel would probably ask for that first. Granted, he’d rather wait and see (or _not_ -see, in this case) what Dean is planning next.

“You ready for it, Cas?”

He’s already nodding by the second word. At this point, it feels like Castiel was _born_ ready for this. God, but he hopes Dean doesn’t plan to keep teasing him. If he takes any longer to do the next thing, Castiel might have a heart attack or lose his ability to stay in this position, or he just might take care of things himself. And _that_ would just be all around disappointing for the both of them.

By some blessed miracle, Dean gets right to it. Something blunt and most definitely not attached to Dean starts pressing in. He’s not really sure how he can tell, but _that_ is most definitely not Dean’s erection. It’s the vibrator and something almost akin to fear fills his chest. Castiel has never used a vibrator before. It made his hands feel numb when he held it at the store earlier. What’s it going to be like to have it humming away against his prostate?

Regardless, Castiel feels empty now that Dean has taken his fingers away and he wants something in him again. He wants to feel that _full_ sensation again and he does his best to try and speed the process along. Oh, but of course _there_ is the teasing again. Dean doesn’t allow Castiel to take it all in like he wants to. Instead, Dean pulls it away and spreads his hand over his stomach again. He makes a soft shushing sound and starts to take his sweet time to work the vibrator in and out.

It takes for what feels like forever before Castiel finally gets what he wants – or at least _part_ of what he wants. The vibrator feels more solid than anything else he’s ever had in him. It feels immoveable and weird and wonderful all at once. He can hardly wait to feel what it’s going to be like when it gets turned _on_ – though, part of him kind of wishes that this was Dean instead. Between the two, he definitely prefers Dean more in size and shape and feel.

Castiel starts in surprise at the kisses to his inner thighs. Has Dean abandoned the vibrator now too? He’s not moving it anymore. Is he – His thoughts end suddenly and Castiel’s back arches from the bed. An inarticulate noise punches out of him as Dean turns the vibrator to – to – God, is this high or medium? It can’t possibly be _low_ , it feels too good to be that. Oh sweet heaven it feels as good as when Dean uses his fingers to rub at the same spot.

Dean is a merciless partner. His hands rub along his legs and they are quite obviously no longer holding the remote, but the vibrator is still purring away in side of him. No, Castiel takes that back. Dean is actually being rather sweet. He slides his hands down Castiel’s legs until he can pull at his ankle and stretch his leg out on the bed again. Now _that_ feels good. Not as good as the vibrator, but still nice.

Once his legs are straight, Dean’s hands disappear again. The vibrator doesn’t stop, but Castiel can hear the ripping of paper. What is he doing? The bed shifts a bit, like Dean is leaving over. Is he getting something? The rope? A condom? Curiosity itches at the back of his mind while Castiel does his best to battle the effects the vibrator causes in his body.

The bed shifts again and this time Castiel knows what happened. Dean stood up. He lifts his head slightly from the pillow, a curious sound in his throat. Instead of an answer, the bed jolts sharply underneath him in the unmistakable way of being _moved_. What in the world is going on now? Castiel can’t resist anymore and he starts to sit up, reaching for the mask. He _needs_ to see what’s happening.

In an instant, Dean’s hand is on his chest and pushing him back down again. “Don’t move, Cas. I just need the frame for this. Just give me a second to work out the mechanics, okay?” He takes Castiel’s hands and brings them down to his sides. “How’s that vibrator feeling?”

A distraction attempt? How quaint. It’s time for a little bit of payback for all that teasing. Castiel licks his lips and tilts his face in the direction of Dean’s voice. “I’ve taken better.” His own voice sounds strained to his ears.

His quip is rewarded with an upside down and somewhat uncoordinated kiss. At first Castiel thinks that’s all he’s going to get, but then there’s an audible double click right beside his ear and stars explode in his mind. His hands flail out for something to hold onto and the only thing he finds is the sheets. Castiel’s hips rock up and off the bed in an instinctive attempt to move away from the overpowering sensation of the vibrator on what _has_ to be the highest setting. If it can do anything more than this, then it just might kill him.

The sensations only last for a few seconds before it drops back to the previous setting – which is completely mild in comparison. Castiel hasn’t moved from the bed, but it feels like he collapses as his body relaxes.

A gentle kiss touches his forehead and he can feel Dean’s smug smile in it. “Flatter me again and you’ll only get more of that, Cas.”

Is that a promise? Because that – _that_ was amazing. Terrifyingly amazing. As soon as he’s able, Castiel clears his throat and makes another attempt at flattery, just to see if Dean will keep to his warning. “You’re bigger.”

Confusion fills Dean’s voice. “I’m what?” He sounds distracted. Whatever he’s doing above Castiel’s head must be taking quite a bit of his concentration.

“I said you’re bigger – _thicker_.” Castiel’s lips feel eternally dry and he licks them again as he tilts his head back to speak more directly to him. “I – I prefer you to the vibrator. You feel better than it.” This is surprisingly less embarrassing than he thought it would be. This is much easier when he doesn’t have Dean’s eyes on him. “You fill me up better than –” The rest of his compliment is obscured by a hand pressed tightly over his lips.

“Jesus _Christ_ , Cas! Since when did you have the balls to dirty talk?”

Is that really considered dirty talk? Castiel was simply stating facts. He can’t help grinning when Dean moves his hand. “It’s exceptionally less embarrassing to say these things when I can’t see if you don’t like it.” Oh, but what if Dean _didn’t_ like it? “Did I say it wrong?”

“No – uh – no.” Between the two of them, Dean is the one who sounds embarrassed. “You pretty much just said you like my cock.” Something touches his forehead and it takes Castiel a moment to realize that it’s Dean’s forehead – if the hair tickling his nose is any indication. “Y’just gotta fine tune your vocabulary and you’ll be golden.”

That’s certainly some food for thought. He’ll have to work on that later. “Do you like dirty talk?”

With a huff, Dean rubs his nose into Castiel’s hair before he’s gone again. “I don’t mind it. If you want to say it, go ahead. Dirty talk for me is the same as bondage. Sometimes I’m in the mood for it, sometimes I’m not.”

Castiel hums under his breath and rolls his neck in a stretch. “Is it better with vulgar terms? If I said that I like your _cock better_ , would that have been more appropriate vocabulary?”

“Cas, if you keep this up, I’m going to have to _gag_ you.” There’s the sound of a deep breath and the hiss of it being released through the nose. “I’ve got a spare tie that’ll work great for that.”

Now that’s something to think about. Castiel presses his lips together as he considers it. What would it be like to be both blinded _and_ gagged? It would be quite the experience, undoubtedly. But how would he ever be able to communicate to Dean if something he doesn’t like happens? No, he shouldn’t bother with that today. They can try it another time, maybe. Although, he would rather like to keep teasing Dean. That thick quality to his voice is fairly endearing.

That said, Castiel makes sure to pitch his voice _just right_ for what he says next; “Hurry up and _fuck me_ , Dean.” If he’s lucky, that will have the desired reaction of making Dean blush. Sadly, he won’t be able to see it, but it holds the chance of moving things along. Dean has been at the head of the bed for far too long now.

Without a word or any sort of forewarning, Dean changes the setting on the vibrator. It’s not nearly as powerful as high, but it’s enough to completely distract Castiel from words. If his will was any weaker, he would be touching himself and he would never last long enough to enjoy what’s to come – that is, if Dean would just _get on_ with whatever it is he’s doing with the bed frame. Actually, that sounds like a perfect way to try and keep his mind off of the assault to his prostate and the growing need to touch himself and finally _come_.

For how much he paid for it, this mask is surprisingly good. No matter how much he twists and turns and tries to see with his peripheral vision, Castiel can’t make out what Dean is doing. Obviously it’s something to do with the rope and the bed frame, but why is it taking so long to figure out how to combine them? Can’t he just wrap it around? Oh, but then how is he going to bind Castiel’s legs too? Is it going to be long enough for that?

When Dean turns the vibrator down a few moments later, he also takes the pillow out from under his head. Castiel doesn’t bother questioning it, instead taking a chance to calm down. After experiencing both Medium and High settings, Low feels like barely anything at all. Though nothing compares to having Dean move in him, of course.

Lightning dances under his skin when Dean guides his hands up over his head. He presses kisses to Castiel’s wrists just before the smooth slide of rope coils around them. It wreaks havoc on his ability to breathe and he squirms in excitement. This is it! This is what he’s been looking forward to and it’s sending his mind into a tizzy just like it did before – and they haven’t even gotten to the rest of it. There are still his legs left to go and he can hardly wait.

As soon as he’s sure that Dean is done with the knots, Castiel gives his restraints a slight tug to see what it’s like. He has some slack to the rope, but he can’t bring his hands even with his face unless he scoots up the bed. This is perfect. So very perfect. And it’s going to get better and oh God, Castiel can’t wait. He wants the rest of it and he wants it now. To hell with the vibrator. He wants Dean in him and on him and move and _now please_.

The bed dips as Dean joins him again and Castiel lifts his head, searching for the kiss he knows is coming. He moans happily into it as Dean’s fingers find their way into his hair and he presses kiss after kiss to his lips. They’re perfect in their own way, but he needs more. It’s not enough. Not when he’s barreling straight towards the edge and they haven’t even done anything yet. Oh, but – but these kisses are so sweet, so tender and caring and – and that edge is slipping away again as he gets distracted by them.

There are fingers on his chest, drifting in soft, aimless patterns. They tease and pinch at his nipples, drawing a quiet moan from his throat. Dean pulls away when the sound interrupts their kisses, and Castiel almost whines at the loss of them.  He isn’t even placated by the fact that Dean moves to kneel between his legs. Okay, so he _is_ pacified when Dean’s hand is around his erection again, stroking and spreading the precome. Castiel can feel the knuckles of Dean’s other hand brush lower – he’s touching the vibrator. Is he going to pull it out?

No, of course not. He would never do that. Instead, Dean turns it back onto high and Castiel cries out. His entire body arches off the bed at the pulsating buzz that feels like it’s filling up his whole body. He can feel it in his stomach and hear it in his head and it feels _so good_. After a few seconds of that torturous pleasure, Dean turns it off completely and Castiel sags to the bed a trembling mess. Every breath feels raw and painful in his throat, and he loves it.

He barely feels the soft kisses and swipes of tongue along his legs as Dean arranges them into the folded position again. If Castiel thought breathing was hard before, then he has no words for the struggle he has when Dean wraps the rope around his leg, binding his calf to his thigh. When he’s done, Dean moves to the other leg. As far as Castiel can tell, there’s no rope going between them and there is definitely no rope going from his hands to his legs. What he thought was one coil must have been three.

A soft, pleased sound passes his lips and Castiel squirms, testing the bindings again. They’re perfect. He couldn’t unfold his legs even if he wanted to. Now he’s complete at Dean’s mercy and a thousand possible futures flash through his mind. Dean could turn the vibrator back on and simply leave him here, waiting for that to be enough to make him come. Or he could take Castiel to the edge again and again, but never letting him get there. Or – or – or any number of things that sound rather fantastic.

He groans loudly when Dean turns the vibrator back on, even though it’s only at medium. Everything feels so much more powerful when he can feel the rope pressing into his skin. The blindfold magnifies it all into perfection. Although he does wish that he could see what Dean is doing. Castiel is keenly aware of Dean’s movements on the bed, and the slick sound of the lube he’s putting into his hand. Is he going to pull the vibrator out while it’s still on? Is that safe?

The nerves all along the front of Castiel’s body light up as Dean leans over him. He doesn’t lie down on top of him, but he’s within reach for a kiss and Castiel lifts his head for one. The kisses put the lube out of Castiel’s mind as he gives his all to them. His hands wrap around the slack of the rope, holding on to it in place of being able to wrap his arms around Dean.

It feels like forever before Dean moves his kisses to Castiel’s ear. His voices is rougher than usual. Has he been touching himself during their kisses? “You ready, Cas? There’s more, y’know.”

More? Oh God, anything else and Castiel is certainly going to die from all of this. He swallows thickly, steeling himself against what’s about to happen. His limbs start to tremble slightly and it’s hard to contain his anticipation. Dean’s going to take out the vibrator and give Castiel exactly what he wants and it’s going to be _so good_.

Except Dean doesn’t do that. He turns the vibrator up another level as he moves forward to straddle Castiel’s stomach. His thighs press against the back of Dean’s hips. It’s not what he was expecting, but it gives him something he’s been waiting for. Without thinking, Castiel thrusts up against Dean, rubbing his erection against whatever he can reach. This isn’t what he wants, but he could easily come from this – and the vibrator really isn’t helping matters at all.

No, _no_. That isn’t what he should focus on. Dean is now in no position to fuck him and that is not what Castiel had told him to do. The only question that Castiel can get out is his name. “Dean?”

Dean lifts up and Castiel feels fingers curl around his erection. The action is quickly followed by pressure against the head of his cock and he knows exactly what’s happening. Dean isn’t going to fuck him. _He_ is going to fuck Dean! The moment he realizes that is the same moment that the vibrator settings move to high. The powerful pulse catches Castiel by surprise and he bites his bottom lip hard as his body reacts. His hips snap up and he spares a moment of worry for how quickly he thrusts inside of Dean. There’s no time for him to adjust slowly and it must be painful.

The only word Castiel is capable of forming is Dean’s name and he whimpers it on repeat. He’s balancing on the edge of orgasm  more than ever with combination of the vibrator and the tight heat of having Dean around him. But Dean is just _sitting_ there and not doing anything and all Castiel can do is writhe and wait and call his name until he _moves_.

“Just sit still and let me do this.” Dean leans forward and whispers against his lips before he kisses him.

It’s just the kind of kiss that fuels Castiel’s fire. Even the way Dean moves, rocking slow and sweet, is fantastic. He likes the feeling of having Dean’s weight on his stomach, sitting back against his side and rolling against him. If it weren’t for the ropes, Castiel would hold his hips and dig his heels into the bed to thrust up into every roll. Knowing he can’t do that because  he’s tied up is part of the reason _why_ he enjoys this. The frustrations only make this better, oddly enough.

After a sweet and torturous amount of time, Dean switches his position. Castiel can’t figure out how he’s sitting, but a lot of his weight is resting on his stomach. Something presses against his thighs, spreading them wider. It takes him a moment to realize that it’s Dean’s shoulders. A image forms in his mind of how Dean must be sitting now and it makes Castiel’s mouth water. Oh, but what he wouldn’t give to be able to _see_ how he’s sitting.

In this new position, Dean is able to take him in entirely. Castiel cries out in surprise and pleasure when he rises up and drops down again. There’s nothing soft and slow about this now. Dean is on a mission and he rides Castiel at a brutal pace. He must, without a doubt, look amazing – if the soft barely there sounds he’s making are anything to go by. Oh God, he can’t wait anymore. He is _so_ done with the blindfold now and it needs to be _gone_.

“Dean – _Dean_ – I want to –” Every word is a gasp and Dean isn’t making anything easier. “ _Dean_ , please, I want to see – Dean –” Oh, but he wants to see so badly.

“How close are you, Cas?”

His voice scrapes through Castiel, carving hot trails through his bones. He shivers at the feeling. “Please – I want – Dean, take the mask _off_.” Castiel will hate himself for the rest of his life if he misses this.

“Answer the question, Cas. How. Close. Are. You?” Every word is a punctuated by the sharp up-down snap of his hips.

Castiel groans loudly and pushes his head back into the sheets. “Close – so close. Dean – _please_ –” He wants to see. Please, just let him _see_.

Dean takes a deep breath and his hips still. Castiel bears most of his weight again as he sits forward. Fingers brush his forehead as Dean grabs at the mask. He drags it down his face and the elastic catches on his ears before it settles around his neck. As soon as he’s pulled it off, Dean falls back into his previous position to support himself on his hands as he leans back between Castiel’s legs. His head falls back, baring his throat as he returns to moving with abandon.

Of course Dean is just as beautiful like this as Castiel expected him to be. It’s the last thing Castiel needed to put him over the edge. Regrettably, he closes his eyes as tilts his head back. The image of Dean is fresh in his mind as he moans his name while he reaches his orgasm. Dean stops and bears down around him, squeezing Castiel’s erection as he comes. Although he’s used the word too much tonight, it certainly is perfection.

He wants to move. Dear God, but Castiel wants to rock his hips and fuck Dean through his orgasm. He’s well aware of the fact that he’s not wearing a condom and it feels _so good_ to know that he’s filling Dean up just like he did Castiel the other week. Since he can’t move, Dean thankfully does. He drops to sit in Castiel’s lap fully and rolls his hips while Castiel shudders through to the end of his orgasm.

Castiel takes a deep and breathes Dean’s name on the exhale. ““Dean – Dean, untie me – Please.”

Dean makes a choked noise and Castiel can’t tell if it’s out of frustration or pleasure. “Cas, I haven’t –”

“I know.” He gives a hard tug at the rope around his wrists because he needs to get untied _now_. If he doesn’t get his hands on Dean in the next few seconds, bad things are going to happen. “I can – if you would just untie me. _Please_ , Dean.”

With an annoyed groan, Dean lifts himself completely off of Castiel and slides to one side to avoid sitting on him again. The vibrator is still purring away and Castiel tries his best to ignore it. It’s starting to get a little sensitive, but his priority is getting untied right now. Dean has different plans, apparently. In the process of moving to kneel next to Castiel, he turns off the vibrator. With a sigh, Castiel relaxes. That was _definitely_ a good purchase.

He lifts his head for a kiss as Dean leans over him and smiles into it when he’s met without complain. Dean kisses him slowly at first, but deepens it quickly. The moment his wrists are free, Castiel slides his fingers slide into Dean’s hair. He holds him in place while kissing him harder. Castiel is more than aware that he hasn’t come yet and he is entirely too excited to help him to it. But he can’t do that while his legs are still tied.

To get Dean’s attention to that, Castiel breaks their kisses by tugging at his hair again. He’s almost dragging Dean’s head down towards his legs, but it gets the point across. Within moments, Castiel’s legs are free too. Even though his erection is he dripping and neglected, Dean still leans down to press a kiss to the red marks the ropes left on his legs. It’s not nearly as obvious as it was when they used the camping rope, but Castiel doesn’t mind. He likes the marks.

Castiel stretches his legs with a pleased groan. They’re going to ache for the rest of the day, but it was _so_ worth it. He needs another few moments to breathe before he can do anything to help Dean with his predicament. In that time, he watches him with lidded eyes. It feels like forever since he got to see Dean and Castiel soaks in the sights.

He watches as Dean sits up and reaches behind himself, his expression screwing up into one of discomfort. “I don’t know how you actually _wanted_ this last time.”

Wanted what? Oh! Does Dean not like the feeling of having someone come in him? If he didn’t like it, then why did he not put a condom on Castiel before he started riding him? Granted, Castiel probably should have warned him before he came, but it wasn’t something he really knew was going to happen. It just _did_ and now here they are.

Castiel throws Dean a sheepish grin in apology. He’ll make it up to him very soon. Just as soon as he does a few things. He stretches with a sigh before rolling to the side and reaching for the bedside table. Dean has recently started keeping a box of wet naps in there, and Castiel grabs those. The next step is to get the vibrator out of him, and Castiel winces as he does that. It’s not as pleasant coming out as it is going in, although he still hates the empty feeling he gets when it’s gone.

With some effort, Castiel rolls out of his spot on the bed and gets to his knees by Dean. “Switch with me. I promise you’ll like what I’m going to do.” He gets a suspicious squint for his efforts, but Castiel ignores it in favour of cleaning off the vibrator. If he’s going to use it right away, it needs to be _very_ clean, even if it means using a dozen wet naps to do it.

After a moment of silence, Dean turns and flops into the same spot. “What are you going to do?”

Once the vibrator is clean, Castiel shrugs and puts it aside. He takes the remote from Dean and places it next to the vibrator so he won’t misplace either of them.  With that taken care of, Castiel rolls his shoulders in a stretch and crawls into place between Dean’s legs again.

“I’m going to make it up as I go along.” He grins at Dean as he leans down to press a kiss to the centre of his chest. Hopefully he won’t notice how that’s actually a blatant lie. Castiel knows exactly what he wants to do to him.

Dean looks skeptical, but he doesn’t say anything as Castiel stretches out on his stomach. He presses a wet kiss to the base of Dean’s erection. The familiar taste spreads across his tongue and he fights the urge to moan at it. While he works his mouth, Castiel traces a finger around Dean’s hole. It’s wet and slippery with a mixture of lube and come. That’s rather thrilling, actually. A bit gross, but if he wasn’t completely spent, Castiel would probably find it arousing to feel Dean full of _his_ come.

When Castiel sucks Dean down to the best of his ability, he’s rewarded with a pleased groan. Dean’s fingers find their way into his hair, holding him in place as he licks and sucks and does his best to bring him closer to the edge. Of course he refuses to let Dean come in his mouth tonight. He has better plans for that. Speaking of…

Surprisingly, Dean seems completely oblivious as Castiel gets the vibrator and remote. He definitely notices when Castiel starts working it in. There’s barely any resistance at all, though that’s no surprise. Dean’s hips buck slightly once the vibrator is fully in place and Castiel has to lay his free arm across his hips to keep that from happening again. At the same time, Castiel flicks the remote to high. Might as well get Dean used to it right off the bat.

“Son of a _bitch_.” Dean cries out and his whole body twitches violently.

Castiel looks up to see him pawing at the sheets and squirming under his arm. _Perfect_. This is every bit for Dean’s pleasure, but it’s definitely his revenge. If Dean had known how powerful the vibrations had been, maybe he wouldn’t have left it on high for as long or as often as he did. And, maybe, he would have done as Castiel asked him to do the first time around.

And _that_ is part two of his plan.

Dean whines softly when Castiel sits up. The whine dies immediately the moment Dean realizes what he’s doing. Castiel straddles his hips and wastes no time in sinking down on Dean’s cock. It feels miles better than the vibrator and he sighs happily at the familiar feel. As hard as he came earlier, Castiel would have absolutely preferred having _this_ inside of him. Dean groans long and low as he digs his fingers into the crisscrossing lines on Castiel’s thighs. Clearly he’s as pleased by this as Castiel is.

Although things are getting a little sensitive down there, this position will keep his prostate from being touched. Like this he can go for as long as it will take for Dean to come. At this point, he doesn’t think that’s far off. Dean looks more than ready for it. His eyes are squeezed shut as he squirms and rocks and looks like the definition of pleasure. Castiel can’t help but smile, pleased by his handiwork.

He finds Dean’s hands on his thighs, prying them free. His rhythm doesn’t break in the slightest as he leans forward to pin Dean’s hands to the sheets by his head. To his delight, Dean immediately twists his hands so that their fingers can link together. The position puts Castiel directly above him and he waits until Dean opens his eyes and looks at him. As soon as their eyes meet, he picks up the pace of his hips and bears down, knowing that this will bring Dean to orgasm faster.

Dean’s mouth drops open with a gasp and Castiel dips his head to catch his bottom lip in his teeth. He can’t resist giving it a playful tug before stealing a quick kiss. When he pulls back, Dean lifts his head to follow after him. That’s sweet and oh so tempting, but he has to resist for now.

Instead, Castiel smiles. “I told you to _fuck me_ , Dean.” To emphasize his point, he flexes as best he can. He knows he succeeded when Dean’s eyes widen slightly. “I enjoyed having you ride me, but next time you should _listen_ to me.”

Dean nods repeatedly in answer, and Castiel supposes that must be his apology. Good enough. It’s not like he really expected Dean to say anything right now anyways. He leans down to taste Dean’s next moan, and the next after that, and every single one until Dean’s back bows from the bed. Their kisses break as Dean tilts his head back, but Castiel guides him back to kiss him through his orgasm. He keeps riding Dean until it feels like the liquid heat pulsing inside him has stopped.

With a hum, Castiel leans forward until Dean’s cock slides out of him. He doesn’t feel so empty without it after Dean has come in him. This turned out better than he ever thought it would and he can’t stop himself from grinning. Dean is still trembling from his orgasm as Castiel turns the vibrator off, one setting at a time. He makes sure that Dean can see him doing it. Instead of a smile, Castiel gets a lazy frown and it concerns him.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” He raises his eyebrow in curiosity, head tilting slightly as he tries to parse why Dean would look anything but happy. Did he do something wrong?

Dean’s hands find his thighs again and he starts rubbing his palms over the  lines. “I don’t want to get up.” He whines and fixes Castiel with a pathetic glare. “But I _have_ to go clean up since _someone_ didn’t warn me before they came in my ass and made a mess.”

Oh really? Well isn’t that amusing. “If you didn’t want that to happen, you should have put a condom on me.” Castiel smiles and moves back to sit between Dean’s legs again. He taps the base of the vibrator where it’s still snug against Dean’s hole. “Or you could always just leave this in. It will keep everything in until you’re willing to move again.”

His nose crinkles and Dean covers his eyes with an arm. “This isn’t a _plug_ , Cas. How about you _not_ be a jackass and just go get a cloth to clean me up.”

He _could_ do that, or he could stretch out next to Dean and get comfortable. That sounds like the best option and that’s what he does. “What if I don’t have the energy to do that either?” Except they really should clean up before things get sticky or uncomfortable. And he’s not sure if he wants to learn what happens if he leaves come inside of him for too long. “How long do we have until Sam comes home?”

Dean frowns and looks up at the ceiling in thought. “I think he had the late shift tonight, which means he doesn’t usually get home until around midnight.”

Castiel does the mental math. That leaves them just under four hours to clean up and make Dean’s room, and themselves, look like this never happened. He hates it when they do that. It doesn’t erase what they’ve done, but he likes seeing the reminders that even if just for a little while, he got to have Dean all to himself. And he’s going to do everything in his power to extend that time for as long as he possibly can.

With a yawn, Castiel wiggles to make himself comfortable. “I would like to nap.”

Grumbling, Dean props himself up on his elbows. “First we’ve gotta clean up, so pass me the damn wet naps. I’m not getting out of this bed.” He makes a _give-me_ gesture for the box. “After that, we can nap.”

Excellent! Castiel grabs the wet naps and passes them to Dean. There is just one more worry for him to address and he’s particularly worried about the answer. “Are you going to kick me out for the nap?” The last time he slept in Dean’s bed, it was when he got tipsy during the poker game. And they have never slept _together_ before either.

“ _Hell_ no.” Dean shoots an incredulous glare at him as he pull out a cloth. “You’re sticking around to clean up the mess you left in my ass.” He rolls onto his stomach, spread his legs, and holds the cloth out to him. “You do me, I’ll do you. It’s only fair since we already did each other.”

That’s an absolutely terrible play on words and Castiel rolls his eyes at it. Dean’s horrible sense of humour is just one more of the reasons that he loves him. He hides his smile at the thought as he sits up and pulls the vibrator free. Castiel is still smiling when they’ve finished cleaning up and remade the bed. They haven’t bothered to change the sheets, since neither of them wants to put on any clothing.

Dean is a warm, solid heat against his back as they get comfortable under the blanket. His knees tuck up behind Castiel’s and it makes him giddy when Dean loops an arm around his stomach to pull him closer. His heart pounds loud enough that everyone in their building must be able to hear it. A nose nuzzles against the back of his neck and Castiel bites his lip so he doesn’t make a single sound at it. This feels so intimate, so perfect. It’s everything that he’s wanted and more.

There’s only one thing that could make this more perfect and Castiel takes the risk. He covers Dean’s wrist with his hand and waits a few minutes before he slowly slides his hand lower. His thumb brushes the back of Dean’s fingers. Is it wrong that he wants so badly to hold his hand while they sleep? Would that be too much to ask for? Castiel should be happy with just this, but he still wants that little bit more.

To his delight, Dean spreads his fingers to make room. A soft spread puffs against the back of his neck as Castiel’s slides their fingers together, curling to hold Dean’s hand against his belly. He can feel a smile on his skin and Dean presses a kiss to the nape of his neck. Hope spirals thick through Castiel’s chest and he closes his eyes to focus on preserving it. This is everything that he wants to have on a daily basis, in public and in private and he has to memorize this moment so he’ll never forget it.

Because who knows if he’s ever going to be allowed it again?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warnings:_  
>  -blow jobs  
> \- anal fingering  
> \- anal sex  
> \- attempts at dirty talk  
> \- bondage  
> \- blindfold  
> \- bottom!Cas  
> \- bottom!Dean  
> \- creampies


	31. Chapter 31

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dean takes a deep breath of his own and he holds it for a few seconds. After letting it out slowly through his nose, he gives Castiel’s arm a short tug. “Well, you could have fucking _lied_ , Cas.”
> 
> No. Absolutely not. He will never lie about _that._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter content warnings are at the end of chapter. Please click the link below to see them.**
> 
> **This chapter takes place before and during _[Chapter Thirteen](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4868463)_ of the _A Little Patience_ story line.**

When the alarms of their cell phones start to ring, Castiel sincerely wishes that time would just stop. He wants to pull a pillow over his head and not say or do anything for the rest of his life. Aside from the alarms, everything else about this moment is absolutely perfect and he _hates_ their phones for shattering this bliss. For nothing in this life can be better than to have Dean curled against his him and snoring softly against the back of his neck. The arm around his waist is a heavy, comforting weight and Castiel would do anything to be able to stay under it.

Unfortunately, that is not the case. It is with a sad heart and a painful weight in his chest that he slowly extracts himself from Dean’s grip. If he can make it out of the room without waking Dean, that would be nice. He deserves his sleep after how hard he worked tonight. He deserves to stay in bed and sleep the rest of the evening while Castiel showers and cleans up what remains of their sexual escapades. Sadly, that doesn’t seem to be in the cards for Dean tonight either.

The moment Castiel starts to pull away, he groans and rolls onto his back. He drapes an arm over his eyes, not looking as Castiel slowly gets to his feet. It’s been a few hours since the bondage and his legs still feel like jelly. They were apparently in the tied up position longer than they could tolerate. Hopefully this feeling will wear off soon. It will be hard to explain why he’s limping when Sam he gets home. Speaking of, he’s due to be off work in roughly fifteen minutes. That doesn’t really give them a whole lot of time to take care of everything.

Dean must understand the predicament of their time crunch. Castiel hasn’t even hobbled to the end of the bed before he’s rolled off the mattress on and onto his feet. With a yawn, Dean makes his way to the pile of clothes they left scattered in a line towards the bed. He is utterly shameless with his nudity, even scratching at his belly as he stares down at their clothing. Castiel stays on his feet and accepts whatever clothing Dean hands to him. If he bent over right now, he might not be able to get back up.

“I’m gonna hit the john.” Dean yawns again and pitches his clothing into his hamper. He turns an appreciative eye on Castiel and looks him up and down. “As much as I hate to say it, you should probably put some pajamas on.”

“I could say the same to you.”

Laughing, Dean actually saunters when he walks away. “Enjoying the view, Cas?”

“ _Immensely_.” Oh but what he wouldn’t give to have a camera in his hands right now. The pictures he could take of that form would put the great classics to shame.

They should probably both take a shower tonight, but neither one can be bothered to try and squeeze one in before Sam gets home. And they wouldn’t have the time to adequately dry their hair before he got back. If they _both_ had wet hair when he walks in, Castiel is sure that Sam would do the math and figure out what happened tonight. He might be off on the details, but he would know – without a doubt – that they had sex. Sam is smart like that and he’s got the attention to those kind of details that usually go right over Castiel’s head.

By the time Dean comes out of the bathroom, Castiel is already dressed in sweatpants and a long sleeved night shirt. He’s already taken the chain off the lock on the door and he’s waiting at Dean’s bedroom door, ready and willing to help clean up the room. Once Dean is dressed, they strip the sheets from the bed and remake it with fresh ones. They do this all with the window open to air out the space. Even now Castiel thinks it still carries the heady scent of sex, and it’s enough to make him dizzy.

“Hey, what should we do with this stuff?” Dean asks as he picks up the lengths of rope. The vibrator is still resting on the bedside table with its remote. “You think it’s safe to keep it in your drawers?”

Castiel shakes his head, knowing immediately that it wouldn’t be. “I would never be able to open those drawers with anyone in the same room. Are you able to keep them in your closet?” He knows for a fact that Sam never goes into Dean’s closet and vice versa. The Winchester brothers value their privacy and they respect each other’s boundaries like that. While Sam has never gone into his drawers, it’s just too much of a risk for them to take.

“To the shoebox, then!”

With careful precision, they coil up the rope to tuck them away in the same box where Dean keeps the rest of his ‘ _fun_ ’ things. The last thing they want to do is store those and the vibrator improperly and risk ruining them.

Once the bedroom is perfect, there’s nothing left for them to do but go to bed for real. Sam will be home any minute and he’ll be heading to bed right away too. But Castiel isn’t done yet. There’s one last thing he wants to make tonight as close to perfection as it any night can ever get. He deliberates at Dean’s door, trying to decide whether or not it would be appropriate for him to ask for a goodnight kiss.

“Guess it’s time to turn in, huh?” Dean yawns again and stretches his arms above his head.

He pauses in the middle of his room and Castiel can feel his pulse pick up when Dean looks at him. A small smile curls the corners of his mouth and Dean pads over to him. His hand goes to the light switch, but he still leans in for a short, but oh so very sweet kiss. Castiel has to resist the temptation to reach out and hook his fingers in the waistband of Dean’s pants – since he is very much not wearing a shirt right now. It’s an absolute _crime_ that they’ll both be going to bed with a whole wall between them.

With some difficulty, Castiel keeps a pout from making it to his face. Instead he opts for a grateful smile, happy to have received the kiss. “Goodnight, Dean.”

“G’night, Cas.” Dean returns the smile before he steps away.

Castiel heads for his bed before he has to deal with the crushing weight of having the door closed in his face or something equally painful. As he curls up in under his blankets, he wishes desperately that it was Dean’s bed he was in. When he hugs his pillow to his chest, he imagines it’s Dean and lets those thoughts lull him to sleep.

*

This has been an _interesting_ week, for lack of a better word. Very little about it is any different than how his weeks normally go, but there is a distinct difference to the air in the apartment. The later into the week they get, the less jovial Dean becomes. By Wednesday evening, he’s not so much walking around the apartment as he is stalking. He’s a moving pillar of agitation that neither Castiel nor Sam feels any need to oppose.

In an odd contrast, Dean also gets increasingly affectionate throughout the week. A day does not go by where Castiel makes it through to the evening without having Dean’s hands on him at least once. Sometimes he steals kisses; rough and desperate and – if he had to sum it up in one word – _claiming_. Other times he’s being dragged to Dean’s bedroom (willingly, of course) to make a mess of the bed again in any and every way possible.

Sometimes all Dean does is grope him. He’ll press in close and put his hands everywhere and anywhere he can reach. And more than once he’s done these things _while_ Sam is home. No matter the length of time, if Sam is out of the room then Dean will be stealing some form of touch or kiss. As far as Castiel can tell, the majority of what Dean does this week is very much against their agreement. But of course he’s not going to point that out.

Bringing attention to what Dean is doing might make Dean stop all together. Besides, it’s not like Castiel actually _minds_ what’s happening. If Sam finds out, it’s not like it’s going to be his fault for it. If anything, he’d _prefer_ that Sam knew what they were doing. Then they wouldn’t have to act like there’s nothing going on between them. Oh, but what if Sam knowing means the end of their sordid and clandestine relationship? In that case, this is absolutely something that needs to remain a secret.

As such, Castiel spends the week keeping his questions to himself. By Friday, his hips ache in the best of ways and he is _very_ confused. Sexually satisfied in every possible way, but confused. That satisfaction is the entire reason that Castiel isn’t a walking pillar of nerves regarding his pending date with Meg. He’s feeling on the matter are more dread than they are anticipation. She’s a wonderful coworker and he enjoys his shifts with her, but he just doesn’t see her the way that she apparently sees him.

Unfortunately for Castiel, Gabriel doesn’t quite get that. He hasn’t shut up about the date all week. In fact, _he’s_ the one who went and made all the plans for the date. Clearly he’s more excited about this date than Castiel is. Gabriel even booked the restaurant and gifted the tickets to the movie. It’s a rather late showing and Castiel isn’t altogether pleased by it, primarily because it’s unfair to Meg. She has to work the next day. Friday is the end of his work week, so the time is more or less fine for him – despite being later than he would like it to be.

Oddly enough, Meg hasn’t said a word about their date. As far as Castiel can tell, she’s acting completely the same as usual. Hopefully he’s not missing anything obvious. It has occurred to him that she could possibly be flirting with him constantly and he just hasn’t realized it, but if that’s the case, then he doesn’t really care. Meg can flirt to her heart’s content, but it’s not going to change that Castiel doesn’t have any interest in dating her.

The only day of the week when he’s able to pick up on a shift in her demeanor is Friday itself. She is _much_ perkier than her usual self as she hands out food and drinks. It’s a little off putting, to be honest. Castiel prefers when she’s sassy and laid back. It makes their shifts together interesting.

Despite how his shift ends before hers, Meg still finds the time to follow him outside while he waits for Dean to pick him up. “So, sunshine. Looking forward to tonight?”

Castiel shrugs and looks away from her to glance up the street. “I suppose.”

He doesn’t want to come off as rude, but he really isn’t. Of course he’s still going to be a perfect gentleman and he’ll do his best to make sure that they actually _do_ have a good time. He’d still rather be at home with Dean, but there’s just no getting around this. All Castiel has to do is get through this one date, politely tell Meg that he isn’t interested in a second one, and then threaten Gabriel with bodily harm if he ever does something like this again.

Meg laughs and slaps him on the arm. “You don’t have to try and play it cool with me, Clarence. I know you’re totally psyched for tonight.”

Why does she continue to insist on calling him Clarence? It’s a nickname that no one he works with will explain it to him. They all think it’s absolutely _hilarious_ and everyone calls him it every once in a while. Meg is the only one who uses it consistently.

Thankfully, Castiel doesn’t have to share any further banter with her. As always, Dean is almost exactly on time and he pulls up to the curb right then.

With a sigh, Meg gives him a little shove towards the car. “Go on and pretty yourself up for me. I’ll be buy later tonight to pick you up and then we’re going to have a _blast_.”

“See you later, then.” Castiel nods to her and gets into the car as quickly as he can without looking like he’s rushing to get in.

When she waves, he returns it with a polite little flick of his wrist, hoping that will be enough. It takes everything in his power not to tell Dean to hit the gas and _drive_. Not that words are overly needed. He’s not even buckled in before Dean is pulling away from the corner and merging into traffic. By the time they’re a block away, Castiel has determined that something is wrong. Dean hasn’t said a word since he got in the car and that is _very_ unlike him.

Is he in a bad mood? Did something happen at the garage today? Castiel steals little glances at him out of the corner of his eye, but Dean is steadfastly staring out the front window. His whole body is rigid – nothing like his usual relaxed demeanor when he’s driving his precious car. Something is most definitely wrong and Castiel has to swallow around a tight lump of worry in his throat.

Maybe – maybe if he made some conversation, Dean might relax a bit? He clears his throat and drums his fingers on his knees. “So… Do you have any plans for the evening, Dean?” It would be nice to know what he’s doing, just so Castiel can imagine that he’s doing it too if he gets too uncomfortable on the date tonight.

“No.”

That’s all he gets. One sharp, angry little word. It’s enough to keep Castiel quiet for the rest of the ride. His mind feels like it’s gone blank and he can’t for the life of him figure out what it is that he should do – that he _can_ do – to brighten Dean’s mood again. He hopes that whatever is wrong with Dean right now will be dealt with before his date tonight. This will be an extreme distraction for him and Meg deserves better than that – even if this is a date Castiel doesn’t want to go on _and_ she went through Gabriel to arrange it in the first place.

They make it all the way home without another word being said between them. Even on the way up to the apartment, they say nothing. Castiel has to fight not to fidget or continue glancing at Dean. He doesn’t want to do anything that may irritate him further, but at the same time he can’t stop thinking about what might be wrong. While Dean might have been somewhat off all week, he certainly wasn’t acting anything like this.

“Hey guys!” Sam calls out to them when they enter the apartment. He has a textbook for one of his fall courses that he’s reviewing. As soon as he sees Castiel, his smile gets even bigger. “Big night, huh, Cas?”

“Not particularly.” Castiel shrugs and turns to remove his shoes in front of the closet. He doesn’t care about sounding rude about tonight’s date when it’s just him and the Winchesters. They are both well aware of the fact that he would much rather spend the evening here. “Meg and I are merely doing the standard dinner and a movie.”

Ah, that reminds him. He doesn’t want to be caught rushing around just before he gets here. It would be best that he get all of his preparations out of the way now. There’s only a few hours between now and when Meg is going to pick him up. That’s plenty of time to pick out an outfit and shower, but it won’t be nearly enough time to try and figure out what happened to upset Dean so much today.

“Dean, do you mind if I take the shower first?” Maybe the perfect solution for him would be a nice long shower? If he lets Castiel go first, then he would be able to spend as long as he wants in there. In fact, Castiel will take the quickest shower imaginable so he won’t use up all of the hot water. “I would like to get that out of the way so I’m not rushing to be ready when –”

Without taking off his shoes or even glancing at Sam or him, Dean strides off into the apartment straight for his bedroom. “Do what you want.”

The door closes with a definitive _thud_ behind him and the sound of the lock turning is too loud in the apartment. All Castiel can do is stand there and stare after him. Either something absolutely _terrible_ happened at the garage today, or Dean is mad with _him_. If that’s the case, then Castiel doesn’t have the first clue what it is that he might have done. Dean was acting a little odd this morning when he dropped Castiel off at work, but he wasn’t anything like _this_.

Sam gets up from the kitchen table to stand in the entrance and glare at Dean’s door. “What the hell crawled up his butt?”

“I honestly don’t know.” And it is absolutely _killing_ him. “Has he said anything to you today?”

“No, I haven’t talked to him since this morning.” He continues frowning at the door until he turns to Castiel. “Don’t let Dean being a dick get in the way of you having a good time tonight, okay? You just go get ready and have some fun.”

Right. _Fun_. As if that’s going to be at all possible with _this_ hanging over his head. All Castiel wants to do right now is call up Meg to cancel their date so he can stay here and do something to help Dean. Even if all he does is sit here and wait for Dean to come out of his room, then that’s what he do. But he knows that’s not going to happen. Meg would never accept such a reason and she would likely still show up. Castiel doubts that having their date _here_ would make anything better. For some reason, Dean doesn’t much like the majority of his coworkers from the café.

With a more than heavy heart, Castiel heads to his bed to start putting together an outfit for tonight. Try as he might, his thoughts remain focused on Dean. “Do you think that someone from the garage might be able to tell us what’s wrong? Like Bobby or Benny?”

“I don’t have Benny’s number, but I could send Bobby a text.” Sam digs his phone out of his pocket and starts tapping at the screen. “It’s a bit of a long shot, but it’s better than nothing, I guess.” When he’s done, he gives Castiel an exasperated look. “Tell me it’s not just me and that he’s been weird all week.”

“It’s not just you.” Though they probably have different takes on how _weird_ Dean has been.

Sam sighs and leans against the wall. “Damn, I was hoping it was me. Then this would at least make sense. I know it’s getting to a difficult time of the year for us, but he’s never gotten all pissy like this before the big day gets here.”

Castiel stands up with his clothes in hand and turns to Sam curiously. “What do you mean?” He can’t for the life of him think of any significance that July would have to the Winchesters. Jess and Dean’s birthdays are in January, and Sam’s is in May.

For a moment, Sam’s lips press into a thin line and he looks away. It only takes a second for him to regain his composure before he’s turning back to Castiel with a sad look in his eyes. “In a couple weeks it’s going to be the anniversary of the day our parents died.”

“ _Oh_.” That hadn’t even occurred to him. “My apologies. I knew they were no longer around, but I didn’t even think that an anniversary like that would –”

He cuts himself off as Sam raises his hand and smiles at him. “It’s okay, Cas. It’s not like we talk about it a whole lot. Things were rough for the both of us for a while after that. We’re a lot better now, but the time around that day can be, well, _difficult_ sometimes.”

Castiel nods and glances towards Dean’s bedroom. If that truly is what’s upsetting Dean right now, then there really is absolutely nothing he can do for him right now. All Castiel can do is get this date over with and then make sure that he’s going to be here for his best friend if he needs him. _That_ is what’s going to be the most important thing in the coming weeks.

*

It’s might be just a tad heart breaking that Dean doesn’t come out of his bedroom even once in the time between when they got home and when Meg texts that she’s arrived. Castiel feels the weight in his chest like a physical pain and can’t stop himself from glancing multiple times at the locked bedroom door while he puts his shoes on. He takes his time with it, drawing it out in hopes that Dean will show himself at least to wish him good luck or impart some kind of wisdom to get through a date unscathed.

Sam, however, doesn’t want to wait. He marches across the apartment and knocks on the door. The first knock is polite. When that goes unanswered, the second less so. By the fifth ignored knock, Sam is essentially hammering against the door with his fist. Castiel winces at it and shuffles on his feet, worried that one of the neighbours might come over to complain.

Suddenly, Sam steps back and pulls his cell phone out. He turns his glare to it and makes a frustrated, angry noise. “He’s gotta be _joking_ with me right now.”

“Don’t worry about it, Sam.” Castiel shakes his head and does a final pat down to make sure he has everything. Wallet, cellphone, keys; check, check, and check. “Dean is obviously going through some things right now and we shouldn’t bother him with this.”

“But it’s your first date, Cas!” He turns around, clearly upset that Dean won’t come out of his room. “The least he can do is see you off for it!” Sam rests his hands on his hips and throws a glare at the bedroom door. “Imagine what would have happened if I wasn’t here? You would have left wearing that trench coat of yours.”

Castiel rolls his eyes and checks that his tie is properly knotted. He adjusts the other (apparently far more fashionable and better fitting) coat that Sam had forced upon him, insisting that he borrow it. Why does everyone seem to hate his coat? He loves it for how convenient it is. “Thank you, Sam. Your fashion tips are always appreciated.” He makes sure to layer the sarcasm in his voice.

Although it would be nice to have Dean seem him off too, it’s not at all required. Castiel hardly considers this to be his first date. This is simply taking a coworker out for dinner and a movie because his brother is too much of a nosey busybody to leave him alone. Besides, it’s not like Castiel even holds any special significance for a first date. _Anything_ could be considered a date, if you get technical about it. According to the definition of a _date_ , it is a social or romantic appointment or engagement. Since there is nothing remotely romantic about tonight’s date, it is clearly a social engagement that would be no different than if he went out with Jess and Sam to do the same.

“And don’t be so hard on Dean tonight. He’s clearly going through some things and we should let him work through it on his own until he asks us for help.” Castiel smiles at him before turning away to open the door. “I’ll be back after the movie. If anything happens, I’ll call.”

Sam still follows him out into the hallway, his pout not doing anything to stop him from hugging Castiel tightly. “If Dean were here, he’d make a joke about you taking protection along with you.”

“Again, not necessary.” He fights back a laugh and waves as he heads down towards the elevators. “I’ll see you later.”

“Have fun, Cas!” Sam waves enthusiastically. “Make sure to text me and Jess all the details if anything _exciting_ happens!”

Doubtful, but he nods nonetheless.

Castiel is just getting out into the lobby when his phone chimes. Thinking that it might be Meg demanding to know where he is, he ignores it. He’ll apologize for taking so long when he gets in the car. It chimes again when he’s at the front doors, but by then he can see her waiting in her car and looking at her phone. She glances up and immediately puts the phone away.

“Hey, Clarence.” Meg flashes his a smile as he lets himself into her car. “Are you ready for a night of wild times and tons of fun?”

“That depends on whether or not you mean that we’re deviating from the plans that Gabriel made for us.” He hopes they’re not doing anything else. He doesn’t plan to be out much later than after the movie ends. “We have a reservation for 8:30pm and the movie starts at 10:30pm.” And it’s already eight o’clock. If they don’t get going soon, they’re going to be late.

She rolls her eyes and reaches over to tap his chest. “Just buckle up and let me take care of everything tonight, okay?”

Why does that sentence terrify him somewhat?

*

They walk out of the movie shortly after midnight and Castiel feels somewhat traumatized. “I was not made aware of the fact that Gabriel booked us tickets for a _horror_ movie.” The tickets had been given directly to Meg and Castiel hadn’t even been privy to the name of it, likely because he usually has no care for what kind of movie he watches.

“I was surprised by the choice too.” She laughs and loops her arm through Castiel’s, leaning into his side. “I bet he picked it hoping that I would get scared and grab on to you just like this. It’s basically movie date cliché number two.”

What is this about clichés about going to the movies? Castiel has never heard of that before. “What is number one?”

She shrugs and laughs. “Pretending to stretch to put your arms around your date’s shoulders.” Her elbow catches him in the side. “Which you could have done to me any time, y’know.”

“My apologies.” Even if he had known about the cliché, he wouldn’t have done it. Now, if he had been there with _Dean_ , well, that would be an entirely different situation.

On the bright side, Castiel has actually had a very nice evening – horror movie aside. They had quite a nice chat between them while they ate a multiple course dinner. Which reminds him, he needs to have a word with Gabriel about the _fanciness_ of the restaurant. Castiel was not at all dressed for such a place and he certainly couldn’t afford the prices there. If Gabriel hadn’t already paid the bill, he would have had to dip into his savings to pay for the meal.

“You fancy going for a late night drive, Clarence?” Meg poses the question as they’re getting into the car. “I know a spot that gives you a _great_ view of the ocean.”

Castiel pulls his phone out to check the time. He’s surprised to find that there are two messages from Dean that he hasn’t looked at yet. According to the time stamp, they’ve been there since roughly when he left the apartm – Oh! Those weren’t messages from Meg at all. They were from _Dean_. An ache builds in his chest when he realizes that Dean had been upset all day, only to have his messages go completely ignored for a whole… _Four_ hours? Has it really been that long already?

“I’m afraid I’m going to have to decline on extending our date any further.” He doesn’t even bother to look up from his phone while he opens Dean’s messages. “If I recall, you have to work in the morning and I’d hate to be the reason to keep you from getting a full night’s sleep.”

Dean’s first message reads; **_Watch out for Meg she can get handsy so watch ur back don’t let her do anything ur not comfortable with ok_**

“Aw, c’mon, Clarence. It’ll be _fun_.” She starts the car and reaches over to place a hand on his knee. “Don’t you wanna see the sights?”

Well, that particularly warning certainly came at the right time. Without hesitation, Castiel lowers his phone and removes her hand. “I’d just rather go home, thank you.”

Meg turns a pout on him but Castiel only looks back down at his phone to read the second message. **_If u wanna bail early me and the Impala are at ur beck and call_**

Does this mean that Dean _isn’t_ angry with him? If he was, he wouldn’t have offered such a thing, right? That lifts the weight from Castiel’s shoulders slightly. Of course he’s still worried as to why Dean was so upset, and why he’s been off this week, but it feels good to know that it’s not because of him. Hopefully Dean’s mood will have brightened by the time he gets home. If Dean is still awake, maybe they could fit in another movie. Or perhaps Sam might have left to spend the night at Jess’s and Castiel will be able to spend the night sharing Dean’s bed again. Now _that_ would be a perfect way to end tonight.

Once they’ve pulled out of their parking spot, Castiel puts his phone away. He might not be interested in dating Meg, but he’s not going to be rude enough to spend the end of their date on his phone. Since those messages are so old, he’ll just give Dean his thanks for them in person. As long as Meg actually takes him home, they should arrive in twenty minutes or so.

After a few minutes of silence, Meg sighs and slumps back in her chair. “Let me guess, Dean-o texted you during the movie?” There’s a certain sense of _defeat_ to her voice that Castiel can’t quite place. Is she upset that a friend and roommate texted him?

“Before I even left the apartment building, apparently. I didn’t read them until now.” He leans back in his seat and tilts his head back with a sigh, all his earlier confusions about Dean’s mood coming back with a vengeance. “Sam and I have been worried about him all week. He’s been acting strangely more and more the later in the week it got, and today he was mad at something that neither one of us knows what. It’s been bothering me ever since.”

Meg suddenly sits up sharply. She stares out the windshield for a moment before a slow smile spreads across her lips. “Oh, _really_?”

The tone of her voice causes Castiel to glance at her. Does she know why? If she does, she makes no move to share it. Instead, Meg turns on the radio and starts to hum along to the first song that plays. She even drums her fingers on the steering wheel.

It’s only once the song is over does she say anything again. “You two are pretty close, aren’t’cha? I know you two met through the café while you were still in high school, and that you’re friends with Dean-o’s kid brother, but you two still became _close_ friends, huh?”

“I would like to think so, yes.” He nods and looks away, but continues to check on her from the corner of his eye. There’s something about the inflection in her words that leads him to believe she’s speaking about more than she’s letting on. “Why do you ask?”

“Just wondering.” She shrugs and throws him a smile. “I even heard from a sugar loving little birdie that daddy dearest flipped his expensive wig when he met your _close friend_.”

Castiel’s hands curl into fists against his thighs. He’s going to have to have strong words with Gabriel about what are and are _not_ appropriate conversation topics for the workplace. “My father doesn’t wear a wig and he certainly didn’t _flip_ it in front of my friends.”

“Only afterwards, right?”

He presses his lips into a thin line before nodding. “He was less than impressed.” Since she apparently knows _everything_ already, then it makes no difference if he confirms or denies anything right now. “And insisted that I move out and find a better caliber of people.”

“But now you’ve flipped your old man the bird and you’re sticking with the Winchesters, huh?” Meg glances at him again, and this time her eyes are calculating. “Basically picked Dean over your parents.”

“No, I didn’t do that.” Castiel shakes his head and opts to look out the window than at her. “I decided not to allow my father to push me around anymore. I wanted to live my own life without him trying to control every aspect of it. And my mother and I still get along as well as ever, thank you.”

Meg just hums and taps at the wheel again. When she doesn’t say anything for a few minutes, Castiel assumes that the conversation is over. Oh, how he wishes he was right.

When they pull up to a stop light, Meg clears her throat again and turns a bright smile at him. “Hey, can you clear something up for me?”

Now he’s immediately suspicious. “Like what?”

“How exactly did you and Dean-o become so chummy?” She tilts her head and looks him up and down. “I know you’re friends with little Sammy-boy, so was it through him?”

“No, Dean befriended me first.” Castiel honestly doesn’t know what she’s trying to get out of this. “Originally he assumed I was one of the teachers at the school and he gave me his phone number. Only afterwards did he realize I was a student and –”

Meg holds up her hand sharply. “Hold the phone there, Clarence. You’re saying Dean _hit on you_?”

“Yes?”

“So, if I got this straight, he totally has the hots for you!”

Technically, yes, Dean seems to be very _physically_ attracted to him. However that’s not a piece of information he’ll even remotely hint towards. “ _Had_. He _had_ the hots for me. Those feelings went away when he realized I was Sam’s age.”

“Are you _sure_?” She reaches over and pats Castiel on the knee again. “Speaking from experience here, you’re mighty hard to resist, Clarence. I pity poor ol’ Dean-o. He’s  subjected to your _allure_ all day every day at home.”

He brushes her hand away and fixes her with an entirely too displeased frown. “I don’t know what you’re trying to get at with all of this, but I can assure you that Dean holds no further feelings for me beyond _friendship_ and I am the same.”

Meg’s lips curl up into a wicked smile. “Really? Because I’m pretty sure that you said Dean’s been acting off all week and it’s been building up into being flat out _pissed off_ today, of all days.”

“Yes, that is what I said.” He narrows his eyes at her, still not understanding her point.

Sighing, she shakes her head and pins him with a flat stare. The kind he’s used to receiving from Gabriel when he’s trying to say something obvious but Castiel is just not getting it. He hates that kind of stare with a passion.

“Since you’re such a good _friend_ of his, I’m sure you’d know just how prone our dear Dean is to being _jealous_. Right?”

Castiel frowns, both at her and at the sudden tightness pulling at his ribs. “Jealous?”

He’s never seen Dean be _jealous_ before. And what would he even have to be jealous about? Or who would he be jealous of? The only difference between this week and the last is that Castiel and Meg went out for a so-called _date_. Dean couldn’t possibly be jealous about _that_ … could he? If he is, then the question becomes whether he’s jealous of Castiel for going out with Meg, or if he’s jealous of Meg for going out with Castiel. Has he always harbored some manner of feelings for Meg since he worked with her? Is it possible that Dean wishes he were in her place and going out with –

No. He won’t allow his thoughts to take that path. It’s a truly ridiculous notion and Castiel puts it out of his thoughts before he can dwell on it any further. He turns from Meg and very pointedly looks out the side window, refusing to give her any more of his attention. That’s easy enough to do since Meg doesn’t elaborate on her suggestion either.

The rest of the drive is done in relative silence with the only other topic between them being work. When they finally come to a stop in front of the building, Castiel is quick to get out. If he takes his time, who knows what Meg might try to do – or try to _say_. She’s put enough ideas in his head tonight and he doesn’t want to see her again until their next shift together. He wants to trust her not to try something as silly as kissing him, but after some of the things she’s said and done tonight, he’s honestly not sure if she will or won’t.

“Thank you for the lovely night, Meg. I’ll see you at work later.” He’s already getting out of the car when he realizes that so is she. “What are you doing?”

“Making sure you get to the apartment safely.” She graces him with a serene kind of smile as she comes around to the other side of the car. “Your brother would have my head if I let anything happen to you.”

Castiel holds up his hands to stop her in place. “That’s really not necessary, Meg. Nothing will happen to me inside and it’s just a short elevator ride to my floor. I’ll be fine.”

“Nonsense, Clarence.” Meg grabs his hand and turns to pull him along after her. “It’s common practice that one of the date-ees gets walked to the door. And since I’m the one who did the driving, I’d be a terrible date if I didn’t see you to your front step.”

“Then to the doors of the building will be just fine.”

Of course Meg doesn’t listen to him at all. She all but bodily drags Castiel into the building and to the elevators. Is she expecting to get invited inside? Because even if he lived alone, he still wouldn’t make that kind of offer. Even Castiel knows what kind of implications are involved with that and it’s impossible to fathom how much he _does not want that_.

Which is why, when they’re alone in the elevator without any chance of someone overhearing them, he pulls his hand free and turns to her. “Meg, I feel that I need to be clear with you.”

“Clear how?” She blinks at him, opening her eyes extra wide to appear innocent.

“I am not interested in another date.” If that isn’t to the point enough for her, then he honestly doesn’t know what is. “I had a good time with you tonight, but it’s not fair of me to let you believe that there is the possibility of anything more happening here.”

Meg puts a hand to her heart and gives him a look that could only be wounded. “Please, Clarence. I’m only doing this to _help_ you.”

“Help me?” He tilts his head as his eyebrows come together in confusion. What could she possibly be _helping_ him with?

The elevator doors whoosh open and suddenly Meg is all smiles again. “Don’t work, Clarence. I’ve got things under control.”

“ _What_ things?” Now he’s just flat out confused and he would like some explanation before anything else happens that catches him off guard.

Instead of answering, Meg simply grabs him by the hand again and pulls him out into the hallway. “Lead on to your apartment, my good sir.”

“It’s the last one at the end of the hallway.” He gestures in the right direction and Meg immediately starts pulling him towards it. “Meg, please tell me what is going on.”

She shakes her head, sending her black curls bouncing. “Not on your life, Clarence. It would ruin the magic if I divulged cult secrets.”

When they reach the door, Meg pulls him around to stand in front of it. She straightens the arms of his shirt for him as she lifts her head and smiles. “Remember. I’m doing this to _help_ you.”

Before Castiel can question her again, Meg moves forward to wrap her arms around his shoulders. On instinct, he steps away from her and bumps right into the door. His hands come up immediately to grab her shoulders and keep her from leaning in any further. He won’t do anything to hurt her, but he most definitely will not allow her to _kiss_ him.

“What are you _doing_?” He hisses, trying to keep his voice down. “Dean and Sam could be sleeping and you might disturb the neighbours if you cause a scene here.”

Meg makes no effort to lower her voice. “Oh yeah, baby, let’s wake up the whole damn _building_.”

“I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about. Please let –” The last of Castiel’s sentence is lost in a gasp of surprise as the door is suddenly very much not against his back anymore.

The panic of falling hits him sharply and Castiel stumbles back a few steps. He doesn’t let go of Meg’s shoulders – trying valiantly to shove her away so she doesn’t fall with him if he can’t regain his balance. But she’s holding on tight and leaning so much into him that it’s sending them both crashing right into another unmoving object that is most assuredly not the floor.

It takes him a second to realize that it’s another person and he immediately straightens up. By then, he’s not sure if he’s hoping that it’s Dean behind him or hoping that it’s Sam. If Dean sees him kissing someone (or in this case, someone trying to kiss _him_ ), it might destroy what little hope Castiel has cultivated for them to be a – well – _them_.

“Dean-o!” Meg tilts her head to grin up at the person behind him and Castiel’s heart sinks to his shoes. “You’re up late!”

The heat against Castiel’s back disappears as Dean takes a step back. “Thought someone was knocking.” His voice is flat and hard, and it sends a chill down Castiel’s spine to hear it. “Sorry to interrupt.”

He’s already walking away to his bedroom when Castiel glances behind him. The rigid line of Dean’s shoulders and the balled fists at his side sends concern to knit itself tightly between Castiel’s ribs. It seems in his time away that Dean’s mood hasn’t improved any. In fact, it might be _worse_ now that he’s seen – seen whatever it is that Meg is trying to do.

“Dean, wait!” The desperate need to explain this situation away starts clawing at the base of his throat. Castiel tries to turn to go after him, but Meg’s arms are steadfastly locked around his shoulders. “Meg, please let go. I need to –”

“But I want my goodnight kiss.”

Castiel watches, defeated, as Dean closes his bedroom door. On the bright side, he didn’t slam it. So either he’s not _that_ mad, or it’s an invitation for Castiel to come in after Meg is gone, or he did it out of consideration for Sam (or the neighbours, if he’s not home). Regardless, there is only one route he sees open to him and it starts with getting rid of the coworker currently trying to turn herself into a necklace for him. And they say _he_ has problems with personal space.

“I’m sorry, Meg, but I’m not interested.” He keeps his voice to a whisper, just in case Sam really is here and trying to sleep. “It was unnecessary for you to walk me to my door.” Castiel pries her arms off and ducks out from under them. “I had a nice evening with you, but I don’t –”

Meg’s laugh cuts him up and she flaps her hand between them. “Don’t worry about it, Clarence.” She reaches up to pat him on the cheek. “You can’t fault a girl for trying, can you?”

At this point, he honestly isn’t sure if he can or can’t. But that’s not something he wants to dwell on right now. His priority is with Dean and he needs her _gone_ for him to go deal with that. “Thank you for tonight. I’ll see you at work later.”

Just as he’s ushering her out the door, Meg turns around and grabs him by the front of the shirt. She yanks him forward and Castiel is almost certain that she’s going to kiss him. Instead, she leans in until her lips are next to his ear and whispers so softly that he almost doesn’t hear her. “Good luck, Clarence.”

With that, she turns on her heel and walks off down the hall with a goodbye thrown over her shoulder. Castiel stands there in silence for a second, one hand covering his ear. It takes him that moment to remember his manners. “Goodbye, Meg.”

Good luck? Good luck for _what_? For his talk to Dean? How could she possibly know that he was about to go and start – Actually, no. Castiel doesn’t want to know. Meg is a walking enigma to him right now and he just doesn’t have the time to stand here and try to figure out what she meant. If it’s still bugging him later, he’ll ask her about it the next time they work together. For now, his focus needs to be on Dean.

Castiel shuts the door and locks it. He straightens his shirt, squares his shoulders, and gathers every shred of courage he has in preparation for this conversation. Honestly, he has no idea how this is going to go, but he’ll be satisfied as long as he manages to tell Dean that nothing happened between them and that he has no plans to ever go on another date with Meg.

Something shiny on the living room table catches his eye and Castiel spares a glance at it as he heads to Dean’s bedroom. There’s a six pack of beer sitting next to the remote. Three of them have been opened and, if he knows Dean, are probably empty. Well, isn’t _that_ just fantastic? As if Dean’s mood wasn’t bad enough already, he’s also been drinking. Three beers isn’t enough to get him drunk, but depending on how empty his stomach was, he might be buzzed.

He hesitates outside Dean’s door, wondering if perhaps he should put this off until tomorrow morning. After a moment’s deliberation, Castiel decides against that. If he doesn’t do this now, Dean is going to spend the night upset and he just can’t sit idly by and let that happen.

After taking a deep breath to calm himself, Castiel knocks softly on the door. It swings open a couple inches and he steps into that space. “Dean? May I speak with you?”

There’s a moment’s paused before Dean sighs. “Whatever.”

Castiel takes that to mean he has permission to enter the room and he pushes the door open more, taking a step inside. Dean is currently lying on top of the covers on his bed. His back is towards the door and he’s practically curled in on himself. It makes Castiel’s heart ache to see him like that. All he wants to do right now, in this very moment, is cross the room to press up against that back and hold Dean until the hard lines of his body relax.

First things first, there is one thing Castiel needs to confirm. “Is Sam home?” He can’t recall if his shoes were at the door or not.

“Yeah.” Again, Dean only gives him a one word answer. Short and sharp and _angry_.

To minimize the amount of noise, Castiel closes the door behind him. He doesn’t intend to stay for very long, considering Dean’s mood, but he just has one thing he _needs_ to get off his chest right now. “I –” Castiel pauses to clear his throat and drop his voice into a whisper. “Dean, I would just like to let you know that Meg and I –”

“I don’t care, Cas.” Dean cuts him off as he hunches his shoulders. “You do whatever the hell you want.”

Even though they’re just words, they still sting as if Castiel had been slapped with them. It leaves him speechless and all he can do is stare at Dean’s back. In all the time that they’ve known each other, Dean has never said something like that to him. Quite the opposite, actually. Dean has made it clear that he cares quite a bit about Castiel’s happiness and his life. If he didn’t care, then Castiel wouldn’t be living here or sleeping in a bed that Dean quite literally _made_ for him. If Dean didn’t care, Castiel wouldn’t be finally taking the classes for his dream career.

What could possibly be upsetting Dean so much that he would say something as hurtful as that? Is it like Sam said? Is it because of the anniversary of their parents’ death? Or is it something more? Castiel’s fingers curl against his thighs as Meg’s words from earlier come back to him. Is it possible that this is how Dean acts when he’s _jealous_? If so, then maybe – _maybe_ – he’ll be normal again if Castiel confirms that there’s absolutely nothing between him and Meg. It’s the only option open to him, since he can’t do anything about Dean’s parents.

He moves closer to the bed and takes a deep breath to try and let out the tension curling tight in the center of his throat. “I didn’t kiss her.” It doesn’t matter who Dean is jealous of in this scenario. That should be enough, right?

There’s a moment of silence that follows where Castiel thinks he sees Dean’s shoulders relax slightly. Or maybe it’s just his eyes playing tricks on him. It’s been a long day. Castiel is tired, confused, and hurt. Of course he would see things that aren’t there.

Dean’s next words only confirm that. “I don’t care.”

“You sound like you do.” Castiel wants to test the waters and find out whether or not this really is about Dean’s parents. Because if there’s one thing that he knows about Dean Winchester, it’s that he absolutely _does_ care. He cares about a lot of things and Castiel refuses to believe that he doesn’t care about anything right now.

When Dean rolls over to sit up, Castiel tries very hard not to regret saying anything. It’s rather difficult when he finds himself on the receiving end of the angriest glare he’s ever seen Dean give anyone. Which means it hurts all the more that _he’s_ the one getting it. “Fuck off, Cas.”

And again he uses hurtful words. They dig under Castiel’s skin to take root. “I don’t understand why you’re upset with me, Dean.” The words are out of him without realizing it, but he’s happy that they’re out. He can’t let Dean talk to him like this and his attitude is starting to get frustrating. “I’ve done nothing wrong.”

Dean stands up suddenly, forcing Castiel to take a step back from the bed so they’re not standing chest to chest. “I’m _not_ upset.”

If Dean has ever lied to him before, Castiel has never caught it. But _that_ is the most blatant lie he has ever said to him. Dean has never been this upset before. Not even when he and Lisa broke up, or even when they were fighting. Castiel was there for all of that and he knows for a fact that Dean took all of that in stride. He was frustrated, maybe a little sad, but he certainly wasn’t like _this_.

An idea occurs to him then and suddenly all of Castiel’s growing anger disappears. If this was about his parents, Dean would have likely told him about that by now. Sam seemed to have no problem telling him, and they don’t have nearly as close a relationship as Castiel shares with Dean. Following that line of thought, then Dean could very well be – as Meg put it – _jealous_. Unfortunately, Castiel doesn’t know that for sure – _but_ he does have a way to confirm these suspicions.

“If you’re not upset, then you would have no objection to my going after Meg right now.”

There. That’s nice and to the point. If Dean objects, then he’s jealous. If he doesn’t, then he’s upset about something else entirely and Castiel is back to square one. In that case, he’s just going to point blank ask if this is about his parents. Castiel has no idea what he’s going to do if it _is_ about that, but at least he’ll actually be getting somewhere with this.

For a moment, Dean’s eyes go a fraction wider. His mouth opens, but nothing comes out. But then he licks his lips and leans in closer, his voice dropping into a dangerous register. “I don’t give a _fuck_ about what you do, Cas.”

That doesn’t answer any of Castiel’s question. No one has talked to him like this in recent memory and he has no desire to try and remember a time when someone has been so rude and mean to him. His frustrations with this interaction reach their boiling point and Castiel can feel himself shut down to the same extent as Dean is.

Clearly he was very wrong to think that he could have a talk with Dean and help him through whatever he’s going through. He also probably shouldn’t have decided to take a stab at Dean’s jealousy like that. Although he will readily accept the blame for that mistake, he will _not_ tolerate being talked to like this.

If Dean wants to be an angry asshole right now, then he can do it on his own. “ _Fine_.”

Despite everything that just occurred, Castiel doesn’t even make it to the door before Dean stops him. When he turns around, Dean is staring his hand with a confused frown, as if he doesn’t understand why he just did that. Whatever reason he might have, Castiel is done for tonight. He tried, he failed, and he’s more than willing to leave Dean to stew in his bad mood on his own.

“Let. Go.”

Instead of letting go, Dean steps forward and gives Castiel’s arm a squeeze. “Why’d you even go on the dumb date? Why couldn’t you just tell them that _we’re_ dating?”

Oh, so this _is_ about the date with Meg. If this had been a few short minutes ago, Castiel would have been over the moon to hear Dean say that. Even he can tell that only someone who was _jealous_ would say something like that. But the problem now is that he’s angry. Castiel has been hurt by Dean’s words. He gave him a chance to talk about things (though admittedly not in the best of ways) and Dean decided to be rude. Interactions between them are done for the night until they can both cool off.

Except for one thing. There’s one thing that needs to be cleared up right now and it’s the one topic that Castiel takes particularly to heart. He has to take another calming breath before he can say anything, otherwise he’s not sure if he’s going to be able to keep the bitter tone out of his words. “Because, in case you haven’t noticed, we _aren’t_ dating.”

Dean takes a deep breath of his own and he holds it for a few seconds. After letting it out slowly through his nose, he gives Castiel’s arm a short tug. “Well, you could have fucking _lied_ , Cas.”

No. Absolutely not. He will never lie about _that_.

Castiel turns to face Dean fully and steps in until their chests touch. He wants to make this one thing perfectly clear. “There are some things that I _won’t lie_ about, _Dean_.” If he ever gets the chance to say that he and Dean are dating – that they’re in a _romantic relationship_ – then he wants there to be nothing but truth behind those words.

Surprise flickers across Dean’s face for a second. In it, Castiel thinks he might have seen a flash of – is that hope? He doesn’t get much of a chance to think about it, or even to ask about it. In the next moment, Dean has all but _thrown_ him up against the wall. A grunt is forced out of him from the impact and then Dean is on him. The following kiss is rough and unexpected, and it shoves Castiel’s back against the wall hard enough that little stars dance behind his eyes.

Why in the world, after everything that was just said and done between them, would Dean be _kissing_ him right now? Of all the things that could have happened, this is not one that Castiel considered a possibility. They’re both angry, with each other or with themselves. This is the worst time for them to be kissing and Castiel isn’t sure if he wants to participate in it or not. He grabs handfuls of Dean’s shirt, reading to throw him back if he decides that this is a terrible idea and they should stop.

His frustrations build themselves to a new level as a realization strikes him. Dean only kissed him after he said he didn’t want to lie. Is he doing this because he doesn’t want it to be a lie either? If so, why doesn’t he just _say_ that? Why does he have to be – to be like – like _this_? Like this with the kisses that only feel painful, both on the inside and out. If Dean wants to date him, if he wants to have a relationship with him that extends beyond sex, why is he holding himself back?

The questions swirl through Castiel’s mind. They clump together and pile themselves on top of every broken hope and ache in his heart that he’s had because he _wants_ this frustrating man. But the problem right now is that Castiel is only human. He’s human and he can only take so much before the levee breaks. While he might have considerable patience where his feelings for Dean are concerned, even Castiel has his limits. And tonight, that limit is surpassed.

If Dean wants to kiss, then fine. Castiel will kiss him. Just like always, Castiel will give him exactly what he wants, but he’s not going to be nice about it. If Dean wants him to stop, he’d better push him away and tell him to. Because right now, the last thing he’s going to do is _stop_. He’s going to push and shove and _take_. Every single frustration that he has is going to be unleashed on Dean right now. It’s a terrible idea but that seems to be what Dean wants, so sure. _Let’s do it_.

As soon as Castiel starts kissing him back, doing his best to match the intensity, Dean pulls his shirt free from his waistband. His hands are burning hot when they brushes over his sides and Castiel groans as nails rake his skin. It’s not painful, but it’s definitely surprising and it spurs him into further action. He suddenly has a need to divest Dean of his clothing and he sees no reason why they shouldn’t go ahead with that. There are probably a million and one reason _why_ they shouldn’t have sex tonight, but at this point there’s very little that Castiel cares about right now.

They break their kiss for the moment that it takes to remove both of Dean’s shirts. Once those are out of the way, Castiel surges forward to kiss him again. He catches his bottom lip between his teeth for a quick nip and Dean groans into it. His fingers hook in Castiel’s belt loops and tug him forward as he continues to stumble backwards towards the bed. Yes, that’s an excellent plan. Let them be physical and rough with each other and get their frustrations out that way, because it’s obvious that’s what Dean really wants. And apparently it’s the only thing he’s willing to allow between them.

The mattress squeaks as Dean falls onto it and Castiel crawls on after him. Good. Let it squeak. Let the bed be loud and bank against the wall and wake Sam up so he can hear what they’re doing and _know_. Then there would be no more secrets and they might actually be forced to talk about this _thing_ between them. It’s either that or everything they have just stops and they go back to being friends. And that’s only if their friendship survives this.

Given Dean’s attitude today, who even knows how things are going to turn out. Castiel should stop. No matter how angry he is or how frustrated he gets, is giving in to Dean’s desire right now really worth potentially losing everything when it’s over?

He’s about to pull away from the kiss and put an end to this night, but Dean’s fingers are in his hair and he pulls Castiel’s head back. His tongue runs up Castiel’s throat and he breathes a command into his skin. “ _Floor_.”

And that means that Dean still wants to go through with this. He knows Sam is home and he’s apparently stopped caring about whether or not Sam finds out. Otherwise, Dean would want to stop. Stealing a kiss or a touch throughout the week is one thing. Actually having _sex_ in the middle of the night with Sam in the other room is something else entirely. If he’s stopped caring about that rule, does that mean he’s stopped caring about the rest? Can Castiel leave his marks on him to claim Dean has his own?

That overwhelming urge spurs him to move. He drags Dean and the blanket from the edge of the bed, trying to make the transition to the floor as smooth as possible. It’s a little difficult, but he manages to get the blanket underneath them and counts that as a personal victory. Now that they’re on the floor, Castiel dedicates himself to getting Dean’s pants out of the way. He doesn’t give a damn about his own clothing, but he wants to feel every inch of Dean’s skin under his hands.

In all the many times that they’ve had intimate moments with each other, Castiel has never once just _ripped_ Dean’s clothing away. If he put any further effort into it, he doesn’t doubt that he’d actually rip the fabric itself. When Dean’s jeans prove stubborn and catch around his knees, Castiel grabs his ankles and lift his legs where he needs them to be so he can get them off. Once the jeans are off, he resist the urge to cover Dean’s legs in kisses.

Now that Dean is down to his underwear, his erection is painfully obvious. Is being rough like this really that arousing for him? Does he like to be manhandled like this? Well, if that’s what Dean likes, then that’s what Castiel can do. They might both be angry and taking that anger out on each other, but that doesn’t mean that this has to be _bad_. On the contrary, the frustration pumping through Castiel’s heart right now is inspiring much the same reaction in him. Or that could just be how trained his body has become to react to when he has Dean unclothed and near him.

A plan quickly unfolds in his mind. Castiel knows how much Dean enjoys when he’s naked too. What will he do if Castiel doesn’t undress at all? What if he stays clothed the entire time? That sounds like quite a fun experiment. And he hasn’t done anything fully clothed yet either.

Dean doesn’t say a word as Castiel undoes his belt and opens his pants. He watches every movement with lidded eyes, but never speaks up or makes a move to help. That irks him a little bit, but Castiel puts those thoughts aside in favour of grabbing Dean’s legs again and guiding them around his waist. It only takes a moment for Dean to understand the position and he crosses his ankles behind Castiel’s back.

It’s not much to start, but Castiel starts rocking his hips against the front of Dean’s boxers. He starts with that grind and leans over Dean to almost fold him in half. Castiel seeks out his wrists and drags them up to pin them on the floor by his head. At any other moment, he would marvel at how much he enjoys having Dean in this position. Right now, all he really cares about is getting Dean to orgasm and having this done with. He’s not enjoying it like he usually does and part of him almost wants to stop.

But he doesn’t. His body keeps moving, almost like it has a mind of his own. The only control Castiel has right now is when he dips his head to steal a nip to Dean’s bottom lip. Normally he’d be kissing Dean silly, but he ignores that feeling in favour of checking something off his bucket list. He’s done it once before, but it’s wasn’t enough. Castiel wants to leave a mark on Dean every time they touch. And tonight, since the rules are apparently out the window, he’ll do it.

Castiel leaves Dean’s lips to fix his teeth around one of Dean’s nipples. It’s not a hard bite, of course, but Dean still gasps loudly and arches his back. Excellent. That’s exactly the reaction that Castiel was hoping for. He takes his time with leaving a scattered trail of red marks across Dean’s chest by sucking and nipping his way from one nipple to the other. Castiel even deviates to placing a few along his collarbone, like an odd little necklace. The only favour he does for Dean is to leave them where they won’t show up when he wears a t-shirt.

When satisfied, Castiel finds other places to put his mouth. He laps at Dean’s pulse and nibbles at the shell of his ear. Everything makes Dean squirm and gasp and Castiel’s soaks in every reaction. There’s a certain heady knowledge to knowing that he can make Dean bite his bottom lip like this. He’s just struggling so hard not to moan out loud and Castiel is not making it easy on him. And of course Castiel is doing that entirely on purpose. He wants Dean to groan loud enough for the world to know what they’re doing – to know what they’ve _done_.

Since this isn’t achieving that goal, he obviously needs to up the ante.

It takes summoning the majority of his willpower to force himself to pull away. Dean turns a baleful glare on him as he gets to his feet and stands over him. Castiel opts to ignore that look and head to the bedside table. After getting the bottle of lube and a condom, he pauses. The floor is really not all that comfortable and it’s going to be painful on their knees or backs. That makes the decision for him and Castiel takes the two pillows from the bed to bring back with him.

One of them he places under his knees when he drops to them between Dean’s legs again. The other he shoves into Dean’s hands to distract him while he attacks his boxers. They need to be gone and _now_ for anything further to happen. Dean digs his heels into the floor and lifts his hips to help, and that’s just about the only helpful thing he’s done tonight.

“Get on your knees, Dean.” The command is in a loud whisper as he at least tries to _act_ like he’s being quiet enough not to bother Sam.

As always, Dean has to be difficult about that too. He glares at Castiel over the edge of the pillow for a few moments before actually listening. With a sneer, he turns onto his stomach. Dean puts the pillow under his knees too before he puts his ass in the air. It’s a glorious sight, but Castiel doesn’t feel like he can appreciate it as he usually would. Everything about right now feels too _off_ for it.

Not for the first time, he thinks that he should stop this. But again he doesn’t do anything as he flips open the cap on the lube slicks up his fingers. This is the only thing he’ll be gentle with. That’s a kind of torture in and of itself and he revels in it as he works Dean open slowly but surely. Dean does all that he can to make him do it harder and faster. He rocks back against Castiel’s fingers, his hands curling in the blankets and a frustrated growl rumbling in his throat.

Instead, Castiel sucks more marks across Dean’s back while he adds a second finger and start scissor them. He trails his mouth across his Dean’s hips and ass. Now _those_ he can appreciate. How long will they stay on Dean’s skin? Hopefully it will be long enough that his next partner will see them  and know that Dean was with someone else. There’s no doubt in Castiel’s mind right now that if they ever have sex again, It likely won’t be for a while. The animosity between them at the moment doesn’t feel like it’s going to be dissipating any time soon.

He’s adding the fourth finger when Dean covers his mouth with both hands to muffle a groan. Even covered like that, it’s rather loud and Castiel almost smiles as another idea comes to him. He wipes his hands clean on Dean’s discarded boxers before he pulls his tie off. Dean jerks back against him in surprise when Castiel learns over his back and puts the tie over his head.

“You’re going to wake Sam.” He hisses into his ear as he brings the band of his tie to rest against Dean’s lip. “Open your mouth, Dean.”

Although he does obey, Dean still throws a dark glare over his shoulder at him. Castiel ignores it and uses his teeth to help rip open the condom. With his other hand, he pushes his boxers down enough to uncover his erection. Only after he’s rolled the condom on does he look up at Dean to return his glare. He wants Dean to know that he’s not happy about any of this. Even when he confirms with him that he’s ready and doesn’t require more prep, Castiel doesn’t want him to think that this is going to be anything like how they normally have sex. He’s just not cable of it right now.

Dean stares at him for a moment before he nods and drops onto his elbows. He pulls the blanket up in his arms and hides his face in it. That’s as good permission as Castiel is going to get, but it also pulses anger through him. Even in this position Dean is closed off to him. Despite his arousal, he’s shut himself down and withdrawing. Castiel can feel everything they’ve built together over the last few months starting to crumble and he hates it. He hates it and he blames himself for being too much of a coward to say something about it.

The blanket and the tie muffle Dean’s drawn out groan as Castiel slides in. No matter how angry Castiel is, he wants to do this slow. He doesn’t want to _hurt_ Dean. Even if this turns rough and they fuck harder than they usually would, Castiel still wants to make sure that everything is comfortable for the both of them. The blood boiling in his veins wants otherwise, but he manages to control himself enough that at least it’s one long, slow slide into Dean. Usually he would do a bit at a time, but things are obviously too – too _something_ for them to take things slow.

At least once he’s fully seated, he can wait take a moment to breathe. There he can make Dean squirm and wait until they’re ready to take action again. But the moment his hips flush against Dean’s ass, Dean rocks forward and back as hard as he can. Does he not want to wait? Is he really okay with just going straight for it? Alright then. Hard and fast it is.

He leans forward, locking one hand on Dean’s hip and the other on his shoulder. Now he has a good grip for pulling Dean right back onto every thrust. The position draws Dean back up onto his hand and he drops his head back. Every breath sounds magnified in the room. There’s nothing but their ragged breathing and the slap of skin on skin. The tie muffles any sound Dean makes as he scrabbles for a good hand hold on the blankets.

At any other time, this would be a sight to behold and Castiel would be enjoying himself immensely. Right now, it’s all Castiel can do to swallow against a sick burning sensation crawling up his throat. An orgasm is still building, but it doesn’t feel nearly as good as it usually does. It feels _tainted_ , making him feeling coming is one of the last things he wants to do right now. This whole thing is wrong and the regret builds every time he rocks right back into Dean. He should stop. He _needs_ to stop. But they’re so wrapped up in the middle of this that he _can’t_.

When Dean twists to reach back and push at his stomach, Castiel’s heart jumps in his chest. Does he feel the same too? He stops moving, but doesn’t pull out, waiting to see what Dean is going to do. As soon as he notices the way Dean shifts his weight on his knees, the realization strikes him. Castiel is somewhat disappointed that all he wants to do is get off his knees. This horrible moment isn’t over and Dean apparently still wants this.

Actually, that might help. With Dean on his back, Castiel will be able to see his face and his eyes. Of all the people in this world, Dean is one of the very few that he can read from those alone. He’ll be able to confirm if Dean is really enjoying this or not, or if he’s still angry, or _something_. It’s hard to describe just how much he wants to get any sort of direction now on where things are with them. Has this ruined everything for them? Are they still going to be friends? Will their arrangement still be in place or is this just an undesirable ending to it?

The questions burn his tongue as badly as the sick feeling in his throat does. But his jaw won’t work and he can’t force the questions out like he usually would. All he can do is move mechanically, because that’s what he’s been reduced to; moving on instinct to get Dean onto his side and then his back. There is no heart or mind involved in anything that has happened or will happen tonight and it _sickens_ him. This is the kind of sex he’s seen in the pornos he and Dean used to watch and he _never_ wanted to have anything like this. It’s the kind of sex that Castiel feared it would be like between them when he accepted their agreement.

Castiel leans forward over Dean the moment that he’s flat on his back. The desire to kiss him flares hot along his spine, but even that urge goes unanswered. Their eyes meet for a split second before Dean squeezes his shut as tightly as he can. The one bright point in all of this is how hard Dean grips his hand back when Castiel pins his hands by his head again and their fingers slide together. His teeth dig into the tie as Castiel starts thrusting again, and that’s the extent of their interaction. It doesn’t even look like Dean is enjoying what’s happening – it almost looks as though he’s in pain even though his body reacts and moves just as it always does.

An ache spirals through Castiel’s chest and he has to drop his head. His forehead rests against Dean’s collarbone and he closes his eyes too, if only to keep what he fears might be impending tears. The heat building in his belly is pulling tight and Castiel knows the end isn’t far off. He’s never dreaded or welcomed an orgasm so much before. Once they both come, this will finally be over – and he’s honestly not sure if that means the sex or everything their agreement entails, including their friendship.

When the orgasm eventually hits him, it’s barely a fraction of what Castiel usually feels with Dean. Gasps his way through it, but it’s weak and pathetic and _wrong_. At least he feels some measure of relief that he’s done. It gives him an excuse to sit back on his heels again and start stroking Dean until he comes too. Happily, that isn’t too far off. Dean comes across his own stomach as he arches off the blanket, a long groan rumbling around the tie between his teeth.

Castiel winces as Dean squeezes around him, but now they’re done. Now they can either walk away from this without a word or they can talk. He knows where his own feelings lie, hurt and shattered as they may be right now, but _Dean_ is the confusing one here. Everything points to him being jealous of Meg, but what was the point of all of this? Why would he want to have sex _now_ , when they were both angry and frustrated and tired with the day? Does he want there to be more between them or have they finally reached the point where it’s too much and they both need to take a step back?

The questions hang on the tip of his tongue as he leans over to ask them, but Dean doesn’t open his eyes. He legs have dropped to rest open on either side of Castiel and he’s sagged back to the blanket. His fingers curl into fist, bunching the blanket between them, and he’s shaking with how hard he’s breathing, but he’s _not opening his eyes_.

Like an unexpected roundhouse to the head, Castiel realizes what’s going on. Dean’s hiding from him and he’s doing it the only way available to him right now. By keeping his eyes closed, he’s shutting Castiel out even while he’s still inside him. It’s like a physical blow to his chest and Castiel pulls away. He knows when his presence isn’t wanted and he’ll take it elsewhere. Dean can calm down on his own and if he’s ever ready to talk about what the _hell_ just happened, then Castiel will be ready and waiting.

Maybe.

With fumbling fingers and shaking hands, he manages to get the condom off and redress himself. In that time frame, Dean manages to get the tie off without opening his eyes. After that, he doesn’t move at all. Castiel checks on him repeatedly while he tucks himself away and does up his pants properly. Dean’s eyes are still pinched together as Castiel gets his tie, but he doesn’t move. He doesn’t speak either. It’s just silence in the room, heavy like a physical weight on his shoulders.

The last straw – the one that sends Castiel out the door – is when Dean grabs the edge of the blanket and rolls over. He draws the blanket around him like a protective shell and puts his back to the door – to where Castiel is standing and waiting and hoping that the silence will be broken. Another flare of anger surges through him at the sight of Dean turning away from him. Why won’t he say anything? Why won’t he _do_ anything? What has him so scared that he can’t talk to _Castiel_?

All that anger building in him subsides quickly, leaving him feeling broken and empty. His ribs feel jagged, like they stab him every time they expand and contract. He huffs out a shuddering breath as he quickly returns to being on the verge of tears again.

Without a word said between them since the kiss, Castiel walks out of the room and closes the door behind him. For a moment, he hesitates with his hand still on the doorknob behind him. He stares at the floor and swallows against bile that stings the back of his throat. Now that he’s no longer in that room, the full weight of their actions – of _his_ actions – hits him.

What did he just _do_?

In an instant, his insides want to revolt against him. The urge to throw up builds and Castiel brings a hand to his mouth. He quickly heads to the bathroom and puts that door between him and Dean too. The room feels like it’s spinning and he braces himself against the vanity, hanging his head as he takes deep, shuddering breaths. Even if Sam is sleeping, he still turns the water on and fills his hands with it. Castiel washes his face and his hands and then his face again, trying to calm himself down without giving in to that queasy tide of disgust swirling in his stomach.

How could he allow himself to do that? Why did he go along with it? Why did Dean even _want_ it like that? Just – just flat out _why_?

The tears start to sting in the corners of his eyes. He presses his face into a towel, trying hard to keep them away. Not here. He can’t cry here. Dean might hear, and what is Castiel going to say if he investigates? What would he say if _Sam_ heard? Oh God, what if Sam _did_ hear what they did? He might have questions that Castiel doesn’t want to answer. No matter how badly he wants to tell somebody – _anybody­_ – how happy he’s been as Dean’s sexual partner over the last few months, he absolutely does not want to tell them about _this_.

The thought of going to bed right now and being on the other side of the wall from Dean feels impossible to him. He can’t stand the idea of it right now. This is the first time in his life that he can recall ever being so hurt and confused – and there have been _plenty_ of moments like that. So, what is he supposed to do now? Leave?

As soon as the idea is in his head, it becomes an itch under his skin. Castiel _needs_ to get out of this apartment. There’s no way that he’ll be able to stay here tonight. He can’t look at himself in the mirror and he can’t even think about looking at Dean. Not now, not in the morning, and maybe not ever again.

What are the chances that Castiel could just move out in the middle of the night without either of the Winchesters noticing? He’s already determined that Dean is probably never going to want to see him again anyways. Not after whatever it is that they just did. It’s just a matter of time now before he’s told to leave and Castiel is absolutely _terrified_ of it.

Oh God, he needs to get out of here. He needs to somewhere he can breathe. Somewhere he can think and – and he just needs to leave _right now_.

He stumbles out of the bathroom as quickly as he can and all but runs for the door. Castiel barely even takes the time to put his shoes back on before he’s out in the hall. But once he’s out with the door shut behind him, he stops. Now what? Are the buses even running this late? And if they were, where is he going to go? Castiel briefly considers calling Gabriel for a ride, but disregards that immediately. There’s no doubt in his mind that Gabriel would come to pick him up even this late at night.

However, the problem with that plan is in it’s very core. Gabriel would demand an explanation to know why Castiel needs the ride. He likely wouldn’t even put the car into drive without first knowing why his precious little brother (as he’s so fond of teasing) is upset. And if Castiel chooses not to tell him, Gabriel would likely blame Dean immediately anyways. In which case, he would probably storm the apartment to get the truth of the matter from the heart of the problem.

Aside from Gabriel, the only other option is to go for a walk and eventually end up back here. The longer he stands there, the better a walk sounds. In fact, that’s probably all that Castiel needs right now. A walk would clear his head and give him a chance to calm down. He’ll be able to actually _think_ and figure out what he can do to rectify this massive mistake they both made tonight.

With that decided, Castiel turns to lock the door. For all he knows, he might not be back any time soon. So it’s best to err on the side of caution. He would hate to mess up _twice_ tonight.

Without any specific plan of where he’s going to go, Castiel heads down to the street and starts walking. Right now, the best course of action seems to be to let his feet take him wherever they want to go. His only plan right now is to move.

So, that’s exactly what Castiel does. As soon as his feet are on the sidewalk, he starts walking. His eyes remained fixed on the sidewalk and he has his hands in his pockets, one firmly wrapped around his phone and keys, and the other around his wallet. After a few blocks and a hot breeze against his back the whole way, Castiel realizes that he’s still wearing Sam’s jacket. It makes him miss his trench coat. If he was wearing it right now, he’d have the familiar feel of it whipping against his legs while he walks.

Part of him wishes he could just run right now, but he doesn’t have the right clothing or shoes for that. And it would likely be suspicious for a young man to be running around like that in the middle of the night. It’s probably not very safe for him either and he decides against it. Instead, he lets the monotonous motion of walking lull him into an empty mind.

Maybe that’s the reason why he doesn’t realize where he is until he comes to a stop and looks around. It takes him a few moments to realize that he’s on campus and standing in front of Jess’s apartment building. That speaks wonders about campus security. Why hasn’t he been stopped yet? Didn’t he manage to infiltrate the campus without paying attention at the exact right moment between their security sweeps?

If so, his luck has certainly improved since – Castiel checks his watch. It’s after two o’clock now. Has he really been walking for over an hour? It’s only a matter of time before he gets caught for standing outside a campus apartment in the middle of the night. There shouldn’t be anyone out and about at this time of night. He should leave or – Actually, it makes sense that his feet would have carried him here.

Out of everyone that Castiel knows, Jess is the only person within a reasonable distance of his apartment with the Winchesters. It’s not like he made any friends in his pre-med classes. Sure, he talked to some people, but it’s not like he was close enough to anyone to ask to spend the night on their couch. No. Jess is on an entirely different level than everyone in his classes. She’s one of his best friends – someone that he cares for dearly and trusts implicitly. She’s someone that Castiel can turn to when things are rough and if right now isn’t that, then he doesn’t know what is.

Castiel digs his phone out of his pocket and wastes no time in hitting the speed dial for her number. Unsurprisingly, the first call rings until it goes to voicemail. At this time of the night, she’s probably sleeping. That alone should be enough to classify this as a terrible idea, but his brain can’t seem to get that message to his fingers. They don’t even hesitate before hitting redial and bringing the phone to his ear again.

The second call goes to voicemail again, but on the third Jess picks up. Her voice is rough and somewhat slurred with sleep. “Thought the first was a butt dial. Second thought you’d leave a voicemail. Third means this has gotta be serious so spill before I get angry and hang up.”

His heart stutters in his chest and the words stick in his throat. Castiel is left staring up at Jess’s building in silence, the line buzzing quietly between them. Why won’t the words come? It’s like when he was with Dean. They wouldn’t come then either.

“Cas?” Jess clears her throat and huffs, sounding less sleepy and more irritated. “Oh my God, if this really is a butt dial times three, I’m going to be _so mad_.”

Unbidden, a tear snakes down Castiel’s cheek and he sniffles loudly. He presses the heel of his free hand into his eye, trying to stop the tears. Why now? Why did they have to come _now_? The walk was supposed to prevent this from happening. He can’t do this – not here, not now.

Castiel swallows thickly and forces the words out, but it still sounds like he’s choking back a sob; his voice thick with everything unshed and unsaid. “Jess, I –”

She interrupts before he can get anything else out. “Cas? What’s wrong?” The only thing ringing her voice now is concern. “Did something happen? Are you okay?”

Even though she can’t see him, Castiel shakes his head. “Can you – Can I stay with you tonight?” This is such an imposition. Why is he making this outrageous request? “I’m sorry. I know this is short notice, but is –” He sniffles again, entirely against his will.

Jess’s voice gets serious. “Where are you, Castiel?”

He takes a sharp breath, unused to hearing his full name. “Outside?”

There’s a moment’s pauses where she must be translating what that means in her head. In the next instant, there’s the rustle of blankets being thrown back. “I’ll be right down. Don’t you dare go anywhere before I get there.”

The line goes dead and Castiel stares at his phone before putting it away. He rubs at his eyes as viciously as he can, trying to scrub away any hint of his tears. It’s probably not going to do a very good job, but he doesn’t want anyone to see him cry. In fact, he doesn’t want to cry about this at all. This isn’t something to cry over. And if he does cry, then Jess is going to be worried about him and he doesn’t want that at all  at least not more than what she already is.

All he needs right now is a place to rest for the night and think. It’s a place away from Dean. And once Castiel is done thinking, he’ll find some kind of way to make things go back to normal. At this point, he’ll even settle for just going back to being friends again. He doesn’t want to lose Dean from his life, but are their mistakes from tonight enough for that to happen?

When he looks up again, Jess is shuffling out of the building in her house coat and slippers. The coat nearly touches the ground and it has a fluffy bunny tail and ears. Dean got it for her once upon a time long before Castiel ever came along and he thinks that it’s absolutely adorable. Any time that he’s seen it in the past, it’s always brought a smile to Castiel’s lips. Sadly, right now it does nothing to brighten his mood. If she notices, she doesn’t say anything about it.

The moment she’s close enough, Jess pulls him into a tight hug. “I already talked to security at the front desk. She’s going to give you a free pass for the night, but that’s it.”

Castiel leans into her and leans forward to rest his head against her shoulder. “Thank you.” He has never been more thankful for having friends in his life.

Jess leaves her arm around his shoulders as she ushers him inside. The woman at the security desk glances up, but she doesn’t stop them as he’s led straight to the elevators. What kind of relationship must Jess have with the guard to be allowed to bring in a strange man so late in the night? While he does appreciate her kindness, aren’t there rules in place to prevent this kind of thing from happening? This only raises concerns for him, particularly because Jess’s safety is in question here.

They don’t say anything on the ride up to her floor, which Castiel is grateful for. He’s not sure if he’s ready to talk just yet. Jess doesn’t even ask questions once they’re in the apartment. By some miracle, Castiel even manages to maintain his composure long enough to be seated on the couch and handed a glass of water. After one sip, the rest ends up going warm in his hands as he stares at it. The lump in his throat won’t let anything go down.

Jess sits next to him in silence and rubs his back. It’s a gentle, reassuring gesture and Castiel feels part of his restraint crumble. His hand trembles slightly as he puts the cup down on the table. He folds forward to hide his face in his hands; taking deep breaths to cling to the scraps of his calm. The tears are an ever present threat but he refuses to cry. This is just like the saying Mother always uses; _ce qui est fait est fait_. What’s done is done. Or, in its more colloquially known idiom; _there’s no use in crying over spilled milk_.

A mistake was made tonight. It was an accident that will never be repeated again. But it’s an accident that Castiel needs to think about to figure out _why_ it happened in the first place. Once he’s done that, he’ll be able to move on from it. Once he can understand what was going through Dean’s head, then maybe this won’t hurt so much. Castiel has never _hated_ himself so much before. God, but he should never have had sex with Dean when they were both angry and confused and whatever it was that they were. It was a mistake and he regrets it fully.

At least Jess doesn’t ask any questions. She just continues to sit there and rub his back, waiting for when he’s ready to explain why he’s there. It takes a while, but he does eventually find his voice again. There’s one thing that needs to be addressed before he can talk to her about anything.

Castiel looks up and chokes out a quiet, somewhat embarrassed plea; “Don’t tell Sam that I’m here. Please don’t – Please.”

He’s just going to get mad and blame Dean, or he’ll blame Castiel for going getting swept up in tonight too. But there’s no one to _really_ blame, right? He and Dean both made mistakes tonight. They both did and said some stupid things. Castiel should never have goaded him to find out if he was jealous or not.

God, he wishes he could forget it all happened. No, he wishes he could go back in time and stop it from every happening in the first place. What they did was _wrong_. It was the absolutely last way he ever wanted to have sex with Dean and Castiel will be damned if he ever lets that happen again.

“Don’t worry.” Jess whispers and pulls him into a hug. “I’m not going to tell a soul. I promise.” Her hug last for a long while before she sits back again with all her many questions. “Do you want to talk about what happened? Is it something I can help with?” After a moment, her face darkens into a serious and utterly terrifying expression. “Was it something Meg did?”

He shakes his head quickly and looks away to stare at his hands in his lap. “No, it wasn’t her. It was –” Castiel hesitates. He doesn’t want Dean to get in trouble. “I fucked up.” And that’s not a term that he uses lightly.

Jess knows this and she sits back in surprise, eyes wide in the dark of her living room. She puts a hand on his shoulder and gives it a squeeze, a silent encouragement to continue when he’s ready. But Castiel hesitates. Should he tell her? Should he at least explain that he and Dean had a fight? Yes, Jess deserves that much from him for taking him in this late at night.

Castiel takes a deep breath and squeezes his hands together. “I had a fight with Dean.”

An understatement, to be sure. Fights with friends don’t usually leave one wondering if they’re never going to be friends again, right? It’s not like Castiel knows. He’s never had friends to fight with. What if losing Dean means he loses Jess and Sam too? At this point he’s already halfway convinced himself that by morning he’s going to be out a home too. Won’t Father just _love_ that?

“I see.” Jess’s tone belies nothing about her emotions, but she leans in and squeezes his shoulder again. “Are you going to be okay? I’m here for you if you want to talk about it.”

He shakes his head and shrugs slightly. “I don’t know.” Castiel blinks back the tears that just will _not_ go away. “I – I left and I –”

Oh God. He _left_ Dean lying on the floor on a blanket. Castiel left him cold and alone and uncared for. He was rough with Dean and demanding and – and he let more of his desires for Dean show tonight than he ever has before. What they did tonight was outside the boundaries of their carefully laid out agreement. It was sex, but it wasn’t _their_ sex. It was wrong and he feels sick to his stomach just thinking about it. And Dean? He left him alone in his room to deal with this on his own and that’s just as bad as what they did in the first place.

A tear slides down his nose and trips onto his hand. Castiel curls his fingers into fists and squeezes his eyes shut. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have bothered you this late.” He doesn’t want Jess to see him cry and he starts to stand. “I’ll –”

“Oh no you don’t.” His efforts are thwarted as Jess pulls him back to the couch. She wraps him in another hug, this one even tighter than the last. “Don’t you dare say that. I’m here for you if you need me and that means _always_.” Jess takes one of his hands and squeezes it tightly between here. “I want you to stay right where you are and calm down. I’m going to get you a pillow and a blanket, and then I’m going to write a letter for my roomies so they don’t freak out in the morning.”

When she’s on her feet, Castiel grabs the edge of her house coat to keep her from walking away. “You’re not going to tell anyone _why_ I’m here, are you?” Even though Jess doesn’t know the specifics, he still doesn’t want anyone else to know that he had a fight with Dean. That will drown him in a tide of questions that he doesn’t know how to answer – or want to answer, for that matter.

Honestly, he probably shouldn’t even be mentioning a fight in the first place. What if Dean gets upset that he’s sharing _anything_ about what happened tonight? It is a rather private thing – which is why he’s not giving any specifics. Jess doesn’t needs to know what they did or why. A fight happened, and that’s it. Besides, depending on how he and Dean interact over the next few days, it might be obvious enough on its own.

Jess smiles down at him and ruffles his hair. “This is just going to be between you and me.” She even winks at him and puts a finger to his lips. “I won’t even tell Dean that you were here. How does that sound, hm?”

It sounds wonderful and Castiel pulls her into a hug. He’s still sitting and it means his face ends up squished into her side. Please oh please let him be allowed to keep Jess and Sam as his friends even if everything falls apart with Dean. Castiel may have just ruined everything with his best friend and one of _the_ most important people in his life, but he doesn’t want to lose everyone else too.

“It’s going to be okay, Cas.” Jess whispers softly and strokes his hair. “Everybody fights, even me and Sam. You two are really great together and you’re going to get past this too.”

“I hope so.” He’s not sure she can hear him when he’s speaking directly into her fluffy bunny house coat, but he does it anyways.

Jess laughs softly and gently pries him off of her. “Would you like some Celestial Seasonings Tension Tamer Tea? It comes highly reviewed by Coco Peru.”

“I have no idea who that is.”

She smiles and pats him on the head. “I know, sweetie, I know. Now, do you want me to bring you some of my pajamas too?  They’ll probably be a tight fit on you, but they’d be more comfortable than those jeans you’re wearing.”

Castiel sits back on the couch and shakes his head. “I’ll make do, thank you.” He doubts that he’s going to get any sleep tonight anyways. Despite that, he tries to smile up at her. “You’ve already helped wonders, but I think I just need to sleep right now.”

Jess nods and leaves the room for a few minutes. When she returns, it’s with a pillow and a blanket that she put down next to him. She leans down and presses a kiss to his forehead. “You give me a call if you need anything, okay? If it’s to talk or just to have someone sit beside you, I want to know.” Jess even cups his face to make him look up at her. “If you need a cuddle, you come join me. Sam will understand and I’ll break your wrist if you try to cop a feel.”

Does she even know him at all? Castiel wants to smile and find some amusement in her joke, but laughter feels so far away from him right now. All he can bring himself to do right now is nod and lean into the comforting touch. Jess kisses him on the forehead once more before she heads back to her bedroom, leaving Castiel alone in the dark living room.

He doesn’t move for a while; just sitting there counting every breath. Despite that, another sniffle strikes him and the burn in his eyes gets worse. It looks like he can’t put it off for any longer and Castiel grabs pulls the pillow to his chest. He hides his face against it and sniffles loudly again. The first few tears feel too hot and he slumps sideways on the couch, bringing his legs up onto the cushions.

It’s been years since he cried himself to sleep. The last time would have been back in boarding school. But tonight is different. Tonight he curls up on a strange couch, hides his face in a pillow that isn’t his own, and breaks that streak because he messed up tonight in more ways than he can count.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:
> 
> \- gagging  
> \- anal fingering  
> \- anal sex  
> \- bottom!Dean  
> \- rough sex


	32. Chapter 32

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Y’don’t think I _tried_?” Dean hisses and jerks his hands free from Castiel’s grasp. There’s anger in his eyes as he leans over him. “I can’t get you out of m’fucking _mind_ , Cas.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for chapter.
> 
> This chapter takes place before and during [Chapter 14](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4959747) of the _A Little Patience_ story line.

Castiel wakes up face down in the pillow with one foot hanging off the couch. It takes him a minute to remember where he is, exactly. For that one blessed moment, he doesn’t remember what happened last night – and then it all comes crashing back to him. He groans and tries to burrow deeper into the pillow in an attempt to escape the memories and the questions they bring with them.

Is Dean still alone in his room? Is he too sore to go to work? Oh God, he _works_ today. Now they doubly shouldn’t have done that. Triply, even, and Castiel is even doubtful that ‘triply’ is even a real word. Under no circumstances should he have allowed last night to happen. It was wrong and that sick feeling is building at the back of his throat again.

When gentle fingers brush through his hair, Castiel wants to believe that it’s Dean. He knows that it’s not, but it would be nice if it was. Then they could sit and talk and work out _why_ last night happened. They could figure everything out and decide once and for all if their arrangement should even continue.

“Hey, sleepy head.” Jess hums softly and keeps running her hand through his hair. “I know you’re awake. You want anything to eat?”

The thought of trying to get anything past the lump in his throat is abhorrent to him and Castiel shakes his head. He does, however, push himself upright she he can share the couch with her again. Jess sits next to him and, without a word, wraps an arm around his shoulder. Castiel leans into her with a sigh. If he could, he’d much rather go back to sleep and never wake up again.

“I guess you still don’t want to talk about it, hm?” Jess asks softly as she gives his shoulders a slight rub.

Oh God, absolutely not. No one can ever know what happened last night. Even _he_ doesn’t want to remember. Castiel shakes his head in answer, hoping that she won’t press for anything. He owes her _something_ for allowing him to stay on her couch for the night, but he really can’t give her anything else.

“It’s okay, sweetie.” She presses a kiss to his temple. “I’m here if you want to talk, but I should probably tell you that Sam texted me last night.”

Castiel sits up quickly, giving her what is undoubtedly a horrified look. “When? About _what_?” Did Sam hear anything? He remembers gagging Dean to try and keep him quiet so they wouldn’t disturb Sam, but everything had still seemed so _loud_ to him last night.

“He thought he heard a scuffle or something in Dean’s room.” She shrugs, but her eyes never leave his. They’re soft and serious. “He heard voices and thought you two might have a fight. Sam was really worried when he heard you leave but didn’t hear you come back.”

Oh no. “What did you tell him?” It feels like Castiel’s heart has crawled up into his throat. It’s beating violently and making his vision swim. Jess promised she wouldn’t tell Sam anything. She _promised_.

“Nothing.” A soft smile spread on her lips and she reaches up to pat him on the cheek. “I told him that you’re a big boy and we all know that you are more than capable of taking care of yourself. And I said if he was worried then he should have given you a call or sent you a text.”

His phone! Damn, Castiel completely forgot all about it after his phone call with Jess last night. What if Dean texted or called him? Or what if he missed a phone call from work? He could have missed any number of things after he turned the vibrate on so it wouldn’t ring and disturb Jess’s roommates.

Castiel scrambles to find it in the pocket of his borrowed coat. His fingers fumble to slide across the screen and open it properly. There are plenty of missed calls and messages showing, but he can’t see the names or the content until his phone is unlocked. At this point, his mood is as such that he doesn’t even care if Jess sees him type in the pass code – and it takes him two tries to get it right anyways.

None of the messages or calls are from Dean and Castiel’s shoulders slump slightly at that discovered. There’s one voicemail from Crowley, but everything else is from Sam. Castiel will have to call Crowley back later – after he’s gone home to shower and change. He’ll explain that he left his phone at home while he went for a run or that he forgot it on silent or any number of things. Crowley can’t get mad at him since he wasn’t scheduled for today.

First and foremost, Castiel should answer Sam’s messages. Both read as though they’re filled with concern. He can fill Sam’s worry in them and it’s a heavy weight on his chest that one of his best friends is feeling like that. It’s nothing compared to how he feels over what Dean might be feeling right now, but everything is compounding and it feels _terrible_.

He quickly types out a message to Sam to let him know that he’s alive, in a safe place, and he’ll be back as soon s he can. Once the messages are sent, Castiel has barely put his phone down before it’s buzzing with a call. Sam’s name and his display picture fill the screen.

Jess leans over to look at the phone. “See? Told you he was worried.” Before Castiel can stop her, she’s reached down and answered the call. Without a word, she sits back and brings a finger to her lips. Jess even has the gall to wink at him for this.

Castiel brings the phone to his ear and throws a weak glare at her. “Hello, Sam.”

A loud sigh of relief makes the phone line crackle with static. “Cas! I thought you were dead!” He sighs again. “Dude, what the hell happened last night?”

The words get stuck in Castiel's throat. Part of him wants to tell Sam everything, but the rest of him knows that Dean would probably hate him for it. All he can get out is two words; "Nothing good."

"Did you and Dean fight?" Sam's voice is thick with worry and it makes Castiel's chest hurt to hear it. "I heard you guys scuffling in there and someone left. You weren't in bed when I checked and you never came back."

"I went for a walk." It surprises him that his voice can be so calm considering his insides feel like he's caught up in a hurricane. "And I decided to spend the night at a friend's house to clear my head."

Sam breathes a loud sigh of relief. "I thought maybe you got hit by a car or something since you weren't answering your phone." There's a whumph of sound in the background and Castiel can't decide what it might be. Perhaps Sam sat down?

"My apologies for worrying you. That was never my intention." If he could reach through the phone and hug him, he absolutely would right now. Castiel already feels terrible for what he did to Dean, but he still feels horribly for making Sam worry too.

"It's okay, it's okay." Sam sighs again. "I probably wouldn't be so worried if it wasn't that dean – well, he won't open his door and he told me to fuck off when I tried to check on him."

Castiel's heart twists and he has to refrain from putting a hand to his chest. He squeezes his eyes shut tightly and takes a deep breath. "You haven't seen him yet today?"

"Not yet." Frustration starts to fill Sam's voice. "And I've gotta get going for work soon and I have no idea if he’s going to come out of his room before then, y’know? If you guys had a fight, I don't want to ask you to check on him when you come home, but – if he's still locked up in there, could you – I dunno. Just, keep an eye on him?"

He would love to, but he's not sure if he's ever going to be able to bring himself to leave Jess's couch. "Does that mean he's not going to work?"

"His shift isn't for another few hours yet." Sam sighs again and there's a rustling noise on the other end of the line. "I'm going to text Bobby and make sure that he keeps an eye on Dean. I want him to let me know if he's actually going to be going to the garage today or not. I’ll text you what I find out.”

Castiel rubs a hand over his face. His day has barely started and he can already tell that it’s just going to go from bad to worse. “Thank you. When I go home, I’ll let you know if he’s still there.”

“Thanks, Cas.” After a pause, Sam clears his throat. “Did you – I mean, did you guys really fight? All I heard was scuffling, so I dunno what really happened. I just want to know that you guys are okay and not, like, hurt or something.”

Physically, no. Emotionally? Castiel feels like he’s never going to recover. He shakes his head and leans back on the couch to stare at the ceiling. “Yes, we fought but it – it was more verbal than physical.” At least in the beginning it was. Now he’s just flat out lying and he hates doing that to his _friends_ , but he really has no other choice. He can’t risk the chance that Dean would never speak to him again if he told everyone what happened.

“When are you coming home?” Sam asks one of the few questions that Castiel doesn’t have an answer to. “I’ll tell Dean when you’ll be back and maybe he won’t be in such a bitchy mood by then. He’s usually better behaved when you’re around.”

That can’t be true. If anything, Castiel’s presence turns Dean into someone else entirely. He’s never seen Dean act like he did yesterday. It was a whole new and somewhat terrifying side to him. And it brought about a whole new line of questioning that Castiel can’t even begin to fathom, really. Dean was _jealous_ last night, and how in the world is Castiel supposed to take that when he knows for a fact that Dean quite obviously doesn’t want a relationship?

“I don’t know.” He sighs and tilts his head to glance at Jess, checking with her. “Whenever my friend kicks me out, I suppose.”

She smiles and brings both her hands up to star miming cutting food and eating it. Castiel rolls his eyes and she gives his shoulder a shove. “After breakfast, it seems.”

“That’s great.” Sam sighs again as Jess pats Castiel on the knee. “Tell your friend they’re awesome. And – I hope it’s not going to be weird for you to check on Dean when you get back? I mean, you don’t have to if it’s going to be weird for you.”

“It’s fine, Sam.” Castiel looks away from Jess to stare at the coffee table. “We’re going to have to see each other and talk again at some point. It’s best that we do it as soon as possible so any hard feelings about last night don’t fester.” It’s the logical thing to do, even if it’s the last thing he wants to do. “I’ll text you with what happens.”

The smile is audible in Sam’s words. “Thanks, Cas. I hope you guys manage to work things out.”

“Me too.” Words cannot even _begin_ to express just how badly he hopes that will happen. This silence between them, not knowing what’s going through Dean’s head, is absolutely killing him. “I’m going to go get cleaned up now, Sam. Please keep me posted.”

“Absolutely. You too, okay? If you need anything, text me or call me. I’ll keep my phone with me at work today.” Sam still sounds worried, but he also sounds very resigned. “I’ll talk to you later.”

When the call ends, Jess puts her arm around Castiel’s shoulder and pulls him into a hug. “I’m not going to ask details. I just want you two to make up soon.” She presses a kiss to his temple before getting to her feet. “Now go clean up and I’m going to get started on breakfast.”

Castiel lets her pull him to his feet too, but there’s no heart in anything he does. He doesn’t want to get ready, he doesn’t want to clean up; he doesn’t want to do a damn thing. All Castiel wants to do is go home, curl up in his bed, and never come out from under the blankets again. Actually, it would be even better if he could curl up in _Dean’s_ bed and wait there for him. But that would mean going back into Dean’s bedroom and he’s really not sure if he’s capable of doing that anytime soon.

He’s still in the bathroom when his phone buzzes again. It’s a text message from Sam and Castiel’s ribs squeeze around his heart when he reads it. Dean has made an appearance, though it was brief. According to Sam, Dean was wrapped in his blanket and hobbled from his bedroom to the bathroom without so much as looking at Sam. And he definitely didn’t say anything. Although the wording makes Castiel’s stomach turn, at least Dean is up and moving around. That’s certainly something, isn’t it?

Throughout breakfast, Jess chats merrily about what her plans for the day are. Castiel is eternally grateful for it and her many attempts to take his mind off what happened last night. Of course it’s not actually helping at all, but he appreciates her efforts. He doesn’t contribute a whole lot to the conversation, but he nods along and picks at his food while she talks about the volunteer work she’ll need to do for her degree this year.

Another text messages come through halfway through breakfast as a heads up that Dean has left the building. He took off while Sam was in his bedroom making his bed. Sam texted him too, but Dean hasn’t responded yet and it’s getting increasingly likely that he won’t. In either case, Sam fully plans on sending Bobby after him.

Castiel’s only response is one quick message. **_Please let me know if you hear anything from Bobby._**

Jess puts a hand over his, covering his phone after he’s sent the message. “Don’t worry, Cas. Dean fights with all his friends from time to time. Everything is going to work out soon enough. Just give him some time. He thinks the world of you and he’ll come around eventually.”

One can only hope that would be the case. But even Jess’s kind words and encouraging hugs as she sees him back down to the street do nothing to bolster his mood. It still feels like the end of the world to him. Castiel is certain that nothing is going to be the same again once he returns to the apartment. Will it even still feel like home to him?

“Thank you for everything, Jess.” He gives her a tight hug on the sidewalk, loathe to let her go. Letting go means he has to go back to the apartment and has to face the reality of what happened last night, even if Dean isn’t home right now.

“Anytime, sweetie.” She squeezes him back just as hard. “If you ever need to couch surf, my roomies will understand. You’re always welcome here.”

That’s wonderful to hear, but he’s going to make sure never to abuse that offer. If things aren’t going to work out living with Dean anymore, then Castiel will just – he’ll find a way to make it work. There are other students at the university who are always looking for a roommate. The situation might not be as ideal as it is with the Winchesters, but it would be better than nothing. It’s not like he could live with Gabriel and Kali. They’re too far from the university _and_ they don’t have a spare bedroom.

Castiel’s walk home is spent wading through a swamp of worry. He can’t stop thinking about how he left Dean last night. Is his body alright? Having sex on the floor is hardly comfortable to start with. Castiel’s knees hurt and he had a pillow under them. Did Dean get any sleep at all? They were so _rough_ and not in the way they were when they used the rope. This was bad – this was _wrong_.

He’s halfway home when the realization strikes him. They’ve never had sex like _that_ before and Castiel just _left_ Dean lying on the floor when they were done. In the online forums he’s been reading through, they would say that he left Dean ‘ _used and abused_ ’ – even if the context of the situation doesn’t quite sum that up. Even though Dean was a very willing participant, would that make what they did be – would it fall under something like BDSM? Castiel doesn’t know for certain, but now he’s very concerned that Dean might be suffering something like sub drop. It’s a serious state of mind and with how Dean was acting this morning, according to Sam, that’s a very real possibility.

The apartment is silent and empty when Castiel gets home. Even though he knew Dean wouldn’t be here, it’s still like a physical blow. It leaves Castiel devastated in a way he finds difficult to describe. He spends far too long standing in the entrance to Dean’s bedroom, staring at the spot on the floor where they had sex last night. A lump rises in his throat and he has to force himself to look away. His limbs feel wobbly and weak as he makes his way to the bathroom for his shower.

Last night, after everything that happened, he never got to take a shower then. Now his clothing feels too constricting and he can’t get it off fast enough. His skin remember what it was like to touch Dean last night; to hold him down and – Castiel shakes his head to get those thoughts out of it. He turns the shower on as hot as he can take it and all but throws himself under the spray.

If only this would work to wash away this terrible feeling.

*

“Ah, there you are.” Crowley sounds far too smug with himself when he answers the phone. “Of everyone I called this morning, I knew a fine, upright young man like you would call me back.”

Castiel stops towel drying his hair and raises an eyebrow at his reflection in the mirror. “Did you?” He turns away, not liking the sight of himself right now. “You didn’t leave a reason for you call.”

The voicemail had consisted entirely of Crowley insisting Castiel call him back immediately. It had been a whole sixty seconds of nothing but him talking about how Castiel needed to drop everything he was doing to get back to him as soon as possible. Of course he didn’t actually, but Crowley doesn’t need to know that.

“I had to send my day person home sick.” Crowley sighs loudly, like he’s so put out by someone else being ill. “I need someone to cover their shift. Meg is very unhappy that she’s working the front on her own, especially on a busy Saturday morning.” After a pause, during which Castiel doesn’t say a word, Crowley makes a disgruntled noise. “I’ll pay you time and a half if you do it.”

Well, that certainly sounds good. In truth, Castiel hadn’t been holding out for an incentive like that. Crowley likes the sound of his own voice, as Gabriel has informed him in great detail, and Castiel thought that he wasn’t finished speaking. As soon as he had said that he wanted someone to come in, Castiel had already started to contemplate it. Working would be a much better distraction for him than sitting around at home next to a room he can hardly stand to look at, waiting for Dean to come back.

“What time would you like me to come in?”

“Immediately.” Crowley actually sounds happy for a change, and it’s not because he did something that he can’t stop talking about. “The longer Meg is out there alone, the closer she is to quitting.”

Well, that does appear to pose a problem. “I don’t have a ride today. I’ll have to bus my way there. It will be an hour, at least.”

Crowley groans loudly. “It would be no different if I sent someone to pick you up. Just hurry and get here as quick as you can.”

“Yes sir. I’ll leave immediately.”

True to his word, Castiel is out the door not more than a few minutes after they end the call. He’s at the bus stop when his phone rings again. This time it’s Sam and there are no pleasantries exchanged when  he answers it.

“Bobby didn’t get anything out of Dean.” Sam practically explodes with it the moment Castiel has the phone to his ear. “He said the look on Dean’s face was the kind where you don’t want to mess with him. He’ll try and get things out of him later and he’ll keep us posted.”

That’s not very surprising. When Dean is unhappy, he makes it very clear when he doesn’t want to talk to people. “Please thank Bobby for me when you get the chance. Anything he can do to help is and will be greatly appreciated.”

“Yeah, of course.” He hums softly under his breath for a few moments. “Oh, hey! I didn’t get the chance to ask you before, but how did your date with Meg go? A lot of guys our age would be jealous that you’re dating an older woman.”

Oh God, not this again. “It was one date and that’s all it’s ever going to be.” Castiel rolls his eyes and turns to look down the street for the bus. “We had a nice date, but Meg understands that I’m not interested in another.”

“Aw, really?” Sam actually sounds disappointed. “I was hoping that you two would hook up and then Jess and I would finally have someone we could go on double dates with. We used to go with Dean and Lisa, but we all know how that turned out, don’t we?”

Of course they do, and that’s something for which Castiel will be eternally grateful. “I’m sorry, Sam. As soon as I find someone I’m interested in dating, I’ll be sure to let you and Jess know right away.”

“You’d better.” He laughs, but it’s cut short. “Shit, I gotta go. I camped out in the bathroom during my shift to make this call. I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Of course. Have fun at work.”

Castiel hangs up with a sigh. If he and Dean were allowed to be open about their relationship, even though it’s purely sexual, the maybe Sam wouldn’t be so gung ho for him to be with someone else. If they could be upfront with everyone, then maybe last night would never have happened. Maybe Castiel never would have had to go on that date and then maybe last night never would have happened.

He has excellent vision, but nothing is better than Castiel’s hindsight.

*

“Clarence!” Meg looks surprised to see him when he walks through the door, but it breaks into a wide smile and waves for him to come over. “I didn’t expect to see you today. Have you come to be my knight in shining armor?”

The best he can manage right now is a grim smile and a nod. “Yes, I’m here to help. Just give me a second to get an apron and put my stuff in the back and I’ll be right out.”

“Good, I could do with a break.”

That said, she still grabs his hand and pulls him closer as he heads around the counter. Meg leans in until they’re nearly head to head. “So, how did it go yesterday?” There’s an excited, almost hopeful look in her eyes. “Did Dean-o take the bait?”

So, she _was_ trying to make Dean jealous last night. It’s nice to have a confirmation of his suspicions, but it doesn’t make him Castiel any happier. Dean certainly fell for it, but likely not in the way that she was hoping he would. Things certainly didn’t turn out in anyone’s favour last night. Of course, he’s not going to tell her that. Lord knows who Meg would tell if she knew, and if it got to Gabriel – well, Dean likely wouldn’t live through the night if that ever happened.

He shakes his head at her and heads to the back of the café without a word. If she’s going to press about it, he’ll figure something else to tell her. For now, this should suffice. Then he can spend the rest of his shift cleaning and doing everything _except_ dealing with the customers. Meg can be in charge of doing that. Castiel just doesn’t have it in him to smile and be courteous like he’s supposed to be. He can handle making drinks and getting food and cleaning, but that is absolutely _it_.

*

Castiel stares at the wall he shares with Dean’s bedroom, curled under the blanket. He worked for as long as he could before Crowley told him to go home, and now he doesn’t want to be here. It’s empty and quiet and cold. Sam went to see Jess after his shift and Castiel wishes he would come home. Then maybe it wouldn’t feel so bad to be here, yet at the same time he wants nothing more than to be alone. It’s like he’s a key figure in Schrodinger’s principle. He won’t know if he wants to be alone until someone comes home.

Or maybe this wouldn’t be so bad if they had heard from Dean. He hasn’t spoken to Sam, and he certainly hasn’t said anything to Bobby either. If it wasn’t for Benny, they wouldn’t know anything. Through him, Bobby was able to learn that Dean is apparently planning on hitting the bar after work. If that wasn’t bad enough, he was carrying an overnight bag, so he’s definitely planning on not coming home. Castiel wouldn’t blame him if he decided to sleep with someone else tonight, but it still creates a vortex of pain in his chest that sucks up and destroys any good feeling that he could possibly have.

What happened last night was enough to upset Dean to the point that he doesn’t even want to come back to his own home. It’s all Castiel can do to hold back the tears. What is he supposed to do in this situation? Is there anything he _can_ do? Would Dean prefer if he moved out so that something like yesterday never happens again? What about if he – if he – if he what? Castiel has nothing. He’s grasping at the air for something he could say or do to bring Dean home and he has _nothing_.

It’s so hard to breathe when he realizes just how helpless he is in this situation. He did a terrible thing and the consequences for it weigh so heavily on him. Dean shouldn’t have started it, and Castiel shouldn’t have followed through with it. They’re both at fault, obviously, but that does nothing to take the sting out of it. Is there nothing he can do to fix things? Is he doomed to stay waiting here for the proverbial guillotine to drop? That could take an eternity, at this rate. Castiel has no guarantee when Dean will be coming home – if he comes home at all, that is.

God, this is the worst kind of torture and he brought it all upon himself.

*

“Cas?” Sam’s voice is coming from the end of his bed, but that’s still almost too far for Castiel to want to lift his head to see. “I got a text from Benny.”

He pulls the blanket down enough that he can see Sam over the edge of it. “What did he have to say? Is Dean going to be coming home tonight?” Saturday night was a whole new hell of its own when Dean didn’t come home at all and Benny had to tell them he was passed out drunk on his couch. What fresh hell is he going to give to them tonight?

Sam sighs and holds up his phone, squinting in the light from the screen. “They went to the bar again. Dean keeps talking about finding someone to go home and leaving Baby with Benny for the night. It’s either that or he’s going to be spending the night on Benny’s couch again. He says it’s too early to tell right now.”

Dammit. _God_ dammit. Castiel pulls his blanket back into place and curls into a slightly tighter ball than before. He can’t even get words to come out. This is a nightmare, quite literally. The last thing Castiel ever wanted to do was send Dean into the arms of another person, and yet that’s apparently exactly what Friday night did. His mistake just got a hundred times worse and there is literally nothing he can do to fix anything – though not for a lack of trying.

Over the last few days, Castiel has called Dean twice and left him a few text messages. All of them are simply asking Dean how he’s doing and if he’ll be coming home. One of the messages was a request for Dean to come home if only so they can talk. He made that call less than an hour before he went to bed tonight. It was a desperate message; his last ditch attempt to get Dean to talk to him again. They’ve never gone this long before without talking, not even when Castiel returned to his family home for Christmas vacation.

Sam huffs and he kicks the end of Castiel’s bed slightly, reminding him that he’s still there. “I know, Cas. I know. I hate this too.”

It’s unlikely that he hates it to the same extent that Castiel does. “He’ll run out of clean clothes eventually. When he comes back, we can tie him down and make sure he never leaves.”

“In a perfect world, Cas.” He sighs and pats Castiel on his foot. “I’ll let you know if Benny texts me about anything later.”

“Tell me in the morning.” Castiel shakes his head and pulls the blanket a little tighter, trying to shield him from that idea. “I’m going to sleep.” The last thing he wants to hear tonight is confirmation that Dean went home with a stranger.

Sam and gives him a pat again. “Sure thing, Cas. Get some rest and I’ll see you in the morning.”

He holds his breath and waits until he hears Sam’s bedroom door close. Once it is, Castiel lets the breath out. His next one is shaky and quite nearly broken. If he had Benny’s number, he would call him right now and demand that he bring Dean home immediately. Benny must know that this – that _something_ isn’t right at the moment. It’s been weeks, _months_ even, since Dean had a weekend like this. And it’s the first time that Benny has ever been asked for updates.

Of course those thoughts are what carries Castiel to sleep. It’s fitful and full of dreams he doesn’t want to remember; visions of a future he fears might become reality all too soon. Thankfully, the dreams aren’t long and he wakes up less than a few hours later to a thump in the hall outside the apartment. He’ll have to write a thank you note to the neighbours for waking him up. It’s far more preferred than the dreams he was just having.

There are hushed voices through the door and Castiel rolls onto his back to stare at the ceiling and wait them out. But when the voices go quiet and footsteps fade off down the hall, Castiel hears something that makes his heart jolt sharply in his chest. It’s the jangle of keys and the unmistakable scraping sound they make when someone is trying to fit them into a keyhole. The only thing that makes that exceptional right now is that it is the keyhole of _their_ apartment door.

Considering how there are only three people who have keys to this apartment and would be coming into it at this late at night, and two of those people are already here, that means it can only be one person outside right now. His breath catches in his throat and Castiel bites his lip. He watches the door carefully, hoping and waiting that it really is Dean. The light of the hallway illuminates the figure that comes through the door and sucks a sharp breath in through his nose. Castiel could recognize the shape of that body even with his eyes closed.

With some effort, Castiel forces his breathing to even out as if he were sleeping. He has to fight with himself to close his eyes and _not_ watch Dean’s shadow stumble across the apartment. It’s been over forty-eight hours since he last spoke with or saw Dean. The last thing Castiel wants to do right now is make it seem like he was waiting up for him. Oh, but it feels _so good_ to hear those familiar footsteps. Dean is _home_ and there is absolutely nothing better than that.

Dean is quite obviously drunk, evident by his heavy and staggered footfalls. Castiel has heard them enough times to know what it sounds like. Despite that, of all the things Dean could do right now, Castiel does not at all expect him to come over to the bed – to _his_ bed. And he absolutely is _not_ expecting Dean to climb onto the bed and actually _straddle_ him. It surprises him so much that Castiel actually gasps and flails out for the switch on his bedside light.

At first it’s blinding, but when his eyes adjust, Castiel is greeted with Dean’s face less than a foot away. His eyelids are heavy and his breath _reeks_ of alcohol. He’s been drinking, and that’s the only thing  marring how happy Castiel is to have him home. Never, not once in his entire life, has Castiel ever liked being around drunk people and even less so while they’re sitting on him. Besides that, Dean’s knee is pinching his side rather painfully.

Castiel needs to say something, but no words are coming to mind. He can’t think of a single thing to say. He should apologize for Friday, or confess his feelings, or tell Dean to move and go to his own bed – but _nothing_ is coming out. It’s like he’s in shock. That could be it, actually. Maybe he’s not really awake. This could all be part of his terrible dreams. If it were a nightmare, what would happen next? Would Dean try to hurt him for what happened on Friday? Or would he tell him that everything is okay only to follow that up with telling him to leave?

Once again, Dean surprises him by starting to tug at the blankets. He’s trying to pull them back, and he’s rising up as if he’s getting ready to crawl _under_ the blankets with him. Normally Castiel would be all for letting Dean into his bed, but after what happened on Friday, it’s best that they don’t do that. Dean is drunk and God knows what would happen if they’re under the covers together. He gave in to Dean’s demands then, but Castiel refuses to do that now. The last thing they need is a repeat of Friday night.

“ _Dean_.” Castiel hisses his name and tries to pry Dean’s fingers from the edge of the blanket. “Where the hell have you –” He knows where he’s been. What’s the point in asking? The question gets discarded for a fact. “Dean, you’re _drunk_.” Maybe pointing that out will miraculously make Dean stop and realize that what he is doing is a bad thing.

“No, m’not.” He slurs the words and lets go of the blanket to slap Cas’s hands away. “ _Yer_ drunk.”

Alright, so Dean can still understand speech. That’s good. Now it’s just a matter of getting what is said through to him so he’ll actually stop what he’s doing. Castiel can already foresee the difficult task that is going to be and he sighs. It’s all but guaranteed that he’s going to have a fight on his hands soon, in some sense of the word.

Now that Dean isn’t holding onto the blanket, Castiel seizes the moment and grabs his wrists, pinning them to his chest so he can’t get at the blanket again. “You need to go to your _own_ bed, Dean.” He makes sure that his voice is stern and keeps his expression focused into a glare. If he doesn’t look like he wants Dean here, then it will be easier to convince him to go to his room.

“Nuh-uh.” Dean shakes his head and starts trying to pull his hands free. “Mine’s cold n’ empty.”

That is simultaneously both touching and infuriating. Castiel is more than just a bed-warmer. He is more than just a _convenience_. Just because he’s here and someone else isn’t, doesn’t mean that he’ll just willingly open his bed. It doesn’t matter that Dean is drunk, or that he’s been hiding himself away for the last few days, or even that Castiel desperately wants his forgiveness. No, this is beyond all of that. Dean’s plan for the night had been to go home with a stranger. For Dean, anyone will do. It doesn’t have to be Castiel and _that_ – that is devastating.

The thought is a physical pain in his chest. It coils around his heart like a snake, squeezing every emotion out of him until Castiel feels incapable of anything except a cold, hard _anger_. “I’m sure you could have brought someone home to warm it for you.”

“Y’don’t think I _tried_?” Dean hisses and jerks his hands free from Castiel’s grasp. There’s anger in his eyes as he leans over him. “I can’t get you out of m’fucking _mind_ , Cas.”

“That’s not my problem, Dean.” Castiel is utterly delighted to hear that, but he’d much rather hear it while Dean was sober. Hearing it like this makes it _tainted_ and, right now, he wants nothing to do wit it. Dean has had every opportunity to say something like that when they’ve been together, but this is clearly not the time for it.

With a sigh, Castiel reaches up and starts pushing at Dean’s shoulders. “Get off me.”

Whatever is going on right now needs to end before things get worse. This mockery of a conversation can continue in the morning when Dean is sober. God knows what either of them could say right now. Dean might be drunk enough to say things he doesn’t mean or want to. And what if he’s drunk enough not to remember in the morning that they had the conversation? Or Castiel might get so daring as to say something in the hopes that Dean won’t remember it.

Somehow, Dean manages to duck out of the way of his hands. He folds forward to press his face into the cotton night shirt covering Castiel’s chest. It’s an awkward position, but Dean doesn’t seem to care. If he thinks this is going to change Castiel’s mind about letting him stay, he’s very wrong. Nothing is going to convince him that Dean shouldn’t sober up in his own room for the rest of the night. That is – until Dean mumbles something into his shirt that makes Castiel’s whole body go still – like both his heart and his breath have stopped.

“I fuckin’ _miss_ you.”

Castiel’s hands that had previously been trying to push Dean off of him fall end up resting on his shoulders. When his heart starts again, it’s pounding is so loud that he’s sure Dean must be able to hear it. He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. This isn’t healthy for him – for either of them

“Dean, Sam is sleeping in the next room.” His voice drops to a whisper and he gives Dean’s shoulders a gentle push. “He’s going to hear you. Go to your own bed, sleep this off, and we’ll talk in the morning.” That is an absolute truth because there are far too many questions now for him to make any excuses not to ask about them.

Unfortunately, it seems like Dean has other thoughts on that matter. He shakes his head and start to absently pull at the blanket again. “Don’t wanna talk.”

“Why not?” Considering everything he’s said right tonight, and what happened on Friday, it seems like _talking_ is the only thing they have left to them to salvage this relationship of theirs – whether it be their sexual one or their friendship.

Dean abandons the blanket entirely and starts to try and work his hands under Castiel. “Talkin’ _changes_ things. Don’t want things t’change.”

But sometimes change can be for the better. Considering that this moment is the highest Castiel’s hopes have been in months – which is saying something, given the situation – he would very much like to have a talk in the morning. On top of that, his curiosities are starting to pile up. Exactly what does Dean think would change between them if they had a talk?

“Why do you think things are going to change?” It’s a valid question. All that’s missing from having a romantic relationship is the actual romanticism. To Castiel’s understanding, aside from being open out their relationship, they’ve basically been dating for the last few months.

“Coz m’broken.” Dean mumbles the words into Castiel’s chest again, his attempt to hold him forgotten the moment Castiel moves his hands to rest on his shoulders instead .

 _What_? Castiel opens his mouth to object, but Dean shakes his head. “I _am_. And yer gonna see that too and m’gonna lose you too and I _can’t_ , Cas. I just – I don’t want –”

He takes a shuddering breath and in that moment all Castiel wants to do is comfort him. The best that he can do right now is slide his fingers into Dean’s hair. It makes Dean pause and he shudders slightly, though he doesn’t pull away. Instead, he leans into Castiel all the more.

“Don’t make m’lose you too, Cas.”

The whispers is almost lost to the fabric of his shirt, but Castiel still hears it. He hears it and it breaks his heart because there is so much _fear_ in those words. What has he done to make Dean think that he would ever leave him? Does he think that Castiel will leave him like Lisa did? Of course not. Lisa had her reasons for leaving, and whatever those may be, Castiel doesn’t share in them right now – maybe not ever. He can’t speak for what the future might hold, but even after Friday he just wants to make things _right_ between them again. Castiel wants to figure things out and make things _work_.

“I’m not going anywhere, Dean.” He swallows around a tight lump in his throat and squeezes his eyes shut. “You know that.”

“Y’were gone yesterday.” Dean huffs as he stretches out over top of him properly instead of kneeling.

Oh, that’s right. He was, wasn’t he? Well, he can’t out that he was at Jess’s apartment. They’re both keeping that a secret. That means he’s going to have to lie, doesn’t it? Well, it’s just a little white lie, right? It’s not going to hurt anyone.

With a sigh, Castiel rubs his free hand across Dean’s back. “I had to open the café, remember? Just because we had a fight doesn’t meant that I’m going to leave you.”

“You _are_.” Dean insists, and he just sounds so sure of himself.

He shakes his head and runs his fingers through Dean’s hair. “I’m not.”

“Then yer gonna.”

How many people have left Dean over his life that would make him believe that Castiel won’t stay? “Why do you think that?”

Dean shrugs and rubs his face into Castiel’s chest. “Coz’ yer gonna see m’not good enough for you n’ m’a whiny fuckin’ baby right now.”

Not good enough for him? Has Dean been speaking with Castiel’s father? Because that sounds like a very Father thing to say, and he has just the answer for that. “Let me be the judge of that.” He can make his own choices and he’s chosen Dean. Nothing that anyone says is going to change his mind.

Castiel gently pushes Dean’s shoulders until he sits up slightly. “Now, go to your bed before you wake Sam up. You’re not exactly whispering right now.” Mumbling and muffling the words into his shirt, sure, but he’s not been quiet about it.

“Don’t wanna.”

Dean looks like he’s half asleep for a moment, and then his eyes fall to the blanket again. An odd, determined light fills them and he starts to pull at the blanket with renewed vigor. This time he’s putting more effort into it than before and Castiel frowns, scrambling to try and keep the blanket up. He still firmly believes that they should _not_ share a bed tonight. Regardless of their conversation, they shouldn’t spend the night together until they’ve talked about what happened on Friday.

He shakes his head and tries to get a grip on Dean’s hands again. “Dean, _stop_ it.”

“Lemme stay, Cas.” Dean’s words sound too thick and he swats Castiel’s hands away. “I wanna stay.”

And Castiel wants him to stay, but not like this. Not when there is every chance that the both of them might make another mistake. “I said _no_ , De–”

The rest of his name gets caught in Castiel’s throat. Dean’s gaze is locked on his lips now and when he leans forward, Castiel knows exactly what he wants. A kiss is what started this whole mess a few days ago and that is _not_ going to happen again. Castiel presses his lips together in a thin line and turns his face away. He will not have a repeat of Friday. He absolutely _will not_.

One would think that with his lips out of reach, Dean would get the picture that Castiel doesn’t want a kiss. But that doesn’t take into account just how drunk he is. Instead of kissing his mouth, Dean decides that kissing his throat is a much better option – and much easier to access. Except that in no way can what Dean does next be considered a _kiss_. It’s open mouthed, involves teeth, and there is a whole lot of _sucking_ involved in it.

Castiel gasps and his whole body twitches at the sensation that pulses through him. It’s like lightning straight down his spine. His grip on Dean’s shoulders tightens and Castiel starts shoving him back in earnest. If Dena keeps doing what he’s doing, he’s going to end up leaving a mark. While Castiel doesn’t exactly mind, he also doesn’t think they should be doing this. It’s the _last_ thing they should be doing. He can see Friday night repeating itself all over again and this needs to stop _now_.

One moment Dean is there, and the next he’s gone. Castiel sits up sharply for his front row seat to see Sam haul Dean to his feet, arms wrapped tightly around his waist. He shouldn’t be complaining, but the need to explain away what was happening. “Sam, wait! Sam, it’s not what you think!”

Sam looks _furious_. He doesn’t say a word as he basically _drags_ Dean to his room and throws him in. Dean makes a disgruntled noises, and anything after that is cut off as Sam pulls the door shut. Without a sound, he turns around to face Castiel. The anger hasn’t eased even slightly.

“Don’t be mad.” Castiel feels like he’s choking on the words. He curls his fingers tightly in the blanket. “It wasn’t what it looked like.”

“It _looked_ like Dean was assaulting you, Cas.” His voice is flat and ringing with disapproval.

Okay, that is exceptionally worse than what Castiel was expecting. He shakes his head and starts to stand. “No, no. I promise you, it wasn’t like that.”

“I know what I saw, Cas!” Sam steps away from the wall and gestures sharply towards Dean’s bedroom. “He was _on top_ of you! You were telling him _no_ and he was pinning you down and ignoring your protests. That is the _textbook_ definition of sexual assault.”

Technically, it might look like that to the unobserved, but in context it really isn’t that bad. “I know what it looked like, Sam. I know. But it wasn’t like that. Dean is just drunk and he –”

“He decided to give you a hickey?”

Castiel’s hand flies to his throat and he presses down on the wet spot on his skin. “That was just – He made a mistake.”

“Yeah, his mistake is that he got _drunk_.” Sam shakes his head and pushes his hands through his hair. “Don’t try to excuse what he did, Cas. Dean fucked up big time.”

He takes a deep breath, clearly trying to calm himself. “I’m sorry, Cas.” With another sigh, Sam comes over to sit on the bed next to him. “I didn’t ask if you were okay. Are you alright?”

“I’m fine, Sam.” Castiel ducks his head, unable to meet his eyes. “It’s – it really isn’t like you think it was. I swear. I’m not at all mad about this. We were talking about Friday and – and he was drunk and it just, the hickey thing just happened, that’s all.”

“That doesn’t make it okay.”

“I know.” He sighs and rubs a hand over his face. “Of course this isn’t good, and I’m not trying to make excuses. I just – It’s very hard to explain.” Castiel turns a pleading look to him and puts a hand on Sam’s arm. “Our fight on Friday was very upsetting. Dean is dealing with it in his own way. It’s not the best way, but – I’m going to speak with him again in the morning, so _please_ don’t be too hard on him.”

The look Sam gives him is flat and unhappy, but he eventually relents. With a sigh, he sags into Castiel’s side and throws an arm around his shoulders. “I’m sorry, Cas. For me and for him.”

Castiel leans into him too. “It’s alright, Sam. Thank you. I’m sorry we woke you up.”

“Don’t be.” Sam pats him on the leg before he gets up. “I’m glad you did. Who knows what else he would have done if I hadn’t gotten up?”

“Do I need to remind you that I know Taekwondo?”

A dry laugh bubbles out of Sam and he shakes his head. “Right, right. You could’ve thrown him off without batting an eyelash.”

“Absolutely.” Castiel forces himself to smile as Sam starts walking away, just in case he turns around to look at him again. “Please go back to bed. We’ll deal with all of this in the morning.”

Sam waves over his shoulder, but he doesn’t look back. The moment he’s back in his bedroom, Castiel flops back on his bed with a loud sigh. He doesn’t even know what to do right now. What _can_ he do? Nothing, absolutely nothing. This is already all – it’s all _fucked up_. Dean just – and Sam just – and – and – Oh God. Is this the end of everything?

It’s unlikely that he’s going to get any sleep for the rest of tonight, but he is _not_ looking forward to what the morning is going to bring.

*

Castiel watches from the kitchen as Sam paces back and forth in front of Dean’s bedroom door. He’s got his phone to his ear, listening. From Castiel’s understanding, it’s Bobby on the other end of the line and he is _not_ happy. Whatever he’s saying is making Sam increasingly agitated.

“I know, Bobby. I’m sorry.” Sam rubs the back of his neck and tilts his head back to look up at the ceiling. “He must have turned his phone off. When he came home last night, he was really out of it and he’s – yeah, he’s probably not feeling too great right now.” He pauses before nodding. “I’ll let him know. Thanks for giving him a pass today, Bobby. You’re the best.”

When he hangs up, Sam gives Castiel an unhappy look. “It’s time to wake that asshole up.”

“Be my guest.” He tilts his head towards the bedroom door and tightens his grip on his coffee mug.

It’s pushing noon now and they haven’t heard a peep from inside Dean’s room. As far as the both of them know, Dean could be dead in there. Of course, Castiel hopes that he isn’t. A part of him – the part that isn’t relying on coffee to stay awake right now – is concerned for Dean’s well being. He’s just – he’s _very_ tired. Castiel didn’t get a wink of sleep after Dean came home. The night was spent staring at the ceiling and thinking very hard about what he’s going to say or do once in the morning. He’s come to his decision about what needs to be done, even if it’s not an ideal situation.

Sam tucks his phone away and turns. “Alright, here I go.” He takes a few deep breaths before throwing the door to Dean’s room open, letting it bang against the wall. “Dean! Bobby called me. He said you were supposed to start work an hour ago!” He makes no effort to keep his voice down in deference to whatever hangover Dean might have.

Castiel makes no move to go after him. He and his coffee will wait right here to see the results of this bedroom invasion. Sam disappears into the bedroom and all Castiel listens to him berate Dean for not answering his phone. There’s a brief moment of silence before the rustling sound of someone getting out of bed. In the next instant, Dean is practically catapulting out of the room. He dashes down the hall so quickly that Castiel barely even sees him.

Barely a moment later, and the apartment is filled with the unpleasant sound of someone evacuating the contents of their stomach. Castiel grimaces and shakes his head. He puts his coffee down and gets a glass from the cupboard. While Dean continues to throw up, he fills the glass with cold water. There’s an extra first aid kit in one of the drawers under his bed that he keeps stocked with various pills just for moments like this.

Once the vomiting ends and the toilet flushes, Castiel risks peeking into the bathroom. Dean is sitting with his back against the tub and his knees drawn to his chest. He has his head resting on them and he’s taking slow, deep breaths. Somewhere in his hard, sleep-deprived heart, Castiel feels pity for Dean being in this state. But the rest of him thinks that he rather deserves this. Instead of going out drinking like that, Dean could have come home. They could have talked these things through before they ever got this bad. This is retribution for poor choices.

Castiel crouches in front of him and taps the glass against the top of Dean’s head to get his attention. When Dean looks up, he holds out the water and a few pills. One to help with his stomach and a few to help with his headache. “These will make you feel better.”

Surprise filters across Dean’s face. He looks pale and drawn. Clearly he’s not feeling well and Castiel would like to help him, he really would, but what can he do? All he can do right now is let Dean recover and then – and then they’ll deal with the fallout from Friday _and_ Sunday night. This is essentially exactly what he took the day off for.

Dean opens his mouth as if to speak, but he closes it almost immediately as his gaze drops from Castiel’s face to his throat. What little colour still left in his cheeks fades completely. “Cas, I’m –“

No. Apologies can come later. Castiel shakes his head and puts the glass of water on the floor. He takes one of Dean’s hands and turns it over to put the pills in his palm. When Dean is feeling better, they can talk and make their apologies then. They can’t do that with the state that Dean’s in right now.

Castiel is patient. He can wait.


	33. Chapter 33

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It doesn't take long for Dean to breathe a soft sigh, even though he doesn't look away. "I – We can talk tomorrow, okay? I'll tell you everything." His hold tightens slightly. "I promise."
> 
> "Whatever you need, Dean." He gives Dean a small, hopeful smile. "I'm here."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No warnings for chapter.
> 
> This chapter takes place before and during [Chapter 14](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/4959747) and [Chapter 15](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/5045039) of the _A Little Patience_ story line.

It’s hard to determine whether having Monday off from the café is a stroke of luck or not. Castiel is grateful that he doesn’t have to try and pretend to be in a good mood for his customers, but it also means that he’s stuck alone in the apartment with Dean. Sam was very hesitant to leave the two of them alone together, but he wasn’t able to get the time off. He’s worried that Dean might try something again like he did last night.

Honestly, that’s the farthest thing from Castiel’s mind right now. He doesn’t remotely expect Dean to try anything today. In fact, he’s more worried about what’s going to happen when they finally sit down to talk. Except – well – Dean said last night that he _doesn’t_ want to talk. Talking changes things and he doesn’t want things between them to change. He _did_ say that he didn’t want a relationship, but does that mean he really _is_ satisfied with the sexual arrangement between them?

Castiel’s head and heart starts to hurt if he thinks about it. He does what he can to keep himself entertained after Sam leaves, doing what he can to keep from fretting too much over the near future. Dean is sleeping away his upset stomach and hangover, and it’s only a matter of time before he wakes up and they determine once and for all of their sexual relationship will continue or not. It’s a conversation that Castiel is hoping to avoid altogether – especially since Dean said that he didn’t want to talk or make things change.

To keep himself from worrying about it too much, Castiel spends the day going over his textbooks for his upcoming classes. The only break he takes is in the late afternoon when his stomach starts grumbling too loud to ignore. He might as well make an early dinner for himself, and for Dean. If he doesn’t wake up in time to eat it now, then he can eat it later. Castiel should make something simple that will hold over until later. Soup sounds good, but he wants something more than that. It’s going to have to be something easy that he can make. Perhaps grilled cheese? That similar enough to pancakes, is it not?

As it turns out, they’re really not. He knows the basics behind making them, but while his soup heats on the stove, his sandwiches burn. Castiel was even careful to not put the heat on maximum. It’s figuring out how long before he should flip the sandwich that seems to be costing him the materials. They just keep _burning_. If it’s not one side, it’s the other, or it’s both. It’s ridiculously frustrating because he’s almost certain that he’s doing everything correctly.

Castiel does his best not to react when he hears Dean’s bedroom door open. He focuses solely on attempt number three at the grilled cheese sandwich. His concentration wavers dangerously when he notes from the corner of his eye that Dean shuffles over to stand at his elbow. Neither one of them says a word. It’s not that Castiel _wants_ to ignore him, but he needs to focus on the sandwich and – and he doesn’t exactly know what he’s supposed to say. Maybe in the time that it takes him to get the perfect sandwich, then he’ll know what to say to him.

He tsks loudly when he checks the underside of his current sandwich. This time Castiel was _sure_ that he’d done it properly, but of course it’s black again. With a sigh, he moves it to his rejection plate. They’re too burnt to eat. He has another sandwich ready and waiting for its turn in the pan. As he’s switching out the burnt one for the new one, Dean silently reaches out to turn the heat down even more. It’s all Castiel can do not to groan at that. Was it seriously not turned down enough already?

Changing the heat isn’t the only thing Dean does. He also digs a timer out of a drawer and places it on the counter. Castiel spares a quick glance to confirm that it’s been set. So, when that goes off, Castiel is supposed to flip it? That’s easy enough to understand. Was his problem with the heat or with how long he was leaving it in the pan? It’s hard to tell, but it’s probably a combination of the two.

Dean continues to stand silent as they wait for the timer. When it rings, Castiel flips the sandwich and he almost smiles to see that it’s a lovely golden brown. It really is perfect. He takes the timer and reset s it to the same as Dean had it before. To keep his himself busy, he gives the soup a stir. Castiel still can’t think of a single thing to say. Should he apologize for Friday? Or ask about what’s going to happen now? Or should he bury it all under the rug and act like nothing happened?

He mulls over all the possibilities while he cooks. It feels like no time at all before he has two perfect sandwiches finished and the soup has long been simmering. Castiel’s hand trembles slightly as he turns off all the burners. It’s time to eat and that means they’re going to sit down together. Either they’re going to eat in silence, or they’re going to talk, and that is just this side of _terrifying_. He still doesn’t know what in the world he should say.

Any chance of _thinking_ comes to a grinding halt the moment Dean steps up close enough that Castiel can feel his breath against the back of his neck. His body locks up in surprise. He takes a sharp breath as Dean rests his forehead against the back of Castiel’s neck, a soft sigh ghosting across his skin. What is the purpose of this? Is he doing something like what he was last night? Is this some form of comfort or is it a form of desire?

Castiel has been hyper aware all day of the spot on his throat where Dean left his mark. Part of him wants more of that, but not like this. If Dean is going to live his marks on him, Castiel wants them to be given soberly and with the full intent to show the world that they have been together. The mark on his neck right now just leaves him queasy.

After a minute of silence between them, Castiel sighs. He can’t wait for Dean to act right now. The sandwiches are getting cold. “What is it, Dean?”

There are hesitant hands on his waist and Castiel holds his breath as they carefully, slowly make their way around him. It ends up being a loose hug and it takes all of his willpower not to lean back into it. He takes a deep breath and waits to see what Dean is planning to do. If it’s something unsavory along the lines of what happened last night, then Castiel will be forced to use some self defense. He will _not_ let Friday or Sunday night happen again.

It doesn’t take long for Dean to sigh again, soft and quiet. “I’m sorry.”

This is it. This is the turning point. If they’re going to talk about what happened, now would be the start of it. But Dean doesn’t want to talk. He doesn’t want things to change. Castiel _does_ want change, but not like this – not when the risk lies too high in favour of everything between them ending. What he wants to change is the _romantic_ aspect of the relationship and that just feels so far from him right now. And yet, it has never felt closer.

His shoulders droop and Castiel sighs loudly, his mind made up. “We’re not going to talk about it, Dean.” Castiel steps out of the hug to plate the good sandwiches and dump the burnt ones. He keeps his hands busy with spooning out two bowls of soup. “Last night you said you didn’t want to talk about what happened on Friday. You don’t want things to change, so it won’t.” As far as he can tell, that’s the only way he can continue being with Dean.

Dean doesn’t say anything, but he shuffles out of the way as Castiel carries the dishes to the table. There’s an almost lost look on his face and it’s enough to make Castiel’s heart ache. He steels himself against it and puts a bowl of soup where Dean usually sits. “Here. This should be light enough for your stomach to handle.” And if Dean wants something more, there’s a grilled cheese sandwich for him.

“Thanks, Cas.” Dean mumbles softly and drops into the chair. He stares at his soup but doesn’t touch it, instead looking at the empty chair next to him where Sam normally sits. “What about Sam?”

“He’s at work.” It’s understandable that Dean would have forgotten that, considering how out of it he was last night and this morning.

Dean still continues staring at his soup and not moving. He takes a deep breath and looks up at Castiel. “ _You_ want to talk, don’t you?”

Of course he does. There’s so much Castiel wants to talk about with him, but he’s absolutely terrified of it. “What is there to talk about?” He shrugs and takes a bite of his sandwich. It tastes bland and gray in his mouth. “You don’t want things to change and talking is going to make those changes happen, right?”

“It usually does.”

“Then we’re not going to talk about it.” It’s as simple as that and it makes Castiel’s chest feel like it’s folding in on itself. He tries to play off his pain by focusing on eating and acting like this isn’t slowly killing him from the inside out.

Even without looking, Castiel can tell that Dean is staring at him. He takes a deep breath and gestures at the soup. “Eat something.”

Dean ducks his head and picks up his spoon. Despite that, he doesn’t start eating. He continues watching Castiel closely. “Do you forgive me?”

Does he _what_? Castiel puts his sandwich down and turns to look at him. He narrows his eyes slightly to try and determine just exactly kind of forgiveness Dean might be looking for. “Forgive you for what?”

As soon as Castiel looks at him, Dean looks away. He stares down at his soup and fiddles with his spoon. “For being a _massive_ fucking idiot last night _and_ on Friday night. I shou–“

That’s quite enough. “I forgive you for that.” In particular, for last night. Friday night can be blamed on the both of them. It was handled poorly on all accounts. “And I should apologize too.”

With a sigh, Castiel puts his spoon down. He can feel his face growing tight and he has to put his hands in his lap to keep them from shaking. The memories of Friday night and everything that happened will haunt him for a long time yet. In particular, his lack of action in caring for Dean afterwards.

Castiel takes a deep breath and shakes his head. “What we did Friday night was – It was a terrible moment for us to have sex and I shouldn’t have just _left_ you there afterward. I didn’t even check if you were okay and –” And everything. Everything he did that night was wrong, including going on that date with Meg. None of this would have happened if he’d just been able to stand up to his brother.

“No, it’s –” Dean shakes his head and makes an aborted move to reach for Castiel’s arm. He draws his hand back quickly. “Don’t worry about that, Cas. I kind of provoked you into it and I was an asshole when I shouldn’t have been because –”

No, Castiel doesn’t want to know Dean’s reasons for it. For all he knows, it might be something that makes him hurt even more. He holds up his hand to cut Dean off. “This is talking about things, Dean. We’ve both apologized and forgiven each other. Now we can move on from this. Agreed?”

Dean looks extremely doubtful. He stares at Castiel for a long time before he nods and his shoulders slump again. By that point, he looks like he’s somewhat relieved and he slowly starts eating his soup. Castiel doesn’t really know if this is a good or a bad thing. Is this really all behind them now? Or will it come back to bite them in the backside soon enough? Are things _really_ going to go back to normal between them? Somehow he kind of doubts that.

They continue eating in silence, though Castiel can still feel the tension in the room like a physical entity. It’s just a matter of time before they’ll be overwhelmed by it. And when that happens, Castiel really isn’t sure what the consequences of that will be.

*

Even though he shouldn’t, Castiel checks his cell phone while he’s at work. Usually he reserves waiting until break time to do it, or when he goes to the washroom, but since he’s not in sight of any customers, he figures it can’t hurt to just take a glance. The kitchen is as a safe place as any, and it’s not like Gabriel doesn’t check his phone in there all the time. Given the situation at home, Castiel is rather invested in keeping up to date with what’s happening.

This morning, Sam had said that something big was going down today. He never explained what, but when Castiel feels his phone vibrate in his pocket, he’s not surprised to find a text message from Sam. The contents, however, are a little concerning.

**_Sorry Cas but I totally lied to you this morning._ **

He frowns at the message and tucks himself away in a corner to quickly answer it. **_What do you mean?_**

**_You on break? I can call and explain…_ **

Castiel is not getting a good feeling about this. Granted, he hasn’t had a good feeling for a while now. Monday and Tuesday were extremely tense between him and Dean. They’ve barely said more than a few words to each other since their soup and grilled cheese sandwiches. He thought things might have been looking up today when Dean offered to give him a ride to the café for work, but even that was an awkward and quiet trip.

After informing his co-worker that he’s heading to the bathroom, Castiel heads out to make the call. He shuts himself in the bathroom and tugs at the collar of his turtleneck as he sits on the lid of the toilet. It’s starting to feel annoyingly tight and he wishes he didn’t have to wear it. But, without this, someone would see the fading hickey Dean left and there would be all manner of questions that Castiel just doesn’t want to deal with.

Sam picks up on the phone on the third ring. “Hey, Cas.”

“Hello, Sam. Please explain what you meant in your text messages.” Castiel doesn’t like lying at the best of times. To hear that one of his best friends just did it to him is rather heart breaking. At this point, it’s hard to believe that once upon a time his heart _didn’t_ constantly hurt him.

“I didn’t go see Jess when I left this morning.” Sam sighs loudly and he sounds so very haggard. “I went to see Bobby because we were going to talk to Dean together when he went in to work.”

Castiel winces, because that couldn’t have been a good conversation. “How did that go?”

“About as well as you think it could.” Sam’s grumble is almost lost to the sound of passing traffic. “Dean wasn’t too happy about having a surprise intervention, but he said he’s not going to pull stupid shit again like he did this weekend.”

The screeching sound of a bus’s brakes puts a pause on their conversation until Sam is on board the bus and seated. “Sorry about that. Did Dean really talk with you about what happened?”

“You know Dean.” Castiel rests an elbow on his knee and leans forward to rest his face in his hand. “We talked about it as much as either of us really wanted to. We both apologized for the fight on Friday, and Dean apologized for Sunday night. I’m not sure if that really did any good for either of us, but we’ve agreed to put it behind us.”

“Really?” Sam sounds skeptical and it’s a tone that Castiel doesn’t really enjoy hearing. “I mean – Cas, he was well on his way to – _y’know_. If I hadn’t stopped him, he could’ve –”

Oh Lord have mercy. This is not a conversation he wants to have _again_. “Sam, we already talked about this. Please don’t make me have to repeat myself about it.” Castiel pinches the bridge of his nose. “What else happened with the conversation with Bobby?”

Sam huffs loudly, making the phone line crackle. “Fine, okay. Dean was a dick at work over the weekend too, so Bobby put him on probation for a month. If he fucks up again, he’s going to lose his job no matter how close Bobby is with our family.”

Castiel winces again. That doesn’t sound very good. Since he’s new at the café, he has ninety days of probation before he’ll have access to his benefits and be allowed paid time off. If he needs a day off before his probation is up, Gabriel might be the only way that he can get it. He’s got a silver tongue when it comes to talking Crowley into letting things slide.

Speaking of getting in trouble, Castiel should get around to wrapping up this conversation. He can’t be away from the front for too long or they’re going to start thinking his shirking his job. “How is Dean doing now?”

“Fine, I guess? I had to leave for work so I wasn’t able to see the end of the lecture.” The disappointment in Sam’s voice is far too thick. He clearly wanted to be a part of the rest of the intervention. “Best I know is that Bobby isn’t going to make things easy for him at the garage for a while. Gotta pay him back for being hung over and skipping work, y’know?”

Even though Sam can’t see him, Castiel nods in agreement. “Now that the two of you have talked with him, I hope that things will return to normal soon.” There’s no way to quantify just how badly he wishes he could erase the last week so that it never happened. “I need to get back to work now, Sam. I’ll see you later at home?”

“Absolutely. Dean said he’d be coming straight home after work too.” That brings a smile back to Sam’s voice slightly. “I think we should order in for dinner tonight because I sure as heck don’t feel like cooking. Do you?”

“The list of things I’m allowed to cook is very narrow.” Castiel rolls his eyes as he gets to his feet again. “You’ve got my vote for ordering in. See you later.”

Sam gives his goodbyes and Castiel hangs up. He double checks that his phone is on silent before tucking it away in his pocket again. Out of habit, he washes his hands before leaving the bathroom. Thankfully, there isn’t a lineup waiting for it. Castiel rather wishes that he didn’t just have that phone call. It’s going to be rather difficult to stay focused on his job for the rest of the day. But, if he’s lucky, things between him and Dean might improve a little now that Bobby has spoken to him.

Or, at least he hopes so.

*

Castiel isn’t exactly sure how it’s possible, but time manages to fly by _and_ crawl past. Every day feels like it takes forever, but in no time at all he finds that two weeks have passed. It’s been difficult to go on pretending like the fight never happened, and yet that’s been the easiest part compared to wondering if Dean will ever touch him again. Ever since the fight, they haven’t kissed or had more than a passing glance of a touch between them.

Granted, that could be Castiel’s fault. He’s been restraining himself if only because he wants to let Dean make the first move. When he’s ready, they’ll talk. Or, at the very least, they’ll start their sexual relationship again. For now, it’s just a matter of sitting patiently and waiting. But, despite Castiel’s nearly _endless_ amounts of patience, it’s nothing but torture to sit on the couch with Dean so close and not be able to reach out and hold his hand.

He can’t lean into his side and take any sort of comfort from having him nearby. It’s a physical ache and Castiel hasn’t had to ignore this feeling for such a long time and he hates it. There’s nothing really stopping him from reaching out to Dean and starting up their sex life again, but he’s hesitant to do it because what if Dean doesn’t want that again? It’s not like Castiel has noticed any signs that he wants it too. Not to mention that Sam has hardly left them alone during the last few weeks.

In all honesty, it’s more like Castiel is terrified that Dean will turn him down. If Dean says that he never wants to be intimate with him again, of course he’ll accept it. It will take quite a bit to get used to being _just_ friends again, at least for Castiel. And that’s not to forget that he’ll have to figure out how to live with Dean going out with other people more often again. There’s definitely been a decrease in how often Dean went out since they started their sexual relationship.

Even after two weeks, thoughts like those keep distracting Castiel from practically everything. He’s barely paid any attention to whatever movie he’s watching with Sam and Dean right now. If he’s not thinking about how to salvage his relationship with Dean, than Castiel’s thoughts are filled with nothing but what he’s learned from his textbooks. Those are really the only break he gets from worrying about this _thing_ with Dean.

Despite his nearly constant distracted state, Castiel is well aware of the beer in Dean’s hand when he drops back onto the couch. There’s a stiff state to his whole body that wasn’t there when he got up a few minutes ago and it is immediately concerning. As far as he knows, Dean hasn’t touched alcohol once since that unpleasant Sunday night – especially since Bobby told him that he needs to stop drinking after what he did.

When Sam told him about that, Castiel had taken the initiative to sit Dean down and talk with him about his drinking habits too. Strictly speaking, Dean actually wasn’t that bad with them. He didn’t drink daily and he really only drank to excess when he went partying with his friend. On most of those occasions, he didn’t get _that_ drunk either. Most of the time, if Dean gets tipsy, he’s actually rather hilarious and fun to be around. It’s only when he’s _extremely_ drunk that Castiel starts to get uncomfortable, and he’s rarely around for that anyways.

That aside, what might be the most surprising about this moment is the fact that Sam doesn’t look unsettled by the beer in Dean’s hand. In fact, he might even look a little _envious_. He’s eyeing it with a sadder version of the look he gets when Dean takes the last slice of bacon during breakfast.

Castiel squints at the beer, contemplating whether or not he should ask about it. Dean solves that problem by shaking his head. “Just this one.” He puts the bottle to his lips and takes a long gulp from it. “I need it tonight.”

Now that is just a concerning. Did something happen between here and the fridge that would make Dean _need_ a beer? The only time he usually drinks is socially with friends, or when something has upset him. Clearly this isn’t a social occasion, so does that mean something upset him? In their _kitchen_? Whatever it was, it’s enough to make Dean drink his beer faster than he normally does. He’s not even watching the movie anymore either. There’s a distant look in his eyes, proving that he’s thinking about something else entirely. Even Sam doesn’t seem to be paying any attention to the movie.

By the time the film comes to an end, Castiel is pretty sure that none of them were actually watching it. He’s barely finished muting the TV before Sam stands up. “Sorry, guys. I’m going to head to bed early.”

Really? But it’s hardly past nine o’clock in the evening. Castiel is fairly certain that Sam hasn’t gone to bed this early since he was a child. But, it does mark one of the few times since the fight that Sam has left Castiel and Dean alone together. As soon as he’s gone, the awkwardness in the room starts to grow. The silence is deafening and Castiel scrambles for an idea on how to fill it.

Eventually, he settles on the most obvious option. “Would you like to watch another movie?” Castiel shifts slightly in his spot and sneaks a glance at Dean to see his reception to the idea.

His stomach drops when Dean shakes his head. “Actually, I think I’m going to go to bed too.” He looks to Castiel with a weak smile. “Sorry. You can keep watching, if you want. The sound won’t bother us.”

Oh, well, there’s no point in watching anything if no one will be watching it with him. Besides, Castiel couldn’t focus on one movie. What are the chances that he’ll be able to focus on a second? It’s going to be even harder now that Dean and Sam are acting off. All Castiel can do is nod in response and slump back into the couch. He might as well just go to bed too. There’s not much else for him to do.

To Castiel’s surprise – and his delight – Dean puts his hand on his knee. He gives it a small squeeze and it makes Castiel’s heart pound painfully behind his wings. Why is he – The question dies in his mind before it can be finished. Dean uses his grip on Castiel’s knee to push himself to his feet. Any hope he had about Dean touching him again is smothered, but then immediately rekindled.

For the first time in two weeks, Dean leans down to press a kiss to Castiel’s forehead. “Goodnight, Cas.”

Before he can even react, Dean shuffles off to his bedroom and closes the door behind him. Castiel touches his forehead, delighted yet curious. There are so many unasked questions bouncing about in his head and Castiel has to hold himself back from breaking down that door to ask them. Instead, he takes a deep breath and gets up to turn off the lights. Castiel shuts down the TV and the DVD player too, ready to turn in for bed himself – though it’s not likely that he’ll sleep any time soon.

Something is up with the Winchesters and it is _not_ good.

*

With a snort, Castiel is quite suddenly back in the world of the awake. At first he's not entirely sure what woke him or why, but that becomes obvious fairly quickly. There's a finger on his lips and a hushed whisper in the dark; "Keep your voice down. Sam's still sleeping."

Is that –What in the world is going on? For one horrifying moment, Castiel wonders if this is going to be some kind of repeat of that Sunday night. How is that even possible? There wasn't remotely enough alcohol in the apartment for Dean to get as drunk as he was that night. If this is his attempt at the same, Castiel is going to make sure that it doesn’t happen again.

Unlike Sunday, Castiel sits up and rubs at his eyes. A yawn makes his jaw crack as he squints into the dark of the living room. "What time is it?"

Dean is a dark shadow among shadows as he moves to unplug Castiel's phone from it's charging station on the bedside table. "Really fucking early, or really fucking late. It depends on your point of view." His shrug is audible in his voice. "Now hurry up and make your bed."

Those words sink into Castiel's brain, but they make no sense to him. "What?" There's more irritation in his tone than he would like, but he's never been a fan of being woken up unceremoniously at an unexpected time. "Why?"

Until he gets a good reason as to _why_ he needs to make his bed, Castiel isn't going to do a damn thing. The most he's willing to do right now is stand up. If Dean really has gone crazy in the middle of the night, then he'll be able to defend himself much easier by being on his feet.

With his eyes adjusted to the darkness, he watches as Dean heads to the closet by the front door where he gets Castiel's coat _and_ his shoes. He turns, keeping his eyes on him as Dean takes those things into his bedroom. What in the world could he possibly want with those? It's like he's trying to make it look like Castiel has left the apartment. Is this Dean's way of saying that he wants him to leave?

An ache pulses hard in his sternum and Castiel press his knuckles against it, waiting and watching as Dean returns to the living room with the sole intent of making the bed – though it doesn't look nearly as good as when Castiel does it.

The words balance on the tip of his tongue and he can't hold them. "What are you doing?"

"Just –" There's something desperate about the way Dean tries straighten the messy edges of the blanket. "Would you make your bed, please? Make it look like you've left the house, okay?"

Ah- _hah_. That's one question answered, and it's a dagger like pain in his back. Now there's just one word whirling through his mind and he _needs_ it answered before he can do even think of doing anything. His hands shake slightly and Castiel crosses his arms to keep it from showing. He straightens his back and raises his shoulders slightly, doing his best not to curl in on himself like he's wanted to do for weeks.

"No. I'm not doing _anything_ until you explain what's going on, Dean." Castiel is _sick_ of not knowing what's happening, or what Dean's thinking, and this is him putting his foot down. He will not be pulled around at Dean's speed anymore. Maybe it's because of the hour, maybe it's from something else, but no matter what was said on Monday, they are going to _talk_ about what the hell is happening right now.

With a frustrated noise, Dean abandons the blanket to scrub his hands over his face. "Sorry, sorry. I –" He looks at Castiel through his fingers before he drops his hands entirely. "I just – I – I need you right now, okay? Just – please?" He makes a loose gesture towards the bedroom and realization finally slips into place. Dean wants him to go into his _bedroom_ with him – while Sam is _home._

Something isn't right. Dean isn't drunk, yet he's abandoning their rules right now. It was always an unspoken rule between them that Castiel does _not_ go into Dean's bedroom at night while Sam is home, and he especially doesn't shut the door. But Dean just said he _needs_ him. Fine, that's acceptable. But in what way? Emotional or physical? If it's for sex, then – Well, right now just really isn't the time for it.

But is that what Dean actually wants? Castiel looks him over, attempting to read his tense form in the darkness. He honestly doesn't see much. If he goes by their history whenever Dean has had a need for him, and taking into account the time of night, he likely wouldn't be too far off the mark to assume that this is about sex.

With a sigh, Castiel drops his arms and shakes his head. "I'm not in the mood for –"

"It's not like that, Cas." Dean shakes his head and reaches out to catch his elbow. "I said I need _you_ , not _sex_." The sincerity in his voice melts away the pain pulsing through Castiel's torso. "Can we – we can finish talking in my room, okay?"

There really is more going on here than what he thought. Castiel bites the inside of his cheek, trying to keep himself from just blindly following what Dean wants him to do. "If we're just going to be _talking_ , then why do I need to make my bed?"

Dean sighs and gives his arm a tug. "My bedroom _is_ used for other things besides sex, y'know." He gestures back over his shoulder at his room. "I just – I'll explain more after, okay?"

Castiel tilts his head slightly, trying to gauge whether or not he really should do this. Something has disturbed Dean in the way one would be after having a nightmare. If he's not looking for sex, but he wants it to look like Castiel isn't here so Sam won't know that he's in his bedroom, then that must mean – does Dean want them to actually _sleep_ together? Even if that's not it, Castiel's heart still manages to trip over itself.

In an attempt to contain himself, he sighs and pulls himself from Dean's grip. He leans over the bed and quickly tucks and pulls the blanket into place. When done, Castiel turns to Dean and gestures for him to return to his bedroom. Again, he crosses his arms if only as a form of defense because whatever might happen after he follows Dean into the bedroom.

The moment the door is closed behind them, Castiel turns to regard Dean again. "What's going on, Dean? Why are you –" Syllables die on his lips as Dean slumps against the wall next to the door and rubs at his eyes. This isn't the shape of a man who _only_ wants to sleep. It's not even the shape of a man with sex on his mind. This – this is the shape of a man who is _troubled_.

Any thought of being on the defensive or being suspicious of Dean's actions are completely dropped from his mind. He steps forward to touch his elbow gently. "Dean, what's wrong?"

By the streetlight coming through the curtains, Castiel sees every broken edge to in Dean's face. His heart twists at that look – like Dean is just barely keeping it together right now. The moment Dean folds forward into him, Castiel's confusion and concern compounds exceptionally. He takes no issue with how Dean wraps his arms around his shoulders and hugs him tightly. Castiel bites back a gasp of surprise at the shuddering breath Dean takes against his throat.

It takes him a moment to make his limbs move. They feel stiff and unwieldy as he gets them around Dean's waist. He fists his hands in his shirt, holding on as tightly as he can. The tighter he holds Dean now, the more he feels like the rock that he needs to be right now. Whatever is happening right now, there is only one thing that Castiel knows for certain – Dean needs him for _comfort_ right now.

"Are you – Dean, are you okay?" He needs to know. He needs to know what exactly Dean wants him to do right now. Any thought of going back to sleep is long gone now. Castiel wants to do nothing more than fix whatever is upsetting Dean right now.

"Would you –" Another trembling breath breaks Dean's sentence and he shudders slightly with the effort to get it all out. "Could you stay? Tonight?" His voice drops into a hoarse, soft whisper. "Please?"

No matter what Castiel has felt over the last few weeks, there really is only one answer he could give right now. Even if he was _furious_ with Dean, he would never be able to pull away from this. He will _always_ be here when Dean needs him.

Castiel nods and moves a hand to rest heavy over the back of Dean's neck. It lingers there only for a few moments before sweeping it gently up into his hair. He repeats the motion, fully aware that he's essentially petting Dean like some kind of animal. Unfortunately, this is the only thing he knows what to do in an attempt to comfort him and he hopes that it's working.

After a short silence, Castiel's hand pauses. "Do you want to talk about what's wrong?"

Dean shakes his head. "I just want to _sleep_." Exhaustion is apparently in the strain of his voice, and Castiel wonders if he's been lying alone in his bed all this time, waiting for sleep that never came.

With gentle pressure, he slowly guides Dean's head back far enough that he can rest their foreheads together. Whenever he was upset as a child, his mother would always do this for him. He has no idea what else he can do to help Dean sleep, but if his mind is being a riotous mess keeping him from sleep, then maybe this will bring him a sense of calm.

It doesn't take long for Dean to breathe a soft sigh, even though he doesn't look away. "I – We can talk tomorrow, okay? I'll tell you everything." His hold tightens slightly. "I promise."

"Whatever you need, Dean." He gives Dean a small, hopeful smile. "I'm here."

Castiel's smile turns victorious when he gets an honest to goodness smile back in return. Dean squeezes him tightly, though the hug  ends far earlier than he wishes it would. They draw apart, though Dean doesn't let go of him entirely. He keeps a hand on Castiel's arm as he turns to lock the bedroom door. The grip slides down until they can lace their fingers together. They only let go of one another when they go to opposite sides of the bed to get under the covers together.

This is the time of night where being horizontal on a comfortable mattress automatically makes one tired. Castiel stretches with a yawn, far too pleased to be back in this bed. It's been too long for his liking and he's missed the large space, the downy comforter, and the very scent of _Dean_ that permeates the entire room.

The power of this bed and the sense of comfort that he gets from it almost immediately zaps his energy. His eyelids grow heavy and he settles back into the pillows with a sigh. A tentative hand brushes his side, sliding slowly over his stomach and Castiel doesn't think twice and lifting his arm out of the way. He makes an attempt to tell Dean that it's more than alright to cuddle up with him. The words may not have been entirely understandable, but the feelings behind them still make it through.

It feels like forever and a day since they last did this. Castiel slides his arm around Dean's shoulders as they fit themselves together. God help him, but it feels so _right_ to have one of Dean's legs rest over his own. He can't believe how much he _missed_ feeling the soft puff of Dean's breath against his jaw while they make themselves comfortable.

In an absent gesture, Castiel's gently draws nonsense designs with his fingertips along Dean's shoulder. There's an arm thrown over his chest, hugging him closer, and Castiel puts a hand over top of it. He wants to keep it there entirely for selfish reasons. It makes him feel needed, but he still wants to give Dean a sense of comfort. He does that with the soft sweep of his thumb drifting back and forth. That small motion starts lulling him back into the sleep he had been woken from.

Castiel doesn't allow himself to drop off until he's sure that Dean has found the peace he needed. It's a struggle, but he remains awake until he feels Dean's breathing even out into the soft push-pull of sleep. Waiting until the tense body beside him relaxes, going loose and soft against him. Then, and only then, does he give in.

*

For the second time in under twenty-four hours, Dean wakes Castiel up when he doesn't want to be woken up. He is jostled awake as Dean rolls over and starts trying to extract himself from his arms. At some point during the night, Castiel turned towards him and tangled their limbs together further. In fact, he's pretty sure he resembles an octopus right now. Honestly, after a few weeks of being deprived of getting to touch and hold Dean, he figures he's built up a backlog that can be dealt with right now.

It's about then when Castiel notices the sound of knocking. With a defiant groan, he pulls Dean back to him and nuzzles his face into the back of his neck. "What is it with you Winchesters wanting to wake me up all the time?"

"Sorry, sorry." Dean mumbles as he squirms free and sits up at the edge of the bed. He's not entirely free because Castiel still has a stubborn hold on his shirt.

When he groans again, Dean hushes him immediately. "Shhh – it's fine. I'll –" Suddenly, he raises his voice sharply and it feels like a slap in the face, rousing Castiel completely. "Sammy! Would you cut it _out_ already?"

Now that he's wide awake again, Castiel can clearly hear Sam's voice through the door. "Dean?"

"Who the hell else would it be?" Dean snaps. Almost immediately, his body sags again and he apologizes for his harsh tone. "Sorry. What is it?"

The silence through the door last long enough that Castiel wonders if Sam walked away. He's proven wrong when the handle jiggles slightly. Once he discovers that the door is locked, Sam settles for continuing to speak through the door. "I'm going to work now. Do you – are you going to pick me up after so we can go to the graveyard together?"

What? _Graveyard_? Castiel lets go of Dean and sits up too, staring hard at the line of Dean's shoulders in the morning light. Did Sam or even Dean ever tell him the exact date of the anniversary of their parents died? He can't recall, but he has a vague memory that this month was important for that reason. It hadn't ever occurred to him that how Dean was acting last night would have been because of that.

"Yeah, Sam." Dean sighs and rubs his hands over his face. "I'll pick you up."

"Okay. Um –" Sam hesitates and the door muffles the majority of his tone. "Text me when you're on your way. It's gonna be – never mind. Bye, Dean."

Since he's technically not supposed to be in here, Castiel holds his tongue until he hears the boom of the front door closing. It still seems prudent to wait another few heartbeats until he's sure that Sam is gone.

He reaches out to place a gentle hand on Dean's shoulder. "I didn't even realize that today is –" The sentence is left hanging, because he doesn't feel right outright saying the significance of the day.

Dean says nothing. All he does his shrug and hangs his head to stare at his hands. It takes some time, but eventually he turns and looks at him. He looks haggard and defeated. No, he looks like he needs a hug, and Castiel is more than capable of doing that. Cool air rushes under the blankets when he pulls them back, but Castiel doesn't mind. It'll be taken care of soon enough as he pats the empty spot next to him in the hopes that Dean will come lie down again.

Further coercion isn't required. Dean crawls back into his spot and they pull the blanket back up to their shoulders. There's space between them this time, and Dean watches him from across it. "Can you stay a little longer? Please?"

As if he would ever refuse this request. There is one thing to be considered though, and Castiel twists to get a good look at the alarm clock. It's just past seven o'clock in the morning. "I don't work until eleven. I can stay with you for another few hours." He has to catch the bus at a quarter after ten if Dean isn't going to get up and drive him. Today of all days, he won't ask for that.

When he settles again, Castiel does it this time with his back to Dean. He starts counting in his head to see how long it takes before – Oh! Castiel barely makes it to a count of two before Dean is pressing up against his back. There's a nose pushing in his hair and a hand pressing down over his stomach, and it feels like heaven. If it weren't such a somber day, Castiel would be utterly delighted by this. He still steals a moment to put his hand over Dean's arm again, lightly stroking his wrist.

To his surprise, Dean moves his arm. It's only a slight movement, but it's enough to put Dean's hand directly under Castiel's own. Slowly but surely, Dean spreads his fingers. Naturally, that leaves Castiel's fingers to either rest directly over his, or rest between them. He knows what _he_ would like to do, but is it what Dean wants too? Oh, what the heck. This day is already well outside the realm of the strict rules he's been trying to keep his relationship with Dean.

It's surprisingly easy for their fingers to slide together. Castiel lets out a soft sigh, happier with this one gesture than he probably should be. He leans back a little more into Dean, seeking everything he hasn't had for the last few weeks. It feels like he's taking advantage of this day to satisfy that incessant part of him that craves for all of this with Dean. That probably makes him a bad person, but it's not like Castiel can stop himself from being _happy_ that he finally has this intimacy again.

Still, it nags at him and getting back to sleep is a lot harder than it was before. While Dean's breathing slows, Castiel stares at the wall and tries to will himself to sleep. It's doesn't seem to be working as well as he wishes it would be. Now that he knows more about the reasons why Dean was so off last night, it's only really brought more questions to light. Why did he turn to _Castiel_ for comfort in the middle of the night? He could just as easily have crawled into Sam's bed. At least Sam actually knows what Dean is really going through right now.

That aside, Castiel is downright _ecstatic_ that Dean picked _him_ for this. Dean turned to _him_ for comfort and he can't even wrap his head around everything that could mean. If there's one thing that Castiel knows, though, is that he wants to be here for him today. He wants to keep being someone that can be depended on to be strong when Dean isn't – when he can't be. But he can’t do that if he's going to be at work all day.

Well, that's an easy enough answer, is it not?

Castiel does his best not to disturb Dean, with a certain level of difficulty, to reach his cell phone. It was moved to the bedside table, and it _is_ within reach. The only problem is that he doesn't want to let go of Dean's hand. Unfortunately, that's the only technically ' _free_ ' hand he has. He's on top of the other one, and that's the arm he's trying to use right now.

Eventually, with as little movement as possible, Castiel manages to get his hand on his phone. He has to one handedly, and rather awkwardly, type a message to Gabriel. It's short, and sweet, asking him to call the café and let them know that he won't be able to make it in today. Hopefully it won't be such short notice that they'll be able to find someone to take the shift. At this point, he doesn't even care what Crowley might think of him. He just can't bring himself to leave Dean's side today unless it's Dean himself who tells him to go.

Of course Gabriel responds quickly. **_Whoa whatwhatWHAT_**

He rolls his eyes and painstakingly types a reply. **_I am not feeling well and Crowley will just talk me into going in. Please deal with him._**

**_Want soup?_ **

Soup? Oh! It's rare that Castiel ever gets sick, but when he does Gabriel always pushes that he should essentially drown himself in chicken soup. **_I'm going to try and sleep it off first._**

**_If you want soup I will be the bringer of soup. SOUP!_ **

A huff of laughter puffs out of him. Castiel bites his lip and holds his breath, waiting to see if that might have woken Dean up. It's a relief when he doesn't stir. He types one last message before putting his phone away. **_If I need soup later, I'll let you know. Just tell Crowley I'm sick and you're taking care of me, please. I'll cover someone else's shift later to make up for this._**

His phone buzzes once more after it gets returned to the bedside table, but Castiel ignores it. Now that he's freed up his schedule for the rest of the day, he feels much better about himself. He _wants_ to be here for Dean, regardless of what capacity that might be. If Dean wants to cuddle with him all day until he goes to the graveyard, then fine. The only line Castiel might draw is if Dean wants to try and use sex to distract him from today.

That satisfies at least part of the buzzing voices in the back of his head. He takes a few deep breaths to try and calm the rest, leaning back into Dean again. Castiel tries focusing on the soft, rhythmic breaths against the back of his neck. They're a reminder that he is needed – he is _wanted_. And really, there's nothing better than knowing that.

*

It feels like he hasn't woken up naturally on his own in a very long time. Castiel opens his eyes and the first thing he sees is a field of golden brown. Dean's hair tickles his nose, and he can't help smiling. If he could wake up to this every morning, he could die happy. Oh, but is it even morning anymore? He doesn't want to move, but Castiel still turns his head to strain to see the alarm clock. It's nearly one o'clock. Well, it's not morning anymore, but he still always wants to wake like this.

He missed the feel of Dean's body against him, of having Dean _on top_ of him. By this point in the afternoon, Dean has managed to become the octopus himself. Castiel has one arm wrapped around his shoulder and he can't stop himself from bring the other up. This is more of a hug than anything else, but it feels so nice. He can't resist pressing his cheek against the top of Dean's head and breathing him in. Even if this is only for today - Even if this is only because Dean doesn't want to be alone – Even if this is something else entirely, Castiel doesn't care.

This is where he always wants to be.

Unfortunately, he doesn't get too long to enjoy the moment. It's only a few minutes later when Dean yawns and shifts against him. He lifts his head slowly, looking around in search of something. Castiel watches him as he seeks out the alarm clock, eyes going wide when he sees the time. Dean pushes himself up onto an elbow and starts slowly trying to guide Castiel's arms off of him. He freezes when he looks up and sees that he's not the only one awake.

"What happened to work?"

Castiel shrugs and puts a hand over his mouth to cover a yawn of his own. "I called in sick." He's interested in seeing what Dean's opinion of that will be.

"But you're not –" Dean gasps and pushes himself up even more. "You _lied_ to them?"

Again, he shrugs. It's not that big of a deal, even if he does pride himself on his honesty. In light of today, though, Castiel is willing to make that personal sacrifice.

His willpower must be weak in the morning because he can't stop himself from running a hand through Dean's hair, a small smile on his lips. "I have more important things to take care of today."

The way Dean looks at him next is the entire reason that Castiel's memory feels like it's wiped clean. He doesn't consider their fight or the state of their friendship right now. The only thing he can think of is the warmth in Dean's eyes and the smile on his lips – the smile that fans the fire in Castiel's chest. His body moves on its own, lifting his head to press a gentle kiss to that smile.

It should only be left at that one kiss, but when Dean pushes into it, Castiel can't resist giving more. He cups Dean's face in his hands and guides him to lay down again. Despite the soft quality of their kisses, each one feels like a breath of fresh air; like the desperate gasp of someone just saved from drowning. It's the first real sense of normalcy he's had in weeks and Castiel has no desire to stop any time soon. His body is a damn _genius_ for starting this and his hands are pretty smart too. They touch all they can during the kisses; hair, neck, back, cheeks, and repeat.

This is entirely selfish, but Castiel hopes Dean doesn't mind. In fact, he hopes that this helps him. He won't sit and analyze the whys and why nots of doing this. For once, Castiel just wants to enjoy this – especially while he can. If Dean realizes that they shouldn't be doing this, then he can call an end to it. Right now, Castiel just wants the kisses to take their natural course.

Unsurprisingly, the natural course is to eventually come to an end. But even then Castiel isn't upset with it. They find themselves on their sides facing each other. But, though the kisses have ended, the touching does not. Dean seems just as intent as Castiel is to map everything they haven't had the nerve to reach for in the last few weeks. It's surprising to find just how much he missed the feel of Dean's fingers raking through his hair or the trace of a fingertip along his cheek.

As their hands start to slow, eventually coming to rest over their waists as they move a little closer, Castiel's memories and brain come back with a vengeance. Dean had promised last night that they were going to talk – that he was going to explain everything. There has to be a reason why Dean has been avoiding talking about everything, besides how talking makes things _change_. Why is he so afraid of that? The only unfavourable change Castiel can see coming from them talking is that they bring an end to their arrangement and return to simply being nothing more than friends – if that is at all possible.

With some effort, Castiel forces himself to prepare for that decision. He wraps his heart in steel and starts burying his emotions one by one. The conversation they're going to have needs to be faced with a clear head unhindered by his feelings. Those are nothing but selfish and desperate and he doesn't want Dean to see the childish side of him that doesn't want to give any of this up. It isn't up to him whether this comes to an end or not, no matter how much he hates it.

Dean's hand comes to rest against Castiel's cheek, his thumb running along the edge of his jaw. It's all he can do not to lean into that touch. No matter how much he tries to get a handle on his emotions, a part of him is still terrified that this might be one of the last times he gets to feel it.

The last thing he expects is for Dean to close his eyes and sigh a few words. "You go first."

Castiel inhales sharply, surprised. He's not as ready as he thought he was. The responsibility of starting their conversation is a heavy weight on his shoulders. What he chooses could direct the conversation itself. He needs to be very careful with what he asks or says. Anything might send Dean running and bring about the end that he's so very afraid of. And yet there are just so many questions that he wants answered too.

After much deliberation, he picks one. Even still, he asks it carefully – hoping against hope that it's an acceptable question. "What cause the fight in the first place?"

It takes a minute, but Dean finally opens his eyes. There's a frown ticking at the edges of his mouth, but it never fully forms. "You went on a date with Meg."

That's one extremely large suspicion confirmed, although Castiel feels no satisfaction from it. He wants to make absolutely sure that he's not assuming things incorrectly. Maybe, with some careful wording, he can lead the conversation in a way that will get Dean to outright say _why_ going on that date upset him so much.

"And you didn't want me to go out with her?"

Dean looks away, his gaze dropping to the pillow. "Not _just_ her."

Well now. Isn't _that_ interesting? Castiel can't keep his surprise from showing. He had thought that perhaps it was just Meg because Dean already didn't like her to start with. In either case, Meg was right about the jealousy thing and Castiel should probably thank her for pointing that out. An apology would be in order as well.

"So, do you…" He stops and quickly rewords his question. "You don't want me to date anyone?"

The pinched look that Dean gives him is all the answer Castiel needs. It looks like someone just force fed him a plate full of his most hated vegetable. Nothing is said _verbally_ , but Castiel feels that he knows him well enough to read it in his expressions. Now, that brings up even more questions, assuming that their arrangement is still in effect.

"If we're still defining our arrangement by the majority of the rules you laid down when we started –"

"I _know_ what I said, okay?" Dean cuts him off with a sharp shake of his head.

His grip on Castiel's waist tightens slightly, but he doesn't follow up with anything further. In fact, Dean has reached the point in the conversation, as short as it has been, where he can no longer look Castiel in the eye. That's a telling factor in many things, but Castiel refuses to let things end here. He _needs_ closure now – either for it to be the end of their relationship, or to change the rules they live it by. The next question that he asks needs to be one that will get the ball moving on that.

There's only one question coming to mind to achieve that and Castiel is almost too scared to ask it. He takes some time to gather his courage before asking; "Are you still not looking for a relationship?"

The moment the words leave his mouth, Dean's eyes grow wide and his gaze snaps up to meet Castiel's immediately. His next breath is a stuttered one, clearly caught unawares by the question. Or, perhaps, is it the use of the word ' _relationship'_? Additionally, it could possibly be that he might be thinking the question could mean that Castiel wants what Dean doesn't. No matter how true that might be, he won't confirm it until he knows for certain if Dean would be open to having one.

Something seizes painfully in Castiel’s chest when Dean pulls away to sit up. Did the conversation really scare him that much? Not only is that ridiculous, but it’s unacceptable. Dean promised him an explanation for everything and they have only seen the tip of the iceberg, so to speak. No, _no_. Castiel will not let things end like this. If they leave things as they are, Castiel knows without a doubt that they’re going to have a repeat of that fight one day.

Before he even realizes what he’s doing, Castiel throws an arm around Dean’s chest and drags him right down to the pillows. He needs to say something – _anything_ to calm him down. This conversation needs to happen, regardless of Dean’s aversion to relationships.

He cups Dean’s face and forces him to look at him, to meet his eyes. “I’m not asking for _us_ to have one, Dean.” It might be what he wants in the long run, but it’s _not_ what he’s asking right now. “Please, just let me finish. Listen to me for just a minute.”

Dean nods slowly, but he doesn’t try to pull away and Castiel considers that a victory, however small it might be. He sighs and thanks Dean with a small smile. “Thank you. What I was trying to say is that you and I –” He takes a deep breath to force out the rest. “We can’t be _just_ fuck buddies if you’re going to get jealous of any potential partners of mine.”

To keep Dean from interrupting, Castiel places his thumbs over his lips. He has to resist the urge to stroke them gently because they are just _too_ soft. No, no. This is not the time to think about it. He’s about to ask a _very_ important question – one that is going to affect _a lot_ of what the rest of this conversation is going to be like.

Castiel takes another deep breath. “I’m only asking if the reason you were getting jealous is because you want – do you want _more_?” He presses his thumb just a little harder against Dean’s lips before moving his hand entirely so he can answer.

With a shrug, Dean slowly twists his fingers in Castiel’s shirt. “No, I don’t –”

He stops short the moment Castiel closes his eyes. Oh God. He knew that was a possible answer, but he wasn’t at all prepared to hear it. A sick feeling spreads through his chest to settle in his stomach. Now what else are they going to talk about? If Dean doesn’t want a relationship, well Castiel doesn’t really know what else he can say, or do, or – or anything.

Dean tugs at his shirt slightly to get his attention. “I – I don’t know, Cas.”

“You don’t _know_?” Castiel opens his eyes to frown at him in confusion. That makes no sense. How does Dean not know if he does or doesn’t want a relationship? It seems like a fairly simple answer, more or less – especially considering his jealous episode with Meg.

Once again, Dean becomes able to meet Castiel’s eyes. He drops them to look at his hands and he shrugs again to let go of the shirt. “Relationships mess things up. They’re full of emotions and people get hurt in them. I don’t want –” He pauses to lick his lips. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

Oh. _Oh_. That’s – well, that is certainly something to be worried about and it’s inexplicably sweet. Castiel takes Dean’s hands between them and gives them a gentle squeeze. “And I don’t want _you_ to be hurt, Dean. But you seem intent on making things difficult for yourself.”

“It’s not like I _want_ to feel like this!” Dean jerks his hands free and turns onto his stomach. He presses his face into the pillow to muffle a loud groan.

That piques Castiel’s interest. He lays a hand over Dean’s back and rubs gently. “Feel like what?”

“I don’t fucking _know_ , Cas.” Dean shakes his head, his words still muffled. “I just – I don’t know. It’s all fucked up now.”

Castiel sighs and looks at the opposite wall for a moment. He continues rubbing Dean’s back while he tries to think about what in the world he’s going to do now. It’s not ideal, but if Dean doesn’t know what he wants to do, would it be better if they just – Dear God, just _thinking_ about it hurts.

 He closes his eyes and takes a few deep breaths. As much as he doesn’t want to ask this, he needs to, even if he asks it through clenched teeth. “Would you feel better if we dissolved our arrangement and returned to our previous non-sexual friendship?”

The question has barely left his lips before Dean is shaking his head. Blindly, he reaches out to put an arm around Castiel’s waist and he pulls him in slowly. That’s a clear invitation if ever he saw one and he moves in to press up against Dean’s side. Alright, then. This is a good sign. It means that Dean _does_ want their arrangement to continue despite his indecision about a relationship. At least Castiel doesn’t have to worry about whether they’ll ever get to do this again or not.

This is such a relieve and Castiel rests his chin against Dean’s shoulder. “What if I told you that I’m not looking, nor am I interested, in dating anyone else at this time?”

Dean lifts his head to stare at him. “Huh?”

“I’m happy with our arrangement, Dean.” He moves his hands to Dean’s shoulder and gives it a little push, trying to make him roll over a little more. The urge to be close to him right now is growing stronger the more confident Castiel gets now that he knows Dean doesn’t want things to end either. “I enjoy what we do together – both the sexual moments and the intimate ones.”

Confusion fills Dean’s face as he rolls over enough to let Castiel worm underneath him. “Aren’t those the same thing?”

“Are they?” It never occurred to him that he might need to teach Dean the difference between the two, but at least it’s somewhere to start. He draws his thumb over Dean’s cheek and smiles. “We’re being intimate right now without being sexual. I’m content with how things are, Dean. Are you?”

He coughs and lowers his head to rest it on Castiel’s shoulder. “Yes?”

Now that is certainly cause for concern. “You’re not?”

“No, I –” Dean shakes his head and moves down to hide his face against Castiel’s neck . “I like having sex with you. And I like having you around – having you close. Like this and, y’know, not this.”

That warms Castiel from the inside out and he doesn’t bother hiding his smile now that Dean can’t see it. He can blame that warmth for why he asks the next question without stopping to think about how it reveals more of what he wants than he might be willing to divulge. “You like all those things with me… but you still don’t want to try a relationship?”

Dean inhales slowly against his throat and shakes his head. “I don’t want to hurt you. Not again.”

As nice as that is, that doesn’t quite satisfy him. Not _all_ relationships end badly. Some of them end well, and some of them never end at all. But that doesn’t mean that they should never at least _try_. “And you’re convinced that if we cross that line, things between us will only end in heartache?”

For a long moment, he gets no answer, but eventually, Dean nods and Castiel sighs softly. Well, that makes it clear what has to happen now, doesn’t it? Where he wants a relationship, Dean doesn’t. Yet they both agree that they like the arrangement – likely to different degrees, but that isn’t important right now. What _is_ important is making sure that Dean is comfortable with how things are between them. They can never return to how they were before if they don’t figure this out _now_.

Regardless, Castiel knows one thing: as long as he continues this arrangement with Dean, he is never going to even so much as look at another person in a romantic way – and most definitely not in a sexual one. In essence, Castiel is basically going to be in a relationship with Dean without actually being in a relationship. It might be rather one sided, but that’s what it will be nonetheless.

“Then we simply won’t cross that line or label our arrangement as such.” Castiel turns his head to speak against the side of Dean’s head. “I will be exclusive with you if only because I’m not interested in anyone else –” No, he’s interested in _Dean_ , and how long will it take for him to see that? “– and until such a time, if ever, that I find someone that I do take interest in who would also be open to having a relationship with me.” Which will probably be never.

Dean nods again and tightens his hold on him. “Are you gonna be looking?”

“Not actively, no.” Not while he still thinks the world of Dean. “I doubt it will happen any time soon.”

After a brief silence, Dean shifts slightly. “What about me?”

The question catches Castiel by surprise enough to the point that he holds his breath while he thinks about it. Does that mean what he thinks it means? Does Dean really want to know what Castiel wants of him? This is where he could say that he doesn’t like how Dean goes out and sleeps with other people. This is where he could say that he wishes Dean would be exclusive with him too.

No, he can’t say any of that. The only thing he can do is repeat Dean’s question back at him. Maybe, just maybe, he can get Dean to _tell_ him what he’s willing to do. “What about you?”

He regrets asking the question, if only because it makes Dean shrug and roll away again. “I dunno. I mean –” He stutters slightly as Castiel rolls into his side again, refusing to let their cuddling end. Dean puts an arm around him, but he takes a moment to piece together his thoughts again. “I mean – Are you going to want me to be exclusive to you too? Like, with the same exceptions or whatever?”

“Not if you don’t want to be.” Castiel rests his head on Dean’s shoulder and amuses himself with tracing the design on the front of his shirt. “I want you to be happy, Dean.”

Dean sighs and gives his shoulders a squeeze. “Yeah, but I want _you_ to be happy too, Cas.”

Now that really is _so_ sweet. Castiel actually laughs at it, though it’s just a small huff. “I _am_ happy, Dean.”

He’s never _been_ happier than has been since their arrangement starting – and especially since he switched majors. The last few weeks have been rough, of course, but it’s not like that’s going to be a normal thing between them. Since _this_ is making Castiel happy again, would it make Dean Maybe – _maybe_ he can get Dean to understand that the majority of that happiness is because of him? If he states it outright, that might freak Dean out, but to say it in a roundabout way might not. If he comes to that conclusion on his own, that might make Dean a little happier. Possibly.

“Remember when you asked me a long time ago if I was happy?” Castiel starts carefully, testing the waters. When Dean nods, he bites back a smile. “Well, I’m happier now than I was then. I was lucky and I’ve been given some of the things that I wanted.” Like – oh, for example: _Dean_.

For that admission, he gets another tight squeeze to his shoulders. Dean even presses a kiss to Castiel’s forehead. This is a good reaction and Castiel closes his eyes with a sigh, growing happier by the minute. Maybe he _did_ get his message through to Dean. And even if he didn’t, this is fine. If he could, he would rather that they stay like this forever. He knows it’s not possible, but that would be nice.

After a while, Dean clears his throat with a cough. “Hey – uh – I’ve been unintentionally exclusive to you too, by the way.”

Hold on. “What?” Castiel lifts his head sharply, unable to contain his wonder. This must be a dream. There’s no way he could have heard that right. Did Dean just say that he’s been – that he _hasn’t_ been with – No, no. This is definitely a dream. That’s just not possible.

“I haven’t slept with anyone else since before you finished your exams.” Dean looks away with a shrug, but it’s not enough to cover the very _real_ blush working across his cheek.

Dear God, someone pinch him. Castiel can’t get any part of his face or body to move like it’s supposed to. All he can do is stare at Dean like an idiot because he can’t wrap his brain around this. Has he – has he _really_ not slept with anyone else for the last few months? Even that weekend when he didn’t come home and went to the bar every night? Really? That’s just – that’s – that’s something he doesn’t even have words for.

When he doesn’t respond, Dean glances back at him. He shrugs again and reaches up to run a nervous hand through his hair. “Just – I dunno. Maybe that’s a thing that you might want to know?”

Yes, yes it absolutely is. And Castiel is _overjoyed_ to have learned this. He’s so delighted that he even misses when he leans in to kiss him. Once he’s started, he can’t stop. Castiel continues kissing Dean in quick little pecks, too happy to care if this is the right time for it or not. This is better than he could have ever hoped. It’s as close to Dean being _his_ as he’s likely ever going to get, and it is _wonderful_.

Castiel brings a hand to Dean’s face to hold him steady while he kisses him. It wasn’t too long ago when Dean told him to do what makes him happy. He’s done just that, but now the time has come for Castiel to remind him of that excellent advice.

“Do what makes you happy, Dean.” He whispers it into a kiss, hoping that what they’re doing right now is something that makes him happy.

With a groan, Dean rolls over on top of him again. He starts kissing Castiel with earnest, deepening it in ways he hasn’t done in weeks. It’s absolute perfection and he ignores everything and anything that might distract from this. As long as they can continue doing this, Castiel is sure that he’ll be happy for a long time yet. He could always be happier, but this is just perfect and he couldn’t ask for more.

Although _he_ won’t stop for anything, Dean is a separate matter. The moment his stomach grumbles loud enough for Castiel to hear it, he pulls away with a sigh. “Sorry, Cas, but it’s food time.” He sits up and rubs a hand over his face. “And it’s about time we get started with the day, don’t you think?”

“Is that code for saying that you need to use the washroom?” Because that’s becoming an increasing need for Castiel too, but he doesn’t want to move if Dean is still willing to hold him close and kiss him.

“Don’t ruin the mystery, Cas.” Dean rolls his eyes and swings around to get up. “Now c’mon. We’ll make some sandwiches and chill out until I gotta go pick up Sam.”

That sounds like a good plan to him. With his speed alone, Castiel manages to get into the bathroom before Dean even manages to change his clothes. When they switch out, he gets started on the sandwiches and takes his time with it. It’s not long before Dean is finished and returns to the kitchen with him. In an interesting and welcome turn of events, Dean apparently still seems to be in need of comfort because he can’t seem to keep his hands to himself.

Castiel is in the midst of pulling out the ingredients from some simple peanut butter and jam sandwiches when Dean comes up behind him to wrap him in his arm. He rests his chin on Castiel’s shoulder and hums softly. In no time at all, they slowly start to rock to that tune. It feels _so good_ and he can’t resist leaning into him. This isn’t likely to happen again for a while, given how Sam hasn’t given them time alone in weeks, and Castiel wants to enjoy it as much as he can while he can.

He’s putting one completed sandwich aside when Dean presses his nose behind his ear and quietly asks; “I know we’ve sorta talked about it, and I apologized and everything  –” Dean hesitates when Castiel goes still to the point that he almost holds his breath, bracing himself for this to turn to the worst again. “– but Sam said – He said I scared him that night, and that I scared you too. Were you – Did I – I know you were mad, but were you scared of me too?”

Oh thank God. He had been expecting something much worse than that. With a sigh, Castiel relaxes and shakes his head. “Everyone else seems to be more upset with you about Sunday than I was. The majority of my anger stems from what happened on that _Friday_ night.”

“Really?” There’s an edge of hope to Dean’s voice and he clearly perks up more.

Since Dean has already divulged his feelings on what happened, more or less, it’s time for Castiel to take the metaphorical plunge too. “A much as I appreciate Sam’s company, he doesn’t need to watch over us to ensure that I am alright in your company. I was unhappy that you were drunk and I wasn’t entirely pleased that you woke me up and sat on me while refusing to leave, but I –” He exhales slowly, forcing himself to finish his sentence. “But I was more upset that you disappeared all weekend and weren’t answering anyone’s calls.”

With a soft sigh, Dean rests his cheek against the back of Castiel’s neck. “I was kind of a wreck that weekend, in case you didn’t notice.”

It would have been impossible to miss that, but that doesn’t change anything. “It must have escaped my attention while I was being worried over how I left you Friday night.” He puts the last sandwich together and plates it too.

Dean’s arms tense around him slightly, pulling him in closer. “I already told you that I –”

“I’m aware.” It doesn’t matter what was told to him. “But I was still disappointed in _myself_.”

It’s not going to change that what happened that Friday night was just one big mistake of more reasons than one, and it’s time that Dean knows why. Castiel leaves the sandwiches and turns in Dean’s arms to face him, looping his arms around his shoulders. This is a much better position to talk in.

 “Regardless of whether or not that could be counted as a ‘ _scene_ ’, the sex was very – it was extremely _different_ from our norm and I should _never_ have left my partner like that.” Castiel lowers his head, unable to meet Dean’s eyes. He can’t ever forget how horrible that weekend felt when Dean didn’t come home. “It could have been extremely damaging to your emotionally and I was terrified that you were suffering from a sub-drop and –”

And it gets very difficult to continue when Dean puts a hand over his mouth. His jaw has gone slack and surprise flickers bright through his eyes. “Hold the phone. _Sub-drop_? _Scene_?” He blinks several times and shakes his head in disbelief. “You’ve been reading up on BDSM and stuff?”

“Possibly.” He shrugs the question off. Dean was going to find out about his interest in that eventually. Aside from the bondage they’ve done, they haven’t really explored any other aspects of BDSM yet. But that’s not the point. “I wanted to make sure you were definitely alright when we had lunch together on the following Monday, but you were so –”

It’s hard to find the right words for it and Castiel glances down between them. “You were so _distant_.” Yes, that feels like the best word to describe how the last few weeks have felt. “I thought it would best to allow you to make the next move, so I’ve been holding back to respect your space and give you the time to work through everything that happened.”

Dean continues to stare at him as if he can’t quite believe what he’s hearing. Castiel likens the look to what he must have had earlier when he learned that he’s had Dean all to himself for the last few months. While he certainly enjoys having the one up on Dean, as it were, Castiel would also like to have something to eat. Preferably, he would like to eat in close proximity to Dean, perhaps where they can still continue to cuddle. He’s not quite ready to give that up just yet.

To his delight, Castiel gets no objects to this plan. He hands Dean the plate with his sandwich and leads him to the couch. They can watch something on TV to clear their minds and then maybe, once they’re done eating, they can go back to the bedroom. It is _much_ more comfortable to cuddle on a bed than it is to cuddle on a couch. Plus, the bedroom has a nice warm blanket on it that Castiel adores. He doesn’t care if it’s the middle of July, he wants to be under that thing always.

By some miracle of God, that Is exactly how they spend the rest of their afternoon – or, at least until the alarm on Dean’s phone rings. With a groan, Dean pulls away from their lazy kisses to silence the damn thing. They both know what that means. He needs to get up now if he wants to leave on time to pick Sam up from his job. While Castiel completely understands why Dean has to leave, he wishes he didn’t have to go.

Sighing, Dean settles back to rest their foreheads together again. “Come with me?”

The request catches Castiel by surprise, but his answer is immediate. “Of course.” He honestly hadn’t expected to be invited to such an important family moment. Castiel feels _beyond_ honoured that Dean would ask him to come. Hopefully Sam won’t mind.

With one last kiss, they pull apart and get up to get ready. Castiel doesn’t exactly dress up for the occasion, but he definitely puts on some of his nicer clothes. This is, essentially, the first time that he’s going to be meeting Dean’s parents. It doesn’t matter if they’re dead or not. He still wants to make a good first impression and he wants to pay his respects properly. If only they had the time to pick up some flowers or any sort of gift that he could leave as an offering of respect.

Dean doesn’t seem too concerned about the lack of flowers as they head down to the garage. He makes no mention of stopping to get anything or anyone besides Sam. When the get into the car, Dean turns on his classic music – the ones that Castiel knows for a fact are all songs that his parents loved to listen to. The car and the music are memories of his parents and Castiel is more than happy to be included in the quiet reminiscing.

Once they’re on the road, Dean reaches over to tug Castiel’s hand to rest in the middle of the seat between them. Castiel smiles and lets him lace their fingers together, even giving Dean’s hand a squeeze to let him know that it is absolutely fine if he wants to hold hands while they drive. They share smiles between one another all the way from the apartment to Sam’s job. Then and only then is when Dean lets go of his hand.

It’s not much of a surprise to find Jess standing next to Sam when they pull up in front of the store. She has a large bouquet of flowers in her arms and Castiel is delighted by it. Perhaps he split the cost of them with her and at least feel like he’s contributed something to this outing. His presence can’t count for that much, can it? Either way, he’s happy to see that neither Sam nor Jess look upset that he’s here too. In fact, they both light up with smiles and get into the backseat without question.

This isn’t the first time that Castiel feels like he’s a part of the Winchester family and he hopes that it won’t be the last.


	34. Chapter 34

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Cas –” Dean pauses, but it’s more than enough to show just how wrecked his voice is. “Cas, do you want me to touch you?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Chapter content warnings are at the end of chapter. Please click the link below to see them.**
> 
> This chapter takes place before and during [Chapter 16](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/5131361) of the _A Little Patience_ story line.

It’s been _weeks_ since he’s gotten any significant form of physical affection from Dean and Castiel feels like a dying man crawling through the Sahara. As such, it’s no surprise that he’s clinging to Dean like he’s the only oasis in the desert. He drinks their kisses in like they’re the sweetest ambrosia bringing him back from the brink.

Castiel slides that little bit closer on the couch, holding himself back from actually climbing into Dean’s lap. He winds his arms around his shoulders just a bit tighter than before. This should be enough for him, but it’s not. There’s so much more that he wants right now, but he can’t bring himself to ask for it because _Dean_ hasn’t asked for it either. Normally Castiel _loves_ when they kiss, but he can’t shake the feeling that things still aren’t back to how they usually are.

For example; Dean’s hands. Whenever they would kiss in the past, Dean’s hands rarely ever held still for long. But now they’re anchored in the small of Castiel’s back, fisted tightly in his shirt. They don’t roam like they used to or slowly but surely work him up. There’s no groping, or gentle caresses; no fingers running through his hair or tugging at it gently. And Castiel can’t decide if it’s because Dean is _afraid_ of touching him, or if it’s something else entirely.

Though this is just one part of what he’s been craving for the last few weeks, he is fairly satisfied with it. If this is all Dean is willing to give right now, then Castiel will accept and treasure it. Maybe the reason they’re not touching each other like they used to is because there’s no telling when Sam is going to be home? Except, that never really stopped Dean before. _Nothing_ has really ever stopped Dean from getting a few good gropes in whenever they make out.

Maybe – it’s possible that Dean might be _waiting_ for Castiel to initiate the touches? When they first started up this relationship, Dean was the one who made the first move. Perhaps that means it’s his turn to start it. But – and this is what gives Castiel pause –what if Dean doesn’t want it anymore? Maybe this is enough to satisfy him now? Maybe – no. He can’t waste his time with humming and hawing over this situation. The only way he’ll know is if he asks or tries for more. In either case, if Dean doesn’t want it, he’ll tell Castiel to stop.

With some awkward maneuvering to get his hands between them, Castiel eventually manages to work his hands up and under Dean’s shirt. It earns him a pleased hum that vibrates through their kisses. He leans more into Castiel’s side, his arms tightening around him. This is approval if Castiel ever saw one and he has to fight the urge to smile. It would ruin their kisses and that’s the last thing he wants right now. If he had to choose, the kisses are the only thing Castiel would want to last forever.

And that’s when the horror of all horrors happens. The both of them freeze the moment they hear the sound of a key sliding into the lock of the door. They pull apart quickly as it the lock turns and the bolt slides free. Dean scrambles to fix his shirt, sitting forward to quickly tuck it back into his pants. Castiel scrubs the back of his hand over his mouth and quickly pushes both through his hair in a futile attempt to make it look at least a little bit normal. Somehow, Dean always manages to mess it up before his hands settle at their final destination.

The door opens, but is almost immediately stopped by the chain. Sam’s sigh can be heard through the crack. “Aw, c’mon, Cas. Not again!”

“Sorry, Sam.” He leans back on the couch to lift the chain. “It’s such a habit for me.” And it’s one that he’s carefully cultivated for moments _exactly_ like this. Sam is also the reason why they always have the TV on when they make out on the couch, just to aid the illusion.

“Hey guys.” Now that the door is unlocked, Sam can enter with a proper greeting. “What’s up?”

Dean shrugs and gives him an over the shoulder wave with the remote. “Just trying to find something good on TV.

Castiel nods and shrugs in agreement. Neither one of them look back at Sam. If he can see their faces, their previous activities are likely written all over them. And Castiel doesn’t know just how much of his thoughts might be showing too. Right now he’s thinking some very unkind things about one of his best friends. He was just _so close_ to getting everything back again, and he lost his grip on that oasis because of Sam’s truly impeccable timing.

Well, maybe he can try again later?

*

Later is less than a week away. Castiel comes home from a truly grueling week at the café to the news that Sam is spending the night at Jess’s apartment. It’s the best thing he’s heard all week and he completely rushes dinner and his after-work shower so he can get started on trying to woo Dean again. He picks something simple to wear that can be removed at a moment’s notice. Once he’s dressed, he sits on the edge of his bed and watches as Dean putters around the kitchen and living room with cleaning up.

Castiel just needs to find the perfect moment to pounce, so to speak. He wouldn’t _actually_ pounce, because that would just be ridiculously forward, would it not? His intention is to show that he’s interested in starting up their sexual relationship again, not make it completely obvious that he’s getting rather _desperate_ here.

While there’s a small part of him that craves for the intimacy of naked touches and close breaths, of their bodies moving together and the orgasmic high that brings. He really just wants to know that Dean still wants him – like that and, well, not like that. All he really needs is a confirmation that everything between the two of them is alright and things can go back to _normal_.

It wouldn’t be right for him to pounce either. While his week at the café has been difficult by no small words, he knows that Dean has had a troublesome week as well. He’s been working quite hard at the garage and it’s very possible that he might be exhausted. Castiel knows that he’s rather tired himself, but he wants to at least _try_ tonight. They don’t get very many chance like this without Sam around – especially since the _incident_.

Well, it’s as good a time as any to try again. “Dean?”

“Yeah, Cas?” He pokes his head out of the kitchen, eyebrow raised.

And just like that, Castiel feels like he forgets entirely how to look enticing. Is that even possible in sweat pants and a t-shirt? What should he say? How have they done it in the pornos that they’ve watched? Oh dear God, he can’t remember. His mind is blank and the only thing in it is an overwhelming amount of _awkwardness_ and that’s not showing any sign of clearing up now that Dean is looking like he’s getting more confused by the second.

“I –” That’s all that he can get out before he has to clear his throat. “I was wondering what you’re plans for the evening were?”

Dean steps out of the kitchen with a plate and a cloth in hand, clearly in the midst of drying it. “Uh – I didn’t really have any. You’re kinda looking at it, I guess.”

Castiel leans back on his hands in some attempt to look alluring. “So, nothing else comes to mind?” It’s a small miracle that he managed to say that without stuttering.

The first thing Dean does is open his mouth. He closes it a moment later and steps back into the kitchen. Castiel doesn’t even get a chance to feel disappointed. Seconds later, Dean is coming back into the living room while drying his hands on his shirt. There’s an edge of determination in his stride and Castiel reads it loud and clear. He slides back on the bed and leans back on the pillow. Dean licks his lips, but doesn’t miss a beat with crawling onto the mattress after him.

Yes, this is _exactly_ what Castiel wanted. He pulls Dean to him with hungry hands, itching to touch and to hold. They meet for a messy kiss, lips slick but familiar. One of them breathes a happy hum, and Castiel isn’t entirely sure that it’s him. Now it’s just a matter of time before they lose their clothing and he gets the satisfaction of knowing that things are more or less back to normal between them. He doesn’t like that it’s a physical relationship he needs to confirm that, but it’s the basis of their relationship if you don’t count the friendship that started it all. Of course, he could never forget that. Their friendship is one of the most precious things Castiel has experienced in his life and first and foremost he doesn’t want to lose that.

It’s only a matter of minutes before it becomes obvious that his wish isn’t going to be granted tonight either. Or, at least, not right now. No matter how much Castiel wants this, his body doesn’t seem to be in agreement. The kisses are wonderful, and Dean has started rocking against him where they lie, but his body just isn’t _reacting_ to it like he usually does. Normally by now he would be half hard at the very least, if not immediately aroused. That’s the effect Dean always has on him and this – Well, it’s just downright _frustrating_ that this isn’t the same.

And the worst thing is that Castiel is fairly sure that he isn’t getting hard either. While Dean is absolutely eagerly participating in the kisses, he doesn’t seem very aroused. If his memories serve, more often than not Dean would be hard within moments if not before they started. At this point, the kissing is the most interesting thing happening between them.

Is it because they’re both very tired from their busy week? It’s entirely possible. Castiel will have to do a bit of work to keep himself from over thinking and being disappointed by this, because it’s not the end of the world. Even if they don’t have sex tonight, at least they could spend a good long time kissing. Compared to the alternative, this is an absolutely spectacular thing to do.

*

Not more than a few days ago, Dean surprised him at work and Castiel was _overjoyed_ by it. They spent his break sitting together and talking at the table where he used to sit. He had taken some initiative and rubbed his foot up and down Dean’s calf when he thought no one was looking. Dean seemed to like it, and they were both in exceedingly good moods afterwards. Things seemed to be looking up, and yet Castiel feels like he’s going out of his mind because _nothing has happened_.

Is he going to have to resort to drastic measures to kick start their sexual relationship again? It’s certainly starting to seem so. How else is he going to ensure that Dean is still interested in him – even if it is just _sexually_? He’ll have to spend today, his day off, thinking about what sort of things he could do. Dean is at work and Sam works the evening shift, so he won’t be leaving for a while yet. That leaves Castiel _plenty_ of time to work with. He’s fairly certain that he can come up with something interesting.

Or, at least, that was what he was hoping for. But by the time Sam leaves for work, he hasn’t made any progress. On the bright side, Sam left with an overnight bag and the intention of staying over at Jess’s place again. And Castiel still has a few hours before Dean is due home. Whatever he comes up with between now and then needs to be appealing enough to catch Dean’s attention and make him want to participate, but it also needs to be something that wouldn’t be a turn off for Castiel. Because even though Castiel liked their evening of making out, he would rather not have another one of those.

Well, alright. That’s a bald faced lie. Castiel wants every night to be one full of kisses, but not _just_ those. He wants their nights to be filled with kisses, and cuddling, and lying together. But despite all that, it really feels like sex is the only way he can reaffirm for himself that Dean really does want him and isn’t just playing along with his whims. If they were in a real relationship, he likely wouldn’t have this paranoia that any moment now Dean is going to realize he liked it better when he was sleeping with random people and leave.

That paranoia stays burning bright at the back of Castiel’s mind as he struggles to think of something to do. The closer it gets to Dean coming home, the more worried he becomes. His brain actually _hurts_ from how hard he’s been wracking with trying to come up with something spectacularly sexy. He tries not to think about how this probably isn’t even necessary. Dean would probably be more than happy to sleep with him no matter what he did, but Castiel still wants to make this at least somewhat special.

He spends some time trying to remember all the things that have gotten Dean _really_ going whenever they’ve had sex in the past. Just about the only thing he can think of is that he really seemed to like it whenever Castiel had started without him. There have been plenty of times where he’s been naked and waiting for Dean to come home. Castiel could do that again, but what about the _presentation_? That’s almost as important as the actual act.

When he has less than an hour and a half to go before Dean finishes his shift, it comes time for desperate measures – so to speak. _Porn_. He ends up seated at the desk in Dean’s room with his laptop booted up. There are nearly endless options hidden in these videos, and yet it only takes Castiel fast forwarded through five of them before he knows what to do.

First things first, he sends Dean a text message. **_I’m getting hungry. What time are you going to be home?_** As if he doesn’t already have Dean’s shift schedule memorized along with the average time it takes him to drive home from the garage.

Dean answers within minutes. **_4 the love of GOD don’t touch the stove!!! I’ll b home 20min after shift!!!_**

Excellent. That gives him more than enough time to get everything prepared – including himself. Castiel starts with getting the materials needed. In this case, it’s one of the three coils of rope he purchased, the rope handcuffs, his eye mask, and the vibrator with its remote. The only good place he can think of to enact his plan is in the bathroom, so he puts everything in there for the time being.

The bathroom is in the only place in the apartment where they have something he can tie the rope to, in a manner of speaking. He’s just going to have to make sure that he doesn’t pull too hard on the shower bar, otherwise it might break. Being tied up with his arms above his head is more for him than it is for Dean, but this is about the both of them anyways. He really enjoyed it when he had his hands tied to the bed that night they first tried the vibrator.

Once he has his materials prepared, Castiel bides his time. He waits until it’s twenty minutes before the end of Dean’s shift before he takes a shower. It’s a hot shower meant to clean him up in more ways than one. When was the last time he touched himself during a shower? He honestly can’t remember, but it’s nice either way. Castiel takes his time with stroking himself until he’s hard and a fire has started to burn in his belly.

It’s only _after_ his shower, once he’s dried off, that he takes the time to work himself open with one foot propped up on the edge of the tub. He does it with the hope that he might have more than just the vibrator in him tonight, but even if he doesn’t that will be okay. As long as he gets some kind of reaction out of Dean, he’ll be happy. Either way, it’s still Dean he thinks about touching him, wishing that it was Dean’s fingers pushing deep and spreading him open.

Once he determines that he’s ready, Castiel ties the handcuffs to the rope and measures it out on the shower bar. It takes some experimenting to find a length that would keep his arms stretched above his head so that they’re comfortable but still obviously restrained. The nature of the rope handcuffs allows him to escape from them whenever he wishes, but hopefully he’ll still get the helpless feeling that he enjoys so much.

After that’s tied in place, he puts the eye mask on. His heart rate picks up the moment his world goes dark. This is starting to get exciting and Castiel hopes that Dean will like it just as much as he is right now. He does the rest of his preparation by touch, feeling his way blindly through the bathroom to confirm that the bathroom door is mostly closed. It takes a bit of time to find where he left the vibrator and the lube, but as soon as his hands close around those, his mouth goes dry with anticipation.

It’s just been _so long_ since he’s had anything substantial inside him. Castiel actually has to bite his lip to keep himself from groaning as he lubes the vibrator up and slowly slides it in. There’s no point in being quiet since he’s home alone, but it’s habit. The only time he’s loud is when he’s with Dean. Oh – but if only this were _Dean_ moving in him. In fact, imagining that it’s him only makes this feel better and Castiel drops his head back with a gasp.

He almost loses himself to the rhythm of working the vibrator in and out. It’s quite some time before he remembers what he’s here for. There’s a little bit of regret involved with pushing the vibrator in until the flared base is snug against his hole, but there’s better things to do and he’ll be feeling even better soon. He still has turning it on to look forward to. Castiel gropes across the floor for the remote before he gingerly manages to sit on the edge of the tub, his hips angled so he won’t accidentally push the vibrator in any deeper than it already is.

With the mask over his eyes and no actual clock in the bathroom, he has no idea what time it is. By his estimation, he guesses that Dean should probably be on his way home now, if not almost here. Hopefully it will be soon, because only God knows how long Castiel will be able to stand what he’s about to do next. He takes a deep breath before turning the vibrator on high. The resulting bolt of pleasure actually makes him drop the remote, and that’s perfectly okay with him. It was in the plans anyways.

Castiel’s hands shake slightly as he lifts them above his head to swipe at the air, searching for the hanging handcuffs. He finds them eventually and has to shuffle over a bit so he’s sitting directly under them. His body flexes and twitches as he slips his wrists into the handcuffs and gives them a sharp tug outward to tighten it. A loud whimper falls from his lips at the feeling of the rope around his wrists again. It’s been so long since he’s felt this full – let alone this _aroused_ – and dear God does it feel _good_.

Now it’s just a matter of waiting for Dean to come home. And the best way to spend that time is with imagining how Dean is going to react to this. Will he like it? Will he hate it? The former seems more likely, but Castiel is going to keep his fingers mentally crossed nonetheless.

His breathing is ragged and broken by the time he hears the front door close with a heavy thud. It’s no wonder he couldn’t hear it open over the purr of the vibrator rumbling through his whole body. Every inch of his skin feels like it’s burning and his erection aches from negligence. His whole body is absolutely _craving_ Dean and Castiel can’t stop himself from moaning his name. Only afterwards does the paranoia strike him that it could very well be Sam returning for something he forgot, or a surprise inspection by the landlord, or someone breaking into the apartment. This could get awkward _very_ quickly and he hopes to all that is holy that it really is Dean who just walked in.

Castiel flinches at the rush of air as the bathroom door swings open. It’s followed shortly by a choked gasp. “Oh, _fuck_.”

That voice is as familiar to him as the air he breathes and Castiel has to fight with himself not to squirm with anticipation. Dean is only a few feet away from him and even without being able to see, it’s obvious that he’s surprised.  Now the question is whether or not it’s the _good_ kind of surprised. Does Dean like it? He hasn’t done anything yet, so does that mean he’s just appreciating the sight or did Castiel miss the sound of him walking away? God, he hopes not.

Time to pull out the big guns – as Dean would put it. He takes a deep breath and whimpers Dean’s name softly, just to try and get his attention. “ _Dean_ –”

Anything else he could say is lost in a quiet gasp as pleasure shakes through him and he can feel sweat break out across his skin. He just wants Dean to _touch_ him already. Ground him in the feeling of his hands on his body and make him feel wanted again. Castiel’s hips twitch forward and he arches his back, panting from the sheer _want_ pulsing through him.

“Cas –” Dean pauses, but it’s more than enough to show just how wrecked his voice is. “Cas, do you want me to touch you?”

Like he even needs to ask. “ _Yes_.” There really was only one answer to that question.

In the span of a heartbeat, Dean’s lips are on his. Castiel groans into the kiss and he leans into it, straining against his minimal restraints. His whole body is aching to get closer, and it’s a thrill to know that he can’t. He’s at Dean’s mercy again – not knowing what he might do next. It’s absolutely amazing and Castiel drowns in the familiar feel of Dean’s tongue and the rough slide of his hands across his skin.

He’s well beyond being able to form proper words by the time Dean makes him tilt his head back and the kisses start to travel south. It feels _so good_ and Castiel can only gasp as teeth catch at his collarbone and a hot hand spreads wide in the small of his back. A tongue rasps over one of his nipples and an honest to goodness _whine_ falls from his lips. He missed the sure weight of Dean’s hands on his body and everything feels so _right_.

When Dean’s lips keep moving down, eventually to wrap around his erection, Castiel can’t stop his body from jerking forward. His mind is an utter _mess_ right now and he can’t remember the last time he felt this warm, wet heat swallow around him. Dean brings out every trick of the tongue that he must know, because Castiel feels like he loses it _much_ faster than usual. He can hardly breathe around the gasping moans rumbling through throat.

It’s almost disappointing when Dean manages to locate the vibrator’s remote and actually turns it down to low. But he makes up for it with the blow job and Castiel is _more_ than enjoying that. He loses himself in that right up until Dean turns the vibrator off completely and switches to using his hand to work his erection. By then, he doesn’t care whether it’s Dean’s mouth or his hand working on him, just as long as he never stops touching him.

And that’s when something new occurs to him. Castiel isn’t sure what puts the idea in his head – maybe it’s the videos from earlier, or maybe it’s the high of his endorphins – but he can’t stop himself from asking for one more thing.

He tilts his face down to look in Dean’s directions, and struggles to find his voice again. “Can – Dean, can we try – I would like to try dirty talking again. Please?”

“You want me to –?” There’s confusion in Dean’s voice. Does that mean he doesn’t want to try it?

Castiel licks his lips and swallows thickly around a lump rising in his throat. “Please? I need – I want to hear more of it. I’m still not sure if I – if I actually like it or not. Dean –”  He doesn’t intend to beg, but he just wants to hear more of Dean’s voice.

“Whatever you want, Cas.” Dean leans in and presses a kiss to his chest. He gives Castiel’s erection a small squeeze, like that’s all he needs to flick a switch.

When he speaks next, his voice is pitched even deeper. “What if Sam had come home early, huh?” Dean presses a kiss to the inside of Castiel’s thigh and it sends shivers rippling across his skin. “Sam could’ve seen you like this, Cas. He could’ve _heard_ you. What would you have done then?”

Honestly? He actually didn’t have a plan for that particular case. It would have been very awkward to deal with, but it’s very unlikely that Sam would have come home after leaving with an overnight bag. Sam is always very careful about making sure that he’s packed everything he needs. Oh _God_ , but who wants to think about Sam’s preparedness when Dean runs his tongue up the entire length of his dick?

“What do you want me to do, Cas?” He kisses the head of Castiel’s erection, breathing hot air across it with every word. “D’you want to come in my mouth? Or d’you want me to take that toy outta you and you can come on my cock?”

Castiel sucks in a sharp breath and shakes his head. He does _not_ have the mental capacity right now to make that kind of decision. Both of those options sound absolutely amazing and he wants everything and anything. Unless they have sex a few times tonight, it’s not likely that he can do both. He might not even be able to do one if Dean keeps doing what he’s doing. His whole body shivers in surprise as the heat of Dean’s mouth moves away from his erection and follows the line of his body back up to his chest. Now he’s being purposefully teasing and Castiel can’t get enough of it.

Dean’s fingers slide into Castiel’s hair with a tight grip and pulls his head back sharply. Teeth catch at the hollow of his throat and a wet tongue traces his pulse. “Answer me, Cas. What do you _want_?”

Is it even possible to answer that question? There are just too many options to choose from and it’s not like Castiel is even capable of speaking right now. Does Dean even realize how much effort it’s going to take to form actual words? But apparently there’s no choice for that and – Well, Castiel really likes it when Dean gets domineering like this. There’s something thrilling about being told what to do like this.

It takes a great deal of effort to figure out what he wants to do first and foremost out of everything right now. Once he picks it, he realizes that it’s the only obvious answer. “S-s-suck –” Heat flares hot in his cheeks and Castiel has to force out the last word. “– _you_.”

“Oh?” The question is on a breath and Dean’s hand drops away from Castiel’s erection. “You want to suck me off, Cas?” His lips are suddenly on Castiel’s in a quick, messy kiss before he pulls away to the sound of a belt unbuckling. “You gonna let me fuck your mouth instead of your ass today?”

 _“Yes_.” Castiel groans his answer and Dean rewards him by turning the vibrator up a notch.

They’ll take baby steps towards having sex properly again. . This will be the perfect start and Castiel absolutely can’t wait. His mouth is practically watering in anticipation for the familiar taste and weight of having Dean on his tongue. He never thought he would ever be so eager to suck a dick before,  but half his excitement is at the chance to make Dean feel good again.

As soon as he realizes that Dean has stepped in closer, Castiel leans forward and opens his mouth. A gentle palm cups the curve of his jaw and guides him forward. To his surprise, the first thing his nose touches is the cold edge of a zipper. There’s only one logical solution to that and Castiel uses the tip of his tongue to find the tab. He gets distracted by the hard line of Dean’s erection and he can’t resist mouthing over it, tracing it through his jeans.

Eventually, Castiel works his way to the tab of the zipper. He catches it between his teeth and drags it down. Dean’s hand leaves him for the moment and the only sound over the purr of the vibrator is the rustle of clothing. When Dean touches his cheek again to guide him forward, all of Castiel’s senses are almost immediately assaulted by the familiar scent that is entirely _Dean_. It makes him woozy at first, but soon he realizes that there’s still another obstruction in front of him. This time it’s the cloth of Dean’s underwear. The fabric feels weird on his tongue, but he doesn’t hesitate to fit his mouth to the side of Dean’s erection and give it a suck through his boxers.

As fun as it is to hear the hitch in Dean’s breathing and take note of the minute twitch of his hips, this isn’t exactly what Castiel wants. This is starting to get frustrating. While he likes having his hand bound, he needs them to get Dean out of his underwear. He just wants to get his mouth around Dean’s erection. Is that too much to ask? Why does he have to fight with underwear to get at it?

What’s the easiest way to get around them? Should he try and nose his way through the pocket, or – No, that doesn’t sound fun. That leaves him only one option. Castiel huffs and sits up a little straighter. The goal this time is the waistband, but there’s a t-shirt in his way. This is far too much effort just to give a blow job. Doesn’t Dean want it? Oh! Apparently he does, because suddenly he’s pushing his underwear down and Castiel is surprised by the his erection suddenly brushing his cheek.

He wastes no time at all feeling his way to the head of Dean’s erection. Castiel groans softly at the taste that hits his tongue the moment he gets his lips around it. A matching moan sounds above him and Dean’s hips rock forward slightly. Is that a hint as to what he wants? Alright then. Castiel braces himself and slides forward, taking as much of Dean’s erection as he can. He slides back slowly and repeats the motion, pleased when the grip in his hair tightens just a little more.

“Open your filthy mouth wider, Cas.” Dean’s words come on a hiss and with a guiding thumb under his chin. The words themselves stand out at the back of Castiel’s mind. The rest he licked, but he doesn’t really enjoy being insulted.

“I want to fuck your mouth.” Now, _that_ is something he doesn’t mind hearing. “You want that too, don’t you?” Yes, yes he does and Castiel groans again to let him know.

“Gonna moan for it like the slut you are, huh?”

That one sentence is like ice down Castiel’s spine. The heat in his veins fades suddenly. Even with a dick in his mouth, Castiel can still frown. He makes a small noise in the back of his throat and tries to sit back. Dean needs to know how _that_ isn’t okay. It’s perfectly acceptable to be told what to do or have Dean say what he wants to do to him, but calling him something like a slut isn’t in the least bit arousing. It might be for some, but Castiel doesn’t like it.

“Sorry.” Dean gently runs his thumb across his cheek. “Found a line, huh?”

Absolutely. He nods, but follows it up with a smile. It’s nice to know that Dean can tell when he doesn’t like something without having to say actual words.

After a quick, apologetic kiss, Castiel returns to work with his blowjob. It’s a rather exciting experience to do this entirely by what he can feel with his mouth. His sense of taste and touch feels heightened and it’s absolutely _thrilling_. Granted, he’s not exactly doing much. Essentially, all Castiel is doing is holding his mouth open and curling his tongue slightly as Dean rocks his hips with to shallowly fuck his mouth, as he wanted to.

His heart is pounding in his throat but that does nothing to stop him from groaning softly. This is just so _interesting_. Has he ever let Dean just _do_ this before? Oh, that doesn’t matter. In either case, they are absolutely going to be doing this again if he’s allowed to. Now what are the chances that Dean would let their roles be reversed? There’s still so many of his kinks that they haven’t explored yet and Castiel is greatly looking forward to that – if he’ll be allowed.

It feels like forever and no time at all by the time Dean gives his hair a little tug. His hips slow too and Castiel swallows around what he still holds in his mouth. “Cas – I’m gonna –”

Oh, he’s ready to come? Perfect! Now they can try one more thing that Castiel saw earlier in the videos. In fact, he’s noted that this is a trend amongst the porn that they’ve watched together. In almost every single video, they end in one particular way. Since the majority of Dean’s videos end like that, he assumes that it means Dean must like it. So, why don’t they do it too?

Castiel pushes back against Dean’s hand, trying to draw away. He turns his head slightly and makes the same noise in the back of his throat that had Dean stopping before. Almost immediately, Dean’s hands drop away and he lets Castiel lean back without issue. He takes several deep breaths to even out his breathing again. There’s an ache in his jaw but he doesn’t mind it at all.

It takes some time for him to work up the nerve to ask for this. When he’s ready, Castiel tilts his head back to look at Dean – so to speak. “On me.” They’re nothing more than a breath, but at least it’s something. Now, hopefully Dean will understand.

Apparently he doesn’t. The only thing Dean does is kiss him. He cups Castiel’s face between his hands and kisses him deep. He can’t resist this kind of kiss. It’s too perfect and he lets himself fall into it, tongue sliding against Dean’s and flicking across the roof of his mouth just how he likes it. But this kind of kiss pushes Castiel far too close to the edge. The scales were already tipping in that direction before Dean go here and this isn’t helping at all.

With some measure of willpower, Castiel pulls away from the kisses. He turns his head until his cheek touches his arm, his only defense at keeping Dean from trying to kiss him again. His voice is utterly _wrecked_ as he attempts to get his request across a second time. _“On me_.”

“Huh?”

Is Dean teasing him? This _really_ feels like he’s teasing him. “I want – Dean, _come on me_.” If he has to ask for it again, he’s going to give up because this is just too embarrassing, even with the mask.

The only answer Castiel gets after that is a line of kisses being pressed to his arm and wrist. He doesn’t need to see to recognize the slick sound of Dean stroking himself just inches away. His heartbeat pounds loudest in his ears as a hand slides into his hair again, holding him in place with a tight grip. Castiel isn’t sure how he should hold himself now. Should his mouth be open? They usually have it open in the pornos. Or should he keep it closed and just let Dean aim where he wants? Is this even something he can choose where it ends up?

He finds out the answer to that before he came come to a decision. Dean groans low in his throat and Castiel flinches at the stringy glob hits him. A gasp parts his lips. This is such an odd feeling, like being sprayed with liquid soap – only not nearly as clean. Castiel doesn’t dislike it, but he isn’t entirely a fan of it either. They’ll have to do it a few more times so he can make up his mind for certain.

There is, however, one thing that he already knows he likes. He opens his mouth and leans forward, searching for one thing. Dean’s hand fumbles slightly, but he manages to guide Castiel forward again until he had his mouth on his dick again. His erection is already starting to flag now that he’s come, but that doesn’t stop him from cleaning it up with his tongue. Castiel also makes sure to clean Dean’s fingers up too of any mess they might have, just in case. At any other time, he might thing that this is a little disgusting, but when he’s like this – just about anything is fine.

It’s in the middle of enjoying that when Dean suddenly turns the vibrator back to high. He isn’t prepared for that and Castiel jerks back in surprise. His head falls back and he trembles almost violently because pleasure is just _pulsing_ through him and he can hardly move to deal with it. Dean doesn’t help matters at all by mouthing at his neck again, pressing kisses to his pulse.

“You’ve done so well, Cas.” He breathes praise across his skin and it only heightens what Castiel is feeling right now. “You cleaned me up so nice with that gorgeous mouth of yours. Earned yourself such a nice reward. Now I wanna see you come on that vibe.” To emphasize his point, Dean brings both his hands to Castiel’s chest and starts to rub and pinch at his nipples.

Now this is just _unfair_. It’s too much stimulation and he isn’t going to last long like this. Especially when Dean kisses him to stop him from biting his lips. Castiel only does that when he’s trying not to cry out at the overload of sensations. Dean is just _too good_ at this. He knows just want to do to make him come as quickly and efficiently as possible. And of course he has to give an example of that by moving down to give him another blow job.

Within moments, Castiel’s orgasm is rocking through him. Sadly, he doesn’t get to enjoy it as much as he should. An ominous creak is almost drowned out by his moan, and seconds later the curtain rod gives way. He didn’t realize he was putting any weight on it, but it was apparently too much. It’s a flurry of noise, motion, and confusion as the shower rod comes crashing down. Pain blossoms across the back of Castiel’s head and his shoulders as he tumbles backwards into the tub.

“Holy _shit_!” Dean hands are on his face in seconds, pushing the mask up and throwing it over his shoulder. “Cas? Talk to me buddy. You okay?”

He squints against the bright light of the bathroom and the stars dancing in front of his eyes. “I’m fine?” At least, he thinks he is. There are going to be a few aches and pains in the morning, but nothing seems broken. “But now I’m not going to be able to have a clean-up shower.”

Dean’s smile turns soft and he rubs a careful hand through Castiel’s hair. “Don’t worry. I can take care of that. Guess you didn’t really get to enjoy much of that orgasm, huh?”

“No, not really.” And that’s more disappointing than anything, really.

With a laugh, Dean helps Castiel to his feet. “Oh, holy shit, wait.” He fumbles around on the mat at Castiel’s feet for a few moments. When he pops up again, the vibrator’s remote is in his hands and he flicks it off. “There we go. That couldn’t have been too comfortable.”

“Honestly, I didn’t even notice it.” He was focused more on the ache at the back of his head and his shoulders. Also the shower rod. That was _really_ distracting.

“Either way, now it’s off.” Dean takes Castiel’s wrists in his hands and undoes the handcuffs. There are red lines left in his skin, but they’ll fade before he goes to bed. “I’ll get my tool kit and put the rod back up. I want you to sit and rest. Want me to get an ice pack for your head?”

Now that his hands are free, Castiel reaches up to touch the back of his head and feel out the damage. From what he can tell, nothing _feels_ swollen and it doesn’t exactly hurt to touch. “Maybe not right now. If it still hurts after we’ve cleaned up, then maybe I will.” And by clean up, Castiel means that he fully intends to take a shower. It remains to be see whether or not Dean will be joining him, but he has the strong suspicions that he likely will.

Instead of leaving to fetch his tools, Dean hesitates and he twists the handcuffs between his hands. “Do you – uh – do you need a hand with taking _that_ out?” He gestures vaguely at Castiel’s lower half.

Oh yes, the vibrator. That’s still in him. He _could_ do it on his own, but Castiel would absolutely prefer some assistance first. He makes this obvious by leaning forward until he can hook his chin over Dean’s shoulder. A soft sigh ghosts over his shoulder and the rest of the rope hits the floor. Dean’s hands are gentle as they brush over his lower back. One slides over Castiel’s hip and down to his leg, slowly guiding it up. The other passes over his backside.

“Okay, I’m going to pull it out now.”

“This is always my least favourite part.” Castiel sighs and fists his hands in the back of Dean’s shirt. It’s not exactly uncomfortable to pull the vibrator out, but it just feels _weird_ to be so empty afterwards.

Dean presses a kiss to his shoulder as a distraction and carefully pulls the vibrator free. There’s just a little bit of resistance before it’s out and Castiel grimaces at the feeling. Sometimes he wishes that he never discovered how good it feels to be filled up, just for this one reason. But now that he doesn’t have the vibrator in him, he can slump down on the lid of the toilet and take a moment to relax. Before he leaves , Dean drops the vibrator in the sink and presses a kiss to the top of Castiel’s head.

A warm, happy heat settles in his gut. He can’t keep a silly smile from his lips while he watches as Dean returns with his toolbox and starts putting the shower rod back in place. Of course, he does that _after_ untying the rope from it. Castiel holds the tool box in his lap while Dean carefully stands on the edge of the tub and quickly screws the rod back in place. He even manages to do it without having to take the curtain off. His handiness is one of the things Castiel admires about Dean. There’s always been someone hired to do the work for him, so these are things that he doesn’t really have experience in doing. Maybe he should have Dean teach him how to do simple things like this.

When Dean is done and he’s put his tool box away, Castiel decides an invitation may be necessary – just in case. “Would you like to join me for the shower?”

He hasn’t even finished his sentence before Dean is shrugging out of his shirt. “Abso-fucking- _lutely_. Let’s get in there!”

Castiel hides a smile by ducking around the curtain to turn on the water. He finds the perfect temperature; nice and hot but not scalding. A hand on his back is enough to tell him that Dean is ready and Castiel pulls the plug to change it to the shower setting. They get it one after another, but he takes the place closest to the spray. It just feels so good on his sore shoulders and he lets it pound away on that while Dean adjusts the curtain into place.

Once Dean is settled, Castiel turns his face into the spray and promptly leans back into him. It’s been so long since he’s gotten to do it that it’s old habit. He doesn’t even consider that Dean might not like it anymore. Thankfully, that doesn’t seem to be the case. Dean wraps his arms around Castiel and rests his chin on his shoulder with a happy hum. They stay like that for a few minutes, swaying slightly in the rising steam and the calm.

After a while, Dean reaches for the shampoo and squirts a generous amount into his palm. He rubs it into a lather before sliding his fingers into Castiel’s hair. It feels _divine_ and he can’t hold back a soft groan of delight. It always feels so good when Dean does this. They really need to start taking more showers together. Imagine how much water and time they would save if they did that. He _might_ be saying that purely out of selfishness because dear God this feels _so good_. It feels like he’s going to melt and he groans to show his delight with this turn of events.

Dean takes his time with washing Castiel’s hair, waiting until after it’s been washed out to start pressing soft kisses across the back of his neck. His words are soft puffs against his skin. “Where’d you get the idea for all of that, huh?”

Isn’t it rather obvious? “I needed some new ideas, so I started watching some porn again.”

While the kisses across his neck and shoulders is rather nice, Castiel would rather they be on his mouth. He turns slowly and brings his hands up to slide them through Dean’s hair. “I thought it would be necessary because you might be losing interest since our talk.” It takes some courage to say that, but he feels better for having said it.

Although, perhaps that wasn’t the wisest way to put it. A frown pulls at the corners of Dean’s mouth and he leans in to bump their foreheads together. “You know I haven’t, Cas.”

“I know.” If only that were true. But every day feels like Castiel could lose him all over again. Castiel shrugs and tilts his chin up to kiss Dean softly. “But I couldn’t help thinking that might be the case. I thought, maybe, that you might have needed a little push since you’ve been holding back so much after our talk.” Though he hasn’t been the only one.

Dean’s hands find their place on Castiel’s hips and he pulls him in for a long kiss, holding him close. It takes a while before he steps back again, breath hotter than the water. “Does this mean that we’re back to normal now?”

Castiel shrugs and starts shuffling them to switch places.  “As normal as we ever were.”

That’s actually a very good question. What _is_ considered normal? Their relationship isn’t exactly conventional, is it? Not by his standards, at least. But this is the only capacity that he can have Dean in some at least some way, so he’ll take what he can get. There are some things about their relationship that has changed, of course. Now that they’ve gotten past whatever was blocking them from this, Castiel feels unmistakably _closer_ to Dean. Not as close as he would like to be, but it’s something.

As he takes his turn to wash Dean’s hair for him, Castiel wonders how else their talk will affect how they interact – especially now that they’re having sex again. Either way, he’s rather looking forward to seeing where things go from here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warnings:_  
>  \- anal fingering  
> \- sex toys  
> \- bondage  
> \- cumshot  
> \- dirty talk  
> \- bottom!Cas  
> \- blowjobs


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re the birthday boy, Cas.” Dean shrugs, but he still laughs and pulls Castiel in for another quick kiss. “You decide if you want sex now or later.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **No warnings for this chapter.**
> 
> This chapter takes place before and during [Chapter 17](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/5215205) of the _A Little Patience_ story line.
> 
> If anything about the formatting looks fucky (or you see a paragraph that's stuck to the tail end of another paragraph, please let me know. I had to copy/paste from a different program than usual due to my set up here in Finland (I'm on vacation from Canada lol) and I had to manually go in and add the spaces after all the paragraphs. I feel like I probably missed one here or there, so don't be surprised if you see it! And sorry in advance if I totally failed lol

Jess keeps bumping into Castiel’s shoulder and he’s one hundred percent certain that she’s doing it on purpose. It’s definitely not because she’s on her phone and texting with someone. He’s seen her walk and text before and she does it so steadily that he doesn’t doubt that she could walk a tightrope while doing it. Which means she’s doing it on purpose and he has yet to figure out why. It’s not like he begged and pleaded for her to walk around campus with him. She was the one who decided to do join him after she heard about his plans for the day.

After what must be the twentieth time, Castiel side steps to bump her right back. “Any reason why you continue to do that?”

“Amusement, mostly.” She glances up from her phone with a teasing smile. “And I’m just testing the limits of your patience.”

“You’re trying to annoy me?”

Jess shrugs and tilts her head. “How else am I supposed to keep entertained while you’re doing your calculations. You know, you’re probably the only person on campus who comes in weeks before classes start so you can time how long it takes you to get around between your various classes.”

Castiel places a hand on his chest and dons of look of pure pain. “I can’t believe you would say that to me. We all know how important it is to make sure the one can make it from one class to the other on time. Professors can and do take attendance.”

With a snort, Jess reaches over and shoves him in the shoulder, sending him staggering to the side. “You’re such a dork.”

“At least I’m a good looking one.” He fires back, knowing that she'll be amused by it. To add to his comeback, he gives her a shove too. “But now that you’ve interrupted my timer, we have to go back and start again from the last building. I need to restart the stop watch.”

Jess groans loudly, but she still dutifully turns on her heel and starts back the way they came. Castiel feels maybe a bit too smug about that. Technically, it’s not necessary since he turned off the timer when they stopped, but a punishment is in order nonetheless. She was being disruptive and she needs to learn a lesson from it, no matter how unnecessary it is. At least she’s good company, and he really is happy to have her here with him today.

Despite her efforts to annoy him, Jess hasn’t complained once while Castiel found all of his classes and wrote down in a notebook each building they’re in and what floor they’re on. They’ve gone back and forth across campus a half dozen times at least by now, and she doesn’t seem to mind that at all. Not even when Castiel said that now that they know where everything is, he needs to go between them at his normal pace to clock how long it takes. He also needs to factor in the distance from the gym and track to his classes.

Once he has his route and the times planned out, the only thing left that Castiel will need for his classes is a proper decent camera. The courses recommend which ones he should have, but they’re all rather expensive. That’s part of the reason why he’s been picking up so many shifts at the café lately. The more money he makes, the faster he can save for a camera and for when he has to cut back on shifts for his classes. Granted, the school does offer cameras that he could rent instead, and they’re at relatively decent prices, but it’s just not the same as having a camera of his own.

Once they reach the class and turn around, Castiel starts his time again. Jess is only silent for a few steps before she jostles his elbow with her own. “Hey, what are your plans for your birthday?”

Oh yes, that’s coming up rather soon, isn’t it? “Nothing that I’m aware of.” He shrugs and checks to make sure the stop watch is actually going. “I haven’t been informed of any plans by anyone.”

“So Dean isn’t planning on taking you out for dinner?”

Castiel shrugs again. “If he is, he hasn’t told me yet. Neither has Gabriel. I suppose I should look into that before making any plans of my own.” It wouldn’t surprise him in the least if he would have to make his own arrangements to get everyone together to celebrate his birthday. Though it would be nice if someone else did all the planning for him.

Jess hums to herself for a few more steps before she elbows him again. “How often do you two go out for dinner?”

How often does he go out for dinner with Gabriel? Or is she referring to Dean? Gabriel was the last one that he mentioned, so it would be logical that she’s referring to him, right? “Not very often. Gabriel doesn’t like doing things in the evening given that he’s usually at work rather early.”

“I meant you and Dean.”

Well then why didn’t she say so? Castiel answers with a shrug and checks his notebook to make sure that he recorded the location of all his classes and their start times, just in case he might have missed one. “I can’t recall ever going to dinner with just Dean. If he doesn’t cook dinner, then we normally order in. Sometimes Sam is with us, sometimes he’s with you or at work.”

“Oh.” A measure of disappointment rings in Jess’s voice and Castiel looks up to see her giving him a frown verging on pity. “So you guys like to have your dates at home, then?”

A vice closes around his chest and slowly squeezes all the air from his lungs. It leaves Castiel on a soft sigh, but the pain surrounding his heart remains present. “Jess…” He shakes his head and lengthens his stride just that little bit to get ahead of her. This is not a conversation that he wants to have.

“Oh, come on!” She matches his pace effortlessly. “You guys have been living together for most of the year now! How have you not hooked up yet?”

They have, actually. Multiple times, even. But Castiel isn’t allowed to make mention of that in the first place. And besides, he knows that she’s talking about something much more than just sex. Jess is under the impression that they both have feelings for each other (wherever did she get that idea?) and that must mean that they’ve been dating in secret for ages now.

Castiel sighs again and shakes his head. “We’re just friends, Jess.” And please don’t make him have this conversation. It’s bad enough that he has to lie to his friends about the nature of his relationship with Dean, but it hurts more than words can say to deny out loud his feelings for Dean.

Jess crosses her arms and he can feel her glare boring into the side of his head. “I’m calling bullshit on all of this, Cas.” Her steps gain the heavy weight of a stomping sulk. “I’m not blind, you know.”

“I know you’re not.” Castiel stubbornly refuses to look at her, instead keeping his eyes on his notebook and pretending to read over his notes again. “Please drop the subject.”

“Not until I get a good reason for why you haven’t asked Dean out yet.”

Oh sweet Mother Mary, this can’t be happening. How did they even get on this topic of conversation? They were just talking about his birthday a moment ago. Where in the world was the segue that brought this hell about his ears? “I’m not going to ask Dean out, Jess. And I don’t want to talk about this.”

Her hands falls on his shoulder and Castiel allows her to pull him into a slower pace. “But you do want to ask him, don’t you?”

“Jess, please.” Castiel doesn’t want to do this. He doesn’t want to have to outright lie to her face.

She grabs his hand and pulls him to a complete stop. Jess even takes his phone from him and pauses the timer. “I’m serious, Cas.”

He takes one look at her and immediately turns away. “Don’t do that.” Jess is doing this thing with her eyes where they get all wide and imploring, and her bottom lip sticks out in a trembling pout. To date, Castiel has never been able to deny her anything when she gives him a look like that. It’s the very look that coerced him into seeing a truly terrible movie that was cited as romantic and was anything but. A movie whose name he wouldn’t even think aloud because it was an utter travesty and he can’t believe that they’re planning on making a series of it, let alone that the books somehow managed to become so darn popular.

Jess touches his shoulder again, this time it’s a feather light drag of fingers. “I know that it’s none of my business.” Well, that’s an understatement if ever he heard one. “But I just want to make sure that you’re not getting hurt. I know Dean. I know how oblivious he can be. If you like him and he’s –”

Castiel can’t listen to this. “Jess.” He puts a hand over hers and tries to give her his best smile. “I am plenty happy living with the Winchesters. If anything ever happens between Dean and I that I can actually tell you about, I promise that I will do so right away.”

She cocks her head to the side and narrows her eyes slightly. “Does that meant that you want something to happen, or that things have already happened that you can’t tell me about?”

Dear Lord, she is far too astute for her own good. “Please don’t read into things that aren’t there.”

“Oh, don’t you even try that with me.” Jess sticks her tongue out at him and shakes her head. “I’m not reading into anything. I’m just going by what I see with my own two eyes. Plus, I’ve got a man on the inside who tells me about all the tensions going on in the place. It’s no coincidence that Sam leaves the two of you alone so often, y’know.”

Well, that’s certainly some new information that he hadn’t been expecting. And, honestly, what harm would there be in actually telling Jess about his feelings for Dean? She doesn’t need to know that they’ve been having sex for months. That’s not what she’s after right now. It’s more like she just wants confirmation for her suspicions regarding other things. Of course, she would probably love to learn that they’ve been having secret sex, but only God knows what Dean would do if Castiel spilled the so-called beans on that one.

He clears his throat and shuffles his feet, stalling for time. “What do you see?”

“Honestly?”

“Be brutally honest with me, Jess. You always are.” Castiel gestures for her to continue, just so he can have some time to build up his courage. If he is going to tell her about his feelings for Dean today, then that’s going to take quite the effort because he hasn’t ever told anyone about that before.

Jess regards him with that same narrow-eyed look from before. After a few moments of silence, she sighs and nods. “Alright then. Let’s start with the way you two act around each other. For anyone not in the know, it looks like you’ve been dating him since you moved in.”

“But that’s not possible. Dean was dating Lisa at that time.”

She holds up her hand to silence him. “I didn’t say that you were. Though – have you?”

A hopeful light fills her eyes and dies when Castiel shakes his head. “No, we have not been dating. At no point in the time that I have known Dean have we ever dated.”

“You’re sure?”

Another pout starts to form on her lips and he rolls his eyes at it. “You’ve been hinting about this at least once a month since I moved in. Of course I’m sure.”

“But you do know that Dean totally had the hots for you before, right?”

Of course he does. That’s one small bit of hope that Castiel holds close to his heart. If Dean liked him like that once before, then perhaps it’s possible that he might again. “Yes, I know.”

A smile starts spreading across Jess’s lips and she puts a hand on his arm again. “Do you think there’s any of that spark left?”

The sexual spark is alive and well, but Castiel honestly isn’t sure about the rest. “Why do you keep pushing for this?”

“Because before I asked Sam out, I remember how much it hurt to be only friends with someone I really liked. I don’t want you or Dean to feel like that any longer than you have to.” She puts both her hands on his shoulders and forces Castiel to face him. “I honestly think the two of you like each other and there’s something holding you both back. I just want you two to be happy and I think you’d be really happy together. You make such a cute couple already.”

How many months has Castiel been building up his defenses about this? Yet look how little time it took for Jess to tear them all down with a few pretty words. “If you can promise not to speak to Dean or Sam about this, and if you promise not to act on it, and promise to stop asking me about all of this – then I will tell you a secret.”

In all honesty, Castiel is rather touched that Jess cares so much about him. He doesn’t doubt her sincerity in the slightest regarding her wishes for him to be happy. That much alone deserves a reward and it’s almost a little terrifying by how much he wants to tell her this secret. Castiel has been carrying it alone for what feels like forever and it’s a little exciting to know that there’s someone he can share it with. He trusts her implicitly to keep this secret too.

Jess lights up with a smile brighter than the sun and she clasps his hands between hers. “Yes, of course! I won’t breathe a word about anything, just like the night you spent at my place!”

“Alright. Fine.” He nods and takes a deep breath, glancing around to make sure that no one will overhear. The summer students on campus are few and far between, but he still doesn’t want to be heard by any passersby.

With another deep breath, Castiel leans in to whisper his exact feelings into Jess’s ear. He’s barely finished before she squeals loudly and wraps her arms around him. It’s the kind of hug that almost lifts him off his feet, even though he must have at least fifty pounds on her.

“I knew it.” She laughs happily and attempts to spin him around, but Castiel breaks free and takes a few steps back.

He holds up his hands to deter any more displays of excitement. “Jess, please.”

It takes some visible effort, but she manages to reign herself in. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I just – you have no idea how validating it is to learn that I was right.” She claps excitedly before shoving her hands in her pockets. “Oh man, when you finally let me tell Sam all about this, I’m going to rub his freaking nose in it so hard.”

“What does Sam have to do with this?” Castiel frowns and tilts his head, trying to figure this out.

Jess shrugs and fixes him with a sly smile. “Sam’s convinced that Dean has been gaga for you this whole time but that you’re only interested in being friends. He’s pretty sure that’s the reason why you guys had that fight after you went out with Meg.”

“Really? He thinks that’s what happened?”

“Yeah. Sam’s theory is that Dean was jealous you keep turning him down but then you went out with Meg, so you guys fought.” She shrugs and tilts her head at him. “Was he wrong?”

That’s honestly not too far off from the truth, but it’s certainly not exactly on point. And, of course, Castiel can’t really give a direct answer about this either. He answers with a shrug of his own and keeps his face carefully schooled into a neutral expression. “I can neither confirm nor deny that question.”

“Damn.” Jess snaps her fingers in defeat and sighs. “Oh, well. At least I tried!” She steps close enough to slide her arm through his and lean into his side. “But I am happy that you’ve found someone you care for so much. I just need to ask, are things really okay with you just being friend with Dean?”

“Yes. I’m very happy with how things are with Dean right now.” He nods and starts his timer again, forcing Jess to start walking with him again. “And now that I’ve told you that, you’ve promised to drop the topic for good.”

Instantly that earns him a suspicious squint. “You’re such a sneak. You know that, right?”

“Of course.” Now he doesn’t have to worry about being harangued by her anymore every so often on this topic. “And for the record, there was nothing sneaky about it. I was very clear in the terms and conditions the came with that information.”

“I’ll let it pass this time.” She laughs and falls into an easy step next to him. “And we should totally celebrate today. I’ll treat you to lunch as an early birthday present after we finish with your weird clocking habits.”

He honestly doesn’t think that it’s that weird, but Castiel is willing to that it slide this time. He’s never been one to turn down any form of celebration of his birthday. It’s the only time that he’ll actively encourage someone pampering him in any way, shape, or form.

“That’s acceptable.” He nods and graces her with a self-satisfied smile.

It’s been a while since he last felt this pleased with himself. Jess isn’t aware of it, but it feels like a massive weight has been lifted from his shoulders. Castiel had no idea it would feel this good to actually tell someone that he loves Dean. He feels so much better for it, and that was just after telling Jess. He can’t even imagine what would it be like if he actually managed to say it to Dean himself.

*

“Cassie!” Gabriel shouts much too loudly for the size of the café, and especially for being right next to him. He throws an arm around Castiel’s shoulders, jostling him and interrupting the process of wiping down a table.

Castiel sighs and shrugs his arm away. “I’m busy, Gabriel.” He throws a withering glare at him as he picks up his tray of dishes and moves on to the next table. “Can you wait until my break?”

“Not even slightly.” The grin that spreads across Gabriel’s face is downright chilling. “I’m done for the day and I need to talk to you about this thing before I leave.”

Is it already time for that? My, how the hours fly when he’s busy actually working. The same thing happens when he devotes himself to studying. It’s nice to know that hard work is just as rewarding. One of Castiel’s favourite things is when long tasks fly by thanks to hard work.

“Fine, fine.” He stops at one more table to pick up the dishes there and give it a quick wipe down to get rid of the crumbs. “But if you want to talk, then we’re going to do it in the kitchen while I’m loading the dishwasher. Some of us still have a few hours left to their shift.”

Gabriel shrugs and follows Castiel at a sedate pace. “If you insist.” He waits until the reach the kitchen before speaking further. “Alright, down to business. Your birthday is next week.”

“Is it? I hadn’t noticed.”

Of course he knows. It’s one of his favourite times of year. His birthday is one of the few times he was acknowledged by the other students in the boarding schools. No matter who it was, everyone loved celebrating a birthday. It meant cake in the cafeteria and special treats throughout the day for the classes of the birthday students. He might not have received any presents from his classmates, but he always had them delivered from his family.

As a boarding student himself, Gabriel is well aware of both that and Castiel’s adoration of that particular day of the year. “Yeah, well, what are your plans for it, huh?”  
He shrugs and empties the plates into a nearby trash can. “I haven’t been informed as to the plans yet. Do you have suggestions?”

Gabriel shrugs too. “Honestly, no. I kinda figured you’d be spending it with your new family.” He makes a vague gesture with his hand. “Y’know, with the Winchesters.”

“They’re good friends, Gabriel, but you’re my family.” Castiel looks up at him, smiling softly. “You’ll always have first dibs when it comes to making birthday plans with me. You know that.”

An honest to goodness blush rises in Gabriel’s cheeks and he rubs at the back of his neck. “Don’t get sappy with me now, dammit. I’ve got a reputation to uphold here.” He flaps his hands between them to clear the air. “Listen. I got your gift burning a hole in my pocket and I can’t wait a week to give it to you. How opposed are you to celebrating with me tonight instead?”

As if Castiel would ever pass up getting to celebrate his birthday multiple times. “Is this your roundabout way of seeing if I’m free after work?”

“Well, I guess? You got plans?”

“Not at all.” He leans over to start putting the plates into the dishwasher. “I was only planning on going to home to continue reading my text books before classes start. That’s going to be soon.”

Gabriel pats him on the top of his head with a loud laugh. “Nice to see that you’re still the nerd you always were even after ditching the med school route.”

“I’ve always been like this.” Castiel knocks his hand away and crinkles his nose at him. “Why would now be any different?”

“I dunno. Because you’re studying for something that you actually like and not just because Dad told you to?” Despite the brush off, Gabriel reaches up again to ruffle Castiel’s hair again. “It’s really adorable.”

It’s all Castiel can do to frown at him and not cause a scene in the kitchen. He sighs and closes the dishwasher with a snap. “Fine. What time tonight and where are we going?”

“My place and I’ll pick you up after work.” Gabriel puffs up with pride like only he can. “I’m going to cook all your favourites and Kali is going to help me with it.”

That does sound rather nice, actually. He nods in approval, even though there’s one problem that he sees with it. “I would prefer to shower and change first. Since Dean has already arranged to pick me up after work, you can just pick me up from home. By the time you get there, I should be ready to go.” The Winchesters live closer to the café than Gabriel does, now that he’s moved in with Kali.

A pout makes Gabriel’s bottom lip stick out childishly. “You just want to be picked up by your boyfriend.”

The word needles at Castiel’s mind like a bad memory. It makes his chest tighten almost painfully and it’s all he can do not to let it show on his face. He shakes his head with a sigh and turns to put his large serving tray into its storage space. “I’m not sure where you’re getting your information, but Dean is not my boyfriend.”

“That’s not what Meg says.”

Oh, of course she would be spreading that kind of information after how Castiel and Dean acted on the night of the date. He’ll have to apologize to her later, but for now he’s going to have to be just a little unkind to her right now. “Meg is a notorious liar by your own admission.”

“Good point.” Gabriel sighs and crosses his arms. He hates admitting defeat almost as much as Castiel does. “But my point still stands.”

While it might be true that Castiel does want to go home with Dean, he’s obviously not going to let his brother know that. “Go home, Gabriel. I’ll let you know when I get home. You can leave to pick me up then and I’ll be ready by the time you get there.”

He gets a petulant pout for that, but eventually Gabriel throws his hands in the air. “Fine, fine. Just remember to bring your appetite! No snacking when you’re done work. I know Dean-o likes to cook for you too, but no snacking.”

“I never do when there’s the promise of your cooking.” Castiel waves him off to get back out to the cash register. A co-worker is covering it on their own and he never likes leaving someone in the front by themselves for any extended period of time. “I’ll see you later.”

“Bye, Cassie!” Gabriel gives him another wave and heads off to the back of the café to hang up his apron and get his things.

Little does he know, Castiel is actually rather excited to have something more to look forward to after work than his studying. Of course he always looks forward to being home with Dean, but he’s happy to get to spend time with his brother. Now that they no longer live together, they just don’t see each other all that often. Castiel doesn’t count work because that’s their job and they don’t get to spend much of it actually talking. Chit chat has to be kept brief, considering how busy Gabriel is in the kitchen.

The rest of the day flies by and it feels like no time at all before he’s telling Dean and Sam goodbye and he’s heading downstairs to Gabriel’s waiting car. The drive is where the idle chatter takes place and they save proper conversation for when Kali is there. Even then, the conversation is focused heavily on Castiel’s coming class load and how things are going at Kali’s work. It’s a good conversation and it carries them straight through an absolutely delicious dinner – as expected. Gabriel really is a wonderful cook, even if his specialty lies with baking.

In hindsight, Castiel should have expected what his gift was going to be considering how much of the conversation was focused on his schooling.

“Okay, okay. Talking is all well and good, but we all know why you’re here, Cassie.” Gabriel flashes him a smile that’s bright and excited. He passes him one of the modestly sized boxes from the counter. They’ve been been on the edge of Castiel’s radar since he walked in the room. “You ever gonna grow up and stop being stupidly excited about a gift?”

“Never.” He sticks his tongue out, but it almost gets lost in his smile. Castiel absolutely loves getting gifts and he knows full well that Gabriel loves giving them, same as him. They’re more similar than either of them care to admit.

Kali rolls her eyes at the both of them and fetches the slightly bigger box from where Gabriel left it. “Here. Open mine first, just so he has to stew a little longer.”

“How dare you!” Gabriel puts a hand to his chest in mock horror. He gives the same look to Castiel when he quite obviously exchanges the boxes for the one Kali gave him.

Actually, that sounds like a wonderful idea. As much as he loves opening presents, Castiel likes teasing his older brother even more. With a rather imperious lift of his chin, he puts both gifts aside and folds his hands neatly on the table. “Isn’t it customary to have cake before presents?” Because he’s certainly had his eye on the delicacy since he walked in too.

“Oh my God.” Gabriel looks between Castiel and Kali, eyes wide with his sheer disbelief. “Y’gotta be yanking my chain right now. Open the damn gift, Cassie.”

He shakes his head. “I want cake.”

Kali shrugs and spreads her hands, though there’s a mischievous tilt to her lips. “He’s the birthday boy, Gabriel. I think we need to listen to him.”

With a loud sigh, Gabriel pushes himself to his feet and stomps over to the kitchen. He mutters the whole way about how it’s not even Castiel’s actual birthday yet. After a few minutes of banging drawers around, Gabriel returns with the cake in his hands and a smile on his face again. Even he can’t stay annoyed during such a happy occasion. To prove that, he sings the loudest when Kali starts up with happy birthday.

Castiel can’t keep himself from absolutely beaming at the both of them. He sways along to the song, utterly failing at maintaining a calm disposition. No matter how much he tries to hide it, Castiel just absolutely loves when it’s his birthday. It takes far too much willpower to stop himself from bouncing in place when it comes time to blow out his candles. Perhaps it’s a rather selfish thing to wish for, but he crosses his fingers, closes his eyes, and wishes almost violently for a happy ending when things with Dean come to a head.

“Okay, awesome. Congrats.” Gabriel yanks the cake away after Kali gets pictures with her phone. “Now open your damn gifts while I serve out the cake.”

“Well, if you’re going to twist my arm about it then I have absolutely no choice, do I?” With the air of someone being forced to do something he doesn’t want to, Castiel sighs loudly and picks up the box that Kali had previously handed to him.

That appearance lasts for as long as it takes him to read the lovely birthday card attached to the package. As soon as he sets that aside and thanks Kali, Castiel loses all sense of decorum and starts tearing at the paper like a child. If he ever feels embarrassed about his actions right now, it will be in the future and late at night when he can pull his pillow over his face and wish he could change time. For right now, it’s rather enjoyable and he can’t wait to see what she got for him.

With the wrapping paper discarded, Castiel pulls open the box and stifles a loud gasp. Nestled gently inside the box is a camera bag. It’s not just any camera bag, but one that looks suspiciously like the one he has favourited in a browser on his laptop at home. This kind of bag is intended for a DSLR camera and Castiel removes it from the box with careful hands. There are pockets for different lens attachments, cleaning supplies, and even a spot on the bottom of the bag to attach a collapsible tripod.

Kali leans forward with her elbows on her table and her chin propped up in her hands. “I wasn’t sure what kind of camera you were planning on getting, but I hope this will fit it when you do.”

“This is amazing, Kali.” Castiel gets up to hug her tightly. “Thank you!” It might be a bit too much, but he can’t resist kissing her on the cheek.

Gabriel kicks him in the shin the moment Castiel sits down again. Immediately, he winces himself as Kali kicks him in retaliation. It’s what he deserved and Castiel gives him a smug smile before picking up the remaining box. He’s far too giddy about opening presents to tease Gabriel to satisfactory levels. Presents are just so much more important than that, and especially when they’re presents for him.

There’s no stifling his surprise this time once he peels the wrapping paper away. This could just be one of those moments when the box isn’t actually what’s inside, but Castiel knows Gabriel too well. He would never do that to him and especially with something that he really wants. The box belongs to a DSLR camera and the text totes that there are a couple lens attachments included with it. And, sure enough, that’s exactly what’s in the box when Castiel carefully lifts the lid to look inside.

Again, this is the exact model that he has bookmarked at home. Subterfuge must have been involved for Gabriel to get that information and Castiel is going to have to thank Sam or Dean for that. But first, he needs to thank Gabriel. Not only because this is something he so very dearly wanted, but because he knows that this was not a cheap gift to get.

“Consider all of this from the both of us and our parents.” Gabriel gestures at the two open boxes, looking far more pleased with himself than he should be. “Mom chipped in enough to cover for both her and Dad. Of course she did it without telling him, but that’s gonna be our secret, okay?”

Castiel nods and carefully lifts the camera out of the box. He wants to get a feel for it in his hands, but he also wants to use it to distract from talk of their parents. In particular, their father. Mother isn’t nearly as disappointed with him as Father is, but Castiel’s calls with her have significantly decreased since he made his decision to pursue photography. The fact that she helped to buy this is beyond touching and he’s going to have to call and thank her for this soon. Possibly later when he gets home.

“How did Mother know this is what I wanted?”

“I mentioned it to her.” Gabriel shrugs and picks up his fork, ready to attack his slice of cake. “We talk every Sunday. She’s still not all that happy that you dropped out of pre-med, but she’s proud as hell of you for following your dreams. Dad’s still being a dick about everything, though. Either way, Mom’s got your back, baby bro.”

A lump rises in his throat and Castiel swallows thickly around it, blinking back what could likely be the onset of tears. No one in his family will ever know just how much the gift of this camera means to him. Now he can slow down at the café and actually relax for the next few weeks before classes start. He was dreading starting the term exhausted from his self-imposed work load. But now he can slow down and that’s just one more gift that his family has given him.

After a thorough inspection of the camera, Castiel gets up to give Gabriel a hug. It’s crushing and results in quite a bit of whining, but he doesn’t care. A hug like this is deserved after such a truly wonderful gift. He holds it for a lot longer than needed because that is absolute deserved given just how close Castiel is to tears. If he doesn’t consider anything that’s happened with Dean in the last year, then this is most definitely the best gift Castiel has ever received.

“Kali, help me!” Gabriel flails a hand at her while patting Castiel on the back with the other. “I know I’m awesome, but I think he’s trying to kill me with this.”

She laughs and taps the table. “Come on, Castiel. You haven’t had any cake yet and it’s your favourite. Then, after cake, you can play around with the camera. We should make sure that it actually works before you leave. We might have to return it if it doesn’t.”

That’s a very good point, and he could never turn down the chance for some of Gabriel’s baking. With a happy sigh, Castiel sits back and picks up his fork. “Thank you both. I can’t begin to tell you how happy I am with today.”

“Now you can stop making me look bad at work.” With a laugh, Gabriel shoves a large bite of cake in his mouth. “Crowley keeps asking why I don’t pick up as many shifts as my little brother does. He seems to forget that I already work full time and that he doesn’t enjoy paying overtime.”

He gets into a conversation with Kali about Crowley’s less admirable qualities as a boss and his own plans to eventually open a bakery. Castiel listens with a half an ear. His focus is more on eating his cake and reading the little instruction booklet for his new camera. To his delight, the battery is fully charged and it already comes with a large memory card. Of course he’s going to have to buy spares to keep in the bag, just in case, but this one should more than suffice if he sticks to pictures and doesn’t take too many videos – which is another function of this camera that he’s going to enjoy learning.

After he’s had a few slices of cake, Castiel’s attention fully turns to the camera and it’s many settings. There are several that his other digital camera never had and he can’t wait to play with them. He’s not entirely sure whether or not his classes will teach him how to use them all, but it will be nice to experiment with them and learn on his own. If all else fails, there’s always the internet. Youtube can be quite the fount of information.

Despite how half the cake is missing now, Castiel still takes a few test pictures of it. Kali and Gabriel have no problem stopping their clean up to take ridiculous poses with each other while Castiel plays with the various settings and uses them as his models. Oh, but he can’t wait to play with the camera more. There are so many settings, some that he’s never heard of before, and they’re going to be so much fun. He can hardly wait to take this home and show Dean. Now that they’re friends, it will be so much easier to ask him for permission to take pictures of him.

The camera won’t be put to the real test until his courses start, of course. Everything prior to that is just going to be practice. Though Castiel is fairly certain that there will be a number of classes regarding theory and before they actually get to using a camera. It will be a pleasant surprise if they actually start using cameras immediately at the beginning of the semester.

Regardless, Castiel is going to take so many pictures between now and then. He needs to familiarize himself with the camera and its settings well before his classes. Now Castiel is really looking forward to the next few weeks. It feels like everything is going better than he ever thought they could. This is clearly the best day ever and Gabriel is going to be hard pressed to top this birthday in the years to come.

*

A warm body presses up behind him and Dean’s lips brush the back of Castiel’s neck with every word. “What are the chances of getting you to wear your new LARP outfit for dinner tonight?” His hands are a familiar weight on Castiel’s hips as he draws him closer.

“Slim to none.” When he agreed to join Dean’s LARPing group, Castiel was not entirely prepared to learn about just how much Dean enjoys seeing him dressed up in costume. “The restaurant we’re going to would likely not approve of my tunic and breeches as much as you do.”

He shakes his head with a sigh and tries his best to focus on the buttons of his waist coat. His tie isn’t even tucked in yet and Dean is being nothing but a distraction right now. A very warm, very nice smelling distraction, but a distraction nonetheless. Castiel is rather surprised that he’s trying to hinder the dressing process in the first place, considering how much Dean enjoys seeing him in more formal attire than usual. Granted, it didn’t take much convincing to get him to dress up tonight. A part of Castiel really wants feel enticing this evening.

Dean groans and presses his forehead against the back of Castiel’s neck. “Speaking of breeches, you should’ve gone for the tighter ones.” His hands move back for a quick grope of Castiel’s ass. “I can’t wait to get you in some chain mail.”

If Dean doesn’t keep his hands to himself right now, he’s never going to finish getting ready. Their reservations will go unattended, and Sam will likely be very disappointed about that. With some measure of willpower, Castiel reaches back to push his hands away. “I wasn’t aware that medieval roleplay was one of your kinks. Had I been, I would have gotten into it much earlier this year.”

The only response Dean has is a pleased hum and an open mouthed kiss to the back of Castiel’s neck. He doesn’t linger for long and withdraws quickly. It’s a little surprising that he stayed that close for so long or even thought to take the chance for some groping in the first place. After all, Sam is still home right now and he’s likely not going to take very long in the bathroom. They’re going to have to find some way to get him out of the house this evening. Castiel can’t even quantify just how much he’s looking forward to having birthday sex and, given that it’s his birthday today, he really wants to have it tonight.

Between the two of them, they never had the chance for birthday sex during the last birthday. That would have been Dean’s back in January and he was still with Lisa at that time. This is the first real chance they’ll have to do it and Castiel hopes they’ll get it. He can’t wait to see if there’s any difference with having it on one’s birthday or not. Will he be allowed to do anything new? While topping might not be new for them, he would like to do that tonight. If possible, he’d like to have it both ways. But that will depend entirely on how much time they’ll have to themselves. Sam is the unknown factor here, and Castiel can’t think of the correct way to ask him to leave for a few hours.

Speaking of Sam, he chooses then to come out of the bathroom. He’s drying one hand on his pants while holding his phone with the other. “Sorry, guys. Jess isn’t going to be able to make it. She can’t get out of that thing with her parents tonight.” He turns the phone around for Castiel to see the messages when he gets close. “But she’s wishing you the happiest of birthdays and she’s hoping that she might be free later tonight to come over and celebrate.”

Of course Castiel is disappointed that Jess won’t be there for his birthday dinner. He’s also just a little bit disappointed – and he hates himself for feeling it in the first place – that if she comes over tonight that means he likely won’t get any alone time with Dean. It’s still a new and novel concept for him to actually have friends to spend his birthday with, and Castiel is ridiculously conflicted on his feelings for tonight. He wants to spend the day with all his friends and have the fun he never got to have as a child, but he also really wants to be alone with Dean to discover what joys come with sex on his birthday.

Well, if Sam stays for the whole evening and Jess joins them later, at least they’ll still have Dean’s birthday in a few months to try the whole birthday sex again. Granted that’s more than four months away and there’s every possibility that things with Dean might not continue that long. Castiel doesn’t exactly see things going poorly with them any time soon, but if that were to be the case, wouldn’t it make sense to try the birthday sex today?

He does not enjoy feeling like he’s being torn down the center on this topic. It’s best that he forget it for now and just have fun at dinner with two of his closest friends.

Castiel waves his hand and returns to tucking his tie into his vest. “Jess already took me to lunch to celebrate last week. She doesn’t need to worry about not being here tonight.” Though of course he would prefer that she be here. He does enjoy her company a great deal and the dynamic that she has with the Winchesters is just so much fun to be a part of.

Sam laughs and quickly types that out in a message. “Maybe she won’t feel so bad if she remembers that she did that. Though, to be honest, I think she just wants the excuse to not hang out with her parents tonight. That and she really likes the restaurant we’re going to.”

“It’s just the Cheesecake Factory, Sammy.” Dean laughs and claps him on the shoulder. “It’s not like we’re going anywhere super fancy, so I don't see why you _insisted_ that we dress up." True, Sam did say that. But Castiel wanted to dress up for different reasons entirely. "Just get her a slice of cheesecake to go and she’ll be cool.”

“Good point.” He flashes Dean an amused smile and heads for the door, thumbs still flying across the screen of his phone.

Dean graces Castiel with a pleased smile of his own. “Ready to go, birthday boy?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be.” Castiel turns and spreads his arms. “Do I look acceptable?”

With an exaggerated once over, Dean puts a hand to his chin and hums. “Cas, buddy, I think you’d look acceptable in a trash bag.” He snorts a laugh at his own joke and slings an arm around Castiel’s shoulders. “Just because it’s your birthday doesn’t mean you need to put so much effort in. But yeah, you look good.”

He emphasizes that point by openly groping Castiel’s ass with both hands as they leave the apartment. Sam has his back to them as he heads up the hallway, but it’s still a dangerous time to try it. Dean is being very bold tonight and it is extremely confusing. Is he doing this because he wants Sam to know? Or is he just unable to resist how tight these jeans are? There’s any number of explanations, but they all require questions to be asked first and Castiel can’t bring himself to whisper them.  
All he can do as Dean’s fingers squeeze his ass yet again is to slap them away and give him a meaningful look. Dean’s answer is a lascivious grin and he leans in until his lips are against Castiel’s ear. “Later.”  
Oh, how dare he! Castiel throws a disapproving glare at him and shoves Dean away. As if he needs any more ideas put into his head right now. How is he supposed to keep his thoughts clean while they’re out for dinner when Dean is being so very tempting right now? It’s just cruel of him to do that. Castiel really does want to enjoy his time out with Sam tonight. They don’t get to hang out too often outside of their home life together now that he has a job too. Enjoying dinner with Sam is going to be very difficult to do if all Castiel has on his mind is sex with Dean.  
*  
“Thanks for the ride, Dean!” Sam reaches over the back of the seat to give his shoulder a squeeze. “I’ll let you know what’s happening later.” He transfers his grip to Castiel’s shoulder and gives it a solid couple pats. “If I don’t see you again tonight, then lemme give you one last happy birthday.”

Castiel reaches back to cover his hand. “You’ve already given me several.” He turns to give Sam a smile. “Please give my best to Jess and her parents.”

Sam nods and wishes them both well as he gets out of the car. Dean doesn’t put the car into reverse until after Sam has been admitted into Jess’s parent’s house. By some miracle of God, he made the decision to come over here after dinner and Castiel is thanking his lucky stars. Now he got both things that he wanted; a nice dinner with both Winchesters, and some private time with Dean. If he was still as religious as his parents think he is, he would almost say something along the lines of God having heard his prayers and answering them.

They’re not even out of Jess’s driveway before Dean is throwing Castiel a dark look. “I can’t believe you didn’t tell me you know how to speak Chinese.”

Oh! Is this why Dean’s been oddly moody since the restaurant? That certainly explains something. He had much the same reaction when the revelation of Castiel’s Taekwondo skills occurred. “I’m sorry, Dean. I didn’t think it was something worth noting.” Not to mention that it doesn’t actually come up very often for him.

“Cas.” Dean throws him another unhappy frown as he pulls the car back onto the street. “How are you not bragging constantly? Jesus, you taught yourself Chinese for fuck’s sake. That’s pretty damn amazing in anyone’s books.”

He ducks his head and turns to look out the side window. It always makes his cheeks burn whenever Dean praises him for things like this. Castiel likes it when he does this, and that’s perhaps the reason why he quietly adds; “And German.”

“And German!” Dean throws his hands in the air with a sigh before putting the car back into drive. “And we can’t forget that you’ve known French since you were a kid. Seriously, Cas, is there anything else you can do that I don’t know about? You never told me about Taekwondo, and I only learned that you were a virgin after we had sex.”

Castiel shrugs and leans his temple against the window. It’s cool and does wonder for the heat filling his face. “I’m just not in the habit of bragging about myself, and I didn’t think that it was necessary to let you know that I was a virgin. It didn’t seem prudent to mention.”

Dean hums and reaches over to put a hand on Castiel’s knee. “Is there anything else about you that you haven’t thought prudent to tell me?”

Now that’s a heavy question. “Nothing that comes to mind right now.”

He shrugs again but doesn’t look back at Dean. If he does, it might be possible to read the lie in his eyes. There is one large secret that he’s keeping from Dean and it’s one that he won’t be able to tell him for a while yet – if ever. In this case, it’s his feelings for him. Castiel isn’t sure if he’s ever going to be able to tell him that he’s been in love with him for – how long? Has it been more than a year now? It feels like forever to him.

The hand on his knee gives it a good squeeze before pulling away. “Alright, but I want you to tell me if there’s something, okay? I don’t want secrets like that between us. If there’s something you’re awesome at, I wanna know.”

Castiel nods and turns to give him a shy smile. “I promise that there will be no more secrets regarding what I’m awesome at doing.” And since being in love with Dean isn’t something that can be quantified like that, then he has no bad feelings regarding keeping that particular secret.

The earns him a nod of approval and Dean turns his attention to the road. Castiel feels equal parts shy and bold right now, and he waits until they’ve reached the end of the street and are out of sight of Jess’s house before he reaches across the seats to put his hand on Dean’s knee. It’s a tentative touch at first, wary that it might be rejected purely because they’re driving right now. But Dean’s smile grows even though he doesn’t look at Castiel. He drops his hands to rest over top of his and their fingers curl together in the way that causes his heart to stutter painfully in his chest.

It takes him half the drive home to build up the courage for it, but Castiel eventually manages to force himself to move across the seat. He slides over carefully and slowly leans against Dean’s side. This is his birthday and hopefully Dean will see fit to let him be this little bit of selfish tonight. It’s not all that surprising that Dean doesn’t seem to mind. In fact, he wraps his arm around Castiel’s shoulder almost immediately and gives them a good squeeze. He’s now effectively pinned against Dean’s side and there’s really nowhere else that he would rather be.

With a happy hum, Castiel leans his head against Dean’s shoulder and closes his eyes. This is one of his favourite parts of his birthday so far, and he’s really looking forward to what will happen when they get home. Dean hasn’t given him any hint as to what the plans for tonight are, but he’s happy to wait for that conversation. They’ll likely talk about it once they get home, so right now he’s plenty happy to just sit like this and wait for that.

The only time they pull apart is when Dean needs both hands to manage the wheel as they pull into the parking garage. Even then, Castiel stays close. It just feels so nice to be pressed against him. Dean is a solid wall of warmth that he wants to lean against for the rest of forever. And the best part is that the touch is always returned. Dean either leans into him too, or puts an arm around him in some way, shape, or form.

Castiel waits next to the car with his book from Sam and the doggy-bag with their leftovers held with one arm. The moment Dean comes around the side of the Impala, he reaches for him. It’s almost like he does it without thought and wraps his arm around Castiel’s shoulders. The heavy weight of it is more than welcome and Castiel puts his free arm around Dean’s waist for lack of anything better to do. Aside from when they hug, this feels like the first time he’s done this and it makes him feel more than a little warm under the collar.

On the ride up to their floor in the elevator, Castiel decides to try something he’s only ever seen in movies. He watches Dean’s reaction from the corner of his eye as he carefully slides his hand into one of his back pockets. Far as he can tell, there’s no reaction whatsoever. Oh no, that’s not true. There’s a little smile tilting Dean’s lips and, if Castiel isn’t mistaken, it looks like there’s a bit of a blush building in the tops of his ears. That’s just adorable and he wants to see what else he can do to make that blush grow even more.

A kiss seems like a good idea, but he needs to wait until they reach the apartment for that. As soon as they’re inside, Castiel dumbs the bag and book over the back of the couch. He turns into Dean and presses against him, pushing him up against the door and using the momentum of their bodies to shut it. There’s a groan in his throat as he finds Dean’s mouth for a heated kiss. This is everything he wanted all evening and it’s as close to perfect as perfect can get.

Dean makes a surprised noise into the kiss, and Castiel isn’t sure why. It could be because of the kiss itself, or it could very well be because his hands have a mind of their own and they’re currently working under Dean’s pants. If there was ever a time for him to make his point that he wants to top tonight, now would be it. Unfortunately, their mouths are very occupied with each other and the only part of him that can do any speaking right now are his hands.

There is a slight problem with that, though. Castiel really only knows how to finger spell when it comes to sign language, and he’s not sure that Dean knows any. That said, he doesn’t really want to stop them from what they’re doing. It’s like he just can’t get enough of touching Dean’s ass. He just so enjoys how it feels under his hands, and that if he gets a good enough grip, he can actually lift Dean off his feet. That requires a bit of leverage, but he’s more than capable of using that.

Dean groans softly into the kiss and hikes one leg up when Castiel shoves his hand far enough down into his pants to gently press his finger against certain sensitive areas. If that doesn’t get his point across, then gently rubbing Dean’s hole through his underwear just might. At least Dean seems to like it. He makes several happy sounds into their kisses and starts rocking their hips together. Unless he’s told otherwise, Castiel is going to take that to mean that Dean is alright with bottoming tonight.

It comes as somewhat of a surprise when Dean’s hands work their way between them and he pushes Castiel back a step. “I’ve got another present for you, Cas.” He murmurs into the kiss before it breaks completely. “Can we get that taken care of before you destroy my higher brain functions?”

Another gift? Castiel had assumed that a night of sex was going to be his gift from Dean, as that wouldn’t push his budget for the month. Granted, Dean did pay for dinner tonight too, but Sam helped with that. Of course, Castiel isn’t going to turn down any kind of gift – and especially not from one of his most favourite people in the world. He licks his lips and nods slowly, torn between breaking for the gift giving and continuing kissing him more.

Dean smiles, soft and warm, as he pulls Castiel’s hands from the back of his pants. “But you need to be the one to pick out your present, okay?”

What? He blinks away the sexual haze filling his head. Does this mean that Dean doesn’t already have the gift? In that case, what kind of gift could it possibly be? Castiel opens his mouth to ask, but Dean hushes him and guides him into the apartment. He sits him down at the desk in his bedroom, right in front of the laptop. A little bit of disappointment pulses behind Castiel’s ribs, because this means that the gift isn’t actually here. It’s likely going to be ordered online and he’ll have to wait until later for it. That’s fine, really, but he does enjoy the act of opening a present.

Without further ado, Dean opens the laptop and clicks through to a bookmarked page in his browser. It takes a few seconds to load and Castiel forgets how to breathe when it does. The page itself is fairly nondescript, but the items displayed across it in a grid layout knock him for a loop. Collars. Dean wants to buy him a collar. That brings a whole mess of possibilities to mind. If Dean buys a collar for him, does that mean he wants to own Castiel? Does he realize the meaning behind them? Does he have any idea why Castiel wants one in the first place?

Actually, when did he ever mention this to Dean? It’s not like he actually thought about it a whole lot. When was the last time he even thought about these? For the life of him, he can’t remember. But there is one thing that Castiel knows regarding this subject – he does not want to wait for this to ship to them. He’s fairly certain that the store he’s frequented before has some manner of collars available there. There should be more than enough time to make a visit and still have sex before Sam comes home – if he does, that is.

Castiel reaches out and shuts the laptop quickly. It’s impossible to keep the excitement off his face as he turns to look at Dean. “If that’s what you want to buy me, then I don’t want anything online.” He stands so that he can step in close and pulls Dean to him with a loose grip around his waist. “Can we please got to the store to pick one out?”

A frown creases Dean’s forehead and he looks up at the ceiling briefly. “What store?”

Does he really have no idea what store Castiel has frequented in the past? Apparently Benny hasn’t informed Dean about that just yet. Well, that’s going to make things interesting. Hopefully Benny won’t be working today. He did mention that he wanted his second job to remain a secret from Dean. Oh well. If that happens, then it happens and they’ll have to figure out how to deal with it then. Right now, the only thing Castiel cares about is the fact that Dean wants to get him a collar and he might very well get the chance to put one on Dean too.

Castiel can hardly keep himself from smiling as he leans in and kisses Dean softly. His hands are busy again, but this time it’s to tuck Dean’s shirt back into his pants and straighten out their clothing. “I’m going to take you to the store where I’ve bought all our other toys. If you don’t mind going now.”

“You’re the birthday boy, Cas.” Dean shrugs, but he still laughs and pulls Castiel in for another quick kiss. “You decide if you want sex now or later.”

Later. Definitely later. Especially if there’s even a remote chance that he could put Dean in a collar tonight. Castiel would give just about anything for just a few moments where he can feel like Dean belongs to him and only him.

The night took a turn he wasn’t expecting, but he’s excited to see where it’s going to go.


	36. Chapter 36

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Me?” Eventually Dean manages to find his voice again. “You want me in a collar?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings at the bottom of the chapter**
> 
> This chapter takes place during and after [Chapter 17](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/5215205) and [Chapter 18](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/5300300) of the _A Little Patience_ story line.

Castiel is practically vibrating in his seat for the drive to the store. He can hardly contain his excitement at the sheer possibility of putting Dean in a collar tonight. Of course he’s also delighted at the chance to have a collar of his own too, but Castiel can’t shake the image of Dean on his knees with a band of black leather around his neck. Just imagining it sends shivers of pleasure down his spine. If he doesn’t want to walk into the store with half an erection, then he _really_ needs to stop imagining that.

Perhaps he can attribute that particular distraction to the reason why he completely forgot that a certain person might be working. Castiel does feel a moment of guilt when he walks through the door and recognizes Dean’s friend and coworker, Benny, behind the counter. He had been charged with keeping Benny’s secret about this second job, and now he’s just accidentally failed. Granted, it’s not like he actually _knew_ when Benny would be working, but seriously! What were the chances?

“What the _hell_ , dude?” Dean stops just a few steps in the door and points behind the counter. Castiel isn’t sure if the question is directed at him or not, but he stops too and does his best _not_ to look guilty for having kept this secret – or for ruining it.

Benny looks at them both over the edge of his newspaper. “Welcome to my second job.” He raises an eyebrow at Castiel. “I thought you were going to keep this a secret?”

The betrayal in Dean’s voice is almost comical, and yet not at the same time. “Cas, you _knew_?”

“He asked me not to tell you.” Castiel tries to hide his guilt by looking towards the shelves that contain the collars. They’re located on the other side of the shop and far away from Benny. He puts his arm through Dean’s and takes a step towards those shelves in an attempt to pull him along and avoid any further conversation about this matter.

Unfortunately, Dean doesn’t move. Apparently an explanation is going to be required before they can get on with finding his birthday present. Castiel sighs and turns to face them both. “When Gabriel and I went to the garage, Benny gave me his card and insisted that I come to the store. At the time I didn’t realize that he meant it as a _joke_.” He narrows his eyes at Dean in a short glare. “He says he did it because you informed all your friends on the night that I first met them that I was a virgin. But I took the joke seriously, we had a good laugh over it, and now we’re here.”

Dean looks back and forth between Castiel and Benny with a frown. “ _That’s_ why you were blushing?” He flushes a dark red himself only moments later. “Oh my God. Have you _bought_ things from him?” He gestures quickly between Castiel and himself. “Does he _know_?”

Oh Lord have mercy. Castiel sighs and rubs a hand over his face. “He didn’t know anything until you _said_ something.” If Dean wasn’t making a scene, they could have bought the collars and been on their way home by now.

Benny’s newspaper rustles as he lowers it to grin at them. “So, not your boyfriend, huh?”

The questions is obviously directed at Dean, but Castiel feels it like he’s just been slapped in the face. He can’t stop himself from tensing slightly, his grip on Dean’s arm tightening. It takes everything in his power to keep all emotion from his voice when he answers for Dean – since he seems capable of only staring at Benny with an open mouth.

“I’m not his boyfriend.”

That smile doesn’t fall from Benny’s lips any. “Then how does he know what you’ve bought?”

Shit. How is he supposed to answer that without officially outing the fact that he and Dean are involved? Castiel had hoped that saying they aren’t a couple would at least somewhat deflect attention to the fact that they’re here together. Friends go to stores like this together all the time, don’t they? He’ll have to check the internet later to make sure, but he’s pretty sure that friends go together too. It can’t _just_ be people on their own and couples.

Dean clears his throat and answers in Castiel’s stead. “From firsthand experience, actually.”

Well, alright then. Apparently Dean doesn’t care that Benny knows that they’re involved sexually. Benny, however, doesn’t seem impressed. “ _Oh_.” His smile falls and his gaze flicks back and forth between Dean and Castiel. “You two are just – you’re _like that_ , then?”

Even Castiel can tell what he means and he decides to continue playing through on Dean’s choice. “On occasion.” He shrugs and gives Dean another pull towards the shelves. “Please excuse us. We have my birthday present to pick out.”

This time, Dean actually moves. Castiel drags him straight across the entire store to the shelves standing in the middle of the room where the collars are on display. They’re a wonderful distraction from every terrifying second of awkwardness. The tension is making Dean a rigid robot of a person next to him and Castiel should probably do something about that before the rest of this evening goes to hell. He has _plans_ for tonight and he’ll be damned before he loses that chance.

“Don’t worry, Dean. Benny isn’t going to say anything. Being discreet is a sex shop’s business and you know it.” Castiel keeps his voice low as he starts turning one of the stands. He wants to see the collars from all sides.

“But he _knows_ , Cas.” Dean shifts out of sight.

He’s nervous and clearly uncomfortable with this situation. If Castiel wants to salvage the rest of this evening, he’s going to need to work fast to divert Dean’s focus. “To my knowledge, that fits rather well with the reputation that you’ve cultivated. And he wouldn’t be the first person I’ve met who thinks that you and I are in a relationship.”

“ _What_?”

Okay, that sounded like it worked. Castiel glances over his shoulder at him to make sure that Dean’s attention is on him. “Half the people I work with assume that you and I have been sleeping together since I moved in, or that we’ve been dating longer than that. And Jess has asked me at least once a month if you’ve asked me out yet.”

In hindsight, telling Dean about that probably didn’t help much. But, on the bright side, he does stop asking questions. Instead, he stands in place and stares at Castiel. That’s better than freaking out about Benny, so he returns to inspecting the collars. The ones with the D-rings are the most interesting and he migrates over to those stands. There are buckles on the backs of those collars and they’re a good inch or so wide, a nice soft leather, and each one has studs of a different colour.

There’s something about the collars with the green studs that draws Castiel’s attention the most. Only a couple of the collars have green on them and he spends his time trying to decide whether he likes the one with silver accents and green bolts, or green accents and silver bolts. That one is a little _too_ over the top with the colour. Castiel wants something subtle, and maybe just a little classy looking. This collar is going to be for him, after all. Or – should he pick one out for Dean? There was no specification who the collar would be for, and Castiel _really_ wants to have Dean wear one tonight.

Just thinking about that makes his heart pump that little bit quicker. What if he tries one on himself first? That will answer all the questions. Because if he doesn’t like the feel of wearing a collar, than the one that they get tonight can be for Dean. Oh, but what if he doesn’t like wearing a collar either? Should he ask him? Dean hasn’t given his opinion on them one way or another yet, and usually he wouldn’t shy away from doing that.

Fine, Castiel will just bring that up later. For now, he _definitely_ wants to try on a collar. And this silver accented one with the green bolts is the clearly the nicest. His hands shake slightly as he takes the collar off the display. There’s a mirror on the wall at the end of the aisle and he can’t wait to see what this looks like – if he could get the damn thing on. The buckle at the back is a little unwieldy, considering how unused he is to putting something on like this, but he does his best until Dean takes over.

The soft brush of fingers across the back of his neck is both tantalizing and ticklish. Castiel shivers at the feeling and tries his best not to squirm _too_ much as Dean tightens the collar into place. After getting over the initial discomfort of having something tight around his throat when he’s not used to it, this is rather nice. There’s an odd sense of security filling him, and not just a little bit of delight. Now he absolutely _needs_ to see how he looks in this.

Castiel quickly makes his way over to the mirror on the wall, intent on getting a good look at himself. The moment he’s standing in front of it, he forgets how to breathe. The stark black of the collar stands out against the column of his throat and the green of the studs keep catching his eye. He can hardly tear his eyes away from it. In fact, rather than seeing him, he only notices Dean’s presence as he essentially presses up against his back.

Everything changes the moment Dean clips an actual _leash_ to the d-ring at the front of the collar. It’s an almost immediate reaction within him. Castiel’s blood starts to boil in his veins and it’s suddenly _very_ hard to breathe. His eyes trails down to where Dean’s hand is resting against his chest with the leash wrapped around it. He can hardly get his brain to accept what he’s seeing. _Dean_ is holding a _leash_ attached to _Castiel’s_ collar.

Oh good Lord on high. This is _too much_. Or so he thought – until he looks up at Dean and sees the look in his eyes. There’s fire in his eyes and Castiel loses all sense of how to actually breathe. His mouth and lips feel unnaturally dry. It’s all he can do to make his body move to lick his lips. Immediately, Dean pulls at the leash to turn Castiel on the spot. Of course he trips all over his own feet, incapable of moving like his joints haven’t suddenly fused together from the sheer heat building under his skin.

To Castiel’s great surprise, Dean doesn’t seem to hesitate with pushing him back against the mirror. He can’t even holds himself back from moaning at the downright _scorching_ kiss Dean lays on him. His hands fumble to pull Dean in closer, seeking that solid feel of their bodies together. By now he’s probably sweating through every layer of clothing he’s wearing, and Castiel can’t bring himself to care. On his list of priorities, the state of his clothing is at the very bottom. Being caught by Benny is a little higher up, but it’s still not something he can bother to think about right now.

A soft whine of disappointment fills the space between them as Dean steps back again. That was _far_ too short and he needs to get back here and keep kissing Castiel before any sort of embarrassment manages to catch up with his brain. Right now he’s blessedly free of any sense of guilt for shamelessly making out Dean in the middle of a store currently being run by one of Dean’s coworkers, but it’s only a matter of time before the collar-induced fog in his head clears up and Castiel realizes what he’s doing. Or, for another matter, when he notices that he very much wants to drop to his knees in front while wearing this collar and leash, and wait until he’s given an order to do whatever Dean wants him to do.

“So, this one, then?” Dean grins and gives the leash a little tug, as if he’s reading Castiel’s mind.

Oh yes, absolutely. He definitely wants this one for himself because it looks so _good_ on him. Not to mention that it had a wonderful effect on Dean. Since he kissed Castiel with such fervor, it must mean that he likes it too, right? Did he like the idea of being in control as if Castiel belonged to him? Because right now, Castiel _really_ likes that feeling. If possible, he doesn’t want Dean to let go of the leash and he almost wants to wear this right out of here so _everyone_ can see who he belongs to.

Which brings to mind the very idea of Dean wearing a collar of his own. Would that be too much to ask for? Castiel glances back to the shelves with the collars and bites his bottom lip. How much begging would he need to do to convince Dean to wear one too? Oh, that mental image is _so nice_. Castiel’s heart briefly stutters in its current hummingbird rhythm at the thought of Dean wearing a collar, but the leash is in _his_ hands.

Dean laughs softly and drops his voice into a teasing cadence. “What, you want another one to match your other shirt?”

“Never mind.” Castiel sighs and reaches back to undo the collar. “Just this one, please.”

Obviously it would be too much for him to ask Dean to get one too. If he wanted one, Castiel would have heard about it by now. Purely because Dean would likely have said something about it at this point, especially given their current situation. And, of course, the fact that Castiel is wearing one. He would have said something if he was interested in getting one himself.

With the leash unclipped and in his hands, Dean swings it slightly to get Castiel’s attention. “D’you want this too, or…?”

A leash isn’t exactly necessary, but he does have to admit that he liked it when Dean pulled him around by it. With a sigh, he reaches back to start undoing his collar. “That will be fine.” Too bad it’s not what he _really_ wants – and that’s a second collar that would suit Dean.

“Seriously, Cas, if you want another collar then I’ll get you two.” There’s a hint of defeat in Dean’s voice as he takes Castiel by the arm and pulls him back towards the shelves. “This way I won’t have to worry about Christmas.”

Well, if Dean _really_ wants to buy Castiel a second one, he’s not going to complain. He _is_ however going to perhaps subtly hint that this purchase shouldn’t be for him. “But I don’t want another one for me.”

His hinting doesn’t seem to get across well. “Then why are you –”

Fine. Castiel apparently needs to spell it out for him. “I want one for _you_.”

Dean seems to understand that. He opens his mouth but says nothing as he stares at Castiel for an uncomfortably long period of time. At this point, any amount of time feels uncomfortable. What if Dean says he doesn’t want it? What if that makes him change his mind entirely and he decides not to get the one in Castiel’s hands either? That would be _so_ disappointing. Though, of course, he could just buy it for himself. Okay, that will be his backup plan.

“Me?” Eventually Dean manages to find his voice again. “You want _me_ in a collar?”

Now that he’s made his desires known, there’s no point in letting his embarrassment win out over it. Regardless, a blush still makes his ears start to burn. “Yes, please. I’ll even pay for it, if that will help convince you to get one.”

“But – why?” He looks between Castiel and the display of collars, brows furrowed in confusion.

Is this really going to require an explanation? Or is Dean not understanding because he doesn’t actually want one of his own? Alright then. If he’s going to be honest about his desires tonight, at least in this regard, then he might as well. There’s more than just the collar that he wants from Dean this evening and he hasn’t exactly raised it between them just yet. He doesn’t have anything to lose by being blunt about what he wants for his birthday.

“I want to fuck you tonight and I want you to wear a collar when I do it.” He makes sure to keep his voice down, just in case Benny might be trying to eavesdrop.

His words don’t seem to register with Dean. All Castiel gets is an empty stare. “Sorry, what?”

Castiel shrugs and turns his attention back to those. He’ll say it once more and then he’s going to give up on this and settle for just the collar he hands off to Dean. Until then, he can at least to look at the options for Dean in the case that he does agree to wear one tonight. “I said that I want to get you a collar because I would like to see you in one when I’m fucking you tonight.”

Dean makes a soft, choked sound. “Can’t I just wear this one?”

No, absolutely _not_. He throws Dean a dark look because how dare he even suggest such a thing. That’s _Castiel’s_ collar and no one else is ever going to be allowed to wear it. And that goes for the one that he wants to get for Dean, if he can find a suitable one. Oh, and only if Dean is comfortable with having one for himself, of course. And if he does end up wanting one, Castiel has just found the perfect one for him. It’s essentially the same as his, but the coloured bits are blue instead of green and they would suit him just _so_ nicely.

With the new collar in hand, Castiel turns back to face him. Dean flushes a little darker, but he’s easily guided to the mirror again by just a simple touch to his elbow. He faces the mirror and Castiel practically molds himself to Dean’s back, not even stopping to think twice about Benny or the possibility that any other customer might come in. Every inch of him wants to be as close to Dean as he can get right now, and it takes an incredible amount of focus to follow through with putting the collar on him.

Castiel does it slowly. He wants to give Dean all the time in the world to refuse this if he doesn’t want it.  By some miracle of God, no objections come. Dean shuffles in place slightly, but he makes no move to take off the collar, and he swallows thickly when Castiel clips the leash onto his collar too – just because he wants to see what it looks like. And – and – and _wow_. That looks _amazing_. Especially with the leash wrapped around _his_ hand. It’s one of the greatest things Castiel has ever seen.

Any sense of reason flies out the window and his brain shuts down. In the blink of an eye, Castiel has Dean’s back against the mirror and his mouth on his throat. His hands have a mind of their own and already set on a trek to get Dean’s shirt out of his pants. All Castiel wants in the world at this very moment is to get his hands on the smooth skin underneath all those layers. No, no. Never mind that. What he _really_ wants is to feel Dean move against him.

Everything is instinct now as Castiel moves his hands to Dean’s ass to pull him closer. He starts rocking his hips to the mantra pounding through his head that consists of nothing but; _mine_. If Dean wore a collar like this all the time, no one would ever touch him. He’d belong to Castiel and no one else and that’s making him go maybe just a little bit delirious. Things get a little worse when Dean’s hand slides into his hair and it only spurs him on further – until that grip pulls him back.

Now that is _not fair_. Castiel voices his displeasure in a rumbling growl. Dean must get the message, because he pulls him back in for a rough kiss that does a ridiculously good job of destroying Castiel’s mental functions all the more.

“ _Okay_.” Dean murmurs into their kiss. “I’ll get them both.”

This is officially the best birthday ever and Castiel shows Dean his delight by continuing the kiss. There is very little keeping him from stripping them both down to nothing but the collars so they can get right down to business. At least one of them has some sense though, because Dean eventually manages to pry Castiel away. He pulls Castiel’s hands from under his shirt and has to actually lead him by the arm towards the counter.

It feels like there’s a haze in the room. The only thing Castiel can actually see – can actually _focus_ on – is Dean. He can’t stop himself from standing as close as he possibly can while Dean fumbles his way out of the collar so Benny can ring it through the with the other one and the leash. There’s only a short drive between when he’ll have Dean alone in their apartment, wearing that collar and focused entirely on _him_. That’s what he wants for his birthday. Him and Dean. Just the two of them. Together. _Together_.

And then Benny brings reality crashing back to the surface. “Enjoy your purchase, boys.”

He salutes them as Dean hands the bag off to Castiel and leads him to the door. They both mumble their goodbyes and head out into the warm evening. Castiel opens the bag and stares at the collars and leash curled inside. These might be able to fool him for a little while, but just because Dean wears his collar doesn’t mean that he’ll really belong to him. It’s been how many minutes since they confirmed for Benny that they weren’t _together_? The contents of this bag aren’t going to change that any, no matter how many birthday candles Castiel blows out.

His mood plummets with every step to the car and every block they pass on the drive home. Dean doesn’t say anything between when they leave the store and when they finally walk into the apartment. In fact, he doesn’t even say anything then, and neither does Castiel. He doesn’t know what to say. All his words have left him, along with most of his enthusiasm for this night. Which is why he immediately heads for the bathroom.

Once alone, Castiel spends a solid few minutes splashing his face with water. This isn’t the first time he’s felt the ache in his chest at the truth of his relationship with Dean. It won’t be the last, and he’s learned to accept that. Just like he did with that, he’s going to get over this moment and go out there to spend the rest of tonight like was originally planned. Castiel is going to be with Dean the only way he’s allowed and it’s going to be _great_. Because they’ll still be together and, regardless of everything else, he’ll still have _this_. That’s better than nothing, right?

Following that spirit, Castiel takes another few minutes to take a soapy wet cloth to freshen up below the belt – after a quick use of the toilet. Since he expects at least one blow job tonight, he should make sure that he’s nice and clean for Dean. If there’s one thing Castiel will lay claim to about this relationship, it will be that he has been Dean’s _cleanest_ lover in every sense of the word.

He’s drying his hands on his pants as heads back into the living room. Not for the first time tonight, Dean utterly destroys Castiel’s ability to thing. His feet refuse to work and he comes to a sharp stop just two steps past the corner. Dean has stripped down to his pants and already put the blue studded collar and leash on. The black of the leather stands out against his skin and the stark contrast makes his mouth run dry. He swallows thickly and licks his lips as every feeling from the store comes crashing back.

Dean spreads his arms and cocks one of his eyebrows. “C’mon, birthday boy, tell me what you want me to do.” His voice is smooth and deep and it skitters down Castiel’s spine in a truly _pleasant_ shiver.

After that, he’s not too sure how he ends up with Dean pressed against the wall by the bedroom door. Castiel is too focused on kissing and touching him, moving Dean’s hands to where he wants them, and stumbling their way along the wall. He can’t stop himself. Everything is just – it’s _Dean_ wearing the collar _he_ picked. How is Castiel supposed to think through the overwhelming feeling that Dean belongs to _him_ right now? It’s an impossible task that he makes no attempt at doing.

Halfway into the bedroom, Castiel brings them both to a stop. With some effort, he steps away from the kiss. There are all manner of things that he could do right now, but there’s only one desire he has right now that _needs_ to be addressed. He pulls at the leash and Dean slowly moves to his knees without breaking eye contact. Now _that_ is truly a sight to behold and it is _breathtaking_. Castiel can’t stop himself from touching, no matter how much he just wants to look at him.

A too-warm heat settles in his chest as Castiel runs his hand through Dean’s hair. He slides it to his cheek and caresses his bottom lip with his thumb. Sometimes it’s just too amazing to realize that he’s allowed to actually _touch_ Dean like this without any repercussions. It’s almost too much for his heart when Dean leans into his hand or gently flicks his tongue against his thumb. There’s a fire in Dean’s eyes that burns straight through Castiel’s soul, and he couldn’t look away if he wanted to.

With a gentle care, he slowly applies more pressure to Dean’s lip until his thumb slips past them. One corner of Dean’s mouth twitches up in a half smile as he presses his teeth in. It’s not exactly a bite, but Castiel still pulls the leash in a slight warning. He doesn’t mind giving or getting bitten when they’re having sex, but it’s a bit worrisome when Dean is in a biting mood while on his knees. Particularly when there are sensitive parts that Castiel _really_ wants to put in his mouth right now.

The warning seems to be enough and Dean closes his eyes. He sucks lightly at Castiel’s thumb and the feeling travels up his arm, down his torso, and settles hot and pulsing in his gut. That’s all it takes for him to be _very_ ready to move things along again. But first –

“Do we need a safe word, Dean?” They’ve never used collars before and if Dean is going to submit to him for his birthday, Castiel wants to make sure that he doesn’t do anything he might not like. There are a number of ideas piling up in his mind, though it’s nothing they haven’t really done before. Maybe a few surprises here or there, but he wants Dean to have that out to stop them if he doesn’t like any of those surprises.

Dean leans his head back, letting Castiel’s thumb fall free. “What do you think of using _Kansas_?” He shrugs and tilts his head slightly. “It’s the first thing I can think of.”

“I like it.” That was relatively easy and Castile leans down to kiss Dean gently. “May I continue now?”

“Depends on what you’re planning.”

Castiel shifts his gaze to a spot on the carpet over Dean’s shoulder. A few of the things he wants to try are things that Dean expressed interest in before. So, it wouldn’t be considered _new_ would it? It could be considered a surprise without really being a surprise, right? Sure, he’ll go with that. He isn’t going to flat out lie to Dean’s face, but he doesn’t want to tell the whole truth yet either.

“I promise I will do nothing that we haven’t already done.”

It looks like Dean is contemplating that for a moment or two, but then he nods and Castiel can hardly keep himself from grinning. He pulls at the leash again and moves his hand into his hair, pulling his head back enough for a rough kiss. Castiel dies a little inside as he forces himself to keep it short and step away. There’s something he needs to get in the other room, even though it’s killing him to have to leave the room for any reason.

“Don’t. Move.” Castiel murmurs the command as he lays the leash over Dean’s shoulders.

He’s answered with a disappointed groan, but Dean listens. By the time Castiel returns to the room with his camera hanging around his neck, he hasn’t moved an inch. Dean’s eyes go wide when he spots the camera, and his mouth opens into a soft ‘o’. When he first discovered Castiel’s love for photography, he had expressed interest in having his picture taken while they were being intimate. Even if Dean later asks for the pictures to be deleted, there’s still a thrill humming through Castiel’s veins at being allowed to capture these moments on digital film.

A hearty flush fills Dean’s cheeks and spreads down into his chest while the camera starts up. Castiel takes his time with the settings and making sure the lens is properly attached, if only to let Dean stew in the realization of what’s about to happen. When he’s ready, he takes the leash in one hand again and takes up the same position they were in before. Dean opens to the press of his thumb without hesitation and Castiel tightens his grip on the camera.

While he could easily put the camera on video mode and film this, Castiel would much rather have a picture of it. He set it to burst shot and the shutter flickers wildly as multiple pictures are taken. Dean looks straight into the lens as he purposefully sucks at Castiel’s thumb. There’s only so long that he can put up with that before he’s pulling at the leash again to get Dean to lean in closer.

“Blow me, Dean.”

The command is, to his great delight, followed without complaint again. Dean uses his hands to undo Castiel’s belt, while he looks up into the camera. It’s that look that changes his mind and Castiel quickly switches from photo to video mode. He wants a video of this, if only because he thinks Dean might _really_ like to see this for future masturbatory material. Castiel would definitely use it, that’s for certain – especially when Dean leans forward to use his _teeth_ and tongue to pop the button of his jeans and work the zipper down. How in the world did he do _that_?

Dean only uses his hands again to pull Castiel’s pants down his thighs. He makes no move to do the same to his underpants, instead taking his time without mouthing and nosing at Castiel’s erection through the fabric. It’s exhilarating and the friction is superb. He can hardly hold still and forces himself not to squirm at the sensation. His mouth is open to help him breathe, but it’s letting out any number of quiet sounds that he couldn’t stop making if he tried.

Eventually, after what feels like forever, Dean brings his hands up again to pull his underwear down too. He looks up at the camera again as he wraps his lips around Castiel’s erection and swallows him down. As much as he hates looking away, he can’t keep his eyes open at the wet heat of Dean’s mouth around him. With his hand still in Dean’s hair, Castiel keeps him there for a few short moments, reveling in the sensations. It feels like forever since he’s had this.

When he lets Dean go enough to start moving of his own accord, Castiel switches back to photo mode. He doesn’t care that Dean’s hands are on his ass, squeezing as he pulls him forward into the welcoming heat of his mouth. Even though he’s supposed to be the one in control here, Castiel still lets himself be guided into rocking his hips to move in and out of the tight circle of Dean’s lips. Clearly he must like this too, because a groan rumbles low in Dean’s throat and the vibrations are _amazing_.

The only time that Castiel takes issue with Dean’s flighty hands is when one of his fingers get a little too frisky. He tightens his grip in Dean’s hair in warning and his hands move away into safer zones. On any other occasion, Castiel would be more than happy to let Dean finger him while he’s on the receiving end of a blow job. But that’s not what he wants to do tonight. In fact, if they want to get started on that, they need to move this to a more horizontal location.

Castiel steps back, making sure that Dean can’t follow after him. He uses the leash to make Dean get back on his feet again. While he would _love_ to continue filming and taking pictures of what’s about to follow, Castiel is going to need both hands for this. Regretfully, he turns to put his camera on the bookshelf. Hopefully they won’t knock it from there. He would be absolutely _devastated_ if they ended up breaking his new camera.

Once it’s safe and secure, Castiel pulls Dean to him because it’s been _much_ too long since they’ve kissed. He also always gets a bit of thrill from being able to taste himself on Dean’s tongue. And there’s something to be said about how Dean melts into the kisses, especially when Castiel makes sure to use every single thing he’s come to learn in these past few months. It’s made all the better by how Dean gives no quarter here either. Although Castiel is supposed to be the one in charge, he gets as good as he gives and it’s just so _Dean_ of him to do.

It comes to his attention that Dean is far too overdressed now and Castiel forces himself to step away again, this time letting go of the leash. “Strip.”

Though the command is followed, Dean takes his sweet time doing it. His hands slide down his belly before he thumbs open the button of his jeans. The zipper releases one agonizingly slow tooth at a time, but it’s worth it as Dean slides his jeans and underpants over his hips. He wiggles them slightly and Castiel has to take a deep breath to keep himself from pouncing. Damn, he should have held onto his camera a little longer. This would have been _perfect_ to take a video of.

Once Dean is naked, Castiel spreads his arms. “Now me.” He still has his pants pooled around his ankles, and his shirt. It feels a little ridiculous to be honest. When was the last time, if ever, that he was naked from the waist down?

Again, Dean complies without comment. He crouches to help Castiel step out of his pants, and leans in to press wet kisses along his thighs. That’s well outside of what he was told to do, but Castiel can’t bring himself to complain. A low hum resonates in the back of his throat as Dean licks over his erection again, but passes it quickly to kiss up his stomach. His hands move ahead of his mouth, undoing the buttons of the vest and shirt from the bottom up until he can push them from Castiel’s shoulders.

Of all things, Castiel wasn’t expecting the heated leather of the leash to brush against his erection as Dean continues to move upwards. It catches him by surprise and he sucks it a sharp breath at the feeling. That makes Dean pause, but it’s only for a moment before he returns to kissing across Castiel’s chest. He mouths over his nipples while his fingers deftly loosen the tie still hanging around his neck. It’s one of the last things he has to take off.

And that’s long enough without kissing. Castiel pulls Dean in by his hair again to lick back into his mouth. His hands can’t hold still any longer, and he explores Dean’s body with sweeping, gentle touches. He takes his time with it; hips, stomach, chest and everything in between. The one thing Castiel avoids like the plague is Dean’s erection. It’s a silent punishment for going outside of the stripping parameters by doing all those body kisses. They were amazing, but it was more than he should have done.

Once he gets his hands on the leash again, Castiel uses it to guide Dean into backing towards the bed. When they reach the edge of it, he pushes Dean down to the mattress, enjoying the way the leash pulls tight. Castiel has to follow him on to the bed as he moves back up to rest against the pillows. He stretches out between Dean’s legs and leans in to mouth along the edge of the collar again. That was one of the highlights of the trip to the store earlier and he can’t resist running his tongue along where the collar meets Dean’s skin.

They rock together as Castiel slowly by surely makes his way down his body until he reaches his erection. He _could_ pay attention to it, or – Oh, that is an absolutely _wonderful_ idea. And it’s just the way to throw a little joviality into their sex life.

Castiel pushes himself up and tilts his head with a smile. “Are you my birthday gift, Dean?”

Dean shrugs and rolls his hips, clearly unable to hold still. “Just a bonus. The collars were your present.”

Well, that was obvious, but there’s a plan unfolding in his mind that he’s seen all of once in one of Dean’s pornos and he absolutely _has_ to try it right now. As much as he hates doing it, Castiel leaves the bed for a quick perusal of the contents of Dean’s closet. What he wants isn’t there and that’s just disappointing, because now he needs to leave Dean even _more_ to go find what he wants – which is likely in the hall closet.

“What are you doing?”

Castiel pauses at the door. “ _Don’t_ move.”

When he finds the box he needs, exactly where he thought it would be, he returns to the room with the whole box. Castiel _could_ have gone through all of Sam’s gift wrapping supplies right there in the hall, but he’d much rather be back in the room with Dean. There’s just this _need_ bubbling within him that demands he be as close to Dean as possible when they’re together – and especially when they’re both naked and very, _very_ aroused.

He puts the box on the edge of the bed and quickly riffles through it to find what he seeks. Castiel is so focused on finding the bright pink ribbon that he doesn’t even feel the need to admonish Dean for touching himself while he’s waiting. After measuring out an appropriate amount of ribbon, he rips it with his teeth. Dean drops his hand when the box gets moved to the floor and he spreads his legs just a little wider. Does he know where Castiel is going with this?

Since he’s on his feet again, he grabs his camera because _this_ is going to be something that needs to be preserved for all eternity. Unless, of course, if Dean demands that the pictures be deleted. Otherwise, Castiel is going to treasure it forever. Speaking of Dean, his jaw is very much dropped. He gets what’s going on, and he’s not doing anything to stop this. Castiel grins as he puts the camera aside to tie a loose little _bow_ around Dean’s erection.

Dean snorts a laugh and drops back against the pillow. He stretches out to put the bow on display while Castiel turns the camera on again and takes another picture. Oh, the bow needs some adjusting. It’s looking a little floppy and he wants it to be just as perky as Dean’s erection for the picture.

“Anything else you want to tie a ribbon on while you’re at it, master? You could put a pretty little bow on my collar too, if you want.”

It feels like the world comes to a standstill. Castiel even forgets how to breathe. _What_ did Dean just call him? He looks up at him slowly, trying very hard to comprehend exactly _why_ he likes the idea of being called _master_. The idea of owning someone is unappealing at best, but he _loves_ the idea of Dean belonging to him just for this little while. And now he wants to taste that word on his tongue. No, he _needs_ to taste it.

Using the leash, Castiel drags Dean up into a sitting position. He cups the back of his head with one hand and kisses him like that’s how he breathes. Dean’s hands are like vices on his shoulders and Castiel surges forward, pushing him back down.

“Again.” He breaks their kisses to mouth along the collar again. “Call me that again.” He wants to hear it again just to make sure that he really likes it and that wasn’t just a reaction to Dean’s voice.

But as much as Castiel might want to hear it, Dean doesn’t say anything. After a few moments, he lifts his head to look Dean over. Did they cross a line here? It’s possible that _master_ was said purely out of sarcasm and his request to hear it more isn’t exactly what Dean wanted to hear. _Damn_. They just got started. How did he already manage to derail this?

A slow smile spreads across Dean’s lips and he rolls his body in a sensual wave that sends sparks skittering across Castiel’s vision. Gentle fingers sweep across his back until there are fingers in his hair to pull him into a searing kiss. What starts as a moan becomes a whispered _master_ into the kiss, and once again it’s like electricity through Castiel’s veins. And again the desire to touch absolutely every inch of Dean becomes overpowering.

“Again.” He murmurs as he starts working his way down Dean’s body again, kissing and licking and sucking at every available opportunity.

Dean hums softly and scrapes his nails through Castiel’s hair. “You wanna be my _master_ , Cas? Is that why you wanted to put a _collar_ on me?”

That wasn’t what it was meant to be for, but he’s certainly enjoying it. Just as Dean seems to be enjoying where Castiel’s mouth is heading, apparently. He lifts his hips in an obvious gesture. “C’mon, Cas. If you wanna be my _master_ , y’gotta _work_ for it.”

Oh, _really_? Castiel looks up from where he’s contemplating dipping his tongue into Dean’s naval. If he’s supposed to be the master, then why is Dean being so disobedient? No, not that. He’s being _pushy_ , and Castiel is enjoying it to a surprising extent. When Dean is like this, and especially now that he’s wearing a collar, it makes Castiel want to push back. It’s a _challenge_ and that’s just exciting. And Dean seems to get the same idea, because his grin grows and he rocks his hips again.

If Dean wants to play this game, than Castiel is more than happy to comply. But not in the way that Dean wants him to. He’s more than aware that what Dean wants right now is some oral reciprocation, and he’ll certainly get that. Too bad it won’t be in the way that he wants it. Well, he’ll likely enjoy it anyways. Castiel knows Dean well enough and he knows that he’s going to love it.

Besides, he needs to take this slowly. It _needs_ to be different than the last time they had some _very_ intense sex. That was when they were angry and fighting. Even though it wasn’t actually a scene, Castiel definitely dominated Dean throughout it and he hates everything that happened. Both during and after. So today will _not_ be like that. He will provide every ounce of care Dean needs during and afterwards, regardless of whatever intensity they reach.

With Dean’s legs over his shoulders, he slides down to stretch out on his belly and gets right to business well below his balls. Castiel knows what Dean likes and he makes sure that he’s _extra_ loud as he works his tongue over and _in_. He’ll use his fingers later, but this is definitely getting the desired effect. Dean is gripping the bed covers with both hands and his hips keep twitching as he tries so hard to hold still. It’s exactly where Castiel wants him to be.

“Goddammit, Cas. You son-of-a- _bitch_.”

Dean arches his back with a moan, and Castiel knows he’s winning. This could be considered playing dirty, since he very rarely works Dean open with his tongue first. But at least Dean is learning his lesson regarding who is actually in charge right now. It doesn’t take long for him to be reduced to vulgar language and a never ending litany of Castiel’s name. Dean can’t be far off from asking – nay, _begging_ – for him to do something else. And _that_ is why he ignores every pleading version of his name that Dean whimpers into the heated air of the bedroom.

He knows without looking when Dean decides enough is enough. Castiel doesn’t even look as he reaches up to grab his wrist and hold them back down on the bed. If this is what he needs to do to keep Dean from touching himself, then that’s what he’s going to do. He has a very good reason why he’s ignoring Dean’s erection, despite how Castiel really does enjoy giving him a blow job. There’s a certain thrill to it when he sees just how much Dean enjoys receiving one.

Since Dean seems to be taking his time with asking him to move on, Castiel is perfectly happy spending his time worshipping the long stretches of Dean’s thighs, or teasing the base of his erection with mouth and tongue. This is just as torturous for him too, of course. Every reaction he manages to draw out of Dean burrows deep under Castiel’s skin. He can’t stop himself from rubbing against the bedspread. No matter how strong he tries to be, even he needs some form of release with this.

Castiel lifts his head slightly to level Dean with a glare when he tenses his thighs together. Of course he gets why Dean is doing it, but he doesn’t enjoy having his head squeezed even remotely. Let alone that he’s not going to give in. As a punishment for that, Castiel looks to his left and gives Dean’s thigh a reproving bite. Dean’s whole body twitches at that and he sucks in a sharp breath. Oh, but that’s a nice reaction. He rewards it with a soft kiss to Dean’s other thigh.

With a loud groan verging on becoming a growl, Dean throws his head back against the pillow. “Would you just _get on_ with it already?”

A heel digs painfully into Castiel’s shoulder, but he ignores it in favour of returning to working Dean open with his tongue. This time, however, he focuses on teasing him instead. It’s just so _fun_ to see how Dean squirms at this. And who knows how long it will be before Castiel can tease him like this again?

“Jesus fuck, _Cas_.” Dean’s voice cracks as he rolls his hips, pushing down against his tongue. It’s obviously that he wants more. All he needs to do is ask nicely. “Enough is enough. Just –”

When the rest of Dean’s sentence doesn’t come, Castiel moves up to casually mouth over his balls again, just so he can see what’s going on. He’s greeted with the lovely column of Dean’s throat as he tilts his chin up. It hides his face, which Castiel would rather like to see, but he’ll allow it this one time. Especially because only a few moments later he hears a soft hiss of _exactly_ what he wanted to hear.

“ _Master_.”

Once again, a shiver courses through Castiel’s body at that one word. He’s honestly not sure if he just likes being called that, or if it’s because Dean is the one saying it. To know for certain, he would need to have someone else call him that. That will be rather difficult, considering how Castiel has zero desire to be in such a situation with anyone other than Dean. It could be that he likes the title of being the one in control? Very rarely has he had any control over his own life, so it’s rather nice to be in power right now.

As he lifts his head, Dean shivers and mutters the exact word Castiel has been waiting to hear; “ _Please_.”

While he would prefer to have Dean tell him in precise terms what he wants done, this has been going on for long enough. Castiel’s patience isn’t limitless and he has his own needs to see to as well. It’s been forever since they’ve kissed, so it only seems right to reward himself with one for being able to hold out this long. Dean groans and pushes up into the kiss, stealing the majority of Castiel’s focus. That makes it a little difficult to get the lube, but luckily he had the foresight to sneak into Dean’s room and stash the bottle under the pillow before they left for dinner earlier.

It takes a few fumbling moments for him to open the lube and squeeze some out onto his fingers one handed, but he manages to get it done. A lot of it probably ended up on the bed itself, but he can’t bring himself to care right now. Not when he has Dean groaning against his lips again as Castiel slides one slick finger into him. Despite only having used his tongue so far, Dean is looser than expected and a second finger easily slips in next to the first.

Castiel hisses, both in surprise and in pain, when Dean’s fingers twist into his hair and pull. And then he quickly loses the ability to think because with a twist of his tongue and catch of his teeth, Dean takes full control of the kissing. He does exactly what only he can do, and methodically starts to turn Castiel’s bones to jelly from the heat of these kisses.

“Cas.” Dean mumbles against his lips, giving Castiel a chance to gasp a breath. His brain just can’t multitask breathing through his nose along with everything else when Dean kisses him like this.

His hips rock purposefully against Castiel’s fingers. “Just do it already.”

Well, he _could_ , or he could wait until Dean tells him what he wants. One exception was already made, and Castiel isn’t going to make another. Especially since Dean didn’t use the magic words. He’s going to need his mouth for that, so Castiel diverts his attention back towards the collar. At this point, the leash is mostly useless and he should probably take it off so it doesn’t get caught between them and pull painfully. And yet… a whole bevy of delicious ideas fill his mind at what he could do with it.

“C’mon, Cas.” Dean pulls purposefully at Castiel’s hair again to get his attention, even while he tilts his head back further to bare his all too tempting throat. “Just – just _c’mon_ already.”

With the slow purpose of nature itself, Castiel pointedly ignores every attempt Dean makes to get him to do anything beyond this. He angles his hand to ensure the next thrust of his fingers brushes over Dean’s prostate. When he does that, he can actually _hear_ Dean swallow down his reaction. It’s just an example of what’s to come, but it must be enough. After a few deep breaths, Dean’s will breaks and Castiel has never felt more victorious for it.

“Please.” It comes through gritted teeth, but it’s still a win in his books. “ _Master_ , please f–” Dean stops to take a deep breath. “Please _fuck me_.”

Castiel honestly cannot think of a single moment in his life where he has been _so happy_ to oblige to a request. He suppresses a full body shiver as he sits back to get himself ready. The lube is cool on his skin, and that’s _incredibly_ helpful. At this point, he’s so ready for this that he might very well come seconds after entering Dean. Considering how this is his birthday sex, he would very much like to have things continue for a _much_ longer time than that.

He’s so focused on lubing up that Castiel only realizes that Dean is moving by the time he’s lifting his legs. His mouth run dry when he looks up and his heart stutters painfully in his chest. A sound of surprise catches in his throat at the sight laid out before him. Dean has folded his legs to his chest and he’s holding them there with his hands behind his knees. Castiel has _never_ seen him like this before. It looks _amazing_ and the next thought that occurs to him is that he should photograph it for posterity’s sake.

But _that_ might be too much for Dean. Castiel decides that it would be best to check with him first, regardless of the positions that they’re in. He glances at the camera before looking back, just to confirm. Sure enough, Dean shakes his head. It’s just a subtle movement, but the message is well received. To prove that he understands, Castiel leans forward to press a kiss to Dean’s ankle. That’s really the best place to reach, after all.

Now that they’re ready, Castiel wastes no time in shifting closer. He uses one hand to hold Dean’s hips and the other to line himself up. The first slide in is heaven and Castiel fights to keep his eyes open as he slips in as slow as he can. If he misses even a little bit of Dean’s expression right now, he’ll hate himself. And he isn’t disappointed. Dean arches his back with a long, drawn out groan. Since he enjoys this moment the most, Castiel takes his time with it. He stops repeatedly to give Dean the time to adjust. It’s been awhile since he bottomed and it would be no good if he aches later on.

Unfortunately, Dean is making it _very_ difficult to do that. He’s straining to move against the grip Castiel has on his hips. And that’s not mentioning how truly _tempting_ he looks. If he wasn’t forcing himself to stay calm and collected, Castiel would snap and give Dean everything he’s asking for. Because Dean _has_ started begging for more. Each ‘ _please_ ’ and every ‘ _master_ ’ makes this more and more difficult.

There’s sweat beading on Castiel’s forehead and he squeezes his eyes shut against it, every breath labored with the effort to keep it slow. At the very least, he gives Dean the freedom to move his own hips, for whatever good it does him. He transfers him hold to Dean’s ankles to keep him from unfolding and putting his legs around Castiel’s hips. If he did that, there would be no stopping Dean from pulling him closer until they were flush together.

Once he’s fully seated, Castiel needs to take a few seconds to actually _breathe_. It takes him a few deep, solid breaths before he’s sure that his restraint is as strong as ever. When Dean moans his name – though it sounds more like a _whine_ – he lets go of his legs. As expected, they drop and fold around his hips, though it happens on a relieved sigh. Poor Dean. He must be sore after holding his legs up like that for so long. Castiel should do something to ease that.

He starts with Dean’s sides, tracing the dips of his hips and soft skin under his ribs with his fingertips. They follow the ridges of his ribs to the solid muscles of his abdomen and chest, up and up until they’re glancing across his shoulder. His hands come to the collar and he runs his thumbs along its edges, eventually coming to the leash. When he sits back again, Castiel twists it around his hand. The loop at the end drags across Dean’s stomach and tickles over against his mostly neglected erection.

That gets just the reaction Castiel was hoping for. Dean tilts his head back with a sharp breath and digs his teeth into his bottom lip. He tries to rock his hips, but Castiel stops that with a firm grip again. While he enjoyed Dean’s manners moments ago, there’s a specific set of words he wants to hear. That, and he really would like to get his camera again for one last photo shoot.

“Son of a _bitch_.” Dean groans and grabs at Castiel’s wrists, trying to force his hands away from his hips. “Would y’just _move_ already you sadistic bast–”

“Ask nicely, Dean.” Castiel cuts him off quickly. He tugs at the leash sharply, but keeps his voice soft and low. Name calling like that will not be permitted tonight. Now, on to his next request, though he doesn’t word it as such. “I want to take a picture.”

Dean stills and drops his hands. “Of you in me?”

He nods. “Something of the sort.” Since this is no longer the embarrassing position Dean was in before, Castiel figures it might be more acceptable. If not, then he’ll happily move on.

“For Fuck’s sake.” Dean takes deep breath, as if he’s steadying himself, and he nods. “ _Make it quick_.”

Castiel was already reaching for the camera before he was finished speaking. The settings are all ready and he leans back as he takes the picture. While he does want to get the way Dean is stretched around him in the picture, his focus is entirely on Dean’s face and the sultry way he’s looking at the camera. There’s an endearing flush spreading under his skin and it makes Castiel want him all the more. And _that_ is why he can only wait to take one picture before he puts the camera aside again. This time on the safety of the side table.

Dean relaxes again the moment the camera is out of Castiel’s hands, but he tenses again when it’s replaced with the leash. Castiel smiles and gives the leash a little tug. “Now, ask nicely.”

“Please. _Master_.” He wrinkles his nose and speaks through his teeth. “Please. Fuck. Me.”

Yes, that will do nicely. Without further ado, Castiel folds forward to kiss Dean soundly. There’s nothing altogether special about these, aside from the fact that he very much just wants to keep kissing him. Until the end of time, if that were possible. The longer he waits before moving, the more worked up Dean gets. By the time Castiel actually starts to roll his hips in gentle circles, Dean is panting hard into their kisses.

A delighted hum rumbles against his lips as he moves slowly, every soft thrust full of every ounce of tenderness he feels for Dean. Clearly they’re _both_ happy that he’s finally moving. Although, he would have expected Dean to be clinging to him desperately by now. To Castiel’s disappointment, Dean’s hands are fisted in the sheets and they show no hint of moving any time soon. He wants those hands on him; those arms wrapped around him. Those are some of his favourite things about topping.

Fine, then. If Dean isn’t going to hold on to him, then Castiel might as well get down to business. It feels like forever ago that a certain someone was begging him to go faster, so faster he shall go. He gets back up on his knees and lifts Dean’s hips. With no preamble, Castiel picks up the pace _and_ the intensity. Dean grabs his wrists in a bruising grip as he arches into every hard thrust. At first his mouth is open in a silent shout, but that doesn’t last for long. It’s only a matter of moments before he starts begging with nonsense sounds – most of which don’t actually form any recognizable word.

It’s perfect, and that’s why Castiel decides to reward him. Even though he much prefers to have them facing each other, if only because half his joy in sex is sexing Dean’s expressions during, he knows that isn’t the same for both of them. Dean prefers it on his belly, or his hands and knees. He has to admit that it _is_ an excellent position if all they’re after is physical pleasure. And he does enjoy when Dean is up on his knees and rocks back against him. Oh, yes. They _definitely_ need to do that right now.

Castiel is a little bit rough with how he flips Dean over onto his stomach, but that rough handling is exactly what he’s being b. Dean rolls over eagerly and he gets up onto his hands and knees at the first pressure from the collar as Castiel uses the leash to get his point across. If he thought Dean was being loud before, he was _very_ wrong. A whole new decibel is reached in this position, and Castiel rather likes it. Dean is only ever loud when he’s _really_ feeling it, and that means he’s doing a good job.

It’s hard to discern exactly what Dean asks for when half the word is a choked gasp, but he does what he can. He keeps a tight grip on Dean’s hair and keeps his head back. Every sharp snap of his hips has Dean jolting forward and pushing back for more. This is a side to Dean that Castiel is almost certain he’s never seen of him before. Is it all because of the collar and the precedent set by it? Or is there something else working behind the scenes that he doesn’t know about? Either way, he’s not complaining.

He lets go of Dean’s hair to slip a hand underneath him and finally stop his long hiatus of touching him. The momentum of  A long moan of gratitude shows that Dean is _very_ happy with that decision. Castiel is so entirely focused on making Dean feel good that he hardly pays any attention to his own storm building in his lower belly. That can be dealt with when Dean is done. He _needs_ to make this an amazing experience for him, if only so that Dean won’t be opposed to using the collars again. Or, to be more exact, to _him_ wearing the collar again, because Castiel _really_ wants that to happen.

Which makes him regret his next choice of actions all the more.

Neither one of them expects Dean’s phone to start ringing. Normally they wouldn’t stop for something like that, but another idea unfolds in his mind and Castiel doesn’t think twice about whether or not this is a good idea. He just wants to see Dean squirm and flush that beautiful red again. It never occurs to him that this is crossing a line as he slows to a stop. Obviously it is, and Castiel honestly should have known better, but proper thought is a little past him at this point.

Dean whines in disappointment and reaches back when he pulls away. As much as Castiel hates being apart from him, this absolutely terrible idea is just too appealing. He _still_ thinks it’s a good idea even as he leans over the edge of the bed to find Dean’s pants. It doesn’t occur to him to stop even as he digs the phone out of the pocket and reaches forward to put it in Dean’s hand.

“Answer it, Dean.”

“Are you _joking_?” He turns to glare at Castiel over his shoulder. “I’m not going to answer the fucking phone in the middle of–”

Castiel shrugs and repositions himself behind Dean, taking the leash back in hand for another tug. “If you want me to keep fucking you, then you’re going to answer it.” _He’s_ the one in control here and he won’t have Dean disobeying him like this. “Hurry. We’re done for the day if you miss the call.” It’s an empty threat, but he wants to see just how much power he has over Dean right now.

For a few short seconds, Dean mutters angrily under his breath. He rocks all his weight to one side while he thumbs the screen to unlock it. Castiel helps him down onto his side so things will be a little easier and not as awkward. But once he starts touching, he can’t stop and he runs his hands over every inch of skin he can reach.

As he puts the phone to his ear, Dean throws another glare at him. “Hello?”

That terrible idea gets all the worse as Castiel lifts Dean’s leg and lines up to push inside him again. He has no idea _why_ he thinks continuing to have sex while someone is on the phone is a good idea, but it just _is_ right now. Dean immediately covers his mouth and his glare grows in intensity.

Whoever is on the other end of the line must ask a question, because he squeezes his eyes shut and moves his hand enough to speak. “A little.”

It would be fun to wonder who it might be, but Castiel is more interested in seeing what other fun kind of reactions he can get out of Dean. Perhaps he’s gone drunk on endorphins, but it hasn’t yet occurred to him that it is a very _bad_ idea to start rolling his hips. Of course it’s not anywhere close to the rhythm they had moments ago, but it’s something and he’s rather enjoying this.

“What’s up, _Sam_?”

Dean’s glare is pointed and full of warning, but Castiel disregards it completely. Well now. Things just took a _very_ interesting turn. Sam doesn’t know about them yet, does he? This could be the moment when he finds out – and part of him wants that to happen. Even the fear of this coming to an end feels so far away right now and Castiel tilts a smile as he shifts their positions. He ends up straddling Dean’s right leg while the other is hooked over his shoulders.

“Fine, Sam.” With a loud breath through his nose, Dean rocks his head back into the pillow as Castiel starts moving again. “Little busy.”

If he isn’t careful, Dean is going to give things away just from how he’s keeping to short sentences. But that changes the next time he speaks. “Y-yeah, Sam. My manners are just _that bad_. What is – What d’you want?”

Now Dean is stuttering and Castiel wants to hear it more. It’s just so nice to know that he can mess Dean up to the point that he can’t even speak properly. He changes his rhythm just slightly, rolling his hips that little bit harder; _faster_. The reaction to it is priceless as Dean’s teeth catch his bottom lip and he throws his head back, his spine curving in a delicious arch.

“Let – shit, hold on. I’m going to – I’ll ask him. Hold please.” Dean wastes no time with fumbling and dropping his phone before her turns to start glaring at Castiel again. “You’re the fucking _devil_.”

A laugh bubbles in the back of Castiel’s throat. He’s never been called that before and it’s such a juxtaposition compared to his real namesake. “Actually, I’m named after the angel of Thursday, Cassiel.” There’s a tremor in his own voice, reminding him that he’s just as affected by their current situation as Dean is. “What did Sam call about?”

“ _Kansas_.”

Their safe word is like a bucket of ice water straight down Castiel’s spine. It freezes through his veins and he stops moving the instant it registers in his mind. Then, and only then, is he struck with the true ramifications of his actions hit him. What in the world was he _thinking_? He should have known better than to – and he – _Oh God_. How much did Castiel just ruin by this spur of the moment _stupidity_? He has never felt more horrified with himself than he does right now.

Dean stops him from pulling away by tensing the leg he has over his shoulder and reaching out to grab one of his hands. “Don’t.”

“But you –” He used the safe word. They’re supposed to stop everything, aren’t they?

“We’re going to finish, Cas.” With a deep breath, Dean clearly forces himself to calm down. “Just – not cool. Okay? It’s great that you’re being all – _this_.” He guides Castiel’s hand back to his erection before he lets go of it and gestures at him. “I’m glad you’re having a great time, really. But this –” Now he gestures at his phone, where Castiel can clearly see that Sam’s call is still active, though muted. “That’s too far.”

Of course it is. In no world would that have been alright and Castiel hates himself for ever thinking it was a good idea. “I’m sorry.” He rests his cheek against Dean’s knee and fixes him with his most apologetic look possible. “It wasn’t my intention to make you uncomfortable.” Sort of.

“S’fine.” Dean flaps his hand as if he’s clearly the air and shakes his head. “What were you even doing? Some kind of exhibitionism?”

Honestly? Castiel doesn’t have the first damn clue. He shrugs and presses a kiss to Dean’s leg. “I wasn’t thinking clearly.” An understatement of truly epic proportions. “It was an idea that seemed appealing at the time purely because you are very attractive when you squirm.” Another understatement, but not something that should have influenced such a terrible decision.

“You son of a bitch.” Dean laughs and shakes his head. The mere fact that he’s _laughing_ is enough to bring Castiel’s smile back. “Find other ways to make me squirm, okay? Answering the phone during sex is off limits.”

“I understand.” He nods and turns his attention back to Dean’s erection, rubbing it gently in apology for all the neglect it’s experienced tonight. Speaking of the phone… “What is Sam calling about?”

With a groan, Dean glances at his phone. He stares at it for a moment before turning back to Castiel with hooded eyes and a sultry look that never fails to make him forge how to breathe. “Just finish this, Cas.” He licks his lips and rolls his hips slightly. “ _Master, please_.”

It looks like the break of the safe word is over, and Castiel couldn’t be happier for it.  He maneuvers Dean onto his back again and folds over to kiss that smug smirk away. The pace they had before was working so well for the both of them and Castiel picks it up again, his hand move to keep the same pace as he strokes Dean through to his orgasm. By the time it hits, Dean’s arms around his shoulders and Castiel’s lips are grazing the collar again.

With some difficult, he forces himself to come to a stop as Dean squeezes around him. It’s almost too much for him, considering how close he is himself. But he’s not ready for this to end yet. He needs a way to hold himself off, if just for a little longer. And for that he’s going to need Sam’s unwitting assistance. He searches out Dean’s phone without looking and returns it to Dean’s hand.

“Sam’s waiting.” He pushes himself up onto one hand but doesn’t move beyond that. “Were you going to ask me something?”

Dean groans loudly and covers his face with his hands, pressing his phone into his cheek. “Jess wants to come and wish you a happy birthday.”

There’s an odd mix of disappointment and elation mixed in his chest at that. He would love to see Jess today, but he and Dean are rather _involved_ right now. “Find out how long they’re going to be.” He shrugs and leans down to run his tongue over a stray bit of the mess Dean made when he came. It causes another idea to pop into his head and he’s sure this is one that will be well received. “We still need to shower and I want to finish on your lips.”

He gets a petulant glare for that, but Dean nods as he unmutes his phone and puts it back to his ear. “Cas was on the phone with someone. I forgot to unmute you, sorry. How long are you two gonna be? Cas wants to start a movie.”

That’s not a bad idea, actually. If they get to that sooner rather than later, Castiel could even get some cuddling in before Sam and Jess come over. His pleasant fantasies regarding that are wonderfully interrupted as Dean rolls his hips while he stretches. Judging by the vindictive grin spreading on his lips, he knows _exactly_ what he’s doing. Does it not count as crossing the line with Sam on the phone when he’s the one doing the teasing?

After a few moments, Dean shrugs and shakes his head. “You’re shit out of luck with the movie then.” After Sam has said his peace, Dean hangs up and stretches to put it down on the bedside table, right next to Castiel’s camera.

That puts another idea in his head and he reaches for the camera again. Dean watches him and Castiel watches him, keeping a close eye out for any hint that he doesn’t want it to be used again. When he sees nothing of the sort, he sits back to take another few pictures. Castiel just loves it when Dean looks this loose and relaxed. The lazy smile he directs at the camera is every inch of that. Dean stretches his arms above his head and arches an eyebrow. It’s a beckoning look and Castiel knows exactly what it’s supposed to mean.

Now it’s his turn and he puts the camera away for that again. He has a limited window for how long it’ll be before Dean gets too sensitive and uncomfortable for Castiel to continue – in his crude terms – _fucking_ him. Crude though that may be, he does get a bit of a thrill out of using them. With the camera no longer in play, he wastes no time in getting back to work. He’s so close to his own limit that it’s only a matter of moments before he knows he’s ready.

With one quick tug at the leash, Dean slides down the bed until Castiel is kneeling over him. This isn’t the first time they’ve been in this position, but a wave of embarrassment tries to blanket everything else he’s feeling. It’s still not enough for him to keep him from taking himself in hand and finishing with a few quick strokes. As soon as he’s done, he rolls over to the side and slides down to lay next to Dean. Castiel will never really understand why he likes doing this, but he doesn’t hesitate to lick away the mess he made across Dean’s face.

It doesn’t take very long, but Dean holds still and keeps his eyes closed until Castiel is done. He tilts his face into a kiss and makes a soft noise into the kiss. Clearly he’s not turned off by the taste of the kiss, and that’s all the more satisfying. Castiel hums happily and takes his time to work his way down Dean’s body again, making sure to run his tongue through every bit of mess he finds spotted across his chest. Before he removes the ribbon still loosely tied around the base of Dean’s quickly softening erection, Castiel sits up and gets a wet wipe from the drawer of the bedside table.

Dean stretches out with a happy groan as he’s wiped down from collar to knees. Everything is going well, until Castiel a sudden tension seems to take over the air around them. There’s a stillness to Dean that wasn’t there before and the smile has slipped from his lips. Oh no. Is he already starting to regret what they’ve done? He expected this would happen, but not this quickly. It’s a good thing that Castiel has a contingency plan for this.

“Thank you, Dean.” He leans over to press a kiss to the collar again as he starts to undo the ribbon. “Thank you for my birthday gift. It was wonderful.”

It takes a second before Dean wraps his arms around in him in a tight hug. He nuzzles the top of Castiel’s head, breathing deep like he’s trying his hardest to keep his calm. “I hope you liked it.”

“I enjoyed myself very much.” Castiel lifts his head to press kisses all along Dean’s jaw, using his physical touch to help ease him. “You fought me, but you did so well by the end. I _loved_ it.” Not nearly as much as he loves Dean, but definitely a lot.

Slowly, Castiel pushes himself up so he can look Dean over too. Did they help any? He’s more than ready to continue with the praise and affection for as long as it takes. But first, he needs to do some form of reconnaissance. Which he probably should have done before they did this. “Did you enjoy it too? Was this the first time that you’ve done something like this?”

Since Dean has been so worldly with everything else they’ve done, Castiel rather assumed that he would have partaken in something like this at one point or another. But how he’s reacting right now – seeing how he’s unable to look him in the eye – Well, Castiel is starting to think that was just fanciful hopes. He’d hoped for that if only because it would help things move along swimmingly.

“Yeah. It was –” Dean hesitates and his eyebrows come together slightly. “It was new.”

New does not mean good. Obviously it _was_ good, because Dean wouldn’t have been so into it if he didn’t enjoy it, right? If he was uncomfortable with the whole situation, he would have use the safe word much sooner and things never would have gotten this far. Or, at least, Castiel hopes he would. It’s possible that Dean’s pride would keep him from stopping things, or he could have been putting up for it all because today is Castiel’s birthday. There are number of reasons that Dean could have gone along with this without wanting to and now he can’t shake the feeling that might have been what happened.

He leans forward to brush his lips against Dean’s cheek. “You did so well. I’m proud of you, Dean. You tried it and you were amazing.” Castiel cups his face with one hand and continues to flutter kisses across his face. “We don’t have to do it like that again if you didn’t enjoy it.”

Dean snorts and tilts his face into the kisses. “It’s pretty fucking obvious that I enjoyed myself, Cas.” He lifts his head to catch Castiel’s mouth in a proper kiss before lying back down. “I’ve just never been – fuck it. Don’t worry about it. Let’s go clean up. We’ve got time to soak in the tub together before Sam and Jess get here.”

Regardless of what he say, Castiel can’t stop himself from feeling worried. He’ll be worried until the tension in Dean’s limbs is gone and he’s smiling again. Which is exactly what Castiel does to hide his concern. “That tub isn’t big enough for two grown met to sit comfortable.”

“We’ll make it work.” A hand slides over Castiel’s side to rest momentarily on his hip before moving back up to cup the back of his neck. He brushes their noses together slightly, voice low and alluring. “C’mon. Don’t you want a nice hot bath?”

Castiel hums as he sits up again. “That does sound tempting.” He helps Dean sit up too and carefully undoes the collar for him. “I’d like to see how you think we’ll both be able to fit.”

Dean shrugs and rubs at the back of his neck. “We’ll make it work.” He glances off towards the door as Castiel folds the collar and the leash together carefully and places them on the nightstand next to his camera and Dean’s phone.

When he turns back, Castiel is surprised to find Dean looking at him. There’s an odd look of _awe_ resting in Dean’s eyes and he isn’t too sure _why_. Either way, they have a bath to attempt and Castiel is more than happy to take Dean’s hand and pull him from the bed. He doesn’t let go as he guides them both to the bathroom and puts the plug in the tub drain. Dean runs his hands over his back in wide sweeps as he starts filling the tub with water that is borderline scalding. With two of them going in, they won’t be able to fill it very much, but they’ll make do.

“So, who’s sitting where?” Dean steps up next to it and inspects the dimensions of the tub.

In his opinion, they’ve got too many legs for this to work well and be all that comfortable. But that wasn’t the question asked. “I want to sit behind you.” He steps over to stand behind Dean and presses a kiss to his shoulders. “I’ll give you a shoulder rub if you be the little spoon.”

“You had me at shoulder rub.” With a laugh, he leans back into Castiel with the easy looseness that he’s been hoping for. It looks like Dean is relaxing more and more, and that’s the end goal of the night.

They turn off the water when the tub is just under half full. Castiel is the first to enter, and he does his best to leave enough space between his legs for Dean to sit too. The tub isn’t very wide, but Dean manages to fit. His legs, unfortunately, do not fit in the tub. One ends up dangling over the edge of the tub and the other is folded against the wall. His hips are essentially the only part of him under water, but they’ve managed to fit more or less.

Dean sits forward and hugs his knee to his chest to give Castiel the room to rub his shoulders. It’s still an awkward thing to do when they’re sitting so close together, but it’s good enough. Dean is more than happy with his shoulder massage and leans back against him with a happy sigh after it’s done. This isn’t exactly what Castiel had in mind for post coital cuddling, but he’s more than satisfied by it. Besides, they’re still going to get some more time for that when they move to the couch later. Hopefully they’ll have the time for that before Sam and Jess arrive.

Until then, he’ll let this tide him over. He’ll cover the back of Dean’s neck and shoulders with soft kisses and hold him until the water gets cold. When they take their shower, he’ll hold him then too and take care of Dean like he should have before. Castiel will make up for everything tonight, and he’ll _never_ make a mistake like that night again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> \- blow jobs  
> \- collaring  
> \- BDSM undertones/master+sub play  
> \- rimming  
> \- anal fingering  
> \- anal sex  
> \- bottom/combative sub!Dean  
> \- top/dom!Cas


	37. Chapter 37

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That brings about a whole new worry and causes Castiel’s stomach to drop to the vicinity of his knees. “Is _she_ mad at me?” Before he switched from pre-med, she would always invite him along too. Is it because he’s been paying too much attention to Dean lately? Does she feel like he’s been ignoring her and Sam? He’s fairly sure he hasn’t, or at least not on purpose. Castiel almost makes a concerted effort to try and spend as much time with what few friends he has whenever he can.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings at the bottom of the chapter**
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter takes place during [Chapter 19](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/5406122) of the _A Little Patience_ story line.

Castiel hums softly to himself while he runs a towel over Dean’s shoulders. He’s enjoying this more than he probably should, given that all he’s doing is drying them off after their shower. But he just can’t help it. Putting a towel over Dean’s head and ruffling his hair to dry it is a kind of intimacy that he’s fairly certain he could never get at any other time. On the bright side, Dean doesn’t seem to mind. There’s a soft smile on his lips as he stands there, eyes closed and letting Castiel do what he pleases.

Once Dean is fully dry, he wraps the towel around his waist. Castiel leans in to kiss him softly while he tucks the end of the towel into place, keeping it secured around Dean’s hips. A quiet hum matches his own and Dean leans into him, hands searching for Castiel’s hips. He’s still a little damp in places, since he was more focused on pampering Dean with the gentle patting of a towel. At this point, he’s even considering following Dean straight to the bedroom and helping him get dressed. While that does sound nice, he’s already decided on what he’s going to do.

“Go get dressed.” He breaks the kiss and turns Dean to face the door. Castiel even feels bold enough to give Dean a quick pat on the behind to get him moving. “I suggest your comfiest sweatpants and sweater. Meet me on the couch when you’re done.”

Dean jumps slightly at the gesture and he turns to give Castiel a raised eyebrow. His bottom lip sticks out in a pout, though it only last for a few second. It falls apart quickly into a smile. “It’s so _cute_ when you start getting bossy.”

He rolls his eyes and sighs. “I said _go_ , Dean.”

Of course Castiel follows Dean out of the bathroom, but he doesn’t start actually _rushing_ until he’s out of sight in his bedroom. He throws on the first pair of pajamas and boxers that he finds in his drawer. They don’t match, but it’s good enough for him. Castiel almost trips over his own feet as he practically runs into the kitchen to start his preparations. Dean is likely taking his time getting dressed because he’s all loose and lazy right now. He sees no need to rush, but Castiel absolutely does.

His fingers slip on the buttons of the microwave as he enters the time needed to pop a bag of popcorn. While that’s going, Castiel fumbles with a DVD case to put the disc for Iron Man in the DVD player. He wants to have everything set up and ready before Dean is finished getting dressed. Thankfully, he manages to make it just under the wire. Dean trudges out of his bedroom just as he’s dumping the popcorn into a bowl. It took him longer to get ready than expected and Castiel can read why in his body almost immediately.

There’s a droop to Dean’s shoulders that wasn’t there before. The smile he gives when he sees Castiel with the popcorn is genuine, but it doesn’t reach his eyes – not like it did when they were in the bathroom only a few minutes ago. This is it, isn’t it? This is what Castiel read about. Dean is balancing on the brink of a sub drop and that will _not_ be acceptable. He won’t let it happen. He’s read too much to allow it and Castiel is going to put all his extensive studying to the test.

“Come sit with me, Dean.” He drops onto the couch and pats the seat next to him.

Dean raises an eyebrow as he approaches. “Are you trying to butter me up, Cas?”

Obviously, but Dean doesn’t exactly need the reason _why_. Castiel knows him better than that. There would be all kinds of resistance if he told Dean that he was going to try and help prevent a sub drop or work him through it if he does enter one. If he says anything, Dean will object and he’ll object _loudly_. No matter how many days of aftercare might be required, he absolutely cannot be told.

While Dean likes being pampered, he doesn’t like knowing that he’s being coddled. To him, it’s as if he’ll be perceived as weak. Mentioning aftercare would likely put Dean on the defensive and he’ll insist that he doesn’t need it. The best way to give Dean what he needs right now and likely over the next few days is to do it without letting him know that this is necessary. That’s fine, though. Castiel is more than happy to keep this a secret – unless Dean figures it out himself, of course.

Castiel pats the couch again and holds the bowl of popcorn out to him. “It’s my birthday and this is what I want to do. Please sit and watch some movies with me.”

With a flair of dramatics, Dean flops into place and kicks his feet up on the coffee table. He grins as Castiel puts the popcorn in his lap and slides up as close to his side as he can get. It’s time for _cuddles_ , and nothing is going to stop him unless Dean outright tells him so. Judging by the arm around his shoulder, this is more than acceptable. Pleased, Castiel presses play on the remote and tosses it aside. He’s not exactly planning on stopping the movie any time soon, let alone actually watching it.

As the opening credits start playing, Castiel’s attention is very much still on Dean. He starts by gently running a hand through his hair, keeping at it until he gets a response. In this case, it’s Dean leaning into the touch. His eyes never leave the TV, and he continues to eat the popcorn in a steam rhythm of hand to bowl to mouth to bowl. That pace is kept until Castiel leans in and presses a soft kiss just below Dean’s ear. It’s the first of many that he scatters across Dean’s neck, shoulder, and cheek – placing them wherever he sees fit.

There’s a method to his madness here. Dean’s body is far too rigid right now. He’s leaning into the touches, but he’s not _relaxing_ into them like Castiel wants. The kisses do the trick, however. After the first few, Dean melts against his side with a soft sigh. He’s still focused on the movie, and there’s still a smile on his lips, but this time it’s in his eyes too. Castiel counts this as a victory at staving off the sub drop and he mentally high fives himself for it.

Unfortunately, he can only keep this up for so long. They both knew there was a time limit, but it still comes too soon for Castiel’s liking. He’s never been so disappointed to know his friends have arrived than he is right now. Dean shares a brief look of horror with him before they’re forced to put the width of the couch between them. Castiel has barely settled into a more natural position on the other side before the door swings open.

Jess and Sam enter the apartment with more fanfare than previously expected. Even though he expected them to walk in, Castiel still jumps and turns sharply as they come in singing _Happy Birthday_ at a decibel loud enough to make the neighbours complain. Another thing he isn’t expecting is for a cake to be practically shoved under his nose as Jess leans over the back of the couch. _Happy Birthday Cas!_ is poorly written across the top of the vanilla icing, some of it overlapping the chocolate icing trim that appears to have been piped around the edges – or at least someone attempted to.

Although the cake isn’t the most beautiful one in the world, Castiel loves it intensely the moment he realizes that Jess and Sam _made_ this for him. Gabriel makes cakes for him all the time and has been since he took up baking. But this – _this_ is special. This is a cake made by the first friends he’s ever had and Castiel wants to keep it forever. He’s going to need his camera before anyone _dares_ to cut into this piece of his personal history. It’s endearingly terrible and he’ll remember it for the rest of his life.

Even though the door to their apartment is still wide open, Dean joins in the singing. Their neighbours can _definitely_ hear them now and Castiel can feel a blush filling his cheeks. His whole face is already starting to hurt from how much he’s smiling. Even his chest is feeling the same; his heart fit to burst. He adjust how he’s sitting on the couch, moving to sit on his knees so Jess doesn’t have to lean so far over the couch to hold it in front of him.

When the song ends, he points at the door. “I’m not blowing the candles out until that’s closed.”

Sam rolls his eyes, but shuts and locks it. “There. Satisfied?”

“Yes, thank you.”

“Good!” Jess sways the cake back and forth, returning the attention to it. “Now do the candles! There’s only eleven because that’s how many I could find in my parents’ kitchen. Sorry.”

It’s more than the two number shaped candles that Gabriel always puts on his cakes and Castiel waves it off. He takes the cake from Jess, just so she won’t be able to pull it away from him at the last second to make a fool of him. Gabriel has done it one too many times and _that_ is why he now requires that he always have it on a stationary surface or in his own hands before he makes any attempt to make a birthday wish.

There are so many things that he could wish for right now, but his birthday wish is still the same. That isn’t going to change until he knows for certain that there is  no possibility of anything beyond a sexual relationship with Dean. He closes his eyes to make the wish and then quickly blows out the candles – all but one. Jess immediately starts clapping and she turns to high-five Sam. His frown turns from the lit candle to them, because what’s going on?

Sam points at the little flame. “The number of candles still lit when you’re done blowing them out means that’s how many relationships you’re going to have between now and your next birthday.”

“That’s ridiculous.” Castiel squints down at the candle. “There’s no logical correlation between this candle and my personal life.”

Dean lightly punches him in the thigh. “It’s a dumb tradition, but go with it. Just blow out the damn thing so we can have some cake.”

It still makes absolutely no sense to him, but Castiel rolls his eyes and makes another attempt to blow the candle out. Despite focusing on it, the candle doesn’t go out. He tries again, and again, and once before Sam bursts out laughing. Jess follows suite and the both of them double over on each other, their laughter just as loud as their singing was.

This time, Dean pats him lightly where he punched him. “Give it up, Cas. That’s a trick candle. It relights itself every time you blow it out.”

Those _exist_? It’s a miracle that Gabriel hasn’t used it on him yet. Castiel holds the cake out with a dejected sigh – all faked of course. “I feel so betrayed. How could you do this to me?”

Jess laughs and passes the cake off to Sam. She leans over to grab Castiel by the face, pulling him in to kiss him on the cheek. “We couldn’t resist! Sorry, dear. We’ll go put it out right now and bring everyone a slice.”

Castiel gives her a suspicious squint before he pulls her into a hug, one that almost pulls her over the back of the couch, and kisses her on the cheek too. “Thank you. I’m sure it’s going to be delicious.”

“Wait until you taste it first.” She ruffles his hair and turns to follow Sam into the kitchen.

When Castiel sits back comfortably again, there’s a smile on Dean’s lips. It’s small and forced, and he wishes with all his might that it’s just a trick of the light. Unfortunately it’s not and all Castiel can do is reach over and squeeze his leg. He raises his eyebrows, trying to ask a question without the words. Dean’s smile softens slightly as he shakes his head and shrug. Even though Jess and Sam are here, he still puts his hand over Castiel’s. At first he pats it lightly, but then he gives it a squeeze.

Dean is trying to act like everything is okay, and not just because the others are here now. Castiel has spent _ages_ learning the nuances of the enigma that is _Dean Winchester_ and he knows that everything is definitely _not_ okay. It’s too bad that they don’t really get any time to talk, though. Jess and Sam return shortly and they have to draw apart again. Especially when they end up sitting between them – but that’s not before Jess gives Castiel a look.

The look consists of raised eyebrows and a quick flick of her eyes at Dean. Castiel has no idea what she’s asking, but she looks disappointed by his lack of a reaction to it. She even sighs as she takes the spot next to him. After they lavish her with compliments regarding the taste of the cake, everyone go quiet to watch the remainder of the Iron Man movie. Even after it, there isn’t much conversation. There’s merely more birthday wishes, hugs, and goodnights afterwards.

Castiel stretches out under his covers and waits, listening to the sounds of the others moving around in their rooms. Eventually the shuffling sounds stop and the apartment falls quiet. He drums his fingers on his chest and watches the light from the streetlamp wobble with the shift of the curtains. Now it’s a waiting game. Luckily, Castiel is very good at passing time without actually doing anything. In this case, he makes a list of all the things that he’s going to need to do in the morning and tomorrow while he’s at work. They’re all things necessary to make sure that Dean remains comfortable throughout the day.

In a perfect world, they would both have tomorrow off. If that were the case, Castiel would happily devote the whole day to pampering Dean. Since that’s not possible, he’ll have to make do with carrying everything out long distance. Thank God for his unlimited texting plan. While he doesn’t plan to put that to the test, he _does_ plan to send far more than he usually does.

Once he’s sure that an acceptable amount of time has passed, that Sam and Jess are both likely asleep by now, he gets up. As quietly as he can, Castiel makes his bed, tucking in the edges out of habit. When he set the alarm on his phone, he made sure to set it well ahead of when he really plans to wake up. He’s going to need those alarms to ensure that he’s back in his bed before Sam or Jess wakes up in the morning. It’ll be hard to convince them that he’s gone for the day when his shoes and coat are still here.

As quietly as he possibly can, Castiel walks on his tiptoes to Dean’s bedroom door. It’s closed, but the knob turns without a sound. The door makes noise as it sweeps across the carpet, but it’s otherwise quiet. He’s confident that he’ll make it to the bed before he’s discovered, but he’s barely taken a step inside before the curtain over the window is pulled out of the way, flooding the room with street light. Castiel’s heart jumps to his throat and he goes still when he finds Dean sitting half upright in bed.

He wasn’t exactly trying to be sneaky so Dean wouldn’t hear him. It was only so he wouldn’t disturb Jess and Sam. Even though he expected Dean to be awake given the state of his mood before going to bed, it’s still a little surprising that he opened the curtains without warning. Neither one of them moves until a horn honks shortly outside. They both flinch and it pushes Castiel into moving.

He takes a few steps into the bedroom and closes the door slightly, just enough to muffle his loud whisper. “Did I wake you?”

“Wasn’t sleeping.” Dean sits up fully, scratching his chest. He muffles a yawn behind his other hand before shaking himself out. “What’er you up to?”

“I figured as much.” Though he was hoping against it. Castiel shifts his weight to one side, hesitating from turning back to the door. It’s now or never if he’s going to ask his question and he gestures towards Dean and the bed. “Would you mind if I joined you?”

There’s zero hesitation in how Dean nods and starts moving over to make room on the bed. Castiel hides his smile of delight by turning to shut the door completely. Just in case Sam might want to poke his head in at some point, he also locks the door. That’s not good where fire safety is concerned, but it’s the only way to keep their sexual relationship hidden – despite that he has no plans for anything sexual happening between now and the morning.

Dean flips back the blanket as Castiel puts his phone on the side table. “Why’d you bring that?”

Though he feels like the answer is obvious, he explains his plan concisely. He gets into the bed quickly so none of Dean’s body heat is lost from the sheets. Castiel is barely settled down in the pillows before that warm body is curling against his side. The fact that Dean initiated the cuddling himself sends his insides flipping over themselves. He _wants_ this. He’s seeking comfort and Castiel is more than happy to give it.

Castiel draws Dean closer with an arm around his shoulders. “You should sleep, Dean. You deserve it after the busy day we had.” He presses a kiss to his forehead as they settle against one another. “You worked hard and made me very happy.”

The words are hardly out of his mouth before Dean goes loose and relaxed against him. Castiel can literally _feel_ the tension leach out of his body. He rests his cheek against the top of Dean’s head, running a hand through his hair and listening to how his breathing evens out. That happens remarkably fast for someone who admitted to not being able to sleep not more than a few moments ago. The heavy weight of Dean sleeping softly against his side is beyond any sense of the word _perfect_. Dean finds comfort in him and Castiel is almost too happy to sleep himself.

It’s _this_ that he wishes he could have every night. He’ll take what he can get and he lets Dean’s steady breathing lull him to sleep. It’s probably one of the best sleeps he’s had in a very long time, but that’s not the only reason he despises having to wake up when his alarms go off. Dean groans and tightens his hold on him as Castiel tries to untangle himself enough to turn off the jangling tone of his alarm clock. He silences it, but it takes a smattering of kisses all across Dean’s face to convince him to let go. At this point, Castiel isn’t even sure if Dean is actually awake.

“I’ll see you again in a few hours.” He runs his hands through Dean’s hair and kisses him soundly before drawing away. “Go back to sleep until your alarm goes off.”

Dean mumbles incoherently and curls in on himself. Castiel tucks him back in and backs away from the bed. He stands for a moment, watching as Dean goes back to sleep – if he was ever awake in the first place. As he slowly steps away from the bed, he makes sure to keep an eye on him, just in case he walks up. There’s not a peep or a centimeter of movement by the time he’s reached the door or slipped back out into the rest of the apartment.

Compared to Dean’s bed, his own is small, lonely, and cold. Castiel prepares himself to fall asleep again, comforting himself with the knowledge that in a few hours he’s going to see Dean again. And if he’s still feeling off center, then Castiel fully plans to use their drive to work together to calm him down all over again. If he has to do it the whole day too, then he’ll do it. Because Dean’s comfort is what matters now and Castiel will do anything to help him.

*

“Are you avoiding me?”

The question is a heavy one and Castiel has been debating asking it all week. The night of his birthday only made it clear to him just how little time he’s spent with Sam and Jess together without Dean in the last while. But he can’t keep it to himself anymore and he asks it straight and to the point while standing in the doorway to Sam’s bedroom. He does his best to look casual, but the lines of his body are hard and won’t relax, even with his hands tucked into his pockets.

Sam pauses suddenly in the middle of packing an overnight bag for Jess’s apartment, his hands frozen in the middle of folding his pajama pants. His mouth works without sound for a few moments before he makes a choked noise and shakes his head. “What in the – No, _no_. Of course not!” He drops everything and starts to come around the bed. “Why would you think that?”

Castiel shrugs and leans against the door frame, finding it hard to make any eye contact. “You’ve been out of the apartment a lot.” They used to hang out together far more and he’s having trouble determining the last time they spent time together beyond their normal living situation. If anything, Sam seems to be purposefully spending more time outside of the apartment.

“We both have classes, Cas. You know that.” Sam shrugs and he runs both hands through his hair. “And I’m working too while going to school. That’s new for me so it’s a little more than I’m used to. Same goes for you, right?”

“I know, but we haven’t spent any time together lately. Not even for studying.” And it’s causing him quite a bit of worry. Even if he’s largely focused on Dean, he still wants to maintain his friendships with Sam and Jess. They were his first friends and he will always hold them close in his heart. “I just want to know if it’s because of something that I’ve done.”

Sam shakes his head several times before crossing the room to pull Castiel into a tight hug. “No, man, _no_. You haven’t done anything. Time’s just gotten away from us, you know? And if I gotta place any blame on anyone, then I’ve gotta say that Jess is the one who keeps inviting me over all the time to do our homework together.”

That brings about a whole new worry and causes Castiel’s stomach to drop to the vicinity of his knees. “Is _she_ mad at me?” Before he switched from pre-med, she would always invite him along too. Is it because he’s been paying too much attention to Dean lately? Does she feel like he’s been ignoring her and Sam? He’s fairly sure he hasn’t, or at least not on purpose. Castiel almost makes a concerted effort to try and spend as much time with what few friends he has whenever he can.

“Of course she isn’t, Cas.” Sam Gives him another tight squeeze before stepping back.

“Then why am I not invited to the study sessions anymore?” A pout pulls at his bottom lip and Castiel emphasizes it just to get more of a reaction from Sam.

It seems to work. He shakes his head and spreads his hands with a shrug. “I – I honestly don’t know. I can ask her, if you want me to?”

“No, I’ll do it.” As much as he hates confrontation, Castiel wants to get down to the bottom of this before he ends up losing any of the few friends that he has.

While he sends the same question to Jess that he previously posed, Sam returns to his packing. “I’m telling you, Cas, she doesn’t hate you and she’s not mad at you. I’d know if she was. This is probably just one of those times when friendships slip through the cracks. It always happens while people settle into the new routines at the start of the school ye –”

He stops talking the moment Castiel’s phone starts to jingle with his custom ringtone specifically for Jess. Her name and a picture of her making a ridiculous face shows up on the screen. Castiel shares a partly terrified and partly worried look with Sam before he swipes to answer it and puts the phone to his ear. In a moment, he wishes he hadn’t.

“I am _not_ avoiding you!” Jess all but shouts through the phone line – loud enough for Sam to hear, that’s for sure. “Why would you even think that?!”

Castiel switches the phone to his other ear, the other one now ringing too much for him to want to use it in the immediate future. “Please don’t yell into the phone. I don’t have you on speaker and it hurts.”

“I can’t believe you would think that I’m _avoiding_ you!” She’s much quieter now, but no less frantic sounding. “If you want to come study tonight, you absolutely can.”

Then why wasn’t he invited in the first place? He doesn’t want to insert himself into their plans, especially seeing as how Sam is apparently planning on staying the night. “You’ve been having Sam over more often than usual. Is it because of school? Or your relationship? I just – I can’t help but wonder why I’m not being invited along like I used to.”

“I’m so sorry I made you feel like I didn’t want you here.” The sincerity in her voice sooths at the ugly ball of worry sitting in his belly. “But there’s a _very_ good reason for that and it’s not just because I like Sam’s pretty face.”

He raises an eyebrow and turns away from Sam’s curious eyes, taking a step into the hall again. “Do you care to expand upon that?”

Jess sighs loudly and her tone goes almost exasperated. “Why in the world do you think I would be giving you more _time alone with Dean_?”

Castiel can feel the heat flare brightly in his face and he quickly steps away from Sam’s bedroom. He hisses between his teeth. “ _Jess_.”

“I know. I know.” She laughs softly and he can perfectly imagine the expression on her face. “It’s a secret and I promise I haven’t told a single soul. Plus I’m home alone right now, so no one can hear what I’m saying. But you know damn well that I’m going to do everything in my power to make _this_ happen.”

His hand trembles slightly as he covers his face. Maybe he shouldn’t have told her. Because she now seems to think that she’s his personal cupid. “You _promised_ that you wouldn’t interfere.”

“I’m not interfering.” Jess actually sounds offended and Castiel’s shoulders tingles with the phantom feeling of the punch he would have likely received. “I’m just… _helping_ things take their natural course. The more time you spend with Dean, the quicker he’ll fall for you. But if you want to come over and study with us, I’d be more than happy to have you. Sam too. You know that.”

Clearly he didn’t really know that. He’s had people be nice to him before and pretend to treat him as a friend, but it was only ever to get something from him. It was always either to copy his homework or borrow his notes. They were only ever after his _brain_ and never his companionship. He was sure that Sam and Jess were different – considering how long they’ve been hanging out now. It’s nice to know that his worries were completely unfounded.

“If Sam doesn’t mind, then I’d like to come over and study with the both of you tonight.”

“And what about Dean?” Amusement dances along her tone and Castiel frowns at it.

“What about him?” There’s nothing between them besides sex and friendship. That’s all and Jess can’t seem to wrap it around her mind. “He’s working the late shift. And just because there are certain circumstances between us doesn’t mean that I want to stop spending time with the rest of you.”

Jess sighs happily. “Aw, Cas. I love you too.”

He rolls his eyes. “I’ll see you soon, Jess.”

And he hangs up before she can start teasing him further. If he’s going to be spending the evening studying with his friends, he needs to get all his things prepared to take with him. A few minutes ago he didn’t have any plans for the rest of today, but now he gets to spend some fun time with his friends and he’s looking forward to it more than he can say.

*

“Well now, that’s a fancy looking camera you’ve got there!”

Castiel finishes taking his shot of a bird building its nest before he lowers his camera and looks around. A number of his classmates are paired up around him in groups of various sizes. Some, like him, are on their own and everyone has a camera in hand. Everyone has cameras of various styles and sizes, and everyone is taking pictures of whatever they can see; students, wildlife, architecture, plants, and garbage. Everyone is doing something – except for the classmate standing next to him.

“Thank you.” He tightens his grip on his camera and holds it back up to take a picture of someone on the other side of the quad taking a sip from a water fountain. “I got it for my birthday.”

“You lucky bastard.” His classmate claps him on the shoulder, messing up the next picture. “I’m making a mental note to pull that stunt for _my_ birthday.”

With an unhappy sigh, Castiel goes back to delete the blurry pictures. “Well, I do find it to be an effective _stunt_ , so to speak.” Though it’s not like he actually _asked_ for it. He’s honestly not sure who decided this would be a good gift for him, but he’s still very happy with it.

From the corner of his eye, he takes note that the classmate talking to him raises his own camera to take a picture of him. In retaliation, Castiel turns to take a picture of him too. “I don’t recognize your accent. Where is it from?”

His classmate throws his head back with a laugh. “I was born in France but I grew up all over the place. During those travels, I’ve learned to speak quite a few languages.”

Castiel tilts his head, glancing his classmate over. “So your accent is a mix, then? I would have thought you were British.”

“I do love throwing people off with it.” The classmate laughs again and holds out his hand. “Balthazar. A pleasure to meet you.”

“You as well.” He shakes his hand. “Castiel. Are you enjoying the class?”

Balthazar nods and swings around to look through the viewfinder of his camera and snap a few shots of a gaggle of co-eds walking past. “Absolutely! Isn’t it grand that we get to spend a whole period just walking around the campus taking pictures of whatever catches our fancy?”

While he does have predilection to photograph nature and architecture, Castiel does appreciate the variety of people around to add to his portfolio. “I must admit that I’ve been enjoying myself more this semester than I ever did while I was in the pre-med program.”

“Shut your mouth!” Balthazar turns on him again, his own mouth hanging open. “You were going the medical route? That’s a hell of a one eighty you’ve done there.”

Castiel waves his hand to brush aside the topic and crouches to look up and catch a sunbeam through some leaves. “It’s a long story.”

“Well this is a long class and it’s not like I’ve got anything better to do.”

That stings just a little, almost like an insult. Castiel loves taking pictures and there are only a handful of other things he would consider better than it. He’s finally doing something that he enjoys and he’s _beyond_ happy to be here right now instead of where he could be and the unhappiness that would have accompanied it.

“We have work to do.” With a sigh, Castiel starts walking down the path again, putting some distance between him and the rest of his other classmates. He wants to try and get a shot of the full group just because he thinks it would be an interesting picture.

Balthazar follows after him, drifting along and snapping pictures of just about everything. “Miraculously enough, that doesn’t involve the use of our mouths.”

He has a point there and Castiel snorts a laugh; shaking his head. “How come _you’re_ in this class?”

“Naked ladies, my friend. It’s all about the naked ladies.” Again, he claps Castiel on the shoulder. Luckily this time he wasn’t taking a picture.

“I don’t follow.” What do naked women have to do with anything?

With a loud sigh, Balthazar holds his camera out without any care and snaps a few pictures of whatever it might be pointing at. His eyes, however, are on Castiel and they’re full of mirth. “I want to be the photographer who works at Playboy for a living.”

Why does Playboy sound familiar? He feels like he’s heard about it before, but he can’t for the life of him think of what it is. Either way, if it’s full of naked women then he’s not particularly interested in it to start with. Castiel has always been partial to National Geographic anyways. They’re always so interesting and he has a large collection of them in his room back at the family home. Only if his father hasn’t thrown them out by now and purged his room of everything, that is.

Balthazar raises an eyebrow at Castiel and place a hand on his hip. “You’re not one of those _prudes_ against Playboy, are you?”

“I’ll let you know my feelings on it as soon as I remember what Playboy is.” He crouches again to take a shot of some dew beading on the arm of a bench, circling it slightly to find the best angle of light.

“Oh you have _got_ to be pulling my leg.”

Castiel glances up briefly and shrugs. “No, I’m not.”

As soon as he stands again, Balthazar slings an arm around his shoulders. “Dear boy, you and I have some _work_ to do! Come back to my apartment after classes and I’ll educate you on the finer aspects of the Playboy Mansion and its many beautiful Bunnies!”

That sounds entirely unappealing and Castiel ducks out from under his arm. “No, thank you. I think I’ll have to pass on that for the time being.” And forever. If he really wants to know what this Playboy business is about, he’ll either remember it or he’ll look it up himself when he gets home.

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Balthazar steps back, giving him some space. But the space comes with a curious look that travels from Castiel’s feet to his head and back down again. “Oh, I get it! Naked ladies don’t do it for you, huh? Well, there’s a Playgirl full of naked men, if that works better.”

What in the _world_ is going on here? How did Castiel’s peaceful class end up like this? “No, no. That’s alright. I have no interest in looking at naked people, thank you. I’ll pass on all Playpeople things.”

Balthazar breaks into a wide smile and he pats Castiel on the shoulder. “Ah, I get it. No one does it for you, right? Oh, unless you’re one of those guys who are too into one particular someone to care about anyone else? Because that’s okay too.”

“You’re asking some very personal questions for the first time that we’ve ever spoken.” Castiel shakes his head, but there’s a smile on his lips despite himself. While he would have preferred a nice, quiet time on his own while he carried out the assignment, he’s finding this rather enjoyable. When was the last time he had any form of conversation with a stranger?

“I’m told it’s part of my charm.” Balthazar puffs up, looking rather proud of himself.

Castiel tilts his head and gets the overwhelming urge to pop that bubble. “I hate to break it to you, but you were lied to.”

With a gasp, Balthazar puts a hand over his chest in mock hurt. It seems like the right thing to do to lift his camera and take a picture of that expression. Right away, Balthazar starts to laugh. He raises his own camera and takes one of his own. Castiel grins at him from behind the lens and the turn together to keep going through the quad to continue with their assignment. It becomes easier to chat after that, talking about their futures and the classes they’re taking.

By the end of class, Castiel has the feeling that he might just be ending this day with a new friend.

*

The days are getting harder. Castiel wants nothing more than to crawl into bed and stay there forever, but he keeps trudging along because that’s what he has to do. He’s never been more exhausted in his life and he has no one to blame for it but himself. This was _his_ decision and he knew the consequences of it. There’s no regret, but dear God he had no idea it would take less than a month for him to get _this_ tired from his schedule.

Castiel has been working every shift that he can get his hands on during both the week and on the weekends, picking up what the doesn’t already have. Whenever he’s not working, he’s studying and finishing his assignments as quickly and with as high a quality as is possible for him. In between all that, he’s also trying to find the time to spend with his friends and with Dean. His friendship with Balthazar is growing too, though that’s limited to class time since they have a few of them together.

All of that combined leaves his days long and his energy levels low. While he would _love_ to spend more time together with Dean that isn’t while he’s studying and Dean is watching TV or does his own thing, Castiel does appreciate how respectful he’s being. Dean has been giving him space to study and done his best not to interrupt. Because of that, he’s been able to set aside at least an hour every night to spend with Dean. Even if it’s just sitting together on the couch and watching TV, he wants that time _without_ his laptop or text books between them.

On the plus side, if Sam isn’t home, it means that Castiel and Dean are able to cuddle on the couch. They do that quite often, in fact. Hugging Dean recharges him. It makes the long days and many hours melt away. Those moments are what Castiel looks forward to the most during the day. It’s what he works so hard to have, even if they never lead to anything. He doesn’t mind when it leans to kissing, or anything involving heavy petting or oral sex. Those are things that Dean seems to need and Castiel is always more than happy to oblige.

In fact, Dean is the entire reason why Castiel is standing in front of Benny’s shop again. He wants to find something to thank him for everything he’s done for him lately, and a bit as a reward for still staying home. Of course Castiel has noticed that Dean hasn’t gone out to find sex elsewhere despite how Castiel’s work and school situation hasn’t left much time or energy for him to take care of those desires. Which is a little surprising, considering how certain he is that things between them likely need to remain spicy to keep Dean’s attention on him.

Luckily, these are all things that Castiel enjoys too. The only problem though is that sometimes he’s left at a loss to do until he stumbles across the next big thing to catch his attention. Hopefully he’ll find just such a thing in Benny’s shop. He’s just here to browse, but fully planning to buy whatever catches his eye – as long as it’s something that falls on his list of things he’s comfortable doing.

When he walks through the door, he mentally curses. Benny is behind the desk, yet again. What is this horrible twist of fate that continues having him be the one working every single time Castiel comes in here? Benny gives him a cursory wave, but gives him no further attention beyond that while he busies himself with organizing a shelf on the wall behind the counter. He nods in return and keeps his head high as he starts down the aisles to do a loop around the store. There are a few other people, but they pay him about as much attention as he does them.

Castiel bypasses the shelves with the collars and leashes. There’s no point in them any more now that he and Dean have their own. He is, however, rather looking forward to the chance when they’ll have enough time to themselves for him to wear his own collar. They haven’t had enough time yet and there’s been an itch under his skin ever since his birthday. A shiver dances along his bones every time he so much as stops to _think_ about what it’ll be like to submit to Dean’s control.

Since that night, there have been several moments where promises have been made. Dean has teased many times over that he fully plans to get Castiel back for everything he did when he was the dominant on his birthday. Honestly, he can’t wait. In fact, Castiel is looking forward to it. He can’t stop thinking about what Dean might do. Will he delay things? Will he tease and work him up then back off, only to work him up all over again? Edging sounds so exciting and it’s high on the list of things Castiel is looking forward to trying one day.

With his thoughts dancing along those lines, Castiel pauses to pluck a cock-ring off the wall. He and Dean are both average in size and roughly the same, so he hopes this one will work for the both of them. If not, he’ll buy another of a different size. He keeps that in the crook of his arm as he continues walking around the store. Castiel hums to himself, his fantasies jump back and forth between everything they see, playing out in his head with all the things Dean might do to him with them.

All those fantasies come to a sharp stop when Castiel stumbles across exactly what he needs to buy. It’s beyond need now that he knows it exists. He _has_ to have this one thing. This is supposed to be a gift for Dean, but it’s definitely going to be more of a treat for _him_ than anyone else. Castiel can’t ignore it or how his pulse quadruples and it gets a little hard to breathe.

One of his favourite things about sex is how full he feels when Dean’s inside him – even if it’s just fingers or the vibrator they have. He hates the empty feeling left behind whenever they’re done having sex, or whenever he finishes his shower and stops fingering himself. But he had absolutely no idea that a toy like this existed and he wants it more than he even wanted the collars.

Castiel knew _double penetration_ existed because he’s read about it online and seen it in porno, but he never considered it a possibility for him. Originally it was placed on his reject list because there’s no one else that he wants to have sex with. It would also mean sharing Dean with someone else and he couldn’t possibly bring himself to do it. But now there’s a toy to help him with that – to make him feel more _full_ than he’s ever felt before.

There’s an honest to goodness bounce in his step as he heads to the counter with his new purchases, already mentally planning out how he can convince Dean to use it.

*

Castiel blinks away how his eyes go unfocused. It happens every few minutes the longer he spends going through a series of pictures he took the other day for an assignment. He needs to pick a few of them for a submission on lighting and that’s always been a problem for him. Castiel goes for pleasing shapes and scenes, not lighting and he’s really got to work on that.

When his cell phone pings twice with messages, he welcomes the break. If he stared as he computer screen any longer, he might have lost all form of meaning to the images. The messages on his phone are from Jess. One is a picture of a painting she’s been working on since the beginning of the semester. Her second message is only one word; **_Acceptable?_**

The painting is a chaos of colours that somehow manage to blend together without being appalling to the eye. There are flowers almost hidden within the colours and it’s definitely one of Castiel’s favourite paintings that Jess has done. He’s been watching it come together for the last month and that’s been quite a treat. **_It’s more the acceptable._**

She responds with a picture of her own smile. **_Do you think the teachers will like it??_**

 ** _Classes have barely started. Your professors are going to love that you’re done an assignment that isn’t due for another month!_** Castiel types quickly, trying not to think about his own unfinished assignment for now. **_I’ll be very surprised if you don’t pass with flying colours._**

 ** _Damn right! Thanks!_** She ends her message with a heart.

Sam messages him not more than a few minutes later, before Castiel has managed to bring himself back to working on his own assignment. **_Have you seen the painting?_**

 ** _Yes, it’s gorgeous. She’s done some good work to be proud of._** He squints at his phone. **_Why?_**

This seems to be the day for picture messages, because Sam sends one now. **_Look familiar?_**

It does, actually. It’s a bouquet of flowers that looks almost exactly like the one in Jess’s painting. Castiel would say that it’s the exact one she used, but he can tell that it’s not. For one, Jess’s picture was one supplied by the teacher to work from and this one is obviously not considering Sam is the one holding the flowers in the picture he just sent.

 ** _How surprised do you think she’s going to be?_** Sam asks in another message, this one followed up with a smiley face that shows all its teeth.

That’s surprisingly sweet and Castiel finds himself grinning like the emoji. **_Very! That’s so sweet of you._**

 ** _I’m gonna surprise her with them at the studio. Don’t tell her!_** A heartbeat later, he sends another message with a half dozen winking emojis in them. **_And don’t expect me home tonight._**

Oh, excellent! Castiel has been waiting for a chance like this. **_I’ll inform Dean. Have fun._**

It looks like his assignment is going to have to fall to the wayside for right now. He leaves things on the table as they are and stands up. Dean isn’t going to be home from work for a few hours yet and that gives Castiel plenty of time to prepare. Though, to be honest, he isn’t planning on doing much. He prepared himself during an earlier shower, more for personal fun than expectations, so he doesn’t need to worry about that. But there are things in the bedroom that he wants and Castiel digs around in Dean’s closet for a moment to find the box of their supplies.

They’ve kept their collars and leash in the bag they came in, tucked away in the same box. Carefully, he takes out the collar with the green highlights – _his_ collar – and places himself in front of the mirror hanging behind Dean’s bedroom door. He fumbles slightly with buckling up the collar himself, but Castiel rather likes how his heart starts racing in his chest at the feeling of it against his skin. Turning slightly, he admires the reflection of the stark black of the collar standing out against his neck. It looks so good and he hopes Dean will think so too.

The only other thing Castiel takes from the box is a small bottle of lube. He tucks that away in the pocket of his sweat pants. Everything else gets packed up and returned to the closet. This is all he needs at the moment and if Dean wants anything else later, they can come get it. Castiel feels a little wobbly on his feet as he returns to the kitchen table. He breathes hard through his nose while he gets back to working on his assignment. Even if he doesn’t get anything done between now and when Dean gets home, he can at least _try_. Though that’s going to be rather difficult giving the situation coming to rise in his pants.

He’s still at least half hard by the time Dean does get home. Likely helped by his quick visit to the bathroom not more than a few minutes before he hears the keys in the lock. He went to make sure that he was still prepared and to lube up, knowing full well that Dean would be home soon. Castiel knows exactly how long it takes Dean to get home from work, and he is _ready_ for this.

His assignment is still incomplete, but he’s progressed a little further than when he took that short break. The moment Castiel hears keys the door open, his pulse more than doubles in anticipation. He keeps his head down and focused on his notes, trying to stay focused with writing out a detailed description of each of the pictures he needs to submit.

“Alright, sound off! Who’s home right now?” Dean calls out as he starts kicking off his shoes and hanging up his coat.

“Just me.” Castiel pats himself on the back for managing to keep his voice steady. “Sam won’t be home tonight. He’s going to be spending the night with Jess.” He stops writing, but he doesn’t put his pencil down or lift his head. “Would you like something to eat?”

Dean hesitates before answering. “Did – did _you_ cook something?”

Considering that he’s succeeded with dishes more often than failing them lately, Castiel is almost insulted by that. “No. I was waiting for you.”

The sound of Dean’s footsteps changes as he goes from carpet to vinyl tiles. He remains steadfastly focused on his notes, refusing to look up if only because he doesn’t want to see what Dean’s reaction will be when he notices the collar. Every step is like thunder in his ears, but it might just be Castiel’s own heartbeat. Those steps carry Dean towards the fridge and he holds his breath, waiting to see what’s going to happen next.

“Alrighty, then!” Dean claps his hands loudly, making Castiel jump in his chair. “Let’s see what we’ve got to work with. Any requests, Ca–”

He stops mid sentence and Castiel knows exactly what that means. With every effort possible, he tries to act like he doesn’t notice. That gets harder when Dean makes a strangled noise of surprise, and when his footsteps approach. His breathing goes low and shallow as those footsteps stop right behind his chair, and his grip tightens on his pencil. This is happening now. This is actually _happening_ and that all clicks into place the moment he feels a finger start to slides up along the back of his neck, brushing over the clasp of his collar.

“Cas, look at me.” There’s an edge to Dean’s voice. It’s a _command_ , and it sends a series of shivers right down his spine.

His pulse is thrumming a mile a minute against the collar and Castiel bites his lip. He twists around in his chair and looks up at Dean. The hand on the back of his neck slides up to settle with a tight grip in his hair. Dean uses that hold to pull Castiel’s head back sharply, leaning down to crush their mouths together in a rough kiss. It’s the kind of kiss he can’t resist moaning into, especially when Dean grabs the front of his shirt and bodily lifts him out of the chair.

The papers, pencil, and highlighters on the table go clattering to the floor as Castiel ends up being seated on its edge. Dean’s hands are rough as they hook under his legs, guiding them to loop around his waist. Castiel doesn’t hesitate or even think twice about lifting his arms to wrap around Dean’s shoulders, his fingers seeking out his hair. It’s what he would do naturally on any other occasion like this, and he’s honestly surprised when he finds his hands being pulled away.

With a tight grip on his wrists, Dean drags his hands down. “You hold onto the edge of that table and nothing else until I say so. Got it?”

A soft whine of disapproval pitches in the back of Castiel’s throat. He _loves_ touching Dean. Is this part of his punishment for everything he did when Dean was the one wearing the collar? If it is, then this is just too cruel. But he complies and curls his fingers over the edge of the table. His grip goes white knuckled almost immediately as Dean starts touching him, running his hands through his hair first. Those dexterous hands slide over Castiel’s shoulders and down his sides, fingers teasing under the edge of Castiel’s button up – one that he didn’t bother putting a t-shirt on underneath after his shower.

The touches are soft, almost ticklish. Castiel squirms at the sensation, humming low in his throat as he rocks his hips forward. That earns him a sharp slap on the thigh. Not one that hurts, but one that catches him by surprise. “Don’t. Move.”

“Is there anything I _am_ allowed to do?” The question is out of his mouth before he realizes it.

Dean presses his thumbs over Castiel’s lips and leans in, his voice low and dangerous. “Back talk isn’t one of them.”

His smile holds a smug edge when Castiel nods in understanding, eyes wide with surprise. Can he count this as Dean being aggressive? Whatever it is, he likes it. He likes that Dean forces his head back again, this time to mouth roughly at his neck and at the collar. Castiel likes the rough certainty of Dean’s hands as they run the length of his body, even palming at the front of his pants.

“I can see why you liked this.” Dean murmurs, his tongue sliding along the edge of the collar.

All Castiel can do is hum and grip the table as Dean works back and forth across his neck. He loves the feeling of being worshiped like this and he enjoys every moment of it, basking in it. Castiel sighs happily, even though he has to focus to not lean into every touch. He was ordered not to move, after all.

The collar jerks sharply as Dean hooks a finger in the d-link and pulls. “You’re going to do _exactly_ as I say. Got it? You put one toe outta line and you’re not going to like what I’ll do.”

Oh, he highly doubts that. Castiel is practically vibrating in place as excitement thrums through his veins. He’s _very_ interested in what Dean might do to him. Should he step out of line? Should he push any of Dean’s buttons just to find out what he’ll do? Oh, but that’s oh so tempting.

“Nod if you understand me.”

God yes, he understands. He understands completely and he very nearly dislocates his neck with the intensity of his nodding. Castiel is one hundred percent ready for this and he wants _more_. He wants everything that he’s been waiting for over the last hour or so.

“Good.” Dean puts a hand on Castiel’s shoulder and shoves him down to lay flat on the table, just barely missing his laptop as he does it. “Very good.” He pushes Castiel’s laptop off into the corner by the wall, leaving it there to hum away with his unfinished assignment.

Dean trails his hands down over the front of Castiel’s shirt until they’re resting over his chest. The moment their eyes lock, a grin spreads across his lips. Castiel wants to question it, but he holds his tongue, waiting to see what’s going to happen. To his surprise, Dean curls his fingers to get a good grip on his shirt. With one quick jerk, he rips Castiel’s shirt open and sends the buttons flying. Dean’s smile is challenging, just _daring_ him to complain.

Though he would like to, Castiel knows better. He presses his lips together and averts his eyes, keeping them downcast. His hands ache from how hard he’s holding the table edge, pins and needles prickling in his fingertips as Dean leans over him and that wicked mouth slides along his chest and stomach. Castiel bites his bottom lip to muffle a gasp as teeth catch at one of his nipples. It’s so _hard_ not to move when every sensation that spikes through him is fire under his skin, making him want to squirm and press up into every touch.

It feels like forever by the time Dean withdraws. At that point, Castiel’s chest feels ridiculously sensitive. His shirt brushes his nipples as he’s pulled from the table to rest on his knees, and it’s like an electric jolt across his skin. He sucks in a sharp breath, and again when Dean uses his hair to jerk his head back. With some effort, he keeps his eyes downcast. A thumb on his lips parts them and Castiel suspects that he knows what’s going to happen next. 

“We’re going to use _Kansas_ again. Just in case, alright?”

Oh _yes_. Castiel nods slowly and has to resist the urge to lick at the thumb on his lips. The rest of his body is moving on automatic. He can’t see himself and he doesn’t exactly feel any different than usual, but he wonders nonetheless what kind of submissive body language he’s expressing now. Maybe next time, if there is one, they can record what they’re doing. Castiel still has the video of Dean from his birthday, hidden away in a file buried deep on his hard drive and as encrypted and password protected as he could make it. He would rather like to add another one to it.

“I’m going to fuck your mouth now, Cas.” Dean pushes his thumb past his lips and presses down on his tongue. “Do _not_ use your teeth.”

As if he ever would. Castiel has given enough blow jobs this year to know better. He nods in acknowledgement, knowing Dean will want that. Though a heady rush of _what if_ fills his head at the thought of what could happen if he _didn’t_ do it.

“Good.” He pats Castiel on his cheek before he leans down to kiss his forehead. “And you know what I want you to say when I give you an order, don’t you?”

Say? What is he supposed to say? For a brief moment Castiel’s mind is clouded in confusion, but the fog clears in an instant. His next inhale is breathy weak, his chest too tight to take a full one. “Yes, _master_.”

Dean hums to himself and smooths the hair back from Castiel’s forehead before kissing it again. “Yes, that’s good. But y’know what? Call me _sir_. I like that one better.”

Heat loops through Castiel’s belly like an out of control missile. It’s fuzzy and hot and he’s swelling with pride, pleased that he made Dean happy. Now he can make him even happier. “Yes, _sir_.”

In all honesty, he would rather prefer calling him _master_ , but that’s his personal preference. If Dean likes _sir_ better, than that’s what he’ll do. It doesn’t exactly have the same feeling of ownership that makes Castiel tingle in all the right ways, but it’s better than nothing.

“Very good.” Dean strokes his face again with one hand, the other going to undo his belt. “Now hold still. I’m going to be right back.”

When Castiel left the room on his birthday, he came back with ribbon. He’s so tense while holding himself still that he practically starts trembling in place. But it doesn’t sound like Dean is going through the hall closet. The tap in the bathroom turns on and Castiel can only take a wild guess at why that might be. He’s pleased to find that he’s right when Dean comes back with his pants open and his underwear pushed out of the way. His skin is still damp and it smells clean, like the scentless soap they keep in the bathroom.

Dean is already well and fully aroused when he starts to rub the head of his erection against Castiel’s lip. It’s all he can do not to open at the touch and react like he normally would. His breath comes in short, quick bursts until Dean urges his chin down. He lets his jaw go slack and flattens his tongue, knowing that he’s not supposed to do anything more than this. Castiel curls his hands into fists and presses them into his thighs to keep himself from reaching up to pull Dean’s hips forward, pulling him in deeper. He can take more than this and Dean knows that.

Regardless, the promised mouth fucking is kept shallow. There’s very little direction involved in it as Dean does what he pleases. He seems to take a great deal of joy from angling his hips so the head of his erection rubs against the inside of Castiel’s cheek. Dean keeps a hand there just to be able to feel it. His hands keep twitching every so often, either towards his own crotch or to reach out for Dean.

On one such occasion, his hand gets closer to rubbing himself than any point before. It earns him a sharp tug at his hair. “Don’t touch yourself, Cas.”

A whimper rumbles in the back of his throat, even as Dean pulls back to give him the space to speak. “Yes, sir.” Now _this_ has got to be his punishment. There’s nothing else that it could be. And despite it, he’ll power through no matter how torturous it might be because he wants to see this through to the end. He wants to see what Dean will do.

“That’s good, Cas. Very good.” Now that the rhythm has been broken, it seems that Dean has mentally already moved on. “Get up.”

Every bit of reassuring praise goes right to Castiel’s head, and his heart. It shouldn’t be possible to feel like you’re walking on air when you’re kneeling on the ground. As he’s getting to his feet, he steals a glance. He hasn’t looked at Dean straight on for what feels like forever now and he _needs_ to see that want in his eyes. At least half of Castiel’s arousal when they have sex is the hunger that feels Dean’s face – the absolute _desire_ showing there and directed right at him.

He barely gets his glance in, but it’s enough to get his fill of exactly what he wanted. The moment he’s standing, Dean spins him around to fold him over the edge of the table. It takes far too much effort to keep his knees from buckling when he feels the hard line of Dean’s erection start rubbing against his ass. There’s only one layer between him and it and Castiel doesn’t bothering biting back a moan of disappointment. Can’t they just do away with clothing like they normally would have done by now?

“You’re not allowed to complain.” Dean leans forward and reaches around to cover Castiel’s mouth with his hand, though it’s not very effective. Actually a few fingers actually end up _in_ his mouth and he can’t resist sucking at them when he has the breath for it.

Another whine escapes him as lips brush across the back of his neck, teeth raking his skin and pulling at the collar. Dean does it again and again before his voice is hot in Castiel’s ear. “Where’s the lube, Cas?”

His answering moan is muffled as he fumbles to get the bottle out of his pocket. He nearly drops it before Dean takes it from him. The moment all hands withdraw from his body, Castiel’s anticipation hits an all-time high. It’s not exactly a long wait, but he still trembles almost violently when Dean pulls his sweatpants halfway down his thighs. It’s a miracle that the lube he used earlier to prepare himself didn’t stain his pants.

“What’s this, Cas?” Dean hums and runs a hand over his hip and across his ass. “You’re not wearing any underwear? And –” He uses both hands to spread him, a thumb brushing over his hole. “Well, well, well. You’re already wet and ready for me, Cas?”

Another shiver violently shakes along his spine. “Y-yes, sir.”

“You’re so _prepared_ , Cas.” Dean leans down to press a kiss into the small of his back. “How long have you been waiting for me?”

Numbers feel so far out of reach right now that Castiel can’t even begin to recall how long it was. He can only shrug and shake his head as he presses back into those sure hands.  But that doesn’t seem to be a good enough answer. Dean pushes a hand into his hair and pulls tight. “Answer me, Cas. How long have you been waiting for me?”

God, it feels like forever. “All w-week, sir.” More like months. When was the last time they did it?

“ _Today_ , Cas.” His grip tightens more and Castiel whimpers softly. He never thought he’d like having his hair pulled, but when it’s Dean it’s good.

“A-all day, sir.” All day, every day. Not specifically like this, but there’s never a time when he doesn’t want to be with Dean in some way, shape, or form.

Dean jerks his head back slightly, not enough to hurt but enough to make Castiel gasp in surprise. “Don’t be a smart ass with me. Answer the question.”

His breathing is coming is rough panting now and he can barely get his tongue to work properly. “Not – not long before y-you got home.” He takes a deep breath and forces it out through his nose. “ _Sir_.”

“See? That wasn’t so hard, was it?” Dean lets go to pet his hair softly and Castiel pushes his head into it, seeking more of it. “Now hold still and be good.”

Castiel sucks in a sharp breath and holds it, trying hard not to move. It’s incredibly difficult when a slippery hot fingers traces down his spine until it reaches exactly where he wants it to be. Dean’s fingers slides in all too easily, drawing a low moan out of him. Within moments, Dean’s adding a second, and then a third. He’s testing how open Castiel and it’s practically perfect, filling him up almost like how he wants to be.

“Wow, you really _did_ prepare for me, huh?” Despite that, Dean doesn’t stop working them in and out, in and out. “You want me that bad, Cas? You want me to fuck you now?”

The struggle to stop from rocking back against Dean’s fingers is harder than he first expected it to be. He nods vigorously and curls his hands into fists on the table top. It’s like his heart is pounding directly against the wood of the table, fast and hard and it’s stealing what little breath he has left. Castiel can hardly speak what he knows Dean is waiting to hear. “Y- _yes_ , sir.”

Dean hums and his fingers slow. “If you want me to fuck you, then I want to hear you _ask_ for it.” His breath is scorching as it washes across the small of his bask. “You need to _beg_ me for it, Cas. Right now or we’re going to be done for today.”

Castiel shivers violently and sinks his teeth into his bottom lip. His first reaction to the demand is resistance, but he squashes it. That’s not his role in this. Not right now. Not this time. Right now, he’s to be obedient and do exactly as Dean asks when he asks for it. But he takes too long to answer and Dean pulls at his hair again. It’s a warning and Castiel hisses a quiet whine. The only way this could possibly be better is if Dean was already in him and they had the rope. God, why didn’t he think to pull out the damn rope while he was getting the collar?

Later. He can think about that letter. There’s always next time.

“Please, sir.” The words are little more than a breath, but Castiel hopes they’re enough.

“Please, sir – _what_?” Apparently they weren’t and Dean tugs at his hair again, pulling Castiel’s head back and forcing him to arch his spine to accommodate it.

A shivery moan shakes out of him and he gasps for breath after it. After three attempts, he manages to stutter out what – he hopes – Dean wants. “Plea – please, f- _fuck me_.”

Dean loosens his grip and lets Castiel sag back to the table top, but he doesn’t let go of his hair. “And _how_ do you want me to fuck you, Cas?”

Every way possible would be nice. “ _Hard_ , s-sir.”

They barely feel like words at all on his tongue, but Dean must be able to hear them. His hands are on his ass again, spreading him for what’s about to come. When the head of Dean’s erection catches at his hole, Castiel scrabbles for some sort of hand hold on the table. He doesn’t get the chance to find one, as Dean quite suddenly pulls him upright and away. Castiel teeters dangerously on his feet, leaning back into Dean for support as his pants drop around his ankles.

When his support quite suddenly disappears from behind him, Castiel suddenly feels far too lost for his own good. He doesn’t topple over as expected, but he does have some trouble staying upright. It only lasts a moment before Dean is tugging at his arm to turn and pull him down. Castiel is forced to step out of one of his pant legs to straddle Dean’s hips as they end up on the floor. This isn’t new, but Castiel can count on one hand the number of times they’ve been in this position. Considering the number of times they’ve had sex over the course of this year, that’s saying something.

“Ride me, Cas.” Dean rubs his hands up Castiel’s legs to press his thumbs into his hips. “Show me how much you want it.”

This isn’t going to be even remotely as hard paced as he wanted it to be, but if this is what Dean wants, then he doesn’t have much of a choice here. Castiel has to do as Dean says, and it’s not like he doesn’t want to. On the bright side, that means he can finally touch him. His hands shake slightly as he pours some lube into his palm and carefully spreads it over Dean’s erection. He takes much longer than necessary to do that, drawing it out just so he can touch.

“You think you’re being sneaky, don’t you, Cas? I know what you’re doing.”

Castiel bites his lip and does his best to play it off. He’s not doing anything that wasn’t expected of him, but he should probably get a move on before Dean decides to punish him in one way or another. God knows what that would consist of. But no matter how much Castiel wants to see what those punishments might entail, he also wants to be praised. He craves it, actually. The pat on the head; the gentle sweep of a hand on his skin; the whispered approval. He wants it and he damn well better get more of it soon – hopefully.

With that in mind, he rises up on his knees to position himself. Dean rubs circles on his hips with his thumbs. Those touches are so soft and gentle that Castiel can hardly feel them. And yet they’re still _so good_. Castiel can’t even bite his bottom lip as he slowly sinks down on Dean’s erection. He can only let his mouth hang open as he tilts his head back, relishing in that oh so amazing feeling of being _full_. The weight of Dean inside him is hot, solid, and absolutely perfect.

It’s only a matter of moments before Castiel starts moving. He was prepared for this long ago and an adjustment period really isn’t necessary. Even if he should probably still take one, he doesn’t. Castiel drops his chin to his chest and braces his hands on Dean’s stomach as he starts to rock his hips, moving nice and slow. While he would prefer hard and fast, he’s taken an affinity to beginning like this. It’s almost like foreplay and he likes how it prolongs things, increasing the intimacy.

Dean allows him a few minutes of rolling his hips before he reaches up to run a hand through Castiel’s hair, fingers catching in it. “I thought you wanted it hard, Cas. I _thought_ that I told you to _ride me_.”

He fists his hands against Dean’s stomach and muffles a soft sound. “S-sorry, sir.”

Can’t he just have it like this for a little bit longer? But of course Castiel knows the answer, especially when he steals a glance at Dean’s expression. It’s hard and hungry and there is _no_ possible way that he can’t listen to him. The muscles in his legs tremble violently as he starts moving with purpose, lifting his hips and dropping them harder and faster than before.

God, but he loves the feeling that jars him to the bone whenever their bodies connect. Castiel prefers it – loves it even more – when Dean is the one snapping his hips, his weight above him. It’s the best feeling in the world and he loves being on either end – giving and receiving. As long as he’s rocked by that sensation, Castiel would be happy in any position. But this one – leaning forward like this isn’t giving him that sharp bolt of delight along his spine.

He leans back to brace his hands on Dean’s thighs, arching his back and moving to search for that. It’s harder to find the exact right angle when he’s the only one working at it. Castiel is _much_ better at finding the prostate when he’s the one topping. Whenever he bottoms, he just can’t seem to be able to find it on his own like this. What he needs is for Dean to actually _work_ with him here. What he wouldn’t give for that white lightning.

“Hey, now.” Dean grabs at Castiel’s hips to bring him to a stop. “I didn’t give you permission to do that.”

Did he really notice the subtle shift of his hips while he was trying to find the right angle? Dean must be paying more attention than Castiel originally thought. But of course he is. He’s always _very_ attentive whenever they’re together.

All Castiel can do is squeezes his eyes shut and shake his head. “Sorry. I – _Please_ , De- _sir_.”

Dean hooks his finger through the dangling d-link of the collar and pulls him forward. Castiel collapses to his elbows, making sure that he doesn’t stop rocking his hips. If he stops, Dean might punish him and he doesn’t want to do that. He wants to be a _good boy_. That said, he’s rather surprised when he gets a rough kiss instead of a reprimand for acting on his own. For Castiel, a kiss is a prize. It’s a positive thing and he gives himself up to it, panting into the kiss.

Sweat is beading hot along his back, making his shirt stick uncomfortably. It’s sliding off one shoulder already and his pants are uncomfortably bunched under the leg they’re still on. Castiel almost loses his footing because of it a few times, but he perseveres. They rarely ever have sex with more than just their underwear still on – and he’s not counting any number of blow jobs or hand jobs. Dean looks like he’s getting hot under the collar too, his hair slicked into spikes by his sweat. He’s got more clothes on than Castiel does, but he doesn’t seem to mind it in the slightest.

But the clothing doesn’t matter. What matters is that this isn’t enough. Castiel wants _more_ , and he knows just how to get it. Begging isn’t an issue for him. It’s _verbalizing_ it that takes him the longest, but he manages it after a half dozen attempts. Dean seems to understand, but he doesn’t nothing more than hum into the kiss. He’s apparently rather focused with Castiel’s tongue, sucking and licking, flicking and rubbing, and being just absolutely _amazing_.

Castiel starts in surprise when hands slide up along his chest. The push under his shirt and around to his back, urging him to lean just that little bit forward. It’s getting difficult to keep his hips moving, but he keeps grinds as best he can, he as Dean fixes a mouth to one of his nipples and starts sucking. Teeth catch around it, tugging lightly and drawing a sharp sound of surprise out of him. Castiel shudders violently at the feeling and arches his chest to push into it, seeking for more.

Dean’s hands slip down his back, fitting them over his ass. They spread him more, but their main goal seems to be focused on holding his hips still. For one delirious moment, Castiel wonders what he’s going to do. His answer comes not more than an instant later as Dean braces his feet on the floor and takes control of the situation _exactly_ how he wants him to.

He starts thrusting in earnest, the first one very nearly unseating Castiel completely. With a loud moan, he drops his chin to his chest and rides every thrust. It’s hard, fast, and absolutely – _Oh_. A wet tongue slips across his chest to his other nipple. This time, Dean actually _bites_ , more so than just a light catch or gentle pinch. Of course it doesn’t really hurt, but Castiel can’t stop himself from crying out in surprise. It felt surprisingly good and he finds himself asking for it again without really intending to.

Instead of complying, Dean lets his head drop back to the floor. “Did you realize we broke a rule today, Cas?” He grins up at him, one eyebrow cocked teasingly.

Oh yes, Castiel knows exactly what rule they broke. And he did it all on purpose too. He _could_ have pulled a condom out of their supplies box when he got the lube and the collar, but he didn’t. If he had, Dean likely would have used it. Castiel can almost guarantee that if a condom is not easily at hand, then it’s likely that Dean will forget to use one. It’s a good thing too, considering that he likes it better this way. Whether Dean likes it is an entirely different matter, though he hasn’t complained yet.”

The pace of Dean’s hips starts to slow and Castiel realizes that he might stop if he doesn’t get an honest to goodness _verbal_ answer. “Y-yes, sir.”

Dean laughs and his pace starts to quicken again. “You wanted this, hm?”

“Y- _yes_!” His answer comes more enthusiastic than intended as Dean angles his hips just right and Castiel’s body nearly seizes in that moment.

“You want me to _come_ in you, Cas?”

He couldn’t have been more obvious unless he outright asked for it. Castiel nods repeatedly and rocks his hips back into Dean’s thrusts, searching for the bolt of pleasure again. “Yes, Dean, p _-please_ _sir_.”

“Oh, that’s not all I’m gonna do, Cas.” Dean growls against his jest, stubble scraping his skin.

Castiel can’t be expecting to form an actual question to find out what he means. All he can do is make a curious noise. It devolves into another moan as white hot sparks skate up his spine to set off fireworks behind his eyelids. God, he’s getting so close, so _very_ close and he can’t even think of the words he needs to say to ask for more. Dean doesn’t use any other words either. He simply fixes his mouth to the center of Castiel’s chest and _sucks_.

So _that’s_ what he meant. Honestly, Castiel can’t complain. He rather likes it – _loves_ it, even – when Dean marks him like this. Which is why, when he finally comes untouched across the front of Dean’s shirt, there’s a map work of bruises  scattered across his chest and actual teeth marks around his nipples. Those are there not because Dean bit hard, but because he did it _frequently_.

There’s barely any time for him to relax after his own rather powerful orgasm. Before he can collapse against Dean, boneless and sated, Castiel finds himself on his back. Dean folds him in half, pushing his knees to his chest while he keeps rocking into him at the same pace. His sweatpants are still stubbornly hanging from one ankle. He’s not sure how, but Castiel finds that having clothing hanging off him somehow makes this all seem far more _lewd_ than if they had taken it off completely.

“Look at me, Cas.” Dean demands, his voice rough like he’s drawing close himself.

With some effort, Castiel manages to open his eyes. They remain hooded and the world is nothing more than a blur around him, but Dean is in stark detail. As soon as they lock eyes, Dean surges forward to kiss him. His hips stutter seconds later and he moans low in his throat, thrusting only a few more times before he stops with their hips flush together. Castiel squeezes his eyes shut to savour the liquid-hot sensation that always seems to fill his belly.

Surprisingly, Dean doesn’t pull out. He stays inside him and guides Castiel’s legs to rest around his waist. They’re still kissing by the time Dean starts rocking his hips again, nice and slow. He hums softly as he works through the aftershocks of his own orgasm. Castiel still feels like he’s riding the high of his own, so he finds that he doesn’t mind in the slightest. In fact, if Dean could keep that up, he’d be rather glad to stay like this for the rest of forever.

Of course that can’t happen. Eventually, Dean does pull out but he still remains lying on top of him. He caresses Castiel’s cheek and strokes his thumb across it. “You’ve done good, Cas.”

Cas hums to himself and tilts his face into the touch. “Thank you, sir.”

“No, thank _you_.” Dean drops a kiss to the tip of his nose and starts pushing himself up to his knees. “Now take off that collar and let’s go take a nice hot shower together. We’ve gotta clean you out and we could both do with a good rub down.”

As much as Castiel wishes they didn’t have to, he understands. He sits up too and Dean gives him a hand getting to his feet. Dean steps behind him and his hands are oh so gentle as they sweep across his shoulders, leading up to the clasp at the back of his neck. He removes the collar slowly and replaces it with his lips. They move as gentle as he presses kisses along the slope of his neck, following it around until Dean can tilt Castiel’s face towards him for another kiss.

“That was nice, Cas.”

He leans back into Dean’s chest, his knees feeling a little weak. “Did you like it?”

“I think that’s pretty obvious, don’t you?” Dean laughs and takes his hand, stepping around him to start heading for the bathroom.

“I’m not talking about the _sex_ , Dean.” Castiel plants his feet and tugs at his hand to bring them to a stop. He reaches out to touch the collar still in Dean’s other hand. “Did you like _it_?”

“Oh.” Dean looks down at the collar for a moment. “Yeah. You looked good in it.”

Did Dean only like what they did just now because of the physical appeal? Was there nothing else involved? When it was his turn, Castiel liked the feelings of ownership that went with seeing Dean wearing a collar _he_ picked out. He liked the dominance of it and having Dean submit to his will, especially since he’s usually so stubborn and in charge and – It just felt _good_. Same as it did now to be the one wearing the collar, only different.

“Is – is that it?”

A smile spreads and Dean lifts the collar to his lips, turning until it’s between their faces. “Yeah, I liked it. I could get used to having you be–” He stops suddenly and his eyes widen a fraction. For a split second, there’s panic in their depths before Dean’s grin turns smug. “– Having you at my mercy.”

What was that? It’s like Dean was going to say something else there. Why was there a hiccup of hesitation? Castiel mentally runs through a list of what it could have been, going from least likely to most likely. It could be any number of things, but only one makes his heart skip a beat.

What if Dean had been about to say ‘ _be… long to me’_?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> \- blow jobs  
> \- collaring  
> \- BDSM undertones/master+sub play  
> \- anal fingering  
> \- anal sex  
> \- bottom/sub!Cas  
> \- top/dom!Dean


	38. Chapter 38

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hey, uh, Cas?” Dean clears his throat and the couch squeaks as he sits forward.
> 
> Castiel doesn’t even pause with his list because he’s made his decision for tonight and he’s going to be sticking to it. “I’m not touching you today.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings at the bottom of the chapter**
> 
> This chapter takes place during [Chapter 19](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/5406122) of the _A Little Patience_ story line.

When Castiel is in class, no matter which class it might be, he prefers to pay attention. That’s how he’s always been and that’s how he’ll always be. Before, it was so he could please his parents and get the grades that were expected of him. Now it’s because he _wants_ to do well and get good grades to excel in _his_ chosen field. Up until now, he’s had no problem with that. Up until now, he wasn’t friends with anyone in his classes. Now he is, and he almost regrets it.

Balthazar is making it difficult to pay attention during the last hour of their class. He’s been spending the last several minutes scribbling questions on a piece of paper and sliding it across the table. Castiel has thus far been answering in as few words as possible while trying to pay attention to the instructor. The topic this hour are about photos with human composition and it’s a particularly interesting topic to him. He’s _terrible_ at taking pictures of people, primarily because the only person he ever wants to photograph is Dean. That’s something Castiel needs to get out of his system, as it is very likely that he’ll end up working for a studio where he’ll be taking pictures of family portraits, or for weddings and other events – all things that are likely to have _people_ in them.

Castiel is in the middle of typing notes on his laptop when Balthazar slides another note across the table. This time with just one line on it; _I’m getting hungry. Want to grab a bite after class with me?_

Well, that would be nice. Castiel _is_ feeling a little hungry himself and he doesn’t exactly have any plans after class. This is his last one for the day, but he knows that Balthazar has another one. Whatever food they grab would have to be quick, as he only has thirty minutes between classes. He supposes he could do it, but he won’t be able to answer Balthazar’s question until he’s done typing his notes. There should be a brief break coming up at the end of the slideshow the professor is currently presenting while he’s switching over to the next slideshow. 

Of all things, Castiel really doesn’t expect his phone to vibrate right now. It’s very rarely that someone texts him _during_ class. The vibration tickles his thigh and he fishes his phone out to put it on his notebook to his left. If it vibrates again, he doesn’t want it to be a distraction. He spares a glance at the screen, just to see who it might be. The message is from Dean and Castiel’s heart lurches slightly. It takes some effort not to check it immediately, but he absolutely must continue paying attention to this topic.

When the changeover occurs, his hand goes to his phone first. Dean gets priority over Balthazar, if only because he’s known him longer and this might be important. He should feel bad about that, but he doesn’t. Partially because he’s just a little annoyed with Balthazar right now for trying to distract him from his learning.

Dean’s message only makes Castiel’s heart beat harder. **_Heads up, we get the apartment to just us! Taking S+J to the uni & gone til Fri!_**

Almost immediately, Castiel’s mind goes to a _very_ dirty place. In particular, it goes to the drawer under his bed where that new dildo for double penetration is currently hidden away, wrapped up in his underwear. This might finally be their chance to use it. Though, they _will_ have a few days to themselves. Maybe he should try and make things a little more interesting? Castiel does his best not to let any of excitement show externally, in case Balthazar starts to ask about it.

His hands feel suddenly weak, his blood pumping too fast at the sheer possibility of what they’ll get to do over the next few days. **_Good. There’s something I’ve been wanting to try._**

 ** _Yeah? What do u have in mind?_** Interesting. Either Dean is rushing to get his texts written, or he’s very excited. He only ever uses shorthand in those kinds of situations.

Castiel shakes his head and smiles down at his phone. **_Telling you would ruin the surprise._**

 ** _Can’t u give me a hint?_** Dean must be pouting. He’s got a fantastic pout and Castiel would obviously be unable to resist it if he were seeing it in person.

Since he’s not there, it’s relatively easy for him to type out his answer. **_No._**

Right away he gets another response. **_Please?_**

**_No._ **

He moves to put his phone down, but another message buzzes again, begging an answer. Castiel sends the same answer again, and repeats it after every message until he receives something longer than a one word plea.

**_Please_ ** _**Caaaaaaaaaaaas? I just want 1 little hint :(** _

_Castiel huffs a small laugh under his breath, just as Balthazar clear his throat and taps at the paper. He must be getting impatient. Fine, alright. That’s easy enough to understand and Castiel picks up his pen to quickly write an answer of his own. I’m sorry, I have plans tonight._

_At this point, he doesn’t exactly know what is going to happen tonight, but he’s already starting to look forward to it. Whatever happens, it’s going to be something new. Something that they can do safely without the worry of Sam walking in at any time hanging over their heads. Perhaps it’s going to be his new toy that he’s just itching to use, or perhaps a new position, or a different kind of sex. Maybe the collars again, maybe not._

_Balthazar pouts at him and reaches over to write on the paper again. Getting laid tonight?_

_Oh lord, he is not answering that. Castiel rolls his eyes and shoves the paper away after Balthazar draws a big smiley face across the bottom of the page. He’s done with this conversation and he has the rest of Dean’s message to get back to. The next slideshow is up and running and he really should be paying attention to that instead of listening with only half an ear._

**_Maybe I’ll tell you if you… ask nicely._** Castiel is only teasing, but he’s rather interested to see if Dean will say anything like he did on his birthday. It might set how the rest of tonight goes.

He isn’t disappointed. **_Please master may I have a hint?_**

Alright, fine. Just one hint and nothing more. **_I bought another item from the store Benny works at._**

That could be just about anything and he sincerely doubts that Dean will be able to guess what it is. And he fully trusts that Benny would never give the secret away. Dean could beg him as much as he wants, but Benny is like stone. He won’t give in and even though Castiel doesn’t know him very well, he at least knows _that_.

 ** _Oh yeah? What?_** It’s just three words, but there’s a whole world of anticipation trapped between them.

Castiel is enjoying this teasing way more than he thought he would. **_No more hints. Please tell Sam and Jess to enjoy themselves._**

He hums to himself and moves to put his phone aside again. It vibrates again and he can’t stop himself from checking it. **_When u done?_**

 ** _Half an hour._** According to the clock on his laptop, that is. The professor, however, seems to function on an entirely different clock and Castiel can never tell which. Sometimes he lets them go on time, sometimes it’s five to ten minutes late, or sometimes it’s even five to ten minutes early.

Dean’s message has him crossing his fingers and hoping that they’ll be out on time. **_I’ll drive u home._**

 ** _I’ll meet you in the main parking lot._** Castiel tries really hard not to outright grin at his phone. **_Thank you, Dean. :)_**

And now he _really_ needs to pay attention to the rest of his class. He puts his phone on silent and tucks it away in his pocket again. Now all he has to deal with his Balthazar. All Castiel can do with him though is to ignore him and continue taking notes. It’s a little difficult, giving how Balthazar keeps nudging his leg and continues to add more questions to the piece of paper. Castiel doesn’t bother reading them. He has a guess at what they could be and he doesn’t want to talk about it right now – or ever.

Eventually, Castiel takes the piece of paper and folds it up to hide it under his laptop. He only gives it back, sans his answers, once the class is called to an end. It’s a few minutes late, but it’s satisfactory and hopefully Dean won’t have been waiting long by the time he gets to the parking lot.

Balthazar groans and knocks their shoulders together. “You’re taking all the fun out of being in the same class together.”

“I’m here to _learn_ , not to talk.” He sighs and starts putting things away in his bag. “Please keep your conversations until _after_ class. Otherwise I’m going to have to stop sitting next to you.” Honestly, he’d rather not because he _does_ enjoy Balthazar company, but so far that’s limited to outside of class.

“You wound me.” Balthazar staggers back with a hand over his heart, but breaks out into a laugh moments later. It doesn’t do anything to slow him down and he launches into a topic they’d been talking about before class started. The conversation, and Balthazar, follow him out towards the parking lot.

While he does participate and even enjoy the conversation, Castiel’s attention is not fully there. He’s scanning the edge of the parking lot the moment it comes within view. A large bus is pulling away from the curb. As soon as it’s out of the way, he sees the Impala in one of the closest parking spots. Dean is leaning against the side of it and he raises his hand in a way when he must see Castiel. He waves back just as Balthazar hums loudly.

“Now who is _that_ tall drink of water?” Balthazar slaps him on the shoulder hard enough that Castiel stumbles forward a step.

That’s not the only reason he throws a glare towards him. “That’s my roommate.”

Balthazar runs a hand through his hair and grins brightly. “Well, come on now. Aren’t you going to introduce me?”

One day Castiel would like to introduce his new friend to his current friends, but he absolutely _does_ not want to do that right now. Not when Balthazar is talking in that tone or smiling like that. “No, _we_ are going home and you have another class to get to. If you’re hungry and need food before that, you had better go and get some.”

That smile falls into a pout, but it only lasts a moment before it’s back and it’s sly. “Are you going _home_ home or, you know, just home?”

No, Castiel is not going to answer that. It sounds suggestive and he doesn’t like it when suggestive things are said concerning him and Dean. “Goodbye, Balthazar. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He starts walking away quickly and Balthazar calls his goodbyes after him. Castiel raises his hand in acknowledgement.

When he reaches the Impala, Dean breaks into a smile. He tilts his head and gestures at the car. “Hey handsome. You going my way?”

Castiel rolls his eyes and nods. “I suppose I could.”

“I promise I’ll show you a good time.” Dean wiggles his eyebrows and pats the top of the Impala. “I’ve heard I’m really good at doing that.”

“I would expect nothing less of you.” He chuckles softly to himself and laughs outright as Dean opens the passenger door for him, even going so far as to close it behind him as he gets in.

As they pull out of the parking lot, Dean starts drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. “By the way, we got robbed today. Sam and Jess cleaned out the cupboards on us. If we want to eat over the next few days, we gotta stop at the store. You okay with that?”

“That’s fine by me.” Castiel nods and tilts his head just enough that he can watch Dean easily from the corner of his eye. “I have nothing special planned tonight.” Not yet, at least. He’s still thinking and working on the perfect course of action to take over the next few days. “Do you?”

Dean glances at him and there’s a confused frown drawing his eyebrows together. “Not – not really?”

That’s a question and not a statement, and it amuses Castiel to no end. He hums and looks out the window. It’s fun to leave Dean guessing sometimes. Something is going to happen tonight, whether Castiel planned for it or not, and Dean knows that. Hopefully. If it becomes obvious that he doesn’t, then he’ll have to drop a few more hints – _after_ he figures out what he wants to do.

Though it may not be entirely appropriate, Castiel spends almost their entire time in the grocery store thinking about what sort of sexual fun they could have over the next few days. It’s a good thing he doesn’t believe that people are capable of reading minds. Otherwise he would be very paranoid that someone might accidentally see what sort of terribly dirty things he’s thinking of. It’s bad enough that he can’t stop himself from putting himself in the exact spot that makes Dean brush up against him every now and then.

He pushes the cart while Dean adds their usual ingredients. They get their basics; bread, cheese, vegetables, fruits, meats, pastas, and sauces. The only processed foods that Dean adds to the cart are frozen pizzas and canned soups. Those are too much work for him on a normal day, but everything else he would rather make from scratch. Except for snack foods. He adds all manner of bags of chips, candies, and popcorn to the cart too.

“What are we having for dinner tonight?” Castiel only thinks to ask that question once they line up at the registers. It could be anything that they have in the cart right now.

“I dunno.” Dean shrugs and starts unloading everything onto the belt. “I was thinking something like potato bacon soup? We’ve got a couple packs of bacon right here, and there’s that bag of potatoes sitting in the kitchen cupboard. Those thieves didn’t take that.”

That sounds wonderful and Castiel nods. His mouth is already starting to water just thinking about it. Dean makes a very good soup and potato bacon is one of his best. It kicks up a kind of nostalgia in Castiel that he shouldn’t technically have. Neither of his parents have ever cooked for him on their own. It’s always been a hired cook and even though the food tasted good, it has never made him feel like Dean’s home cooked meals do.

“Anything else we need before we check out?”

“A little late to be asking that, Dean. We’re next.” He smiles but shakes his head. “I think we’re good.” Besides, they have plenty of condoms and lube at home. They don’t need to buy more right now.

On the drive home, Castiel continues to run over his mental list of everything they have had a chance to try yet. He settles in right next to Dean for the ride home, paying it no mind while he continues to plan his dastardly plot for the evening.

What would be the best thing to do for tonight? Should they just go straight for the double penetration dildo? No, no. That’s _special_. He should save that for Friday morning before Sam comes home. Between now and then, Castiel should figure something else. Something _new_. But what can he do over the course of the next few days? Maybe it could be something new each day, or something that can carry over on all the days? Or, they could do _both_.

Castiel is quickly starting to like the sound of that. They could do something new today, tomorrow, and Thursday, all culminating in using his new toy on Friday morning – the one day of the work week that Castiel doesn’t have classes and he’s not currently scheduled for any shift. To his knowledge, Dean should also have the day off and that is _perfect_. But that leaves only one question; is there anything he could do that would carry over the course of the next few days?

It takes him quite a while to figure the answer out to that question. He comes to his decision while he’s in the shower, not long after he and Dean finished putting away the groceries. While they could have gotten right down to the fun they both know they’re going to have tonight, Castiel does enjoy the thrill he gets from teasing Dean. There’s something to be said about making him wait when he’s wanting. And that’s when it hits him. Right there in the middle of his shower, Castiel knows exactly what he’s going to do over the next few days; _edging_.

That’s absolutely perfect. If he tries edging for the next few days, he can reward himself with using his new toy for the first time on Friday. But is there a way for him to do it where it would be a surprise for Dean? Castiel _loves_ surprises. That and he’s not entirely sure that Dean will want him to start edging tonight, or at all. He is well aware of just how much Dean enjoys making him come. More often than not, he always watches every orgasm with an intense stare.

By the time his shower comes to an end, all of his plans have been made. Castiel is going to do his best to keep the edging a secret. It will be difficult, but he should be able to do it. The hardest part is going to be to figure out how to keep himself from orgasming when they have sex tonight. Unless they do it _without_ the actual act. That’s a possibility, and he knows exactly how he’s going to do that. It’s going to be another item off his list, and now he’s looking forward to tonight more than he ever did before.

Unfortunately, he can’t put any part of his plan into action until after his homework is done. That’s something Dean made him promise before school started. He must make sure to have all his school work done before they can have their fun. Which is why Castiel changed into his pajama pants and matching t-shirt after his shower rather than just walking out into the apartment naked, as he has been known to do when it’s just them and sex is a sure thing. On the bright side, with his homework out of the way Castiel will be able to focus on nothing but Dean for the rest of the evening.

The moment he steps into the living room, Dean snorts a laugh into his hand. It must be the pajamas. He _always_ laughs at this particular set. Something about rubber ducks wearing sunglasses just seems to be hilarious to Dean. In either case, Castiel likes them, even though he always wears a zippered hoodie over the t-shirt whenever Sam is home. That’s just to hide the feathered ends of his tattoos. T-shirts don’t hide them and thus far Sam is none the wiser to their existence.

Dean, however, seems to like it. Regardless of how amusing he finds this particular pair of pajamas, he’s still watching Castiel closely with a hungry look in his eyes. He knows what Dean wants, and he raises an eyebrow at him. Has he forgotten the rule regarding his homework? Or does he think they don’t need to abide by it given that Sam is gone for the rest of the week? Well, that’s too bad. His homework comes first and Castiel might as well start with his edging now, even if he isn’t exactly aroused at the moment.

Either way, this is going to be _fun_.

*

Castiel has a paper to write and he spends the better portion of his evening absolutely absorbed with his homework. He’s aware enough of his surroundings to eat dinner and know that Dean is in the process of having a Skype call with his friend Charlie. And he’s being so polite about it too! Dean has been using headphones for the whole conversation _and_ he’s been keeping his voice low whenever he’s been in the same room – which has been pretty much the whole time.

That’s fine, though. Castiel hasn’t been paying any attention to the vast majority of the things Dean has been saying. Primarily because there hasn’t been anything to eavesdrop about. But it was only a matter of time before something juicy would be said and it completely catches Castiel’s attention.

“You seriously want me to watch porn while we’re in a video call?” What in the _world_ is going on with their call? Castiel glances up from his laptop top with a squint. Dean waves a hand to dismiss him without looking up from his screen.

Charlie must say something, because Dean laughs and rolls his eyes “Says the person who sent me the link in the first place.” He starts tapping at his keyboard for a few moments before his eyes go wide.

Castiel tries his hardest not to watch, but he recognizes the flush creeping up from under the collar of his shirt. He knows what causes that and it’s only a matter of time before Dean says something to him. Luckily, Castiel is almost finished with his homework. His paper has practically written itself and now he’s just making a list in his notebook of points that he wants to be sure were covered when he’s in the midst of editing the whole thing tomorrow. He prefers editing the next day instead of the same day, if only to give his mind a chance to relax.

After a few minutes, Dean whistles softly. “Hot damn.”

Whatever Charlie says in response makes Dean laugh again. This time, however, it’s accompanied by a slight shifting in his seat. Dean starts tapping at his keyboard again as he clears his throat. “I gotta go.”

And there it is, as Castiel predicted. It was only ever a matter of time.

Dean stops clicking only to huff and bring his hand up to the edge of the screen. “I’ll be sure to give you the details afterward.”

Well that’s just downright suspicious. Details about _what_ exactly? Does Dean tell Charlie about their sex life? No, he wouldn’t dare. That must have been sarcasm. Castiel knows Dean and he knows exactly how much he wants to have their sexual relationship be kept a _secret_. As much as he hates thinking about it, Castiel puts that out of his mind and instead tries to focus on finishing the last of his list. And he most _definitely_ does his best not to notice that Dean’s hand is in his lap. Whatever he’s doing, it’s not something Castiel should be thinking about when he has homework on his mind.

“Hey, uh, Cas?” Dean clears his throat and the couch squeaks as he sits forward.

Castiel doesn’t even pause with his list because he’s made his decision for tonight and he’s going to be sticking to it. “I’m not touching you today.”

The silence in response is deafening. As tempting as it is to see Dean’s reaction, Castiel instead looks to his textbook on the bed next to him, feigning the need to flip a page just so he won’t look. “I’ve decided that today I’m not going to touch you.” Though that will be _incredibly_ difficult on him. “If you want to get off, you’ll be doing it on your own.”

“Why?” Dean’s pout is audible and he sounds so very disappointed.

Does he think that they won’t be doing _anything_ tonight? Castiel’s notes come to an end moments before his willpower runs out. He puts his pen down slowly and closes his laptop, textbook, and notebook before he looks at Dean. Sure enough, he looks very confused. That wasn’t really part of the plan, but the plan hasn’t exactly been explained just yet. He had to pay attention to his homework, after all. But now Dean can have his full attention and Castiel very much wants to give it.

“I want to watch you get off.” He gets to his feet while maintaining that crucial eye contact. It causes Dean’s flush to deepen to an alluring shade. “I want to watch you touch yourself.”

Castiel turns and starts towards the bedroom, gesturing for Dean to follow him. “I want to see you touch yourself how you would want me to touch you.”

Dean is hot on his heels and when Castiel turns around, it’s to those hungry eyes. From what he can tell, everything hints towards Dean looking very _interested_. It’s good to know that Castiel’s surprise is apparently acceptable. He hasn’t heard any disagreements yet, so he must be on the right track. The most difficult thing from this point onwards will be to keep his hands to himself. Oh God. This is going to be impossible. They’re both still fully clothed, but Dean is flushed and he looks so very _tempting_.

All Castiel wants to do is reach out and touch him. He wants to press his mouth to the column of his throat and taste the flush burning under that skin. Castiel wants to breathe him in and peel the layers of his clothes off; to press against that heated body and get as close as he possibly can. His fingers are itching to touch and he has to curl them into fists. He needs some self-control here and Castiel starts by closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.

Before they do anything, he needs to make sure that Dean actually does want to do this. “Is –” Oh, talking without letting his voice shake is hard. “Is that acceptable to you? I’ll understand if you don’t want to. We can –”

“It’s fine.” Dean cuts him off with a smile and even has the courtesy to turn the desk chair around and move it to the corner of the desk. “You can sit here. It’s the best spot in the house –” He pauses and gives Castiel a flat look. “And just so you know, I’m not doing any of that _master_ stuff tonight. That only happens when the collar is on, got it?”

Oh yes, absolutely. Castiel understands and he nods to prove it. He hadn’t even really considered using the collars tonight. That would have been an extra spice to the night, but he certainly wouldn’t be able to hold himself back if that were the case. It’s already hard enough and all Dean is doing is going around the room collecting supplies. First he gets a bottle of lube from the bedside table, and next he takes his time rifling through the closet for the box of _extra_ items.

His interest is piqued when Dean brings the _whole_ box to the bed. Does he intend to use more than one item from their little collection? Castiel can only really think of one item in there that would make sense to use on one’s own. He raises an eyebrow at the box and Dean’s only response to it is a wink. The box ends up on the bed next to the lube but no effort is made to open it. Instead, Dean starts undressing. In doing so, Castiel immediately regrets choosing to _not touch him_ after they haven’t had a chance to themselves for the last few days. In hindsight, he probably should have done this tomorrow.

With a roll of his shoulders, Dean shrugs his over shirt off and tosses it towards his clothes basket. He reveals the soft planes of his stomach and chest slowly, stretching more than is physically necessary as he takes off his t-shirt. Castiel knows what he’s trying to do and it’s having its desired effect. He swallows thickly as his mouth goes dry and his grip on the armrests of the chair tightens. Heat is slowly starting to curl its way through his stomach and he congratulates himself for the foresight of wearing pajama pants. It is _exceedingly_ less comfortable to be aroused in jeans.

Dean hums to himself as he throws his t-shirt to join the rest of his clothing and takes a moment to roll his neck. He arches his back and shakes out his arms, limbering up for only God knows what. Castiel can make a few guesses, but he’s honestly not sure what Dean is going to do next. The request was that he touch himself like he wants to be touched. For all Castiel knows, that could mean he’ll simply sit there and masturbate. Or, if he’s very lucky, it will be so much _more_ than that.

The jeans are still on when Dean finally gets on the bed, his socks having gone the way of his shirts. He drops onto his back and stretches out with a groan. Castiel bites his bottom lip and takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. His heart is a rapid beat in his ears as Dean rests his hands on his stomach, fingers stroking gently. With the utmost care, Dean starts sweeping his hands over his chest in a teasing caress. It’s _exactly_ how Castiel would touch him if he were given the chance and his palms itch to reach out.

This is turning out more difficult than he thought it would be. The urge to touch is growing by the minute as Dean’s fingers slide up his throat and along his jaw. Castiel forces himself to keep his breathing even. It’s entirely possible that Dean could hear him from here and he doesn’t want to give away just how much this is beginning to excite him. Especially as Dean traces his lips with one finger – and more so as one hand slides into his hair and pulls lightly. Despite how it’s his own hand, his mouth opens on a soft moan and he arches his neck.

Castiel’s next breath stutters in his throat because he’s fairly certain that was _his_ name he just heard. Things get infinitely worse as Dean’s hands start their journey downwards. He can’t tear his eyes away, taking in how Dean’s hips wiggle and the goose bumps that spread across his skin. Castiel’s body reacts like a mirror and he shivers. He can easily imagine both sides of this – what it would be like being the one touching him, and how Dean’s hands would feel on his own body.

It’s almost a physical sensation in his own body as he watches Dean palm the front of his jeans. Castiel takes a deep breath and suppresses a shiver as those cursed hips start moving again, pushing up into his hand. This is already starting to feel like torture, but Castiel is going to stick to his decision. His grip on the chair is white knuckled, and it’s only going to get harder from here. Especially as Dean undoes his belt and opens his pants.

 _Oh God_. Castiel chokes on his next breath as Dean brings his knees to his chest while sliding the last of his clothing off. He wasn’t kidding when he called this the best seat in the house. Castiel can see _everything_ and he catches himself leaning forward as if to touch. He drops his hands to his knees, gripping them instead. It shouldn’t be possible, but he swears that his mouth goes dry yet but starts salivating all at the same time when Dean lowers his legs again and spreads them.

He always knew that Dean paid attention to what they do together, but Castiel is rather surprised to see just what that means. It’s uncanny how Dean’s hand moves over his erection in nearly the same way as when he touches him. And it’s everything Castiel can do to keep his hands off Dean _and_ to refrain from touching himself. He’s only supposed to be watching. Would it be outside of the parameters of voyeurism if he offered some suggestions as to what Dean could do next? Because he would _really_ like to see him – Oh. Never mind. Dean’s doing it all on his own because he’s _perfect_.

Castiel is entirely focused on tracking the movement of Dean’s fingertips as they tease between his legs. Dear God, Dean needs to get the lube and finger himself properly. He wants to see what that looks like and this is killing him quicker than he thought it would. This is going to be the first time he ever sees Dean finger himself and Castiel can’t _wait_. So much so that when Dean’s hand finally strays to the lube, he holds his breath in anticipation.

That breath escapes him on a hiss at the first finger Dean slips inside. He doesn’t get long to appreciate this particular angle. It’s only a few moments later before Dean changes positions. Honestly, it really is for the better. Castiel has to bite back another strangled noise of delight as Dean takes to his knees and presses his face into the pillows. Dean just looks so _good_ with one arm stretched down between his legs, fingers already working into himself again.

When he hears his name again, muffled into the pillow as Dean rocks back on his fingers, Castiel knows what’s going on. Dean’s playing dirty. He’s trying to lure him into breaking his vow of voyeurism. It’s not working, but it _is_ making it very hard to ignore the building pressure in his groin. They’re still technically in what would be considered foreplay, yet Castiel is already tenting the front of his pajama pants. The chair creaks as he shifts, trying to make himself comfortable and _breathe_.

To his surprise, Dean’s free hand flails across the bed to knock the box of toys over. Things are moving much faster than Castiel expected and if this goes too quickly, he won’t be nearly as worked up as he wants to be. He wants to be _unbearably_ aroused by the time Dean comes. And then he’ll deny himself and go take an ice cold shower so he can make it all go away. It will be torture but, if there’s any truth in what he’s read online, the orgasm will be all the more powerful when he _does_ allow himself to come.

The contents of the box spill across the sheets and Dean goes right for the vibrator. He fumbles with lubing it up, but he wastes no time in reaching back to try lining it up. This is going too fast and Castiel isn’t ready for that yet. He wants to keep watching Dean use his fingers – to learn how he likes to touch himself. This is a rare opportunity and he doesn’t want to waste it. No, he needs to stop this before Dean actually starts using the vibrator on himself.

“Not yet.” Castiel’s throat is so dry that is voice sounds utterly wrecked. “Keep – please, keep using your fingers, Dean.” This isn’t a demand. It’s a request and dear _God_ he hopes Dean listens to it.

Castiel’s hopes wane when Dean twists enough to glare at him around the curve of his shoulder. It’s weak at best, and Dean groans. “But I want it, Cas.” His voice is deep and desperate and Castiel takes a sharp breath at the sheer sound of it. “I wanna be _full_. The vibe is the closest thing I’ve got to _you_.”

That’s not fair. Dean’s taking the game to a whole new realm of dirty and Castiel licks his lips because it is _so_ tempting. With just a little more preparation, Dean would be ready for him. He could abandon his whole plan for the rest of the week and join him on the bed. There’s nothing stopping him except for his own desires, and those are starting to sound more and more foolish by the minute. But he has to be strong. He _will_ be strong.

“Please, Dean, not yet.” Castiel shakes his head slowly and curls his hands in the fabric of his pants. “Just a little longer with your fingers.”

Again, Dean groans and he presses his face into the pillow. For a moment, Castiel thinks that he’s not going to listen to his request. The universe must be working in mysterious ways right now, because he actually _listens_. Dean rolls over onto his back again, but this time he positions himself more towards the corner where Castiel is sitting. Immediately he’s convinced that Dean is trying to kill him because that bastard spreads his legs and gets right back to stretching himself open with three fingers.

Castiel squeezes his legs together, hoping that might somehow help stave off the arousal. It does absolutely nothing, but at least he tried. Just like how he’s trying so hard to decide where he wants to look. His eyes are obviously drawn to the display going on between Dean’s legs, but one of the things he has always loved the most is seeing his _face_ when he’s feeling pleasure. Castiel tries his best to split his attention between both, but Dean is making that _very_ difficult.

He must be doing this on purpose. Dean is watching him the entire time and Castiel’s heart stutters violently in his chest every time he looks up to find those intense eyes locked on him. And it certainly doesn’t help matters whenever Dean whimpers his name. It’s making it impossible to hold still and every squirm only aggravates his erection. God, but he wants nothing more than to be on that bed with him.

It’s getting _very_ hot in the room and he’s almost certain that there’s sweat dripping down the back of his neck. Would this be considered a failed attempt if he took off any of his clothing? Because he’s _seriously_ considering it now that Dean has added a fourth finger and Castiel can hardly breathe. Dean is trembling hard and rocking his hips, and talking – No. _Demanding_. It’s all Castiel can do to choke out a short; _no_.

“Please – Jesus, Cas, _please_?” Now he’s devolved into _begging_ and every syllable is chipping away at Castiel’s will power. “I want – I _need_ –”

“I’m not – I _can’t_ –” But he could, though. It would be so easy. Dean is right there within reach and Castiel could touch him, taste him, push his pants out of the way and give him _exactly_ what he wants. But he can’t. He _won’t_.

It takes a deep, shaky breath in through his mouth and out through his nose to ground himself again. “Dean, I’m not going to touch you. But you can – you should use the vibrator now.”

Oh yes, it is most definitely time for the vibrator. Castiel has reached the point where this needs to be over. Otherwise he’s not going to be able to hold back and he’ll never make it to the cold shower he’s planning to have after this. It’s all about self control right now and he’s practically trembling in place with effort involved with that. He’s never had a view from this angle and it’s going to be interesting to watch Dean ride something like the vibrator. His fingers were one thing, but the vibrator will be something else entirely.

After some fumbling and effort, Dean gets the vibrator in hand again and gets it lubed up again. He’s clearly rushing and Castiel doesn’t have the heart to tell him to slow down. At this point, he likely wants this as much as Dean does – though in entirely different ways, to be sure.

“Oh fu-u-u-ck, _Cas_.” Dean groans loudly, his back arching off the bed as he rocks his hips down on the vibrator, taking it all in with one hard motion.

Castiel doesn’t even care that a whimper escapes him. His mouth can’t close because that’s how he’s breathing and if he stops breathing he just might die. No, he’s fairly certain he _will_ die. This is going to kill him. His heart is going to give out or he’s going to come in his pants because he is going to _die_ at the mere sight of Dean’s body trembling as he starts to move. The vibrator isn’t even turned on, but Dean moves like it is. He’s completely ignoring the remote and it’s just _right there_.

It’s right there and it’s oh so very tempting. This is one temptation that Castiel won’t deny himself. Since Dean is so distracted right now, he doesn’t even notice when he leans forward to grab it. He’s barely settled back in the chair again before Dean starts blindly searching across the blankets. Castiel waits until he actually turns his head to look for it before he flicks the switch on the remote to the highest setting _just_ to see what’s going to happen.

Dean makes a strangled noise of surprise and his whole body goes still. It’s a beautiful arch of trembling skin and muscle and it’s just _begging_ for Castiel’s lips and teeth and tongue. He takes a shaky breath, altogether _far_ too pleased with the results. But it’s not enough. He wants Dean to keep moving. Castiel wants to watch the slide of the vibrator as it moves in him. He wants to watch the way Dean strains to keep the rhythm of his hips. He wants this to go on forever and he wants it over all at once.

“You should keep moving, Dean.” The words are rough and guttural in his mouth, but he doesn’t mind.

What he _does_ mind is that Dean doesn’t listen to him. He’s holding still and he’s beautiful like this, but it’s not what Castiel wants. To show his disapproval, he turns the vibrator off. If Dean wants it back on, he’s going to have to move for it. The message must get across rather clearly, because Dean starts rocking his hips again. He’s so _good_ and Castiel rewards him by turning the vibrator back on, but this time only to the lowest setting. It’s the least he could do, after all.

It doesn’t take long before Dean brings his other hand in to help him along, though he hardly has to stroke himself at all. His hips are doing most of the work and it’s absolutely _hypnotic_. He can’t look away and this beautiful display is going to be burned into his memory for the rest of his life. Castiel is sure of it. If what they have between them ever comes to an end, at least he’ll have a variety of memories both sweet and sexy to look back on.

Those bittersweet thoughts are interrupted rather suddenly as Dean groans actual _words_. “Cas, I need – I want – I need _you_.” He takes a sharp breath and rolls his hips particularly hard. “Fuck, Cas – Cas touch me. Goddamn – please – touch me.”

Castiel closes his eyes and shakes his head. He can’t. He _won’t_. He breathes hard through his nose and shakes his head. Alright, this needs to end now. Right now. Preferably yesterday. There are fractures quickly forming in his self-control and while he did enjoy the torture before, this is quickly becoming _too_ much for him. And that’s why Castiel pushes the remote straight to the _high_ setting. Dean appreciates it almost as much as he does. He sinks down on the vibrator with a loud groan, holding that one position as the muscles in his legs tremble with the effort.

A tight whimper shakes through his chest when Dean comes. Castiel refuses to blink, watching every twitch and memorizing every gasp and swear. He doesn’t even _think_ about moving from his chair until Dean sags back to the bed and slowly removes the vibrator. It’s a miracle that he remembers to turn the remote off before he’s out of the chair and all but running from the room. Castiel doesn’t try to be quiet about it either. The time for sneakiness has long passed.

It’s hard to walk and his hands are shaking, but by some miracle he manages to get out of his clothing without falling flat on his face. His hand strays to his erection several times in the short moments that it takes for him to turn the shower on. This is the first time Castiel has ever had such a cold shower and he swears loudly as soon as the water hits his skin. It feels _terrible_ and dear God is this what he’s going to have to deal with for the next few days? He wraps his arms around himself and shivers violently, teeth chattering as he faces the spray and waits for the nightmare to be over.

Of course – _of course_ – it takes _forever_ for his erection to go away. It takes long enough that Castiel begins to doubt that this is an effective method of dealing with unwanted arousal. Well, this isn’t exactly _unwanted_ but it sucks and it sucks hard. Has there ever been a moment in his life where he hated being aroused as much as he does now? Regardless of that answer, Castiel is frustrated and angry and he wants to go to the gym and kick the stuffing out of a punching bag.

No, wait. There’s something even better he could do than that. He can kiss Dean. The sex and voyeurism and everything is officially done with. Now he can take his frustrations out on Dean with kisses until they go away. If he’s lucky, that won’t re-arouse him. It’s unlikely, but the likes that option better. He hasn’t kissed Dean all day and that’s ridiculous. They’ve been on their own for hours now and Castiel has completely neglected one of his most favourite of activities.

The first thing he does once he’s done with his shower, mostly dry and dressed again, he hunts Dean down in the kitchen. There’s a frown on those lips, but Castiel ignores it for the sole purpose of pressing him up against the fridge. Dean grunts in surprise but that quickly turns into a satisfied hum. It doesn’t take any convincing at all to get him to participate in the kisses. If anything, he’s overly enthusiastic.

Dean’s fingers dig into his hips and he licks into the kiss with a fervor that makes Castiel’s knees go weak. Oh God _yes_. This is everything he needed ten minutes ago and he never should have given it up. Castiel gives his approval through soft sounds, especially as Dean starts guiding him backwards. They end up toppling backwards onto his bed and he touches. Dear God, but he _touches_. Castiel gets in all the touches he wishes he could have had before.

His hands seek out his hair, his back, his ass, his sides and his shoulders. Sliding along every inch of Dean that he can get them to. It feels so good to have the solid feel of that familiar body under his hands. He mentally crosses voyeurism off his list of things to do, because this – this was almost impossible and he _never_ wants to do it again. Not unless it means that he can maybe peep on Dean in the future and then join him before things get too far along. Oh, that _does_ sound nice and –

 _No_. Castiel can’t think about that. If he does, he’ll get aroused again and he can’t take another cold shower tonight. It would kill him. He’d shiver right out of his skin. One more cold shower and he’s going to have a complex against ice water for the rest of his life – and that was only after having _one_ cold shower. He can’t imagine how there are people out there who take them often.

By some miracle of God, he only gets a slight stirring in his lower belly by the time their kisses come to an end. At that point, Castiel still hasn’t had his fill of touching and he definitely doesn’t want to let go right now. Dean seems to be of the same mind. He’s the one who moves the papers, books, and laptop out of the way so they can settle comfortably against the pillows. Once they’re down again, Castiel gathers Dean to him and picks up his habit of running his fingers through his hair. It never fails to make Dean settle against him with a happy sigh.

Even though they didn’t get to have sex tonight, they still got to do Castiel’s favourite part about being intimate with Dean. Voyeurism or not, _this_ is what he will never give up. And he’ll make sure that he doesn’t miss out on this tomorrow, or the day after, and most _definitely_ not on Friday.

And _that_ is a day that he is greatly looking forward to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Warnings:_  
>  \- solo  
> \- voyeurism  
> \- toys


	39. Chapter 39

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> That shiver crawls straight into Castiel’s gut and he curls the fingers of his freehand into the bunched up blanket next to him. It’s the only way he can keep himself from touching himself yet. “Can you –” Oh this is more difficult than he thought and his throat goes tight. “Would you please talk dirty to me? I would like to try phone sex.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings at the bottom of the chapter**
> 
> This chapter takes place during [Chapter 20](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/5480705) and [Chapter 21](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/5585903)of the _A Little Patience_ story line.

This is unbelievable. Dean went to his room and to sleep _on his own_. Sam is literally not even in the same city as they are and they’re _still_ not sharing a bed. They’re sleeping separately and Castiel can’t believe that Dean has done this to him. He’s alone in his bed – _alone!_ – with his arms crossed and a glare that’s boring a mental hole through the ceiling. And that’s how he stays, lamenting Dean’s poor decisions and his own lack of courage to speak up about it, until he falls asleep.

Considering how Castiel went to sleep, it’s no surprise that he wakes up just as grumpy. This morning would have been _infinitely_ better if he had woken up next to Dean. It’s absolutely unacceptable that he’s not. Even worse than that is the fact that Castiel wakes up to a persistent and _extremely_ annoying morning wood and that means he’s going to need to take another cold shower. It’s officially. This is literally the worst day in the history of ever.

It takes two whole cups of coffee after his ridiculously frigid shower to warm Castiel up even slightly and ease his frown. By then, Dean has made an appearance and is shuffling around pouring himself some cereal for breakfast and making his lunch for the day. Castiel watches him from the table, sipping his coffee and loosely going over his plans for the day. He has a morning class before coming back to the apartment for lunch, and this afternoon he’s covering part of an afternoon shift at the café.

There isn’t too much for them to talk about this morning, and Dean did wake up rather late. As soon as he’s done eating, he’s in and out of the bathroom and getting dressed. Castiel isn’t in nearly as much of a hurry and takes his time with packing up his homework and laptop for class. Everything is still in a mess from the night before and he didn’t bother cleaning anything after they were moved off his bed.

“Alright, Cas, I’m heading out.” Dean interrupts his clean up from the front door as he’s pulling on his shoes. “If you need a ride at any point, give me a call. Otherwise, I’ll see you later.”

“One moment, Dean!” Castiel drops everything and heads him off. “One more thing before you go.”

Dean raises one eyebrow in question. The other goes up too when Castiel uses his belt loops to pull him forward into a short, sweet kiss. It’s the perfect start to the day and he leans into the kiss, enjoying it for as long as he can. He so rarely gets the chance to give Dean a goodbye kiss that he can hardly let it pass without acting on it.

“I’ll see you this evening.” Castiel smiles softly as he steps back. “I hope you have a good day at work.”

The kiss seems to leave Dean dumbfounded, though smiling. He almost forgets to grab his lunch before he heads out the door, but he does eventually get on his way. Once he’s gone, Castiel hums to himself and focuses on thinking about every nun he’s ever met in his life in the hopes that will keep him from being aroused. That’s a hair trigger for him this morning and he hopes he’ll be fine for the rest of the day. It’s entirely unlikely, but he can at least _hope_.

This way, when he gets to school, Castiel can at least _attempt_ to put all his focus on listening to his instructor. If he puts enough effort into it, he might be able to keep Balthazar from suspecting that anything is going on with him. It would be an absolutely nightmare if he somehow managed to figure out what Castiel is up to.

Essentially, that’s exactly how his morning class goes. After an hour or so of near nonstop focus, Castiel takes a quick moment to sneak a text message to Dean. It’s nothing but a quick reminder to call him on his lunch break while insisting that he be _alone_. Lunch is a few hours away for the both of them, but he wants to make sure that Dean gets this message before he sits down to have lunch with the rest of his friends or something. At that point, Castiel should be home and he has something _fun_ planned before he goes to work this afternoon.

*

When he gets home from class, Castiel makes the executive decision to change his clothes. His outfit for work is different from what he wears to class anyways, and he doesn’t want to dirty either. As such, he elects to put on a t-shirt and his usual sweatpants. He doesn’t care if these get dirty, and it’s _much_ more comfortable to go without underwear while wearing these.

Castiel is just laying out his work clothing on his bed when his phone rings. He answers the call on the third ring. “One moment, Dean.”

It feels weird to walk around without underwear on, but Castiel puts up with it as he makes his way to Dean’s bedroom. He doesn’t have to worry about Sam coming home in the middle of anything, he still locks the bedroom door. This is a level of freedom he could get used to, but he does feel a rather heavy amount of guilt over wishing one of his best friends didn’t live here. He’ll have to do something really nice for Sam to make up for such a terrible thought.

Apparently Dean didn’t make his bed this morning. The blanket is bunched up to one side of the mattress. Castiel doesn’t mind it and he settles into place in the center of the bed. As soon as he drops back against the pillow, all he can smell is Dean and he closes his eyes to savour this moment. Castiel has never been in Dean’s bed while home alone and even with him on the phone, it still feels a little thrilling. More thrilling than it really has any right being.

The moment is broken when Dean starts shuffling on the other end of the line. “What’s up, Cas?”

“I’m just making myself comfortable.” He hums as he toes his socks off.

After a moment’s pause, Dean slowly asks the best follow up question he can. “Where?”

Now this is where Castiel could get in trouble. Being in Dean’s room while he isn’t home is a violation of the unspoken rules of the roommate. But, as Dean’s sexual partner, he _might_ get an exemption to that rule. That small possibility of getting in trouble is what causes Castiel to hesitate before answering.

“… Your bed.”

“Oh.” That one syllable is chock full of intrigue and he knows immediately that he has Dean’s attention. There’s the sound of chewing before the next question is posed, and this time it’s in a lower register that sends a shiver down Castiel’s spine. “So, what’s up, buttercup?”

That shiver crawls straight into Castiel’s gut and he curls the fingers of his freehand into the bunched up blanket next to him. It’s the only way he can keep himself from touching himself yet. “Can you –” Oh this is more difficult than he thought and his throat goes tight. “Would you please talk dirty to me? I would like to try phone sex.”

In hindsight, he probably shouldn’t be springing this on Dean right now. He _is_ at work after all, which is the very first thing Dean says in response to that. “Cas, I’m at work!”

Luckily, he had a contingency plan for that. “You’re on your lunch break and you’re likely hiding out in your car.” It’s the only place Dean can go for privacy, and he always parks his car on the absolute far side of the parking lot to keep it away from customers and tow-trucks.

Dean makes a choked sound that almost resembles a laugh. “Yeah, and the Impala has _windows_.” His voice gets thick again as he must take another bite of his sandwich. “I don’t know where you’re from buddy, but you can usually _see through those_.”

Castiel can’t fight the smile pulling up his lips. He didn’t really intend for this to be as fun as it’s feeling right now. “Then don’t touch yourself.” With all the difficulty he had last night, it feels almost vindictively good to make that suggestion. Dean can stand to try a bit of what Castiel is about to put himself through _again_.

“Dude, are you _trying_ to kill me?”

He hums and moves his hand to his thigh, rubbing absently. “No, not currently.”

It’s hardly much of a touch and already Castiel is reacting to it. Is this normal for edging? Is he _supposed_ to get aroused at the drop of the hat? He’s already getting hard and he hasn’t even touched himself yet. Oh, why not? The best way to get Dean to participate is to start without him. _Hopefully_.

Castiel presses a hand to the front of his sweat pants where he’s already starting to tent the fabric and gasps at how good it feels. This is _nothing_ and he grossly underestimated how easy edging would be. He can’t hold back his voice and Dean’s name escapes him on a hiss. Castiel squirms and shoves the blanket off the bed, kicking to make sure it’s out of the way. He would be mortified if he accidentally made a mess on it while Dean wasn’t here. It’s an entirely different matter if Dean was physically involved with making that mess.

As soon as the blanket is out of the way, Castiel goes back to rubbing himself. He closes his eyes at the sensation, goosebumps spreading across his skin. Everything feels heightened and his ribs feel tighter than usual. It feels _good_ and he hopes to God that he’s going to be able to last long enough to work Dean up at least a little bit.

There’s a noise on the other end of the line before Dean clears his throat. “What are you doing, Cas?”

“Dean, _please_.” Castiel hisses and spreads his legs slightly, making room while gently running a finger over his growing erection. How much longer is he going to have to beg before Dean will be on board with the phone sex? They’ve tried dirty talk before, and it _does_ work to an extent, but Castiel has never done it without Dean’s hands on him. He wants to try this, but he can’t continue it if Dean won’t play along. “I –”

“I mean it, Cas.” Dean cuts him off as his voice pitches deeper. “ _What are you doing_? Right now.”

Excellent! It looks like he _is_ going to participate and Castiel tilts his head back into the pillow, delighted. “O-oh! I’m – um –” This feels a little awkward and he drops his voice into a whisper out of habit. “I’m rubbing myself through my pants.”

Dean takes a deep breath and it sounds like he lets it out through his nose. “With your whole hand or just your palm? Or is it with your fingers?”

Good question. He’s just been letting his hand do whatever it wants without much supervision. Castiel looks down and bites his lip. “Just one finger – t-tracing myself.” He takes a deep breath and swallows thickly. “I’m not wearing any underwear.”

“You thought of everything, didn’t you?”

“I’ve been planning this for a while.” If ‘ _a while_ ’ is roughly a day. Though, technically speaking, phone sex _has_ been on his list of things to do and Castiel had given plenty of thought of how he would like to do it when he was making the list in the first place.

Dean laughs, soft and low. “And you didn’t let me in on it? That’s pretty naughty of you, Cas.”

Something about being called _naughty_ tickles at the pleasure center of Castiel’s brain. He hums at the feeling and smothers a smile. “How do we – what do we do now?”

After a few moments of silence where he must be thinking over his plan of action, Dean clears his throat. “You’re going to do exactly as I say, Cas. Got it?”

God _yes_. He rather likes it when Dean takes control like this. He knows more about all of this than Castiel does, in most instances. This is something he’s _definitely_ never done before, so having Dean take the reins and direct the call as needed takes a lot of the weight off Castiel’s shoulders.

He licks his lips and nods, regardless of whether Dean can see him or not. “Okay, but –” He takes a deep breath and steels himself. “On one condition.”

“Oh, yeah? What is it?”

Castiel knows Dean isn’t going to like this, but he has no choice. He’s edging and he wants to keep that a surprise for as long as he can. “We end the call before I come.”

“Before you –” Dean chokes at the condition and he raises his voice, clearly unhappy with the decision. “Are you kidding me? Why would I – why would you want –”

And there’s the opposition he was expecting. Castiel sighs and squeezes his eyes shut. It’s hard enough to stick to his decisions here. In fact, he would much rather come than continue with the edging, but he made his choice and he’s going to stick to it until he just can’t any more – and he hasn’t reached that point quite yet.

“I’ll explain it later. Please just –” His hand slips in its slow back-and-forth motion over his lap and his fingers slide over the head of his growing erection. That sudden bolt of pleasure breaks his plea up with a quiet moan. It takes Castiel a short moment to gather himself again. “Please, Dean, I need –”

He can’t even verbalize exactly what he needs right now, but Dean seems to understand. With a groan, he gives in. “ _Fine_. But you’re damn well gonna make this up to me as soon as I get home, Cas. You’re going to drive me crazy if you keep this up and I’m gonna _snap_ one of these days.”

As long as Dean snaps in Castiel’s general direction and it involves pushing him up against the nearest surface, then he’s plenty happy with that. But he does sound frustrated and Castiel doesn’t exactly like making him feel like that. Luckily, he knows just want he can do to make it up to Dean.

“I’ll – The moment you pull into the parking garage, I’ll suck you off.” Hopefully that will be acceptable and they can just move on. “Can we – what do we do next?”

Dean sighs and there’s a creak in the background of the call. “Use your whole hand, Cas. Rub yourself with your palm through your pants.”

Oh he can most definitely do that and he does it without hesitation. A soft sound of delight ekes out before he can catch it as he arches his back, pushing his erection down against his thigh as he rubs. The friction is _exquisite_ , though there’s something missing. He needs _more_.

“How does it feel, Cas?”

Is he reading his mind through the phone? “Like it – it’s not enough.”

A hum meets his answer, and Dean gives another order. “I want you to pinch your nipples, Cas. Touch your chest like how I know you love it.”

That’s going to be a problem. One of Castiel’s hands is occupied with holding the phone to his ear, and the other is busy carrying out Dean’s last command. Is he – is he going to have to stop doing that so he can do the first? Or maybe he can – Okay, he’ll try it this way. Castiel tilts his head to pin the phone between his ear and shoulder. It’s not a sustainable position, but he’ll deal with it for now to get his shirt up and out of the way. With one hand working his chest and the other his lap, he only gets harder and everything starts feeling ten times better.

The seats of the Impala creak again as Dean must move to adjust himself. “Why don’t you put your fingers in your mouth, Cas? I want to hear you suck on them. I bet you’d look filthy – curling that fucking tongue of yours around them.”

Already? But he _just_ started down the last thing he – No, never mind. Dean is directing the show right now and Castiel will do almost everything that he asks. He abandons his chest to do just as Dean wants; sliding three fingers past his lips. With some difficulty, he works his tongue over them and tries to make them slick enough for Dean to be able to hear just what he’s doing. This really gives Castiel nothing, but if it’s something Dean wants to hear or wants him to do, then what harm is there in doing it? At the least it has the added benefit of staving off his own arousal. That will make things last longer.

An idea occurs to Castiel suddenly and he praises himself on just how _devious_ it is. He tries to carry it out as quickly as he can. It’s a little difficult to switch to his messaging app without accidentally hanging up on Dean, but he manages it. As far as he can tell, Dean hasn’t questioned what he’s doing yet. He rushes through taking a selfie and sending it, not even bothering to check to see if it’s any good. His face feels like it’s burning, but he’s doing this for Dean _and_ for him.

When their call is interrupted by the blip that is Dean’s text tone, Castiel drops his fingers back to working at his chest for a minute. “You should check that, Dean.”

He takes a sharp breath and Castiel grins at it. He wait patiently through the dull taps as Dean switches to his messages to check. Though distances, Castiel can hear the sharp gasp and how Dean’s breathing changes as he sees the picture. It gets ragged and perfect. He starts sucking his fingers again, slow at first until he’s sure that Dean has the phone to his ear again and then he starts doing it louder, just for him, always just for _him_.

“Son of a bitch, Cas.” Dean exhales loudly before he starts talking again. “You _are_ trying to kill me.”

Castiel whimpers softly around his fingers. He’s not trying to do anything but stave off the growing need to come. But he _does_ like knowing that he has an effect on Dean without being in the same room as him. His hips rock slightly, trying to draw attention back to what his body _really_ wants. Castiel ignores it for now. He’s sure that Dean will direct him to start touching himself again soon.

Dean’s next breath is a long inhale before he lets it out slowly. “Put the phone down and get your pants off, Cas. And don’t stop sucking on your fingers.”

Is he serious? He’s going to have to take his pants off one handed to do that. It’s not going to be easy, but he hums in understanding; attempting it anyway. As predicted, it’s not easy and he has to almost fold himself in half to actually get it off from around his ankles, but he gets it done just as Dean asked.

As soon as he has the phone to his ear again, Dean hums. “Good job, Cas. Now spread your legs. Spread ‘em like you’ve only ever done for me, Cas.” There’s a short bit of silence before Dean quickly adds to his last thought. “You like spreading ‘em, don’t you?”

Honestly, Castiel doesn’t really care for it one way or another; though it is true that he has only spread them for Dean. Even alone in the bedroom, he feels ridiculously exposed as he spreads his legs, knees bent. He curls his toes in the sheets and waits for what he should do next. Castiel knows what he would _like_ , but he doesn’t want to overstep his boundaries in this game.

By a stroke of luck, he doesn’t have to wait for long. “Finger yourself, Cas.” Dean’s order comes on a whisper. Rough and rasping straight down Castiel’s spine to pulse hot through his cut. “Put those fucking fingers of yours to good use and get the lube if you need it.”

Well, that wasn’t exactly what he was expecting but it’s _definitely_ good enough. His fingers are wet enough to start with, but he’ll most likely need the lube in a few minutes. But he can’t wait for that and he wastes no time in lifting his hips from the bed. It’s easier to reach where he needs to when with his arm twisted under him and coming up from behind, though it may not be the most comfortable. The first finger is probing to see how loose he still is from his shower this morning; where he most definitely distracted himself from the cold shower by making sure he would be clean for anything that might happen today.

He’s able to get to two fingers rather quickly, and well before Dean’s next comment tickles his ear. “I want a picture of it, Cas.”

A haze has started to settle in Castiel’s mind and it takes him a minute to even find his tongue to answer him. “O-of what?”

Dean clears his throat and his voice gets that hard edge of authority to it again. “Your fingers, Cas. I want to see a picture of your fingers in your pretty pink hole.”

There are both very lucky that at roughly the same moment that Dean says that, Castiel also manages to rub the tip of a finger across his prostate. He groans at the sparks dancing up his spine, but he also groans at what Dean just said. Castiel knows that this is both a request and a command; but did Dean _have_ to put it like that? That’s the kind of dirty talk that makes him cringe a little on the inside. He’ll put up with it for him and he just won’t dwell on it.

This is most definitely the most embarrassing thing that he’s ever done, so Castiel does it as quickly as he can. He fumbles back over to the messages screen, snaps the picture, and sends it without actually looking at it. Of all the pictures he’s ever taken in his life, _this_ is the one he absolutely doesn’t want to see. Castiel is positive that he’ll never be able to live it down. Once the picture is sent, he quickly goes about deleting it. In fact, he goes back and deletes the one with his fingers in his mouth too, removing them from his pictures folder _and_ his messages. He’ll have to talk with Dean about deleting the ones from his phone later.

Dean is actually talking when Castiel puts the phone back to his ear. Hopefully he didn’t miss anything important. “– me, Cas. What are you thinking about?”

As if there’s any questions about that. “ _You_.” Castiel never thinks about anything else when he’s aroused, because nothing else arousing him quite like Dean does.

“G-good.” He clears his throat with a sharp cough. “Yeah, that’s – that’s good, Cas. Y’know, I didn’t tell you that you could put a second in.”

“You never –” Castiel whimpers as he slides a third finger in. “– never told me how many to put in to start with. And I – it’s three fingers now.” Unfortunately, three just doesn’t feel like enough. He wants more. In particular, he wants _Dean._

There’s a sharp intake of breath on the other side. “ _Jesus_ , Cas.” His voices gets muffled towards the end, overshadowed by the sound of him shifting around in the Impala. “So, you’re thinking about me, Cas? Are you thinking about me fucking you, or are you thinking about it being _my_ fingers stretching you open right now?”

Castiel bites his lip to muffle a moan. Those are all _very_ good thoughts and all of them are flickering through his mind. However, Dean forgot to mention something very important that Castiel often catches himself thinking about during times like this. “Your _tongue_.” What he’s thinking around now can really be summed up in one word. “You. Everything. Dean – I – I want –”

He arches his back so he can push his fingers deeper and rub firmly at his prostate. “ _Oh.”_ Things are coming to head quickly. The familiar heat is pulsing tight and hot in his gut and it’s a matter of minutes, possibly even _seconds_ , before he comes. He needs to end things soon.

“We’ve barely gotten started and you’re already come, aren’t you, Cas?” Dean’s voice is smoke and chocolate and sandpaper.

It strikes a chord deep within him and Castiel’s voice cracks in response, his hips rocking down on his fingers of their own accord. His body knows how close he is and it wants to come just as badly as he does. “I – I was – I’m – Dean, _please_.” He has no idea what he’s begging for, but whatever it is, he wants it badly. “I need –”

“I want to hear you come, Cas.”

That brings him back to reality rather sharply and Castiel pulls his fingers out. He curls them in his t-shirt to keep from touching himself again. “ _No_ , Dean.”

He hangs up in the middle of Dean’s complaint and throws his phone aside. That’s something he’s probably going to pay for later, but Castiel is far too close and far too desperate to come for him to be able to keep listening to Dean talk. His voice alone is enough to affect  him, and it’s all too real a possibility that Dean might be able to talk him into giving up on the edging.

With both his hands curled in his shirt, Castiel lays there and breathes hard for a few minutes. He takes several deep breaths; in through his mouth and slowly out through his nose. Castiel starts counting each breath, focusing on doing that until he reaches one hundred. It takes a long time, but when he reaches the end he decides now would be a good time to check the clock.

In the end, he wishes he hadn’t. He’s got roughly thirty minutes before he has to catch the bus, and he hasn’t had anything to eat for lunch yet. Isn’t that just _perfect_? As if having to take another cold shower wasn’t bad enough, now he’s on a very real time limit. With a groan, Castiel rolls out of bed and hobbles his way to the bathroom; trying his hardest to ignore his erection.

The shower this time is icy beyond reason and he spends his whole time in it cursing everything he can think of. By the end, he’s shivering violently but at least he’s no longer aroused. Edging is officially his least favourite sex thing ever and he is _never_ going to do this again. It will be a damn miracle if he somehow manages to make it all the way through to Friday.

He slaps together a sandwich while getting dressed; heading out the door while still eating. Even after his shower it feels like there are ants crawling under his skin. Castiel hates it, but he’s incredibly thankful that he has only _half_ a shift this afternoon. He’s covering for someone who has an afternoon appointment and they’ll be coming in to finish the rest of their shift later on. As far as he knows, he should be off work in the late afternoon. Even bussing home will get him back before Dean – probably.

Castiel’s promise to give Dean a blowjob in the parking garage is a weight on his shoulders. He’s honestly torn on whether or not he actually wants to fulfill that promise. It’ll cause all sorts of problems again, so he’ll just have to wait and see.

*

Dear God help him. He was already on the cusp of arousal when he was heading down to the car after Dean texted him; and then he was most _definitely_ hard while he was with Dean, kissing him, touching him, and that god damn _blow job_. It’s a little weird that he likes giving them so much, but they’re equally arousing to give as to get for him. Of course Dean had to make matters _worse_ by stopping him before they get out of the car; pulling him in for a long drawn out kiss.

Castiel does his best to keep their bodies apart while they’re making out, but it’s so _hard_ when every fiber of his being wants to press up again Dean and rut against him. He puts up with that craving until they’re out of the backseat of the Impala; ready and waiting to bolt for the elevators. What Castiel needs right now is to put some distance between them before he loses all manner of self-control and just gives in. Unfortunately, Dean doesn’t let him get very far.

The moment the car door closes behind them, Dean grabs Castiel’s arm and pulls him back. In an instant he finds himself up against the side of the car; their bodies pressed together from shoulders to hips and Dean’s lips on his. It feels _amazing_ and Castiel can’t stop from moaning loudly. Hopefully there’s no one else down here to hear him. He grabs Dean’s hips, pulling him tighter against him so he can rock against that truly _superb_ friction.

No, no, _no_. Castiel needs to stop and he needs to stop now. It’s the absolute last thing he wants to do, but he pushes Dean away with a sharp shove. He staggers back, arms out to keep from falling over. Dean looks like Castiel slapped him in the face instead. The guilt is like a punch to the gut and he wants to reach out and comfort him, but any more contact between them will absolutely break down the last crumbling remains of his will.

“I – I’m sorry.” He shakes his head and steps around Dean. “I need – I have studying to do.” That’s what he was doing before Dean came home and focusing on that is going to be his best defense against the erection demanding his attention right now.

Before Dean can answer him, Castiel makes a quick dash towards the elevators. He bypasses those and ducks into the stairwell to take the stairs two at a time. It’s not preferred, but it’s better than risking getting trapped in an elevator with Dean where he can be questioned or kissed again. He’s not sure which one is the worse option right there.

Castiel gets back to the apartment before Dean, but he has not time to shower. He’s already had _two_ cold showers today, and he would _really_ like to not take another one today. That’s why he sits down at the kitchen table and quickly pulls his t-shirt down over his lap. His textbook is still open to where it was when he received Dean’s text and Castiel returns to it like he never left. There are notes to copy and highlight and colour code; all manner of things to distract from the rush of adrenaline pounding through his veins at the moment.

It’s going to be difficult, but his plan this time is to try and _will_ away the boner by studying. Hopefully committing the history of the development of the camera to memory will work. By the time Dean makes it to the apartment, Castiel is fairly sure it’s not going to work. His eyes are having a _lot_ of trouble focusing on the words on the page, and it doesn’t help when he tries with his laptop either. One of his legs starts bouncing violently, trying to burn off excess energy and distract from his very persistent and very demanding erection.

Dean doesn’t say a word when he enters the apartment. Castiel can feel him staring at the back of his head, but he does his best to look like he’s too busy to be bothered right now. It must work, because Dean kicks off his shoes and bypasses him to go straight for his bedroom. He doesn’t hear a door close, but he doesn’t appear to be coming out anytime soon. This isn’t exactly how he wants to spend an evening alone for dinner, but at least it will cause less distractions and Castiel won’t be distracted by focusing on him being nearby.

Time slows to a crawl and it feels like forever before Dean comes out to start making supper. It’s nothing big, just a frozen pizza that he pops in the oven. While it’s cooking, he disappears to his bedroom again. On the bright side, Castiel’s erection is more or less gone by the time Dean places a plate with a slice of pizza on it at his elbow. He feels _extremely_ uncomfortable in his skin, but at least the pressure in his gut has more or less gone away.

He takes a break from studying to eat his pizza and check his secondary e-mail account. There’s nothing much there besides notifications from some of the message boards he’s a member on where he can ask all the questions he needs to ask regarding the things he wants to do with Dean.

Castiel hums and eats distractedly, reading the new posts on the forums and trying _really_ hard not to wonder how Dean is doing. It doesn’t work very well. The moment he thinks of him eating, he also wonders if he took a napkin to his bedroom. Without a napkin, Dean is going to have to lick pizza sauce from his fingers and – Oh, shit. Castiel groans and looks down at his lap. Really? Does it _really_ take that little to get him aroused? He’s getting hard again and this is just _ridiculous_.

After another slice of pizza – which does nothing to distract him – he goes back to studying. Hopefully just _thinking_ about Dean isn’t going to cause this every time tonight, tomorrow, or Friday. That would _really_ suck and he most definitely won’t be able to last until the end of the week.

*

When it gets late, Castiel decides to shut down and call it a day. He heads to the bathroom to wash up and brush his teeth, and it’s mid-brushing when things take another turn for the worse. In the middle of his brushing, a thought occurs that perhaps tonight he might be allowed to share Dean’s bed tonight. How great would that be? He could be the big spoon or the little spoon and they could actually _cuddle_ each other to sleep. That would be amazing!

Of course, there’s the possibility that Dean might sleep in just his underwear, or – God forbid – _naked_. And just like that, he starts getting hard again. Castiel hangs his head back and grumbles around his toothbrush. This is getting stupid. Even as a hormonal teenager, he was never this much of a hair trigger. With a sigh, he closes the bathroom door and starts undressing; pausing only to finish brushing his teeth. The only way he’s going to be able to get any sleep tonight without this bothering him is with another Godforsaken frozen shower pumped straight from the ninth level of Hell.

As is the way of today, this shower is twice as long as it likely needs to be. Castiel stays in there more out of determinedness than anything else. He wants to make absolute _sure_ that his erection won’t come back at all tonight. If it does, then he’s just done. _Done_. He’ll just give up right then and there and hope to God that Dean will do something about it.

His pajamas are bee themed tonight and they’re not exactly the warmest when he puts them on after his shower. They’re better than nothing and he tries not to show that he’s absolutely _freezing_ when he comes out of the bathroom. Dean ducks in there almost immediately, barely even giving Castiel a glance. It’s starting to feel like he most definitely isn’t going to ask to share a bed tonight and that’s more than a little disappointment. On the other hand, at least that doesn’t mean that he can’t ask for a goodnight kiss before hand.

While Dean is in the bathroom, Castiel takes up residence waiting to the side of his bedroom door. He fidgets with the hem of his shirt; twisting it between his fingers. What if Dean is too mad at him for a goodnight kiss? It’s more than a little obvious that he’s not exactly in the best of moods right now. Of course he would be. Castiel has been, essentially, ignoring him all evening and Dean has hardly left his bedroom since he got home.

The longer Dean takes in the bathroom, the more nervous he gets. He chews his bottom lip and waits. His nerves double almost instantly the moment Dean steps into the hall, glances at him, and smiles. Why is he smiling? Is it the pajamas? Dean has teased him often about his pajamas, but that will never stop Castiel from wearing them. Is that a teasing smile? Regardless of what it may be, Castiel tilts his chin down and looks up at Dean with a pout.

“Waiting for something?” Dean raise an eyebrow as he comes down the hall, even going so far as to look Castiel over from head to toe.

That look sends a shiver down Castiel’s spine and it bolsters his courage. He reaches out to grab a handful of Dean’s old Metallica t-shirt. Dean grabs his hand before he can get a good grip; pulling it free and yanking Castiel forward a few steps. The goodnight kiss is soft and sweet and everything that he wanted. He hums his delight with it and leans into the kiss, stealing just a bit more time with it.

“Thank you, Dean.” Castiel squeezes his hand as he steps back, lingering just a bit in hopes of getting that invitation to share a bed; his smile hopeful.

Sadly, the invitation doesn’t come. Dean only murmurs a quiet goodnight as Castiel slowly makes his way to his bed, hoping to be called back. Unfortunately, Dean ducks into his bedroom and closes the door without another word. With a sigh, Castiel slips into bed and turns on his side, facing the wall. He’s disappointed, certainly, but it’s rather expected given how their evening went.

Maybe it’s because he’s still cold right down to his bones, but sleep finds Castiel sooner than expected. It’s helped by his slow count of mental sheep, doing his best to get to sleep as quickly as possible. If he’s sleeping, then there’s less of a chance of accidentally getting aroused again. Though, to be honest, it’ll be a miracle if that ever happens. Castiel is almost positive that his genitals are never going to work properly again after the number of cold showers he’s had recently.

It feels like he only just fell asleep when he wakes up again with a start, snorting in surprise as his snore is interrupted. The bed is dipping behind him and there’s cool air against his back. Someone has lifted the blanket. Unless a murderer has broken in, Castiel can only think of one person who would try and sneak into his bed in the middle of the night. His brain feels heavy and he’s too warm and comfortable to care too much if it isn’t Dean.

With a yawn, Castiel wiggles forward towards the wall and widening the gap between him and the edge of the bed. This single bed will make things a little cramped, but he’s willing to make that sacrifice if Dean wants to sleep with him tonight. The mattress creaks as Dean slides under the blanket and makes himself comfortable. Castiel hasn’t even bothered opening his eyes and he blindly searches behind him for Dean’s hand. The moment he locates it, he draws Dean’s arm around his waist to pull him right up against his back. He sighs happily and links their fingers as he leans into him, already starting to slip away into sleep again.

Some of the last things Castiel registers are soft kisses along the back of his neck. Hot breath washes over his ear and he hums happily. That’s the last he remembers until he wakes up in the morning, well before his alarm clock is supposed to go off. It takes him a few moments to realize why he woke up. First and foremost, he’s pretty sure that it’s because of how damn _warm_ he feels right now. It feels like he has his back right against a space heater.

As carefully as he can, Castiel rolls over and he’s only mildly surprised to find Dean sleeping comfortably in his bed. It takes another few moments for him to remember when Dean snuck in last night and he props himself up on his arm to look down at him, marveling in how that apparently _wasn’t_ a dream. Just to be sure, Castiel pinches himself on the thigh and winces. Oh yes, this is most _definitely_ reality.

With a happy hum, Castiel carefully lies down again and gently lays a hand over Dean’s heart. The beat is slow and steady; a good match for the rise and fall of Dean’s breaths. Castiel honestly has no idea what time it is, but his alarm hasn’t rung yet so he’s plenty happy to just stay here and watch Dean until it’s time to get up. Why would he ever want to move anyways? He’s resting on Dean’s arm and this is basically what dreams are made of.

It’s only a few minutes between when he wakes and when Dean does. Castiel knows the moment he’s awake purely by how his face scrunches up slightly and the cadence of his breathing changes. Now that he’s awake, there’s really nothing stopping Castiel from leaning over and kissing him, is there? He pushes himself up again and slides his hand up from Dean’s chest to his jaw, tracing the stubbled edge of it. With a groan, Dean arches his back in a stretch and tilts his face to press into Castiel’s hand.

A smile spreads warm across Castiel’s lips as Dean opens his eyes slowly into nothing more than a squint. An answering smile tilts the corners of his mouth and Castiel has to fight the urge to lean in and kiss it. “Good morning, Dean. Did you sleep well?”

He hums a soft sound and rolls with another stretch. “Mornin’ Cas.”

Without prompting, Dean leans in for a good morning kiss. If anything, it’s even better than their last kiss from the night before and Castiel leans into it, cherishing the moment. The morning is perfect and his body seems to agree. A stirring heat in his gut starts to build, happening so slowly that he doesn’t even notice it at first. This world seems so warm and dreamlike that Castiel throws his convictions out the window. Edging be damned. If he’s going to get aroused by having Dean in his bed kissing him, then he’ll give into it and see where it goes.

Castiel rolls into Dean’s side fully, bringing his hand down to stroke his stomach softly. He’s still wearing his Metallica shirt, and maybe that’s why it was so hot this morning. They’re both fully dressed under one blanket in a tight space. Heat is going to build up no matter what. Next time – and there _will_ be a next time – he’ll have to make sure that they’re both wearing _far_ less clothing.

By the time he slides a hand over Dean’s hip so he can rock against him, Castiel has an erection. The friction is absolutely _delicious_ and he quietly groans into the kiss. Even if Dean doesn’t get aroused or participate, as long as he allows Castiel to move against him like this, then everything will be fine. Any worry he has about that proves to be completely pointless. In a matter of moments, Dean breaks the kiss to rolls over on top of him. They quickly rearrange themselves to the center of the bed; throwing the blanket out of the way. Castiel makes room for Dean between his legs, spreading them so he can lay more comfortably on top of him.

Their kisses are still slow and soft as Dean seeks out his hands. He links their fingers together and Castiel squeezes them in response. One of his most favourite sensations in likely the history of forever is holding hands with Dean. If he could do this and only this for the rest of his life, he could die happy. Castiel doesn’t even mind that Dean uses the grip on his hands to pin them to the pillow beside his head. If anything, he’s very pleased by this turn of events.

Everything is going _great_ until Dean pulls away and drops a bomb on Castiel’s brain. “You still edging, Cas? Or are you actually going to let me get you off today?”

The only response he can manage is to open his mouth and squeak. How did he _know_? Castiel was being so sneaky! It must have been last night. It has to have been when he went straight to studying after their escapades they had in the Impala. But that doesn’t mean that he’s happy to have been caught out. Edging was supposed to be a _surprise_.

“Wondering how I managed to figure that out?” Dean raises himself up on his knees as Castiel nods because yes, yes he does want to know what ruined his plans. “Yeah, it’s not that hard to deduce, Mr. _Studies-With-A-Boner_.”

“I – I was –” How is he supposed to explain the myriad of reasons why he wanted to do this? For starters, he just wanted to see if he _could_ do it; then he wanted to do it to keep Dean interested in their relationship, and also to build up for the grand finale that will be that special dildo he bought.

All the reasons try to get out at the same time and they make Castiel trip over his words. “I was going to try and – and hold out for as long as I could. I mean – I –”

Dean interrupts before he can get any further, and he does it in the best way possible. He angles his hips and rocks them hard, grinding against Castiel’s erection and sending stars to dance across his vision. “See, you say that and now all I want to do is make it even harder for you.”

“It’s _already_ very difficult.” Castiel chokes on his words, groaning around them as he arches into the motion of Dean’s hips. But then they’re gone again, lifted to where he can’t reach them without the leverage he can’t get in this position. He squirms, craving that friction again. “I was aroused _more_ than just the two times yesterday. And having _you_ around hardly helps.”

He’s an aphrodisiac and Castiel can’t get enough of him. Which is why he both loves and hates that Dean drops his hips again to rock against him; his mouth dropping to kiss the side of his throat. Castiel can’t bite back the sound that combination draws out of him and he strains against the grip Dean has on his hands. All he wants to do now is wrap Dean in his arms and pull him down against him fully. Full body contact is just about the only thing that will calm the storm building in his skin.

This is it. He can’t do it anymore. “I’m done.”

“Hm?” Dean lifts his head into view again; quirking an eyebrow as he tilts his head to the side.

“The edging.” Castiel hisses and twists his wrist, pulling at them to try and his hands free. “I’m _done_. How much time do you have until –” A smile spreads quick across Dean’s lips and it is _not_ a nice one. “Why are you smiling like that?”

Humming, Dean draws away again. “How about one more day, Cas? I work in a few hours and you’re going to be gone until this evening. I can get you all riled up now, do it again later, and maybe even while I’m at work too.” He lets go of Castiel’s hands. “How’s that sound?”

It sounds fucking terrible. “ _No_.” He shakes his head and reaches for Dean, fingers itching to curl in his shirt and pull him down again. “I don’t want to wait anymore. Dean, I –”

He falls silent as Dean slaps his hands away. “Yeah, but here’s the thing, Cas.” Dean drops his hands to slide his fingers up under Castiel’s shirt, slowly pushing it up. “Did you notice _at all_ that I’ve been less than happy the last few days?”

“What?”

It’s like he was just suddenly thrust under another icy shower and it leaves him feeling dizzy. Castiel figured that Dean wasn’t entirely happy yesterday evening, but not the last few _days_. How could he have missed that? Wasn’t Dean happy the day before? Dear God, he made Dean upset for _days_. That’s the last thing he ever wanted to do.

 “Try putting yourself in my shoes.” Dean shrugs and sweeps his thumbs over the skin he exposes across Castiel’s chest. “You like giving your partner pleasure, right? You have _a lot_ of f un seeing them enjoy themselves with you. Now, imagine your partner suggests sex but with the twist that they don’t want to touch you.”

He raises his eyebrows and Castiel tilts his chin in a short nod, urging him to continue. He wants to understand what he did that upset Dean for _days_. Satisfied, Dean continues. “That’s all fine and good, considering that was a shot at voyeurism and it went great – up until the point where your partner disappears to the bathroom where you think they finished up _without you_. Disappointing, but at least they come right back to kiss you stupid. We keeping up so far?”

Again, Castiel nods; but he’s fairly certain that he understands where this is going. His actions over the last few days were all in the interest of surprising Dean, yet all he did was hurt him. If he was in Dean’s position, Castiel would have been doubting their relationship. He would’ve be wracked with the anxiety that Dean wasn’t attracted to him anymore.

“Good.” Dean confirms his suspicions after he pulls Castiel’s shirt off. “Now, how about we skip ahead to the next item of business where your partner calls you at work and they want to try phone sex. But, again, you don’t get to be a part of seeing or hearing them come; which, to you, is probably one of the best parts of having sex. Then you come home and they give you a stellar blowjob that really obviously worked them up too, but then they _run away_ and don’t say a single damn thing about why.”

He takes his shirt off too and throws out of sight. “How would that make you feel if your partner suddenly stopped explaining anything to you, Cas?” Dean leans over him, staring Castiel down. “Would you be confused? Hurt? Angry? Would you start to think that maybe your partner doesn’t want you to touch them anymore?”

No, no, no, _no_. That is the last thing Castiel ever wanted to make him feel and he reaches up to pull Dean down into a tight hug. “I’m sorry. I never meant – that wasn’t my intention _at all_.” He presses a kiss to Dean’s temple, then his cheek. “I’m sorry – I was just trying to surprise you with this and the toys I bought from Benny, and I never thought that you would feel like – I’m _sorry_ , Dean.” He can never apologize enough.

Of course there’s no way it’ll make up for it, but Castiel covers Dean’s face in kisses, murmuring apologies all the while. They’re just words and he’ll never be able to go back in time to change his actions so Dean will never feel like that in the first place, but he truly is sincere. Castiel messed up and he messed up _big time_. Now all he wants to do is make things right again, if he can.

“I’ll never do that again.” He breathes between the kisses. “No more surprises. I promise.”

“Surprises are fine, Cas.” Dean hums as he extracts himself from his grip. He sits back again and takes the time to run his hands up and down over Castiel’s chest. “You can keep the toy a secret, but when you’re going to do something like _edging_ , you gotta tell me. Remember we were going to _talk_ about things? We don’t want to end up doing anything that the other doesn’t like, right?”

Yes, that does ring a bell. But when Castiel opens his mouth to answer, Dean chooses then to tweak one of his nipples. It’s a bolt of electricity through his body and he has to swallow back a nose of surprise as he arches into the touch.

It takes him a moment to gather his wits again. “I – I won’t do it again. I – you look cute when you’re frustrated, b-but I won’t – I know –” Those aren’t excuses for what he did, but it’s getting very hard to keep track of his thoughts when Dean is using both thumbs to massage his nipples in tandem, rubbing them in tight circles. “Oh, _keep doing that_.”

“I know you get it now, Cas, but you also get that I have to punish you for all of that, right?” A slow grin spreads and Dean pinches again. “Which is why you can come _tomorrow_. I’ll make you come in the morning – multiple times, if we can manage it, since I’ve got the day off and Sam won’t be back until the afternoon. How does that sound?”

“Y- _yes_.” That sounds absolutely amazing. Well, except for that part where he doesn’t get to come today. Castiel would _really_ like to come today.

“But you have class today, don’t you, Cas?” Dean leans down to circle his tongue over one of Castiel’s nipples, teasing it lightly. “How hard is it going to be if you keep edging for the rest of today?”

Oh God, he hadn’t considered that. Castiel groans and rocks his hips futilely. He doesn’t want to think about what today is going to be like. It’s going to be downright _terrible_. Impossible. He can’t do it. He doesn’t want to do it. He – _Oh God_. Dean is lying down again and Castiel grabs his hips to keep him from moving. That hold doesn’t give him enough leverage and he moves his hands to Dean’s ass, pulling him close so he can rock against him _just right_.

“C’mon, Cas.” Dean presses a kiss to the corner of his lips. “Use your words.”

“I _hate_ this.” Castiel hisses between his teeth. He’s feeling lightheaded and desperate and he just wants this to be over with, no matter the plans. “I want to – Dean, I want you to _fuck me_.” He’d even be perfectly alright with being fucked on his stomach, which normally isn’t one of his favourite positions. Just as long as he gets to come today.

Dean shakes his head and drops another kiss to the other corner of his mouth. “Tomorrow morning.”

No, that’s too far away. “Dean, _please_ –”

“ _Tomorrow_.” He sighs and reaches back to pry Castiel’s hands away.

A small whine rumbles in his throat as Dean pins his hands to the pillows again. He’d complain further, but Dean rolls his hips in a sharp thrust. It’s perfection and Castiel hooks his feet over the back of Dean’s legs, trying his hardest to meet ever motion of his hips. It feels _so good_ and it’s getting the job done. Castiel is careening towards the brink far faster than he ever has before and he is _so ready_.

The worst possible thing that could happen right now is that Dean pulls away from him again, and _of course_ that’s what happens. He gets back up on his knees and grabs Castiel’s hips to keep keep them from moving. “Just one more day, Cas.”

“This isn’t _fair_.” He groans and reaches down to try and push Dean’s hands away. “You get to come whenever you want and I haven’t in _days_.” At this point, he actually misses the days when he didn’t know just how good an orgasm felt, or how _amazing_ it was to have that happen at the hands of someone you care about.

Dean shrugs and leans down to press a kiss to the center of Castiel’s stomach. “Yeah, well, you’re the one who thought this up in the first place. It’s because you’re saving what you bought for the day you’re ready to come, right?”

This is torture. He was _so close_. As much as he hates it, Dean is right. Castiel should keep to his plans, but he doesn’t have to like it. “Yes, but don’t ask what it is. If I don’t get to come, _you_ don’t get to know.” That sounds fair to him.

“If you _really_ want to stop edging right now, tell it to me truthfully.” Dean raises an eyebrow almost like a challenge and cups Castiel’s erection through his pajama pants. “Otherwise, we’ll wait for tomorrow.”

Oh that is so very, very, _very_ tempting. Castiel wants nothing more than to rock up into that hand and bring everything to an end now, but he shouldn’t. He made a commitment to edging and he should stick with it; and he won’t deny that it helps to see how much Dean apparently wants him to do it too. In all honesty, Castiel really should have brought him in on this from the very beginning.

Although it almost kills him, Castiel forces him body not to push into Dean’s hand. “I – We’ll wait until tomorrow.” He takes a deep breath and glares hard at the ceiling. “I can do this. One more day.”

“Good. I’m proud of you.” Dean smiles and drops another kiss, this time on mark. “But I have one more question. If you don’t get to come right now, does that mean _I_ don’t get to either?”

Oh he can _not_ be serious right now. Castiel turns his glare on Dean and briefly envisions what it would be like to just throw him off the bed and go take a cold shower on his own. Dean sits back and holds up his hands, eyes wide with innocence. He’s likely just teasing, but Castiel can see the front of his boxers from here and he _is_ at least slightly hard right now. Fine, fine. He’ll do it. He does have to make the last few days up to Dean after all.

With a sigh, Castiel reaches down to palm Dean’s growing erection. He props himself up on one elbow and starts rubbing just how he knows he likes it. “What do you want me to do, Dean?”

“What’ll work you up the most?” Dean hums a teasing note and grins at Castiel’s glare. “Joking, Cas! I’m joking! You can just use your hand. I’m fine with that. I can even finish in the shower if this is going to be too mean for you.”

It is _very_ mean, but he deserves it. The teasing, however, is going to end here. Castiel makes his point by squeezing Dean’s erection in warning before backing off. “Get on your side. Facing away from me.”

They waste no time getting into position, Dean now being the one to face the wall. Castiel tucks himself against Dean’s back. It’s going to be very difficult not to rub himself on his ass, but he’ll manage somehow. His focus right now is getting Dean off and he’s _always_ been able to discard his own needs when it comes to this. He can’t remember the last time Dean was still wearing underwear while they were getting off together, but Castiel still gets a thrill when he slips a hand into the front of his boxers.

While he puts one hand to work at a good speed, he gets the other under and around Dean so he can tease his chest. His mouth gets to work on Dean’s shoulders, and he’s none too gentle about it. His bites aren’t hard enough to leave a lasting mark or even break the skin, but they do make him jump and gasp every time. Castiel even goes so far as sucking a few red spots across his shoulders as retribution for all the teasing. Since he doesn’t get any complaint about it, he figures it must be alright.

Dean shivers against him violently as he comes, and _oh_ what Castiel wouldn’t give to be able to do that too. He rests his forehead against the back of Dean’s neck with a sigh and cleans his hand on Dean’s underwear. Now he has to do the one of the few things in the world that he absolutely _does not want_.

“I don’t want to take another cold shower today.”

“You could shower with me.” With a groan, Dean stretches out and twists to look at Castiel over his shoulder. His eyebrows are raised with a suggestive grin.

Castiel shakes his head with a soft laugh. “That is the exact _opposite_ of what I should do right now.” And here he was thinking there would never be a day where he declined showering with Dean.

“What if we don’t touch your cock while we clean up?”

Oh yes, like either of them would be able to keep themselves from doing that. Castiel can already imagine what it would be like and his hips rock in anticipation. He groans and forces them to go still again. “Having you touch me while we’re both naked would completely defeat the purpose of this.” With some difficulty, he forces himself to roll onto his back and break away from Dean. “You should – you should go get ready for work now. We still need to make breakfast.”

There’s still a few hours between now and when Dean needs to leave, but it’s going to take a long time for this to go away and Castiel needs every moment to get himself under control. He’s going to have to be very careful with his outfit choice for today. If his pants are too tight, the normal friction might be too much for him to handle. But if they’re too loose, they’ll easily show off any semi-erection he might get from – well, from basically anything. At this point, he wouldn’t be surprised if a stiff breeze would be enough to get him aroused during the day.

Dean rolls over too, pressing into Castiel’s side and drawing him into another kiss, and then another. It just so nice to make out with him and he puts up with it for as long as he thinks he can. When the urge to crawl on top of Dean and rub against him gets too strong, Castiel pushes him away and puts space between them. He’s teetering dangerously on the edge of the bed and it’s only Dean’s leg hooked over top of his that keeps him from tumbling to the floor. Actually, falling might help his situation. A little bump on the head could be just what he needs to distract from the pressing need for an orgasm.

“You’re making this _harder_.” He hisses and curls in on himself slightly. Even he can see the joke he just left wide open and he puts a hand over Dean’s mouth to keep him from saying it. “You know what I mean. Now you go take a shower first before I change my mind and actually handcuff you to my bed.” Which would be quite the feat considering the only handcuffs they have at their disposal are rope ones.

“Fine, fine.” Dean muffles a sigh against Castiel’s hand and sits up. He slips off the end of the bed and stretches his arms above his head as he stands; already starting towards the bathroom, though he doesn’t get far. “Oh, by the way, Cas? We’re sleeping in _my_ bed tonight.”

That makes Castiel come to a full stop as he’s sitting up. If he wasn’t already red faced before, then he most certainly is now. He can feel the flush burn in his cheeks. A smile spreads unbidden and the only word he can manage is one; “Okay.”

“Good.” Dean nods and turns away. “Oh, and you’re sleeping naked – or in your boxers. You’re like a fucking furnace when you sleep.”

Now that’s something Castiel could debate. From his perspective and the evidence gathered earlier, _Dean_ is the one that makes it feel like he was sharing a bed with the sun. He’s too exhausted to fight about that, so he laughs and drops down again. “Yes, Dean. Tonight I’ll sleep naked in – in your bed.”

That’s basically exactly what Castiel wanted anyways. Even though he still has an erection that he needs to make go away, this is morning is already starting to look up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:   
> \- phone sex/sexting (sorta probably not really idk)  
> \- dirty talk  
> \- masturbation  
> \- hand jobs


	40. Chapter 40

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel snorts and shakes his head. “No, I don’t think so. That’s quite enough information for you.”
> 
> “What tier of friendship do I have to be at to get that information?”
> 
> That’s a very good question and he spends a few moments thinking about it. “At least a six.”
> 
> Balthazar’s frown deepens and he crosses his arms. “And what am I now?”
> 
> “A three.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings at the bottom of the chapter**
> 
> This chapter takes place between, during, and after [Chapter 21](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/5585903) and [Chapter 22](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/5658128)of the _A Little Patience_ story line.

In hindsight, Castiel really, _really_ should have taken the day off from classes. This is far too distracting for him to actually learn anything. If he even _moves_ wrong, his body starts to react and it’s extremely uncomfortable to have that happen while he’s in class. To save himself from anything particularly embarrassing, he’s been forced to think some truly terrible things; things that might very well _scar_ him for the rest of his life.

At first just thinking about his father and every nun or priest he’s ever known staring him down while shaking their heads worked, but only for a while. By mid-day, Castiel needs something stronger and far less arousing. For that, he turns to his mother. God forgive him, but he’s forced to imagine her in a revealing bathing suit to utterly kill his libido for a decent amount of time. She may be an attractive woman, but she’s his _mother_ and picturing her like that is almost as effective as a cold shower. It gets the job done and keeps him from having an embarrassing moment every time his pants rub against sensitive areas whenever he stands up or sits down.

That’s exactly the strategy he uses so he doesn’t spend his lunch hour in the quad with a book in his lap. His lunch hour is nothing more than a sixty minute break between two classes and Castiel has taken to sitting in a corner of the quad under a tree with Balthazar and a few of his friends. He doesn’t know them too well, but they share a few classes and they seem like nice enough people. Unfortunately for them, today is one of those days where Castiel just isn’t able to make decent conversation. They don’t seem to mind too much, as they’re mostly preoccupied with each other.

At one such point, he takes a chance to send Dean a message to keep him up to date on how today is going. He’s not on lunch, so he’s not likely to respond, but that doesn’t matter. **_This is unbearable._**

To his surprise, Dean answers almost immediately. **_Poor thing._**

Castiel grits his teeth and glares at his phone. **_Next time YOU can be the one to edge._** He knows that he doesn’t exactly deserve any of Dean’s pity, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t like _some_ sympathy for the trials and tribulations he’s going through. Especially when he started this edging to make things interesting _for_ Dean.

A laughing emoji pops up before Dean’s next message. **_Been there, done that._**

That message was likely intended in jest, but all it does is put thoughts in Castiel head. _Bad_ thoughts that he really shouldn’t be having given how today seems to be going. Immediately, he regrets his decision to text Dean. This was a terrible idea. He should have known better than to text to the object of his affection and attraction; especially when he’s on a hair trigger. This is a bad thing. A _very_ bad thing.

 ** _I’m going to get you back for this._** While it might technically be his fault, Castiel feels slightly better when he puts the blame on Dean. Though really since he’s doing this _for_ him, it could be argued that this really is Dean’s fault.

Maybe he understands that, because Dean doesn’t answer that message for a long while. Although that’s understandable, since he is most likely working on a car at the moment. That’s a vaguely good thing, if only because that’s when Balthazar turns his attention to him.

“Castiel! You’re awfully quiet today.” He scoots over so he’s sitting closer and leans in as if to look at his phone. “Everything going okay there?”

“Everything is fine.” Castiel tucks his phone away and picks up his near forgotten sandwich. “I’m just dealing with a few things.”

Balthazar tilts his head and nudges him with his elbow. “Things like what? Something going on back on the home front?”

He considers giving a completely vague answer, but there’s really no point to that. “Yes, but it’s nothing bad. There are just some _interesting_ things going on this weekend with my partner.”

With no names, he can’t be accused of telling someone that he’s in a sexual agreement with Dean. And that should be just vague enough that Balthazar will have no idea that he’s talking about a purely sexual relationship, let alone the gender of his partner or how things will be getting _interesting_. Castiel is absolutely not going to give any further hints than that.

“Hold on.” Balthazar holds up a hand and lowers his head for a moment. He looks up again with his eyebrows pinched together. “You have a _partner_? Why am I only hearing about this now? Tell me all about them!”

Castiel snorts and shakes his head. “No, I don’t think so. That’s quite enough information for you.”

“What tier of friendship do I have to be at to get that information?”

That’s a very good question and he spends a few moments thinking about it. “At least a six.”

Balthazar’s frown deepens and he crosses his arms. “And what am I now?”

“A three.”

He gasps and places a hand on his chest. “I’m _wounded_.” His friends laugh and Balthazar shoots them all a dirty glare before turning back to Castiel. “How do I raise my friendship level? I _need_ to know all about this mythical partner of yours!”

Castiel raises an eyebrow and takes a slow bite of his sandwich. “And why is it any concern of yours?”

“I’m a nosy busybody and I hate secrets.” Balthazar puffs out his chest like he’s actually proud of himself. “You might not tell me now, but I _will_ find out.”

“Good luck.” He merely hums and returns to eating his sandwich, pleased with how the conversation distracted from his situation at least for a little while.

By the time Dean does text back, Castiel is already in his next class. The instructor is in the middle of explaining their assignment for the day and it’s really not working in Castiel’s favour. Apparently today they’re going to be going out to explore the univeristy grounds like they did during their first few classes to take more pictures. If the students have been paying attention and doing the assignments and studying, then there should be an improvement between today’s pictures and the ones they took at the beginning of the semester. It’s been about a month, so there should be _some_ improvement in composition, editing, and lighting depending on their subjects.

Normally Castiel would be delighted to have a class where he can walk around and stretch his legs. Today, is not one of those days. Walking only exacerbates his problems. He had been looking forward to just _sitting_ and not having to move for the next little bit, but he can’t just skip this class. Especially since he’s planning on skipping his required humanities that he has tomorrow afternoon. Castiel is certain that he will be in no shape to attend classes tomorrow.

His phone vibrates as the class is filing out of the classroom. With Balthazar at his elbow, Castiel most definitely does _not_ want to check this message where he can easily look over his shoulder. He quickly excuses himself to the bathroom and takes off before Balthazar can ask any questions. And it is a _very_ good thing that he made this choice because Castiel has to bite his knuckles to keep from making a noise in the stall where he took refuge.

The text from Dean is downright _inappropriate_ and Balthazar would have had an absolute field day with it. Just looking at it is making it hard for him to breathe and his body starts reacting almost immediately. He’s become conditioned to becoming aroused whenever he sees him in a state of undress. In this particular case, Dean has the bottom of his shirt pulled up and caught between his teeth. It’s showing off the toned muscles of his chest and stomach. His eyes have that _look_ to them that he always gets whenever he wants to push Castiel down on the nearest surface and _do_ things to him that make his toes curl. Castiel has to bite back a whimper; lost in the heat of those eyes.

It takes him too long to realize just how much his body is reacting. By then, it’s too late. No amount of parental figures in bathing suits or disapproving members of the clergy can save him now. This is the _worst_. There is no way Castiel can return to class with an erection making an obvious line in his jeans.

 ** _I hate you._** He takes a few tries to send the message as his hands start to shake.

Dean responds right away with a smirking emoji. **_Is that I request I see on my screen? U asking Dean send me a pic of ur dick?_**

Oh dear God _no_. There would be no way for him to come back from that. Castiel would have to go home the moment he got that picture. **_You will pay for this, Winchester._**

 ** _Bring it, Collins._** He ends their little conversation with a laughing emoji and Castiel has never hated an emoji as much as he does this one.

 

Little does Dean know, but Castiel is extremely experienced with the game of sweet vengeance. He _is_ related to Gabriel, after all. Some day, some how, he _will_ get back at Dean for this. Eventually. Just as soon as he figures out how in the world he’s going to deal with the growing problem in his pants. If this was any other time, he would just masturbate in the bathroom and try really hard to be quiet about it – not that he’s ever done that before. Regardless, he can’t do that now.

There is the possibility that he could take a cold shower. The gym is just on the other side of the quad and there are showers in there. It sounds like the most viable solution right now, except for the fact that his entire class is out there. He would have to risk being seen with an erection if he tried to take the long way. If he takes the short way, he’ll most definitely be seen by his class and someone is liable to suspect something is wrong if he goes to the shower without using the gym. Not to mention that he would end up skipping class and he does _not_ want to do that.

Castiel is far too paranoid for that option and the edging prevents him from dealing with this in a hands on manner. The only thing left to him is to try and find some way to hide it. For that, he turns to his phone and the trusty internet again. There are many ideas, but only one is actually feasible for him right now. It doesn’t sound very comfortable, but he doesn’t have any other choice.

With no small amount of chagrin, Castiel use his _belt_ to pin his erection to his stomach. It leaves a less obvious line in his jeans and he combats that by pulling his shirt out of his pants and letting it hang out from the bottom of his sweater. He honestly doesn’t like this style because it’s not clean cut like he’s used to being, but it saves him some embarrassment and hides what needs to be hidden. On the other hand, it does nothing to help him with his predicament and he’s going to have to try _very_ hard not to walk around like he has an erection.

Now the only problem he’s going to have is someone commenting on his change of style. Balthazar will likely notice and Castiel combats that my splashing some water on his sweater before he leaves the bathroom. He’ll just lie and say that he got water on the front of his jeans and it doesn’t look very good. Hopefully Balthazar will never notice that he doesn’t tuck his shirt again later – unless his erection goes away early enough for him to fix it.

Until then, Castiel is going to have to be very careful with how he walks. Hopefully this will go away soon, because he has classes right through until early evening. Such to the point that he actually saved part of his lunch so he won’t be ravenous by the time he gets home. If he’s stuck with this until then, he might very well murder Dean the moment he walks through the door.

*

His murderous feelings are more or less in check by the time classes are over and he busses home. It took well over an hour for his erection to go away on its own and he is _not_ happy. Tensions are boiling high when he walks through the door to find Dean sitting on the couch and watching an animated movie that he’s never seen before. It takes everything he has not to throttle him in the back of the head as soon as he’s in the apartment.

Dean doesn’t even have the decency to turn around and greet him properly. He speaks to the TV when he acknowledges that Castiel is home. “How were classes?”

It’s his calm and casual tone that is the most aggravating. How dare he act like he doesn’t know what he put Castiel through this afternoon. It makes his blood boil and his upper lip curls in a soundless snarl as he slams the door. That makes Dean pause the movie and he turns around to watch as Castiel kicks off his shoes hard enough that they bang against the closet door. He drops his book bag a little harder than he usually would, but he trusts the padded cases for his laptop and camera.

By the time he shrugs out of his coat and lets it drop on the floor, Dean is grinning. He looks _ridiculously_ pleased with himself as Castiel vaults the back of the couch and straddles his lap. His glare is set to maximum as he places his hands on the back of the couch on either side of Dean’s head and leans in until they’re nose to nose. “How _dare_ you.”

“Problems, Cas?” Dean is all cheeky smiles and bravado.

“Do you know how difficult it is to hide an erection while you’re walking around campus with your class taking photographs of things?” The words come on a hiss, low and dangerous. “Do you know what I had to do, Dean? I had to use my _belt_ to hold my erection in place and _hide it_.” These were never things that he had to worry about when he wasn’t sexually active.

The gears are turning in Dean’s head and Castiel knows he wouldn’t dare have the gall to laugh in his face. Today is just a day _full_ of surprise, because Dean certainly does snort a choked laugh. Castiel wrinkles his nose at it and reaches for the nearest pillow. That snort devolves into all out laughter and he will have _none of it_. Dean barely even puts up a struggle as Castiel attempts to smother him with the pillow. He ends up on his back, arms up to defend himself, but he’s laughing _far_ too hard. If Castiel was seriously trying to kill him, he would definitely die tonight.

It takes an embarrassingly long time for Dean to get himself under control enough to pull the pillow from his grasp. He throws it aside and Castiel immediately goes for the next one within reach. This attempted murder is making him feel surprisingly better, though having Dean squirming under him certainly isn’t helping the matters of his body. It keeps reacting like a stereotypical adolescent going through puberty and it is _infuriating_.

Dean sits up sharply and wraps his arms around him, pinning his own arms to his side. Castiel starts twisting, attempting to free himself. If he really put his mind to it, he could do it without problem, but that wouldn’t be very nice. Given his belt level in Taekwondo, it would be incredibly unfair of him to use those skills against Dean. It’s highly tempting though.

He twists and squirms, trying to get break them apart. They’re too close for his liking and it’s honestly surprising that he isn’t already aroused; although there is most definitely _heat_ starting to thrum through his veins. Dean doesn’t help matters by pressing kisses to wherever he can reach. Castiel does his best to impede his efforts by turning his face away. After what happened today, Dean doesn’t deserve kisses; though he truly never thought there would be a day when he refuses to kiss him. Most likely it’s because Dean is – unbelievably – _still laughing_.

“Calm down, Cas, calm down.” Dean shushes him like he would a child. It would be more effective if he wasn’t chuckling to himself like a jackass. “If you’re that worked up from earlier, then we don’t have to do anything tonight, okay? We can just sit here and watch TV and I’ll do my damnedest to not do anything that’ll turn you on.”

Okay, that manages to soothe Castiel’s ire somewhat. He’s still not happy with what happened earlier, but he’s also just downright _exhausted_. It’s like he’s been wrung tight all day and not even slumping against Dean can allow him to relax. Tomorrow feels like forever away and he groans. With a soft hum, Dean shushes his again and leans back down, pulling Castiel down to lay on top of him.

It takes some shuffling to make themselves both comfortable and he ends up with his face tucked tight against Dean’s throat. Once settled, he groans again. “I want to _come_.”

“Tomorrow morning.” Dean mumbles into his hair as he starts the motion of rubbing Castiel’s back. “I promise. First thing when we wake up you can come on my cock.”

That probably shouldn’t make him as happy as it does, but that sounds _exceptionally_ pleasing. It also sends a shiver of heat down his spine and Castiel groans loudly into Dean’s throat. He breathes hard for a few minutes, focusing on not getting aroused by those thoughts. In the meantime, Dean resets his movie so they can watch it together and keeps rubbing his back in a soothing arc. It’s doing a marvelous job of lulling Castiel into a hazy trance where he doesn’t really have to think.

Now if only he could spend the rest of the night like this. It would be _so good_.

*

Because of the current situation, they both make the executive decision to turn in early. It’s barely even ten o’clock when they agree on that. While Dean puts away the leftovers from their Chinese food dinner and cleans up the living room, Castiel takes a preventative cold shower so long that it borders on giving him hypothermia. Even though it’s not his most favourite of methods, it’s the best way to ensure that he’ll actually get some _sleep_ tonight. That alone will be a difficult task given that he’s supposed to share Dean’s bed tonight while _naked_.

He’s shivering violently when he comes out of the bathroom wearing nothing but a towel. It’s Dean’s turn and he pauses as they pass each other in the hall to tug at the wet spikes of Castiel’s hair and press a kiss to his shoulder. His heart flutters almost painfully at such a small gesture. His head is filled with clouds as he dries off and crawls into Dean’s bed. He wiggles down under the covers to warm up, relishing in the odd interesting feel of being naked in a bed that isn’t his own.

Castiel can count on one hand the number of times that he’s spent the night in Dean’s bed. On each of those times, he’s always slept on the left side of the bed (when looking at it from the end of the bed). That’s the side where he waits for Dean, not entirely sure if he’ll be asked to move or not. He doesn’t exactly have a preference, given that for the majority of his life he’s been sleeping on a single bed. Even as a child he didn’t have a very big bed.

When Dean finally comes to join him, he’s only wearing his boxers and the rest of his clothes are tossed into the laundry basket. For a moment, he almost looks surprised to find Castiel in his bed; but that shock is gone in an instant to be replaced with a bright smile. Not even turning off the lights makes that smile dim. Dean shuts the door and crosses the room to crawl in next to him. Every footstep is as loud as Castiel’s heartbeat in his ears. He’s never been so excited simply to go to bed.

The moment Dean has made himself comfortable with his back to him, Castiel tucks up behind him. He loops an arm over his stomach but makes sure that their hips are kept apart. There’s every chance that he won’t be able to stop if that area touches him while they’re both in such a state of undress. Maybe that’s the reason why Dean is still wearing his underwear? It’s not something he’s curious enough about to actually ask. Especially not since he could be sleeping right now to bring a quicker end to this terrible time of edging. It’s only a little while longer before he gets what he’s been waiting for; but only as long as knows what he wants, that is.

He ghosts his lips across the back of his neck. “First thing?”

“First thing, Cas.” Dean finds his hand where it rests against his belly and squeeze it. “Get some rest. I’ll tire you out again in the morning.”

That’s one of the best promises he has ever heard and he hums happily; continuing to press kisses across Dean’s shoulders. If possible, he’d like for every night to be like tonight. Nothing could be more perfect than that, in his opinion. Well, this is _almost_ perfect. There are still some worries nagging him since this morning and it’s possible that he won’t be able to sleep until he satisfies them.

Castiel squeezes Dean around the waist again. “It doesn’t bother you that I started edging, does it?”

“No, Cas, it doesn’t.” He sighs softly and wiggles back against his chest. “It was a little frustrating at first, but it’s pretty damn amusing now.”

“Good.” Though he makes a mental note not to start things without checking with Dean if he’s in the mood for anything surprising.

Unfortunately, that wasn’t the only worry prickling at the back of his mind. The next question pops out of his mouth before he even realizes it. “You’re not bored yet, are you?” This is something that bothers him on a near constant basis and he hugs Dean even tighter as if he’s scared that he’s going to get up and leave him.

“Is that why you wanted to try edging? And the voyeurism? And the phone sex?” Dean turns just enough to look back over his shoulder.

He’s hit the nail on the head and Castiel bites his lip. “Possibly?”

With another sigh, this one let out loudly through his nose, Dean faces forward again and brings Castiel’s hands to his lips for some soft kisses. “I’m not even remotely bored, Cas. We could never have sex again and I still wouldn’t be bored of you.”

Wait, what? That’s certainly something new and more than just a little bit surprising. What is that supposed to mean, exactly? What kind of relationship would they have if they didn’t have sex anymore? Castiel is fairly certain that he’s never going to be able to go back to being _just_ friends with Dean. If they didn’t have sex, then what interest would he have with spending time with Castiel? After Lisa and before they started their arrangement, Dean went out _a lot_. He can’t go back to that and pretend that it’s not making his heart hurt.

As if he can hear Castiel’s thoughts, Dean rubs his thumb over Castiel’s knuckles. “Don’t worry about it, okay? I’m not going anywhere.”

He clings to that promise if only so he’ll be able to sleep tonight. Castiel hums and ghosts several kisses across Dean’s back. That must lull him to sleep, because it’s not long before his breathing evens out and his body goes loose like it only ever does while he sleeps. The soft rise and fall of his breathing eventually sends Castiel to sleep too.

It’s a surprisingly restful sleep, though it feels like it’s only a few moments before he opens his eyes again. The sun is already peeking under the edges of Dean’s curtains, telling him that it must be morning. Since it wasn’t an alarm that woke him, Castiel takes a few moments to figure out why he’s awake. Honestly, it’s not that difficult to determine. He’s on his stomach with Dean against his side, an arm thrown across his back. Castiel most _definitely_ has morning wood again and his his hips are moving on their own, rubbing against the mattress.

A groan rumbles in his throat and he turns his face into the pillow to muffle it. Just because his body hates him and woke him early doesn’t mean that he should wake Dean before he wants to. Once he’s got his body still again, Castiel lifts his head to squint at the alarm clock. They weren’t planning on getting up before ten o’clock and apparently it’s just after eight o’clock in the morning. He both loves and hates that. On one hand, hates that he’s up so early and has _two hours_ until Dean is going to wake up. On the other hand, this gives him all the time that he needs to prepare.

With the greatest possible care, Castiel slides out of the bed as slowly as he can so he won’t disturb Dean. He freezes at the edge of the mattress as Dean huffs in his sleep and tucks his arm underneath the blanket. After a few moments of silence, he’s apparently not waking up and Castiel continues with his slow sneak out of the bed and out of the bedroom. Out of courtesy for Dean, he even shuts the bedroom door behind him, turning the knob so it doesn’t make any noise.

The only stop he makes on his trip from the bedroom to the bathroom for a shower is to his own bed. His new and completely unused toys are wrapped in a pair of underwear and Castiel takes out by the double penetration dildo, the cockring, and a bottle of lube he always keeps stashed near his bed just in case. He takes all three of them to the bathroom with him and turns on the shower. While it warms up, he takes the dildo out of the box just to see what it looks like and feel the weight in his hands.

It’s about as heavy as the vibrator he bought last time. Castiel does find it a little weird that the dildo is a clear sky blue, but it does let him see the inner mechanisms of it. There’s a flexible rod running down the center of the dildo from the silicone ring at the base to what accounts for the glands. He can’t resist bending it back and forth a few times before putting it back in the box. Now it’s time to try the cockring, because he is most definitely going to need it for this shower.

His heart starts pounding over the sound of the shower as he twists the flexible silicone between his fingers. It will be tight, but it shouldn’t be painfully so from what he can tell. The cockring has some give to it, so hopefully he’ll be able to take it off without any issue when he needs to. Since the shower must be warm enough by now, there really is no point in putting off putting the ring on. He slides the ring over the head of his erection and uses both hands to roll it down to the base.

No one ever told him that a cockring wouldn’t be very comfortable, but – on the bright side – definitely feels like it will do just what he needs it to do. The last thing Castiel wants to do is accidentally come before they get chance to use the double penetration dildo; and most _definitely_ not before Dean fucks him. Although he would love to come by the special dildo for being so good with his edging, he’d trade that in a heartbeat for regular sex with Dean.

Castiel fantasizes about both of those things while he’s in the shower, using those thoughts of soft touches and wet kisses to work himself up. He washes himself from head to foot before he steps to the far end of the tub and puts a foot on the edge. It feels _incredibly_ good as he starts prepping himself for Dean, using the lube to carefully work one finger in. At this point, Castiel doesn’t even care if he uses up all the hot water. It’s so nice not to be taking a cold shower that he’s more than happy to stand here and take his time with preparing himself.

He keeps going until he can work three fingers in and out easily, taking his time with it and keeping things shallow. The last thing he wants to do right now is overstimulate himself. His trust in the cockring is not one hundred percent and he doesn’t want to ruin the whole morning by coming all on his own. Castiel wants Dean to be there and actively participating it what should hopefully be an incredibly powerful orgasm – or so he’s read. Only time will confirm that for him.

Besides that, he also wants to let Dean sleep. He woke up earlier than he wanted to yesterday too and it wouldn’t be right to wake him early again, especially since it’s his day off today. Dean needs all the rest he can get, given the workout that he’s promised they’re going to have this morning. Should Castiel prepare him something to eat so he’ll have energy? No, he better not. He can’t hold out long enough for Dean to eat _and_ get aroused enough for them to have sex.

Once he’s done with his shower, Castiel delays his return to the bedroom by taking the time to brush his teeth and dry his hair. He does it slowly so he doesn’t have the risk of sudden orgasm when he removes the cockring. It’s not as easy as it sounds, but he’s considers it a victory when he takes it off without an accident occurring.

Now that he’s done with everything, he’s not entirely sure what he should do. He returns to the bedroom to check the time, and it’s not even nine o’clock yet. Dean has rearranged how he’s sleeping, spread out on his belly like a starfish. Castiel moves around the room on his tiptoes, trying his hardest not to make a sound as he places the lube and the dildo box on the bed. He places the cockring on the nightstand since he’s not completely sure whether or not he’s going to need it again. If he does, he’d like to have it within easy reach.

In an effort to let Dean sleep longer, Castiel looks around the room for some new ideas. Is there anything else they have that he can incorporate into this morning? Is there anything they have that he hasn’t had the chance to use yet and would like to? He ends up kneeling by the open closet door while rooting through the box with their little collection of things.

Since he enjoys the vulnerability involved with being tied up, Castiel can only imagine that having his _voice_ restrained as well would add to the experience. At least it can’t hurt to try! Given how overstimulated he’s likely to get, it’s very possible that he’s going to get very loud. Honestly, it’s a miracle that they haven’t had any complaints from the neighbours yet. Someday they might, given how neither of them really makes much of an effort to be quiet when they’re together.

Castiel takes the rope handcuffs and leaves them dangling from one wrist. There’s nothing else from the box that he needs and he puts it away again. Before he closes the closet, he repurposes one of Dean’s few ties to work as a gag. If he likes it, perhaps they can look into buying a proper one so they don’t end up ruining this one. Teeth marks can’t be good for it.

He drapes the tie around his neck and returns to the side of the bed. Barely any time has passed at all and it’s _still_ not nine o’clock yet. His erection has hardly flagged since the end of his shower and the need to get things over with is growing by the second. Castiel can’t wait any longer and if Dean is unhappy about being woken up early again, then he’ll do his best to make it up to him later on. Besides, the chances of them going back to sleep after this are rather high, so he has that going for him too.

With his bottom lip caught between his teeth, Castiel crawls onto the bed in his empty spot and waits on his knees. He picks up the box with the dildo and fidgets with it while he waits for Dean to wake up and notice him. Should he open the box and take it out? Or should he let Dean do that? It won’t be immediately obvious from the box and Castiel wants to surprise him at least a little bit.

Jostling the bed seems to have done the trick, because Dean snorts into the pillow and slowly rolls over onto his back. He yawns and knuckles at his eyes before turning his head to squint at what woke him. Rolling over pushes the blanket down enough to expose his bare chest and it actually manages to make Castiel’s mouth water.

Sometimes it’s hard to believe just how addicted he’s become to Dean’s body. Never in his life did he ever think that he would be _this_ sexually active. Up until earlier this year, he didn’t think he’d ever have a sexual partner considering how focused his emotions were – and still are – on Dean. And yet here he is, doing things he never thought he’d do with someone he didn’t think he had a chance with. Of course he’s a little disappointed that it’s just sexual, but if it keeps Dean in his life and allowed them to feed that intimate craving that he has, then Castiel is happy to have it.

Dean’s squint eases slightly as he looks from the box in his hand, to the rope handcuffs, to the tie, to Castiel’s lap, and back again. A smile spreads across his lips before it’s broken by another yawn. “Well, good morning to you too. How long have you been awake?”

“Long enough to have showered and prepped myself.” He shrugs and puts the box aside. There’s no real point in bringing any attention to it yet since Dean isn’t even aroused at the moment. Luckily, that shouldn’t be too difficult to do given how responsive he is to basically anything that Castiel does.

“Wait.” Dean props himself up on his elbows and his eyes go wide. “What?”

 “I said that I prepped myself in the shower.” Castiel pulls back the blanket all the way and pushes it right off the bed. “And now you need to wake up and keep your promise because it is _morning_ now.”

This is going too slow for his liking. Castiel was promised _first thing_ and that is not what he seems to be getting. While his patience may be legendary, sometimes it can still wear a little thin; particularly when he’s been edging for _three days_ and he can’t do it any longer. He wants to be _done_ with this ridiculous edging. It’s taken over his whole life to the point that he was so focused on himself that he didn’t even notice how Dean was feeling. Not to mention that Castiel is pretty certain that he didn’t learn a single thing yesterday during calls. Which means that all of this needs to be dealt with _immediately_.

Dean pouts and sits up properly. “Aw, but that’s half the fun for me.”

“You’re welcome to continue fingering me.” Castiel shrugs and shuffles closer. “I prepped myself enough to take _you_ , but more is still necessary.”

His brain gets all fuzzy and buzzes pleasantly when he thinks about how _full_ he’s going to feel when he’ll have both Dean _and_ the dildo in him at the same time. He can hardly wait and he hopes that he can hold out for two more fingers worth of prepping. If he feels like he’s getting to close to the brink, at least Castiel can still just put the cockring back on again. But he’ll leave it to Dean to make that decision because he can’t trust himself for it.

“What?” Dean leans back on one hand and muffles a yawn with the other. “Dude, I’m barely even awake. Talk in small words. Single syllables before coffee.” He rubs a hand over his face and shakes his head out afterwards.

Castiel sighs loudly. “Fine.” He figured this was going to happen and he pushes Dean back down. “Then I will wake you up.”

Amusement dances in Dean’s eyes as he raises an eyebrow. Castiel ignores it in favour of pulling his boxers off as quickly as he can. He tosses them over his shoulder; out of sight, out of mind. Now he can situate himself between Dean’s legs without any barriers between them. His hands are likely rougher than they should be as he pushes Dean’s legs wider, fueled by the desperation clawing under his skin. He folds over Dean’s to use both his hands and his mouth to get him aroused.

While he works, Castiel is well aware of having Dean’s eyes on him. It does send goosebumps all up and down his back to know that he’s being watched and it makes him work _extra_ hard. He pulls out every trick that he knows will make Dean’s toes curl and that seems to work. His head tilts back with a groan and closes his eyes. That means that he’s focusing on the feeling and he’s having a _very_ good time with it. He knows for certain when fingers twist into his hair.

Dean gives his hair a slight tug and Castiel huffs under his breath. Another sharp pull draws a moan out of him too. He has no idea _why_ it feels good to have his hair pulled, but he likes it and it makes him want to drop until his belly to thrust against the mattress. The urge to do so is building more and more. The longer he refuses himself, the more he feels every touch Dean makes across his shoulders, every brush of his cheek against his thigh, _everything_. It gets impossibly hard not to hold back every little sound he wants to make, and he gives up on that completely. If he’s going to groan at the feel of Dean’s erection twitching on his tongue, then he’s damn well going to do it.

Even though it feels like forever, it’s not very long at all before he’s satisfied with how hard Dean is. This is good enough and he sits back to grab the lube. He pushes it into Dean’s hands. “Here. Will you continue prepping me now?”

Of course Dean looks exceptionally pleased with this turn of events and he sits up again. This time he pats the space between his legs and there’s only one thing he could mean by that. It’s a bit odd, but who is Castiel to judge? He settles himself so they are back to chest and makes himself comfortable by spreading his legs to hook them over Dean’s legs. Though he’s loathe to do it, now he has to just wait and what Dean plans to do.

His heart jumps painfully in his chest as Dean rests his chin on his shoulder and brings his arms in front of the both of them. It stutters against his ribs and he curls his hands into fists against his thighs as Dean coats his fingers with lube. Castiel angles his hips to help and guides Dean by the wrist down to where he needs to be. It’s not like he can see it with his vantage point. Between the two of them, Castiel is the one with the better idea of where he has to go.

When Dean sucks in a sharp breath, it hisses right in his ear and sends a shiver through his bones. One by one, he slips three fingers in easily and he whistles as he pushes his fingers in deep. It’s like lightning through him and Castiel arches his back with a gasp, tensing around them. While it always feels good when he fingers himself, he absolutely _loves_ it when it’s _Dean’s_ fingers.

“Jesus, Cas. How much more prepping do you need?” Dean hums as he works his fingers in and out, spreading them slightly and drawing a loud groan out of him.

Castiel bites his lip and reaches back to grab a handful of Dean’s hair. He tilts his head back and relishes in the feeling of finally being _touched_. That feeling ends quickly when he realizes exactly what Dean is trying to do.

“ _Don’t_.” He grabs Dean’s wrist to stop him. “I might – Just stretching. Only stretching.” He takes a deep breath and shivers. “No – don’t touch –”

“I get it, Cas. Don’t worry.” Dean kisses the back of his shoulder. “But are you sure you want me to keep going? You’re already pretty open. You’d have no problem with taking me or that dildo.”

Despite what he says, Dean still keeps his fingers shallow when Castiel lets go. He breathes a sigh of relief, but soon realizes that’s the last decent breath he’s going to have. Dean works diligently, stretching and rocking his fingers in and out. It’s perfect, but it’s not enough. Nothing will be enough until he has Dean fill him properly.

“ _More_.” Castiel shakes his head and shudders through his next breath. “Dean – please –”

“Yeah, yeah. Give me a minute.” Another kiss gets pressed to the side of his neck. “If you’re this close already, how the heck did you not come while you were showering?”

Oh, that’s right. Dean doesn’t know about the rest of the purchases. Up until now, all he’s seen is the dildo box and the stuff they already had. It takes a few seconds for him to get his throat to work properly so he can be understood. “I – I bought a cockring. It worked – but I – I should still use it right now, shouldn’t I?”

Castiel can feel Dean’s smile against his skin. That can’t be good. Why is he smiling? What is he planning? Those questions are answered the moment Dean curls the fingers of his free hand around the base of Castiel’s erection in a tight circle. It immediately feels just like the cockring, but with the added bonus of it being _Dean’s_ hand on him. Castiel makes an embarrassingly loud noise and rocks his hips, trying to push into that unyielding grip.

Minutes must past but it’s feels like the blink of an eye before Dean has four fingers in him. All he can do is hold onto Dean’s wrists and wait until he’s sure that he’s stretched enough. If he’s not, it could hurt the both of them later on. Which is why he stops Dean when he starts to withdraw.

“Not enough, Dean.” Every word scrapes through his throat, gasping for air. “Not ready yet.”

“How are you not –” He stops suddenly, cutting himself off. Castiel can feel him turn his head away and he knows immediately what he’s doing. “Holy shit.” Dean’s voice drops into a whisper and he turns back to look at him. “You want to _DP_.”

Yes, that is the gist of it and he has _very_ good reasons for his decision behind buying the dildo. It’s just very hard for him to articulate properly right now. All Castiel can do is bob his head in a jerky nod and speak between gasps. “I – I want to try it –” His hand shakes as he lets go of Dean’s wrist and reaches down to try and slip one of his own fingers in alongside the others. “But I – I don’t want another person. Just you – just you, Dean, _please_ –”

A loud groan rumbles against the back of his neck and Dean’s hips twitch hard, rubbing his erection against Castiel’s ass for a brief moment before he gets himself under control again. It only makes him want it more. Everything he’s been waiting days for is within reach and he can hardly wait. Dean seems to be of the same mind, because it’s only a few moments before he’s kissing the back of Castiel’s neck again, his voice warm in his ear.

“I think you’re ready to take us both, Cas.” He draws his fingers out slowly and Castiel is in no mind to tell him to stop. “Do you want to keep going now?”

Dear God, _yes_. He nods enthusiastically and his hands shake almost violently as he reaches across the sheets for the box with the dildo. This is it. This is finally happening and he can’t decide if he’s nervous or excited. Well, no. Castiel is certainly excited, but there is most definitely nervousness mixed into the mess that makes up his insides right now. Because of everything burning through him right now, all he can manage to do is get the box open before Dean takes it from him.

Castiel scoots forward on the bed and twists around so he can see what’s going on behind him. Dean looks to be utterly _fascinated_ by the dildo now that he has it out of the box. He’s twisting and bending it this way and that, testing the flexibility. Eventually he decides on the best angle and pulls it almost straight with a slight bend to it. Next he inspects the silicone ring attached to one side of the base, pulling it to check the give on it. Dean’s nose crinkles slightly when it doesn’t seem to stretch too much.

That’s about when it occurs to Castiel that he didn’t think to check that the ring on the dildo would fit Dean. What if he finds it too uncomfortable? Or, worse yet, what if it doesn’t fit? It’s entirely possible that they might not be able to use it at all. These worries swirl tight through his head and he chews his bottom lip; watching intently as Dean smoothes lube over his erection and starts to slide the ring on. He holds his breath as it slides down, dreading that it will stop halfway and go no further.

His sigh of relief gets caught in the back of his throat when the dildo’s ring is finally settled around the base of Dean’s erection. It looks as tight on him as the cockring was on Castiel, but it has the added benefit of looking absolutely _amazing_. He can’t take his eyes off it and he licks his lips, throat suddenly dry even though his heart feels like it’s cartwheeling in delight. Now that he can see Dean and the dildo lined up together at the same time, it looks like _a lot_ for him to take. He wants it, and yet he’s terrified of it. Will five fingers worth of prepping be enough?

“So, what do you think, Cas?” Dean grins and leans back on one of his hands. He uses the other to hold the dildo up along the underside of his erection. “Do you think you can take both of these? Do you want to be filled up _that_ bad?”

Yes. Yes he absolutely _does_ want to be filled up. It’s definitely in the top three best things that he likes about sex and why he’s more likely to take the bottom role when he and Dean do things together. That aside, he’s honestly not sure if he’s going to be able to take both Dean _and_ the dildo at the same time. Suddenly five fingers doesn’t seem like as many as it did before. All he can do is swallow and make a few squeaking sounds, forgetting how to actually make words.

Dean hums a curious noise and Castiel looks up at him, realizing that he’s still waiting for a response. The only thing he can manage right now is a nod. They can at least _try_ this right now. If he needs more prep, then they can get the cockring and keep going until he _can_ take them both. Castiel is incredibly touched that Dean is checking with him first too, and he knows – without a doubt – that he would absolutely take any and all time needed to make sure that he would be properly prepared.

That trust he has in Dean makes his heart swell and his chest ache. The only way Castiel knows how to deal with this feeling right now is to kiss him and he leans forward to do it. Dean reads him like a book and meets him halfway, accepting his kiss without question. It only serves to fuel the fires burning in him and Castiel can no longer keep his hands to himself. They ghost everywhere; sliding up arms and across shoulders, down his chest and along his thighs. He can’t stop _touching_ and tasting and he shuffles forward, wanting to get as close to Dean as he physically can.

It pains Castiel greatly when Dean pulls out of the kiss and gently pushes him back by his shoulders. “C’mon, we’ll do it this way.”

He has no idea what it is that Dean is talking about halfway through rearranging themselves on the bed. It ends with Dean flat on his back and Castiel laying on top of him, back to chest again. They haven’t done _this_ before and he is very interested in seeing how it goes. Not to mention that he knows he’s not as light as any women Dean must have done this with before, so it likely isn’t very comfortable for him.

Up until this point, Castiel has all but completely forgotten about the tie. Dean reminds him of it when he holds it up into view. “Hey, what did you bring this out for?”

“I – ” Words. _Words_. Dear God, Castiel needs to find his words. He takes a deep breath to try and steady himself, even though his body is literally _aching_ in excitement for what is sure to come soon. His hips are already rocking in anticipation. “R-remember when I gagged you with it? I want – I want to try it now.”

Dean answers with a hum. After some adjusting, he manages to get the tie in place between Castiel’s teeth. Immediately he’s not very fond of how it digs into the corners of his mouth and cheeks, but he _does_ like how every single sound he makes behind it is muffled as Dean knots it at the back of his head. Once it’s in place, his hands slide down Castiel’s body to catch curl around his hips. “Ready, Cas?” The questions is followed with a kiss to behind his ear. “You should get those handcuffs on properly before we get started, shouldn’t you?”

In all honesty, Castiel had forgotten about the handcuffs entirely. He starts scrabbling at the loop hanging from his wrist, trying to get his other hand into it. His arms are above his head, one hand pressed against the wall to brace himself from when things get started. Eventually he manages to get the handcuffs on properly and pulled tight. By that point, Dean has eased Castiel’s hips up and reached underneath him.

He tries his best to help by planting his feet on the bed, but the muscles in his legs tremble violently and he is _positive_ that he won’t be able to hold himself up for very long. Luckily, Dean is quick and efficient. In a matter of seconds, his head is dropping back and Castiel is grinding his teeth on the tie as it muffles his groan. _There_ is the familiar feeling he loves so much as Dean slowly slides in. He’s going too slow for Castiel’s liking and his legs are giving out quickly.

While he usually likes to savour this feeling, he can’t do it right now and he rocks his hips down suddenly, taking all that he can. Dean’s grips on his hips tightens, but he doesn’t actively try and stop Castiel from rolling his hips. He savours the familiar feeling of Dean moving in him, especially when he starts actively participating and rocking up to meet him. The dildo has yet to be added to the equation and Castiel doesn’t mind too much right now. He’s enjoying how it occasionally rubs up behind his balls when Dean is particularly hard with snapping his hips up.

As good as that feels, it’s building the pressure in his gut _far_ too quickly for his liking. Either he needs Dean’s hand around the base of his erection again or he needs the cockring. Things are coming to a head and he does _not_ want it to happen before the dildo is in him too. That’s why Castiel takes the initiative and reaches down between his legs with both hands to try and get a hold of it. Dean must be paying attention, because he makes both of them stop to make this easier for him.

The dildo is slick with lube too and Castiel can’t remember when that happened. His fingers slip on it as he fumbles to line it up alongside Dean’s erection again. He shivers and takes a hard breath through his nose when he can feel the hard head of it press up against his hole. It already feels tight and the fear from before starts building in his chest. Please, God, _please_ let him be properly prepared. If they have to stop for more stretching, he might very well cry.

To his great delight, the dildo slides in right alongside Dean. A groan rumbles in his ear and he’s honestly not sure if it came from him or not. Castiel is trembling at the feeling and the slow slide of _full_ filling him up. Something somewhere is telling him that he could have done with a touch more prep, but he ignores that because this is absolutely, without a doubt, _amazing_. It’s everything Castiel had hoped for and more. His brain is filling with a tingling haze of pleasure, making every breath a struggle and setting every nerve in his body on fire in the best possible way.

“Is it too much, Cas?” Dean’s voice is hushed in his ear and all he can do is shake his head in response.

It’s most definitely _not_ too much, but good Lord on high he wants to move. He wants to feel Dean and the dildo _moving_ in him, but he’s not being allowed that. His hips are held in a vice and he doesn’t have the strength to struggle against it. Castiel is, in all honesty, _exhausted_. He’s just been holding back for so long and his body is tired of it. The desire to come has been haunting him for _days_ and that’s just _so close_ now that he can practically taste it.

Dean waits for God knows what before he starts moving. It’s punishingly slow but it’s perfect, dragging at Castiel’s insides in the best way possible. The thrusts are shallow, but they’re exactly what he needs. He scrabbles at the wall, searching for a handhold that just isn’t there. The best he can do is press his knuckles into the wall, pushing back against every thrust as they slowly but surely get longer and go deeper. Perfect, so _perfect_.

He’s long since lost any ability to control the noises he makes behind the tie, and Castiel is certain he never cared about them in the first place, too enraptured with the sensations rocking through his body. It’s hardly even a matter of minutes before there’s an explosion of stars in his veins. Lights dance between his eyes from how hard Castiel squeezes them shut and his whole body goes taut. For a moment, he even forgets how to breathe.

The orgasm leaves him shaking and unable to move any part of his body. Every limb feels like it’s buzzing. He’s not entirely sure that they’re even there anymore. He can’t really feel them, let alone hold himself up or move. All he can do is bask in this truly fantastic sensation. Castiel is positive that he has _never_ had as amazing an orgasm as this. It’s all he can do just to breathe and let it wash through him.

Eventually, the world does come back to him. There’s a hand on his cheek, the touch soft and thumb tender as it sweeps over his cheekbone. He’s vaguely aware that his wrists are free of the handcuffs, but that’s more or less it. Castiel tries answering the touch with sounds and tilting his face into it, but he’s not entirely sure that he carries it out. Everything just feels so pleasantly floaty and far away, even if reality is slipping back into place.

He comes back to himself as Dean is loosening the tie and pulling it off. As soon as that’s away, the hand is back on his cheek and patting lightly. “If you’re alive, could you maybe let me know, Cas?”

If he could, he would, but his tongue feels like it’s made of lead. Regardless, Castiel at least makes an attempt. He tries to say that he’s fine and he _does_ feel the words on his tongue. It’s well beyond him to know if they’re understandable, but it’s better than nothing. Dean seems to accept it well enough and his sigh is a soft puff against Castiel’s cheek. That’s a breath he wants to take and he forces his hands to move; shaking as they reach up to pull Dean down into a kiss.

A groan feeds into the kiss and he honestly can’t tell if it came from him. This is the weakest and most pathetic he’s ever                felt, but it is _divine_. If edging wasn’t absolutely terrible, he would do it all the time just to feel like this every time they have sex. Castiel is going to have to try and talk Dean into edging for him at some point. He would give just about anything to see what he’s like after such a powerful orgasm. How loose and soft would he be afterwards? How many soft kisses and touches and whispered words of affection could Castiel get away with if Dean were the one to be so disconnected from everything, even if just for a short while?

Those pleasant fantasies and this gentle kiss, though nice, are not enough to distract Castiel. Every passing heartbeat brings him back to his body; to the tingling nerves and the sweat cooling on his skin; to the thudding tempo of his heart in his ears and the heat still pulsing in his gut. He didn’t think it possible, but that orgasm wasn’t enough. Castiel is _still_ hard, though he doesn’t feel remotely the same urgency that he did before. Good. He didn’t want this to be over yet either.

Dean, on the other hand, seems to have a different idea. His knuckles brush over Castiel’s ribs as one hand tries to sneak down between them. There’s only one reason he could be doing that in the middle of a kiss and it’s simply not an option right now. Castiel stops him from reaching further, though his grip could hardly stop a toddler at this point.

“Not done.”

He breathes into the kiss and Dean pulls back from it sharply, the rest of him going still. “What?”

“We’re –” Words are still hard to form with his tongue feeling thick and unwieldy. Castiel has to take a moment to breathe and ground himself in his body again before he can try again. “We’re not done.”

“I know.” Dean frowns and pushes himself up again. “But I’m still kind of hanging out to dry here.” He looks down at his erection and Castiel follows his gaze.

It’s possible that he’s never seen Dean look this hard before, nor has he seen so much pre-come beading on the head and dripping down the side. A part of him wants to reach out and touch, but he also wants to sit forward and taste. More than that, he wants both Dean and the dildo to get back to work, and _that_ is something Dean seems to have missed.

Strength is returning to his limbs slowly but surely and Castiel is more confident with himself as he drags Dean’s wrist to his own erection. It makes his eyes go wide and he looks up from it sharply. Clearly he wasn’t expecting him to still be hard. Honestly, though, Castiel didn’t expect it either. Granted, this is a turn of events that he welcomes with open arms. Much as he does Dean now, but with open legs.

“I’m not done either.” He murmurs and pulls at Dean’s arm, trying to draw him close again.

“You – uh –” Dean swallows audibly and he licks his lips, eyes darting back down for a brief moment. “You want both again?”

Castiel nods, the only answer he could possibly give. “Please.”

Everything that follows that moment is slow and soft, gentle and utterly _perfect_. Normally he would be annoyed with being treated like he’s made of glass, but Castiel rather likes it right now. He likes how Dean seems more focused on _feeling_ than anything else. Castiel can feel his eyes on him as he stars with the dildo and carefully works his way up to using both again. Dean doubles over him, their kisses now nothing more than heavy breathing against each other’s lips as Castiel breathes his name. He crosses his ankles behind Dean’s back, holding him close as best he can while they rock together.

For the life of him, he can’t stop his hands from skirting along every inch of skin that he can reach. They dance through Dean’s hair and wipe sweat from his brow. Castiel’s fingers trace his spine and knead his shoulders, stopping only to catch his face between his palms. These touches are too tender, more than anything he’s done before, but he can’t stop himself and Dean is most certainly not complaining. In fact, if anything, he is _rewarding_ Castiel by getting a hand between them to stroke him at the same pace as he moves his hips.

The second orgasm this morning is very nearly as fantastic as the first. It’s not as strong and leaves him in full mental capabilities. He feels feeble and weak again, unable to hold his grip on Dean. Letting go appears to be an excellent decision, freeing Dean slowly before letting his arms drop to the mattress. With a huff, he sits back on his heels and and smiles. It’s truly radiant; a smile so soft and warm that it feels like looking into the face of the sun – without the burning of his corneas.

Castiel is very much not surprised that one of the first things Dean does now is reach down to take off the dildo. The ring at the base of it must be very uncomfortable for him right now. Especially if it’s anything like the one that Castiel wore during his shower. As much as he enjoys the use of the dildo, it’s more than alright for him to take it off now. The chances of Castiel still being hard after that second orgasm are slim to none, confirmed by how the burning heat in his veins is now subsiding.

It’s an entirely different matter for Dean, though. _He_ is still very much aroused and he breathes a sigh of relief as he puts the dildo aside. He seems intent on finishing himself off with his hand and that is just entirely unacceptable. Unless they’re going to do something like masturbate in front of one another, Castiel will never allow this. Not when he’s lying here ready, willing, and able – for now. There is a time limit on how long he’ll be able to handle anything more and it is quickly dwindling.

His legs are still resting around Dean’s hips and he tightens them again, with some difficulty, to draw him in again. Castiel reaches down to slide his fingers over Dean’s erection and guide him where he needs to go. The hint is taken and he slips back in with a groan, his head dropping to hang between his shoulders as his hips start moving again. They roll with a sharp precision, each thrust rougher than anything they’ve done yet today. He’s on the verge of coming and loses his rhythm quickly. Castiel holds him close and refuses to let go the moment he hears Dean choke back his usual gasp.

As always, it’s just a little weird to feel that liquid hot sensation spread in his gut as Dean shakes through his orgasm. Mostly, though, it feels _good_. It’s something Castiel can never figure out how to explain, but he likes it. Almost as much as he loves how Dean shudders against him before he collapses. Sadly, he doesn’t remain in place for long. As much as Castiel would love for him to stay and cuddle, Dean rolls away the moment he isn’t being held in place. On a brighter note, he doesn’t go very far.

With a hum, Castiel stretches the weary muscles in his arms and legs. His hum continues as Dean gets a wet nap from the bedside drawer. It’s cool on his skin, but it’s nice as Dean wipes away the mess on his stomach. What makes it all the best is the kisses the follow the damp cloth, pressed to clean skin in little bursts all up and down his stomach. The tender touches are the one Castiel lives for and he basks in the delight that comes with this rare display.

This might be a bit of a step outside the parameters of their relationship, but he feels especially bold today. Once everything has been put away and they’re both as clean as they’re going to get without taking a shower, Castiel draws Dean to him again. He tucks against his side with a confidence he has only ever displayed in the dark. A soft laugh puffs against the top of his head as Castiel draws the blanket up around his shoulders and gets as presses as close as he dares to rest his cheek on Dean’s chest. This must be considered acceptable as he meets no opposition.

“Can we rest for a little while, Dean?” He mumbles the words directly against his skin and runs his hands across his chest, finding where they fit best. “Please?”

“Does that mean you’re skipping class today?” Dean curls his arm around Castiel’s shoulders slowly, but there’s a surety in the gesture that is wholly satisfying.

A yawn delays his answer and he closes his eyes. “Yes.”

One of the last things Castiel feels before he falls asleep is a kiss to the top of his forehead. “Yeah, Cas, we can rest for a while.”

*

There is something about today that is just downright unbelievable. Castiel is having difficulty accepting that today isn’t some kind of dream. If it is one, then he absolutely doesn’t want to wake up from it. Not only did he and Dean spend the rest of the morning cuddling and napping together, but the shower that followed the nap was absolutely _brilliant_. He’s having difficulty remembering the last time he felt this ridiculously happy.

It’s been a few hours since the end of their shower and his knees are still wobbly when he walks. Which is why he spends the afternoon hardly moving at all. Castiel wraps himself in a blanket and makes himself a permanent space on the couch. Dean does the same, though he goes without a blanket and instead simply leans against him. That’s how they sit and watch TV together, eating their grilled cheese sandwiches and soup.

The afternoon is the perfect follow up to what has quite possibly been a perfect morning. It’s as close as Castiel thinks he’s ever going to get. The only way that things could ever be better was if he knew that Dean returned his feelings. But moments like these give him hope. It’s a bitter hope, but it’s easy enough for Castiel to convince himself that Dean cares for him above and beyond mere friendship when he’s running his fingers through his hair and kisses him until he falls into a late afternoon nap.

When he wakes from his unexpected nap, it’s to another meal prepared by Dean. They take their leftover Chinese food supper sitting side by side at the table in the kitchen, their legs pressed together from knee to ankle and their elbows bumping. Neither of them seems to mind it as they chat about just about everything. Their conversations carries them over discussing Castiel’s classes and the friends he’s made, as well as how things are going for him with the café. They even talk about how things are at the garage for Dean.

“Yeah, it’s weird.” He shrugs and licks sauce from his fork. “Bobby’s insisting on this garage-wide meeting _super_ early tomorrow and he won’t tell us what for.”

From what he knows of Bobby, that does sound rather odd. “Do you have any guesses?”

“He’s probably just going on vacation and telling us who’s gonna be in charge while he’s gone.” Dean shrugs and shakes his head. “For all his gruffness, Bobby is totally a sucker for the dramatics. It’s all those Spanish soap operas he watches.”

Castiel hides a smile with his napkin while wiping away a stray noodle from the corner of his mouth. “Do you think you’ll be the one left in charge?”

“Oh _hell_ no.” He laughs and stabs at the remains of his sweet and sour chicken. “I’m still on probation for that weekend where I got fucked up and missed work. It’s almost done, but I still gotta be on my best behavior. If I get top marks in all my assessments between now and the end of the year, I _might_ score myself a promotion in the New Year.”

That sounds good. A promotion, even if it’s a few months away, is always a good thing. “What would be involved with that, if you did get a promotion?”

“A big fat bonus, a nice raise, _and_ a static schedule.” Dean grins at him and raises eyes eyebrows. “That means I could have myself a nice nine to five job that goes Monday through Friday. Wouldn’t that be nice? No more having to check the wall chart to know when and I’m going to be home.”

“It sounds fantastic.” He returns Dean’s smile and leans over to bump their shoulders together. “I hope you get it.”

And he really does. Dean works so hard at everything he does not just for him, but for Sam too. Castiel wants him to be able to afford buying the things that he wants without having to pinch pennies for months just so he could get it. He wants to give Dean anything and everything he desires, but that’s not something he can do right now. Not when his savings are being dwindled by the costs his scholarships don’t cover and everything he makes at the café goes towards rent, his bills, and a little bit of pocket change that _he_ scrimps and saves to use for anything fun.

Once school is done for the year, Castiel will be able to take more shifts and build up his savings again, but what he makes now just isn’t enough for him to do everything that he wants to do – especially in regards to Dean. There’s just something about him that makes Castiel want to pamper him. He wants to wrap Dean up in a blanket and make sure that nothing bad ever happens to him. He wants to make sure that he only ever gets the good in life.

Above all, Castiel wants him to be _happy_.

*

They don’t hear from Sam until after nine o’clock that evening. It’s just a quick message to Dean saying that he and Jess will be back at the university in roughly fifteen minutes. As soon as he gets the text, Dean is on his feet and heading to the door. He pauses while pulling on his coat, apparently noticing that Castiel hasn’t moved from the couch yet.

“You not coming?”

Aside from being too comfortable to move, he also has a very good reason as to why he doesn’t to go. “I still feel really wobbly when I walk. I don’t want to stumble and have Sam question it.”

That brings a bright grin to Dean’s lips. “You sure know how to boost a guy’s confidence, Cas.” He laughs and leans over the back of the couch to press a kiss to Castiel’s cheek. “We’ll be back soon. Don’t miss me too much.”

“I’ll try not to.” Castiel turns his head and they have a proper kiss goodbye before Dean is out the door.

Once upon a time he might have been confused as to how weak legs could link to one’s self-confidence, but that doesn’t apply now. He understands because after this morning he would _really_ like to do that for Dean some day. It is a bit disappointing that Dean has already said that he’s already done edging and he wouldn’t do it again, but he _has_ expressed some interest in trying the double penetration dildo one day. The chances are very slim, but Castiel might be able to talk him into edging before giving it a try. He just would _love_ to give Dean the same experience that he had today.

While he _could_ sit here and think about all the ways he could try and persuade Dean into edging, Castiel is quite done with sex right now. His libido has been satisfied and he likely won’t desire it for a while now. If Dean wants it, then of course he’ll participate, but that’s a different matter entirely. Instead, he’s perfectly happy to bundle himself up in his blanket and focus on the cuddling and lazy kisses they did to wile away the hours of the afternoon. Those were just so _nice_ and on par with sex, in his opinion.

That only lasts until he needs to go to the bathroom. Once he’s in there, he decides now would be a good time to brush his teeth and get ready for bed. Sam will probably be tired when he gets home and not want to stay up too late, and Castiel is still pretty exhausted. It wouldn’t be entirely off the mark for him to get ready for bed, and especially when they won’t be back until near ten o’clock, if not later. The more he considers it, the better an idea it becomes.

As soon as he’s done in the bathroom, Castiel crawls into bed. He spent the day in his pajamas and it makes the process of settling down all the easier. Since he doesn’t want to fall asleep just yet, he stays sitting up and reviewing his textbook. It’s the least he can do considering how he skipped class today. If there are any notes, he’ll have to get them from Balthazar; and he might as well apologize at the same time. There are several missed texts asking where he is, why he’s missing class, and if he’s dead. He hasn’t answered them yet if only because he doesn’t know what to say.

His eyes are growing heavy by the time the others get home. Dean moves through the apartment like a whirlwind, explaining that he has to go to bed because of the meeting in the morning. He beelines for the bathroom while Sam carries his cooler straight into the kitchen to start putting things away, only pausing to give Castiel a bright smile and a hello.

“How was the conference?” He doesn’t bother putting his text book down considering how quickly Sam moves out of sight.

That turns out to be quite the loaded question. Sam launches into what might be one of the most boring topics that he has ever listened to. He goes on and on about networking, and law firms, and current debates and topics of discussion that have no bearing on Castiel’s life that he can see. Regardless, he still listens with the majority of his attention, if only because it’s something that interests his friend and Sam is _very_ excited for how the conference went for him.

Sam has Castiel’s nearly full attention up until Dean comes out of the bathroom. They immediately make eye contact and it sends him partially deaf. They’ve been sharing a bed for the last two nights and he is _really_ not looking forward to spending the night alone. Castiel isn’t sure if Dean knows just how much he’s wishing that he could sleep with him again tonight, but it does look like he isn’t very happy. His lips are pressed into a thin line and he doesn’t look away the whole length of the hallway from the bathroom to his bedroom door.

Does Dean wish they could sleep together tonight too? It would be nice if he did. He lingers by his door and Castiel wishes that he would give some kind of signal asking for him to sneak in after Sam has gone to bed. Sadly, the signal never comes. Eventually, Dean just sighs and shakes his head.

“I’m heading to bed now, you two.” He ducks into his bedroom without another look. “Goodnight.”

“Night, Dean!” Sam pokes his head out of the kitchen from a moment before disappearing back around the corner. “Thanks for picking me up!”

A pout pulls at Castiel’s bottom lip and he closes his text book. “Goodnight, Dean. See you in the morning.” He puts his book aside and slides down in bed until he can pull the blanket up to his shoulders. “I’m going to sleep too, Sam.”

“Yeah, I’ll turn in too in a sec.” A cupboard door closes and the fridge opens. “I’m just going to put away the last of this stuff.”

Castiel hums in acknowledgement and rolls onto his side, facing the wall. A few minutes later the lights go out and Sam disappears to the end of the hall. Regardless of whether he’ll see or not, Castiel pulls one of his two pillows down under the blanket so he can hug it. The pillow is a poor substitute for Dean and he frowns at the wall. He would give just about anything for it to be Dean to be the one he’s holding right now.

*

Someone jostles Castiel from behind and if they apologize for it, he doesn’t hear them. The music is too loud and he’s very concerned about anyone in his vicinity spilling their drink on his costume. It wasn’t _that_ expensive, but this is the LARPing outfit that Dean helped him pick out for Moondoor and he doesn’t want it to reek of cheap beer at the next event. This can’t be an easy thing to wash and Dean has yet to explain the finer points of loing LARP laundry.

This is the first Halloween party Castiel has ever been to and he’s almost certain that this is going to be his last. If he ever goes to another it had better be quieter and with a far fewer amount of people. He wouldn’t mind if there was less alcoholic beverages too. Alcohol just makes people loud and inhibited and if _one_ more person grabs his ass, he just might break a few fingers.

At least he isn’t planning to stay too long. He’s only here until midnight and then he’s catch a bus back home. Sam is planning to spend the night at Jess’s apartment, so Castiel will be heading home alone and he wants to do it _before_ the transit system is embroiled in drunken party goers on their way home. Worse yet, he doesn’t want to accidentally miss the last bus home and pay for a taxi. It’s not far, but it’s not money that he has to spend. Thus why they’re all wearing their LARP costumes tonight, even Dean.

If it weren’t for Sam and Jess, and to a greater extent; Dean, he wouldn’t even be here right now. The moment Dean announced that he was going to a Halloween party with his co-workers, Jess had made a show of inviting Castiel to the party that she and Sam were attending on campus. It’s being housed in one of the frat houses and that should have been enough to tell him not to go. Attending the party was the lesser of two evils, by _far_.

At least here he has Jess, Sam, and Balthazar is somewhere about. Their company and shenanigans are doing a wonderful job of distracting him. If he had stayed at home, he would be sitting alone in the apartment with the every growing worry that Dean might not come back tonight. Granted, that worry is still bouncing around in the back of his mind, but his friends are doing a wonderful job of keeping it out of the forefront of his thoughts.

It’s extremely hard to be worried about things when two of your best friends make a sandwich out of you. Castiel isn’t sure whether to laugh or run for cover as Jess steps in behind him and Sam slides up in front, the both of them with their arms in the air and moving them in a sharp back-forth rhythm in time with the thrusting of their hips. They’re respecting his personal space by not touching him, but they are _uncomfortably_ close. It has the odd effect of making Castiel laugh, especially as they try to accommodate his empty quiver and bow into their dance. Sam and Jess both have their fake foam swords swinging at their hips and they’ve accidentally poked more than a few people with them tonight.

After a few minutes of trying to figure out which direction he should be facing during the awkward sandwich, Balthazar comes to his rescue and drags him out of it. “You look like you could use a drink!”

Castiel shakes his head and slings his bow over his shoulder to keep it out of the way. “Only if it’s water. I told you that I don’t drink.”

“You’re _hardly_ underage. If this were Canada, you could drink freely!” Balthazar sighs and hands him an unopened bottle of water. “I promise this hasn’t been tampered with.”

Before Castiel can say anything in return, he holds up a hand with his phone. “Before you thank me, I want you to see this.”

There’s a paused video on the screen and he taps it. While it’s a little hard to see given that parties apparently don’t need _light_ to be held, Castiel can clearly see the dancing sandwich he was just a part of. “Oh good Lord. You _filmed_ it.”

“I did more than that, my good friend.” Balthazar slings an arm over his shoulders and switches apps. “I even _sent_ it to you.”

“Bless you.” Castiel laughs and pulls out his own phone to confirm that he has received the video. “If you get anything else of us, please send it to me too. Dean would love to see those two acting like idiots.”

A grin spreads wicked across Balthazar’s lips and he tilts his head to indicate what makes up the dance floor in this place. “How about I just let you know when interesting things are happening, hm?”

Of all the things he could have seen when he turns around, Castiel does not expect to find Jess and Sam in the midst of a sword duel. He didn’t even notice the change in the crowd as they started cheering, since that has been happening all too often whenever someone chugs a beer or pulls off an intricate dance move. As it stands, half the dance area has been cleared to make room as Jess and Sam spar. They’re both laughing and doing their best to look serious, and this is something that needs to be recorded for the history books.

What a fortuitous coincidence! Castiel just so happens that he has his cell phone out already and he raises it to take a video. This party might not be so bad after all.

*

By the time he trudges down the hallway to the apartment, Castiel is exhausted. He stinks of _party_ and his head feels overwhelmed from so much socializing. All he wants now is to febreeze his clothes, take a long hot shower, and crawl into bed so he can sleep without having to wonder whether or not Dean is going to come home tonight. Everyone has come to the terms that he is likely going to take a party as an excuse to drink more than he’s let himself have at once in months. That would have made the chances of Dean coming home exponentially higher than the possibility of sex with someone else. That being said, Castiel really isn’t expecting to find him sitting on the couch when he walks in, still dressed in his LARP costume and drinking a glass of water.

He looks over his shoulder and immediately smiles, his eyebrows bouncing in a quick waggle. “Hey, Legolas. How was the party?”

Dean is never going to stop with the archer jokes since Castiel elected to choose the _archer_ costume. He rolls his eyes and pulls his phone from his pocket. After unlocking it and pulling up the photo app, he passes it over the back of the couch. “See for yourself.”

Within seconds, the room is filled with Dean’s laughter. Castiel shakes his head and opens the closet. They don’t have many jackets or shoes in this closet, so they have all agreed that it’s a good idea to hang their LARP equipment in there. His quiver and bow get hung together of a hook on the inside wall.

Before he can toe off his boots, Dean is suddenly very much in his space. “Don’t get undressed yet.”

“Why?” He turns and their chests bump together.

This is far too close to simply have his phone handed back to him. He has a feeling that he knows exactly what it is that Dean is hinting at, but he doesn’t get his answer right away. “Just stay right here, okay? I’ll be right back.”

Castiel crosses his arms and leans back against the door as Dean cuts through the kitchen to get to the bathroom. It doesn’t take a seer to know what’s probably going to happen and, in the interest of being prudent, he reaches over and slides the chain lock into place. That should ensure that no one walks in on them. Sam _has_ had the tendency to change his mind and come home depending on whether or not Jess’s roommates aren’t happy with him staying the night.

When Dean returns, he saunters around the corner from the hall. He’s lips are tilted in a seductive grin and his eyes alone are enough to read exactly what he wants. “I’m not saying we should roleplay, but I definitely think you should blow me in that outfit.”

Interesting. They may not be taking on the roles of their characters, but he files away _roleplaying_ as something to bring up with Dean again at a later date. It might be something that he’s interested in and he would very much like to do more things that _Dean_ wants to do. Everything new they do together is something that Castiel proposed and he can’t shake the feeling that things are unbalanced between them because of it.

Rather than answering with words, he crosses the room and backs Dean up against the wall that separates the two bedroom doors. He leans in to kiss him, hands seeking out hips to push up the hem of his tunic. Dean’s arms loop around his shoulders, pulling him in as the kiss goes from soft to hot. Castiel kisses him until his lips tingle and all he can taste is Dean on his tongue.

He pulls back to rest their foreheads together and gasps for a breath. “Can I make a correction to your plans tonight?” When he gets a hum in answer, Castiel smiles. “I want to fuck you.”

That makes Dean shiver hard against him and he pushes his hands up into Castiel’s hair. “Like you even need to ask, Cas. Sam ain’t coming home tonight.”

“I know.” He tilts his chin up to kiss him quick once more. “Now it’s _your_ turn to not move from this spot. I’ll be right back.”

While Dean waits for him, Castiel ducks into his bedroom to quickly find both a condom and the lube. Even though he prefers doing this without the condom, and he’s certain that they’re both clean, he knows that Dean would rather have it.

When he returns, Dean raises an eyebrow and looks at the contents of his hands. “Right here?”

“Right here.” Castiel nods and tucks the condom away. If he needs anything right away, it will likely be the lube. Although Dean did mention wanting a blowjob first. “I don’t believe we’ve ever done it against a wall before.”

“Another hint on your list, huh?” He laughs and turns around to put his hands on the wall. Dean arches his back to push his ass out and wiggles it. “Take your time, Cas. We’ve got all night and I’m thinking we should have a round two with that doubler of yours.”

Oh dear God. Castiel’s knees go weak and he takes the chance to sink to them. All his plans to ask Dean to edge before they use the dildo go out the window. In the light of getting to use that on him _now_ , Castiel is more than willing to sacrifice edging for it. He guides Dean to turn around again and leans forward to press a kiss to the front of his breeches where he can already see the line of his erection as he gets harder with every passing second.

This isn’t exactly how he thought the night would go, but he’s certainly happy for it. He’ll have to ask later why Dean is home far earlier than predicted and why he seems particularly sober. Of course, Castiel isn’t complaining. He’s _extremely_ happy to have Dean home with him. And, more than that, he’s delighted at another opportunity to share a bed with him again. Of course, that’s _after_ they tire themselves out first.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:
> 
> \- blow job  
> \- anal fingering  
> \- anal sex  
> \- sex toys  
> \- bondage  
> \- gagging  
> \- double penetration  
> \- bottom!Cas


	41. Chapter 41

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Castiel can’t recall seeing the whipped cream or the chocolate sauce before, but he usually comes in here with tunnel vision to avoid being embarrassed. He clears his throat to get the attention of the woman behind the counter. “Are these new?”
> 
> She looks up from her book with a raised eyebrow. “Not new. Just relocated.” She glances around before leaning forward with a whisper. “If I were you, I’d just buy it at the grocery store. It’s way cheaper, and you can get cherries and strawberries too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings at the bottom of the chapter**
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter takes place between, during, and after [Chapter 23](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/5744363) of the _A Little Patience_ story line.

Castiel checks his watch for what has to be the fifteenth time in the last ten minutes as he paces back and forth in front of Dean’s bedroom. It is now officially ten o’clock in the morning and Dean is _still_ not up. There hasn’t been a single sound from within the room, meaning that he’s most likely not awake yet and that makes Castiel very unhappy. He should give him a bit of a break considering that it’s a Saturday and it’s everyone’s day off, but he just can’t.

Sam and Jess are both dressed and sitting on the couch. They’re turned sideways to watch him and they sip their coffees silently. Castiel knows they’re both on his side regarding the time and Dean’s lack of an appearance right now, but he still feels a little bit like they’re judging him. Hopefully they’re not. Hopefully it’s _Dean_ they’re judging for breaking his promise and not getting up on time like he said he would. That was made a week ago, but he wouldn’t have forgotten, would he?

It was last weekend when Castiel asked him to participate in a photo shoot that he needs to do for school. He wants to get a variety of locations and, after talking it over, they had decided to drive up state with no real destination in mind. They were just going to stop at anything interesting and Castiel was going to take any and all pictures that tickled his fancy. The plan was to leave by ten thirty after having breakfast together. But breakfast has come and gone and Dean still isn’t awake.

Jess decides to add her two cents to the situation. “Five bucks says he forgot.”

“I’ll take that action.” Sam holds his hand out and they shake on it, but Castiel just turns to glare at the both of them.

They smile at him in sync and he turns his scowl on the door. There is _no way_ that Dean forgot. He wouldn’t do that, would he? It really is starting to look like he did. There’s only one a few ways to find out and Castiel begrudgingly starts by knocking on the door. When he gets no answer, he knocks once more only to have it go unanswered yet _again_. The next step is to actually open the door and he takes a quick peek through the crack first. Of _course_ it’s just completely and utterly dark inside. The curtain hasn’t even been opened. Quite possibly the worst thing of all is that Castiel can _hear_ Dean’s soft, steading breathing – which is just how he breathes when he’s _sleeping_.

With a sigh, he gestures over his shoulder for Sam and Jess to wait for him and he slips into the room. Just in case they might decide to sneak a peek at what’s about to happen, Castiel makes sure to shut and lock the door too. He turns the tab on the doorknob as slowly as possible to make sure they don’t hear it from the couch. It’s just a precaution, but he can’t take any risks here.

He knows he’s safe when he hears Jess start laughing. “Pay up, Winchester! He _did_ forget!”

She’s immediately followed by Sam cursing. Hopefully that will be enough of a distraction that they won’t try to come into the bedroom too only to find the door locked. That will certainly raise some questions that Dean has made clear that he doesn’t want to answer.

Castiel isn’t at all quiet with how he makes his way over to the bed, and he’s none too gentle about pulling open the curtains. This has little to no effect on Dean. He’s curled up on his side with the blanket tugged right up over his shoulders and a pillow hugged tight between his arms. It’s a cute sight and he would like nothing more than to just let Dean sleep, but a promise is a promise and they’ve got a long drive ahead of them. Castiel rests one knee on the bed and leaves over him to press a kiss under his ear.

The kiss I gentle and barely there, but it’s apparently enough for Dean to groan and rub his face into the pillow. “Five more minutes.”

“Dean.” He kisses the same spot again and breathes into Dean’s ear, even taking the chance to run his hand through his hair. “It’s time to wake up.”

“Mmm.”

That’s not exactly an answer and Castiel sighs. “You have one more chance to get up.” He punctuates his warning by gently nuzzling his nose into Dean’s hair.

Again, Dean grumbles and curls in on himself even more. Since he makes no move to actually _get up_ , Castiel deems this a punishable offence. He’s done with the soft and sweet method and it’s time to take matters into his own hands, quite literally. First and foremost, the blanket needs to go. Castiel grabs it by the edge and flips it right off the bed altogether, leaving it in a bunch on the floor.

“Time to get up!” The announcement is loud as he none too gently yanks the pillow out from between Dean’s arms too.

“Jesus _Christ_ , Cas!” He hisses and pulls one of his other pillows over his head. “What the _hell_?”

Castiel smacks Dean hard on the thighs with the pillow, though it’s hardly much of a punishment given its fluffy nature. “We have to leave in less than thirty minutes, or did you _forget_ that you promised to help me with my photo shoot today?”

Immediately, Dean goes stiff. He uncurls slowly, cautiously peeking out from underneath his pillow. “I didn’t forget…”

“Oh, you didn’t?” He finds _that_ hard to believe. Castiel sniffs at him and drops his plush alarm clock on top of the pillow already over Dean’s head. “Your outfit is hanging in the bathroom and you have exactly thirty minutes to shower, get dressed, brush your teeth, and eat breakfast. We already ate without you, but I will make you a breakfast sandwich with the leftover bacon.” He leans over to give him a hard glare. “As long as you get up _right now_.”

Dean sits up slowly, bringing his pillow to his chest. If it’s to protect his chastity, that’s quite a bit too late for that. He watches Castiel over the edge of it, eyes wide and perhaps just a little bit pleading. “Are you mad at me?”

“No, I’m not mad.” Disappointed would be a more apt term.

He turns on his heel and starts back towards the door. An arm around his waist keeps him from going very far and Castiel nearly bites his tongue as Dean gives a sharp tug, dragging him down onto the bed. Like an octopus, Dean curls around him using both his legs and his arms. It tickles a bit as Dean rubs his unshaven cheek against the back of Castiel’s neck, pausing only to press kisses to the same spot.

“Don’t be mad, Cas. I’m sorry.”

Castiel puts up a show of struggling, but he doesn’t _really_ want to break out of this impromptu cuddle. He knows from experience that Dean likes to get his snuggles in during the morning. Since those happen to be some of his favourite things about sleeping with Dean, he keeps up the front of being upset and fakes a pout at being restrained. It must work, because it’s not more than a moment before Dean is wiggling around until he’s on top of him and trying to kiss away the pout.

There’s a certain thrill to kissing when Sam (and Jess, even!) is home. They could so easily be caught right now and Castiel is still very torn on that matter. He wants to get caught so they don’t have to sneak around behind the backs of two of his best friends. But there is the very real possibility that Dean would most likely call an end to everything if Sam knew, and that is the _last_ thing Castiel wants to have happen. Which means they really probably shouldn’t be doing this right now.

It nearly kills him to bring their kisses to an end, but Castiel turns his face away. “Sam and Jess are waiting for us in the living room.”

Dean grumbles and rolls to the side, though he doesn’t quite let go of him. “And here I was hoping for some morning action.”

“You can have some action later.” He props himself up on his elbows and lets his head hang back between his shoulders. “They were making plans to go see a movie together after when we get back.”

That certainly seems to change Dean’s mood. A bright grin spreads across his lips and he gets bold enough to actually rock his hips against Castiel’s thigh. “What about getting them to leave long enough for you to join me in the shower?”

As much as Castiel would love to do that, they just don’t have the time for it. He shakes his head and begins to untangle himself from Dean’s hold. “Your punishment for sleeping in and forgetting your promise is that you’re going to shower alone.”

Once he’s on his feet, he also makes sure to gather up the blanket again to take with him, just so Dean won’t have the chance to roll himself up again. He drags it over his shoulder as he starts for the door. “And you should take that shower _now_.”

Dean’s groans loudly as Castiel walks into the living room and his whine is loud enough to make both Sam and Jess break down laughing. “ _Kill joy_!”

*

It comes as no surprise to anyone that Dean beelines straight for his bedroom the moment they get home. He’s been complaining almost since the moment they left about his outfit, even though everything aside from the vest already belongs to him. Although, to be fair, his clothing has been damp ever since he sat in that pile of leaves. That and the pants are a _bit_ on the tight side. Castiel accepts full blame for that, but he won’t admit that it’s because Dean’s ass looks _amazing_ in tight jeans. He really had to fight the urge to zoom in and take a few close ups of it whenever Dean was walking ahead of him.

“I’m going to hit the bathroom before we leave.” Jess slaps Sam on the shoulder before ducking around him to cut through the kitchen. “Can you double check what time the movie starts? I want to know how much time we’ve got.”

“On it!” He pulls out his phone as he follows after her, but his journey is a lot shorter. Sam stops in the kitchen, right in front of the white board mounted with their schedule.

Castiel’s follows after him, if only because he has the bag with their leftovers. They stopped at a diner on their way home because Dean was hungry and he didn’t want to wait until they got home. Of course he didn’t really need a reason. Everyone else was hungry too and they all enthusiastically agreed with him. After putting the leftovers away in the fridge, Castiel turns to find Sam writing _WORKSHOP_ over Friday, Saturday, and Sunday of next weekend on their calendar.

Now that’s certainly interesting. “What’s that about?”

“There’s a college out of town that’s putting together a workshop.” Sam flashes a grin at him as he underlines the weekend a few times. “I really want to take it and Dean said I can borrow the Impala if he can get Bobby to give him the weekend off. I’m going to text Bobby to try and convince him before Dean does. He’s never been able to say ‘no’ to me.”

With a laugh, Castiel pulls the strap of his camera bag over his shoulder and puts it aside on the table. “Does that mean you’re his favourite?

“We don’t play favourites with him.” He shakes his head and caps the marker, dropping it back into the cup. “But I’m pretty sure he still thinks of both of us as kids, even though Dean’s working for him.”

This doesn’t surprise him. While Gabriel might not be his parent, he still often treats Castiel like he’s ten years old. His parents have always more or less treated him like an adult, or so he assumes. Father has always held his children at a distance, but Mother has been sweet. She actually seems to _care_ , unlike their father. Between the two of them, she most definitely treats them like her children despite how they were essentially raised in boarding schools.

Castiel discards the thoughts about his parents as that tends to bring his mood, in particular when he thinks about his father. There are other things to focus on for right now. Things like, for example, the whole weekend where Sam might very well not be here. If he’s not here, that means three days _alone_ with Dean and that is a very exciting thing indeed. Without Sam here, Castiel can share Dean’s bed with him, cuddle openingly while they’re watching TV, and do just about anything else they want to do without having to be sneaky about it.

That sounds like Heaven and Castiel is very, _very_ excited about it. Unfortunately, he also has three shifts written down over those days. Would it be weird of him to try and get those days off? If he did, then there would be nothing except for his classes on Friday standing between spending the _whole_ weekend with Dean. As long as he doesn’t have any plans of his own, that is. Even if he did, it wouldn’t be a problem. Castiel can respect that he has plans of his own or sometimes needs his own space. They don’t have to spend _all_ their time together, regardless of how they basically do that already.Granted, they’ve never had it be _just them_ without work, friends, or family involved in some way.

Whether he wants it to or not, the gears are already starting to turn to make plan to get those days off. Technically speaking, his exams _are_ coming up. They’ll be happening within a month, and that’s why he needed to do this photoshoot today for his final project. It will be due at the end of November and it’s going to take a lot of editing and different shoots to get everything together the way he wants it. Not to mention that he needs to get everything _printed_. So everything is going to have to be perfect well before he reaches that step. 

Since there is still essentially a month before his exams, Castiel doesn’t technically _need_ the next weekend off to study, but no one at work needs to know. He could easily switch them for any other day he has free for this week or next. The only problem with this plan is that weekend shifts are so hard to switch. It’s going to take ungodly amounts of sweet talking to convince anyone to those shifts. He’ll have to be extra saccharine with everyone because he quite suddenly _really_ wants to see what a whole weekend with Dean would be like.

If this happens – if they both get a whole weekend off together – then Castiel is going to have to check his _list_ to see if there’s anything exciting he can plan for it. Of course it’s not going to be anything too big since it hasn’t been _that_ long since the last time Sam was gone for a few days. And whatever he plans, Castiel is going to make sure that he informs Dean of his plans to get the okay on it. To be honest, though, he would rather like to do something that would surprise him. It’s just so _fun_ to surprise him.

What if it wasn’t something _new_? What if all he did was something like being ready and waiting for him when Dean wakes up? When he said that he wanted to be informed of any big plans like the edging, does that cover the purchase any new toys? There’s the very real possibility that Castiel might buy a toy that Dean wants nothing to do with. If that happens, then it should at least be something that he can use on his own regardless of how little Castiel actually does by himself.

Unless he’s in the shower preparing for Dean, he honestly doesn’t masturbate that often. It was considered a rather rare occurrence for him before they became friends. His libido has always been low and now it is _more_ than taken care of. And can fingering himself in the shower really be considered masturbating if he doesn’t always jerk off during or afterwards? The only reason he does that is to make things easier for Dean since he’s shown a preference to topping. Castiel doesn’t really have a preference for it, so he gives in to whatever direction the modo is going. He’s equally happy to spread his own legs as he is to spread Dean’s legs for him. Both feel good and either role satisfies him in multiple ways.

Well, at least he has a week to figure things out. He’s going to have to thank Sam somehow for giving him this opportunity. Perhaps on the next paycheck he’ll treak him to dinner or something. Right now, all Castiel can manage is to pat him on the shoulder. “I hope you have fun at the workshop.”

“Me too.” Sam flashes him a smile before turning. “Hurry up, Jess! We gotta like in five if we want to make the movie on time!”

“Coming!”

Castiel rolls his eyes at the both of them and heads back into the living room. He doesn’t have to start planning things right _now_ , even if he wants to a little bit because he knows that if Dean is probably already looking forward to the sex they’ll be able to have. Given how their last Sam-free string of days went, Dean might even be expecting something equally _new_. So, just in case, Castiel is going to have to consult his list. Maybe he’ll even do some research. He’ll watch some of Dean’s porn for some new ideas and make a plan while trying to get the weekend off. It would be nice to do something with his collar again. He’s been itching to wear it again. That would be nice.

He’ll have to keep his fingers crossed that everything will come together.

*

Now that is one class of the day is finished, Castiel opts to bus home from the university instead of walking. He was planning on taking the bus anyways back when he was supposed to be working, but that isn’t a problem for him any more thanks to Meg taking his shifts. Regardless, he doesn’t go straight home. In fact, Castiel goes _well_ out of his way first. There’s one stop he has to make first; the adult shop where Benny works.

It’s almost weird to have Benny not be the one sitting behind the counter when he walks through the door. Today it’s a woman who looks like she’s in her sixties. She has multi-coloured hair, tattoos on every visible inch of skin below her neck, and the most piercings Castiel has ever seen on a person. He’s seen her here once or twice before, and she’s actually very nice.

She greets him with a smile over the edge of her book. “Welcome back, handsome. If you need help finding anything, you know where to find me.” It appears she also has a good memory for faces.

He tries not to blush as he nods at her before passing through the security gate into the store. First things first, Castiel grabs a box of condoms and another bottle of lube. Their current stock probably doesn’t need it, but he doesn’t want to look like he’s _only_ here for the toy that he’s been researching for since last night. The racks of condoms and lube leads him to the wall where all the insertable toys are kept. Today, he ignores the vibrators and dildos to plant himself in front of all the boxes of buttplugs. It’s not a very _nice_ name, but it does accurately describe what it does.

It took him a week of slowly combing through the downloaded videos on Dean’s laptop, but Castiel did manage to find one that gave him the good kind of tingle through his bones. It’s the only one of its kinds on the laptop, so he hopes that it’s not a one off accidental download. Hopefully it’s something that Dean also likes too, to an extent.

The video was about a woman who was given a roof over her head and basically everything that she wanted as long as she had sex with the many residents of the house whenever they wished. From what he understands, she was a _kept woman_ for a fraternity. He’s still hazy on the terms, but he got the gist of it. She went around mostly naked in the half hour video so that the men in the house could come up behind her at any time to bed her over for whatever the wanted. The woman also did a lot of something called _cock warming_ , which Castiel has never heard of before.

It seemed innocent enough that he added that to his list of things he wanted to try. As for the rest of the video, he thought it to be just a bid weird. He did, however, get a delightful shiver from the thought of having a weekend where he would always be ready for Dean. That one video had him researching what he needs to do for a weekend like that. It lead to looking up buttplugs, and he’s now well versed with everything that he needs to do to be comfortable wearing one for a whole weekend.

After the next few days, Castiel probably wouldn’t be able to bottom for a week. It’s going to take a while for everything to go back to normal down there, but he wants to do something special for this weekend – for Dean. He’s going to wear his collar too, so the only thing that will make him not wear the plug is if Dean orders him not to. Hopefully using a plug and wanting to be at Dean’s sexual beck and call won’t be considering surprising enough that Dean should know about it before it happens. Castiel will tell Dean that he has something _fun_ planned when he gets home, but unless he insists, it’s going to remain a secret.

With some humming and hawing, he eventually picks a plug. It’s doesn’t look too big or too small, and the colour isn’t exactly off putting. He tucks that in the crook of his arm and heads back for the counter. The only thing that stops him is a mini-fridge display case featuring two shelves. One is full of energy drinks and the other now has _whipped cream_. He’s pretty sure he’s only ever seen the energy drinks in there before. And now there are also bottles of chocolate sauce arranged on top of the mini-fridge.

Castiel can’t recall seeing the whipped cream or the chocolate sauce before, but he usually comes in here with tunnel vision to avoid being embarrassed. He clears his throat to get the attention of the woman behind the counter. “Are these new?”

She looks up from her book with a raised eyebrow. “Not new. Just relocated.” She glances around before leaning forward with a whisper. “If I were you, I’d just buy it at the grocery store. It’s _way_ cheaper, and you can get cherries and strawberries too.”

An excellent suggestion. Castiel rather likes that idea, actually. He’s pretty sure that Dean’s video collection has at least a few that involve food in some way. It would be something new to use this weekend, and it would be nice to have them on hand. He’s pretty sure they have cherries in the fridge still from when Jess and Sam made ice cream sundaes last week. If his memory serves, there should also be some whipped cream and chocolate syrup left over. Castiel definitely remembers that both of those were involved with the sundaes.

They don’t technically _need_ to involve food in their sex lives, but if it keeps things fresh between them, then he’ll try it. He’s well aware that Dean is on to him about this, but Castiel can’t just _stop_. Sex is the only time he can be close to Dean and new things will keep him interested. It’s just so hard to shake the feeling that the bar hopping and random hook ups will start again if he doesn’t keep things _extra_ interesting between them.

All in all, it seems to be working. Dean hasn’t gone to the bar or spent the night out in a long while; _months_ , actually. Castiel likes to think that it’s because he’s keeping him satisfied enough that he doesn’t need anyone else. What’s the point in going out and sleeping with strangers when you can get everything you need right at home? There has been plenty of talk in all the online boards that he’s frequented where people have been saying that things get boring if they just have vanilla sex all the time. Castiel isn’t exactly sure what _vanilla_ sex means, but he’s certain that nothing about it applies to how things are going with him and Dean.

It’s essentially a win-win situation, in a sense. Dean’s sexual appetite is dealt with and Castiel gets the intimacy that he craves. Sex with Dean almost always ends with some form of cuddling. There’s always an exceptional amount of soft kisses and gentle touches. It’s everything that he wants with Dean, aside from the actual emotions and he’s satisfied with that. For now. He’s not sure how long he’ll be happy with just sex, but he tries not to think about that.

After buying everything he needs, Castiel heads home. He tucks the little black bag into his shoulder bag so no one will see it and _know_ where he went. Dean clued him into that little tidbit after the first purchase he ever made. Castiel had no idea that black bags are almost exclusively used by sex shops so their contents can’t be seen through the plastic. Really, that’s something they should tell you _in_ the shop. Or at least they should black bag it, and then normal bag it. Or make it a requirement to bring your own backpack to hide things in. Though it’s likely that not _everyone_ who shops there needs or wants to keep their purchases a secret.

The bus home lets him off outside the pet store. It’s just past one o’clock and Dean has a good hour at most before he’s done work. That should give Castiel plenty of time for a quick visit to the fluffy residents of the store because it’s been _far_ too long since he was in there last. He’s happy to see that Amelia is working again. She never has a problem with letting him visit with the rodents. If anything, she actually _encourages_ the soft spot that he has for animals like hamsters, gerbils, rabbits, and guinea pigs.

There’s just something so nice about an animal that can fit in the palm of one’s hand. Of course he likes bigger pets too, like dogs and cats, or lizards and birds. Even fish are good. Castiel likes them all and he always makes the effort to donate his spare change to whatever animal rescue they have a can for sitting on the counter. Luckily, after his purchase at the sex shop, he _does_ have change – all because he always makes sure to buy things in _cash_ there.

His visit at the pet store isn’t too long. Castiel stays long enough to hold a total of three different guinea pigs and give a rabbit a few gentle pets between the ears before he absolutely has to go home. He’s just a little surprised to find Sam waiting for the elevator, his arms full of grocery bags.

“Need a hand?” Castiel taps him on the shoulder, making Sam jump slightly.

“Dude, don’t _do_ that!” He laughs but holds out a few of the bags. “Thanks. I shouldn’t have offered to be the one to get all the food after they sent me the money. Or at least I should’ve done the shopping _after_ I had the car so I could just shove it right in the trunk.”

Castiel takes half the bags and checks his watch at the same time. “When are you supposed to leave?”

“As soon as Dean gets home. I’ve gotta pick up the other guys.” Sam sighs and slumps his shoulders. “I know it’s great that we’re splitting a hotel room together so it’s cheap as hell, but getting everything for them is going to knock me out early tonight. I’m going to look like such a _dweeb_.”

It’s hard not to laugh at that, but Castiel struggles through it with little more than a cough. “I’m sure things will be fine. I can help you pack if you need it.”

Sam’s eyes grow wide and he turns the most thankful look to him ever given. “You, Cas, are the _best_. I have the cooler out and my clothes are packed, but I haven’t gotten my school stuff together because I needed it for class today.”

All sound reasoning. Castiel knows that Sam likes to be prepared. That’s a trait they share and it’s one that he admires in him. They take everything up together and Castiel leaves his bag on his bed, hoping that Sam won’t have any reason to go through it. He never has before, so it’s a very low key level of paranoia that he has a bout it. While they pack the cooler and Castiel gives his opinion on any and all supplies that Sam should bring to the workshop, they also chat about the hotel where he’s staying and his expectations of the workshop.

That carries them through until Sam’s phone rings. “Sorry, Cas. It’s one of the guys I’m going with. I’ll just be a minute.”

“Don’t rush. I think I’m going to take a shower.” He doesn’t really _need_ it, but he does want to make sure that he’s nice and clean for when Dean gets home. And Castiel is also planning on preparing himself just a little bit; fully expecting Dean to want to get right to things as soon as Sam is gone, if the past is of any indication of how things go.

Sam gives him a thumbs up as he answers the call, turning away as he puts it to his ear. Castiel gets his towel out from under his bed and stows his school bag in one of the drawers until later. In worrying about his bag and being discovered for his purchases, he forgets entirely about bringing a change of clothes with him. That fun little fact doesn’t occur to him until _after_ he’s done his shower and he’s standing in the middle of the bathroom with nothing but a towel around his waist.

“This could be a problem.” He sighs and runs a hand over his face. Sam still doesn’t know about his tattoo and Castiel doesn’t exactly want to show it off just yet.

After a brief moment of mentally kicking himself for forgetting clothing, he settles on the only solution left to him. In this case, it’s the much smaller towel that he uses to keep the floor from getting wet when he steps out of the shower and then also uses to dry his hair. It _just_ barely covers his shoulders and Castiel has to hold it closed at his neck. Even so, his chest is left mostly bare and he has to keep his arms tucked to his sides or risk showing the tips of his feathers.

By some ridiculous miracle, Sam is at the door and he’s pulling on his shoes when Castiel walks into the living room. “Oh, hey!” He looks up with a smile. “I was gonna leave you a note. One of the guys can’t pick up some of the stuff he was supposed to, so I’m going to run to the corner store and grab it. You want me to get anything for you?”

“I’m good, thank you.” Castiel pulls the towel as tight as he can and turns his back, just in case. “Do you want me to change and come with you?”

“Nah, it’s just a quick thing. I’ll be back in, like, ten minutes or something.” Sam pulls his coat on as he stands up again. “Maybe twenty, depending on the lines and the crossing lights.”

He nods in acknowledgement and crouches to open his drawer to find some clothes. His bag is _right there_ and a thought occurs to him suddenly. It requires lying to one of his best friends, but it’s just a little white lie and it’s not a _bad_ one.

“A classmate of mine wants to meet up soon to exchange notes. I might not be here when you get back.” Castiel bites his lip and glances over his shoulder. “If I’m not here to see you off, have a good weekend and I hope you enjoy the workshop.”

“Thanks, Cas!” Sam gives him a two fingered salute before he heads out.

Instead of proceeding to get dressed, Castiel waits for the sound of Sam locking the door. He waits a few more minutes before moving, just in case he returns. When it’s clear that Sam isn’t coming back immediately, Castiel relaxes significantly. Now he can put his plan into action. First he needs to cover his tracks, and this means hiding his coat and his shoes so it will look like he’s left. They go into Dean’s bedroom along with his school bag.

Castiel writes a quick note saying that he left and he puts it on the outside of the door. It only adds to his lie and he does feel rather bad about it. If his sexual relationship with Dean ever comes to light, he’ll come clean to Sam about all the times he had to lie like this. Given Sam’s usual disposition, he’ll likely only want to be taken out to dinner as an apology. He’s nice like that. It’s one of the many reasons why Castiel is grateful to have him as a friend.

For extra security, and in case said friend might walk in on him, Castiel locks Dean’s bedroom door behind him as he hides out in there. Dean isn’t supposed to finish work for another thirty minutes or so, and that gives him plenty of time to get things ready. His heart starts racing as he hangs up both of his towels on the closet door. There’s just something so very _exhilarating_ about being naked in someone else’s bedroom, even with his paranoia that Sam might come home at any minute. If anything, that just adds to everything.

Before he starts getting everything underway, Castiel takes a moment to text Dean. **_Hurry_.**

It’s just one word, but he’ll probably know what to expect the moment he reads it. This is just a little something to work Dean up a bit before he gets home. Castiel knows, without a doubt, that he’s going to want things to start rather quickly. He’s going to be _very_ worked up by the time Dean gets home and waiting for him to reach the same levels of arousal will just be _torture_. Luckily, it’s the kind of torture that Castiel is more than happy to receive.

In an effort to save having to do more laundry later, he pulls the blanket off the bed and folds it in a corner. No matter what, the sheets are going to have to be changed before they go to sleep tonight, so he doesn’t bother with those. Castiel empties his purchases of the day onto the bed and puts the new bottle of lube and condoms in the bedside table. There’s still some left of both in the drawer and he takes those to put out.

Next he needs the contents of their shoebox of toys. Castiel opens the closet and hesitates. Things look _different_ and the box is not in its usual place on the floor. Did Dean reorganize his closet? When and why did he do that? Better yet, where in the world did he put their box? It takes him a minute, but Castiel does eventually find it tucked on the top shelf. The new location is right next to another box that has _EX_ written on the side of it in thick black marker.

He’s not proud to admit it, but Castiel stares at that box for longer than he probably should. The top of the box is open and he can see a few things stick out of it. He chews his bottom lip and glances around the room a few times before pulling it down along with their shoebox. This isn’t right. Castiel _knows_ that it’s not. He shouldn’t be snooping, but he can’t help his curiosity. These are things that Dean’s exes have left here and he’s just interested in seeing what those things might be.

Unlike the shoebox, this one is only being pulled down for a quick glance inside. There’s a skirt draped over the top of the box and it obscures almost everything. He does, however, make out the shape of a hair dryer, some bottles of shampoo, and what are likely various other articles of clothing. They’re all folded together and tucked under the skirt, but he’s almost positive that’s what they are. From what he’s garnered from reading on the internet, it’s most likely undergarments. Those seem to be the most common clothing item to forget, which baffles him completely.

A new idea starts to unfold in his mind and Castiel isn’t quite sure how he feels about it. He’s never particularly felt the urge to wear women’s clothing before, but there’s something about this pleated skirt that reminds him of the schoolgirl anime that Dean sometimes watches. What would he think if Castiel wore it? A part of him wants to do it just to see what his reaction might be, and the rest of him just wants to see what it would be like.

The only possible downside that he can see to this is that Dean might get upset with him for touching something besides their box of toys. The more likely results are that Dean is either going to laugh or find it a turn on. Both are good and Castiel grabs the skirt before putting the box back in place. He likes making Dean laugh and he most _definitely_ likes getting him aroused, so it’s really a win-win regardless of his own personal feelings.

He tosses the skirt onto the bed before going through the shoebox. There are only a few things that he needs from it; his collar, the cockring, the handcuffs, and the tie that has officially been retired from Dean’s closet to be used exclusively in the bedroom. Castiel puts the shoebox back up on the shelf and takes his findings back to the bed. He runs his fingers over the collar before putting it on, his hands shaking slightly. A shiver runs through him as the leather settles against his skin; a heady mix of anticipation and excitement.

It’s been awhile since he wore it last and he really does enjoy wearing it. More than that, Castiel _loves_ feeling like Dean has a claim on him when he wears the collar. His body is already starting to react to it as heat begins to build in his belly. Castiel can feel his heart crawl up into his, beating hard against the leather as he un-packages the plug. It’s a solid weight in his palm and he turns it over a few times, admiring the spade-like shape of it. He’s not sure what it’s going to feel like inside of him, but he’s excited to give it a try.

After wiping the plug down a few times with a wet wipe, Castiel sets it aside and picks up the skirt. He gets a little shiver tickling across his skin as he steps into it and pulls it on. It’s a little tight around his hips and he has to pull it up higher to rest more around his waist where it’s less uncomfortable. Clearly the last person who wore it was slimmer than him. The skirt is actually longer than he thought it was. If he could wear it on his hips properly, it would likely go to mid-thigh. With how Castiel is wearing it, he can feel the hem swishing against the tops of his thighs when he turns, brushing just beneath his ass.

That feeling gives him a thrill he didn’t expect to get from something as simple as a _skirt_. It’s not the same kind of exhilaration he gets when Dean holds him down or ties him up, but there’s something taboo-ish about wearing women’s clothing that actually arouses him more than he ever intended. He’s never worn something like this before. The skirt is new and exciting, and Castiel _really_ hopes that Dean won’t laugh at him, or say that it’s too weird that he’s wearing it. Of course, if he doesn’t like it then he’ll take it off right away and hopefully he won’t be too embarrassed by it.

Castiel swishes his hips back and forth a few times in front of the mirror, relishing in the way it flutters. It doesn’t look half bad on him and he’s almost certain that Dean is going to like it. Satisfied, he crawls onto the bed and folds forward to press his face into the pillows. This is always so nice because it surrounds him with the scent of Dean. He adores it and hums into the pillow as he shuffles to spreads his leg and arch his back. It’s not hard _at all_ to fill his head with Dean while he finds the lube and gets his fingers nice and slick. Dean is always slower and gentler at preparing him than Castiel is, but he likes doing it either way though he would prefer that Dean do it for him always.

Once he’s done enough by his fingers, Castiel figures that it’s time to use the plug. He sits up on his knees and takes his time spreading the lube over it as he turns it in his hands. The plug actually looks to be a bit smaller than Dean when he’s fully erect. Good. That means he’ll still be a little tight for Dean whenever he pulls the plug out. The more Castiel wears it, the looser he’ll be, but he doesn’t want to get _too_ loose or that will impact Dean’s enjoyment.

Before he even tries to put it in, his phone beeps. He dries his fingers on the sheets before picking it up. Castiel is delighted to find that Dean has answered; **_What’s wrong?_**

The innocent answer almost makes him laugh. A huff escapes before he claps a hand over his mouth and glances towards the door. He hasn’t heard Sam come back yet, but it’s possible that he missed it entirely while he was busy. It’s very easy to lose himself while he’s imagining doing all sorts of fun things with Dean. Luckily, there doesn’t seem to be anything happening on the other side of the door. Sam must not be home yet, thankfully.

Knowing that he’s alone always seems to make Castiel more impulsive than he normally would be. A truly devious spur of the moment idea strikes him and he turns over onto his back. He takes a quick picture of his legs spread open, angling his phone more towards the ceiling to ensure that the skirt won’t be caught in the shot, nor any of the items still spread across the bed. Dean will undoubtedly recognize his bedroom and the shot of the upper half of his closet from here. As soon as he sees this picture, he’s going to get a very big hint as to what will happen when he gets home.

This is an impish move that Castiel has never really done before. The only time he’s ever sent Dean _pictures_ was when they were asked of him. Doing it of his own accord and preparing a surprise like this is new and exciting, and it’s all because of Dean. He has this _effect_ on Castiel that makes him want to break out of his shell, try new things, and be a little bit wild. In the last several months, he’s done all manner of things he never thought he would and it’s all because of Dean – and he _loves_ it.

The response to his picture is almost immediate. **_I’ll b home in 15!_**

Castiel smiles and puts his phone aside. That was exactly the kind of reaction that he was hoping for, and he knows that he’s had an effect on Dean when he sorts to letters instead of full words. It’s certainly a boost to his ego and Castiel even starts humming as he picks up the plug again. After some internal debate, he decides to remain on his back. He plants his feet on the bed and lifts his hips. The skirt slides back immediately, whispering over his erections as it comes to pool around his waist. It feels unexpectedly good and he has to bite his bottom lip to keep from making a sound.

A shiver causes his hips to drop and Castiel shakes his head to make himself focus on the task at hand. The lube on the plug is still slick and slippery, which proves to be extremely helpful as he starts to work it in. He goes slowly, savouring the moment while he tests the waters with this new toy – and _that_ is when he hears the apartment door open. On instinct, Castiel stops breathing and forces himself to hold completely still. He stares at the door and waits, hoping beyond hope that there is nothing that Sam needs in here.

At the first sound of cupboards banging open and closed in the kitchen, he relaxes with a sigh. Castiel keeps his lip caught between his teeth as he allows himself to sink slowly onto the rest of the plug. It’s a little weird to feel full without having anything moving or vibrating. While it’s not an unpleasant or uncomfortable feeling, it is rather awkward – especially when he starts testing his range of movement while wearing it.

Walking is relatively easy, though technically he’s actually tip toeing, but it’s so _weird_ because of the wide disk that makes up the base of the plug. Castiel is just not used to having something like that pressing into his ass like this. While he’s upright, the takes this chance to find the cockring precariously perched at the edge of the bed and put it on. He doesn’t want to risk coming before Dean gets home and the way the skirt brushes over his erection when he moves is _not_ helping matters.

There are a few more preparations to do and Castiel keeps himself busy by cleaning off the bed of everything except the mostly empty bottle of lube. The new one is still on the night stand in case they need it. Though he doesn’t particularly want to use it, Castiel also puts a condom on the bed. If Dean wants it, at least it will be within reach.

He kneels on the bed again, the handcuffs swinging from one wrist as he smoothes the tie out. Some of the edges of it are still crinkled from the last time he bit down on it. Castiel lines them up as best he can as he brings it to his mouth and ties it off behind his head. The tie isn’t tight enough to hurt the corners of his mouth, but it still gives him a bit of a thrill to have it. It’s not the same kind of thrill that he gets from the rope handcuffs or even remotely like what the collar gives him, but it’s nice.

Before he folds over to press his face into the pillow and present his ass to the door, Castiel checks his phone just in case he might have missed a message. He’s almost disappointed to find that there are none, but then he sees the time. Dean should be home any minute now, then Sam is going to leave and it’s just going to be the two of them for the rest of the weekend.

Castiel’s heart skips a beat and he takes a deep breath through his nose as he drops forward, first to his elbows and then to his cheek. Excitement is starting to make his limbs feel weak, the same as they do whenever he’s getting ready to spar during Taekwondo. It’s that anticipation that causes it and he normally shakes it off quickly, but he doesn’t want to do that now. This feeling is a little exhilarating when he’s waiting for Dean.

He makes sure that the skirt is sitting properly over his ass before he slips his other wrist into the handcuffs and pulls them tight. Castiel doesn’t want Dean to see the plug until the very last moment. That’s part of his surprise for the weekend and the rest will come later. As the rope of the handcuffs presses into his skin, he muffles a groan into the tie at the heat that hopscotches across his ribs and down his spine. Immediately he holds his breath and twists to look at the door. Did Sam hear that? It was entirely unintentional; an automatic reaction to his delight at being tied down.

There is nothing but silence on the other side of the door. No footsteps approach it and no questions are asked. Castiel releases his breath through his nose and relaxes marginally. He can’t really relax anymore than this thanks to his situation. At this point, he hasn’t touched his erection _at all_. It’s aching and heavy between his legs. He wants Dean to be the first to touch him because Castiel finds his touch makes him feel _so_ much better.

When he hears another door open with the telltale creak of the front door hinges, his hips rock on their own. Another moan rumbles its way out of his throat and he tries not to tremble as he angles himself to keep an eye on the door. There’s no way to hide just how badly he wants Dean, but he’s going to do his best not to look _too_ desperate. Regardless, his breathing turns shallow and he has to swallow thickly when he hears voices in the other room.

It’s about then that Castiel realizes that he hasn’t unlocked the bedroom door yet. This could pose quite the problem and he curses himself for forgetting about it. He frees one of his wrists and quickly hobbles to the door. The lock is relatively quiet as he turns it, but it still sounds far too loud in the room. There’s no break in the conversation between Dean and Sam on the other side of it, so he hopes that neither of them noticed.

As quickly as he can, he returns to the bed to take up the same position again. Castiel listens to the intelligible rumble of the voices from the living room as they talk for a few minutes. He shivers his way through all of it, waiting. A hard twitch rocks his body when the front door opens and closes again. No matter how hard he strains to hear it, he doesn’t hear the sound of the lock. It’s too quiet and Castiel doesn’t know where Dean is. He doesn’t even hear his footsteps and it’s a complete surprise to him when the bedroom door finally swings open.

Castiel has to bite back a whimper when Dean steps into view. He still has a streak of grease on his cheek and it stands out against the flush in his cheeks. Dean doesn’t move for a minute, simply standing there as his eyes track the rash of goosebumps that skate over Castiel’s skin. It feels like an eternity crawls by where he does nothing and that’s just unacceptable. Does he not look tempting enough for Dean to want to jump him immediately? That’s what he was going for and it’s a little disappointing that nothing has happened yet. Unless, maybe he’s _too_ tempting and Dean is just appreciating the view before he does anything?

To test his two theories, Castiel twists his hands so he can curl his fingers in the fabric of the skirt, pulling it up a little bit while still keeping everything hidden. The movement causes Dean to lick his lips, and in four quick strides he’s suddenly at the edge of the bed. With one hand spread over his collarbone, and the other gripping the back of the tie, he pulls Castiel up. He’s a little rough – a little _desperate_ – with undoing the tie enough to pull it down enough that it doesn’t get in the way of a hard kiss. It’s a kiss that steals whatever is left of his breath and it’s _perfect_.

Dean has always been able to do absolutely sinful things with his tongue and he puts it to work now. Castiel is almost certain that Dean could get him to come from kisses alone when he’s like this; untouched and with a plug buried as deep as it will go. The slick kisses are dirty and bruising, and they turn his knees completely and utterly _weak_. When Dean pulls back for a breath, his name escapes Castiel on a whimper. He’s not expecting the groan he gets in answer, or how fevered the next kiss becomes, but it’s a nice surprise.

Hands slide into his hair, but it’s only for a moment before they drop to skim across his shoulders. Castiel sucks in a sharp breath as they don’t hold still, moving to trace his chest. Thumbs brush across his nipples, stroking almost tenderly in a sharp contrast to the press of lips and curl of tongue. He moans Dean’s name again when those hands move down until they reach the waistband of the skirt. Those hands are downright _glorious_. They’re gifts from God and Castiel groans his appreciation when Dean brings one forward to cup his erection through the skirt and the other goes back to squeeze his ass.

That squeeze pulls Castiel forward, guiding him to start rocking into Dean’s hand. The fabric of the skirt changes the entire feel of it and he muffles another noise of approval into the kiss. It feels _so_ good; a relief from the nagging need that’s been resting in his belly for what feels like ages now. Castiel breaks the kiss when his head tips back to catch a breath. The moment he does that, Dean drops his mouth to his neck and skims teeth across his pulse. It’s electric and he bucks into his hand again.

“Dean –” Castiel is interrupted by a gasp at a small nip to this throat. “Dean – please.”

Even with the ring around his erection, it still feels like he could come from this and he doesn’t want that. Usually he’d be fine with just about anything, but right now he wants more. He wants Dean to _fuck_ him. He want Dean to push him down into the mattress and fill him more than the plug ever could. In this very moment, he’s _craving_ that connection and he’ll do just about anything for it.

By tilting his chin down again, Castiel forces Dean to move the kisses to other areas. He finds Dean’s ear with his lips and traces the edge with the tip of his tongue. It’s hard not to smile when he can feel Dean shiver as he draws his earlobe between his teeth and bites gentle. The grip on his ass slightly, but those are the only reactions he gets. It’s not enough and it’s most certainly not giving him what he wants. At this point, it looks like he’s going to need to get blatant with him. He’s not usually in the habit of demanding things while he’s wearing the collar, but he can most definitely make a suggestion.

Castiel presses a kiss to the space beneath Dean’s ear before he breathes into it. “Dean, _fuck me_.”

That seems to get the ball rolling in the right direction. He’s barely finished speaking before Dean’s hands leave him to start fumbling at his clothing. The come together into a crushing kiss again and Castiel groans as he licks in. One day he really would like to test his theory that Dean could make him come from kissing alone.

As he gets his belt undone and opens his jeans, Dean pulls back for a breath a whisper. “How close are you, Cas?”

Honestly? It’s hard to tell and all he can do is shake his head. He’s not so much close as he is desperate for something more. It’s not like Castiel will come the moment the cockring is removed or when Dean starts fucking him. That’s partially because he has a wonderful way of drawing things out. If things are going too fast, Dean usually slows things down as soon as he feels Castiel starting to tense up. Or sometimes he’ll stop entirely just to make him squirm.

A whimper catches in his throat when an unexpected hand sneaks under the skirt to touch his erection. Too warm fingers curl around it loosely in a teasing touch. Castiel interrupts their kisses by biting his bottom lip as Dean rubs his thumb around the base to feel out the cockring. That thumbs slides up slowly before rubbing along the head of his erection.

“Look how wet you are, Cas.” Dean’s voice is low and rough as it scrapes through him. “If I take this ring off, how close are you gonna be?”

The only thing Castiel can do is make the same noise again and rock into his hand. As soon as he does that, Dean pulls away completely, leaving him to teeter in place. There’s no real danger of falling off the bed, but his heart rate spikes painfully. For one delirious moment, he’s terrified that he just stepped over his bounds and his punishment is that Dean won’t touch him again. He _is_ wearing the collar, after all and it’s possible that Dean just remembered the rules that comes with it.

When he’s wearing the collar, Castiel is supposed to wait to be told what to do. He’s supposed to be well behaved and patient, or he gets punished. That’s what they originally discussed after the first few times they used the collars, because before that they were more or less making things up as they went along. Castiel likes to be called _master_ when Dean wears the collar and, when their roles are reversed, it’s _sir_.

His worries melt away when Dean starts undressing in earnest, finishing with his pants and removing his shirts altogether. Rather than dropping his jeans, he simply gets them open and pushes them down enough to free his own erection. Once satisfied, he steps in again and cups Castiel’s jaw.

Rather than kiss him, Dean presses his thumb against his bottom lip, drawing it open. “Why don’t you get me to where you are, huh?”

It can be argued that Dean is already there, but arguing would be counterproductive to what Castiel wants. He accompanies his nod with a pout; if only because the sooner he complies, the sooner he gets what he wants. As Dean guides him down carefully, he shuffles back on the bed so he’s not hunched over too painfully.

The moment he gets his mouth around the head of Dean’s erection, Castiel can’t remember why he didn’t want to do this in the first place. He closes his eyes and muffles a groan at the familiar taste on his tongue. It’s matched by the moan in Dean’s throat and he sifts his fingers through Castiel’s hair, guiding him to start moving. Without his hands to support him, he can’t do quite as much as he is normally able to do. He does what he can, and bobs his head until his neck gets sore.

It doesn’t take long for that to happen, given the angle he’s in. Luckily, Castiel is more than willing to let his jaw go slack. Dean quickly catches onto his plan and starts moving his hips instead, shallowly rocking into his mouth. After that, it’s only a matter of a few minutes before he’s satisfied. He pulls Castiel back up to kiss him again. It’s quick, dirty, and over _far_ too soon for his liking. He changes his opinion about that the moment Dean steps back again.

“Turn around, Cas.”

Now _that_ is an order he is more then happy to follow. It’s easier for Castiel to get off the bed first than to turn around where he’s kneeling. As soon as his feet are on the ground and he’s turned back to the bed, Dean pressed up against his back. His hands are flat over his chest, fingers on a mission to tease Castiel’s nipples as much as they can. Dean rocks his erection against his ass while he mouths at what little of the back of his neck is exposed.

While he shouldn’t move without direction, Castiel can’t resist rolling his hips back against him. It’s only a matter of minutes know before he gets that delirious sensation of having Dean move in him and he _wants_ it. He wants his brain to flat line to the point that he doesn’t care about anything else except for the two of them. There’s nothing to worry about where his family, his job, his school, or his future are concerned. It’s just him and Dean and nothing else but making each other feel good.

Dean muffles a groan against his skin before he shoves him forward into a controlled fall, guiding Castiel down until he’s bent over the edge of the bed. He slides one knee onto the mattress at a time, shuffling forward until he’s presented to Dean like he was when he walked into the room. Castiel bites his lip and twists to look over his shoulder. He wants to see the reaction when the plug is finally revealed.

His body is already at the boiling point, but it only gets hotter as Dean’s hands slide along his sides. They come to a stop on his hips, his thumbs hiking the skirt up inch by inch as he presses kisses along Castiel’s spine. The moment is coming and he forces himself not to hold his breath as Dean stands back up. He knows the exact moment that he sees the plug. Dean goes still and his eyes widen a fraction. His hands slip from Castiel’s hips so he can spread him a little wider, perhaps to get a better lock.

After a few moments of staring, Dean raises his eyebrows and glances up to meet his eyes. A slow smirk slides into place. “What do we have here?” Castiel sucks in a sharp breath and bites back another other noises as Dean presses his thumb against the flared edge of the plug. He traces it with the curve of his nail. “This isn’t the vibrator.”

Oh God, there is no holding back sounds now. Castiel squeezes his eyes shut and groans loudly to rock back against the press of his thumb. It’s not what he wants, but it feels _so good_ – so good that he’s fairly sure that he stops breathing the moment Dean replaces his thumb with the wet slide of his tongue. Castiel keens his name and it’s only his hands that keep him from bucking back against that teasing press. He has no filter or control over his voice as Dean licks wetly over the base of the plug, his teeth dragging against sensitive skin.

The trembling reaches near dangerous levels as Dean uses his _teeth_ to start pulling the plug out. It’s an agonizingly slow process and Castiel actually gasps when it finally falls free. He doesn’t even care that it drops to the floor. As far as he is concerned, it no longer exists now that it’s no longer inside of him. Besides, the plug can easily be washed before they put it back in. Hopefully Dean will be as excited for a weekend of use of it as Castiel is.

Now isn’t the time to bring that up, not that he can really verbalize a question like that. Now that there’s no barrier between them, Dean wastes no time getting down to the task at hand. Castiel vaguely recognizes the click of the lube bottle being opened. It feels like no time at all before Dean is pushing in. He’s expecting it to be slow, or for him to drag things out, but it’s nothing like that. The initial burn draws a groan out of him, as Dean is most _definitely_ bigger than the plug, but that immediately cascades into a series of moans as he angles his hips and sets a steady, ruthless speed.

One hand slides under him, fingers circling Castiel’s erection in a tight, slick grip. Every snap of Dean’s hips pushes him forward into his fist and it’s downright _amazing_. He was waiting for so long and now he’s being hit with all the sensations from every direction. His body is fire; lava in his veins and a supernova burning in his belly. If he wasn’t wearing the cockring, he most certainly would have come within the first few minutes.

The storm building in his cut is only being held back by one stupid silicone ring. Castiel loves it and he hates it all at once. He wants to _come_ now, but he can’t bring himself to ask for it. Dean must be reading his mind, because there are quite suddenly two hands on his erection. They’re pulling the ring off and, within moments, the storm is at its peak. There’s lightning in his limbs and Castiel turns his face into the sheets to muffles Dean’s name with a shout. His body goes taut and every muscle trembles violently as he comes, straining against the pleasure burning through him.

It’s not until afterwards, when he’s cognizant enough to realize that Deans isn’t move in him anymore, that he notices one crucial thing. The condom is still on the bed, sitting only a few inches from his nose when he turns his head again. Dean is bent over his back with his forehead pressed between the wings of his tattoo, every breath rasping in his throat. There’s something hot and warm on the skin of his ass and it slowly dawns on Castiel that Dean came _on_ him.

With a shudder, Dean’s breath washes across his spine. “Jesus Christ, Cas. You sure know how to rev a guy’s engines.”

That’s quite a compliment, but Castiel doesn’t have the energy to respond at the moment. His whole body, from the tips of his toes to the ends of his hair, is tingling violently. He really needs to work himself up a lot _before_ they have sex all the time, because feeling like this is absolutely _fantastic_. Denying himself beforehand always seems to leave him absolutely wrecked and he wants it to always be like this. And, if possible, he’d like to do this to Dean too. _Every time_.

Now, though, he’s not sure if he can properly move. Castiel wavers slightly, tilting from one side to the other as he tries to decide if it’s a good idea to simply flop over or if he should stay like this. He doesn’t want to get the skirt dirty – if it’s not already. Unlike Dean, he didn’t exactly _aim_ when he was coming. All he knows is that it is most likely all over in Dean’s hands. Probably. And the sheets absolutely need to be changed now. If not for the come, then definitely for the sweat. Castiel can feel it cooling across his back. It feels nice after feeling like he was boiling in his skin for so long.

“Hey, just –” Dean places a hand on his hip to steady him as he reaches over to pull open a bedside drawer. “Just hold on, Cas. I’ll clean you up.

He fumbles for a few moments before the cool touch of a wet wipe rubs over the back of Castiel’s thighs. It swipes up and over his ass a few times before Dean’s hands are at his wrists, pulling the handcuffs apart. Oh, but that feels good. Castiel didn’t even realize how sore his arms were starting to get until they fall to the mattress. As soon as that happens, he rocks to one side and drops. It feels nice to just rest for a few minutes as Dean busies himself with wiping himself down and doing up his pants.

While he would prefer not to move for the rest of tonight, Castiel knows that he needs to get up. If he wants to keep this weekend going like he plans to, he needs to clean the plug and put it back in. There’s still several hours between now and when they go to bed. That’s plenty of time for Dean to end up wanting to have sex again. The chances of that happening before they go to sleep are astronomically high – or at least just _very_ high.

With a sigh, Castiel starts to push himself up. Almost immediately, Dean reaches out to stop him. “Relax, Cas. I’ve got this.”

Yes, he has the rest of the cleaning covered, but he doesn’t know about Castiel’s plans. He shakes his head and tries to brush his hand off. “I need to clean the –”

“I said; I’ve got this.” Dean pats him on the thigh and crouches to pick up the plug.

He gets another wet wipe out of the drawer and uses it to give the plug a thorough clean. Once done, he holds it out for inspection; a proud smile on his lips. When Castiel reaches for it, he holds it out of reach and pushes his hands back. “Just relax, Cas. I can put this away.”

“I want to put it back in me.” It’s time to announce his plans for the weekend and Castiel says it with a pout. That always makes Dean hesitate and, as always, it works wonders.

That brief pause gives him a chance to grab take the plug back. Dean’s jaw goes slack and he watches with wide eyes as Castiel rolls onto his back again. He uses a generous amount of lube on the plug before he lifts his hips to work it back in. A gasp catches in his throat as he bites his bottom lip and squeezes his eyes shut. A bolt of _oh God_ zings along his spine, making him twitch. It seems he’s still rather sensitive down there and every sensation feels magnified. Even though he’s fully spent right now, his body wants to react to that full feeling again.

Once it’s all in, Castiel relaxes and finally chances another glance at Dean. His expression hasn’t changed aside from the flush climbing his cheeks. It’s a look that he _loves_ to see; desire and wanting and surprise all rolled into one. Dean’s hands twitch at his sides, as if he’s holding back from reaching out and touching. That’s quite a shame, really. He’s fully welcome to touch anything and everything he desires. As if Castiel would ever be able to turn him away.

With that in mind, he does his best to stretch in an alluring manner. He tilts a smile at him and hums. “We’ve got all weekend, Dean.” His spine pops as he arches his back and he groans quietly, more for Dean than for himself. “We’ve got all weekend and you can use me whenever you want.”

In general, Castiel doesn’t actually like the idea of being _used_. That makes him sound like he’s nothing more than a tool to Dean and he wants to be so much more than that. He knows that Dean wouldn’t ever think of him as being used _only_ for sex, and especially not like the woman in that porno. But since that porno was on Dean’s computer, it’s possible that _he_ likes the idea of having someone available for sex whenever he feels like it. The term might have a different interpretation to him and that’s what Castiel is hoping for.

Except Dean doesn’t seem to be having the kind of reaction that was expected. He thought Dean would get that _hungry_ look to him, or that he would perhaps pounce on him. He expected immediate touching and kissing. He expected him to be excited. Or, at the very least, Castiel expected him to tell him that he’s worth more than something to be _used_ like it could be discarded afterwards.

Of all the many different ways he thought Dean could react, the lack of a response is starting to make him uncomfortable. He’s not getting _anything_ and his paranoia is starting to build up. The longer Dean just stands there staring at him, the more Castiel can’t help but wonder if that means that he doesn’t want to do this? Is he losing interest? Or is he turned off by this idea and he’s just trying to think of a way to tell Castiel that they’re done? Did he just ruin everything?

The questions batter his mind in droves until Dean swallows thickly and sits on the edge of the bed. “So, that’s why you have a plug?” He turns and reaches out, fingers skimming up Castiel’s thigh. His body reacts almost unconsciously and his legs spread of their own accord. It gives Dean the space to trace around the base of the plug. “They’ve got some rules to them, y’know. Did you read up on them?”

Of course he did. Castiel isn’t much in the practice of doing something that he hasn’t educated himself on first. He nods with a shiver and takes a deep breath. “Yes, sir. I did plenty of research and I know my limits. I’ll be careful.”

“Good.” Dean hums as slides closer and leans in to kiss him.

It’s too short and too sweet. As he starts to sit back, Castiel lifts after him, chasing that kiss. He stops himself almost immediately and forces himself to lay back against the pillows again. The collar is still an obvious weight around his neck and he needs to remember his place right now. His self control doesn’t go unnoticed and Dean’s smile turns soft. With some shuffling to avoid the wet spots on the sheets, he slides into place right next to Castiel.

Now that they’re side by side like this and the sexual heat of the moment has passed, it becomes apparent that Dean is a little bit in need of a shower. While Castiel doesn’t overly mind the smell of the garage, it’s clear that his skin is permeated with the smell of gasoline and oil, of sweat and leather from his jacket and car. They’re not exactly pungent, and they’re all smells that remind Castiel of Dean. If it gets overpowering, he can always suggest that they take a shower together.

For now, Castiel is more than happy to let Dean draw him into a series of kisses, each one soft and perfect. It’s a slow make out session, and it’s exactly the kind that he loves. These are the kind of kisses that make Castiel feel like he’s something _more_ to Dean than just sex, regardless of what their agreement was. These are the kind of kisses that keep building up his hope well against his wishes, even though he clings to it.

Maybe – just _maybe_ – one day Dean might love him back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:
> 
> \- blow job  
> \- anal fingering  
> \- bondage  
> \- gagging  
> \- sex toys  
> \- collaring  
> \- bottom!Cas


	42. Chapter 42

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He’s at a loss for words and it’s even difficult to simply breathe as Dean pulls him against his chest. Lips replace the collar against the back of his neck. “I like it when you’re just being you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings at the bottom of the chapter**
> 
> This chapter takes place between, during, and after [Chapter 24](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/5851493) and [Chapter 25](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/5943446) of the _A Little Patience_ story line.

“I’m making a rule for this weekend.” Dean makes the announcement as his fingertips skate featherlight down Castiel’s spine.

He pauses on the edge of the bed, not just because of the touch but because of the words. Castiel’s heart starts pounding and he puts off standing up. His mind races ahead, trying to predict what kind of rule he’s going to have to follow for this weekend. The collar is still resting around his throat and he swallows against it, holding his breath to wait for Dean to continue.

The rule is preceded by a kiss pressed to Castiel’s lower back, Dean’s hand sliding around to rest on his thigh. “This is gonna be a no pants weekend.” His fingers tease at the skin of Castiel’s inner thigh, slowly circling higher. “Unless we’re going out, I don’t wanna see you in anything other than this skirt or your underwear. Same goes for me.”

Castiel tries very hard not to laugh, either in relief or surprise. That wasn’t quite what he was expecting, but it’s a good rule. He glances over his shoulder with a smile. “As you wish, sir.”

Dean hums happily and rolls onto his back again, taking his hands with him. Castiel stands and readjusts the skirt on his hips. It seems to have the tendency to bunch up around his waist when he’s lying down. He didn’t particularly enjoy that feeling, but having the swish of the hem against his skin is nice. Even nicer than that is the way Dean’s eyes linger, following him as he makes his way around the room to tidy the messes that they made.

They’ve been in bed for nearly half an hour now and it’s about time that they get up. Eventually they will have to eat supper, and Castiel probably should get some homework done tonight. He did his best not to have any for the weekend, but he can never escape the need to study. Aside from that, he should probably take the plug out now. From what he can tell, Dean isn’t exactly keen on another round yet. Maybe in another hour or two, but for now it would be best if Castiel let his body rest.

By the time he has finished cleaning what he can, Dean has yet to move. Castiel stands at the end of the bed, consciously trying to minimize his presence in the room. He keeps his shoulders and his head down; his eyes averted as part of his play when he wears the collar. “May I be excused to use the washroom?”

Dean raises an eyebrow and he looks more amused than anything. “Yeah, sure.” He sits up and stretches his arms above his head. “I’m gonna move to the living room. You wanna watch anything with me?”

“If you would like me to.” Castiel shrugs and steals a chance to glance up. “There are a few chores I should get out of the way and some studying to do.” He ducks his head again. “But of course I’ll do whatever you want me to do, sir.”

There’s a moment of silence before Dean sighs and slides to the end of the bed, sitting so that Castiel is essentially standing between his legs. He reaches forward with both hands to push up the back of the skirt; fingertips seeking out the hard disk of the plug. “How long are you going to wear this for? It’s not good to wear it for too long.”

“I should only wear it for thirty minutes at a time.” With some effort, Castiel manages to hold himself still instead of leaning into Dean’s hands. “And have the same amount of time in between, if not longer. I read up thoroughly on the subject and I’m certain that a schedule like that will not have a negative impact on my body.”

Dean slides his hands to Castiel’s hips as he stands. A smile spreads as he leans in to kiss him. It’s short but sweet. “Good.” He turns Castiel around and pats him on the ass a few times to make him start walking. “Now go clean yourself up. I’m going to get something to drink. You want anything?”

“Just water is fine for me, thank you.”

They leave the bedroom together but split up in the hallway. Once he’s alone in the bathroom, Castiel sags against the counter with a sigh. He stares at his reflection in the mirror, taking in the collar stark against his neck and how utterly _ruined_ his hair has become. Dean always seems to mess it up as much as physically possible when they have sex. His hands hardly ever stay out of it. Should he even try and make an attempt to tame it before he’s done in here?

Colour starts to creep into Castiel’s cheeks and he has to look away. He can’t recall the last time, if ever, that he put himself so on display for Dean as he did earlier. Has he ever been that _bold_? Sam was still home when he was readying himself in the bedroom. What if he had been _caught_? Embarrassment and an edge of shame start to ring his ribs and Castiel firmly stomps down on those feelings. Nothing bad happened and he _enjoyed_ the thrill he got from earlier.

Thank God that he has his chores to distract him from thinking. It’s not a whole lot, but he can focus on the dusting and vacuuming instead of letting his mind wander. First and foremost, he focuses on taking the plug out and washing it. Castiel doesn’t have much of a plan for what to do with it when he’s not wearing it. He could probably just leave it next to the sink since Sam won’t be coming home today and Dean shouldn’t mind that it’s there.

While he might think it a little weird, that’s exactly what he ends up doing. By the time he wanders into the living room, Dean has his feet up on the coffee table. There’s a can of Coca Cola in one hand and a bottle of water in the other, which he immediately holds out to him. He takes it with a quiet thank you and downs half of it in one go. Apparently he was thirstier than he thought he was.

When a hand slides up his thigh again, he nearly chokes on his mouthful of water. Dean doesn’t take his eyes off the TV as his free hand traces the curve of Castiel’s ass. There’s a wicked tilt to his smile as he gives a good, solid squeeze. With some difficulty, Castiel does his best not to react. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, trying to keep himself steady as Dean’s fingers slip between the cheeks.

There is _no way_ he could possibly be aroused again already, is there? Personally, Castiel isn’t getting much from this. His body is spent for now. He might be able to react in another thirty or sixty minutes, but most definitely hasn’t recovered yet. If his body isn’t going to play along, at least Castiel can still use his hands or his mouth if Dean really does need it.

His mind is already spiraling ahead, trying to predict what kind of requests might come his way. It proves to be all for naught. Dean teases at his hole for a moment before he drops his hand. “Just checking.”

Castiel feels oddly disappointed, yet also relieved. “I understand.” He shifts on his feet in an attempt to shake the distracting memory of Dean’s hands on his body. “Is it alright if I dust and vacuum now, sir?”

“Not yet.” Dean glances up and pats the cushion next to him. “Come sit with me and relax for a bit. We still have the whole weekend to do the cleaning.”

As if he would ever say no to that. Castiel takes his seat and immediately finds himself being drawn against Dean’s side by an arm around his shoulders. He ends up with his head on his shoulder and a hand in his hair again. Dean cards his fingers through it in a gentle sweep, petting and massaging his scalp in a random pattern. It feels divine and Castiel basks in the feeling. There’s nothing wrong with taking a little time to enjoy Dean’s company before they do their own thing.

*

Dean’s breath is hot against his shoulder and the arm around his waist draws him in even closer. Castiel gasps at the loose curl of fingers around his erection and he drops his head back at the sparks that start singing through his veins. He didn’t expect to get hard again after the blow job Dean gave him before dinner, yet the evidence shows that he most certainly can. It must be because of Dean. Watching him squirm throughout dinner, albeit a rather short one, was _very_ arousing.

Despite being the one wearing the collar, Castiel took a truly perverse amount of pleasure with teasing Dean while he was trying to eat. It took a lot of control not to accidentally push too hard with his foot and crush some rather delicate parts of Dean’s anatomy, but he thinks he did well enough. The half eaten plate of spaghetti sitting behind him on the table is proof enough of that.

He hasn’t been riding Dean for very long, but already Castiel’s legs are starting to ache. The muscles in his thighs are burning with trying to keep the pace. This position isn’t one that he enjoys too much. His hips rock back and forth, eliciting more of a grind than the usual thrust. While it’s true that he could easily just bounce in Dean’s lap to achieve what he want, even that wouldn’t give him the oh so satisfying and all too thrilling sensation he gets when he can _feel_ Dean moving in him.

Castiel likes the long strokes the best; the kind where he can feel every inch when Dean pushes deep and almost pulls out before slamming back in again. The slap of skin against skin when their bodies connect is always a heady rush for him. This position has _none_ of that. The only thing it has going for it is that he’s facing Dean and they’ve done quite a bit of kissing.

A displeased groan rumbles unbidden in his throat the moment Dean brings both hands to his ass, gripping it tight to bring him to a stop. Why in the _world_ would he want to stop? Despite the position not being the greatest, it was still getting the job done. The heat was building and growing tight in his belly – which is surprising, considering how he came only a little while ago. Normally he would complain that Dean stopped them, but he’s not allowed to do that when he’s wearing the collar. The most he can do is bite his lip and direct a pout at Dean.

That only earns him a smile, which is quickly followed by a kiss. It’s hard to be upset that Dean is lifting him out of his lap when he’s turning Castiel’s brain to mush with that talented tongue of his. He’s not entirely sure how it happens, but by the time he can think again he finds himself sitting on the edge of the kitchen counter and his legs are hooked over Dean’s arms. Those gold-green eyes are staring into him and it’s heating Castiel right down to his very core.

“Touch yourself, Cas.” Dean’s voice is soft, but he can feel the words form against his lips before they’re kissing again.

Even though he’s not supposed to do anything without Dean’s permission first, Castiel can’t stop himself from reaching up to wrap an arm around his shoulders, the other moving between them as he was told to do. Every breath is a struggle between their kisses as they start to rock together again, but still he finds himself the ability to keep up a mantra of Dean’s name. This is everything he was wanting just minutes ago. It’s almost as if Dean was able to read his mind about it and that’s just one more thing Castiel loves about him.

He’s never really had to say what he likes. Dean reads him just from their times together and he just _knows_. Much the same as how Castiel can tell when he’s getting close. He can tell from the way Dean’s breathing changes subtly to how his hips lose their rhythm; from the way his body tenses and he starts to choke on Castiel’s name. As soon as that starts, he hooks his ankles in the small of Dean’s back and holds him in place.

The knowledge of each other goes both ways. He knows, without a doubt, that Dean’s gut reaction when he’s about to come is to pull out. Tonight, he doesn’t want that. Castiel is planning to take a shower immediately after this, so it’s perfectly alright  to have Dean come inside him. Strangely enough, he _likes_ the feeling. It’s not very obvious, but there’s a liquid hot sensation that fills his belly whenever he is – what’s the term? It’s a type of pie; he knows that much because he thought it was amusing considering how much Dean loves pie.

Castiel draws him into a tight kiss, doing his best to distract him as he flexes every muscle he’s got. When Dean comes to a stop, he takes up the movement and rocks his hips slowly. His own hand is working quickly on his erection, hoping to reach that glorious edge as close to Dean as he can. He fancies that he can almost feel Dean twitching inside of him as he comes. It’s a dizzying sensation compounded with that soft sounds being made against his lips.

That spurs his own orgasm and Castiel is rather loud about it. He shivers and shakes between Dean’s arms; making a mess over his hand and on across his stomach. Every muscle in his body instantly feels weak; tingling and sparking with pleasure. Slowly, Dean drops his legs. It takes Castiel a few moments to feel steady enough to stand again, but he’s in no rush to move. There would be so much more cuddling right now if they were on a bed. He would prefer that, but this is okay too. Castiel can already feel the mess Dean made inside him making its way out.

After a few minutes of simply breathing together, he gathers the energy to actually speak. “May I be excused to the bathroom, sir?”

“Yeah, you go clean up.” Dean presses a kiss just shy of the corner of his mouth. “I’ll take care of the kitchen. If you need help, just give me a shout, okay?”

Castiel hums and nods. His legs feel abnormally weak as he gathers the abandoned plug and makes his way to the bathroom. After all they’ve done today, he’s desperately craving a shower. Sweat is congealing on his skin in various places and he feels hot and sticky basically everywhere. Honestly, the clean up afterwards is one of the biggest downsides to sex. If everything could just be cuddles and kisses and affection after with nothing else, he’d be much happier.

With the use of the toilet seat to keep him upright, Castiel manages to get the shower turned on. He leaves it on warm, almost bordering on cold if only to help him cool down. For the first several minutes of the shower, he stays seated on the bottom of the tub and relaxes. Now that his collar is off, he can let himself relax at least a little bit and not have to focus so much on holding himself or acting in a certain way. He never really realized just how consuming that could be until he decided to wear it for an extended period of time.

Though he does enjoy wearing it, Castiel can’t ignore the nagging voice pointing out that _Dean_ doesn’t seem to like it. Well, he _must_ like it at least a little bit, otherwise he would have asked him to take it off by now. The only problem is that Dean just isn’t reacting to it like expected. He thought it would be like the videos, or at the very least that Dean would be more _pleased_ that he has full access to Castiel’s body then he’s appeared to be thus far.

There could be any number of reasons for it and he doesn’t want to think about it. He wants to enjoy this weekend and not overthink everything. Castiel will just have to stick to his plan and hope things work out. If Dean is all about communication in events like this, then he’ll most certainly voice his displeasures if he has any. That becomes his mantra as he finally gets to his feet again and turns the heat up a bit. He’s never going to get out of this shower if he just keeps sitting here.

Castiel knew that Dean would most likely join him in the shower after he was done with the kitchen. Regardless, he still starts in surprise when the curtain is pulled back; more startled by the suddenness than anything else. He smiles brightly and reaches out for him as Dean steps over the edge of the tub. They pull the curtain back into place together as they lean together. The kissing starts again almost immediately; soft, wet, and perfect as hands begin to wander.

Every touch is innocent. They’re curious and gentle; comfort over sexual. Castiel takes his time with it, humming to himself as he clean Dean up with shampoo and soap. He’s the one who got him all dirty in the first place, so it’s only right that he’s the one who cleans him up too. That and he never gets tired of how Dean always melts under his hands; leaning into the touches and practically purring. He’s likely one of those people who _really_ enjoys a massage, and that’s something Castiel should perhaps look into learning how to do one day. After all, he _does_ enjoy having Dean pliant and loose beneath him.

He makes a mental note to remember that for another day. For now, he’ll enjoy the shower for what it’s worth and shake off any feelings of doubt he has regarding the weekend.

*

The pulse under his cheek is a steady beat, lulling Castiel further and further towards the warm embrace of sleep. It doesn’t help matters that he feels so utterly _comfortable_ beneath his blanket. He and Dean have been cuddled up beneath it for most of the evening, watching movies almost non-stop since the end of their shower. By his reckoning, it’s not all all _that_ late, but there’s no denying that they’ve both had a rather full day.

After a yawn that makes his ears pop and his jaw creak, Castiel rubs his cheek over Dean’s heart and hums and ducks further under the blanket. “I’m sleepy.”

“Yeah?” One of Dean’s hands starts rubbing circles in the small of his back and the other squeezes his fingers where they’re linked together. “Do you wanna go to bed?”

“It’s either that, or I’m going to be falling asleep right here.” He huffs a laugh that turns into yet another yawn, making it what has to be the fifth in as many minutes.

Dean lets go of his hand to wrap him in both arms. He drags his fingers up along his spine in a tickle that makes Castiel squirm. “I hope you’re not expecting me to carry you to bed.”

As tempting as that sounds, he’s not _that_ sleepy. Castiel pushes himself up onto his hands and knees, being careful not to accidentally press on any sensitive areas. “That would be nice, but I believe I can walk.” His hips don’t hurt all that badly from their early escapades. He has an ache or two here and there, but nothing altogether crippling. 

“Yeah, okay.” Warm hands ghost across the sides of his face before slipping up into Castiel’s hair. A smile tilts Dean’s lips as he sits up enough for a soft, quick kiss. “Let’s go to bed.”

It’s entirely unfair just how hard those few words make Castiel’s heart pound. He’s almost certain that Dean can hear it, but neither one of them makes mention of it. The cursed thing doesn’t calm down until they’re settling down for the night. Castiel has opted to switch out the skirt for his boxers, as all it did while they were on the couch was ride up. It was just altogether annoying and he’d much rather go to bed in his boxers.

Castiel puts the plug on the side table before he crawls into bed. Dean raises an eyebrow at him and he shrugs, pulling the blanket over himself. “I don’t like the way the skirt bunches up when I’m lying down.”

He pauses and glances to the chair at the desk where he hung the skirt until tomorrow, if he chooses to wear it again. Is Dean drawing attention to it because he misses it? Or is there another reason involved behind that look? “Do you want me to wear it?”

“It’s fine.” Dean reaches out to pull him closer. “If you’re not comfortable, then you don’t have to wear it. It’s more important that you’re comfortable, okay?” His hand slides over Castiel’s shoulder before coming to a rest on the back of his neck. In a moment, he has the collar undone and he’s turning to put it aside. “Don’t wear this while you’re sleeping. You can have it back in the morning.”

“Alright.” While he does have a point, Castiel can’t help but be a little disappointed. Dean really has not shown the same affinity for the collars as he has. He hasn’t outright said that he doesn’t want to use them, but he doesn’t seem particularly _in_ to that particular play. Maybe Castiel should lay off on it for the rest of the weekend? No, no. He already made his decision and he won’t go back on it unless Dean tells him to. That’s the game, isn’t it?

With a yawn, Castiel turns over and makes himself comfortable against Dean’s chest. There’s just something entirely too calming about being the little spoon. He does enjoy getting to hold Dean whenever he’s the big spoon, but being held is rather nice in its own regard. Castiel is more than happy to fall asleep like this, but there is one issue that has not been addressed yet. He’s reminded of it when a kiss gets dropped to the back of his neck.

“Dean?”

“Yeah?”

Castiel twists to look over his shoulder, making out Dean’s shape in the darkness. “You didn’t kiss me goodnight properly.” And that is utter travesty. He doesn’t normally get a goodnight kiss because of the circumstances of their living arrangements, but Sam isn’t here right now and there is _nothing_ that should be stopping them from having that.

Dean laughs softly under his breath as he gets up on one elbow to lean over him. Castiel rolls over to meet him, reaching up so he can hold him in place so it’s just not one kissing. He just can’t seem to get enough of kissing Dean. It’s just so _nice_ and it’s so very hard to think that there’s nothing but sex between them when they share these soft kisses, or when Dean pulls him close as he settles back to the bed afterwards.

“I thought you were sleepy.”

“I am.” He muffles a yawn behind his hand and turns onto his side again so Dean can press up against his back once more. “But your kisses are better than sleep.”

“You flatterer.” Dean chuckles and actually _nuzzles_ his hair.

To him it might just be an insignificant action, but to Castiel it is entirely different. His heart skips a beat or two and he has to take a deep breath to calm it down. It would do him no good to get his hopes up just because they’re sharing a bed tonight. Castiel already knows that Dean is affectionate, and that likely applies to just about everyone he sleeps with. He needs to remind himself that he isn’t a special case. He’s a _convenience_.

But it’s so hard to feel like that when Dean’s hand is on his stomach and his thumb is sweeping back and forth in a gentle caress. Or when he’s breath is warm against the back of his neck. It brings a smile to his face and Castiel makes the executive decision to only focus on the _good_ things right now. Things like trying to lure Dean into more affectionate gestures.

If one piece of flattery gets him nuzzled, what would more do? “Will that get you to kiss me more?”

“In the morning. You wore me out tonight and I’m tired now.” Dean breaks with a yawns and squeezes him in a hug. “If you’re planning or hoping for more sex in the morning, _I’m_ bottoming, okay? Give your ass a rest.”

It’s Dean’s wording that forces a short laugh out of him. While he fully supports the idea of Dean bottoming, that wasn’t exactly included in the plan for this weekend. If that’s what he truly wants, then of course Castiel is going to go along with him. And if they do have sex in the morning, hopefully he’ll actually be in the mood to top. Sometimes he just _really_ prefers being on the receiving end.

Castiel can feel Dean’s smile form against the back of his neck. “And remember, if you have any _special_ plans again, let me know first, okay?”

“I will. I promise.” He places his hand over the one on his stomach, their fingers lacing together. Castiel doesn’t have anything new or special planned for the rest of the weekend – or at least nothing that he can recall at the moment. He _is_ rather tired, to be fair.

“Good night, Dean.” Castiel hums softly and brings Dean’s hand up to kiss his palm.

Despite teetering on the edge of sleep, a thrill still spirals through him as he’s hugged again. Dean squeezes their fingers together and his lips move against the back of his neck. “G’night, Cas.”

He can’t help but think that if he was ever going to be loved by Dean, this is what it would feel like.

*

Castiel pokes his head into the kitchen and pauses with his mouth open. Dean is standing at the stove, his sweat pants breaking his rules about _no pants_.  Eggs and bacon are cooking in the same pan on the stove as his hips sway side to side; humming to himself. There’s a smile on his lips too, though only half of it can be seen from this angle. Butterflies start flitting between Castiel’s ribs at such a simple sight. It’s just so _nice_ to see Dean look happy, whether it be post-orgasmic bliss or otherwise.

Honestly, he’s rather relieved to see Dean so satisfied. Castiel had been a little worried that he would be in trouble for having clearly prepared to be on the receiving end this morning. It’s not _entirely_ his fault. He just woke up very much in the mood to have Dean fill him, as had been his plan for the whole weekend. But he’s already been thoroughly lectured and chastised for that decision. They’ve most certainly made up by now, and they both got what they wanted out of the morning. It turned out _wonderfully_ , even if their clean up shower afterwards was short.

“Just put the laundry basket by the door.” Dean throws Castiel a short glance when he finally spots him out of the corner of his eye. “I’ll take them to the laundry room while you serve this up.”

That’s a fine direction, and he nods in acknowledgement, but it’s not the question that he was going to ask. “I’m going to put new sheets on the bed. Do you have a preference to which ones I should use?”

“Pick whatever you want.” Dean shrugs and returns his attention to flipping the bacon.

The bread is in the toaster when he heads off to go wash the laundry. Castiel stands watch as the bacon and eggs continue to sizzle on the stove. They’re not exactly ready yet, but he’s been instructed to keep watch. While Dean is gone, he prepares the toast and pours out two tall glasses of milk. For Dean, he mixes in some chocolate syrup to make it just that little bit more tantalizing. It’s not _necessary_ for him to drink it, but Castiel knows that’s how Dean likes it.

When he’s putting the milk jug back in the fridge, his eyes linger on the canister of whipped cream on the door and container of cherries on one of the shelves. Honestly, Castiel should have remembered them when he got the syrup from the cupboard and he’s surprised that he didn’t. Maybe later this afternoon he can put together that little surprise. It’s the kind of surprise he doesn’t think Dean was referring to when he said that he wanted to know ahead of time what might happen.

Dean returns from starting the laundry shortly after Castiel has finished buttering the toast. He sets the timer on the microwave before taking his seat at the table. Castiel divides the eggs and bacon equally between two plates. Unlike their meal last night, today they sit side-by-side at the table. Their elbows bump on occasion, but that’s mostly on purpose. Dean is most certainly leaning towards him and Castiel can’t help but do the same.

At first they focus on the meal, but a conversation does strike up soon enough. It’s nothing special, just discussion any plans they might have for the day. Castiel purposefully doesn’t mention the cherry and chocolate syrup, but aside from that, neither of them really has anything set for the rest of the morning or even the afternoon. They’ve gone into this weekend with next to no planning at all and even Dean seems a little weird about it.

“I’m sure I’ll think of something good we can do in a bit.” He takes Castiel’s empty plate to the sink and rinses them under the tap. “Is there anything you _don’t_ want to do?”

Castiel sits back in his chair to think. “I don’t believe so.”

“If you think of something, let me know.” Dean dries his hands on his sweatpants as the timer goes off. “Hey, can you rinse the pan too? I’ll go throw the sheets in the dryer.”

There’s one thing to be said about the laundry machines in this building. They’re high efficiency, ridiculously quick, and only cost fifty cents per machine. The machines in his dorm used to be nearly a dollar each and Castiel was pleased to learn that wasn’t the norm. It was maybe one of the things he was concerned about when he ended up moving out of the school dorms.

Dean kisses the top of his head on his way out of the kitchen. Castiel does as he was asked, though he also fills the sink part way with soapy water and starts on actually cleaning things. He starts with the pan first, scrubbing the bacon grease and crusty egg bits away. By the time Dean gets back, Castiel has already started on cleaning the plates. The glasses, the pan, and their utensils are already drying in the rack at the edge of the sink.

As soon as the plates are done and Castiel’s hands are dried, Dean takes him by the wrist. He doesn’t know what to expect at first, but he’s a little surprised to find that he’s being led to the bedroom. Is Dean ready for another round now? Whatever it is, he can’t help but smile at the earnest look of determination in Dean’s eyes. Castiel didn’t put the plug in after their shower and he’s briefly concerned about that – right up until Dean takes his collar off. The next to go is the skirt, and then he’s shoved into the bed with the covers being drawn over him.

“It’s nap time, Cas.” Dean flashes him with a bright smile as he shimmies out of his own clothes. “The sex was great, the food was good, and now we deserve a goddamn nap.”

“I suppose I could sleep.” Castiel stretches out under the blanket, waiting for Dean to join him. “I make no promises, but I’ll stay with you if you want.”

That seems good enough. Dean flashes him a smile as he climbs into bed too. He pauses first to open the window, letting the cooler autumn air make the curtains flutter. It’s cooler outside than it is inside, but not by much. Considering that they’re both naked and about to cuddle a lot, it make sense to get some cooler air in the room. Otherwise they’ll be sweating shortly and the snuggling will come to a quick end. Frankly, Castiel thinks they should get a nice AC fan to set up in the bedroom so they can keep cuddling without hearing the sounds of the street with an open window.

Unlike last night, Dean turns his back to him. It’s his wordless way of saying that he wants to be the little spoon. Castiel curls his arms around him, drawing Dean against him. With every kiss he places to the back of his neck, he can feel him relax. Surprisingly, it’s only a few minutes until Dean’s is softly snoring again. He really _was_ sleepy, it seems.

While it takes Castiel much longer to fall into a doze, he doesn’t mind. These sleepy moments mean the world to him and he wouldn’t trade them for anything.

*

With the chocolate syrup and the whipped cream, their kisses have become almost sickenly sweet. It makes Castiel’s teeth hurt. He’s always been more of a savoury kind of person, as Gabriel seems to taken the world’s supply of sweet tooth genes. Dean, however, seems to revel in it. In no time at all, he had licked Castiel as clean as he could, even sucking the cherry right off his naval. Interestingly enough, he apparently knows how to tie a cherry stem into a knot.

Castiel is playing with the knotted stem now as Dean wipes him down with a warm cloth. They’re both going to have to take yet _another_ shower once they’ve cleaned up the kitchen. For now, Castiel isn’t too sure that he would be able to walk. He’s also not sure why the kitchen and the bedroom are the only two places they’ve had sex this weekend, especially considering how sore his back is after being taken yet again on the table.

Sam would hate them if he knew what they’ve done in here.

“Here, give me that. I’ll throw it out.” Dean holds his hand out for the cherry stem and Castiel dutiful hands it over. After a moment, Dean grins and raises his eyebrows teasingly. “One day I’ll teach you how to do this.”

“I look forward to it.” Castiel sits up slowly and pushes out his chest to curve his spine, making it pop pleasingly. “Would you like to shower now, sir?” He knows _he_ wants it. Sugary stickiness is far worse than sweat stickiness and his skin is itching uncomfortably with the need to be clean.

After throwing the stem into the trash, Dean rinses his cloth in the sink. “First the kitchen, then us.” He turns and gestures for Castiel to get off the table and the plastic-like table cloth clipped to it. “Let me wipe that down before we fold it up and put it back in the closet.”

“We should use the disinfectant wipes for that.” He fetches them from under the sink, knowing how upset Sam would be with that kind of shoddy cleaning job on something they use to eat off of when they go camping or to the beach.

Once they’ve cleaned up and the kitchen looks like they were never there, Castiel leads Dean to the bathroom. As he’s taking off the collar, Dean presses up behind him and nibbles at the back of his neck. “After this, you wanna go out?”

Castiel’s breath catches in his throat and he pauses with putting the collar on the counter. “Out?”

“Mmhmm.” Dean’s hands glance over his stomach and hips in a gentle touch, his lips glancing across his skin. “We could catch the bus and I’ll show you my favourite diner. They’ve got the best burger and pie you’ll ever eat. It’s on the other side of town, but it’ll be super fun. Maybe we could even catch a movie on the way home.” He turns Castiel around to face each other. “What do you think?”

If he didn’t know better, he really would think that Dean is asking him out on a date. A late lunch and a movie sounds _exactly_ like a date and it honestly sounds fantastic. They’ve never  gone to a theater together before. He’s only ever been to one with Jess and Sam, or Gabriel. Eating out together is nothing new, but this sounds so very _different_ than that.

He can feel a blush rising in his cheeks and his heart is beating a staccato rhythm against his ribs. Castiel bumps his forehead against Dean’s and kisses him softly. Hopefully the kiss will take the blame for why his voice sounds so breathy when he answers him. “That sounds like a fun afternoon.”

“Awesome.” Dean breaks into a bright smile and kisses him again. “Then let’s make this shower quick. I just worked up a hell of an appetite and that bus ride isn’t exactly going to be short.”

That said, Castiel honestly didn’t think they would be in and out of the shower within what has to be five minutes. They scrub each other down and rinse their hair, but they don’t actually wash it. There’s none of their usual making out , touching, or enjoying of the hot water. In fact, that’s not the only thing that feels a little rushed. Once the shower is done, they’re both ready to go.

While Dean is dressed in his standard jeans, t-shirt, and plaid over-shirt, Castiel is wearing jeans and a turtleneck. He doesn’t often wear this kind of shirt, but it’s necessary today. The collar has rubbed a few red spots into his neck that look a little _interesting_. Since he doesn’t much want lingering eyes and confused stares focused on him, he elects to cover it up with the shirt. Well, there’s that and the fact that he’s made the decision to wear the collar out of the apartment too. Castiel made a commitment to wearing it all weekend and he’s certainly going to continue to do it.

“You’re seriously going to wear that?” Dean rolls his eyes with a laugh when Castiel pulls on his trench coat. “C’mon, Cas, it’s not cold enough for that.”

As much as he loves this coat, if Dean doesn’t want him to wear it, then he’ll listen to him. That’s what he’s supposed to do when he’s wearing the collar, after all. Castiel starts to take it off, but Dean throws an arm around his shoulders and pulls him toward the door. “I’m just joking with you, buddy. Don’t worry about it. Now let’s get going. The bus is due in, like, ten minutes. We gotta go.”

He wasn’t joking when he said that the ride on the bus would be a long one. Nor was he kidding when he said that it was on the other side of town. They need to do a few transfers to get there, and it’s well over an hour by the time they get off the bus in front of the diner. Regardless, Castiel had a fun time. When possible, he and Dean would sit together side by side. It’s always so nice when he can get away with being close to Dean in public.

That said, Castiel’s whole world comes to a complete stop for a solid several seconds when Dean grabs his hand as they cross the parking lot to the diner. His heart trips over itself much the same as his feet do. His focus narrows down on the warm hand curled around his and he can barely take his eyes from it. Dean is holding his head. He is holding Castiel’s hand _in public_ of his own volition. There is literally no need for them to be holding hand right now, but the evidence is right there.

A blush is rising in Dean’s cheeks when he looks up at him. Castiel glances around to make sure that he is still indeed in the real world. Has this whole day been a dream? Goodness knows that holding hands does _not_ fall into their arrangement. He looks back to Dean again and then down at their hands. This is just so surreal and amazing and his brain is very much starting to short circuit.

Dean shrugs and he squeezes Castiel’s hand a little harder than necessary. “If you wanna – we could just – I mean –” He doesn’t seem to have any proper idea of how his sentence is going; speaking much like Castiel is feeling right now.

It’s all he can do not to smile normally and not look like he was just handed everything he could ever want. Castiel squeezes Dean’s hand in kind and that seems to make him relax a little, his smile turning easy. He turns forward again and they head into the diner together. There are no words to describe just how happy Castiel is with something as simple as holding hands. This is something Dean wanted to do and it is _not_ something he does with just anyone. Not once has he ever seen him hold Jess’s hand, or Sam’s, or – well – _anyone_.

A woman at the counter greets them with a smile as she’s pouring a couple coffees. “Afternoon, boys! Please grab any table or booth you’d like. Someone will be with you in just a minute.”

Dean leads the way to a booth against the windows and waits for Castiel to sit first. He takes off his coat first and folds it a few times before leaning over to place it on the far side of the bench. When he sits, Castiel doesn’t expect Dean to follow suite right next to him. They have a booth with benches on _both_ sides of the table, yet he makes the choice decision to share the same one. This is something they would do if they were eating with Sam and Jess, or even just Sam on his own. It is _not_ something Castiel has ever seen simple _friends_ do.

No, this is something that he would only ever see _couples_ do. That said, why in the world would Dean do this with him? They’re friends with benefits. Their arrangement has no room for this, yet here they are. Dean is most certainly sitting next to him at a booth of all things and it’s making his head reel. He can’t wrap his mind around it. There are just so few reasons as to _why_ Dean would do something like this and Castiel isn’t sure that his heart can handle the hope that would come with thinking what those reasons could possibly be.

Thankfully, their waitress approaches the booth to save him from thinking further. “Good afternoon! My name is Jenna and I’ll be serving you today.” She places a few menus at the end of the table and looks pointedly at the empty side of their booth. “Are you waiting for anyone else?”

“Nah, it’s just us.” Dean shrugs and passes one of the menus to Castiel. “I’ll have a coke.” He turns to him with a raised eyebrow. “Cas, what do you want? Coffee or an ice tea?”

Those are, undoubtedly, Castiel’s two favourite drinks to have whenever he’s out. He blinks for a few seconds, absorbing the fact that Dean actually knows what his favourite drinks happen to be. That makes him happier than it should and Castiel hopes that it doesn’t show on his face. Just in case, he ducks his head with the pretense of looking at the menu to hide it.

“An iced tea is fine, thank you.”

“I’ll be right back with your drinks.” Jenna heads off to the counter without another word.

Castiel scans the menu without actually taking in the options. He’s just too distracted; overloading with a variety of information that he can’t even begin to process right now. There’s a bubble swelling in his chest, making it feel tight and hard to breathe. Normally that would be a bad feeling, but this one is light and flighty, like he’s filled his lungs with clouds instead of air.

He needs to distract himself before he gives away what he might be thinking. Castiel takes a deep breath and nudges Dean to get his attention. He taps at the menu and throws him a curious look. “What are you having?”

“This.” Dean leans heavily into his side, sending a blush burning through Castiel’s cheeks. He grins and points at one of the burgers underneath the handheld section. “It’s awesome and they have a house sauce they put on it that tastes like mayo has sex with heaven and the sauce is their baby.”

He chokes on a laugh as he puts the menu down. Whatever is good for Dean is good for him, and he would rather like to try something that Dean was willing to bus across town to have. “I’ll have to try it. Though, you’re going to have the fries, aren’t you?” If that’s the case, Castiel will have the salad.

“Of course. They season them here with something and makes them taste like –”

Oh lord, he’s going to have another terrible analogy, isn’t he? Castiel would rather not have to listen to another one and he quickly covers Dean’s mouth with the palm of his hand. “Please, no more blasphemous descriptions. I’m not sure I’ll be able to eat if you do.”

This is pushing his boundaries of what he should be allowed to do while wearing the collar, so he makes sure to give him a teasing smile. A shudder shakes through him with a laugh when Dean presses his wet tongue to his hand. A few hours ago, he wouldn’t have minded that in the slightest. It’s a very different matter when they’re in the middle of a diner. Castiel wrinkles his nose and wipes his hand on his leg.

Jenna chooses then to return with their drinks. She places their glasses on the table and takes out a pad of paper and pen. “Have you decided on what you’re going to order?”

Before Castiel can open his mouth, Dean takes the menu from him and adds it to the other. “We’ll both have the crispy onion buffalo burger. Fries for me, side salad for him, and put the pickles from his burger on mine.” Dean grins at Jenna as he elbows Castiel teasingly in the side. “Seriously, don’t even let them touch his burger or he won’t touch it, right Cas?”

All he can do is keep his head down and try to hide his delight. Dean knows him far better than he ever thought and that makes him happier than he dare say.

“Sounds good.” Jenna laughs and finishes writing out the order. “If you need anything else, just flag me down. I won’t be far.”

“Thanks!” Dean waves her off and turns to Castiel again. “We’ll ask about the pie selections after we eat. I hope they have their apple. It tastes almost as good as mine. If they don’t have that, I totally recommend the blueberry, or the cherry. Whatever they’ve got is good. What’s your favourite?”

Castiel smothers a laugh and gives Dean a hopeless look. It’s no surprise that he’s focused on the pie. In his case, he doesn’t exactly have a preference when it comes to pie. He’ll eat any of them. He picks one at random, hoping that will be acceptable. “Pumpkin pie is nice.”

Dean stares him down for a few moments. “Pumpkin. _Really_?”

“Yes?”

“If that’s the way you want to be about it, fine.” He rolls his eyes and shakes his head, and then immediately breaks down laughing.

It takes Castiel a moment to realize that he’s simply teasing. He chuckles to himself and ducks his head again when Dean looks at him. After a moment of silence, Dean stands up. He gestures for Castiel to do the same. Confused, he stands and waits as Dean covers their drinks with their napkins. With that done, he takes Castiel by the hand and leads him across the diner to the bathrooms marker just off the end of the counter.

The bathroom is a unisex single toilet room. Dean pushes him through first and locks the door behind them. Castiel has no idea what’s going to happen, but there are very few reasons why _both_ of them are in the bathroom. Is it possible that Dean brought them here for a sexual reason? Aside from that blowjob in the backseat of the Impala in the parking garage, all the sex they’ve had has been contained to the apartment. They’ve never had sex in a public location like a diner bathroom. Is this something new that Dean wants to do?

Whatever it might be, Castiel steps close and reaches out to curl his fingers in Dean’s shirt where it hangs over his hips. Quite honestly, he is fairly certain he’s about to be on the receiving end of a kiss. As such, he’s _extremely_ taken aback by what actually happens.

“Kansas.”

Their safeword is like a slap in the face and Castiel steps back quickly. It’s like ice water has been dumped down his back. What did he do wrong? Was it something he said? Something he did? Is Dean somehow aware of the thoughts – the _hopes_ – that Castiel has been struggling not to have regarding everything that has happened today?

A lump rises in his throat and he somehow manages to find the voice to speak. “What’s wrong?”

Of everything that he could say or do, he does not expect for Dean to take him by the shoulder and turn him around.He pulls down the collar of Castiel’s turtleneck and undoes the collar. “We’re not doing this here. The collar is for the bedroom or at home whenever you’re in this kind of mood. I want you to just be _you_ while we’re out, okay?”

He’s at a loss for words and it’s even difficult to simply breathe as Dean pulls him against his chest. Lips replace the collar against the back of his neck. “I like it when you’re just being you.”

Something tingly and burning fills Castiel’s chest. Dean likes him as _him_ , not whatever role he takes on when the collars are involved. He wants to hold Castiel’s hand and sit next to him in an empty booth and – and – and _why_? Is there something going on that he isn’t aware of? Or is Dean actually – does he actually hold feelings for him and he’s now deciding to act on them? This feels like an honest to goodness _date_ now and Castiel can’t figure out what changed for Dean to start acting like this now.

Castiel’s confusion and hope mix together and he notes that it’s showing on his face in the mirror. He wipes his expression and as Dean lifts his head. Their eyes meet momentarily in the reflection before he turns to face him. Without the collar, he’s free to be the real him and the real Castiel wants to kiss Dean _right now_. He pushes him up against the door and carries that out none too gently. It’s open mouthed, rough, and just a little bit desperate. He want to know if he can taste a difference in their kisses to tell whether or not Dean’s feelings have changed.

Of course there’s no difference, but Dean does look a little dazed as they leave the bathroom. Castiel leads him by hand back to the table and their waiting food. Jenna and her co-workers behind the counter watch them on the walk back across the diner, but he acts like nothing has happened. Dean, on the other hand, is blushing and he keeps his head down until they’re seated again.

“These look _delicious_.” Castiel steals one of Dean’s fries and flashes him a smile before eating it. He’ll have to hand it to him, the seasoning really is quite good.

“Wait until you try the burger. _That’s_ the main show.” Dean both looks and sounds excited as he checks under the patty to ensure that he has pickles. He waits for Castiel to check his own before they dig in. Once again, it is absolutely as good as was described and Dean grins at him after the first bite. “See?”

Castiel covers his mouth with one hand until he’s finished chewing. Once done, he returns the grin with one of his own. “Congratulations. It actually lives up to its hype.”

“I don’t _always_ talk outta my ass.” Dean rolls his eyes and they both have a good laugh.

The first several bites of their meals are taken in relative silence until a decent conversation can be struck up. Eventually, it turns to what they should do after eating. Dean had thrown around the idea of attending a movie earlier and they take out one of their phones to browse theater locations and showtimes. Castiel really does _not_ keep up with movie releases and only recognizes perhaps one of the titles they come across. He leaves the actual selection up to Dean. Even if he doesn’t enjoy the movie, at least he can check off _movie date_ on his bucket list of things he wants to do together.

Said bucket list did not include a subcategory of _running_ out of the theater after being asked to leave by a theater worker, but that’s exactly what happens with roughly half an hour left to the movie. Castiel never even paid attention to the name of the movie or what it was about. The opening credits were still playing when he suggested that they make out since he’s never done that in a theater before. Of course Dean jumped on the chance. Well, actually, first he had a good laugh because Castiel called it _necking_ , but then things got a little bit heated.

In fact, if they had been able to keep their hands to themselves (or, more importantly, out of their clothes) and Castiel hadn’t spend most of the movie in Dean’s lap, they might not have been asked to leave. While he normally would hate being in trouble like that, he finds exhilarating as they run from the theater. They’re not exactly being chased out, but it’s still fun to act like they are. Castiel keeps his hold on Dean’s hand, dragging him to the bus stop.

They come to a stop next to the bench and Dean doubles over to breathe. He laughs and shakes his head. “Hooboy! Been a long time since that’s happened.”

“What? Running?” Castiel teases as a bus pulls up. He has no idea if it’s one they need or where it’s headed, but he gets on and flashes his bus pass regardless.

Dean doesn’t question the choice and follows wordlessly, dropping his fare into the change receptacle. “Don’t be an ass.” He sticks his tongue out and drops into one of the available seats.

Castiel laughs and slumps into the seat next to him, taking the window one he left open. His face feels hot from the rush of adrenaline, and his body still tingles with everywhere Dean had touched him in the theater. If he concentrates hard enough, he can even still feel the heat of Dean’s mouth on his neck; his tongue on his skin and the catch of teeth on his skin. He brings a hand to his neck and presses against that spot, unable to tell exactly why his skin feels hot there. Did Dean leave a mark? He _was_ fairly focused on that spot for a while.

A shiver shakes through him and his leg starts to bounce to burn off the excess energy. He turns to Dean with laugh. “I’ve never been told to leave any place like that. Is it always this exhilarating?”

“What makes you think I would know?” Dean’s tone is playful as he elbows Castiel in the side. All it takes is a raised eyebrow in response to make him break out in a grin. “Yeah, yeah. I get it. I have a _reputation_ for a reason.” He sighs and leans his shoulder against Castiel’s. “Yes, it’s exhilarating – and it’s even more fun when it’s the cops chasing you out.”

“You’ve been chased out by the _police_ before?” This is the first time he’s heard of that. Now Castiel absolutely needs to learn all about it. He shuffles closer, excited to stumble across something new. “Tell me about it.”

Dean places a hand on Castiel’s thigh and gives it a squeeze. “Well, that’s going to be delving pretty deep into the ol’ childhood. You sure you want to go there?”

Yes, absolutely! Dean’s past is still mostly shrouded in mystery. Castiel knows some vague details about it that he’s garnered from Sam’s stories, but it’s just not something that Dean talks about very often. Sam has mentioned on several occasions that Dean was a bit of a troublemaker before their parents died. But he never gave _details_ and that’s what Castiel craves. Perhaps he should offer something in return for the stories to incite Dean into talking about it?

“I’ll go there and I’ll give you a quid pro quo too.” Castiel puts his hand over Dean’s, boldly linking their fingers together. “For every story of your childhood you give, then I’ll tell you another of my own.” He’s been far more open about his childhood than Dean has, but there’s still plenty he’s never spoken about.

“Deal.” He laughs and tilts his head against Castiel’s. “Buckle your seatbelts, because this is gonna be an interesting ride.”

And it’s one that Castiel looks forward to.

*

It’s a solid few hours later by the time they get home. After riding around on the bus without any idea of where they’re going, they finally came to the decision that there was nothing else they wanted to do. They agreed that the best thing to do would be to head home and start to prepare supper. Castiel has no idea what Dean will be making, but he knows he’ll eat it and it will be a nice surprise once it’s been prepared. And while Dean does that, he can make preparations of his own.

Once they in the apartment and the door is shut behind them,  Castiel removes his shoes and empties his pockets onto the back of the couch before hanging up his coat. The only item he keeps in his hand is the collar. A part of him wants to wear it again, if only because of how much he enjoys the feeling of ownership it gives Dean over him. Though, after today, he’s starting to wonder just how necessary that is.  He looks from the collar to Dean, running over everything that they did today.

“Lemme guess –” Dean kicks off his shoes into the bottom of the closet and hangs his coat up. He fixes Castiel with a look caught between teasing and what might very well be exasperation. “You want to wear it again?”

Well, now he’s just starting to doubt himself. He shrugs and turns the collar over in his hands. “Only if you want me to.”

“That’s not what I asked, Cas.” Dean steps closer, boxing Castiel into the corner by the closet and door.

“I…” The words catch in his throat and Castiel looks down at his feet. He rubs his thumb along the collar, contemplating whether he should put it on again or not. Regardless of his commitment to wearing it this weekend, that might not be necessary to make Dean want him anymore. Of course that doesn’t change his feelings on it. “I like the feeling it gives me.”

A smile spreads slow and Dean covers his hands. He brings them up to kiss his fingers before pulling taking the collar from him. Castiel has to step out of the corner so Dean can get behind him. His turtleneck is in the way and he pulls it down to give Dean the space to put the collar on him again. The places where it’s rubbed his skin raw tingles a bit, but that’s easily ignored thanks to the strong sense of belonging that fills him.

Dean kisses the back of his head shortly before patting him on his ass to push him forward a step. “Go get comfortable. I’m going to go get supper started.”

He ducks into the kitchen before a retort can be made. At a loss for what to do, Castiel makes his way to Dean’s bedroom. The skirt is folded next to the plug are on the desk and he stares at it for a minute. Should he put them on again? There’s no doubt in his mind that they’re going to have sex again tonight, so he should at least put the plug in. He can do the skirt again later, maybe as a surprise for after dinner.

With his mind made up, Castiel takes up the plug and the skirt. He throws the skirt on his bed as he leaves Dean’s bedroom and takes the plug with him to the bathroom where he can prepare – quite literally. The skirt goes ignored while he works himself open with one foot propped up on the edge of the tub and his jeans around one of his ankles. Time is of the essence right now and he doesn’t do this for his own enjoyment. There’s some reaction from his body, but not enough to cause a problem with wearing jeans after this.

Once he’s sufficiently prepared, it’s time for the plug. Castiel bites his bottom lip and squeezes his eyes shut as he puts it in. It feels a little weird to have it inside him again, but it’s not an unpleasant feeling. He pulls his underwear and jeans back on afterward; taking a moment to wash his hands before he leaves the bathroom.

Dean looks up as Castiel walks into the kitchen. “Hey, Cas, can you come keep an eye on this meat and give it a stir? I gotta pee.”

Now that is certainly amusing. “I’m surprised you trust me enough with the stove for this.” He laughs but accepts the spatula and takes Dean’s place.

“That’s because you’re not going to touch anything but the damn meat.” Dean kisses his shoulder before he ducks out of the kitchen, adding one more tally to the number of affectionate gestures he’s been giving today.

Castiel gives the meat a quick stir before abandoning it to run for his bedroom. He strips naked as quickly as he can and pulls on the skirt as he returns to the kitchen. It will be a nice surprise for Dean when he’s done in the bathroom. Anything that comes of it will hopefully be an excellent distraction from the thoughts that keep building in the back of his head. It’s hard for him not to analyze everything that Dean has done today.

But it must be said that Castiel has a new bubble of hope that he never had before. Their date and the way Dean has been acting today make him think that maybe, just maybe, he might actually have a chance at something _more_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:   
> \- Sex toys  
> \- Fingering  
> \- light BDSM/collaring  
> \- Bottom!Cas


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings at the bottom of the chapter**
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter takes place between, during, and after [Chapter 26](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/6070646),[Chapter 27](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/6127730), and [Chapter 28](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/6389585) of the _A Little Patience_ story line.

Despite having slept half the day away, Castiel is rather surprised to find that he’s fallen asleep, especially considering that he’s sitting in Dean’s lap with his erection still _inside_ him. He never intended to fall asleep while trying _cockwarming_ , but he doesn’t even realize it’s happened until he’s waking up. His mind struggles to put together all the information currently assaulting him. First and foremost, he recognizes Dean’s heartbeat pounding quick against his cheek. That is quickly followed up by the tingling, almost painful, realization that there is a hand moving over him under the skirt.

His body is sluggishly trying to react, but it’s not working. Castiel doesn’t know how long he’s been sleeping, but the length of his nap was not long enough for him to get aroused again. If anything, his penis is _too_ sensitive now and Dean’s gentle stroking isn’t feeling nearly as nice as it usually does.

An uncomfortable twinge dances up his spine and he shifts to grab Dean’s wrist, bringing his ministrations to a stop. “I don't think that’s going to work right now.”

A yawn cracks his jaw as he arches his back to try and stretch it. Something about that must feel good for Dean. He groans happily and both hands move to grab Castiel’s hips, fingers digging in hard. Dean rocks up into him slightly. While he might not be wearing the collar right now, he has most certainly been a good boy for waiting. He should get some kind of reward for that, regardless of what kind of physical condition Castiel is in. Even if his body is sensitive in already sensitive areas, he resolves to grin and bear it for Dean. He deserves it for the absolutely _fantastic_ day he gave Castiel today.

The memory of their date swims to the front of his mind and he hums happily at it. Impulsively, he presses a kiss above the collar of Dean’s shirt. “If you want, you can still –”

“You’re not too sensitive for that?” Once again, Dean proves just how wonderful he is. He might not be the only person in the world who would put their partner’s comfort in front of their own pleasure, but it’s still amazing that he does it.

Castiel shakes his head, lifting his head only enough to press his lips to the side of Dean’s throat. “No.” He’s lying, but it’s only a white lie. If Dean has been waiting this long and he’s _still_ hard, then he’ll likely come quickly once they start things up again. He can tolerate being uncomfortable even if just for a little while for him.

His heart jolts sharply in surprise as Dean turns them. The blanket slips away from his shoulders and falls away as he’s lowered onto the couch. Castiel can’t help but smile as Dean gets his knees under him. It’s always nice to see his face, and a heat flares bright in his chest at the answering smile he receives. Dean trails his hands up Castiel’s thighs, guiding his legs to spread as wide as they’ll go while he gets comfortable. As much as he loves when their sex is hard and rough, he loves it all the more when he’s given these gentle, loving touches.

Dean’s eyes are on him and Castiel is well aware that he’s watching him closely. A thrill of anticipation tickles along his spine as his hips get lifted. Whether he’s going to _really_ enjoy this or not doesn’t play into the usual excitement he has about getting to feel Dean moving in him again. Even so, he’s surprised by the wholly uncomfortable feeling as Dean slowly pulls out. If this is what it’s like after cockwarming, then this is _not_ something he wants to do again.

He closes his eyes and bites his lip, forcing himself not to react. Castiel wants to do this for Dean and he won’t let the discomfort show. If it’s _really_ painful, of course he’s going to stop him. This isn’t pain, though. It’s just – it’s not nice feeling. He keeps his breathing regular, not even reacting at how cool the lube feels against his skin as Dean quickly rubs more over his erection. It sends goosebumps across Castiel’s skin as a liberal amount is worked into him too with a few fingers.

As Dean slides in again, any trepidation he had for this goes out the window. With the addition of fresh lube, everything feels _so_ much better. It actually starts to feel good again and Castiel very nearly gasps in surprise. He so badly wants his body to be able to react to this and get something out of it too, but it’s enough for him to see the way Dean’s eyes flutter shut and how his mouth falls open as he starts to rock in him, slow and sure.

The urge to kiss him grows overwhelming, as is often the case in Dean’s presence, and Castiel reaches for him. It doesn’t require any convincing at all to pull him down, though the kiss is a bit off the mark. Dean’s mouth lands on his throat first; his lips and tongue moving against the sensitive skin over his pulse. Castiel’s next breath catches and he arches into the touch, rolling his hips to meet every slow thrust given.

When Dean finally kisses him properly, it doesn’t last nearly as long as he wishes it would. Despite that, he isn’t given the chance to mourn the loss of it. Dean braces himself against the couch, redoubling his efforts. Every thrust is sharp and sharing, and Castiel chokes on a cry of surprise. He doesn’t mean to do it, but he knows he’s digging his nails in as he wraps his arms around Dean’s shoulders. Thankfully, he gets no complaint for it as he hides his face against Dean’s neck.

There’s an uncomfortable edge to the delirious pleasure he usually gets from this kind of sex, and he does his best to focus only on the good feelings. He’ll have to be extra thankful with Dean later for being such a caring and attentive lover. While Dean could easily be doing whatever he wants to bring himself to orgasm, he’s still very purposefully angling his hips so as not to cause Castiel any pain. It would be exceedingly more uncomfortable to have his prostate abused as would usually be the case with this kind of rough intensity.

Castiel find himself caught in the middle of a confusing mix of emotions when Dean draws away. His gut reaction when sex comes to an end is disappointment that it couldn’t have lasted longer, but that is countered with a wave of relief. Though it certainly tried, his body wasn’t able to rise to the challenge. He has found this arousing, to an extent; shortened breath and elevated body temperature, for starters, but the rest of his body just hasn’t reacted like he almost wishes it would.

At least Dean looks like he’s enjoying himself. The flush in his cheeks is particularly attractive as he sits back on his heels. He bites his bottom lip as he pulls out and leans over Castiel again, hand working quick over his erection. A hum rumbles low in Castiel’s chest as he stretches out, legs tightening around Dean’s waist to draw him closer as he comes in hot splashes across his stomach and thighs. The skirt may be pushed up above his navel right now, but some must undoubtedly get on the skirt. They should probably wash it in the sink tonight, along with the shirt Dean is currently using to wipe up the mess he’s made. That’s what they should do, but Castiel’s exhaustion hasn’t ebbed in the slightest and it’s siren song is already starting to draw him back to sleep.

“Hey, huggybear, don’t pass out on me yet.” Dean leans over him to plant a kiss on his lips. “Try and use those noodle legs of yours to get to the bedroom, okay? I’m going to clean up out here.”

There’s that nickname again. It’s a term of endearment that Dean doesn’t use very often, but every time he does Castiel clings to it. He hums and stretches again, but doesn’t otherwise move. His eyes feel just as heavy as his limbs do and he can’t bring himself to move. If anything, he starts to doze while Dean puts the blanket back on the bed and cleans up the leftovers of their popcorn. His shuffling footsteps only seem to lull Castiel further to sleep and he groans unhappily when Dean comes to rouse him.

“Let’s go, Cas. You’re not sleeping on the couch for our last night alone together.” He pulls him upright and loops an arm around his waist. With one of Castiel’s arms over his shoulders, Dean gets him to his feet and all but drags him towards the bedroom.

The bed is a welcome sight and Castiel manages the last few steps to it on his own. He collapses across it, certain that he’s never been _this_ tired before. At this point, he doesn’t even care that he hasn’t brushed his teeth or that he’s still wearing the skirt. None of that matters once he’s burrowed under the blankets to cocoon himself in the scent of Dean that essentially wafts from the bedding.

“Yeah, that’s cute and all, but I’m not done taking care of you.” Dean laughs and pulls the blankets off of him. He drags Castiel closer to the edge of the bed as he dangles a wet nap in one hand. “This might be a little cool, so don’t blame me if it wakes you up.”

Castiel can only manage one answer, and it comes in the form of a smile. He closes his eyes and basks in the careful attention as Dean cleans him from head to toe; paying special attention to the lube dried between his legs. It’s only when the collar is being removed that his brain finally catches up with him and remembers another piece of his weekend equipment that they’ve forgotten in the other room.

“Dean –” He pauses with a yawn, even as the blankets are drawn over him again and he settles heavily against the pillows. “Dean, the _plug_.”

“Don’t worry about it.” A warm kiss is pressed to his forehead as Dean tucks him in. It’s followed with another on his nose, and then his lips. “Just get some sleep. You’ve worked hard this weekend and you deserve it. I’ll take care of everything else.”

His lips and tongue don’t seem to want to cooperate with him as he tries to say thank you, but it seems to get across. Dean runs a tender hand through his hair before he disappears from the edge of the bed. Castiel hums happily to himself and wiggles into the position of utmost comfort on his side of the mattress. The last thing he does before he allows sleep to take him is to pull back the blankets on Dean’s half, leaving it as an open invitation. If this were his own bed and he was to be sleeping alone, Castiel would most certainly have rolled himself up like a burrito, just for the sheer comfort involved in it.

By the time Dean returns to the bedroom, Castiel is fast asleep in the warm security of what has been – quite possibly – the most perfect of days.

*

There’s an alarm going off somewhere and its chime is like needles in Castiel’s brain. It turns off quickly, but not quick enough for him not to hate it for multiple reasons. Firstly, it woke him. Secondly, it took the heat from his side. Castiel groans and turns his face into the pillow, knowing that it’s time to wake up. That alarm was Dean’s, which means that it must be noon. That’s the only time he has it set to ring on during his days off, just so he doesn’t end up wasting the whole day.

Dean shifts next to him, making the bed dip. The blankets lift just enough to let a cool waft of air drift down Castiel’s back and he curls his shoulders against it. He relaxes at the warm breath that bathes the back of his neck seconds before a kiss is pressed to the back of his neck. Dean’s hand is hot against his skin as it drifts up along his spine, smoothing away the ire Castiel has at having to be awake again.

“You don’t have to get up yet.” Dean reassures him in a gentle voice; nearly a whisper.

That’s where he’s wrong. “Yes, I do.” It’s twelve o’clock in the afternoon and there are so many things that need to be cleaned before Sam gets home. He groans again, talking right into the pillow because he can’t be bothered to turn his head. “I need to eat and we should –”

“ _You_ should stay right here.” Dean interrupts him as he slides out of bed. He leans over to tuck the edges around Castiel again, sealing out the cooler air of the bedroom. “I’ll bring breakfast to you so you don’t have to get out of this bed until you’re ready to, got it?”

Oh, if only he knew how dangerous a thing that is to say. If given the choice, Castiel might never leave this bed. Not only is it bigger and more comfortable than his own, but it belongs to _Dean_. It smells like him and it comes with the added bonus of cuddles and affection; all things he has come to crave with a powerful desire – and all things he can blame Dean for. He never wanted these things as badly as he does until Dean came along and showed him just how good it feels to have them.

Another kiss to the back of his neck surprises him and Castiel scoots further down the bed until the blanket is very nearly over his head. Then and only then does he feel safe enough from the cold to turn over. Dean is watching him, one eyebrow cocked in question. It takes him a second to realize what he’s waiting for. Castiel nods, accepting his delightful fate of being confined to the bed until further notice. A smile spreads on Dean’s face, bright and wide to match his own.

From his vantage point in the middle of the bed, Castiel watches as Dean pulls on his long abandoned pair of sweatpants and finds a new t-shirt in the pile gathered in the corner of his room. He’s humming to himself while he moves and there is, undoubtedly, a bounce in his step as he heads out into the rest of the apartment. Once he’s out of view, Dean starts to whistle. The jaunty tune echoes into the bedroom from the kitchen as the usual clatter of dishes and cooking tries to overwhelm it.

Castiel zones out while he waits for his meal. He never takes his eyes off the doorway, and he can’t help but smile whenever Dean walks by to the bathroom or otherwise. This is going to be the first time someone has made breakfast in bed for him. Gabriel has cooked for him on several occasions, but he’s never actually served it straight to him in the bedroom. Of course he isn’t counting any time where he was sick and had soup brought to him. He could probably count on one hand how many times that happened. Castiel is, after all, rather healthy. It’s been a very long time since he was last sick.

By the time Dean returns with a tray in hand, Castiel is slightly more awake than he was before. He pushes himself up into a sitting position to free up half the bed for Dean. His spine pops in several places as he stretches, flashing Dean a delighted smile as he puts the tray down in front of him. The tray just barely fits two plates of pancakes, bacon, toast, and two cups of coffee. The pancakes are drizzled generously with syrup and butter. His mouth has been watering from the smell of it all for several minutes now and seeing it is only making things worse.

Before he can dig in, Dean catches him in a kiss. It’s short, but oh so sweet. Castiel’s heart flutters violently and he can barely breathe. He couldn’t stop smiling right now even if he tried. This has been the best weekend in _ever_. Even if Dean didn’t use him like Castiel expected him to, he gave him something far, _far_ better. Yesterday they went on what was undoubtedly a date, and today Dean has been nothing but sweet and all too caring with him. These levels of affection would most certainly be more than enough to convince anyone that they were more than just friends if they didn’t know about the circumstances of their actual relationship.

He quickly discards that thought as Dean makes himself comfortable next to him; carefully sliding into place under the blanket too. Normally Castiel would feel a little at odds being the only naked one in bed, but this is a special case. It’s all too easy to stop thinking about essentially everything and just lean together while they eat. His thoughts drift, not really touching on much of anything beyond giving a few compliments for the delicious breakfast Dean made for him.

This is quite possibly one of the best mornings in recent history and he sighs happily, wishing it could last forever. As all good things eventually do, of course the good feelings do too. Castiel just didn’t expect that Dean would be the one to end them, and especially not with words that feel like a knife twisting in his heart. He has a mouthful of perfectly toasted bread when it happens.

“This was a great weekend, Cas. Thanks for it.” Dean graces him with a soft smile as he stacks their dishes on the tray to make it easier to carry. “I really – I really like our arrangement.”

He could have said almost anything else and it probably wouldn’t have hurt as much as that does. By all rights, it shouldn’t sting like this, but it does – it really, really does. Their arrangement is strictly sex with no room for emotions. Any hope that Castiel had for Dean to develop feelings for him that match his own are dashed upon the cold hard rocks of reality. The comfy world they’ve built around them shatters and the edges of everything become so crisp and sharp as it comes to a complete and utter stop.

The last bite of his toast is tasteless on his tongue, his hand surprisingly steady where it’s poised in midair in front of his mouth. Dean looks as frozen as Castiel feels, still hunched over with one knee on the bed while picking up the tray. They’re staring at each other and a heavy weight has settled in the air between them. Is Dean waiting for something? A confirmation or a rebuttal of some form? Castiel doesn’t know what to say, and he chews his toast slowly to buy him some time to think – even if his brain feels like it’s stuttering on its last legs.

What would happen if he points out that the arrangement was strictly about sex and it had _nothing_ to do with half of what happened this weekend? What if he lays the facts out before Dean and outright tells him that yesterday was, by all definitions, a _date_? What if he explicitly called this a _romantic_ morning? What would Dean do? He’s had an aversion to talking about feelings for as long as Castiel has known him, and – according to Sam – that’s how he’s been his whole life. Bringing up emotions now, especially after how Dean’s relationship with Lisa ended, might only serve to drive him further away.

Castiel doesn’t have the time right now to weigh the pros and cons of those actions right now. He can do it when Dean isn’t looking at him like he’s expecting an answer. All he needs to know right now is that he doesn’t want to lose him. A confrontation will strain not just their arrangement, but their relationship both as friends and roommates. The fear of losing Dean entirely is what has driven Castiel to remain silent all these months and it rears its ugly head once again.

His face feels stiff and it doesn’t quite work right as he forces a smile. “I’m happy with it too.”

But that is only to a certain degree – one that he won’t go into detail about. He values Dean’s peace of mind too much to do that to him now and quite possibly ever. It’s this level of selfishness that he has that sickens Castiel. If he didn’t want to hold on to everything about Dean, maybe he would have thrown caution to the wind and said something by now.

While his selfishness plays into it, his silence also comes from a much quieter part of him. Somewhere deep inside, some part of Castiel still holds an almost empty hope that if he waits long enough, Dean will eventually come around and realize that a relationship between them could work. If he ever wanted proof, this weekend is likely the best he could ask for. They were romantic and intimate while still respecting each other’s spaces when needed. The chemistry between them is palpable that even Castiel knows that it’s  there, and he didn’t need anyone to point that out to him. What they have could be so much more than sex, but it’s apparently not what Dean wants and that’s what keeps him back too.

The smile Dean gives in answer looks just as drawn as his own. It doesn’t reach his eyes and Castiel squints at his back as he leaves the room. Why didn’t he look happy that his feelings regarding their arrangement is shared? Is he aware that Castiel doesn’t fully care for the arrangement as he does? Or is he disappointed that his statement wasn’t contested at all? Whatever it may be, he is all too familiar with the confusion that comes hand in hand with the way Dean acts sometimes.

After a few moments of loneliness, Castiel sighs and gets out of bed. He’s never felt so shameless about his own nakedness before as he heads to the bathroom. It’s about time that he relieve himself anyways, especially with a stomach full of coffee. It would be best that he do a more thorough cleaning too after everything that they did together yesterday. He won’t take an actually shower, but he can at least freshen up somewhat.

Dean is still cleaning the dishes once Castiel’s first trip to the bathroom is complete. After brushing his teeth he realized that some of the things he needs for a proper clean are hidden under his socks and underwear under the bed. It doesn’t take him long to get them or even to finish up in the bathroom a second time. Despite that, Dean is still not done in the kitchen by the time Castiel walks out of the bathroom completely done with all he needs to do.

The anxiety he’s been trying to keep at bay starts to bubble to the surface again and it turns his breakfast in his stomach. Is Dean upset with him? Is he avoiding him? Their breakfast together was so nice and comfortable and it was ruined with just a few words, and Castiel wants to blame himself for it. If he had just acted like normal and put on his regular smiling face, then maybe Dean wouldn’t be scrubbing the enamel off his plates.

He drags his feet as he heads into the bedroom again. The room isn’t cold, but it feels like an ice castle to Castiel now. It had been so warm and welcoming not too long ago and now he’s not sure if he should even be in here right now. His eyes skate over the collar and the plug resting on the night stand and he briefly considers putting them on. Sex might be able to distract Dean from whatever truly happened after breakfast, but it certainly won’t put Castiel’s heart at ease. If anything, it might make things worse for him; particularly because he doesn’t have even an ounce of arousal in his body right now.

Castiel shifts his weight from side to side a few times before he crosses the room and climbs into the bed. If Dean doesn’t want him in here, then he can use his words and tell him to leave. Until then, he’s going to wring every inch of comfort he can get from this special space while he can. He pulls the blanket high over his shoulders, snuggling down into them until it feels like a protective cover from the rest of the world. It’s nice, but it would be better if Dean were here with him.

When they’re together in this bed, the world feels surreal. Everything feels like it’s a million miles away and nothing can affect them while they’re here. It’s a pocket dimension where they can cuddle with reckless abandon and it’s _so easy_ to pretend that Dean loves him back. That’s the world he wants to go back to and the dredges of it still sit at the edges of the room. Castiel closes his eyes and tries to focus on bringing them back to regain a sense of the calm he had when he first woke up.

His back is to the door when he hears footsteps enter the room. They pause at the edge of the closet and Castiel bites his lip, waiting for the request he knows is coming. But – what if he deflected it before it came? Would Dean have the heart to tell him to leave if he sounded pathetic enough? This might be horribly manipulative, but Castiel wants to cling to this for as long as he can.

“I’m still sleepy.” He hunches his shoulders and pulls the blanket up just a little higher, hoping that will be enough to let him stay.

“Still worn out from yesterday?” Dean’s voice is soft; gentle and full of concern.

Castiel hums his answer. He nods and holds his breath, waiting to see what will happen. A few moments pass where the room is silent save for the sound of Dean shifting. It doesn’t sound like he’s coming any closer to the bed and it takes far too long for Castiel to realize why. If _he_ can tell that the mood between them has taken a nose dive, then obviously so can Dean; which means that it’s entirely possible that Dean might think that his companionship is currently unwanted.

Since that is the exact opposite of the situation, Castiel decides that needs to be rectified immediately. He knows know better method of invitation than to lift the edge of the blanket, exposing the empty spot behind him that only Dean could ever fill. After a rushed rustle of clothing, the mattress dips and the heat under the covers climbs a few delicious degrees.  A weight lifts from Castiel’s chest as he rolls over and his smile feels far more natural than it did before.

Dean hasn’t even fully made himself comfortable before Castiel is wiggling as close as he can. With a hand on his hip, he guides Dean to roll over onto his other side. Last night he was the one to be held and now it’s his turn. The urge to hold him to his chest is particularly strong, though Castiel knows that no amount of cuddling is going to change the fact that Dean is still slipping through his fingers. His earlier hope has been carved out of him and he feels a little too hollow for his own liking at the moment.

By some miracle, Dean doesn’t seem to mind this. He has no complaints as Castiel curls his arms around his waist and hides his face against the back of his neck. It’s a bit awkward that he’s still naked, so he makes sure not to press too close, although he does hug him rather tightly. Despite how Castiel has almost negative desire for sex right now, he doesn’t want to take the chance that any sort of accidental _friction_ might wake his body up.

A warm hand slowly sweeps up and down Castiel’s arms, fingers gentle as Dean turns his head to talk over his shoulder. “D’you want to sleep a little longer?”

“May I?” He doesn’t particularly feel like sleeping right now, but he can at least pretend he is. It wouldn’t be too hard, and it would at least give him the chance to enjoy simply holding Dean in a comfortable silence.

The problem with that, however, is that there is nothing comfortable about the silence between his question and Dean’s answer. It’s tense and disheartening. He can taste his heart in his throat and there’s a stinging behind his eyes. Castiel has to blink away the burning itch that comes with the urge to cry. He never should have let that hope in. Dean made it clear when they started that he wanted a sexual arrangement and apparently nothing about that has changed. Anything more than general sexual affection that Castiel _thought_ he saw was apparently nothing more than his imagination, and that hurts more than words can say.

His heart gives a painful lurch as Dean’s hand comes to rest over his own. “You’ve got work and classes tomorrow. Go ahead and get some rest, Cas. You deserve it.”

It’s unfair how warm his  voice sounds, and yet Castiel still spreads his fingers to make room for Dean’s. These are the kinds of small affections that make him think he has a chance, and all it does his make him ache inside. His throat is too tight to get out a proper thank you, but he does steal a quick kiss to the back of his neck. Dean squeezes his hand and presses back against his chest a little more.

The silence still feels oppressive and Castiel squeezes his eyes shut, trying to will himself to sleep. With some effort, he even forces his breathing to be slow and deep, hoping that will lull him to sleep. After several minutes, he’s still wide awake. Dean, on the other hand, has gone loose in his arms. His even breaths are accompanied with a soft snore every now and then. How lucky for him that he’s able to sleep. Castiel, on the other hand, is not quite so lucky.

Does he love these intimate moments between them so much that he’s willing to give them up to tell Dean about his feelings? That’s the real question here. The longer their arrangement goes, the more Castiel is going to get hurt – and especially if Dean one day falls for someone else and brings things between them to an end. Whether he says something or not, there is still the very real possibility that one day he could lose everything. When that day comes, does he want it to end without Dean every knowing how much he cares for him? Or will he confess that the day everything ends?

These are some heavy questions and Castiel contemplates them, and more, for a long time. He’s honestly not sure how long he can last like this anymore, and especially if they’re going to have more days like yesterday that fill him with a pointless hope. But he doesn’t want to give this up. Now that he’s had a taste of it, now that he knows how good it feels to have all this, he doesn’t want to let it go. It’s far too easy to trick himself into believing Dean loves him, and that’s the real problem.

But – _but_ – what if it’s not a trick? What if Dean really does love him? It’s possible that he could have those feelings but not be acting on them properly. The chances are slim, but maybe he’s scared of relationships because of what happened with Lisa. Castiel doesn’t want to entertain hopes like that, but it’s really all he has left to keep himself going with this arrangement. The only thing that he knows for certain right now is that sex ties them together. As much as he loves that, he hates that he’s using it to keep Dean from being with anyone else. It’s that kind of manipulation that makes him feel like a complete and utter heel.

Those feelings are starting to leave a sour taste in his mouth and Castiel wants to wash them away. A shower would be nice, but that means letting go of Dean and he’s just not ready to do that yet. He just has so much affection he wants to give and these moments are the only outlets he has for them. Would it be mean of him to wake Dean now? They’ve been slumbering for a while now and it’s already into the afternoon. Who knows how long they have left before Sam gets home too. He should make the best of the time they have before it’s gone for who knows how long.

As gently as he can, Castiel draws his arm out from underneath Dean. He carefully wiggles away, making room on the mattress. With little to no urging, Dean rolls onto his back. A soft sound rumbles in his chest as he stretches and settles. It’s adorable and Castiel can’t resist leaning down to kiss him. He starts with just a soft peck to the lips, but it unexpectedly breaks the levee. Once started, he can’t stop and he rains kisses across Dean’s face. The affection he holds for this frustrating man is overflowing and he needs to let it out.

Castiel isn’t sure if it’s the kisses that wakes him, or if it’s the soft whispering of his name, but Dean eventually rouses with a quiet, confused murmur. He turns his face into the next kiss dropped to his cheek. Just as he can’t keep his kisses in once place, Castiel can’t keep his hand still either. It drifts across Dean’s chest and sides in a lazy sweep; tracing muscles and ribs like its mapping them out. His other hand is propping him up, his elbow digging into the mattress while his fingers card through Dean’s hair.

After a few moments where he’s caught in the twilight between sleeping and being awake, Dean finally opens his eyes. Castiel lifts his head to meet him with a smile. Even though his heart is still heavy, he can’t help but smile when Dean is looking at him with warm eyes and a loose, lazy smile. He tilts his face into Dean’s hand as it comes up to cup his cheek. Yet again it is far too easy to believe that this gentle caress has more than just friendship and sexual attraction behind it.

Dean draws him into another kiss and Castiel is all too happy to lean down into it. He’s not sure if it can be felt or not, but he tries to pour every single ounce of his feelings into this kiss. They mean so much more than sex, than their _arrangement_ , and he hopes that it comes across. It certainly feels like it does as Dean hums happily and gently cradles his face between his hands, thumbs softly stroking his cheeks. Every touch that sweeps across his shoulders and down his back is a boon and Castiel greedily soaks in the feelings, loving each and every one.

It just about kills him to stop, but they really should get up now. They can’t spend the whole day lying in the bed. Sam said he would be back by the evening, but he could just as easily come home during the afternoon. There’s too much to do to just kiss the day away, no matter how much he would like to. Dean, however, seems to have an entirely different opinion. As Castiel tries to roll away, he follows the motion until their positions have been switched. In no time at all, he finds himself pinned beneath Dean’s weight from shoulder to hip; their legs tangled together. With a soft, but insistent fervor, he continues the kisses with that Castiel had tried to end.

Once Dean has had his fill and their lips tingle pleasantly, they do eventually draw apart – though they don’t go far. Dean remains more or less on top of him, their foreheads resting together as their breaths mingle. The smile won’t stay off Castiel’s lips now and he lets this warm – _happy_ – feeling melt away all the contention he’s been feeling since earlier. Every gentle touch that sweeps through his hair calms him to his core. If he could stay like this forever, he would be _so_ happy.

It’s not long before his body decides that it has a different plan in mind. After a few minutes, he starts to squirm. There’s certain business that needs to be attended to and he hates that he needs to leave this comfortable space just because he needs to use the bathroom of all things.

He groans and presses his fingertips into Dean’s sides. “I need to get up right now, please.”

Dean’s soft smile falls into a playful frown and he grumbles under his breath as he rolls to the side. Castiel stretches briefly before he pushes the blankets off and gets to his feet. He shivers, wondering if they should turn of the air conditioning now. It’s kept rather low in the fall months, but that’s long past and it’s much too cold to just walk around naked now. Certain parts of him aren’t appreciative of the chill and Castiel pulls the skirt on to help combat it, if only because the skirt is the only item on hand.

When he returns from the bathroom, Dean is still cozy in the bed with the blanket haphazardly covering his body. He stretches and turns onto his side as Castiel walks in the room. “So, a skirt, huh?” Dean props his head up on his hand and gestures with the other. “You’re into crossdressing now too?”

Castiel is actually a little relieved that he doesn’t sound mean or annoyed by it. He shrugs and adjusts the skirt over his hips. “Not particularly, but I did want to see how it would affect you since –” Heat flushes his face and he glances up at Dean with an embarrassed smile. “Well, until I learned that you watch gay porn, I had always assumed that you were straight.”

Frankly speaking, that is one assumption that truly personifies the saying “to assume makes an _ass_ of _u_ and _me_ ”, which happens to be one of his mother’s favourite sayings in English. The fact that he ever settled on thinking that Dean was straight is utterly ridiculous, considering how they met. Dean literally gave him his telephone number. He _hit on him_ through a piece of paper placed in his book and apologized for thinking he was older in the text messages that followed . Yet, somehow, Castiel decided that Dean must be straight because he started going out with Lisa not much later. Granted, he wasn’t familiar with the different types of sexuality back then as he is now.

Dean raises one eyebrow and a slow smirk starts to spread. Castiel rolls his eyes and crosses his arms in defense. “ _Clearly_ I know better now.”

With a snort of laughter, Dean throws back the blankets and sits up. “No shit, Sherlock.”

Castiel huffs and twists his hips, swishing the skirt against his thighs. He likes the feel, but he has no particular desire to wear one outside of the bedroom. Or, to be more specific, he doesn’t want to wear one for anyone but Dean. Although, he hasn’t really confirmed or not whether Dean actually likes it or not. He hasn’t said anything against it, at least.

After a moment of indecision, Castiel spreads his hands in a display. “Do – Do you like me wearing the skirt?” If he could get some kind of compliment on it, then perhaps he might consider using the skirt again in the future.

With a little bit of scooting, Dean moves down to the end of the bed where Castiel is sitting. He draws him forward until he’s standing between his legs, his arms circling around his waist. “Cas, I haven’t seen you in something I _don’t_ like yet.” As emphasis, he drops a kiss to Castiel’s stomach, following it up with tickling kisses along the waistband of the skirt.

That’s feels nice and Castiel basks in the sensation until a new thought occurs to him. If Dean likes him in the skirt, what other things would he like him in? Are there other things – _new_ things – that they could try? There are several leather or latex outfits included in certain kinds of BDSM play that they could try. They look interesting, but not very comfortable and aren’t exactly along the lines of the skirt. That’s something Dean already likes, and Castiel would like to work along a linear progression before jumping to something like that.

Which leads him to his next question. “What does that mean for lingerie?”

“W-what?” The question has Dean’s head popping back up, his eyes wide.

Castiel runs his hand up Dean’s shoulder and along his jaw, curving along his ear before settling in his hair. “I found that there is a rather large community on the internet devoted to men in lingerie.” That was an interesting hour of research when he was investigating things on his list of sexual things he would like to try. “Is that something you would be interested in?”

A flush turns Dean’s ears red before it spreads into his cheeks. He drops his gaze before hiding his face against Castiel’s stomach. “For – uh – for you or for me?”

That was far too interesting a reaction to ignore and Castiel makes a mental note to probe further about that soon. Once he gets his initial questions about this topic out of the way, he will absolutely have to find out why the mention of _lingerie_ would make Dean blush. Is it possible that he does have a thing for it? From what Castiel found, most men do like to see it on their partners regardless of gender. But that kind of reaction is raising his suspicions that perhaps Dean might swing more towards being one who wears it himself. Has he done that with someone else before?

Oh, that was not the right thing to think right now. Jealousy flares as an ugly, slick burn in his chest and Castiel stomps down on it firmly. He turns his thoughts from it to continue with his line of questioning. First he must determine whether or not Dean would want to see _him_ in it first. Though, to be fair, he would absolutely like to see Dean wear it for him. At the very least if only to figure out if he’s the kind of man who is interested in it or not.

“I believe I would be fine with either. Since I’ve never tried it, I can’t be sure.” Castiel shrugs and continues to run his hands through Dean’s hair. “It’s certainly intriguing though, and Benny’s store sells some. I’m fairly certain they would fit me.” Or fit Dean. A mental image overlaying what he’s seen at Benny’s store and Dean sends a pleasant little shiver through him.

It takes Dean a little while before he lifts his head again. This time he rests his chin on Castiel’s stomach and looks up at him with narrowed eyes. “Are you only thinking about things that would please _me_ , or are these things that _you_ want to try too?”

And this is just one of the many reasons that Castiel loves him. He’s so good about thinking of others. “I would like to try almost everything on the list I found. There are some things that I crossed off immediately because they make my stomach turn, but there are plenty of others that I have no personal opinion on. How will I know whether or not I like it if I don’t try it?” He catches Dean’s face between his hands and leans down to kiss the end of his nose.

When he went through the list after her first found it, there were certain things that he knew he didn’t want to do right away. Castiel fully accepts that there are people in the world who find those things appealing, but he sometimes can’t understand _why_. For instance, he didn’t want to try anything that involved purposefully causing pain to one’s partner. And he really didn’t have any particular interest in watersports, scat, or blood play of any kind.

Perhaps it’s a good thing that he never became a doctor.

“That makes sense.” Dean nods and for a second Castiel wonders if he could hear his train of thought. “After all, this is all about finding out your kinks, right?”

His hands slide up his thighs and tease along the hem of the skirt. Castiel frowns and pushes forward until he can straddles Dean’s lap, balancing precariously at the edge of the bed. “This isn’t just about _me_ , Dean. I would like to explore _your_ kinks too.” He wasn’t intending on things taking a sexual turn, but now that he’s early depressing thoughts have been more or less expunged from his system, they might be able to do it once more before they absolutely have to clean up or risk Sam catching them.

Castiel slides his arms around Dean’s shoulders, drawing them together until their foreheads touch. “Speaking of – what _are_ your kinks?” There are some that have been made apparently simply by their time together over the last few months, but there are undoubtedly others that he doesn’t know about yet and his curiosity is on the rise.

Rather than answering him, Dean stares at him blankly. After a few beats of silence, Castiel sighs and sits back again, his hands sliding to rest along the sides of Dean’s neck. “Thus far, all our exploration has been for _me_. Is there nothing that you haven’t had the opportunity to try? Or is there something that you already like that we haven’t done yet?”

He’s all but itching to get an actual answer, yet of course Dean only gives him one word. “Um.”

The pulse under his palms quickens, doubling – no, _tripling_ its pace in no time at all. Dean’s mouth hangs open, though he makes no obvious move to answer. Castiel raises an eyebrow, another question poised on the tip of his tongue. He swallows it down the moment Dean’s eyes go wide. There’s a heat in them he doesn’t quite recognize, but it stops his own thoughts dead in their tracks. He watches as Dean’s gaze lands first on his lips. They’re only there for a second before they flick to look at his hair. After that they glance away, and he doesn’t look at anything in particular as far as Castiel can tell. But it’s only a few heartbeats later before they’re focused on his mouth again and he can’t help but wonder if that means Dean is about to kiss him.

No kiss appears forth coming, as Dean’s eyes snap up to meet his with an intensity and suddenness that takes his breath away. There’s something going on behind those eyes and Castiel would give anything to know what it is. Dean takes a sharp breath, quiet but quick. His eyes go impossibly wider just by a fraction, overtaken by what could quite possibly be surprise. Curiosity and concern are on the rise and Castiel isn’t sure what could be going on in Dean’s head. This silence has stretches on for far too long and he’s starting to get very worried.

“Dean?” He brings his hands to cup Dean’s face; working his thumbs over his cheeks to cheeks to try and bring him back to reality. Whatever Dean is thinking is making his face grow hot under Castiel’s hands and as interesting as that might be, the lack of an answer is very worrying.

Finally, after what feels like forever, Dean takes a deep and shaky breath. “I don’t know.” His voice is barely more than a croak as he brings his hands up to grasp at Castiel’s wrists.

Now that is highly unbelieveable and Castiel’s frown deepens.  There is no way that Dean has been sexually active for as long as he has been and never figured out a single kink of his own. Even Castiel can name a few. It’s highly possible that Dean could be interested in role play, for example, if he takes into consideration how excited Dean had been for the sex they had while wearing their Halloween costumes. And Dean likes using sex toys. From his understanding, that could be considered a kink. His affinity for blow jobs and how he enjoyed tying Castiel up could be others. Given how handsy they got in the theater yesterday, he might even have a kink for doing things in public. And there are several more that he can’t be bothered to name right now.

Castiel’s lips press into a thin line and Dean looks away. Is that shame? Is he worried that he’ll be ridiculed or teased for having an unusual kink? The worry climbs ever higher as Dean’s shoulders curve forward and he presses his cheek to Castiel’s chest. His arms circle his waist, squeezing him as if he’s trying to ground himself. Though slightly hesitant about it, Castiel slips his arms around Dean’s shoulders, holding him to give what comfort he might be seeking.

It’s not enough to still his tongue. Castiel has to make sure that he’s okay. “Dean?”

At least this time he is answered with a quiet hum instead of a long silence. That’s a step in the right direction and Castiel rubs the back of Dean’s neck, hoping to help his turbulence. His line of questioning might not help matters, but he can’t let this lie until he has good reason to. “Are you hesitating with telling me what arouses you because you find it shameful?”

Castiel brings his hand up to run through his hair again. “Are you embarrassed by it, Dean?” If he is, then he won’t deny that he’ll be disappointed by that. With how long they’ve been friends, and how much of that relationship has been sexual, he would think that Dean would be past being embarrassed about these kinds of things.

The grip around his waist tightens by a fraction; Dean’s fingers pressing almost painfully into his skin. It’s not a verbal answer and Castiel is starting to get a little frustrated. How is he supposed to know what Dean likes if he won’t _tell him_? How can he help if he’s not told what’s wrong?

He’s answered by yet another hum when he says Dean’s name again, and this time it is accompanied with Dean hiding his face against his chest. Castiel grits his teeth and continues rubbing the back of his neck; forcing his voice to remain soft. “Are you not telling me because you think I’m going to judge you for your kinks?” Considering their history, he would hope that Dean knows him better than that, or that he would _trust_ him more than that. Is that it? Does Dean not trust him?

When he gets nothing but silence again, Castiel decides that it’s time to give up. If he keeps pushing, then Dean is going to just keep drawing further and further away.

With a sigh, he pulls away from the tight hug. He goes only as far as is necessary so he can catch Dean’s face between his hands again. “Don’t worry, Dean.” Castiel leans in with a small, understanding smile, hoping that it will ease Dean’s nerves. “Whatever it is, it’s okay. I’m not going to judge you for it.” He emphasizes his point with a soft kiss.

The tension in Dean’s shoulders bleeds away as he leans into the kiss, hugging Castiel all the tighter. While his intention was to keep the kiss chaste and short, Dean apparently has other plans in mind. He pushes up into the kiss with an unexpected fervor, deepening the kiss almost within moments. It steals Castiel’s breath, leaving him barely enough to voice his surprise as Dean suddenly collapses backwards onto the bed and drag him down with him.

They narrowly avoid clacking teeth together, for which he is thankful. That hasn’t happened since the first few times they started kissing, back when he was learning how to do it. He would be rather embarrassed if it happened again now, even if it was Dean’s fault. _Oh_ , but how can he be even slightly annoyed by that when Dean is licking past his lips and doing absolutely _sinful_ things with his tongue? A groan rumbles deep in his chest and he all but melts against the warm body beneath him; his earlier concerns fizzling out temporarily.

What brings him back to reality are the sneaky hands that slip under the skirt. They squeeze his ass and a few questing fingers tease just a little further. Normally he would absolutely love Dean being this bold, but Castiel is far too aware of what he’s doing. He is _not_ going to allow sex to distract from the moment. If Dean doesn’t want to talk about his kinks either because he’s ashamed of them or he doesn’t trust him enough, that’s fine. Castiel can let that topic go for now, but what he cannot disregard is that they need to clean up. They don’t know when Sam is coming home and he absolutely does not want to have to _rush_ to clean up the place. That runs the risk of missing something, and that holds the potential of upsetting Dean further if Sam finds it.

With some difficulty, Castiel finds the strength to pull away. It’s not an easy task in the slightest, as Dean’s kisses are so very addicting. He gravitates back to them whenever he gets more than a few inches away and it takes several tries before he manages to get himself to sit all the way back. His lips tingle as he balances on Dean’s thighs, looking down at him with what he hopes is an expression of compassion. Castiel wants to Dean to know that he can be trusted. Hasn’t he done enough to proved that already?

Aside from Benny accidentally finding out from the both of them that there’s something sexual between them, he has never told a single soul about their arrangement. The only other person who might have a hint about it is Jess, and that’s only because Castiel told her that he’s in love with Dean. That had no mention of the arrangement and he was _very_ adamant that there was nothing going on between them when he gave her that bit of information to make her stop asking.

Frankly, he’s been so _good_ about this that he feels a little like he’s owed something here. Of course Castiel will understand if Dean really doesn’t want to tell him, but he would _really_ like it if he did. The hands under his skirt continue to knead his ass, but they do it as little more than an afterthought. Dean is watching him closely, his lips pressed together in a thin line as he eyes flick back and forth between both of Castiel’s. What he wouldn’t give to know what’s going on behind them.

After a few painfully quiet moments tick by, Dean takes a deep breath and closes his eyes. “Rhonda Hurley.” He gives his answer on an exhale, but it feels like a slap in the face.

“Excuse me?” Castiel frowns whether he wants to or not and he leans back quickly. He hates when he feels jealous, but how can he not when Dean just said someone else’s name while he’s sitting in his lap? It’s a sick burn in the back of his throat and he had better get an explanation quickly before it spreads.

Dean takes his hands back only to cover his face with them. “She – uh – Rhonda was one of the first people I hooked up with after Cassie dumped me in high school.”

Never mind. Castiel takes it back. He doesn’t want to hear the explanation anymore. But of course Dean continues talking, because apparently he thinks that it’s a _good_ idea to regale his current partner with stories about his past ones.

“I was the dropout bad boy and she wanted some excitement and –” Dean breaks his sentence off with a shrug. He drops his hands but he seems to be making it a point not to look at Castiel. “It wasn’t anything serious. We were just a casual hook up every now and then until she graduated and got her life in order or something.”

Any arousal that Castiel previous had is quickly drying up. In fact, he might never be able to get aroused again. The jealousy is searing through him now and he crosses his arms against the feeling. “I’m sorry, but I fail to see how that is a _kink_.” He’s well aware that he sounds like a displeased child, but he really can’t help it right now.

Dean shifts under him and he twists his hands in the mussed sheets. He finally looks in Castiel’s direction, but his gaze falls over his shoulder and on the closet behind him. “She – once she made me –” This hesitation is unlike Dean and he uncrosses his arms, leaning forward out of curiosity. He licks his lips and his eyes briefly glance towards Castiel before turning back to the closet again. “I – uh – tried on her pink satin panties.”

“Oh.” Well now _that_ is rather unexpected. He had considered somewhat that perhaps Dean would have already tried wearing lingerie, but this is confirmation and he can’t help but imagine it.

Colour is burning hot through up Dean’s chest and into his cheeks. Castiel can practically feel the heat rolling off him as he squirms and looks away again. “They were – they were nice and I kinda –” Dean’s voice dips into something near a whisper. “I liked it. I – I have a pair.”

“Oh.”

Is that why he’s acting so embarrassed? They own multiple different sex toys together and Castiel has had his tongue in Dean’s ass before. Why is a piece of fabric something that would make him so self-conscious? Is it because of the connotations that come with panties being strictly for women? It’s possible. So much about the last few minutes suddenly makes sense and the worried knot that had lodged itself in Castiel’s chest releases with a wave of relief.

Wait a minute. Didn’t Dean just say that he _has_ a pair of panties? An edge of dread creeps in, taking the place of his previous distress “Did you keep Rhonda’s panties all this time? Are they the ones in the same box I found this skirt in?” He can’t remember the colours of the ones in the box, but he knows there’s more than one pair in there. Has Dean kept a pair from every woman he’s slept with? While it’s not exactly repulsive, It is a fairly odd hobby to have.

“No.” Dean shakes his head quickly. “Those are – they were left here by someone else and I haven’t touched them since they went into that box. The other ones are –” He pauses to swallow thickly, and that reminds Castiel just how difficult this must be for him to admit. “They’re ones that _I_ bought and I have them hidden."

Really? Where? Castiel has helped him put away his laundry before and sort the boxes of stuff that he has left over from his parents. Not once has he ever seen anything resembling a pair of women’s panties that weren’t kept in the box of things left by his exes. He’s exceptionally relieved that the panties never belonged to a woman and, he must admit, he’s _very_ intrigued to learn more about these special ones that Dean bought just for himself. This kind of honesty is exactly what Castiel wanted earlier and he is beyond pleased to be having it – now that the jealous beast inside of him has settled.

Dean shrugs again and starts to fidget with the edge of the blanket; twisting it between his fingers. “I dunno – I mean – I bought them because Rhonda isn’t the only girl I’ve been with who’s wanted me to wear panties.” It appears Castiel spoke too soon. “And there’ve been guys too, y’know? They think I’m pretty or some shit and want to see me in pretty things. Sometimes guys you meet at the bar are weird as fuck, y’know?”

From where Castiel is sitting, there’s nothing weird about wanting to see your partner in something soft and pretty. In fact, he’s having a hard time _not_ picturing it while Dean is talking. The only thing he would consider weird is that people go to the bar to pick up strangers for sex, but that’s just his own personal opinion at work there.

“It just seemed like a good idea to buy a pair that actually fit me.” Dean clears his throat and spares another quick glance at him before staring off at the desk. “Just in case, right?”

What it sounds like is that Dean did it for himself, not for anyone else. He found something that he likes to wear and this is something private and personal that was just revealed. Dean _trusts_ Castiel enough to tell him this. If anything is arousing right now, it’s the honesty that was just displayed. And he absolutely wants to see more of Dean being laid open and bare to him like this.

Castiel leans forward on his hands, amused by how Dean flinches. Usually he’s more than happy to let Dean take over and dominate him as he seems to like to do, but the tables are turning today. The urge to pin him down and take control is growing stronger with every passing second. He revels in the rush that comes with the tilt in their normal dynamics and plays to it when he brushes his lips across Dean’s jaw and up to his ear.

“I want to see you wearing them.” Castiel is careful not to sound _too_ demanding. He doesn’t want to scare Dean off, after all. “Will you show me?”

Surprisingly, the body beneath him actually _relaxes_. A soft sigh washes against the side of his neck as Dean nods. Anticipation sends goosebumps shivering in a rush across Castiel’s skin and he cups Dean’s face between his hands to turn him into a kiss. It’s a little difficult to climb off him while still keeping up with the kisses, but he manages it. They’ve both gotten quite good at kissing while doing other things over the last several months.

Once Dean is on his feet and tottering towards the closet, Castiel takes the chance to get rid of the skirt. He tosses it blindly, unable to take his eyes from Dean’s back for too long. It’s also because he doesn’t want to miss seeing where Dean has been hiding the panties. Sometimes Castiel is too curious for his own good. He’s still a little surprised to find that they were essentially hidden almost in plain sight.

At the bottom of Dean’s closet, kept stacked with his boxes of seasonal clothing, is a shoebox filled with mismatched socks. That’s the box that he picks up. After a little bit of digging, he pulls a little satin pouch from the box. From Castiel’s vantage point where he’s sitting at the end of the bed, the bag appears to be no bigger than a rolled up sock. Now the hiding place makes a little more sense. He watches with baited breath as Dean pulls the panties out of the pouch and sets it aside; catching a glimpse of the soft pink fabric. Was he trying to recreate what he wore with Rhonda when he bought these? Or does Dean just have a heretofore unmentioned affinity for the colour pink?

What care Castiel had for that kind of question is quickly – nay, _immediately_ – forgotten the moment Dean bends over to step into the panties. He watches, mouth hanging open without heed, as the soft and shiny fabric slides up those muscular legs he’s come to love so much. Castiel forgets how to breathe when the panties stretch over the curve of Dean’s ass. There’s no lace on them, but there is a lovely little bow attached to the waistband, nestled in the dip at the lowest point of the small of his back. It’s equal parts cute and sexy, all at the same time.

Now that the panties are in place, Dean turns around again and Castiel falls in love all over again. The blush in his cheeks puts the pink of his panties to shame and the shy glances are enough to make any man, woman, and everything in between swoon. This is a new side to him that Dean is opening up just for Castiel to see and he is beyond aroused by it. Yes, Dean looks absolutely _amazing_ in the panties, but the trust he’s putting in him now is fueling his desire more than anything else. He’s so _vulnerable_ now that his secret is on display and Castiel has to almost physically hold himself back from getting up to touch him with hands and mouth and everything that he has.

That sounds like a good place to start, actually, and Castiel holds his hand out. Dean doesn’t hesitate to answer the silent request and he crosses to the bed immediately. Castiel is having the hardest time looking at just one thing. He wants to hold Dean’s gaze with his own to help keep him calm, but he can’t look away from everything else. An erection is quite obviously developing behind the smooth fabric of the panties, and he’s becoming just a little obsessed with watching seeing how they cling to Dean’s hips while he moves.

Once Dean is standing between his legs, there’s no need to hold himself back anymore. Castiel reaches out to touch the panties; his fingers reverent as he slides them over a secret that he’s fairly certain no one else really knows like he does. And, if he has his way, no one else will ever know either. Dean groans and drops his chin to his chest as his fingers trace the line of his erection standing stark through the pink satin. His eyes are hooded but alert, taking in every second of this moment.

This shy awkwardness Dean has on display now is adorable and Castiel hopes this won’t be the last that he gets to see it. In an effort of praise and just his general affection, he guides Dean down onto his back on the bed. Castiel starts with kisses to the tops of his feet and slowly works his way upwards, alternating from one leg  to the other until he reaches his hips. Dean squirms and gasps when his legs are lifted for a quick lick and kiss to behind his knees. Castiel puts every ounce of love he has into every kiss and the sweep of each hand.

His slow and earnest ministrations appear to be having a positive effect. Dean is being particularly noisy today, and not just with nonsense sounds. He whines Castiel’s name repeatedly as his hands dance back and forth. They can’t seem to seem to settle in one place. If they’re not twisting in his hair, then they’re clutching at the sheets or Dean is arching his back and covering his mouth in some vain attempt to stop his litany of noises. It’s music to Castiel’s ears and he purposefully draws his lips everywhere he knows that will draw out that sweet voice.

It takes quite some time, and a thorough mapping of Dean’s body, before he is finally satisfied. Castiel rests on his belly on the bed between Dean’s legs, but props himself up on his elbows. “What are the rules of these panties? Am I allowed to get them wet?”

Dean snorts a laugh and covers his face with his hands again. He nods and peeks through his fingers. “Y-yeah. Go to town on them. Just – Just don’t rip them, okay?”

Those sound like perfectly acceptable terms and Castiel hums his acknowledgement. He dives right in, almost literally, by mouthing over the hard line of Dean’s penis. The satin is warm and silky under his tongue, and he’s not surprised to find it already damp where it stretches over the head of his erection. Since it’s fine for him to get them damp, Castiel purposefully makes it all manner wet, if only because he knows how much Dean likes it when he’s sloppy like this. He certainly seems like he’s enjoying it as he twists and writhes under him.

Despite being near totally focused on Dean, Castiel still keeps the time in the forefront of his mind. Someone has to remember that Sam is coming home today, and Dean’s head seems to be somewhere else far away right now. He gasps and shudders with what can only be anticipation as Castiel guides him onto his belly. If he was up on his knees with his shoulders in the pillows, than this would be one of Dean’s favourite positions. Since he’s been so sweet to share his kink secrets, perhaps Castiel will be kind enough to give it to him like this later. Personally, he prefers when they do it face to face.

The lube is still sitting out on the bedside table next to the unused plug. Castiel opens the bottle and dumbs a generous amount in his palm, taking a minute to warm it between his fingers. He glances at the plug once more before he settles behind Dean again, wondering when they might use it again. They certainly won’t be using it again today, or any time soon. It’s the kind of toy that they can only really use if Sam isn’t going to be around for longer than a day.

These panties pose an interesting new hurdle to fingering Dean open. Castiel ends up slipping his hand down the back of them, watching with interest at how they pull tight around Dean in all the right ways. This isn’t a new position for them, but he has a bit of trouble getting the leverage he needs with his wrist to really work his fingers in. What if he went from the bottom and just pulled the crotch of the panties aside? Would that work better?

It’s time to experiment  to find a better way to do this. Castiel _really_ wants to try to do this without having to take the panties off. They’re very fetching on Dean and he just loves the effect they seem to be having on him. He certainly looks like he’s feeling this more than normal. They’ve barely done anything and already Dean is acting like he’s _much_ farther along than they really are. The panties are for Dean as the collar and the rope is for Castiel.

With some guidance, he gets Dean to straddle his lap as he lies down on the bed. Entering the panties from below works out much better for him and Castiel wastes no time in starting to prep Dean. If he’s not careful and doesn’t pay attention to the sounds Dean makes or they way he moves, this could be over without really starting. On the other hand, their new position does allow them to kiss again and he is _very_ happy about that.

There’s no end to Dean’s blush and he looks absolutely _stunning_ when he pulls back from the kiss; his head falling back as Castiel crooks his fingers just right. A loud groan breaks the quiet of the room and his hips rock particularly hard, rubbing the satin of his panties against Castiel’s erection. It’s an interesting sensation, but it falls almost completely unnoticed. Everything else is ranking rather low on his list of priorities when he has the truly distracting view of Dean riding his fingers while looking for all the world like he’s still shy from revealing the panties.

It can be argued that Dean looks good in every colour, but Castiel thinks the red of his blush is truly complementary. He can’t resist not touching it and he cups Dean’s cheek with his free hand, pleased as he leans his face into it. While he most certainly has shown these panties to other partners before, Castiel is almost certain that he is the only one who knows the truth behind them. And, he hopes that he is the only one to have seen this expression on him before.

“Your other partners were wrong, Dean.” Castiel draws him back into a kiss, whispering each word against his lips. “If they know you, they would know that you are far more than pretty.” In fact, it’s almost insulting to call him that. “You’re _beautiful_ , Dean.” Though, really, there are no words truly do justice to describe how he shines in Castiel’s eyes.

He is well aware of how _sappy_ his statement is, but he felt that it needed to be said. Dean needs to know that he’s not just attractive in the conventional sense. There’s so much more to him that draws Castiel in like a moth to the flame and he wants Dean to know that. Amazing people should know how amazing they are.

Dean’s eyes go wide and his blush darkens. He muffles a groan as he ducks to hide his face against Castiel’s chest. “Don’t –” His words catch in his throat and he tightens around Castiel’s fingers with a curse. “Cas, I need – We gotta –”

“I know.” Castiel hums and presses a kiss into his hair. He’s feeling much calmer than he usually would be. Perhaps he feels the need to keep the level head when Dean appears to be unravelling at the seams? That’s a logical enough explanation for him.

They’re up to three fingers now and that should be enough preparation. Normally Castiel prefers more, but if Dean thinks he’s ready, than who is he to say no? He uses the sheets to wipe his hand clean before rolling them to switch their positions again. Dean spreads his legs almost eagerly, even as he turns his face to half-hide it in the pillow under his head. His eyes are hooded, but he watches Castiel from the corner of one eye.

“Wait!” He reaches down sharply and grabs Castiel by the wrist as he’s reaching for the lube again. “Put on a – you need to wear a – I don’t want them to get _that_ dirty.”

“Of course, Dean.” Castiel pats him on the wrist before leaning over to get the condoms from the drawer. “Do you want one too?”

He shakes his head and hikes his legs up, the invitation clear. Castiel has never been one to deny him and he returns to sit between them as quickly as he can. Once the condom is on and an extra helping of lube applied to it, he pulls the crotch of the panties aside again. Dean immediately bites his bottom lip and takes a deep breath, still watching Castiel from under his eyelashes. He arches his back with sharp gasp at the first gentle push; groaning deep in his chest.

The first few thrusts are slow and steady, sliding just a little deeper each time until he eventually bottoms out. Dean squirms the whole time, a sweet song of gasps and moans falling from his lips. He reaches up and grabs Castiel by the shoulders, pulling him down until he can press his face to the side of his neck. Dean holds onto him like he’s a drowning man grasping at a life preserver, squeezing him tightly with arms and legs. Castiel doesn’t mind. In fact, he highly encourages it as he works his arms underneath Dean to cradle him to his chest as they rock together.

This is position is forcing them to go slow and sweet, which is usually the opposite of how Dean likes it. He’s clearly feeling things more than usual and Castiel is a little worried about it. Is it really just because of the panties, or is there something more going on? There was something more than just their talk about kinks going on inside Dean’s head, and he has no idea what it could have been. If it really has nothing to do with the panties, then it’s obviously something that he doesn’t want to talk about. He’s using the panties and sex as a distraction and Castiel is allowing it – for now.

At the first soft moan of his name, Castiel nearly loses his rhythm. It’s quiet, barely more than a puff of air against his shoulder, but he catches it between Dean’s usual sounds. By the count of thirteen, he is positive that this is the first time Dean has called his name so much during sex, and it is surprisingly arousing. It’s not just the breathy whine or the soft plea wrapped around his name, so much as it is that Dean is calling for _him_. There’s no one else in his head but Castiel and it evokes a delirious rush of delight that dances along his spine.

He peppers kisses to Dean’s shoulder and the side of his neck; tracing his ear with his tongue and nibbling at the lobe. There’s heat radiating from Dean’s sweat-slick skin and it’s making the room feel ten times hotter than it is. Every shudder under him and every squeeze around his erection is a red flag. Castiel worms a hand between them, pulling apart just enough to pull the panties down just enough to free the head of Dean’s erection. He didn’t want a condom for himself, but he also doesn’t want the panties to be dirtied. Clearly, this is the only course of action that will save them from potentially having to be tossed out with the rest of the garbage. And they are _far_ too nice for that to happen.

Dean comes with a whimper muffled against the skin of Castiel’s shoulder, his nails biting into the tattoos on his back. He shudders and trembles in his arms, gasping so sweetly as they continue to rock together while he comes. Castiel’s own orgasm has been building steadily, but giving Dean pleasure has always been what brings him to the edge the fastest. He’s coming not more than a few moments later, keeping his hips pressed against Dean’s until he’s finished twitching through it.

They both grimace when he pulls out, but they sigh softly in unison as Castiel falls to the side. He adamantly doesn’t let Dean go, perhaps just a little worried that he might try to pull away. Something is going on with him right now and it’s very concerning. Castiel wants to ask about it as they settle together, legs tangled and Dean curled against his chest, but he doesn’t know how to organize his words into the right questions. If he’s not careful, he might cause Dean to withdraw or get angry with him. This is dangerous territory and Castiel needs to be very careful with what he does next.

To his disappointment, they’ve barely got their breathing in order before Dean rolls away to get up. He frowns at his back, his afterglow evaporating quickly. Normally Dean would be all about cuddling right now, especially after an intense love making like the one they just had. There is a _very_ big difference between when they fuck for the sake of sex and when they’re doing it with emotions involved – which was undoubtedly what they just did. The only problem is that Castiel can’t decide what exactly those emotions were in Dean’s case. Of course he knows what he _hopes_ they were.

“I’m going to clean these.” Dean mutters softly, more to himself than Castiel as he slides the panties off. “If I don’t soak them now, they’re going to stain.”

Oh, okay. That’s a reasoning that Castiel can accept, but it doesn’t lessen his worry any. Something is _definitely_ going on with Dean and he’s keeping it all bottled up. That goes directly against the terms of their agreement – though Castiel has been guilty of that too many times to really judge. And that’s not even including that he’s kept his own feelings for Dean hidden since _before_ their arrangement.

Castiel mulls over the best way to broach the situation all through cleaning up and taking a shower together. The hot shower seems to loosen the tension in Dean’s shoulders somewhat. He relaxes enough to comfortably lean against Castiel’s chest and simply enjoy being pampered for a little while. It is, perhaps, a little concerning that he isn’t acting like his normal happy self. Usually he would be humming a happy, jaunty tune when Castiel cleans him from head to toe. Today he is silent and it’s just a little bit terrifying.

It feels like Dean is starting to slip through his fingers. He showed Castiel something deeply personal to him, but now he’s closed himself off. Dean can lean against him and hold him during their shower, but it’s not the _same_. The only proof Castiel has is that Dean shakes his head and tightens his grip when he whispers his name, putting all his curiosity and concern into that one word. Using the panties doesn’t really count as a _scene_ , does it? Is Dean suffering from some kind of sub drop? It certainly seems like it, given the ‘symptoms’ he’s exhibiting.

Maybe he really _wasn’t_ okay with revealing his secret about the panties? Did Castiel push him too far? He can’t shake the feeling that this is somehow his fault. Castiel knows that pressing the matter might not be the right course of action, but he _needs_ to know.

“Dean?” He keeps his voice soft, trying not to sound too pushy. “Was that alright?”

“Yeah.”

The answer is immediate, but clipped, and he doesn’t believe it. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Dean draws out of his arms to turn off the water. It’s just as unconvincing as the first; merely confirming that everything is _not_ alright.

Where are the smiles and the soft kisses? Where is the usual praise and affection that follows sex? These hugs feel half-hearted and Castiel is dreading what they could mean. He tries his best not to let that worry show as he takes on the task of drying them both off. Dean is listless and had no objection when Castiel washed him. Now he stands just as still, eyes downcast as he’s dried off. He even holds his arms out of the way as Castiel ties the towel around his waist for him. For a moment, a shadow of a smile ghosted over his lips, but it was gone in a blink.

This silence is weighing too heavy on him and Castiel can’t take it anymore. As soon as he has his own towel on too, he turns to Dean and steels himself for what is about to happen. The risk runs high that he won’t like being confronted, but this _mood_ is infuriating and confusing and he just can’t stand by and let it carry on without knowing _why_.

Dean looks up sharply, blinking in surprise, as soon as he realizes that he’s being backed up against the vanity. The fact that he didn’t realize it was happening sooner is troublesome. Castiel leans in to rest his hands on the counter, effectively hemming Dean in and giving him no chance of escape. Cornering him like this is a dangerous game to play, but it’s the only way to make sure that he’s actually paying attention to what’s going on.

“Cas?” His eyebrows draw together into a confused little frown.

“Dean.” Castiel keeps his voice gentle, but his jaw is set with determination. “At the beginning of our arrangement, we promised that we would communicate with one another.” He clears his throat and glances away briefly. “I am aware that I have failed to do that a few times when I was trying to do something to surprise you, but this is –” He looks back, a worried frown breaking through. “Dean, this is different. Things are not alright. Please, won’t you talk to me?”

The smile Dean gives him might be meant to put him at ease, but it’s far too strained to be comforting. “Don’t worry about me.” He slips his arms around Castiel’s waist, pulling him in for a hug to rest their foreheads together. Now _this_ is calming and he can’t help relaxing into it.

“I’ve just – I’ve never told anyone that I like wearing panties. Everyone else always mentioned it first and I would tell them that someone had left a pair here once. So, you –” He shrugs and drops his gaze as if he were embarrassed. “You’re just the first person that I’ve told about how I actually _own_ those.”

That _sounds_ truthful enough, but Castiel still has his doubts. “I can’t tell if you’re lying to me or not.”

“It’s the truth.” This time the smile is more genuine and Dean follows it up with the kind of kiss Castiel expected to get much sooner than this. It’s soft and sweet, and eases his nerves enough that he can almost fully relax.

“Fine. I believe you.” With a sigh, he leans fully into Dean and hooks his chin over his shoulder. He watches himself in the mirror, wondering if perhaps he’s being too lenient about this. “Does that mean you’ll tell me about your other kinks now?”

Dean goes stiff against him for a moment before he shrugs slightly. “I dunno. I’ve never really thought about it since there’s, like, a shit ton of things that can be considered kinks. Hair pulling, for one. Hell, even _glasses_ are considered a kink.”

Castiel already knows that Dean likes having his hair pulled sometimes. Usually it’s only when he’s giving a blow job or if they’re being rough and he’s on his hands and knees. His affinity for it has most definitely rubbed off on him and Castiel likes it quite a bit too. The glasses thing, however, is entirely new to him.

“You like glasses?” He leans back enough to fix Dean with a curious look.

“Sorta.” Again, Dean shrugs and looks away. “I mean, yeah? It’s like – I dunno – I think smart is sexy and I kind of connect the two, y’know?”

Yes, that does sound like something Dean would do. Castiel hums to himself and steps back, already running over a list of places that he could get a set of fake glasses. He’s almost certain that Gabriel has frames in his box of Halloween costumes that he’s amassed over the years. It will be very suspicious to ask to borrow them well past Halloween. He might have to do his best to _sneak_ them out. Castiel was given an emergency key for the new apartment a while ago. Could he swing this as an emergency to rationalize going in unannounced?

He’ll think about that more later. Right now, Dean might actually be willing to open up more and Castiel can’t lose this opportunity. “What else do you find sexy?”

After a moment of hesitation, Dean turns around with a shrug to pull his leather toiletries bag from the cabinet behind the mirror. “You already know what I find sexy, Cas.”

“But not _everything_.” He follows Dean’s example and side-steps around him to get his own toothbrush. “I want to know what you find sexy. If you think of anything that you would personally like to try, will you tell me?” It’s a bit of a cheap ploy, but Castiel pulls the wide-eyed puppy eyes on him, knowing that they have a high success rate at getting what he wants.

Dean visibly wilts under the power of the puppy stare and he looks away to add toothpaste to his own toothbrush. "Roleplaying. It’s I can’t say that I’ve actually _done_ any, outside of D &D and whatever, but it’s something that I’d like to try.”

Hah! Castiel _knew_ that would be one of them. There was no way what happened on Halloween was just a one off thing. The only thing surprising here is to learn that Dean hasn’t done it before with his previous partners. He buys himself some time to think while brushing his teeth. What kind of things would Dean like to roleplay? What are themes that he enjoys? The fantasy aspect might be one. He does _really_ like Lord of the Rings, after all.

As soon as he rinses his mouth out, Castiel turns to Dean again. He can’t help pressing now. It’s so _exciting_ to learn about something _new_. “Is there anything in particular that you’d like to roleplay?” He’s fairly certain that he would be open to just about any theme that Dean might want to try.

It takes him a lot longer to answer; clearly drawing out brushing his teeth. Eventually, he has to spit too and Dean wipes the back of his hand across his mouth as he straightens again. “Maybe – Okay, you know that medical drama I watch?”

Oh _God_. Not that stupid Dr. Sexy show. Castiel _loathes_ it with a passion for a mulitude of reasons. “How many times do I have to say that no doctor would _ever_ –”

“But it’s the boots that make Dr. Sexy sexy!” Dean follows him as Castiel heads into the hallway.

Regardless of that fact, Castiel is perhaps just a little bit jealous of how much Dean likes the actor who plays him. “I am not going to dress up as a doctor in _cowboy boots_ , Dean. It’s ridiculous.” And he _definitely_ won’t do it just so Dean can pretend that he’s having sex with someone else. It makes his stomach turn just to think about it.

“I didn’t say you _had_ to. I’m just saying that Dr.Sexy is, well, _sexy_.” Dean’s insistence isn’t helping any. He’s essentially pointing out that he’s attracted to someone else and it’s souring Castiel’s mood faster than he cares to admit. “For the record, I find the cowboy boots sexy because _cowboys_ are sexy. I’d probably be down to try wild west roleplay too.”

Now that is something that Castiel can do. Gabriel hasn’t dressed as a cowboy in recent memory, so that costume might not be as easy to acquire as glasses or a lab coat. And Castiel already has a stethoscope wrapped up in his possessions somewhere. It was a gift from his father when he entered the pre-med program and it was salvaged from the dorms after the fire. He’s almost positive that it’s currently stored with his things at Gabriel’s apartment.

A plan is already starting to form  to put together a doctor’s outfit – one that has _nothing_ to do with Dr. Sexy. Castiel pauses at the door to Dean’s bedroom to turn and give him a quick kiss. “I’ll think about it.” It’s the closest to a promise that he can give right now.

Dean opens his mouth and his eyes widen slightly, but he says nothing. He stays standing in the doorway to his room as Castiel returns to his own bed. He’s going to go casual with his clothing choices for the rest of the day; sweat pants and a sweater sounds about right. By the time he drops his towel to pull on his underwear, Dean has already ducked into his bedroom. Castiel dresses quickly before going to join him again. They made a mess of that bedroom together and he should help clean up.

He pauses in the doorway and glances around the room to see what needs to be done. Dean is partially kneeling on the mattress at the head of the bed as he opens the window, a nice breeze wafting in immediately. The skirt that Castiel had thrown aside earlier is on the floor by his feet and he picks it up. He turns it over in his hands, inspecting it for any stains. It seems clean as far as he can tell. He looks up as Dean crouches to pull the shoebox of their toys out from underneath the bed.

“It’s time to put the skirt away too, isn’t it?” Castiel folds it slowly, wondering if he might ever wear it again. He doesn’t have that much of an attachment to it, but it was fun to wear and he did like the way Dean looked at him when he wore it. “Should I put it back in the box I found it in?”

“That’s up to you. Put it wherever you want.” Dean shrugs and opens the shoebox, already reaching for the plug and the collar on the beside. He pauses and glances at Castiel, eyes darting between his face and the skirt. “We should be able to fit it in this shoebox.”

While he tries not to, it’s incredibly difficult not to smile. There’s the proof he needs to know that Dean actually liked him in the skirt and he’s pleased to have the confirmation. Dean ducks his head with a soft smile of his own as he dumps the box out on the bed. It takes a combined effort between the both of them to try and find a way to fit everything into the shoe box. The lid doesn’t fit on quite right when they’re done, but it will have to do for now.

Castiel takes the box to its place in the closet as Dean hastily makes the bed. It looks like he’s made the decision not to clean his sheets today, even though they probably should be thrown in the wash. But it’s Dean’s choice and it’s not like Castiel is going to be sleeping in it tonight. With Sam home again soon, he’ll have to go back to his own bed and that’s a depressing thought he doesn’t want to dwell on. He’s gotten far too used to sleeping beside Dean and tonight is going to be a lonely one.

When he turns around again, Dean looks to be in deep thought. His eyes are focused on the space at the end of the bed; his brows furrowed. Castiel considers leaving him to think his own thoughts, but he’s still not completely certain that everything is still okay. Dean is an excellent actor when he wants to be.

He clears his throat with a soft cough to get his attention. “Are you hungry?”

Dean looks up after a moment, blinking a few times before he focuses on Castiel. “Yeah, but I don’t feel like cooking.” He tugs the corner of the blanket into place and starts towards the door. “What do you think of pizza?”

That sounds like an acceptable alternative and Castiel follows at his heels. “Please remember to get one that doesn’t have meat on it. Sam and I do enjoy _non_ -meat pizzas.”

Castiel’s wallet is in his bag, resting next to his nightstand. He crosses the living room to pull it out. There should have enough cash to cover half the cost of the pizza. It’s only fair that they split it. Dean is already sorting through the coupons they keep in a drawer in the kitchen and Castiel leaves the money with him. He’ll trust him to order the right pizzas and split the costs fairly. While he does that, there’s cleaning to be done and Castiel rolls up the sleeves of his sweater, ready to eradicate any proof of their passionate weekend together – though he does it with a heavy heart

*

The remains of the vegetarian’s delight is cooling in the fridge with the one slice of meat lover’s delight that Castiel was able to save for Sam. With a full belly, Castiel has been fighting the urge to doze while he and Dean have been nestled together on the couch. He zoned out from their movie a while ago and has since been just comfortably not really thinking about anything. Part of that is a little forced, considering that Dean has been texting with someone on and off for the last little while. Castiel has no idea who it is and he’s trying _very_ hard not to be nosy enough to ask about them.

His own mental state aside, his heart very nearly jumps out of his chest at the first jingle of keys in the hallway. That could be their neighbours across the hall and Castiel holds his breath, waiting to see. When he hears them scrape into the lock, he knows that things have officially come to an end. Dean looks at him, confused, as he quickly draws away to curl himself into the opposite side of the couch.

A moment later, the door swings open and Sam steps in. “Hey, guys!” He spreads his arms wide, smiling brightly as they both turn on the couch to look at him. “Did you miss me?”

Castiel does the only right thing and he pauses the movie before standing up. “Welcome home, Sam. Do you need help with your bags?”

“Nah, don’t worry. I’ve just got the one.” He lifts the strap from his shoulder to prove his point before dropping the bag. The door swings shut behind him and he starts kicking his shoes off. “What are you guys up to?”

“Pizza and movies.” Dean shrugs and settles back into the couch, slouching a little more than he was before. “Your nasty veggie crap is in the fridge.”

“And I saved you a slice of meat, otherwise Dean would have eaten it all and left you none.” Contrary to Dean’s belief, the vegetarian pizza was actually rather delicious; but no amount of coercion could get him to try it. Castiel is half convinced that he refused purely out of spite and not out of actual dislike for vegetables.

Dean huffs and shrugs, eyes fixed on the TV. He waves his hand at Sam and gestures towards the TV remote. “Grab your nasty pizza and park your ass. We’ve got a movie to finish.”

“Sounds good to me! I’m _starving_.” Sam ducks into the kitchen and returns moments later with the remaining pizza box. He takes a seat in the open space left in the center of the couch and Castiel presses play, picking up where they left off.

It might just be his imagination, though he’s fairly certain it’s not, but Dean looks significantly less happy than he was before Sam came home. He’s now slouched deep in his corner of the couch, his arms crossed tightly over his chest. While he’s not exactly _glaring_ at the TV, it does look like he’s frowning. Sam doesn’t seem to notice, as he launches into talking about his weekend in between mouthfuls of pizza. Castiel doesn’t mind, as they’ve already seen this movie.

The pizza has been utterly demolished by the time the end credits start rolling up the screen. All of three names have been revealed before Dean is on his feet and holding out his hand to Sam. “Well, that was fun. I need the car keys.”

“Coat pocket.” He jerks a thumb over his shoulder to where his coat is hanging in the closet. Sam tilts and amused smile in Castiel’s direction, eyebrows raised like he’s making a joke. “You going to make sure that your car is still in one piece? I promise that I took really good care of it.”

“That and I’m going out with Benny.” Dean shrugs and steps up onto the couch. He hops over the back of it as Sam’s amused look falls into a concerned frown – one that Castiel mirrors.

As far as he knows, when Dean and Benny hang out, it’s usually at a bar. Castiel has never heard of them going out together to anywhere else. From what he can remember, it’s been a rather long time since the two of them have gone to the bar. Dean has been quite obviously avoiding them ever since that one weekend where he was drunk for near a whole weekend and upset basically everyone he knows. If this is a return of old habits, Castiel’s not sure he’s going to be able to stomach it again. His heart is already pounding painfully in his ears and his insides are trying to rearrange themselves into uncomfortable new positions that he is _not_ fond of.

With a sigh, Dean pulls his jacket out of the closet and pulls it on. “I’m not going to the bar to drink. I’m going to talk with Benny and _maybe_ have a few beers. He’s going to make sure that I don’t have too much. I promise.”

That promise is supposed to be comforting, but Castiel’s head is swimming with all the potential things that could happen tonight. Worse yet, why didn’t Dean tell him he was planning this? Is Benny the one he was texting earlier? If so, then why was this something he was keeping to himself? He’s never hidden something like this before. It doesn’t help matters that Dean is pointedly not looking at them as he gets the keys to the Impala and slides his boots on.

Instead of explaining further, Dean ducks out the door with a short wave. “Bye.”

The door swings shut on the echo of his footsteps down the hall. Castiel’s chest feels tight and he gets up, intent on finding his phone. His earlier suspicions are back in force. Things are _not_ okay and that means Dean lied to him.

“Did something happen with him today?” Sam stands up with the pizza box in hand. He throws Castiel a worried lock as he sits on the edge of his bed, his phone already in his hand and unlocked. “Dean seemed – was something off with him or was that just me?”

“He’s been like that since this afternoon.” Castiel taps to open his messaging app and finds Dean’s name at the top of the list. “I don’t know what’s going on or what caused it.”

Sam makes a worried noise and disappears into the kitchen. Castiel chews at this bottom lip as he types out a quick message. **_Are you okay?_** He wouldn’t be surprised if Sam decided to send something along the same lines later.

A little wave of relief washes through him, easing at least some of his nerves when he gets an answer shortly after hitting send. **_Fine just gotta talk 2 Benny for a bit._**

Talk to him about what? The fact that there’s a topic that Dean didn’t want to talk to Castiel about adds a new edge of pain to the vice closing around his chest. This mood of Dean’s has been around for hours now – and well before Sam got home. What could it possibly be about that he couldn’t broach the subject with _him_? He even said earlier that it was okay and there was nothing bothering him. This is the second time today now that Dean has lied to him and Castiel honestly doesn’t know what to do with it.

His hands shake slightly as he takes a new angle in an attempt to get Dean to open up to him. **_About the lingerie?_** Maybe some light humour will be able to crack this new wall that’s formed between them.

Dean’s answer is just as quick as before. **_I’ll bring it up 4 u._**

Again, that’s not what he wants to hear. Castiel rubs a hand over his face, his shoulders slouching until he can rest his elbows on his knees. He shouldn’t have pushed Dean for his kinks earlier. Somehow that caused something to happen within Dean and he has no idea what it could be. The memory of Dean looking up at him, his eyes bright and wide, is still so crisp and clear in his mind. That was the exact moment when their day took a turn and Castiel wishes he knew _why_.

 ** _If you ever need to talk, I’m here for you too._** While that should be a given, Castiel sends the message anyways. It’s possible that Dean might have forgotten that before their sexual arrangement was formed, he was a friend first and he can still be one of those.

The response this time takes a little longer. **_I know Cas but maybe later gotta figure some things out right now with him._**

Figure something out? Does that mean Dean is confused about something? The darkest, most self-deprecating voices in Castiel’s head rise above the rest of his thoughts, bringing with them the suggestion that maybe Dean is turning to Benny for assistance with figuring out how to end things. What if he’s reached the end of his willingness to participate in their sexual relationship and he just doesn’t know how to dissolve the arrangement? There’s also always the worse option that he wants to end their friendship entirely, but Dean wouldn’t do that. Would he?

Castiel shakes his head and takes a few deep breaths to find his center.  It’s exceptionally difficult and he squeezes his phone in a white knuckled grip. He feels like he’s losing everything and he doesn’t know what to _do_ to save it. All he has left to him right now is to let Dean know that he cares and – and what? Should he tell him that he loves him? What kind of effect would that have on – on anything?

Sam walks back into the room just as Castiel sends one more message. **_Okay. I’ll see you when you come home. Drive safe._** And _God_ but he hopes Dean really will be coming home tonight.

“Everything okay, Cas?” Sam crosses the room to sit next to him. He puts his arm around his shoulders and gives them a squeeze. “I’m worried about Dean too, but we can trust Benny to take care of him. He knows what shit Dean got in the last time and he’s not going to let it happen again.”

That isn’t exactly the problem here, but Castiel still gives him a thankful smile. “I know.” He just wishes that he could know for certain whether or not this is his fault. Or, rather, what caused it to happen in the first place.

“I’m sure it’ll be okay and I’ve already texted Benny to keep me updated if Dean starts getting – y’know – _Dean-ish_.” He pats Castiel on the shoulder once more before standing. “I’m going to unpack my stuff. You want to watch another movie after?”

It would be nice to hang out with him, but he can’t imagine that a movie would distract him from his thoughts much. Castiel looks down at his phone again before putting it aside. He’ll have to try and get past this until Dean gets home and they can talk again. “I think I’ll try and get some studying done. I have a paper coming up that I need to do some research for before I start writing it.”

Sam crinkles his nose with a laugh. “Augh, papers. They’re the one thing I could do without!”

“Agreed.”

*

Castiel nearly knocks his laptop to the ground when his phone starts ringing on the other side of the room. He left it on his nightstand when he took everything to the couch to study. Sam is on the floor on the other side of the coffee table, his own notebooks spread out before him so he can amalgamate his notes onto his laptop. He’s one of the few people that Castiel knows who still takes notes by hand. Sam also records classes to listen to later, though it’s all because he doesn’t want to haul his laptop around campus and risk losing or damaging it.

With his computer safely placed aside, Castiel springs from the couch to get it before the ringing stops. He doesn’t mean to be, but he’s still disappointed to see Gabriel’s face on the screen instead of Dean’s. Even though he wasn’t getting much (if any) studying actually done, he’s not so sure that he wants to take a break and talk to his brother. Regardless, he still swipes to accept the call. There’s a slight possibility that talking with Gabriel will be more distracting to him than reading the same line of text for five minutes without really absorbing it.

“Little brother!”

Gabriel practically shouts his greeting and Castiel yanks the phone away from his head in surprise. He rolls his eyes and puts it back to his ear. “It’s a cell phone, Gabriel, not a can on a string. You don’t need to yell for me to hear you.”

“What can I say? I’m excited you actually picked up.”

“Am I supposed to be avoiding your calls, or are you just being weirder than normal?” Castiel sighs and returns to the couch, crossing his legs under him. “Is there a reason for your call?”

There’s a huff on the other end of the line that translates to static. “It absolutely does feel like you’ve been avoiding me. When was the last time I saw you outside of work, Cassie? Huh?”

He has a point there. “Is it safe to say that you’re calling to arrange a time for us to hang out?”

“It’s like you’re reading my mind!” Gabriel laughs loud enough that Castiel again has to hold the phone away from his ear. Sam raises an eyebrow at him and he shakes his head before listening to the call again. “– this week?”

Oops. It seems he missed something there. “I’m sorry, what did you say? My ear was ringing because you’re just so _loud_.”

“How rude! And here I was inviting you over for fun and games with your favourite couple! Never mind. I rescind my offer.”

Castiel sighs and pins the phone between his ear and his shoulder so his hands are free to get everything in place again. “What day would you like me to come over?”

The smile can be heard in Gabriel’s voice. “When are you free?”

Good question. “Can I text you my schedule later? It’s on the wall in the kitchen and I just got settled on the couch again. We’ll figure out a date that way.”

“Fine, fine. I know when I’m not wanted.” He sounds so dejected that Castiel does feel a little bad. If he was in a better mood, then maybe they would talk more right now. He’ll have to make it up to Gabriel later with a bouquet of lollipops or something.

“I would love to talk, but I’m in the middle of studying with Sam right now.” Castiel takes the phone in hand again and switches it to his other ear. Really, the call wasn’t all that necessary in the first place. Gabriel usually texts him every other day. “We can set things up later.”

“F-i-i-i-i-ine.” It comes across as a whine, but it’s more of a sigh. “I’ll let you know what days Kali and I are free and then you fill in the blanks with your times. Sound good?”

Castiel starts tapping aimlessly at his keyboard, if only to sound like he’s actually busy. “Yes, that sounds good. I look forward to seeing you two.”

“Us too. I’m getting withdrawal from my little brother now that you’ve moved away from me.”

That gets a laugh out of him and Castiel sits back against the couch. He’s been living with the Winchesters for quite some time now and this is the first that he’s hearing of this. Despite how they see each other at the café a few times a week, it’s just not the same as it was when they were living together. “I miss you too.”

“Don’t. You’re gonna make me all misty over here.” Gabriel fakes a loud sniff and follows it up with a chuckle. “Tell the Samsquatch _hi_ for me and give Dean-o a good smack if he’s not being the absolutely _perfect_ roommate, got it?”

“Got it.” He rolls his eyes again, a default reaction when talking with his brother. “Goodnight, Gabriel. I’ll speak to you again soon.”

After a long goodbye because it’s just oh so hard for Gabriel to stop talking, he hangs up. Castiel looks up at Sam with a wry smile. “He says hello.”

“Yeah, I heard.” Sam laughs and waves a dismissive hand. “Your volume is up _way_ too loud on your phone, man. I could hear practically every word.”

He would have to agree on that. Castiel adjusts the call volume and holds the home button until all open apps shows up. With a few quick flicks of his thumb, he closes all but the messaging app. His conversation with Dean is still open and he makes the app full screen to read over the last few texts sent. They make his heart twist painfully. Before he really knows what he’s doing it, he starts typing out another message.

 ** _You seemed upset when you left._** He hits send and stares at the screen until the received check mark appears next to the message. Hopefully that will get across that he’s more worried than Dean might think he is. Castiel desperately wants some kind of message in return that will put all his nerves to rest.

It’s not more than a few minutes later when he picks up the phone again, unsettled with leaving things like that. **_I hope the talk with Benny helped._**

Castiel still doesn’t like that he wasn’t the one that Dean turned to, but he sincerely hopes that their talk was beneficial. Or, at least, he hopes that it was good for _both_ of them. If it was about how to end things, then he hopes that it went terribly and Benny told him not to do it. That just makes him feel even worse, because he shouldn’t keep Dean in a relationship – sexual or not – that he doesn’t want to be in. It’s too selfish of him and he hates how torn this is making him feel.

Sam closes one of his notebooks and opens a new one. He pauses while flipping through the papers, his eyes on Castiel. “You’ve got that look again. Did Dean text you back?”

“No, it’s fine.” He puts his phone aside and forces a smile. “How are your notes going?”

“Pretty good. This is the last one to transcribe.” Sam flips to the page he needs and taps the words. “Then I have to pad them off with my records. After that, I’m going to share them with the friends that went with me and they’ll fill them in with their own notes. We made a pact to share everything because we didn’t all attend the exact same classes offered in the workshop. It was easier to spread it out between all of us.”

Castiel is a little impressed with their planning and he nods along throughout the explanation. “I should see if Balthazar wants to do that with me. He always records our classes and I just take notes throughout. It would be interesting to see if I’m missing anything.” He’s never had need for a recorder before, but he really would like to see the difference between their notes.

“Definitely ask him.” Sam smiles, bright and pleased. “It can’t hurt anything, right?”

That is where Castiel would have to disagree. A lot of things could be hurt by simply asking. Especially if his recent experiences are of any indication. Even still, he nods and drops his eyes back to his laptop. It’s a silent end to their brief conversation and Sam respects it. The click of the keys on their respective keyboards fills the comfortable quiet between them.

As expected, focusing on his studies is still just as hard as it was before.

*

Sam has already retired to his room, exhausted from a long day and a longer weekend. His door is shut and the light is off under the door. If Castiel put his ear to the wood, he would propably hear his snores. The only time Sam really _snores_ is when he’s exhausted, and if he’s fallen asleep in a weird position like that one time he passed out on the couch with an arm above his head, his foot hooked over the back of the couch, and twisted partially on his side.

Castiel turned on Dean’s bedroom light and mostly shut the door to leave some light in the room, but he’s otherwise sitting under the covers of his bed with nothing else but the glow from his phone. He closed his messaging app a while ago just so he wouldn’t keep skipping back and forth between that and his Nonograms puzzle game. It’s late enough in the evening that he should be at least trying to sleep, especially since he has classes _and_ a work shift tomorrow, but he can’t do it. Sleep is too far beyond him when he doesn’t know if Dean is coming home or not.

He honestly doesn’t expect for a message notification to pop up over his game, but he’s _very_ happy to see Dean’s name at the top of it. Castiel swipes to open the message and a slow smile spreads as he reads it over.

**_Yah it helped & on my way home now_ **

This means Dean is sober enough to drive, and he most definitely did _not_ go home with anyone else. Whatever the talk with Benny was about, Dean is coming home and that’s all the really matters right now. Castiel is going to do his best to not think about how there is a slight possibility that their arrangement could end tonight. He would rather focus on the positive, even if it’s really hard to do.

He sends a message right back. **_That’s good. I’ll see you soon._** Castiel chews his bottom lip before sending another somewhat more suggestive message. **_Sam has already gone to bed._**

That second text could be taken to mean that Dean should be quiet when he comes home so he doesn’t wake his brother, but he hopes it will be taken another way too. If Sam is in bed, they can get away with a quick kiss or two before going to their separate beds. It’s going to be difficult to sleep alone again and Castiel is really not looking forward to it. He can only hope that he won’t feel too sad when Dean’s door shuts without him on the other side.

Castiel turns his phone off and plugs it into the cord hanging from the corner of his nightstand. His alarms are set and he’s as ready to return to the real world tomorrow as he can be. This weekend has felt like a dream and he wishes he could stay in it, or at least bring parts of it back with him. He wants to be able to go on dates with Dean every weekend, and hold his hand all the time. It would be so nice to cuddle openly on the couch, even with Sam home. He would absolutely _love_ to spend every night falling asleep next to Dean, and waking up every morning to see him drooling on the pillow.

Those wishes entertain him until he hears the keys in the lock. Castiel grips the edge of the blanket and watches the door in the dark, waiting for the spill of the light from the hallway. He squints against it as Dean quickly ducks into the apartment and shuts the door again. After a few moments of shuffling with his coat and his shoes, Dean’s dark shape slides across the room only to be briefly illuminated by the light coming through the crack of his bedroom door. He turns at the end of the couch and moves to the edge of Castiel’s bed.

“Hey, huggybear.” Dean leans one knee on the bed and puts a hand on his shoulder. “You awake?”

“Yes.” Castiel pushes himself up to sit, smiling when Dean’s hand moves to cup his cheek. “How was your time with Benny?”

He hums softly and leans down for a kiss, catching him on the corner of his mouth. “Really good. Come with me for a bit, okay?”

Castiel nods and Dean moves to help pull him to his feet. He takes his hand and guides him to his bedroom. Dean closes the door until it touches the frame without fully shutting it. Any curiosity Castiel had is satisfied almost immediately as Dean pulls him into a hug, his arms tight around his waist. The kiss that follows it is gentle, but insistent and he gives in to it with a soft murmur of delight. With a kiss like this, all his worries about their arrangement ending disappear in a puff a smoke.

There’s a passion to Dean’s kiss that Castiel doesn’t even think to categorize as sexual. It’s just so _nice_ and he never wants it to end. If anything, it’s going to leave his heart reeling in a tsunami of hope. Sam is home but Dean still wants to take the risk of kissing him. Dean’s earlier mood has turned completely around and Castiel couldn’t be happier. If anything, he has the creeping feeling that something _good_ is coming their way.

If it’s going to be something good, then Castiel hopes that it’s going to be the chance he never thought he might have. Moments like this always boost his courage and his confidence. Maybe, just maybe, he might be able to tell Dean how he feels soon enough. Castiel is just going to have to bide his time until he sees if that chance will actually come.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> \- "cross dressing" kinda?  
> \- bottom!Dean  
> \- fingering  
> \- cockwarming  
> \- bottom!Cas


	44. Chapter 44

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings at the bottom of the chapter**
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter takes place between, during, and after [Chapter 28](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/6389585), [Chapter 29](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/6527813), and [Chapter 30](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/6831464)of the _A Little Patience_ story line.

“I’m, like, two block away. Wait for me in the lobby.”

Castiel looks up and down the hallway as he rifles through his pockets for his set of keys with one hand. He’d use the other, but it’s currently holding his phone to his ear. “Don’t rush. I’m just going to wait for you in your apartment.”

Gabriel groans loudly and Castiel can hear the _thump_ of him hitting the steering wheel. “C’mon, Cassie! I said _lobby_ not _apartment_.”

“I have a key to your apartment.” He sighs, twisting to fetch the keys out of the pocket on the opposite side of his body from his free hand. “I’m going to use it and I’ll wait for you in the privacy of your own home.” Besides, he needs to do a little searching and apparently he has far less time than he initially thought he would.

“Just wait for me downstairs! I’ll be there in, like, five minutes. It’s not that long of a wait to be out and about with _people_ , Cassie.”

Five minutes is exactly how long Castiel will need to go through the storage room. Which is really just unfortunate for Gabriel. “Do you have something you need me to help carry up?”

Confusion fills Gabriel’s voice. “No?”

“Is there something in your apartment that I’m not supposed to see?” Castiel pins his phone between his ear and his shoulder as he locates the correct key on his keychain.

“No, we already wrapped your Christmas gifts.”

“Then I’m going to wait in your apartment and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.” To accent his point, he jingles his keys by his mouth before putting them in his lock. “Hear that? That’s the sound of me going into your apartment.”

Gabriel thumps the steering wheel again. “You _suck_ , Cassie.”

He hums and opens the door. “Maybe next time you shouldn’t give me a key to your apartment.”

With a huff, the line goes dead. It looks like he was hung up on and Castiel doesn’t mind in the slightest. He has a hunt to do and a small time frame to do it. The only courtesy he gives is to kick off his shoes as he shoves his phone into his pocket. Their insuite storage is off the hallway next to the bedroom and he all but runs right too it. He’s seen this overly large closet a few times now and he is never not impressed whenever he sees it.

If there’s one thing about Kali that Castiel likes, and he does like her quite a bit, it’s that she likes organization. Everything in their storage room is in neat, labeled boxes on the shelves and stacked together on the floor. It takes him literal _seconds_ to find the box of Halloween things and he drags it down from its shelf to kneel on the floor and sift through it. When his fingers close around the frame of Gabriel’s fake glasses, Castiel pulls them free with a triumphant grin. The frames have no glass in them, but they’ll still work for what he needs.

A few things had fallen out of the box during his search and he quickly stuffs them back inside. He makes sure that the lid is secured before he shoves it back on the shelf. By his reckoning, it looks exactly as it was when he walked in and hopefully no one will notice a slight change in placement or otherwise. The last thing he needs is for Kali or Gabriel to question what he could possibly need these glasses for. Likewise, he’s going to have to sneak them back after today. If all goes well, he’ll get his own pair.

The next box he pulls down is the one of the two big ones labeled with his name. It’s just items he had shipped from his parents’ home when he moved in with Gabriel that he deemed weren’t important enough to bring to the Winchester’s apartment. He has to go through both boxes before he finds which one has the flat square box with his stethoscope in it. Once he has that to, he puts both storage bins away and leaves the closet. The glasses and the stethoscope get hidden in his bag as he makes his way back to the living room.

Castiel hangs up his coat on the available coat rack before he drops onto the couch. He has just enough time to put up an act of being completely relaxed before Gabriel walks in the door; huffing and sweating like he ran here. His phone is even in hand by that point and Castiel glances up as he opens his messaging app. “Took you long enough.”

Gabriel glares at him as he shuts the door a little harder than necessary. “You seriously couldn’t wait downstairs for me?”

“And delay enjoying the comfiness of this couch?” He bounces in place a few times as he looks back to his phone, already starting to type out a message to Dean to let him know that he’s having dinner at Gabriel’s and he won’t be back until later. “Not a chance.”

That earns him a coat to the face and Castiel waits until he’s sent his message before he throws it back. Gabriel grumbles to himself as he picks it up to hang it on the stand too. He puts his shoes away in the closet and moves Castiel’s in there too before he comes to stand at the edge of the couch. With

With his hands on his hips, he glares Castiel down again. “Well, Kali is going to be home in about an hour. She suggested we order in, but I want to cook for you. Not that you deserve it.”

Castiel tucks his phone away, knowing how annoying it can be when you’re spending time with someone and they pay more attention to their phone than those they’re with. “You do whatever you want to do. I will happily allow myself to be catered to.”

“Oh you think so, do you?” Gabriel snorts and grabs him under the elbow, giving his arm a sharp tug to pull him upright. “Hell no. _You_ are going to go into the storage room and pick out no less than _three_ board games. We’re going to have a nice little family night tonight and I don’t want to hear any complaining from you. Got it?

As if he would complain about that. Those kinds of nights are some of his favourites at the Winchester’s apartment and Castiel is ecstatic that he has a second family here that he can do it with. It’s certainly not something that they ever did together with their parents, and Castiel wasn’t close enough with anybody at any of his boarding schools to have ever played _games_ with them.

Part of him wants to continue giving Gabriel sass, maybe in the form of an eye roll or two, but he can’t bring himself to do it. Castiel does exactly as he’s told and brings the games to the living room table. He specifically picked three that he’s never played before, because he does like to try new things. If these are any good, he might ask to borrow them when he leaves tonight so he can play it with Dean, Sam, and Jess. They would like that.

He takes a seat at the island counter to watch as Gabriel starts banging around making supper. The conversation that starts up is mostly catching up on each other’s lives, not that they don’t already know most things. Castiel is currently taking his exams. In fact, he took one earlier this morning and that’s why he agreed to dinner tonight. This is his after-exam relaxation period before he goes back to studying for the one he has in a few days. Both he and Sam are really looking forward to being finished their exams by next week. Jess, unfortunately, has a late one that will be taking place in early December and she is _not_ happy about it.

There are far less exciting things happening in Gabriel’s life, or so Castiel thought. “So, you know how Kali is a total business babe, right?”

“Yes, she has a good head for organization and management.” He props his chin up on his hand, watching as Gabriel busies himself at the stove. “Why?”

“Well, she’s – uh – she’s trying to talk me into opening a place of my own.”

That brings Castiel to pause and he tilts his head. Are they going to get a condo or a house together and put it under Gabriel’s name? “What kind of place?”

“A bakery.” He glances back at Castiel almost shyly. “She knows that I want to focus on my baking and less on all the sandwiches and meals that I usually make at the café during the day.I’d like to get into things like wedding cakes and cupcake orders or something.”

Oh. That’s very different from what he was thinking. “I think that would be interesting.” Castiel breaks into a smile and Gabriel immediately ducks his head to return to the pan and pot he has on the stove. “I think you should do it.”

“I think she’s only been thinking about it because we’ve been marathoning _Two Broke Girls_ every night.” Gabriel rubs at the back of his neck with a free hand and shrugs. “Kali just gets all _inspired_ that they went and made their own cupcake shop. I think I’m the Max to her Caroline, or something.”

“I have no idea what any of that is.” He rolls his eyes and crosses his arms on the counter top. “But I think you should do it.”

Gabriel stops stirring his sauce to fully turn to him. “You really think so?”

Absolutely. Castiel has full confidence in his brother’s baking abilities. “What you make in the morning draws _at least_ half of the customers that come to the shop. As the one who works the register, we only really sell meal sets during breakfast, lunch, or dinner. Your baking sells _all day_.” And that is _fact_. “Have you never seen how empty the display case is by the end of the day? There’s barely anything that goes on the discount rack the next morning.”

This time when Gabriel ducks his head, it’s to try and hide the blush turning his face a lovely cherry red. “Thanks, Cassie.”

“I absolutely think that you could have a successful baking company.” Castiel wants to stress that he will fully support his brother’s decision in this venture. “Especially if you let Kali be your business manger.”

“I’ll think about it.” He shrugs and gives Castiel a wry grin. “But God knows that we don’t have the money for it right now. We don’t want to use our family’s money for anything – not that Dad would give me anything in the first place, and I’m really not looking forward to having a loan.”

Castiel frowns, trying to remember what he can about Gabriel’s financial situation. It was something that he wasn’t really made privy to when they were living together. “You don’t have any student loans left, do you?”

“I never had any.” Gabriel shakes his head and drops his head back in a relieved sigh. “Thank _God_ for that. I basically saved up almost everything back when I was in Dad’s good books and he was sending me money every other week. I worked through school and used that and savings to pay for everything. It’s not like it was a very long degree or anything.”

Honestly, Castiel is a little impressed by that. By comparison, things are relatively easy for him. He does have a rather large savings account, but he wants to save that for the future in case he might need it. For now, scholarships are covering the majority of his schooling and the remains are being paid from his savings. It’s not a whole lot, thankfully, but his savings are being chipped away slowly but surely. At least his current degree is _much_ shorter than the medical one. Aside from that, everything he makes from the café is basically going towards rent and bills. If he doesn’t account for his savings, it will be awhile yet before Castiel feels financially stable like he once did – even if that money was never really his own.

“Would you consider asking Mother for money?”

That earns him a flat, disapproving look. “You know I’m not going to do that, Cassie.”

Of course he wouldn’t. Castiel wouldn’t do it either. “I know, but she would give it to you if you did ask.”

“I know she would, but if Dad ever got word of it –” Gabriel whistles and shakes his head. “I would _never_ hear the end of it.” Before Castiel can say anything else, he raises his spoon and waves it at him. “I’m doing with this topic. Taste this.”

Castiel swipes his finger across the back of the spoon and pops it in his mouth. The sauce is tangy, but sweet. “It’s good.”

“Great. Kali should be home soon, so go set the table.”

By ‘table’, he means ‘counter’. And by soon he means at least a half hour. They have _not_ been talking long enough. Since neither Kali nor Gabriel ever really invite friends over, they always eat their meals at the counter island. It’s either that or on the couch. Castiel is fairly certain that, in this case, he is referring to the island.

As he gets up to get the dishes, he places a hand on Gabriel’s shoulder briefly. “I think you should go for your own bakery.”

He pauses while checking on the chicken. “We’ll see what happens.”

*

When the edge of his bed starts to bounce violently, it takes several seconds for Castiel’s brain to catch up with what’s going on. His immediate reaction is to lash out, only pulling back his punch when Sam swears loudly and ducks out of the way. By the time he’s able to focus and realize that no particular danger is actually imminent, Sam is pressed up against the side of the couch and well out of reach. It’s a good thing too, because it feels _far_ too early for either one of them to be conscious right now.

Castiel groans loudly and flops back down on his bed. He even pulls the pillow over his head to block out the morning light because _someone_ has apparently pulled back the curtains over the balcony door. “What time is it?”

“Um –” Sam clears his throat, clearly hesitant to answer.

“Sam Winchester. I have had several exams over the last _two_ weeks.” Castiel pulls back his pillow far enough to glare at him from under its protective cover. “I am now done my exams and I want to _sleep_.”

The wide smile that spreads across Sam’s face has no business being there. “This is not a time to sleep, Cas!” He bounces over again, this time to the end of the bed. “It’s time to wake up and decorate the apartment for _Christmas_.”

Oh no. Oh _God_ no. Not again. “I will _kill_ you.” It’s an empty threat, but Castiel will most certainly use his pillow to beat him into submission.

“Come on, Cas!” He starts to bounce the mattress again, this time making sure to keep the blanket pinned so Castiel’s feet are trapped. “Come on! Come on! _Come on_!” As soon as the attempts to kick him start, Sam jumps away. “If it helps, I’ve already made the coffee. You should get up and have some while I wake Dean.”

Sam takes two steps towards Dean’s bedroom door before he turns around and comes back to the end of the bed. “Oh! I almost forgot to tell you; I got a text from Jess this morning. She’s throwing a party on campus tonight to celebrate the end of most exams.” He grins and shoves his hands in the front pouch of his hoodie. “I think it’s her excuse to stop studying for her last exam for just one night.”

Castiel lays an arm over his eyes, leaving his pillow to sit on his chest. “Is this your way of asking if I want to go with you?”

“Yes, yes it is.”

While it is tempting to have an evening that he can spend with his friends, he remembers what the Halloween party was like and a nervous flutter turns his stomach. The music was so loud that he almost couldn’t think, and there were people _everywhere_. If those weren’t cons enough on their own, he also has a full shift at the café today. Going to a party afterwards where he’ll only partially enjoy himself just sounds like too much trouble for what it’s worth.

“Thank you for the invitation, but I don’t think I’ll be going.”

“Aw, how come?” Sam pouts and pinches at Castiel’s toes through the blanket. “Jess and I would love for you to be there. You studied with us _so much_ for these exams. You deserve a part too.”

Castiel shakes his head and holds up his free hand, raising a finger for each point. “One; I’m being subjected to your nightmare morning. Two; I’m going to be working all afternoon. Three; You already know I don’t like loud parties.” He moves his arm up just enough to see as Sam ducks his head in shame because he knows that Castiel doesn’t like large groups of people or drinking.

“Fine, Mr. Grumpy-pants.” Sam sighs but breaks into an understanding smile. “We figured you wouldn’t want to come, but thought we would ask anyways. So it’s okay.” He backs away with a wave and disappears into Dean’s room.

With a groan, Castiel rolls onto his side to grope at his nightstand for his phone. As soon as the screen turns on and he sees the time, he groans again; _louder_. It’s a good few hours before his alarm was actually scheduled to go off. He was going to take today to _sleep in_ today and now those plans have been forcefully thrown out the window. It doesn’t help that he starts work today at noon, which means he starts in the middle of the lunch rush.

This day is going to be absolutely _fantastic_ if this is how it’s going to go. Castiel grumbles under his breath a myriad of curses in every language that he knows as he digs a sweater out from the drawers under his bed. He puts that on over his nightshirt as he wanders towards the bathroom. There’s no time for him to put pants on over his boxers right now. Sam usually opposes them walking around in their underwear, but he can just deal with it as punishment for waking him too early.

Castiel is still grumbling by the time he makes his way to the kitchen, intent on seeking out the promised coffee. He honestly can’t believe that he didn’t remember what Sam was like last year. Granted, his head was in a bit of a tizzy after dealing with all that involved moving in and being closer to Dean – which meant being closer to witnessing his relationship with Lisa.

His first sip of coffee is bitter and almost burns his tongue; a reminder that he hasn’t added milk or sugar to it yet. Castiel sighs and mixes it to his preference before pouring another cup for Dean. If _he_ can’t refuse Sam this morning, then there’s no way Dean will be able to either. It’s just a matter of waiting for the arguing and the cursing to subside now. Judging by the muffled voices, he most definitely _is_ awake right now, at least.

Just as Castiel shuffles into the hallway again, intent on peeking in on the brotherly bickering. He’s not at all disappointed that Sam practically skips out of Dean’s bedroom a moment later. The hummed tune of a Christmas carol follows him into the kitchen and Castiel can’t quite bring himself to glare at him anymore. Coffee has soothed the savage beast, apparently. His feet continue carrying him the few steps towards Dean’s bedroom, if only to check in on him to make sure he’s getting up too.

Before he can reach the door, Dean stumbles out into the hallway with his blanket around his shoulders and a scowl darkening his face. He stops suddenly when he realizes that he’s not alone, and his expression lightens considerably. The greeting Castiel tries to give gets muffled behind a wide yawn; one so big that it makes his eyes water. He knuckles at them to rub it away as Dean mirrors his yawn.

“I thought I could actually _sleep in_ now that my finals are over.” Castiel turns so he and Dean can glare at Sam together, watching him rummage through the kitchen drawers. “How did I forget this is how he is on the first day after his last exam?”

“You’ve only had to suffer through it _once_.” Dean leans into his side slightly, his glare weakened by what will likely not be his last one this morning. “At least _you_ get to work today and duck out early. I don’t have an excuse to avoid _anything_.”

A shred of pity manages to break through the pre-coffee apathy. “I’ll be with you in spirit.” He means it as a purely comforting gesture, but Castiel’s arm lingers a little too long as he puts it around Dean’s shoulders and pats the one under his hand a few times.

Dean groans loudly and drops his head to rest it against his shoulder. “Fuck spirit.” He shuffles a little closer and the blanket hides how much of his body he presses against Castiel’s side. “I’d prefer actually having you _here_.”

The heat that floods his body has nothing to do with the coffee. Castiel ducks his head to sip from the mug in his hands, hoping that anyone who looks will think it’s the drink causing the flush in his cheeks. Despite being in full view of Sam, he can’t resist leaning into Dean’s side at least for a few moments. His pulse climbs quickly the longer they stand together; a rhythmic pounding in his ears.

“Let’s get this show on the road!”

Sam slams a drawer, turning to face them with a set of keys hanging from his fingers. The bang of the drawer nearly makes Castiel’s heart stop. Out of habit, he takes a quick step to the side to put space between him and Dean, unsure of whether Sam noticed or not. If he did, he certainly doesn’t show it as he immediately pivots and starts towards the apartment door.

Dean grumbles as he rolls his eyes. “Sam, we’re not fucking dressed for this.” He crosses the short distance down the hall, Castiel on his heels, so he can watch as Sam slips on the sandals he wears around the building when doing laundry or fetching the mail.

“Then _get_ dressed.”

“No.” Dean crosses his arms, pulling the blanket more tightly around his shoulders.

With a loud sigh, Sam throws them both a glare. “Fine. I’ll bring the stuff up _alone_. You two have until then to finish getting ready because we are putting the tree up _today_ before Cas has to go to work.”

Castiel uses his coffee cup to muffle his sigh of relief. “Thank God.” He watches as Sam pulls the door open, and directs his next comment to Dean. “I know December is just a few days away, but I still think it’s too early for this.”

“You’re telling me.” The slam of the door nearly drowns him out. Now that Sam is gone, he groans again and rubs a hand over his face. “Fuck this. I’m not awake enough for this shit.”

While he does share in that sentiment, Castiel can think of several enjoyable ways to wake him up – ways that he’s perfected over the last several months. He ducks into the kitchen to quickly put his coffee down. It will just be in the way right now. Dean is rubbing at his eyes when he returns to his side, and he starts in surprise as Castiel slips his hands under the blanket. He drops his arm, dumbfounded as his personal space is invaded.

Castiel slides his arms around Dean’s waist, pulling him close and daring him with just a gaze to push him away. Ever since their weekend alone, the boundaries of their arrangement have felt – the only word he has to describe it is _blurred_. Every touch over the last few weeks has lingered longer than it should, even when Sam is in the room. It’s inspired so much hope that Castiel can’t help being bold sometimes.

“What are you –” His question is open ended, but welcoming.

Their noses brush together and he drops his voice into nothing more than a murmur. Anything else isn’t needed when they’re this close together. “Waking you up.”

The blanket shell Dean has wrapped around himself cracks open and he folds the ends around Castiel’s shoulders, accepting him into the warm cocoon. It doesn’t take much, if any, pressure to encourage Dean to take a few steps until he’s pressed up against the well. Castiel keeps the kiss soft, though it still tingles through him with a promise of something more. A soft sound passes through Dean’s lips for just a moment before it’s smothered from existence, and he tightens his hold to pull Castiel in just that little bit closer.

When they finally draw apart, the early morning scowl has been replaced with a lopsided grin. “Mission accomplished, Cas.”

“Good.” If only he could start every morning with a kiss like that. Regardless of the pang of longing behind his ribs, Castiel still manages to smile. He steals one last kiss before forcing himself to draw away. “Now, let’s get dressed before he gets back and he _really_ starts singing carols.”

“Way to pop my balloon there.” Dean tries to frown at him, but it fails as he drops his head back against the wall. After a moment of silent contemplation, he sighs and steps forward. “Fine, fine. Let’s go put on some damn pants.”

They part ways to get dressed, though Castiel opts for just adding sweatpants. He’ll dress up nicely for work later, but for manual labour like hauling boxes up from the storage room and putting up Christmas decorations – well, that doesn’t require him to look as presentable as he needs to be for customers. Since he only has the pants and shoes to put on, Castiel is ready before Dean and he waits for him by the door before they head down together.

Despite being here for over a year now, he still hasn’t been down to their storage room before. Frankly speaking, it’s more of a _hallway_ than a room. It’s a hallway filled with doors and each one is numbered. Only one door is open and Sam is moving a few plastic totes out of it. What they call their storage room is a closet no bigger than Gabriel and Kali’s insuite storage at their apartment. It’s not _small_ , but it’s certainly not very big. Luckily, the Winchesters apparently keep next to nothing in it.

Of the items in that closet, they take two bins, a five foot tall box, and a fairly flat box. The flat box has clear sides and Castiel can immediately tell that it’s full of wrapping paper and all the odds and ends that go with wrapping gifts. He suspects the tall cardboard box is the Christmas tree. Between the three of them they easily manage to carry all of it together, leaving only two bins in the closet that have nothing to do with Christmas – according to Dean.

As soon as they get everything back up to the apartment, Sam pulls out all the garland he can find. He starts lining every doorway with it. Dean immediately stores the flat box underneath the living room table, and Castiel doesn’t need to ask to know that’s just where it’s going to stay for the rest of the season. It really is the only place he can think of keeping it, unless they tried to find a place for it in one of the bedrooms.

“Come help me with the tree, Cas.” Dean rolls his eyes as Sam heads off to start at the end of the hall with his garland. “He’s going to do his thing and there’s no stopping him.”

While Castiel holds the box, Dean pulls the tree out from inside of it. They’ve barely started before Christmas music starts playing loudly from down the hall. Sam reappears in the living room with his laptop in hand and a ridiculous grin on his face. He says nothing, but he puts the laptop on Castiel’s bed and disappears again to put his garland up. Dean and Castiel share a look before they start laughing. On the bright side, these songs have a more rock-like beat than the choir type carols he’s used to.

Unlike the Christmas trees that Castiel is used to growing up with, the Winchesters do not have a skirt to put underneath it and the stand is actually built into the tree. Frankly, he loves it more than anything he’s ever seen before. It’s just such a wonderful experience for him to help Dean set it up in the corner between the TV and the wall, and start pulling all the branches down into place. There’s just something to be said about putting the actual effort into it instead of his parents buying a real tree and it being delivered and set up with all the decorations practically already on it. Before he moved to live with Gabriel, Castiel had never decorated a tree with family before.

“We’re putting on the lights first.” Dean gestures at one of the storage bins while he turns the tree to get at the branches behind it. “Can you get them from that?”

Castiel nods and crouches by the box to get it. He hums softly along to the carols, his coffee having done its job. The upbeat tune is certainly helping too as he pulls the smaller boxes of ornaments out and sorts them onto the table. Dean makes a point of coming over strictly to take the box with the star out, and he sets that carefully on the stand under the TV. Everything in this bin was something of importance to their parents in one way or another and Castiel makes sure that he’s careful with everything he touches.

“How much of these lights are for the balcony?” He holds up the carefully coiled lengths of lights and turns to Dean with them. Everything they have is all together in one box and he’s honestly not sure how much they needed.

“Just one.” Dean pulls out a few extra lengths of garland and lays them out on the couch. “Put it on your bed for now.”

It takes them a few attempts and several adjustments before they’re all satisfied with how the lights rest on the tree. Sam takes over to add the garland that Dean had separated, because that is apparently _his_ thing. He hasn’t finished with the doorways and everywhere that he wants to put his other garland, but now that they’re moving on to doing the ornaments, he’s taken a break from it for now. This proves to be a bit of a problem in the long run.

Castiel is in the midsts of hanging up a circular ornament made by Dean as a child with his tiny little handprint on it when trouble strikes. Trouble goes by the name of Dean Winchester and he’s accompanied by garland and laughter. As Castiel is standing up, quietly singing along to _Drummer Boy_ , he finds himself suddenly wrapped in garland. Dean is quick and precise about it; first wrapping him from behind and speedily curling it around him from hip to shoulders.

“What in the _world_ are you doing?”

“This is what you get for dancing and singing.” Dean whispers in his ear as he turns him to face Sam, still holding the ends together so it doesn’t unravel. “What do you think, Sam? Did I do a decent job?”

Castiel wiggles slightly, but he makes no real effort to get free. “I find this very hypocritical consider the fact that _you_ have been singing both loudly _and_ off key for half the morning now.” And Castiel has loved it. He can’t even put into words how much he enjoys seeing Sam and Dean both so happy and carefree.

“Looks good, but it’s missing one thing.” Sam rustles through one of the boxes until he surfaces with a bow. He places it on Castiel’s head, pushing down to make sure that the sticky label underneath sticks to his hair. “There! That looks better.”

“Why, I do believe it does!” Dean laughs and pulls the garland a little tighter, causing a flash of uncalled for heat to flare up Castiel’s spine.

He scowls at both of them until Sam actually winks at him. With a flourish, he produces a headband with antlers sticking straight up from it. Sam is so quick with his reveal that neither Dean nor Castiel can react. In the blink of an eye, the headband is on Dean’s head and he’s staggering away like Sam just smacked him in the face. It frees Castiel from the bonds of the garland. Without Dean holding it in place, it falls to the floor, freeing him up to grab the Santa hat set out on the table. He gets to it just before Sam does and exchanges it for the bow on his head.

“Fine, you can be Santa.” Sam pouts and roots around in a bin until he turns up another headband with antlers. He puts that on and pulls his phone out of his pocket. “We’re definitely taking a selfie.”

Dean recoils again, moving to put the coffee table between them. “Like hell we are.”

There’s only one reason that he could possibly want a picture of this and Castiel knows exactly what’s going to happen with it. He narrows his eyes into a glare. “You’re going to put it on Facebook, aren’t you?” And probably every other social media platform that Sam might have an account on.

He nods excitedly and grabs Dean’s arm before he can escape any further. “It’s going to be my cover photo. Now get your asses over here.” Sam drags him over to stand in front of the tree, still only half decorated. He gestures for Castiel to join them, pointing at the space between him and Dean. “Come on! I want to show everyone my happy little family.”

Dean’s annoyed frown melts into a soft smile and he reaches out to pull Castiel to step in beside him. He’s certain that both Winchesters can hear how hard his heart is pounding, though it’s purely out of delight at being included. They squish in with Castiel in the middle, their heads all side by side to try and be in the same frame together. It takes a few attempts, but they eventually take a good one. The quality on the phone is nothing like what Castiel is used to now with the DSLR camera he’s been using for _everything_ because of school.

With that in mind, Castiel abandons most of his decorating duties to start taking pictures with his camera. He makes it his responsibility to document Dean and Sam putting up the last of the ornaments and setting out the rest of the knick knacks that they have. They give back as good as they get with the cameras that they have, because there is _no_ possible way that he is going to let anyone touch his camera.

Despite his mood when he woke up, Castiel is fairly happy with how the morning has gone. In fact, he’s a little bit disappointed when his phone starts ringing with his alarm. With a sigh, he starts packing up his camera. “Dean, are you still alright to drive me to work?”

“Yeah, of course.” He gives a thumbs up as he packs up the empty ornament boxes. “We’ll take the empty bins back to storage and then head out.”

“I need to change first.” Castiel stores his camera bag in the drawers under his bed and pulls out what he needs for his outfit. “I’ll be just a minute.”

He’s halfway to the bathroom when he overhears a question that makes his heart bleed with pity for Dean. “If you’re going to be out and about already, then we should go to the mall! We can get a head start on our Christmas shopping.” Sam sounds just so _chipper_ that Castiel knows that there’s no way Dean will be able to say no to him.

It doesn’t take him long to get dressed, but he does take a few minutes to fix his hair nicely. He might be a little overdressed for work, but Castiel has a plan for afterwards and he needs to look good for it. The idea occurred to him earlier, not long after Sam mentioned the party tonight. This wasn’t what he thought he would be doing today, but Castiel is ready for it and he doesn’t know when he would have a better chance to do this.

“I’m ready.” He walks into the livingroom to find both Dean and Sam waiting by the door, the bins in hand. “Incidentally, you won’t need to pick me up. I have something I need to do after work and I’ll bus home when I’m done.”

Sam nods and opens the door, but Dean is very much staring. Castiel tries not to show that he notices it, but he does adjust his vest. He’s wearing it over one of his nicest long-sleeve button ups and one of his tighter pairs of jeans. Even he thinks he looks good, and he knows that rolling up his sleeves while he’s at work will bring in the tips. Meg told him about it the first time he did it and he has since confirmed that every time he wears something like this to the café, he does get better tips than usual.

Castiel pulls on his coat and his bag. He has no need for it at work, but there are a few items in it that he’s going to need for _after_ work. When he turns to Dean, he finds him still staring; his eyes raking his form so obviously that Castiel can almost feel it like a physical touch. A blush makes him hot under the collar and he ducks around Dean into the hallway.

“Shall we go?”

*

The first time the phone vibrates in his pocket is more than an hour after his shift started and while he’s in the middle of handling orders at the register. It has to wait ten minutes before he can duck into the kitchen and check it, just in case Sam or Dean might be messaging him with questions about what to buy at the mall. Instead of a question, he finds that Sam has sent a picture. He covers his mouth to muffle a snort of laughter and not to draw attention to himself.

In the picture, Dean is standing in front of a mirror holding up what appears to be a tye-dyed t-shirt with a prancing unicorn across its front. The shirt is sized for a small child, but Dean is holding it up against his chest as if he were seeing if it would look good on him. He looks completely serious in the mirror, but he’s watching Sam in the reflection and there’s amusement in his eyes. It’s an excellent picture and Castiel saves it to his phone before replying.

 ** _I don’t think it’s quite his colour. He should try something in blue, or perhaps red._** He ends his message with a laughing emoji with tears in its eyes.

Sam responds with the same emoji almost immediately and Castiel swallows down another laugh. He tucks his phone away and returns to work. By the time he has a break, there are three more pictures and two missed messages on his inbox. The messages are from Dean and they’re both complaints about _still_ shopping and being _so_ bored. Sam’s pictures contradict them, as each one has Dean smiling or looking amused in some way.

Castiel saves all three of them. In the first, Dean is draped dramatically over one of the benches and he’s sticking his tongue out at Sam. The second is a little more dangerous and possibly might have gotten them kicked out of a store. Dean is up on one of the flat platforms where the mannequins are standing in the middle of a store and he’s struck a pose like one of them. It’s made all the better by the filters that Sam is using – clearly having taking these pictures through Instagram. That’s a program Castiel is aware of, but he sees no point in downloading it himself considering that the majority of his photos are taken by camera instead of with his phone.

A part of Castiel wishes that he could have gone to the mall with them. He doesn’t really want to be subjected to Sam’s Christmas mania, but he _loves_ spending time with the brothers. Every selfie of the two of them, even with Dean’s exaggerated frowns, makes him wish all the more that he was there. At least all the pictures are really cute and he saves each one of them. Castiel loves the little family that they’ve become.

The pictures and the texts wane by the time the end of his shift comes around, the last one being half an hour before then from Dean. **_What time you finished work??_**

Castiel checks his phone one last time before he starts his usual cleaning that he does before he leaves. He takes a quick break to the bathroom so he can answer it. **_Done in twenty. Only a half shift today._**

To his surprise, he gets an answer before he can even fake washing his hands. **_You want a ride home? I just dropped Sammy off and could swing by and get you!_**

Dean ends his message with a winking emoji that Castiel rolls his eyes at. He leans his hip against the counter while he answers it. **_No, thank you. Gabriel wants to take me shopping, so I’ll be home late. If you get hungry, don’t wait for me._** It’s a bit of a lie, but he’s preparing a surprise for Dean and he doesn’t want him to know about it just yet.

The first answer he gets is a dejected looking emoji, but he follows it up with another message. **_I’ll think about it…_**

Castiel doesn’t know what to answer to that, so he simply tucks his phone away and returns to his cleaning. His plan for as soon as he’s done is to catch a bus to the university to get a few more supplies that he needs for his surprise tonight. Well, no. First he needs to make a quick pit stop at a certain _shop_. He’s been thinking about it all shift and he’s decided that they need one more additional toy to really play up on what he has planned for tonight.

After the shop, he’ll head to the university and get the white lab coat from his locker that his parents had bought from Stanford as a gift for going into the pre-med program. Castiel only needed it for a few labs that he attended, but it’s long since just been sitting in his locker. Frankly, it’s wasted there and he should probably have sold it to another student or something. It’s a good thing he never did, as now it’s going to come in handy for tonight.

The other items that Castiel needs to pick up is a clipboard and some latex gloves. He can grab those from the campus bookstore before he catches another bus to get home. The clinic at the university also has a bowl full of packets of condoms and lube and he should probably grab a few of those to maintain the illusion of a doctor appointment, if he must.

With travel time included, it should take him a few hours between leaving work and getting back to the apartment. The time doesn’t bother him at all. If anything, it’s a _good_ thing. Castiel is going to need the time to try and build up the courage for what he’s going to need to do tonight.

For his plan tonight, Castiel is going to try something new just for Dean. He’s going to dress up as a doctor and try _roleplaying_ for the first time, though he hasn’t a clue how to really do it. Tonight is the best time to do it since Sam won’t be home tonight and he’s likely going to stay at Jess’s apartment after the party. Despite having a LARPing costume, Castiel hasn’t participated in a proper LARP event yet and he’s rather worried that he won’t be able to stay in character for tonight.

Hopefully he won’t be completely terrible at it.

*

Castiel paces back and forth in front of the mailboxes in the lobby of their apartment building. If he thought he was nervous about reading up on how to use his new purchase while on public transportation before, he didn’t know what true nervousness was. His hands shake quite a bit as he tries typing out a message to Dean. **_Is Sam still home?_**

He realizes after he’s hit send that the wording is off. Sam might never have come home after Dean dropped him off earlier, and he should really be checking to see if he’s home at all. Thankfully, Dean understands his message nonetheless. **_Never came back from the uni lol probably playing with Jess!_** He punctuates his message with a winking emoji and Castiel rolls his eyes at it.

It’s his lucky night, apparently, and his heart is pounding particularly hard as he rides the elevator up to their floor. His hands are still shaking as he quickly changes right outside their door, hoping that no one will come around the corner or step out of the apartment and see him with his stethoscope, clipboard, and white coat. He would never be able to look their neighbours in the eye again if the was caught out like this.

Once he feels that he’s ready, he tucks the glasses into the breast pocket of his lab coat and lets himself into the apartment. Dean isn’t immediately within sight and he breathes a sigh of relief. The more time he has to build his courage and steel himself, the better. He scuffs his shoes on the mat by the door, but doesn’t take them off. It would go against the roleplaying scene to have a doctor performing a physical in his socks. He hangs up his overcoat and places his bag on the couch, both of which don’t lend anything to the scene either. Although he does pause to remove his earlier purchase and a set of the latex gloves; shoving everything into the pockets of his lab coat.

“Hey, Cas!” Dean’s voice comes from his bedroom and he starts for there immediately.

Dean is sitting at his desk and he turns shortly after Castiel steps into the doorway. His mouth is open as if he were going to say something, but whatever he was going to say never comes. Instead, Dean’s jaw goes slack and his eyes go wide. He looks Castiel over from head to toe, just as he did this morning. It’s more surprise than intensity this time around, but it’s still rather pleasing to be on the receiving end of such a look.

Castiel knows he is blushing, but that’s not something he can really control. This is something new and a little bit embarrassing and he feels far too warm in his clothing. He does his best to remain level headed. Blush or not, he has a role to play and a doctor doesn’t act shy. With some effort, he manages to keep his shoulders straight even though he wants to turn around and go hide in the bathroom for another hour or so.

Eventually, Dean does have an actual reaction. “Oh my God.”

There is something ever so delightful about managing to get Dean to say that. It inflates Castiel’s ego just a little bit more. He hides his smile with by covering his mouth and clearing his throat. “I’m sorry I’m late, Mr. Winchester.” Dean’s jaw drops and Castiel forces himself to move forward, stepping towards Dean and gestures woodenly at the bed. This feels so _awkward_. “It’s hard to believe that it’s time for your yearly check up already. If you’ll please take a seat on the examination table, we’ll get started.”

Despite his request, Dean makes no move to actually get up. He’s frozen in place in his chair, apparently unable to stop staring at him. Though pleased, Castiel is just a bit annoyed. It’s hard enough for him to _act_ without Dean not playing along.

“Mr. Winchester.” He clears his throat again. “Please pay attention.”

“Oh, trust me, Doctor.” Dean lets out a long, slow breath as he looks Castiel over a few more times. “I am _definitely_ paying attention.”

Good lord have mercy. Castiel is _not_ ready for this and Dean being suggestive is really not helping him keep his _doctor_ character. He has no experience doing anything like this before and things need to go a little smoother than this if he’s supposed to hold this character until the end of the scene. “Then please move to the examination table so we can get started.”

To his great relief, Dean nods and stands up. “Yeah, sure thing.”

He doesn’t look away even for a moment as he moves to drop onto the bed, bouncing a few times before sitting comfortably at its edge. Dean looks up at Castiel with a raised eyebrow, expectant. If anything, that makes it harder for him to get his blush under control. It’s a good thing that he spent his time on the bus writing notes on the paper he placed on the clipboard. He’s written up the general things that could happen during a physical and the ‘sexy’ alternative he could, just in case his brain decided to stop working once things got started. Dean has the miraculous ability to do that to him.

Castiel glances down at his clipboard now to double check what he should do first. “Please remove your shirt, Mr. Winchester. I’m going to start by listening to your heartbeat.”

Dean nods and shrugs out of his over shirt. He throws both that and his t-shirt towards the clothing basket resting in the corner of the room. “Please, doc.” He leans back on his hands once he’s done undressing and graces Castiel with a wide, ridiculous smile. “Mr. Winchester was my father. You can just call me Dean.”

Strangely enough, that was a request that Castiel was expecting. He simply nods and places his clipboard on the abandoned desk chair. It feels a little weird to actually _use_ the stethoscope his _parents_ bought for him for something like this, but he’ll preserver through the awkwardness as best that he can.

“Of course, Dean. Whatever makes you the most comfortable.” Castiel places the eartips in his ears and breathes briefly on the chest piece to warm it slightly. “This may be a little cold.”

Despite the warning, Dean still flinches back from it with a sharp breath of surprise as soon as Castiel touches it to his skin. He does feel a little bad about that and he glances up. “I’m sorry. I should have warmed it more.”

“It’s fine.” Dean shrugs with a grin and pushes his chest out a little more. “Happens all the time, right?”

“I’m afraid so.” Castiel sighs, but he doesn’t look away again.

He is rather curious about listening to Dean’s heartbeat and he guides the chest piece over his heart for a few moments. Castiel is almost surprised by the rapid pulse that echoes through the ear tips of the stethoscope. Is Dean excited? Is he nervous? In either case, it’s a solid tempo and Castiel could listen to it forever. That would put a damper on their scene and he forces himself to move along.

Dean’s breathing quickens as Castiel carefully slides the chest piece along his skin to trace the edge of one of his nipples, going from memory rather than sight. If needed, he could probably recreate Dean’s body while blindfolded with a very narrow margin of error, considering how much he’s memorized by touch alone. “Do you have any sensitivity in your chest area, Dean?”

“I’m not sure, _Dr. Collins_.” His answer comes on a breath through clenched teeth as his eyes flutter shut.

That’s the kind of response that Castiel likes to see and it gives his courage the boost that it needs. He must be doing well if Dean is feeling any kind of pleasure from this, and giving him that is something that he is _very_ good at doing.

“Then I’ll have to do a thorough check.” There is some regret to having to put the stethoscope aside, also on the chair with the clipboard, but now he can focus on actually _touching_.

Surprisingly, Dean doesn’t open his eyes right away. They fly open and his jaw drops yet again at the first sound of a latex  glove snaps against Castiel’s wrist. With some difficulty, he manages to keep himself from smiling as he puts on the second glove. The moment the end of a latex covered finger touches his chest, Dean’s jaw snaps shut and he takes a sharp breath through his nose. This is the part Castiel likes best and he takes his time with feeling along his chest; tracing the shape of his collarbone, or gently checking each rib. He wants to keep up some of this mockery of a physical before he eventually makes his way to Dean’s nipples again, as _that_ is where he gets the most pleasure. Even then, they’re not nearly as sensitive as Castiel’s are.

It takes something like a good _pinch_ to make Dean react, and Castiel does that now. Doing that to both of them at the same time causes him to bite his bottom lip, drawing in another quick breath. A flush is starting to crawl up Dean’s chest and Castiel loves being able to watch it. In all the times that he’s touched Dean, his mouth is usually busy doing something else. He’s never really had a chance to just _watch_ like this – aside from that one time when was edging. Even then, it was Dean touching himself and that just isn’t the same as this.

After a few minutes of rubbing and pinching; of working his nipples as best as he can, Castiel’s own willpower eventually crumbles. He can’t _not_ taste the tang of Dean’s skin, and especially when he squirms slightly; his hips wiggling and his legs spreading just a little wider. If he wasn’t already starting before, Dean is most _definitely_ getting aroused now. That sends heat sliding straight down Castiel’s spine and his body starts to react too.

Dean’s head drops back and a short, pleased moan rumbles in the back of his throat at the first touch of Castiel’s tongue. He always likes it better when his nipples are touched with a mouth instead of fingers, and he _especially_ likes it when teeth are involved. But, most of all, he likes a nice good _suck_ and Castiel takes his time working up to that. He wants Dean to be nice and hard before they can really move on to the rest of the physical.

“H-hey, Doc?” Dean’s voice is strained and he clears his throat, squirming still. “I do have some sensitivities in other places too.”

Ah, apparently he wants to move along sooner rather than later. Castiel sits back on his heels and rests his hands on Dean’s thighs. He tries not to act like he knows what Dean is referring to. “Oh? Please, show me.” He tilts his head, expectant.

Dean frowns and gives a frustrated huff, but he does take Castiel’s hand. He moves it to the front of his jeans and pushes it against the defined line of his erection. This is expected and Castiel forces himself not to react. At this point in time, he is a _doctor_ and he should at least try and maintain an air of professionalism regarding this.

He stands up to adjusts his coat and vest. “I see. Please stand up and remove the rest of your clothing. There are a few more things I need to check before we move on to your prostate exam.”

The words have barely left his tongue before Dean is already on his feet and fumbling to undo his belt and pants. It’s a little bit adorable to see how excited he seems to be. Castiel picks up his clipboard again to do further review. About then he remembers that he has the glasses to use. He’s aware that Dean is watching him closely, and he starts squinting to look at the clipboard as he would if his eyesight was terrible. After a few moments, he sighs and acts like he’s searching his pockets.

That small act alone has Dean freeze with his pants around his ankles and his hands on the waistband of his underwear. Castiel keeps a mental count of how many times today Dean has dropped his jaw in surprise, and he adds another mark to tally as he pulls out the glasses and puts them on. He puts them on, pulls out a pen, and checks off what he’s done so far. It’s the most that he can do to maintain the illusion that they really are at a doctor’s appointment.

He looks up from his clipboard, watching Dean over the edge of his glasses, after a few moments where neither of them moves. “You’ll need to remove your underwear as well, Dean.”

In a flurry of motion, Dean shoves his underwear down and kicks them aside. Castiel puts his clipboard down slow and steps up until they’re essentially chest to chest. Dean shivers almost violently as they continue to maintain eye contact, neither one seeming to want to look away. While he can’t speak for Dean, Castiel is doing it because he wants to see his reactions as he touches his erection, tracing it with one finger as if he were probing for any painful areas.

The longer the scene goes on, the easier Castiel is finding it take on this role. Having Dean actually participate is keeping the kind of flow that he needs. By this point, his embarrassment is nearly non-existent now as he asks his next question. “Is this where you’re sensitive, Dean?”

Even while he asks the question, Castiel continues to trace and feel Dean’s erection from its base to its head. It’s a light touch, but it certainly seems to have some kind of effect on Dean. His bottom lip is apparently permanently imbedded in his bottom lip and he’s shaking slightly as he answers. “Y-yeah, that’s definitely one of them, yeah.”

It’s expected, but Castiel hums as if he’s actually concerned about this. He steps back slightly and takes a packet of lube from his pocket. The university clinic had exactly what he needed, and he uses one packet to coat the latex covering his fingers and palms. Dean wavers on his feet and his hands clench into fingers as Castiel starts to stroke him slowly, one hand forgoing his erection to instead palm the sac below it, rolling gently as if he were also conducting an exam on his balls.

“And this is another, correct?” He tilts his head and raises an eyebrow in question.

Dean’s chin drops to his chest and he groans quietly. “ _Yes_.”

Excellent. Things are moving along smoothly, though Castiel suspects that his next question might throw things a bit off the rails. If Dean doesn’t laugh at this, then he clearly doesn’t know him very well. “Could you turn your head and cough, please?”

It’s a staple question, but in this setting it sounds so out of place. Certainly there is nothing sexy about it, but it seems to catch Dean a bit out of sorts and he snorts a loud laugh. He tries so hard to hide his smile, but it’s wide and ridiculous as he turns his head to force a few coughs. Castiel has to press his own lips into a tight line to keep his own twitching smile under wraps. As far as he knows, that was acceptable enough and he decides it’s time to continue on.

The smile is definitely a threat and there’s only one thing he can do to keep it at bay. With a nod, Castiel lowers himself to his knees. He adjust the glasses slightly, eyeing up the leaking erection now inches from his nose. “How sensitive are these areas, Dean?”

It’s rather obvious what the next step of the physical is going to be and Dean swallows around another groan. His hand twitches towards Castiel’s hair, as would be his normal thing to do in this situation, and that is _not_ something a patient should be doing. Castiel tilts back enough to give him a warning look. It’s enough to make Dean drop his hand.

He nods in understanding and licks his lips. “That’s a – uh – _very_ sensitive area.”

Now that is a very nice reaction. Castiel hums happily, enjoying the flush that fills Dean’s cheeks as he leans forward to take a gentle lick; flicking his tongue across the head of his erection. It is a battle of wills within his body to keep a straight face as he works his way up and down with just his tongue, even mouth at Dean’s balls along the way. He enjoys giving a blowjob more than he probably should, particularly because of the way it makes the muscles in Dean’s legs tremble.

His demeanor cracks when he goes from licking to actually sucking. Castiel can’t help closing his eyes at the weight of Dean’s erection on his tongue. Oddly enough, he actually likes the taste of it – of his skin and the beading pre-come. Dean smells different down here. It’s strong, but not _bad_ and it makes Castiel dizzy. The best part is that as he starts to bob his head and curl his tongue, Dean’s breathing hitches and his whole body starts to tremble as he tries to contain himself.

It’s perfection and Castiel’s own arousal spikes considerable from it. His jeans have long since stopped being comfortable, but he ignores his erection for now. As the doctor, he’s not supposed to be taking care of himself when his patient is his first priority _always_. And that is why he uses his hands to guide Dean to sit down again. If he doesn’t do that now, then it’s very possible that his legs might give out and that would change the course of the scene. Castiel has a _plan_ to follow and he doesn’t want to have to adlib anymore than necessary tonight.

Once he’s seated, Dean spreads his legs as wide as he can to give him all the room he needs. To show his appreciation, Castiel redouble his efforts; hollowing his cheeks and working his hands at the same time. He keeps at it until the muscles in Dean’s stomach start clenching. That means he’s nearly ready to come and it’s time to move on to the next step. Castiel regrets it just a little bit as he pulls away to stand up again. There will be time for more blowjobs in the future.

He puts one hand in his pocket, fingers tracing the beaded cord inside it. With the other, he makes a vague gesture at Dean and the bed. “Please turn over, Dean. I need to check your prostate now.”

The request is met with an excited grin and he quickly twists around. Dean gets up onto his hands and knees, glancing over his shoulder to watch him. It’s a wonderful view, but it would be better if he was positioned slightly different. He places a hand between Dean’s shoulders and gives them a gentle push. He understands immediately and drops until they touch the blanket.

Castiel knows from experience that _this_ is one of Dean’s favourite positions. While he does like it too, he prefers it when they’re facing each other. For him, this position is usually reserved for when they’re having rougher sex and he really wants Dean to hold him down. A shiver runs through Castiel at the memoires and he has to take a moment to breathe and center himself again. Ignoring his body’s needs right now is difficult, but he’ll get his in the end.

Dean makes a soft noise of anticipation as Castiel opens another packet of lube. His hips wiggle slightly, clearly excited and very much wanting what will come next. And he doesn’t even know what’s going to happen. First Castiel has to prepare him and, once he’s satisfied, he’ll put their new toy to use. It’s something he hasn’t tried before and he hopes that Dean will like it – and hopefully eventually use it on him. Castiel never thought to try it before, but he’d like to know that they have it.

“Let me know if anything gets too sensitive, Dean.” He leans over his back as he starts working a lubed finger into him, keeping his voice low because he knows that Dean always trembles harder when he talks like this. “I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”

As if proving his point, Dean nods several times and shows his approval with a rumbling groan of his own. Instead of any discomfort, he seems more than ready to move things along. Dean presses his hips back against his finger and Castiel allows himself to smile now that it can’t be seen. He decides to take his time with working Dean open, despite the obvious desperation for more. Even though he called this a _prostate exam_ , he also avoids touching that particular area. If only because Dean is already rather close to his orgasm.

Or, at least, he does that for a little while. It would be cruel of him not to do it at least once while he’s fingering him. The first rough rub of a finger over his prostate causes Dean to cry out. He arches his back back and throws his head back. “There! Right there!” Dean starts rocking back against Castiel’s fingers, obviously seeking for more. “ _There_!”

Little does he know, but this is exactly what Castiel needs to take the next step in the exam. “You’re so sensitive, Dean.” He withdraws his fingers and clicks his tongue disapprovingly. “Luckily, I believe that I have just the thing that you need.”

From his pocket, Castiel pulls out their newest toy and lets the beads slip through his fingers until he can slip them through the hoop on the end to hold it. He drags the end of it up Dean’s spine and dangles it next to his head. Dean shivers violently and turns his head to look at it. To his surprise, the flush that already coloured the back of Dean’s neck turns even darker. He doesn’t move, doesn’t speak, and seems to be a bit in shock.

Castiel clears his throat and bounces the string slightly. “I believe a suppository is in order.” He feels absolutely _ridiculous_ saying that, but what else is he supposed to call these?

That shocks Dean out of his stupor and he turns his face to muffle his laugh in the blanket. His whole body shakes with his laughter and Castiel rolls his eyes at it. Honestly, he expected his kind of reaction at _some_ point. If it was going to be at anything, then at least it’s at the toy and not at him. And laughter means he’s accepted it, right? If he didn’t want to use the beads, he would have said so already. Castiel will start using them for now and if Dean objects later on, he’ll stop immediately.

With the aide of another packet of lube, he slicks up the first few beads. It’s a little amazing to watch the first one disappear as he pops it in. Castiel is utterly fascinated by it and he uses one hand to spread Dean more, watching closely as he slowly pushes each bead in. Dean shivers with each one, gasping and whining softly into the blanket. This is entirely different from when he’s watching his own erection working in and out of Dean, but his brain doesn’t want to think of _why_. It’s just – it just _is_.

The bigger beads don’t go in as easily as the smaller beads did and Castiel worries that they might be _too_ big. They’re smaller than his erection usually is, but it’s possible that maybe he didn’t prepare Dean as much as he originally thought he did? He certainly doesn’t sound like this painful, but the concern is still there. Just in case it might be, he leans forward to distract Dean with kisses to his back and hips. Castiel makes sure that each bead is coated thoroughly in lube and he takes his time easing them in until all that remains is the hoop.

After a few moments, Dean groans and wiggles his hips. Is he already ready for them to be pulled out? Castiel was hoping to leave them in for a little bit and maybe tease Dean in some way. He’s not going to complain if they do move things along faster than that. Seeing something else enter Dean was torturous and his willpower is fracturing with every passing minute. If he doesn’t get out of his jeans soon, he might snap and throw this entire roleplaying scene out the window.

Castiel uses both hands to spread Dean’s ass again, a thumb tracing the edge of his hole. “Are you ready, Dean? I’ve been told this part is going to feel –”

“ _Yes_.” Dean interrupts him with a gasp and pushes back against his hands. “I’m ready, C –” He swallows thickly, cutting himself off from using Castiel’s name. “ _Doctor_. Do it.”

The message boards he had been reading on the bus said that there’s not much sensation had in having the beads pushed in. It seemed to be a general consensus that the best part about them is when they’re _pulled out_. It was also stressed that he should not pull them out like he was revving a lawn mower, so it could be said that it’s a good thing Castiel has never done any form of gardening in his life. He knows from his research that he simply should not do it too quickly or with too much force, and that sounds simple enough to him.

Dean starts trembling again once he starts pulling out the beads. With his legs spread as they are, Castiel can see that his erection is leaking quite obviously. He’s making an absolute mess of the bedspread and that is far more arousing than it should be. The heartbeat in his ears drowns out Dean’s heavy breathing as he watches the way he reacts to each bead slowly popping out. His mouth has gone dry by the time the last one falls free and the entire string of beads falls to the bed between Dean’s legs.

Once it’s free, Dean sags further to the mattress, his belly nearly touching the blanket. His chest is heaving with every breath, but he holds it when Castiel gently strokes a hand over the curve of his ass. “I’m going to need to check if you’re still sensitive, Dean. Do not move until you’re told to.”

The only answer he gives is a thumbs up over his shoulder. Dean shivers and curves his back as Castiel slicks up his fingers again and slips them in. He wants to make absolutely sure that Dean is properly prepared, but he also _really_ enjoys working him up with a little teasing. If Dean isn’t absolutely _desperate_ by the time Castiel is actually in him, then he simply isn’t doing his job right. Judging by how Dean is moving now, he might be at that point already. Thank _God_ , because Castiel isn’t sure how much longer he can hold out himself.

“How are you feeling now, Dean?” It’s an honest to goodness miracle that his voice doesn’t crack.

“Still pretty s-sensitive.” He twists to glance over his shoulder, his eyes hooded and face flushed. The look only lasts a moment before he faces the blanket again.

Castiel hums and leans forward to press a kiss to the back of one of his hips. “Interesting.” He withdraws his fingers and quickly wipes the gloves clean on the sheets. “I believe we should try acupuncture next.”

Dean tenses for a moment, but he relaxes immediately upon the sound of Castiel opening one of the condoms he takes from his pocket. He opens the front of his jeans, but makes no move to remove them. Normally he prefers minimal clothing while having sex, but he doubts there is ever a necessity for a doctor to remove his clothing during an exam. The scene will go on until they’ve both come or until one of them uses their safe word – not that he can think of a need for that during something as tame as this.

A loud moan answers him when he grips Dean’s hips. They wiggle and try to push back as Castiel lines up and starts pushing in. He wants to take this slowly, to make sure that Dean actually _is_ ready, but he seems to have other ideas. Dean is rocking back minutely, despite the grip that Castiel has on his hips. It’s always nice to know that he wants this, but the urge to tease him is too strong to resist.

With some effort, Castiel brings himself to a stop after only the head of his erection is in. “Let me know when –” The words catch in his throat as Dean flexes around him and he can’t tear his eyes away from how his hole stretches around him. “– when you’re ready, Dean. This treatment should help with all sensitivities.” He takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, fighting against his body’s desire to move. “I recommend getting it every few days, at the least. You – you should experience –”

“Yeah, yeah, doc.” Dean groans and wiggles his hips. “I _get_ it. C’mon and _move_ al–”

It’s rude to interrupt anyone, and especially your doctor when he’s in the middle of describing your treatment process. If Dean wants him to move, then fine. He’ll move. Castiel cuts him off with one hard thrust that justs him up with a loud swear.

“You shouldn’t interrupt your _doctor_ , Mr. Winchester.” He keeps his voice terse, ensuring that Dean knows that he is _not_ allowed to do that.

The only form of apology he gets is a needy whine, and it’s the exact kind he can’t ignore. Castiel tries to keep hold of the shreds of his professional persona as he starts moving. He lays a hand on Dean’s back, keeping his shoulders and head down as he sets a quick, brutal pace. Since Dean is likely already very close to coming, there is little point in trying to draw this point out. Castiel is nowhere near his own orgasm, but there are other ways for him to come afterwards. A doctor’s appointment is supposed to be about the _patient_ , after all.

He waits until Dean is clawing at the blankets under him – until he’s practically _writhing_ on the bed. Castiel waits until he’s certain that Dean is so very close to coming before he leans down to work a hand underneath him. He’s barely touched him at all before Dean is muffling a broken groan into the blanket and shuddering through his orgasm. He squeezes around Castiel’s erection almost painfully, bringing him to a quick stop.

Once it’s safe and he knows that he won’t hurt himself or Dean, he carefully pulls out. Almost immediately, Dean collapses on his side. A sheen of sweat covers his body and Castiel can’t tell if the shivers are from that cooling or from his waning orgasm. In either case, he’s beautiful and it’s almost impossible to look away. He finds himself glancing up often as he pulls the condom off and ties it shut. Now that Dean has come, it’s unlikely that he’ll be in him again.

Only after he’s thrown the condom into the trash bin next to the desk does he realize that Dean’s eyes are open. They’re unfocused but not turned on him. A soft smile plays across Castiel’s lips and he’s perfectly content to watch him as he comes down from his orgasmic high. He peels the latex gloves off without looking and throws them away carelessly. They can deal with them afterwards. It’s not _that_ often that he gets to see Dean so vulnerable and satisfied, and he wants to enjoy it while he can.

Eventually, those green eyes turn to him and Castiel steps close again. His skin tingles as he finally touches Dean skin-to-skin – which is quite possibly the only downside to this doctor roleplay. He parts Dean’s legs and slides a hand along his inner thigh to glance his fingers across his hole; pretending as if he’s still checking him. “How are you feeling now, Dean?”

With a hiss, he reaches back to push his hand away. “ _That’s_ feeling pretty sensitive.”

Castiel sighs softly and steps back. He expected that, but the doctor persona he carries acts disappointed but it. Without really realizing it, he casually strokes himself while looking Dean over, carrying on the illusion of a concerned doctor. “Then the last method I can think of is an oral medicine. Are you feeling up to taking it?”

A soft laugh shakes Dean’s body as he rolls onto his back. He stretches with his arms over his head, his body a quivering arc of warm skin just _calling_ for Castiel to touch it. Dean doesn’t need gestures to beckon him closer, his eyes get the message across quite clearly. “I think I can manage it, doctor.”

As carefully as he can, Castiel climbs onto the bed to swing a leg over Dean. He’s not going to ask him to sit up to give him a blowjob right now. Instead, he kneels over Dean’s face. It takes him a moment to recognize their position as one of the first things they ever did together. The memories of that time hit him hard as Dean takes his erection in mouth. His hands guide Castiel to move again, though this time he keeps it gentle. He has long since noticed that Dean likes it when he fuck his mouth like this, but Castiel can’t ever shake the worry that he might be moving to hard or too fast for.

It really is surprising, and perhaps a little embarrassing, how quickly he comes after that. He really was quite worked up from when he was teasing Dean, but that’s no excuse for coming down Dean’s throat only a few minutes after they get started. Regardless, the heat searing through his veins burns in the best of ways. Even a doctor can’t retain his composure during that and Castiel forgoes all means of grace and professionalism as he rolls to the side so he can stretch out next to Dean.

He sighs happily and places a hand on Dean’s thigh, if only to feel the heat of his skin again. Castiel missed it far too much during this scene. The glasses tilt weirdly on his face when he turns his head. “How are you feeling, Mr. Winchester?”

“Loads better, Dr. Collins.” Dean looks at him too, a lazy smile on his face.

It’s contagious, and a matching smile spreads across lips. “Good. You should take two kisses in the morning and call me again if the sensitivities return.” This went far better than Castiel originally thought it would and he wouldn’t mind doing this again one day. Maybe next time _he_ could be the patient.

The silly kiss-prescription draws a laugh out of Dean. His smile falls the moment Castiel lifts his hand to take the glasses off. If they’re just going to be skewed while he’s lying down, then there’s no point in wearing them any longer – especially now that the scene is over. Or so he thought. Dean grabs his hand, stopping him before he even touches the frames.

Castiel raises and eyebrow and glances at their hands. “Yes, Dean?”

As quickly as he grabbed it, Dean drops his hand and looks away again. “I – There’s something I Gotta tell you, doc.” He fixes his gaze on the ceiling and Castiel knows in an instant that this is going to be important. This must be something difficult for Dean to talk about if he can’t look at him as he says it. “Could you just listen for a sec?”

“Of course.” As if he would say ‘no’ at a time like this. He puts his hand on Dean’s thigh again and gives it a squeeze in encouragement. “Go ahead.”

Despite that, a few minutes pass in silence. “Okay – so –” A flush builds in his cheeks before he swallows thickly. With a deep breath, Dean finds his voice and continues. “Well, for a while now I’ve kinda thought that, well, that something was broken in mean.” He pauses and frowns at the ceiling. “I mean, I thought I was _sick_.”

Castiel’s eyebrows draw together, more out of concern than confusion. Dean is sick? He’s _broken_? How? He wants to ask, but he knows that if he interrupts now it’s possible that whatever else Dean has to say will never get said. As curious as he is, he holds his tongue and waits to see what comes next. He doesn’t have long to wait.

“When I walked in here, I thought I was sick in the incurable way. But you – you’re awesome.” Dean takes a deep breath again, his hands curling and uncurling in the sheets. In contrast, Castiel has stopped breathing. “I don’t know how you did it, but you – um – you cured me. Or, you helped me realize that I wasn’t really sick at all. Something like that.” He shrugs and steals a glance, looking at Castiel from the corner of his yee. “I don’t feel so brok – so _sick_ – anymore.”

This is – this is – Castiel doesn’t know what to make of this. He’s scouring every moment in his memories trying to figure out what could possibly have made Dean think he was broken. Nothing is coming to mind and he doesn’t know how to react to this confession, let alone know what Dean means with how he _cured_ him. What did he do? As far as he knows, he’s done nothing but be a good friend – and one with added benefits, at that.

Dean turns a little onto his side and he swallows again, even licking his lips. Whatever this is about, it’s hard for him to say and Castiel is truly touched that he’s making the effort in the first place. “Basically, I just – I wanna thank you for that doc.”

Should he question this? Part of him wants to, but the rest of him knows that he likely won’t get an answer. If anything, pressing about this might make Dean withdraw. He’s clearly struggling with opening up about this and Castiel doesn’t want to make this harder on him. If there’s anything more than Dean wants to tell him, then he will when he’s ready. For right now he needs to remember that they’re still currently in the safety net of their roleplaying scene. This confession – this _thanks_ – was said to a doctor and, as such, Castiel should respond in kind.

But he can’t. He can’t separate himself from the doctor persona when Dean is looking so vulnerable before him. Castiel can’t stop himself from rolling over on top of him and finally – _finally_ – kissing him. He carefully maps a path up Dean’s body with a hand, his destination bringing it to rest cupping his cheek. His heart aches to even think that someone he cares for so much ever thought that they were broken and he tries to convey this through his kisses. If Castiel can even get one ounce of his feelings through them, he’ll be satisfied.

Dean’s fingers curl in the lab coat, pulling it tight across Castiel’s back as he holds onto him. He even makes a soft sound of disappointment with the kiss eventually comes to an end – several minutes later. Castiel _does_ have an entire scene’s worth of kissing to catch up on and once he starts, it’s very hard to stop regardless of the situation or the reason they’re kissing in the first place. It almost kills him to have to draw away, especially when Dean is holding on to him so tightly, but he doesn’t go far.

Castiel rests their foreheads together and gently brushes his nose against Dean’s. “I’m glad to be of service, Mr. Winchester.” If his presence in Dean’s life somehow makes things better for him, than he’s more than happy to continue doing whatever it is that he’s been doing.

A laugh bubbles in the back of Dean’s throat as he brings a hand up. He takes Castiel’s glasses off before lifting his head to kiss him again. “Good job, Cas.”

Though it consist of only two words, that small bit of praise sends a shiver down Castiel’s spine. He drops the persona of the doctor instantly, losing it to a smile that feels like _him_ again. “Did you enjoy it?”

“Yeah.” Dean hums and squeezes Castiel around the waist as he kisses him again. “But it definitely needed more kisses.”

Oh, good! It’s so nice to know that he wasn’t the only one thinking of that. “Duly noted.”

If he’s ever going to pick up the role of _Dr. Collins_ again, he’ll have to figure out a way to incorporate kisses into an exam. Perhaps they could think of other things that Dean would go to the doctor for? Perhaps he could have a fever and be in need of having his temperature taken? Without a thermometer on hand, Castiel could easily just use his tongue, could he not? After all, he did refer to penetration as _acupuncture_ today.

His thoughts are interrupted in the best of ways as Dean rolls them suddenly. Before he realizes, Castiel is on his back and his mouth is _very_ occupied. Now this is nice and it’s a very acceptable end to their scene. Castiel gives into it without issue, allowing Dean to kiss him until he’s had his fill. Even after that he doesn’t seem willing to let go, or even stop the kisses for that matter. Dean makes himself comfortable as the big spoon; his kisses now ending up on the back of Castiel’s neck.

This is _more_ than acceptable and he basks in the moment. Up until the comfortable feeling that comes with being fully dressed in bed starts to set in. Dean is naked as the day he was born, but Castiel is still fully clothed _and_ he’s wearing the lab coat. In the process of getting on his side so Dean can lie behind him, the coat got all manner of twisted up underneath him and the longer they’re just lying here, the more uncomfortable it gets.

After a while, Dean’s lips move against the back of his neck. “Hey, Cas? You could take off the coat if you want – and the rest of your clothes. I won’t mind.”

“Of course _you_ don’t mind.” Castiel huffs a laugh under his breath. He must have been shifting too much for Dean’s liking. “You’re just lucky that _I_ don’t mind either.”

They share a grin as he slides off the edge of the bed and gets to his feet. He picks up the latex gloves and throws them in the trash can after folding the lab coat over the back of the chair. He’s in the process of undoing the buttons of his vest and shirt when Dean props clears his throat.

He props himself up on an elbow and his eyebrows wiggle. “Maybe next time I’ll be the pizza man and you can be the babysitter.”

Ah, now that most certainly brings back memories. Was it their second or their third time watching porn together that they watched that video? He’s not entirely certain, but he laughs for Dean’s sake. Hopefully it was just a joke, because that really doesn’t sound all that appetizing. Especially if Dean wants to do it the same way they did in that video. Castiel remembers it as being one of the first where he was legitimately uncomfortable by the lack of chemistry and emotions between the actors.

“Are you saying that you would like to spank me, Dean?” That’s a topic they haven’t covered yet. He hasn’t explicitly said that he has no interest in spanking, but he should probably check to see if that’s something Dean wants to do or not.

The teasing grin dims slightly and Dean drags himself to the edge of the bed to sit up. He draws Castiel to him until he’s standing between his legs. Dean squeezes his ass through the jeans as he tilts his head, his smile still strained. “I bet your ass would look real nice with a red handprint on it.”

It’s the touch that causes his blush and the usual heat that comes with Dean touches him, but the thought of being spanked sours the feeling. Castiel looks away and Dean tilts his head in the same direction, trying to keep eye contact. His hands move to rest on his hips. “What’s up, Cas? Is spanking not your thing?”

“I just –” Castiel shrugs and rubs his hands over Dean’s arms. “I’m sorry, but I don’t understand the appeal of hitting someone during sex.” Hopefully this isn’t something that Dean really wants to do, although he hasn’t done it even once since they started having sex in the Spring.

Dean scoots forward and wraps his arms around Castiel’s waist. “Honestly, I don’t either.” Oh, thank God. They haven’t really had something that one of them liked and the other didn’t. It’s not a conversation Castiel wants to have just yet. “To each their own and all that, right? I guess some people get off on the act of punishment, or something like that.”

But that doesn’t make any sense, though. Not to him at least. “Sex shouldn’t be a _punishment_.” He does feel like a bit of hypocrite saying that, considering how he does like it when Dean is rough with him and especially when he ties him up.

“That’s not what I meant.” Dean sighs and rests his chin on Castiel’s stomach so he can look up at him. “Never mind, okay? If spanking isn’t your thing, I get it. We won’t do anything like it. I promise.”

“It’s not just –” Castiel sighs and shakes his head. “Never mind. It’s nothing, Dean. We should clean up before Sam gets home.” All this talk of spanking and punishing one’s partner has washed away the good feelings from when they were lying together. He would like to return to it, but they really should clean up. It’s entirely possible that Sam could come home tonight and how would they explain to him if he caught them naked together like this.

Dean shakes his head and stands up, forcing Castiel back a few steps. “You know better than this, Cas. If you’re not liking something we’re doing, just say it.” His arms remain around Castiel’s waist, holding him in place. “I’m not going to do something that you don’t like. I won’t do anything like spanking or whatever if you don’t want it. Okay?”

It’s nice that Dean is so understanding, but he hasn’t exactly gotten the real point. “I know.” Castiel leans into him with a sigh. “It’s just – I don’t understand how someone could hit or cause pain to someone they care about, even if it’s for sex.”

The things that he does with Dean have never caused him physical pain. Nothing has ever _hurt_ like being slapped would. Yes, he likes it when they’re rough, but he doesn’t want to be choked or smacked or anything involving _hitting_ your partner.

“Sometimes it’s hard to understand why some things tickle your fancy, y’know?” Dean’s arms move up to circle his shoulders, giving them a comforting squeeze. “Besides, you don’t have to love someone to have sex with them.”

Ice slides down Castiel’s spine and anything even resembling his good mood vanishes. A lump rises in his throat; sour and bitter. The truth has never tasted so terrible. “I am _well_ aware of that, Dean.”

He gently pushes back from Dean’s chest, putting a few steps between them. Normally it’s far too easy to pretend that there’s something between them, but he can’t do that when it’s thrown back in his face like this. Dean isn’t like him. He can sleep with anyone without thinking about it. Castiel can’t do that. He needs more than that.

It’s not often that he doesn’t want to be in the same room as Dean, but this is now one of those times. He turns and picks up the items he left on the office chair – clipboard, stethoscope, and lab coat. “I’m going to take a shower before we clean up.”

Dean makes a soft, confused noise as Castiel reaches the door. It brings him to pause with his hand on the door frame. He shouldn’t just _leave_ like this without at least trying to explain why he’s upset. It’s not fair to Dean, and he’s never going to learn if he’s not told what went wrong.

“I’m glad that we don’t watch porn anymore.” He doesn’t look back, but he does hear the mattress creak as Dean sits down. “It was uncomfortable to watch the videos where I was unable to convince myself that there were no feelings between the people in the film. I –” The words catch in his throat and he hugs the things in his hand to his chest. “I’ve come to understand that I don’t like sex if there are no – if there is no romance even remotely involved.”

There. He said it. And he realizes too late that his explanation has revealed his hand. If Dean can’t figure out that Castiel has feelings for him right now, then there’s no hope for them. He can’t make it any clearer without literally saying the words; _I love you_ , and something like that would just make Dean run. They’re already too far apart for Castiel’s liking and he doesn’t want to chase him any further away.

After a few moments of silence, Dean hasn’t said anything. He glances over his shoulder, waiting and hoping for something that never comes. . All he gets is a soft little sigh that breaks Castiel’s heart. He looks away again. “Make whatever you want for dinner, Dean. I’ll eat anything you cook.”

If Dean has an answer, Castiel doesn’t hear it. He wastes no time in locking himself in the bathroom and dropping his armful of things into the sink. His face feels hot and his nose stings. His vision blurs as he reaches to turn on the shower, knowing the sound of the rushing water will cover anything else. Specifically, he does want Dean to hear if he – The first tear slips down his cheek and Castiel scrubs it away quickly. He sniffs and squeezes his eyes shut.

This is just so _stupid_. Castiel knew from the very beginning that Dean only cared for him as a friend. He never had feelings for him and he shouldn’t have thought – shouldn’t have _hoped_ – that connecting on a physical level might bring that out. It’s ridiculous and Castiel strips off his clothing angrily. He’s not mad at _Dean_ , but rather with _himself_. If he was stronger – if he hadn’t caved to his emotions – then he wouldn’t have even put himself in this situation.

And yet he knows that he’s nowhere near capable of ending things, even after this.

*

The narrator’s deep voice is soothing, but Castiel hasn’t paid any sort of attention to the movie. He picked _March of the Penguins_ as a passive aggressive form of punishment for Dean since he loathes documentaries, but he’s not get any joy from it. The sad part too is that he actually wanted to watch this movie, and now he’s just going to be reminded of tonight every time he tries to watch it.

Castiel pulls his blanket a little tighter around his shoulders, careful not to jostle what remains of the noodle and chicken soup that Dean made for supper. He has it balanced on his knees, more or less, while having bundled himself in his blanket. It was the only thing he could think of to provide the comfort he still needs after his shower. The blanket has the added bonus of telling Dean without words that he is _not_ interested in snuggling again tonight. That’s just something his heart can’t take right now.

“I’m sorry.”

Dean’s soft apology actually startles Castiel slightly. He hides it by leaning forward to put his bowl on the coffee table, done with it. “For what?” He’s honestly curious to know whether or not Dean knows why he’s apologizing.

“For not noticing that you were uncomfortable with the porn. I should have picked upon that.” Dean puts his bowl down too and turns to face Castiel slightly. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

That’s a decent thing to be apologizing for, but it has no indication that Dean understood what Castiel has tried to say earlier. He sighs and pulls the blanket tight around him again. “I’m watching the movie, Dean. We can talk about this later.” When his heart doesn’t feel so broken.

“We’re going to have to talk about it eventually, right? Might as well do it now when I –” Dean rubs a hand over his face and shakes his head. “Just, why didn’t you tell me you didn’t like the porn?”

There are a million reasons why, and almost all of them are because Castiel is so very selfish. Those Friday nights watching porn brought them closer together. It brought them to _here_ and gave him so many experiences – ones that he’s honestly not sure if he regrets or not. No. _No_. He doesn’t regret a thing that he’s done with Dean. The only regret he has is that he let himself believe even for just a moment that something more could develop from it.

It takes him a few minutes to decide on an answer. “You enjoyed it.”

“But I don’t want everything to always be about me.” Dean’s frown is audible in his voice, even though Castiel is adamantly not looking at him.

“It’s in the past.” He shrugs and hugs his knees to his chest. “What does it _matter_?”

The frustration in Dean’s voice grows with every word. “It _matters_ , okay? I just –” Dean turns to face him fully, twisting to bring a leg up on the couch. “I want to know _why_ you never said anything. You were _uncomfortable_ , Cas. You think it makes me happy knowing that you didn’t want to watch all of that?”

“Not _all_ of it made me uncomfortable.” Now that Dean’s eyes are on him, Castiel finds it difficult to keep up his air of indifference. He pulls his blanket up a little higher, using it like a shield. “It was just the ones that were obviously about nothing but sex. There were many videos that I was able to –”

The sentence trails off into a sigh and Castiel shakes his head. Trying to explain his reasons is ultimately useless. “It doesn’t matter. And I was still turned on, wasn’t I? I readily and willingly participated in everything that we did, didn’t I?” That’s what should matter here.

Dean doesn’t seem to grasp that and he shakes his head. “Cas –”

“Just _drop it_ , Dean.” He turns a glare on him, hoping that will be enough to stop him. This conversation isn’t resolving anything and Castiel wants to be done with it. “Forget I said anything to start with.”

“No, I don’t think I’m gonna do that.” Dean crosses his arms, looking more determined than Castiel has ever seen him before.

This is not the right time for this. Castiel is in no mood to actually _talk_. If anything, he wants to be alone right now to wallow in his misery. Once he’s dealt with that, maybe he can talk to Dean again. Or maybe he’ll be able to put this night behind him like he did the night of his date with Meg and they can just continue on doing what they’ve been doing. It’s either that or this is the end of everything – arrangement and potentially their friendship.

That’s the thing he wants to delay the most, and the only way to do that is to run from it. “Then I’m going to go to bed.” Castiel pushes his blanket away, intent on getting up.

“Your bed is still in the same room as me.” Dean jerks a thumb over his shoulder, gesturing at Castiel’s bed in the corner.

He has a point, but there are other beds in this apartment where Castiel can hide from him. “ _Sam’s_ room, then. He can kick me out if he comes home tonight.”

“I’m not letting this go, Cas.”

His chest goes tight, making it hard to breathe, and Castiel shakes his head. “I don’t care.”

“I _do_ care.” Dean grabs his arm as he’s standing up. “We don’t watch porn anymore and I’m happy about that too.” Those words bring Castiel to a dead stop. His mouth is open to refuse him again, but no words come out. Dean takes a deep breath and meets his eyes. “And you were right.”

“Right?” Castiel is right about a lot of things, but he has no idea what Dean is referencing right now. He frowns and slowly sits back on the edge of the couch. “About what?”

Dean’s grip on his arm flexes slightly before he lets it slide down to hold his wrist loosely between his fingers. “Sex is pretty much a billion times better when feelings are involved.” He hesitates before taking another deep breath. “When _romance_ is involved, Cas.”

The rest of the world goes silent. Castiel can’t hear anything but his own breathing and those words ringing through his head. For all he knows, everything outside this room no longer exists. Did he – No, he must have heard wrong. There’s no way Dean could have said – but he _did_. He definitely said that – Castiel can’t believe it. His head his spinning and his chest is too small and too big all at the same time.

He’s not wrong, right? Dean most definitely said that sex is better when romance is involved. Does that mean – Did he figure out what Castiel meant when he said it earlier? Does he mean the same thing? Does he – Does he _really_ – Does he dare to even _hope_?

Castiel is going to take that chance. He’s the one who said it first and now here Dean is, saying it right back. God but he hopes that he’s not understanding wrong. The dark, angry burn that has been sitting in his chest for the last few hours releases with a wave of complete and utter _joy_. Castiel can’t remember the last time he felt _this_ happy and he needs to share it.

When Dean open his mouth to speak again, Castiel moves. He doesn’t want him to say anything else that might take away how happy he’s feeling right now. Before Dean can say anything, Castiel moves. He crosses the couch in a heartbeat, abandoning his blanket to the floor as he straddles Dean’s lap. He cups his face between his hands and he kisses him. Castiel kisses him with all that he has because he loves him and he’s almost positive that Dean just said he loves him too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> \- roleplaying (doctor/patient)  
> \- bottom!Dean/top!Cas  
> \- anal fingering  
> \- anal sex  
> \- sex toys


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Warnings at the bottom of the chapter**
> 
>  
> 
> This chapter takes place between, during, and after [Chapter 30](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/6831464) and [Chapter 31](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/6918068) of the _A Little Patience_ story line.

Castiel is having _far_ too much trouble believing that this is real. Dean is loose and relaxed against him, his breathing deep and steady. He fell asleep a little while ago, long before Castiel’s lips had stopped tingling from what felt like _hours_ of kissing. It’s a little impressive that Dean never made a move to try and take it past that. Some of those kisses could easily have led into something more, but it seems neither one of them much felt the need for it.

He turns his face into Dean’s shoulder to hide his smile. If that truly was a confession like Castiel thinks it was, then it’s possible that they’ll have even _more_ moments like this. Moments where they can kiss and kiss and kiss without it being a build up to sex like it’s always been since they started their arrangement. Castiel forces himself not to actually look forward to it because they haven’t confirmed anything yet. For instance, neither one has actually _said_ their feelings yet. They’re going to need to have a conversation tomorrow, and he can only hope that it’s going to go well.

Regardless of the fact that they’re squished together on the couch, Castiel has never been more comfortable. The holiday season has barely started and this is already the best Christmas ever – as long as things go well tomorrow. He has high hopes for it, but he’ll try not to expect _too_ much. If Castiel knows Dean, and he’s fairly certain that he does, then he knows that actually having to _talk_ about their feelings for each other is going to be difficult for him. He’s not going to let this go, but he’s not going to push for more than Dean is willing to give.

He with the quasi-uncertainty of tomorrow, Castiel still happily falls asleep with Dean’s arms around him. Even though it’s on the couch, he still manages to sleep straight through until he wakes in the morning. It’s the kind of waking where he has no concept of time. The morning sun is still soft as it fills the room, but that’s not what woke him and he doesn’t quite feel ready to wake up. Instead, Castiel muffles a yawn and readjusts himself enough to lay more on top of Dean. They don’t have the blanket on them, and he must be feeling cold.

It never occurs to him, as he drifts back towards sleep, that what woke him was the sound of keys in the lock. He’s vaguely aware of the door opening and closing, and the quiet  sound of footsteps, but none of it actually rouses him. Not even a soft “Aw!” sounds out of palce to him and he hardly stirs when the blanket is suddenly pulled over him. His world is far too perfect and comfortable to care about such things. All Castiel can do is sigh happily and nuzzles his nose against the side of Dean’s throat.

Sleep must take him again, because the room is brighter than before when he wakes again. This time it’s to Dean squirming underneath him as he tries to sit up. Castiel isn’t quite ready to let him go yet and he worms his arms under Dean to hold him tightly. If he gets up, the dream might come to an end and that’s not something he’s willing to give up just yet.

He presses his face into Dean’s t-shirt to muffle a yawn. “Stay a little longer.”

“Wake _up_.” Dean’s voice is an urgent hiss by his ear as he manages to get himself propped up on his elbows. It means he’s no longer holding Castiel anymore and the loss of his arms wakes him more than anything else.

“I don’t want to. I’m comfortable.” He turns his head to rest his ear over Dean’s heart; listening to the steady th-thump. It’s a lot faster than one would expect for so early in the morning.

Dean’s breathes sharply through his nose and pushes himself up a little higher. “Yeah, and you’re _squishing_ me.”

Castiel doesn’t care. This is the perfect morning and he’s _ruining_ it. “Deal with it.”

“Cas.” He whispers in his ear and elicits a series of pleasant shivers. “I think _Sam_ is home.”

And just like that, the happy feelings are replaced with dread. The vague memories of keys and footsteps come back to him in sparkling clarity, falling into place like pieces of a puzzle. That was Sam. Sam is the one who covered them with a blanket. He saw them sleeping together. He saw them _cuddling_ and there’s no way they can simply explain this away. But wait! This could be a _good_ thing. Last night’s confession should lead to a conversation that will hopefully end with their arrangement being reclassified as a _relationship_ – in particular one that they wouldn’t hide from their friends and family.

Slowly, Castiel lifts his head, hoping to gauge Dean’s reaction. He looks nervous, and perhaps a bit worried, but he doesn’t look particularly upset. At least, he’s not upset in the way that Castiel always expected him to be if Sam found out. It easies his own worries a little bit, leaving room for the anticipation to build. Castiel has been waiting for _months_ to be able to tell those he holds dearest about him and Dean.

He pushes himself up onto his knees so the both of them can look over the back of the couch. Sam is standing in front of the stove, swaying from side to side while frying bacon and mixing batter. Their breakfast smells delicious and Castiel’s stomach rumbles hungrily. It’s loud enough that he’s almost certain that even their neighbours heard it.

Sam glances over his shoulder at them a few moments later and a bright smile fills his face. “Sup, guys?” He turns towards them and gestures with a spatula. “Did you sleep well?”

Dean glances quickly at Castiel before he shrugs. “Uh – good, I guess?” His voice cracks and Castiel can’t tell if it’s because he just woke up or if it’s the fault of his nerves.

“Fine.” He nods in agreement and spares a glance at Dean too. “Considering it was on the couch.”

With a hum, Sam turns back to the bacon. “Oh, I’m pretty sure that you were more on _Dean_ than you were on the couch.”

Of course he would point that out. As a little brother, Sam would never miss the chance to tease his big brother. He proves this by watching them closely, his smile growing ever wider as both Castiel and Dean blush at his statement.

Dean clears his throat and nervously runs a hand over the back of his neck. “Uh – about that –”

“Dude, don’t even.” Sam turns sharply and waves his spatula at them again. “I know you two have been going out for _months_. You brought Cas to the _graveyard_ and you wouldn’t do that with just anyone.”

The old familiar sting forces Castiel to draw away. He sits back on his heels and pulls his blanket around himself. They _haven’t_ been dating, no matter how much he wishes they had been, and now they need to break that news to Sam. This is what Dean didn’t want to tell him and Castiel doesn’t want to say anything until he has some kind of direction. He meets Dean’s eyes and waits, hoping that he’ll make the first move that will set the tone for this conversation. If he doesn’t say anything – if he still wants to try and pretend that they’re _not_ romantically involved – well, Castiel doesn’t know what will happen then.

To his great relief, Dean gives his consent in a quick nod. Externally, he clears his throat. Internally, Castiel is whooping for joy. Revealing the true nature of their relationship to Sam is a step in the right direction, but he doesn’t want that delight to show. Not yet, at least. He can’t start looking _happy_ about all of this until he’s certain that Dean is going to be his from this point forward.

“We’re –” Castiel clears his throat and looks to Sam, his expression carefully neutral. “Sam, we’re not dating.” He hates saying those words, but this could very well be the last time he ever even has to _think_ about them.

“Wait– _what_?” Sam almost drops his spatula and juggles it a few times before he isn’t at risk of letting it him the floor. He leaves his position at the stove to step out of the kitchen and point accusingly between the both of them.

Rather than say anything, Sam’s mouth works silently for a few moments. Eventually he shakes his head and rubs a hand over his face. “You’re _not_ dating?” He really seems to be struggling with that fact and Castiel shifts uncomfortably underneath the blanket. “But you’re both – and you – and I’m – no, I’m pretty sure that you’ve been sleeping together for a while. Right?”

Oh, so he _did_ notice that. Castiel has thought that perhaps he didn’t know they were having sex. Now isn’t the time for it, but he still runs through a mental list of all the times that Sam could have possibly gotten a hint that they were sleeping together. Jess did mention, once upon a time, that to everyone else it was apparently obvious that they had feelings for one another. Castiel knew it was true on his part, but he only ever had hopes that Dean shared in them.

He nods at the same time that Dean does, but it only makes Sam’s frown grow deeper. “So, you’ve been sleeping together and you – you’re _not_ dating?”

“We are not dating.” Castiel repeats, despising the taste they leave on this tongue. He glances at Dean, searching for some kind of sign that he won’t ever have to say them again.

Sam looks at Dean too, but there’s nothing but disappointment in his eyes. Dean hunches his shoulders and looks away from them both. “It was too soon after Lisa, okay?” He crosses his arms too and part of Castiel’s hopes wilt away as more of defenses go up. “I wasn’t ready for a relationship back then.”

The hope comes back, stronger than ever. Dean wasn’t ready for a relationship _back then_. Does that mean he’s ready now? He can’t bring himself to ask, but even Sam seems to have caught the hint in those words. They’re both looking at Dean now, and he glances back and forth between them before fixing Castiel with a small smile.

He shrugs and ducks his head, acting almost _shy_. “But I – I’m pretty sure that I’m ready for one now.”

Castiel will never be able to describe just how _good_ it is to hear that. The rush of delight leaves him feeling almost woozy. It’s ruined with the blaring tone of his alarm. All three of them are startled as it starts ringing on the living room table. Castiel dives for it, nearly unseating himself in the process, just to stop it before their neighbours complain. He doesn’t remember it ever being that loud, but he’s usually expecting it. Technically speaking, he should have been expecting this one too since it’s his sixty minute reminder of his work shift.

With a sad sigh, Castiel looks back to Dean and Sam with a pout. “I forgot that I have to be at work in an hour.” And he would much rather stay here and finish the conversation that he’s been wanting to have for literal _months_.

“You have plenty of time to eat breakfast before Dean drives you.” Sam ducks back into the kitchen as the scent of burnt bacon becomes apparent. “We’ll have the pancakes down for you by the time you’re ready. Go clean up and change.”

As much as he doesn’t want to right now, he really does have to. As he stands up, Dean catches his hand. He looks up at him with a hopeful expression – one that Castiel is not used to seeing on his face. “We’re gonna talk later, right?”

Oh dear God. He wants to – _Dean_ actually wants to _talk_? Castiel can hardly believe his ears. If it’s possible to be _beyond_ the point of happiness, than he has officially achieved it. The smile that spreads across his face is so wide that it actually _hurts_. Words are beyond him and all he can do is nod and give in to the overwhelming urge to kiss him. Castiel is already started leaning forward when he realizes that even if he’s admitted to being ready for more, it doesn’t mean that he’s ready to kiss in front of Sam.

That theory goes out the window when Dean sits up enough to meet him halfway. The kiss is soft and sweet and makes him very much want to just climb onto Dean’s lap and stay there until he absolutely _has_ to leave for work. It wouldn’t be for very long, but it would be absolutely worth it. Unfortunately he _does_ have to draw away, but Dean’s smile is so warm. Castiel can hardly look away from it – even while getting his clothing and leaving the room.

As soon as he’s shut himself in the bathroom, he sags against the counter. All the exhilaration of this morning is leaving him weak, and yet he _still_ hasn’t stopped smiling. Castiel isn’t sure if that’s even a possibility anymore. It reflects back at him in the mirror. His excitement is even making his hands shakes as he quickly sends a couple quick text messages.

The first message goes to Sam. **_Please don’t tell Jess anything. I want to tell her._**

The second he sends to Jess herself. **_I have some GOOD news for you! I’ll call you after Dean drops me off at work._** And he ends it with the most joyful looking emoji that he has in his repertoire. If he’s lucky, he should have a few minutes to talk with her before his shifts starts; longer if Crowley isn’t in yet.

Once his messages are sent off, Castiel puts his phone aside and covers his face with his hands. He massages his cheeks in some attempt to make the smile go away, if only because it’s starting to feel so ridiculous. He wants to wiggle and dance; to shout at the top of his lungs; to tell _everyone_ he knows about this. It’s just such an amazing day and he hasn’t even been awake for a whole twenty minutes yet.

Dean has changed his mind. He’s _changed his mind_. Dean Winchester legitimately said that he is _ready for more_ , and it’s fairly clear that he wants to have that ‘more’ with _Castiel_. At this very moment, there is nothing that could top that. Although he would consider the moment when he comes out of the bathroom to find Sam and Dean laughing together in the kitchen as a close runner up. It’s a bit confusing to be left out of the _reason_ why they’re laughing, but at least someone made his bed for him, so that is a bonus in its own right.

Dean turns around with a smile on his face. There is a plate of pancakes and bacon in his hand, and he passes it off to Castiel with a gesture towards the table. “Eat up. I’ve gotta get ready too.” He shoves a few extra strips of bacon into his mouth before running off to the bathroom. A quick glance at their giant wall calendar confirms the unasked question about whether or not Dean works today.

While Castiel polishes off his breakfast, Dean showers as quickly as he is able. He’s actually fairly quick at it, despite his usual penchant for letting the hot water beat on his shoulders for as long as he’s able. When he comes out to get dressed, a towel wrapped around his waist, Castiel is in the process of picking a book to read during his lunch break. They share a quick smile before Dean disappears into his bedroom to get dressed.

Castiel puts on his shoes and coat slowly, giving Dean plenty of time to have some of the breakfast Sam made before they have to leave. While Sam was making the pancakes, Castiel had put together a simple bagged lunch for Dean. It consisted of two shaved chicken sandwich, a baggie of carrot sticks, and some crackers and cheese.

Sam makes sure Dean has his lunch bag in hand before directing him towards the door. “Hurry up or you’re going to make Cas late.”

“Puh-leese.” Dean rolls his eyes with a laugh. “You know how I drive. I’m king of the road.”

Compared to other people in Castiel’s life, Dean is actually one of the better drivers that he knows. “It’s better than driving with Gabriel.” He feels this needs to be added to the conversation, if only because he knows Dean would be happy to hear that he’s better at something than Gabriel. It does earn a chuckle from Dean as he pulls on his boots.

Castiel smiles down at him before looking to Sam. “Thank you for breakfast, Sam. And for the blanket.”

He shrugs and tilts his head with a smile. “Yeah, well, you two looked cold.” Sam laughs and flicks his hands at them in a quick shooing motion. “I’ll see you both later and I expect good news.”

That sends a fluttering feeling running through Castiel’s chest. It leaves him a little short of breath as they head out together. The walk down to the parking garage is a quiet one, aside from the jingling of Dean’s keys. The talk they’re going to have is looming in the near future, but Castiel doesn’t want to be the one to initiate it. Their feelings are on the table now, to an extent, and he wants _Dean_ to be the one to make the first move.

His book makes for a good distraction on the way down to the car. He could continue reading while they’re driving, but that seems like the ideal time that Dean would start the conversation that they need to have. It doesn’t start right away, but Castiel didn’t expect it to. Knowing that their feelings are mutual has, however, emboldened him somewhat. He puts his hand on the seat between them, palm up, and hopes that Dean will get the message.

After a block, the message is received. Dean carefully slides their fingers together and Castiel can actually _see_ him relax. He breathes out a soft sigh and settles back into his seat. And yet nothing happens. Dean _still_ doesn’t say anything, and it stays like that for the rest of their. A nervous lump rises in Castiel’s throat. _Why_ won’t Dean say anything? Doesn’t he know that he needs to be the one to start it? Or is he waiting for Castiel to break the silence? He frets over it right up until Dean pulls the car into a stop in front of the café.

Dean turns on the flashing hazard lights once the car is parked.  He squeezes Castiel’s hand before letting go and turning to him. “Do you –” His voice cracks slightly and he clears his throat. “D’you have any plans for after work?”

Oh, thank _God_. He actually said something. Castiel’s relief lives him a little dizzy, but he still manages a smile. “No, I don’t.”

“Would you –” Dean shrugs and rubs at the back of his neck, clearly nervous and utterly adorable. “I mean, do you want to go out to dinner, or something?”

That light-headed feeling grows and Castiel briefly feels like he’s floating. This is it. This is what he wanted. This is Dean _asking him out_ and he can hardly believe that it’s happening. He has to ask – to confirm that this is real. “Are you asking me on a date, Dean?”

Dean licks his lips and nods. “Yeah, I am.” He swallows audibly and twists his hands in his lap. “Y’know, I meant what I said earlier. I’m ready for more.” He glances up through his lashes. “I mean, if you’re – uh – interested? I totally get it if you’re not. This was never part of the – and I’m just a – and I’ve been –”

It is _incredibly_ endearing that Dean is acting so ridiculously nervous. Castiel can’t hold back from it and he slides across the seat to comfort him. He catches Dean’s face between his hands and kisses him, soft and sweet and just what Dean needs. The kiss is something familiar and easy to them. Dean sags into it with a quiet sigh. He even leans after it when Castiel finally draws away.

“I look forward to tonight, then.” With one last kiss to Dean’s cheek, Castiel pulls back to his seat. “I’ll text you on my break and we can make plans then.”

The smile that spreads on Dean’s lips is wide and genuine. “Y-yeah, okay.”

He catches Castiel’s arm and draws him back for another kiss. It’s far less innocent than the previous ones. His hands move to Castiel’s hips, gripping them tightly. Dean always does this when he doesn’t want him to pull away. It’s cute, but now is not really the time for it – even though the twist of his tongue against Castiel’s is quickly sapping his will to leave.

What time he had before his shift is well spent here. But the clock on the dash is still visible and he makes sure to glance at it whenever he has the chance. When he has just a few minutes before his shift, he forces himself bring the kiss to an end. “I have to go.”

Dean still leans after him, just for a moment, before he reins himself in. THey both have matching smiles, though Castiel likens Dean’s smile to the sun. It’s bright and beautiful and he wants to bask in its glow for eternity. With some reluctance, he slips out of the car. He lingers with his hand on the door, not wanting to shut it just yet. If only they could both skip work today and just go somewhere and talk. Then he wouldn’t have to suffer through a whole shift before he can get the resolution he wants.

“So _that’s_ why you didn’t want to date me!” Meg’s laughs catches Castiel off guard and he slams the Impala’s door to protect Dean from whatever teasing is about to come next.

He turns around sharply to find Meg standing in front of the café’s door, a wide and wicked grin on her lips. Castiel starts herding her into the café where there are less people to witness her teasing. “That wasn’t meant for you to see.”

“Yet I still saw it.” She flutters her eyelashes at him and clutches her hands to her chest. “And might I add _wow_. If that’s what you can do, then I sure missed out on some fun.” As if it were icing on the cake, Meg ends off with a two toned whistle.

It’s loud enough that the workers in the kitchen must have heard it. Castiel shushes her with a sharp gesture. “Could you _not_ make a big deal out of this? There are certain people who I don’t want to know about this just yet.”

“It was totally obvious before our date that you two had a thing for each other, Clarence.” Meg sighs and shakes her head. “I get greedy and wanted a piece of the pie for myself, but I was too late.” She perks up with a laugh and claps him on the shoulder. “Congrats and your shit working out for you in the end! You two better be happy together, got it?”

“Thank you.” Castiel ducks his head to hide the blush he knows his building in his cheeks. “We will certainly try.” He clears his throat and flaps his hand at her again. “Now please don’t say anything else. And _don’t_ tell Gabriel.”

The look on her face is all that he needs to know that he’s already failed in this regard. It’s far too amused as she glances over his shoulder. Castiel turns to find Gabriel standing with his hands on his hips and an eyebrows raised. "Don’t tell Gabriel _what_ , Cassie?”

With some effort, Castiel manages to maintain a cool exterior – as if he wasn’t just caught out trying to hide something from his brother. “Oh, hello Gabriel.”

Meg cackles before she slaps Castiel on the ass. She starts towards the kitchen with a wave over her shoulder. “I’ll leave it to you to give him the good news.”

Gabriel crosses his arms and narrows his eyes. “What kind of good news is the kind that you _don’t_ want to share with me, huh?”

Castiel swallows thickly, but he can’t make himself stop smiling. At least he’s managed to keep himself from fidgeting. “I – um – I have a date tonight.”

“Oh!” The stern frown breaks into a big smile. “That’s great, Cassie! Do I know them? Are they from the university?” He crosses over to pull Castiel into a tight hug. “Why haven’t you told me about them?”

This is going to be painful and the best way to do it is quickly, like ripping off a bandaid. Castiel sighs and braces himself for the argument he knows is going to come from this. “Yes, you do know him. No, he doesn’t go to my university. And I _have_ told you several things about our friendship.”

Gabriel’s smile falls almost as quickly as it first appeared. “Oh God.” He steps back with that suspicious look again. “It’s Dean, isn’t it?”

The blush burns in his cheeks again and his smile starts to get a little bit ridiculous.  That’s all the answer Gabriel needs and he groans loudly. “Oh, _Cassie_.” He sighs, and puts a hands on his shoulder. “If he _ever_ makes you cry, I will go straight up Mrs. Lovett on his ass.”

“I don’t understand that reference.”

“Sweeney Todd, the Demon Barber of Fleet Street.” Gabriel rolls his eyes. “It means that since he loves pies so much, I’ll make him into meat pie if he hurts you.”

That doesn’t sound very pleasant and Castiel wrinkles his nose at it. “I would prefer if you didn’t, regardless of how things work out between us.”

Though he won’t admit it to anyone, he has a strong feeling that things will work out just fine. This year is evident of that. Castiel’s hopes are very high, considering how they’ve been basically dating for months now. He doesn’t expect very much to change in their lives once they officially start dating and he’s honestly looking forward to it.

“We are totally going to talk about your choices later, young man.” Gabriel wags a finger at him before turning back to the kitchen. “I have some tarts that need tending to, but we’re sure as hell not done talking about this. Got it?”

Castiel sighs and nods. “I understand.”

He follows Gabriel into the kitchen, but turns to head to the employee area where he can hang up his coat and tie on the apron he wears around his waist. Just as he’s tucking his phone into one of the pockets, it starts to vibrate violently, the silent setting already turned on in preparation of his shift. Who would be calling him right now?

The answer to that question is Jess, and Castiel is quite suddenly reminded that he was supposed to call her before he started work. He glances at the clock and determines that he can be a few minutes late to the front. Meg can cover for him for now. But just in case he answers the call on his way to hide out in the bathroom. No one can fault him for needing to use that.

“Hello, Jess.” He puts the phone to his ear as he locks the door behind him.

“You said you would call me!” She huffs, clearly unhappy. “Sam refuses to tell me what’s going on and he said you were supposed to start work five minutes ago.”

Castiel smothers a smile and leans against the sink. “Yes, I’m sorry. It’s been an eventful hour since I sent that message and I forgot. Can you forgive me?”

Jess’s annoyed tone melts into an amused laugh. “Of course. It’s so hard to stay mad at you. Unless you don’t tell me what _eventful_ things happened. Then I’m going to bus to the café and I’ll make the _biggest_ mess you’ve ever seen. I’ll watch you have to clean it up too.”

“Duly noted.” He muffles a laugh under his hand and glances at himself in the mirror. “The event in question is that I have a _date_ after work today.”

The squeal that rips through their call is so loud that Castiel has to pull the phone away from his ear or risk losing his hearing. After a few seconds, he carefully puts it back. “Are you done?”

“That depends.” Jess sounds breathy and excited, almost more so than Castiel has felt all morning. “Is the date with a certain green eyed, freckle faced dork that we both know and love?”

“Yes, it’s Dean.”

Again, she squeals, but this time it’s not as piercing. “Oh, _Cas_!” There’s even the sound of clapping, and Castiel briefly imagines her holding the phone between her shoulder and ear to free up her hands. “I’m so happy for you! I knew you two were going to work out.” Her excitement is contagious and Castiel covers his face with his hand to hide his smile, even though he’s the only one who could see it. “ _And_ I’m going to win the bet!”

That brings him up short and Castiel looks up to frown at himself in the mirror. “Wait. What bet?”

She clears her throat and at least _pretends_ to sound a little guilty. “Well, Sam and I may or may not have a bet about when you guys would start dating. He put his money down on _the past_ , saying that you two have been dating with the summer. I bet that you hadn’t started dating yet.”

“That’s not fair, Jess.” Castiel shakes his head with a sigh. “You had an inside source. I already told you that we definitely  weren’t dating _and_ you knew that I had feelings for him. I never told Sam anything.”

“Nothing in the rules said that I wasn’t allowed to have an inside source.” Jess chuckles, clearly pleased with herself. “Besides, Sam had Dean. It’s not my fault that he never asked him the right kind of questions, or that Dean never opened up to him about anything.”

Castiel rolls his eyes. “Whatever helps you sleep at night, Jess.”

“I sleep _very_ well, thank you very much.” She sniffs as if she had been insulted. “But seriously, Cas, I’m _so_ happy for you. I really hope that the date goes well and we get some good news after it. Will you let me know how things turn out?”

“Of course I will.” He rubs his palm against the edge of the sink, trying to focus on the tingly, happy feelings he has, more than any of the darker, more doubtful thoughts swimming around in the back of his mind. “I – I think everything will be okay.”

She hums, sounding almost as happy as he feels. “Good. If anyone deserves to be happy together, it’s you two. You’ve got my full support.”

“Thank you, Jess.” His heart feels ten times bigger than usual, reminding him just how thankful he is for all the wonderful people he has in his life right now. “For what it’s worth, I think you and Sam are equally as worthy of happiness.”

“Don’t you worry about us. We’re plenty happy.” Her voice takes an excessively warm edge to it, and Castiel knows without a doubt that she loves Sam. “I’ll let you get back to work now. You had better text or call me later, okay?”

“Absolutely.” He steps back and puts a hand on the door handle, knowing that he’ll be returning to a scolding after they’ve said their goodbyes. With how happy he is this morning, he honestly doesn’t mind. He could get a thousand scoldings and he would smile through each and every one of them.

*

During their texting conversation earlier, Dean had mentioned that he would pick Castiel up from work. That meant that he had a whole hour to waste between the end of his shift and the end of Dean’s. That was part of the reason he brought a book with him, as he expected it given how their morning had played out. He was actually looking forward to reading, but he doesn’t get much of that done with the cast of co-workers he has.

Meg and Gabriel both have big mouths and word of Castiel’s date with Dean has spread to _everyone_. Even some of their usual customers found out somehow between when he took their orders and when they were leaving. With everyone knowing, of course it was only a matter of time before everyone decided to give their own tips and opinions. By the time Dean texts that he’s leaving the garage, Castiel has heard more ways about _how to have a good date_ from more people than he cares to hear from.

The worst is that they all follow him outside when he goes to wait for Dean. Crowley even brings his dogs out, and when Castiel frowns at him he simply shrugs. “It’s about time for their afternoon walk anyways. This is just a lovely coincidence.”

“And what are _your_ excuses?” Castiel turns to Meg and Gabriel, both of whom have also followed them outside. “I’m sure you must have them too.”

“I’m your big brother. I don’t _need_ an excuse to see my baby brother off on his first date.” Gabriel huffs and crosses his arms as he leans back against the building.

Meg makes an affronted noise and shoves his shoulder. “I’ll have you know that _I_ was his first date.” She huffs, but there’s a grin on her lips when she turns to Castiel. “And I’m just here to enjoy the show.”

Dear God, give him strength. These people are ridiculous and they need to mind their own business. They’ve already bothered him for the better part of the last hour. Why do they feel the need to annoy him now too? Can’t they just leave him alone and let him go on his date in peace? It’s not like he isn’t nervous enough already. Dean has had _hours_ on his own now to think things through and there is the possibility that he could have changed his mind. It’s a little bit terrifying and Castiel has got progressively more and more anxious as the day went on.

“Turn that frown upside down, honey.” Meg pulls him around to face her. She starts adjusting his clothing and playing with his hair. “You’re cute when you frown, but you look better when you smile and you want Dean to like you, don’t you?”

“He _already_ likes me.” Castiel huffs, but he makes no attempt to stop her. He knows that it’s a battle he wouldn’t win if he tried. “This date is more a chance to talk in private about whether or not we want to remain friends or if we want to pursue a relationship together. And I would prefer that no one say anything rude to him when he gets here.”

Gabriel steps forward to wag a finger at him. “Don’t let that jerk railroad you into anything you’re not ready for, okay? I’ve seen how smooth he can be. If he tries anything more than holding your hand, I want you to karate chop him in the nuts because you’re a _good_ boy and you’re not going to tolerate his wicked ways.”

It would probably kill him if he knew that Castiel has done far more than that without even dating Dean in the first place. He’s in the process of weighing the pros and cons of telling him when the familiar rumble of the Impala’s engine pulls up behind him. That does nothing to stop Gabriel’s lecture about what not to do on a date and Meg is adamant on fixing his hair, as if she’ll ever be able to tame it.

After a moment, there’s the creak and slam of the car door. Castiel turns around as Dean is crossing his arms over the roof of the Impala and he can’t help smiling. “Hi guys. Am I interrupting something?”

Before Castiel can get a word out, Gabriel is pushing past him to point at Dean. “If you’re going to date my brother, lover boy, then you had better treat him like a goddamn _king_.”

“ _Gabriel_.” He reaches out to slap his hand away, mortified yet not even remotely surprised that he’s done this. “I told you not to –”

“I’m just looking out for you, Cassie.” Gabriel turns around with a pout. “You’ve been in love with this idiot for years and I don’t want him hurting you anymore.”

Someone was going to say something stupid right now and of course it had to be Gabriel. Castiel turns a dark glare on him. “He hasn’t –” Oh, what’s the point? Gabriel already thinks what he thinks about Dean and nothing he says right now will be able to change his mind before he has to leave. They already discussed it to death on their lunch break about whether or not Dean not knowing about his feeling has _hurt_ him over the last year.

Castiel shakes his head and starts towards the car. “I’m not going over this with you again. I’m leaving.” He turns a smile on Dean, hoping that what Gabriel said hasn’t frightened him in anyway. “I’m sorry for the delay. Shall we go?”

“Whenever you’re ready,  sunshine.” Dean flashes him a grin and throws in a wink. It’s not enough to cover the nervous glance he throws over Castiel’s shoulder. What Gabriel said must be bothering him, and they are most certainly going to be addressing that in their conversation later.

Meg’s loud laugh startles him for the second time today and she shoves Castiel forward into the side of the car. “Go get ‘em, tiger!”

He twists to glare over his shoulder, making a mental note to admonish each and every one of them on his next shift. As he gets into the car, Gabriel earns himself an extra half hour of reprimanding by pointing at Dean. “This is your _first_ date. Don’t get _fresh_ with him!”

Crowley snorts loudly and both of his dogs start barking. “According to Meg, that boat has already sailed on all accounts.”

“Oh man, you have no idea!” Meg’s laughter joins his. “You should have seen them _kiss_ this morning. Hooboy! That was definitely not a _first date_ kind of kiss.”

Gabriel makes a strangled noise in the back of his throat and Castiel isn’t surprised that Dean quickly gets into the car following that. He leans out the door a little to grab the handle, tensing his arm in preparation of pulling it closed. The truth is out there now, and there’s no point in trying to hide it any more than this.

“You’re half a year too late for that, Gabriel.” He tries to keep his voice steady, but the blush burning the back of his neck is making it just a little bit difficult. “Now if you’ll excuse me, we’re hungry and we’re going to dinner now.” Before anything further can be said, he slams the door and turns to Dean. “Hit the gas before he works through what I just said and tries to kill you.”

If Gabriel is this worked up about the mere idea of Dean _kissing_ him, than knowing that he took his chastity might spell the end for him. In fact, it might be the end of the both of them. Castiel is never going to hear the end of it for not telling Gabriel when he lost his virginity. It’s not a topic he feels that they need to share, but his brother is of a different mind, apparently. He’s always been overly graphic and sharing far too much information than what Castiel deems necessary.

They’ve barely even turned the corner down the street before his phone is vibrating angrily in his pocket. It’s a stuttered pattern, which means it’s multiple text messages and not an actual phone call. Regardless, he ignores it and sags back into his seat with a sigh. That was more nerve wracking than he thought it would be. If he had known how annoying they were going to be, he would have tried harder to send them back inside.

“I didn’t know that Gabe was so protective of you.”

Castiel shrugs and rubs a hand over his face. “it’s a recent development with him. He’s been very protective ever since I switched majors and incited problems with Father.” Before that, they didn’t text nearly every day, and while Gabriel has always cared, he was never _that_ involved in making sure that Castiel was happy.

“Yeah, I can understand that.”

Dean reaches over to loop an arm around Castiel’s shoulders. With one tug he urges him to slide closer. As the car rolls to a stop at a red light, he presses a kiss to his cheek, proving with gentle affections that spending the day apart _hasn’t_ changed his mind. Or, rather, that’s what he Castiel chooses to believe. He’s going to believe with all his heart and he turns head to kiss Dean properly; something they couldn’t have done in front of the café. Had they done that, the jeering and catcalling might very well have been loud enough to shatter glass.

Due to the light cycle, they have to keep the kiss short. Castiel doesn’t mind and he elects to spend the rest of the ride comfortably leaning against Dean’s side. It must be an acceptable decision, because Dean makes no effort to move his arm until they pull into the parking lot of a diner. This one is only _slightly_ different from their date a few weeks ago, but the food is probably just as good. Dean really does love diners and he knows the best in the city, and Castiel trusts his choices.

Rather than get out the car once they’re parked, Dean simply puts both hands on the steering wheel once Castiel slides across the seat to his door. He glances at him after a moment. “We – We’ve got a lot to talk about, huh?”

Castiel shifts in his seat and flexes his fingers on the door handle. “I believe so.”

“When do you want to do it?” Dean sighs and looks out the window at the diner.

He looks nervous and Castiel would give just about anything to calm him. It takes him a few moments to think about what would be the best way to handle that. “There’s no time like the present, I suppose.” If they have the talk now, then they wouldn’t have to feel anxious throughout dinner and whatever they end up doing afterwards.

Dean actually looks a little queasy at that and he glances at Castiel again. “You – uh – you don’t think that talking about this is going to spoil dinner, do you?”

“I don’t see why.” That’s a good question, but it would only happen if the conversation had an unfavourable conclusion. While Castiel might be nervous, he honestly thinks that this is only going to end one way.

That doesn’t seem to calm Dean any. He continues drumming his fingers as he swallows thickly. “What if we talk about it after we eat? Like, maybe when we’re walking on the beach?”

“If that’s what you would prefer.” Castiel shrugs, but he offers Dean a soft smile. They discussed the possibility of going for a walk, but it wasn’t set in stone. He would like it if they did, though.

Almost immediately, Dean’s shoulders relax and he actually becomes capable of returning the smile. “Yeah, I think that would be better right now. To wait.”

Castiel should have suspected that would be his answer. Dean has _always_ hated talking about his emotions. Something like this would be no different, even though he should know that he has Castiel’s everything.  His heart belongs to Dean, no matter what course their future conversation takes. And if they don’t end up dating after this, Castiel is going to be _very_ confused.

“Then that is what we’ll do.” He leans across the divide between them again and guides Dean into a kiss, and then another, and another. By the fifth kiss, any tension that had remained has melted away and an easy smile has found its place on Dean’s lips. Castiel hums and pats him on the cheek. “Now how about we go get something to eat?”

“Luring me in with food, Cas?” He laughs and pops his door open. “You know me _so_ well.”

*

They’re holding hands again. Is it maybe just a little bit silly that Castiel is absolutely over the _moon_ just at the fact that they’re _holding hands_? Not only that, but they’re doing it in public while they’re walking on the beach. He’s absolutely giddy by it and he is thus far succeeding at not showing it. Dean, on the other hand, is not really hiding that he’s starting to get nervous again. His grip on Castiel’s hand has tightened considerably since sand started to crunch beneath their heels.

He had been much better during the dinner. They talked easily, shared their food, and otherwise had a wonderful date. It was very reminiscent of their last date and Castiel hopes that they’ll have many more like it. He really does like sitting on the same side of the table with Dean and hopefully he can do that for every dinner for the rest of his life. Thinking about forever might be a little heavy handed, but Castiel feels just that _good_ right now.

“So.” Dean interrupts his happy thought as he clears his throat. “I guess we should – yeah?” It _is_ about time that they start their conversation. Castiel encourages him with a nod and a squeeze of his hand, but Dean only makes a pained expression before sighing. “Great. Let’s start with – uh – I dunno.”

After a few moments of silence and staring at the floor, Dean looks up again. “Gabe said _years_ , right?”

“Yes, he did.” There’s no point in denying it and Castiel nods again.

“I –” Dean licks his lips and shakes his head, clearly not sure what to do about that information. It’s a little cute, and a little bit worrying. “Do you – I mean, are – will we be –” He pauses before breaking down with a sigh. “Fuck.”

They come to a stop at the edge of the water and Castiel stares out at the bay, parsing what he can from the broken sentences. He tilts his head slightly, brow furrowed as he considers it. There’s an obvious answer, but sometimes obvious with his words. Should he take that chance? “I think I understand what you’re trying to ask.” And his heart is fluttering _hard_ just thinking about it.

After another hard squeeze of his hand, bolstering his courage,  Castiel decides  to do it. He’s going to take the plunge and just go for it, because he’s almost _positive_ that he knows what Dean is trying to get at here. “If you’re asking if I would date you in an extended and permanent manner…” Castiel looks to him and Dean is watching him with wide, hopeful eyes. He even nods, and that’s all the confirmation he needs. “The answer is yes.”

“Thank God.” Dean breathes as he pulls Castiel into a simple kiss, and yet it still makes his knees go weak. When it eventually comes to an end, they part to reveal matching smiles. “Me too.”

Oh lord, Castiel might _cry_. He can’t stop smiling and it’s _fantastic_. Even on this blustery beach, he feels warm; like he’s carrying his own sun behind his ribs. His whole body is vibrating with sheer happiness and the only way he can hide it is by starting their walk again.

“I have –” He ducks his head as he pulls Dean after him to continue along the beach. “I’ve wanted this for a long time.”

“How long is that?” Dean asks softly as he tucks in against his side while they walk.

They’ve never been this close together in the open before and the sudden influx of things they’re allowed to do now is making Castiel a little dizzy. If he wants to cuddle with Dean while they watch a movie with Sam, he can. If he wants to sleepily kiss the back of his neck while making coffee in the morning, he can. If he wants to sleep in his bed at night and wake up next to him in the morning, he can. Everything is contingent on Dean’s willingness, of course, but these are things Castiel doesn’t just have to _wish_ for anymore. He could do them and no one would question why he was doing that with his best friend. The options available to him now are absolutely _exhilarating_.

These are all things he’s wanted for so long that he doesn’t even know how to answer Dean’s question properly. All he can do is give a general guesstimate. “Before I moved in.” He shrugs and looks down at his shoes, worried that maybe Dean might be upset by it. “I can’t narrow it down much more than that.”

“Holy shit, Cas.” Dean draws them to a stop with a sharp tug at Castiel’s hand; pulling him around. “Why didn’t you ever say anything?”

He can’t bring himself to look Dean in the eye. Though he had no real obligation to tell him about his feelings, it does feel a little like Castiel has been lying to him for a long time. He had very good reasons for why he never said anything, but now everything just feels so silly in light of the fact that Dean is _his_ now. They have both admitted to wanting to date each other and that means they’re together, right? If they’re together, then nothing in the past really matters, does it?

Despite that, Dean will still want an answer and there’s no way Castiel can get out of it. He sighs and shrugs. “Because you were with Lisa at the time and I couldn’t rightly tell you after you broke up. I was the only one there when you got drunk that night and said that you were done with relationships forever.” It’s a heart wrenching memory for him, but he can’t help smiling at it now knowing that Dean wants to be with him now. “That wasn’t the most encouraging of moments for a confession.”

The way Dean’s eyebrows draw together into a confused frown says everything Castiel needs to know. “You were _very_ drunk.” His smile grows wider as he takes Dean’s free hand in his. “I will readily admit that I know very little about most things having to do with relationships, but I thought – I had figured that you weren’t ready.”

Castiel slides his thumbs over the backs of Dean’s hands, choosing to watch that instead of looking him in the eye. There are some things that are easier to admit when he’s not looking at him. “I was content with simply being your friend. And then when we became fuck buddies, I was – I was very pleased to be allowed to have you, even if it was only in a sexual capacity.”

“Really?” Dean’s voice is rough and strained; little more than a squeak right now.

This is clearly more information than he was expecting. He’s processing it as best he can, and Castiel is willing to give him the time to consider it He nods and watches from under his lashes, waiting. It doesn’t take long before Dean is stepping into him again, his hand guiding Castiel to lift his head and meet him for another kiss. This part of the beach is more crowded than earlier and he can’t breathe knowing that Dean _wants_ to kiss him in front of people. Anyone they know could be here today, despite the overcast skies, and yet they’re _still_ kissing.

His heart and his head feel like they’re full of clouds as they start walking again. Castiel has no questions of his own and he’s perfectly happy to just hold Dean’s hand and walk together. Every several long minutes of a content silence, filled only with the chatter of other beach goers and the ebb and flow of the waves, they reach a large outcropping of rocks that spreads out into the water. Several of them sit high above the water, but farther out than they could get if they took off their shoes and rolled up the cuffs of their pants. 

In a burst of adventurousness, Castiel climbs one and then another. Dean hesitates before following suite. They jump from rock to rock, being careful of where they step. When they reach the last of the rocks and there’s nothing but the ocean and the rocks around them, they sit and lean against each other. Castiel rests his head on Dean’s shoulder and draws his hand into his lap. He feels more at peace with the world than he ever has before while he traces the lines of Dean’s palm.

Eventually, one of them breaks the silence. Dean clears his throat and raises his voice enough to speak over the waves. “Were you seriously never going to say naything ever and just let us stay fuck buddies because I said –” He hesitates and shifts next to him. “Because I’ve been –” He stops again and takes a few more moments before figuring his question out. “What if I never figured out that I wanted to go out with you?”

Now _that_ is a very good question and Castiel honestly doesn’t have an answer for it. Recently he had been considering that things were starting to get too much for him, but he’s not sure if he could have ever just give Dean up like that. It’s entirely possible that he would have just stayed with things as there are until their arrangement came to its natural end. He would have hated that, but at least he wouldn’t have had to make the hard choice of ending things with Dean himself.

His lack of an answer causes Dean to shift again and he twists his hand to catch Castiel’s fingers in his own. “Why?”

He read between the silence, and this time he did it quite well. Castiel can only shrug. “I didn’t want to make you uncomfortable or to risk what he had.” He squeezes Dean’s hand in his lap. “I told you months ago that I’m happy, and I _am_. I was satisfied to have you in whatever way that I could.”

It takes Dean a few moments to remember that particular conversation. His memory for details isn’t quite as spot on as Castiel’s is. “But you said –” He pauses and Castiel can practically _hear_ the frown. “There was all that stuff about sex and romance, and –”

“You’re a very caring person, Dean.” He cuts in at the next pause and kisses the back of Dean’s hand. “Both as a friend and as a sexual partner. It was ridiculously easy to pretend that we were romantically involved whenever we had sex.” In hindsight, that probably is a healthy thing to do mentally and likely contributed to how long Castiel was able to maintain this arrangement.

Dean sighs and tilts his head to rest it against the top of his own. “Do you always remember everything that we talk about?”

“More or less.” He doesn’t remember _everything_ , but Castiel has always had a very good memory. It especially applies to things that happen with his Gabriel or his friends, and Dean in particular, as he holds those memories the most dear.

“What else did you say about being happy?”

Castiel hums softly while he thinks, trying to recall what was said. It only takes him a second. “I said I could be happier and –” He pauses, hoping that Dean won’t be upset by this either. “And I said that there were things I wanted that I couldn’t have.”

“You – uh –” Dean clears this throat and tightens his grip on Castiel’s hand. “Did you mean me?”

With a hum, Castiel nods. His heart sinks immediately as Dean pulls his hand free to cover his face. There’s a swear muffled somewhere behind his hands as he leans forward to rest his knees on his elbows. This is not the kind of reaction that Castiel was expecting and it’s almost the opposite of what he had been hoping for. What is he supposed to do about this? What can he say to keep this from becoming a bad thing? Dear God but he hopes that’s actually possible.

After a few moments of debating, Castiel gently touches arm. “Are you – Have I made you uncomfortable with telling you that I –” He stops his sentence part way and looks out at the bay. It’s going to be problematic if speaking about his feelings makes Dean uncomfortable. How are they supposed to have a relationship if he doesn’t like talking about these kinds of things?

“No, that’s not making me uncomfortable.” Dean sighs and drops his hands, though he doesn’t sit upright again.

“But you don’t look very happy knowing this now.” Castiel’s stomach clenches around the dinner they just had. What can he do right now to make him happy? Shouldn’t he be happy knowing that he’s had Castiel’s full attention and all of his love for ages? He knows _he_ would be happy if their positions were reversed right now.

Dean shakes his head slowly as he sits back again. Any worries Castiel had disappear as Dean takes both of his hands and brings them to his lips to place kisses across his knuckles. “I just – Jesus, Cas, I wish that I’d known sooner.”

Oh thank God. He’s uncomfortable because he regrets that they didn’t act on their feelings earlier. That’s so sweet. Unnecessary, but sweet, and Castiel leans against him with a smile. “You may want that, but I don’t.”

Dean puts his arm around his shoulders and gives them a squeeze. It’s hard to tell if that’s just because he tensed up at that statement, or because it was a gesture of affection. Judging by the tight squeak in his voice, it might be the former. “What?”

Castiel tries to get his smile under control, but it’s very difficult when he’s being so utterly _adorable_. He sighs and shakes his head against his shoulder. “Dean, if you had known about how I feel about you back when you weren’t ready for a relationship, you would have run away. You would have distanced yourself from me to the point that I doubt we would have remained friends. We would never be where we are now.”

“You don’t know that.” He mumbles under his breath as his free hand seeks out Castiel’s fingers to link them together.

It’s true that he doesn’t know that the situation would have ended up like that, but there is one variable that he’s practically an expert in. “I know _you_.” He’s fairly certain that he could make an accurate prediction of what would have happened from that alone.

Even Dean knows that’s true as he deflates slightly with a sigh. He rests his head against Castiel’s again and rubs his thumb against his knuckles. “Y’know, I can’t remember when I first started thinking about wanting to date you. I mean –” He shrugs his other shoulder so as not to jostle Castiel too much. “I wanted to do that back when I first met you, but I couldn’t – you were – and then Lisa happened and I –”

“It’s okay, Dean.” Castiel hums again. He really is just unbelievably content with life right now. The only way things could possibly be better right now is if his father accepted his decision to pursue photography and if his mother lived much closer than she actually does. If things were like that, life would be completely and utterly _perfect_.

“You know all that stuff I said yesterday when you were Dr. Collins?” Dean turns to press a kiss to the top of Castiel’s head. “I meant it. I didn’t love Lisa – or, y’know, at least not like a boyfriend was supposed to, I guess. And I was just – I was worried that if we – then I’d just –” He ends with a sigh.

The effort Dean is making right now to actually talk about his feelings should be commended. This isn’t easy for him and Castiel appreciates it. He slips his arm around Dean’s back and lifts his head enough to press a kiss to his temple. Even if he can’t bring himself to talk about this subject anymore, Castiel wants him to know that he’s happy with what they _have_ discussed. As far as he’s concerned, there really isn’t much else that they can talk about right now.

Dean apparently has other thoughts on that. After a long stretch of silence where they’ve been simply enjoying each other’s company and the lovely view of the bay, he tightens his grip on Castiel’s hand. His voice is nothing more than a whisper when he speaks. “I was worried I’d hurt you.”

That takes him by surprise and a short puff of a laugh escapes him before he realizes it. “You thought you were going to hurt me by _dating_ me?” It just seems a little bit ridiculous to him.

“Not _just_ with that.” He grumbles and nudges Castiel with his shoulder. “I was worried that I wasn’t going to be able to – that you were just gonna end up being like Lisa. And I didn’t want to do that again. Not to you.”

Understanding strikes him dumb. “Oh.” He hadn’t considered that before and it scares him a little. Dean liked Lisa and dated her for quite a while, but he never _loved_ her. The thought of that happening to the both of them is just a little bit terrifying. “But things are – they’re different now. Aren’t they?” God, but he hopes that they are.

Dean sits up straighter now, pulling away from Castiel so he can turn to look him in the eye. “Yeah. Things are different now.”

The relief is still held at bay, but hope is already starting to creep back in. Castiel bites his lip as he turns to face Dean too. “It’s a _good_ different, right?”

“Yeah.” Dean leans in with a smile, catching him in a kiss. “Good different.”

With a happy sigh, Castiel leans into him to return the kiss. Even if Dean doesn’t say the words exactly, he doesn’t need to. Castiel can read between the lines too and he knows that Dean _does_ love him. That’s something that probably terrifies him, and this much of a confession is more than Castiel could ever ask for. He is _more_ than happy to wait until the day that Dean is comfortable enough to way those words to him himself. And he’s sure that moment will come one day.

*

“Oh my God, Cas. Look at this.” Dean kicks off his shoes and goes around the couch the moment they walk into the apartment. He plucks a piece of paper off the TV from where it’s been taped to hang over the screen. “Sam left us a note.”

And that answers the unasked question about if he was or wasn’t home. He hadn’t texted either of them while they were out and it was a little bet between them about whether he would be here or not. Dean had been mostly convinced during their drive home back that Sam would be here, if only to either congratulate them or provide emotional support. Castiel knew, without hardly any doubt, that Sam wasn’t going to be here. He would have respected their need for privacy today, and especially if the news was going to positive. As a brother himself, he knows that _he_ wouldn’t want to be around when Gabriel comes home with his girlfriend after they had a very heartfelt and excellent conversation.

Dean glances at the note before he passes it over the back of the couch to him. “Here, read this.”

Castiel rolls his eyes, but does as asked. “Congratulations on officially hooking up. I’m staying at Jess’s tonight so you two can be all gross together.” Heat flushes his face, despite how he was right. “PS: Now that you’re boyfriends, don’t think you two can screw when I’m home. I still expect you jerks to be discreet.” Oh God, he hadn’t even considered about how Dean and Lisa used to be amorous while he and Sam were home. “I’d give that a capital D, but Dean would make it into a dirty joke.” Yes, yes he would. “Good night, guys!”

By the time he’s done reading, Dean is doubled over laughing against the back of the couch. Castiel glares at him before crumpling the note up and hiding it in his pocket. As much as he’s always wanted to tell Sam the truth and let him know about their relationship, he still feels like he’s being swallowed by embarrassment. Only Benny has ever known about their sexual activities, and that was only because he found out by accident. But there is something wholly different about this that he can’t quite put his finger on.

The longer Dean laughs, the more annoyed at this Castiel gets. He huffs and looks away as Dean loops an around around his waist and pulls him in. The first kiss lands on the corner of his mouth, but the second and third are spot on. It takes nearly a dozen before Castiel finally lets himself melt into Dean’s embrace, putting all thoughts of Sam and his embarrassment aside.

“So, is that what we are now, Cas?” Dean whispers the words against his mouth and Castiel can feel heat spread through his whole body and darken his face. Hands slide under his coat and spread wide across the small of his back. “Are we _bo-o-o-o-yfriends_ now?”

Yes, absolutely, but Castiel isn’t going to give him the satisfaction of that answer right away. If Dean is going to tease him, then he’s going to give back as good as he’s getting. That said, Castiel simply shrugs and leans into him. “Well, we’ve only had _one_ date.”

“Really?” Dean muses softly as he tucks his face against the side of his neck, breathing deep and humming softly. “Boz’ to me it kinda feels like we’ve been dating all year.”

Castiel breathes a quiet laugh and turns his face into Dean’s shoulder to hide his smile. It feels so good to know that Dean feels the same regarding that. “It has, hasn’t it?”

“Yeah, it has.” Dean drops a kiss below his ear before he straightens up. He steps back enough that Castiel has no choice but to do the same. As soon as their eyes meet, a soft smile flits across his lips. “I may not know how long I’ve actually only had eyes for you, but it’s been a long damn time. Too bad I was too blind to see it for most of that.”

“Benny said something to me about that once.” He tilts his head with a smile, amused by both the memory and the curiosity that spreads across Dean’s face at that statement. “He said that it’s a good thing you’re pretty, because sometimes you’re dumb as hell.” Castiel disagrees with that statement, but it’s cute the way Dean frowns. “I told him that you’re far from dumb. Of course, at the time I didn’t think you had feelings for me. Had I know, I would have said that you were just a little slower at getting to the same conclusion as everyone else.”

He means it purely in jest, but the pout that forms on Dean’s lips is too tempting. Castiel kisses him softly and brings his hands up to cup his face. “There was ample evidence that you cared for me a great deal more than any of your previous hookups. But even with my suspicions, I didn’t want to get my hopes up in case you ended up going out with someone else.”

Dean steps back with a grunt and Castiel immediately doubts his decision to tease him. Did he say too much? The frown creasing Dean’s forehead leads him to believe that there is nothing of amusement in what he said. They’ve only been officially dating for a few hours and somehow Castiel has already managed to mess things up.

The last thing he expects is for Dean to lift him over his shoulder. In a surprising feat of strength, Dean bends forward and presses his shoulder into Castiel’s stomach, forcing him to fold over his back. Whatever noise comes out of his mouth isn’t a normal one as he scrabbles at Dean’s back, grabbing fistfuls of his shirt to hold on to as his feet leave the floor. Dean’s arms are wrapped around his thighs, but Castiel’s heart is in his throat as the first staggering step is taken towards the bedroom.

“Dean!” Castiel thumps at his back with one hand, but does his best not to squirm. “Put me _down_!” If he gets dropped on his head, he is going to drop kick Dean across the room because this is _dangerous_ and if he gets hurt he’s going to be _so mad_.

All Dean can manage is a singular grunt between the apartment door and his bedroom. He’s breathing _far_ too hard once he flips Castiel onto the bed and he pauses with his hands on his knees for a few seconds. He would be insulted if he didn’t know that he would probably be in the same position. They’re both well built, but neither one of them happen to be weight lifters capable of carrying someone roughly the same weight of themselves for long distances.

Once he’s caught his breath, Dean starts to crawl on to the bed to rest on his hands and knees above him. “So, I’m slower at getting to the same conclusion, huh? Is that what you think?”

“I don’t see a problem.” Castiel rolls his eyes and shrugs, a smile already starting to tug at the corners of his mouth. “I’m the same, aren’t I? I thought you would never fully return my feelings and look how wrong I was about that.”

“Yeah?” Dean lowers himself until their noses brush together. He drops his voice into a husky murmur that chases shivers across Castiel’s skin. “What about all the stuff you did to keep all my attention on you, huh? You’re pretty damn sneaky there, Cas.”

He was aware that Dean knew about that, but being called out like this is just a little embarrassing. Castiel tries to hide his blush by looking down at his hands as he brings them up to straighten the lapels of Dean’s coat. They’re both still fully dressed and he’s lucky that he had taken his shoes off before Dean had decided to pick him up.

It takes him a few moments to admit one of his biggest flaws. “I – I don’t like to share.”

“I noticed.” Dean laughs and sits back on his heels. He shrugs his coat off his shoulders and throws it over the edge of the bed. “You figured if you kept me sexually satisfied that I wouldn’t go looking for it elsewhere, huh?”

Yes, that’s about the gist of it. There’s no point in trying to argue against it. He’s been caught out. Slowly, Castiel reaches up to run his hands over Dean’s shoulders as he leans down over him again. “Are you mad?”

The answer is accompanied with a deep kiss; Dean’s tongue sliding against his own as he begins to peel him out of his trench coat. “Do I _look_ mad to you, Cas?”

No, not really. The expression Dean has now is decidedly more lewd than that. If Castiel hadn’t already figured out what was going to happen tonight, he certainly knows now. He smiles slow and teasing. “You look like you want to fuck me.”

“I love it when you talk dirty.” Dean laughs and kisses him again, quick yet still enough to cause Castiel’s heart rate to spike just that little bit more.

He raises any eyebrow, both amused and just slightly confused. “But all I did was swear.”

“It _does_ things to me, man.”

“Fuck?” Why is Castiel only learning that Dean likes it when he swears _now_? He could have been swearing for him for _months_. Granted, he’s never been a potty mouth in any sense, but if that’s something that Dean enjoyed, he would absolutely do it for him.

Dean shakes with what is quite obviously a fake shiver and he waggles his eyebrows a few times in the most ridiculous fashion. “Ooo, Cas. _Again_.”

Though he tries not to, Castiel can’t help laughing. He’s still giggling even as he pulls Dean down into a kiss, flicking his tongue _exactly_ the way he likes it. When they first started their arrangement, he wasn’t at all confident in his kissing skills. It’s an entirely different matter now and Castiel takes pride in the way Dean _actually_ trembles against him now, and particularly in the way his eyes are glazed over by the time he kisses away until he reaches his ear.

“ _Fuck me_ , Dean.”

A groan rumbles through him and Dean kisses him again, passionate yet still sweet. It’s perfect and Castiel hums a pleased note into it. He curls his arms tight around Dean’s back until those delicious kisses start trailing downward. They leave his skin burning and tingling in their wake and he arches into the touches as Dean undresses him slowly but surely. The tenderness in every touch leaves him reeling, and everything feels so much more _potent_ than usual.

That feeling continues even when there roles are reversed and Dean is under him, subject to the glide of his fingers and the caress of his lips as he undresses him. Every rock of their bodies and sweep of their hands is filled with the love that Castiel never realized was always there. He always hoped that sex while in love would be good, but he never expected that his heart would feel so _full_ with every gentle touch.

His body feels overly sensitive as Dean slides down between his legs and works his mouth over his erection. Their fingers tangle together, pinning Castiel’s hands to the bed until he’s teetering on the edge. Somehow, he manages to make even the blowjob is slow and sweet. Has Dean ever been so tender with him before? His head is too clouded to think beyond drawing Dean back up for a kiss. Castiel chases the taste of himself on his tongue before rolling them, intent on giving back as good as he got.

Even afterwards when Dean is preparing him with warm fingers and cool lube, they still take their time. Castiel had expected things to be rushed, but passionate. While there’s no lack of the latter, the former is nowhere to be found. Dean stays connected to him through his kisses – on lips and throat – as he preps him and even as he rocks into him afterwards. The only break, though brief, is when they pull apart for him to lube up and enter him.

They move together easily; rhythm focuses less on pleasure and more on simply _being_ together. A soft grind that feels deliriously good. Dean usually prefers a harder pace than this, but this isn’t just sex now. This is _making love_ and it’s affecting him more than he thought it would. Maybe it’s because Dean worked him up so much; maybe it’s because Dean is looking at him with tender eyes like he _means_ something to him; or maybe it’s because they know each other’s feelings now. Whatever the cause, Castiel feels this so much _more_ than usual.

It’s no surprise that Castiel comes first, gasping into a kiss. Dean isn’t too far behind. All it takes in one slow kiss and he’s groaning as he pulls out, finishing with a few quick strokes across Castiel’s chest. He’s not even disappointed that Dean didn’t come in him – something they both usually enjoy. Everything is tingling and amazing. He never knew he could be _this_ content with life, and now all Castiel wants is for them to pull the blankets up high and cuddle into the night.

Apparently he’s not the only one thinking that, as Dean cleans him up quickly before tucking against his side. They tangle together, arms wound around each and legs hooked over and other one another. Dean’s breath is warm against his cheek as they get comfortable and Castiel is delighted. There’s only one thing that could possibly make this better.

“Is it – is it alright if I spent the rest of the night here?” Castiel asks with a smile, already knowing what the answer might be. But he’d like to get some manner of confirmation before he really gets settled.

Dean pulls back slightly, managing to look both surprised and insulted. “ _Dude_.”

Castiel bites back a laugh bubbling in his throat and tucks his face against the side of Dean’s throat. “I figured it would be prudent to check. Just because we’re –” The word catches on his tongue, unfamiliar but so precious. “– we’re _boyfriends_ now doesn’t mean –”

Before he can finish his sentence, Dean cuts him off with a sharp laugh. He draws him up for a kiss clearly meant as a distraction. It’s quick and tender, but completely dirty. It would have fit better _during_ sex than afterwards, but it really is all the answer that Castiel really needs. Mostly because he partially forgets what his question was in the first place by the end of it.

When Dean pulls back again, there’s a teasing grin stretched across his lips. “If you’re going to ask questions like that, then you should know that I’m already thinking about what we’re going to do with the space where your bed is _not_ going to be anymore. Plus we’ve gotta figure out where we can sell it.”

Wait. _Wait_. Castiel’s brain has flatlined too much from that kiss for him to truly understand what is going on here. Did Dean just say what he thinks he said? While he’s trying to process it, Dean presses another kiss to his cheek. “If you want.”

“You mean I would – _We_ would be sharing –” Castiel is having far too much trouble accepting that this is what he means. He lifts his head to glance around the bedroom, already starting to imagine where they would be able to fit his things. “This would be _our_ –”

“The offer is there, yeah.” Dean shrugs and pulls Castiel back down. He has a point. This isn’t the time for reorganzing. This is time for _cuddles_. “I mean – it would be fucing awesome. I’d rather have you here. With me. Y’know?”

Oh he most _definitely_ knows. Castiel had expected that he would likely be sharing Dean’s bed more often, but he hadn’t considered that they would essentially move into the same room together so _soon_. It’s leaving him a little bit speechless and all he can do at first is nod and tuck back up under Dean’s chin. His words are broken, but he manages to get them out. “That would be – Yes, please. I’d like that.”

“Good.” A soft laugh, both bubbly and happy, shakes through Dean’s chest. “We can talk about redecorating later. That’s when we can figure out how to put all our stuff together.”

“Oh?” Castiel lifts his head again and raises an eyebrow. “That sounds like you have plans for this current moment.” He has a sneaking suspicions that he knows what it is, but he wants to hear him say it.

Dean nods and his nose brushes against Castiel’s. “I do. I want to make out with my new _boyfriend_ until we fall asleep.”

His heart flutters almost painfully in the constraints of his ribs. It feels like it will pop out at any moment, or perhaps try and escape up his throat. Castiel swallows around it and closes the distance for another kiss. “That sounds like a good plan to me.”

Today has turned out better than he thought possible. Part of him wants to live in this moment forever, but he is still looking forward to tomorrow. Because tomorrow he gets to wake up next to Dean and repeat it all over again, and again, and _again_ for the foreseeable future. Castiel will hold onto this happy feeling for as long as he is able to, vowing that he’ll do his best to make Dean happy too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings:  
> \- Hella schmoop  
> \- bottom!Cas/top!Dean  
> \- anal fingering  
> \- anal sex  
> 


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place between and during [Chapter 32](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/7005740) and [Chapter 33](https://archiveofourown.org/works/1750058/chapters/7103393) of the _A Little Patience_ story line.

At no point did Castiel ever think that he would have trouble accepting that he can actually _touch_ Dean in public. It’s completely acceptable for him to reach out and take his hand, or lean in to rest his head on his shoulder, or even kiss him in front of anyone – including Sam. These are all okay for him to do now, and in fact are mostly encouraged, and yet he has _far_ too much trouble with just _doing_ it. Castiel never realized just how ingrained it was in him to be sneaky about it or to simply keep his hands to himself. He was just too accustomed to having to _hide_ it.

Regardless, he truly has never been happier than he is at the moment. Castiel has been riding a high for _days_ now, even before Dean took it upon himself to remind him of what he is and is not allowed to do. It’s not that he ever really forgot that, but it was just that he sometimes reverted to holding back like he used to. Even after being reminded, there are still a few instances of hesitation when he reaches for Dean’s hand or leans in to kiss him in front of Sam.

None of that hesitation is present tonight as he purposely puts a hand on Dean’s leg. Perhaps this is not the most appropriate moment, as they sit opposite of Sam at the dinner table, but it is in an entirely innocent manner. Dean even flashes him a smile and slings an arm across the back of his chair. He slides his fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, teasing it and reminding him that Castiel is coming due for a haircut.

Sam pays them no mind as he folds his hands together on the table in front of him. He clears his throat and looks between the both of them. “I hereby call this meeting of the apartment to order.”

Dean coughs a laugh and places his other hand over Castiel’s on his leg. “Who died and made you king of the apartment, huh?”

He gets pointedly annoyed as Sam leans forward, putting his weight on his arms. “This meeting has been called to discuss what to do with the space we’ll free up when Cas’s old bed is gone. Now is when you can bring your suggestions to the floor.”

Castiel raises his free hand and waits until he has their attention. “I believe the Council of the apartment will be happy to hear that the Craigslist ad has been answered. Someone is willing to buy it for the listed price and will be by this weekend to pick it up and pay for it.”

“That’s awesome, Cas!” Dean twists to high five his raised hand before dropping it back to his lap.

It has been more than a week since Castiel’s bed was last used. He doesn’t count that one accidental sleep he had when he came home exhausted from a double shift, if only because Dean joined him in it rather than sleep alone in his own bed. As such, they made the executive decision to list it online. Castiel hadn’t expected much interest, given that a bed is something private and who would trust a _used_ bed? He was proved wrong, as there were ample inquiries about the condition of the mattress or the quality of the bed, but only one person offered the original requested amount.

This is good news and even Sam leans forward to highfive him. “Great! That takes care of that.” He sits back into his business position. “Now what are we going to do with the space when the bed is gone?”

It’s a good question and Castiel already has an answer to that. He holds his tongue, waiting to see if either Sam or Dean have any suggestions of their own. When nothing seems forthcoming, he clears his throat again. “I have an idea.”

Dean ruffles the hair at the back of his head a little bit. “Go ahead, Cas.”

“The living room has always been a little cramped since I moved in, especially near the door.” He gestures at the doorway behind Sam where they can see how the back of the couch is in line with the door frame. “What if we just turned everything?”

“Turned it how?” Sam twists in his seat and leans back to get a better look at the living room.

Castiel shrugs and resorts to gesturing to get his point across. “We put the TV against the same wall as the front door and move the couch until its back is lined up with the balcony doors. We could move the Christmas tree to where my bed is once its gone, and after Christmas we can do whatever we want with that space.”

They share a look before nodding in agreement. Dean drops his hand to give his shoulders a squeeze. “Yeah, I like that idea.”

“It’s just about the only thing I think we _can_ do, I guess.” Sam turns back around with a shrug. “Are we all in agreement, then?” He waits until both Castiel and Dean have nodded before he raps his knuckles against the table top. “Then I hereby call this meeting of the apartment to an end.”

With a laugh, Dean rolls his eyes and stands up. Castiel follows and they help Sam push the table back into place in the corner of the kitchen. Dean looks it over with his hands on his hips and frowns. “Hey, why don’t we put this in the bed space after Christmas? Hell, we could even do it _before_ that. It should fit in with the tree in the corner.”

That _is_ a possibility, but before Castiel can suggest they try it when the bed is gone, Sam shakes his head. “Why don’t we try that _after_ Christmas. We don’t know if we’ll have enough room until all the other stuff is out of the way.”

Dean opens his mouth to further argue his suggestion, or maybe to simply agree, but Sam is already walking away. He snaps his jaw shut with a huff and turns to Castiel. His whole arm jerks with a sharp gesture at where Sam had been standing only moments before. All Castiel can do is shrug and pat him on the shoulder. They’ll try moving the table on their own when Sam isn’t home.

*

When the prospective buyers arrive to pick up the bed, Castiel and Sam are the only two home. Dean had already spent the evening before pulling the bed apart and bagging all the screws and nails needed to put it back together again. Castiel made sure that it was securely taped to the inside of one of the drawers so it wouldn’t be forgotten. Thankfully, the ones buying the bed are two rather buff looking men with a moving van. It means that Sam and Castiel don’t have to do all (or most) of the carrying on their own. They actually don’t _need_ to help at all, once they get the money for the bed, but they help anyways because they can.

It’s the first sale Castiel has made through Craigslist and thus far it was a positive experience. Dean spent an hour regaling him with the horrors that some people have experienced through the website. He was very doubtful about using it, but Dean insisted that those kinds of incidents were few and far between. Castiel isn’t exactly sure if he’ll ever use the site again, but it would be interesting to see what it would be like to _buy_ something on it.

He intends to ask Sam about what kind of things they might need that they could buy on Craigslist as they walk back up to the apartment, but they haven’t even reached the stairwell before Sam has his cell phone out and to his ear.

“Hey Jess.” He gestures for Castiel to go up the stairs first and follows at a slower pace. “Perfect timing. It was just picked up… Can you borrow your parents’ car tomorrow for – Oh, awesome! Swing by and get me first, okay?... Great! See you tomorrow.”

The call is over by the time they reach their floor. It was short and sweet and Castiel has many a question to ask, but refrains. If Sam wants to tell him, he will. Besides, that would just be a distraction from all that they have to do before Sam has to work in a few hours. Now that the bed is out of the way, they can officially move all the furniture. Castiel made the suggestion to him earlier as a nice surprise for Dean. He may or may not have already complained about having to move furniture when he gets home from work and it’s in everyone’s interest to do it before then, lest they be subjected to further whining.

It takes them almost an hour to move everything into the new layout. Castiel delays everything if only to vacuum first. The hardest thing to do is move the Christmas tree because first they had to take off the truly fragile ornaments. Those are the ones that hold some form of significance to Dean and Sam and they would rather just not put them at risk. Once everything is in place in the new layout, Castiel vacuums again. He also takes the time to dust everything too.

After they’re finished making sure Dean has nothing to complain about when he gets home, they both drift off to do their own things. Sam wants to relax a little bit before he has to go to work and Castiel wants to get some studying in. He’s created himself a study plan for the winter holidays where he’ll do a little bit every day. It’s just to make sure that he doesn’t forget anything over the break. The chances of that are slim to none to start with, but he wants to excel in his photography courses just as he would have if he had continued into the medical program.

His studying schedule is written on a whiteboard calendar propped up against the back of Dean’s desk – well, _their_ desk. They’ve been sharing the desk since it became _their_ bedroom. Castiel likes having a desk he can use behind closed doors rather than the kitchen table as he’s been doing since he moved in. A shared space like the kitchen is sometimes not the best place to study. Sam and Dean did do their best not to disturb him, but sometimes there was nothing they could do about it.

The desk is exactly where Castiel is when Dean comes home from work. He sits back from his textbook and stretches his arms above his head at the sound of the front door closing. After a brief moment, Dean’s voice carries through the apartment. “Hey, you guys changed everything! It looks awesome!”

Castiel’s spine pops pleasingly as he stands up. He crosses the room to lean against the door frame and watch as Dean hangs up his coat. “Thank you. I’m happy the layout turned out well.”

Dean puts his shoes in the closet too before crossing the room to hook an arm around Castiel’s waist. He pulls him in for a quick kiss. “Good job, babe.”

Oh no, not again. While the kiss is enjoyable, Castiel can’t help wrinkling his nose at that name as he puts his arms around his waist. With a huff, Dean leans into him. “So you don’t like that pet name either?” He sounds more disappointed than he does annoyed.

“You’ve already given me a pet name.” Castiel shrugs and kisses Dean gently. “And I like that one much better than when you refer to me as an infant.”

He rolls his eyes, but tightens his hug. “Babe has _other_ meanings too, y’know. Whatev – Wait. What pet name did I already give you?”

“You were the first to call me Cas.” And it is a _far_ better nickname than what Gabriel has been calling him since birth. Castiel _hates_ being called _Cassie_. He full accepts the variety of French terms of affection that his mother uses for him, but those are entirely different. _Those_ were never used to tease him when he was a child.

Dean laughs and rubs their stubbled cheeks together. “Yeah, I guess it’s good enough.”

Castiel sighs and squeezes him around his middle. “If you _must_ use something else, then I liked it when you call me sunshine or huggybear. Both of those are acceptable terms.”

“Yeah, who knew how much _that_ would suit you?” To prove his point, Dean hugs him tightly and Castiel returns the gesture.

Unlike Dean, however, he leans back to practically lift him from his feet. “I will readily admit that hugs are absolutely _excellent_.”

That draws yet another laugh out of him and Castiel is rewarded with a kiss. It carries on for a little longer than it should before Dean steps back. “Okay, okay. If I don’t go shower now, I never will.”

In all honesty, that’s something Castiel doesn’t want to delay any longer. He gives an exaggerated sniff before taking a few steps back into the bedroom. “Yes, now that you mention it, you do stink a bit.”

“How _dare_ you!” Dean lays a hand over his heart and adopts the most affronted expression known to mankind. “I see how it is. I guess I _won’t_ be inviting you to join me in the bathroom, then.”

As if on cue, or more likely he was simply waiting for an appropriate time to interrupt, Sam pokes his head out of his bedroom. “You know the rules, Dean. No doubling up on the shower when I’m home.” He points between the two of them. “We only have _one_ bathroom and you guys already take long enough showers when you’re on your own.”

“Spoilsport.” Dean sticks his tongue out at him.

Castiel rolls his eyes and starts back towards the desk. “I’m going to get back to studying. I’m almost done for the day.”

“Awesome. We can eat after I’m done showering.” He follows him into the bedroom, if only to start stripping his clothes off from the hamper. “If you have any requests, you better give them to me now.”

Sam groans loudly from down the hall. “Aw, c’mon! I’ve gotta leave for work in an hour. There’s no way you’ll have a steak ready in time.”

“Nobody said anything about _steak_.” Dean snorts and shakes his head as he drags his towel off a hook on the closet door. “Unless you’re going to cook something yourself Sammy, you’re gonna be shit out of luck here. I think we’ve got some leftover lasagna in the fridge.”

“Yeah, we do.” He sighs and Castiel can hear him shuffle into the kitchen. “I _guess_ that will do. But you’d better save me some of whatever it is you guys make for supper. I’ll just eat it when I get home later.”

But that still begs the question, what should they have for supper? Castiel mentally runs through the many ingredients they have in the kitchen. There’s a container of ground beef in the fridge that should be used up now that it’s defrosted. Oh!

“I like the idea of having something hearty for dinner.” He spins his chair around just as Dean finishes tying his towel around his waist. “What about meatloaf and mashed potatoes with gravy? I can make a side salad to go along with it. I believe we have the ingredients for everything.”

“Mm! My mouth is watering already.” Dean slides over to drop a kiss to his cheek before he heads for the bathroom. “Go ahead and finishing studying and I’ll take care of all of that when I’m done.” He pauses at the doorway and shrugs. “If you finish before me, you could get started on peeling the potatoes. If you want to. Be careful of your fingers with the knife!”

Castiel makes a shoo-ing motion with one hand. “Yes, yes, I know.”

He turns back to his textbook as Sam starts keying in the reheating time on the microwave. It’s probably a little weird that those little beeps and the sound of the bathroom door closing actually make him _happy_. Now that there are no secrets and they’re open about their relationship, he couldn’t be happier. Their little family is doing _so well_.

The only stain on his happiness is the nagging little voice in the back of his mind that won’t stop reminding him that he hasn’t told his parents about this yet. It doesn’t feel right that he hasn’t shared this happiness with his own _parents_ , but it’s incredibly hard to do so. His parents are both very religious, and his father is already _extremely_ mad at him for everything that happened the last time they saw each other. Castiel does hope to reconcile with him one day, but admitting that he is officially in a homosexual relationship will make that a little difficult. Though his father should expect it, given that he did confess to already liking Dean back them.

But that isn’t nearly as scary as the possibility that he might lose his mother over all of this too. As far as he can tell, Father hasn’t mentioned what was said about his feelings for Dean. She’s still in the dark about _that_ particular aspect and Castiel is in no big rush to change that. They’ve never really discussed jomosexual relationships before, so he doesn’t really know how she might react. She’s disappointed he didn’t pursue medicine, but she’s happy that he’s enjoying himself. But dating a _man_? That might be the final straw needed to disown him entirely.

And that’s a worry he just can’t shake.

*

Sometimes it’s just so nice to lay down after a hard day’s work and just _relax_ for a few minutes. Castiel had the opening shift at the café this morning and he studied for a little while when he got home. Now that he’s done and showered, he’s taking his chance to catch a bit of a peaceful moment. The couch might not be long enough for him to stretch out fully, but he’s rather enjoying being curled on his side with a pillow hugged to his chest.

It feels like Castiel has only just closed his eyes when he hears the key turn in the door. Someone is just getting home, but he feels too comfortable and relaxed to move just yet. Even his mind is floating, caught in the inbetween of waking and napping. They really need to market this peaceful feeling. Not much can really compare to it.

“Whoa!” Ah, it’s Dean. “Where did that come from?”

With a hum, Castiel forces himself to open one eye. Dean is standing in door, staring at the far side of the rom. What could be – Oh! That’s right. “Sam and Jess brought it today.” There’s a new bookcase standing next to the Christmas tree. He suspects that the mystery call Sam had with Jess after the bed was picked up yesterday must have been about that. “They said it was for you to put your less important stuff on so we have more space to share the one in our room.”

“Aw, that’s so sweet of them.” Dean kicks off his shoes and hangs up his coat before crossing the room. “I’m going to have to bake them a pie or some shit as thanks.”

Castiel shrugs and shifts the pillow up higher to press his chin into it. “Jess’s parents were getting rid of it, or something like that.” There were more details, but he missed them with his desperate need to use the bathroom by the time he got home.

“Well, they’re still awesome.” Dean’s footsteps carry him to Castiel’s side of the couch. He tilts his face up for a welcome home kiss before settling into the couch again. “I’ll move my books over later tonight. You relax right now while I go shower.”

All Castiel can manage is a happy hum as he squeezes the pillow. He’s more than happy to do that again. In the end, the power of his nap wins over and takes him away with the distant sound of the shower running. Castiel isn’t sure how long he’s been sleeping, but the scent of supper wakes him. He sits up and rubs at his eyes; muffling a yawn under one hand while he looks around. Sam is standing in the kitchen with his back to the living room, and otherwise Dean is not in sight.

When Castiel twists enough to look over the back of the couch, he’s a little surprised to find that the bookcase is now covered in items. He must have been _very_ tired to nap through everyone filling up the bookcase and making dinner. Of the five shelves on the bookcase, which stands taller than Sam, the bottom two are now almost completely full of Dean’s favourite books. But it’s the other shelves that catches his attention.

On the very top of the bookcase is a kitschy looking angel statue that seems rather out of place, considering what Castiel knows of Dean’s religious views His gaze trails from the angel to the various pictures and knick-knacks that now take up the other three shelves. Some of the pictures are completely new to him, but others are ones he never expected to see in frames. Despite all the pictures he’s taken, it always surprises him to see one of them printed and on display. More so considering that he’s only shared _those_ pictures with his professors and the people actually in them.

“Do you like them?” Sam’s voice is muffled from his right and Castiel turns to find him standing in the entry to the kitchen with a plate in hand and strands of spaghetti hanging from the corner of his mouth. He grins and gestures at the bookcase. “Jess had them made up for us. She forgot them in the car and I brought them back with me.”

Castiel looks back to the pictures and marvels at how something _he took_ is on display. It’s a feeling that leaves him just a little light headed. Despite being in a photography course and having a show coming up in the following months, he’s having a little trouble wrapping his head around this. His heart probably shouldn’t feel so _full_ right now, but it does and he absolutely needs to tell Jess how much he appreciates this. Castiel grabs his cell phone from the table and types out a thank you message to her.

Sam must know what he’s doing, because he laughs and pats him on the shoulder before heading off to his bedroom with his supper. Castiel smiles after him before sending another text message. This one he sends to Gabriel with a short request to bring some of the pictures that he has in the boxes still stored at his place to work on their next shift. Once that is fired off, he stands up with a stretch and shuffles over to take a closer look over of the bookcase. An almost _giddy_ sense of pride spreads through his chest as he looks over the pictures.

He peeks into the bedroom to see if Dean might be in there. Sure enough, he’s sitting on the bed with his laptop in his lap and his headphones on. Judging by the look of concentration and the pillows stacked at his side to support his mouse, he must be playing one of his video games. To Castiel’s surprise, he actually looks up almost immediately.

“Oh, hey. You’re awake now.” Dean pulls his headphones off and closes his laptop. “I was gonna wake you after I finished these emails for Charlie.” He gestures at his laptop after putting it aside. “She’s _really_ serious when it comes to Dungeons and Dragons. You wanna eat?”

Castiel should have known. Dean rarely plays video games in bed unless the desk is already in use. It’s also very sweet that he waited to eat with him. Castiel pulls him in to a hug when he gets close enough for it. An amused laugh huffs against his ear as Dean presses a kiss just below it. They lean into each other for a few moments and Castiel can’t help but close his eyes and savour the moment; savour the fact that pictures the took of them together has made it onto the same shelf as pictures of Dean and Sam with their parents. It makes him feel like he’s part of the family, and he will never be able to express just how _loved_ that makes him feel.

*

Yesterday was an absolutely _insane_ day at the café with nightmare messes, near constant customers, and selling out of the display case. Immediately following his shift at work, Dean picked him up and they spent half the evening shopping. They still had to make supper when they got home and put away their purchases while swearing to each other not to try peeking before anything can be wrapped. It was a long day, but it had a few silver linings.

For instance, he got to spend the rest of their evening after dinner with Dean on the couch. They paid more attention to each other’s mouths than they did the movie they were pretending to watch. It didn’t lead up to anything, but Castiel really did enjoy spending all that time out and about with Dean. And, on top of all that, Gabriel remembered to actually bring his requested picture to work yesterday – along with a bag of other items that he’s spent the morning putting away. He was so distracted with everything else that he forgot to take the picture out when they got home.

Now that today has started so much slower and they’ve both had the chance to relax, Castiel can now ask an important question. He has his framed picture in hand and he stares at it as he heads into the living room. It’s just a simple picture of his little family from back when he was younger. He doesn’t look particularly happy with his father’s hand on his shoulder. Even so, they’re his _family_ and he loves them – even his father – in one way or another. They should be on the same shelf as the rest of his family too.

Dean is stretched out on the couch with a book from the library in hand. He’s been there for the last hour and he seems pretty into it. Castiel hates to interrupt, but he wants to make sure that he’s _allowed_ to add a picture to the shelf. As far as he knows, it could just be for things for Dean or Sam. He doubts that, but it doesn’t hurt to check. Except that it appears that Dean is actually _really_ into his book because he doesn’t seem to notice at all when Castiel steps in front of him.

It’s not _that_ long of a wait before Dean lowers the book and blinks up at him; honest surprise on his face. Castiel shifts slightly and idly traces the edge of the frame with his fingers. “Dean. Would it be alright if I added this to the shelf of family photos?”

One eyebrow twitches up as Dean puts his book over the armrest. He holds his hands out for the photo and Castiel hands it over without a word. After a moment of looking it over, he stands up and smiles. “Yeah, Cas. Of course you can put it up.”

He takes Castiel by the hand and leads him around the couch to the bookcase. It takes a little bit of shuffling to make some room, but Dean adds it right between a picture of the Winchester brothers with their parents, and the one where he’s sitting on the bench in the park with Sam and Jess. Dean steps back and puts his hands on his hips. “How about right here?”

“I like it.” Castiel slips an arm around Dean’s waist and leans into his side. An arm wraps around him too and he rests his head on Dean’s shoulder. “Thank you.”

A hum answers him before the arm around his shoulders pulls tight. “Have you told them yet?”

His immediate reaction is to wince, but Castiel somehow manages to keep himself from doing that. He knows exactly what Dean is talking about, but this is still a topic he’s not entirely sure that he _wants_ to tell them. There’s the possibility of losing his mother, and his father – well, he doesn’t _deserve_ to know. This is news that makes Castiel _happy_. His father simply doesn’t care enough about his happiness for him to want to share this wonderful thing.

Maybe – though the chance is slim – but _maybe_ Dean is referring to something else? Castiel clears his throat softly as he seeks for just a little bit of confirmation. “About us?”

Dean tilts his head to rest against Castiel’s. “You don’t have to, y’know. I mean, I know living here and switching majors is kind of what messed everything up between you guys. Knowing about us probably won’t help things much with them, huh?”

If anything, it might destroy his relationship with his father entirely. Though he wants to reconcile eventually, he just gets angry every time he thinks about what was said when they last saw each other. It infuriates him all over again whenever he recalls what was said about his friends – and about _Dean_ in particular. Remembering that argument only serves to sour his mood, no matter the day.

“I was –” He sighs and turns a glare on the picture of his father. “I was very unhappy when he called you a grease monkey.” To use the term teasingly would have been alright, but it was used as an _insult_ and he will not stand for anyone to insult those he holds dear.

“I remember.” Dean murmurs softly as he pulls him closer.

He presses a kiss to Castiel’s shoulder and, on any other occasion, he would be exceptionally happy about that. But now that the topic has been brought up, he feels – it feels _wrong_ that he hasn’t told Dean the whole truth about the argument with his father. Now that he doesn’t have to hide his feelings, he has no reason to keep that information from Dean. It would at least explain why his father dislikes the both of them more than usual. And it would explain why he hasn’t told his parents quite yet.

“When I was yelling at Father for saying that – for talking like you’re _less_ of a person because of the job you have –” Castiel begins while maintaining his steely glare with the image of his father. “I was so angry with him.” He takes a deep breath and slowly relaxes into Dean’s arms. “I told him that I didn’t want to be a doctor, among other things – including how I feel about you.”

As expected, the news is a bit of a surprise and Dean pulls back sharply to stare at him. “You _did_?”

“I’m sorry that I wasn’t truthful with telling you about everything that happened during my fight with him.” He looks away from the picture to meet Dean’s eyes, his guilt over this clearing up the longer he speaks. “That was just something I couldn’t tell you at the time.”

Dean nods slowly, understanding in every line of his expression. “So, he didn’t like that you like the grease monkey, huh?”

Even hearing Dean refer to himself as such draws a frown to cross Castiel’s lips. “Father was particularly adamant that I move out after I told him how I feel about you. And, of course, I told him that he could take his superiority complex and shove it.” Maybe not in those exact words, but the sentiment was very much expressed and it’s a moment he’s rather proud of.

He did not expect a good reaction to his confession, and he isn’t at all surprised when Dean tries to take a step back. Castiel’s arm is still firmly curled around his waist and he turns into him to wrap the other too, locking him in place. Dean drops his gaze and won’t look him in the eye. That’s a little than what he thought would happen, and he braces himself for having a good _talk_ about how his father’s opinion doesn’t affect his own in any way, shape, or form. It looks like he’s going to have to remind Dean that _he_ chose _him_ and no one else has any effect on it.

“Dean.” Castiel says his name softly, hoping to get his attention. He doesn’t like the somber expression creasing the lines of his face. “ _Dean_.” With his hands cupping his cheeks, Castiel gently forces him to turn his head and actually _look_ at him. “What’s wrong?”

“I just –” With a shrug, he drops his gaze again and pulls Castiel’s hands down to hold between them.”You’re never going to tell them, are you? It doesn’t matter if you don’t, I just –” The lines between his eyebrows deepen with his frown, somehow managing to look both confused and upset all at the same time.

Castiel had feared that this would be a problem. The only person who can’t see how amazing Dean is, is Dean himself. He’s about to fall into a disparaging downward spiral if Castiel doesn’t quickly do something about this.

“We’ve only been together for a few weeks, Dean.” He narrows his eyes and watches him closely. “I haven’t exactly spoken to either of my parents in that time period.” Would Dean be smiling right now if he _had_ told his parents already?

Rather than continue the conversation and actually say what’s bothering him, Dean breaks out of his grip with a big step back. He’s going to try and _run_ from this, and Castiel is not going to allow that to happen. If the fact that he hasn’t told his parents is something that bothers Dean, then he wants to hear it. There will be no more secrets in their relationship. They had enough of that over the course of this year to las them a lifetime.

Before Dean can get too far, Castiel crowds him up against the wall and all but pinning him into place. “You said communication was important when we merely had a sexual arrangement. And you said that didn’t change with the romantic parameters of our relationship.” He drops his voice into a whisper riddled with warning tones to show that he’s serious. “Or did I hear you incorrectly when you said that?”

It’s a little bit satisfying to see how Dean’s eyes go wide. He shakes his head slightly, but doesn’t offer any manner of an answer as to what’s bothering him. Try as he might to hide it, Castiel _can_ tell that something isn’t right. And he knows that it has something to do with his parents. It’s not knowing the _details_ that are bothering him. Well, that and the fact that Dean is keeping something like this to himself and that’s not the kind of relationship that Castiel wants them to have.

“What’s wrong, Dean?” He softens his tone and touches his shoulder gently. “Tell me?”

A defeated sigh is the sign of his success as Dean glances away. “Your dad hates me.”

Hate might be too strong of a word, but that’s not exactly _new_ information. Castiel rolls his eyes and takes a step back. “Yes, well, he’s not overly fond of me at the moment either. In case you failed to notice that.” It _has_ been one of the very few negative aspects of his life over the last few weeks.

Dean makes a rough, unhappy noise and shakes his head. “Yeah, but he – he doesn’t _hate_ you. You’re his kid and he’s just trying to look out for you in the shittiest way possible.” He accompanies his point with a useless hand gesture. “But why do you think he hates me?”

“Because he doesn’t _know you_.” Castiel shrugs and crosses his arms. “He doesn’t know anything about you or what an amazing person you are.” If his father wasn’t a massive bigot, he would be able to see that Dean is very kind, often extremely sweet, and _beyond_ caring. He has his flaws, as does anyone, but he is not defined by his job or how much money he has in the bank.

A blush stains Dean’s cheeks and he ducks his head. “I’m not amazing, Cas.”

“I beg to differ.” This is not a topic that anyone should want to try and debate with him. Castiel will tear down _any_ argument against why Dean is one of the best people he knows. “I wouldn’t be dating you if I didn’t think the world of you.”

It’s a bit sappy, but it’s the truth. Usually that would make Dean blush and smile, but instead he shakes his head and moves to push Castiel away. He does take a step back, but refuses to go any further than that. Castiel presses his palms to the wall and leans forward again. There’s more to this than what is being said. It’s been _months_ since the fight with his father. Dean must have known since then that he’s likely not his father’s favourite person. So what in the world could possibly be the reason for this current downturn in his mood?

“ _Talk to me_.” Castiel is not going to let this go and and he tilts his head to catch Dean’s eyes again. “Do you not like the fact that my father knows about my feelings for you? Or do you _want_ me to tell my parents? I’ll call them right now if that is what will solve things.”

“It’s not _that_ , Cas.” Dean closes his eyes and tilts his head back against the wall.

His heavy sigh is irksome and it’s all Castiel can do not to match it with an annoyed one of his own. “Then what is it? You had no problem with my father not liking me being here before. Why has that changed now that we’re together?”

Dean shakes his head again. “It’s not that either.”

“Then _tell_ me.” Is he going to have to beg? Because Castiel is not above begging if it will resolve whatever problem is upsetting Dean right now. “What’s wrong?” He moves his hands to Dean’s shoulders again and makes yet another attempt to catch his eyes. “Please? I don’t understand what’s wrong right now. Why won’t you talk to me?”

His shoulders rise and fall under his hands. “Just think about it, Cas.”

“Think about _what_?” This is getting ridiculous and he squints at Dean unhappily. “How am I supposed to think about what’s upsetting you when I don’t _know_ what that something is?” Obviously it’s something to do with his father, but why is he getting upset _now_ instead of earlier?

“I’m not upset. _You’re_ more upset than me.” Dean shakes his head and drops his chin to his chest so he can stare at the floor. “I just know the same shit your dad does.

If he thought it was ridiculous before, he has no idea what to call this. “What does my father have to do with this? He doesn’t know anything about you, or me, or _us_.” He should have absolutely no bearing on anything in their relationship.

“Well, apparently he knows more than you do.” Dean mutters quietly, more to himself than Castiel. “He knows that I’m just a damn _grease monkey_ and you’re – you’re gonna be some big shot photographer and you –”

He closes his mouth with an audible clack of his teeth. At first Castiel thinks it’s because of him and the pure _fury_ that must be radiating from him. Dean doesn’t have to finish his sentence for him to understand what he’s talking about. His assumptions had _better_ be wrong, or otherwise the only person who’ll be able to save him from Castiel’s wrath is God.

Before he can tear down Dean’s argument, he realizes exactly why Dean stopped talking. They both turn to look down the road where Sam has stopped in the middle of hallway. His hand is outstretched for the door knob to the bathroom and he’s staring at the both of them with wide eyes and an open mouth.

After a few moments of silence, Sam clears his throat. “Am I – uh – interrupting something?”

“No, Sammy, it’s fine.” Dean ducks out from under Castiel’s hands and throws a hollow smile up. “You hungry? I can make lunch before I go to work.”

Oh, no. _No_. This argument is _not_ done. Castiel grabs him by the arm, stopping Dean dead in his tracks. “ _Actually_ , you did interrupt. Don’t worry, we’ll continue this in private.”

Without further ado, Castiel ducks into the bedroom while dragging Dean behind him. He uses their momentum to switch positions and push Dean further into the room so he can shut the door behind them. If Sam wants to listen in, he can do it with his ear to the door like any other brother would. But that is neither here nor there. Castiel has some very _stern_ words for Dean and he will say them no matter who may or may not be listening in.

“There are very few things in this world that make me _angry_ , Dean.” Whether he intends it to or not, Castiel’s voice is low and menacing as he follows Dean across the room. “But _nothing_ makes me angrier than hearing someone insult the people I care most about.” Even if the one doing the insulting is that very same person.

Dean stumbles back towards the bed, his face flushed and his eyes wide. He looks somewhat terrified, and rightly he should be. Castiel is absolutely _livid_ with him for even _daring_ to suggest the very same things that his father tried to insinuate.

“Do you know what the last straw was with my father, Dean?” He continues to advance, even as Dean reaches the edge of the bed. “It was when he called you _just_ a mechanic. He called you a _grease monkey_ as if it were an _insult_.” Castiel’s face grows hot and his hands start shaking as he remembers the sneer in his father’s voice. “ _That_ is what made me yell at him. _That_ was what had me tell him I was done with letting my parents – letting _him_ – continue to control my life.”

Rather than hold his ground, Dean drops to sit on the edge of the bed. He doesn’t look away this time though; staring up at Castiel as if he’s enraptured by the anger that feels like it’s vibrating from his very pores. Good.

“I wouldn’t tolerate my _father_ speaking ill of you and I won’t allow you to do the same.” Castiel crosses his arms and focuses his glare entirely upon Dean. “I won’t stand for you to think for one minute that you are anything less than the – the –” He scrambles to find a word that sums up what he thinks of Dean in his entirety. “The _wonderful_ person that you are. Understand?” It doesn’t do quite as much justice as he would have liked, but it will have to do.

That certainly seems to have stumped him. Dean opens his mouth, but no words actually come out. Though he doesn’t say anything, he _looks_ like he’s going to try and argue, and that is just not acceptable. Castiel will _not_ stand here and listen to anyone try to convince him of anything other than what he knows. He knows that Dean was a teenager once and was a little wild once upon a time. But he’s not like that _now_ and what matters most is who he has become, not who he used to be.

“Don’t you _dare_ say another bad thing about yourself.” Castiel hisses and pushes Dean down onto the bed. “I know you’re thinking it and I don’t want to hear it.” He crawls onto the bed after him, sitting over Dean’s hips and leaning over to pin him in place. “I want you to lay here and _listen_.”

Without waiting for a response, Castiel starts counting on his fingers all the things that make Dean amazing. “You lost your parents in a horrible accident and the easiest thing for you to do would have been to let Sam in into the care of another relative or the foster system. You took the hardest road possible and put your whole life on hold to keep what was left of your family together.” He can’t even imagine what it must have been like for them at that time and he is _so_ proud of Dean for the choices he made. “You were _seventeen_ years old and you were working two jobs – one full time, might I add – to prove that you had what it takes to provide for yourself and your brother.”

Slowly, Dean closes his mouth. He swallows audibly as Castiel leans over him until they’re nearly nose to nose. “You have fought tooth and nail to keep Sam safe and gives him an education. Whether you believe it or not, you _are_ amazing. I know very few people who would have been able to grow up and become an adult at seventeen the way that you did.”

In fact, Castiel doesn’t know a single person who would have done that. He’s fairly certain that if he and Gabriel were ever in Dean and Sam’s situation, then Castiel would have ended up in foster care or with one of their aunts. Despite doing well now, Gabriel was most assuredly _not_ mature enough at seventeen to have been able to drop everything to focus on taking care of Castiel. Granted, he would also have been much younger than Sam was at that time.

A soft ache pulses behind his ribs just thinking about how stressed Dean must have been when dealing with the death of his parents and struggling to make ends meet for the both of them. The fact that Dean can’t see how amazing he is physically pains Castiel. If only there was something he could do beyond words so Dean could see himself through his eyes.

The anger seeps out of him and he cups Dean’s face between his hands; leaning in to pepper his face with soft kisses, the first to his lips. “Amazing.” And then the corner of his mouth. “I don’t care what my father says about you.” His cheek. “He doesn’t know you.” His forehead. “He doesn’t know how much I was struggling with being in a public school for the first time.” One eye-lid. “He doesn’t know that I had no friends before you talked to me.” And then the other.

It’s time to make a confession and Castiel pauses with their foreheads together. He takes a shaky breath to ground himself as he gathers the courage needed for this. “I – I started public school in the second half of my junior year and was virtually friendless right into my senior year.” It was better than boarding school, but he wasn’t having the best of times. “That’s when you started talking to me. At that point, everyone that I was the odd nerd who came from a private school – too _posh_ to hang out with anyone.” Which, in hindsight, was better than people wanting to hang out with him just because his parents have money. At least he never had to suffer through _those_ kind of fake friendships

In the middle of his confession, Dean lifts his arms to slide them around Castiel’s shoulders. It bolsters him to continue; to tell him the secrets that he’s never told anyone before. “My father doesn’t know that if it wasn’t for you, Sam and Jess might never have talked to me.” And that loneliness was getting almost too much to bear. “He doesn’t know that I might have gone back to complete my senior year at a private school if you hadn’t become friends with me, even if it was only through text message and when we saw each other at the cafe.”

Castiel tilts his chin up to press another lingering kiss to his lips. That little note – that nine digit phone number tucked into his book – changed _everything_. “He doesn’t know that _you’re_ the reason for the wings on my back.”

Dean shoves him back in surprise, his mouth already working. It takes a few moments for his words to catch up, and even then they’re a little out of order. “I’m – the tattoos – you – _what_?”

“I told you, didn’t I?” Castiel can’t help smiling to himself as he sits back. Since they’re on the topic of his tattoos, they might as well join the party. The moment his sweatshirt is over his head, Dean’s hands are sliding up his arms to trace the edges of the feathers down to his elbows. “I got these when I graduated because of a friend who helped me find myself.”

“How – How did I – I didn’t –”

He still can’t articulate anything and Castiel is rather proud of himself for it. There’s nothing quite like completely stumping someone. It’s such a nice feeling, though it can’t compare to the feel of Dean’s hands moving across his back. Castiel drops another short kiss to Dean’s lips before he rises up onto his elbows. If he stays too close, he won’t be able to stop kissing him – even if he _is_ still mad at him for even daring to think ridiculous self-deprecating things.

“If you had never given me your phone number, I might never have had the courage to actually talk to you.” Castiel shrugs, but he smiles down at Dean. This is important and he wants him to understand why. “Through you, I made friends and figured out how to actually talk to normal people. It might not seem like much to you, but it made a world of difference to me.”

After a pause where he considers what else he could say, Castiel continues with something he’s only explained to one other person before. “And because of you I also finally figured out that I’m demisexual.” As expected, Dean opens his mouth to ask a question, but Castiel puts a hand over his mouth to stop him. “You can Google search what that is after I’m done being angry with you.”

While he might not _seem_ it right now, he still is quite irritated that Dean would think something as stupid as he tried to explain earlier. Though it’s hard to maintain that anger when Dean snorts a laugh and there’s a smile underneath Castiel’s hand. He shouldn’t be _amused_ right now. There’s nothing amusing about this. He should be repentant and apologizing to himself for being so insulting. Granted, it was insulting to _himself_ , but Castiel feels insulted too.

His glare had lessened some, but now it’s back in full force because this is _not_ a laughing moment. Castiel can be pleased with himself all he wants for revealing something new to Dean, but it doesn’t work both ways right now. He sits back to grab Dean’s wrists and pin them to the bed next to his head. That seems to wipe the smile from Dean’s face and his eyes go wide again.

“Now, would you like to try telling me again that your job defines who you are and what you deserve in life?” Castiel’s smile falls and he drops his voice into a more serious tone. “Would you like to try telling me that you’re going to let my _father_ and some preconceived idiotic notion of worth dictate whether or not I’m happy to have you as my boyfriend?” Because he is absolutely positive that _this_ is what Dean was trying to get at before they were interrupted by Sam.

Instead of answering, Dean actually presses his lips together until they make a thin line. He shakes his head slowly. It’s possible to that he’ll still have thoughts like that, but if that happens then Castiel will happily set him straight again. A mechanic is a perfectly respectable job and he _loves_ that Dean has a job that he enjoys. It’s a tough job and Castiel doubts that he could do it. He doesn’t have the head for machines like Dean does. Although he might didn’t graduate high school,  he is _very_ smart and Castiel will happily brag about him to anyone who will listen.

Either way, Dean isn’t trying to convince him otherwise and Castiel smiles, satisfied with himself. “Good. It’s not my father who decides who I want, and it’s not you who decides who I deserve. It’s _me_ and I want _you_.” To emphasize his point, he pokes Dean sharply in the chest as he sits back again. “And I also want to set the record straight regarding this photographer thing.”

“What photographer thing?” Dean tilts his head in confusion as he props himself up on his elbows.

Apparently Castiel is the only one who actually pays attention to conversations. He sighs and shakes his head. “Let me guess – you’re thinking I’m going to be the kind of photographer who takes pictures of models all day in exotic locations?” He knows Dean and he knows _exactly_ the kind of things he would think, even if the only hint at it were a few words.

Of course Dean nods and Castiel shakes his head again with a laugh. “The only person I have any interest in taking pictures of is _you_ , Dean. And, just to remind you, at the end of next semester we’re going to be looking for internships.” He lowers himself down to stretch out on top of Dean, actually cuddling him with his nose against his throat. “I’m going to apply to places like local newspapers, magazines, and places that do pictures for events and weddings. You don’t need to worry, I’m not going anywhere.”

Slowly, Dean curls his arms around him. “I didn’t say that you were. But, just promise that you won’t be a paparazzi, okay?”

Augh, there’s no way Castiel would ever do that. He doesn’t have the energy or the interest to ever _stalk_ someone for a photo opportunity. “I solemnly swear that I will _not_ become a paparazzi.”

With a low chuckle, Dean squeezes him and turns his nose into his hair. His relieved laugh continues, bubbling low in his throat and it’s making Castiel bounce in place. It’s just a little too annoying and he slides off of him. He does still stay tucked against Dean’s side, a huff of his own laughter rising in his chest. They end up shuffling up the bed and turning to face each other, thought still cuddled close.

Eventually, once the laughter has died down, Dean seeks out Castiel’s hands and squeezes them tightly. “I’m sorry.”

“If you ever say anything like that again, I’m going to tie you to the bed.” He squeezes Dean’s hands too, just a little tighter than necessary. “And I’ll leave you here for a week.”

Dean snorts and bites his bottom lip. “Oh really? Am I naked for this hypothetical week?”

He’s trying to turn things sexy and Castiel will not allow it. Not when he’s still a little irked. “No.” Castiel shakes his head. “You’ll be fully clothed and I’m going to buy a space heater to put right beside you.” Then Dean can sweat the bad thoughts away.

“You’re a _sadist_.” And with that, Dean dissolves into giggles again.

Castiel shrugs, perfectly at peace with his choices. “The punishment must fit the crime.” He pulls one of his hands free so he can cover Dean’s mouth and drown out the laughter. “I don’t want to hear you say anything like that again. I care about _you_ , not your job. Whatever you choose to be in your life, I’m going to be with you for as long as you’ll have me. I’ll support you in any decisions you make.”

After a moment, Dean reaches up to cover his hand. A kiss presses against his palm before it’s moved out of the way. “As long as it’s not bat shit crazy, right?”

Hm, he does have a point. Castiel will cede that point and he nods. “Exactly.”

That must be what Dean wants to here. His smile grows bright and he rolls over to pin Castiel beneath him. He tucks his face against his neck and worms his arms underneath him. It’s not particularly comfortable, but Castiel doesn’t have the heart to make him stop. He loves it when Dean is cuddly and he’s not going to turn him away just because there are arms pressing into his back.

Castiel hugs Dean back as tightly as he can. “Are we finished with that topic now?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. Now kiss me until you have to go to work.” Because there’s no other better way to end what is essentially their first argument as a _couple_. He won’t consider it to be a true _fight_ , and he hopes that one of those will be a long ways off – or never.

Dean huffs and lifts his head to grin down at him. “That’s an awfully bossy thing to say.”

“I’m still mad.”

To be fair, he’s not _actually_ mad, but making out for the next little while won’t hurt his mood any. Dean seems to understand, because he laughs and murmurs an agreement as he dips into a kiss. If they ever have an argument again in the future, and Castiel doesn’t doubt that they probably will, he hopes that they all end in sweet kisses.

All this has done, however, is prove that he _should_ tell his parents. His father will most definitely not approve, but there’s still hope for his mother. Castiel can only hope that she’ll accept his choices the same as she did his decision to leave the medical program. As much as he would rather put it off for as long as he possibly can, telling his parents is something that is going to happen eventually. For Dean’s sake, and his own, they should get it out of the way the sooner rather than later.

*

It’s not more than a few days after their argument when the opportunity to tell his parents presents itself. Granted, the opportunity comes in the form of a day off for the both of them and a date night for Sam and Jess. As much as he loves having one of his best friends around, this is likely not going to go very well and it’s something that he and Dean are going to need to handle in private. It’s hard to do that when Sam is only one wall away from them.

Dean is in the process of folding his clothing after doing laundry when Castiel walks into the room. He looks up with a smile. “What’s up, buttercup?”

That’s a pet name he’ll let slide as he knows it’s a part of the rhyme and not actually meant for him. Castiel shifts uncomfortably on his feet and tries not to fidget _too_ much with his hands. “I want to tell my parents about us.”

“Right now?” He slowly lowers the t-shirt in his hands. At the determination in Castiel’s face, Dean sighs and sits on the edge of the bed. He pats the spot next to him. “Alright, let’s do this.”

As he’s crossing the room to the desk where he left his cell phone, Castiel realizes that maybe this isn’t really the best time to do this. There’s a high chance that it will ruin not only his Christmas, but his parents’ and Dean’s as well. It’s less than a week away and maybe he shouldn’t do this. He doesn’t want to upset anyone for the holidays, but he really doesn’t want to put this off for any longer either. He and Dean have been dating for most of December now, and it’s not ride that he should have to hide something that makes him happy from his parents. That, and Castiel doesn’t want Dean to think he’s not telling them because of _him_.

Rather than sit, he paces the length of the room as he unlocks his phone and opens his phone app. He lifts his head to look Dean in the eye. “I’m not ashamed that I’m dating you, and you were right. I should have told them sooner. I didn’t realize that not telling them would make you unhappy.”

“It makes sense that you didn’t.” Dean shrugs and starts jiggling one of his knees; a sign that he’s nervous. “Like you said, you guys aren’t exactly on speaking terms right now. I understand that you didn’t, and not telling them isn’t what had me all –” He pauses and rubs a hand over the back of his neck. “That was mostly _me_ making me feel like that, y’know?”

Castiel nods and finishes typing in his parents’ phone number as he sits down next to Dean. “I know. Have you been feeling better about that since –”

“You know I have.” He puts an arm around Castiel’s shoulders and pulls him close enough to press a kiss to his temple. “Now let’s get this over with so we can make out to make you feel better if this call ends up upsetting you.”

The smile that pulls up the corners of his mouth is weak at best as he leans into Dean’s side. His eyes drop back to the screen of his phone and the number on display. He doesn’t want to hit the green phone icon beneath it, but he has to. This needs to be done, no matter how much he doesn’t want to do it. With a deep breath to steady himself, he hits the button. Before he can lift the phone to his ear, Dean reaches over and taps the icon for speaker phone. Alright then. It looks like Dean’s going to hear _exactly_ what his family thinks about all of _this_.

After a few rings, the call is answered by the only person who actually answers the phone in the household. “Collins residence. How may I help you?”

“Hello, Andrews.” Some of the tension leaves Castiel’s shoulders at the sound of the familiar voice of head of the house. “This is Castiel. I would like to speak with my mother and father. Are they both him?”

It’s a little sad that he only knows Andrews by his last name. Whenever he asked for his first name, he was admonished both by Andrews and by his parents. It wasn’t _professional_ for Andrews to give personal information like that, which is something that his mother wanted him to respect. His father, on the other hand, just didn’t think it proper to know the first name of _the help_.

Dean probably doesn’t notice it, but Castiel definitely picks up on the softened tone to Andrews’s voice. “They’re taking tea in the study. I’ll transfer you to them now, sir.” He’ll always be professional, but at least he sounds rather happy to hear him.

“Thank you, Andrews.”

The sound of the hold music starts playing and Dean takes the moment to speak. “You have – You have an _Andrews_. And a study. And your parents take _tea_ in it.” He sounds utterly stunned and Castiel is distinctly reminded that he hasn’t told Dean about his childhood home in detail. “You didn’t grow up in Riverdale, did you?”

He doesn’t even have the first idea of where that would be, but he also has the feeling that Dean is talking about something else entirely. “I don’t understand that reference.” It does bring a smile to Castiel’s lips though, even if he can’t bring himself to look away from his phone. “But yes, we have an Andrews. If by that you mean we have a butler. We only have one and he basically manages the household.” And Father would be utterly lost without him.

“Holy shit.” Dean whistles lowly under his breath.

Castiel doesn’t know what’s so interesting about that and he shrugs. Before he can ask, the line clicks as it’s picked up again. His grip tightens on his phone almost painfully, only relaxing again when he hears who it is on the other line.

“Mon bébé!” His mother’s sounds so excited to hear from him and he wishes he wasn’t about to potentially ruin her Christmas. Especially since this is the first Christmas he can remember where he and Gabriel didn’t return home. “Castiel, how have you been?”

“Bonjour, maman. I’m –” He looks up at Dean to remind himself why he’s making this call. An honest smile spreads across his lips. “I’m doing well. Better than I have in a long time, actually.” Dean smiles back at him and presses a kiss to his shoulder. It encourages him to continue and he looks back down at the phone. “I have to speak to you and Father. Could you please put the phone on speaker?”

She laughs and Castiel can perfectly picture the way she must be shaking her head right now. “You know I don’t know how to do that.”

“It’s the button with an image of a speaker on it, maman.” He sighs and smiles fondly at his phone. “All you need to do is press it then you can put the phone back on the cradle.” After a pause where it sounds like the receiver was put down, Castiel continues. “AM I on speaker now?”

“You are.” She still sounds cheery, though distant now. “Go ahead with whatever you need to say.”

Before he can say anything, his father lets his presence be known and it’s like a splinter digging under his skin. “Hello Castiel.”

The moment he speaks, Dean’s arm tightens around his shoulders. It’s a squeeze of support and Castiel leans into it. He takes a deep breath and forces himself to remain calm. “Hello, Father. I’m calling to inform you both that I had a wonderful first semester and that I’m doing very well in all of my photography classes.”

While he has achieved the calmness he was seeking, he’s speaking too fast for his liking. If his parents haven’t been able to tell that there’s more to this call than just catching up, they’ll know it as soon as he gets out the next update he has for them.

“As well, I am living in the same apartment as before and I share a room with one of my roommates –” Castiel’s chest tightens painfully, but it’s a mix of happy and terrified. “Though I now call him my _boyfriend_ instead.”

Next to him, Dean hisses softly through his teeth. Castiel tightens the grip of his free hand where it’s resting on Dean’s thigh in warning. Yes, it was abrupt, but that’s really the only way to deal with his father. _Subtle_ doesn’t work with him. His mother, on the other hand, deserved a little more tact on his part. He’ll apologize to her later after his father has had his yelling fit. Actually, Castiel would prefer not to hear that. In fact, he might very well hang up on him if he starts that.

In a surprising turn of events, he’s the one who gets hung up on. All he heard was a gasp before the line clicked. His phone beeps a few times with the sound of the call ending and then it terminates the call itself. Castiel absorbs and processes their reactions until the screen turns off.

With a sigh, he drops his hand to hang it between his knees. “Well, that was the more preferable option of what he could have done.” But now Castiel doesn’t know how his mother is reacting to this. Did he break her heart? Will she accept him and Dean, or is she going to take his father’s side and now they’re both going to disown him?

The questions just keep coming and there’s nothing to distract him from it. Even Dean doesn’t say anything, though he does turn to push his laundry to the floor. He moves to the head of the bed and tugs at Castiel’s arm to drag him along too. His cell phone gets lost to the sheets as Dean draws him against his chest. Their legs tangle together as Castiel hides his face against Dean’s neck. He takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly, trying not to notice how it rattles against his ribs.

A comforting hand sweeps up and down his back as he tries to get his mind in order. It keeps on wanting to jump ahead and predict a dark future. At no point does it offer the option that perhaps things might actually work out. That just doesn’t seem viable to him. If his mother _does_ accept him as he is now, it will put her at odds with his father and Castiel doesn’t want to be the reason for a wedge to be driven between them. His father is an ass, but he still loves him and his mother most certainly loves him too.

From somewhere lost in the sheets, his phone starts ringing so unexpectedly that they both pull apart in surprise. Dean clutches his chest as Castiel twists to get his phone from the vicinity of his feet. He’s quick enough that it’s only on the third ring when he gets his hands on it, giving him another three rings before it goes to voicemail. The fourth ring falls on deaf ears as Castiel stares at his phone, not sure if he really believes the call display.

“It’s my parents’ number.” His voice sounds strained even to his ears.

The bed shifts as Dean sits up; shuffling down the bed to sit next to him again. He puts a comforting hand on his shoulder and squeezes. Castiel is almost more nervous to pick up the call than he was to make it in the first place. His hand shakes minutely as he swipes the screen to answer it. This time he immediately puts it on speakerphone.

He swallows around a lump in his throat before answering. “Hello?”

“Castiel?” His mother’s voice sounds eerily calm to him, but it does bring him a measure of peace to know that she doesn’t hate him enough to not call him – even if it’s been an hour since then. “Oh, mon bébé, I am sorry for before. Your father should not have hung up on you like that.” She sighs and her tone turns frustrated. “It was not right of him and I am sorry.”

Dean squeezes his shoulder again before dropping his arm to slip it around his waist. Castiel leans into his side, his whole body suddenly feeling weak with relief. He drops his head to Dean’s shoulder with a sigh. “It’s fine, maman. Honestly, I was expecting him to start yelling at me.”

“It’s good that he hung up then. I have had to listen to more yelling in the last hour than I’ve had to in months.” She huffs in her old, familiar way and Castiel can’t help smiling at it. “He only wants what is best for you, mon cher, but he is not going about things in the best of ways.”

“I know that first hand, maman.” At least they’re in agreement about that. “I take it that he doesn’t approve of my choice to date Dean?”

When she doesn’t answer immediately, Castiel can’t help but lift his head for a nervous glance at Dean. Did he somehow screw things up again by mentioning him? He wants his parents to approve of his choices, but he won’t let their disapproval ruin his relationship. Castiel is _happy_ with Dean, and he doesn’t need anyone’s opinion about it take that away from him.

“Gabriel has told us quite a bit about your roo – about your boyfriend.” Mother sighs softly, but he can’t find any hint of admonition in her voice.  Castiel does, however, make a mental note to have a stern talk with Gabriel later on. “I believe he has told us everything he knows about him.” A _very_ stern talk, because Gabriel is _not_ a big fan of Dean. “And I have heard nothing but good things.”

Oh. Alright. Then their talk will not be as stern as he previously thought. There are more pressing things to talk about right now. “But Father still doesn’t think he’s good enough for me.” It’s not a question and it most certainly makes Dean’s grip around his waist tighten.”

“No, mon cher, he does not.” The frustration starts creeping into her voice again. “He had quite a bit to say about that and don’t ask me to repeat any of it, because I won’t. It wasn’t proper of him.” That is not the greatest of signs, but it’s about what was expected.

Mother makes a tsking noise, and Castiel isn’t sure if it’s directed at him or not. “We are just both surprised to hear that you have – well – that you’re _gay_. That was rather unexpected for us.”

A frown briefly tugs at his lips and Castiel fights the urge to roll his eyes. Of _course_ his father didn’t listen to him when he said he was demisexual. All he probably heard was that he liked a man and immediately assumed that he falls on the homosexual end of the Kinsey Scale.

“I’m not gay, maman.” He sighs and shakes his head, if only because this isn’t something that he really wants to go into detail about right now. “I’m – I just like _Dean_. I would still feel the same for him if he were a woman.” After a moment’s thought, he decides he might as well give a little more information than that. “I’ve – I’m demisexual, not gay. I – I can email you some information about that if you would like to understand.”

“I would like that.” The warmth in her voice very nearly brings tears to Castiel’s eyes. “I’m glad to hear that you’re happy, mon bébé. That is what matters.” She pauses briefly before her tone descends into something a little more uncomfortable, yet still vaguely understanding. “I will admit that I’m – I am having trouble accepting that you are – that you have chosen to date a man. But as long as you’re happy, I’m happy.”

Castiel seeks out Dean’s other hand with his free one. He squeezes it another moment of silence before his mother continues. “I know that you will not be coming home for Christmas, but I was hoping that I could come see you and Gabriel during the new year? I would like to see Kali again, and I would like to meet your Dean.”

He has never loved his mother more than he does right now. Castiel looks to Dean again, asking without words if that would be acceptable. The question is on the tip of his tongue, but he can’t bring himself to ask. What if Dean said he wasn’t ready to meet his mother yet? It would be mortifying to have that happen _while_ they’re on the phone with her.

To his great relief, Dean nods and pulls his hand free to give him a thumbs up. Castiel smile is so wide that it actually makes his cheeks hurt. “We would like that, maman.”

The words are barely out of his mouth before there’s a loud crash in the background of their call. Mother sighs loudly. “That would be your father. I should go speak with him again.” Her voice quickly turns from irritated to soft again. “I love you, mom bébé and I want you to have a wonderful Christmas and a Happy New Year. Alright?”

“I will, maman.” Castiel can’t stop himself from smiling even if he tried. This call has gone far better than he had hoped. “Dean is very good to me.”

A warm smile passes over Dean’s lips before he leans in to kiss him. It’s a quick, gentle thing, but Dean still murmurs into it. “And Cas is very good for me, ma’am.”

“Oh!” Mother gasps suddenly before dissolving into surprised laughter. “I should have known that Castiel would have you there. I look forward to meeting you next month.”

Dean leans over his to rest his chin on Castiel’s shoulder, his eyes dropping to the phone. “And you too ma’am. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you and Mr. Collins.”

“Thank you, though I might hold off on telling him that until he has calmed down some.” Her laugh is a little bit strained this time, but she still sounds amused. “And Castiel, mon cher?”

“Yes, maman?”

“I’m putting money in your bank account as a Christmas gift and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.” Mother sounds overly smug about it and Castiel doesn’t even know where to start with telling her not to. “Use it however you like, as long as you’re happy.” She laughs and blows him some kisses through the phone. “I miss you and I love you, mon bébé.”

Now _that_ most definitely affects him and Castiel has to put a hand over his mouth to keep from making a sound. Dean immediately turns to wrap both arms around him and all he can do is lean into the hug. Castiel blinks back some tears as he bids her goodbye. “I love you too. À plus tard, maman.”

The moment the phone call is over, Castiel tosses his phone aside. He twists to throw his arms around Dean, the force of his hug pushing him down on the mattress. His happiness is overflowing in the form of kisses and he covers Dean’s face in them before focuses on his lips. There are a few sniffles in between some of them, but he’s proud of himself for not actually crying. He’s close, but he’s holding out better than he thought he when he decided that today would be the day they make that call.

Once the kisses come to an end and Castiel is satisfying himself with merely cuddling, Dean taps him on the back a few times. “I know what will perk you right up.”

He lifts his head, though he has no intention to stop cuddling any time soon. “What?”

“Lemme get my phone.”

Dean gestures at the bedside table which is just out of reach. It means they have to move and Castiel doesn’t particularly feel like doing that any time soon. Reluctantly, he lets Dean go long enough to get his phone. As soon as he has it in hand, Castiel pulls him close again. He rests his head on Dean’s chest and hums happily to himself. Whatever he’s doing with his phone isn’t half as important as being comfortable and coming down from the adrenaline high caused by talking with his parents.

Of all things, Castiel doesn’t expect his phone to ping with a text message. Dean taps him on the shoulder again. “You should probably check that.”

It’s starting to seem like maybe Dean _doesn’t_ want to cuddle and that is just unacceptable. Castiel throws him an unhappy glare as he sits up to get his phone. He doesn’t give Dean any time to escape and immediately flops back down on him. There’s a text message with a picture from Dean waiting on his phone and it takes him far too long to remember when it was taken. It feels like forever ago when Dean had him lean over the back of the couch so they could take a selfie together.

While he’s staring at his own phone, Dean’s gets lowered into his field of view. Slowly and purposefully, he slides his fingers across the screen to unlock it. The texting app is open, but Dean closes it and swipes to a screen with only a few apps on it. He does it to show off the different background he has from his lockscreen, but it’s entirely unnecessary. Castiel could tell that it’s the same picture that was just texted to him even when it was covered with app icons.

Even still, it takes a little too long for it to actually _click_ that Dean has a picture of _them_ as the background on his phone. It’s something that he looks at every day. He made the choice for it to be _them_ and it feels like Castiel’s heart is going to burst with this knowledge. Tears were already a threat to him after talking with his mother and he blinks them back again.

His smile is a little shaky, but it’s entirely genuine as he looks back to his own phone. Castiel has never really paid much attention to the backgrounds on his phone before, but he changes it now. Hopefully Dean won’t mind matching with him. The kiss that gets pressed to the top of his head confirms that he’s safe with his choice.

*

“I’m a little surprised that you’re letting me help with this.” Castiel takes a quick break from mashing potatoes to look over his shoulder.  He’s working hard at the kitchen table while Dean is busy at the counter with rolling out the dough for the crust of his apple pie.

Dean turns around sharply and points the rolling pin at him. “You can bet your ass that I’m going to delegate the shit you _can’t_ screw up while _I_ make all the dishes that _you_ and _Sam_ said you would bring tonight.” He huffs and turns around again. “People who suck at cooking shouldn’t promise to bring things they don’t know how to make.”

Sam gives an insulted gasp in the living room. “I take offense to that!”

“We want _edible_ food at the potluck, Sammy, so either shut your pie hold or get in here and help.”

There’s a heavy pause before Sam clears his throat. “I’m waiting for Jess.”

While Sam _can_ cook, he doesn’t exactly have the same talent that Dean does. His meals are simple and generally don’t have the flavour nuances that Dean’s do, but they’re not _bad_. He’s a better cook when Jess is around, as she has a better grasp of seasoning and they cook well together. Even on his own, Sam’s meals are certainly better than the few simple things that Castiel has learned how to make. He’s still really only good at making instant things – like microwave dinners or pots of cheap ramen noodles.

Almost as if she was waiting for her name to be said, Jess announces her arrival with a hard knock on the door. Sam lets her in and carries a slow cooker into the kitchen for her. She follows him shortly after with plastic bags in her hands that she raises above her head. “Help has arrived!”

“Awesome!” Dean turns to flash her a smile and gesture with his rolling pin again. “Crock pot goes on the table. Sammy, get the meatballs started. We’ll put the sauce in after they’re all warmed up.”

“What’s our status on everything else?” Jess puts her bags down and pulls an apron out of one of them. “Just tell me what you want me to do.”

Dean glances around at all the various pots and dishes that he has spread out on the counters. “The apple pie is gonna go into the oven last so it’s fresh baked when we leave, and I’m still working on that. The shepherd’s pie is almost ready to bake as soon as Cas is done with those potatoes. You can get started on that spinach bullshit that Cas said he would bring, if you want.”

“Spinach dip in a sourdough bowl is _not_ bullshit, Dean. It’s delicious.” Castiel gives him a pointed look before taps the edge with the masher in hand against the pot in front of him. “And I have no idea when I’ll know that I’m done with these.”

“When they’re like _clouds_ , Cas.”

That’s rather ambiguous because clouds come in all manner of shapes and sizes. “What do you –”

Jess puts a hand on his shoulder and leans over to look into the pot. “Looks like you’ve got most of the lumps out, but you definitely need to add more milk and butter.”

It would have been nice if someone had told him that earlier. “Since when am I supposed to add milk and butter?” He had no idea that was a necessity in making mashed potatoes.

“Dean, aren’t you helping him _at all_?” She turns to him with her hand on her hips.

While her tone is playful, Dean’s is not. He makes a frustrated noise and yanks open the fridge door. It slams behind him as he turns around to heavily drop both the milk and a tub of margarine on the table. Dean shoots them both a dark glare before returning to his pie. Castiel watches his back for a few moments as Jess takes over adding to the mashed potatoes. It really wasn’t fair to him that Castiel and Sam both promised things for Bobby’s Christmas Eve potluck that neither one of them actually knew how to make. For Sam, he promised the shepherd’s pie, and Castiel the spinach dip. Jess said she would bring meatballs, which are absurdly easy to make when purchased pre-made like she did.

Castiel quietly excuses himself from the table as Jess takes the masher from him to fix up the potatoes. He crosses their small kitchen to slip his arms around Dean’s waist. As soon as he presses a kiss to the back of his neck, Dean sighs and relaxes into him. After a moment, he offers an apology for his grumpy attitude in the form of a spoonful of apple pie filling.

“Mmm.” He hums and savours it. “That tastes delicious.”

“Thanks.” Dean ducks his head while laying his dough out into the pie dish. “When those potatoes are done, can you spread them over the meat and veggies?” He tilts his head to gesture at the dish sitting on top of the stove.

That sounds easy enough to do. “Yes _sir_.”

As expected, Dean catches the teasing reference to last night. Sam had the late shift at one of his jobs and it gave the two of them more than enough time to have some fun with the collars again. Dean looks over his shoulder with a narrowed eyed glare of warning and all Castiel can do is smile at it.

Now that the milk and butter has been added, the potatoes look fantastic. Jess quickly cleans up the table a little bit to make room for preparing the spinach dip as Castiel does a little more mashing. Sam is certainly drawing out emptying the bag of meatballs into the crock pot and fiddling with the settings on it. As long as they warm up, that’s all that matters. There’s not much else for him to do since he doesn’t exactly know how to make it either.

“Here, Cas.” Jess brings over the baking dish from the stove. “You’re ready to finish this up.”

Once the shepherd’s pie is in the oven, Jess puts Castiel in charge of hollowing out the loaf of sourdough that she bought for him. She even takes it upon herself to cut the top off the loaf for him. Castiel has never had to hollow out a bread bowl before, but she starts it off for him and shows him the technique. He really has so much to learn about cooking and he’s thankful that he has friends who know what they’re doing and are willing to teach him.

Jess mixes the sauce while Castiel hollows out the bowl and tears the insides into chunks. They put all of that in a ziplock bag to maintain their freshness. They’re just going to keep the baggie inside the bread bowl until they get to Bobby’s place. To Castiel’s understanding, as was explained to him, the dip will be chilled in the fridge and they won’t put it in the bread bowl until they’re actually at Bobby’s house. Far be it from him to question how these things are done. If he had been left in charge of it, Castiel would have chilled the dip in the bread bowl and never questioned what effect that might have on anything.

Halfway through mixing the dough, Jess stops with a loud gasp and she points her spoon at him. “Oh my God, I just remembered!”

“Remembered what?” Sam is sitting next to her, dutifully chopping spinach.

“Posters!” She bounces excitedly as she returns to stirring. “They hung them up in the mail room of my apartment building for _the art show_.” It takes way too long for the pieces to fall into place in Castiel’s mind. Jess slaps him on the shoulder and turns to Sam and Dean. “The art show that Cas’s photography class is is participating in! It’s going to be in late January and they just got around to putting up all the posters for it.”

“That’s _awesome_.” Dean turns a smile on Castiel. “We’re definitely going to have to go see it.” He pauses and his smile falls into a confused frown. “Wait a sec. Didn’t you want to do a photoshoot with me for that?”

It sounds like someone hasn’t actually looked at the wall calendar yet. “Yes, and I booked the studio at the university for the fourth of January.” He points at the calendar and gives Dean a flat look. “I wrote it on there for both of us.”

Dean glances at it with a squint before swearing under his breath. “Yeah, I guess you did.” He shrugs and turns back to his pie. “You sure are cutting it close though, aren’t you?”

Castiel shrugs and fidgets with the seal of the baggy in his hand. “I didn’t have much of a choice. It was very difficult to find a time slot at the studio that coincided with our schedules.” Ah, that reminds him. He looks to Jess and Sam too. “Also expect to have some of our park photoshoot also submitted. I have no idea what they’re going to pick from the photos that I’ll be giving them, but you might see some of those in there.”

Sam stands up for the two of them to hug dramatically. Jess swoons backwards into his arms; a hand to her forehead. “Oh _Sam_ , we’re going to be _stars_.”

They both break down laughing before Sam can make an additional quip. Dean rolls his eyes and returns to his pies while Castiel busies himself with finishing up the bread bowl. He will admit to himself, and to no one else, that he’s actually a little nervous about the art show for more reasons than he cares to say. His mother knows about it now, as he mentioned it when he had a follow up call with her a few days ago. She’s planning on attending it during her visit and Castiel _really_ hopes that his pictures are actually going to be in it.

There’s no guarantee that his pictures will be selected , but he did sign up for it so the chances are high. He’ll be submitting more than just his pictures of Dean, or the ones of Sam and Jess. Some of his landscape photos of the ocean, various parts of the city, and the university will be submitted as wll. Any one of those could be selected instead, but wants to include a little bit of everything to show what he’s capable of. It’s what his professor will be looking for and everything will look good in his portfolio.

Since his mother will be attending, Castiel sincerely hopes that the pictures with actual _people_ in them will be chosen. Mother has seen plenty of his pictures over the years, but they’ve always been landscapes or abstracts. She’s never seen a picture of _people_ before and he wants to show those off. At least _she_ has always supported his hobby, unlike his father.

It’s been a week or so since Castiel told them about his relationship with Dean. So far, his father hasn’t budged on his bigoted, hateful opinions about that. According to his mother, Father has raged about about how he’s brought _shame_ to the family. She was very insistent that he hadn’t, but of course course that still stung a little. At least she’s reminded him time and time again that she doesn’t share his father’s opinions. She might not be overly pleased that he’s in a relationship with a _man_ , but she’s respecting his choices and still loves him as he is.

In fact, Mother has expressed how much she’s looking forward to meeting Dean. Castiel is particularly nervous for that too, because she made it a point to say that she would absolutely be judging the man who – in her own words – is _wooing_ her son. That’s a little bit terrifying and not something he’ll tell Dean at all, if only because that might stress him out about the meeting more than he already is.

All Castiel can do regarding that is to cross his fingers and hopes that everything goes well.

*

It was only a few years ago when Castiel thought that he was would never ride public transit. And now he does it a few times a week at the least. Dean doesn’t have a static work schedule like he does, so there are days when the bus is his only option to get to and from the café. Castiel doesn’t really mind anymore. If anything, he enjoys being able to put in his headphones and zone out for the duration of the bus ride. Well, there’s that and getting to walk past the pet shop.

Today he gets off the bus and pauses to stretch. He had the early shift at the café this morning, which meant that he had to leave before anyone else even woke up. It was no surprise that Dean didn’t wake up even as Castiel got ready. He was quite worn out after the _fun_ they had last night. Dean is due home in a few hours thanks to a half-shift today, which had him strangely grumpy. Lately, he’s been talking about trying to get a static schedule at the garage to more or less match his. Normally Castiel wouldn’t be allowed a steady schedule since he hasn’t been working at the café for _that_ long, but his class schedules more or less forced it and he’s rather happy for that.

In any case, Castiel is really looking forward to Dean having a matching schedule. It would be so nice to leave the house together and finish work at the same time. Not just because he would save on bus fare because they would drive together, but for the extra time they could spend together. If they leave early enough, they might even be able to stop somewhere and have breakfast together. Granted, that defeats the purpose of saving money on bus fare, but Castiel will take every excuse to go on dates with Dean.

He’ll keep his fingers crossed that Bobby will grant Dean a static schedule. Frankly, Castiel doesn’t see why not. Thus far, he has been making the _choice_ to work non-static shifts because he liked it keep his weeks interesting. It’s quite heart warming to know that _Castiel_ is the reason that Dean wants to change that now.

Castiel is torn from his daydreams about what it would be like to drive to and from work every day with Dean as a sign catches his eye. He stops dead in the middle of the sidewalk and turns to stare at the window of the pet store. It’s been a while since he’s visited the store, if only because things have been going so well with Dean and he hasn’t needed to _escape_ from certain negative feelings. That sign, however, is giving him an itch to visit.

The window is half filled with a sign reading _Two For One Guinea Pigs_. The other half of the window has little jumping guinea pigs painted all over it. It’s just _too cute_ and Castiel is inside the store before he even realizes it, leaning over the edge of the guinea pig enclosure. There are twelve in the cage and they’re _all_ adorable. One of them is running in an overly large wheel, a few have their faces in the feed bowl or are munching on some hay, and the rest are grouped in the corners or sleeping under the huts. They’re all so adorable and some of them are so _fluffy_.

“Well, hey there stranger!” Amelia walks up to the other side of the enclosure, smiling brightly. “It’s been a while since you’ve been in. Are things going better with the roommate?”

“Much better, thank you.” He looks up to flash her a smile, but quickly turns his attention back to the guinea pigs. They’re so adorable and he wants to hold one.

Amelia leans on the glass edge of the enclosure. “Did you move out or have a good talk with him?”

Castiel shakes his head and lowers a hand into the enclosure for one of the guinea pigs to sniff. “Actually, I moved _in_.”

“I thought you were already – Oh!” Realization dawns and her gasp turns into a laugh. “I get it! Well, congratulations are in order, I guess.” She glances between Castiel and the focus he has on the guinea pigs. “You looking for kids now, huh?”

He ducks his head as he strokes the back of one of the guinea pigs while it’s eating. It doesn’t even seem to notice his touch. “I’m not sure if _he_ does, but I certainly do.”

Amelia hums and tilts her head. “I’m not going to try and talk you out of it, but you should definitely give him a call and ask.” She taps the sign on the side of the enclosure that shows the sale. “Just an FYI, but today is the last day for this.”

That’s quite the incentive and Castiel is already digging in his coat pocket for his cell phone. “I think I shall.” Because why not? The worst that could happen is that Dean says _no_. If he doesn’t ask, he’ll never know if it was possible or not.

Castiel steps off to the side to make his call as another customer comes in. To his dismay, and confusion, Dean’s phone goes straight to voicemail. Is it off? Why would it be off? He asks that exact question as he leaves a message, including how he’s at the pet store and he wants guinea pigs. Castiel ends the message with a vague threat that if Dean doesn’t call him back in roughly ten minutes then he’s going to get the guinea pigs anyways.

Since Sam is also their roommate and he shares the space, Castiel also calls him. Unlike his brother, he actually answers. “Hey, Cas. What’s up?”

“Guinea pigs, Sam. _Guinea pigs_ are what’s up.” He approaches the enclosure again and reaches down to pet one of the pigs sleeping in the corner.

“Oh God.” Sam groans and there’s the sound of a solid thump on the other end of the line. “You saw the sale sign, didn’t you?”

That’s right. He took the bus to work today and he would have seen this too. “Yes, yes I did. I want one – er, _two_. Please?”

After a moment of silence, Sam sighs loudly. “Are you sure you can afford their upkeep and all the stuff you need to get for them?”

Surprisingly, yes. “Mother game me _far_ more money than expected for Christmas.” So much so that Castiel doesn’t know what in the world he would possibly use it all on. “And I have plenty of savings for their food and bedding in the future if, for whatever reason, my wages aren’t enough to cover it.”

“And are you going to take care of them properly?”

“Of course I will.” Castiel is almost insulted that he would insinuate otherwise.

Sam huffs, but his tone is softer than it is warning. “These are going to be _your_ pets, Cas. Not mine, and not Dean’s. You’re going to be the one taking care of them and they’re going to depend on _you_ for food and a clean cage.”

That doesn’t sound too hard and Castiel is probably the most responsible one out of the three of them. He’s _positive_ that he will be an excellent parent to these guinea pigs. “Yes, Sam.”

“Okay.” He hums a few notes before letting out a slow breath. “Have you talked to Dean yet?”

“Does it count if I left him a voicemail?” Castiel glances up as Amelia joins him again. “I think his phone might be dead, because it went straight to voicemail when I called him.”

Sam laughs quietly to himself. “Knowing him, he wouldn’t say ‘no’ even if you got through to him. If you want my opinion, go ahead and get them. You’ve got my blessing. Just promise me that you won’t let your cage get smelly, okay? I had a friend in school who had them and he only cleaned them, like, once a week. It _stunk_.”

“I absolutely won’t, I promise!” Castiel bounces on the balls of his feet a few times, looking to Amelia excitedly. “Thank you, Sam!”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m awesome, I know.” He laughs louder now, clearly pleased with himself. “I’ll see you at home in a few hours with the pigs.”

As soon as the call is over, Amelia raises an eyebrow at him. “So, you’re getting them, then?”

“Yes!” Castiel can barely contain himself. He knows that their lease agreement on their apartment allows for caged animals, so he doesn’t need to worry about that. The only problem about adopting these guinea pigs is the slight potential for Dean being upset by it. In any case, Castiel is sure that he would be able to convince him that this is going to be a _good_ thing.

Amelia pulls a little booklet from a holder on the side of the enclosure and holds it out to him. “You’re going to want this if this is your first time with guinea pigs. It’s everything you’ll need to know about their care.”

“Oh, thank you!” Castiel opens it immediately and skims the first few pages. Of that information, the first page contains a list of everything that one needs for the care and upkeep of guinea pigs. He turns the booklet around and holds it out to Amelia again. “I would like to buy all of this.”

She laughs and gestures for him to follow her. “Alright, come with me. We’ll get that all put together before you pick the two lucky pigs who get to go home with you today.”

There is most definitely a bounce in Castiel’s step as he follows her to the side of the store that contains all the supplies for the various pets that they sell. “I’m going to need to make a few trips to get everything back to the apartment. Is that alright?”

“Of course.” Amelia shrugs as she starts pulling things from the shelves and passing them to him to place on the sales counter. “We’ll ring up everything you need, plus the two pigs, first and then you can take it home to set up. Just come back for the pigs afterwards so everything is all ready for them at home.”

“Perfect.” Castiel is mildly impressed that she has this more planned out than he does. This is all spur of the moment for him and he would probably be completely lost without her to guide him along the way.

It takes longer than expected to pick out a cage big enough for two guinea pigs. Castiel doesn’t want one _too_ big for their apartment, but he also doesn’t want one too _small_ for them. The cage is also how he’s going to carry everything home, so it needs to be big enough to fit all of that in there too. Honestly, he’s not actually sure where in the apartment he’s going to put the cage to start with. The best place he can think of is against the wall where the TV used to be, right there at the end of the coffee table. Maybe they could even get another coffee table so they can put it up higher than that? If he knows Dean, they’ll probably move the cage around into several places to try and find where it will best fit.

Once the cage is picked, Castiel is able to pick an igloo house that will sit in one corner. It has to be big enough for two fully grown guinea pigs too, just in case they need a place to hide or feel safe. And of course he needed a feeding bowl, so he picked that too so it would match the igloo. He even places them in the cage where he plans to put them, just to make sure that the guinea pigs will still have plenty of room to run around.

Next into the cage goes one of the smaller bags of wood shavings to line the bottom of the cage, and the pooper scooper needed to clean it. He’ll come back and buy a bigger bag later in the week as this one is just to start him out. Castiel picks a water bottle to attach to the side of the cage as well as a salt lick. Of the variety of food pellets and timothy hay available, Castiel chooses the kind that they’re already used to and he adds those to the cage as well.

The next items that Amelia recommends are things that aren’t _required_ , but they do make things easier. Castiel doesn’t care and he happily adds a brush, two exercise balls, and a pair of tiny nail clippers. While they’re picking everything out, Amelia takes the time to explain that the deal is two-for-one because guinea pigs are social herd animals and usually do better in pairs. Honestly, she doesn’t need to explain that because Castiel would have likely bought two anyways but he’s happy about it anyways. Regardless, the whole time they’re picking things out, he’s comparing information from the booklet to a care website he quickly googled on his phone.

Castiel will likely have the booklet devoted to memory by the end of the day, and he attributes that entirely to the fact that he is _so excited_ to have a pet. His parents wouldn’t let him have one when he was a child, mostly because he spent the majority of the year in boarding school and both of them were too busy to care for a pet themselves. The schools he grew up in where against pets too, and Gabriel’s apartment when they lived together didn’t allow pets. Castiel has always wanted one and he would have been satisfied with just about anything – even a fish. Now he’s going to have guinea pigs and he can hardly contain his excitement.

After paying for everything, including the guinea pigs, Castiel carries the cage back to the apartment. It’s laden down with everything that they could fit in it, and anything else is in bags that hang from his arms. During the walk back, and while setting everything up at home, he mentally creates a sound argument as to why he should get to keep the guinea pigs. He probably won’t need it, but it’s good to have one for when Dean gets home – just in case he says they can’t keep them.

If worse comes to worst and Dean won’t budge on it, there’s always the option of using sex to win Dean over. He distinctly remembers that happening quite a bit in the pornos that they used to watch together. It’s a bit underhanded, but if it will let him keep the guinea pigs, then he’ll at least give it a try.

Getting into the apartment with his arms full of cage is a little bit difficult, but Castiel manages it without dropping a thing. For now, he sets the cage up behind the couch. Partially because that’s one of the few open areas he can put something at the moment, and partially because it means the cage is out of sight and he’ll be able to talk Dean into it before he sees it.

Since Amelia is waiting for him, Castiel doesn’t take too much time with setting up the cage. He spreads the bedding along the bottom and puts out the food bowl, some timothy hay, the salt lick, and the water bottle. The igloo gets put out too, but he can find places for the rest afterwards. It would be rude to take any longer than that. Before leaving, he also adds a couple baby carrots to the food dish as a welcoming gift to the guinea pigs when he brings them to their new home.

The bags with everything else are left next to the cage. He’ll have to find a nice box to keep it all in. Maybe they can make room for a box on the lower shelves of the bookcase. His mind is racing with ideas of where he could put everything and he has to force himself not to think about it right now. He practically runs back to the pet store, only remembering halfway down the hallway from his apartment that he was supposed to bring some dish towels. Amelia had suggested bringing them to cushion the box for the guinea pigs, and having his scent on the towels will help adjust them to him.

She’s waiting for him with a box in hand when he walks back into the store. “Are you ready to pick out your new babies?”

“Oh, _yes_.” Castiel grins brightly and hands her the towels. He leans over the enclosure to look at them, carefully eyeing each guinea pig. “Is there anything special I should be looking for when picking one?”

“It’s up to you.” Amelia shrugs and stands next to him. “You can pick ones that are more friendly, or ones that are more timid. If you want energetic ones or relaxed ones, it’s your decision.” She reaches down to scratch behind the ears of one of the pigs sleeping on its side. “These are all males and they’re all about six weeks old, so you’re limited in gender and age, sorry.”

He had never considered either of those, so he’s not at all disappointed. Castiel vibrates with excitement as he looks them over. There are just so many to pick from and he wishes he could take them all home. _That_ might be something that Dean takes issue with. It will have to be two for now, though having to choose might just kill him.

Out of all the pigs, though, only one is really catching his eye at the moment. Of the twelve guinea pigs, there is just one with long, wild looking fur. It’s also the only white haired pig among them and Castiel is taking a liking to it all the more that he looks at it.

“What about him?” Castiel reaches out and runs a finger down the guinea pigs back.

“You’ll have to brush him regularly so he doesn’t get mats.” Amelia hums and reaches out to pet him too. “And keep the wood shavings fresh or he’ll get clumps in his fur. If that happens, you’ll have to trim them. Will you be able to do that?”

It sounds like a lot of work, but caged animals aren’t nearly as much work as free range animal like a dog or a cat. Dean is allergic to cats, but maybe one day in the future Castiel might be able to talk him into getting a dog. If that ever happens, then caring for a high maintenance guinea pig might be good practice. In either case, the more Castiel pets him, the more he wants this particular guinea pig.

“Yes, I can do that.”

“Then you can definitely pick him.” She laughs and holds up the box.

Castiel carefully scoops up the guinea pig with both hands. It squeaks in surprise a few times, but doesn’t struggle. “I like his hair. It reminds me of Albert Einstein.”

“That is an _excellent_ name.” Amelia laughs in surprise while holding the box steady. “Would you like to do the honours?”

Of course he would. As carefully as he can, Castiel slowly lowers Albert Einstein into the box. He scuffles around in there, squeaking in confusion before he hunkers down in a corner. The poor thing is probably scared and Castiel does feel bad for him. Hopefully he’ll be better once he gets to his new home. It would be best that he limits the amount of time the guinea pigs will have to spend in the box. He quickly scans the rest of the pigs again, looking for one who might stand out like Einstein did.

To his surprise, another wild haired guinea pig comes out of one of the huts in the enclosure. This one is black and white. He starts squeaking loudly and jumping around, kicking up his back legs a lot. Amelia shakes her head at him. “That’s called popcorning when they do that. He’s such a character this one. He’s so silly and makes such a mess.”

Someone that is prone to making a mess is probably not something Castiel should pick, but this one is making an adorable impression and Castiel is already in love. “This one will be Led Zeppelin.” Because that’s Dean’s favourite band and he’ll be less likely to want to return the guinea pigs if one is named after that.

Castiel scoops him up and, after a few pets to calm him down, carefully puts him in the box too. They both snuggle together in the corner, snuffling at each other. “I’ll take these two, please.”

“An excellent choice.” Amelia grins at him before closing the box. It had a bunch of holes in the sides, but Castiel still feels bad to close them up in the dark like that. “You have the booklet, right?”

He pats the pocket where he has it. “Yes, I do.”

“Good.” She hands the box over carefully and he all but hugs it to his chest. “You’re always welcome to come ask questions. And remember to give them a varied diet of pellets, timothy hay, and different kinds of fruits and vegetables. That booklet will tell you what you should and shout not give them.”

“Thank you. I’ll definitely be by with more questions if I have them.” Castiel graces her with one last bright smile before they bid goodbye.

The walk back to the apartment this time is _much_ slower than before. Despite carrying a far lighter load, Castiel moves carefully so as not to disturb the Einstein and Zeppelin. He’ll let them get used to their new cage while he showers and cleans up the mess he made with putting everything out for them. Afterwards, he can have them try out their exercise balls. Maybe he’ll even brush them so they’ll look nice and pretty for when Dean gets back. If they make a good first impression, maybe he won’t mind so much the new additions to their home.

*

The guinea pigs are snuffling around their cage with the occasional squeak. They’ve been temporarily relocated from behind the couch to sit between the bookcase and the bedroom door. Dean accepted them as family almost immediately, despite the fright they first gave him. He even said that once the Christmas tree comes down, they’re going to get a low table to put in that corner where their cage can be. It’s not a big rush, but he _is_ planning on taking the tree down within the next week or so.

Honestly, Castiel isn’t in a rush to do _anything_ right now. His stomach is full to bursting and he’s half awake on Dean’s chest. The two of them have been laying together on the couch for the last few hours, marathoning the Star Wars movies in episode number order. He’s seen them multiple times in the course of being Dean’s friend, but watching it on or around New Year’s Eve is apparently a _tradition_ of some sort, and Castiel is in no place to tell him otherwise.

After all the times that they’ve watched them together, it feels like he knows them by heart now. While he might not be keeping track of _which_ movie they’re on right now, he does manage to quote along with the movie here and there. Dean does the same, particularly with some of the more iconic quotes. It’s rather fun and probably about the only thing keeping Castiel awake right now. He’s so very happy that they decided to stay home tonight instead of going out to any one of the number of parties that Dean was invited to.

It warms him to his very core to know that Dean turned down various party invitations because he know that Castiel wouldn’t want to go to them and he didn’t want to go without him. The fact that he knows Castiel that well is just _amazing_ , but he did feel the need to point out that he would have gone if Dean really wanted to go. As long as he gets his midnight kiss, he doesn’t care where they are for it. Maybe next year they can do a party together, but what they’re doing tonight is just as good – no. It’s _better_ than anything else they could have done.

Dean is absentmindedly trailing fingers up and down Castiel’s back underneath the blanket while they watch the movie. He mumbles along softly as Han Solo calms Chewbacca down, reminding him that he must take care of the princess. It’s all automatic with him now. Judging by how he’s just a few seconds off, he’s probably not actually paying attention. Castiel wouldn’t be surprised to find that Dean might be half asleep by now. It would be a shame if he _did_ pass out before midnight. They’ve perfectly timed the movies to be done the current one so they’ll still be able to watch the countdown and festivities on TV. And then they can spend the first few hours of the New Year watching the final movie of the series.

Truth be told, Castiel’s eyes are half closed too as he watches Han Solo and Princess Leia kiss. He knows this scene too and he continues quoting the scene for Dean with the next line: “I love you.”

“I know.” Dean answers in time with Han Solo.

They’re just quoting the movie, but it still strikes a chord within Castiel. The warm blanket of sleep that had been slowly but surely enveloping his mind is drawn back sharply. He holds his breath and he waits to see if maybe Dean noticed what just happened. While they might have just been quoting the movie, in reality Castiel just said that he loved him. They haven’t actually said that to each other yet, though he does most certainly feel it. He’s felt it for quite some time, actually, and has just not said it because he was sure that Dean wasn’t ready to hear it.

Granted, using movie quotes wasn’t exactly how he planned to do it, but it’s not a bad way. Or, rather, it won’t be a bad way if Dean understands what happened. If it just goes over his head and he sees it as nothing else, then – well – how would he feel? Castiel might be relieved, or he might not be disappointed. It’s hard to say how he’ll feel until it actually happens; until Dean actually _reacts_. What if he reacts poorly? Should Castiel be ready to sit up and give him his space? Maybe _Dean_ isn’t ready to say it yet?

His heart is starting to beat a hard rhythm against his ribs and he’s certain that Dean must be able to feel it by now. It becomes a painful staccato as Dean draws a hand out from under the blankets to reach for the remote on the table. Slowly and purposefully, he presses the pause button to stop the movie. Castiel is a little bit terrified right now but he dare not move until Dean does. It feels like his heart has climbed up into this throat and he swallows around it.

Dean shifts under him; pulling himself up the couch a little. Castiel pushes himself up just enough so he can do that. He lifts his head much slower, too nervous to look him in the face right away. When he does, a small frown plays across Dean’s lips. It’s only there for a moment before it’s replaced with a smile. At first his smile is slow, but it grows into something warm and radiant; burning away any worries that Castiel might have had.

When Dean’s palm brushes his cheek, Castiel can’t help but smile himself. He leans into that hand and lets it draw him forward into a gentle kiss. Dean’s arms slide firmly around him, drawing him closer and deeper into the kisses that flow one into the other.

“I know.” He murmurs softly in between them, barely loud enough to be heard.

But Castiel hears it. He hears it and his heart is ready to burst because he _knows_ what that means. With a happy sigh, he melts into Dean all the more. “I know too.”

They kiss for what seems like an eternity, and it’s how Castiel would happily spend the rest of his life if he could. Eventually he registers the sounds of fireworks in the distance and cheering happening in the street outside. Vaguely he realizes that it must be midnight. The New Year is here and Castiel breaks their kiss long enough to whisper into the heated space between them. “Happy New Year, Dean.”

“Happy New Year, Cas.” He hums back before drawing him into another kiss.

It’s been _quite_ a year for the both of them. So many things happened and Castiel is so looking forward to seeing what this next year will bring for them.

The "End"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We'll kick off the end of 2017 with the end of my longest running story yet! This, however, is not yet _actually_ the end. There is still the Epilogue to go! Tune in next time to learn how things turn out for our ridiculous duo. ♥


	47. Chapter 47

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place after the end of the _A Little Patience_ story line. There are no warnings for this chapter. ♥

Dean gets dressed in a corner of the room while Castiel busies himself with cleaning up. He puts his camera away in his bag before taking down the lighting rigs. The studio doesn’t have much of a storage room for everything, so they generally just push the equipment and furniture up against one wall. The other wall is sectioned into different kinds of backgrounds; one dark, one light, one textured, and one with windows. They really did luck out by getting what has to be one of the longest rooms in the university. It does make everything easier to have it all in one place.

Once the suitcase of clothing they brought along has been packed up too, Dean helps to put the furniture back into place. They didn’t use too much, but Castiel did get a variety of pictures and poses that he’ll looks forward to editing for the art show at the end of the month. He’s been considering taking the course in photo manipulation in the future so he can add perhaps a magical touch to his pictures. Maybe he would have a better chance of winning an honourable mention or something at exhibitions if he was able to manipulate a photo to make it look like Dean had wings.

“Alright. If you want to take the suitcase out to the car, I’ll take the digital equipment back to the lock room.” Castiel dusts his hands off on his jeans as they start towards the laptop and cables he borrowed. “I’ll meet you in the parking lot and then we can go for dinner. My treat as a thank you for being my model today.”

Though he hums a note in an agreeing tone, Dean doesn’t go pick up the suitcase. Instead, he catches Castiel around the waist and pulls him into a toe curling kiss. It makes him go a little weak in the knees and he has to hold himself up by Dean’s shoulders – just in case he actually collapses. That’s never happened before, but he expects it might some day. He must know this, because there’s a wide grin spread across his lips when he draws back.

Castiel loops his arms around Dean’s shoulders and leans against his chest. “What was that for?”

“You just spent the last four hours paying _really_ close attention to me.” Dean shrugs and slips his hands into the back pockets of Castiel’s jeans; casually groping his ass in the process. “You’re pretty hot when you’re in professional mode. Of course I’m going to be a little _naughty_ afterwards.”

This should have been expected. Dean always gets the most worked up when Castiel watches him closely while they’re having sex. He suspects that there’s a bit of an exhibitionist streak in him, perhaps. That would certainly explain why Dean can never keep his hands to himself whenever they go to the movie theater together.

“I won’t complain.” Castiel rolls his eyes but leans in to kiss him again. “But I _will_ request that you contain yourself until we get home.” It might be a bit of a tall order, given their plans to go out for dinner to celebrate a job well done.

Dean sighs dramatically, as though he were really put off by the request, but his grin just utterly ruins it. “It’ll be tough, but I’ll do it – on _one_ condition.”

“And what condition might that be?”

He leans in until his lips brush Castiel’s ear, and drops his voice into a husky whisper. “When we get home, I want you to take pictures just like we did here.”

Castiel has the sneaking suspicion that Dean means he wants to have _naked_ pictures taken. He’s proved correct when Dean laughs and kisses him again. “Just promise me that you won’t add _those_ pictures to your submission for the exhibition, okay?”

“I wouldn’t dream of it.” As if he would ever let anyone else see what Dean looks like in throes of passion. As far as Castiel is concerned, no one but him will ever get to see Dean like that again.

“What do you say we order in dinner tonight, hm?” Dean squeezes his ass again, his eyebrows twitching suggestively a few times.

Oh, so _that’s_ how tonight is going to be, is it? “I think that you need to get your hands out of my pockets before we don’t even make it to the car.” Castiel pushes him back before they end up desecrating the university’s photo studio.

“Is that a ‘no’?”

“Did I _say_ ‘no’?”

Dean stares him down for a few moments before stepping to the side and grabbing the suitcases handle. “You have _five minutes_ to get down to the car. Any longer than that, and I’m going to get started without you.”

If that happens, they won’t even make it out of the parking lot. Castiel rolls his eyes and makes a shooing gesture. “Yes, yes. Go and get the car started. I’ll be there shortly.”

Though he shouldn’t, he does rush a little with putting away the digital equipment. His course supervisor is going to be mad at him for not tying up the cables properly when he put them in the drawer under the laptop storage, but can he really be faulted when he has the promise of a naked and willing Dean under his hands in the very near future?

For their safety and the safety of the other drivers on the road, Castiel slaps Dean’s hand away every time he reaches over to put a hand on his thigh. Of course that only serves to rile Dean up all the more. By the time they pull into their parking spot in the garage, he’s all but growling. He’s on Castiel the moment they’re out of the car and he doesn’t let go all the way up to their apartment door; hands wandering and lips touching wherever he can reach. They kiss up against the door as they both fumble to find their keys and get it open.

To their surprise, it swings open on its own and they all but fall into the apartment. Sam stands there with one hand on the door handle and his coat in the other. He looks partially amused and partially annoyed. “I guess it’s a good thing that I’m heading over to Jess’s place right now.”

“See, Cas?” Dean grins at him as they shuffle around Sam. “This was meant to be.”

Castiel must be getting both their shares of embarrassment. He can feel his face heating up and he shoves Dean away so they can take their shoes off and hang up their coats. “I’m sorry for him, Sam. Please tell Jess that I said hello and that I have reserved tickets for the art show. They’ll be at the door for all of you under my name.”

“Awesome! Thanks, Cas.” Sam gives him a thumbs up before he turns on Dean. “Don’t you _dare_ scar the Guinea Pigs. Their little hearts couldn’t handle the horrors.”

Dean gasps and places a hand over his heart. “I would _never_ , Sammy! Those are our _kids_.”

There’s a brotherly bickering storm on the horizon and Castiel quickly escapes from it. He leaves the two of them at the door so he can check on the Guinea Pigs, because they _are_ his babies and he has come to love them quite dearly over the last few weeks. At the moment the two of them appear to be in the plastic igloo, but Zeppelin’s furry behind his hanging out of it. Einstein must be taking up all the space on the inside. If he could give them another igloo, he would, but there just isn’t enough space for it.

Their food bowl looks a little low and Castiel opens the door on the side of their cage so he can reach it. He tops it up with some more pellets and returns it with a handful of timothy hay. Later in the evening, when they’re starting to get more active, he’ll treat them to a couple of grapes. Will he also have to clean their cage today? Castiel checks the corners where they tend to go, but it looks relatively clean and a cursory sniff check doesn’t find there to be any unpleasant odours. They should be good for the rest of today and he’ll the cage first thing tomorrow morning before he goes to work.

Castiel is in the process of checking the water level in their bottle when Dean’s hands slide over his shoulders. “Ca-a-a-as.” He whines and drags his fingers through his hair. “Stop paying attention to the kids and pay attention to _me_.”

With a sigh that does nothing to hide his smile, Castiel stands up and turns in Dean’s arms. “We have little lives to take care of now. Sometimes you might have to come after them.”

His bottom lip sticks out in a tempting pout. It’s the kind of look that Castiel can’t resist kissing and he leans in to satisfy that urge. Of course it’s not just one kiss; it’s several and Dean uses them to lead him into the bedroom. Castiel’s camera bag is over his shoulder and he passes it off carefully, an excited gleam in his eyes.

This isn’t the first time a camera has been involved in their sex life, and it likely won’t be the last. In either case, Castiel looks forward to being able to add to his growing collection.

*

“Maman!” With an excited wave, Castiel breaks away from Gabriel to meet his mother as she walks out of the _Arrivals_ area of the airport. Any attempt he was going to make at trying to be calm and collected is completely forgotten in the face of having not seen her for over a year.

His mother is pulling a rolling carry-on bag behind her and Castiel reaches for it. At no point will she carry anything when she has her two strong sons to carry it for her. Instead of handing it over, Mother grabs his hand. She pulls him into a tight hug and it’s all he can do not to melt into the familiar embrace. It’s been _far_ too long since he last hugged her. When she releases him, it’s not for long as she immediately catches his face between her hands so she can press kisses to both cheeks. She’s speaking rapid French, going on and on about how much she missed him and how much she loves him.

Gabriel reminds them both that he’s also there with a loud laugh. “And _that_ is why I hung back, Cassie.”

“Oh, mon cher, you are no safer than he is.” Mother grins and grabs him too before he can step back out of her reach. She drags him into a hug and double kiss too, making sure to squish him. “You never _visit_ me anymore!”

He huffs and puts on airs as if he wasn’t happy with the attention, but his smile gives him away. “We were there for last Christmas.”

“But not the most recent one.”

She pouts and it is ten times more effective than any other pout Castiel has ever seen. It’s like a knife to his heart and he looks down at his feet, shuffling them guiltily. If it wasn’t for what happened with his father over the summer and his reaction to Castiel’s announcement about his relationship with Dean, he most likely would have gone home for Christmas. At the very least he would have gone back to spend a weekend with his mother. But he just doesn’t feel welcome in that home anymore and it would have spoiled his holiday even more to be around his father’s negativity.

On the bright side, at least his Mother understands that. Perhaps that’s the reason why she’s coming to visit. Aside from when he graduated high school, she’s never really stayed for an actually visit; and now she’s going to stay for a whole _month_. She’s rented a condo and a car and, according to her, she’ll be seeing herself around time. Knowing her, though, Castiel suspects that she’ll be spending most of her time with him or with Gabriel.

“Don’t worry, mon cher.” Mother exhibits her uncanny ability to know what he’s thinking as she kisses his forehead again. “Your father might be a bit of a – hm – un âne, but he means well.”

Castiel has to press his lips into a thin line so as not to laugh at his father being called a _donkey_ , but Gabriel isn’t as successful. He covers his snort of laughter with a cough. Regardless, he has trouble believing that his father actually means well. If he did, he wouldn’t have essentially thrown Gabriel out for wanting to be a baker, or done the same because Castiel wanted to be a photographer. A decent Father wouldn’t have planned out his children’s lives like he did and then throw a temper tantrum when they don’t want to follow it.

Mother pats him on the cheek before turning to start towards the luggage carousel. “He will come around one day. I promise that I will work on him.”

Gabriel gives him a look filled with nothing but doubt before they follow after her. Mother still has her carry-on in tow, but Castiel takes it from her the first chance he gets. They have to make an effort to grab her travel trunk from the carousel before she does, otherwise she would likely try and carry it herself. That’s one of the reasons that Castiel loves his mother so much. Even though she was raised in a home where there was always someone to do everything for her, she is still so very independent. She loves doing things for herself. Everything except cooking. She is utterly terrible at that and Castiel most definitely inherited her lack of talents in that regard.

As they make their way to Gabriel’s car, Mother chats happily about how her flight went and what shows she plans to see while she’s here. They don’t have much of anything planned for today. First they’re going to take her to her rented condo so she can unpack and get cleaned up from her travels. Afterwards they’re having dinner with Dean and Kali, since the both of them are working right now and weren’t able to take time off to be at the airport to greet him.

Tonight’s dinner is where Gabriel and Kali plan to break the news to Mother about how they want to open their own café together. It’s also where Dean will meet her for the first time and he’s still _very_ nervous about that, or so he was the last time Castiel checked. As far as he’s concerned, everything is going to go wonderfully. Castiel has full faith in Dean and his ability to charm his mother.

It won’t matter even if, by some fluke, he ends up being awkward and starts feeling like their first meeting isn’t going too well. Mother knows Dean from all the things that Castiel has told her. She knows that he’s important to him. And, most of all, she knows that her son wouldn’t fall for just anyone. Castiel has full faith in their first meeting going far better than it did when his Father met him. It is literally _impossible_ to do worse than that.

Hopefully.

*

Castiel sinks his teeth into the pillow to muffle his moan. His whole body is trembling with his orgasm, but he still reaches back to grab Dean’s hip. He’s still rocking in sharp, jerking thrusts; not quite ready to come yet either. Soon, though. Castiel flexes and bears down, trying to tighten up. It must work, because Dean groans loud against the back of his neck; his mouth wet and warm on his skin. He slides his arms under and around Castiel’s chest, hugging him tightly as his he stutters to a stop with their hips flush together.

They’re both wearing condoms tonight to minimize the cleaning afterwards. Castiel almost regrets it, but he really is just too tired to have to get up and change the sheets or take a shower. It’s been a long hard day for the both of them and, to be honest, Castiel was actually too tired for sex. He allowed it only because Dean was just so aroused when they got home. It’s hard to turn him down even when he’s not trying to be incredibly seductive. And he can be _very_ convincing when he wants to be.

Apparently he found Castiel to be very sexy while showing off his photographs. It likely didn’t hurt that he was the main focus of the majority of the pictures and, as it has been proven before, Dean finds it very arousing to be Castiel’s model. He won’t pretend that he understands what gets him aroused, but whatever the reason may be, Dean still refused to settle down and just go to bed. Eventually, Castiel really did just have to give in. It was that or be forced to listen to Dean masturbate rather loudly next to him while in bed. Of course he didn’t really complain when he was pinned down and thoroughly fucked until he was nothing more than a panting, trembling mess.

On the bright side, at least they had sex lying down. He might have cried if Dean tried to do it standing. His feet are absolutely aching after having spent the whole day on them while helping to set up the exhibition for the photography and art at the university. And after helping with the set up, he also had to stand with his pieces all evening and explain anything about them if he was asked. Of course the only people asking him questions were critics and his instructors, but it was still exhausting.

He doesn’t have the first clue how Dean could be so energetic when the ygot home. Not only did he work a full shift today, but he also went to the show for the _entire_ event. If he wasn’t standing with Castiel, then he was walking around to look at the pictures with Sam and Jess, or keeping Mother company until Gabriel and Kali arrived. He didn’t _have_ to stay for the whole exhibition, but he did. His excuse was that someone had to drive Castiel home afterwards, but it really was very sweet of him to stay and keep him company.

With a happy hum, Dean rolls to his side and nuzzles his nose against the back of Castiel’s neck. “Fuck. That was _awesome_.”

Castiel moans softly in agreement, his limbs too much like jelly to do much more. He doesn’t even have the energy to take the condom off or make himself more comfortable. Dean laughs and covers his shoulders with kisses, his hands gentle and careful as they remove and tie off the condom. The cool touch of the wet wipe is a surprise and Castiel doesn’t even know when or where he got that from. To be fair, though, he is starting to doze off.

“You’re amazing, Cas.” Dean presses a kiss to the space below his ear before he rolls away to take care of himself too.

“I didn’t do anything.” A yawn cracks his jaw and Castiel rolls over to watch him.

Dean shakes his head and tilts and amused smile in his direction. “You created awesome art out of me and our family. I –” He pauses to lean over and kiss him softly. “I dunno how to really say it.”

“Say what?” Castiel twists onto his side to face him.

With a shrug, Dean tosses the used wet wipes and condoms into the trash can. “Your landscapes and abstract pieces are nice, but the pictures you take of people are on a whole different level. Your mom was saying that you can really tell that you love the subjects of your pictures.”

Castiel sits up just enough to draw Dean into another kiss. “That’s because I _do_ love my models.” Considering that the only people he took pictures of are Dean, Jess, and Sam, he had figured that would be fairly obvious.

Since their confessions on New Years Eve, Castiel has tried not to be overly sappy when it comes to talking about their feelings. He knows, from experience, that things of that sort make Dean embarrassed though not quite _uncomfortable_. It’s just something he’s not used to. Part of Castiel wants to say it all the time to get him accustomed to it, but he doesn’t want to over state it until those three words start losing the importance that they have.

Today, however, he will make an exception. After almost two _official_ months of being in a relationship, Castiel _wants_ to say it. He wants to say it repeatedly, but he’ll settle for saying it just the once today. It’s more than satisfactory when Dean’s smile turns soft and he kisses him with gentle lips. He tries to keep up the kisses as he finishes with the brief clean up and drawing the blanket back up the bed from where they kicked it earlier. They only draw apart so Dean can turn the bedside light off.

As they get comfortable beneath the blanket, Dean turns on his side to face away from him. It’s a clear indicator that he wants to be the little spoon tonight and that is perfectly alright. Castiel enjoys being held just as much as he enjoys doing the holding. He snuggles up against Dean’s back, pulling him tight against his chest so he can press little kisses to the back of his neck and rub his nose into the short hair at the back of his head.

With a long, slow exhale, Dean relaxes back against him. He hums softly for a few moments before seeking out one of Castiel’s hands. He draws it to his lips to kiss his palm. “Love you, Cas.”

It’s a small, quiet whisper but Castiel hears it clear as a bell. He almost stops breathing, if only because he’s never actually _heard_ the words before. Dean got his meaning across on New Year’s Eve without actually saying them. Hearing them now makes his heart clench in an amazing kind of way. It leaves him light headed and very nearly deliriously happy.

Though he wants to shout his delight from the rooftops, he settles for squeezing Dean’s middle in a hug and kissing his shoulder. “Love you too.”

*

Castiel is elbow deep in dirty dishwater when he gets attacked from behind – or that’s what it _feels_ like. He very nearly goes face first into the water, only managing to stop himself by slapping a hand against the wall. The large baking dish in his other hand drops into the sink, splashing suds and greasy water everywhere. Most of it ends up on him; soaking through his apron right down to his pants. As if the dishes clunking around and the water splashing about wasn’t noisy enough, whoever attacked him is making an unholy screeching sound.

It takes far too long to realize that his attacker is his brother. Gabriel is squealing loudly and hugging him from behind while trying to jump up and down in place. Castiel has no idea what’s going on, but he really wishes that it would stop.

“What in the world is _wrong_ with you?” He shoves Gabriel’s arms away and turns around to give him a dark glare. His apron is sopping wet and dripping all over the floor now, which is a hazard and he’s going to have to get a mop to clean it up.

“Cassie!” Gabriel steps back but continues bouncing. He even adds clapping excitedly to his repertoire of crazy. “ _Cassie_!”

He rolls his eyes and grabs a dish towel to try and absorb most of the water from his apron before he removes it. “Yes, I know who I am. I’m asking; what are _you_ doing?”

Rather than answer, Gabriel grabs him by the arm and starts dragging him away. It’s a rather easy feat, considering that Castiel’s shoes are slip sliding on the soapy water. He skids away from the sinks until they’re dry enough for him to actually stumble after Gabriel all the way out of the kitchen and down a short hall into one of the two bathrooms that the café has to offer. Bother are gender neutral bathrooms, but one is wheelchair and family accessible. They end up in the much smaller one, which is more closet size than it is bathroom size.

Before Castiel can tear into him for being utterly insane in the workplace, Gabriel grabs him by his dripping rubber gloves. “Cassie, I just got off the phone with _dad_! He _called_ me!”

His insane excitement is now all the more confusing. What in the world could they have talked about that would have Gabriel _smiling_ like this. As far as he knows, neither one of them has had any contact with Father so far this year. At least not _willing_ contact. He doesn’t count when they hear Father in the background of any phone calls he has with Mother.

“What did he call about?” Castiel narrows his eyes, concerned that their Father might be trying to pull some kind of trick on Gabriel to bring him back under his wing. “Is Mother okay?”

They talk with her at least once a week now, since she all but demanded it as part of her goodbyes when she left a few months ago. It’s summer now and Castiel is working full time at the café right through until school starts again in the fall. He’ll be entering the third year of his Bachelor of Arts with a speciality in Photography. It was pure luck that the majority of his courses from his first year still counted towards it.

“No, no, no.” Gabriel shakes his head and grabs Castiel by the shoulders. “Mom’s fine. She’s _more_ than fine. Cassie, Mom _talked_ to Dad.” He takes a deep breath, though it does nothing to stop him from practically vibrating in place. “She talked to him about the _bakery_ – about _my_ café.” He starts shaking Castiel’s shoulders a little, keeping him from saying anything. “Mom talked to him about it and he called me because he _wanted to know more about it_.”

Well now Castiel can understand why he’s freaking out. The shaking, however, is a little annoying and he pulls Gabriel’s hands from his shoulders. “What did you tell him?”

“Everything.” He takes another shaky breath, but this time it seems to help with calming him down. “I told him everything about what Kali and I have been planning.” Gabriel’s expression falls into seriousness. “Cassie, he said he wants to _meet_ us to discuss _investing_.”

Now _that_ is such a surprised that Castiel has trouble actually believing it. Their father isn’t this nice. There must be something else going on. Is he trying to trick Gabriel in some way? Or is this really exactly as it sounds and he should be taking this at face value? It’s so _hard_ and all he can do is flounder to try and answer him.

Gabriel laughs and nods in understanding. “Yeah, you look about how I felt when we were talking. Mom was apparently _very_ insistent that the two of them front the rest of the money we need to rent a location, buy the necessary equipment, and supplies, and –” His laugh turns a little delirious and he starts flapping his hands a bit, his breathing becoming short and quick. “And – _and_ –”

“Stop it.” Castiel grabs his hands to hold them still.

“You can’t just tell someone to stop hyperventilating, Cassie.”

“If you were really hyperventilating, I would have gotten you a paper bag.” He rolls his eyes and backs Gabriel up the few feet to the toilet. The lid is down and it only takes a shove to make him sit down. “Have you told Kali about this yet?”

Slowly, he shakes his head and runs a hand through his hair. “I literally just got off the phone with him, Cassie. And, in case it’s gone over your head here, I’m kinda freaking out a little bit.”

“Why?” It sounds like good news, but only if Father isn’t trying to pull some kind of deceitful trick.

“Because this is starting to become _real_.” Gabriel covers his face with both hands and sags forward to rest his elbows on his knees. “I’m not sure I’m actually ready for this.”

Castiel can’t help but smile. It’s so rare to see Gabriel be actually nervous about something. He’s usually so confident with everything that he does. “It was real the moment Kali got you to start planning for it.”

Gabriel manages a shaky smile as he looks up again. “How much do you think Crowley is going to hate me if this whole thing goes through and I leave?”

“Oh, about as much as he’s going to hate you for taking me with you.” He shrugs and pats him on the shoulder. “But if he could get over losing Dean and all the business his face brought in, then he’ll get over losing your delicious tarts.”

After a short laugh, Gabriel stops sharply and stands up. “Wait, what was that bit about you?”

“I still have a few years left to my degree and you’re going to need someone to work the counter.” Castiel shrugs and crosses his arms. “I assumed that you would want someone with customer service experience who would also be fine with you perhaps not being able to pay me every pay period but trusts you to pay the backlog eventually.”

“No offense, Cassie, but you have the social skills of a dead fish. I’m not staffing you at the counter.” He shakes his head, but his grin says otherwise.

Now that is just plain untrue. Castiel has grown in leaps and bounds with his social understanding since he and Dean became friends. Working the counter at the café has also helped him exceptionally. “Look at my tip jar and tell me that again.”

Gabriel snorts loudly and he slings an arm around Castiel’s shoulders, dragging him down to his height. There’s those crucial four inches that makes all the difference. “We’ll talk about it when – and _if_ – things actually start happening, okay?”

“Well you had better hurry up.” He shoves his arm away and pulls the bathroom door open. It’s starting to feel a little claustrophobic with the two of them in here. “I won’t be able to work for you once I start my internship.”

“That’s _ages_ away.” Gabriel rolls his eyes but follows him out into the hall.

Ages away, and yet Castiel has the feeling that it’s going to be like not time at all will pass before then. He can only hope that he’ll still be as happy then as he is now.

*

Now that Dean has a static shift schedule at the garage, it’s very rare for Castiel to have to take the bus home. Today is one of the first days in _months_ that he’s had to do it. Dean had mentioned this morning upon dropping him off at the café that he had a meeting after his shift and that he would be going out for dinner afterwards with Bobby. Castiel was perhaps a little bit disappointed, but of course he couldn’t bring himself to actually say anything.

Things have been going so well for Dean at the garage. Over the course of the summer he’s been given more and more responsibilities. It’s November now and he’s been doing less and less actual work on cars. Half his days are now spent doing work in the office with Bobby. Thus far, he seems torn on whether or not he actually likes the change. Dean loves taking cars apart to diagnose their issues and then putting them back together. He’s never been a fan of pushing papers, but he _is_ enjoying the pay raise that came with taking on some of Bobby’s office work.

Since Dean is supposed to be in a meeting, Castiel is very surprised to find him sitting in the lobby of their apartment building. It’s small, but there is a little seating area with one couch and a chair next to the mailboxes. Generally, the only people who use it are the ones waiting for someone to come pick them up. Rarely is there someone waiting for someone else to arrive. Dean jumps up from the couch the moment Castiel walks through the door, not even giving him the time to find the mail key before he’s across the lobby and pulling him into a kiss.

“Hey, Cas.” Dean hums into the kiss, keeping it chaste but not exactly short. “How was your day?”

“It was fine.” Castiel tries not to smile because he is both surprised and a little annoyed that Dean apparently lied to him. But it is very hard not to melt into those sickenly sweet kisses.  “How come you’re home so early? You said you had a meeting.”

A sheepish grin fills Dean’s face and he runs a hand over the back of his neck. “Yeah, about that. I totally lied so I would have the time to come straight home and prepare.”

Castiel narrows his eyes. “Prepare for _what_?”

Dean shrugs and pulls out his set of keys. He fiddles with them until he finds the mail key, moving towards the mailboxes as he does so. “Oh, you know. _Stuff_. Hey, y’know, you never asked me how _my_ day has been.”

Suspicions abound and Castiel hardly feels like now is the time for pleasantries. Unfortunately, he knows what Dean is like. He’s up to something and he’s not going to reveal what that is until Castiel plays along. With a defeated sigh, he makes a sweeping motion with his hand. “Fine then. Hello, Dean. How was your day?”

“It was awesome, thanks for asking.” He flashes him a grin over his shoulder.

“That’s good.” Castiel crosses his arms and frowns at him. “Now, why are you –”

The question dies in his mouth as Dean pulls the eye-mask they use as a blindfold during sex out of their mailbox instead of any actual mail. His grin turns wolfish as he locks their mailbox and steps up in front of him. “I’m going to put this on you and you’re going to do _exactly_ as I say.” Dean’s voice drops into the lone, sultry tones he uses whenever he takes on the dominant role in the bedroom. “Understand, Cas?”

All he can manage is a slow nod. Anything else is well beyond him as his brain has come to a screeching halt. Why in the world would Dean have put the blindfold in the mailbox? How long has he been planning this and _why_? No, a better question is _what_ did he plan? Castiel is equal parts excited and terrified. His knowledge of Dean is useless here because it could be literally anything. It could be something sexy, or it could be something delightfully innocent. Whatever it is, the only way for Castiel to find out is to – again – play along. He allows Dean to put the mask on him and then turn him around by his shoulders to face the elevators.

“Alright, just go where I tell you to go.” Dean pats him on the shoulder but keeps his hold on them. “I promise that I’m not going to let you fall or bump into anything.”

“You’re lucky I trust you.” Castiel tries to sound like he’s annoyed, but his heart rate has sped up considerably and it’s evident in his voice.

Even though he does have full trust in Dean, he still can’t help holding his hands out in front of him as he carefully steps forward. There are two stairs between the lobby and where the elevator is and Dean guides him up them. Despite the use of his commanding tone and the blindfold, things are kept relatively innocent – until they’re alone in the elevator.

“Just so you know, I already cleaned and fed the piglets.” Dean murmurs in his ear before he presses a kiss to the side of his neck. “I even scrubbed their cage in the bathtub while they rolled around and had their exercise time.”

“Thank you, Dean. That’s very thoughtful of you.” In all the time that they’ve had the Guinea Pigs, Castiel has been the one to clean them nine out of ten times. Granted, he _was_ the one who adopted them and made the promises to take care of them. Not once has he ever _expected_ someone else clean or feed them. That’s why it’s always such a nice surprise when Dean or Sam does it.

While he might not know what exactly Dean has planned, Castiel does have a very good idea what this might be about. It’s tied to the reason why he was disappointed when he was told that Dean was going to go out with Bobby for dinner. Whatever it is that he has planned, a lot of work went into keeping it a surprise. As such, Castiel will forgive him for lying – especially if it was done for the reason he suspects.

Once they get into the apartment, Dean catches his hands and leads him inside. “You know what today is, right, Cas?”

He ponders it for a moment. “A Tuesday?”

“Cas.”

No, wait. Of course he knows the answer to this. “It’s the twenty-ninth of November?”

“ _Cas_.” Dean groans and punches him lightly in the arm. “Say it properly.”

His smile grows even wider and he wishes he could see how Dean is smiling too. “It’s the one year anniversary of our first official date.”

“ _Thank you_.”

Castiel’s laugh is cut off as Dean kisses him. The mask is still on and it comes as quite the surprise. He nearly swallows his tongue in surprise before it is suddenly _very_ engaged. It’s short, sweet, and makes him far too warm in his clothing. The fact that he’s wearing the blindfold really doesn’t help matters in the slightest.

“Sam did the right thing today and made himself scarce.” Dean hums into the kiss and slides his arms around Castiel’s waist. “So it’s just gonna be you and me for the rest of the day.”

“And I’m not allowed to see that he’s not here?” He taps at the blindfold, just in case Dean forgot that he’s still wearing it.

Dean chuckles low and deep. He hooks his fingers under the blindfold to pull it off. “Actually, that was just me being an asshole. We didn’t really need it.” He tosses it on the couch before leaning in to kiss Castiel once more. “Now go shower and get changed into the clothes that are on the bed.”

“You picked out an outfit for me?” Castiel raises and eyebrow, his curiosity climbing ever higher. Did he finally buy lingerie for him to try? Or perhaps it’s something a little more leathery? Dean has expressed interest in putting Castiel in all manner of clothing though they haven’t actually bought any yet.

“Whatever you’re imagining, stop it.” Dean gives him a shove towards the hallway and emphasizes it with a pat on the behind. “I got the clothes from our closet. Now go shower.

Castiel rolls his eyes, but does as he’s told. Normal clothing is significantly less excited, but no less intriguing. Since he’s curious about where the rest of the afternoon and evening will take them, he cleans up in the bathroom as quickly as he possibly can while still getting effectively clean. He didn’t expect much to change by the time he changes and comes out of the bedroom fully dressed. In all honesty, he had expected Dean to join him in the shower and is only slightly disappointed that he didn’t.

“Alright, I’m done.” He crosses his arms and looks down at Dean where he’s sitting on the couch. “Now what are we doing?”

There better not be any presents involved with tonight. They had agreed on no gifts because of how Christmas is only a month away. After they had discussed it, they both decided that they would rather save up to get something nice for each other then. Originally Castiel thought that Dean was going to be spending their anniversary with Bobby, but he expected that they would spend the rest of the evening together and marvel at how quickly a _year_ can go by.

When Dean stands up, Castiel very suddenly realizes that he _did_ move around while he was in the shower. There are things in Dean’s arms that he did not have before and they take his breath away. With obvious purpose, and without breaking eye contact, Dean slowly places the contents of his arms on the coffee table. First he lays out their coils of bondage rope. Next is the ball gag that they bought to celebrate their first Valentine’s Day together. Following that is their vibrator, and last but certainly not least, is Castiel’s collar.

His mouth goes dry and his throat clicks as he swallows. He can’t stop looking back and forth between the toys and the heat in Dean’s eyes. The eye mask is still in his hands, but rather than putting it down with the rest of the toys, he spins it around his finger. “Are you ready for the rest of the surprise?”

Castiel has no idea why he had to get dressed up if the whole point was that he was going to be stripped naked again in the end, but all he can do is nod. Whatever it is, he is _absolutely_ ready for the rest of his surprise. Except, again, nothing happens as expected.

Dean grins and points at the door. “Great. Now put on your shoes.”

“My shoes?” Any fantasies that had flickers to life at the array of toys on the table vanish in a poof of smoke. Castiel blinks a few times, trying to switch the gears in his brain. “We’re going out?”

“Yes, yes we are.” He laughs and ushers him towards the door. “I’m not going to say another word about anything until you put your shoes on.”

Today is apparently the day for all sorts of split feelings. Somehow Castiel is managing to be both frustrated and excited all at the same time. He tries not to rush as he puts his shoes back on, but he’s certainly quicker about it than he usually is. As soon as he’s done, Dean is behind him and sliding the blindfold back over his eyes.

“This again?”

“Yup.” There’s the sound of the door opening and the jingle of keys. Dean’s hands are on his shoulders again and Castiel knows for certain that he’s being led out into the hallway.

“Why are we leaving? I thought we were going to –?” Castiel gestures behind him and hopefully in the direction of the coffee table. “I hope Sam and Jess don’t decide to make a pitstop here. He’s going to be _very_ upset if he walks in and finds that on the coffee table.”

Dean snorts a laugh as he locks the door. “That stuffs for later. And don’t worry about Sam. I’m pretty sure I got it across to him that it was _very_ important that he not come anywhere near the apartment for the rest of today – and maybe part of the morning too. He made that gross face he makes, so I know he won’t come back until I tell him it’s safe.”

Castiel sighs and rolls his eyes behind the blindfold. “Oh, I see. So putting everything out like that was just you being a gigantic tease, was it?”

“Consider it upping the anticipation.” Dean drops an unexpected kiss to his lips before taking his hand. “Now just follow the sultry sound of my voice to the best anniversary you’ve ever hard.”

It’s absolutely _impossible_ to keep the smile off his face now, no matter how hard he might try. “Two things. One; this is the _only_ anniversary I’ve ever had. Two; you’re the worst, but I still love you.”

Laughter follows them down the hallway as Dean leads him to the elevator once again. This time they take it down to the garage. Castiel can tell not only by the number of dings in the elevator and the smell of gasoline once they exit the elevator. Their footsteps echo all the way to the Impala where Dean even helps him into his seat. It’s sweet, but unnecessary, especially given the fact that he has yet to be given an explanation of where they’re going or what they’re doing.

He waits until they’re what must be a few blocks from the apartment before he clears his throat. “Is it acceptable to ask now where it is that you’re kidnapping me to?”

“I dunno, man. Kidnappees don’t usually go with their kidnappers _that_ easily.”

Castiel sighs and tilts his head to shoot Dean an annoyed look, though it is dampened somewhat by the blindfold. “Answer the question.”

“Nah, don’t wanna.” Dean laughs and takes his hand to press a kiss to the back of it. “You can take that off when we get to where we’re going. I promise you’re going to like it.”

That’s a given. Over their year together, there have been very few things that Dean has done that Castiel hasn’t liked. The list of things Castiel has liked about this last year _far_ out stretches the meager few that he hasn’t. It’s such a small list that none even immediately jump to mind – oh wait. No, there’s one. His penchant for being incredibly anal about keeping the bedroom clean. If Castiel forgets to put _one sock_ in the laundry basket, he gets the dirtiest of stink-eyes and the loudest of long-suffering sighs as Dean picks it up for him – if he doesn’t stare him down until he does it himself.

Considering how most relationship stories on his forums seem to go, Castiel feels like they’re doing very well. Especially if being too neat is one of his few complaints about his boyfriend. And _that_ is a title that he will never get tired of using. In fact, Crowley placed a ban on anyone in the café using the b-word and Gabriel decided to extend it to his apartment.

By the time they reach their destination, Castiel has absolutely no idea where they are. It was a far longer ride than he expected it to be. Any time he reached for the blindfold, Dean slapped his hands away. Needless to say, Castiel is a little bit irritated – more so than he wanted to be for their first anniversary together.

“If this is a gift, then I’m going to be mad.” He grumbles as Dean helps him out of the car. We said _no gifts_ and I didn’t get you anything.”

“Your ass is all the gift I want tonight.” Dean laughs and pats him on the ass again.

He blindly slaps at Dean’s hands until he grabs his wrists. Dean moves them to his side and doesn’t let go until it’s obvious that Castiel isn’t going to move them again. Thankfully, doing that means that the blindfold can come off. Dean pulls it off with a flourish, leaving Castiel to squint and blink at the sudden sunlight that briefly blinds him. It takes him a few moments too long to realize where they are.

As soon as the location clicks in his memory, he reaches over to shove Dean’s shoulder. “You blindfolded me just to surprise me with a recreation of our first date!”

The pride is practically rolling of Dean in waves. “Got it in one, sunshine.” He grins as wide as he possibly can and grabs Castiel’s hand as he starts dragging him towards the diner of where they had their first official date. “And we’re going to go to a movie afterwards too.”

“We didn’t go to a movie on our first date.” Castiel allows himself to be led in and towards their table where they ate a year ago today. “That was when we went to that other diner while Sam was out of town.” And that wasn’t technically a date.

“I’m combining them because this is the day we decided to go out, but that was probably our first date.” Dean shrugs and slides into the booth; pulling him down next to him. “And since we didn’t celebrate that, we’re goin to celebrate it today with dinner, a movie, and then a walk on the beach.”

Castiel shakes his head and flashes him a coy, if not slightly teasing, smile. “Are you going to keep your hands to yourself so we can actually _watch_ the movie?”

“I make no promises.” He laughs and puts his arm around Castiel’s shoulders. “But I might be able to hold back knowing what’s going to happen when we get home.”

While that is a very good point, Castiel can’t help but laugh at it. His low chuckle sets Dean off and they’re both still laughing when the waitress approaches their table to get their drink orders. Sadly, she isn’t the same waitress that they had from last year. It would have been nice to recreate their first date down to the last detail like that. Either way, this is still very nice. Castiel is _very_ happy that Dean planned it all for them. It really is such a nice surprise.

A _year_. It really has been a whole year since they started dating. Castiel can’t believe that it’s been that long. Well, honestly, he’s not actually surprised that they made it a year. The only thing that he marvels at is that their sex life hasn’t waned any. Most of the people in the forums that he frequests have said that the sex can get boring, or that it is only hot and heavy in the beginning before it slows down a lot. He has yet to see that happen, though.

When it comes to their sex life, nothing has changed since before their relationship. They usually do a little bit of _something_ a few times a week at the least. It’s more than what his libido craves, but Castiel can’t ever say ‘ _no_ ’ to Dean and he always enjoys himself. Honestly, though, he’s just happy that their relationship is still going strong with little to no hiccups.

Castiel isn’t one to be superstitious, but he still lightly knocks on the wood frame of their booth bench. He doesn’t say it out loud, but he sincerely hopes that they’ll be here another year from now celebrating their second anniversary – and then the third – and the fourth – and every year afterwards.

*

Sometimes their relationship goes so well that Castiel is worried that it might be going _too_ well, especially considering the emotional hurdles they went through. Of course things haven’t gone completely smooth in the year and a half that they’ve been in a relationship, though any actual _fights_ have been minimal. Really, it’s more disagreements than arguments. Generally they usually end up bickering about how good some shows or movies are better than others.

In all honesty, Castiel prefers a good book over staring at a screen. He puts up with all the TV watching because Dean likes it. The biggest argument about that was when Castiel actually _said_ that he puts up with it, to which Dean wasn’t very pleased. As he made it very clear, he doesn’t just want Castiel to tolerate it, but rather he wants him to actually _enjoy_ them. To some extent, he _does_ like the shows, but it’s more that he enjoys spending the time with Dean.

Castiel really didn’t see the problem with it, but if it upsets Dean then he’ll make the effort for him. The same as Dean made the effort to read more. Now they spend an equal amount of time reading on the couch together as they do watching TV. All they needed was a little communication and everything turned out just fine. But that’s only one situation out of a handful of others.

Sadly, no amount of communication can ever sort out the arguments they sometimes have regarding the chores or splitting the bills. Or how Castiel sometimes gets slightly annoyed that Dean is a natural flirt. Or how Dean sometimes gets upset that Castiel ever go out with him and his friends. He knows that a bar or club is really not Castiel’s scene, but he does wish that he would go with him every now and then. Thankfully, those are things that usually get resolved within the day. It might require making some sacrifices, like actually sucking it up and going to the bar once in a while, but they make it work. They apologize and move on with their lives.

Little things like that don’t really matter in the end, because they still love each other. They’re both very happy in their relationship and things are going swimmingly. In fact, things are going better than the relationship forums Castiel frequents led him to believe they would. He hasn’t been reading those very often anymore. It was more in the beginning when he wanted to make sure that he wasn’t being a bad boyfriend. This is his first relationship and Castiel wanted to familiarize himself with what makes a healthy relationship and what doesn’t.

Considering the length of their relationship, he would like to think that they’re doing pretty well. Usually. Except for today. Today is not going nearly as well as usual. _Today_ he and Dean are sitting on opposite sides of the couch. They both have their arms crossed and they are both unhappy with each other. Castiel has no idea what it is that’s bothering Dean, but his attitude is what’s bothering _him_.

It all started yesterday; a very big day for Gabriel and Kali. They officially signed the papers to purchase a small location for their bakery, using their own savings and a considerable investment from their partners. Castiel is proud that his parents stepped up to help and he’s proud that Gabriel isn’t taking their money as a gift. With the papers signed, now they can move forward on their dream. There’s still a long road ahead of them with getting the location renovated, signage made, eventually hiring and training staff, so on and so forth, but they’re on their way and it’s very exciting.

In fact, it is all the more exciting because Gabriel also made an officially request that Castiel work the customer service counter where he’ll be selling bread, desserts, and direct customers who want to place orders to Kali. That’s a long way off, but Castiel is actually looking forward to it, even if they might not be able to pay him right away. It all depends on how well business actually goes. He doesn’t mind, though. It should be fun to work for Gabriel and Kali. They’ll probably be less annoying than Crowley.

The only downside to working for them would be that Castiel will have to cut down on his hours at the café. It might be somewhat difficult considering that he still has classes for another year or so and he needs that job to pay for what his scholarship doesn’t. What he makes at the café covers that along with his share of the bills around the apartment. As such, Castiel has mostly managed to live here without having to touch his the savings that he had stocked up before he moved in with the Winchesters.

Unfortunately, Dean is not seeing any of this as a good thing. The moment Castiel told him the news, he _insisted_ that he not cut back any of his café hours for unpaid work at Gabriel’s bakery. He made sure to particularly stress not touching his savings for anything, as if he didn’t already know that Castiel is extremely frugal with just about everything to do with his budget. In any case, Dean refused to accept any explanations or details or _anything_ and his general tone about this whole thing has caused one of their very few actual _fights_.

For one; he refuses to explain why he’s so adamant that Castiel not touch even a penny from his savings account. It’s his money, so why should Dean care what he does with it? Besides, Castiel has _two_ savings account. One has an almost embarrassingly large amount of money in it from before his father cut him off, and the other is from when he got a job. The second account is what he uses for school, bills, and supporting Zeppelin and Einstein. It might be going slowly, but the second account actually _grows_ little by little every month.

It’s weird that their current argument is about Dean getting upset about the state of someone else’s savings. Yes, Castiel might have to dip into his savings while he’s working more for Gabriel than he is for Crowley, but that’s not going to be forever. And Kali did promise that they were going to pay him the moment they have the money to do it – either while he’s there or after they have their feet under them and are able to actually hire other staff.

Whatever the case may be, it doesn’t matter in the long run. Castiel only has a little over a year of school left and his fees for that are minimal at best. Anyways, he’s going to have to cut back on his hours at the café no matter what. The second semester of his final year is going to be devoted to internships and there’s the chance that he might be unlucky enough to land an unpaid one.

And yet, no matter how much Castiel insists that things are okay, Dean is adamant that he’s not. He’s being very stubborn about this and refuses to actually _explain_ anything. What’s the idiom? Like a broken record? Yes. That’s Dean right now regarding Castiel’s savings and it is _extremely_ irritating. So much so that they might have raised their voices at each other. They didn’t stop until Sam went to take shelter in his bedroom and ever since then they’ve been sitting in angry silence.

The tension has gone on long enough and Castiel takes a deep breath. He’s ready to be the bigger person here. “Can we discuss this like rational adults now?” But only slightly bigger.

“I _was_ being rational.” Dean huffs and refuses to even look at him.”

Castiel groans and rubs a hand over his face. “You know what I mean, Dean. Let’s just start this argument over in the form of a conversation. Why don’t you start by explaining why you’re so concerned about _my_ savings?”

“Because savings are _important_ , Cas.”

His tone is a mix of condescending and irritated and it makes Castiel want to smother him with the nearest pillow. “Yes, I’m aware, and that would be why I saved so much of the excessively large monthly allowance my parents used to give me. But it’s not going to hurt if I have to dip into it for – _at most_ – half a year.”

Dean makes a frustrated noise and a vague gesture, but he offers nothing further. Castiel sighs loudly, pouring every ounce of his annoyance into it. “Why is what happens to _my_ savings so important to _you_? Shouldn’t you be more concerned about your own savings?”

“Because we’ve been going out for like a year and a half now, Cas.” He states it so matter of factly, as if that would be enough to explain away his stubbornness.

“Yes, I’m aware.” And it has been a very enjoyable time. “I’m also aware that some couples might merge their finances after an extended period of time together. But, to my knowledge, we are not one of those kinds of couples.” Not _yet_ , at least.

If possible, Dean’s frown creases even deeper. “I _know_ we’re not one of those couples.”

“Then is this your way of asking me to merge finances with you?” If that’s a step that Dean is willing to take, then Castiel would happily discuss that with him. Frankly, he’s not sure if he’s ready for that kind of step, but they could look into creating a new joint account where they start putting money in for if they need to make any joint purchases.

“No. _No_.” Dean shakes his head and slumps down in his seat. “That’s a level of relationship I don’t think I’m ready for.”

That’s just about the only thing he’s said today that Castiel not only understands, but he agrees with it. But, since they’re on that topic, he might as well get some of his curiosities about it out of the way. “And when do you think you would be ready for that?”

From his point of view, sharing a bank account is a big commitment. It requires a lot of trust between two people. While he does have that trust in Dean, joining their finances is almost as big a step as marriage. And _that_ is a level of commitment he knows would likely scare Dean for a while still yet. That’s actually a topic Castiel is going wait on for another year, maybe. If marriage talk comes up before then, he’ll happily have that conversation then and only then.

Dean sighs and he finally uncrosses his arms, even if it’s only to rub at the back of his neck. “I don’t know, Cas. Just – just not yet, okay?”

“Okay.” Castiel shrugs, because that’s an acceptable answer. It doesn’t give him what he wants, though. “Now do you care to explain why it apparently matters to you what I do with my own savings?”

“It just does.”

Because that should apparently explain everything. “I thought we were supposed to _communicate_. The fact that you aren’t explaining things is seriously hindering that.”

Dean turns a glare on him, but it is ultimately ineffective. Castiel stares him down with nothing more than a raised eyebrow. Unfortunately, nothing seems to be forthcoming. It is exceedingly frustrating. Eventually he has no other choice than to give up on waiting. If he doesn’t keep pressing Dean, then they’ll just sit here in silence until they both go to bed angry with each other.

“Are you as concerned about your own savings as you apparently are with mine?”

“Of course!” He huffs, actually having the gall to sound insulted. “Savings are important for emergencies and other shit.”

Castiel rolls his eyes and sighs. “I _have_ savings for emergencies, and I am very comfortable in my financial situation.”

“You won’t be if you end up making a big purchase.” Dean waves his hand in another vague kind of gesture. “What if we have to move and the rent goes up? What if your scholarship runs out? What if –”

“Those are the exact reasons why I have my savings to fall back on. If you want me to tell you about my contingency plans for any of those scenarios, I can.” He mimics Dean’s hand flap, though it’s more dismissive than anything else. “Either way, I have no plans on making any _big purchases_. But please do explain what you mean by that. What kind of big purchase might I be making?”

Dean shrugs and he looks away, refusing to meet Castiel’s eyes. “The kind that would be difficult to make if you end up cutting back on your hours.”

“It’s not like I’m going to be dropping to part time forever.” He sighs and crosses his arms. “I’ll only be doing it until _my brother_ can afford to hire me properly or hire someone to take my place. In the interim, I’ll be working part time for free until they can pay me just to help them get their feet under them in a business sense.” Castiel shrugs as he twists to put a leg under him. “And I’ll be starting my internship in my second semester next year, so I’ll have to cut my hours at the café regardless.”

Of course that won’t be much of a problem if he lucks out in getting a paid internship. If it’s unpaid, then at least he’ll be getting the experience in the field that the needs. Financially, it’ll be a bit of a problem, but Castiel is confident that he’ll find a paid one. Besides, he would rather be working for Gabriel by that point instead of Crowley because he would be far more understanding regarding the hours.

Apparently none of that matters to Dean, though. He’s still as stubborn as he was when the argument first started. “Cas, you just need your savings, okay?”

“We’ve gone over this, Dean. I am _aware_ that I need my savings.” He sighs again, almost ready to give up on this entirely. “What you continue to gloss over is _why_ you are so obsessed with _my_ savings.”

“Because you’re going to need them!”

Castiel continues to stare him down, but Dean is still unable to look him in the eye. “There’s something you’re not telling me. I’d like _all_ the information, Dean, and I don’t understand why you’re not just telling me. Why do you need all the secrecy?”

Dean makes a frustrated sound in the back of his throat and he sags forward, elbows on his knees and his face in his hands. Castiel waits for an answer; and he waits; and he waits. Yet again there is nothing but silence meeting his questions and it is utterly annoying. The main problem with the silence is that it leaves Castiel too much time to jump to conclusions of his own. Some of them are fine, but others are not nearly as nice.

He curls his hands into fists on his knees. If Dean is going to leave him to his own conclusions, then he might as well start with the worst one. “Is this your way of telling me that you want to break up and I need to move out?”

The look of horror on Dean’s face as his head pops up is all the answer he needs. Castiel breathes a soft sigh of relief as Dean grabs his hands and squeezes them. “Jesus fucking Christ, Cas, _no_ that’s not – that’s the exact _opposite_ of –” A blush fills his face and he cuts himself off, ducking his head again.

At least one of his worries has been settled and Castiel scoots closer, pulling one of his hands free to gently touch Dean on the shoulder. “Won’t you tell me, please?”

Dean groans softly and he takes his hands back to fidget. He eventually sighs and chances a quick glance up at him. “Because _we_ are going to need them.”

He had hoped that getting an answer would have made him _less_ confused. “I thought you weren’t ready for the kind of commitment that comes with sharing bank accounts.”

“I’m _not_.” He shrugs and runs a hand through his hair. “But in another year or so, when you graduate and you’ve got yourself a proper photographer job, then I – maybe I might be?” His voice gets more and more quiet until he ends on what is essentially a whimper.

An idea is starting to form and Castiel _really_ hopes that it’s what Dean actually means. He closes the distance between them so he can put an arm around his shoulders; drawing him closer. “And what would _we_ need _our_ savings for?”

“I dunno.” Dean shrugs and leans into Castiel’s side; resting his head on his shoulder. He’s clearly embarrassed, if the colour of his cheeks is anything to go by.

“You do know, otherwise you wouldn’t be making such a fuss about _our_ future.” And he wouldn’t be going about things in what is likely the most infuriating way possible. Of course Dean never does anything easily, even after a year and a half together.

After a few moments, Dean grumbles under his breath. “It’s dumb.”

Castiel presses a kiss into his hair. “You know I would never think that about you or any of your ideas.” Even the ones that really are dumb; though those are few and far between.

Dean shakes his head and huffs a quiet laugh. “It’s dumb that I’m thinking so far ahead and you’re not.”

“Oh, so you think _I’m_ the dumb one, then?”

He means it purely in jest, but Dean still sits up sharply with an unhappy frown creasing his forehead. “I didn’t say that! I just –” He pauses and glances down at his hands again. “Do you think about stuff like that too, or is it just me?”

“Do I think about our future?” Castiel hums as he leans into Dean’s side. “Of course I do. But I would go insane if I thought about it all the time, so I’ve adopted the mindset that I will deal with things as they come and move at _your_ pace.”

“We’ve always moved at my pace.” A part starts tugging at Dean’s bottom lip.

“Really?” He laughs and shakes his head. “I never noticed.” The sarcasm in his voice is so heavy that Dean actually elbows him in the side for it. Castiel laughs and grabs his hands.”If I tell you what I think about when it comes to our future, I feel like you might smother me with a pillow because it is _exceedingly_ sappy and I know how much you hate that.” He brings Dean’s hands to his lips to kiss his knuckles. “But I _can_ tell you that it makes me very happy to know that _you_ are planning for a shared future as far ahead as when I graduate.”

Another dark blush rises, spreading into Dean’s ears and down the back of his neck. He squeezes Castiel’s hands and stares at them for what feels like an eternity before he clears his throat. “A – You’re going to need your savings for a down payment.”

Oh dear Lord, he was _right_. Castiel’s heart starts beating a staccato rhythm against his ribs as he tries his best to keep his voice steady. “I’m sorry?”

Dean takes a deep breath and he glances up at him again. “I – uh – I started pinching pennies a few months ago so I can throw every spare dollar into a special savings account for a – a _down payment_ in a few years. Like – like getting a condo or – or a _house_ with a yard and a garage and –s”

And this is absolutely the best news that Castiel has received in recent time. He cuts Dean off with a kiss, if only for a lack of a better way to show just how happy he is. It feels like he’s going to explode as he peppers Dean’s face and lips with kisses; dropping them wherever he can touch because how can he not? Dean is thinking so far ahead with their relationship that he’s already started saving up for them to buy a _house_ together.

Castiel sits back with a bright smile, leaving Dean flustered and blinking. He laughs and catches Dean’s face between his hands. “I understand now.”

If this had been explained an hour ago, they could have avoided a lot of hurt feelings and general grumpiness. But now everything is crystal clear. Dean makes decent money at the garage, but even if he saved every spare dollar for the next year, he wouldn’t have enough for a down payment on a decent home on his own. It’s a different matter if they were to pool their savings. With Castiel’s considerable savings, they would be able to afford a nice little house in a nice neighbourhood. It would absolutely be the best thing ever and Castiel can hardly wait until he graduates now.

A smile starts to spread as Dean ducks his head and Castiel can’t resist leaning in to kiss him again. “I promise that I will do my best not to touch my savings so we can get a house together after I graduate.”

Dean sags against him with a sigh, but after a moment his smile falters. “But you’re still going to go work for your brother, aren’t you?”

“Yes, but I am confident that everything will be fine even with working only part time.” He shrugs and puts his arm around Dean’s shoulders again. “I’ll hardly scrape the surface of my savings and I’ll put back anything I take out as soon as I can.”

Though he looks doubtful, Dean eventually fixes him with a wide-eyed almost pleadingly look. “I guess I’m not going to be able to talk you out of this, huh?” He doesn’t wait for an answer before sighing loudly. “Oh well. At least you know what I’m hoping for now, so that’s – that’s a good start.”

It’s a start that could have happened an hour ago if Dean had just said what he was feeling, but that’s a conversation for a little later. Right now, all Castiel wants to do is kiss his boyfriend and imagine what kind of home they could end up buying for themselves in just a few years. There are so many options and he’s just so happy to know that Dean wants a future with him.

*

This is the day that felt like it would never happen. Castiel will finally be able to relax starting tomorrow. He won’t have to obsessively study anymore, and he won’t have to balance work and school. Today is his convocation and he is officially graduated after four long years. His diploma feels so light but so heavy in his hands with all that it means. It’s wonderful to have it and Castiel can’t wait to put it in a frame and hang it up in the apartment.

Graduating is such a heady feeling that he doesn’t even mind waiting through the rest of the graduates. There are quite a few people who are getting their Bachelor of Arts degree, but that’s covering all the focuses and not just photography like him. The only reason he’s really sitting through all this is because Jess is also graduating with her fine arts degree. She’s still considering whether or not she wants to do any postgraduate studies, such as getting her teaching certification. At the moment, though, she’s in no rush. She already has a good job that will be letting her go to full time now that she’s graduated.

Castiel is so very proud of her and he can’t wait to see her cross the stage. It’s been several alphabetical letters since Collins, so she should be up soon. Unfortunately, Sam won’t be graduating with them today. His graduation won’t be until next year, though he’ll have all his credits by the end of the first semester of the next school year. Not to mention that he’s going to apply for law school for a postgraduate degree. Sam has been been spacing his classes out between his two part time jobs as well as the occasional basketball. Castiel had almost forgotten that he played the game considering how little he talks about it. He’s explained it away about how the attention from it makes him nervous and he doesn’t actually _play_ very often, though he has practice at least once a week.

Both Dean and Sam are in the gallery right now, watching with Castiel’s family. It’s not just Gabriel and Kali there for him, but his mother and father as well. He was a little surprised to learn that his father had come out to see him graduate, but thus far they haven’t actually said anything to each other. In fact, Gabriel even told him that Father said he was only in town to see how his investment in the bakery is going and it’s just pure coincidence that Castiel is graduating at the same time.

Whatever. He can make all the excuses he wants. In the end, he’s still here and it’s likely all because of Mother’s influence. Castiel doesn’t really care. He’s just happy that those who really matter to him are here today. They’re not just here for him either, they’re all here for Jess too. Her family is of course sitting with Dean and Sam too. Castiel doesn’t know them quite that well, but his family has also been invited to the graduation celebration that Jess’s family is holding at their home and he’s looking forward to seeing what that will be like. He didn’t get to go to the last graduation party that her parents held for her and Sam when they finished high school.

The only person Castiel cheers for before it’s Jess’s turn is Balthazar. They never really hung out together outside of school aside from when they studied together, but they became good class buddies over the years. When it’s Jess’s turn, however, Castiel actually gets to his feet to cheer and clap for her. She’s one of his best friends and he would be up on that stage hugging her if he was allowed to. Unfortunately, the only ones allowed on the stage at the same time as the graduate is the head of the university and the photographer taking the picture of her degree being handed over. It’s eerily familiar to when they graduated high school.

That said, Castiel is _very_ surprised when someone else walks out from behind the curtains while Jess is in the midst of getting her picture taken. There is no name announced, and the lack of robe or cap makes this all the more eerie. Only a select few number of people in the audience recognize that it’s Sam crossing the stage to come up behind Jess. She hasn’t even noticed him as the photographer seems to be acting like there’s something wrong with his camera and the head of the university won’t let her walk away just yet.

Castiel audibly gasps and covers his mouth in surprise when Sam drops to one knee behind Jess. There’s a loud singular _WHOOP_ from the families, and it’s obviously Dean. Jess must have heard it because she glances toward the seating area. Maybe Sam clears his throat and no one can hear it, or maybe she catches him from the corner of her eye, but Jess checks over her shoulder. Castiel is caught between smiling so hard his cheeks hurt and muffling a sniffle as she turns around sharply.

Jess stares at Sam for a heartbeat before she reaches forward to shove him in the shoulder. He sways backwards as she covers her face with her degree. She’s laughing and smiling, but Castiel is in the first row and he can see the tears already streaking down her cheeks. They’re obviously happy tears and it’s so hard to hold back some of his own. When Jess lowers her degree to look over it, she finds Sam holding a ring box open to her.

Of course there’s no hesitation. She nods vigorously before Sam even gets to ask the question. He still says something, but no one can hear it over the thunderous cheering from everyone present. Jess pulls Sam to his feet and they rest their foreheads together as he puts the ring on her finger. Castiel is going to have to thank the photographer for taking pictures of the whole thing, and especially as the two of them embrace in what might be an overly passionate kiss.

The head of the university ushers them off the stage after the cheers have died down on the kissing stopped. Castiel knows exactly what room they’re going to be in now and there is no earthly way he could wait until after the rest of the graduates go up before he’ll be allowed to speak to his two best friends – who are now _engaged_. He’s far too excited to wait and decrom can be damned. With a hunched back and quick feet, Castiel quickly makes his way to the nearest end of the aisle.

Jess spots him within moments of walking into the waiting room. She throws herself on him before he’s even actually found them himself, nearly knocking him off his feet as she hugs him. “Cas! Did _you_ know he was planning this?”

“I didn’t have a clue!” And that’s the truth. Castiel isn’t sure if he would have wanted the burden of knowing that secret in the first place. He’s very good at keeping secrets, but the urge to tell her would have been overwhelming.

Castiel wraps his arms around Jess’s waist and lifts her off her feet with a hug. “Congratulations to you both!” He gives Sam the exact same hug. “I’m so happy for you.”

A blush spreads bright through Sam’s cheeks as he ducks his head. “Thanks, Cas.” He puts an arm around Jess’s shoulder and draws her close. “I’ve been planning this for months. I had to get approval from the university for it and everything.”

“Does Dean know about it?”

“Are you kidding me? If I _hadn’t_ told him, he would’ve killed me.” Sam laughs and even Jess and Castiel chuckle. They all know exactly what Dean would have been like if he hadn’t been included. “Besides, who do you think helped me pick out the ring?”

To add to his point, Jess holds out her hand to show off the ring. It’s a simple band with a single colourful gemstone that Castiel thinks might be an opal. Jess never would have settled for anything as simple as a diamond and it suits her perfectly. “It’s beautiful.”

“Isn’t it?” She smiles at her ring as she leans into Sam’s side. “He did a good job.”

“Thanks.” He snorts and kisses the top of her head. “Now I don’t know about the two of you, but I’m not too wildabout going back in there.”

Jess nods in agreement and puts an arm around his waist. “You and me both, babe. What about you, Cas? Think we should text our families and tell them to meet us outside instead?”

“You could not _pay_ me enough to stay in this robe any longer.” Castiel shrugs out of his graduation robe and tosses it over the nearest chair. He paid for the cap and he’ll take that with him. “And I’m sure our families would love to leave too.”

As they leave the room, all three of them pull out their phones to text their respective families. It proves to be entirely unnecessary when they find everyone already waiting for them in the lobby of the hall. Castiel is perfectly happy to let Dean hug Jess and Sam first, particularly in the case that everyone has been waiting for this a happy engagement and that trumps something as common as a graduation. It’s extra okay because Castiel gets pulled into the hug too.

The moment the hug stops, Dean slips an arm around Castiel’s waist and drags him back a few steps to allow Jess’s family to swarm around the happy couple. “Do you want me to apologize for keeping a secret from you or are we cool?”

“This was an acceptable secret to keep from me.” Castiel leans into his side, his smile too big to ever be beaten. “It’s a much better secret than something like _honey, I’m sorry but I’m cheating on you_.”

Dean chuckles in his ear as he presses a kiss to the side of his head. “Never.”

“Mhmm.” Castiel rolls his eyes, ending it with a pointed glance. “I should remind you that I’m not afraid to use my _black belt_ if you ever step out of line, Winchester.”

“Don’t make promises you can’t keep, Collins.” He throws his head back with a laugh before leaning in to kiss Castiel on the cheek. Of course it doesn’t stop at just that and they share a quick kiss together.

There’s a quiet scoffing noise behind them and it’s quickly followed by a hushed hiss from what sounds like Gabriel, and a volley of angry sounding French which would be from his mother. Castiel knows exactly what is being said, and he’s proud of his mother for standing up for them. His father still doesn’t accept the homosexual relationship thing, but both Castiel and Dean have long stopped caring about what _he_ thinks.

Today is the one day where Father could say whatever he wants and it would roll off him like water off a duck’s back. Castiel just graduated from university with his future laid out nicely in front of him and he is far too happy for his friends to let anything affect him today. He feels likes he’s going to explode and it’s hard just standing here watching them right now. If he could, he’d be right in there hugging them both as tightly as he possibly can.

“Hey, boys!” Jess waves them over, smiling brighter than Castiel feels. “Are you ready to go? We’re going to go with you two and meet up with everyone else at my parents’ place.”

“You’re lucky we’ve got the room.” Dean gives them the thumbs up before turning to Castiel. “You gonna break the news to Gabe and Kali that they’ve gotta go with your parents? He slipped me a note during the ceremony begging to save them, but I gotta put my blood first.”

Castiel rolls his eyes. “I’m sure they’ll tough it out in the luxury town car that Father ordered.” He steps back and makes a quick shooing motion. “I’ll tell them and meet you at the car.”

Gabriel takes the news with a grain of salt before they all go their own way. He already has the address of where to go and Castiel trusts the three of them to make sure that Father doesn’t have the town car go elsewhere. In all honesty, they could have gone in Gabriel and Kali’s car, but apparently Father whined so much that they let him have the town car just to shut him up. Once upon a time even that wouldn’t have worked, but Mother has really put her foot down over the last few years and hasn’t let him get away with much of anything anymore.

In truth, Father _has_ mellowed a bit over the years. Castiel is almost positive that he’s still extremely disappointed in him for striking out on his own, but if he could get over Gabriel doing it then he can get over this too. It’s just going to take some time, much like it did before. In any case, he is fine with his father being disappointed in him. Castiel certainly disappointed in how he acts more like a bank than he does like a father.

Luckily, even having a rough relationship with his father has long stopped being something that could bring him down. Castiel’s life is going _fantastically_ and there is absolutely nothing to complain about. His relationship with Dean has, arguably, only gotten _better_ as time passed. Even his relationships with his friends are closer and better than ever. Castiel truly views Sam and Jess as family now. They’re just his much his siblings as Gabriel is. And on top of his home life being amazing, his professional life is going so smoothly. Everything is lining up just right for him and he hasn’t felt bad for himself in ages.

“Hey – uh – I got something to tell you guys.” Sam clears his throat from the backseat to get their attention. “I guess now is as good a time as any.”

“For what?” Castiel turns in his seat to look back at him while Dean focuses on driving.

Sam gives a hopeless shrug as he and Jess share a quick look. A smile tilts across his lips that expands into a full grown grin as he meets Castiel’s eyes. “I’m – uh – I’m moving out.”

With that kind of announcement, Castiel half expects Dean to slam on the brakes or swerve slightly. The Winchester brothers are as close as close can be and he always thought Dean would have trouble letting Sam go when he decided it was time to move out on his own. Nothing of the sort happens now.

Instead, all Dean does is give a thumbs up over his shoulder. “About damn time. I thought you two would never move in together.”

This can’t be right. Did Castiel somehow slip into an alternate reality? How is _he_ more surprised about this than _Dean_? It’s leaving him at a bit of a loss. “When are you planning on moving?”

Jess grabs Sam’s arm excitedly and gives it a shake. “We’re going to look for a place over the summer! I’m hoping for a little one bedroom apartment or a studio suite. Doesn’t that sound nice?”

Sam nods a long, his smile brightening all the more. “Yeah, it sounds awesome. We really don’t need that much space while I’m still going to law school. But it would be great to kinda get something between my jobs, the uni, and Jess’s job.” He shrugs as he pats Jess on the hand. “We’re still commuting by bus or bike, and our budget might be a little tight, but we should be able to pull it off.”

“You know I’m still going to help with your school bills, Sammy.” Dean flashes a smile over his shoulder as he shoulder checks to change lanes. “Besides, you’re going to be a big hot shot lawyer in a few years. Then you guys can move into a big fancy house and have a million kids.”

“A million _dogs_.” Jess corrects him with a laugh.

Dean snorts and shakes his head. “Yeah, yeah, whatever. Just don’t let Sammy leave his shit laying around. He’ll make your new place a pigsty if you don’t stay on him.”

While Sam groans, Jess just laughs again as she elbows him in the side. “Oh trust me, I _know_. I’ll keep an eye on him.” Her laughter drops off when she looks to Castiel. “You okay? You don’t seem too excited about all this.”

Is it because he wasn’t laughing? That’s probably why. Castiel had expected Dean to be the one most upset that Sam was going to move out. He didn’t think _he_ would be the one feeling so sad about it. “I _am_ happy for you.” Castiel ducks his head, a little ashamed of himself. “It will just take me a little while to accept that Sam won’t always be in the other room anymore.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Dean puts a hand on his knee and squeezes it. “Just think of all the fun things we could do with his room when he’s gone!”

Sam sits forward sharply and grabs Castiel by the shoulder. “You gotta promise me you won’t make it into a kinky sex dungeon type thing, okay?” He shakes his shoulder slightly. “ _Promise me_.”

“We make no promises, Sammy.” Dean shakes his head and throws him a teasing grin.

Castiel rolls his eyes and reaches back to pat Sam’s hand. “Don’t worry. I promise.”

“You’re such a spoilsport.” Though he’s laughing, Dean still manages to stick his tongue out at him.

“We don’t have the money to spend on outfitting a sex dungeon.” Something about his matter of fact tone is apparently hilarious because everyone starts laughing. Castiel shakes his head and crosses his arm, sliding down in his seat just a little. “There’s plenty else we could do with Sam’s room and _sex dungeon_ should not have been your first thought.”

Dean snorts loudly and gives his knee a squeeze again. “Actually, it _wasn’t_. That was completely a joke, and you know it.” He flashes Castiel a bright smile. “First off, we’re going to move the desk out of our bedroom and replace it with a dresser. It gives us more space for out clothes so we can stop doubling up on hangers like we’re already doing. Then we get another desk so we both have one in Sam’s room so you can do whatever and I don’t have to play video games on the bed again.”

Jess claps her hands and reaches over to slap Castiel’s shoulder excitedly. “And then you can bring over the last of your boxes from your brother’s place too! Or what about converting it into a dark room so you can develop film!”

“Bringing over the boxes would be nice, but I don’t use film that often.” Oh, this is dangerous. Castiel is already starting to envision what they could do with the space and Sam isn’t going to be moving out for another few months at the least.

“Can we not talk like I’m not still living at home, please?” Sam groans and leans against Jess’s side.

This time, when everyone laughs, Castiel joins in. Their conversations that carry them the rest of the way to Jess’s house keeps them in laughter. Jess’s extended family who couldn’t go to the convocation were already at the house to get the BBQ started. With so many new people to meet, Castiel is a little bit out of his element. Mingling isn’t exactly something he’s any better at then he was – well, _ever_ – but Dean always takes the lead and Castiel is more than happy to just follow along with him.

It’s so much easier when the food is actually available. Food gives Castiel an excuse to sit at a table set up in the corner of the backyard and eat a delicious burger in peace without having to try and make small talk with people outside his own family. They’re easy to talk to because he knows them, but even more of Jess’s family has arrived since news of her engagement got out.

Though he might not enjoy talking to strangers, Castiel is certainly enjoying both his food and watching how uncomfortable his father looks while being forced to mingle with those he likely considers to be _lower class_. If he thought that of Dean for having a perfectly normal job at as a mechanic, then he definitely thinks it of most everyone here. But Mother has a firm lock on his arm and she’s refusing to let him walk away.

To be fair, despite looking incredibly uncomfortable, Father is _actually_ being _civil_. Mother most likely had a hand in that. She really has stopped letting him act like a stereotypical cartoon rich person, or so Dean has taken to calling him. It’s one of the few things Castiel will let him call his father. They might not be on the best of terms, but that’s still his father and he’s not going to call him terrible names and he’s certainly not going to let anyone else call him terrible names too.

Father would look less snooty if he had a plate with a hotdog on it, but he’s been snubbing the food and that’s really a shame. The only burger he’s had better than this are the ones that Dean makes. Those are absolutely the best, though Castiel might be biased since they are dating, after all. But these are good and they’re good at keeping him from having to socialize. He did that already and he’s earned the right to sit and watch others having to socialize.

Granted, there’s only so much of that you can do. Eventually, Castiel’s mind does start to wander. In this case, it wanders in the direction of what life at home will be like without Sam being there anymore. If he does end up moving out over the summer, that still leaves half a year left on their lease. It was renewed just a few months ago, but it’s possible that they won’t be renewing it next year. Now that Castiel has graduated, Dean is _very_ gung-ho about getting a house.

Perhaps they’re going to start looking now that Sam has officially said that he’s going to move out. Who knows how long it’s going to take them to find one that they like. It might be best for them to start sooner than later. Castiel would prefer a smooth transition from one home to the other, especially this will be the first time he’s leaving a lease for something he _bought_. Would it be easier to get keys to a new place before their lease ends or the other way around? He’ll have to ask Dean.

Either way, whatever they end up buying, Castiel just hopes that it will be closer to both their jobs. Now that he’s graduated and Sam won’t be living with them, they don’t really have any reason to live near the university anymore. The studio is further from Bobby’s garage than it was from Crowley’s café or from Gabriel’s bakery, so something in the middle would be nice.

Castiel officially resigned from the café the second month after Gabriel’s bakery was opened. In a week he’s going to be starting full time at the photography studio where he had his internship. He’s been part-timing there since the internship ended while still working at the bakery – and getting paid for _both_ , which was a really nice surprise. Things have really taken off for Gabriel and they’ve actually been able to hire more staff. They now have extra help in the kitchen and Castiel has had to train _two_ people to replace him once he starts full time at the studio.

His internship was a low paying position, but he was there more for the experience than he was for pay. It really was a stroke of luck that he even got a paid one in the first place. Unpaid internships aren’t common, but he knows one too many of his classmates who ended up only being able to find an unpaid one. Luckily, his studio offered him a part time position after his internship ended with a contract promise to hire him full time with a hefty pay raise once he’s graduated. Apparently he impressed them, and he’s very proud of that fact.

Dean still expects him to be whisked off across the seas for fantastical photo shoots in the Serengeti one day, though he knows that won’t happen. Much as Castiel once told him, the studio he’s with now mostly handles corporate and family portrait kind of events with the odd wedding here or there. He’s kept fairly busy when he’s at the studio. If he’s not taking pictures, then he’s retouching and editing the photos to fix colour or lighting issues that weren’t apparent during the photoshoot.

Castiel _loves_ taking a camera and making _art_ with it. He’s long grown past any issues he had with photographing people who aren’t Dean. Of course he’ll always be Castiel’s favourite subject, but he has to put the same passion he has with taking pictures of Dean into taking portraits of strangers. It’s hard to believe that he used to dislike taking pictures of people as a whole. He only ever used to do abstract or landscape type pictures, but now he only does those in his spare time as a personal hobby.

In truth, Castiel is actually compiling a collection of his photos. His hoard consists of landscapes, abstract, and portraits. He’s been taking the time to go on walks with Dean in the evening to take more pictures of just about anything that catches his attention. There’s a art gallery not far from his studio that hosts work from local artists to sell and Castiel wants to put his name out there as a professional photographer – not just at his studio, but elsewhere too.

The submission to the gallery is a long way off, but everyone he’s told about it has been encouraging him to do it. His family and friends are all very proud of him, and Castiel couldn’t be happier for the support that he’s built up around himself. Even Mother has taken some of his prints home with her over the last few years. Despite Father’s protests, she’s been visiting every few months and Castiel appreciates the effort she’s been making to be more of a part of their lives. Having Father at odds with both sons has really opened her eyes to the disfunction in their family.

Castiel watches his parents move around the party as Mother all but drags Father towards the food station on the patio. He’s so focused on them that he only notices Dean’s arrival when he drops heavily into a chair next to him with a plate in hand. Their elbows bump as he puts the plate on the table. It’s loaded down with both a hotdog _and_ a hamburger, and every salad that was available on the food table. Most of those hardly qualify as a _salad_ in Castiel’s opinion, but to each their own.

They eat together in silence, watching as Jess shows off her ring and introduces Sam to the few members of her extended family who haven’t met him yet. The two of them both look so incredibly _happy_ that it makes Castiel’s heart ache. He’s just so happy for the both of them, but he might also be a little bit jealous. While they have discussed purchasing a property together, he and Dean haven’t had a _marriage_ talk just yet.

He’s honestly not sure when they will get to that conversation. Gay marriage is legal now, but there’s still a little bid of worry stirring in the back of Castiel’s head. Buying a property isn’t permanent. It can always be sold. There’s something _more_ to getting married. It’s more a commitment than buying a home and he worries that Dean might never be prepared for that. They’ve come a long way together, but there’s still that little voice that he can’t shake.

Would it be weird of him to ask about it now? It really does seem like the best time considering the situation, and it would put to rest a lot of unanswered question. At the least he would learn whether or not it’s something Dean is willing to talk about – either now or in the future.

Castiel clears his throat and nudges Dean with his shoulder. Once he has his attention, he uses the remains of his burger to gesture at Sam and Jess. “Would you ever want to…?”

Slowly, Dean puts his burger down. He looks at him, but Castiel plays it cool by keeping his eyes on the crowd. The last thing he wants Dean to know is that his heart is in his throat and he can’t even eat the last bite of his burger for fear that it won’t go down. He still makes an effort to eat though, taking his time with chewing. With a quiet sigh, Dean reaches over and pulls one of his hands free from the burger. Though he squeezes it, he doesn’t say a word.

There are very few things that Castiel dislikes about himself. The fact that he _still_ worries about Dean’s ability to commit to him is just about the only one he really truly _hates_. After being together this long and after all their talk about getting a house together, there should be nothing to question. Besides, Dean is the one who first thought about buying a home with him. There’s so much evidence to prove Castiel’s worries to be unfounded and he still can’t shake them.

For instance, Dean was the one who put a sheet of paper up on the back of their bedroom door. Every month, he writes down the total of their down payment and savings. It has been climbing steadily every month, and whenever Dean writes in the new amount he just _beams_ at Castiel. He’s clearly very invested in their relationship and that should be enough. It should be enough, and in a sense it is, but he wants more. Castiel needs to hear Dean affirm that he wants to be with him for the rest of his life.

And the fact that Dean _isn’t saying anything_ isn’t helping. Castiel can’t wait anymore and he looks over. There’s a very slim chance that Dean isn’t saying anything because he’s still eating. One glance proves him wrong. Instead, Dean is watching him with warm eyes and a soft smile.

He leans in for a gentle kiss before squeezing Castiel’s hand again. “Why don’t we save that kind of talk for _after_ we buy a house, okay?”

That’s not quite the answer he was waiting for and Castiel pushes his bottom lip out in a pout. Dean laughs and brings his hand to his lips; very purposefully pressing a kiss to his ring finger. “We’ll see where we’re at after moving. Being home owners and actually have to shop for furniture and décor might make or break us. If you don’t hate me after me wanting to tear half the house down and rebuilt it with my own hands, then we can talk about whether or not you’ll still want to marry me.”

Castiel sighs as he leans into Dean’s shoulder. “But I already want to marry you.”

They’ve only officially been going out for a few years, but it already feels like forever. He might still be young, and he knows that not many people don’t believe that someone’s first relationship will last, but how many of those first relationships start like theirs did? Nothing about their relationship has been conventional and Castiel is more than happy with that. They’re defying the odds and he wants to keep it that way.

Dean blushes and he ducks his head. They’re still holding hands, but he still tries to act like he’s engrossed in his food. It’s a little difficult to work the fork with his non-dominant hand. Castiel reaches over to take both his hands in his, forcing him to turn all the way towards him again.

“I’m not saying that we should get married _now_. I’m not even saying _next year_.” He squeezes Dean’s hands, tilting his head to catch his eye. “I just you to know that it’s something I’m thinking about – specifically with you.”

After a few moments of agonizing silence, Dean nods. He looks up Castiel with a shy smile, his ears flushing an even darker red. “Yeah. Me – uh – me too.”

Now that is some _excellent_ news. Castiel’s cheeks almost hurt with how hard he smiles. He leans in until their foreheads are resting together. “Some day?”

“Mhmm.” Heat is actually radiating off Dean’s face, but he’s smiling too. “Some day.” He tilts his chin up for a soft kiss.

Castiel can live with some day. In all honesty, he doesn’t need marriage or even a house of their own to be happy with Dean. They could get themselves a studio apartment, or a one bedroom, or they could live out of the Impala for the rest of their lives. Wherever they are or whatever they’re doing, Castiel doesn’t care as long as he gets to do it all with Dean. He already has everything he ever wanted and he couldn’t ask for more.

His life has changed drastically since Dean came into it and Castiel has never been more thankful for something as simple as forgetting a book.

THE END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I honestly did not realize how long the Patience series has been going. I'm so thankful for those of you that have stuck with this story and me for so long! You have no idea how much I appreciate you and your support ♥ I might not answer every comment, but I most certainly read them. I love each and every one of you. Thank you so much and keep on being awesome. ♥


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